A civil servant is sent to dismantle a research unit at an eccentric lord's mansion. He meets the lord's daughters, who make him feel at home, causing him to reevaluate his plans.
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00:00I love you.
00:30I can't give you anything but love, baby
00:45I'm not the only thing, I'm plenty of, baby
00:51You're blind, you're scheming blind
00:55You're sure to find happiness
01:00Come back, yes, all those things, love, baby
01:05Gee, I'd love to see you, let it say
01:09I know, Jasper is a boy
01:12Oh, there you are, Jasper, you all right, darling?
01:18Oh, yes, yes, I'm all right, thanks, perfectly all right
01:20Just a bit tired, that's all, in fact, I think I may go home in a moment
01:25I did rather promise, Mother, I'd tie up the branches of the nectarine tree against the garden wall before it got dark
01:29Jasper, Jasper, Jasper, it's a boy
01:39In the course of that restless night, I made a decision which was really quite melodramatic, coming from me
01:45I've, um, I've decided to resign, Mother
01:49Oh, Jasper
01:52I'm going to live in Paris
01:55Oh, Jasper
01:57But your job's so safe
02:00It's almost impossible to be sacked from the civil service
02:03Is that all I'm seeking out of life, Mother? Safety?
02:07Am I that boring?
02:09I want to live
02:10That's all very well, dear
02:12We all want to live, but what will you live on?
02:15I'll paint
02:16Oh, Jasper
02:18Look, what is all this, oh, Jasper, Mother? I fear I have a genuine talent
02:22Sorry
02:22I may not be a genius, but my efforts are consistently superior to those of the other exhibitors of the Whitehall Arts Club
02:27Oh, Jasper
02:29Excuse me, madam
02:39Would you care to take this seat?
02:41Thanks, have a say
02:42Did you say something? And did you say there was another seat?
02:48Uh, no, ma'am
02:48But I think this young lady's about to offer you hers
02:52Aren't you?
02:55Don't mind?
02:57Thank you
02:58Suddenly I realised that a new chapter in my life was about to open
03:05My umbrella would have to go
03:10Let this be the first gesture of revente
03:13A bas le parapluie
03:16A bore, indeed
03:22That was not how Mark Fairweather would view me when I handed in my resignation
03:27What's that in your buttonhole?
03:33Delphinium
03:34I've never saw that in a man's buttonhole before
03:37The flowers that bloom in the spring, trala
03:39How would you like a complete change of routine?
03:44A break from all this?
03:45Out with the in-tray, out with the out-tray
03:47Well, as a matter of fact, Mark, I would like a break
03:51And I was intending to tell you today
03:53I want to resign
03:55Oh, no, can't have that
03:57We have a job that's a little out of the ordinary
04:01It requires tact and discretion
04:04So I'm asking you to tackle it, Jasper
04:07Oh
04:08There's an outlying division of the ministry
04:11It's very small
04:12Which seems to have become rather isolated from headquarters
04:15It has a staff of only three
04:17An obscure university don called Pollux
04:20A statistician called Quirk
04:22And a, uh, female person
04:26It's called Output Statistics
04:28Its purpose was to collect and analyse the output of foreign publications
04:31But frankly, it was set up rather hurriedly during the Battle of Britain
04:35And has never been screened for redundancy
04:37What, since 1940?
04:39You mean, the ministry has forgotten it for 17 years?
04:43Not forgotten, Jasper
04:44Overlooked
04:45It's quite different
04:46They're in a big house on the border of Norfolk and Suffolk
04:50It belongs to a, um, backwoodsman pier
04:54The Earl of Flamborough
04:55Here's their output for the past three months
04:58Good Lord
05:00Now, I don't want to put words into your mouth
05:05You have a completely free hand, of course
05:06But
05:06It would do your career no harm at all
05:10If you were to find
05:11That its work
05:12During and immediately after the war
05:14Was of immense value
05:15But its usefulness is now over
05:18And it should be wound up instantly
05:20Oh, no
05:23I, I don't think this is my cup of tea, Mark
05:26You'll go tomorrow
05:27Take your painting kit
05:28The place is called Arkady Hall
05:30Good luck, Jasper
05:31It was, after all, a good umbrella
05:43And it might rain
05:44Even in Arkady
05:46There's an unchanging look about this part of the world, isn't there?
06:07Oh, I do hope so
06:09I can't bear to read about estates being broken up
06:12And all those lovely old houses going to rack and ruin
06:15Or being given over to government departments or lunatic asylums
06:19Yes, I'm going to one that's been partly taken over by a government unit
06:23Arkady Hall
06:24Flamborough's place
06:27What are you going there for?
06:30Tact and discretion
06:31Oh, just for social reasons
06:33And to do some painting
06:35Do you know Arkady Hall, then?
06:39Well, I met Lord Flamborough quite often when I was a girl
06:44And then after the war
06:45I mean the First World War, of course
06:48Parson's daughters couldn't quite compete
06:51Then he married a really lovely person
06:55Lady Flamborough
06:56Mabel
06:57He's odd, of course
07:00Even odder since his accident
07:02Oh, dear
07:03What accident?
