Bill Burr Drop Dead Years 2025 | Stand-up comedy | Special - video Dailymotion

Laugh it off

Watch Bill Burr Drop Dead Years 2025 | Stand-up comedy | Special - Laugh it off on Dailymotion

Transcript

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00:00:26أقدر أنني أردت لأنه كان الأساني طويلة طويلة لتراني من جيدة أجل

00:00:32لم أكن أعرف أجل أجل أجل

00:00:36إجراء أجلما، فإن أعرف بلد

00:00:40أجل ما أحاولت في العالم

00:00:44سبب أكثر أجل أجل أجل الشيء أجل أجل أجل أجل أجل

00:00:49موسيقى

00:01:19موسيقى

00:01:49I don't pretend to pay attention.

00:01:51I am an old man at this point.

00:01:52I don't watch the news.

00:01:54You know, people who watch the news fascinate me.

00:01:56They're always eyebrows up and,

00:01:58and like freaking out.

00:02:00They're like, oh yeah, all right.

00:02:01You just want to walk around in fight or flight mode

00:02:03your whole fucking life?

00:02:05This is what's happening.

00:02:07And there's plastic, there's plastic in the cereal,

00:02:09and then it's going into your children,

00:02:10and then there's going to be little plastic people.

00:02:12Is there any sort of solution?

00:02:15No, no, no, it's just this information.

00:02:18Walk around with this.

00:02:20Enjoy your work day.

00:02:22Yeah, I don't pay attention to shit.

00:02:25I don't know what's going on, right?

00:02:27That's, I feel like that.

00:02:30I mean, I kind of know what's going on.

00:02:33Like I know Gaza Strip, that's still going, right?

00:02:36Yeah, all right.

00:02:41Okay, that's going on.

00:02:43Well, did you pick a side?

00:02:46Who deserves to live more, right?

00:02:48I hate that shit.

00:02:50Well, these kids, they more line up with our foreign policy

00:02:53than these kids over here.

00:02:55And it's just, I don't, it's just, I don't know.

00:02:57I don't know.

00:02:57How the fuck is war still legal in 2024?

00:03:00Can you explain that to me?

00:03:02Like, I don't want these Oprah Winfrey applause breaks.

00:03:04Stop doing that.

00:03:05I'm just asking the question, all right?

00:03:08I mean, as a comedian, I can't call a fat fuck

00:03:11a fat fuck anymore, all right?

00:03:13Even if he took my last slice of pizza

00:03:15and is denying it with pepperoni on his breath,

00:03:18I can't be like, you fat, man-titted cunt.

00:03:21I know what you did.

00:03:23Own up to it.

00:03:24Everybody's like, all right, well, he took your pizza,

00:03:26but that's like no reason to body shame.

00:03:29I mean, yeah.

00:03:30It's like, yeah, it is.

00:03:31I can't get the fucking pizza back.

00:03:33At least I can make him feel bad about himself.

00:03:35All right?

00:03:38Yeah, I'm not allowed to do that,

00:03:40but it's still socially acceptable

00:03:42to shoot a missile in the general direction

00:03:45of somebody you're upset with.

00:03:50You're like, dude, there was like kids over there.

00:03:53This is my favorite response.

00:03:55Well, you know, they're using kids as human shields.

00:03:58It's like, well, you've got to work around that.

00:04:04Jesus Christ, if I'm mad at my neighbor

00:04:06and I want to beat the shit out of him,

00:04:08but he's holding a baby, right?

00:04:10I wouldn't come in and try to punch him through the baby.

00:04:15Yeah, you go in, you know, you throw a hook.

00:04:18You sweep the legs.

00:04:20You do it on the lawn

00:04:21so the baby bounces off the grass, all right?

00:04:25There's fucking rules to this shit.

00:04:27I do think it's hilarious

00:04:33that college kids are all freaking out, you know,

00:04:35fucking supporting the Palestinians.

00:04:37How dare the Israelis

00:04:38do what our country has been doing for 20 years?

00:04:42What the fuck?

00:04:44You don't do that shit.

00:04:45We do.

00:04:46Hey, you didn't like that one, did you?

00:04:51That was a little too close to home?

00:04:52All right.

00:04:53Oh, I know.

00:04:55We're liberating people.

00:04:58Whatever.

00:04:58Like I said, don't listen to me.

00:05:00Don't listen to me.

00:05:00I don't know what's going on.

00:05:02I'm just living my life, man.

00:05:04You know?

00:05:06Keeping my life small.

00:05:07I'm just working on my home life

00:05:08and it's been working out good for me.

00:05:10Like right now, currently, you know,

00:05:12because the relationship is alive, man.

00:05:15Right?

00:05:15Currently, I am getting along with my wife

00:05:17better than I ever have

00:05:19in the 20 years that I've known her.

00:05:21Yeah.

00:05:24Yeah, I figured something out.

00:05:26I figured something out.

00:05:28Basically, what happened was

00:05:29a friend of mine died.

00:05:31Right?

00:05:35I'm of that age, you know?

00:05:37It's starting to happen.

00:05:38I'm 56, right?

00:05:40Which, granted,

00:05:41this is too young to die of natural causes,

00:05:43but it's not too young to drop dead.

00:05:46Right?

00:05:48Like, as a man,

00:05:49I am in my drop dead years.

00:05:52Which are basically

00:05:53ages 49

00:05:54to about 61.

00:05:57You know?

00:05:57Anything past that,

00:05:58you're just looking at

00:05:59like a prolonged illness.

00:06:01You know?

00:06:01but these are the years

00:06:05that men drop dead.

00:06:08And dropping dead

00:06:09is a uniquely male experience.

00:06:12Right?

00:06:13Women don't drop dead.

00:06:14When was the last time

00:06:14you were out to brunch

00:06:15and there was some woman,

00:06:16hey, I get my mouth done,

00:06:18just grabs her chest

00:06:19and face down

00:06:20into some tapas.

00:06:21Oh, my God.

00:06:22Kathy!

00:06:23Right?

00:06:23They don't.

00:06:26Men drop dead

00:06:27all the fucking time.

00:06:28You're out there

00:06:29on the golf course,

00:06:30some guy fucking

00:06:31all of a sudden

00:06:34just fucking

00:06:35into the shrubs.

00:06:36Another guy

00:06:37driving at you

00:06:38in a cart,

00:06:38his buddy

00:06:39just falls out the side.

00:06:41What happened?

00:06:41You know what happened.

00:06:43He never cried.

00:06:45That's what happened.

00:06:47And he held on to it.

00:06:50You know?

00:06:50He was fucking

00:06:51putting his pants on

00:06:52and he just rolled back

00:06:53on the bed

00:06:53and he never got

00:06:54back up again.

00:06:55It can happen.

00:06:58Like, I'll give you

00:06:59a scenario.

00:06:59Let's say, you know,

00:07:01I'm upstairs

00:07:02in the bathroom,

00:07:03my wife's downstairs

00:07:04making me breakfast, right?

00:07:05It's a fantasy.

00:07:07You know?

00:07:09Let's pretend

00:07:10women still cook

00:07:11for their men.

00:07:14She's post-mating something

00:07:15and she's heating it up

00:07:17in the microwave.

00:07:19That's my love language, right?

00:07:21and I'm upstairs

00:07:23in the bathroom

00:07:23and all of a sudden

00:07:25she just hears

00:07:25a big thud

00:07:26in the floor.

00:07:27And it's just like,

00:07:28honey?

00:07:29Honey, was that you?

00:07:30This isn't funny.

00:07:33Honey?

00:07:34All right?

00:07:34The next thing you know,

00:07:35you're at my funeral.

00:07:38It happens just like that

00:07:39and somebody's trying

00:07:40to put a positive spin on it.

00:07:42You know,

00:07:43he died doing

00:07:44what he loved.

00:07:46Trimming his pubes

00:07:48in the upstairs bathroom

00:07:49while listening

00:07:51to ACDC.

00:07:57You know,

00:07:58my favorite guy

00:07:59at the funeral

00:07:59is the guy

00:08:00who tries to figure out

00:08:01exactly what happened

00:08:02like it's a

00:08:03Law and Order episode.

00:08:04You know,

00:08:05I think what happened was

00:08:06he was looking down

00:08:07at what he was doing

00:08:08and his head's heavy,

00:08:10you know,

00:08:10and he got on his toes.

00:08:12He lost his balance

00:08:13and whacked his head

00:08:14in the sink

00:08:15and it came flying back

00:08:16and there was no bath matter.

00:08:19That's kind of what happened.

00:08:24So anyway,

00:08:25I lose another friend.

00:08:29My buddy dies.

00:08:30I show up to the funeral.

00:08:32Open casket.

00:08:33It's last year.

00:08:342023.

00:08:35Open casket.

00:08:36We're still doing that?

00:08:38Huh?

00:08:39I've never understood

00:08:40open casket.

00:08:41I don't get it.

00:08:42It's like,

00:08:43you told me he was dead.

00:08:45I believed you.

00:08:49What is this?

00:08:50Some asshole coming in.

00:08:51I'm calling bullshit.

00:08:53All right?

00:08:54No, no.

00:08:55He had a lot of credit card debt.

00:08:57He wasn't getting along

00:08:58with his wife.

00:08:59Perfect candidate

00:09:00to fake his own death.

00:09:02All right, let's go.

00:09:02Open it up.

00:09:03Open it up.

00:09:04Let's see what you got.

00:09:05Let's see what you got.

00:09:09All right,

00:09:09that's pretty good.

00:09:10Pretty good.

00:09:12He looks pretty dead,

00:09:14but you know,

00:09:15Frank likes to fuck around,

00:09:16so leave it open.

00:09:17Let's see what we got.

00:09:20Dude, they left it open.

00:09:21They had my buddy propped up

00:09:22like he was watching

00:09:23Sports Center

00:09:24for like 90 minutes.

00:09:27Fucking sitting there

00:09:28looking at the side

00:09:29of my friend's dead head.

00:09:31Like, why do I need that

00:09:32on the memory bank?

00:09:34You know?

00:09:35So anyway,

00:09:35it's a funeral,

00:09:36so what happens?

00:09:37You start thinking

00:09:38about your life.

00:09:39You know?

00:09:39You take stock in it.

00:09:40I start thinking

00:09:41about how fast

00:09:42my life's going by,

00:09:43how quick my kids

00:09:44are growing up,

00:09:45and then I had this thought

00:09:46I've never had before.

00:09:48I started thinking

00:09:49about how fast

00:09:49my marriage was going by.

00:09:51Right?

00:09:52I was like,

00:09:52God damn,

00:09:53you know,

00:09:53I've been married

00:09:53almost friggin' 11 years

00:09:54at this point,

00:09:55and I started thinking

00:09:56like, you know,

00:09:57you're not in it.

00:10:03I love when people do that.

00:10:04I've been married

00:10:05for 45 years.

00:10:06for you like,

00:10:07whoo!

00:10:07It's like he could

00:10:08ever chain to a radiator.

00:10:10All right?

00:10:13You have no idea

00:10:14what is going on.

00:10:18Jesus Christ,

00:10:19you can't always be

00:10:20thinking positive,

00:10:21people.

00:10:21Come on,

00:10:22you gotta fucking

00:10:22keep your head

00:10:23on a swivel.

00:10:26Maybe she wanted

00:10:27to leave,

00:10:27and I won't let her.

00:10:28No.

00:10:29No,

00:10:29I like to think

00:10:30we're happily married.

00:10:31So I just started thinking,

00:10:32and we've been together

00:10:32for like 11 years,

00:10:34you know,

00:10:34and then I just started

00:10:35thinking all these

00:10:36stupid fights

00:10:36I'm having with her.

00:10:38I don't remember

00:10:38what half of them

00:10:39are about.

00:10:41She agreed to spend

00:10:42her life with me,

00:10:43and I'm being

00:10:43this curmudgeonly asshole,

00:10:45and I'm kind of

00:10:45ruining a little bit

00:10:47the one life she has.

00:10:50So I'm sitting back there,

00:10:51I'm looking at his dead head,

00:10:52and I think to myself,

00:10:53I could not look at it.

00:10:59I don't,

00:10:59where else am I looking?

00:11:02There's a fucking

00:11:03dead body there.

00:11:04I'm listening to your eulogy?

00:11:05I'm not.

00:11:05I'm looking at that like,

00:11:07is that going to be me someday?

00:11:09I guess it is.

00:11:09Jesus Christ.

00:11:14So at that moment,

00:11:14I was like,

00:11:15you know what?

00:11:15I think in the back nine,

00:11:16I'm just going to try

00:11:17to be a little more agreeable.

00:11:22You know,

00:11:23just try to go

00:11:24with the flow

00:11:25a little more.

00:11:27Now,

00:11:27I didn't think

00:11:28this was a big adjustment

00:11:29to my relationship.

00:11:30Turned out to be huge.

00:11:34I didn't realize

00:11:35I was that fucking disagreeable.

00:11:38Evidently,

00:11:38I was.

00:11:40Because I quickly noticed

00:11:41my wife talks to me

00:11:42in a regular voice,

00:11:42you know?

00:11:43She doesn't like what I say.

00:11:44She'll give me shit back.

