Stand-up comedian Fern Brady brings her unique take on contemporary culture and the state of the UK to a packed crowd in Glasgow.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage.
00:14It's Fern Brady.
00:26Allah!
00:30This is so exciting.
00:37One of the most exciting things about this is over the last year, I've got my own audience
00:45and I never used to have my own audience.
00:47In fact, for the first 10 years of doing comedy, people actively hated me.
00:52And now I have my own audience.
00:56I always wondered what you would be like.
01:00I was like, will it be cool people?
01:02Will it be hipsters?
01:03You're not.
01:04It's such a specific type of person.
01:08If I was to tell you that the type of men who come to see my shows are, whenever I look
01:14at their Facebook profile pictures, they always seem to be shyly holding their pet snake and
01:20smiling at the camera.
01:23That's the type of guys that like me.
01:26Guys with pet snakes and women who, when I look at their last social media posts, have always
01:32written something like, wish I had the strength to hurt myself tonight.
01:38These are quite intense people.
01:46And I got recognised recently.
01:48This was really exciting.
01:50I was in Southampton and the taxi driver said, hey, don't I know you?
01:55And I was like, yeah.
01:57He went, you're that mad Scottish woman who does comedy.
02:01What a USP.
02:04He put mad first and he put comedy last.
02:08And there's a very good reason for that.
02:10I think if you're a woman doing this, people still think that I haven't planned everything
02:17I'm going to say.
02:18People still look at me and go, that's just a mentally ill woman that's been a while on
02:24stage.
02:25Why is she embarrassing herself like that?
02:27Whereas Boris Johnson doesn't even need to brush his hair and gets to be in charge of
02:33the country.
02:34Do you know why?
02:35Because he's got a posh English accent and he's a guy.
02:38Posh English accents get you everywhere.
02:41Prince Andrew gets to be in a paedophile ring.
02:43Not that that's something I'm aspiring to.
02:48Because he has a posh English accent, he basically admitted to being a paedophile on a news night
02:53interview that couldn't have been more of a car crash unless Prince Philip was driving.
02:58And he gets away with it.
03:02I'm going to make reasonable points during this show and he's all just laugh.
03:06Why?
03:07Because I'm a Scottish working class woman.
03:09Thanks.
03:12But I live in England so I get treated like I'm a halfwit on remand for prison.
03:20It's terrible being an intelligent woman trapped in a Scottish accent and living in England.
03:28I didn't know this was my voice till I moved to England, right?
03:32In my head I talk like Stephen Fry and then moved down south and started going into shops
03:39and people just looked at me like a dog was barking at them.
03:42So I've lived there for ten years and it's largely great, the shops are open for ages but one of the hardest things is every day for the last decade what my English friends love to do to me is repeat what I'm saying back at me in a bad Scottish accent.
04:03And they always have a look in their eyes like she is going to love when I do this.
04:10Every day.
04:11I've got one friend that does it all the time.
04:13Her name's Hayley.
04:14She's always like, Fern, this is my impression of you.
04:18Hello!
04:19I'm Fern Brady!
04:22Thanks Hayley.
04:24I feel so comfortable.
04:26This is my impression of you.
04:28Please don't tell everybody about the time I gave everyone at uni chlamydia.
04:32Sorry.
04:34Sorry, still not getting that Cockney accent you're fucking kidding.
04:43I never really thought much about being Scottish.
04:46Then I moved to England and I became Scottish Fern and then you realise that you're meant to live up to this cartoon version of Scottishness where you're aggressive, a drunk, allergic to salad, right?
04:58You all know the drill.
05:01It's hard for me to live up to this, right?
05:03Because I'm quite quiet off stage, salad, can't get enough of it.
05:08I was considered almost quite middle class growing up here.
05:12Scottish middle class, not English middle class, right?
05:15Scottish middle class is where you've been on a plane once and mum makes you eat fruit regularly.
05:20I don't like drinking either.
05:27This is quite a weird thing to say as a Scottish person and a professional comedian.
05:31I don't like alcohol.
05:33And not because I'm a recovering alky or anything.
05:36I just don't need drink to make me blunt and offensive in social situations.
05:41Guys, that is a gift I have naturally.
05:45Here's another thing.
05:47Be jealous immediately.
05:48Never needed alcohol to make me a slut.
05:51I seem to accept early on in life I enjoy pumping sea monsters.
05:59Why bother with the health risks of alcohol?
06:04Big time stoner.
06:07Who needs memories?
06:08Turns out me for this job.
06:10Oh man, I love to smoke joints, but I've had to quit it for the sake of my job
06:18because my memory was getting so bad I had to Google the phrase double bike
06:23because I no longer knew the word for tandem.
06:25I've been smoking heavily for like a year and I was like,
06:34all that stuff about memories is just government conspiracy theories.
06:38And then I went to say the name.
06:41I've been going out with the same person for eight years,
06:43so I know his name, right?
06:46His name's Connor.
06:48I went to say his name and I thought, is this guy even called Connor?
06:52Who knows? Just act confident.
06:58See, when I was growing up, whenever I saw Scottish comedy on telly,
07:03it seemed to rely on slagging off Scotland.
07:06And it was a kind of shtick that was like,
07:08oh, aren't we all just fat illiterate bastards eating chips out a bin?
07:17That's what it was, right?
07:18I don't like slagging off Scotland.
07:19I'm not comfortable with it.
07:21Apart from one crucial thing,
07:23and that is the world of Scottish amateur pornography.
07:28Which I made the terrible mistake of watching.
07:32This is a real category of porn.
07:34I'm not making it up for the show.
07:36Don't watch it.
07:38But a lot of you are drinking, you easy.
07:41He's cheersing, he's seen it.
07:45Scottish porn's the most depressing porn I've ever seen.
07:49Comes a close second to Russian porn, and at least in that they're skinny,
07:54but it's in that bleak, we did this for a piece of bread, get away.
07:57I've watched literally every Scottish porn on the internet for the purposes of this show.
08:08Some of the clips you're like, how can I even tell these people are Scottish?
08:13There's not much dialogue.
08:14Let me tell you, I knew.
08:16With a depressing inevitability, I knew more on people.
08:21Cause it was just pale, hairy white bellies smashing against each other,
08:26and close up like water balloons filled with yoghurt.
08:29Every few seconds a wee voice off camera would go,
08:34why?
08:39Or memorably, tug on my pubes, Rona!
08:48I clicked on this Pornhub clip, it said Scottish girl fucked in London.
08:53When I put it on, literally just footage of me paying a thousand pounds a month to live in a basement.
