Comedian Bill Hicks performs a live stand-up show in Austin, Texas.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00:00God, please help me.
00:00:16I'm so tired.
00:00:18I need my sleep.
00:00:20I make no bones about it.
00:00:21I need eight hours a day and about ten at night, and I'm good.
00:00:27But I am so tired of traveling.
00:00:29I'm so sick of sitting in airport terminals, sitting on runways, on planes that won't take off.
00:00:39Every time I see a hijacking on the news now, I just think to myself, do it, do it, do it, go for it.
00:00:45I understand I'm behind you 100% because I have thought about doing that, putting a gun to that pilot's head and saying, this is a hijacking.
00:00:55Now you get this motherfucking plane off the ground now.
00:01:01Where do you want to go? Cuba? Libya? Palestine?
00:01:05No? I just want to go where this plane was supposed to be five hours ago.
00:01:10No. That's right. I'm hijacking this plane to Nashville.
00:01:15What a bummer. At the end of all these hours of waiting that my ultimate destination is towns like Nashville or Baton Rouge.
00:01:26I feel like a UFO, because just like UFOs, I too am appearing in obscure southern towns in front of handfuls of hillbillies.
00:01:35And just like UFOs, these hillbillies find me equally incomprehensible.
00:01:44How about a nice round of applause for Mr. Bill Gingham?
00:01:48Another hand for Jimmy Pineapple, John Farnetti, and Jammer Bix.
00:01:51Let's let him hear it. Come on.
00:01:55Come on.
00:01:59Good to be here.
00:02:00Good to be here.
00:02:02I haven't been here in two years.
00:02:04Thanks.
00:02:08That warmth I've missed in Austin.
00:02:11So, we've been here.
00:02:13It's not our fault you've got to travel around.
00:02:15We're supposed to follow you around? You're supposed to be back here.
00:02:19What are you doing? Where are you?
00:02:21Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour.
00:02:25Which means like flying saucers, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.
00:02:30No one doubts my existence.
00:02:37Yeah, I've noticed a certain anti-intellectualism going around this country, man.
00:02:40Ever since around 1980.
00:02:44Coincidentally enough.
00:02:45I was in Nashville, Tennessee last week.
00:02:47And after the show, I went to a Waffle House, right?
00:02:49And I'm sitting there and I'm eating and I'm reading a book.
00:02:50I don't know anybody. I'm alone.
00:02:51I'm eating and I'm reading a book.
00:02:54And this waitress comes over to me.
00:02:57What's he reading for?
00:03:01Wow, I've never been asked that.
00:03:04Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for?
00:03:08Well, goddammit, you stumped me.
00:03:10I guess I read for a lot of reasons, but the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.
00:03:23Yeah, that'd be real high on the list.
00:03:27Then this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes,
00:03:30Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.
00:03:37What the fuck's going on?
00:03:40Like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George costume or something.
00:03:45Am I stepping out of some intellectual closet here?
00:03:47I read. There, I said it.
00:03:50I feel better.
00:03:53Some serious humanity, man.
00:03:55Serious pockets of humanity out there.
00:03:57Go to some of these truck stops.
00:03:59Middle of nowhere, meet some serious folk, man.
00:04:02Order coffee, the guy behind the counter goes,
00:04:04You want the 32 ounce or the large?
00:04:09Shit, how big is that large?
00:04:13You go want poo, you call around back.
00:04:17I gon' start that pump.
00:04:19That sounds like a lot of fucking coffee, dude.
00:04:24I don't know if I want to be awake that long in Tennessee, you know?
00:04:28I just, on second thought,
00:04:32Give me that pussy size.
00:04:35I saw a sign by the road to Tennessee once that said,
00:04:42Dirt for sale.
00:04:46What a great country we live in, huh?
00:04:49Dirt for sale.
00:04:52Well, how'd you like to get inside that guy's mind and look around for an hour, huh?
00:04:55Guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he?
00:04:59He's a big world for this gentleman.
00:05:05Oh, my God.
00:05:06Honey!
00:05:09Honey, quit serving waffles or come here, baby.
00:05:13I'm gonna sell dirt.
00:05:15Look, it's everywhere.
00:05:18You need it for a planet.
00:05:19Honey!
00:05:20Honey!
00:05:20The place was called Land Land.
00:05:35You ever see that sign?
00:05:36This is a great sign.
00:05:37The one that says,
00:05:38Speed limit enforced by aircraft.
00:05:41Wow.
00:05:43Man, you get pulled over by a plane.
00:05:50You're gonna have a time talking your way out of that second time.
00:05:54You know how fast you were going, son?
00:05:56Uh, 70.
00:05:58You're going 300 miles an hour, buddy.
00:06:00What the hell are you doing?
00:06:03Sorry, sir, I had this large coffee back at that truck stop.
00:06:07I'm fucking flying.
00:06:10Huge coffee.
00:06:12I bought some dirt.
00:06:13I thought that'd slow me down.
00:06:14But now, biggest motherfucking coffee ever.
00:06:18It's like, he pumped it right up my nose.
00:06:22I'm just skin covering coffee right now.
00:06:25And some real nervous teeth.
00:06:35Seen asleep.
00:06:38Boy, you know, in many parts of our troubled world,
00:06:40people are yelling, revolution, revolution.
00:06:42In Tennessee, they're yelling, evolution.
00:06:44We want our thumbs.
00:06:57The thing is, they see people with thumbs on TV all day.
00:07:00Boy, that's got to drive them hog wild, huh?
00:07:07Trailers are shaking.
00:07:08I hate bad points.
00:07:15They're nice people.
00:07:16They're just, what would you call them?
00:07:17Rural.
00:07:21Backwoods.
00:07:22Country.
00:07:23They're real nice, man.
00:07:25After the show, one of these guys came up to me.
00:07:26Hey, you're great.
00:07:27You're cracking me up.
00:07:29I was about to spit.
00:07:34Sorry.
00:07:36He said, no, I love you.
00:07:37I'd like you to meet my wife and sister.
00:07:40And there was one girl standing there.
00:07:48Not a thumb between them.
00:07:50God damn it.
00:07:52What are the odds of that?
00:07:55Okay, the girl had a little nubbin growing up.
00:07:58But girls evolve quicker than guys.
00:08:00John is in the basement mixing up the medicine.
00:08:08I'm on the pavement thinking about the good of me.
00:08:13Nobody's smoking here.
00:08:14There's smokers over there.
00:08:16And you are cool as a fucking cucumber.
00:08:20How many smokers do we have here tonight?
00:08:22Smokers?
00:08:22Listen to that energy.
00:08:26They can pump out a wheel, huh?
00:08:29You mean?
00:08:32Okay.
00:08:36How many?
00:08:37Thanks, smokers.
00:08:48Valiant effort on your parts.
00:08:51Next time, just hawk up a chunk of lung when I need you, though, all right?
00:08:55Just rear back and launch a phlegm gem towards the stage.
00:08:58Get one of those raw oysters out of there.
00:09:11Hey, hey, hey.
00:09:12Phlegm shouldn't have legs now.
00:09:15I'm no doctor.
00:09:17But I've seen one on TV.
00:09:23You ready for this, smokers?
00:09:24Listen to this.
00:09:25How many non-smokers do we have here tonight?
00:09:27Non-smokers.
00:09:28What a bunch of whining maggots.
00:09:40Bunch of obnoxious, self-righteous slugs.
00:09:44Don't take that on.
00:09:47I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of you.
00:09:50I swear to God.
00:09:51I'm willing to die seven years before my time
00:09:54just so I'll be cool each last fucking day.
00:09:56The worst kind of non-smoker
00:10:00is the one where you're smoking
00:10:03and they just walk up to you.
00:10:05I always say, shit, you're lucky you don't smoke.
00:10:18It's a hell of a cough you got there.
00:10:19I smoke all day and don't cough like that.
00:10:23Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm or something.
00:10:27Maybe your dad was jacking off
00:10:28and your mom sat on it at the last second.
00:10:30Did I overreact?
00:10:40I don't think I did, do I?
00:10:42I think that's kind of cruel.
00:10:43I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me?
00:10:45Like, Jesus.
00:10:47You go up to crippled people dancing too, you fucks?
00:10:52Well, how you missed a wheelchair?
00:10:53What's the problem?
00:10:58Come on, Ironside.
00:11:00Raise you.
00:11:02You fucking sadists.
00:11:03I mean the nerve.
00:11:10I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die.
00:11:14Deal?
00:11:16Thank you, America.
00:11:19People say, well, it's a secondary smoke.
00:11:21It's not just the smoke that you smoke,
00:11:22but it's also the smoke that comes out.
00:11:26If it was just the smoke that you smoked,
00:11:28that'd be fine,
00:11:28but it's also there's a secondary smoke,
00:11:30but it's also,
00:11:31there's been reports that there's studies
00:11:33that there's a secondary smoke,
00:11:34because it's also just,
00:11:35if it went between the smoke that you,
00:11:37but also the stuff that you breathe out,
00:11:38that went in technical,
00:11:39that goes under me.
00:11:40And then it goes,
00:11:40and then it's thirdary smoke,
00:11:42then fourth,
00:11:42but then by then I'm sick and I'm dead,
00:11:44so what do I do?
00:11:48Good theory.
00:11:51But guess what?
00:11:52If I don't smoke,
00:11:54there's going to be secondary bullets
00:11:55coming your way.
00:11:57Because I'm that tense.
00:11:59But I'm trying to quit.
00:12:04How much do you smoke a day, sir?
00:12:06Pack.
00:12:07Pack?
00:12:08What a little push.
00:12:11God, why don't you just put a dress on
00:12:13and show it all to us
00:12:14while you smoke your little faggoty pack.
00:12:17Come on,
00:12:17swish around for it.
00:12:21Damn it,
00:12:21that pisses me off.
00:12:22I go through two lighters a day,
00:12:25dude,
00:12:26all right?
00:12:29Now I'm starting to feel it.
00:12:36I got this big fear
00:12:37of doing smoking jokes
00:12:38in my act, right?
00:12:39Showing up five years from now
00:12:40going,
00:12:41good evening, everybody.
00:12:47Remember me?
00:12:50Smoking's bad.
00:12:52You ever see anybody do that?
00:13:05I've seen somebody do that, man.
00:13:07Let me tell you something.
00:13:08If you're smoking
00:13:09out of a hole in your neck,
00:13:12I'd think about quitting.
00:13:20And that's just me,
00:13:21you know.
00:13:22What I do do, though,
00:13:25I know all smokers do this.
00:13:27You notice this?