07:05During the general strike
07:07He volunteered to drive an engine
07:09He'd always been mad about trains
07:11He was at Norwich or somewhere
07:13Getting up steam or whatever it is one does
07:16When some of the railway men who were on strike
07:19Molested him
07:20He was polishing the brass on the nameplate, I believe
07:24When they got into the cab and let the brake off
07:27The train started to move
07:29And as Bertie, Lord Flamborough
07:33Tried to clamber onto the footplate
07:35He fell under the wheels
07:38Run over by his own engine
07:40Had to have both legs amputated
07:43How awful
07:44Oh, I'm sure you won't find him at all morbid
07:49Besides, he has three beautiful daughters
07:52And I'm sure you'll enjoy their company
07:54Oh, no
07:55No, I've discovered I haven't got what it takes
07:57With girls
07:58Besides, I won't have time with my
08:01Painting
08:03I'm staying at Flagsfield with my old nanny
08:07I may well pop over and have a look at some of your work
08:10Well, almost finished
08:13May I see it?
08:15By all means
08:16Though I'm afraid it may seem rather dull and old-fashioned to a young artist
08:20Oh, okay
08:21Excuse me
08:43The last train to Arkady hasn't gone yet, has it?
08:45Yes, sir
08:46It went four years ago
08:48I had booked in at the Verley Arms
09:03Named after the family which had occupied Arkady Hall for 400 years
09:07Not even Paris could have competed with my first poignant sight of the hall in the moonlight
09:19But he was the last entry,boy and she died
09:20But I wasn't asisting at all
09:21What's what happened?
09:22I was like, what happened?
09:24Yeah
09:24Yeah
09:46How are you?
09:46I set off eagerly the next morning.
09:50I had telephoned the professor and pretended I was just making a casual visit.
09:57Would my powers of diplomacy be up to the task ahead?
10:11In the face of such majestic beauty, I felt it unbefitting to enter through the main gates.
10:16I found a more modest and altogether more suitable entrance.
10:25It is.
10:26It is.
10:57Are you the member of the ministry?
11:07I'm up here.
11:09They told me you were coming.
11:10Wait a minute and I'll come down.
11:19They're not what I expected.
11:21What did you expect?
11:23Grey striped trousers, an umbrella and a bowler hat.
11:26And probably Pansnay.
11:27I'm sorry to have to disappoint you.
11:29Crikey, I'm not disappointed.
11:31Apart from the umbrella, you look quite dashing.
11:33You'll do excellently.
11:35We're distinctly short of able-bodied men in these parts.
11:39Come on.
11:39What's your name?
11:50Jasper, Jasper Pine.
11:52And yours?
11:53Belinda.
11:54Ah, you must be one of Lord Flamborough's daughters.
11:56Yes.
11:57The wicked one.
11:58Are you married?
11:59No, no.
12:00Girlfriend?
12:01Not now.
12:02All clear, then.
12:03Wizzo.
12:03I ought to try and find Professor Pollich, really.
12:08No good-looking friend now.
12:09He's gone to Flaksgate to arrange about the marquee for the fate.
12:13Won't be back till this afternoon.
12:15You'd only find Quirky who bore you with the latest batting averages.
12:19You'd better come and see Daddy.
12:20He's always glad of company.
12:21What a labour it must be, keeping all these hedges trimmed.
12:27We leave all that sort of thing to the prof.
12:29Though Mummy's used to the flowers.
12:30She's a mad keen gardener.
12:31Oh, I'm rather fun with gardening myself.
12:33Then you'll make a hit with Mummy.
12:34I can see you settling down here for quite a while.
12:37You can't go before Monday, anyway.
12:38The fate's on Monday.
12:39What fate is this?
12:40We hold it every August bank holiday.
12:42It's an aid of fallen women.
12:43I beg your pardon?
12:45The Fund for Fallen Women.
12:47Girlies like me, but who haven't been so careful.
12:49Well, I don't suppose I'll be able to stay that long.
12:53And anyway, it doesn't sound quite my line.
12:55Not interested in fallen women, then?
12:57Not as a social problem, I must admit.
13:00Not in the mass, you mean?
13:02No, not in the mass.
13:03But individually, perhaps?
13:06Yes, perhaps.
13:08Individually.
13:09Thanks be for small mercies, anyway.
13:12Oh, no, I don't mean I have no feeling for them.
13:13It just isn't a problem I've come up against.
13:15You will.
13:17Ow!
13:18I'm so sorry.
13:20No harm done.
13:23That's a lot better.
13:26I think you've got more feeling for fallen women
13:28than you think you have.
13:34I thought we were supposed to be going towards the hall.
13:36Oh, Daddy doesn't live in the hall any longer.
13:38He's down at the station across the park.
13:40Oh.
13:43Belinda?
13:43Belinda?
13:43Will you stop spooning for a moment and help me with the bridge?
13:49Coming, Mummy.