00:11:45She breaks my balls

00:11:46or whatever.

00:11:47But I noticed,

00:11:47though,

00:11:48whenever she was going

00:11:49to ask me to do something

00:11:50with her

00:11:50that she thought

00:11:51maybe I didn't want to do,

00:11:53all of a sudden,

00:11:54she would take on

00:11:55like this eggshell-y

00:11:56kind of voice,

00:11:56you know?

00:11:57She'd be talking normally.

00:11:58going out tonight

00:11:58and you can do some stand-up.

00:11:59All right, cool.

00:12:00Then all of a sudden,

00:12:00she'd just be like,

00:12:02yeah, hey, listen.

00:12:06There's always some sort

00:12:07of inanimate object

00:12:08that she was playing with.

00:12:09Yeah, hey,

00:12:10wanted to talk to you

00:12:13about something,

00:12:14you know?

00:12:15Really like timid,

00:12:16like she was trying

00:12:17to figure out

00:12:17which wire to snip

00:12:18so the bomb

00:12:19wouldn't go up.

00:12:20Like, yeah, hey.

00:12:22Listen,

00:12:25a friend of mine

00:12:26said there's a new restaurant

00:12:28that opened up

00:12:28right around the corner

00:12:30and it's supposed

00:12:31to be really good

00:12:31and I don't know,

00:12:33I was thinking

00:12:34maybe we could go out

00:12:35one night,

00:12:36you know,

00:12:36have a date night,

00:12:37see if it's actually

00:12:37as good as they say.

00:12:42Now, the old me

00:12:43would have been like,

00:12:44oh, yeah, great,

00:12:45fantastic.

00:12:46I'm only on the road

00:12:4741 weeks out of the year.

00:12:49God forbid

00:12:49I spent one fucking night

00:12:51on my own goddamn couch.

00:12:53I mean, Jesus Christ,

00:12:55why don't you just

00:12:56take me to LAX,

00:12:57stick me on a fucking plane

00:12:58and get me back out there?

00:13:00Am I,

00:13:01am I even a person to you

00:13:02or am I just

00:13:03a fucking ATM machine?

00:13:04Is that what it is?

00:13:07Right?

00:13:08That was the old me.

00:13:12Yeah, no,

00:13:13that,

00:13:14that was the old me

00:13:15but not new easygoing Bill.

00:13:18No siree.

00:13:21I just went like,

00:13:22all right, cool,

00:13:23sounds like fun.

00:13:24And she was like,

00:13:26really?

00:13:29And I was like,

00:13:30yeah.

00:13:31And I swear to God,

00:13:32she went,

00:13:33yay.

00:13:37And then she came over

00:13:39and she gave me

00:13:39the sweetest little peck

00:13:41on my cheek.

00:13:42Yeah,

00:13:42I felt that jolt of love

00:13:43you feel in the beginning

00:13:44of the relationship.

00:13:47Took me by surprise

00:13:48and she walked out of the room.

00:13:49I was like,

00:13:49wow,

00:13:50what was that?

00:13:51I want more of that

00:13:53in my relationship.

00:13:55I'm going to try

00:13:56some more of this

00:13:57agreeing shit.

00:13:57This is pretty good.

00:14:01Yeah,

00:14:01so we go out.

00:14:04Yeah,

00:14:05we go out to dinner.

00:14:06We have a great time.

00:14:07In the next two weeks,

00:14:08it's a little more easygoing,

00:14:09you know?

00:14:10It's a little more

00:14:10easy breezy there,

00:14:11right?

00:14:12And everything's fine.

00:14:13She's talking to me normal

00:14:14and then a couple weeks

00:14:15goes by

00:14:15and all of a sudden,

00:14:16once again,

00:14:16the eggshell voice.

00:14:17She just starts going,

00:14:18hey,

00:14:19uh,

00:14:20something I've been meaning

00:14:23to talk to you about.

00:14:26You know,

00:14:27we're going to that wedding

00:14:28up in Paso Robles,

00:14:30you know,

00:14:30in a couple weeks,

00:14:30you know?

00:14:31You know,

00:14:32we're supposed to just

00:14:32kind of go right up

00:14:33and come right back down.

00:14:34Well,

00:14:34you know,

00:14:34I was just kind of thinking,

00:14:35you know,

00:14:36we both love wine country

00:14:37and,

00:14:38uh,

00:14:38what if we just

00:14:40didn't come right back?

00:14:41What if we went up

00:14:42and maybe stayed

00:14:43an extra couple of days,

00:14:44you know?

00:14:45Take something

00:14:46that was going to cost

00:14:46$900,

00:14:47make it cost $4,000.

00:14:48I just thought,

00:14:50maybe,

00:14:53maybe we could do

00:14:55something like that,

00:14:56get reconnected.

00:15:00And I just go,

00:15:01yeah,

00:15:02sure,

00:15:02you know?

00:15:03Sounds great.

00:15:04And she was just like,

00:15:05wow,

00:15:06you are being

00:15:07such a good sport lately.

00:15:09And now,

00:15:09I'm waiting for that

00:15:10peck on the cheek,

00:15:11but it doesn't come,

00:15:12right?

00:15:13She just stands her ground.

00:15:16Because,

00:15:16you know,

00:15:16women,

00:15:16you give them an inch,

00:15:17they want to take a mile,

00:15:18right?

00:15:18So she's just standing there

00:15:19and she's just kind of like,

00:15:21okay,

00:15:22cool,

00:15:22because,

00:15:22uh,

00:15:23I was also thinking,

00:15:25um,

00:15:27you know,

00:15:27it's not just the wedding,

00:15:29you know?

00:15:29There's like all these events

00:15:30around it,

00:15:30like there's the night before,

00:15:31the drinks,

00:15:32you meet people,

00:15:33then the morning,

00:15:33there's a brunch,

00:15:34then there's the wedding itself,

00:15:35and then the day after,

00:15:36there's like a little pool party thing

00:15:37and I was thinking,

00:15:38I don't know,

00:15:38you know,

00:15:39maybe we could go shopping

00:15:40and buy different outfits

00:15:42for each one of those,

00:15:43each one of those events?

00:15:48So look at me,

00:15:49obviously,

00:15:49I don't like to shop,

00:15:50I'm just not into this shit,

00:15:51so,

00:15:52but I went along with it,

00:15:53and I gotta tell you though,

00:15:53she was right,

00:15:54right?

00:15:55I went up,

00:15:55I go up to Paso Robles,

00:15:56I hate picking out outfits,

00:15:57all of my outfits were laid out

00:15:59like I was some eight-year-old kid,

00:16:01you know?

00:16:01And I'm just sitting there like,

00:16:02this is my breakfast outfit!

00:16:04I'm going downstairs,

00:16:06I'm gonna have waffles

00:16:07and some bacon,

00:16:08maybe even some pancakes!

00:16:10now I have on my sport coat,

00:16:12ooh,

00:16:12I'm a big boy,

00:16:13I'm gonna talk about the environment

00:16:14and have some drinky poos,

00:16:16right?

00:16:16And dude,

00:16:17we got along great!

00:16:18Got along great,

00:16:19we looked great in the pictures,

00:16:20we ended up hooking up,

00:16:22we had a fantastic fucking time!

00:16:26And I've just been doing that!

00:16:30And I've never gotten along with her better!

00:16:31That's basically what it is!

00:16:33All you have to do

00:16:34to make them happy

00:16:35is just once a month

00:16:36agree to some shit

00:16:38that you would never fucking do!

00:16:44That they want to do!

00:16:46And they'll just be like,

00:16:47happy as hell!

00:16:50Yes, exactly!

00:16:51Basically,

00:16:51what you guys are looking at here

00:16:53is a broken man!

00:16:54after 20 years,

00:17:01she finally got the saddle on my back,

00:17:03she's petting my neck,

00:17:05I'm like,

00:17:05I don't give a shit,

00:17:07which way do you want me

00:17:08to pull the wagon?

00:17:10Yeah,

00:17:10that's all you gotta do,

00:17:11agree to whatever dumb shit,

00:17:13and you can't just agree,

00:17:14you gotta be enthusiastic about it,

00:17:17you know?

00:17:17like Farmer's Market?

00:17:19Oh boy,

00:17:20would I?

00:17:22Oh my goodness,

00:17:24is corn in season?

00:17:26Well shit,

00:17:27I'll hold the bag!

00:17:29I'll tape the game,

00:17:31don't worry about it!

00:17:39Because I know,

00:17:41this ain't about me.

00:17:44No,

00:17:45I don't want to go

00:17:46to that dark place.

00:17:50Well fuck it,

00:17:50let's go then!

00:17:51Alright?

00:17:54Okay,

00:17:55I know,

00:17:56it always rains on you guys,

00:17:57you guys are all

00:17:58fucking depressed,

00:17:58right?

00:17:59Under the bridge,

00:18:00doing whatever the fuck

00:18:00you're doing up here,

00:18:01writing your sad music.

00:18:06Anyway,

00:18:08yeah,

00:18:08so,

00:18:09I'm this weird part of my life,

00:18:12I really am,

00:18:12it's this great thing

00:18:13where I'm just letting go

00:18:14of a lot of shit

00:18:15and also kind of

00:18:16discovering stuff

00:18:17about myself,

00:18:18like I really,

00:18:18I found out,

00:18:19recently,

00:18:20I have like depression issues.

00:18:22I couldn't believe it.

00:18:23I always hate it when people

00:18:24are like,

00:18:24oh,

00:18:24I'm fucking depressed.

00:18:25Shut up,

00:18:25you fucking pussy.

00:18:26Just get up

00:18:27and plow through it

00:18:29like the,

00:18:30I got a clinic on the ground,

00:18:31I got a clinic off the ground.

00:18:33I had no fucking empathy

00:18:34whatsoever.

00:18:37I used to look at those people

00:18:38like,

00:18:38what the fuck is wrong with them?

00:18:41And I had the exact same thing,

00:18:42I had no fucking idea,

00:18:43you know?

00:18:43I don't have like

00:18:44clinical depression,

00:18:45I have like,

00:18:45I have regular depression,

00:18:47you know?

00:18:49I got the regular stuff,

00:18:50like a lot of fucked up shit

00:18:51happened to me,

00:18:52I never dealt with it,

00:18:53I just kind of kept

00:18:53putting it over here,

00:18:54you know?

00:18:55It just sort of floats over here

00:18:56and every once in a while

00:18:57it taps me on the shoulder

00:18:59like,

00:18:59hey,

00:18:59you ready to deal

00:19:00with this shit?

00:19:00I'm like,

00:19:01okay,

00:19:02maybe,

00:19:02or,

00:19:03I could death scroll

00:19:04on Instagram

00:19:04and watch some guy

00:19:05refurbishing old skillets

00:19:07for like the next three hours,

00:19:08oh,

00:19:09maybe,

00:19:09yeah.

00:19:11Oh yeah,

00:19:12I'll stay up

00:19:12till three in the morning

00:19:13washing people

00:19:15like power wash

00:19:16like sidewalks

00:19:17and driveways

00:19:18rather than unpacking

00:19:20that shit

00:19:21and it's always

00:19:22fucking tapping me

00:19:23on the shoulder,

00:19:24you know?

00:19:25Creeping up on me,

00:19:26I call it the fog,

00:19:27so I fucking,

00:19:28I try to stay ahead of it

00:19:29and I have all these hobbies

00:19:30and all these different things

00:19:31that I do

00:19:32so I just keep moving

00:19:33so it can't keep up with me,

00:19:34right?

00:19:34And I've noticed

00:19:35at some point

00:19:37I'm gonna have to face this shit,

00:19:39right?

00:19:39So,

00:19:39the end of last year

00:19:40I was taking like six weeks off

00:19:42from the road

00:19:42and I knew the shit was coming,

00:19:43right?

00:19:43I felt it.

00:19:44I was like,

00:19:44here you go,

00:19:45Bill.

00:19:46You're off the road.

00:19:47Time to deal,

00:19:47right?

00:19:48And this time I was like,

00:19:49you know what?

00:19:49Fuck this.

00:19:50I'm just gonna sit in this shit

00:19:51as long as I can sit in it,

00:19:52you know,

00:19:53and see what happens,

00:19:54right?

00:19:54So,

00:19:54it took about three days

00:19:55before my wife noticed,

00:19:59had like an afghan

00:20:00like wrapped around me.

00:20:02I wasn't shaving and shit

00:20:04and I'm just sitting there

00:20:04watching TV all day

00:20:06and you know what's funny?

00:20:06When you shave your head like this,

00:20:08it looks like,

00:20:08you know,

00:20:08jujitsu possibly,

00:20:10you know?

00:20:10But after three days

00:20:11you look like some retired

00:20:12shoe salesman,

00:20:13you know,

00:20:14that didn't get the gold watch.

00:20:16So,

00:20:17I'm sitting there

00:20:17and my wife,

00:20:19you know,

00:20:19we got two little kids,

00:20:20she took her a few days to notice,

00:20:22she finally takes me in,

00:20:23she just goes,

00:20:24she goes,

00:20:24hey,

00:20:24what's going on with you?

00:20:27She's like,

00:20:27is everything alright?