08:59And I watched, like, amateur stuff, rather than slickly shot professional stuff.
09:07Cause it's more ethical, that's what a hipster am.
09:10It's more ethical.
09:11What they lack in muscle tone or symmetrical facial features,
09:16they make up for with a large degree of enthusiasm.
09:20You know what I mean, I can see who watches it, yeah.
09:24I've had to stop watching it and go back to the professional stuff.
09:28I'll tell you why.
09:29Firstly, can't control the soundtracks in people's homemade sex tapes.
09:35I had to turn off someone's amateur porno,
09:38cause they were playing the song Everybody's Changing by Keane in the background.
09:43Which will come first? Climax or me killing myself?
09:47And here's another thing, I don't judge any of you if you want to make a sex tape.
09:53But for the love of God, would you lock up the pets beforehand?
09:57You know the number of times I've just sadly closed my laptop during a porno?
10:05Cause there's been a couple pumping away in the foreground,
10:08really happy, really oblivious to just the sight of their proud cat sauntering in the background.
10:14Meow! This is my time to shine!
10:20I put one on the other day, it had a couple with just dry humping American college amateurs.
10:27And in the background there was just a sad little Yorkshire Terrier.
10:31Dogs are pure innocence and goodness just looking at them like,
10:36please take me a walk.
10:40I watch lesbian porn mostly cause straight porn is largely made for straight men
10:46so it'll have these blowjob scenes that go on for 10 to 15 to 20 minutes.
10:51Well why don't I just watch someone file a tax return?
10:55Men in the audience, do you hear how many more lady laughs are coming after that bit?
11:07I have like a list of little tasks that I need to get done round the house
11:12and the one that never gets done and I feel bad about it every day,
11:16I always think about it, whenever I put a porn on I'm at the beginning of a wank,
11:20it's another fantastic day as a self-employed lady.
11:25I think it'd take you seconds to put some Blu-Tac or a bit of tape over the camera of your laptop
11:34and you never do it and one day someone's gonna hack into my laptop
11:38and steal footage of me wanking, that's the thing, yeah?
11:41Then it's career over or the start of a glorious new career.
11:46This is what stops me doing it, I think.
11:50Don't flatter yourself.
11:51Realistically, who's gonna want to watch footage of a 33-year-old woman in full winter pajamas?
11:59Sheets pulled up to my chin because I'm a Catholic.
12:04Don't want Jesus to see.
12:06I was like…
12:07I'm a Catholic.
12:08…or my dead grandparents, dirty voyeurs.
12:13Triple chins, just…
12:14Completely dead-eyed.
12:19Dead-eyed.
12:21Who needs facial expressions, man?
12:24Facial expressions are for when you're with other people.
12:31There's a market for that, though.
12:32There's a market for dead-eyed Scottish women in porn.
12:35I know it.
12:38Whenever I get asked to describe my comedy,
12:41I always say it's accessible, observational stuff,
12:45suitable for the whole family.
12:49Then you start reading descriptions of yourself over the years.
12:53Mines are always consistent.
12:54They're always blunt, brutal, forthright.
12:58I don't read reviews, but I saw one by accident recently.
13:01It opened with,
13:03Firm Brady scares me.
13:06That was a nice review.
13:08Who's this scary woman they're talking about?
13:11I'm a lovable, nice girl.
13:13And I'd always wondered why people thought I was aloof.
13:16And then I was doing a show in Berlin,
13:18and a woman came up to me at the end and she said,
13:22just so you know,
13:23your entire set is a description of a woman with Asperger's.
13:27You should look into it.
13:30One guy just laughed at her, like,
13:32oh, thank God, she realizes.
13:35It was the tenth person that had said it to me.
13:38One of them was me into the mirror every day.
13:42Looked into it,
13:43started getting diagnosed.
13:45I'll be honest, guys,
13:46it's not a huge surprise.
13:47I've always felt like an alien trapped in a beautiful woman's body.
13:52The rest of the show isn't a poignant unpacking of the diagnosis
13:55and how I came to terms with it,
13:57and then we all have a little cry.
13:58No.
14:00I'll just tell you where it affects me, right?
14:03I thought it would be cracking
14:04to get to a point in comedy
14:06where people recognize you for your comedy
14:08and say they like your stuff.
14:10Then it started happening,
14:11and I was like,
14:12oh, I forgot I don't have any social skills offstage.
14:16A guy came up to me in the airport.
14:19He was like,
14:19hey, I've seen you on YouTube.
14:21I really like your stuff.
14:23In my head, when this happens,
14:25I'm always like,
14:27ah, thank you so much.
14:30The way I responded to this guy, however,
14:32was by silently holding out both my hands
14:36and holding both his hands
14:38and just smiling in his face dementedly,
14:41like Kate Middleton
14:42when she meets a heroin addict
14:44at the opening up community centre.
14:47Don't let that put you off chatting to me after.
14:50Just know I've been coached in how to talk to you
14:52by my autism therapist, Jemima.
14:57I'm not good at being diplomatic.
15:00That's my problem.
15:01And it led to me having my first scandal
15:03in comedy in the last year.
15:05Dead exciting to have a scandal
15:07as a comedian.
15:08Mine started because I was doing some material
15:11about a political party called the DUP.
15:15Now, some of you know who they are.
15:18If you don't,
15:19they're these Northern Irish Christian politicians.
15:23They hate women and gay people,
15:25even though their leader
15:26is a stone-bush lesbian
15:28who doesn't realise she's gay yet.
15:30Her name is Arlene Foster.
15:36Gay marriage was illegal in Northern Ireland
15:38until I started touring this show.
15:41Coincidence?
15:42I did some material about Arlene Foster
15:48saying she was a homophobe
15:50because she was secretly gay
15:52and I then performed it
15:53on a little-known channel
15:54called BBC One.
15:59The BBC lawyers checked it.
16:01I thought I was fine.
16:03And then the programme came out
16:04two days later
16:05and I was made aware
16:06of a newspaper story
16:08in the Belfast Telegraph,
16:09Protestant newspaper.
16:12This is for an American audience,
16:16but I couldn't help being like,
16:18we'll do some sectarianism
16:19for the Glasgow audience.
16:20Belfast Telegraph did a newspaper story
16:27with the headline,
16:28The D.U.P.
16:30Demand an apology
16:31from the BBC
16:32over comedians' gay jibes.
16:35And then there was
16:35an unflattering picture of me.
16:38I was very excited.
16:41But my agent, Chris,
16:43he's always trying to control
16:44what I do on Facebook and Twitter
16:46because I'm what the industry
16:47would call a liability.
16:50He got on the phone straight away.
