Stand-up comedian Deon Cole performs at the Laff House in Philadelphia, in a set taped before he became a star.
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00:00This brother here is here in Barbershop 1 & 2.
00:13You just saw him on Comic View a couple of days ago.
00:16He's doing stuff with Dave Chappelle and Comedy Central
00:19and all that right here at the Laugh House for you tonight.
00:22Put your hands together for the nigga walking on the stage,
00:24Dion Cole!
00:30I just don't be having no time for all that shit, you know.
00:41He broke bread with Jesus.
00:44He makes one hell of a meatloaf. Give it up for him.
00:47Come on, motherfucker. Damn, man.
00:51Give it up for everybody I've seen tonight, man, doing their shit, man.
00:55Give them some love, all the other time.
01:00Man, this is our last show. Jesus.
01:08I'm feeling like a slave in this motherfucker.
01:11I'm like, oh, I'm so sleepy. They're like, got another show.
01:15I'll be like, yes, sir. I'll be ready, sir. I'll smash you out to be ready.
01:20They got to get a Hennessy and Cranberry, please.
01:23That's my drink right there, you know.
01:27That way you're able to get fucked up and clean your system out at the same time.
01:32That's why I'm drunk now.
01:36I told them to put me first.
01:39I was like, if I wait, I'm going to be fucked up. I'm funny.
01:49I like to stay even when I get fucked up.
01:52Like I just found out fish is brain food to enhance your brain cells, and that's good to know.
01:56Because weed kill your brain cells.
01:59So if I eat some fish, after every joint, I should be even in the motherfucker then, right?
02:10I might just start smoking fish.
02:15Just cut the middle man out.
02:17I like drinking Budweiser. This is my shit.
02:24White people got me drinking this, man. I love white people. They the shit.
02:29I tell you, Hispanic people, black people, find some white friends to kick it with, and white people be getting fucked up.
02:35I mean, they get fucked up.
02:37They don't even get fucked up. What's they word? They get shit-faced, dude. That's what they do.
02:43I'm telling you, man. White people the shit. They got me drinking this, man.
02:54I be kicking on my boy time, man. One time I went to a party with them, man.
02:58They kept giving me beers. I had about 17 of them motherfuckers all night.
03:04I'm telling you, man.
03:06Thanks, man. I appreciate it.
03:08It's the last show. I want you to go out with a bang, you know?
03:18I went to a party one time, man. We was getting so fucked up, man.
03:21Like I said, man, I had about 17 of them motherfuckers.
03:24They was just like, yo, Dion, bro, grab another Bud, dude.
03:29I was like, that's all right.
03:31I drink with my black friends. They be hiding six-packs in their room and shit.
03:38You know, beer that I brought over there, you know.
03:41Waiting on me to leave so they can drink with their real friends.
03:47It's bullshit.
03:49One time the police pulled us up and gave my friend Tom a DUI.
03:53I wasn't mad about that.
03:54What pissed me off about the police is when the police pull over a carload of people
03:58and they arrest the driver for being under their influence.
04:00Why do the police always ask the other people in the car are they capable of driving the car home?
04:05Like we ain't fucked up with the driver.
04:10I'm looking at the police like, duh, officer, we had a designated driver, right?
04:14We realized he was the least fucked up than everybody else in the car, okay?
04:20How in the fuck are we gonna get home, huh?
04:24Ain't considerate motherfuckers, boy.
04:28So they locked us all up.
04:31Wanted me to pay a fine and then go to rehab.
04:33I was like, I paid a fine, but I'm not going to no motherfucking rehab.
04:37Shit, rehab's for quitters.
04:39Fuck that.
04:46I'm about to turn in my real nigga card.
04:49I'm not a real nigga no more, so brothers, don't call me that shit no more.
04:54I'm serious, man. I don't want to be a real nigga no more.
04:58It's too expensive.
05:00You got about platinum and diamonds and rims and own your own record label and clothing line.
05:09You got to be child support and lawyers and all that bullshit.
05:13Fuck that.
05:15I'm about to just go and go back and be a colored.
05:18It's cheaper.
05:19When you see me, just be like, that go my colored over there.
05:29My colored, what's up, baby?
05:35I just did a music video with this group.
05:38Rap video.
05:40That shit was so disappointing, man.
05:42I did not know, after the video was over with, everything that was in that video, they ain't own none of that shit.
05:50I was on they dick for no reason.
05:54I'm walking around there, y'all need a drink, a beer, a cigarette?
05:57I'm just on these niggas dicks all night, you know.
06:00After the video was over with, they was like, alright, it's a wrap, thank you.
06:03Watch out, here come the furniture guy.
06:05The furniture guy came in, took all the furniture away and shit.
06:08Here come the jewelry motherfucker.