00:20:28and I was like,

00:20:30uh,

00:20:30no.

00:20:32And she's like,

00:20:33what's the matter?

00:20:34And for the first time

00:20:35in 20 years of knowing her,

00:20:36I actually communicated

00:20:38an emotion.

00:20:44I swear to God,

00:20:44she goes,

00:20:45what's the matter?

00:20:46And I go,

00:20:47I'm sad.

00:20:52Exactly.

00:20:53That's fucking hilarious

00:20:54coming out of a man's mouth.

00:20:56is just funny.

00:20:58Yeah.

00:20:58She didn't know

00:20:59what the fuck to do.

00:21:02Right?

00:21:04Men aren't allowed

00:21:05to be sad.

00:21:05We're allowed to be

00:21:06one of two things.

00:21:07We're allowed to be mad

00:21:08or fine.

00:21:09That's it.

00:21:10Right?

00:21:11Those are normal

00:21:13behaviors of a man.

00:21:14You can be mad

00:21:15like,

00:21:16Jesus Christ,

00:21:16who put this here?

00:21:17How many fucking times

00:21:18do I got to say,

00:21:19Jesus Christ,

00:21:20God damn area,

00:21:21please,

00:21:21Jesus Christ,

00:21:22somebody's going to

00:21:23fall and break

00:21:23their fucking neck.

00:21:24I'm so tired.

00:21:25Instead of walking,

00:21:26I don't know,

00:21:27I don't know.

00:21:27Right?

00:21:28And then what if

00:21:29your wife just

00:21:30fucking rolls her eyes?

00:21:31Just send him out

00:21:31in the yard,

00:21:32let him walk it off,

00:21:33throw him a beer out there,

00:21:34he'll be fine,

00:21:35right?

00:21:36Yeah,

00:21:36he'll be good,

00:21:37right?

00:21:37You're allowed to be

00:21:38that or fine.

00:21:40How you doing,

00:21:41Bill?

00:21:41I'm fine.

00:21:43You sure?

00:21:44Yeah,

00:21:45I'm sure.

00:21:45I said it was fine.

00:21:46Why the fuck

00:21:47would I say it's fine?

00:21:48Why the fuck

00:21:48would I say it's fine?

00:21:48Then you're just

00:21:49right back over there

00:21:50and your whole

00:21:50fucking life is that.

00:21:53And what's weird

00:21:54about a guy

00:21:54is we feel

00:21:55all the other emotions,

00:21:57right?

00:21:57Melancholy,

00:21:58being sentimental,

00:21:59enjoying a sunset,

00:22:01all of that type of shit,

00:22:02but all this in here

00:22:03is just called gay,

00:22:05right?

00:22:08It's just a giant bag

00:22:12of gay,

00:22:13you swing it over

00:22:14your shoulder

00:22:14and you just

00:22:15fucking throw that

00:22:16in the woods.

00:22:18That's it.

00:22:19You do that

00:22:19for half a century,

00:22:20one day you grab

00:22:21your fucking chest

00:22:22and you go down

00:22:23and then that's it.

00:22:24It's a fucking wreck.

00:22:27Yeah.

00:22:27So,

00:22:28you know,

00:22:28I'm an old dad,

00:22:29I gotta be here

00:22:30for my kids,

00:22:31so I gotta start

00:22:32figuring myself out here.

00:22:33So,

00:22:34yeah,

00:22:34I just told her,

00:22:35I was like,

00:22:35fuck it,

00:22:35I just said I'm sad

00:22:36and she just went like,

00:22:37and she just went,

00:22:38oh.

00:22:43She's like,

00:22:44was it something I did?

00:22:45Did I do something?

00:22:46I said,

00:22:46no,

00:22:46you owe me a great,

00:22:47you owe me a great.

00:22:48This is some shit

00:22:48from a long time ago,

00:22:50you know,

00:22:51that I've just been thinking

00:22:51has been coming up

00:22:52and all of that

00:22:53has just been really

00:22:53bothering me

00:22:54and she goes,

00:22:54oh,

00:22:55okay,

00:22:55well,

00:22:56I'm sorry

00:22:57and then she just

00:23:00walked out of the room

00:23:00and I couldn't even

00:23:05get mad at her.

00:23:06I was just envious,

00:23:08right?

00:23:08I was like,

00:23:08I didn't know

00:23:08you could fucking

00:23:09do that.

00:23:11All these years

00:23:12of listening to you

00:23:13dump your day on me?

00:23:16Having to actively listen?

00:23:19Mandy said that to you?

00:23:21No,

00:23:21she didn't.

00:23:22Oh my goodness.

00:23:24So what did you say?

00:23:26Oh,

00:23:27you said that?

00:23:28No,

00:23:29you were totally

00:23:30within your right

00:23:31to say that

00:23:32and I feel proud

00:23:33to be with you

00:23:34knowing that you

00:23:35stuck up for yourself

00:23:36in that fucking moment.

00:23:38Jesus Christ.

00:23:40Right?

00:23:43Yes.

00:23:44I didn't realize

00:23:46that I could just be like,

00:23:48oh,

00:23:48that's between you

00:23:49and Mandy?

00:23:50All right,

00:23:50take it easy.

00:23:52Good luck with that shit.

00:23:54I'm going to go

00:23:54watch some hockey.

00:23:56That is some

00:23:57you and Mandy shit.

00:23:58Let me know

00:23:58how that works out.

00:23:59Or don't.

00:24:00I don't give a fuck.

00:24:02Yeah.

00:24:05Yeah.

00:24:07That's the thing.

00:24:08So that's like

00:24:08it's been an adjustment

00:24:09in the relationship

00:24:10now that I'm starting

00:24:11to feel feelings

00:24:11because it's not about

00:24:13the guy

00:24:13at all.

00:24:15Right?

00:24:17Like all of these

00:24:17fucking holidays.

00:24:18My favorite time of the year

00:24:19is March and April.

00:24:21You know what I mean?

00:24:21It's just 61 glorious days.

00:24:24No fucking holiday

00:24:25where the man

00:24:27has to make

00:24:27some sort of

00:24:28financial gesture

00:24:29to the woman

00:24:30in his life.

00:24:31You know what I mean?

00:24:32Like Valentine's Day.

00:24:33It just sneaks up

00:24:34on you every year.

00:24:35It's like I just

00:24:36fucking got you something.

00:24:37I just paid the bill

00:24:38in January

00:24:39and then here we

00:24:40fucking go again.

00:24:42When are you

00:24:42going to feel loved?

00:24:43Right?

00:24:44Jesus fucking Christ.

00:24:45Here you go.

00:24:47It's something shiny.

00:24:48Are you happy?

00:24:49Oh, that's good.

00:24:50I'm glad you're happy.

00:24:51Don't mind me.

00:24:53I'm just over here

00:24:54in a walking depression.

00:24:55But as long as

00:24:56you're happy,

00:24:57as long as you're

00:24:58happy, I'm happy.

00:24:59Don't mind me.

00:25:00Hey, look at me.

00:25:01I'm over here.

00:25:02I'm learning how

00:25:02to make a crepe.

00:25:03Yeah, I'm learning

00:25:04how to make a crepe.

00:25:06Wow, Bill,

00:25:06you have so many interests.

00:25:08No, just sad.

00:25:10Just sad, you know.

00:25:14Just trying to quiet

00:25:15the voices

00:25:16so I don't put rocks

00:25:17in my pocket

00:25:18and step in the pool.

00:25:19Okay?

00:25:20Who wants a crepe?

00:25:21Yeah.

00:25:25There are a lot

00:25:26of sad men.

00:25:27I realize that.

00:25:27Now that I know

00:25:28how fucked up I am,

00:25:29you can always,

00:25:29it's like I can see

00:25:30through the matrix.

00:25:31There's so many sad guys,

00:25:32they don't even know

00:25:33they're sad.

00:25:35Yeah, ladies,

00:25:36you're married,

00:25:37you're probably married

00:25:37to a sad guy right now.

00:25:38That's what the fucking

00:25:39garage is for.

00:25:41That's what the garage

00:25:41is for.

00:25:42You tease him

00:25:43to your friends.

00:25:43He's always out there

00:25:44working on that project.

00:25:46He's never gonna finish.

00:25:47Yeah, because he can't

00:25:48see the measurement

00:25:48through the tears.

00:25:50Right?

00:25:51I'll give you another

00:25:55classic fucking sad guy.

00:25:57That cool uncle you got,

00:25:59you know?

00:25:59The one who never

00:25:59got married, right?

00:26:01The one with the motorcycle.

00:26:04And you're looking at him,

00:26:04wow, he's so cool,

00:26:05he rides a motorcycle,

00:26:06he's not afraid to die.

00:26:08Yeah, because he died

00:26:08years ago.

00:26:10When whatever happened

00:26:11to him, happened to him.

00:26:13He comes over

00:26:14for the holidays,

00:26:15how long does he last

00:26:16seeing a loving family?

00:26:17He can't fucking handle it,

00:26:18he wants it,

00:26:18he doesn't know how to get it.

00:26:19Gotta hit the trail.

00:26:20and he rides away.

00:26:23And you're like,

00:26:24wow, he's so cool.

00:26:25That's because you can't

00:26:26see the tears

00:26:27streaking down his face

00:26:30conditioning his ponytail.

00:26:33Because he rides off

00:26:34to fuck some sleeve tattooed

00:26:37traumatized woman.

00:26:38Is this too sad

00:26:44for even Seattle?

00:26:48All right.

00:26:51All right.

00:26:52Well, I will give you,

00:26:53I will give you

00:26:54the number one place

00:26:56to see sad men.

00:26:58Guitar Center.

00:27:00Oh my God.

00:27:02One of the saddest places

00:27:05on earth.

00:27:07Failed, struggling musicians

00:27:09behind the counter.

00:27:11A bunch of men

00:27:12in loveless marriages

00:27:13or divorce

00:27:14just walking around

00:27:15looking at the guitars.

00:27:17Is that a custom color?

00:27:19Is it?

00:27:20Maybe if I add that

00:27:21to my collection,

00:27:22it'll fill up

00:27:23whatever this void is

00:27:24in the center of my chest.

00:27:26I don't know.

00:27:30I don't have any

00:27:31fucking solutions, but...

00:27:36Yeah.

00:27:40Anyway,

00:27:41what's funny,

00:27:42so my home life is great.

00:27:43I'm getting along great

00:27:43with my wife.

00:27:44I'm getting along,

00:27:45you know, kids are awesome.

00:27:46Everything's great at home.

00:27:47You know, the balance of life.

00:27:47If that's going to be good,

00:27:49something has to be like

00:27:49fucked up, you know,

00:27:51to fix it.

00:27:52It sucks, you know?

00:27:53Like, what's,

00:27:54my home life is great,

00:27:55but what sucks is

00:27:55the people that are

00:27:56that raised me.

00:27:56It's not a good situation now,

00:27:58you know,

00:27:58aunts and uncles,

00:27:58everybody getting older,

00:27:59people dying,

00:28:00people getting diseases,

00:28:02you know?

00:28:03Like, recently,

00:28:04somebody I know

00:28:04got diagnosed,

00:28:05you know,

00:28:06with dementia,

00:28:07which is, you know,

00:28:08it sucks,

00:28:09but there's nothing

00:28:09you can do, you know?

00:28:11What do you do

00:28:11when somebody has dementia?

00:28:12What can you really do?

00:28:13You just be nice to them,

00:28:14right?

00:28:14They repeat a story.

00:28:16You just act like

00:28:16it's the first time

00:28:17they said it,

00:28:18you know what I mean?

00:28:19You don't sit there

00:28:20looking around the room

00:28:21like,

00:28:21they're fucking doing this again?

00:28:22Jesus Christ.

00:28:24What is this,

00:28:24groundhog day?

00:28:25You think he's gonna

00:28:28change the ending?

00:28:29I mean,

00:28:29good lord,

00:28:30I don't give a fuck,

00:28:31he's not gonna remember

00:28:31me saying this,

00:28:32right?

00:28:33No,

00:28:34you don't do that,

00:28:35you just act like

00:28:35it's the first time

00:28:36they said it,

00:28:37they repeat a question,

00:28:39you just act like

00:28:40it's the first time

00:28:41they asked it.

00:28:42You are nice to people

00:28:43with dementia,

00:28:45unless they're the

00:28:46president of the

00:28:47United States,

00:28:48at which point,

00:28:49at which point,

00:28:53you can go off,

00:28:54look at you guys,

00:28:55people applauding

00:28:56that somebody has dementia,

00:28:59how fucked up is that?

00:29:01Not 30 seconds ago

00:29:02when I said

00:29:03someone in my family

00:29:04got diagnosed,

00:29:06you guys were all,

00:29:07you could hear a pin drop,

00:29:08and you had empathy,

00:29:09like,

00:29:09oh no,

00:29:10maybe you know

00:29:11somebody that has it

00:29:12or whatever,

00:29:12oh my god,

00:29:12it's terrible,

00:29:13I know what you're

00:29:13going through.

00:29:14second you put a blue

00:29:16or a red tie on it,

00:29:17fuck that old man,

00:29:19fuck him,

00:29:19I'm glad he's going to die.