16:54Don't get into an argument
16:56with these politicians.
16:57They're not messing about.
16:59They'll shoot your knees off.
17:00Stay off Twitter.
17:03Stay off the internet
17:04for one day.
17:06OK, Daddy, I'll be good.
17:10In my head, I'm like,
17:11I haven't felt this alive
17:13in years.
17:18I guess off the phone.
17:19I went on Twitter.
17:21Immediately.
17:23I put up a link
17:24to the thing
17:25demanding I apologise
17:26to Arlene
17:27and I wrote underneath,
17:29I will apologise
17:30to Arlene Foster
17:31as soon as she licks my vag
17:33and looks disgusted.
17:40I'll make no further comments
17:41to the press
17:42because I'm a very private person.
17:50So I'm feeling alive.
17:51I'm feeling good.
17:52The only thing
17:53that bothered me
17:54about this story
17:55was the way
17:56I found out about it
17:57and the way I found out
17:58was a gay guy
18:00in Northern Ireland
18:01tweeted me
18:02and he tweeted me
18:03trying to cancel me
18:04because he was furious at me.
18:06He said,
18:06how dare you say
18:08Arlene Foster
18:09is secretly gay
18:11just because she's
18:11a homophobe.
18:12Well, can I just be honest?
18:13I think all vocal homophobes
18:15turn out to be gay
18:16in the end.
18:16It's just
18:17a waiting game.
18:19Vladimir Putin.
18:20Hello.
18:24Then he said,
18:25butish lesbians
18:25are never a punchline.
18:27That got to me
18:27and then he said,
18:28stay in your fucking lane.
18:31I was like,
18:31oh.
18:34Stay in my fucking lane.
18:36I've never been so happy
18:37to play in my life.
18:41My hands are shaking.
18:44I'm like,
18:44mate,
18:45if you're trying to say
18:46that I hate butish lesbians,
18:48someone needs to tell
18:49all the butish lesbians
18:50I've dated
18:51because I'm a bisexual.
18:52Oh, game said and match.
18:57I know one clap
18:59for bisexuality
19:00in a Scottish audience.
19:02Doesn't surprise me.
19:04Like,
19:04I didn't want to say
19:06it was bisexual
19:07on Twitter
19:07or anywhere.
19:09Like,
19:09see,
19:09if I'm honest,
19:10Scotland is barely on board
19:12with smashed avocado.
19:14Never mind.
19:15Alternative sexual orientations.
19:20It's not just
19:21that was a big part
19:22of being a bisexual
19:23is constantly being told
19:24you're not a bisexual.
19:26You're going through a phase.
19:27You're just whimsical.
19:28Oh,
19:28aye,
19:28that's me whimsy
19:29down to a tee.
19:33So for years,
19:34I tried to get on board
19:35with the idea
19:36I was a straight woman
19:37that just had sex with
19:39an awful lot of women.
19:41Never thought
19:41I was a bisexual.
19:42I just thought
19:43I was a legend.
19:48And to your support!
19:49This guy tweets me
19:55trying to say
19:56I hate
19:57butch women.
19:58Obviously,
19:58I know I don't,
19:59but straight away,
20:01I have to publicly
20:01beat him
20:02in the Twitter argument,
20:04don't I?
20:04I have to prove him wrong
20:05publicly.
20:06And the only way
20:07I can do that
20:08right here,
20:08right now,
20:09would be to have
20:10a three-way
20:10with a butch lady
20:12and a very timid
20:14little Irish man
20:15that I'm in a
20:15long-term relationship
20:17with.
20:18Aye,
20:18I go out by a man now.
20:20I worry when I say that
20:21there's going to be
20:21some of you going,
20:22oh,
20:23good,
20:23good,
20:24she's been restored
20:24to factory settings.
20:30Look,
20:30it wouldn't matter
20:31what gender
20:32my partner is.
20:34He is a civil servant
20:35who was born
20:36an old man,
20:37right?
20:38He's very,
20:39he's a very
20:40vanilla type person
20:42and for his birthday
20:43I said,
20:44listen,
20:44you can have
20:45whatever you want,
20:46you can have
20:46whatever you want,
20:47baby,
20:47I've got money now.
20:49He went,
20:50can I have
20:51a shoe polishing kit
20:53with both black
20:55and brown shoe polish?
20:59Live your dreams.
21:01Can you imagine
21:02having a three-way
21:03with that?
21:03He'd only embarrass himself.
21:05I'd be working away
21:06on some woman
21:07being incredible,
21:08he'd be sitting
21:09at the end of the bed,
21:10crying,
21:10putting us off,
21:13tears dripping
21:14onto his little shoes
21:15as he silently
21:16buffed them.
21:21I have an incredibly
21:22settled home life,
21:24right?
21:24And it's nice,
21:25but I wish it was
21:26more exciting sometimes.
21:28And the other day
21:29I was talking
21:30to this comedian,
21:31she's much cooler
21:32than me
21:33and she has a really
21:33cool dating life
21:34and she said,
21:36oh,
21:36so I'm dating
21:38Jack
21:39and his girlfriend
21:40and his girlfriend
21:40now,
21:41I'm in a throuple,
21:42like she was getting
21:43a new kitchen.
21:45And for some reason,
21:47to keep up with the Joneses,
21:48I said,
21:50Connor and I are thinking
21:51of becoming a throuple.
21:54Went home that night,
21:56sitting in bed
21:57next to him,
21:58he's reading
21:58the latest interest rates
22:00on money-saving-expert.com.
22:05And I said,
22:06Connor,
22:07do you think,
22:09can we maybe get
22:10a new boyfriend
22:11or girlfriend?
22:13He went,
22:14which one of your
22:15bohemian friends
22:16have you been talking to now?
22:21What do you want
22:22to be in a throuple for?
22:24I went,
22:25well,
22:26maybe then you'd have
22:27someone to go
22:28to park run with
22:29because I hate it.
22:32He went,
22:33fair,
22:33I've told you,
22:34stop asking me
22:35deviant things.
22:37You have this idea
22:38of yourself
22:38in your head
22:39that you're a mad slag
22:41that loves shagging
22:42when really,
22:43you're just like
22:44coming home to me,
22:45having dinner
22:46and cuddling.
22:49I went,
22:50okay,
22:50can we get a cat?
22:58Can we get a cat
22:59and not fuck it?
23:03Just a pet cat.
23:06When people talk
23:07about compromising
23:08in a long-term relationship,
23:11that's the kind of thing
23:12we're talking about.
23:13You start off
23:14with high aspirations,
23:16throuple,
23:16three ways,
23:17it descends
23:18to a pet
23:19that you don't even want.