06:09He like, ahem, ahem.
06:12Take all this shit off, put it on the tray.
06:15All the women got fully dressed.
06:16I was in the pool and shit, you know.
06:19Flatbed come, they put the Bentley on, the Ferrari.
06:21Take all the cars away and shit.
06:23I'm like, damn.
06:24And then they leave.
06:26They ain't leaving separate cars.
06:28They all up in one motherfucking van.
06:31On some scoot over shit.
06:33Get your leg off me shit.
06:36I got the front seat shit.
06:39Couldn't fucking believe that, man.
06:44If there's any drug dealers in the house, I want you to keep up the good work.
06:48Don't get caught.
06:50People like me need you out here.
06:54The guy was buying weed in Chicago.
06:56I was buying weed for him.
06:57He died, man.
06:58That shit hurt my soul real bad.
07:01If there's any drug dealers in the house, I want to let you know.
07:04You know, you can't be out on the streets getting shot and stabbed and shit like that, man.
07:10I mean, you got responsibilities.
07:11You got to think about your customers, you know.
07:12Go to this dude house and get some weed.
07:13It says, answer the door.
07:14I'm like, hey, Rita, it's that snake.
07:15I want to get a little 20.
07:16She's like, Deion, snake dead.
07:17I'm like, what?
07:18So it ain't no weed here?
07:19Fucked up.
07:20I remember one time I tried to get hired.
07:22My little Hispanic homie told me.
07:23He was like, yo, Deion Holmes, if you don't have no weed, take some cigarettes.
07:25Dip him in some NyQuil.
07:27Dry them and smoke them.
07:28You'll be fucked up.
07:29You'll be fucked up.
07:30I'm like, what?
07:31So it ain't no weed here?
07:32Fucked up.
07:33I remember one time I tried to get hired.
07:34My little Hispanic homie told me.
07:35He was like, yo, Deion Holmes, if you don't have no weed, take some cigarettes.
07:36Dip him in some NyQuil.
07:37Dry them and smoke them.
07:38You'll be fucked up.
07:39Fucked up.
07:40I'm like, my 집's up.
07:41I'm like, no, no, no.
07:42You don't have no weed.
07:43It's pretty good.
07:44We're all pretty good.
07:45No, no.
07:46You know, it's pretty good.
07:47I'm like, what?
07:48I look like, I'm like, no, no...
07:49I'm like, you know.
07:50If you don't have no weed, take some cigarettes.
07:52I don't know.
07:55If you don't have no weed, yo, I don't have any weed.
07:57I don't have no weed.
07:58Take some cigarettes.
07:59Tick it.
08:00I don't have some NyQuil.
08:01Try them and smoke them.
08:02You'll be fucked up.
08:03Well, fuck you, Pepe.
08:04I don't have any.
08:05I'm like, you got any NyQuil?
08:07he's like you got any cigarettes
08:10I'm like yeah we dipped them
08:13dried them smoked them five minutes later
08:14I was like
08:15I'm out of the motherfuckers
08:19but we wasn't even high
08:21we was just sleepy as hell
08:22I ain't had a chest cold since that boy's shit
08:26I fucked over my mother too one time by getting blow
08:34my mother she a Christian
08:36she a super Christian
08:39like she go to church
08:41with a cape on and shit
08:43with SC on the back
08:47for sister cold you know
08:49her and her friends
08:55there's some house praying and reading the bible
08:57me and my boy we outside smoking
08:58it was cold too it was about 20
09:00degrees and shit Chicago last winter
09:03my boy like
09:03hey man let's go to your house and order
09:06the pizza's cold motherfucker
09:08I'm sitting I'm like
09:10nah man
09:11my mama in there they in there praying and reading the bible
09:13plus you know
09:14we gonna be too loud
09:15you know
09:16so motherfucker like
09:17we ain't gonna be too loud
09:20now I ain't no prayer hater no shit like that but I'm hungry than a motherfucker
09:25and I wouldn't do this if we was at my house
09:28and I hate peer pressure
09:30I'm like fucker come on you know
09:31so we gonna have to order this pizza
09:33while we're waiting on the pizza gun we have a man talk
09:34talk about women's sex
09:36pussy
09:36it's basically pussy
09:39that's what he was talking about
09:40but you know the pizza came
09:42I don't know if y'all got this
09:43but we got the most guttiest
09:45pizza delivery place in the world
09:47they only had no delivery men
09:49they get your pizza to whoever going
09:51your motherfucking wife