13:49Why your father chooses to exile, I suppose, to the far side of the park, I cannot imagine.
14:01You should get a girlfriend to look after him and save my poor feet.
14:04Oh, my Mummy, it keeps you fit.
14:07And Jasper will carry your plants.
14:09Oh, of course.
14:10Oh, how'd you do?
14:11Thank you so much.
14:12Now, Linda, dear, you have to interrupt your studies and go up to the hall.
14:16Well, Quirky wants someone to help him sort out all the bunting.
14:19But I was taking Jasper to see Daddy.
14:21Well, Jasper can come with me.
14:23Who is Jasper, by the way?
14:25He's the man from the Ministry.
14:27I didn't know we were expecting one.
14:29Still, you'll lunch with us, of course.
14:31Thank you very much, Lady Fembro.
14:32Now, run along, Linda.
14:33Make sure Quirky gets out the flags of all nations as well as the bunting.
14:37See you later.
14:44I didn't realise you were one of the Professor's people.
14:46I thought you were just one of Linda's suitors.
14:48I really must apologise, Lady Fembro.
14:50Oh, no, that's quite all right.
14:51There's always plenty of lunch.
14:53Bert eats enough for three.
14:55Do him good to go without his third helpings.
15:00Come and see my Asperdistras.
15:02It's too cold for them in East Anglia,
15:04but I've managed to grow some in the shelter of the chapel ruins.
15:07They're flourishing like stinkhorns.
15:09Look, they're flowering.
15:11Amusing, aren't they?
15:12What a romantic sight this is.
15:14Slugs.
15:14I beg your pardon?
15:15All done by slugs.
15:17They fertilise the blossoms.
15:19How long has this been in ruins?
15:21Oh, as long as anyone can remember.
15:23They used to hold village weddings here when Bertie was a boy.
15:27Quite irregular, of course,
15:28but the village people still have an idea
15:30that if a child is fathered on one of the girls here,
15:33it ranks as being born in wedlock,
15:35whether the parents are married or not.
15:37What a convenient legend.
15:38Rather a prickly place for a tryst, but it certainly suits the Asperdistras.
15:44Yes, they look like native wildflowers,
15:46but I suppose they really come from Kashmir or Tibet.
15:48Well, I get them from Thompson and Morgan, a shilling a plant.
15:51These are all Asperdistra illatior.
15:55That's Varigata, and we call that the Milky Way.
16:02This is Varigata exotica.
16:04Oh, and this is Asperdistra lurida,
16:07which, as you can see, is lancelot.
16:10Yes, um, what are these here?
16:13Oh, those are Primulas.
16:15Primula ob conica.
16:17That's Matilda, and this is Asperdistra typica,
16:21which is elliptical to lancelot.
16:23Wake up, Tilly, nearly time for lunch.
16:26My youngest, Matilda, funny girl,
16:29spends all her time reading old-fashioned thrillers
16:31and waiting to be seduced by a sinister monk.
16:35She'll grow out of it.
16:36Bertie, I've got a man from the ministry to lunch.
17:01This is Jasper.
17:03I don't know his other name.
17:06Can you dance to the Charleston?
17:09Well, give him a stiff drink.
17:11He's carried my plants across the park.
17:13Oh, damn decent of you.
17:15What will you have?
17:18Would you like to try one of my Manhattans?
17:20Or my special dark lady?
17:22Or, uh, Angel's Tears?
17:26Oh, uh, well, I'll have whatever you're having me, please, sir.
17:29Oh, I think it should be a dark lady today.
17:34Sit down, dear boy.
17:36Thank you, sir.
17:39I take you have a private coach on the line, sir?
17:41I own it.
17:43Oh, you own the coach?
17:45I own the railway.
17:46I bought the branch line, station and all, when they closed it.
17:50Railway people made me a present of the locomotive,
17:53and a fellow called Jones found the coaches in a siding at Palmer's Green.
17:59He's always got an eye for a bargain.
18:02The railway people said I could have them for song.
18:05If I could get them here.
18:09Now, see how you like this.
18:16Thank you, sir.
18:20Yes, is one of the ingredients, um, du bonnet?
18:24Uh, no, beetroot.
18:25It's cheaper.
18:27Hmm.
18:28Uh, delicious.
18:29Hmm.
18:31Ah, when on earth did you get the coaches down here?
18:33Ha, ha, blackmail.
18:35Well, your footplate men were threatening to come out on strike.
18:41Jones told the local branch of the union
18:43that he'd arranged for me to appear on television,
18:46waggle me stumps,
18:48and tell them how it was a railwayman's fault
18:50I lost my legs in 1926.
18:52Ha, ha, ha.
18:53I wouldn't have done it, of course.
18:55But they, they couldn't risk it.
18:57I ran the coaches down here while the strike was on.
18:59There was a lot of confusion on the railways at the time.
19:02Cleaned the coaches and oiled the engine
19:04before they went and elected me
19:06vice president of the Flaxfield branch of the union.
19:11Luncheon is ready.
