In his first ever stand-up comedy special, Erik Griffin breaks it down while talking about himself, society as a whole and everything in between.
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00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, live from Laugh Factory, Long Beach, Eric Griffin!
00:00:22What's up, Strong Beach?
00:00:43I'm feeling special for this special, right?
00:00:47I'm gonna be honest with you, the ugly truth is I wanted to be in shape for this.
00:00:51Had big plans, too.
00:00:54I was like, I'm gonna get in shape.
00:00:57Hurt my ankle.
00:01:01Hurt the ankle.
00:01:03Wish I had a good story.
00:01:04Like, I was out on the basketball court and these young kids was like,
00:01:07you can't guard us, old man.
00:01:08I was like, please, cross over, cross over.
00:01:13That's not what happened.
00:01:15I was actually on my way to a basketball game,
00:01:19open up the car door and step wrong, you know?
00:01:24That's some old fat shit right there.
00:01:28And then when you sprain your ankle, you do this weird thing where you go like this.
00:01:32And then when I was doing that, I sprained the other ankle.
00:01:42So I needed to go to the doctor, okay?
00:01:45Went to the foot doctor, right?
00:01:47And this bitch, right, she looks...
00:01:52She looks at me and goes, you need to lose some weight.
00:01:56And I was like, looking up at her like, um...
00:02:00Cool.
00:02:05But can we discuss my ankle?
00:02:10This one is swollen and...
00:02:14You probably should start exercising.
00:02:17I want to do that.
00:02:20But my ankle...
00:02:26Bitch, man.
00:02:30I'm telling you, you would only say that to a man.
00:02:33You know what I mean?
00:02:34You could only say...
00:02:35Imagine a woman.
00:02:36You imagine ladies.
00:02:37You imagine a doctor looking at you and going, you're fat.
00:02:40And you eat too much.
00:02:42You would kill yourself.
00:02:44It's much harder to be a fat guy than it is to be a fat girl.
00:02:47I'll tell you that right now.
00:02:48But of course, women are always like, you don't know their pressures to being a llama.
00:02:53Hey, there's no fat guy empowerment song on the fucking radio.
00:02:59There's no all about that bass for dudes.
00:03:04But every single year, there's some new song.
00:03:06Big bitches unite.
00:03:07Woo!
00:03:08Big bitches unite.
00:03:14You know what I mean?
00:03:15Every single year, you know?
00:03:17Big bitches unite.
00:03:19I'm a big bitch and you know it.
00:03:21My lips like that.
00:03:26Then we coddle.
00:03:27We like to coddle fat people, you know?
00:03:29You should feel good about you.
00:03:33No.
00:03:34What the fuck are you talking about?
00:03:37I tell the doctor, she says to me, she's like...
00:03:40I say, I was going to work out, you know?
00:03:42She was like, well, listen, the real problem is fork to mouth.
00:03:51You know what I hate when you tell your friends?
00:03:56I told all my friends, I'm going to lose some weight.
00:03:58Watch.
00:03:59Then everybody becomes the food police.
00:04:04You know when everybody becomes the food sharer?
00:04:07Every time you reach for food, I thought you was...
00:04:10I thought you was trying to lose some weight.
00:04:15I thought you was...
00:04:17Everybody's a nutritionist all of a sudden, too.
00:04:20Oh, that's not good for you.
00:04:21That's not good for you.
00:04:22I thought you was, uh...
00:04:24I thought you was trying to lose some weight.
00:04:27I'm in church trying to get communion.
00:04:29Ooh, that's a lot of Jesus.
00:04:34How much Jesus you gonna have?
00:04:38Why you take peanut butter up there?
00:04:39What you doing?
00:04:42Mind your fucking business.
00:04:45What I'm doing with me and my Lord is none of your business.
00:04:51And then, you know what really pisses me off?
00:04:53When they're hungry, you know?
00:04:55When your friend...
00:04:56When they're hungry, they...
00:04:57Hey, let's go to Fatburger.
00:05:01What?
00:05:03I'm an addict.
00:05:04I can't go to...
00:05:08Fatburger's like going to the club.
00:05:10I'm in there like, oh, shit.
00:05:20I'm like, are they playing my jam?
00:05:22Is that bacon sizzling?
00:05:27Yes.
00:05:29So, of course, I fall off the wagon.
00:05:30I get the Double King burger with the Oreo cookie shake
00:05:33and the chili cheese fries.
00:05:35My friend turns to me.
00:05:36I thought you was, uh...
00:05:39Thought you were trying to lose some weight?
00:05:42Hey, bitch.
00:05:44We're in Fatburger.
00:05:46Fatburger.
00:05:48It's in the name.
00:05:49Fatburger.
00:05:51They're not trying to...
00:05:52This isn't the wellness center up in here right now.
00:05:55That's when they want to look at the menu
00:05:57and tell you what you should have ordered.
00:06:00Well, they have a veggie burger on a gluten-free bun.
00:06:03Shit.
00:06:08That's like going to a whorehouse and cuddling.
00:06:14Um...
00:06:16I'm here to fuck, so...
00:06:20Let's bring out these Asian girls with the Fatburgers, please.
00:06:22So, my doctor, though, I'm sitting there, and she tells me,
00:06:31since you can't work out,
00:06:34I'm gonna put you on a calorie diet, she said.
00:06:382,000 calories a day.
00:06:41That sounds like a lot to me.
00:06:45But apparently calories are on some kind of peso exchange rate.
00:06:49You have no idea how much calories are
00:06:57until you start counting the shit.
00:06:58Let me tell you something.
00:06:592,000 is like a muffin,
00:07:03two basil leaves,
00:07:06and some vitamin water, about that much right there.
00:07:09So, I have no idea.
00:07:10So, I go to the restaurant, you know, and I'm like,
00:07:12okay, gotta count calories.
00:07:14But I still don't know.
00:07:15I'm like, let me get an appetizer.
00:07:16Uh, let me get the onion ring loaf.
00:07:19Just bring me the onion ring loaf appetizer.
00:07:21Okay, that's 2,000.
00:07:22All right.
00:07:24This is probably 250, 275 calories.
00:07:27This shit was 3,000.
00:07:323,000 calories for the...
00:07:34That fucks off my whole day.
00:07:38And half of tomorrow...
00:07:41And I'm still waiting on baby back ribs.
00:07:49Had the key lime pie for dessert.
00:07:51Had a potato.
00:07:52Had a Coke.
00:07:54Had ranch with the onion rings.
00:07:57Ranch.
00:07:58Do you know how bad for you ranch dressing is?
