Therapy Thursday: She's Tired Of Being Body Shamed, But She Doesn't Like Her New Man's Body?
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00:00Hi everybody! Hi Dr. Nick! Alright, it is Therapy Thursday. This is where we get to talk it out with you. 888-429-0941. Any question you have, we got you. Dr. Dobby is here. Meredith MD is here. Orlando BGYN is in the building. So, you can get any kind of therapy you need. A 60 second session, which is a lot. And we can get that for you right now.
00:25I got a perfect one for Dobby that just flew in. Dr. Dobby is in the building. Buckle up, Dobby! Buckle up, man! I'm a single mom. I'm financially stable and independent. I have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex and overall life is good. My issue is that my boyfriend of 18 months has been sending me strange mixed signals about proposing and I'm not sure how to address it. He has a great partner. We moved in together a couple months ago and he's wonderful with my kids.
00:52He sometimes makes comments about getting engaged and married but also makes comments about how it doesn't need to be soon or ever and jokes about it not being the year for proposing.
01:02I find this extremely confusing and I'm not sure how to address it with him without feeling like I'm putting pressure on him.
01:07I would bring it up to him. I wouldn't come out of the blue with it but the next time he makes a remark, I would bring it up to him and just say it like, hey, you have told me a lot of different ideas and a lot of different timelines from soon to never.
01:26Like, that's very wide range. Can we narrow it down a little bit and can I get a little bit more clarity on what it is that you want, what it is that you see us doing?
01:37Do you see us getting married soon like you've told me? Is this something that you never want to pursue? Is this something you might want to pursue in a few years?
01:45Let's just get on the same page so our expectations can kind of match a little bit.
01:51So I wouldn't bring it up out of nowhere but if he frequently is throwing this stuff out, call him out on it next time.
01:58I felt like you'd be a good person to ask about that.
02:00Alright, well let's see here. This says, hey freaks. So either one of you could jump on this one out of the 863.
02:06It says, hey freaks, I'm currently in the middle of... Wait, no. That was the same one.
02:11Yeah. Alright, wait. This one was... Okay. I'm only... So I'm only 21. Wait, is that a continuance? Alright, yeah.
02:21So I'm only 21 and I'm talking to a girl who has an 8 month old and don't know how my parents feel.
02:29I really enjoy being with the girl but I'm kind of scared or nervous to tell my parents about it. How should I approach it?
02:36Okay, this isn't the one that started within the middle of the divorce. This is a different one.
02:39This is somebody else. Okay, turn on. I'm 21 years old and I'm talking to a girl who has an 8 month old.
02:44I can understand from the parents' perspective them thinking you're way too young to be dealing with such a big life change, especially since it's not your child.
02:52It's not impossible.
02:52But if you feel like you are man enough to step up and you really like this girl and it doesn't bother you that she has an 8 month old
02:59and the baby is, you know, sleeping through the night and you guys can have a good relationship,
03:03then I feel like you need to be man enough to also tell your family.
03:06So if that's the decision, if you want to be with her and you're okay with everything else,
03:11your parents may not vibe with you about your decisions, but they will respect you at the end of the day.
03:15There's not a lot of guys out there that would deal with that.
03:18And if you make the decision first and foremost that you want to do that
03:22and this is somebody you are interested in and serious about,
03:26then I would definitely tell your family after a little while.
03:28My question is why I got to tell my parents. I'm 21.
03:32Why I got to tell my parents?
03:33Well, you tell your parents when you're dating somebody, right?
03:35Well, I mean, but it sounded like it's approval.
03:37Like, I mean, I know that they're going to say, okay, you're too young and all of the obvious things.
03:41But I hooked up with some chick four weeks ago.
03:45Like, you know, if I'm this 21 year old, I didn't tell my parents about that one.
03:49Well, if it's a serious relationship, that's what you tell.
03:51I'm talking to a girl who has an 8 month old.
