Murphy Brown Season 5 Episode 18 The World According To Avery
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00:00I want you to love with you
00:07Oh, oh I'll find out how could it be
00:16It yields to them
00:23You're welcome
00:25My mom
00:29Morning
00:29Gee, how long what took you so long? I was supposed to be out of here ten minutes ago.
00:33Oh, I see. You stopped off at Bethesda General to perform an appendectomy.
00:38The pain is vast as just a precaution. I seem to have awakened with a slight case of congestion.
00:44I didn't want to put Avery's vulnerable young membranes at risk.
00:49However, if you wouldn't mind moving them away from me a little bit, I believe this fabric is cutting off my oxygen supply.
00:57Well, if you were sick, why didn't you just take the day off?
01:01Excuse me. A Bernicke does not just take the day off.
01:06I made a pledge to look after young Avery, and I intend to carry out that obligation.
01:12I'm here. I'm ready. I'm just slightly over-medicated.
01:18Great. What exactly does that mean?
01:21Well, you see, normally I would have gone with the traditional Bernicke home cold remedy,
01:26but unfortunately, it's impossible to find the bark of a juniper tree and two virgins in this town.
01:33So I stopped at the drugstore and got a bottle of that green stuff that's not supposed to make your drawers.
01:40How much did it take?
01:42I told you, a bottle. I also got some vapor rub, which by the way, if you ever have the chance to use it,
01:49do not make the mistake of taking it internally.
01:55You ate it?
01:56Ellen, you're supposed to rub it on your chest.
01:59Believe me, that became painfully evident after the first spoonful.
02:04Ooh.
02:06Ooh.
02:07Nice.
02:08Wonderful.
02:09The man who's supposed to be taking care of my son is now reliving a Grateful Dead concert.
02:21People, can we have some quiet? We're in the middle of a run-through here.
02:25Miles, I'm sorry I'm late, but Ellen's sick, so I've got Avery for the day.
02:29Oh!
02:30Look who it is!
02:33Hey, what is it about a baby that makes grown people act like such idiots?
02:38Do you have any idea what you must look like to him?
02:41No, and to be perfectly honest, we don't care.
02:44All right, people, fun is fun, but we've got work to do.
02:47Oh.
02:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:49Murphy, we're not ready for you yet, so why don't you and Avery just relax?
02:52You're not getting your gums on this little beauty.
02:56Don't worry, Avery.
02:58Sooner or later, he'll drop his guard, and then it's lunchtime at the Brooks Brothers Cafe.
03:02Come on.
03:03Mommy's gonna show you where she made Casper Weinberger cry.
03:08Okay.
03:09So, after Frank's segment, we move on to Corkster's piece on...
03:15Well, you know.
03:16Uh, and then we're gonna...
03:17It's all right to say it, Miles.
03:19Divorce in the 90s.
03:21Will and I are just separated.
03:23It doesn't mean our marriage is over.
03:25You can separate an egg, and it's still an egg.
03:28True, the shell may be cracked, but as long as the yolk and the white haven't been scrambled,
03:32there's still a possibility everything will turn out sunny-side up.
03:36Hey, you know what?
03:37I never really looked at it that way before, but I see your point.
03:40Be prepared to cut the commercial if she goes wacko.
03:43Okay, that's everything at the anchor desk.
03:46Now let's talk about Murphy's interview with Senator Matheson.
03:49Okay, Miles.
03:50Here's the plan.
03:51Now, first, I'm gonna lob him a few softballs just to get him relaxed, and then I'm gonna hit him with the hard stuff.
03:59Be ready to come in for a tight close-up when I do, bearing in mind that the Senator's going to be a little taller.
04:04Senator, thank you for joining us.
04:08How have you been?
04:09Good.
04:10That's very good.
04:11Senator, how is Congress getting along with the new president, huh?
04:14Ooh, very interesting.
04:17Uh, Senator, would you mind explaining this photo of you accepting a briefcase full of cash from mob boss Joey Gamble?
04:25Hmm?
04:26I'm talking up.
04:27Or this photo of you playing scrub-a-dub with an unknown companion, Avery.