00:13:27Every cigarette pack
00:13:28has a different
00:13:29Surgeon General's warning on it.
00:13:30How cool.
00:13:32Mine say,
00:13:32warning,
00:13:33smoking may cause
00:13:33fetal injury
00:13:34or premature birth.
00:13:38Fuck it.
00:13:40I found my brand.
00:13:44Just don't get the ones
00:13:45that say lung cancer.
00:13:46You know,
00:13:47shop around.
00:13:47hell,
00:13:50give me a carton
00:13:50of them low birth weights.
00:13:54What the fuck do I care?
00:13:57Why are you so down,
00:13:58Bill?
00:13:58Low birth weight.
00:13:59Yeah.
00:14:00Smoking way too many
00:14:01low birth weights.
00:14:08Mmm, mmm, mmm.
00:14:09Tastes like steak
00:14:10and potatoes, doesn't it?
00:14:11See, I don't, you know,
00:14:16I don't drink.
00:14:17I smoke.
00:14:18I used to drink, you know.
00:14:19I did.
00:14:20I had to quit.
00:14:21Man, I was an embarrassing
00:14:22drunk, man.
00:14:23I'd get pulled over by the cops.
00:14:24I'd be so drunk,
00:14:25I'd be out dancing
00:14:26to their lights
00:14:27thinking I'd made it
00:14:28to another club, man.
00:14:29Hey, what is this,
00:14:37a leather bar?
00:14:37Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:14:39I'm not into this,
00:14:40you faggot.
00:14:42Oh, shit.
00:14:47Not drinking tonight?
00:14:49No.
00:14:50Why?
00:14:52You don't drink?
00:14:53You don't do all right.
00:14:54Good.
00:14:54Good for you.
00:14:55Well, I tell you,
00:14:56they changed
00:14:56that drunk driving shit, man.
00:14:58The attitude is just
00:14:59too harsh for me.
00:15:00Way too harsh.
00:15:01You remember 10 years ago,
00:15:02anybody, 10 years ago,
00:15:03you got pulled over,
00:15:04cop came up to your car,
00:15:05son, you been drinking?
00:15:06Yeah.
00:15:07Oh, sorry to bother you.
00:15:10Hope I didn't bring
00:15:11your buzz down any.
00:15:12Okay.
00:15:13Get on out of here
00:15:14and have some fun.
00:15:15Drink wine for us.
00:15:16We'll be joining you
00:15:17right after duty.
00:15:18Okay, bye-bye.
00:15:20Back in the car, Tommy,
00:15:21it's a drunk guy
00:15:22behind the wheel
00:15:22of an automobile.
00:15:23That's all.
00:15:25You remember that?
00:15:26Now you are the murderer.
00:15:27Married drunk,
00:15:28you go,
00:15:28why don't you go
00:15:28catch murderers?
00:15:29You are the fucking murderer.
00:15:31You know?
00:15:32And they're going to nail you, man.
00:15:33They got that field
00:15:34sobriety test,
00:15:35guaranteed.
00:15:36They start off slow.
00:15:37I love it.
00:15:37Walk a straight line.
00:15:38Well, shit.
00:15:41I've been so drunk,
00:15:42I peed in my own pants,
00:15:44but at no time
00:15:45could I not,
00:15:46I could skip
00:15:47a fucking straight line, dude.
00:15:50Touch your nose.
00:15:51Well, dude,
00:15:53I could shoot Thorazine
00:15:55into my heart
00:15:56and still find
00:15:58my fucking nose.
00:15:58I've never understood
00:15:59that one at all.
00:16:01That is just,
00:16:02are people out there
00:16:03who cannot find
00:16:04their nose?
00:16:05I don't,
00:16:06it's right there.
00:16:07Never will it move.
00:16:09I don't care
00:16:09how fucking drunk I am.
00:16:11I can have no arms
00:16:13and still find
00:16:14my fucking nose.
00:16:15But then the kicker,
00:16:18say the alphabet.
00:16:20Backwards.
00:16:20Backwards.
00:16:21Well, shit,
00:16:23you got me.
00:16:26I'm not drunk,
00:16:27but I'm obviously
00:16:28too stupid
00:16:28to be driving,
00:16:29goddammit.
00:16:32Somebody can actually
00:16:33do this?
00:16:34What kind of
00:16:34sobriety test is this?
00:16:36They're making this shit
00:16:37up as they go.
00:16:39They're having fun with you.
00:16:40You're jumping through
00:16:41hoops for these guys, man.
00:16:43They're sitting there
00:16:43going, shit,
00:16:44do a flip.
00:16:45Come here, son.
00:16:47Put your dick
00:16:48in our exhaust pipe.
00:16:48Do it right now.
00:16:51Shit,
00:16:51I never heard
00:16:52of this one.
00:16:54These are officers.
00:16:55They know
00:16:56what they're doing.
00:16:58Goddamn,
00:16:58that's hot.
00:17:00Shit,
00:17:00how long
00:17:01have they been
00:17:01chasing us?
00:17:03Fuck.
00:17:05Man,
00:17:05they're just
00:17:06having fun with you.
00:17:07This has nothing
00:17:07to do with
00:17:08sobriety test.
00:17:09You're auditioning
00:17:10for your freedom.
00:17:11You think,
00:17:11whoa,
00:17:13Z-Y,
00:17:14Z-Y.
00:17:15I don't know
00:17:15the rest of them.
00:17:17They humiliate you
00:17:18for their own amusement,
00:17:19then they pop you.
00:17:20All right?
00:17:21So I say,
00:17:21fuck it.
00:17:22Walk straight line,
00:17:23touch your nose.
00:17:25Fuck that,
00:17:25I'm drunk.
00:17:28I might puke
00:17:29if I start
00:17:29moving around a lot.
00:17:33How about this,
00:17:34officer?
00:17:34How about you
00:17:34carry me to the
00:17:35back of your car?
00:17:36I think I'll start
00:17:38my 18-hour nap
00:17:39right now,
00:17:39buddy.
00:17:41You ever seen
00:17:42vomit go through
00:17:42that mesh screen
00:17:43between the front
00:17:44and back seat
00:17:44of their car?
00:17:45Oh,
00:17:45yeah.
00:17:46You're gonna rue
00:17:47the day you
00:17:48pulled me in,
00:17:48buddy.
00:17:50I've been eating
00:17:50bar olives
00:17:51for three days
00:17:52straight.
00:17:53I don't think
00:17:54it's gonna go
00:17:55with your
00:17:55crispy blues.
00:17:58Wouldn't that be
00:17:59great to be
00:17:59too drunk to bust?
00:18:00He just goes,
00:18:01screw it,
00:18:01let him go.
00:18:03Boy,
00:18:03he did a nice
00:18:04flip though,
00:18:04didn't he?
00:18:06Touching his nose
00:18:07the whole way around.
00:18:10Touch your nose?
00:18:11I don't,
00:18:12every fucking time.
00:18:14Never will I
00:18:14miss my nose.
00:18:17Oh,
00:18:17man.
00:18:19You know,
00:18:19it was really
00:18:20humiliating.
00:18:21Driving
00:18:21and drinking.
00:18:22I was driving
00:18:23a Chevette.
00:18:25Boy,
00:18:25that's
00:18:26getting a DWI
00:18:28and a Chevette.
00:18:29God damn it.
00:18:32Not like
00:18:32if I hit anyone,
00:18:33it'd make a difference,
00:18:34you know?
00:18:34Be fair.
00:18:37Son,
00:18:38you're drunk,
00:18:38no doubt about it,
00:18:39but you're in a Chevette,
00:18:40buddy.
00:18:40Hell,
00:18:40go get him.
00:18:45Excuse me.
00:18:48Pardon me,
00:18:49sorry.
00:18:52I'm gonna be like
00:18:53a big wheel
00:18:54hitting your ship,
00:18:54you know?
00:18:56They got mosquitoes
00:18:57bigger in these
00:18:57fucking cars.
00:18:58piece of shit car.
00:19:02Turn the air conditioner
00:19:03on a Chevette
00:19:04while you're driving,
00:19:05it's like hitting
00:19:05this car in the balls,
00:19:06man.
00:19:08Car,
00:19:08dude,
00:19:08oh,
00:19:09oh,
00:19:11oh.
00:19:15It goes down
00:19:16to five
00:19:17all of a sudden.
00:19:17Oh.
00:19:20I feel like
00:19:21the Flintstones
00:19:21in this thing.
00:19:22Oh.
00:19:25You push
00:19:25the lighter in,
00:19:26the battery light
00:19:27comes on?
00:19:30No wonder
00:19:31I'm fucking drunk.
00:19:35I hit a moth
00:19:36one time,
00:19:37did $400 damage
00:19:38in this piece
00:19:39of shit car.
00:19:40The moth
00:19:41was all right,
00:19:42he rolled with it.
00:19:44He took off,
00:19:45I'm waiting
00:19:45for a tow truck.
00:19:47What happened
00:19:48to your car,
00:19:48buddy?
00:19:49Shit,
00:19:49I hit a bug.
00:19:50You're lucky
00:19:51to be alive,
00:19:52son.
00:19:52Man in Tennessee
00:19:54hit a ladybug
00:19:55in one of them
00:19:55things,
00:19:56sheared his head
00:19:56clean off,
00:19:58and his thumbs.
00:20:03It's sort of
00:20:04a freak action.
00:20:07Oh,
00:20:08man,
00:20:08you're a good crowd,
00:20:09it's going to be bad.
00:20:11Got a lot of
00:20:12partying here in Austin.
00:20:13A ton of partying.
00:20:14I don't do drugs,
00:20:17I want to thank
00:20:18management for offering,
00:20:19but I said no.
00:20:22When I say no,
00:20:23it means
00:20:23how much
00:20:25and can I get
00:20:25some more?
00:20:26No,
00:20:26it means no.
00:20:27I mean that,
00:20:28unless you're
00:20:28giving it away.
00:20:29No,
00:20:30it means no.
00:20:31Then,
00:20:32can I also get
00:20:32some ludes
00:20:33to come down later?
00:20:33No,
00:20:34it means seriously,
00:20:34it means no.
00:20:36Is the bar open?
00:20:37Oh,
00:20:37okay,
00:20:37no,
00:20:37it means,
00:20:39let's see how I,
00:20:40no.
00:20:41I used to do drugs,
00:20:42I had no luck
00:20:42with drugs,
00:20:43man.
00:20:44One time,
00:20:44me and three friends
00:20:45dropped acid,
00:20:46drove around
00:20:46in my dad's car.
00:20:47He has one of those
00:20:47talking cars.