19:15Oh, yeah, give me a push.
19:16There's a good fellow.
19:20Ah, thank you, uh, over there, old chap.
19:22Yes, thank you very much.
19:24Ah, yeah.
19:26Always did enjoy eating on the train.
19:29Ah, meals weren't always what they might have been.
19:32But now I have the best of both worlds.
19:35Home cooking and a change of scene.
19:39Oh, is Chloe in the cab?
19:41Yes, dear.
19:42Hmm.
19:43Our eldest daughter shouldn't boast, I suppose.
19:46But she's a damn good engine driver.
19:50One-seventeen.
19:52One-seventeen.
19:53Hmm.
19:53Yes.
19:55Care to flag her out?
20:03Oh, oh!
20:07Oh, thank you.
20:09Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
20:39119, precisely.
20:43Will you have soup?
20:46It's Maligatoni.
20:54Don't slop it, Tilly.
20:59When you've done that, Tilly, go into the saloon
21:01and put Bug House Blues on the phonograph.
21:04Ah, what have we here?
21:14Very nice.
21:22We had a splendid four-course lunch, all served by Matilda,
21:25while the train made the journey to Flaxfield and back.
21:35Lady Belinda seems to suggest that you lift on the train.
21:39Of course. Front coach is a sleeper.
21:41Very comfortable, it is, too.
21:46This is where you get off, young man. Arkady Holt.
21:492.26, one minute late.
21:52Not Chloe's fault. I told you we didn't want the claret tickled up.
21:56Well, hurry up, young man, or we'll be really late back at the terminus.
22:02That won't do.
22:04Hello.
22:05I'm Quirk.
22:06I'm the Archivist of the Department of Output Statistics.
22:07Hello, I'm Jasper Pye.
22:21The Professor sent me along to welcome you.
22:25I'm the Archivist of the Department of Output Statistics.
22:28Hello, I'm Jasper Pye.
22:30The Professor sent me along to welcome you.
22:32We heard on the grapevine you'd probably arrive on the Flamborough Flyer.
22:37Hope you're none the worse for the experience.
22:40I've had an excellent lunch.
22:42They usually rope me in as firemen.
22:44I, er, I gather you're on a tour of inspection.
22:48Oh, hardly that, no. I've just come to discuss the work with Professor Pollux.
22:52And with you, of course.
22:55I must say, it's all very well kept up, even the moat.
22:58All the Professor's doing.
23:00Really?
23:01I wouldn't have thought he had much time with the statistical work.
23:04Well, he doesn't neglect his work.
23:05You'll find everything ship-shape.
23:07The Professor's a great stickler for order and method.
23:10Oh, no, no, I didn't. I wasn't, um...
23:12I... I wasn't, er...
23:15I haven't come to...
23:17Ah!
23:25Welcome to Arcaday, Mr. Pye.
23:30How do you do, Professor?
23:32I, er...
23:33I hope I haven't arrived at an inconvenient time.
23:35In Arcaday, Mr. Pye, we are fortunate in having more time at our disposal
23:40than you restless people in London.
23:43Our place of business was erected some 470 years ago.
23:47More than a hundred years before the fragment that remains of your palace in Whitehall.
23:53With so much time behind us, we should be churnish if we didn't spare a wee bit for so rare a pleasure as a visit from the Ministry.
24:00Well, er...
24:04Good.
24:06A clerk will show you to your room later.
24:09You will move out of the very arms, won't you?
24:12Now we know that you're here.
24:14Before that, I'll show you the office.
24:17I can see you're impressed by our workroom, and rightly so.
24:31This is Miss Mounsey, our department secretary.
24:34How do you do?
24:35How do you do?
24:37What a magnificent room.
24:39How do you manage to get any work done?
24:41Oh, it's most convenient.
24:44The mouse...
24:45I'm sorry to say that Miss Mounsey here is known as the mouse.
24:49I don't think she bears us any ill will because of it.
24:51She sits there by the window.
24:53I sit opposite the fireplace at that refectory table,
24:57and the professor sits at the far end, up on the dais.
25:01I always tell Quirk when he has any bother with his firing system,
25:04one only has to look up the ceiling,
25:06and one will find described, analyzed, indexed and cross-indexed
25:10the human character in all its foibles and quirks.
25:14Foibles and quirks.
25:17Where do you keep all your files?
25:19These are the arms of the Verley family.
25:23They indicate the relationships by marriage
25:26on which the family fortunes were based.
25:28It is quite extraordinary, Mr. Pye,
25:31how the Verley family have kept itself to itself.
25:35It's fascinating.
25:37Where do you keep all your foreign publications?
25:40Since the 17th century,
25:42there has hardly been a single instance of a Verley
25:44marrying anyone who was not related to them.
25:47Lady Flambora is second cousin to her husband.
25:50Their eldest daughter, Chloe,
25:52is married to her first cousin, Lionel Verley,
25:55who is heir to the title and his thief.
25:58Hello again.
26:00Yes, hello again.
26:04Do you like being kissed?