04:36I'm telling you, Miles, when I finish with Matheson, he's going to have less to say than Avery and be twice as wet.
04:43A U.S. Senator in bed with the mob? This is big. This is 35 share big.
04:50Great work, Murphy. And to show you how pleased I am, here you go, Avery.
04:55Ciao down.
04:57Now, for the rest of you, after the broadcast, I'm buying at Phil tonight.
05:02Oh, no.
05:03Oh, thank you. It's the first time in months he's buying. I'm not gonna be here.
05:06Why not?
05:07It's my father's 70th birthday. Remember, I'm leaving on a plane to Florida right after the show.
05:11What?
05:12Oh, no. Oh, jeez.
05:15What? What's the matter?
05:16I'm not gonna tell her. You tell her.
05:18What?
05:20Tell me what? What?
05:22God, Avery, you are so cute.
05:24I'm not gonna hold a message.
05:26Well, there's nothing like the feeling of having a baby in your arms.
05:30Especially when you have to tell his mother that the senator she was gonna nail on national television just got arrested by federal marshals.
05:37What?
05:38He can't confess. Not yet. He's mine.
05:41Uh, don't forget, Murphy, I'm holding the baby.
05:44Hi, Ollie.
05:46I've been working for months on this story, checking out leads, cultivating sources.
05:50I even had dinner with a guy named Joey.
05:52Raise your face, for God's sakes.
05:54You're gonna make me chug?
05:55Get your run.
05:57So we lost our live interview.
05:59We'll just have to rerun one of your old pieces and hope the sponsors don't scream too loudly.
06:03No way. I'm not gonna be the only one without an original story tonight. I'll get another interview.
06:07Where? We go on the air in a few hours.
06:09Miles, this is Washington. A city full of politicians so desperate to be on television they fight each other to stand in front of the camcorder at Sears.
06:17Come here, Avery.
06:19Frank, I've gotta go out for a while. Would you look after Avery?
06:22Sure, sure, no problem.
06:23Hey, Avery, you wanna spend some time with Uncle Frank?
06:25And, Frank, I don't want you using them to pick up girls at Phil's again.
06:29Mom, I still don't-
06:31Dad, please, I can pick a cab.
06:34No, it's not a problem.
06:37No!
06:38No, I don't want you to pick me up at the airport.
06:42Dad, the flight doesn't get in till after midnight.
06:45Uh.
06:46No, I don't want you to drive to the airport in your pajamas.
06:51Yeah, you said you wouldn't get out of the car last time, then I find you chasing Robert Goulet around the baggage carousel trying to get his autograph.
06:57Of course he wouldn't give it to you, Dad. He probably thought you were an outpatient.
07:03What? No, no, really, you don't have to put Mom on the phone. It's too hard to talk to you both at the same-
07:08Hi, Mom.
07:11No, I didn't say I didn't want to talk to you. I just-
07:14I'm not yelling at her, Dad.
07:17Look, let's not fight, okay?
07:19It's your birthday tomorrow. You know, I got you a great gift.
07:23Really? You bought yourself a present? Well, good for you. What'd you get?
07:29A new golf bag.
07:32How could you get yourself a new golf bag the day before your birthday?
07:36Did it ever occur to you that I just-
07:39I'm not yelling at her, Mom. I just-
07:43Dad, listen. I can't hear you when you both talk at the same time.
07:47Hey! Hey!
07:53Look, I'll just see you the ride, okay?
07:56Avery!
08:02Oh, boy, baby Avery.
08:06What are we going to do, pal?
08:09Well, let's see what we got here.
08:12A rattle of some kind?
08:14Boring.
08:18Rainbow trout.
08:20Hey.
08:22Hey, hey.
08:24Let's go fishing, pal.
08:27I can't get that rope off the tree.
08:29Ha-ha.
08:30So, tell me, partner.
08:32Mm?
08:33How are they biting over there?
08:35I'll have you know, I caught me a 15-pounder yesterday.
08:41Yep.
08:42Right over here by Lake's stupid golf bag.
08:46I always wanted to go fishing with my dad.