00:08:00Let me tell you something.
00:08:01This much ranch right here,
00:08:02that's like five to 700 calories.
00:08:05That's the devil's love juice right there.
00:08:09The devil's in every kitchen going...
00:08:13Okay, good.
00:08:14I'm saving lives in here right now.
00:08:17The next time you're at a ranch,
00:08:18you're gonna see this.
00:08:19See, the main problem too is how funny fat is.
00:08:29See how we're laughing?
00:08:31Fat is funny as shit.
00:08:34I'm an actor, okay?
00:08:36When you're in a...
00:08:37You see the script and it says,
00:08:38you're a thief.
00:08:39Guess what?
00:08:40You're not a thief.
00:08:42It says you're crazy.
00:08:43I'm not crazy.
00:08:44When it says you're fat...
00:08:50You're probably fat.
00:08:54When another actor says to your character,
00:08:56you fat fuck?
00:08:59I have a moment of like...
00:09:04Is that me?
00:09:07Fat is just funny.
00:09:08Fat is the only disease that we just like...
00:09:09We don't care.
00:09:10We just laugh at it.
00:09:11We make jokes about it.
00:09:12It's the only disease.
00:09:13I mean, obesity kills people every single day.
00:09:15Right?
00:09:16But nobody else would be like,
00:09:17oh, they go Cancer Charlie.
00:09:19Ah!
00:09:21What up, Cancer Charlie?
00:09:23Oh, they go Cancer Tina.
00:09:24No, Tina, Tina.
00:09:25What up, girl?
00:09:27Oh, look, you're mortified.
00:09:28See what I'm saying?
00:09:30That's my whole fucking point.
00:09:31But if it's somebody fat,
00:09:32you're just like, ha, ha, ha.
00:09:33Hey, hey, hey.
00:09:38Like, it doesn't matter how tragic a story is.
00:09:42If you find out the person's fat,
00:09:44you're not as sympathetic to their plight.
00:09:47They're about to do a movie about those.
00:09:48Like, remember those miners in Chile that got trapped?
00:09:51Like, what if they were fat?
00:09:54You can't have fat guys in a hole.
00:09:56That shit is funny.
00:10:00All I'm saying is it makes a bad situation worse.
00:10:03Like, what if, like, Helen Keller was fat?
00:10:10I know.
00:10:13I know she's already deaf and blind.
00:10:17Which begs the question, why wasn't she fat?
00:10:21Like, what was her workout?
00:10:23You know what I mean?
00:10:24She wasn't in an aerobic class,
00:10:26because the teacher would be like,
00:10:27Helen?
00:10:31Helen?
00:10:33Helen?
00:10:35Can this bitch hear me?
00:10:36Helen?
00:10:40She just standing in the back.
00:10:42She was probably fat.
00:10:52This is a bad example.
00:10:53This is a bad example.
00:10:55Okay, uh...
00:10:57Bad situation, worse.
00:10:58Okay, like...
00:10:59All right.
00:11:00What if, like, Anne Frank was fat?
00:11:03Oh...
00:11:06I know the guards would have heard her breathing.
00:11:08She can't even walk in the attic.
00:11:15Like, imagine how mad the family would be.
00:11:34Would you shut the fuck up?
00:11:39Like, are you trying to get caught?
00:11:42Who brought this big bitch up here?
00:11:45Is it you?
00:11:48The diary would be full of recipes.
00:11:52Day four.
00:11:54Apple strudel.
00:11:57She just eating chips.
00:12:01And...
00:12:03How does this bitch get chips?
00:12:05How the fuck...
00:12:07We up here starving?
00:12:10It just...
00:12:11It makes a bad situation worse.
00:12:12Maybe you couldn't accomplish the things you accomplish.
00:12:14You know?
00:12:15Maybe if it's brain things, you know?
00:12:16And Einstein probably still would have been smart, but...
00:12:19Would we know who Kobe Bryant is?
00:12:20We wouldn't know who Kobe is.
00:12:22It makes your achievements harder to achieve.
00:12:23That's all I'm saying.
00:12:24Like, you couldn't have a...
00:12:26A fat Jesus.
00:12:27I mean, imagine the logistics.
00:12:33Trying to get fat Jesus on the cross.
00:12:39You'd have to have a rope and pulleys.
00:12:43They're trying to nail him.
00:12:44He's sliding down.
00:12:48All the miracles would be different.
00:12:49He's walking on water waist deep.
00:12:51I'm your Lord.
00:12:56The last supper would be a buffet.
00:12:58You know?
00:13:01Judas would be at the buffet.
00:13:02Really, Jesus?
00:13:04How much ranch you gonna put on that lamb?
00:13:07You couldn't have a fat Moses either, you know?
00:13:11I mean, Moses went on a long walk in the desert.
00:13:15He had all the Jews behind him.
00:13:18Fat Moses would have been like,
00:13:20Come on, Jews.
00:13:23Come on, Jews.
00:13:27Whew.
00:13:31Oh, shit.
00:13:32Whoo!
00:13:35Moses need to stop for a second, Jews.
00:13:39Jews.
00:13:41Jews, Jews.
00:13:43Oh.
00:13:45Anybody else's feet fucked up in these sandals?
00:13:47What?
00:13:49What?
00:13:51What?
00:13:53What?
00:13:54What?
00:13:55What?
00:13:56What?
00:13:57What?
00:13:58What?
00:13:59What?
00:14:00What?
00:14:01What?
00:14:03What?
00:14:04Okay, new plan, Jews.
00:14:05New plan.
00:14:07The promised land
00:14:09is gonna be right here.
00:14:14Look at all this land.
00:14:17Get comfortable, motherfucker.
00:14:18Get comfortable.
00:14:25Oh, God.
00:14:27Such a fat fuck.
00:14:29The problem is, it's so easy to put on weight, and so hard to take it off.
00:14:36Right?
00:14:38That's why when I die, I'm going right to human resources.
00:14:45I'm gonna fill out one of those comment cards.
00:14:48I'm gonna change some shit.
00:14:51Food that tastes good should be good for you.
00:14:56If I eat one pound of food, how much weight should I gain?
00:15:02One pound.
00:15:04One pound of Oreos.
00:15:06One pound of Oreos.
00:15:15What the fuck happens to the Oreo?
00:15:18Are we cloning shit and stuff?
00:15:22We need to figure out this technology.
00:15:24We can feed the fucking world.
00:15:26And what is all this in the toilet?
00:15:29I'm still gaining weight.
00:15:38The human body is a wondrous machine, but there's some stuff about it I would change.
