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00:00:00I'll see you next time.
00:01:00Hello! Hello! Thank you so much. What a welcome. Hello! Hello! Thank you, everyone. Welcome to the Grand Tour, which this week comes to you from the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland.
00:01:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:01:30Exactly. Now, to most people around the world, Scotland is just a bunch of scenery and Mel Gibson with some paint on his face. But actually, it's a bit more than that. What we have here is a list of all the important things that were invented in America, OK? This is what the Germans came up with. Then we've got the English contribution. And then, obviously, let's have a look at what France did.
00:01:54LAUGHTER
00:01:56That's it. I'm not making that up.
00:01:58Actually, and the pencil shot.
00:02:00Oh, and the pencil shot. Oh, I forgot that.
00:02:02Now, let's have a look at the list of things that were invented by Scottish people.
00:02:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:02:11It's unbelievable. It's everything.
00:02:13Cordyte.
00:02:15Croning.
00:02:16Colour photography.
00:02:17Percussion hat.
00:02:19Golf.
00:02:20Lime cordial.
00:02:21I mean, the list goes on and on.
00:02:22Buick.
00:02:23Hang on a minute.
00:02:24Why is the US Navy on there?
00:02:28I'm not joking.
00:02:29That was actually invented by a Scottish person.
00:02:31Was it?
00:02:32So was the BBC, so was the SAS.
00:02:34All special forces, in fact.
00:02:36And I think I know why.
00:02:38If you are from Mexico or France or Italy, you wake up in the morning, open the curtains, it's a lovely day, think I'll go to the beach.
00:02:45In Scotland, you open the curtains.
00:02:47It's damp and cold, I'll go to the shed and I'll invent something.
00:02:51What's going on there?
00:02:54I'm surprised, actually, the English don't just say that those are British inventions.
00:02:59Ah, yes, the Andy Murray syndrome.
00:03:02Let's be honest, this does happen a lot.
00:03:05OK, Alexander Graham Bell.
00:03:07When he was working away with his Bakelite and his wires in his shed, he was a Scottish crackpot.
00:03:13When he invented the telephone, he was a British genius.
00:03:18Exactly the same sort of thing happens with sport.
00:03:20Motor racing.
00:03:21Jackie Stewart, three times Formula One world champion.
00:03:25OK, he's British.
00:03:26Jim Clarke, two times Formula One world champion.
00:03:30British.
00:03:31David Coulthard, Scottish.
00:03:33That's how it works.
00:03:38That's how it works.
00:03:39Maybe we should explain to people in America what's going on here.
00:03:44Yeah, exactly. Let me just clear this up for you.
00:03:45This is how it works on this side of the pond.
00:03:47OK, this is Britain.
00:03:48Now, this bit is England, where we're from.
00:03:50Yeah.
00:03:51This bit's Scotland, where we are now.
00:03:52This bit's Wales, which is next to where I live.
00:03:55Yes, exactly.
00:03:56Now, the rules are very simple.
00:03:58If you're English and you become brilliant or do something brilliant, you remain English.
00:04:03If you're Scottish or Welsh and you do something brilliant, the English decide that you are in fact British.
00:04:11Yeah.
00:04:12The English really are appalling, aren't they?
00:04:14They are pretty good.
00:04:15Let's just get this over.
00:04:21I tell you what, I love being in Scotland because everyone here speaks their mind.
00:04:26There's no ambiguity.
00:04:27There's the town of Larkhall in Scotland, their welcome sign.
00:04:30Here we go.
00:04:31Yeah.
00:04:32This is Scotland.
00:04:33It's not just words, either.
00:04:34It's actions.
00:04:35Do you remember that terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport a couple of years ago?
00:04:36Yeah.
00:04:37OK, so somebody tried to explode.
00:04:38Bomb didn't go off.
00:04:39He ran off and he didn't get very far because this happened.
00:04:53This happened.
00:05:00The Scottish way.
00:05:01That is the Scottish way.
00:05:04And, um, interestingly, there have been no terrorist attacks in Scotland since.
00:05:11Just thinking about that for a second, when he kicked it, he must have broken his foot on the other guy's pelvis.
00:05:16Yeah.
00:05:17Which means the guy's plums were in the middle of the impact.
00:05:21When that terrorist woke up that morning, he must have thought, right, the worst thing that's going to happen to me today is I'm going to blow up.
00:05:29It wasn't that, was it?
00:05:30No, was it?
00:05:31No, because the only thing to explode that day was his knackers.
00:05:33Oh, God.
00:05:34Can I get on with the show, please?
00:05:36Yes, good idea, because in tonight's car programme...
00:05:40I urinate on an engine.
00:05:44Richard wears an anorak.
00:05:47And James takes drugs.
00:05:52But first, I want to talk about Fiat.
00:05:54They're mostly known these days for the 500, which is a small retro hatchback.
00:05:58But after an absence of more than a decade, they are back in the sports car game.
00:06:02So I went down to the Ebola-drome to check out what they've come up with.
00:06:06Here it is.
00:06:21And as with the 500, you can tell straight away that Fiat are playing the nostalgia card.
00:06:29Because this car is called the 124 Spider, in honour of their rear-wheel-drive roadster from the 70s.
00:06:36Under the skin, though, the 124 is based on the thoroughly modern Mazda MX-5.
00:06:45Fiat supplies some important things like the engine and the body.
00:06:50But both cars are built on the same production line in Japan.
00:06:56On the surface, that is no bad thing.
00:06:59I mean, you're going to sleep a lot better at night knowing that your Italian car was actually put together by the Japanese.
00:07:06However, it does raise a question.
00:07:08Is that a sports car in its own right?
00:07:11Or just a Mazda with a different badge on it?
00:07:14Well, before we find out, let's look a bit more closely at the badge.
00:07:20Because you'll notice it says a bath.
00:07:24A bath are Fiat's go-to people when they want to light a fire under one of their cars.
00:07:30Not light an actual fire, but give what's already there some extra zest and zing and fire.
00:07:37For starters, a bath has tuned the 1.4-litre turbocharged engine so that this, the hottest 124, is faster than any MX-5.
00:07:530-60 takes 6.8 seconds.
00:07:58And the top speed is 145 miles an hour.
00:08:02But in a car like this, that feels like 145 million.
00:08:10Certainly bundles for me.
00:08:14And it's not just performance where the 124 has the edge over its Japanese half-brother.
00:08:20I have to admit, and this comes from someone who struggles to find fault with the MX-5.