23:20I like dogs.
23:22Now we're getting a cat.
23:25Anyway,
23:25I thought,
23:26I can't criticise
23:27Arlene Foster
23:28for being closeted
23:30and not say
23:31I've had a few women
23:32in my time myself.
23:33So I says
23:34I was bi properly
23:35and this time
23:36I did it
23:37during a stand-up set
23:38on telly.
23:40And as I said it,
23:41I felt sick.
23:42I felt like
23:42really nervous
23:43about saying it.
23:44But everyone
23:45started clapping me
23:46for being a brave girl.
23:48They were very
23:48woke and progressive.
23:49and I was thinking
23:51stop clapping me
23:52for being brave.
23:53Fuck off man.
23:54It's only half gay
23:55so it's only half brave.
23:58I was thinking
23:59everyone I went to school
24:00with is going to see
24:01this on telly
24:02and slag me off
24:03and say
24:04she's just doing this
24:05because it's the easiest way
24:06of being a woke hipster.
24:08It's easier than
24:09becoming a vegan
24:10and I'm a vegetarian
24:11and I'm a vegetarian
24:11which is the bisexuality
24:13of diets.
24:18And that's how
24:18mum and dad
24:19found out
24:20was they saw me
24:21talking about it
24:22on telly.
24:23Imagine that's how
24:24your mum finds out
24:25about all that,
24:26right?
24:27What all that is.
24:29That's me fingering
24:30an unbelievably tall lady.
24:37My mum phoned me up
24:39to ask me about it
24:40after the programme
24:41came out
24:41and she asked me
24:43about it
24:43the way only
24:44a Scottish Catholic
24:45mother does
24:45which is by
24:46not asking you
24:47for about
24:49ten minutes
24:50of the phone call.
24:51There was just
24:52a series
24:52of disconnected facts.
24:55Hello Fern
24:56I made a carrot cake
24:58today.
25:00Then I went
25:01to Zumba.
25:03Then I picked
25:04sweet peas
25:04in the garden.
25:06Then there was
25:07this terrible pause
25:08and I knew
25:09what was coming.
25:11And she went
25:11Fern
25:12Are you a bisexual?
25:15Imagine if that
25:17was how
25:17Holly Willoughby
25:18asked Philip
25:19Scofield
25:20the Scottish way
25:23by screaming
25:24it in his face.
25:26I was like
25:27yeah mum
25:28and you told me
25:28it was disgusting
25:29the first time
25:30you found out.
25:32No I didn't.
25:33How dare you.
25:34Anyway
25:35I've changed
25:36since you were
25:36a teenager
25:37because I seen
25:39the musical
25:39Kinky Boots
25:40and that
25:43changed everything.
25:45Isn't that amazing
25:47that art can move
25:48people
25:49in profound ways.
25:52One of Broadway's
25:53shittest musicals
25:55Kinky Boots
25:56turned my mum
25:58from being a homophobe
25:59into someone
26:00who pretends
26:01not to be a homophobe.
26:04And I go out
26:06with women
26:06that are like my mum
26:07they're always
26:08quite intense
26:09they're always
26:10fucking mental
26:11and I really
26:13judge men
26:14who say
26:14they're always
26:15going out
26:15with mental
26:16women
26:16I think
26:17it's quite
26:17misogynistic
26:18so can I
26:19just say
26:19at this point
26:20in the show
26:21I met my
26:21first girlfriend
26:22in a mental
26:23hospital
26:24so she was
26:25fucking mental.
26:28Diagnosed
26:29we both were
26:30it was a great
26:30match.
26:32Her name
26:33was Rita
26:33she was a tiny
26:35little skinhead
26:36butch
26:36we were both
26:3716 year olds
26:38in a mental
26:38hospital
26:39you know
26:39how it goes
26:40in your teens.
26:43You read
26:44Sylvia Blath
26:45you go in a
26:45mental hospital.
26:47Rita used to
26:48write me these
26:49love letters
26:49that would open
26:50with things like
26:51who's the funniest
26:53girl in all
26:54of Willow Grove's
26:55children and
26:55adolescent
26:56psychiatric
26:56day care unit.
27:01It's fair
27:01and pretty.
27:03who makes
27:05the best
27:06potato prints
27:07about her
27:07feelings
27:08in occupational
27:09therapy
27:10on Thursdays
27:12with Nurse Linda.
27:14That's right
27:15this guy.
27:18And then
27:19there was a
27:19terrible drawing
27:20of some palm trees
27:21on a beach
27:22done in crayon
27:23and it said
27:24when I look
27:25into this lassie's
27:26eyes
27:26across group
27:27therapy
27:28with that
27:28bitch
27:29Nurse Fiona
27:29I can see
27:31the sun
27:32setting on a
27:32beach.
27:33and it's
27:34all because
27:35of
27:35Mary
27:37and that's
27:39right
27:40what a
27:41cracking
27:41lover I
27:42am.
27:45So Rita
27:45has given me
27:46this wonderful
27:47necklace
27:48along with
27:49a letter.
27:50The necklace
27:51was a very
27:52classy necklace
27:53from the
27:54Elizabeth Duke
27:54at Argos
27:55Range.
27:55Oh good
27:58some scum
27:58get that
27:59reference.
28:02Posh people
28:03of Glasgow
28:04Elizabeth Duke
28:05at Argos
28:06was a range
28:07of jewellery
28:07where working
28:08class people
28:09could express
28:09earnest emotions
28:10at a fantastic
28:12price.
28:15Rita gave me
28:15this necklace
28:16it said something
28:17on it like
28:17love lasts
28:18forever
28:19which in Rita's
28:20voice I
28:21definitely heard
28:22as a threat.
28:24And my mum
28:25found the
28:26letter and
28:26the necklace
28:27when I was
28:2716 and
28:28she went
28:29nuts at me
28:29she was like
28:30this is
28:31disgusting
28:31this is
28:32vile.
28:33I was
28:33mortified
28:34like well
28:35I guess
28:36this is how
28:36she finds out
28:37I've been
28:37fingering
28:38girls in
28:39a mental
28:39unit
28:39on the
28:40street.
28:40I like
28:43how non
28:44judgmental
28:44you guys
28:45are about
28:46that.
28:47You'd
28:47understand
28:47there's
28:48not much
28:48to do
28:49in women's
28:50psychiatric
28:50units.
28:52You learn
28:52to finger
28:53bang
28:53and you
28:53learn to
28:54play
28:54pool
28:54to an
28:55incredibly
28:55high
28:55standard.