09:52they be sending crackheads
09:54drug addicts
09:55dope
09:56send a pimp to my house one day
09:58two hoes with him
09:59he wasn't holding my pizza like this
10:01he was holding it like this
10:02like it was some albums or some shit
10:04you know
10:04turn my pizza up motherfucker
10:11we get the pizza
10:16we start eating it
10:17I'm high and shit
10:18I start thinking
10:18damn my mama didn't cook it
10:19she gonna see if she wants some pizza
10:21you know
10:21so I go in the room
10:22knock on the door and shit
10:24I'm like
10:24hey what's up mommy
10:26how you doing
10:27I was just laughing at something
10:32fellas was saying in the room
10:34I ain't wanna disturb y'all
10:35from praying and reading the bible
10:36I just came here to see
10:37if y'all wanted a piece of pussy
10:39mama uh
10:54the devil's been taking over my soul
10:59while I'm here
11:00you ever see some of your claws that you ain't wore in a while
11:10you be like
11:10I ain't wore that in a minute
11:11then when you put it on
11:12you realize why you ain't been wearing that shit
11:14that's how I feel about these pants
11:18I'm lazy though
11:24I get out of my last outfit
11:25before I wash anything
11:27you see me in a club with a tuxedo on
11:30just chilling
11:31like where you coming from
11:34I be like home
11:35all my shit dirty
11:38bought a gucci belt
11:44paid like $400 for it
11:46you gotta treat yourself sometime
11:48don't get me wrong
11:50for $400
11:50I want everybody to see my belt
11:53$400
11:55shit I'm wearing my shit every day
11:58you gonna see my belt
12:00I'm tucking in all my shirts
12:03sweaters
12:04leather coats
12:06I'm gonna tuck my trench coat in
12:10and blouse it out
12:11so everybody can see my belt
12:12you ever eat with somebody at a restaurant
12:20and they say they gracing
12:21you don't
12:22don't you feel shitty
12:24than a motherfucker
12:25I'm eating with this girl
12:27I look up
12:28she's like
12:28Lord thank you for this
12:29I was like
12:30damn
12:31I'm gonna choke
12:31I'm gonna throw my food up
12:35and start all over again
12:36the Lord know I forgot
12:38he know my heart
12:38I pray over anything
12:42now I go in the bag of Doritos
12:44I was like
12:44Lord thank you for these Doritos Lord
12:46thank you for the locked in freshness Lord
12:49thank you for the 33% more chips
12:52my boy just got arrested
13:01for making phony driver's license
13:03he was taking niggas regular pictures
13:05putting them on a driver's license
13:07I got my license back
13:09I was laying down like this
13:10and my dad was like
13:11he had a full body shot of me
13:17looking in the wind
13:17and shit like this
13:18what the fuck I'm gonna do with this
13:23I be spacing out sometime
13:40I'm about to tell y'all that
13:41my attention span is real short
13:44I could be getting robbed
13:46I'd be like look at them squirrels over there playing
13:48I went to Burger King today man
13:55this gay dude tried to hit on me
13:57I tried to curse him out
13:59but it seemed like I kept giving him compliments
14:01I went up to the counter
14:05he was like
14:06can I help you
14:07I'm like yeah
14:08let me get a cheeseburger
14:09what you want on your cheeseburger
14:13cheese motherfucker
14:17I want cheese on my cheeseburger
14:19he like what else
14:22I'm like look you better quit playing with me man
14:25he like or what
14:26I'm like well I'll bust your ass
14:28I mean no
14:29suck my denom
14:34I'm gonna do something you don't like
14:37I'm glad y'all laughing at my jokes too man
14:47cause comedians be hurt
14:48when people don't laugh at they jokes
14:50that shit hurt us real bad inside
14:53we be sad
14:54and you can tell we hurt too
15:01when our joke don't work
15:02cause we start saying shit like this
15:03just when you know
15:04a comic joke don't work
15:05when he do his shit
15:07and then he
15:07it don't work
15:08and then he go
15:09yeah shit is crazy out here
15:11it's wild
15:12you know that bullshit
15:14give it up for the ladies
15:17they look so beautiful
15:18you know all that bullshit
15:19where the Capricorns
15:21you know
15:22all that dumb shit
15:23who from Philly
15:25bitch we all from Philly
15:26quit bullshitting
15:28and give us a joke