00:29:22Yeah,

00:29:22still applauding.

00:29:25It's fucking,

00:29:27what is wrong with us?

00:29:30We're fucking out

00:29:31of our minds.

00:29:33People aren't going

00:29:34to take the vaccine,

00:29:35but they'll take

00:29:35Ozepic,

00:29:36right?

00:29:38Well,

00:29:38Ozepic's my choice.

00:29:39No,

00:29:39it wasn't.

00:29:40They poisoned the food supply

00:29:41and you fucking ballooned up

00:29:43and now you're jabbing

00:29:44that in

00:29:44and then they're going

00:29:45to wheel you in.

00:29:46It's not,

00:29:47it's not,

00:29:47you're a money-making vehicle.

00:29:51Anyway,

00:29:52if Joe Biden,

00:29:55here's a funny thing,

00:29:56if Joe Biden wasn't

00:29:57a politician,

00:29:58if he wasn't famous,

00:29:59he was just some

00:30:00random old guy

00:30:01sitting by himself

00:30:02in a diner,

00:30:03repeating himself.

00:30:06There's nobody with him.

00:30:07You would have empathy

00:30:07for him going like,

00:30:08oh my god,

00:30:10is there anybody

00:30:11with that guy?

00:30:12Oh.

00:30:12I mean,

00:30:14that is really dangerous.

00:30:15Who's going to help him out?

00:30:17How's he going to know

00:30:17he already had pie?

00:30:19He could eat himself

00:30:20to death,

00:30:21right?

00:30:25Second,

00:30:26he's a Democrat

00:30:27or a Republican,

00:30:28you're just like,

00:30:28fuck you old man!

00:30:30You're losing your mind!

00:30:32You're going crazy!

00:30:33You already said that!

00:30:36You already said that!

00:30:37You already said that!

00:30:39I love that shit.

00:30:42It's what makes

00:30:42human beings hilarious.

00:30:43I'm one of the biggest

00:30:44hypocrites you're ever

00:30:45going to fucking meet

00:30:45in your life.

00:30:46And I love,

00:30:47I love hypocrites,

00:30:48I love weird rules.

00:30:50Like,

00:30:50one of my favorite things

00:30:51about the West Coast

00:30:52is on the five freeway,

00:30:53you have that,

00:30:54that commuter lane.

00:30:56You know?

00:30:56You've got to have

00:30:56two people in it

00:30:57called the HOV lane,

00:30:58the high occupancy,

00:31:00high occupancy vehicle lane,

00:31:01whatever the fuck

00:31:01it's called,

00:31:02right?

00:31:02Yeah,

00:31:03I just love the respect

00:31:04that it gets.

00:31:07For the most part,

00:31:0899% of people

00:31:09will not go in

00:31:09that fucking lane

00:31:10unless they have

00:31:12two people.

00:31:12We just sit

00:31:13in the other six lanes,

00:31:14dead stop,

00:31:15hating life.

00:31:17Why did I move out here?

00:31:19This fucking sucks!

00:31:20I can see my house!

00:31:22I can see it!

00:31:23I can walk from here!

00:31:26And there's this

00:31:26wide open lane to freedom,

00:31:28nobody goes in it.

00:31:29They're like,

00:31:29oh, I can't go in that!

00:31:30You know?

00:31:31Don't have enough

00:31:31occupancy's in my vehicle!

00:31:34Right?

00:31:35There's the thing,

00:31:35I could take a chance,

00:31:38right?

00:31:38I could go in there

00:31:38by myself,

00:31:39okay?

00:31:39But if there's a cop there,

00:31:41I'm going to get pulled over,

00:31:42I'm going to get yelled at,

00:31:43I get a ticket,

00:31:43and my insurance goes up.

00:31:44I am not allowed

00:31:46to do that.

00:31:46However,

00:31:47I can still join the Klan.

00:31:50I could join the Ku Klux Klan

00:31:57and not get in trouble.

00:31:59All right?

00:32:01I don't get yelled at,

00:32:02I don't get a ticket,

00:32:03no insurance goes up.

00:32:05I could drive down the highway

00:32:07in my Klan outfit

00:32:08as long as I had the mud flap up.

00:32:12All right?

00:32:12It could say Grand Dragon

00:32:13on the front of the sheet,

00:32:14I could have a white power bumper sticker,

00:32:17I could have a Hitler bobblehead

00:32:18right on the dashboard

00:32:19just sitting there

00:32:19fucking going like that.

00:32:22I would not get pulled over

00:32:24unless I went into the HOV lane.

00:32:28Right?

00:32:30Yeah,

00:32:30and then,

00:32:31I wouldn't get pulled over

00:32:32because I joined

00:32:34a terrorist organization.

00:32:36I would get pulled over

00:32:37because I didn't have

00:32:38another terrorist with me.

00:32:41That's what the problem would be.

00:32:45Yeah.

00:32:49Yeah,

00:32:49the cop would be coming up

00:32:50like,

00:32:50well,

00:32:51well,

00:32:51aren't we in a hurry

00:32:52to get to the cross burning

00:32:54this evening,

00:32:54huh?

00:32:55Who the hell

00:32:56do you think you are,

00:32:57buddy?

00:32:58I'll tell you right now,

00:32:59you better have a black guy

00:33:00in the trunk

00:33:00or you, sir,

00:33:01are in a lot of trouble.

00:33:03Now get your license up.

00:33:04You know what's funny

00:33:15is I don't think

00:33:16anybody joins the Klan anymore,

00:33:17you know?

00:33:18That's like your great,

00:33:20great,

00:33:20great grandfather's hate group,

00:33:22you know?

00:33:23I don't like blacks

00:33:24or Jews or fucking queers.

00:33:27I feel like they're still

00:33:28on horses,

00:33:29you know?

00:33:30Just a bunch of old,

00:33:31ugly white guys

00:33:32just riding around.

00:33:33You know what's hilarious

00:33:42about Jesus?

00:33:44You know what I learned

00:33:45about this guy?

00:33:46In North America,

00:33:48he's white.

00:33:49He's like almost

00:33:50as white as I am.

00:33:52But the closer

00:33:53you get to the equator,

00:33:54the more he starts

00:33:55looking like Lenny Kravitz.

00:33:56You notice that?

00:33:57anyway,

00:34:03yeah,

00:34:03nobody joins the Klan anymore,

00:34:05you know?

00:34:07As a white person,

00:34:08you don't want to join

00:34:08the Klan, right?

00:34:10You want to join

00:34:10a younger,

00:34:11hipper,

00:34:12white nationalist group,

00:34:13right?

00:34:15Like the neo-Nazis

00:34:16or the Proud Boys,

00:34:17you know,

00:34:18with their little fades,

00:34:19you know,

00:34:19and their little

00:34:19okey-doke thing,

00:34:20they stick their pee-pee through

00:34:21or whatever the secret

00:34:22handshake is.

00:34:23I don't know.

00:34:24I don't pretend

00:34:24to know these things.

00:34:26Or maybe you just

00:34:27want to be that random

00:34:28get-off-my-lawn

00:34:29racist white dude.

00:34:30You know that guy?

00:34:31The patriotic guy?

00:34:33You know that guy?

00:34:34He dresses every weekend

00:34:35like it's the 4th of July.

00:34:37Everything he has

00:34:37has the American flag on it.

00:34:39You know,

00:34:39there's a bald eagle

00:34:40on his shirt,

00:34:41the Declaration of Independence

00:34:42down this sleeve.

00:34:44Thomas Jefferson's nuts.

00:34:45Mount Rushmore

00:34:46right back here.

00:34:48Gods,

00:34:48gods,

00:34:49gods,

00:34:49freedom ain't free.

00:34:50You don't like it,

00:34:50go fuck yourself

00:34:51and all that.

00:34:53Then you got

00:34:53the giant pickup truck

00:34:55with the huge

00:34:55American flag

00:34:56hanging off the back.

00:34:58That's my favorite.

00:34:59The giant

00:35:00American flag

00:35:02off the back

00:35:02like we don't know

00:35:03what country we're in.

00:35:05Like,

00:35:06just in case you forgot,

00:35:08you're in America.

00:35:09Beep, beep.

00:35:12You know what's funny?

00:35:13Recently I did a gig

00:35:14up in Canada, right?

00:35:16We landed in Calgary

00:35:17and we're driving to the,

00:35:19me and Kenny

00:35:19are driving to the hotel

00:35:20and I saw a guy up there

00:35:21and he had a giant

00:35:22pickup truck

00:35:23with a giant Canadian flag

00:35:25hanging off the back

00:35:26and I was so relieved.

00:35:29You know?

00:35:30I was like,

00:35:30thank God.

00:35:31I thought only we

00:35:33had that fucking idiot

00:35:34in our country.

00:35:37Evidently,

00:35:38he's everywhere.

00:35:41Which is hilarious.

00:35:42to me

00:35:43because that means

00:35:43there's a guy

00:35:44in England right now

00:35:45with a giant

00:35:46British flag

00:35:47hanging off the back

00:35:48of a scooter

00:35:49just riding around

00:35:49like,

00:35:50right,

00:35:51you're in London

00:35:52you silly cunt.

00:35:54Meet me.

00:35:55Brexit,

00:35:55you fucking yank.

00:35:57Right?

00:36:02I don't know,

00:36:02that just blows my mind.

00:36:03You know,

00:36:03it's like,

00:36:04it's 2024.

00:36:05All of these people

00:36:06got in trouble,

00:36:07got canceled and shit.

00:36:09You know what I mean?

00:36:09Never came around

00:36:10to the Klan.

00:36:12none of those groups

00:36:15ever got canceled

00:36:16but if you said

00:36:16in 1992,

00:36:18hey,

00:36:18nice titties,

00:36:19comes back

00:36:20to bite you

00:36:20in the ass

00:36:2130 years later.

00:36:27That's the question

00:36:28I've been asking

00:36:28when I'm on the road.

00:36:29Like,

00:36:29why do you,

00:36:29here's a question I have.

00:36:30Why do you think

00:36:30the Klan,

00:36:31it's 2024,

00:36:32right?

00:36:32Why do you think

00:36:33the Klan

00:36:33still exists?

00:36:38Racist.

00:36:39Racist?

00:36:39I'm not saying

00:36:40what they are.

00:36:42Racist.

00:36:43Why do you think

00:36:44fat people exist?

00:36:45It ain't too much.

00:36:47Are they all

00:36:48going to be this easy?

00:36:52You know what

00:36:53the funniest answer

00:36:54I got?

00:36:54I go,

00:36:55why do you think

00:36:55people are still

00:36:56in the Klan?

00:36:582024.

00:36:58And some guy

00:36:59yelled out,

00:36:59he goes,

00:37:00something to do.

00:37:00You know,

00:37:06we all got our things.

00:37:08Some people

00:37:08are into bowling.

00:37:09Some people

00:37:10like to drop.

00:37:11Some people

00:37:12like to blow up

00:37:12churches with

00:37:13innocent people

00:37:14in there.

00:37:14I mean,

00:37:14it's all,

00:37:15you know,

00:37:16whatever your trip is.

00:37:20You know why

00:37:21they still exist?

00:37:23You know why,

00:37:24right?

00:37:24Some people go,

00:37:25well, you know,

00:37:25it's a First Amendment

00:37:26issue.

00:37:27It's a freedom of speech.

00:37:28We have this

00:37:28wonderful thing

00:37:29in this country.

00:37:30for white people

00:37:32only called

00:37:33freedom of speech.

00:37:35I mean,

00:37:36they have to be

00:37:36allowed to join

00:37:37these groups.

00:37:38They have to be

00:37:38allowed to march

00:37:40down the street

00:37:40with semi-automatic

00:37:41weapons,

00:37:43chanting the N-word,

00:37:44trying to create

00:37:45a race war

00:37:46on the Internet.

00:37:47Okay?

00:37:48They have to be

00:37:48allowed to do this.

00:37:49If they are not

00:37:50allowed to do this,

00:37:51it's a slippery slope.

00:37:52Next thing you know,

00:37:53there goes the

00:37:54town pool.

00:37:54So,

00:37:55you really have

00:37:56to be careful

00:37:56about censorship

00:37:58you name one

00:38:02other fucking

00:38:03race that can

00:38:03do that.

00:38:05Yeah,

00:38:06I'm telling you,

00:38:07the reason why

00:38:08they still fucking

00:38:09exist is because

00:38:11they don't fuck

00:38:11with white people.

00:38:12That's basically it.

00:38:13If they did

00:38:14to white people

00:38:15what the fuck

00:38:16they've done

00:38:16to black people,

00:38:17how long

00:38:17do you think

00:38:18that stupid

00:38:18fucking group

00:38:19would have been

00:38:19around?

00:38:21Maybe five weeks

00:38:22because it was

00:38:22the 1800s

00:38:23and it took a month

00:38:24to get across

00:38:25the state

00:38:25to get to

00:38:26those idiots

00:38:26and they would

00:38:27have mowed

00:38:28them down

00:38:28with the first

00:38:28machine gun

00:38:29that was the

00:38:29size of a

00:38:30fucking cannon.

00:38:32And that would

00:38:34have been

00:38:34fucking it.