28:59Then mum
29:00stopped
29:00shouting at
29:01me
29:01and she
29:02went
29:02Fern
29:02what
29:03upsets me
29:04the most
29:04is I
29:05just
29:05cannot
29:06believe
29:06you
29:06would
29:07pretend
29:07to
29:07like
29:08other
29:08girls
29:08in order
29:09to steal
29:10their
29:10jewellery.
29:14Excuse
29:14me.
29:17Now a few
29:18of you
29:18know what's
29:19going on
29:19at this
29:19point.
29:20There's a
29:21type of
29:21person
29:22who sees
29:23the whole
29:23world as
29:24straight
29:24and then
29:25they tell
29:26themselves
29:26any story
29:27to get
29:28to that
29:28conclusion.
29:29My mum's
29:29one of those.
29:31My mum
29:31would rather
29:32tell herself
29:32a story
29:33in which
29:34I am
29:34a jewellery
29:35thief
29:35running
29:37some sort
29:38of a
29:38heist
29:38not
29:40for
29:40good
29:40diamonds
29:41not
29:41for
29:41Chaupard
29:42or
29:42Cartier
29:43diamonds
29:43Elizabeth
29:44Duke
29:45at
29:45Argos
29:4510
29:46pile
29:46necklaces
29:47fingering
29:48girls
29:48against
29:48my
29:49wealth
29:49all
29:52as part
29:53of the
29:53grand
29:54jewellery
29:55thief
29:55heist
29:55in a
29:57mental
29:57hospital.
29:59But you
29:59see how
29:59it happens
30:00because the
30:00other thing
30:01when I was
30:01a kid
30:02called
30:02section
30:0328
30:03where
30:04Margaret
30:04Thatcher
30:05said that
30:06you couldn't
30:06teach
30:06primary school
30:07kids
30:08that LGBT
30:09people
30:09exist
30:10not teach
30:10how to
30:11give
30:11blowies
30:12or how to
30:12lick
30:13fannies
30:13just that
30:14they exist
30:15I'm not
30:17saying this
30:18to try and
30:18be right on
30:19but yeah
30:19when they
30:20ban teaching
30:21things like
30:21that on the
30:22curriculum
30:22I look back
30:24and think of
30:24the amount
30:25of utter
30:25bullshit
30:26that my
30:27teachers
30:27taught me
30:28at primary
30:28school
30:29I went to
30:30a school
30:30where there
30:31was a crucifix
30:32on the wall
30:32of the
30:33assembly hall
30:33there
30:34to their
30:35teacher
30:36told us
30:36that was
30:37the actual
30:37cross
30:38Jesus
30:38died on
30:39why is
30:41Jesus
30:41one foot
30:42tall
30:42why is
30:45his final
30:45resting place
30:46Scotland
30:46I used
30:49to like
30:49to do
30:50this
30:50in class
30:51when I
30:51was five
30:52I was bored
30:53right
30:53just move
30:54my head
30:54from side
30:55to side
30:55something
30:56to do
30:56and my
30:59teacher said
31:00you know
31:00Fenn
31:01that's all
31:01well and
31:02good
31:02but the
31:02brain
31:03is
31:03attached
31:03to the
31:04top
31:04of the
31:04skull
31:04and it
31:05gradually
31:05comes
31:06loose
31:06and the
31:07more
31:07you
31:07do
31:07that
31:07the
31:08more
31:08likely
31:08it
31:09is
31:09that
31:09your
31:09brain
31:09will
31:10collapse
31:10and your
31:10skull
31:11killing
31:11you
31:11instantly
31:12teachers
31:15are
31:15maniacs
31:16I had
31:17the best
31:18year
31:18of my
31:18primary
31:19school
31:19career
31:20not
31:20being
31:20taught
31:21the
31:21curriculum
31:21when I
31:22was
31:22eight
31:22years
31:23old
31:23I
31:23had
31:24a
31:24teacher
31:24Mr.
31:25Curran
31:25was
31:26drunk
31:27the
31:27entire
31:28school
31:28year
31:28if
31:30you're
31:30a
31:30child
31:30this
31:31doesn't
31:31register
31:32you
31:33just
31:33think
31:34why
31:34is
31:34this
31:34adult
31:35more
31:35fun
31:36than
31:36all
31:36the
31:36other
31:36adults
31:37didn't
31:41teach us
31:41anything
31:42just
31:42came in
31:43every day
31:44sat us
31:44on the
31:44carpet
31:45and told
31:45us
31:46stories
31:46about
31:46walking
31:47his
31:47three-legged
31:48dog
31:48in the
31:48woods
31:49now
31:51one
31:51day
31:51he
31:52sat us
31:52all
31:52down
31:53and
31:53he
31:53said
31:53kids
31:54well
31:55I
31:55was
31:55walking
31:55my
31:56three-legged
31:56dog
31:56in the
31:57woods
31:57today
31:57I
31:59found
31:59something
31:59very
32:00special
32:00and he
32:01had a
32:02shoebox
32:02in his
32:02lap
32:03no
32:05he
32:06just
32:07went
32:07oh god
32:08I don't know what kind of school you went to
32:11but this isn't
32:12but this isn't the point of the story where he's like
32:14it's my big willy
32:16now suck it
32:18pitches
32:19get your mind out the gutter
32:25because something beautiful is about to happen
32:28he says
32:31I found
32:32a little badger
32:34I swear
32:36I swear to god
32:36he opened the shoebox
32:38and a badger
32:39come out
32:39so beautiful
32:42greatest thing that had happened in my childhood at that point
32:46every day for a year
32:48didn't do any arithmetic
32:50didn't do any handwriting
32:51just had this drunk guy
32:53stoating about
32:54with a badger in a box
32:56one day
33:02he said
33:03listen kids
33:04I'm going out the classroom for a bit
33:06you're right
33:07you can take care of yourselves
33:09while I'm down the pub
33:11do not get Mr. Badger
33:14out his box
33:14he's a wild animal
33:16I'll get him out
33:17when I come back
33:18I was a very good kid
33:20I never broke the rules
33:21however
33:22I sat next to two
33:24very nasty boys
33:25Lee and Kevin
33:27they're definitely in prison now
33:28and I said to them
33:31I love having Mr. Badger in class
33:34I think he's the best thing
33:36to happen to primary four
33:37Lee and Kevin turned to me
33:44this is hard to say
33:47they said
33:49that's
33:50that's
33:51that's no a badger
33:52that's a fucking puppet
33:54in a box
33:54you're fanny
33:55do you know in the matrix
34:03when Neo finds out
34:05reality isn't real
34:06I felt my vision go black
34:16the room starts spinning around me
34:19I'm shaking my head uncontrollably
34:21no no no man
34:22reliving the past year of my life
34:24looking in Mr. Badger's very real eyes
34:27hanging out with him every day
34:30I said guys
34:32I'm eight
34:33I'm not stupid
34:34that's a real badger
34:37I said I'll go to the front of the class now
34:40I wouldn't normally do this
34:42but I'll go to the front of the class
34:43and I'll take him out of his box
34:45and I'll show you all his shit
34:46he went
34:47you're a fucking spoon
34:49if this does go to America
34:56there's no way of translating that
34:57I went to the front of the class
35:06I stood in front of the box
35:07took all my strength to open it and look inside
35:12looked down
35:13100%
35:15a glove puppet
35:16on a pile