15:28you ever see him get to the punchline
15:36on work
15:36be like
15:36I told her to knock on the door
15:38she gonna ring the doorbell
15:39I'm like
15:40what you ring the doorbell for
15:41yeah shit is crazy
15:47out here
15:47good up for the ladies
15:52they look so spectacular
15:53man if you close to 30 years old
16:00you still living home
16:01with your mother
16:01move the fuck on out the house
16:03it's safe in the world
16:05don't make no sense
16:07for no grown ass man
16:08to stay in the same room
16:09he was born in
16:10and shit
16:10you go in his room right now
16:13it still got
16:13it's a boy
16:14around the ceiling
16:15you still fucking
16:18in a race car bed
16:19just telling you about my life
16:24I'm sick of men
16:29putting big ass rims
16:30on any kind of
16:31goddamn car
16:32stop that
16:33my boy picked me up
16:35from the airport
16:36last week
16:37on a Ford Focus
16:38with 24's on the bench
16:41we couldn't even turn
16:44we went straight
16:47for 8 hours
16:48I was like
16:50drop me off bitch
16:51alright
16:51I had a girl
17:00come over my house
17:00about a year ago
17:01and asked me
17:02go on the Jerry Springer
17:03show with her
17:03talking about
17:05she got something
17:05to tell me
17:06I just start
17:08beating her ass
17:09right there in my house
17:10you know
17:13I wait for the show
17:13you know
17:14I'm like
17:15you better not be a man bitch
17:17nah
17:23I don't beat on women
17:24I see men
17:25beating on women
17:26that shit ain't cool
17:27it's funny
17:29but it ain't cool
17:30my sauce got
17:35kicking this woman
17:36ass
17:36when nobody helped
17:37I was like
17:37I'm gonna go help
17:38jumped up my car
17:40I'm like
17:40hey man
17:40don't be kicking ass
17:41like that
17:41pick on somebody
17:42your own size
17:43I'll beat your ass
17:44mind your own
17:47motherfucking business
17:48I was like
17:49I mean
17:49alright cool
17:50I'm just saying
17:51you know
17:51don't do all that
17:52kicking and shit
17:53you fuck your shoes
17:55up like that
17:56stomp that bitch
17:57use the heel of your boot
17:58and stomp the shit
17:59out of her
18:00now which way
18:01is White Castle
18:02I'm all of your business
18:05you know
18:05if you know somebody
18:11that's into violent shit
18:12like sticking up
18:13motherfuckers and shit
18:14or if you do it
18:15make sure you got
18:15standard stick up
18:16equipment
18:17this dude tried to
18:19rob me with one of
18:19the oldest guns
18:20ever seen in my life
18:22came up on me
18:23like
18:23get out the car
18:24I'm like
18:24hold on man
18:25he was like
18:25you think I'm
18:26bullshitting
18:26okay nigga
18:27about to show you
18:28some shit tonight
18:29think I'm playing
18:31with your ass
18:32out here
18:32they robbed me
18:35with an old ass
18:36musket gun
18:37one shot
18:39poof
18:39damn
18:40this dude
18:48tried to rob me
18:49it was a snow blizzard
18:50snow storm
18:51a blizzard
18:51in Chicago
18:52last year
18:53like we was walking
18:54you couldn't see
18:55like this far
18:56in front of you man
18:57and like this dude
18:58tried to stick me up
18:59in the blizzard
19:00but the guy that did it
19:02was an albino
19:03couldn't even find
19:07his ass
19:07all I heard was
19:09give me your wallet
19:10I was like
19:11the snow is robbing me
19:20right now
19:21I gotta quit smoking
19:24that shit
19:25that's the way
19:26if you rob somebody
19:33make sure you use
19:33English
19:34don't use slang
19:35that's how a lot of
19:36people get murdered
19:37I don't know
19:38what the fuck
19:39you want
19:39just enunciate
19:43I'm in New York
19:46in front of Yankee
19:46Stadium
19:47this motherfucker
19:48run out with all
19:48this New York
19:50lingo
19:50I ain't know
19:51what the fuck
19:51he was talking
19:52about
19:52just came up
19:54word is born son
19:55yo
19:56start running
19:56them jewels
19:57right now kid
19:58start spitting
19:59these slugs
20:00at your
20:00don't piece
20:00turn your
20:01cabbage
20:01into coleslaw
20:02that's my word
20:04run them shits
20:05now son
20:05I'm standing there
20:13like
20:13excuse me
20:15I don't live
20:17around here
20:17you gotta ask
20:18these guys
20:18over here
20:19alright
20:19you wanna hit
20:20this
20:21is that