00:20:49We're tripping
00:20:49and the car goes,
00:20:50the door is ajar.
00:21:01We pulled over
00:21:02and thought about that
00:21:02for 12 hours,
00:21:03man.
00:21:06Shit,
00:21:06how can a door
00:21:07be ajar?
00:21:10Oh,
00:21:11shit,
00:21:12why would they
00:21:12put a jar
00:21:13on a car?
00:21:16Oh,
00:21:16shit,
00:21:17the freeway's melting.
00:21:20Put it in the jar.
00:21:23This,
00:21:24this went on
00:21:24for hours.
00:21:28But if it's a jar,
00:21:29but what kind of car?
00:21:36I'm tired.
00:21:37Got pulled over
00:21:45tripping once.
00:21:46There's a dream
00:21:47come true.
00:21:49I'll match that
00:21:50to any drunk story
00:21:51you got.
00:21:53Pulled over tripping.
00:21:55Jeez,
00:21:56cop is tapping
00:21:56on this window,
00:21:57we're staring at him
00:21:58in this mirror
00:21:59over here.
00:21:59How tall are you?
00:22:06How tall are you?
00:22:19Shit.
00:22:21And much.
00:22:23Big one and a little one.
00:22:24Twins.
00:22:30Oh,
00:22:30shit.
00:22:32Be cool.
00:22:50Z.
00:22:50Z.
00:22:51Z.
00:22:51Z.
00:22:51Z.
00:22:51Z.
00:22:51Z.
00:22:51Z.
00:22:52Z.
00:22:52Z.
00:22:52Z.
00:22:53Z.
00:22:53Z.
00:22:53Z.
00:22:53Z.
00:22:54I don't do drugs.
00:22:58I got nothing
00:22:58against drugs.
00:23:00I got nothing
00:23:01against drugs.
00:23:02I think it's
00:23:03a personal choice.
00:23:04Just like alcohol,
00:23:04just like cigarettes.
00:23:06As long as that
00:23:06personal choice
00:23:06does not infringe
00:23:07upon the freedoms
00:23:08of another person's
00:23:09personal choice.
00:23:10Really,
00:23:11that's the end
00:23:11of the story.
00:23:13That's called logic.
00:23:14It'll help you.
00:23:17George Bush says
00:23:18we are losing
00:23:18the war on drugs.
00:23:20Well,
00:23:20you know what that implies?
00:23:21There's a war going on
00:23:22and people on drugs
00:23:23are winning it.
00:23:24Ah!
00:23:24Well,
00:23:27what does that
00:23:27tell you about drugs?
00:23:29Some smart,
00:23:30creative motherfuckers
00:23:31on that side.
00:23:32They're winning a war
00:23:33and they're fucked up.
00:23:36A lot of y'all
00:23:36don't even know
00:23:36you're fighting,
00:23:37do you?
00:23:37You're sitting there
00:23:38going,
00:23:38fuck,
00:23:38I'm watching
00:23:38Saturday Night Live.
00:23:40Are we winning?
00:23:42I feel like
00:23:43my flank is covered.
00:23:45Honey,
00:23:46bring me a beer.
00:23:48I got a war to win.
00:23:48What?
00:23:49I got a war to win.
00:23:49I got a war to win.
00:23:51I got a war to win.
00:23:51What fucking war is that?
00:23:53Yes!
00:23:54Yes!
00:23:55I know they spoke.
00:23:56You know,
00:23:56the war on drugs
00:23:57is hypocrisy, man.
00:23:58That's why it's not
00:23:59going to work.
00:23:59It's fucking a lie.
00:24:01Alcohol and cigarettes
00:24:02kills more people
00:24:03than crack,
00:24:04coke,
00:24:04and heroin
00:24:04combined.
00:24:06So the war on drugs
00:24:08is really sort of
00:24:09a cocksuck,
00:24:10isn't it?
00:24:13You alcoholics
00:24:14are going,
00:24:14shit,
00:24:14we're next.
00:24:15If they're fighting drugs,
00:24:17we can be taken.
00:24:20Drug guys
00:24:21are creative motherfuckers.
00:24:22We're just obnoxious,
00:24:23man.
00:24:23We're fucking out there.
00:24:26Hey,
00:24:26here comes the fight.
00:24:29You know the problem
00:24:30with the war on drugs
00:24:30is they lump
00:24:31all drugs together.
00:24:32You know what I mean?
00:24:33Pot and crack!
00:24:36Well, they're not the same.
00:24:37Not only do I think
00:24:38pot should be legalized,
00:24:39I think it should be mandatory.
00:24:44Think about it.
00:24:45You get in traffic
00:24:46behind somebody.
00:24:53Shut up,
00:24:54smoke, Dad.
00:24:55It's the law.
00:25:00Oh, sorry.
00:25:01I was taking life seriously.
00:25:02Oh, shit.
00:25:06I'm sorry about
00:25:07all that noise.
00:25:08I thought it mattered.
00:25:11Oh, shit.
00:25:11Who's hungry?
00:25:15That'd be a nice world.
00:25:16Wouldn't it?
00:25:16Mellow, hungry,
00:25:17fucked up people everywhere?
00:25:20Domino's pizza trucks
00:25:21passing each other
00:25:22on every highway.
00:25:24Parade to Domino's.
00:25:25Let them get stuck
00:25:28in traffic.
00:25:29All our pizzas
00:25:29will be free.
00:25:39The war on drugs.
00:25:41You know what's wild?
00:25:41You never see
00:25:42a positive drug story
00:25:43on the news, do you?
00:25:44You ever seen one?
00:25:45Isn't that weird?
00:25:45Don't you think that's strange?
00:25:46I mean, the news
00:25:47is supposed to be objective.
00:25:48Isn't it supposed to be
00:25:49the news?
00:25:51But every drug story
00:25:54is negative?
00:25:56Well, hold it.
00:25:59I've had some killer times
00:26:01on drugs.
00:26:03I'm not promoting it,
00:26:04but I'm not denying it.
00:26:06Let's hear the whole
00:26:07fucking story.
00:26:09Same LSD story
00:26:11every time.
00:26:11We've all heard it.
00:26:12Young man on acid
00:26:13thought he could fly,
00:26:14jumped out of a building.
00:26:16What a tragedy.
00:26:19What a dick.
00:26:21Don't go blaming acid
00:26:23on this fucking guy.
00:26:24Hey, hey, hey.
00:26:24If he thought he could fly,
00:26:25let him take off
00:26:26from the ground
00:26:26and check it out first.
00:26:27Fuck it.
00:26:28He's an idiot.
00:26:29He's dead.
00:26:29Good.
00:26:31You don't see ducks
00:26:32lined up to catch elevators
00:26:33to fly north, do you?
00:26:34No, they fly from
00:26:35the fucking ground.
00:26:36The guy was a moron.
00:26:37He's dead.
00:26:37Good.
00:26:38No tragedy.
00:26:39You mean there's
00:26:39one less idiot in the world?
00:26:41Woo!
00:26:41How am I gonna
00:26:42sleep through the night?
00:26:44Why so down, Bill?
00:26:45We're missing a moron.
00:26:48We're missing a moron!
00:26:51I mean, I'm not trying
00:26:53to be cold or cruel
00:26:54or, you know,
00:26:55but let's hear
00:26:56the whole story.
00:26:56Wouldn't you like
00:26:57to see a positive
00:26:58LSD story on the news
00:26:59to hear what it's
00:27:00all about, perhaps?
00:27:01Wouldn't that be
00:27:01interesting just once?
00:27:03Today, a young man
00:27:04on acid realized
00:27:05that all matter
00:27:06is merely energy
00:27:06condensed to a slow
00:27:08vibration that we
00:27:09are all one
00:27:09consciousness experiencing
00:27:11itself subjectively.
00:27:12There's no such
00:27:13thing as death.
00:27:14Life is only a dream
00:27:15and we're the
00:27:15imagination of ourselves.
00:27:16Here's Tom
00:27:17with the weather.
00:27:23Wow!
00:27:24Did you see the news?
00:27:27Something about
00:27:28how we're God's
00:27:29perfect and holy
00:27:30thoughts and we
00:27:31live in his mind
00:27:32and there's no reason
00:27:33to suffer or lack
00:27:35ever.
00:27:37I thought it was
00:27:38sort of newsworthy.
00:27:40Then again,
00:27:41I was fucked up
00:27:42at the time,
00:27:42so who knows?
00:27:45Shit, man.
00:27:46It's got too many
00:27:46mixed signals,
00:27:47you know what I mean?
00:27:48A lot of our heroes
00:27:49are big drug users.
00:27:50It's tough for us,
00:27:50right?
00:27:51And when you're
00:27:52really down and out,
00:27:52you can always think,
00:27:53hey, drugs are so
00:27:54bad for us.
00:27:55How come Keith
00:27:55Richard still
00:27:56fucking walks?
00:27:58Let's hear the
00:27:58certain general's
00:27:59report on Keith.
00:28:01A little hole
00:28:02in the theory there.
00:28:04Certain general's
00:28:04just, drugs are bad,
00:28:05drugs are evil.
00:28:07Except for that guy.
00:28:09They work real well
00:28:10for him, but the
00:28:10rest of you.
00:28:13It's like that
00:28:13commercial, the guy
00:28:14with the skillet,
00:28:15this is your brain.
00:28:16Here's Keith's brain.
00:28:20Here's Keith's brain
00:28:21on drugs.
00:28:28Hey, that sounds
00:28:29pretty good.
00:28:30That's him on drugs?
00:28:32Well, shit.
00:28:33Get him some more.
00:28:35Let's see what else
00:28:36he pumps out.
00:28:38Here's Keith
00:28:38almost dead.
00:28:39Well, fuck it.
00:28:43Let's kill him.
00:28:44Get some real hits.
00:28:51Telling you, man.
00:28:52Keith Richards
00:28:52outlived Jim Fix,
00:28:54the runner and
00:28:55health nut.
00:28:55And the plot thickens.
00:29:03You remember Jim Fix?
00:29:04This human cipher
00:29:06used to write books
00:29:08on jogging.
00:29:09Now, what do you
00:29:11fucking write
00:29:11about jogging?
00:29:14Right foot,
00:29:15left foot,
00:29:16faster, faster.
00:29:19Oh, hell, I don't know.
00:29:20Go home, shower.
00:29:21Pretty much covers
00:29:24the jogging experience,
00:29:25I do believe.
00:29:26Then, this doofus
00:29:28goes out
00:29:28and has a heart attack
00:29:29and dies
00:29:30while jogging.
00:29:31There is a God.