26:06Well, yes, I mean, of course, I...
26:09What I mean is some men don't like being kissed.
26:11They prefer to do the kissing themselves.
26:13Oh, I see, you mean there's a difference
26:15between active and passive kissing.
26:17Yes, if you like to put it that way.
26:19I like both, as a matter of fact.
26:22First I like to be active, then passive,
26:26then both at the same time.
26:28Well, I suppose I should say that I like kissing
26:31more than being kissed.
26:33It's a more manly attitude, really, isn't it?
26:35But, uh...
26:36Though I wouldn't have dreamt of kissing you
26:37when I trod on your toe just now,
26:38I must admit I did rather enjoy being...
26:41kissed by you.
26:43You ought to see how you like being the kisser
26:45instead of the one who's kissed.
26:47Ought I?
26:48Yes, you ought.
26:50In a moment, I'm going to offer you my lips
26:53or cheek or ear.
26:55Whatever you choose.
26:57And I'll be jolly disappointed if you don't see how you like it.
27:01I wouldn't dream of disappointing you.
27:03Then which would you prefer?
27:05Lips, cheek or ear?
27:07You kiss beautifully.
27:09Jasper is a ball.
27:13I suppose you're enjoying yourself too much to help me carry these plants, Linda.
27:19I promised to take them to a woman in the village.
27:21I thought I'd enjoy the walk, but they're heavier than I thought.
27:25I'll take them.
27:26I'll take them.
27:27I have to collect my things from the pub.
27:28Ah!
27:29You're going to stay at the house.
27:30Good.
27:31Linda, run along and make sure Jasper's going to be comfortable.
27:32I'd imagine Quirky's very strong on bodily comforts.
27:35Oh, yes.
27:36I'd like to make sure Jasper's comfortable, Mummy.
27:39See you soon.
27:40I really must apologise, Lady Flambley.
27:41Oh, nonsense.
27:42I'd like to make sure Jasper's comfortable.
27:43Oh, yes.
27:44I'd like to make sure Jasper's comfortable.
27:45I'd like to make sure Jasper's comfortable, Mummy.
27:46See you soon.
27:47I really must apologise, Lady Flambley.
27:48Oh, nonsense.
27:49You could possibly stay at the pub.
27:50I mean, for rather embarrassing meetings.
27:51I'm never embarrassed.
27:52If you'll take a middle-aged woman's advice, you'll never be embarrassed.
27:55Well, I'd like to get my things from the pub.
27:56I'd like to get my things from the pub.
27:57Ah!
27:58You're going to stay at the house.
27:59Good.
28:00Linda, run along and make sure Jasper's going to be comfortable.
28:01I'd imagine Quirky's very strong on bodily comforts.
28:02Oh, yes.
28:03I'd like to make sure Jasper's comfortable, Mummy.
28:04See you soon.
28:05I really must apologise, Lady Flambley.
28:07Oh, nonsense.
28:08You could possibly stay at the pub?
28:10I mean, um, for rather embarrassing meetings.
28:15I'm never embarrassed.
28:16If you'll take a middle-aged woman's advice,
28:18you'll never be embarrassed, either.
28:19But I really ought to explain.
28:20No, don't try.
28:21The ways of the Ministry are quite inscrutable.
28:24You may be an agent from MI5, for all I know.
28:27Doesn't matter in the slightest,
28:29as long as you don't mind carrying the bridal wreath.
28:31The bridal wreath?
28:33Uh, I have to tell you that the situation in which you found us
28:36was quite, uh, fortuitous.
28:39Fortuitous?
28:41How amusing.
28:42I never heard it called that before.
28:44But tell me, how do you like the bridal wreath?
28:46Lady Flambley, look, I have to tell you,
28:48I have no intention of getting married.
28:50No?
28:51Well, you can have one all the same.
28:53I'd give you that one
28:54if I hadn't promised it to a cottager in the village.
28:56You mean this pot plant?
28:58It's what is known as the bridal wreath.
29:00Spiraea arguta.
29:02Oh, well, thank you very much, Lady Flambley.
29:04I'd love one.
29:06I'd like to book out.
29:12There's nothing wrong with my room.
29:14Um, it's just that I've been invited to stay at Arkady Hall.
29:17Not as the guest of Professor Duncan McAllister Pollux.
29:23Professor of pomposity at the University of Aberdeen.
29:28Yes, I am the guest of Professor Pollux.
29:32Well, my dear sir,
29:34kindly remember to spell it with a P and not a B.
29:39Don't take any notice of him, dear.
29:41It's just his little joke.
29:42You don't always see eye to eye with the Professor.
29:44But the Professor's done a little good for Arkady.
29:47His Lordship needs someone like him to manage the estate for him.
29:51Mr Jones, what can I get you?
29:54A pint of pigs here, please, Dimple.
29:56Evening, gents.
29:58Lovely time of year for the weather.
30:01Jones, are you the man who got the railway coaches for Lord Flamborough?
30:05Sorry if I am.
30:07I believe you have the collector's bug.
