Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S69E04
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00:00I'll be right back.
00:30Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Angela Rippon.
00:41Now, in the news this week,
00:43Jeff Bezos denies funding his fiancée's spaceflight
00:46by siphoning money from other projects
00:49as testing begins on Amazon's new flying delivery vehicles.
01:00In Shropshire, after an entire group of Alcoholics Anonymous
01:04all fall off the wagon at the same time,
01:07attempts to pinpoint a cause focus on the previous day's guest speaker.
01:18And in Cheltenham, Frankie DeTorre is forced to improvise
01:22as his car indicators stop working.
01:24On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently said
01:33that she sees no reason to retire,
01:35as there are some amazing examples of people still going into their 80s.
01:41Will you please welcome the guest on tonight's winning team, Joe Brand.
01:44And Paul's team tonight is a best-selling author and presenter
01:54who recorded 1,300 episodes of the game show Pointless,
01:59giving away total prize money of almost £300.
02:05Will you please welcome Richard Osman.
02:07Well, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:14Ian and Joe, here are yours.
02:18Oh, St Peter's Square.
02:20That's the shortlist for Pope.
02:23Can't get in.
02:25What's the news?
02:26They're sealing the door.
02:27I know, I've seen Conclave.
02:30Oh, and that's J.D. Vance, asking for forgiveness.
02:33Is he not J.D. Vance any more?
02:38I thought he was J.D. Sports.
02:41The Pope's dead.
02:42On Easter Monday, wasn't it?
02:43It was.
02:44Yes, indeed.
02:45Shortly after he met J.D. Vance.
02:47Yeah.
02:48I think it's Vance, isn't it?
02:49Yeah.
02:51Yes, it was meeting J.D. Vance.
02:53Vance or Vance.
02:54Yes.
02:55He was given advance warning.
02:57Yeah.
02:58And there he is.
03:00Yes.
03:01You can see the look in the Pope's eyes.
03:02Right, that's it.
03:05I'm off.
03:09It's the sort of Liz Truss effect, isn't it?
03:13This is indeed the news that the Pope has died.
03:16Thousands of mourners got the chance to file past the Pope's coffin
03:20just as soon as Holly and Phil had paid their respects.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24He was visited by J.D. Vance, and in recognition of the Pope's record
03:34on speaking out against climate change, J.D. arrived at the Vatican
03:39in a motorcade of 40 four-by-fours.
03:43I can't do that sum.
03:45Yeah.
03:48I've been on before when a Pope died.
03:50Yeah.
03:50Yeah, so I think I've had two dead Popes now.
03:52If I get a third, I think that makes me the Antichrist.
03:56You're on the way.
03:56I could live without it.
03:57Yeah.
03:58Imagine the car insurance if you were the Antichrist.
04:00Yeah, yeah.
04:01You could arrive in six six-by-sixes.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:05Now, Ian, do you know about the eerie coincidence
04:10involving the Welsh footballer Aaron Ramsey?
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16Do you know, I don't.
04:20Anybody?
04:20Yes, I think every time a Pope has died, he scored...
04:24for Wales, or for Arsenal, or for...
04:27Can't be a Pope dies every time he scores.
04:28That'd be 20 Popes a season, wouldn't it?
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31Funnily enough, you're right.
04:33Because every time he scores a goal, a famous person dies.
04:38Oh, OK.
04:38When he scored twice in two games in 2016,
04:41David Bowie and Alan Rittman died.
04:43To be honest, a famous person dies every day.
04:48So, this correlation is statistically poor.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54Sorry, I've just got to get that. Hang on.
04:57Hello, yeah.
04:59Well, I could start on Monday.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02Yeah, I was brought up as a Catholic, yeah.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09I've got to finish this and I'll be with you.
05:13Yeah, yeah.
05:17HE HIGHS
05:18HE HIGHS
05:18I don't care about the score now.
05:22That's fantastic.
05:23Habamus Papam.
05:24How dare you.
05:25Imagine if you ring Sky Bet and say,
05:28give me odds for Paul Merton to be Pope.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:31So, who are the leading candidates for the top job of Pope?
05:35They're lining up the candidates.
05:37Ray Fiennes.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:40So, you've seen the film as well?
05:42Er, yes, and like most newspaper journalists,
05:44I thought that's enough research.