00:08:26The 124 does sound better.
00:08:32A bath have given it something called the Record Monza exhaust system.
00:08:36What it does is make a small car produce a big car noise.
00:08:41It's like a cat in a lion's suit, and that's exactly the sort of panto you want.
00:08:54What I'm saying here is that this car does its own thing. It has its own personality, and that's important.
00:09:05But on the next point, the 124 does take a bit of a body blow.
00:09:08You see, there's a price to pay for all this Abarthness, and that price is £30,000, 5,000 more than the top MX-5.
00:09:22That said, the 124 does give you more under the skin, most notably in the handling department.
00:09:34The thing is, our bath have given this car a limited slip diff, which makes sliding something you command.
00:09:41The MX-5 doesn't have that, neither does it have this sport button here, which relaxes the stability control quite a lot.
00:10:00So, what we have here is a car that's fast, sounds good, and is great fun in the corners.
00:10:19But there's something else very important about the 124.
00:10:29I don't know that there's really a million miles of difference between this and the MX-5.
00:10:36But everything I do in this car, I'm doing in an Italian sports car.
00:10:42And it is impossible for that not to put you in a good mood.
00:10:46It does feel so good to be in a small Italian roadster again.
00:10:53It's about time.
00:10:55Everything about this little Fiat is designed to stir the emotions and make you smile like a child.
00:11:03Right down to the retro black bonnet.
00:11:06God, I love a black bonnet.
00:11:08It's just, ooh.
00:11:10It's just, it's a black bonnet.
00:11:12It's a black bonnet.
00:11:13Only cool cars had black bonnets.
00:11:15Fact.
00:11:17I really like the MX-5.
00:11:20But the 124 has taken those Japanese foundations and added some Italian showmanship.
00:11:28That's why I'd have it over the Mazda.
00:11:31I don't just like it.
00:11:32I like it.
00:11:33I love it.
00:11:38Wow!
00:11:42Because, as you know, I'm a sucker for an Italian sports car.
00:11:48Yeah.
00:11:49Love them to bits, especially the Alfa.
00:11:51However, I've driven an ordinary cooking Fiat 124 and that is not as good as an MX-5.
00:11:56Not even close.
00:11:58No, that's true.
00:11:59You'd be better off with the MX-5 unless you want the fastest MX-5, in which case, by the Abarth.
00:12:05Quite.
00:12:06Have we just done consumer advice?
00:12:09A little bit. A little bit.
00:12:10Move it on quickly.
00:12:11Feels weird.
00:12:12Yes, we will move it on.
00:12:13And we'll find out how fast the Abarth goes round the Ebola drone.
00:12:17That, of course, means handing it over to a man who thinks that beards were invented by Lenin.
00:12:22Yep.
00:12:24There he is, poised and ready.
00:12:28And he's off with a skitter of wheelspin and a fruity noise from the exhaust.
00:12:34Straight on to a soaking wet isn't straight.
00:12:38What the hell has happened in my life that I'm over here driving a Fiat in the wet in England?
00:12:49He may not be enjoying it, but he is very good at it.
00:12:52As he carves the 124 through the standing water, making the best use of its 170 horsepower.
00:13:00Really leaning on it as he approaches your name here.
00:13:03That is Ballsy.
00:13:05Now, heavy on the brakes, swoops around this fast left-hander, and exits with a skillful flurry of stylish oversteer.
00:13:13Back onto the isn't.
00:13:15Hell, I don't know whether to drive this thing or use it for a spit cup.
00:13:20Charming.
00:13:22Nerds will note these conditions would be better suited to a Bachetta.
00:13:25If you like this car, I bet you've got a lot of fancy cushions in your house.
00:13:30Yeah, because, as we know, cushions are, of course, communist.
00:13:35Right, into the tight complex of old lady's house.
00:13:39Keeping it nice and tidy through there.
00:13:41And now, full power for the lumpy, bumpy sprint down to substation.
00:13:48Front hazards coming on under hard braking, or fear to do that for some reason.
00:13:52Armful of opposite lock into field of sheep.
00:13:55More exuberance through there, and across the line.
00:13:57It was a ballsy entry to your name here, that one. It really was.
00:14:08Anyway, we must now find out where it ends up on the board.
00:14:13Let's have a look.
00:14:15Oh, dear.
00:14:17Oh, dear, Hammond.
00:14:18So, you've recommended what is officially the slowest car in the world.
00:14:22Well, no, slowest car on our board.
00:14:25Our board is the world.
00:14:28Look, it was wet.
00:14:29That lake's wet.
00:14:30Someone once did 200 miles an hour on that.
00:14:32And?
00:14:33Well, then they were killed, I admit, but...
00:14:35Quite, quite.
00:14:36So, let's move on.
00:14:37It's time now for us to take a gentle cruise down the velvety smoothness of Conversation Street.
00:14:51That really hurt.
00:14:53Just to be absolutely clear with you, that really, really hurt.
00:14:56Yeah.
00:14:57It was supposed to be a pretend bottle.
00:15:00Anyway, let's move it on.
00:15:02Yes, I would like to converse about something very important.
00:15:04Why is it that we have leather seats in cars?
00:15:07Because, in reality, it's a terrible material.
00:15:10I mean, it's too shiny and slippery, and it's too hot or it's too cold.
00:15:13It's rubbish.
00:15:14I think it's because we got hung up on the idea, didn't we, that leather is somehow posh on a car seat.
00:15:20But it didn't used to be like that.
00:15:21In the old days, the posh people sat in the back of the car on cloth seats, and it was the chauffeur, the driver, sitting at the front.
00:15:26They gave him leather because it's hard-wearing.
00:15:28I've got a picture here of an old car.
00:15:30Look, they didn't even extend the roof to cover it.
00:15:33Just another three feet would have done it.
00:15:35And I think that's deliberate.
00:15:36I think that's to remind him that he's scum.
00:15:38Yeah.
00:15:39What would you two like to have instead of leather?
00:15:43Well, there's all sorts of things you could use.
00:15:45You could have cable knit.
00:15:47Wool.
00:15:48Well, which is...
00:15:49But it's nice.
00:15:50It's cosy.
00:15:51Lovely.
00:15:52I'm just desperately looking around.
00:15:53I mean, his jumper would make quite a good car seat.
00:15:54Yeah, be cosy.
00:15:55It's nylon.
00:15:56It is.
00:15:57Or pleblon.
00:15:58One of the two.