20:21what you
20:21yo y'all got
20:34a club called
20:35Palmer's here
20:35it's got like
20:36quiet bathrooms
20:37shit fuck
20:39me up
20:40I'm in there
20:41pissing
20:41this girl
20:41came and sat
20:42down next to me
20:43and pissed
20:43I'm like
20:43she drunk
20:46I'm gonna take
20:48advantage of her
20:49tonight
20:49then another one
20:51came in
20:52I'm like
20:52damn
20:52both of them
20:55drunk
20:55am I in the
20:57ladies bathroom
20:58why the lady
21:01bathroom
21:01got stalls
21:02went through
21:05a whole thing
21:05man
21:06I can't believe
21:09after all the
21:10shit that's been
21:11between them
21:11man
21:12that they still
21:12together
21:13man
21:13my ass
21:15cheeks
21:16give it up
21:26for the ladies
21:27they look so
21:28beautiful
21:28man
21:29yeah
21:31shit is crazy
21:31out of here
21:32fuck y'all
21:36that's funny
21:37this shit
21:37people be like
21:39Bobby and
21:40Whitney
21:40no
21:42my ass
21:42cheeks
21:43what's up
21:49play
21:50are you
21:50chillin
21:50pimping
21:52I'm feelin
21:53that
21:53what's up
21:54baby
21:54how you
21:54doing
21:55how long
21:56you been
21:56laying it down
21:57forever
21:58that's what's up
22:00nigga keep
22:00pimping
22:00baby
22:01sorry
22:01you're from
22:03Chicago
22:03we love that
22:04shit
22:04fuck that
22:05keep doing
22:06I love that
22:14pimp shit
22:15I know the
22:16rules
22:16nigga
22:17purse first
22:17ass last
22:18we ain't
22:20checking
22:20panties
22:21we checking
22:21payments
22:22bitch gonna
22:23hoe up
22:24blow up
22:24barbecue
22:25a meal
22:25dude
22:25bitch the
22:29one work
22:29for me
22:30I gotta
22:30give a
22:30Chinese
22:31name
22:31one
22:32gone
22:32feeling
22:37that
22:37shit
22:38ain't
22:38you
22:38nigga
22:38that
22:38nigga
22:39like
22:39oh yeah
22:41nigga
22:41I don't
22:44think I
22:44like about
22:45pimps
22:45are the
22:45color
22:46of
22:46their
22:46suits
22:46you ever
22:48see the
22:48color
22:48of a
22:49pimp
22:49suit
22:49it'll
22:50be a
22:50color
22:50you ain't
22:51never
22:51fucking
22:51seen
22:51before
22:52they be
22:53wearing
22:53like
22:53Snapple
22:54color
22:54suits
22:55like
22:56kiwi
22:57strawberry
22:57banana
22:59blast
23:00and
23:00ridiculous
23:00raspberry
23:01and shit
23:02like
23:02that
23:02and y'all
23:06always
23:07got
23:07them
23:07hats
23:08that's
23:08y'all
23:09shit
23:09let me
23:09see
23:09your
23:09hat
23:10y'all
23:18just got
23:19the hat
23:19on
23:19and shit
23:20understand
23:21me
23:21nigga
23:22understand
23:27me
23:28nigga
23:28coming in
23:31with your
23:31fur
23:32nigga
23:32putting
23:32both
23:32sides
23:33back
23:33fuck
23:37you
23:37though
23:37bitch
23:38that's
23:41sad
23:41nigga
23:42anytime
23:44I see
23:44a nigga
23:44on his
23:44hat
23:45it reminds
23:45me
23:45of the
23:46episode
23:46on
23:46Tom
23:46and
23:47Jerry
23:47you
23:48ever
23:48see
23:48that
23:49with
23:50Jerry
23:50cousin
23:51that
23:51little
23:51strong
23:51mouse
23:52named
23:52Muscle
23:52spent
23:53the night
23:53remember
23:54he whooped
23:55Tom
23:55ass
23:55Tom
23:56got on
23:57the phone
23:57and called
23:57his
23:58niggas
23:58up
23:58with
23:58them
23:58turtlenecks
23:59on
23:59these
23:59hats
24:00remember
24:01they pushed
24:01they shit
24:02up in the
24:02back
24:02and went
24:02marching
24:03over
24:03to
24:03them
24:03we're gonna
24:14get
24:14them
24:15Tom
24:15I'm just
24:24serious
24:25oh I
24:30want to
24:30give
24:30man
24:31I'm
24:31almost
24:31shit
24:32faced
24:32it
24:32though
24:33drinking
24:34man
24:35you
24:35finished
24:35getting
24:37some
24:38more
24:38finished
24:39you
24:40still
24:40drinking
24:41oh
24:42yeah
24:42you
24:42drinking
24:43but
24:43can't
24:52fuck
24:52with
24:52all
24:53white
24:53people
24:53let
24:55the
24:56black
24:56people
24:56know
24:56that
24:57just
24:57pick
24:58out
24:58the
24:58white
24:58people
24:59that's
25:06funny
25:07as hell
25:07a
25:07grateful
25:08dead
25:08what's
25:11so appealing
25:11about
25:12that
25:12it's a
25:14grateful
25:14dead
25:14give me
25:15that
25:15it's
25:19funny
25:20man
25:20we're all
25:21grown in
25:22here
25:22right
25:22just had
25:24my first
25:25menage
25:25a trois
25:26shit
25:31was hot
25:32I advise
25:34everybody
25:34to try
25:35it