00:15:44Like, I don't get balding.
00:15:47Balding doesn't make any fucking sense to me.
00:15:49Right, sir?
00:15:50I see you over there.
00:15:54Like, if hair is gonna arbitrarily leave your body, it should be the ass first, right?
00:16:01You'd be showing off, baby.
00:16:02You better come in here and look at this shit here.
00:16:05Huh?
00:16:06I'm like a ten-year-old boy back there.
00:16:07Look at that ass.
00:16:09And look at the balls.
00:16:10Look at the balls!
00:16:16The human body is weird.
00:16:18How about this?
00:16:19Let's have male and female sexual peaks at the same time.
00:16:25You know?
00:16:2618 to like 27 men are just, fuck me, jeez.
00:16:30We wake up in the morning, I gotta make some ranch.
00:16:36Isn't it crazy that that's our sexual peak?
00:16:37Women!
00:16:38Your sexual peak is like...
00:16:4089?
00:16:43Women are like, you better come tear this pussy up.
00:16:52Don't make me tease you!
00:16:58It makes me feel like, are men and women even compatible?
00:17:01You know?
00:17:02It doesn't even make sense to me.
00:17:04Like, sex, especially sexually.
00:17:06Like, men and women, we don't even like sex the same.
00:17:09I think women enjoy sex far more than we do.
00:17:13Half the enjoyment from men is getting the yes.
00:17:18We love that.
00:17:19Hey, you wanna fuck me?
00:17:20No? Okay.
00:17:21You wanna fuck me?
00:17:22You wanna have sex?
00:17:23No?
00:17:24You wanna have sex?
00:17:25Fuck you, bitch.
00:17:26You wanna have sex?
00:17:27You wanna have sex?
00:17:28Yes?
00:17:29Ahh!
00:17:34It's like, we wanna be with a thousand women.
00:17:36Every woman wants to be with their man a thousand times.
00:17:39And you just enjoy it better.
00:17:41You love it.
00:17:43Like, the female orgasm...
00:17:46Is probably the most demonic...
00:17:54You ever see one of those scary movies where somebody gets a demon in them and they're like...
00:17:59Eat my pussy.
00:18:00You know what I mean?
00:18:03It takes over their whole body.
00:18:04Like, the female orgasm starts in the leg and they just...
00:18:07And then, like, her face looks like somebody hitting them with a brick.
00:18:17Then they get super emotional.
00:18:18I fucking love you.
00:18:20I fucking love you.
00:18:21I fucking love you.
00:18:22I fucking love you.
00:18:25You make a woman do that, she's like,
00:18:26Well, we're getting married, just FYI.
00:18:31Our orgasm isn't like that, right, fellas?
00:18:33We're just trying to get rid of it.
00:18:34Get the fuck out of here!
00:18:35Get out of here!
00:18:36Get out of here!
00:18:39Don't you come back in here, you hear me?
00:18:46Not women, man.
00:18:49You know, some women fake it.
00:18:50You know when they're not faking it?
00:18:51I'll tell you right now.
00:18:52They flip you over and get on top.
00:18:55That's what...
00:18:56Women love that the best, right?
00:18:57They get on top.
00:18:58They're crazy.
00:18:59I fucking love you.
00:19:00I fucking love you.
00:19:02I fucking love you.
00:19:06It doesn't feel good.
00:19:07We're down there like, oh, shit.
00:19:08Okay.
00:19:10You just broke my tailbone.
00:19:11We on a mattress.
00:19:12That's when they get the ponytail in, too.
00:19:23And then you make it last forever, too.
00:19:24That's what I would change.
00:19:26If you're gonna give women multiple orgasms,
00:19:31let ours last longer than a moment, right?
00:19:35Right now, we're just...
00:19:39Okay, wait.
00:19:40If you're 18...
00:19:50Not women, man.
00:19:51Women are in there.
00:20:02You can go to the bathroom, come back.
00:20:07You in the kitchen making her a sandwich.
00:20:11Hey, do you want tomato?
00:20:14Yeah?
00:20:16How do you put tomato in the salad?
00:20:20Hey, don't move.
00:20:21Don't move.
00:20:22Bitch, I'm in the kitchen.
00:20:24I'm in the kitchen.
00:20:27You need to finish in there.
00:20:32Give us some of that, right, fellas?
00:20:35Give us that.
00:20:36You know why we don't have that?
00:20:37Imagine the mess.
00:20:41You just be...
00:20:42Oh, shit.
00:20:43Oh, shit.
00:20:45Oh, shit.
00:20:46Oh, God.
00:20:48Oh, shit.
00:20:49Oh, shit.
00:20:51Oh, God.
00:20:53Oh, shit.
00:20:54Oh, shit.
00:20:55Just get a towel.
00:20:56Get a towel and I'll...
00:20:58Oh, shit.
00:20:59Put down a bucket.
00:21:00Put the bucket down.
00:21:01I told you.
00:21:02Close your mouth.
00:21:03And women will be like...
00:21:06Stop it!
00:21:08Turn it off!
00:21:10It's on my back.
00:21:11It's on my fucking back.
00:21:12It's on my back.
00:21:13Do you know I got my fucking hair done today?
00:21:19I can't even open my eye.
00:21:20So lose weight.
00:21:21You know what I mean?
00:21:22That's...
00:21:24That's the whole point of this.
00:21:26Lose some weight.
00:21:28So that's why I'm a little chubby.
00:21:30Just a little back.
00:21:32Let's get to this shit, like, why I'm really here.
00:21:33I'm here to bitch about shit, you know?
00:21:35I don't know how to let stuff go.
00:21:36I'm the don't let stuff go guy.
00:21:39Like, if I...
00:21:40If I pass a store I've had a problem with,
00:21:45every time I pass that store, I'm like this.
00:21:49I'm like this.
00:21:51Okay, the same thing.
00:21:53That's why I'm a little chubby.
00:21:55Yeah?
00:21:56I'm a little chubby.
00:21:57And just a little back.
00:21:58Let's get to this shit, like, why I'm really here.
00:22:00I'm here to bitch about shit, you know?
00:22:01I don't know how to let stuff go.
00:22:02I'm the don't let stuff go guy.
00:22:03That goes that motherfucking story.
00:22:11And I bet that bitch is in there, too.
00:22:16See, I get pissed off about shit.
00:22:21People piss me off, you know?
00:22:22And if I didn't have comedy, you know what I would need?
00:22:24The Purge.
00:22:25That's what I would need.
00:22:29The Purge.
00:22:30Oh, God, I wish that was real.
00:22:34The Purge is, like, the best concept for a movie ever.