35:16of dead leaves
35:18the whole school knew
35:21except for me
35:21if you think my comedy's dark and cynical
35:26that is the moment
35:27all hope died in my life
35:29and they still won't teach
35:32primary school kids
35:34the LGBT people are real
35:35I spent a year
35:36talking to a badger
35:37this doesn't exist
35:39a week after this
35:44I overheard our art teacher
35:45Miss Christy
35:46telling one of the other teachers
35:48as if we couldn't hear
35:49oh yes
35:50they let go of Jim Curran last week
35:52it turns out he was drinking heavily
35:54on the job
35:55and those two boys from earlier
35:57just turned to me and went
35:59hi Finn
36:00guess what
36:01we saw him walking his dog in town
36:03it's got four legs
36:06twist the knife in
36:10why don't you
36:11people in power just lie to you
36:15I think people are getting more progressive on sexuality
36:23because I get a lot of younger people
36:25coming to my tour shows
36:27and they're so cool
36:28in terms of seeing sexuality as a spectrum
36:31and I think it's great
36:33and I said to my wee boyfriend
36:34now
36:35people view it this way
36:37could you be anywhere else
36:39on the Kinsey scale
36:41of sexuality
36:41and he answered really earnestly
36:44he was like
36:45I've thought about it
36:46but I honestly don't think
36:48I want
36:49to suck a dick
36:50I was like
36:52Connor
36:53no one likes
36:54to suck a dick
36:55it's just a polite thing to do
36:59again
37:05picking up more women
37:07laughing about it
37:08very often
37:10one woman starts to clap
37:12and do you know why
37:13it's always because her jaw
37:14is too sore to laugh
37:15and that's a big difference
37:21between men and women
37:23I never went in for material
37:24on the difference
37:25between men and women
37:27but women are definitely taught
37:29to be dead nice
37:30and polite
37:31especially in sexual situations
37:33and you saw where that became
37:35a problem
37:35during the whole
37:36Me Too thing
37:37where there was all these
37:38a lot of my male friends
37:40during the Me Too
37:41were like
37:42well
37:42see when a guy starts
37:44wanking in front of a woman
37:45if she doesn't like it
37:46why doesn't she just
37:47boot him in the balls
37:48and walk off
37:49because women are taught
37:51to be nice and polite
37:52and I'll give you an example
37:54when I was 15
37:55I was kissing this Italian guy
37:57round the back of a disco
37:59chaste little kisses
38:00no fingering
38:01out of nowhere
38:05he got his lad out
38:07and started wanking
38:08in front of me
38:09right
38:09enthusiastically
38:10horrifying
38:11never seen a live penis
38:14before in my life
38:15prior to this
38:17only ever seen a badger
38:18coming out of box
38:19but I didn't show
38:26I was horrified
38:27because I knew
38:27instinctively
38:28you have to smile
38:29and not offend a man
38:30so that was exactly
38:31what I did
38:32just stood back
38:33like
38:33very good
38:35I don't want to touch it
38:39no I might just
38:41keep smiling at you
38:43and walk away
38:44can he walk and wank
38:46at the same time
38:47yes he can
38:49do you know how horrifying
38:53it is that the first
38:55time you see jizz
38:56is when it's arcing
38:57after you
38:58like ectoplasm
38:59while an Italian guy
39:02chases you
39:03suck this fella
39:04jizz is disgusting
39:07right
39:08I don't want to
39:09sugarcoat it for you
39:10I mean I do
39:11I wish I could
39:12I wish I could
39:14jizz is disgusting
39:15but women don't
39:17say it
39:17because we're
39:18very polite
39:19and every porno
39:20treats it like
39:21it's manna
39:21from heaven
39:22oh
39:23oh
39:24Danone
39:25girls get taught
39:32to improvise
39:33their way
39:34it's so wonderful
39:36zine couples
39:37look at each other
39:38during this
39:38girls get taught
39:42to improvise
39:43their way
39:44around jizz politely
39:45quite early on
39:46in life
39:46as soon as all
39:47my female friends
39:48got their first
39:49boyfriends
39:50they would be like
39:51ladies
39:51if his cum tastes
39:53disgusting
39:53have you tried
39:55getting him to
39:55eat pineapple
39:56a few women
39:59have heard that
40:00and you
40:00what this just
40:02shows how unfair
40:03things are between
40:04the sexes
40:04why is he the one
40:05getting to eat
40:06pineapple
40:07why am I not
40:08getting it like
40:08the delicious
40:09chaser to a
40:10disgusting shop
40:11then the number
40:13of male friends
40:14I have
40:15that are like
40:15well you know
40:16semen
40:17is actually
40:18women should
40:19swallow
40:19because semen
40:20is full of
40:20amino acids
40:21and minerals
40:22and protein
40:23so it's good
40:24for you
40:25good for you
40:26alright
40:26chilli in my kief
40:27good for you
40:31you know
40:32period blood
40:33has loads of
40:33iron in it
40:34but I've never
40:37said to a guy
40:38bebe
40:40you're looking
40:41kind of anemic
40:41bon appetit
40:45I'm really
40:57interested in
40:58how much
40:59women are
40:59taught to
41:00be polite
41:01and I'll tell
41:01you where I
41:02see it a lot
41:03is on social
41:04media
41:04because I
41:05started getting
41:05more people
41:06sliding into
41:07my DMs
41:08on Instagram
41:09and stuff
41:10and women
41:12are always
41:12really polite
41:13they're actually
41:14almost too polite
41:15because they
41:16always open
41:16with the same
41:17thing
41:17it's always
41:18things like
41:19hey
41:19hope I'm not
41:20being creepy
41:21but
41:21and the men
41:23never open
41:24this way
41:24and are always
41:26creepy
41:27it's always
41:28something like
41:29I want to be
41:30your slave
41:31and suck on
41:31your tits
41:32and call you
41:32mum
41:32want to see
41:33a picture
41:34of my pet's
41:34neck
41:34them women
41:39are like
41:40hey
41:40hope I'm not
41:41being creepy
41:42but where did
41:43you get your
41:43shoes from
41:44this is how
41:48different my
41:49messages are
41:50from men
41:51and women
41:52on Easter
41:53Sunday
41:53I got a
41:54message
41:54from a
41:55woman that
41:56didn't know
41:56me
41:57and a guy
41:57that didn't
41:58know me
41:58and the
41:59woman was
41:59like
42:00hey
42:00hope I'm
42:01not being
42:01creepy
42:02but since
42:03it's Easter
42:03here's a
42:04picture
42:04of my
42:05pet bunny
42:06rabbit
42:06surrounded
42:07by chocolate
42:07eggs
42:08have a
42:09lovely
42:09day