30:09I may have something for you.
30:10Oh, yes.
30:12I bought a ticket from Liverpool Street to Arkady yesterday.
30:16No, you can't have.
30:18The line ends at Flaxfield.
30:19The branch line to Arkady was closed four years ago.
30:22Yes, I didn't know that.
30:23And neither, it seems, to Liverpool Street Station.
30:30This is a collector's item.
30:32Liverpool Street to Arkady.
30:34And dated four years after they closed the line.
30:37This is the ticket equivalent of the unperforated stamp.
30:41What do you want for it?
30:43Oh, no, you're welcome to it.
30:45It's no use to me.
30:46Oh, much obliged to you, sir.
30:48I dare say you don't realise the value of a curiosity like this
30:52to a student of serendipity like meself.
30:55Serendipity?
30:56What the blazes is serendipity?
30:59Something naughty I'll be bound.
31:01Serendipity is the lucky chance by which I picks up unconsidered trifles.
31:06And I don't mean picking up glasses in a bar.
31:09Eh?
31:10That's meant for me, isn't it?
31:13Steady.
31:14Mr Jones was just having his little joke.
31:17Like what you did earlier.
31:19Look, I can take a joke as well as the next man,
31:22but if some tuppany apeny cockney pipsqueak,
31:26who's only here on sufferance,
31:28is gonna make offensive remarks...
31:30Please, he was only joking.
31:32Well, I don't want you to think I can't take a joke.
31:37Jones is all right, really.
31:40Thinks we're all a lot of old has-beens down here,
31:44and I expect he's right.
31:47But you see the family motto,
31:51the Verley family motto up there?
31:53Hick Manimus.
31:55Here we stay.
31:59Relics, that's what we are.
32:01Collectors' pieces.
32:05That's why this picker-up of unconsidered trifles
32:09finds us of interest.
32:11We're something to stick in his scrapbook.
32:14Who on earth was that?
32:24That was only Lionel Verley,
32:27husband of Lord Flamborough's oldest daughter, Chloe,
32:30and heir to the title and the estate.
32:33Funny old world, innit?
32:41Hello!
32:42Oh, hello.
32:43You're welcome to me.
32:45Do bat, or bowl, or both.
32:46I beg your pardon?
32:47I can see you're a cricketer.
32:49We should be glad of you for the Flaxfield match on Saturday,
32:51our derby game.
32:52It's our hundredth match this season.
32:54We're always short of players at harvest time.
32:59Well, I do play a bit.
33:01I suppose my batting isn't quite as indifferent as my bowling,
33:03but I'm totally out of practice.
33:05Naturally.
33:06That's what I've come to tell you.
33:07We're practicing now.
33:08Lionel, our champion batsman, is already at the net.
33:12Oh, no.
33:13I hardly think he's in a fit state for cricket practice.
33:15I haven't had any kit.
33:16Well, of course not.
33:17That's what I've come to tell you.
33:18I've found you a spare pair of trousers,
33:20and a pair of boots,
33:21and a place to change.
33:22Oh, no, no.
33:23Wait.
33:24I don't think...
33:25I really...
33:26No.
33:27No.
33:41Cricket seems to take up a lot of your time.
33:43Not to the neglect of my duties.
33:45Oh, no.
33:46No, no.
33:47I didn't.
33:48I wasn't.
33:49I...
33:50Good Lord.
33:52Dave!
33:54Hey!
33:59Hey!
34:07ности.
34:12But not enough ballast.
34:20Yeah! Knocked him in the old Kent Road!
34:29Half a pint on the stumps and a large scotch for anyone who catches me.
34:34Oh, sounds good.
34:42Never mind. It's your batting we're playing you for.
34:58Oh, it's a tradition of the club.
35:01We retrieve the ball ourselves when it's been hit into the woods.
35:12You won't find anything unless you look.
35:24You won't hear anything unless you listen.
35:28Who is it? Who are you?
35:32Where are you?
35:34You won't find anything unless you look.
35:36You won't hear anything unless you listen.
35:40Who is it?
35:42Who are you?
35:44Where are you?
35:46You won't find what you want by looking on the ground.
35:50Ah.
35:51You're in the tree, aren't you?
35:52Who are you?
35:53I'm the ghost of Bonnie Prince Charlie and the Bosco Belle Oak.
35:56It wasn't Bonnie Prince Charlie who sheltered in the Bosco Belle Oak.
35:57It was Charles II.
35:58And this is a beech tree.
35:59Ah.
36:00Well, I'm the ghost of Charles II then.
36:01Um, you seem to be the wrong sex for Charles II.
36:03Where are you?
36:04You won't find what you want by looking on the ground.
36:05Ah.
36:06You're in the tree, aren't you?
36:07Who are you?
36:08Who are you?
36:09Who are you?
36:10I'm the ghost of Bonnie Prince Charlie and the Bosco Belle Oak.
36:11This is a beech tree.
36:12Ah.
36:13Well, I'm the ghost of Charles II then.
36:16Um, you seem to be the wrong sex for Charles II.