00:22:38So society can blow off steam, murder is legal for one night a year.
00:22:44Man, you walk out of that theater like...
00:22:50Who would I kill?
00:22:54Like, I don't care who you are, you had a Purge list in that movie.
00:22:58You were in there like, okay, that bitch is dead.
00:23:00Like, even the person you were with, you had a moment of, like, huh, uh...
00:23:07Do you understand that we would interact with each other differently if the Purge were real?
00:23:15Like, if you went to work and your boss was yelling at you, you would be like,
00:23:19You know the Purge is coming, right?
00:23:27I mean, I'm not threatening you.
00:23:31You just acting real Purge-y right now.
00:23:33That's all I'm trying to say.
00:23:35I mean, I'm going to do the reports, but let's taunt it down a little bit.
00:23:38Let's taunt it down.
00:23:38Every relationship, it would always get to, oh, you're going to Purge me, bitch?
00:23:48Like, we would interact with each other.
00:23:51You know, like, there would be jobs that would disappear.
00:23:54Professions, gone.
00:23:55Like, meter maid, gone.
00:23:58Who the fuck would do that job?
00:24:02Airport security, gone.
00:24:04Black women in customer service.
00:24:10Sorry, boo-boo.
00:24:12Sorry, boo-boo.
00:24:16Nobody's putting up with that bullshit anymore.
00:24:20I'm just trying to return something.
00:24:22And she backed that, well, you need to have a receipt.
00:24:27You don't got a receipt?
00:24:29This motherfucker don't got a receipt.
00:24:31I can't see your tag.
00:24:34Oh, Tanisha, um, you know the Purge has come here, right, Tanisha?
00:24:41You should probably take this sweater back without the receipt.
00:24:43I'm just throwing that out at you.
00:24:46And it's just one night.
00:24:47It was just one night, 12 hours, not even a full day.
00:24:51And they even had an alarm.
00:24:52Like, in the Purge, there was an alarm.
00:24:54Like, purge over.
00:24:57Stop killing.
00:24:57I always thought, what if you're in mid-kill?
00:25:03What if you're just in mid?
00:25:05You mother fucker.
00:25:09Action!
00:25:15Fuck!
00:25:15You know I'm just playing.
00:25:26Come here.
00:25:29You know I would never.
00:25:30Sit down, boo-boo.
00:25:31Sit down.
00:25:32Let me go get that receipt out the car.
00:25:35I had a list of things I call my purgeable offenses.
00:25:46Things I would purge.
00:25:47I have a list.
00:25:48It's in my phone.
00:25:49I add to it all the time.
00:25:50Like, pedestrians.
00:25:52That are walking across the street with that, we have the right-of-way attitude.
00:26:02You're supposed to walk across the street with an apologetic skip.
00:26:09You're supposed to hit the intersection like, oh, car.
00:26:11My bad.
00:26:11Get out of your way.
00:26:14Oh, shit.
00:26:14You in a rush.
00:26:15My bad.
00:26:17Here's how people walk across the street.
00:26:19Purge.
00:26:30They gotta die.
00:26:31They gotta die.
00:26:33They gotta die.
00:26:34Right in the middle of the street.
00:26:36How about these companies and organizations that are asking you to fax them documents?
00:26:43It's 2016.
00:26:45Who the fuck has a fax?
00:26:50I don't even have a home phone to hook a fax machine up to.
00:27:01You gotta go to Kinko's and send them a piece of paper that says purge on it.
00:27:05How about this?
00:27:14I love going to restaurants.
00:27:15I eat out a lot.
00:27:16I love to eat out.
00:27:17And I love waiters and waitresses.
00:27:18I know it's a tough job.
00:27:19I know there's waiters and waitresses in here, and I love you, but I have a request at a restaurant.
00:27:24Write down my motherfucking order.
00:27:30This little up-close magic trick you like to do with your little memory game.
00:27:34I don't give a fuck.
00:27:37Keep that skill to yourself.
00:27:39Go juggle in the circus or some shit.
00:27:41I don't care.
00:27:42Write down.
00:27:43You're giving me anxiety.
00:27:44That's why I need you to write this shit down.
00:27:45Okay, my order is finicky.
00:27:48I'll go as far as to say is my order is a purgeable offense.
00:27:51I get that.
00:27:53But I need you to write it down, okay?
00:27:55Like, you know, this is my order.
00:27:57They come over.
00:27:58Okay, everybody's done?
00:28:00Okay, cool.
00:28:01Um, turkey burger.
00:28:04Wheat bun, lightly toasted.
00:28:07Let's get the mayo on the bottom bun.
00:28:08Pickles on the side, no tomatoes.
00:28:10Let's grill the onions.
00:28:11I haven't even got to the french fries and the salad.
00:28:15And don't get me started on the Arnold Palmer iced tea lemonade ratio.
00:28:21Here's why I need you to write down my order, because when you leave the table, this is me.
00:28:29She stopped at another table.
00:28:31How the fuck is she going to remember all of that?
00:28:35Is this bitch on break?
00:28:36Where's she going down?
00:28:38Now for 20 minutes, I'm ruining the whole table, because this is me at the table.
00:28:42There is no fucking way.
00:28:47There's no way she's going to remember this order.
00:28:50Here come the burger with tomatoes.
00:28:51Purge.
00:28:52That bitch has to die.
00:28:56She got to die.
00:28:58How about this?
00:28:58Clubs, bars, restaurants, hotels.
00:29:01Any place that uses cheap toilet paper.
00:29:05Hey, guess what?
00:29:06You're not saving money.
00:29:09I have to use nine times the amount.
00:29:15Just to put a dent into this mess.
00:29:17You get some charmin' in here.
00:29:27I have a simple rule.
00:29:29If there's anything on my finger, perch.
00:29:31Yeah, that's...
00:29:32That's dookie.
00:29:34We got to burn this down.
00:29:35Who's in charge of purchasing to have to die?
00:29:42I travel a lot, too.
00:29:43I travel a lot.
00:29:44I'm a comic.
00:29:45I'm always on a plane.
00:29:46I'm always at an airport.
00:29:47I fucking hate the airport.
00:29:48Okay?
00:29:49First of all, people are the problem, right?
00:29:51There should be two lines at the airport.
00:29:54One for...
00:29:55One for...
00:29:56Experienced.
00:29:59Considerate.
00:30:00Traveler.
00:30:01And then one for asshole.
00:30:06The asshole doesn't even know he's the asshole.
00:30:08It's the dude that's overdressed.
00:30:09Too many layers.