00:16:00It's a good idea.
00:16:01It isn't a good idea.
00:16:02It's right.
00:16:03It isn't.
00:16:04Or, how's this for an idea?
00:16:05Let me just throw it out there.
00:16:07Why not take a cow, turn the middle of it into burgers and steaks,
00:16:12and then instead of throwing the skin away,
00:16:15use it to cover the seats of your car?
00:16:17Because it's a terrible material and it doesn't work.
00:16:20That's only because you two have decided to be vegetarians.
00:16:24Well, no, hang on.
00:16:25No, they have.
00:16:26They actually have.
00:16:27They woke up together one morning and went,
00:16:29let's not eat meat anymore.
00:16:30OK, we didn't wake up together one morning.
00:16:32Absolutely clear on that.
00:16:35It's just a fine definition.
00:16:36Mysteriously arrived at the same conclusion at pretty much the same day.
00:16:40Anyway, we still eat chicken.
00:16:42Yep.
00:16:43And chicken is a vegetable.
00:16:44It is.
00:16:45It is.
00:16:46Scientifically, chicken is a vegetable.
00:16:48If you cut a chicken's head off, it still runs around.
00:16:52There you go.
00:16:53Thereby proving it's not a sentient being,
00:16:55it's a higher order vegetable.
00:16:56It's a vegetable.
00:16:57Scientifically.
00:16:58OK, then, well, we'll make the seats in your cars out of chicken skins.
00:17:01Actually, that's not a bad idea.
00:17:02Wouldn't a chicken skin seat just look like a giant scrotum?
00:17:07Yes, and that's your fault for not eating meat.
00:17:10So now let's move on, shall we?
00:17:12I've got something.
00:17:13Back in the 1920s, OK, a Scottish company made a car which they said was for women.
00:17:19Got a picture of it here.
00:17:20It's called the Galloway.
00:17:21Yeah, but what about that car makes it for women?
00:17:25Well, they said that it had a smaller than usual steering wheel and a more reliable engine.
00:17:30Oh, yeah, of course, because men don't want a reliable engine, do they?
00:17:34It's only women.
00:17:35I hate reliable engines.
00:17:36Also, you could drive it standing up, which is what women did in life.
00:17:39This sort of thing is still going on today, actually, because I've got news of one here.
00:17:42A car that's been launched called the Seat Mii Cosmopolitan.
00:17:47We have a picture of it.
00:17:48There you go.
00:17:49Sorry, how do you spell Mii?
00:17:50M-I-I.
00:17:51It's Mii.
00:17:52It's a Mii.
00:17:53It's a Mii.
00:17:54What are you driving these days?
00:17:55I've got a Mii.
00:17:57Well, it's been done in collaboration with Cosmopolitan magazine.
00:18:01It's aimed at Cosmogirl, it says, and are you ready?
00:18:04The headlights have an eyeliner shape.
00:18:06No doubt.
00:18:07It's easy to park.
00:18:09Oh, yeah, because I much prefer a car that's hard to park because I'm a man.
00:18:14Can we just...
00:18:15Can we get something clear here, OK?
00:18:17This gender splitting of cars is ridiculous.
00:18:19It's like saying, oh, a woman's airline seat or a woman's matches or woman's anything.
00:18:25Hello, can I buy a box of women's pencils, please?
00:18:27Exactly.
00:18:28It's a shame.
00:18:29Exactly.
00:18:30The only things I can think of that can be split by gender are bicycles because of the
00:18:34crossbar.
00:18:35Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:18:36And underwear.
00:18:37Sometimes, yeah.
00:18:41Overshare.
00:18:42I said that.
00:18:49I left in a hurry.
00:18:50Honestly, I just can't understand why people think there's such a thing as a woman's car
00:18:57or a man's car.
00:18:58No, no, it's ridiculous.
00:18:59It's not as if you drive cars with your old chap or your magic triangle.
00:19:01It's ridiculous.
00:19:02But then, you know, there's, um...
00:19:03LAUGHTER
00:19:04LAUGHTER
00:19:05LAUGHTER
00:19:07LAUGHTER
00:19:08APPLAUSE
00:19:10Listen...
00:19:11It's a little graphic.
00:19:14But a few years ago, Volvo did a concept car and they boasted very loudly that the whole
00:19:19thing had been designed entirely by women.
00:19:22OK?
00:19:23And I've got a picture of it.
00:19:24It's a coupe with gullwing doors and a massive engine.
00:19:27So everyone would do.
00:19:28I would definitely have done that.
00:19:29Yes.
00:19:30Yes, exactly.
00:19:31Men and women are exactly the same when it comes to cars.
00:19:32Yes.
00:19:33The end.
00:19:34Exactly.
00:19:35Right.
00:19:36Now, you know Tesla?
00:19:37Tesla believes it's pioneering the electric car.
00:19:39But that ain't so.
00:19:40There was a Scottish company back in the 60s, made an electric car.
00:19:43I've got a picture of it here.
00:19:44Oh, God.
00:19:46LAUGHTER
00:19:47It's called the Scamp.
00:19:48OK?
00:19:49It had a top speed of 35 miles an hour, a range of 20 miles, and I want to make it
00:19:54absolutely plain that's Scottish, not British.
00:19:57It is.
00:19:58LAUGHTER
00:19:59Very definitely.
00:20:00Yeah, that...
00:20:01Yeah.
00:20:02That ain't Scottish.
00:20:03Yeah.
00:20:04LAUGHTER
00:20:05I hope we can end up on the 70s.
00:20:06All right.
00:20:07Now, all over the world, people, by and large, buy very boring cars.
00:20:12I met a man yesterday who'd just spent £8,000 on a five-year-old Ford Focus,
00:20:17and I thought, why did you do that?
00:20:19If you've got £8,000 to spend, why didn't you buy a used Maserati?
00:20:23I think it's because people believe if you buy a used, exotic Italian car for £8,000,
00:20:28it's going to break down all the time.
00:20:30Yes, but will it?
00:20:32To find out, we actually put our own money on the line, and we each went out and bought
00:20:37a second-hand Maserati.
00:20:39Yes, and then we decided that cars this glamorous and this exciting couldn't possibly be tested
00:20:46in Britain.
00:20:47So we decided to meet up in continental Europe.
00:20:51This is the racetrack we selected.
00:21:03It's just 60 miles from Calais, and I arrived bright and early.
00:21:08This is a Maserati by Turbo.
00:21:18First car in the world to be fitted with two turbochargers.