00:29:45Right foot,
00:29:46left foot,
00:29:47hemorrhage.
00:29:53Yeah, Jim,
00:29:54we're going to need
00:29:54a happier ending, buddy.
00:29:57Got your latest manuscript.
00:29:58Right foot,
00:29:59left foot,
00:29:59blood spurts out nose.
00:30:00Now, Jim,
00:30:01what the hell is this?
00:30:02You having problems
00:30:02at home, buddy?
00:30:05Shut up, man.
00:30:06Keith Richards
00:30:06is shooting heroin
00:30:07into the vein
00:30:08under his cock
00:30:09and is still touring,
00:30:10all right?
00:30:12I'm getting
00:30:12mixed signals.
00:30:14That's all I'm saying.
00:30:16I'm not pro or con,
00:30:17I'm just saying.
00:30:21Drink up,
00:30:22have fun.
00:30:23There is no death.
00:30:24Drink up,
00:30:24have fun,
00:30:25don't suffer,
00:30:25don't feel guilty.
00:30:26Drink up,
00:30:27have fun,
00:30:28don't feel guilty,
00:30:28don't suffer.
00:30:29There is no death.
00:30:29God loves you
00:30:30no matter what you do,
00:30:30you are the perfect
00:30:31and holy child of God.
00:30:32And as my friend
00:30:33Jimmy Pineapple would say,
00:30:35case fucking closed.
00:30:39Because I get depressed,
00:30:40you don't think I know?
00:30:41Shit,
00:30:42you think I'm wearing
00:30:42all black in the summertime?
00:30:43Because I'm a fucking
00:30:44ray of sunshine, dude.
00:30:48The fact that we live
00:30:49in a world
00:30:50where John Lennon
00:30:51was murdered,
00:30:51yet Barry Manilow
00:30:53continues to put out
00:30:54out.
00:30:55like, oh yeah.
00:30:57Woo!
00:30:59Man, if you're gonna
00:30:59kill somebody,
00:31:01have some fucking taste.
00:31:03I'll drive you
00:31:04to Kenny Rogers' house.
00:31:08Get in the car,
00:31:09I know where
00:31:09Wham lives.
00:31:13You gotta have
00:31:14fake,
00:31:15da, da, da.
00:31:16No, George,
00:31:20you gotta have
00:31:20talent, dude.
00:31:24New rule.
00:31:30And you can shave
00:31:31that two-day
00:31:31growth of beard off
00:31:32because you're
00:31:32fooling no one,
00:31:33you big girl.
00:31:34For the record,
00:31:44let's not mince words.
00:31:45Our very lives
00:31:46depend upon truth.
00:31:49George Michaels
00:31:50is a big girl.
00:31:51If
00:31:52you ladies like him,
00:31:54you're dykes.
00:31:58That's the way it is.
00:32:00That's cool.
00:32:01I've always said
00:32:01the only thing more
00:32:02beautiful than a woman
00:32:02is two of them.
00:32:03Go ahead and like him.
00:32:05But understand
00:32:06that it's a part of you
00:32:07that makes you want
00:32:07to go down
00:32:08on another woman.
00:32:08That's all.
00:32:09Every time you listen
00:32:09to the record,
00:32:10you're thinking,
00:32:10God, I'd love to eat
00:32:11another woman's pussy.
00:32:12But, fine, enjoy it.
00:32:14You know, enjoy it.
00:32:15Don't feel guilty.
00:32:15Do what you want to do
00:32:16and God loves you
00:32:17no matter what you do.
00:32:19But understand
00:32:19that every time
00:32:20you listen to
00:32:20George Michael
00:32:21or give him money
00:32:22that you're thinking,
00:32:22my God,
00:32:23what would I not give
00:32:24to have a bush
00:32:25in my mouth right now?
00:32:27My God,
00:32:28to smell that
00:32:29stinky little peach fish.
00:32:31Oh, Lord.
00:32:32Oh, give me that stuff.
00:32:34Let it drip like honey.
00:32:35But understand
00:32:36that that's cool.
00:32:37But that is what it is.
00:32:38Yeah.
00:32:46George Michael's, man.
00:32:48Have you seen this guy?
00:32:49He's talking Diet Cokes now.
00:32:50Have you seen that commercial?
00:32:52Woo, Diet Cokes.
00:32:53I'm George Michael.
00:32:54Woo, I'm a rock star.
00:32:55What kind of Reagan
00:32:57wet dream is this
00:32:58fucking world, man?
00:33:00These are our rock stars.
00:33:01Yeah?
00:33:02Hawking Diet Cokes.
00:33:04What real rock star
00:33:06would do something like that?
00:33:07It's Keith Moon
00:33:08for Snickers.
00:33:12Sometimes I'm doing
00:33:13a drum solo
00:33:14and I haven't eaten
00:33:14for like three fucking weeks.
00:33:17The needle broke off
00:33:18in me arm.
00:33:19I eat a Snickers.
00:33:20That's a rock star.
00:33:27Diet Coke.
00:33:30Why don't you just
00:33:30put a skirt on
00:33:31and get on a swing set
00:33:32for that commercial, George?
00:33:35Diet Coke.
00:33:35Come on, y'all.
00:33:36Let's drink Diet Coke together
00:33:37and listen to rock music.
00:33:38Come on.
00:33:39Hee, hee, hee.
00:33:40Come on, everybody.
00:33:41I got extra panties
00:33:42in the tour bus.
00:33:43Let's go.
00:33:44Come on.
00:33:45I got panties.
00:33:45We're going to drink
00:33:46that Coke
00:33:46so our little bottom
00:33:47doesn't get too big.
00:33:49God, we love little bottoms,
00:33:50don't we, girls?
00:33:51Hee, hee, hee.
00:33:53Make me fucking sick.
00:33:58Everybody's hawking products,
00:33:59though, isn't it?
00:33:59That's the highest thing
00:34:00you can achieve
00:34:01in our culture, isn't it?
00:34:02Become some barker.
00:34:04These guys are getting into it.
00:34:07Who do I kill?
00:34:12Sinatra sells beer.
00:34:13He doesn't have enough fucking money,
00:34:15you know?
00:34:16Nothing's sacred.
00:34:17I'm waiting to see.
00:34:17It's Jesus for Miller.
00:34:21I was crucified,
00:34:22dead for three days,
00:34:22resurrected,
00:34:23and waited 2,000 years
00:34:24to return to Earth.
00:34:25It's Miller time.
00:34:29You know, Jesus,
00:34:30it doesn't get better than this.
00:34:38Are y'all into this,
00:34:39or am I like,
00:34:40can I get off now?
00:34:41Woo!
00:34:41Woo!
00:34:42Woo!
00:34:42Woo!
00:34:42Woo!
00:34:43Woo!
00:34:43Woo!
00:34:43Woo!
00:34:43Let me hear you say,
00:34:46yeah!
00:34:47Yeah!
00:34:47Say it!
00:34:48Yeah!
00:34:49Yeah!
00:34:50All right!
00:34:52All right!
00:34:55Thanks.
00:34:55Leave me hanging.
00:34:58We don't make cricket sounds.
00:35:00Practice!
00:35:04Do it again!
00:35:06Request.
00:35:08Do y'all understand
00:35:09what I'm saying?
00:35:10Am I overly sensitive?
00:35:11I mean,
00:35:11the fact that
00:35:12after eight years
00:35:13of Ronald Reagan,
00:35:14we live on like
00:35:15the third mall
00:35:16from the sun.
00:35:17That doesn't piss
00:35:18anybody off anymore.
00:35:20Debbie Gibson
00:35:21had the number one
00:35:22album in this country.
00:35:24This doesn't make
00:35:25your blood
00:35:25fucking
00:35:26curdle.
00:35:27I mean,
00:35:28is it me?
00:35:29Am I overreacting?
00:35:31Who is buying this shit?
00:35:33Is there that much
00:35:34babysitting money
00:35:35being passed around
00:35:36right now?
00:35:36Have you seen
00:35:38this little mall
00:35:39creature at work?
00:35:41Shake your luck.
00:35:45Shake your luck.
00:35:49What love
00:35:50are you shaking?
00:35:51You're 12.
00:35:52You got no titties.
00:35:55You look like
00:35:56John Boy.
00:35:57And your music sucks.
00:36:00Shut up
00:36:01and go back
00:36:01to the mall
00:36:02that spawned you.
00:36:03Go babysit Tiffany.
00:36:08That's what
00:36:08you should be doing.
00:36:09And spank her
00:36:10little bottom
00:36:11until it's pink
00:36:11then kiss it
00:36:12all over.
00:36:13There's a video
00:36:14I'll watch
00:36:15of you two.
00:36:18I'd like to see
00:36:19those two little
00:36:20hairless peach fishes
00:36:21locked in a 69.
00:36:22Keep their fucking
00:36:23mouths busy
00:36:24so they don't
00:36:24have to sing for us.
00:36:28Debbie,
00:36:29I gotta do it
00:36:29or I'll have to sing.
00:36:30Oh fuck,
00:36:31start eating, baby.
00:36:31Oh,
00:36:32oh.
00:36:33Oh God,
00:36:34it's like a
00:36:35freshly opened
00:36:35cantaloupe.
00:36:36I know, baby.
00:36:38There's a video
00:36:39I'll watch.
00:36:43What did I say?
00:36:46Some of y'all
00:36:46have started
00:36:47to pull back
00:36:47on me.
00:36:48What's the deal?
00:36:51Tiffany.
00:36:52There's another
00:36:52waste of flesh
00:36:53and organs, huh?
00:36:54Boy,
00:36:55to think someone
00:36:55could use
00:36:56a good liver.
00:36:57That's what
00:36:57really ticks me off.
00:37:00She'll live
00:37:01to be 105
00:37:01without a pimple,
00:37:02you know.
00:37:06Rick Astley,
00:37:07have you seen
00:37:07this banal
00:37:08incubus at work?
00:37:11Boy,
00:37:11this guy's not
00:37:12heralding
00:37:12Satan's imminent
00:37:13approach to earth,
00:37:14huh?
00:37:15Don't ever
00:37:16want to make you
00:37:17cry.
00:37:18Never want to
00:37:18make you sigh.
00:37:20Never want to
00:37:21break your
00:37:22heart.
00:37:25I wouldn't
00:37:26worry about that
00:37:26without a dick,
00:37:27buddy.
00:37:27You got a
00:37:30corn nut.
00:37:31You have a
00:37:31clit.
00:37:32You're not
00:37:32even a guy.
00:37:34You're an
00:37:35AIDS germ
00:37:35that got off
00:37:36a slide.