03:53They didn't say I'm marrying her or I'm talking to her.
03:57He's scared to tell his parents because he knows that this isn't a great idea.
04:01And his parents are going to tell him in no uncertain terms that, hey, this is a great idea.
04:07Because with an 8 month old, it's not just you and this girl.
04:11If you guys have a prolonged relationship, you're essentially playing stepdad now.
04:16So your parents are going to put all...
04:18They've been here before.
04:19They've seen this happen.
04:20You're 21.
04:21You might not know all of the ramifications of this.
04:25What you might think is a small decision could turn into be a life changer.
04:28And listen to your parents.
04:30I mean, they're older, they're wiser, and they've been there, done that before.
04:33They may have a word of advice for you.
04:34You may want to actually listen to them instead of pushing them away.
04:37I got one for you, Big O.
04:38Oh, whatever.
04:39Out to 727.
04:40It says, Dr. O, my wife won't get on birth control, so we live a life of constant condom orders.
04:47After six years of marriage and two kids that were absolutely planned for, I am tired of latex.
04:54How can you be married and loving like strangers?
04:57What am I supposed to do?
04:58You love it like a hookup.
05:01I will say if...
05:03Okay, first of all, sex doesn't define your marriage.
05:06Love is your marriage.
05:07That is it.
05:08Now, so you are having sex when you naturally have it, you have a baby.
05:15So she's trying not to have kids.
05:17You can't just get on the birth control because there are some health problems that go along with that.
05:22A lot of people try and stay pure from that.
05:24Like they don't want the intrusions of hormones and different kind of things that happen to the body.
05:30So if you're protecting your loved one, the safest thing is for them not to do that.
05:35With that being said, maybe there's opportunities coming with that whole cream thing or pill action that you could take.
05:44How about a little snip snip?
05:45If he's done having kids, how come he's not the one that can go ahead and get that taken care of?
05:49And that's the other suggestion that I was going to say, but I'd rather do the pill or the cream if you have the choice.
05:57But if you do want to get a snip, because the other part is you're not guaranteed to still not procreate because afterwards you got to clean out all that's in there.
06:07And you got to make sure there's no one that keeps coming back.
06:09You got to keep going to the doctor to get checked to make sure your sperm count is low so that, you know, it's a serious thing.
06:15If if the safest way is with latex, that's on.
06:19Just look at it as the way that that's only one percent of what you do sexually or romantically with your loved one.
06:26So that's only like it is.
06:29There's a percentage.
06:30There's also a percentage.
06:31I mean, the condom part.
06:32The condom part is just one percent like you can hold her, touch her, smack it up, flip it.
06:37You can do all the things.
06:39You just have that one small thing that is is is important.
06:43You can still get pregnant on birth control, by the way.
06:45Just want to throw that out.
06:46Like there's point zero one percent.
06:49Yeah.
06:49I mean, there's all these different options.
06:51If you don't have it out there that has like, you know, a latex name.
06:55Yes.
06:56That is what Trojan.
06:57You know, they named him Trojan.
06:59That was it.
07:00So we also got a phone call here from Ashley.
07:02Ashley, how are you doing this morning?
07:05I'm good.
07:05How are you?
07:06Pretty good.
07:07What's your question?
07:08My question is I have a three year old son and my man and I have been together for 10
07:16years with a three year break in between.
07:19But he he's a great man and I love him very much.
07:23But he has this addiction with video games that he plays these video games from five thirty six o'clock till midnight or whenever he goes to bed.
07:35And it's to the point where my son doesn't even want to ask him to play with him anymore because he knows that daddy's just going to be like, OK, go in the other room or I'm doing I'm playing my video games or whatever.
07:50And it's it's it's hurting me to see my child want to spend time with his father and his father just doesn't seem to, you know, want to give him the attention that he needs.
08:01So how can I make it to where he sees this?
08:06I think, OK, well, first of all, that that's terrible because I know a lot of people who live in that video game game and world where they get kind of addicted to it.