00:21:23And this particular example is the sought-after S model.
00:21:27And it's only done 24,000 miles.
00:21:31And yet, despite that, all I paid for it was £7,950.
00:21:36So you get all this glamour.
00:21:39All this power.
00:21:41All that badge.
00:21:42For less than you'd pay in the UK for a six-year-old Toyota Pius.
00:21:47Oh.
00:21:52Why has Richard Hammond arrived in a Ford Cortina?
00:21:55Oh, no, wait.
00:21:56It isn't a Ford Cortina.
00:21:58It's another Biturbo!
00:22:00No, this is the 430.
00:22:03It isn't.
00:22:04It is.
00:22:05A Biturbo.
00:22:06This isn't a Biturbo.
00:22:07It is!
00:22:08That's a Biturbo.
00:22:09Hammond, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the Ghibli, the Racing, the Karif, the
00:22:15Shamal, the 222 and the 430, they were all the same car.
00:22:18They haven't got any money.
00:22:19They just changed the name badge on the back.
00:22:21These are the same car.
00:22:23Yours is very ugly, but it's the same car.
00:22:25I dispute that.
00:22:26Dispute that.
00:22:27This is not ugly.
00:22:28This is elegant.
00:22:29This is Italian style.
00:22:30It isn't...
00:22:31I really...
00:22:32That is a fabulous looking thing.
00:22:33Let's have a look at this.
00:22:34It's a bit gaudy, mate.
00:22:35You want to hear this baby fire up?
00:22:36Get out!
00:22:37Save yourself!
00:22:38Yes!
00:22:39Feel the power of that!
00:22:40Have you seen all this?
00:22:41There's no other word for it.
00:22:42Oil.
00:22:43Yeah, that...
00:22:44Yeah.
00:22:45Yeah.
00:22:46Happily, before any more could flood out, James arrived.
00:22:59Have you ever seen a more ungainly looking machine?
00:23:05What's the matter?
00:23:07Is your door broken?
00:23:08No, I'm broken.
00:23:09Can you hold the door for me?
00:23:11Behold, the Maserati Zergato Spider.
00:23:16No, by turbo, mate.
00:23:17No, it's a Zergato Spider.
00:23:18It is all by turbos.
00:23:20See, I think this was designed when it was owned by Citroen,
00:23:23which was bankrupt at the time.
00:23:25Then there was some guy in America who had a bit of Maserati,
00:23:28and then I think the Italian government, or Fiat,
00:23:30they all sort of had bits of it.
00:23:32Right.
00:23:33And they just ran around going,
00:23:34we made a new car, look!
00:23:35And it was exactly the same as the last car,
00:23:36it just had a new name.
00:23:37Excuse me, James.
00:23:38I just wanted to see just...
00:23:40Oh, you've got like two-tone leather.
00:23:42Mm.
00:23:43But why have you got an automatic?
00:23:45I've bust my arm.
00:23:46That's why it took a long time to get out.
00:23:48Have you really broken your arm?
00:23:49Which arm have you broken?
00:23:50It has made me murderously bad-tempered and intolerant of your fatuousness.
00:23:57Have you seriously broken your arm?
00:23:59Well, it's fractured quite badly.
00:24:01Don't touch it.
00:24:02How did you break it?
00:24:03I fell over.
00:24:04Anyway, that's why you got an automatic?
00:24:06Yes.
00:24:07Is that roof electric?
00:24:08No.
00:24:09Hang on, there's a little button on the front.
00:24:12Oh, right, brilliant.
00:24:13So it is manual?
00:24:14Yes.
00:24:15Anyway, we must get off.
00:24:16Come on, let's drive on.
00:24:17Can you put the roof back up for me?
00:24:19No, I'm not doing that.
00:24:21We decided, first of all, to have a drag race.
00:24:29Between our cars and a similarly priced modern car, the Suzuki Celery.
00:24:40Tense moment.
00:24:42Sadly, however, the pit straight was too narrow for our four cars.
00:24:56What are you doing?
00:24:58I'm a too idiot!
00:25:05You crashed into my Maserati, wasn't there?
00:25:07You crashed into mine?
00:25:08I've got nowhere to go.
00:25:09There's a barrier there.
00:25:10Well, there was no way for me to go is where I was.
00:25:14So, for the second attempt...
00:25:18I volunteered to go down the pit lane.
00:25:23Yes, this is genius.
00:25:27And that didn't work either.
00:25:29We're emerging on the track.
00:25:31How many is there?
00:25:32What the hell?
00:25:33What?
00:25:34Oh, shit!
00:25:37Oh, my God!
00:25:39Why the hell can't we just do a drag race properly?
00:25:44It can't be that difficult.
00:25:47After this latest accident, we decided that, as Hammond's car had the biggest engine...
00:25:54...he'd represent Maserati's honour on his own.
00:25:57Okay, this is it.
00:25:59I am the elected driver.
00:26:02The chosen one.
00:26:04The kingpin.
00:26:08I like that.
00:26:13Oh, a massive amount of bleeping about.
00:26:15But then, finally, it spools up.
00:26:21Turbo's whizzing away.
00:26:28And, yes, absolutely creamed it.
00:26:32Yep, they were right to pick me.
00:26:34And the car.
00:26:35The 430 Maserati.
00:26:40Right, now you've established that, as a team, our twin-turbocharged Maseratis are faster than a 67-horsepower Celery.
00:26:48Let's get rid of the little Japanese car and find out which of our three cars is the fastest round the track.
00:26:55Yeah.
00:26:57We'll be driving Maseratis on a racetrack in continental Europe.
00:27:01It just sounds good, doesn't it?
00:27:02What's the matter with you?
00:27:03Why do you look so miserable?
00:27:07I've broken my arm.
00:27:09Well, if we're going to drive round a track, can I at least have one of those disabled knob things?
00:27:15You know.
00:27:16Well, I don't work on the steering wheel.
00:27:17Yeah, like a forklift truck has one.
00:27:18That sounds fair enough.
00:27:21So, whilst our colleague enjoyed his special breakfast...
00:27:26Richard and I attached his steering knob.
00:27:28There you go.
00:27:31And then we hit the track.
00:27:35The roots of this car.
00:27:37Well, they were planted during the 1957 German Grand Prix.
00:27:42Fangio, at the wheel of his Maserati 250F, overcame a 48-second deficit in 22 laps to win the race.
00:27:51He smashed the lap record ten times.