36:21I'm a hermaphrodite, actually.
36:24I'm a lost soul.
36:25I can take on human form, male or female, at will.
36:28Oh, well.
36:31Can you catch?
36:32Well, yes, of course I can catch.
36:34I'm a newly elected member of the Arcadia Cricket Club, so...
36:36Can you catch with your eyes closed?
36:38I could try.
36:40Well, walk forward till you're standing underneath the lowest branch of the tree.
36:48Hold out your arms.
36:53And close your eyes.
36:55If you open them, I should put a spell on you and you'll become a lost soul, too.
37:00Catch!
37:04You're rather a Butterfingers, aren't you?
37:06Well, I wasn't prepared for such a handful.
37:07Look, um...
37:08Would you mind loosening your stranglehold?
37:10I'm having trouble getting up.
37:11Only if you swear to keep your eyes shut.
37:14I swear.
37:16Right, well, uh...
37:19Mm-hmm.
37:20Ah, another fortuitous situation.
37:22You promised you wouldn't open your eyes.
37:23Now you've lost me.
37:24Ah, another fortuitous situation.
37:33You promised you wouldn't open your eyes.
37:36Now you've lost me.
37:43My cottager was delighted with the bridal wreath.
37:46Oh, good, good.
37:47I do hope your work is going well.
37:49Well, I don't seem to be having much time, really,
37:51what with, um, one thing and another.
37:53Well, life can be so full, can't it?
37:56Is this what you were looking for, with your eyes shut?
38:06It is marked on a 17th-century plan as the eating room,
38:10and that is how it is still described today.
38:13Although the company that usually sits here
38:15consists of just three civil servants,
38:18we do respect tradition and adhere to the old terminology.
38:23I hope, Mr. Pye, you will not refer to it in your report
38:27as the canteen.
38:29Oh, no, my report will be concerned with the work done,
38:31not with the topography of the office.
38:33So you are going to write a report, Mr. Pye?
38:36I have put my own interpretation on your visit,
38:39but this is the first direct information
38:41I have been given of its purpose.
38:48Uh, since you know that I'm preparing a report,
38:50perhaps we can discuss the unit's work now?
38:52Uh, no.
38:53Who?
38:54Oh.
38:55Huh.
38:56Well, it doesn't matter, then.
38:57There's plenty of time.
38:58We have to attend a conference in Lord Flamborough's train
39:00to decide on the programme for the fate.
39:02Perhaps you'd join us?
39:03Yes, I'd like that.
39:05Aye, my dear Pye, you are going to join in, are you not?
39:08You, too, are an archady now.
39:14Ah, come in, Prof.
39:15Come in, quirky.
39:17I'm glad to see you've brought this young fellow from the Ministry.
39:20He'll have some ideas for us.
39:22He tells me he can dance the Charleston.
39:24He's a useful opening bat, too.
39:26Oh, what a fellow.
39:29Shall we begin?
39:31I should like to propose that Lordship takes a chair.
39:34Seconded.
39:36Declined.
39:37I never could be trusted with fallen women.
39:40Let's take our orders from the Prof, as usual.
39:43The Lord has spoken.
39:45I have much pleasure in seconding the Professor
39:47for the Chair of Female Delinquency.
39:49Agreed.
39:50Agreed.
39:53Lord, ladies, gentlemen, and Jones,
39:56I appreciate your confidence in me.
40:01The Marquis and the catering are in hand,
40:03and I have arranged for the provision of a pig
40:05and a set of bulls with which to bull for them.
40:08I have also secured a Suffolk ham,
40:10which will be suspended from a tree,
40:12and awarded to the competitor who succeeds in pinking it
40:15with a foil or epi blindfolded.
40:19I hope you've arranged for the St John's Ambulance people to be present.
40:23We must have fireworks.
40:25Oh, that would come under any other ideas, Lady Belinda.
40:27We are at present considering the Chairman's report.
40:31Her ladyship has agreed to organise the flower show,
40:34and the Lady Chloe is arranging a sweetie's stall.
40:37I propose to call on Mr Jones to put his talents as a salesman at our disposal
40:44and run a jumble sale.
40:46Jumble?
40:47Jumble, not on your live cock.
40:49Call it relics and curios, if you like,
40:52or treasure trove, not jumble.
40:54Right.
40:55That concludes the Chairman's report.
40:58We come now to the next item on the agenda.
41:00Any other ideas?
41:02I believe you suggested pyrotechnics, Lady Belinda.
41:06Well, I think we should have fireworks.
41:08Rockets, catherine wheels, golden rain.
41:11And a set piece, I suggest,
41:13illustrating a woman in the act of falling.
41:17Flagrenti delicto.
41:23Sorry.
41:25Right, I'll organise the fireworks, then, shall I?
41:29I'm all...
41:32lit up.
41:34Lit up like a Christmas tree.
41:37If you're talking of a firework display,
41:40I suggest all you need do
41:43is set a match to my breath.
41:52What about Mr Pie?
41:53Ah, yes.