00:30:10You know the guy?
00:30:10Three-piece suit.
00:30:11Poncho.
00:30:12Beanie.
00:30:13Wrestling belt buckle.
00:30:15Janitor keys.
00:30:16Pager.
00:30:17Change in his pocket.
00:30:18Hey, are you doing laundry on the plane?
00:30:30Is there some kind of vending machine on this motherfucker?
00:30:33I don't know about.
00:30:35And then he's got too many trays because he's too cheap to check in his big electronics.
00:30:40You know the big electronics guy?
00:30:41Six laptops, a VCR.
00:30:45Where the fuck are you going?
00:30:49With the VCR.
00:30:52Check this in, dude.
00:30:54And then you can't go to the bathroom at the airport because everybody's in a rush.
00:30:58Pull out his dick too soon guy always comes in.
00:31:03The guys know who I'm talking about.
00:31:05You know this dude?
00:31:06Just dick out early for no reason.
00:31:09There's no business for his dick to be out this early.
00:31:14Like, this is the urinal over here and the door is over here.
00:31:18And he wants to walk in.
00:31:25Excuse me.
00:31:26Why is your dick out already?
00:31:29Okay, this is the dick out zone right here.
00:31:32Dick out zone?
00:31:32Okay, oh, this was dick in.
00:31:35This is all dick in.
00:31:38Yeah, over here was dick in.
00:31:39This is all dick in.
00:31:41And then I thought he grazed me with it on the way by.
00:31:44You know, I'm peeing and just like, oh, is that dick?
00:31:48What's that?
00:31:52And it took him too long to put it away.
00:31:54I had to step in.
00:31:56Hey, man.
00:31:57Can you put your dick away?
00:32:01What's it to you?
00:32:02Uh, this is a baggage claim.
00:32:04Okay, so...
00:32:05Your dick has been out since gate 75.
00:32:10Let's put your shit away.
00:32:11I tell you the people that get on my nerves the most at the airport is when you're at
00:32:17the gate trying to board.
00:32:19Now look, I got the...
00:32:20I've done well for myself, okay?
00:32:23I got a lot of airline miles.
00:32:25I travel a lot.
00:32:25I'm in the good group.
00:32:26I got the credit card.
00:32:28I'm zone one.
00:32:29They called me first.
00:32:32Zone one.
00:32:34Zone one.
00:32:35Can board the plane.
00:32:35And you know I got this.
00:32:37Zone one.
00:32:38Walk.
00:32:42I'm slapping five with zone two.
00:32:44What's up, zone two?
00:32:47Keep working hard, zone two.
00:32:48Keep working hard.
00:32:52I can't stand when I'm trying to board the plane and these zone seven people are standing
00:32:56in the fucking way.
00:32:57Like, you know, and they're looking at their ticket like they don't know.
00:33:00Is it our turn?
00:33:00Oh, it's not on here.
00:33:05Hey, riffraff.
00:33:09Can you please get your middle seat ass out the fucking way?
00:33:16People that make good life choices are trying to get on this plane.
00:33:23Listen to all these zone seven motherfuckers right now.
00:33:27There should be a purge line into an alligator pit.
00:33:31You know what I mean?
00:33:33But I tell you the people you need to set on fire is people with babies.
00:33:36Babies.
00:33:38Oh, fuck you.
00:33:41Babies on an airplane?
00:33:43I'm always like, when I see the baby, I'm like, hey, where the fuck are you going?
00:33:48With this baby?
00:33:49Baby, whoever you're taking this baby to see, tell them to come see you.
00:34:01Hey, tell Nana, get her old ass on an airplane.
00:34:07If she can't fly, get that bitch on a greyhound, all right?
00:34:10But you know, people with babies, they always say, well, we deserve to have a real life, too.
00:34:17No.
00:34:21No, no.
00:34:22You wanted to have a baby.
00:34:25That's your life now.
00:34:27Don't put that shit on us.
00:34:28I didn't get to enjoy making this baby.
00:34:32I don't want to deal with this little motherfucker.
00:34:36People with babies shouldn't be allowed to do shit in public for five years.
00:34:42Or until their baby learns the words, shut the fuck up.
00:34:47You ever at a restaurant, trying to impress a chick?
00:34:52Here comes the toddler, cock-blocking you in the booth.
00:34:55Hi.
00:34:59Hi.
00:35:01She's pretty.
00:35:02Who the fuck's cute?
00:35:06I can't stand to see babies out at a grown folks' activity.
00:35:12It's selfish.
00:35:14You know what it is?
00:35:15Parents are desensitized.
00:35:17That's all it is.
00:35:18They don't know all the nonsense that's going on.
00:35:20It's supposed to be at home.
00:35:21Remember your friend?
00:35:22Before they had the kid, you would go to their house.
00:35:24You had to use a coaster.
00:35:26You had to take your shoes off to go inside.
00:35:28The walls were clean.
00:35:29There was adult shit on the stereo.
00:35:31Two years later, it's Jumanji in that bitch.
00:35:37Monkeys on the chandelier.
00:35:38He's stepping on toys.
00:35:40Elmo was blasting on the goddamn TV.
00:35:43And they're oblivious.
00:35:44Hey!
00:35:46Come on in.
00:35:48Just step over all these fires.
00:35:49It's fine.
00:35:50We're going to put them out later.
00:35:53And then they bring all that to a restaurant like the shit is okay.
00:35:58You know what I resent at a restaurant?
00:36:00It's that you have to pretend like you're okay with little kids.
00:36:03You know, you have to be like, oh, he's adorable.
00:36:08Oh, how old is he?
00:36:09Oh, look how fast.
00:36:09He's fast.
00:36:10He's so fast.
00:36:11Look how fast he is.
00:36:11Oh, his little legs are so fast in the restaurant.
00:36:15He's so fast.
00:36:18Let me tell you something.
00:36:19Bringing your little toddler to a restaurant is equivalent to bringing an exotic bird to
00:36:24a restaurant.
00:36:27Imagine you're in the back.
00:36:28You're just enjoying yourself.
00:36:29And all of a sudden you hear,
00:36:31What the fuck is going on in here?
00:36:41It got my bread.
00:36:43It took my bread.
00:36:43Let me tell you the difference between a bird and a toddler.
00:36:52Nothing.
00:36:55The only real difference is how we can respond.
00:36:59At least with a bird, you could be like this.
00:37:02Hey!
00:37:04Get your fucking bird!
00:37:09Who the fuck brings a bird
00:37:11to a restaurant, man?
00:37:15I'll eat this motherfucker, I swear to God.