00:27:55You don't lose a pedigree like that.
00:27:58Here we go.
00:27:59Feel the tail kick out a little bit.
00:28:02All the front go.
00:28:04There's the back.
00:28:06On the front.
00:28:08Oh, God.
00:28:10I've got it.
00:28:14Wow. Flying laps in a Maserati.
00:28:17This is exactly what Stirling Moss did.
00:28:19Not exactly.
00:28:20All the bits of it are.
00:28:21Meanwhile, in the convertible, James was very unhappy with his new steering knob.
00:28:36Oh, God, it's the left-hander.
00:28:47Bend the knob.
00:28:50What is the matter with those two?
00:28:52We're OK. We're in good shape.
00:28:59No, we're not.
00:29:01Despite my lucky dip handling, I did eventually catch Hammond.
00:29:06Take him. Take him on the inside.
00:29:12Yes.
00:29:15Yes.
00:29:18No!
00:29:19Oh, God, Stirling.
00:29:29He's doing sorely now.
00:29:32Jesus.
00:29:36He just has too many horsepowers here.
00:29:40Come on!
00:29:43Oh, shit.
00:29:44Mr. Clarkson is indisposed briefly.
00:29:48And moments later, so was Mr. Hammond.
00:29:54No, no, no!
00:29:57Come on!
00:29:59So, having learned absolutely nothing at all,
00:30:03we decided to abandon the racetrack
00:30:07and embark on a 700-mile cruise to the south of France.
00:30:11James was very pleased with this plan.
00:30:16This is more like it, isn't it?
00:30:18Not mucking around on a racetrack,
00:30:20which is always a bad idea in old cars.
00:30:22Now we're going on a proper road trip
00:30:24to a lovely part of the world in very, very evocative, exotic cars.
00:30:30Maserati.
00:30:32In the 1970s, Maserati was naming all its cars after
00:30:37exotic-sounding warm winds.
00:30:40Mistral, Kamsin, Bora.
00:30:45When I was a kid growing up in Doncaster, I just thought,
00:30:48I've no idea what a Mistral is, but I want one.
00:30:52Maserati.
00:30:55South of France.
00:30:56It just sounds right.
00:31:02However, fairly soon, reality began to stick its unwelcome nose
00:31:07into the equation.
00:31:09You get no heat in here, and I can't de-mist at all.
00:31:13The brakes.
00:31:15It brakes one wheel very well, but only one wheel at a time,
00:31:19and you never know which one.
00:31:20James?
00:31:25Are my lights dazzling here?
00:31:27Yeah, a bit.
00:31:29That's because they seem to be on main beam, but I can't dip them.
00:31:33The interesting thing is, if I put my headlights on full beam,
00:31:36nobody coming the other way flashes at me.
00:31:41You hear that rattling?
00:31:44That's the steering wheel.
00:31:45On top of the mechanical issues, there was the problem of James
00:31:51tackling the tollbooths in his right-hand-drive car.
00:31:56Oh! Oh!
00:31:58Excuse me, what's this?
00:32:00Oh!
00:32:02Oh!
00:32:06Oh!
00:32:08Oh!
00:32:10We've got 700 miles to go.
00:32:11It's going to take us forever at this speed.
00:32:16And then, to cap it all...
00:32:19Jeremy, there are sparks coming from under your car.
00:32:24I think we probably need to stop.
00:32:28Oh, look.
00:32:30Something's on fire. Fire!
00:32:32Right, don't have to piss on it.
00:32:34Oh, no.
00:32:36Go round there.
00:32:38It's going to claim to be an emergency service now.
00:32:41Annoyingly, our road trip wasn't proving to be as stylish as we'd hoped.
00:32:48So, at the next petrol stop, with James failing to appreciate a present we'd bought for him...
00:32:54You used to have a good sense of humour.
00:32:55I do have a good sense of humour.
00:32:56I do have a good sense of humour when you're being funny, which you are sometimes.
00:33:00I suggested a new idea.
00:33:02Listen, listen, I've had a thought.
00:33:04South of France is a very long way away, so why don't we go to the north of France instead?
00:33:08Yes!
00:33:10That is a good idea.
00:33:12And there's so much more to see and do in the north of France than there is in the south of France.
00:33:15Yes!
00:33:17Well, there's the immigrant camp in Calais.
00:33:21There's that square where they set fire to a woman.
00:33:25Yes.
00:33:34There'll be other stuff. There will be other stuff.
00:33:36OK, thank you very much.
00:33:42Thank you so much, thank you.
00:33:44We'll pick that up later on, but now it's time to play Celebrity Brain Crash!
00:33:51Yeah, it's still terrible.
00:34:02OK, now, what can we say about our guest this week?
00:34:07He's Scottish, but he won a gold medal at the Olympics.
00:34:12So, of course, he's British.
00:34:15He started out in cycling, then very wisely took up motor racing, actually competed at Le Mans.
00:34:21But today, he's in a boat.
00:34:23Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Chris Hoy!
00:34:27There he is!
00:34:30There he is!
00:34:32It's gonna be all right.
00:34:33He's rowing it the wrong way around.
00:34:35And the great thing is, whoa, everyone, the great thing is that Loch Ness is a peaceful inland lake with no hazards at all.
00:34:46We may finally get a guest to the studio.
00:34:49Yeah, that'd be great.
00:34:50Get him in unharmed.
00:34:52Come on, Sir Hoy!
00:34:53Come on!
00:34:54Come on, you can do it!
00:34:55Oh, my!
00:34:56What happened?
00:34:57How?
00:34:58I mean, what?
00:34:59OK, ladies and gentlemen, you've just applauded the tragic death of Sir Hoy.
00:35:16No idea.
00:35:17I think he must have hit a mine.
00:35:21And there was a terrific explosion, you may have seen it, and he's now...
00:35:26Well, he's gone, hasn't he?
00:35:29Does that mean he's not coming on, then?
00:35:31Well, James, he's exploded and been reduced to chops and offal.
00:35:37So that is a no.
00:35:39It's OK, then.
00:35:40I've got a backup plan.
00:35:41You know voice activation systems in cars?
00:35:44They don't really work.
00:35:45Particularly, they don't work in Scotland.
00:35:47As we shall now demonstrate with a short clip of a man trying to pair his telephone with his voxel.
00:35:56Pair.
00:35:58You can say pair, select device, voice feedback, help, or cancel.
00:36:05Pair.
00:36:07You can say pair, select device.
00:36:09I just said pair!