00:38:37No,

00:38:38you don't believe me?

00:38:39Do you remember

00:38:399-11 when those

00:38:40brown people

00:38:41knocked down

00:38:41those two

00:38:42perfectly good

00:38:42white buildings?

00:38:44My people

00:38:45lost their minds.

00:38:47Kill all

00:38:47those motherfuckers!

00:38:49Block that

00:38:49whole side

00:38:50of the planet!

00:38:50Anybody with

00:38:51a brown shirt

00:38:51get a little

00:38:52fuck out of

00:38:52everybody!

00:38:52Yeah,

00:38:54the exact same

00:38:55people at the

00:38:56Klan of Proud

00:38:56Boys does

00:38:57some fucked

00:38:57up shit.

00:38:58What is the

00:38:58best we have?

00:39:00The most

00:39:00liberal of my

00:39:01people,

00:39:01what's the

00:39:01best we got?

00:39:02Oh my God,

00:39:03that's terrible!

00:39:06Can you

00:39:06believe that?

00:39:08What is

00:39:09wrong with

00:39:10people?

00:39:11I mean,

00:39:11I just

00:39:12don't get it.

00:39:14God.

00:39:19Aren't you

00:39:19guys watching

00:39:20Baby Reindeer?

00:39:21That is

00:39:21fucking

00:39:22amazing.

00:39:23No,

00:39:23you have

00:39:23to watch

00:39:24it.

00:39:24It is

00:39:25so good.

00:39:29That's

00:39:30why I

00:39:30fucking

00:39:31hate

00:39:31liberals.

00:39:33I do.

00:39:34I hate

00:39:35them.

00:39:36No,

00:39:37don't get

00:39:37excited.

00:39:38I fucking

00:39:38hate

00:39:38conservatives

00:39:39too,

00:39:39because

00:39:39you're

00:39:40all a

00:39:40bunch

00:39:40of

00:39:40fucking

00:39:40racists.

00:39:42All right?

00:39:43Now,

00:39:43I know

00:39:43that's a

00:39:44blanket

00:39:44statement,

00:39:45but I'm

00:39:45just trying

00:39:45to speak

00:39:46your

00:39:46language.

00:39:46what I

00:39:51fucking

00:39:52hate about

00:39:52liberals is

00:39:53you don't

00:39:53do shit

00:39:54other than

00:39:55covering your

00:39:55own ass

00:39:56with your

00:39:56dumb ass

00:39:57fucking

00:39:57signs.

00:39:59I hate

00:40:00that shit

00:40:00with the

00:40:01fuck.

00:40:01Remember,

00:40:01that was

00:40:01the worst.

00:40:02I was in

00:40:02Hollywood,

00:40:03you know,

00:40:03during the

00:40:03whole Black

00:40:03Lives Matter,

00:40:04and the white

00:40:05people putting

00:40:05like my

00:40:06people putting

00:40:06the fucking

00:40:06BLM

00:40:07signs.

00:40:07It wasn't

00:40:08even about

00:40:08black people.

00:40:09It was about

00:40:09that they

00:40:10were doing

00:40:10it.

00:40:10They were

00:40:10like

00:40:11Instagramming

00:40:11it,

00:40:12like,

00:40:12you know,

00:40:12I just

00:40:14couldn't

00:40:14remain silent,

00:40:15you know.

00:40:16I had to

00:40:17speak truth

00:40:18to power,

00:40:19you know.

00:40:21You would

00:40:21think they

00:40:21weren't the

00:40:21Marines or

00:40:22something.

00:40:22It's like

00:40:22you haven't

00:40:23even left

00:40:23your fucking

00:40:24apartment.

00:40:25I had to

00:40:27do it.

00:40:28I took

00:40:29one piece

00:40:30of Xerox

00:40:30paper that

00:40:31I paid

00:40:32for,

00:40:33wrote BLM

00:40:34on it,

00:40:35and took

00:40:35two pieces

00:40:36of double-sided

00:40:37tape I

00:40:38usually use

00:40:39to hold

00:40:39my titties

00:40:40up,

00:40:40and I

00:40:40stuck it

00:40:41in the

00:40:41window.

00:40:43And I

00:40:43was like,

00:40:44there you

00:40:44go,

00:40:44black

00:40:45people.

00:40:46Enjoy

00:40:46your new

00:40:47freedom.

00:40:50What?

00:40:51It's just,

00:40:51I had to

00:40:52do it.

00:40:52It was

00:40:53how I

00:40:53was raised,

00:40:54you know.

00:40:54I come

00:40:55from a

00:40:55long line

00:40:56of progressive

00:40:57liberals.

00:40:58In fact,

00:40:58my great-great-great

00:40:59grandmother

00:41:00was in

00:41:00Berlin,

00:41:01Germany

00:41:01in 1939,

00:41:03and she

00:41:03had a

00:41:04knock-it-off

00:41:04Nazi sign

00:41:05in the

00:41:05window.

00:41:07And let

00:41:07me tell

00:41:07you something,

00:41:08that was

00:41:08the end

00:41:09of those

00:41:09shenanigans.

00:41:11A lot

00:41:12of people

00:41:12thought it

00:41:13was the

00:41:13bravery

00:41:14of the

00:41:14Allied

00:41:15troops.

00:41:15No,

00:41:15it was

00:41:16not.

00:41:16It was

00:41:16my

00:41:17grandmother's

00:41:17persnickety

00:41:18side.

00:41:25No,

00:41:26liberals,

00:41:27you've got to

00:41:27get over your

00:41:27fear of the

00:41:28gun.

00:41:28That's what's

00:41:28going to

00:41:29turn this

00:41:29country around.

00:41:31You've got to

00:41:31embrace guns.

00:41:33Okay?

00:41:34They're not

00:41:34going anywhere.

00:41:35You'd have a

00:41:35better chance

00:41:36of getting rid

00:41:36of cheeseburgers

00:41:37than you are

00:41:38of getting rid

00:41:38of guns.

00:41:39I don't

00:41:41know if

00:41:41you've ever

00:41:42read the

00:41:42history of

00:41:42this country.

00:41:43It's not

00:41:43what they

00:41:44say it

00:41:44was.

00:41:44All right?

00:41:46This is

00:41:46gangs in

00:41:47New York.

00:41:47Okay?

00:41:50We came

00:41:51here,

00:41:51there was

00:41:51other people

00:41:52here,

00:41:52and then

00:41:52there weren't.

00:41:53Right?

00:41:54And then,

00:41:55there was

00:41:55work to be

00:41:56done,

00:41:56we didn't

00:41:56want to do

00:41:57it,

00:41:57and then

00:41:57we brought

00:41:58other people

00:41:58in,

00:41:59and now

00:41:59this shit

00:41:59happened,

00:42:00and then

00:42:00they got

00:42:00let go,

00:42:01and now

00:42:01we're out.

00:42:02A lot

00:42:02of shit

00:42:02happened.

00:42:03Okay?

00:42:03So people

00:42:04are strapped

00:42:04because you

00:42:07don't know

00:42:07what's going

00:42:09to stop

00:42:09the guns.

00:42:10I'm going

00:42:10to make

00:42:11a sign,

00:42:11stop the

00:42:12guns.

00:42:13Right?

00:42:15No,

00:42:16embrace

00:42:16them.

00:42:18Level the

00:42:18playing field

00:42:19out.

00:42:19That's what's

00:42:19going to stop

00:42:20these hate

00:42:20groups,

00:42:20I think,

00:42:21anyways.

00:42:22Because they're

00:42:22not afraid,

00:42:23because they're

00:42:23armed and

00:42:23you're nuts.

00:42:24So basically,

00:42:24what's going

00:42:25to turn this

00:42:25country around

00:42:26is the day

00:42:27a vegan

00:42:28beta male

00:42:29with a

00:42:32man bun

00:42:33does a

00:42:33drive-by in

00:42:34a Prius

00:42:35at a Klan

00:42:35rally and

00:42:36exposes them

00:42:37for the

00:42:37faggots they

00:42:38really are.

00:42:39nothing's

00:42:41going to

00:42:42happen.

00:42:47I know

00:42:47I said

00:42:48faggots,

00:42:48but I was

00:42:49worried I

00:42:49was getting

00:42:49too

00:42:50preachy.

00:42:50You know

00:42:50what I

00:42:50mean?

00:42:51I don't want

00:42:52you to feel

00:42:52like I'm

00:42:53not dirty

00:42:53too.

00:43:00You know

00:43:00what's funny?

00:43:01My wife

00:43:01got me to

00:43:02stop saying

00:43:02that word,

00:43:03right?

00:43:03like the

00:43:052000s.

00:43:06She got me

00:43:06to stop

00:43:06saying the

00:43:07word.

00:43:07I swear to

00:43:07God,

00:43:07this is a

00:43:08true story.

00:43:09I was

00:43:09driving back.

00:43:10I was in

00:43:10LA and I

00:43:11had her on

00:43:11speakerphone.

00:43:12I had a

00:43:12good set and

00:43:12everything.

00:43:13So I was

00:43:13psyched and I

00:43:13was talking to

00:43:14her and making

00:43:14her laugh and

00:43:15shit.

00:43:16You know,

00:43:16I'm driving

00:43:16and this is

00:43:17the hilarious

00:43:18thing is I'm

00:43:18driving a Prius,

00:43:19right?

00:43:21And the

00:43:22Prius, the

00:43:222008, had

00:43:23like this

00:43:23two-inch

00:43:24metal on

00:43:25either side

00:43:26that was like

00:43:27a blind spot.

00:43:27If you went

00:43:28to take a

00:43:28left and if

00:43:29there was

00:43:29somebody in the

00:43:29crosswalk and

00:43:30they fucking

00:43:31lined up with

00:43:31the thing,

00:43:32okay, you

00:43:33wouldn't see

00:43:33them and they

00:43:34get run over

00:43:34by this little

00:43:35doorstop of a

00:43:36car, right?

00:43:37So wouldn't

00:43:37you know it,

00:43:38that night I'm

00:43:39going down the

00:43:40street in my

00:43:41Prius and I'm

00:43:42making my wife

00:43:43laugh and I go

00:43:44to make a

00:43:44left, Hollywood

00:43:45and La Brea,

00:43:45never forget it,

00:43:46and this guy was

00:43:47lined up and at

00:43:47the last second I

00:43:48saw him, almost

00:43:49ran him over and

00:43:50I swerved out of

00:43:50the way and

00:43:51stomped on the

00:43:51brakes and the

00:43:52guy of course

00:43:52turned around and

00:43:53he goes, you

00:43:53fucking asshole,

00:43:54why don't you

00:43:54look when the

00:43:55fuck you're

00:43:55driving, Jesus

00:43:56Christ, fucking

00:43:57wake up, he's

00:43:57screaming at me and

00:43:58I put the window

00:43:59down, I was

00:43:59trying to explain

00:44:00him, I'm sorry

00:44:00I didn't see you,

00:44:01there's like a

00:44:01two inch thing and

00:44:02you will line up,

00:44:03he goes, what the

00:44:03fuck, you almost

00:44:03ran out of my

00:44:04fucking foot and

00:44:04he's screaming

00:44:05me, I'm trying to

00:44:06explain myself and

00:44:07he kept fucking

00:44:07yelling at me and

00:44:08he wouldn't listen

00:44:09and I finally just

00:44:10snapped, I was

00:44:10like, ah, with

00:44:11your tight pants,

00:44:12you fucking

00:44:12faggot, right?

00:44:15So my wife flips

00:44:17out, she's like,

00:44:18Bill, you cannot

00:44:19say that anymore,

00:44:20right?

00:44:21And what was funny

00:44:22was the guy

00:44:23actually laughed,

00:44:24right?

00:44:24I swear to God,

00:44:26like he threw his

00:44:27head back and he

00:44:28really like laughed

00:44:29and to this day,

00:44:30I don't know why,

00:44:31like, was he

00:44:32laughing because he

00:44:33was a little fat?

00:44:34Was his pants

00:44:35getting a little

00:44:36tight?

00:44:36Was it around the

00:44:37holidays?

00:44:38Or was it just

00:44:38funny to see a

00:44:39bald ginger in a

00:44:41Prius call him

00:44:42that word?

00:44:42I don't know what

00:44:43it was, but he got

00:44:45a huge laugh out of

00:44:46it and that word

00:44:49actually ended the

00:44:50argument between the

00:44:53two of us, so.

00:44:54But my wife broke

00:44:55it down to me.

00:44:56She goes, you

00:44:56can't say that

00:44:57word, it's a

00:44:57really hurtful

00:44:58word, and I was

00:44:58like, all right,

00:44:58well, I don't

00:44:59want to be an

00:44:59asshole.

00:45:00So, you know,

00:45:01it took a while,

00:45:02but I stopped,

00:45:03and, you know,

00:45:04but there's like,

00:45:05you know, they

00:45:05never gave you

00:45:06like a replacement

00:45:07word, like this

00:45:08phantom limb

00:45:10syndrome here.

00:45:12It's like, what do

00:45:13you call somebody

00:45:14who cuts you off

00:45:15in traffic and

00:45:16then you pull up

00:45:17in a red light

00:45:17and they don't

00:45:18have the decency

00:45:18to look at you

00:45:19because you're

00:45:20fucking screaming

00:45:20at your window?