00:37:21Can't do that with a four-year-old.
00:37:25Haven't you been close to just want to snatch a kid?
00:37:27Come here!
00:37:28Stop moving!
00:37:29Whose is this?
00:37:29Is this you?
00:37:31Is this you?
00:37:33You take him, you just throw him on the table.
00:37:36Seatbelt that motherfucker.
00:37:41So annoying.
00:37:46But I gotta tell you, babies are still the worst.
00:37:48People take babies places, I don't know what.
00:37:51You know, there are two places I can't stand the most.
00:37:53The first one is Vegas.
00:37:54You ever go to Vegas?
00:37:56And there's the young parents with their new kid.
00:37:58You know, the mom's over by the slot machine,
00:38:01pregnant with another one.
00:38:05Hey, you've already made a bad decision.
00:38:07You gambled on the pullout and lost.
00:38:16So let's take the little money you wasting on this trip
00:38:19and put it in the college fund
00:38:20so your kid can escape your bullshit.
00:38:26Vegas, listen, young parents,
00:38:28Vegas is over for you,
00:38:29or get a babysitter, okay?
00:38:32I should be able to walk down the strip,
00:38:33I need some pussy to knock.
00:38:37Here you are with your kid.
00:38:38Oh, he ain't my kid.
00:38:39You know what?
00:38:40Fuck your kid.
00:38:46This is crazy.
00:38:51But you guys know the absolute worst place
00:38:54to take a baby.
00:38:55It's the movie theater.
00:38:57Yeah, you're a selfish bitch.
00:39:03Oh, I know Batman Superman's out,
00:39:05but guess what?
00:39:06You don't get to see it?
00:39:09Netflix for you, Amazon, Hulu.
00:39:12They're always in the theater
00:39:13like they're helping too, right?
00:39:15Shh.
00:39:17Shh.
00:39:19Get the bag.
00:39:21Shh.
00:39:23Shh.
00:39:24Is somebody making a latte?
00:39:25I'm in the movie
00:39:31and this woman's breastfeeding.
00:39:34Titty out, no regard.
00:39:37I know it was out.
00:39:38I didn't need to see it.
00:39:39You know what I mean?
00:39:41You know how I know this is all I heard?
00:39:42Shh.
00:39:43Shh.
00:39:43Shh.
00:39:44Shh.
00:39:44Shh.
00:39:45Shh.
00:39:45Shh.
00:39:46Shh.
00:39:46Shh.
00:39:47Shh.
00:39:47Shh.
00:39:48Shh.
00:39:48Shh.
00:39:49Shh.
00:39:49Shh.
00:39:50Shh.
00:39:50Shh.
00:39:51Shh.
00:39:51Shh.
00:39:52Shh.
00:39:52Shh.
00:39:53Shh.
00:39:53Shh.
00:39:54Shh.
00:39:54Shh.
00:39:55Shh.
00:39:55Shh.
00:39:56Shh.
00:39:57Shh.
00:39:57Shh.
00:39:58Shh.
00:39:58Shh.
00:39:59Shh.
00:39:59Shh.
00:40:00Shh.
00:40:00Shh.
00:40:01Shh.
00:40:01Shh.
00:40:02Shh.
00:40:02Shh.
00:40:03Shh.
00:40:04Shh.
00:40:04You were tearing that titty up.
00:40:06I mean, is that titty for everybody?
00:40:09I mean, is there chocolate on that nipple?
00:40:14There are cell phones going off, and let's be honest.
00:40:21Isn't vibrate a ringtone?
00:40:23The phone is on.
00:40:27Man, you don't hear your phone?
00:40:31You don't hear your phone?
00:40:32It's in the cup holder.
00:40:34It's in the cup holder.
00:40:35It's in the cup holder.
00:40:36It's in the cup holder.
00:40:38It's in the cup holder.
00:40:40It's in the cup holder.
00:40:48Purge.
00:40:49That bitch has to die.
00:40:51The baby dies.
00:40:52I personally, I can't stand people that don't know how to use their cell phone.
00:41:00You know, it's so annoying, you know.
00:41:02People are so inconsiderate with their phones, you know.
00:41:04Like, the girls will text you an important question
00:41:06and then throw their phone across the room.
00:41:09Hey, what time's the movie?
00:41:15Every guy gets right back to him, right?
00:41:16Oh, seven.
00:41:18Now we're walking around for 20 minutes.
00:41:19Hello?
00:41:22Hey, are we going to this motherfucking movie?
00:41:25Hello?
00:41:27That's when they come back, calm down.
00:41:30I'm busy.
00:41:31I'm not waiting by my phone for you.
00:41:35Oh, for sure.
00:41:37If this was 1987, I'm sure you wouldn't be waiting by your one phone that's connected to the den wall.
00:41:45Since we're in 2016, you're literally always waiting by your phone.
00:41:50Too busy taking a selfie.
00:41:52This is me not returning your text.
00:41:58So annoying.
00:42:00My mom is the worst with the cell phone.
00:42:05The absolute worst.
00:42:07She had to have an iPhone, right?
00:42:09My mom's not dumb.
00:42:10She just stopped learning shit in 83.
00:42:15You know what I mean?
00:42:16Like, 83 is when she was like, you know, I don't need any more knowledge.
00:42:20Like, my mom has a fax machine.
00:42:22This bitch has a fax machine!
00:42:23You know what I mean?
00:42:25Hooked up 24 hours a day.
00:42:26Who is faxing you, Mom?
00:42:31She's stubborn.
00:42:31My mom is so stubborn.
00:42:33Like, this is an example.
00:42:35I'm in the car with my mom.
00:42:36I'm driving.
00:42:37She looks out the passenger window and says,
00:42:39Eric, look, it's Antonio Banderas.
00:42:42Listen, I don't even need a long glance to know that's not Antonio Banderas.
00:42:51Okay?
00:42:52I just needed one of these.
00:42:54My, that's not Antonio Banderas.
00:42:55She's like, I know Antonio Banderas when I see Antonio Banderas.
00:43:02That is Antonio Banderas.
00:43:04Okay, I'm gonna go over why it probably wasn't.
00:43:12Let's open with the 1997 Ford F-150 that the dude was driving.
00:43:22But you know what?
00:43:22I'm not gonna assume shit.
00:43:23I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt.
00:43:25Maybe that's the first car Antonio bought and he's feeling nostalgic.
00:43:32He went into the garage like, you know what?
00:43:34Get me the F-150.
00:43:38I'm gonna give her that.
00:43:39But I thought the gardening equipment in the back of the truck
00:43:46and the phone number to his service on the side.