42:10it's not
42:13creepy
42:13but I
42:15can see
42:15a lot
42:15of you
42:15are like
42:16what I
42:16can't
42:16know
42:17a guy
42:19messaged
42:20at the
42:20same time
42:21no words
42:22just a
42:23picture
42:23of his
42:24erect
42:24penis
42:24next to a
42:26picture
42:26of Scottish
42:27comedian
42:28Fern Brady
42:28then as
42:30an afterthought
42:31he wrote
42:31greetings
42:33from Nova
42:33Scotia
42:34well that is
42:37the worst
42:38postcard
42:39I'm ever
42:39going to
42:39receive
42:40look I
42:44don't
42:45want to
42:46be anti
42:47men by
42:48any measure
42:48I mean I
42:49absolutely
42:49do but I
42:50also want to
42:50be more
42:50marketable
42:51shrewd
42:54business women
42:54sometimes you
42:56send messages
42:57that are
42:58well intentioned
42:59and then
42:59they degenerate
43:00midway through
43:01a man
43:02messaged me
43:03and it's
43:04opened with
43:05hello Miss
43:06Brady
43:06was enjoying
43:07clips of your
43:08comedy on
43:09YouTube
43:09and then
43:10your beauty
43:11became more
43:11apparent
43:12cool
43:16yeah
43:18that's really
43:20the kind of
43:20beauty every
43:21woman longs
43:22for isn't
43:24it gradually
43:25apparent beauty
43:26wouldn't want
43:29any of that
43:30obvious beauty
43:31I want beauty
43:33that dawns on
43:35me over time
43:36coming into
43:37place like a
43:38magic eye
43:38picture
43:39and a big
43:42part of being
43:42a girl doing
43:43this is you
43:44get a lot of
43:45feedback on
43:46whether not
43:46on your jokes
43:47but on whether
43:48people do or
43:49don't want to
43:50pump you
43:50so I woke
43:51up in a good
43:53mood recently
43:54and I had a
43:55message on my
43:55Facebook comedy
43:56page it was
43:57from a man in
43:58Slovakia and
43:59the message was
44:00simple it said
44:01hey you suck
44:02and you look
44:03like a potato
44:03devastating to
44:08find out the
44:09real reason my
44:09Irish boyfriend's
44:10attracted to me
44:11text my boyfriend
44:19upset and he went
44:20the most beautiful
44:21potato I've ever
44:22seen
44:23went on for four
44:28months
44:29he messaged me
44:30he messaged my
44:31agent
44:31he messaged a few
44:32comedians
44:33the message was
44:33always the same
44:34firm ready looks
44:35like a potato
44:36every time I told
44:38my friend this is
44:39the worst thing
44:39any time I told
44:41my friends they
44:42all had the same
44:42answer the answer
44:43was never it's
44:45okay you don't
44:46look like a potato
44:47they all said the
44:49same thing every
44:50single one of them
44:51went well I love
44:53potatoes
44:54that's how you know
44:56body positivity's
44:58gotten too far
44:58just lie and say
45:00I don't look like
45:00a potato in a wig
45:01the whole thing of
45:06worrying about looks
45:07for women is getting
45:08worse and I hate it
45:09because it's not a
45:10personality trait and
45:11I was a really ugly
45:13child so I know how
45:14horrible people are to
45:15you when you're not
45:16cute
45:16I had big thick milk
45:19bottle glasses
45:20I had a mullet and
45:23I had a moustache by
45:26the age of 10
45:27big old moustache
45:28everyone in school
45:30bullied me
45:31moustache you a
45:32question moustache you
45:34a question badger
45:35girl
45:36whenever I cried to
45:39mum about it she
45:41was like they're just
45:42jealous they're just
45:43jealous darling are you
45:44just pulling random
45:46parenting advice out a
45:47book jealous of what
45:49jealous that'll look
45:50like a Cuban
45:50revolutionary at the
45:51age of 10
45:52now I especially hate
45:58when you're a woman
45:59going about a day
46:01not even thinking about
46:02how you look and a man
46:03feels the need to
46:04comment on your beauty
46:05I'm talking about
46:07catcalling but I feel
46:08like catcalling isn't
46:10that bad in Scotland I
46:11think because Scottish
46:12men have an innate sense
46:13of Scottish women's
46:14tendency towards sudden
46:16violence
46:16but I was walking around London
46:22recently during the day
46:24minding my own business I
46:26walked down an alleyway a man
46:29came out of sexual health
46:30clinic straight away I'm not
46:31making eye contact and I could
46:34just sense he was going to say
46:35something and he went hey
46:37beautiful want to suck my dick
46:39some of you's are baffled by this
46:44but there's definitely women in
46:45the audience yeah you've had
46:47that happen to you right
46:48any women that's had this
46:50happen to them will know
46:51there's no point getting angry
46:53at the man there's no point
46:54saying anything I was eating
46:56some chips at the time he said
46:57this so as soon as he shouted
46:59at me I knew what to do I
47:01started to silently spray the
47:03chips I was eating
47:04out my mouth maintaining
47:08direct eye contact the entire
47:11time
47:11is this beautiful now
47:16women in the audience that's
47:20what you have to do make your
47:22catcaller regret they ever said
47:24a word to what is clearly a very
47:27disturbed individual I'll stop at
47:30nothing I've had guys shout at me
47:33out of passing cars for a laugh
47:35and then the car will pull up in
47:37traffic and I will snot into my
47:39hand and drag it down the lens
47:41screen
47:41still want me to cheat up
47:44my boyfriend's always like oh
47:51fair and you're gonna die in a
47:53knife fight with one of these men
47:55good
47:56maybe then I'll become the patron
47:59saint of catcalling and people
48:01will start treating it like an
48:02actual problem
48:03I'm just tired of it and I'm
48:09very tired generally I've been
48:11tired for the last two years and
48:13I don't like complaining to you
48:15about it because it's unprofessional
48:17so as a life hack now anytime I'm
48:20extremely tired I'll go not often
48:23no you think you're tired now but
48:27think how tired you'd be if you had a
48:30baby
48:30then I go back to sleep
48:35this is a form of practicing
48:39gratitude I think I invented
48:41I realized
48:43a year ago I realized there's no bad
48:47situation in my life that cannot be
48:50improved by me imagining I have a baby
48:53then I go back to not having a baby
48:56try it
48:58look it only works if you don't have a baby
49:02if you do have a baby I'm sure it's a
49:05magical life affirming experience
49:08you love it against your will
49:10sounds great