08:49But, yeah, with the restaurant and everything, you know,
08:51he never had the time.
08:52Besides, he said, after filet and fish all week,
08:55last thing he wanted to do on his day off was look for more.
08:59Yeah.
09:00Oh, it's true.
09:02Oh.
09:03Oh!
09:04Whoa!
09:05We got a big one.
09:06He's a fighter.
09:07Yes, he is a fighter.
09:08Get the net!
09:09Get the net!
09:10The net!
09:12Yes!
09:13Oh.
09:15Well, that was fun.
09:16Now, listen.
09:17I gotta get back to work, so why don't you just go by...
09:19Hey.
09:22Come on.
09:25Don't you think I wanna play?
09:27But, you know, I've got a job to do.
09:29Believe me, someday when you are older, you'll understand...
09:33Oh, man, does that sound familiar.
09:37But it's not the same thing.
09:40I'm under a lot more pressure than my dad was.
09:44I work all day, lots of nights.
09:46Yes.
09:48Okay, okay.
09:49So did he.
09:53Plus, he had seven kids.
09:57Wow.
10:05Go ahead, say it.
10:06I've been a selfish pick, but...
10:09Thanks a lot.
10:11Dad, listen, I was thinking.
10:13You know, maybe this weekend, you and I could get together...
10:17Frank.
10:20Anyway, what if sometime this weekend, we'd go down to the marina, we rent a boat, maybe do a little fishing?
10:29I just thought that since you sold the restaurant 20 years ago, maybe you were over it.
10:33Mom, did you get off the phone so I could talk to Dad?
10:37No, it's not a secret.
10:39I just... I'm not yelling at her, Dad.
10:42All right.
10:44Look, we'll talk about it when you pick me up at the airport, okay?
10:48And please, do me a favor, put a raincoat on over the pajamas.
10:51Oh, no.
10:56Frank, I've told you not to call your parents from the office.
11:01Now, I just heard from the network they're gonna need some extra time for the news break tonight,
11:05so you'll have to cut 20 seconds out of that sunken treasure piece.
11:09Okay, okay, but listen, Murphy's not back yet. Somebody's gotta watch Avery.
11:12Oh, no, no, no, no.
11:13No, absolutely not.
11:14I'm having lunch with Audrey, so it's out of the question.
11:16I just love babies.
11:20Well, that really isn't enough, is it?
11:22I mean, I'd want lots and lots, wouldn't you?
11:26Me?
11:28Um...
11:29Sure, sure.
11:30Uh, keeping in mind that lots is an indeterminate number
11:34and that my lifestyle is such that children would be a burden
11:37falling mostly on a woman in my life
11:39and would quickly grow weary and haggard under the strain.
11:41Too much pickle.
11:42Well, I think someone's just about ready for his bottle.
11:47Why don't you feed him the rest of these bananas and I'll go warm it up?
11:51Okie dokie.
11:58Something about this picture looks very right.
12:01What are you doing to me?
12:06Stop being so cute.
12:08Cry, whine, spit up on her.
12:10I'll give you 20 bucks for just one good...
12:13All over me.
12:17It's too early for Audrey and me to be talking about babies.
12:20See, we recently moved in together.
12:22And the next logical step is marriage.
12:25And then after that...
12:27You.
12:28Apparently, according to Audrey, lots of yous.
12:32Look, I'm just not ready for that kind of responsibility.
12:37Look at this. I can't even get you to eat.
12:39Here. Watch this.
12:42Mmm. Yum, yum. Good.
12:45Oh, you think that's pretty funny, don't you?
12:56Ok, watch this, watch this, watch this.
12:59Mmm, mmm.
13:00Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
13:09I know what you're trying to do.
13:11You're trying to make me think I'm good at this.
13:13You're trying to soften me up.
13:15Well, it's not going to work, no siree.
13:20Ok, maybe it's gonna work a little.
13:23I suppose I could do this if I had to.
13:26And you are pretty cute.
13:29Yes, you are.
13:38Oh, oh, oh, oh, look at this.
13:40I lost a button.
13:42Did you take my button, Avery?