25:36let you
25:37know
25:37there's
25:37a lot
25:38of shit
25:38to do
25:38though
25:39should
25:41nobody
25:42be
25:42chilling
25:42in the
25:43threesome
25:43something
25:45for
25:46everyone
25:46to do
25:47in that
25:49motherfucking
25:49threesome
25:50I'm doing
25:51shit that
25:52was not
25:52on the
25:52brochure
25:53at all
25:54I had to
25:56suck her
25:57titties
25:57suck her
25:57titties
25:58licking
25:58her coochie
25:59her coochie
25:59ended up
26:00licking
26:01her ass
26:01and I'm
26:02going back
26:02and forth
26:03juggling
26:03these
26:03motherfuckers
26:04I'm
26:04dizzy
26:04than a
26:05motherfucker
26:05all three
26:07of us
26:07was
26:08intertwined
26:08together
26:09so much
26:09these
26:09lazy
26:10hoes
26:10had me
26:10sucking
26:11my
26:11own
26:11dick
26:11I don't
26:20know
26:20how that
26:20shit
26:20happened
26:21I was
26:22thinking
26:23too
26:23I said
26:23she got
26:24some
26:24long
26:24ass
26:24nipples
26:25you know
26:25I'm like
26:25wait a minute
26:33this is
26:33my dick
26:33you lazy
26:35bitches
26:36know what
26:36the fuck
26:37y'all was
26:37doing
26:37about me
26:38sucking
26:38my own
26:38dick
26:39over here
26:39I can't
26:49have sex
26:49with a
26:50woman
26:50with
26:50phony
26:50breasts
26:51neither
26:51I need
26:53an indication
26:53to let me
26:54know
26:54I'm doing
26:54it right
26:54you know
26:56you're
26:56trying to
26:56hit that
26:57shit
26:57and that
26:58shit
26:58sitting
26:58at
26:58two
26:58stiff
26:59ass
26:59rocks
26:59and
27:00shit
27:00I don't
27:01like
27:01that
27:01shit
27:02I like
27:02that
27:02plain
27:02propeller
27:03effect
27:03you know
27:04when you
27:04snapping
27:04off
27:05and them
27:05bitches
27:05swinging
27:06around
27:06like
27:06that
27:06hitting
27:08on the
27:08head
27:09still
27:09on
27:09the
27:10I
27:12like
27:13to
27:13fuck
27:13up
27:13out
27:14the
27:14window
27:14and
27:14hope
27:15she
27:15fly
27:15home
27:16and
27:16shit
27:16all
27:16up
27:16the
27:17drive
27:17call
27:25me
27:25bust
27:40bust
27:42my
27:42fucking
27:42lip
27:43on
27:43this
27:43shit
27:43I was
27:45like
27:45bam
27:46I
27:57like
27:58to
27:58masturbate
27:58to
27:59aerobics
27:59on
27:59TV
28:00I
28:13bring you
28:14to
28:14all
28:14my
28:15show
28:15just get
28:18in my
28:18world
28:18girl
28:19that's
28:19all
28:19I
28:19ask
28:20for
28:21just get
28:21in my
28:21world
28:22my world
28:23is weird
28:24fucking weird
28:26any
28:28man
28:28in
28:28touch
28:29with
28:29they
28:29selves
28:29besides
28:30me
28:30he's
28:36gonna let
28:36me
28:36take
28:37one
28:37for
28:37the
28:37team
28:37no
28:39talk
28:40about
28:40your
28:40shit
28:40no
28:41go
28:41ahead
28:41be
28:42straight
28:43go
28:43ahead
28:43talk
28:43about
28:44your
28:44shit
28:44every
28:47man
28:47in here
28:47do
28:47that
28:48shit
28:48man
28:49y'all
28:49do
28:49the
28:49one
28:50two
28:50three
28:50red
28:50light
28:50y'all
28:51did
28:51that
28:51motherfuckers
28:55every
28:57man
28:58do
28:58it
28:58women
28:58for
28:58real
28:59like
28:59if
29:00y'all
29:00and y'all
29:00a monthly
29:01friend
29:01or y'all
29:01mad at
29:02us
29:02and y'all
29:02sleep
29:03we be
29:05standing
29:05over the
29:05bed
29:05sometimes
29:06and we
29:06just be
29:07like
29:07ah
29:07shit
29:08soon as
29:11you move
29:11we stop
29:12you go
29:16back to
29:17sleep
29:17we start
29:17right
29:18the fuck
29:18back up
29:18let's
29:19call
29:19one
29:20two
29:20three
29:20red
29:20light
29:20you don't
29:25believe me
29:26go to bed
29:27tonight
29:27don't give
29:27your man
29:28no ass
29:28just lay
29:30there
29:30open up
29:31one eye
29:31watch him
29:32work that
29:32shit out
29:33and then
29:34keep moving
29:35on purpose
29:35to fuck
29:36his rhythm
29:36up
29:37you'll have
29:38that son
29:38of a
29:38bitch
29:38pop
29:39locking
29:39in there
29:40everyone
29:40like i
29:52say i like
29:53to watch
29:53aerobics
29:54on tv
29:54that little
29:56korean chick
29:56on espn
29:57that shit
29:58is hot
29:58she's so
29:59hot
29:59i don't
30:01like watching
30:01her
30:01it's like
30:02listening
30:03like i'll
30:04throw a
30:04blanket
30:05over the
30:05tv
30:05turn tv
30:06up real
30:07loud
30:07she be
30:08saying
30:08some kinky
30:08shit
30:09all right