05:46LAUGHTER
05:47I'd go for Stanley Tucci.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:51He's the menopausal lady's fave.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55There's lots of very, very...
05:57The names of people who sound like they're going to be Pope.
05:59And then there's a Kevin.
06:00I know that, because I looked through the betting.
06:03Right.
06:03And Kevin was 20 to 1.
06:05I think he was born in Dublin.
06:06Right, OK.
06:06And then went to America most of his life.
06:09That's all I've got, Angela.
06:11Well, basically, he's the caretaker Pope.
06:13He locks up at night.
06:14Yeah, yeah, he locks up at night.
06:15That's the job you've been offered.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19APPLAUSE
06:20Wow.
06:24Wow.
06:25I think I might have him excommunicate.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:28So, what happens next?
06:30Well, you know, I'll be travelling to Rome tomorrow.
06:35A bit before then, what happens next?
06:37Oh, I should go home and tell the wife and said,
06:39this is probably going to make it a bit awkward for you.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:43Well, world leaders, of course, have been paying tribute to the Pope.
06:47Did any of you see Donald Trump's tribute?
06:50I quite liked what he said about coming to...
06:53Cos he's going to the funeral.
06:55And he said,
06:56Really looking forward to it!
06:58Exclamation mark.
06:59Well, he actually paid tribute to the Pope with all the solemnity
07:04and dignity that we have come to expect from Donald.
07:08In the US, President Trump ordered flags at the White House
07:12and on government buildings to be lowered.
07:14He paid tribute to the Pope during an Easter egg hunt in Washington,
07:18appearing on balcony with his wife and a giant rabbit.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23He was a good man, worked hard, he loved the world and it's an honour to do that.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:31There's a threesome to die for.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:36I think he was thinking it would be another type of bunny.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:41Well, fortunately, there were no photographers on hand
07:45to make Trump look ridiculous.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:48LAUGHTER
07:49You'd think he'd try and get his hand the same shade as his face,
07:58wouldn't you?
07:58LAUGHTER
08:00What has the US said recently regarding Ukraine?
08:04He said it's Zelensky's fault.
08:06There would be peace if only the person whose country had been invaded
08:09would just shut up.
08:10Also, he said, we're going to pull out,
08:11we're not interested in negotiating a peace settlement,
08:14we're just going to give up on it, we're going to pass on it,
08:15I think was the phrase he used.
08:16Yeah, he's bored.
08:17Yeah.
08:17I mean, he's considered, you know,
08:19this important matter for days.
08:21But didn't he say he was going to stop the war in a day
08:24as soon as he became President, Trump said that?
08:25He did, and then, didn't he say...
08:27100 days.
08:28100 days, right.
08:29But like a lot of things he said, it isn't true.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:33Now, what has Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth done for a second time?
08:39He's leaked confidential information about war plans,
08:42and this time he appears to have told his wife and her brother...
08:46Yeah.
08:47..and all his friends.
08:48And this time he's really cross,
08:50cos last time he didn't get fired and this time there was some
08:54suggestion he might.
08:55Is that right?
08:56Yes.
08:57Well, yes.
08:58But how did Hegseth defend himself?
09:00Didn't he say someone made it up?
09:02Well...
09:03Oh, he said...
09:04No, that's right.
09:05He said somebody's been leaking information
09:06without realising that it's him.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:09Who's the one that's been doing it?
09:11LAUGHTER
09:13Well, the satirical website Babylon Bee pointed out this.
09:17Are you still interested in receiving texts about
09:20upcoming military strikes?
09:22LAUGHTER
09:26Reply, stop, to unsubscribe.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30What message did Boris Johnson recently admit to sending in error?
09:35I'm your father.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:38And yours.
09:39And yours.
09:40LAUGHTER
09:41In the Daily Mail this week, Boris Johnson described how he sent
09:45a WhatsApp message in error and a message read,
09:49Hi, babe, I'm at the Duty Free.
09:51LAUGHTER
09:52He sent it to every Conservative MP and, worst of all,
09:55he sent it to his wife.
09:56LAUGHTER
09:58So, this is the news that Pope Francis has passed away at the age
10:04of 88.
10:06Prince William and Sir Keir Starmer will be travelling to Vatican City
10:09to represent the UK at the Pope's funeral.
10:12It'll be two and a half hours of incomprehensible waffle.
10:17But hopefully, Starmer will shut up once the funeral starts.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:22Donald Trump solemnly announced the Pope's death
10:25from the White House balcony.