00:43:49I know my mom saw that, but she's so stubborn, she had to come up with a story.
00:43:57Well, Antonio was a nice man.
00:43:59His gardener obviously hurt himself.
00:44:01And he is taking his truck back to his place, obviously.
00:44:05My mom had to have an iPhone.
00:44:10I said, okay, she can barely work the remote control to the TV.
00:44:16So I said, okay, I'll get you the iPhone.
00:44:18For the first week, every first text message was completely blank.
00:44:22With a follow-up phone call, did you get my text?
00:44:28She figured out the texting, right?
00:44:35And then the second week, she asked me these dumb questions.
00:44:37Hey, how do you get out of this window?
00:44:40I said, well, the iPhone has one button.
00:44:49You would think out of curiosity,
00:44:54she would just press that one button.
00:44:58But apparently that's the, you know, the conveniently placed self-destruct button.
00:45:04My mom's on Facebook, so this is a can of worms in itself.
00:45:11My mom can't figure out the status messages aren't private messages.
00:45:17So she's having a full-on conversation with her sister about going to the gynecologist.
00:45:24On one of my pictures.
00:45:35I got friends and fans and people chiming in.
00:45:38Man, your mom's pussy.
00:45:43Now I got to block her.
00:45:44I had to block her on Facebook and then lie to her.
00:45:48I can't seem to find you.
00:45:50You don't know what you're doing, mom.
00:45:55My mom, she'll ask a question and the nature of the question,
00:45:59you know, she don't know what the hell she's talking about.
00:46:02Now, here's a Facebook question from my mom.
00:46:06Eric, when I get a Facebook message on the cell phone,
00:46:11I get that same message on the computer.
00:46:16How do I make that stop?
00:46:23I was like, okay, let's role play, mom.
00:46:25It'll be you.
00:46:26I'm going to ask you a similar question.
00:46:29Maybe that'll help you understand.
00:46:30Eric,
00:46:35scandal came on on the upstairs TV.
00:46:44And on the downstairs TV,
00:46:48scandal came on.
00:46:50How do I make that stop?
00:46:58Well, she got mad as shit, just so you know.
00:47:02That's not the same thing.
00:47:04She was like, I'm not stupid.
00:47:06I know how to do stuff.
00:47:08That's her favorite thing to say.
00:47:09I'm not stupid.
00:47:10I know how to do stuff.
00:47:11So I'm going to tell you guys the moment that I was like,
00:47:14do not call me for customer service for this phone ever again.
00:47:18Here's what happened.
00:47:19My mom uses Gmail.
00:47:21I put the Gmail app on her phone, got her password, boom, boom, boom, save.
00:47:26Now she can go to Gmail on the phone.
00:47:28My mom can't remember her password to save her own life.
00:47:31Now she's on the computer and she can't log in.
00:47:35You know what she does?
00:47:36She clicks the link, forgot my password.
00:47:41That makes you change your password.
00:47:43So boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, change, save.
00:47:45This saved password on the cell phone no longer works.
00:47:54You know what she does?
00:47:55Forgot my password.
00:47:59Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, save.
00:48:02Let's go to the computer.
00:48:08Forgot my password.
00:48:11My mom's caught in an iPhone groundhog day.
00:48:15And then she calls me on my stepfather's phone mad.
00:48:21You know you got me a faulty iPhone.
00:48:26So now I got to rush over there and try to help her out, right?
00:48:29So what I did was I sat and watched her for like an hour like this.
00:48:40Now Google is making her verify her identity.
00:48:43She done done this shit so many times.
00:48:44Like, bitch, who the fuck is this?
00:48:48So she had to use an alternate email.
00:48:50Okay.
00:48:51My mom put my stepfather's email in.
00:48:54I just wanted to make sure it was okay.
00:48:56I said, Ma, you know you put Michael's email.
00:48:59This is my mom.
00:49:00No, I didn't.
00:49:02Why would I do that?
00:49:03I'm not stupid.
00:49:05Ma, I'm not calling you stupid.
00:49:07I'm just saying you put Michael's email.
00:49:08Do you know you did that?
00:49:09I didn't do that.
00:49:10Why would I do that?
00:49:11I'm not dumb.
00:49:12So I say, okay, tell me your theory as to how this email got here.
00:49:18This is what my mother said to me with a straight face.
00:49:23Well, maybe Google knows we're married.
00:49:33Purge.
00:49:33That bitch is dead.
00:49:34You know they say you end up with someone like your mom?
00:49:47That scares the shit out of me.
00:49:49That's why I online date.
00:49:54I like to go online dating is great.
00:49:57You got to go into online dating, but it's just,
00:49:59there's too many sites for people that already have something in common.
00:50:04Like J-Date seems like a stupid site.
00:50:06Jews already know where Jews are.
00:50:12You don't need a site for that.
00:50:14Black people meet another dumb site.
00:50:16You know what's the worst?
00:50:16Christian mingle.
00:50:19Christians already have a place.
00:50:26That they should meet other Christians.
00:50:30Are you telling me that Christians are at church going like this?
00:50:41I don't trust any of these motherfuckers.
00:50:46We should go to the internet.
00:50:48Let's go to the internet.
00:50:53Farmers are the only people that should be online.
00:50:55And the reason is they got to walk 65 acres to get to the next.
00:51:04By the time you get to the next farm, you're like, what's up girl?
00:51:11It's hot as a motherfucker out here, huh?
00:51:14It's hot as I was getting to the next farm.
00:51:15It's hot as I was going to be in the next farm.
00:51:16The last farm is up being the middle of the farm.
00:51:19It's hot as I was getting the middle of the farm.
00:51:19Yeah, oh God.
00:51:19The first farm was a big thing.
00:51:21Also it's got to go out.
00:51:22You got to put a sign up.
00:51:30Look, we're all online.
00:51:32That's why I need to know about you.
00:51:34You need to know about me.
00:51:35So let's have all your crazy on your profile.
00:51:41I'm just saying, be you.
00:51:43Be who you are currently online.
00:51:48I don't want to see a picture that's 30 pounds lighter.
00:51:5515 years younger.
00:51:57Whatever defines you, have that on your profile.
00:52:01When I shake your hand is not when I'm supposed to find out about your hook.
00:52:10First date is not hook time, okay?
00:52:12I'm not supposed to be like, oh, okay, this bitch has a hook.
00:52:15Okay, um, hey.
00:52:18Hey.
00:52:20No, all your pictures should be like.
00:52:29You should be hanging on shit.
00:52:35Fuck yeah, you can't come with the hook on the first date.