30:09now we're
30:10gonna do
30:10some
30:10stretches
30:11everyone's
30:12feeling good
30:12back there
30:12what about
30:13at home
30:13all right
30:14you ready
30:16come on
30:16let's go
30:17stretch
30:18and pull
30:19come on
30:19now stretch
30:20and pull
30:21stretch
30:22and pull
30:23stretch
30:24and pull
30:25stretch
30:26and pull
30:27we're gonna
30:28break it down
30:28now two
30:29more
30:29one more
30:31now shake
30:32it on
30:33off
30:33i'm like
30:33how you
30:39feeling
30:39man
30:50i had a
30:51joke
30:51to tell
30:51y'all
30:52i forgot
30:52i'll be
30:55forgetting
30:56my joke
30:56sometimes
30:57i'm forgetting
30:59a lot
30:59of shit
31:00i mean
31:01one time
31:02i forgot
31:02how to spell
31:03of
31:04trying to leave
31:08my mother
31:09this note
31:09i was like
31:09look
31:10i'm gonna
31:11clean up
31:11i just went
31:11to the store
31:12to pick up
31:12a box
31:13of
31:23of
31:25of
31:25of
31:25of
31:26okay it's a
31:30v in that
31:31somewhere
31:31of
31:34I'm just going to see if my
31:40let me see if some of them work real quick
31:43hold on
31:44I can't remember
31:45oh okay
31:49as comedians we sleep with a lot of women on the road
31:58we do
32:01we sleep with nice looking women
32:04sometimes we sleep with some ugly motherfuckers
32:07I woke up with a girl in my bed so ugly last week
32:11I thought I was being punked
32:13I was like who put this bitch in my bed
32:19come on out Ashton
32:21it's hard being a boxer
32:38very hard
32:40but you know what's more complex than that
32:45a save boxer
32:46like what does he pray about before the fights
32:49Lord give me the strength to knock this motherfucker in the next week Lord
32:53let me give him brain damage Lord
32:55in Jesus name I pray
32:58men compliment men
33:11different than
33:12men compliment men
33:19different than
33:20women compliment women
33:21yeah
33:23women look at somebody
33:26they think is attractive
33:27or another woman
33:27a woman will look at another woman
33:29oh look at her
33:29she is so cute
33:30look at her
33:31look what she has on
33:32she is so cute
33:33my man can't do that
33:34if a man think another man look nice
33:37this is what he say
33:38you see old boy
33:40that nigga got bitches
33:41that nigga got some hoes right there
33:46that mean you think he fine in the motherfucker
33:51just say he fine looking
33:53that nigga keeps some hoes right there
33:56I hate a person
34:08who
34:09I hate a person
34:13who hates on another person
34:15with something
34:16a person with nothing
34:18hating on someone with something
34:19I hate that
34:26for real
34:26I'm with my boy man
34:27I mean
34:28we in the
34:29you know
34:29we riding
34:30we at the light
34:30this Lexus bull on the side of us
34:34with these spree whales
34:35and he's spinning all out of control
34:36he in a drop top Lexus coupe
34:38has broadened seat
34:40he pull off
34:41and hair blows in the wind
34:42and he jets off and shit
34:43first thing out of my nigga mouth is
34:46them ain't no real spree whales
34:48nigga we in the backseat of a regal
34:52what the fuck is you hating on this motherfucker for
34:54I'm gonna tell you how it go though
34:57you know a nigga like that right
35:02I'm gonna tell you how it go
35:04the rich job is to buy shit and floss
35:08the poor people job is to critique it
35:11that's how it go
35:13the rich floss
35:15the poor critique it
35:16you can go buy a yacht
35:19the rich dude be like
35:19hey how you like my yacht
35:21here go the poor nigga
35:22it'd be cool
35:23but I threw some more lights on the runner
35:24you don't have no yacht
35:27what the fuck is you talking about
35:29and I'm gonna work on that
35:33any Puerto Ricans in the house
35:45I'm not gonna do that
35:51neither
35:52okay one more
35:54I'm gonna try one more new one
35:55and see if it works
35:56I hate going to the club
36:08and they make me dress up
36:09don't you hate that
36:11they want you to get all fancy
36:13and dressed up
36:14just to come have a motherfucking beer
36:15I gotta put on a top hat and tails
36:17to come have a Heineken
36:18I don't wanna do that shit
36:20I guess they think that
36:22if you dressed up
36:23you ain't gonna fight
36:24I'll be like
36:25ah I'll lay a nigga