10:27According to the New Statesman, Trump then walked downstairs,
10:31stopped and turned to salute the Easter Bunny.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:37Well, to be fair, the Bunny had just been made head of US Armed Forces.
10:41LAUGHTER
10:43One Italian candidate for Pope is Cardinal Pizzabella,
10:47who once offered himself up in a hostage exchange deal,
10:51a deal that also included free garlic bread and a bottle of Fanta.
10:55LAUGHTER
10:57Paul and Richard?
10:58Yep.
10:59Here's yours.
11:00So, this is a monkey enjoying a drink, and that's the 1970s for you.
11:05That's somebody who's had too much to drink.
11:07And there's some more beer.
11:09So, yes, we know this, don't we,
11:11but this is about monkeys consuming alcohol.
11:13They get drunk, monkeys.
11:14Monkeys are getting drunk.
11:15They've been spotted in the jungle eating sort of like rotten fruit
11:19that's turned into alcohol and they're all sitting around
11:21having a good time.
11:22And it's the first time it's been observed using alcohol
11:25to lubricate a social gathering.
11:28You're so right.
11:29Yeah, I know, I wouldn't have said it otherwise.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:33This is the news that our pub culture may have evolved from apes.
11:37Yes, exactly, yes.
11:38It's the first time they've been seen doing this and someone
11:40has put up a dart board.
11:42Is it all male monkeys or are they...?
11:45Of course.
11:46Ian, give it 30 years, mate, come on.
11:49Yeah, and then we'll pop along for a sherry.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53Well, it's researchers at the University of Exeter in Devon
11:56who've observed chimpanzees in Guinea-Bissau.
11:59What happens when people get together for a drink in a pub
12:02that researchers think may have evolved from this chimp's behaviour?
12:05Pork scratchings.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:08There's a chimp in the reserve getting up and saying,
12:10I'll get these.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:12You're my best mate.
12:13LAUGHTER
12:14Just comes out of the bushes and goes, I'll give that five minutes
12:15if I were you.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17The scientific answer is that alcohol releases dopamine,
12:25leading to feelings of happiness and relaxation.
12:28Yes.
12:29And drinking in groups strengthens social bonds.
12:32Yes.
12:33And, in fact, animals have often been first to do something
12:35that we now all do all the time, like taking an Uber ride.
12:38And if you don't believe me, just watch this.
12:40It's really cute.
12:41This is so cool.
12:42I don't know that that part is left, let's find out.
12:44Well, he just...
12:45Oh, Greg.
12:46Oh, Greg.
12:47Greg.
12:48Oh, my God.
12:49Oh, my God!
12:50Oh, my God, Greg!
12:51Oh, my God, Greg!
12:52Oh, my God!
12:53Oh, my God!
12:56The woods, please, and I'm in a hurry.
12:58LAUGHTER
13:07Staying with alcohol...
13:08Yes.
13:09..what is the main ingredient in a new beer
13:12that is being developed in Austria?
13:14It's not a plant of any kind, is it?
13:16No.
13:17Chocolate.
13:18No.
13:19Concrete.
13:20Yes.
13:21Bisons.
13:22No.
13:23A portable loo company is developing a beer made from human urine.
13:27Disgusting, perhaps, but when you think about it,
13:30not the worst thing to have come out of Austria.
13:32Yeah.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:35I've got a question, though.
13:36If you drink that, do you piss lager?
13:38LAUGHTER
13:41Well, the researchers at the portable loo company
13:44collect the contents and then they extract the urine.
13:48You mean they take the piss?
13:49They take it.
13:52Sorry.
13:53How do you get tiger urine that scares foxes off from your garden?
13:56You get tiger urine and elephant urine.
13:58Yeah.
13:59And that's someone's job, right?
14:00Yeah.
14:01I'm not sure you'd drink it, though.
14:02No, I wouldn't drink it.
14:03No.
14:04Not again.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:06Who's collecting tiger urine?
14:08And how do you get them to aim into a bottle?
14:10LAUGHTER
14:11Finally, it was announced this week that dark chocolate Toblerone
14:15will no longer be available in the UK.
14:17Yes.
14:18Which came as a big surprise to most of us,
14:20because none of us knew that it was here in the first place.
14:22No, no idea.
14:23It's the best-selling chocolate in the world, Toblerone.