08:15But if you have a kid that is in that space where they're not getting kind of love that that's harmful because he's addicted and you got to treat it like an addiction.
08:25He's not seeing it. And so you said it correctly.
08:28Like, how do I get him to see it?
08:29What I would do is I would you know, it's like you think of those commercials where they like show the sad kid.
08:37It doesn't have anybody to play with and whatever.
08:39Right. So if you take your phone every time that your son is sitting there by himself, playing by himself next to his dad playing video games and locked in,
08:49take take take that and videotape it and just use that time stamp.
08:53And then the next maybe four hours later, take a picture and show them and then get a succession of them and show him a time lapse of it and say,
09:03Hey, listen, from this point to this point, your son was there yearning for your attention and you basically gave it to this game.
09:11There has to be some kind of middle ground in there.
09:14Don't come hard with him like you got the answer.
09:17Just present that to him and say, I know you love him.
09:20So that is this can't be acceptable to you.
09:23You know what I'm saying?
09:24So but I just wanted to show you because now that you see it, because maybe you don't see it when you locked in.
09:30You think it's a short amount of time, but look at what is going on here.
09:34Our child is left alone and he's at that age where he needs you because he can go out at six or seven.
09:40He'll be playing with his friends.
09:42So you're missing time now and show him that time that he's missing.
09:46Some people got to be, you know, kind of shocked into it.
09:49And I think if he loves his child like he's supposed to, he would he would kind of acquiesce after that.
09:55That's that's that's the best way because showing him was probably going to be the best way in doing it.
09:59Also, there's a compromise.
10:00I mean, the kid is three and goes to bed early.
10:02Can we wait until after the baby goes to bed?
10:04Yeah, I mean, but then after the baby go to bed, he start playing and mama going to have to videotape herself in there by herself.
10:10Sad.
10:11I'm sad.
10:12I ain't got nobody to play with in this room.
10:15So, yeah, just I think put that together and let him come to the realization itself.
10:20Then you're not pressuring him and he's not going to resent you for it and get any flack.
10:23OK, OK, thank you.
10:26No problem.
10:27All right.
10:27What else we got?
10:29863.
10:29It says, hey, freaks, I'm currently in the middle of a divorce.
10:32My husband treated me terribly.
10:34And all I've ever known is someone body shaming me and mentally putting me down.
10:38Well, I have now met someone who thinks the world of me.
10:41He is constantly complimenting me overall, but I don't mean to sound shallow.
10:47He is not my type physically.
10:49He's everything personality wise that my heart needs.
10:52But I can't get past that.
10:54How do I change how I feel?
10:56Well, you already answered it.
10:59She said she can't get past it.
11:01If she didn't say that, then you can you can eventually like if you I've heard this before.
11:07You what?
11:08I'm serious.
11:09If you don't have to be physically attracted to somebody right off the bat, you can truly fall in love with who they are, their character and their personality.
11:17And then you find that so attractive.
11:19You love them for who they are.
11:21And then you see them through that.
11:22I don't like the fact that she was like, yo, don't be body shaming me.
11:26I am who I am.
11:27And who he ugly?
11:28Like what?
11:29How dare you?
11:30She's being honest.
11:31How dare you?
11:32Wait a minute.
11:32Somebody told you you look like a box of knuckles.
11:35And now you.
11:36We're therapists.
11:37We're not supposed to judge her.
11:38I'm not judging her.
11:39OK, here's here's my here's my input.
11:42I'm not judging her.
11:43Here's my input.
11:43So you are at a point that you just got divorced.
11:47So you were in a long term relationship.
11:49What you don't need right now is another long term relationship, especially with somebody that you're not totally into.
11:55Now, what I would say is selfish and rude and terrible as this sounds.
12:00This guy is a rebound.
12:01Use him for a rebound.
12:03Put yourself back up on that pedestal.
12:05And so you can have the confidence and the swag and get yourself together so you could find that long term solution.