00:45:21What do you

00:45:21call them?

00:45:24It's the

00:45:24alliteration.

00:45:26Fucking, it

00:45:27just, oh, it

00:45:28just, it just

00:45:28gets it out of

00:45:30you.

00:45:35You know what's

00:45:36funny is I

00:45:37don't own a gun,

00:45:38but I fucking

00:45:38love them.

00:45:40I do.

00:45:40Like, if I'm

00:45:41walking down the

00:45:41street and I see

00:45:42a gun store, I

00:45:43gotta go in and

00:45:43look at them.

00:45:44I do.

00:45:44But I'm not into

00:45:45like the semi-automatic

00:45:46weapon.

00:45:46That's for people

00:45:47that suck at

00:45:47shooting, you know

00:45:48what I mean?

00:45:48like how many

00:45:49fucking attempts

00:45:50there he is

00:45:52at the

00:45:53working.

00:45:56Those should

00:45:56be, you should

00:45:56get six shots,

00:45:57all right?

00:45:58You can't get the

00:45:59fucking job done.

00:46:00That's it.

00:46:01You're done, right?

00:46:03No, I like them.

00:46:04I like the

00:46:05revolvers and all

00:46:06that old school

00:46:06shit I saw in the

00:46:07cop movies when I

00:46:08was growing up.

00:46:08I like all of

00:46:09those guns, but

00:46:10guns also scare me

00:46:11because I feel like

00:46:12guns are kind of

00:46:13like guitars, you

00:46:15know?

00:46:15Like almost every

00:46:16house has one,

00:46:17but not really

00:46:18anybody's that good

00:46:19at it, you know?

00:46:21Just kind of over

00:46:22in the corner

00:46:23collecting dust, you

00:46:25know?

00:46:25And I get with

00:46:26guitar how you get

00:46:27better.

00:46:27You play two, three

00:46:28hours a day.

00:46:29I don't get, how

00:46:30do you get better

00:46:31at shooting?

00:46:32Like how do you

00:46:33practice?

00:46:35Gun range.

00:46:36They always say

00:46:36that the gun range,

00:46:37that's not practicing.

00:46:39It's a total

00:46:39controlled environment.

00:46:41You go down there

00:46:42and you put on your

00:46:43little headset, got to

00:46:44protect my hearing.

00:46:45I wouldn't want my

00:46:46ears to go ringy

00:46:47ding ding.

00:46:48And then you lay

00:46:49out all your bullets,

00:46:51little charcuterie

00:46:52board.

00:46:52I have my weapon

00:46:53pointed down your

00:46:54fucking thing.

00:46:55And now it's time

00:46:56for the target.

00:46:58Then you sit there

00:47:01and you lay.

00:47:02A poo.

00:47:04A poo poo.

00:47:06A poo.

00:47:07A poo.

00:47:09Oh, center mass.

00:47:10I'm going to hang

00:47:11that in my house so

00:47:12everybody sees what

00:47:13a badass I am.

00:47:15That's not practicing.

00:47:17You want to practice?

00:47:18Have somebody wake

00:47:19you up at three

00:47:19in the morning when

00:47:20you're wearing nothing

00:47:20but your pajama bottoms

00:47:22and they throw you

00:47:23in the garage.

00:47:24There's a baby,

00:47:25a rattlesnake,

00:47:26and a fucking bear

00:47:27and your wife's

00:47:28flipping the lights

00:47:28boning off going,

00:47:29do something,

00:47:30do something,

00:47:31do something,

00:47:31do something.

00:47:32That is practicing.

00:47:35Yeah.

00:47:36I feel like that's

00:47:37how it's going to go

00:47:38down.

00:47:39I don't know shit

00:47:40about it,

00:47:40but I got a good

00:47:41feeling that,

00:47:41you know,

00:47:42the day somebody

00:47:42breaks into your

00:47:43house,

00:47:44gun owners,

00:47:45they're not going

00:47:45to come in

00:47:46like this.

00:47:50You know,

00:47:51they're not going

00:47:52to be like peeking

00:47:52around the corner

00:47:53and then just go,

00:47:54do, do, do.

00:48:03Anyway.

00:48:05Yeah.

00:48:05So I have learned

00:48:07a lot about myself

00:48:07over the last few

00:48:08years.

00:48:08You know what I mean?

00:48:09I had to quit drinking,

00:48:10and you know,

00:48:11I never thought

00:48:11I'd have a problem

00:48:12with that shit,

00:48:13you know,

00:48:13because when I grew

00:48:13up, right,

00:48:14you know,

00:48:14the shit was so

00:48:15different when we

00:48:16were growing up.

00:48:17Like, even like

00:48:18gay people.

00:48:19Like, the way it

00:48:20was thought was

00:48:20there was like

00:48:21three gay people

00:48:22in Massachusetts

00:48:23and the rest of

00:48:24them were in

00:48:25San Francisco,

00:48:26right?

00:48:32Everything was

00:48:33fucked up,

00:48:33right?

00:48:34Like addiction,

00:48:35it was either like

00:48:35either you have

00:48:36the addictive gene

00:48:37or you don't.

00:48:38and it's like,

00:48:38no.

00:48:39What I kind of

00:48:39learned is fucking

00:48:40everything is sort

00:48:41of a spectrum,

00:48:42right?

00:48:43Not just autism,

00:48:44you know?

00:48:48I'm sick of words

00:48:49getting hijacked,

00:48:50all right?

00:48:50When I was a kid,

00:48:51like, the spectrum

00:48:52was the color spectrum.

00:48:54Dr. J and the 76ers

00:48:56played in an arena

00:48:57called the spectrum,

00:48:59right?

00:48:59So the first time

00:49:00somebody said to me,

00:49:02hey, my kid's

00:49:02on the spectrum,

00:49:03I'm thinking,

00:49:04no, he isn't.

00:49:05they tore that

00:49:06shit down in 2010.

00:49:07I don't know what

00:49:08you're talking about.

00:49:09You need to elaborate.

00:49:10Just say he has autism

00:49:12so I can fucking

00:49:13catch up, all right?

00:49:14I don't speak

00:49:16the jargon here.

00:49:17So I think everything

00:49:18is like a spectrum,

00:49:19okay?

00:49:19Well, we'll start

00:49:20with my drinking,

00:49:21right?

00:49:21So I, you know,

00:49:22when I was growing up,

00:49:23either you are a fucking

00:49:24algae or you aren't

00:49:25and it isn't,

00:49:26okay?

00:49:27There's all of this.

00:49:28So we'll say this

00:49:29right here is full-on

00:49:30addiction.

00:49:30This is literally

00:49:31sucking dick

00:49:32behind a donut shop.

00:49:3511.30 in the morning

00:49:36on a Tuesday

00:49:37for a fucking 12-pack.

00:49:38Not even a case,

00:49:39a 12-pack

00:49:40in jean shorts

00:49:42and a half shirt,

00:49:42right?

00:49:43And then this over here,

00:49:45this is like a teetotaler.

00:49:46Like, you know,

00:49:47I tried alcohol

00:49:47and I didn't like it.

00:49:48It just, you know,

00:49:49I've always been

00:49:50into books, you know?

00:49:51That's been my drugs,

00:49:53you know?

00:49:53I like a good book,

00:49:55right?

00:49:56And I'll tell you,

00:49:57when you see me

00:49:58reading that book,

00:49:59I am not,

00:49:59I am in that book

00:50:00and I am taking

00:50:01that journey, right?

00:50:02But there's all

00:50:05fucking this.

00:50:06Like, my drinking

00:50:06got like all the way,

00:50:08I realized I couldn't

00:50:09have it in the house.

00:50:09That's what it was.

00:50:10I just like consumed it

00:50:11and then I fucking,

00:50:11I got all the way

00:50:12to like right here,

00:50:13right?

00:50:14I mean,

00:50:14I wasn't sucking dick

00:50:15but the donut shop

00:50:16was over the horizon.

00:50:18The donut shop

00:50:19was in view

00:50:20and I was like,

00:50:21what am I doing?

00:50:22You know what I mean?

00:50:23I like,

00:50:23I couldn't fucking

00:50:24stop it.

00:50:26Then I thought

00:50:26I was an alcoholic

00:50:27so I went to like

00:50:28an AA meeting,

00:50:29you know?

00:50:29and the people

00:50:30were telling

00:50:30their stories

00:50:31and after a couple

00:50:32people sharing

00:50:32I was just going

00:50:33like,

00:50:33all right,

00:50:34you know,

00:50:35I drink

00:50:35but these people,

00:50:36Jesus,

00:50:37Jesus Christ.

00:50:41I mean,

00:50:41they were animals,

00:50:42yellow fingers

00:50:43still smoking,

00:50:45chowing down pastries

00:50:46and they're like,

00:50:47Bill,

00:50:48would you like

00:50:48to go up

00:50:48and share

00:50:49some of your stories?

00:50:50I was like,

00:50:50I can't fucking

00:50:51follow that.

00:50:53I had three tall bourbons

00:50:55and fell asleep

00:50:56to the Rockford Files.

00:50:57I don't think

00:50:57that's going to

00:50:58follow this guy.

00:50:59you know?

00:51:02Missing teeth

00:51:02and selling his ass

00:51:03in the street.

00:51:04I can't,

00:51:05I can't follow that,

00:51:06right?

00:51:08But there was

00:51:08something going on

00:51:09so I just realized,

00:51:10you know,

00:51:10like I can't have

00:51:11this shit in the house.

00:51:12It's in the house,

00:51:13I'm going to fucking

00:51:14consume it.

00:51:14Alcohol,

00:51:15even cookies.

00:51:15I tell my wife,

00:51:16get the cookies

00:51:17out of the fucking house,

00:51:18especially Oreos.

00:51:20I'm going to eat

00:51:20a whole fucking sleeve

00:51:21and she says,

00:51:22well,

00:51:22why can't you

00:51:23just eat one?

00:51:24It's like,

00:51:24do you even pay attention

00:51:25to who you're married to?

00:51:27I can't.

00:51:28I'll eat the whole

00:51:29fucking sleeve

00:51:29and then I won't

00:51:30even brush my teeth

00:51:31so I'll have that

00:51:32sugar morphine drip

00:51:33like coming down

00:51:34the back of my throat

00:51:35and all these crazy

00:51:36fucking Keebler elf

00:51:38dreams or whatever.

00:51:40Get it out

00:51:40of the fucking house.

00:51:41That's what I need

00:51:42to do,

00:51:43right?

00:51:43That's what I learned.

00:51:44like I have no desire

00:51:45to do heroin

00:51:46whatsoever.

00:51:47However,

00:51:47if it was in my house

00:51:49long enough

00:51:49and the right set

00:51:51of circumstances

00:51:52came along,

00:51:55maybe I talked

00:51:56to my dad

00:51:56that day

00:51:57on the phone,

00:51:57tried to get

00:51:58a fucking word in,

00:51:59maybe there,

00:51:59you know what,

00:52:00maybe I'll fucking,

00:52:01we'll see what

00:52:03this is all about,

00:52:04you know?

00:52:04I'll use one of those

00:52:05spoons that went

00:52:06down the garbage disposal.

00:52:07No one will give a shit,

00:52:08I'll light it up,

00:52:09I'll nod off

00:52:10in the living room,

00:52:11fall on the L-shaped couch,

00:52:13you know?

00:52:13So,

00:52:14whatever.

00:52:16I have learned that.

00:52:17I've learned a lot

00:52:17of things in life,

00:52:18you know?

00:52:19Like here's one I learned,

00:52:20you know,

00:52:21there's a very small

00:52:22window in life

00:52:23to beat the shit

00:52:23out of your dad,

00:52:24you know?

00:52:30You think you got

00:52:32a lot more time

00:52:33than you do.

00:52:33You don't.

00:52:35It's sort of like

00:52:35ages 15

00:52:37to about 17,

00:52:38you know?

00:52:38if you try to do it

00:52:40before 15,

00:52:42you're not man enough

00:52:42to get the job done

00:52:44and then you lose

00:52:45and then he just

00:52:46psychologically has

00:52:47the advantage.

00:52:48But if you do it

00:52:48after 17,

00:52:50now you're just

00:52:50beating up an old man,

00:52:52you know?

00:52:52You see his anchor tattoo,

00:52:54you're like,

00:52:54ah, fuck,

00:52:54he was in the Navy,

00:52:56Jesus Christ,

00:52:56I'm beating up a veteran.

00:52:58Ah, man,

00:52:58I feel like a piece

00:52:59of shit here,

00:53:00you know?

00:53:06Alright,

00:53:07here's another one

00:53:08for you.

00:53:08I didn't think

00:53:08I was homophobic,

00:53:09right?

00:53:11I didn't.

00:53:16I'm not saying

00:53:16I'm not.

00:53:17I'm just saying

00:53:18I didn't think

00:53:18I was.

00:53:21No,

00:53:21because I didn't

00:53:22have a problem,

00:53:22like,

00:53:23I don't have a problem

00:53:23with it,

00:53:24I have a problem,

00:53:25you know,

00:53:25them getting married

00:53:26or any of that shit

00:53:27and I thought

00:53:27it was totally natural.