14:26But have you ever had the dark chocolate?
14:28No, of course not.
14:29I'm not a savage.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:31Honestly, I'd rather drink piss.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:34That's the advert.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:37That's such a good tagline.
14:39Yeah, I'd rather drink piss.
14:41LAUGHTER
14:42Well, this is the news that chimpanzees have been filmed in the wild,
14:47sharing fruit that contains alcohol.
14:49The scientists estimate that, for the chimpanzees,
14:5285% of their diet is alcoholic fruit.
14:56The other 15% is kebabs.
14:58LAUGHTER
15:01A report on the economy has just come through
15:04from Number 11 Downing Street.
15:06The Chancellor's statement reads as follows.
15:08There may be trouble ahead...
15:10LAUGHTER
15:11While there's moonlight and music and love and romance,
15:16it's time for round two, the high kick of news.
15:18So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
15:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:27There's a statue somewhere that's very unpopular...
15:30..of a duck.
15:31It's so expensive. Look at the size of that bill.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:36I mean, they just discontinued Darktober and I'm having a bad week.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:42No, this is the news that a man walked across the Yorkshire Dales
15:45dressed as a curlew.
15:47Oh, is that him, is it?
15:48So, why on earth did he do that?
15:50Er...
15:51Well, why did he do it?
15:52That's what his family are asking.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Charitable reasons, no doubt.
15:57Don't they nest on the ground and that's quite dangerous.
16:00Yeah, he could have all of that, actually.
16:02It is his favourite bird.
16:03Matt Trevelyan from Yorkshire decided to walk 53 miles
16:07along the Nidderdale Way to warn against the bird's extinction
16:12and to raise awareness of World Curlew Day, which was last Monday.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:18Here he is on BBC Breakfast.
16:20LAUGHTER
16:22It's like some kind of mythical beast, isn't it?
16:24Mm.
16:25They've got big legs, haven't they, curlews?
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27World Curlew Day on Monday, the same day as the Pope Dimes.
16:30They're not out of the headlines.
16:32LAUGHTER
16:33Honestly, it's the perfect day. There's nothing else happening.
16:35People are going to go crazy.
16:37You know, every time he gets into that costume,
16:39a famous person dies.
16:41LAUGHTER
16:47What's the good news for the Curlews on Orkney?
16:49Oh, they've got rid of the stoats for the killing them off.
16:52Ooh!
16:53There's been a stoat cull.
16:54Yeah!
16:55Is there a save the stoat movement?
16:57Well, they had to tell the curlews to go in early at night,
16:59which was a curlew curfew.
17:01LAUGHTER
17:03And they had a big campaign, stop the stoats.
17:05Yeah.
17:06LAUGHTER
17:07The real problem...
17:08Not very much.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10I like the way that Ian says,
17:12thank you very much, the total silence.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:16Well, the stoats have gone,
17:18but the real problem in Orkney might be the weather.
17:21Let's go for a report from one of the locals.
17:24So, you went to visit Orkney during the winter.
17:26How's the weather?
17:27LAUGHTER
17:31I mean, it's a bit breezy sometimes.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:42Do you think when Trump comes, we can send him to Orkney?
17:44LAUGHTER
17:45In related news, what is a man in Japan being dressing up as?
17:54A pigeon.
17:567,000 stoats?
17:59No.
18:00A border collie.
18:01Ah, yes.
18:02He's spent £12,000 on a hyper-realistic costume
18:05so that he can live as the animal.
18:07Mm.
18:08His name is Toko and here he is.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:13But what is his problem?
18:15LAUGHTER
18:17Have we got time?
18:19LAUGHTER
18:21It's not worms, is it?
18:22Mm-mm.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:25He's opened a zoo for humans
18:27where people can come and dress as dogs.
18:30But an upcoming event in May has received...
18:33..no bookings.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36..the zoo is now facing closure.
18:38He should have dressed as a shit zoo.
18:39LAUGHTER
18:41Hey!
18:46So this is the man who walked 53 miles dressed as a curlew.
18:50Here is his curlew outfit, which really is pretty impressive,
18:54but you wouldn't want him running behind you in the marathon.
18:57LAUGHTER
18:58The curlew is famed for its graceful posture and long legs.