00:37:40They're
00:37:40putting music
00:37:41to AIDS germs,
00:37:42putting a
00:37:42drum machine
00:37:43behind them
00:37:43in a
00:37:44metronome
00:37:44beat,
00:37:45and Ted
00:37:45Turner's
00:37:46colorizing them,
00:37:46goddammit.
00:37:49These aren't
00:37:50even really
00:37:51people,
00:37:51man.
00:37:52It's a CIA
00:37:53plot to
00:37:54make you
00:37:54think malls
00:37:55are good.
00:37:57Don't you
00:37:58see?
00:38:01But Bill,
00:38:01malls are
00:38:02good.
00:38:04Malls allow
00:38:05us to shop
00:38:06365 days
00:38:07of the year
00:38:07at 72
00:38:08degrees.
00:38:09That must
00:38:10be a
00:38:10goodness.
00:38:13We're
00:38:14happy
00:38:14consumers.
00:38:15I'm a
00:38:16happy
00:38:17consumer.
00:38:17And you
00:38:18know,
00:38:18I'm
00:38:21concerned
00:38:21about
00:38:21what
00:38:21my
00:38:22children
00:38:22consume.
00:38:24I'd like
00:38:25to consume
00:38:25the barrel
00:38:26of a 12-case
00:38:27shotgun right
00:38:27now,
00:38:27if I could.
00:38:28Thank you,
00:38:28because I'm
00:38:29in hell.
00:38:45you do
00:38:48realize by
00:38:49the year
00:38:492000,
00:38:50all malls
00:38:50in the world
00:38:51are going
00:38:51to be
00:38:51connected.
00:38:55There's
00:38:55going to
00:38:55be a
00:38:55subculture
00:38:56of mall
00:38:56people who
00:38:57have never
00:38:58seen daylight,
00:38:59born,
00:39:00bred,
00:39:00and raised
00:39:01in the
00:39:01malls,
00:39:02and sent
00:39:03out to
00:39:03the
00:39:03wafting
00:39:04tunes of
00:39:04Debbie
00:39:05Gibson
00:39:05to become
00:39:06happy
00:39:08consumers.
00:39:08Maybe it's
00:39:12me.
00:39:12I'm going
00:39:13to leave
00:39:13it up to
00:39:13you.
00:39:13I'm going
00:39:14to let
00:39:14you decide
00:39:14all of
00:39:15this,
00:39:15sir.
00:39:15You look
00:39:15like a
00:39:16reasonable
00:39:16gentleman.
00:39:18But I
00:39:19remember a
00:39:20time when
00:39:20music had
00:39:21soul,
00:39:21and music
00:39:22had conscience,
00:39:23and music
00:39:23had balls.
00:39:25Do you
00:39:25recall that
00:39:26at all,
00:39:26or am I
00:39:26romanticizing
00:39:27the past?
00:39:28Excuse me?
00:39:29For the
00:39:30whole people
00:39:30here.
00:39:30Yes,
00:39:31he does.
00:39:33Jimi
00:39:34Hendrix?
00:39:36Any
00:39:37question about
00:39:37that guy?
00:39:38Stand by
00:39:39the
00:39:40mountain,
00:39:40chop it
00:39:41down with
00:39:41the edge
00:39:41of my
00:39:42hay.
00:39:54This guy
00:39:55had a
00:39:56dick.
00:39:58Like an
00:39:59anaconda
00:40:00head,
00:40:01swinging in
00:40:02the wind.
00:40:04Don't
00:40:05ever want
00:40:05to make
00:40:06you cry,
00:40:07never want
00:40:07to break
00:40:08you.
00:40:09Diet Coke,
00:40:10come on.
00:40:12We're the
00:40:12new rock
00:40:12stars.
00:40:13We're the
00:40:13ones that
00:40:13drink Diet
00:40:14Coke and
00:40:14shop in
00:40:15your malls.
00:40:18Make me
00:40:18fucking sick.
00:40:21I would
00:40:21love to have
00:40:22seen the
00:40:22Jimi Hendrix
00:40:23Debbie Gibson
00:40:23album.
00:40:25I bet he
00:40:26could shake
00:40:26her love
00:40:27right in
00:40:27half.
00:40:28fuck it.
00:40:29Fuck it.
00:40:32Fuck it.
00:40:32Mommy!
00:40:35Fuck it,
00:40:38baby.
00:40:38Mommy!
00:40:47Voodoo child,
00:40:48baby.
00:40:50Mommy, I'm going to go back to the mall.
00:40:53I suck, I suck.
00:40:54Just get that guy with the big dick away.
00:41:00Just cut her in two with a dick like a buzzer.
00:41:03No, no, no, no.
00:41:10Cut her in a little mall cordwood, man.
00:41:14Save a pair of bloody panties for a Rick Ashley to slip on.
00:41:17Boom.
00:41:19She's dead, he's a woman, Jimmy's still jamming.
00:41:22I'm a dreamer.
00:41:27I am available for children's parties, by the way.
00:41:32Those of you who have a young'un coming of age don't want to go the traditional clown
00:41:36balloon animal route this year.
00:41:39Yeah, we got your clown, Tommy.
00:41:41Bell's a bozo.
00:41:41Bell's a bozo.
00:41:41Jimmy Hendrix.
00:41:50That was a casualty, so there you come, full circle.
00:41:53Jimmy Hendrix died in a pool of his own vomit.
00:41:57Boom.
00:41:58You know how much you have to puke to fill up a pool?
00:42:02Poo!
00:42:03No diving yet.
00:42:05Poo!
00:42:07Okay, Keith Moon, cannonball.
00:42:08Jim Morrison on the high dive.
00:42:14Janice Shufflin in the wainty pool.
00:42:18There have been casualties.
00:42:23Some of them.
00:42:25John Bonham.
00:42:26Yeah, it's John Bonham for search.
00:42:29I threw up blood in me sleep last night.
00:42:32And I got a date with two 13-year-old twins.
00:42:34They hate the smell of blood on them, and I suck sex.
00:42:42Diet Coke.
00:42:44Woo!
00:42:44We're the new rock stars.
00:42:45Come on, Diet Coke, get to do a drink.
00:42:48Boy, I tell you, if money had a dick, George Michaels would be a flaming faggot.
00:42:53Oh, Diet Coke?
00:42:54Oh, yeah.
00:42:56I love Diet Coke.
00:42:57Uh-huh.
00:42:58Oh.
00:42:59Oh, God.
00:43:01I drink it every day.
00:43:02Uh-huh.
00:43:03It's good.
00:43:04Oh, yeah.
00:43:04Oh, one calorie.
00:43:06Oh, okay.
00:43:06Is my check signed yet?
00:43:07Oh, God.
00:43:13It's making me fucking sick.
00:43:16There have been casualties.
00:43:20And now, the end is near.
00:43:24And I face, thank you, honey, the final curtain.
00:43:32There you go, honey.
00:43:34Regrets.
00:43:35I ain't had a view, but two of you.
00:43:41Here you go, honey.
00:43:42A little tearful.
00:43:42To really mention.
00:43:47And now, these days are in the end.
00:43:52And I face, take it home with you, honey.
00:43:55Each every height.
00:44:00But more.
00:44:02Here you go, boy.
00:44:03Much more than this.
00:44:06I did it my way.
00:44:12What is a man who's got it all?
00:44:18Here you go, honey.
00:44:18Hope it's big enough.
00:44:19All that you are.
00:44:22Oh, yeah.
00:44:26You're a beautiful audience.
00:44:27Brand new Cadillac.
00:44:29Brand new Cadillac, honey.
00:44:32You're welcome.
00:44:34Brand new Cadillac.
00:44:36You're a beautiful audience.
00:44:37Brand new Cadillac, honey.
00:44:41Brand new Cadillac, honey.
00:44:44Brand new Cadillac.
00:44:45It's your second one.
00:44:46You're going to need a toe chain.
00:44:49Brand new Cadillac, honey.
00:44:51Curse you to can.
00:44:52You're a beautiful audience.
00:44:53Brand new Cadillac, honey.
00:44:54Thank you. Everyone hearing that? Brand new Cadillac. Thank you.
00:45:04I think that's what killed Elvis, man. It wasn't drugs. He got that bill from General Motors.
00:45:12How many Cadillacs did I give away? Shit, I got a tour again. I can't even fit in my jumpsuit.
00:45:19I did it next way. Everyone was so shocked about Elvis being on dying of drugs. I was so sad, wasn't it?
00:45:32Why did it have to be Elvis? Why? No, he'll die.
00:45:37I can't find him. I can't find him. I can't find him.
00:45:45It could have been worse. He could have not been a heavy drug user and instead been a heavy
00:45:57smoker and still be alive today.
00:46:08I can't.
00:46:13I can't.
00:46:14And now, the end is near.
00:46:27And I think, oh, the final person, we must, you, why don't you?
00:46:38It could have been worse.
00:46:41Boy, dying was a good career move, man. He skyrocketed, wasn't it?
00:46:45What was he going to do? Get more unpopular if he'd live? Would that have been sad? A real poor
00:46:49Elvis touring with Steppenwolf and shit?
00:46:53Wouldn't that have been gross? Thank you. Brand new Chevette, honey. Thank you.
00:46:58Very beautiful audience. Brand new Hugo, honey. Thank you.
00:47:02Brand new Gremlin, baby. Love you. Courtesy of the king. Thank you.
00:47:05And brand new Big Wheel, honey. Just about out of cash. Brand new Tonka toy coming at ya.
00:47:13It could have been worse.
00:47:17I wish I was Elvis. I could be Elvis.
00:47:24Oh, shit.
00:47:35Here's my favorite job in the world, though.
00:47:43You see this guy by every freeway in Austin.
00:47:59Mr. Surveyor. Yeah, there he is. What the hell's he surveying all day?
00:48:10You know what he surveys all day long? That dick with the stick.
00:48:13Who is this doofus?
00:48:23Does he get a check?
00:48:26The guy that holds the stick, does he pick up some cash?
00:48:29How do you advertise for that job? Are you willing to stand by the freeway in the sun and be called
00:48:33asshole by air-conditioned oncoming cars?
00:48:36Well, sure, I could do that.
00:48:39What a dick.
00:48:41I'd make him go in front of traffic all day, man.
00:48:43Hey, cut it out.
00:49:00That's smart.
00:49:03Luckily, it was a Chevette.
00:49:05Shit, I think I killed him.
00:49:06Much more than this, I did it my way, and I...
00:49:15Sorry.
00:49:16I am a...