13:45Did you take Uncle Miles?
13:48Open your mouth.
13:50No, don't swallow, don't swallow.
13:51Oh, my God.
13:53Here's your bottle, all nice and warm.
13:56Oh, did you lose a button?
13:58Pookie.
13:59You found it.
14:00Thank you, Lord.
14:02Are you all right?
14:03Audrey, we can't have babies now.
14:05Look, they're needy, they're helpless,
14:07and how do you clip their toenails without taking off the whole toe?
14:10No babies now.
14:11That's the end of discussion.
14:13Who said anything about having babies?
14:16My God, Miles, we just moved in together.
14:19Can't we just slow down and enjoy it?
14:21Oh, very nice.
14:22I walk into my office and find my son being exposed to page 12 of the Kama Sutra.
14:36Did you find an interview for tonight?
14:38No.
14:39I've been trying all day.
14:40I even went to the Senate office building and tried knocking on doors.
14:44It seems everyone's busy, out of town, or in rehab.
14:48All right, that's it.
14:49We're gonna have to go with a rerun.
14:50No, we don't.
14:51A rerun has something to do when you're desperate, and I'm a long ways from desperate.
14:54So, why don't you two take your wife's sex show to someone else's office and let me get some work done.
15:00We'll leave the blintzes.
15:04Okay.
15:06Here's the deal.
15:08Just between us, Mommy is a little desperate.
15:11So, we'll just have to pull out all the stops, won't we?
15:15Mm-hmm.
15:17Hi!
15:19It's Murphy Brown.
15:20I know.
15:21I know.
15:22I haven't talked for a long time.
15:23But, um, we've got an opening on FYI tonight, and I thought it might be fun if we just...
15:29Hello?
15:31Hello?
15:32Vice President Quayle?
15:36You talk about holding the door.
15:41You know, Dee Dee, you've been putting makeup on that same area for about a half an hour.
15:47Oh, God.
15:49You can see it, can't you?
15:50See what? I don't know what you're talking about.
15:53Corky, I need you to do me a fa...
15:55Jeez, what's that on your neck?
15:57Mount St. Helen?
15:59Great.
16:00I can't cover this with ordinary makeup.
16:03I'm gonna have to go get the stuff they use on the Gabors.
16:08Corky, I'm going out for a while, so I need you to look after Avery. Is that okay?
16:11Sure!
16:13There you go.
16:15Murphy, are you still looking for someone to interview tonight?
16:18You know, we go on the air in two hours.
16:21Corky, don't worry.
16:22George Rill is giving an anniversary party for the Kissingers tonight.
16:26With the crowd that's going to be there, a chimpanzee could land a great interview.
16:30Isn't that right?
16:31Gee, it must be wonderful to be invited to parties like that.
16:36Mingling with people who've made history and...
16:40Oh, Murphy.
16:42You weren't invited, were you?
16:44You're going to crash Henry Kissinger's anniversary party.
16:48Corky, will you relax?
16:49Well, my ex Henry will be thrilled to see me.
16:52Especially when he sees that picture I dug up of him, Jill St. John, and Bebe Rebozo playing Cancer the Orange.
16:57So, wish me luck.
16:59Goodbye, Avery.
17:04Hi, Avery.
17:06Oh, God.
17:08You're looking at it, too.
17:10That's awful, isn't it?
17:14Gosh.
17:15I haven't had one of these since...
17:18Well, since my wedding night.
17:20Guess it must be stress.
17:22Not that I'm under any stress.
17:24Oh, sure, I'm separated.
17:27But, so are eggs.
17:29And salad dressing.
17:32And half the royal family.
17:36So, what would you like to do?
17:39We could sing.
17:41Or...
17:42If I could tell you a little story.
17:46Would you like that?
17:48All right.
17:51Let's see.
17:54Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young princess.
17:59Who became a very successful journalist.
18:02And won the Humboldt Award three years ago, thank you very much.
18:05Anyway.
18:07She fell in love.
18:10And married.
18:12And some young prince.
18:15And she thought because her life had always been such a fairytale, they'd live happily ever after.