19:03Get your own act.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
19:08BUZZER
19:10BUZZER
19:11Yes, this is the Supreme Court ruling,
19:14which a lot of people said,
19:15Have I Got News was pathetic, cos last week
19:18nobody answered this question and it wasn't asked.
19:20It was asked, actually, and I answered it at some length.
19:23I gave my views about John Stuart Mill's clash of different rights
19:26and competitive demands on a legal system and I talked for some time
19:30about what I thought was a very rational solution of the two
19:35parliamentary acts which the Supreme Court had been asked to.
19:38And they cut it out.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:41Well, you do know this programme is only 29 minutes long.
19:44It is.
19:45It seemed longer last week.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48It isn't easy to do this particular subject, as Keir Starmer has found out.
19:53I'm aware I'm talking over you.
19:55No, you're not talking over me cos I haven't said anything.
19:58LAUGHTER
20:00I think this is a thing that a lot of people wouldn't want to say anything
20:05because it's a very sort of venomous situation.
20:09And I think, kind of, a lot of people are genuinely a bit frightened.
20:13Mm.
20:14No-one really wants to get a death threat on...
20:16I've had quite a few of them.
20:18Mm.
20:19And that's why I've learned to dress up as a bird and wander round
20:23the moors.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:25So what has he changed his mind about?
20:27Well, what he said is the Supreme Court verdict gives clarity.
20:31He's not particularly keen to say what.
20:34He used to say all sorts of things.
20:36About cervixes and...
20:38And he's been called out.
20:39..thanks.
20:40And, er...
20:41I think cervixes are hilarious as well.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45Yeah, and now he's done a complete about-turn.
20:47He has and he doesn't want to admit it.
20:49Has someone admitted it on his behalf, though?
20:51Yes.
20:52A Downing Street spokesman said,
20:53Keir now thinks that trans women are not women.
20:57Last week, Kemi Badenoch declared that the Conservative Party
21:00have always understood what a woman is.
21:04Here is Kemi firing off a zinger at Prime Minister's Question Time
21:08on Wednesday.
21:09Oh, yeah.
21:10This is a question about moral courage, Mr Speaker,
21:12about doing the right thing even when it is difficult.
21:17And the truth is, he doesn't have the balls.
21:20CHEERING
21:21Weren't people commenting on the fact that that's all she went on
21:25about?
21:26She didn't mention anything else, like Trump, like Putin,
21:31like Ukraine.
21:32Like the Toblerone thing?
21:33Yeah.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:35Up to this point, she's not been very good at Prime Minister's
21:39Questions Time.
21:40And she had a good outing in that he had...
21:43A bad outing.
21:45He had a very bad outing because he did say one thing
21:47and he has changed his mind and he doesn't want to admit it.
21:49Last week, the Supreme Court ruled that women were defined by
21:53biological sex and explained it in an 88-page legal judgement.
21:59You see?
22:00Just 88 pages.
22:01It really was that simple.
22:02It's good, though.
22:03It is worth a read.
22:04It is fairly clear.
22:05You've read all 88 pages?
22:06Yeah, no, no...
22:07I'm waiting for the film to come out.
22:08Yeah.
22:09Fingers on buzzers again, teams.
22:13BUZZER
22:16Ooh.
22:17People smell.
22:19Things to do with smell, certainly, because this is the news
22:22that women select their best friends based on how they smell.
22:27That's bullshit.
22:29LAUGHTER
22:31That's bullshit.
22:32You're my best friend.
22:33LAUGHTER
22:36Tell it to the scientists at Cornell University in New York,
22:39because they say that women chose friends based on smell
22:43and that they can tell if they're going to be friends with someone
22:46within just four minutes.
22:49Look, if someone came along right and...
22:52Smelled of cake.
22:53Smelled of chocolate.
22:54Yeah.
22:55LAUGHTER
22:56But they were really boring, I'd get rid.
22:59LAUGHTER
23:00And let's say they smelt of urine but they were a right laugh,
23:04I'd put up with the urine.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:07What do your friends smell like?
23:09Well, my friend Betty smells like a rotting corpse.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:15I hope she watches this.
23:17LAUGHTER
23:18It's just a new person she's been working on.
23:21LAUGHTER
23:22I have to admit that if someone sniffed me for four minutes,
23:24I'm not sure I would want to be friends with them.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:27That's essentially what Strictly is, isn't it?
23:30LAUGHTER
23:32In other news, what have scientists found the formula for?
23:36Eternal life.