00:36:10Or cancel.
00:36:13Pair.
00:36:16You can say pair, select device, voice feedback, help, or cancel.
00:36:23Pair.
00:36:26Pardon?
00:36:29What I really love about this guy is how long he perseveres for.
00:36:35What's this?
00:36:36Pair.
00:36:39Do you want to add or delete a device?
00:36:41Yes!
00:36:43Add a device.
00:36:44Pardon?
00:36:45Add a device.
00:36:47Using the pair function in the external device.
00:36:49Yes!
00:36:56Brilliant.
00:36:57Anyway.
00:36:59That is the problem.
00:37:01That is the problem.
00:37:02But Hammond, I have a solution.
00:37:05OK?
00:37:06No, don't scoff.
00:37:07Don't scoff.
00:37:08This is a system that is cheap.
00:37:10It works anywhere in the world.
00:37:12And you can fit it to any car, no matter how old it is.
00:37:16Let me show you how it works.
00:37:19OK?
00:37:20Step in.
00:37:21Ready?
00:37:22Voice activation.
00:37:23Engage wipers.
00:37:24It's just a man.
00:37:25It's Gavril from Bulgaria.
00:37:26And you can do anything.
00:37:27Right.
00:37:28Select drive.
00:37:29There you go.
00:37:30Call bellend.
00:37:31Now, he picks up the phone.
00:37:32He does all the dialing.
00:37:33My hands are on the wheel.
00:37:34I'm safe that he holds it next to my ear so it's hands-free.
00:37:35Who's...
00:37:36Who's bellend?
00:37:37What?
00:37:38I don't want to talk to you.
00:37:39End call.
00:37:40All right, then.
00:37:41Punch driver.
00:37:42Punch.
00:37:43It doesn't work.
00:37:44He won't respond to you.
00:37:45Only me.
00:37:46That's the genius.
00:37:47And gets better.
00:37:48Get out, OK?
00:37:49He locks the doors.
00:37:50And then he opens them when I get back so I don't have to have any keys with me, which
00:37:55would spoil the line of magic.
00:37:56I don't want to talk to you.
00:37:57Who's...
00:37:58Who's...
00:37:59Who's billing?
00:38:00Who's billing?
00:38:01What?
00:38:02I don't want to talk to you.
00:38:03End call.
00:38:04All right, then.
00:38:05Punch driver.
00:38:06Punch...
00:38:07It doesn't work.
00:38:08He won't respond to you.
00:38:09Only me.
00:38:10That's the genius.
00:38:11And gets better.
00:38:12Get out, OK?
00:38:13He locks the doors.
00:38:14And then he opens them when I get back so I don't have to have any keys with me,
00:38:17spoil the line of my jean trouser.
00:38:19Let me just recap this, OK?
00:38:22So, in Whitby, you turned a Romanian man into a self-driving car.
00:38:25Yes, I did.
00:38:26You turned me into a parking sensor.
00:38:28Mm-hm.
00:38:29And now you've turned a Bulgarian man into a voice control system.
00:38:31Yes.
00:38:32Mm-hm.
00:38:33Yeah, there is actually...
00:38:34There's a theme establishing itself here with your inventions.
00:38:36And it is that you're a moron.
00:38:39Uh-huh.
00:38:41OK, watch this.
00:38:42You know in a modern BMW 7 Series you can have back seats that massage you as you drive along?
00:38:47Yes.
00:38:48Yes.
00:38:51What I've done in here, it's just genius.
00:38:53I have scooped out the middle of that back seat, OK?
00:38:57And then you can fit it with a Duan Phen.
00:38:59What's a Duan Phen?
00:39:00Well, she's here.
00:39:01She's from Thailand.
00:39:02I don't know why people are laughing at this.
00:39:07She now blends perfectly with the seat, OK?
00:39:11She is the seat.
00:39:12So I step in, like so.
00:39:16Yeah?
00:39:17And then I get a massage as I drive along.
00:39:21Ooh.
00:39:22James!
00:39:23What?
00:39:24James is sitting on a Thai woman now.
00:39:26Oh, no.
00:39:27Come back over here.
00:39:28We'll move it on.
00:39:29We'll go back to the Maserati film.
00:39:30Now, so far we have established that I've broken my arm, but that the cars are working really rather well.
00:39:37Yes.
00:39:38And we rejoin the action after a night in a town called Deauville where Jeremy had, for reasons known only to himself, decided to reenact the famous VW golf advert from the 80s.
00:39:49This is the man who put a million on black, and it came up red.
00:40:00This is the man who married a sex kitten, just as she turned into a cat.
00:40:09This is the man who moved into gold, just as the clever money moved out.
00:40:18This is the man who drives a Maserati.
00:40:33Stop, you vicious bastard!
00:40:37Of course, being a Maserati, it did eventually begin.
00:40:40So, we then fitted James' wheel with a new knob and decided to go and play on the beach.
00:40:49You really would have trouble doing this on a beach in the south of France, because the whole thing would be covered in people turning their plastic surgery brand.
00:41:08Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
00:41:38After that, we enjoyed a picturesque walk and a philosophical debate.
00:41:44Is there anything on Earth which is worse than having another man put sun cream on your back?
00:41:50I've never experienced that.
00:41:52And then we played some sport.
00:41:54Built a shootout in Maseratis on a beach in northern France.
00:42:08With our ball gone, we continued on our tour of Normandy.
00:42:14With our badly built colleague moaning constantly.
00:42:18Hey!
00:42:20Has he been swapped for an old lady?
00:42:23He's always been an old lady. He was born an old lady.
00:42:27Congratulations, Mrs May, it's an old lady.
00:42:33As darkness fell, we reached the ancient town of Enfleur,
00:42:37where we decided to spend the night.
00:42:39Unfortunately, to reach our hotel, we had to navigate through a maze of tiny, medieval streets.
00:42:50Manon, sorry.
00:42:52This is narrow. Isn't it narrow?
00:42:58No.
00:42:59How did people manage in this town in the olden days when nobody had power steering?
00:43:09Oh, no.
00:43:11And I do that, how?
00:43:19Oh, my God.
00:43:21I'm totally stuck.
00:43:28Ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:43:29Cobbles.
00:43:35God almighty.
00:43:39Gee, I'm not sure that's possible.
00:43:40Oh, for Christ. Is that...?
00:43:42You're in the way.
00:43:43Isn't this a one-way street my way?
00:43:44It's a one-way street, yes.