00:52:39And I want to plan a proper date, too.
00:52:42What if I want to do something off the beaten path?
00:52:44I want to take you to make pottery.
00:52:49I'm trying to redo Ghost and you fucking it up.
00:52:53Would you use your other hand, bitch?
00:52:55What are you doing over here?
00:52:56No, if I find out you have a hook, I'm taking you fishing.
00:53:01You on the side of the boat.
00:53:06You going to pull out a marlin and shit.
00:53:08Be you online.
00:53:17And don't have this picture either.
00:53:19From here to here, that's catfishing.
00:53:21That's not enough.
00:53:22I don't know what you are from here to here.
00:53:27You could be anything.
00:53:28You could be a centaur, father fucker.
00:53:30No.
00:53:34Imagine you get on a blind date and some chick is...
00:53:36This bitch is a centaur.
00:53:44Hey!
00:53:48What?
00:53:51Centaur?
00:53:53You know, when you said bring a saddle,
00:53:55I had a whole different, you know.
00:54:00You got to ride her on the date.
00:54:02Oh, is that your titty?
00:54:06I'm sorry.
00:54:09This is not enough.
00:54:10She could be a mermaid just in water
00:54:12waiting for you at the restaurant.
00:54:22This bitch is a mermaid.
00:54:25We're at a sushi restaurant.
00:54:27Do you see how that's not a good date?
00:54:35Okay, that's all make-believe.
00:54:36Let me give you a real example.
00:54:39Let's say you've seen just this picture.
00:54:41You're hitting it off.
00:54:42Two, three weeks.
00:54:43Get on a date and she's in a wheelchair.
00:54:47Oh, really?
00:54:50Oh, really?
00:54:51So let me get this straight.
00:54:54I don't know the chick's in a wheelchair
00:54:56and somehow I'm the asshole right now.
00:55:00Just because she texted,
00:55:01I'm rolling through around seven.
00:55:09And you know what?
00:55:10Fuck all of you hypocrites.
00:55:12If this was coming at you at a restaurant,
00:55:14hey!
00:55:18You'd all be like,
00:55:19this motherfucker's in a wheelchair.
00:55:21Just like,
00:55:23can't excuse me,
00:55:26is the centaur still here?
00:55:28Can you?
00:55:30Look outside and see if the centaur is here.
00:55:36What if you like,
00:55:37you all the way across the room,
00:55:39restaurant,
00:55:39here she come in,
00:55:40I'll be right over.
00:55:41Is that your purse?
00:55:45Oh, God,
00:55:49did I spill your drink?
00:55:49I'm so sorry.
00:55:57You'd be like,
00:55:58this motherfucker's in a wheelchair.
00:56:05All I'm saying is the chair
00:56:06should be in the picture.
00:56:11Is that fair?
00:56:13The chair should be in the picture.
00:56:15You know what I mean?
00:56:15She should be just like...
00:56:17She should be popping a wheelie
00:56:20in the chair.
00:56:21That's why every online profile picture
00:56:33should be this.
00:56:40You should be able to turn it
00:56:41like a car website.
00:56:48Put different clothes on it.
00:56:51Let me see these titties
00:56:54in a sundress.
00:56:55You know what I mean?
00:56:57Even wheelchair girls
00:56:58should have to do it.
00:57:02Put some spinners on that.
00:57:04Okay.
00:57:05That part was too far.
00:57:06Fuck you.
00:57:09My whole point is
00:57:10I'm going to plan
00:57:11a proper date.
00:57:14Right?
00:57:15I don't know
00:57:16where the hell I'm going to take you.
00:57:17What if I want to go dinner and dance it?
00:57:19What the fuck do you do?
00:57:19If you're...
00:57:21You know,
00:57:21every guy would do the same thing.
00:57:22You just roll her ass out
00:57:24onto her dance floor
00:57:24and just fucking go for the shit.
00:57:28While she's doing
00:57:29the electric slide.
00:57:30Two hops.
00:57:40Two hops.
00:57:44Please.
00:57:45Fuck you.
00:57:45The whole crowd would be like,
00:57:46oh!
00:57:49We doing this?
00:57:54All I'm saying is
00:57:54you got to tell me you're in a wheelchair
00:57:55so I can plan a proper date.
00:57:59If you tell me you're in a wheelchair,
00:58:00we're going to Six Flags.
00:58:10We got the good parking out front.
00:58:14And we get to jump the line, too.
00:58:16Excuse me.
00:58:17My boo-boo is zone one.
00:58:30So we got to go online.
00:58:33But have all your crazy,
00:58:34by the way.
00:58:35Not just physical.
00:58:36If you got Tourette's,
00:58:37that's a first date.
00:58:39That should be on your profile.
00:58:40Tourette's girl, 87.
00:58:41I don't get on a date,
00:58:45fussy, butt, butt, fuck, shit.
00:58:48But that's what?
00:58:53Like, whatever your crazy is,
00:58:55you got to tell her.
00:58:57Like, let me tell you
00:58:57what happened to me.
00:58:58I went on this date.
00:59:01And we're about to order food
00:59:02when she hits me
00:59:03with this little gym.
00:59:05Hey, you know I'm a vegan, right?
00:59:08No, bitch.
00:59:15Would we be in this barbecue restaurant?
00:59:23You know why I was mad?
00:59:24She didn't give me
00:59:25the benefit of the doubt.
00:59:27You tell me you're vegan,
00:59:28I'm taking you to the broccoli shack.
00:59:30We're going to the celery hut.
00:59:32Wherever the hell you need to go,
00:59:33I'm gonna take you there.
00:59:35What really pissed me off
00:59:36is she smoked.
00:59:37She was a smoking vegan.
00:59:47I told her, I said,
00:59:48that's like wearing a condom
00:59:49with a hole in it.
00:59:55And I don't hate vegans.
00:59:56I'm not trying to hate on vegans.
00:59:58I'm just saying, you know,
01:00:00don't disguise your nasty food.
01:00:04That shit that I like.
01:00:05Don't misrepresent what this is.
01:00:09Like, have you ever had vegan pizza?
01:00:13Oh.
01:00:14Vegan pizza's like a transvestite.
01:00:18From a distance, you're like this.
01:00:20Well, what do we have had?
01:00:35And then you take a bite.
01:00:37Is that dick?
01:00:38I think that's dick.
01:00:42There's dick on this.
01:00:43Can you get me the real cheese?
01:00:47Listen, you guys have been
01:00:48a very fantastic crowd.
01:00:52Thank you very much for coming out.
01:00:55Thank you very much.