00:49:17You're a great crowd. I'm going to do a little longer than I'm supposed to do for you tonight.
00:49:24Because this is Austin, Texas.
00:49:29And I know for a fact there's nothing else going on.
00:49:34How much longer?
00:49:35How much longer?
00:49:37You got a date, buddy?
00:49:39You got to be at work?
00:49:40Elmer Dinkley!
00:49:42No, no, no!
00:49:43Yes!
00:49:44God, okay.
00:49:45I was in these real small town, watch, all right?
00:49:47Town was so small, but get this.
00:49:49You know in hotel rooms you got to dial 9 to get an outside line, right?
00:49:53Guess this.
00:49:55I dialed 9 and got the Elmer Dinkley residence.
00:49:59Hello? Who lives?
00:50:01Elmer Dinkley, you just called my house.
00:50:03Your phone number is 9?
00:50:05Well, shit, my cousin's is 23, I had to write down and down.
00:50:11Wrote it on my forehead, I keep calling 32.
00:50:14I said, how do you hold a phone without a thumb?
00:50:18I go to the Waffle House and get syrup on my hands.
00:50:20It stinks to everything.
00:50:20Get out of the Waffle House and get out of the Waffle House and get out of the Waffle House.
00:50:27Get out of the Waffle House and get out of the Waffle House and get out of the Waffle House.
00:50:33I love what I do.
00:50:42I love what I do.
00:50:45I have the greatest job in the world.
00:50:46What do you do, sir?
00:50:46An engineer.
00:50:48Any particular train?
00:50:49Okay, thank you.
00:50:50You have to do the engineer.
00:50:53Any particular train?
00:50:54What do you do?
00:50:56Human resources.
00:51:01You maul, mind, mauls?
00:51:04What do you mind mauls?
00:51:05What do you do?
00:51:05What is that example?
00:51:06Computer Corporation, thank you.
00:51:10Sorry, sorry.
00:51:11We're about to get into demographics and marketing.
00:51:15Bill, we'd like to have you on our TV show, but our demographics show that our people that
00:51:18watch our show are really stupid and sensitive, and they can't really deal with somebody who's
00:51:23saying something that's beyond the mall perception of the world.
00:51:26Bill, we think you're really funny and creative, but our marketing shows that our audience is
00:51:31targeted towards people who watch George Michael and then go actually buy Diet Cokes because
00:51:35that little fairy princess is eating and drinking it.
00:51:38So, Bill, you wouldn't really fit in in the scheme of the world as we see it.
00:51:48All right, let's see.
00:51:49There's a raw oyster, man.
00:51:52One of them half-shell deals.
00:51:55Dude, I like the sunglasses in the nightclub.
00:51:57That's a neat touch.
00:51:58Mr. Cool Guy with the bloody shims over there.
00:52:00Nah, nah, nah.
00:52:03Shit, I didn't see that fucking chair.
00:52:05Damn, my glasses make me look cool.
00:52:09Oh, Jesus.
00:52:10But I look cool, right?
00:52:11All right, I'm bleeding from several different bones here.
00:52:14But no, I got my sunglasses in the nightclub, so God knows I'm the coolest dude on earth.
00:52:18Oh, I'm cool.
00:52:30Oh, shit!
00:52:31I took my fucking sunglasses off.
00:52:33It's nighttime.
00:52:34I gotta be cool.
00:52:35I gotta be cool.
00:52:37I gotta compensate for that fucking penny shirt, goddammit.
00:52:40Get a shot of that fucking shirt!
00:52:46I'm gonna leave you here with a brand new pacer, dude.
00:52:49Thank you, dude.
00:52:51You're gonna be a little audience.
00:52:54I won't play geeky anymore.
00:52:57What are you doing?
00:52:58It's garbage man.
00:52:59It's garbage man!
00:53:00What a great job, bro.
00:53:01Call it preventive medicine.
00:53:06See, I can't work, y'all.
00:53:07I can't work is why?
00:53:08Boxes.
00:53:11Aren't they something?
00:53:11Boxes.
00:53:12They're like gnats on a camping trip, aren't they?
00:53:23Get the fuck out of my face.
00:53:26It's just a job.
00:53:27It doesn't mean a thing, all right, dude?
00:53:29I smoked a joint this morning.
00:53:31You're lucky I showed, bud.
00:53:33My bed was like a womb.
00:53:42When they say childbirth is hard on a woman, I think it's harder on the kid, man.
00:53:47You just don't get to hear their side until they're 13.
00:53:50Then they're just pissed.
00:53:51They forgot why.
00:53:53Think about childbirth.
00:53:54Your first nine months of life, rent-free, free food, constantly asleep.
00:53:58That's gonna fucking last.
00:54:07Suddenly you're pushed into the light.
00:54:12Get a job.
00:54:22Pretty fucking traumatic.
00:54:26But I'm over it.
00:54:29Because I don't have to get a job.
00:54:31Bosses.
00:54:31You know what I always used to get from my boss?
00:54:33Hicks, how come you're not working?
00:54:35I go, there's nothing to do.
00:54:36He goes, well, you pretend like you're working, son.
00:54:39And I go, why don't you pretend I'm working?
00:54:42You get paid more than me.
00:54:47You fantasize.
00:54:50Shit, pretend I'm mopping.
00:54:53I'll pretend they're buying shit.
00:54:55We can close up.
00:54:55Hey, I'm the boss, now you're fired.
00:54:58How's that for a fantasy, sir?
00:55:01I'm on a roll.
00:55:02Pretend to work.
00:55:09First of all, the very idea that anybody could be my boss.
00:55:12Well, you see the conflict.
00:55:15What do you do?
00:55:23What do you do?
00:55:26What do you sell?
00:55:28Computers.
00:55:28Oh, Jesus.
00:55:33I used to sell ladies shoes.
00:55:35That was a great job.
00:55:36You know why?
00:55:36Women came in wearing dresses to try out shoes.
00:55:39And I'm like, I'm helping them on with their shoes.
00:55:40I don't know if you ladies do that on purpose, but thanks.
00:55:49I mean, all day long, man.
00:55:50They're sitting there in skirts going, oh.
00:55:56How's that look?
00:55:57That looks great.
00:56:05Yeah, it's you.
00:56:07That's definitely you.
00:56:09Oh, it's kind of tight.
00:56:20I can stretch it out for you.
00:56:27So when I was fired from that job, I actually had to use the shoe horn.
00:56:41All right.
00:56:41I'm like a seahorse, relax.
00:56:49Anybody here travel because of their job?
00:56:51Uh-huh.
00:56:53Oh, yeah.
00:56:54Where are you?
00:56:54Right here.
00:56:57I don't know if people pay you to leave their fucking city, is that it?
00:57:04Some kind of schizophrenic, ventriloquist bitch you are.
00:57:08Oh, yeah.
00:57:09Over here.
00:57:09Now I'm over here.
00:57:18One thing I hate about my job, I like it.
00:57:19I travel.
00:57:19Anybody here travel on a regular basis?
00:57:22Elmer Dinkley back here, great.
00:57:25What do you do?
00:57:27It's Friday.
00:57:29It's Friday.
00:57:29We forgot.
00:57:30Until Monday.
00:57:30What?
00:57:31Sales representative.
00:57:32Sales representative.
00:57:35No idea what that is.
00:57:36I'm so...
00:57:36Oh, yeah.
00:57:37I'm an amusement engineer.
00:57:38Okay?
00:57:38Fuck this noise.
00:57:39What are these fucking careers?
00:57:42I'm a rep of the marketing demographic scratch.
00:57:44I'm the marketing of the revenue.
00:57:47I foreclose on people, all right?
00:57:49Get out of my face.
00:57:51I'm a rep who belongs in the marketing.
00:57:53He says, you know, the deal, whatever.
00:57:55Yeah, I'm having a very shot.
00:57:56I like this guy.
00:57:57I'm a garbage man.
00:57:57Simple and to the point.
00:58:05So you travel a lot.
00:58:07Do you stay in hotels?
00:58:09Can you help me with something?
00:58:10Yes.
00:58:10Does do not disturb mean not immediately in Spanish?
00:58:17Or what the fuck is the problem here?
00:58:19Do not disturb.
00:58:23Fairly clear.
00:58:25Then again, I'm a reader.
00:58:30Put that sign on your door within five minutes or there.
00:58:33Housekeeping.
00:58:36That's not too disturbing, is it?
00:58:39Do you need fresh towels?
00:58:42Yeah, I'm gonna need to wipe up your blood.
00:58:45If you keep knocking on that fucking door.
00:58:52That usually gets rid of them for a couple of minutes.
00:58:57They'll even walk in with a passkey.
00:58:59Have you ever had that?
00:59:00Your room?
00:59:00You're in it.
00:59:02Do not disturb on the fucking door.
00:59:04Housekeeping.
00:59:05Just stroll.
00:59:08You're sitting there going, hey, hey, hey!
00:59:15I'm here to change the sheets.
00:59:19Come back in five minutes.
00:59:23You're gonna be working overtime on this crusty pillowcase.
00:59:28I'm young, too.
00:59:29You better check the ceilings, honey.
00:59:34Now, I don't want to seem shallow, but she started it.
00:59:40That do not disturb.
00:59:41It didn't say come in and catch me jacking off.
00:59:43If it had said that, she would have never shoved.
00:59:45You know.
00:59:45Come on.
00:59:46I don't think everything about living.
00:59:51Like there's anything to jack off to in a hotel room.
00:59:53You ever been to hotel rooms lately, anybody?
00:59:55They don't have cable anymore.
00:59:56They got SpectreVision.
00:59:57You know what that is?
00:59:58When you buy the movies?
01:00:03Go back, go back.
01:00:04Hotels?
01:00:08You aren't in some bus from Tennessee, are you here?
01:00:10I don't know.
01:00:17You buy the movies?
01:00:18Great.
01:00:19They got movies on there.
01:00:20It says right there in the movie card, adult feature.
01:00:22It's on After Midnight, called 635, adult feature.
01:00:25Movies called Sex Kittens, adult feature.
01:00:29On After Midnight, 635.
01:00:32Well, guess what?
01:00:32I'm an adult.
01:00:33I got 635, and I'm up after fucking 12.
01:00:38Let's see it.
01:00:39Have you ever seen one of these?
01:00:41It's a pornographic movie, but the pornography is cut out of it.
01:00:48There's a frustrating hour.
01:00:52I don't think the plot and dialogue alone are enough to carry these films, y'all.
01:00:57I think they should leave them fucking scenes in.
01:00:59They got all these weird cuts where you don't see the woman at all, but what do they leave in?