00:43:45That's why me and the other cars are all coming this way.
00:44:01Please don't make me back up with this steering.
00:44:03Sorry. Come on, it's a workout.
00:44:05Come on, it's a workout.
00:44:06Shhh.
00:44:07Hammond, I am gonna kill you.
00:44:10Mom, mom, s'il vous plait.
00:44:12Um, mon ami.
00:44:14Um, il a conduit son voiture, comme la gorilla.
00:44:24Vous devrez le jambon.
00:44:28Prenez la rue à gauche, et nous sommes les champignons.
00:44:32Un pignon.
00:44:35With Jeremy out of the way, I could move on.
00:44:39But then...
00:44:41Hammond, is that you with yellow lights coming up here?
00:44:44Oh, my God.
00:44:46Well, that's a bit of bad luck.
00:44:47You're gonna have to reverse back up there, aren't you?
00:44:49Well, I can't back up because it's preposterously narrow
00:44:51and I can't swivel my head round to look behind me.
00:44:54So, now what?
00:44:56Well, I'm going the right way down the one-way street,
00:44:58so I have right of way.
00:45:00Right, sorry, Hammond, you'll have to direct me a bit.
00:45:05Right a bit.
00:45:06My right or your right?
00:45:08Well, my right, which is your left, but you're steering in reverse.
00:45:12Hey, hold it there and I'll go there, left.
00:45:14Your left or my left?
00:45:16Your right, my left as I'm looking
00:45:17and your right as you're looking, i.e. your right.
00:45:19I had found the hotel, but clearly my colleagues were going to be a while.
00:45:27My left, do you mean my left if I'm facing the way I'm going
00:45:29or facing the way I'm facing?
00:45:32Good point.
00:45:33Your left is still my right, but you're going backwards.
00:45:38Just drive backwards.
00:45:39Just drive backwards.
00:45:41I'm going to the hotel now, but I'll leave this on
00:45:43so you can stay in tune with what they're doing.
00:45:46Hopefully that I've come the wrong way down a one-way street, I know.
00:45:50Be making your situation better or worse.
00:45:53Better, worse.
00:45:55Better, worse.
00:45:57When Richard and James did finally join me, we reflected over dinner
00:46:02about our time in the north of France.
00:46:05It's been just a tremendous journey.
00:46:08We've had three Maseratis out here for three days.
00:46:10We've only had one minor fire.
00:46:13Can I just say, and I'm being absolutely honest here,
00:46:16I love my Maserati. I've totally fallen for it.
00:46:19Yes.
00:46:20I mean, I really like mine.
00:46:22No car makes a better noise.
00:46:23No two-litre car makes a better noise than that.
00:46:25I love it more now than when I started.
00:46:27I definitely want to keep mine.
00:46:28I want to know what it's like to drive with two arms.
00:46:32Because we all loved our cars so much,
00:46:34I decided we should end our road trip with a spicy climax.
00:46:39Why don't we race back to England, okay?
00:46:42First thing in the morning,
00:46:44last one back there has to sell their car.
00:46:48Ooh, that's cruel.
00:46:49That's harsh.
00:46:51It's not entirely fair on me, is it?
00:46:55Ooh, hello, why not?
00:46:56You chose to come equipped with one arm.
00:46:59It's your issue, not ours.
00:47:01So we set off from here all at the same time.
00:47:04Any route you like,
00:47:06last one,
00:47:08back on English soil,
00:47:10has to sell their car.
00:47:12I'm up for it. I'll risk it.
00:47:13Because I think that'll make the trip home exciting.
00:47:15I'll do it.
00:47:16Last one home.
00:47:25As dawn broke,
00:47:26we lined up outside the hotel,
00:47:28ready for the off.
00:47:30Gentlemen, it's ten to four in the morning.
00:47:32Let's do this.
00:47:33In three, two, one.
00:47:35Come on, begin!
00:47:45Last!
00:47:48Come on!
00:47:53No, no!
00:47:55At all costs, I am winning this.
00:47:58Ah!
00:48:02This is typical.
00:48:04Typical of Italian cars.
00:48:06They wait until you really need them,
00:48:08and then they go wrong.
00:48:11Oh, darling, darling, I'm in labour quickly.
00:48:13Yes, I'm on my way in my Maserati.
00:48:19Um, right.
00:48:21Up here.
00:48:23Some of this is familiar,
00:48:24which is bad.
00:48:27Oh, no, not lost now.
00:48:30Once again,
00:48:31I'd managed to coax my car into some kind of life,
00:48:34and I was on my way.
00:48:36So, straight out of town.
00:48:41Sounding healthy.
00:48:44With a top speed of about 12,
00:48:47I was headed for the ferry port of Le Havre.
00:48:49The trouble is that, logically,
00:48:51the others would be doing the same thing.
00:48:56Car.
00:48:58Clear your throat.
00:48:59Please.
00:49:02I'm out.
00:49:04Right.
00:49:05England, here I come.
00:49:09Clear your throat, car.
00:49:11Clear it.
00:49:12Or we shall be last.
00:49:14And then I shall have to sell you,
00:49:15and I won't sell you to someone nice.
00:49:19You know that man who has sex with his cars,
00:49:21and then puts pictures of it on the internet?
00:49:23Well, I'm going to sell you to him.
00:49:25Unless you get going.
00:49:27Now, come on!
00:49:29Hang on a minute.
00:49:31No!
00:49:32No, no, no, no!
00:49:38Big road.
00:49:39Yes.
00:49:41James, meanwhile, was dawdling along at the back,
00:49:46yet he seemed strangely unconcerned about this.
00:49:50Now, on the face of it, viewers,
00:49:51this isn't much of a race,
00:49:53because I've got the slowest car,
00:49:54we already know that.
00:49:56I only have the use of one arm,
00:49:58and I'm steering with a squeaky frog bolted to the wheel.
00:50:02However,
00:50:04it's not that simple.
00:50:07In fact,
00:50:08I believe I will be first,
00:50:11because he who is last shall be first,
00:50:14as we know.
00:50:18Coming up now to the motorway.
00:50:25Come on, car!
00:50:26Please!
00:50:31It's made it up the slip road.
00:50:33Have you ever known a car with more spirit
00:50:36than this magnificent Maserati?
00:50:39However,
00:50:40the gradient on the slip road was nothing
00:50:42compared to what lay ahead.
00:50:50Come on, giddy-o.
00:50:55Port, where is it?
00:50:57If I get there first,
00:50:59OK, I've got to wait for the ferry.