36:26out in some gators
36:27fuck you mean
36:30I ain't gonna box
36:31like a nigga gonna push me
36:32and go
36:33I'll beat your ass
36:33and I go
36:34boy if you only knew
36:38how much this motherfucker
36:39calls boy
36:40I was blowed
36:49when I thought of that
36:50anyway
36:52alright
36:53I'll try my new shit
36:55though
36:55another time
36:56yeah
36:57I'll do it another time
36:58so
36:58anywho
37:00I'm ready to go
37:04I'm gonna leave y'all
37:04the joke real quick
37:05I know I was supposed
37:06to bend off man
37:07my fault
37:07what time the club closed
37:09huh
37:11it closed now
37:12I know we gotta go
37:13that nigga like
37:15come on man
37:16what's she doing
37:16alright I'm ready to go
37:18alright I'm gonna do
37:19this last joke
37:20I'm just gonna do
37:21one joke
37:22it's a dirty
37:23filthy ass joke
37:24if you heard it before
37:25just one joke
37:28okay I'll do two
37:31I'm gonna do it real quick
37:38though alright
37:38if you heard it before
37:40don't say nothing
37:41so the next person
37:42to you can get it
37:44the way that you
37:45got it
37:45the first time
37:47you heard it
37:47did that make sense
37:50though
37:50okay cool
37:52alright
37:52there's these three frogs
37:55and they got arrested
37:56and they went to court
37:57and the judge said
37:58bring the first frog
37:59first frog
37:59he said what's your name
38:00the first frog
38:01he said frog
38:01he said what you're here
38:02for frog
38:03he said I was just
38:03blowing bubbles in a pond
38:04he said that's it
38:05get on out of there
38:06bring the second frog
38:06second frog comes in
38:07he said what's your name
38:08second frog said frog frog
38:09he said what you're here
38:10for frog frog
38:11he said I was just
38:11blowing bubbles in a pond
38:12he said that's it
38:13get on out of there
38:13bring third frog
38:14third frog comes in
38:14he said what's your name
38:15wait a minute
38:16let me guess
38:16it's frog frog frog frog
38:17he said no
38:18I'm bubbles
38:19help the slow people out child they looking at me like what bubbles got to do with the
38:37motherfucking stuff this nigga's bullshitting all right when y'all leave it on drink and drive
38:48just pull over and have a couple sips then go to hell you gotta go
38:51it's a freak-ass accident man in chicago this lady had left the comedy club it was all in the
39:01paper and everything for real though and like um she was like got some gas and left my gas cap off
39:07and was smoking a cigarette and threw it out the window and accidentally blew in the gas tank and
39:11i should have exploded and shit she had like a digital dashboard and that that ignited first
39:16and like all this fire got on her arms and shit and the police came they shot her and shit you know
39:23they said they shot her because she had firearms in the car
39:28yeah shit is crazy yeah give it up for the ladies they look so spectacular
39:42fuck y'all that's funny
39:45okay here go the last joke i'm going if you heard before don't say nothing
39:51there's this guy he had the boo-boo real real it's just dirty dirty he had the boo-boo real real bad
39:57he was driving for miles and miles and miles he couldn't find out where the boo-boo at
40:00and he seen this abandoned gas station he was like fucking i'm going to go in that boo-boo
40:04he went in there and he boo-boo he looked around him on the toilet paper
40:07he was like damn i'm wiping my ass so he seen this sign on the wall said if there's no toilet tissue
40:13wipe your ass with these two fingers stick them in a hole in the wall and your fingers will be
40:19laid clean by human lips like i ain't doing that shit
40:23he sat there about 20 minutes he was like i gotta do this shit man i could have drove the fuck i was
40:30going to you know so he looked around when nobody around is like fuck it took his fingers wiped his
40:35ass with him stuck him in a hole in the wall and on the other side of the wall there was a guy
40:40standing there with two bricks he went bam he was like oh
40:43same slow motherfuckers bro what the break gotta do with the motherfucking job
40:54i'm dion cole thanks a lot y'all holler back
40:57dion cole y'all
41:05you
41:18you
41:22you
41:24you