01:01:04Oh, the guy's hairy ass.
01:01:06Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
01:01:08Wow, wow, wow, wow.
01:01:10Ding, ding, ding, ding.
01:01:11Ding, ding, ding.
01:01:12Wow, wow, wow.
01:01:13Ding, ding, ding, ding.
01:01:14Ding, ding, ding.
01:01:15Wow, wow, wow.
01:01:17Housekeeping.
01:01:20Go away!
01:01:23I'm looking at a guy's hairy ass.
01:01:24Wow, wow, wow.
01:01:27Where are the sex kittens?
01:01:30Two guys make these movies.
01:01:32One guy films his own ass.
01:01:33The other guy has a wah-wah pedal that comes up with titles.
01:01:36These guys are making a fortune.
01:01:40Let's call this one Stewardess is in Heat.
01:01:42Good title, Timmy.
01:01:43Feel my butt.
01:01:46Let's call this one Waitress Daisy Jane.
01:01:48I love it.
01:01:51Let's call this one Bitch Cheerleader.
01:01:52Great, get a close-up.
01:01:54Where are the fucking girls?
01:01:57That's not an adult feature.
01:01:58It's a guy's hairy, bobbing ass.
01:02:01It's for psychotics.
01:02:04It's not an adult feature unless at the end someone's gooey.
01:02:10Arcing ropes of jism hitting chins.
01:02:13That's an adult feature.
01:02:15Women licking up semen like kittens under a cow udder.
01:02:19That is an adult feature.
01:02:24No, no, no.
01:02:25We're going to have a hairy ass.
01:02:28Shit, I've got to look at my own ass in the mirror.
01:02:29What the fuck is this?
01:02:31I paid six bucks to see a guy's ass?
01:02:33Boy, I don't even want to pay this bill.
01:02:35I'm jumping out the fucking window.
01:02:37Here you got licked at the ass.
01:02:39Hey, hey, hey.
01:02:39It said sex kittens.
01:02:41Not hairy man.
01:02:42If it said hairy man ass,
01:02:43I would have never bought the fucking thing.
01:02:44I swear to you.
01:02:46I'm not like that.
01:02:49Bob and hairy man ass,
01:02:51No, thank you.
01:02:51I'll watch fucking Terminator again.
01:02:53I'll watch Predator.
01:02:58I mean, is it me?
01:03:01Am I like an open nerve to you people?
01:03:03What the fuck?
01:03:03I'm not.
01:03:05I don't even want to open that Pandora's box.
01:03:12Psycho bitch, man.
01:03:14She's just waiting.
01:03:14Jesus, is there a beast in the house?
01:03:36But get this.
01:03:37The other day,
01:03:38my friend had this hardcore pornographic magazine, right?
01:03:40Okay.
01:03:41It was me.
01:03:42But the funny thing about these magazines,
01:03:46how pompous the pornography industry is, right?
01:03:48They're so pompous.
01:03:50The beginning of the magazine has a disclaimer
01:03:51that says none of our models,
01:03:53all of our models,
01:03:54are 17 years and older.
01:03:57These are models.
01:03:59Yeah, tell me something.
01:04:00How is semen being worn this year?
01:04:03Is it being worn back,
01:04:04or in bangs,
01:04:05or off the chin?
01:04:07These are models.
01:04:10Yeah, here's Dusty modeling
01:04:11a 14-inch cock in her ass.
01:04:14Come on down, Dusty,
01:04:15and show us how cocks are going to be worn this year, honey.
01:04:18This is big in Europe.
01:04:21And here's Dallas with a penis ensemble.
01:04:23These are models,
01:04:30and I'm an amusement engineer.
01:04:36I don't know.
01:04:37AIDS, man.
01:04:37You've got to get porno movies pre-AIDS
01:04:39to get them really nasty,
01:04:40because with AIDS,
01:04:41they'll have their fingers crossed and shit,
01:04:43you know?
01:04:47Come on to bed.
01:04:48Come on to bed.
01:04:49Come on to bed.
01:04:50Come on.
01:04:51Pre-AIDS.
01:04:52Do I seem shallow to y'all?
01:04:58I don't get it.
01:04:59Y'all are staring at me like a dog
01:05:01that's just been shown a card trick.
01:05:05You know,
01:05:06I don't ever recall hearing a joke
01:05:07with the word jism in it before.
01:05:10This is a definite first, honey.
01:05:12Thought I'd take my girl out
01:05:13and see a nice little comedy show
01:05:15about McNuggets and shit,
01:05:16but I'm jism.
01:05:17What is this shit?
01:05:18Knock, knock.
01:05:19Who's there?
01:05:19Kiss him.
01:05:21It's Pelzobozo.
01:05:26AIDS, man.
01:05:27I swear, that's...
01:05:28What other generation
01:05:29had anything comparable to AIDS?
01:05:31You know what I mean?
01:05:32The 50s?
01:05:33Rugburn.
01:05:37Well, I don't know how much AIDS scares y'all,
01:05:39but I got a theory.
01:05:40The day they come out
01:05:41with a cure for AIDS,
01:05:42guaranteed one shot,
01:05:43no problem, cure.
01:05:44On that day,
01:05:45there's going to be
01:05:46fucking in the streets, man.
01:05:48It's over!
01:05:51Who are you?
01:05:52Come in!
01:05:54No, it's over.
01:05:55Yeah.
01:05:57I'm going to fuck your head off, baby.
01:05:59God damn.
01:06:00That's what's going to happen,
01:06:01God damn.
01:06:02I'm going to fuck your head right off.
01:06:04As soon as it curates, baby.
01:06:06You better start running,
01:06:07God damn it.
01:06:08It could happen on the lawn.
01:06:10Then we're going to have
01:06:13that big rubber bonfire out back.
01:06:16There's got to be news cameras
01:06:17on every corner.
01:06:17They're fucking everywhere!
01:06:19This is Dan Rather,
01:06:21and you're not going to believe
01:06:22this shit, y'all.
01:06:23It is a world orgy.
01:06:24They cured AIDS,
01:06:25and everybody's fucking!
01:06:27Look at them!
01:06:28Of course, all they're going to show
01:06:29on the news is...
01:06:30Because apparently,
01:06:37a man's hairy bobbing ass
01:06:39is adult entertainment
01:06:41in our world.
01:06:45I don't know who started it.
01:06:48You're a great crowd.
01:06:49I can either get off now
01:06:50or do...
01:06:51Mom and Dad.
01:06:53No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:06:54That's right.
01:06:55No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:06:56I'd rather do Elmer Dinkley
01:06:58for two hour straights.
01:07:01No.
01:07:03No, no.
01:07:03I've got material planned.
01:07:05I didn't say I'd take
01:07:06a fucking request.
01:07:08Okay?
01:07:09I said if you wanted
01:07:10to hear it, I'd stay.
01:07:11This is fucking...
01:07:12I'm not a jukebox.
01:07:14Shut up a corner
01:07:15up his ass.
01:07:15Tell him to do
01:07:16Elmer Dinkley again.
01:07:18Ow!
01:07:19I'm in this small town,
01:07:20and it's a small,
01:07:21and I called up
01:07:22Elmer Dinkley's ass.
01:07:23Hey, we're supposed to get
01:07:25two plays on a quarter.
01:07:30What the fuck
01:07:31am I talking about?
01:07:35This world, man,
01:07:36before I go,
01:07:37I've got to tell you
01:07:37about the world
01:07:38that I see.
01:07:39And it's sad sometimes.
01:07:40You ever realize
01:07:40that we live in a world
01:07:41where good men are murdered
01:07:42and mediocre hacks thrive?
01:07:44You ever notice that?
01:07:45John Kennedy murdered.
01:07:46Gandhi murdered.
01:07:49Martin Luther King
01:07:50murdered.
01:07:51Jesus
01:07:52murdered.
01:07:54Reagan
01:07:55wounded.
01:08:01Cancer eight times.
01:08:02Now that fucker
01:08:03still walks, doesn't it?
01:08:04That guy is Jason, man.
01:08:11You can take off
01:08:12that hockey mask
01:08:13just once.
01:08:13You're going to find,
01:08:14well, I'm back.
01:08:19People love him.
01:08:20Love him.
01:08:21Every fact points
01:08:22that he's a liar,
01:08:24corporate puppet,
01:08:25devil, cock,
01:08:26suck, and fascist.
01:08:27Every fact points to that.
01:08:30Not one fact
01:08:32to the opposite.
01:08:33But what happens?
01:08:34We love you, Ronnie.
01:08:36Four more years.
01:08:38Four more years.
01:08:39Let's put him
01:08:39on Mount Rushmore.
01:08:40Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:08:42Let's put him
01:08:43under Mount Rushmore.
01:08:47They love him.
01:08:48How far up your ass
01:08:51does this guy's dick
01:08:52have to be
01:08:53before you realize
01:08:55he's fucking you, man?
01:08:57People are just,
01:08:58I like him.
01:08:59I don't know what it is.
01:09:01He looks good on TV.
01:09:04He brought back
01:09:05patriotism.
01:09:06God damn it,
01:09:06he's a good American.
01:09:08Told it,
01:09:08something's slapping my ass.
01:09:10Oh my God,
01:09:11he's fucking us!
01:09:14Well, Nancy and I
01:09:15feel that.
01:09:17Man, you might know
01:09:18it's John Wayne
01:09:19once told me that.
01:09:21Man, you might remember
01:09:22it's Jimmy Stewart.
01:09:22Well, shut the fuck up.
01:09:24You answer a question
01:09:26like a man,
01:09:26you fucking lion,
01:09:27bee-actor,
01:09:28dickweed,
01:09:29Mr. President, sir.
01:09:30Come out with your respect.
01:09:33Now we got his little
01:09:34incubus underling,
01:09:35Georgie Bush,
01:09:36in there.
01:09:36Boy, when they said
01:09:37anybody in America
01:09:38could grow up
01:09:39to be president,
01:09:39I didn't know
01:09:40what the fuck that meant
01:09:41until this year.
01:09:44Anybody.
01:09:45A body of water.
01:09:49A dead body.
01:09:50Who does Shell
01:09:52want in there?
01:09:54Who does Diet Coke
01:09:55want as president?
01:09:55That's what it is.
01:09:57Fuck.
01:09:58And Danny Quayle.
01:09:59You don't see much
01:09:59of Danny Quayle,
01:10:00do you, boy?
01:10:01They got that little
01:10:02poot liquor under wraps.
01:10:04There's been more
01:10:04sightings of Elvis.