00:53:29I was just like,

00:53:29that's just like

00:53:30how you're born

00:53:31and when people

00:53:32would be like,

00:53:32oh, no,

00:53:32it's a choice.

00:53:33They're choosing

00:53:34to be gay.

00:53:34I love when somebody

00:53:35said that.

00:53:36like, okay,

00:53:36let's say it's a choice,

00:53:37then that would mean

00:53:38being straight

00:53:39is a choice,

00:53:40right?

00:53:41So,

00:53:42that would mean

00:53:42that you,

00:53:43at some point,

00:53:45hypothetically,

00:53:46had a dick

00:53:47and a pussy

00:53:48on the table

00:53:49and had a choice

00:53:50to make,

00:53:51right?

00:53:51You were sitting

00:53:51there,

00:53:52all right,

00:53:52which way

00:53:52am I going

00:53:53to go?

00:53:56Well,

00:53:56let's see.

00:53:58This one hurts

00:53:59more,

00:54:00but I get

00:54:00to keep

00:54:01my house.

00:54:02And then

00:54:02this one

00:54:03over here

00:54:04feels amazing,

00:54:06but everything

00:54:06seems to disappear

00:54:08down into it.

00:54:09I mean,

00:54:09this is a coin flip.

00:54:10As far as I'm certain,

00:54:12this is a coin flip.

00:54:13Straight edge,

00:54:14Geronimo,

00:54:14right?

00:54:15So,

00:54:17I realized,

00:54:18I found out

00:54:18I was homophobic

00:54:19when I fucked up

00:54:20my back

00:54:21and I went into

00:54:21this massage parlor

00:54:22to have somebody

00:54:23work on me

00:54:24and they said,

00:54:24this is your first time here?

00:54:25I said,

00:54:25yeah.

00:54:25They go,

00:54:26all right,

00:54:26do you prefer

00:54:27a male or a female masseuse?

00:54:29And I,

00:54:30like,

00:54:30recoiled,

00:54:30like,

00:54:31bleh,

00:54:31like,

00:54:31ugh.

00:54:35Like,

00:54:36I want a woman.

00:54:36What the fuck

00:54:37are you asking me?

00:54:38I don't want some

00:54:38man,

00:54:39I didn't even

00:54:40picture a man.

00:54:41I just saw

00:54:41a male arm

00:54:42from here down to here

00:54:43with black hair

00:54:45with,

00:54:46like,

00:54:46grease on it

00:54:47just coming up

00:54:48my back

00:54:48going,

00:54:49okay,

00:54:49just breathe,

00:54:50just breathe.

00:54:51I'm like,

00:54:51ah!

00:54:52It feels better,

00:54:53you fixed it!

00:54:54Get me the fuck

00:54:55out of here!

00:54:57Yeah,

00:54:58so,

00:54:58like,

00:54:58I like just the image

00:54:59of that.

00:55:00I,

00:55:00like,

00:55:00fucking recoiled

00:55:01and I was like,

00:55:02I was almost,

00:55:03like,

00:55:03defensive.

00:55:03I was like,

00:55:04no,

00:55:04I want a woman,

00:55:04right?

00:55:05And then,

00:55:05you know,

00:55:06the way I look,

00:55:06I probably,

00:55:07in my age,

00:55:07I look like some creep

00:55:08that was looking

00:55:09for a fucking happy ending.

00:55:10You know,

00:55:10you can't be in there,

00:55:11like,

00:55:11no matter how I said it,

00:55:12it came off like,

00:55:13yeah,

00:55:13I want a woman,

00:55:14I want a body,

00:55:15I want a fucking gay

00:55:16thing to win,

00:55:18you know?

00:55:21Yeah,

00:55:22thinking I'm looking

00:55:22for a happy ending,

00:55:23you know,

00:55:24which I wasn't,

00:55:24but,

00:55:24you know,

00:55:25I will say,

00:55:26I do have issue

00:55:26with them calling it

00:55:27a full body massage.

00:55:30It's like,

00:55:30it's not a full body massage,

00:55:31it's everything but,

00:55:33you know what I mean?

00:55:34And then it's weird,

00:55:35then you walk out of there,

00:55:36your whole body's relaxing,

00:55:37you're just dragging your nuts

00:55:38down the fucking street,

00:55:39and that doesn't feel,

00:55:41it feels weird.

00:55:45And I know what you guys

00:55:46are thinking,

00:55:46you probably think,

00:55:47oh Bill,

00:55:47why don't you just rub one out

00:55:48before you go to the masseuse?

00:55:50It's like,

00:55:50because I won't make

00:55:50the appointment,

00:55:51all right?

00:55:52I'm going to fall asleep

00:55:53upright in the chair

00:55:54and then my neck's

00:55:54going to be fucked up

00:55:55and my back,

00:55:56now I've got two problems.

00:55:59It would be great

00:56:00if they legalized it though,

00:56:02you know what I mean?

00:56:02It'd be fantastic,

00:56:03you just have like

00:56:03a regular masseuse in there,

00:56:05you know?

00:56:06You've got to have

00:56:06the real masseuse

00:56:07at the beginning,

00:56:08right?

00:56:08Because whores don't

00:56:09give a good back rub,

00:56:10you know?

00:56:12A real masseuse

00:56:13gives an incredible back rub,

00:56:14but a terrible hand job,

00:56:15like most women,

00:56:16terrible hand job.

00:56:19Most women,

00:56:20terrible fucking hand job,

00:56:21not even trying

00:56:21to get better at it either,

00:56:22by the way,

00:56:23like the skill set.

00:56:25Like,

00:56:25you ever get this one,

00:56:26the three fingertips,

00:56:27do you ever get this?

00:56:29It's like,

00:56:29what are we doing here?

00:56:30Are we waiting

00:56:30for the next lunar eclipse?

00:56:31I never thought

00:56:36I'd say this,

00:56:37this is just fucking annoying.

00:56:38You're just like annoying,

00:56:38why don't you just

00:56:39flick the head

00:56:39of my fucking dick

00:56:40while you're at it?

00:56:41What are you doing?

00:56:42All right?

00:56:42You're supposed to be

00:56:43simulating penetration.

00:56:45All right?

00:56:45More pressure going down,

00:56:47less pressure going up,

00:56:48add a twist,

00:56:49add a twist,

00:56:50it'll be over in 18 seconds.

00:56:51No guy has ever had

00:56:52a woman helicoptering

00:56:53up and down

00:56:54his fucking dick.

00:56:55It's going to be over

00:56:55immediately,

00:56:56right?

00:56:59Oh,

00:56:59it'd be fantastic.

00:57:01I would run a massage parlor

00:57:02like that,

00:57:03like a baseball manager.

00:57:04I'd have the real masseuse

00:57:05go in,

00:57:05eat up about eight innings,

00:57:07and then I'd take the lube.

00:57:08All right,

00:57:08you're done.

00:57:08You did a great job.

00:57:09Then you're bringing

00:57:09the lefty.

00:57:10All right,

00:57:11let's get in here,

00:57:11right?

00:57:12And she comes in,

00:57:15gives you a hand job

00:57:16better than 90%

00:57:17of the blow jobs

00:57:18you ever got in your life.

00:57:19Then you walk out of there,

00:57:20your body's loose,

00:57:21your balls are empty,

00:57:22you can hear your wife's voice again,

00:57:24and everything's good.

00:57:27You're more agreeable.

00:57:29Fantastic.

00:57:31I don't know.

00:57:34What are you going to do?

00:57:35So,

00:57:35anyway,

00:57:36you know,

00:57:36there's a big thing out there.

00:57:37I want to let you guys know

00:57:38this shit,

00:57:38where it's just like,

00:57:39you know,

00:57:39they try to make you feel,

00:57:40all these fucking apps,

00:57:41they make you feel bad

00:57:42about aging,

00:57:43and all of these people

00:57:44are getting like

00:57:45plastic surgery now.

00:57:46I'm telling you,

00:57:46you don't need to do it,

00:57:47okay?

00:57:48You're going to fucking die.

00:57:50All right?

00:57:55That's Generation X,

00:57:56my generation,

00:57:57they're 50s,

00:57:58taking testosterone shit,

00:57:59posting before and after pictures

00:58:01on the internet,

00:58:01it's hilarious.

00:58:02Shirtless,

00:58:03like trying to attract women.

00:58:06And it's funny,

00:58:07they look good,

00:58:07they look like Rambo here,

00:58:08but in the neck,

00:58:09you see the divorce,

00:58:10the bad relationship

00:58:11with the kids,

00:58:13the dreams that didn't work out,

00:58:14the fucking HOA

00:58:16that made you tear down

00:58:16that porch

00:58:17that you didn't have

00:58:18the fucking,

00:58:18the permit for,

00:58:21or whatever the fuck

00:58:21it was that you did,

00:58:22you know?

00:58:25Do you realize

00:58:26how much you don't get life

00:58:27if you're still trying

00:58:28to bang broads

00:58:29in your 50s?

00:58:31Dude,

00:58:31at my age,

00:58:33like,

00:58:33eight hours sleep

00:58:34is the new pussy.

00:58:36That's it.

00:58:38Yeah.

00:58:39Eight hours

00:58:40uninterrupted.

00:58:41There's nothing better

00:58:42than that.

00:58:42Meaning,

00:58:43I wake up

00:58:44when I want to wake up,

00:58:45you know what I mean?

00:58:46I don't have somebody

00:58:46in my ear like,

00:58:47okay,

00:58:47the kids have practice today,

00:58:49you need to go downstairs

00:58:49making some breakfast,

00:58:50I gotta get the car washed.

00:58:51just waking up

00:58:55when I want to wake up.

00:58:57It's just,

00:58:57it's just,

00:58:58it's fucking amazing.

00:58:59So,

00:58:59I don't know.

00:59:00I might be weird,

00:59:01but I think the job

00:59:02of an older person

00:59:03is you're supposed

00:59:04to help out younger people.

00:59:05You're not supposed

00:59:06to try and fuck them.

00:59:07Right?

00:59:12Slow applause.

00:59:13You know,

00:59:14I mean,

00:59:15the legal aid

00:59:16is deeper,

00:59:16deeper,

00:59:17dude.

00:59:21I'm that old guy

00:59:24that acts like

00:59:25he figured everything out,

00:59:26you know?

00:59:26I'm that old guy

00:59:26that acts like

00:59:27he figured everything out,

00:59:28you know?

00:59:28So,

00:59:28I always give young

00:59:29people advice.

00:59:30Okay,

00:59:30I always tell women,

00:59:31right?

00:59:31I'll be like,

00:59:32you know,

00:59:32okay,

00:59:32here's one for you.

00:59:33If you're on a date

00:59:34with a guy

00:59:34at any point

00:59:35during the evening,

00:59:35if he cracks his own neck,

00:59:37just get out of the relationship

00:59:38right then or there.

00:59:41All right?

00:59:41He's a fucking meathead

00:59:42and he's gonna put

00:59:43meathead babies in you

00:59:44and they're gonna drive

00:59:45tow trucks

00:59:46and they're never gonna

00:59:47own the company.

00:59:48Okay?

00:59:48That's what it is.

00:59:49All right?

00:59:54Look for the red flags.

00:59:56Okay?

00:59:56Little guy,

00:59:57big watch.

00:59:58Major red flag.

01:00:00Nothing wrong

01:00:01with the little guy

01:00:02but that little guy

01:00:03with that fucking,

01:00:04maybe he has a rap album,

01:00:05fucking giant watch

01:00:07walking around

01:00:07making all this noise.

01:00:10For some reason

01:00:11you find him adorable

01:00:13so you agree

01:00:13to go out with them

01:00:14and then he pulls up

01:00:15to the date

01:00:15and that giant truck

01:00:16and that magic step

01:00:17appears

01:00:18so he doesn't fall

01:00:19to his death

01:00:19and the next thing

01:00:21you know

01:00:21you're in a fucking

01:00:22relationship with him

01:00:23and one day

01:00:24you have a huge fight

01:00:25with him

01:00:26and he storms out

01:00:26and you watch him

01:00:27waddle down the front yard

01:00:28and then you're upstairs

01:00:30crying as you're

01:00:31folding his little pants

01:00:32and then it finally

01:00:35dawns on you.

01:00:36I could have the exact

01:00:36same problems

01:00:37with the full-sized man.

01:00:40For three years

01:00:41I didn't feel safe

01:00:42when he held me.

01:00:45It's like I found

01:00:45a hairy eight-year-old

01:00:47at the mall, right?

01:00:52Ladies, if you have

01:00:53a girlfriend

01:00:54and she has like

01:00:55a sweatshirt

01:00:55that says namaste

01:00:56on it

01:00:57she's a cunt.

01:00:58Like, how do you

01:01:00not see that?

01:01:01How?

01:01:02Why would you think

01:01:04that she's spiritual?

01:01:05I just don't

01:01:05you shouldn't have

01:01:07to advertise

01:01:07that you're spiritual.

01:01:09You should sense it.

01:01:11Namaste.