49:11this is nuts though so I'd always hated
49:15babies and then last year
49:18overnight and babies everywhere
49:20started to look cracking to me
49:23not in the that sounded like I fancied
49:25babies
49:26no man babies started to look so
49:30beautiful and pure and amazing and I
49:32was like I want a baby
49:34intellectually I do not want a baby
49:40I think it's a shit idea and I'd like
49:43to keep my lovely money to myself
49:44but my body is at that sexy age where
49:48it's trying to trick me into having a
49:51baby and it's a level of conflict I
49:53never thought I would feel it's the
49:55level of conflict people like Arlene
49:57Foster must feel every time they're
50:00flicking through the ladies bras section
50:02of a catalogue or checking out Nicola
50:06Sturgeon's holiday pics on Facebook
50:08oh bad Arlene not bad pray to get away
50:12conflict my brain don't want to have a
50:20baby but my body do and my body tries to
50:23trick me by making me think things like
50:25but then if you had a baby it would be
50:29like a friend that could never leave
50:32you just know what I'm on about
50:37imagine being so lonely you have to
50:41shag your friends into existence
50:43because when you're honest that's all a
50:48family is
50:49like all the families looking at each other
50:53that's all a family is run out of pals make new ones out your hole like magic they'll be obligated to socialise with you at least on Mother's Day
51:06love babies I can't stop staring at babies in cafes right now and people see me staring at babies and they think that means I'm actively trying to get pregnant I'm not I'm writing these thoughts out till menopause fingers crossed
51:24but I was staring at a baby in a cafe and this woman I know quite smug woman said
51:33well Fern if you're thinking of having a baby have you had a fertility test
51:38and I was like in offence yes if that's what you want to call abortion
51:45really the fertility test I never knew I wanted
51:51I knew it was going to play that way in this room
52:01whenever women speak out about having one they always feel the need to caveat it by saying I had one but it's a hard decision to make really it's the hardest decision any woman can make
52:16the hardest decision was mine was they said you can have one in Leeds Miss Brady
52:22or you can have one much sooner in Doncaster
52:25I'm sorry is this the Jeremy Kyle show
52:31am I fuck having an abortion in Doncaster this baby will die with dignity
52:36in one of the financial centres of the UK
52:43ladies thank you
52:46I did a charity gig for an abortion rights group recently
52:54it's not an easy cause to raise money for
52:57and I thought this is going to be cracking
52:59back to back
53:01I did I thought back to back abortion jokes all night
53:05I'll be with my own people
53:06what a laugh we'll have
53:08these bitches
53:11I don't want to be mean
53:15but these bitches put me on 90 minutes late on stage
53:19I don't know how much you know the comedy world
53:21that's very late indeed
53:23now I come around thinking
53:24I don't want to be horrible
53:25this lack of organisation in their general lives
53:29was really what led to them
53:31and I'm very pro-choice
53:36getting a part-time baby soon
53:41that's going to be great
53:42my brother and his wife are having a baby
53:44I'm so excited man
53:46and I've been buying gifts for it
53:48I've never bought baby gifts before
53:50do yous know how much rubbish you can buy a baby
53:54that's unnecessary?
53:56there's so much stuff that babies don't need
53:59you can buy formal wear for babies
54:02little three-piece suits for babies
54:06yous know
54:06little prom dresses for tiny little babies
54:09I says to my boyfriend
54:11why do they need little three-piece suits
54:13and he went
54:14well because they might have a wedding to attend
54:16shut up
54:19as if anyone at the wedding's gonna be like
54:22have you seen the state of Charles?
54:24he showed up his whole family
54:27by coming here dressed as a fluffy teddy bear
54:30which by the way is what babies should dress as
54:34I'm always worried about having a baby
54:38because I think it's just gonna disappoint me
54:41and it's gonna disappoint me in a huge way
54:43by becoming a murderer
54:44or just a banal way
54:46by becoming a recruitment consultant
54:48and I see a lot of my pals having babies now
54:53and I find it very moving
54:55and then I see just acquaintances
54:57that I hate follow on Facebook
54:59and I think
55:00you're just doing that
55:01to fill the time between now and death
55:03it's interesting the things we do
55:07to fill the time between now and death
55:09some of yous came to this show
55:11and that was a mistake
55:14but I thought for ages
55:16if I can get what I want in comedy
55:18that's gonna fill the emptiness
55:20then I got everything I wanted last year
55:22I got all the work
55:23I did a gig at Sydney Opera House
55:25and I felt fucking nothing
55:28then I went back to the hotel
55:32and I watched videos of a pig in a wig
55:35and I felt happy
55:37and I realised the small things make you happy
55:42the pursuit of other stuff's pointless
55:45but I'm not gonna have a baby
55:47for a very specific reason
55:50a big reason that's putting me off
55:52is when I was growing up
55:53from a town called Bathgate
55:55Lewis Capaldi and Susan Boyle are from there
55:58so that's how we look in that town
56:00right?
56:04It's so cool they're doing well
56:06because it's like limited options in Bathgate
56:09especially if you're a woman with opinions
56:12if you're a girl at my school
56:13you get two options for work experience
56:16and they are child care or beauty therapy
56:20that's literally the Madonna and the whore thing right there
56:24isn't it?
56:25Take care of kids or look pretty
56:27don't do anything else
56:28and that's why I don't want to have a baby
56:31and anytime I see comments on social media going
56:34why does such a nice girl
56:36have to say such horrible things on stage
56:38I think good, good
56:40I'm doing my job
56:42I'm staying away from my Bathgate destiny
56:45I'm gonna keep being that mad Scottish woman
56:48who does comedy
56:49you've all been amazing
56:51thanks very much for coming to my show
56:53happy and fair and pretty
56:54we're done
56:55thank you
57:55Thank you very much.