00:51:00They could catch up,
00:51:01but I'll be ahead of them in the queue.
00:51:02Whoever gets on the boat first,
00:51:04gets off the boat first,
00:51:05and you can't change that.
00:51:07First on the boat,
00:51:08it's first off the boat.
00:51:09They win.
00:51:20Right, it's calm, Jeremy.
00:51:21Calm. You're on a motorway.
00:51:23On an enormous bridge,
00:51:25surrounded by many heavy lorries.
00:51:27Yes.
00:51:32Oh, no.
00:51:33I can hear the exhaust spluttering.
00:51:36Oh, smoke.
00:51:37Lot of smoke now.
00:51:41Please!
00:51:43Please work!
00:51:46Mercifully, I reached the top of the bridge.
00:51:50But then...
00:51:55It's dead.
00:51:57Shit, I've lost braking.
00:51:58I have lost braking.
00:51:59Oh, bloody hell.
00:52:01And brake not working either.
00:52:03I've lost all brakes.
00:52:05There was only one thing for it.
00:52:07I have no brakes.
00:52:13You've just hit our car.
00:52:15I know, but I haven't got any brakes.
00:52:17They're not pleased about being used as a brake.
00:52:20This is totally legal, by the way,
00:52:22on a French motorway.
00:52:24Right, so, I've no brakes and no engine.
00:52:26Think, Jeremy, think.
00:52:37Port.
00:52:38Yes.
00:52:39Hello.
00:52:41Unaware of Jeremy's problems,
00:52:42I was keeping the hammer down.
00:52:47Holiday makers.
00:52:49I hate holiday makers.
00:52:51Trucks.
00:52:56I'm going to get caught up with all the trucks.
00:52:59Meanwhile, back in the land of Captain Cryptic...
00:53:08Do you know, I'm so relaxed about this,
00:53:10I think in a short while I might stop for a pleasant coffee
00:53:13and a read of the newspaper.
00:53:18I've not got time for you, mate. I'm sorry.
00:53:21Carp! Carp!
00:53:25Oh, God.
00:53:27Another roundabout.
00:53:28I'm in the middle of a bloody town.
00:53:32I need to find my own route.
00:53:34There must be sneaky ways through.
00:53:43This could be good, this could be good.
00:53:51Oh, God.
00:53:52Oh, God.
00:53:58Dead end.
00:53:59Not that way.
00:54:00Bloody hell.
00:54:01My shortcut wasn't going well.
00:54:24Where are they? And more importantly, where am I?
00:54:31This was a mistake. This is making things worse.
00:54:35It's just costing time.
00:54:38And as it turned out, time was something I didn't have.
00:54:42I am now down to one turbocharger, but I'm back in the race.
00:54:50Yes, I'm at the wheel of a Renault DCI 120 tow truck.
00:54:56And what's more, I've decided to head for the port as the crow flies.
00:55:01Oh, yes.
00:55:10Oh, God, no.
00:55:15This looks good.
00:55:19Yes, very terminal.
00:55:20This is all correct.
00:55:27That is Jeremy.
00:55:28Who's Hammond?
00:55:29What is he doing?
00:55:31Kill him!
00:55:32Kill him!
00:55:35I have to win. I have to win.
00:55:39Roundabout. Oh, bloody hell. Really?
00:55:41The problem was that the port of La Hara is so vast and so complex, it was very easy to get lost.
00:55:53This was still anyone's race.
00:56:01Where is Hammond? Where is May? Where is the boat?
00:56:04Come on, come on, come on.
00:56:19This is wrong. This is wrong.
00:56:21It's got to be down here.
00:56:31Yes.
00:56:31Did I have some carpet stuck under the throttle?
00:56:39Because my DCI 120 is going like a bastard.
00:56:42Yes.
00:56:50This looks good.
00:56:51This is the place.
00:56:57Good van.
00:56:58Good van.
00:56:59The boat is there.
00:57:01There is Richard Hammond.
00:57:02Is James May here?
00:57:04No, he is not.
00:57:06He is not.
00:57:08Yeah!
00:57:12Ha-ha!
00:57:13No May?
00:57:19No.
00:57:20And there wouldn't be, because I was in another part of the port with my own travel plans.
00:57:25Last night, after the other two had gone to bed, I arranged for our company yacht to be waiting for me in the harbour.
00:57:33And there it is.
00:57:37I simply drive up, hop aboard, and then we'll be on our way.
00:57:45Oh!
00:57:55Oh!
00:57:55All right.
00:57:57I'm sorry, mate.
00:57:58I'm sorry.
00:58:00He lived annoyingly.
00:58:01Hang on.
00:58:02Hold on, hold on.
00:58:03Hang on.
00:58:04Hold on.
00:58:05He lived annoyingly.
00:58:06Hang on.
00:58:07Hang on.
00:58:08Hold on.
00:58:09Hang on.
00:58:10Hold on.
00:58:11Hold on.
00:58:12I'm sorry.
00:58:13I'm sorry.
00:58:14Hold on.
00:58:15Hold on.
00:58:15Hold on having what I need to ask you about this. Why did you stick days a BA on my car?
00:58:22Cause you were disabled
00:58:24Days a BA means undressed you more
00:58:29Let's not get bogged down with who can't speak French
00:58:33Let's get to the point which is James May you lost and you broke the company yacht
00:58:40You do well and no hang on a minute. My car got closer to England than yours did
00:58:44Yes, but the other thing it got closest to was the bottom of the sea
00:58:48Yes, look anyway
00:58:49All of that is irrelevant because my car was the best because it didn't go wrong at all
00:58:53No, no mine was perfectly reliable happened. Mm-hmm. Mine was as reliable as James's arms
00:58:59And the extraordinary thing is no one can work out what was wrong with it. Well, it fell off the back of a lorry
00:59:05No one can work out what fault it had that caused it to be on the lorry in the first place
00:59:11And even now what we nine months down the line two trained
00:59:14Maserati mechanics are totally stumped. It is an unfathomable fault
00:59:19Yeah
00:59:19Yeah, so what we can conclude from our exhaustive testing in the north of France is that if you buy a used Maserati
00:59:26You have a sixty-six percent chance of it working
00:59:31They're not bad odds. Well, you wouldn't say that if you're having an eye operation, would you?
00:59:36Exactly and on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. Thank you so much for watching. Good night
00:59:41Good night
01:00:11Good night
01:00:41Good night
01:01:11Good night