01:01:11This is just how

01:01:12I choose

01:01:13to live my life.

01:01:14You know?

01:01:15She's one of those people

01:01:16you know,

01:01:16who goes on Instagram

01:01:17and goes out

01:01:18into nature

01:01:19with a bathing suit

01:01:20up her ass

01:01:20and does like

01:01:21the fucking hard hands

01:01:22with like advice.

01:01:24Guys, don't forget

01:01:25to take time

01:01:27for yourself

01:01:28when you're

01:01:28fucking gathering

01:01:30your knowledge

01:01:31and your journey.

01:01:32if I was a dictator

01:01:35that's one of the

01:01:35first groups of people

01:01:36that I would eliminate.

01:01:37Anybody that

01:01:38fucking did that

01:01:39and then right after that

01:01:41would be anybody

01:01:42who tried to do

01:01:43the hard hands

01:01:44but were too stupid

01:01:45so it looked like

01:01:45a grilled cheese sandwich.

01:01:47You ever see?

01:01:48Okay, Tabitha

01:01:49see you later.

01:01:50It's just like

01:01:51Alright, so I gave

01:01:56women some advice.

01:01:58Alright?

01:02:00Here's some

01:02:00for the guys.

01:02:01Guys, if you're

01:02:02dating a woman

01:02:03who's always cold.

01:02:05Alright?

01:02:06And I don't mean here

01:02:06the vitals.

01:02:07I mean the feet,

01:02:08the hands,

01:02:08the fingers,

01:02:09the extremities.

01:02:10Almost as if

01:02:10her heart isn't

01:02:11strong enough

01:02:12to fucking

01:02:12pump the blood out.

01:02:15You know those women?

01:02:16No matter what

01:02:17month of the year

01:02:17they're fucking cold.

01:02:19Every sleeve they have

01:02:20fucking hangs down

01:02:21to here.

01:02:22You just see

01:02:22like two fingernails

01:02:24hanging out.

01:02:25Any drink you give them

01:02:26they gotta hold it

01:02:27like a toddler.

01:02:28they get in bed

01:02:33they put that

01:02:33cadaver foot

01:02:34on you

01:02:34you're like

01:02:34Yeah!

01:02:39You can't

01:02:40breed with that.

01:02:42Alright?

01:02:43You're gonna have

01:02:43sickly little children

01:02:45with allergies.

01:02:47Kleenex

01:02:47in every room.

01:02:49They're gonna come

01:02:49out of the womb

01:02:50with the cold.

01:02:51Yeah!

01:02:51A few years later

01:02:55they all got glasses

01:02:56I can't go to school

01:02:57today to play.

01:02:59Can I watch my iPad?

01:03:02And you're sitting

01:03:03there going

01:03:03what the fuck happened?

01:03:04I played sports.

01:03:05What are these things?

01:03:08What happened?

01:03:09What happened?

01:03:09You dumped one

01:03:10in Debbie Blue Toes.

01:03:11That's what the fuck

01:03:12you did.

01:03:15Jesus Christ

01:03:15juice your head.

01:03:17You think she's

01:03:17gonna make a strong

01:03:18baby?

01:03:19She's not.

01:03:20all those

01:03:21flamingo-legged chicks

01:03:22you know?

01:03:24Influencers.

01:03:25We used to call

01:03:25them whores.

01:03:26Now they're like

01:03:26now they're leading

01:03:28they're leading

01:03:29the herd

01:03:29evidently, right?

01:03:32Yeah!

01:03:33Back in the day

01:03:34back in the day

01:03:35women like that

01:03:36did not survive

01:03:37the winter.

01:03:38Alright?

01:03:38They froze to death

01:03:39under a buffalo

01:03:40blanket or some shit.

01:03:42That's not what

01:03:42you wanted.

01:03:44Back in the day

01:03:45you ever see paintings

01:03:45of hot chicks

01:03:46back in the day

01:03:46and they're like

01:03:47fucking fullbacks.

01:03:48That's what you wanted.

01:03:49something that could

01:03:50take some punishment

01:03:51you know?

01:03:52Take a couple of

01:03:53pieces of plywood

01:03:54off the dome

01:03:55during a tornado

01:03:55something with a

01:03:57big ass

01:03:57your kids could

01:03:58hide behind

01:03:59and she fought

01:03:59off a bear

01:04:00and you were

01:04:01running in

01:04:01from the field

01:04:02I'm coming for you

01:04:03Clementine!

01:04:04Right?

01:04:04Yeah, these

01:04:10fucking skinny chicks

01:04:11I'm telling you

01:04:12they used to die

01:04:13right and

01:04:14fucking left

01:04:15but over the

01:04:16last hundred years

01:04:17you had all these

01:04:17fucking

01:04:18inventions

01:04:18centralized heat

01:04:20right?

01:04:20The c-section

01:04:21it just keeps

01:04:23them alive

01:04:23they make all

01:04:28these sickly

01:04:29whiny kids

01:04:30you know

01:04:30next thing you know

01:04:31everybody's wearing

01:04:32helmets

01:04:32this is what it is

01:04:33no

01:04:37no this is one of

01:04:40these nights

01:04:40I don't feel like

01:04:41leaving

01:04:41I only got one

01:04:42more

01:04:42I only got one

01:04:43more

01:04:43you guys

01:04:43are an amazing

01:04:44crowd

01:04:44so let's end

01:04:45on this one

01:04:46right here

01:04:46so

01:04:47my lovely wife

01:04:49has given me

01:04:49two beautiful

01:04:50children

01:04:50and

01:04:51a few months

01:04:52back

01:04:52I was

01:04:53giving my son

01:04:54a bath

01:04:54he was three

01:04:55at the time

01:04:55right

01:04:56so I'm giving

01:04:56him a bath

01:04:57right

01:04:57I wash

01:04:57him and

01:04:58everything

01:04:58I rinse

01:04:58him off

01:04:59and then

01:04:59I stand

01:05:00him up

01:05:00I go

01:05:00alright buddy

01:05:00it's your

01:05:01turn

01:05:01I hand

01:05:01him the

01:05:02washcloth

01:05:02and I'm

01:05:02like

01:05:03alright buddy

01:05:03it's your

01:05:04turn

01:05:04you gotta

01:05:05wash

01:05:05your pee

01:05:05right

01:05:06because

01:05:06I don't

01:05:07touch

01:05:07that part

01:05:07of him

01:05:07because

01:05:08I got

01:05:08touched

01:05:08as a

01:05:09kid

01:05:09and he's

01:05:09not

01:05:09going

01:05:10to become

01:05:10a

01:05:10comedian

01:05:10right

01:05:17it ends

01:05:18with me

01:05:18right

01:05:18so I go

01:05:19alright buddy

01:05:21it's your

01:05:22turn

01:05:22here's the

01:05:22washcloth

01:05:23wash your

01:05:23pee pee

01:05:24three years

01:05:24old

01:05:25he looks

01:05:25right back

01:05:25at me

01:05:26he goes

01:05:26and my

01:05:27balls

01:05:27dude

01:05:34my heart

01:05:35almost

01:05:35stopped

01:05:36I was

01:05:36like

01:05:36who

01:05:37taught

01:05:37you

01:05:37that

01:05:38word

01:05:38you're

01:05:38not

01:05:38in

01:05:38school

01:05:39yet

01:05:39how

01:05:39do

01:05:39you

01:05:39know

01:05:39that

01:05:40word

01:05:40I

01:05:40knew

01:05:40it

01:05:40was

01:05:41me

01:05:41I

01:05:41knew

01:05:41it

01:05:42was

01:05:42me

01:05:42I

01:05:42was

01:05:42just

01:05:42trying

01:05:43to

01:05:43think

01:05:43I

01:05:43go

01:05:43who

01:05:44taught

01:05:44you

01:05:44that

01:05:44word

01:05:45and

01:05:45please

01:05:45don't

01:05:45say

01:05:46that

01:05:46to

01:05:46mom

01:05:46because

01:05:47she's

01:05:47going

01:05:47to

01:05:47kill

01:05:48me

01:05:48and I

01:05:48was

01:05:48thinking

01:05:48when the

01:05:49fuck

01:05:49did I

01:05:49say

01:05:50that

01:05:50to him

01:05:50that he

01:05:51knew

01:05:51to say

01:05:51that

01:05:52I

01:05:52realized

01:05:52we were

01:05:52potty

01:05:53training

01:05:53him

01:05:53and I

01:05:54didn't

01:05:54realize

01:05:54I

01:05:54was

01:05:55saying

01:05:55that

01:05:55word

01:05:55because

01:05:56he'd

01:05:56be like

01:05:56dad

01:05:56I

01:05:56gotta

01:05:57go

01:05:57pee pee

01:05:57so I

01:05:58would

01:05:58set

01:05:58him

01:05:58down

01:05:59on

01:05:59the

01:05:59toilet

01:05:59and he

01:06:00would

01:06:00go

01:06:00oh

01:06:00who's

01:06:01a

01:06:01big

01:06:01boy

01:06:01hand

01:06:02him

01:06:02the

01:06:02toilet

01:06:02paper

01:06:02let's

01:06:03go

01:06:04wipe

01:06:04your

01:06:04pee

01:06:04right

01:06:05and

01:06:05for

01:06:05whatever

01:06:05reason

01:06:06he

01:06:06was

01:06:07like

01:06:07reaching

01:06:07way

01:06:08down

01:06:08under

01:06:08he

01:06:09was

01:06:09going

01:06:09way

01:06:10down

01:06:10under

01:06:10like

01:06:10that

01:06:11so I

01:06:11was

01:06:11going

01:06:12like

01:06:12no dude

01:06:12no

01:06:12higher

01:06:13you

01:06:14gotta

01:06:14go

01:06:14dude

01:06:15you're

01:06:15wiping

01:06:16your

01:06:16balls

01:06:16those

01:06:16are

01:06:17your

01:06:17balls

01:06:17man

01:06:17you gotta

01:06:17wait

01:06:18where the

01:06:18pee

01:06:18comes

01:06:19out

01:06:19higher

01:06:20dude

01:06:21you're

01:06:21still

01:06:21wiping

01:06:21your

01:06:21balls

01:06:22higher

01:06:22there

01:06:22you go

01:06:23right

01:06:23and I

01:06:24did

01:06:24say

01:06:25balls

01:06:25because

01:06:26you know

01:06:26that's

01:06:27what

01:06:27they're

01:06:27called

01:06:27you know

01:06:28there's

01:06:29a million

01:06:30cute

01:06:30words

01:06:30for

01:06:31your

01:06:31dick

01:06:31right

01:06:31your

01:06:32ding-a-ling

01:06:32your

01:06:32ding-dong

01:06:33your

01:06:33wing-wang

01:06:33whatever

01:06:34the

01:06:34fuck

01:06:34you

01:06:34call

01:06:34it

01:06:35but

01:06:35your

01:06:35balls

01:06:36they're

01:06:36just

01:06:37your

01:06:37balls

01:06:37right

01:06:37so

01:06:38that's

01:06:38what

01:06:38I

01:06:39said

01:06:39and

01:06:40this

01:06:40little

01:06:40man

01:06:41he

01:06:41put

01:06:41it

01:06:41in

01:06:41the

01:06:42bank

01:06:42and

01:06:43just

01:06:43waited

01:06:43like

01:06:44two

01:06:45months

01:06:45for

01:06:45the

01:06:45perfect

01:06:46moment

01:06:46here

01:06:48you

01:06:48go

01:06:48buddy

01:06:48wash

01:06:49your

01:06:49pee

01:06:49he

01:06:50just

01:06:50they're

01:06:51my

01:06:51balls

01:06:51yeah

01:06:54and I gotta

01:06:54be honest

01:06:55with you

01:06:55I have

01:06:56never been

01:06:57so proud

01:06:57of him

01:06:57in my

01:06:58life

01:06:58to be

01:06:59a father

01:07:00and hear

01:07:00your

01:07:01three-year-old

01:07:01son go

01:07:02my

01:07:02balls

01:07:02you're

01:07:03like

01:07:03that's

01:07:03right

01:07:03you got

01:07:04fucking

01:07:04balls

01:07:04buddy

01:07:05you got

01:07:05balls

01:07:06you don't

01:07:06break

01:07:06them

01:07:06for

01:07:06nobody

01:07:07come on

01:07:07punch

01:07:07me in

01:07:08the

01:07:08shoulder

01:07:08punch

01:07:08me

01:07:08in

01:07:09the

01:07:09shoulder

01:07:09go

01:07:09cats

01:07:10go

01:07:10cats

01:07:11all right

01:07:11you guys

01:07:12were

01:07:12awesome

01:07:12thank you

01:07:12so much

01:07:13for

01:07:13coming

01:07:13out

01:07:13I

01:07:15had a

01:07:15great

01:07:15time

01:07:16with you

01:07:16I will

01:07:19see you

01:07:19next time

01:07:20I come

01:07:20through

01:07:21thank you

01:07:23thank you

01:07:24thank you

01:07:46thank you

01:08:16ترجمة نانسي قنقر

01:08:46ترجمة نانسي قنقر

Bill Burr Drop Dead Years 2025 | Stand-up comedy | Special

Category

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