12:11This is a short term.
12:12This is a temporary job right here.
12:14Let him do what he is giving you great gems for a bandaid.
12:18Yes.
12:18It's a bandaid on your problem.
12:20You did admit, though, in what you wrote us that you can't move past it.
12:24You already answered your question.
12:27You already did.
12:28So, yeah, have a little fun.
12:29But you need to pray about that.
12:31Why do you feel some type of way about that?
12:33I do because, listen, you didn't like somebody just looking at you by the book about the outer shell.
12:39I get that.
12:39And judging you and whatever, body shaming you.
12:44You didn't like that.
12:44But you also.
12:45So then you're going to be up here talking about somebody else like he is.
12:48You also don't.
12:48Nah, I'm tired.
12:49You don't want somebody pretending that they like you.
12:52You don't want to be used.
12:53I'm a big believer in people are put in your life for a reason.
12:56And maybe his reason is to bring you back up from this divorce that has drug you down through the dirt.
13:03You have been through it, girl.
13:04Let this build you back up and then go find somebody that's not so fucked up.
13:10But he's a good man.
13:11Which is hard to find.
13:13That's more in his league.
13:15It sounds like this lady's out of his league a little bit.
13:17At least in her mind.
13:18At least in her mind.
13:19And that's the messed up part.
13:21But she can't get past it.
13:22This man is a good man.
13:22You're like, he is the best.
13:24He got the best personality ever.
13:24Have you been hurt before, O?
13:26Yeah.
13:27Because sometimes that good man that's got lumpy parts is good.
13:32Sometimes that man that got a little lump lump got love under that lump lump.
13:36Yeah, but you don't want somebody to pretend that there's a relationship when there's not.
13:40Nah, we ain't got to pretend.
13:41Just we ain't got to define nothing.
13:42He ain't going to get finer.
13:45He's downhill from here, baby.
13:47Y'all are horrible.
13:49I refuse.
13:50I think our partnership is over.
13:52Our medical practice is closed.
13:54All right.
13:55888-429-0941.
13:57We can squeeze one more in.
13:59What do we got?
13:59I have one here.
14:00A close family member is a hardcore vegan, which is cool.
14:04It's their choice.
14:05I respect that.
14:06They like to send me vegan videos, the kind that are made for non-vegans so that they can
14:11convert over to veganism.
14:12Oh, showing them the cows and stuff.
14:14I have already told them that this type of thing is not for me.
14:17Various reasons.
14:18How do I respond to these messages?
14:21It is a family member.
14:22It bothers me.
14:23I can't get these images out of my face, but I still want to be a meat eater.
14:26This is a very close family member.
14:28I have some advice just off the top of my head.
14:30So there is a diet which a lot of people swear by.
14:34Some people say it's great.
14:34Some people say it's horrible, but it exists nonetheless.
14:38It's called the carnivore diet.
14:39Oh, God.
14:39It is a full meat diet.
14:41So the next time they send you that vegan propaganda, send them some meat eating.
14:46Send them back that meat porn.
14:49Yeah.
14:50You want to see something?
14:51I'm going to show you this steak.
14:53Nah, nah.
14:54This is bad advice.
14:55Send that back to them.
14:56It's bad advice.
14:56Send that back to them.
14:57You're going to force me to watch yours.
14:59I'm going to force you to watch mine.
15:00Keep that same energy.
15:02Just delete it.
15:02This is like somebody that's super religious and your family will not stop sending you
15:06the messages.
15:06I don't feel like you're going to change this person.
15:08Yeah, got to.
15:10But what you're doing is you're putting them in the position that they're putting you in.
15:13Yeah.
15:13And when they say, why do you keep sending me that?
15:14Well, why do you keep sending me that?
15:16There you go.
15:18There you go.
15:18You got no answer.
15:20Carnivore.
15:21There you go.
15:22That Therapy Thursday is a wrap.