18:22But, they didn't.
18:24They didn't.
18:26They had problems.
18:28They grew apart.
18:31And finally, the prince moved to another kingdom.
18:35With his own castle.
18:38And a hot tub.
18:41And a view of the Hollywood sign.
18:42The princess wished upon a star.
18:45That a fairy godmother would come and help her.
18:53But instead, she was visited by an attorney.
18:57From Harrison O'Brien and Kipner.
18:59With divorce papers.
19:01With divorce papers.
19:06She never told anyone she got the divorce papers.
19:11Because she'd just know if she said it out loud, her whole world would end.
19:19Then one day...
19:21A magical bouncing elf tricked her into saying it out loud.
19:27And the princess was surprised.
19:33Her world didn't end.
19:39And then she realized...
19:42That even if her life wasn't going to be happily ever after...
19:48At least maybe it was going to be okay.
19:53And now for another story.
19:57Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young princess...
20:00Who grew a second head out of her neck.
20:02Dee Dee!
20:03Dee Dee!
20:04You know, Murphy's not back yet, so you have to watch Avery while I go to Wardrobe.
20:13another story. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young princess who grew a second
20:18head out of her neck. Dee Dee! Jim, Murphy's not back yet, so you have to watch Avery while
20:28I go to wardrobe. Gorky, please. This is my personal time. Everyone knows I sit here alone
20:34before each show and do the New York Times crossword puzzle. Alone. Everybody knows that.
20:39But Jim, I can't take the baby to wardrobe. There are pins in there. Well, I'm very
20:45sorry, Gorky, but I'm afraid this is impossible. Fine. You explain to Murphy why the next time
20:50she tries to give him a bottle, all the milk comes squirting out of little holes in his
20:54bottle. Well, all right. We'll leave him. But this is highly irregular. See you later, Avery.
21:03All right. I suppose I'll have to let you in on a little secret. I'm not really doing the
21:15crossword puzzle. See? I just wrote Blorf, and it isn't even a word. Well, like you, perhaps.
21:23The point is, the puzzle is just a cover, so people will leave me alone. You see, I have
21:29this little ritual that I do before each show. I've been doing it ever since I started in this
21:35business as a way to relax me. Oh, but I get nervous, you understand. Certainly not. It's
21:44just that I appear live in front of 20 million people each week. 20 million. Have you any idea
21:52what a responsibility that is? One wrong facial expression, and I could send the nation into an
21:59emotional tailspin? Once, during a story on the economy, I banged my knee under the desk and
22:05grimaced slightly. The next day, the stock market dropped 30 points. Anyway, this ritual I do has become a
22:17tradition, and it's... well, it's not something I've ever done in front of anyone, but it's getting
22:24late, so I guess I'll have to go ahead and do it with you watching.
22:28There. That stays between us. You understand? All right. Two minutes to air, everybody.
22:58She's not going to make it. Why is she doing this to me? Why didn't she just let me run an old
23:04interview? Why doesn't she just save us all some time and back her car right over me?
23:09Hi, everybody. Murphy, you're here. Great. You're alone. Not great. Relax, Miles. My interview will
23:14be right in. Who'd you get? Who? Hello there, sweetie. Did you get some good dirt on everybody?
23:20We'll talk on the way home. Murphy, we are on the air in 60 seconds. Just enough time for the blood
23:25clot that's been forming in my left ventricle to dislodge itself and travel to my brain where,
23:29if I am lucky, it will kill me instantly. Now, where is this interview you're sticking me with?
23:36Dude. Oh, gee. You mean. Holy-ness. Your-your holiness. Boy. This is Miles Silverberg, our producer,
23:49and my son, Avery. Coochie-coochie-coo. All right. Ten seconds, everybody. Let's go. Just another show.
24:01Oh. Here we go, people. In five, four, three, two. Good evening and welcome to another edition of FYI.
24:16Jackie may seem desperate for a date, but that's just a facade because she's a smooth operator who
24:31always goes after the man she wants no matter the risk. You tackled some naked guy and you fell down
24:37the steps with him? Oh, man. She's got game. Stay tuned.