01:10:10Man, they got that
01:10:11little Nazi in a hamper
01:10:12somewhere.
01:10:13You won, Dan,
01:10:14now stay in the
01:10:14fucking box.
01:10:16I want to come out
01:10:17and buy missiles.
01:10:19Stay in the
01:10:20box.
01:10:21We're stretching
01:10:22public belief factor
01:10:23real thin with you,
01:10:24dude.
01:10:25But hey,
01:10:25Three's Company
01:10:26was on the air
01:10:26ten years.
01:10:27We'll make it work.
01:10:32They will make it work
01:10:33too.
01:10:33You're already reacting
01:10:34like that, aren't you?
01:10:35You're already doing it.
01:10:35I can see it.
01:10:36You're already going,
01:10:38you know that
01:10:39Danny Quayle?
01:10:41God damn it,
01:10:42he's all right.
01:10:44So what if he's
01:10:45a military hawk
01:10:46who avoided service?
01:10:47You know,
01:10:48he looks just
01:10:49like Robert Redford.
01:10:52Remember that
01:10:52bullshit?
01:10:53Robert Redford
01:10:54lookalike.
01:10:55Yeah, well,
01:10:55Robert Redford
01:10:56doesn't look like
01:10:56a hairless
01:10:57pink ferret,
01:10:58so.
01:11:01Little fucking
01:11:01Nazi.
01:11:06I, uh,
01:11:07stick to this shit,
01:11:08man.
01:11:08It's going to be
01:11:08our emotions
01:11:09are running wild
01:11:10and our mind
01:11:10has stopped,
01:11:11man.
01:11:12The flag burning
01:11:13thing.
01:11:13Oh, God,
01:11:14did that bring up
01:11:15some fucking
01:11:15retarded emotions?
01:11:17The flag!
01:11:18The flag!
01:11:19They said we can
01:11:20burn the flag!
01:11:23They didn't say that.
01:11:24They said if a guy
01:11:24burns the flag,
01:11:25he perhaps doesn't
01:11:26need to go to jail
01:11:26for a fucking year.
01:11:29Pretty harsh
01:11:29on their part,
01:11:30isn't it?
01:11:31People are going,
01:11:32hey, buddy,
01:11:33let me tell you
01:11:34something.
01:11:39My daddy died
01:11:41for that flag.
01:11:42Really?
01:11:45I bought mine.
01:11:48You know,
01:11:49they sell them
01:11:49at Kmart and shit.
01:11:50Yeah,
01:11:50three bucks.
01:11:52He died in the
01:11:52Korean War
01:11:53for that flag.
01:11:54What a coincidence.
01:11:55Mine was made
01:11:55in Korea.
01:11:59Didn't die
01:12:00for a fucking flag.
01:12:01It's a piece of cloth.
01:12:02He died for what
01:12:02the flag represents,
01:12:03which is the freedom
01:12:04to burn
01:12:05the fucking flag.
01:12:08And as my friend
01:12:09Jimmy Pineapple
01:12:09would say,
01:12:10case,
01:12:11fucking
01:12:12closed.
01:12:15If you don't want
01:12:16to burn a flag,
01:12:17then I'd recommend
01:12:17you don't burn it.
01:12:21I love y'all
01:12:22and you feel that.
01:12:26Do we?
01:12:27I feel like we're
01:12:28being lectured
01:12:28by some kind
01:12:29of pale demon.
01:12:32Well,
01:12:32that too.
01:12:35How many of y'all
01:12:35think I could be
01:12:36the Antichrist
01:12:36at this point
01:12:37in the show?
01:12:39That's not enough.
01:12:41I'm not the Antichrist.
01:12:43It's two sixes
01:12:44and a nine,
01:12:45y'all.
01:12:45I'm bluffing.
01:12:48But I know
01:12:49who the Antichrist
01:12:50is.
01:12:52And yes,
01:12:52he's here on Earth.
01:12:54A lot of people
01:12:54thought Khomeini
01:12:55was a good choice.
01:12:57A lot of people
01:12:57thought Qaddafi,
01:12:59Nostradamus,
01:13:00the purple turban
01:13:00reference.
01:13:01I hope they
01:13:04fucking have
01:13:05any clue
01:13:05what that is.
01:13:07I don't even
01:13:07know what that is.
01:13:08I bought that
01:13:09segue.
01:13:12Dick Clark.
01:13:16Ludicrous
01:13:17isn't it?
01:13:17Dick Clark,
01:13:18the Antichrist.
01:13:19Now,
01:13:19wait a minute though.
01:13:20Hear me out.
01:13:21Who's been on TV
01:13:22as long as you can
01:13:23recall?
01:13:23Dick Clark.
01:13:24Who has not
01:13:25aged one fucking
01:13:26day?
01:13:27Dick Clark.
01:13:31Who brings us
01:13:32Tiffany?
01:13:33Well,
01:13:35Debbie Gibson.
01:13:37Rick Ashley.
01:13:41Dick Clark.
01:13:44Hmm.
01:13:46That is not
01:13:47Dick Clark,
01:13:48y'all.
01:13:48That is a Dick Clark
01:13:49rubber mask
01:13:50with a zipper
01:13:50in the back.
01:13:52And when he gets
01:13:52off that TV show
01:13:53year after year,
01:13:54week after week,
01:13:55bringing us these
01:13:55hack, mediocre
01:13:56piece of shit
01:13:57X,
01:13:57he walks into
01:13:58his office
01:13:58and he unzips
01:13:59that zipper
01:13:59and underneath,
01:14:00there's a cloven
01:14:01hood horn
01:14:02wolverine.
01:14:12There's a knock
01:14:13at the door.
01:14:15Housekeeping?
01:14:17Not this time,
01:14:18kids.
01:14:20The door opens
01:14:21and John Davidson
01:14:22walks in.
01:14:23John Davidson
01:14:29drops his pants
01:14:30in his bikini panties
01:14:31and leans
01:14:34his taut,
01:14:35taut,
01:14:35tan,
01:14:36little Hollywood
01:14:36ass
01:14:37over a desk.
01:14:42Anyone not know
01:14:43where this one's
01:14:43headed?
01:14:44The Wolverine
01:14:45puts on some mood
01:14:50music,
01:14:51lady,
01:14:55hear my knight
01:14:56in shining armor.
01:14:59Obligingly,
01:15:00Mr. Davidson
01:15:00parts his buttocks
01:15:01to reveal a pink
01:15:03jasmine-scented anus
01:15:04which pooches open
01:15:07in anticipation.
01:15:09And I love you.
01:15:12A butterfly flies out
01:15:14and circles
01:15:14the wolverine
01:15:15inside.
01:15:17Lady,
01:15:20the wolverine
01:15:21mounts him.
01:15:30Stop me
01:15:31if you've heard this.
01:15:37He explodes
01:15:38a cloud
01:15:39of silverfish
01:15:40followed by
01:15:43a black
01:15:43blood-gorge
01:15:44tick
01:15:44which crawls
01:15:45out of the
01:15:45scaly penis
01:15:46of the wolverine
01:15:47into the bowels
01:15:49of John Davidson.
01:15:52John Davidson
01:15:53is now pregnant
01:15:54with the children.
01:15:59Hey,
01:16:00if I'm not
01:16:01going to leave,
01:16:01y'all have to.
01:16:08I'm like a
01:16:09reverse maitre d'.
01:16:10Good night,
01:16:10folks.
01:16:11Street's right outside.
01:16:11John Davidson
01:16:14is now pregnant
01:16:15with the children
01:16:16of the Prince
01:16:17of Darkness.
01:16:18That's how it works.
01:16:20In the off-season,
01:16:21he becomes swollen
01:16:22and fat.
01:16:23So fat and swollen
01:16:25in fact
01:16:25that his dimples
01:16:26fill.
01:16:31Six months,
01:16:32six days,
01:16:33and six hours later,
01:16:34his bile breaks
01:16:36and he shits
01:16:38the brood.
01:16:38And he fat
01:16:41and he shit
01:16:41the brood.
01:17:02Geraldo Rivera.
01:17:21Don't you see?
01:17:24You're a great crowd, and before I go, even though this is a world where good men are
01:17:34murdered, men who try and help are murdered and cut down in their prime of their youth
01:17:38and hacks and mediocrers and fascists, run everything else, I'm going to share with you
01:17:43a vision that I had, because I love you, and you feel it.
01:17:49You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense every year, trillions
01:17:53of dollars, correct?
01:17:55Instead, instead, let's play with this, if we spent that money feeding and clothing the
01:18:02poor of the world, and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded,
01:18:10we could as one race explore outer space together in peace forever.
01:18:23A comedy show, a panic and a sensible editor.
01:18:33In fact, my husband and I went to Bill Hicks' performance, Expecting Comedy.
01:18:40What we got was far from comedy.
01:18:43In two hours, we were, quote unquote, entertained by this comedian who delighted us in his opinion
01:18:52on how smoking is great and non-smokers are excellent.
01:18:57Drinking and drugs and lots of fun and all fine and dandy.
01:19:04The audience was flipped off by this comedian.
01:19:08This is comedy?
01:19:10Then it got worse.
01:19:12We were giving one comedian his enactment of two young girls performing oral sex on each
01:19:19of them.
01:19:20We were shown how former President Reagan screwed us.
01:19:25Another vulgar sex imitation.
01:19:27We were shown how a rock star should rape a young girl and how it would hurt her so badly
01:19:33she would yell for her mama.
01:19:40This is comedy?
01:19:43Look, the comedian told us how he doesn't like porno unless they show.
01:19:52No, I don't even think the newspaper could print that one.
01:19:56Toward the end of the show, the comedian stated he wanted us to think he was the Antichrist.
01:20:01My point is, we did not know comedy works dished out two hours of vulgarity.
01:20:06The language alone was enough to make one ill.
01:20:09I would like to inform anyone thinking of going to Bill Hicks' performance.
01:20:13It is anything but comedy.
01:20:31I do not know comedy works.
01:20:32I would like to hear from everyone who is the actor who is telling you about to act.
01:20:36As a comedian, it usually is a plus-crazy movie, right?
01:20:41I think peep is my voice.
01:20:43It is extremely important.
01:20:44It is a big story.
01:20:45It is a little bit difficult.
01:20:46I think I have to hear from the actor.
01:20:48I think it is a big story.
01:20:49I think I want to really enjoy the actor who is telling you.
01:20:50I think it is ridiculous.
01:20:51I thought it is really a joke.
01:20:53It is about comedy.
01:20:54I think it is a little biticar.
01:20:55It is a time to take a look.
01:20:56I'm afraid of him.