23:38We'd probably lead with that, wouldn't we?
23:41LAUGHTER
23:43They're researchers from the University of British Columbia...
23:46Yum.
23:47..and they say what they've cracked is the formula for the perfect day.
23:51What do you think they say makes up the perfect day?
23:55Living in British Columbia, getting paid to do fuck all.
23:58LAUGHTER
24:00They have recommended no more than six hours of work.
24:05Mm-hm.
24:06However, what you should have are at least six hours of family time,
24:09two hours with friends, 90 minutes of extra socialising,
24:13two hours of exercise and one hour of eating.
24:18I'd rather swap eating and family time round.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:28Extra socialising sounds like a euphemism.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:33And I'm...
24:3490 minutes.
24:3590 minutes.
24:36Would you change ends at half-time?
24:38LAUGHTER
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40Well, in other sports news, Leeds United have been promoted
24:46to the Premier League.
24:48Yes.
24:49Would you like to see how Look North covered the excitement?
24:51Totally.
24:52Yeah.
24:53Our sports reporter Sally Hurst is live in Leeds
24:56as celebrations continue this evening.
24:58Everyone's in a pretty good mood there tonight, aren't they, Sally?
25:04Yeah.
25:08It's time now for the Missing Words round,
25:10which this week features as its guest publication,
25:13Chinchilla Connection.
25:14Oh!
25:15We're going to start with...
25:17If you're going to exhibit your chinchilla at a show,
25:20don't forget...
25:21The chinchilla.
25:22What?
25:23LAUGHTER
25:24The answer is to dust it beforehand.
25:26Dust it?
25:27Yeah.
25:28Dust it?
25:29Dust it, yeah.
25:30But whatever you do, don't hoover it.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32Just going to dust the old chinchilla?
25:34Yeah.
25:35LAUGHTER
25:37Might take 90 minutes.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:41Next.
25:42It's risky to turn your back on a chinchilla because...
25:45It'll rip your lungs out.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:48Because of the risk of identity theft.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:51My name?
25:52Richard Osman.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:54They're notoriously bitchy.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:57The actual answer is, it'll be breeding within seconds.
26:04Oh.
26:05On its own.
26:07LAUGHTER
26:08Finally, choir singer surprised by what during service?
26:13Is it VAT on clutch cables?
26:15No.
26:16It's choir singer surprised by Joy.
26:18She's the organist.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21Is it lack of ketamine?
26:23No.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:25The answer is...
26:27Yeah.
26:28..a dive-bombing squirrel.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:31That is good.
26:32Now, keep your eye on the top right-hand corner.
26:34SONG
26:35SONG
26:36SONG
26:44The squirrel's potentially fatal fall...
26:46Potentially?
26:47LAUGHTER
26:48He'll have to do a Lazarus to get up from that.
26:52LAUGHTER
26:53Was he all right?
26:55Was he all right?
26:56Was he all right?
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58All I have is, he just buried his nuts.
27:00Yeah.
27:01Up through his neck.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:03So, the final scores are, Ian and Joe have three,
27:08while Paul and Richard somehow have four.
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12Thank you to our panellists, Ian Islop and Joe Brand, Paul Merton and Richard Osmond.
27:24And I leave you with news that on his first visit to a tattoo parlour, one man tries to tell the shop employee there is no W in anchor.
27:33LAUGHTER
27:36In Windsor, there's evidence that being king has gone to Charles' head, as he refuses to walk to a tree-planting ceremony.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:50And in Florida, as the Rolling Stones embark on a new world tour, Mick Jagger is keen to show that he's still got it, as he runs through his repertoire of moves.
28:00LAUGHTER
28:03Good night.
28:04Good night.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:06MUSIC
28:07STICK ON A SUEDE VINYL OR ROAD TRIP WITH CATATONIA
28:09INDIE LIVES FOREVER
28:10SIX MUSIC
28:11FEAST YOUR EARS NOW ON BBC SOUDS
28:13HIGH STAKES CUT THROAT AND FULL THROTTLE
28:15PRESS RED NOW TO ENTER THE HIGH WORLD OF BIG FINANCE
28:19INDUSTRY, WATCH ON iPLAYER
28:20I'm surprised we won this week, I thought we'd lose.
28:22OK.
28:23I'm not infallible.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:25HE LAUGHS
28:40HE LAUGHS
28:49MUSIC