41:54What about Mr Pie?
41:56Well, er...
41:58er...
41:59perhaps I could arrange something in the nature of, er...
42:01er...
42:02er...
42:03treasure hunt?
42:04Oh, I forgot to mention that.
42:05It's already been arranged.
42:06It's been organised by the kiddies
42:08from the primary school.
42:09Think again, chum.
42:11Why can't he put on a demonstration of the Charleston?
42:15I dare say the village girls
42:17would gladly pay sixpence of time
42:19for a hop with him.
42:21I have an idea our shy Mr Pie is not too keen.
42:26Perhaps Mr Pie has a talent for fortune-telling.
42:29We did very well with Madame Fatima last year.
42:31Yes, and the chiropodist from Flaxfield, who did it,
42:34has moved to Brightling Sea.
42:36I used to know a little girl from Brightling Sea.
42:40The name of Ada.
42:43Platinum blonde.
42:46She threw me over for a pork butcher.
42:49Pity.
42:50Still, no mind, I've got Susie now.
42:55Ignoring that contribution, what do you see, Mr Pie,
42:59to impersonating Madame Fatima?
43:02Well, I've never done that sort of thing,
43:05and I'm not sure that I'd be very convincing.
43:08And I'm not sure that I'll still be here.
43:10Oh, you'll still be here?
43:12I know what Mr Pie could do convincingly.
43:14He could kiss the girls at a shilling a time.
43:17Yes.
43:18Or even half a crown.
43:22Oh, really, Lady Belinda.
43:23Really, Lady Matilda.
43:25Perhaps it's a role more suited to Lionel.
43:28I'm not kissing any girls.
43:30I've got my Susie to deal with.
43:32Do we know who this Susie is?
43:35Could be that chorus girl from Lower Stafford.
43:39Is there any more, any other business?
43:42How about an ankle competition?
43:45I'm sure Mr Pie is a very good judge of ankles.
43:48I was getting a bit irritated by the assumption
43:50that I was interested in kisses and ankles.
43:52Well, all right, then, yes, I'll judge ankles.
43:54But I couldn't say no to everything.
43:56Good man. I knew you'd stay.
44:00Traction engines.
44:02Will you be quiet?
44:03It's any other idea, isn't it?
44:06This isn't any other idea.
44:08It's a traction engine rally idea.
44:11And I had the idea.
44:13And I've organised it for the fate.
44:16You've organised a traction engine rally?
44:18Yes, ducky.
44:19I've been round all the pubs in Thetford and Dys and Beckles and Bungay.
44:27And I've rallied the black caps.
44:30Eleven engines will assemble on the green at noon on bank holiday Monday.
44:37And I must go. Susie's outside.
44:39Outside? Lionel, really?
44:43Come on, prof.
44:45Come and meet Susie.
44:47This is preposterous.
44:48Outrageous.
44:49We haven't even finished any other ideas.
44:52Yeah, wheel me to the door, Jonesy.
44:54There's a good fellow.
44:55Must see what she's like.
44:57One never can be sure with Lionel's girls.
45:04Let that say, lady.
45:05Come and have a look at this.
45:06Meet the new girlfriend.
45:12Isn't she a smasher?
45:17Well, well.
45:18We seem to have fallen into an era of deduction.
45:22Perhaps he really has organised this rally.
45:31Not again.
45:33Will you help me get him home, please?
45:35Of course they decide.
45:36Of course they decide.
45:47Bubbly.
45:49That's what we want.
45:51Magnums and Jeroboamers and bubbly.
45:55Oh.
45:56You're going to lie down for a little while first, Lionel.
46:00Mm-hmm.
46:02It's just like a wife.
46:03Always fussing like an old hen.
46:05Will you bring me the brandy ducky?
46:06You stay there, darling.
46:07I'll see if I can find some.
46:08Ooh.
46:09Ooh.
46:10He'll fall off to sleep now.
46:11He usually does.
46:13Shall we go down to the battery and have a drink ourselves?
46:16You stay there, darling. I'll see if I can find some.
46:23He'll fall off to sleep now. He usually does.
46:28Shall we go down to the battery and have a drink ourselves?
46:31I could do with one.
46:40Do you mind sitting in one of these awful chairs?
46:43I'll see what there is to drink.
46:46I keep the door locked when Lionel's in one of his states.
46:59I don't like to risk him going down the dungeon steps and breaking his neck.
47:16What fascinating names these rooms have?
47:22Damask room? Moonlight room? Gilded turrets? Gothic chamber?
47:29Sir Almerick's room?
47:30Sir Almerick's room?
47:41Are you all right?
47:42Please.
47:43Please forgive me.
47:44What's the matter?
47:57Let's not let it go.
48:03Is it Lionel?
48:10Poor Chloe.
48:17Poor Chloe.
48:22You are so sweet.
48:27You are so sweet.
48:34You are so sweet.
48:37Thanks for getting to know about these songs.
48:40I'll see you next time.
48:42Let's go.
48:46Then we'll be right back.