Letterkenny Season 4 Episode 3 Way to a Man's Heart
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00:01You finished up chorin' the other day.
00:04Fuckin'
00:07Great day for hay.
00:09Don't know the worst part about doin' hay?
00:12Is all the dust and debris what gets up your beak.
00:18Well, that's definitely in the top three worst parts of doin' hay, yeah.
00:21Fuck's sake, Stan, clean it up.
00:23That's what I was just doin', Miss Caties.
00:25Don't blow your nose on your sleeve.
00:27Well, how hard do you actually work if you've never blown your nose on your shirt?
00:30Why are you taking your boots off, Derry?
00:32Is this a degen convention or what's the scoop?
00:35Well, how hard do you actually work if you don't kick your boots off the second you're through?
00:39Keep those flippers away from me.
00:41What?
00:42Don't wanna let my feet marinate in my sweaty boots.
00:44Yeah, I suggest you don't wanna let that one marinate.
00:47See, you might get toenail fungus.
00:49On account of it's so moist in there.
00:51That'll be the last time I hear that word coming out of your mouth.
00:53What? Fungus?
00:55No.
00:56No.
00:57Oh.
00:58Moist.
00:59Don't tell that to the good folks in Moist-Graw Saskatchewan.
01:03Or the good folks in Mira Moisty New Brunswick where they love shuckin' moistures.
01:07Don't forget about Moist-Fist Tennessees.
01:09The Moist-Sissippies are great rivers.
01:11You ever been to Moist-Graw?
01:12No, but I've been to the Rocky Moiston range in the United States of a Moistica.
01:16I will fight you.
01:17What do you got against Moistro Fresh West?
01:19Moist-F.
01:20Modest Moist.
01:21The Moisty Moisty Boston.
01:23Paul Moist-Cartney.
01:24That fucker wrote yesterday, Katie.
01:26Gucci Moist.
01:27Meek Moist.
01:28Moist-Siris.
01:29The Moist-Fits.
01:30Dead Moist.
01:31Moist-Fallicas.
01:32Moisters are puppets.
01:33I will fuckin' fight you.
01:35Guy shot a fuckin' Jaeger Moisture.
01:37Or a Captain Moist-Gans and Coke.
01:39You should get her a Moist-Energy Drink and then we should all go race Moist across.
01:43Race some Moisture trucks.
01:44What's the problem?
01:53Oh, Jesus.
01:56Watch the smokes.
01:58There you go.
01:59Now you're moist.
02:01This display courtesy of the three Moist-Cartiers.
02:05Bucket dart.
02:06What are yous doin'?
02:07What are yous doin'?
02:08What are yous doin'?
02:09I asked you first.
02:10Not drinking at 11am.
02:11How's that for an answer, you fuckin' degen?
02:13Bitch.
02:14That's Queen, Bitch, Ugly.
02:14Who comes to the bar in there barn clothes you fuckin' ogre?
02:34Fucking D-Gen.
02:35Bitch.
02:36That's queen, bitch, ugly.
02:39Who comes to the bar in their barn clothes, you fucking ogre?
02:42Yeah, tell Shrek we said hello.
02:44And try not to fuck his donkey.
02:46Cannibal's a compliment for you.
02:48Keep walking, Critter.
02:50Tough talk.
02:51She can back it up, too.
02:53Try it.
02:56You're selling cigarettes to kids?
02:58Can I help you?
03:00I have a feeling you're the ones who are going to need help.
03:02Move along, skank.
03:04You're not from around here, are you?
03:06You're deaf.
03:07Take a walk.
03:14Use her in deep shit.
03:24I'll give you a different kind of clap-on, boys.
03:26Four pink pills and she's gone now, I promise.
03:29That's set up in Gretz's office, boys.
03:31Work my quiet zone, you want that?
03:33Remember the Louisville rubber shaft?
03:35I have a Daxyville rubber shaft.
03:36Let's have a Ronnie Brook.
03:38Short side, far side, blind side.
03:40Give me your best shot.
03:41Five holes wide open, boys.
03:43Take it.
03:44Take it!
03:44I can stick handle inside a phone booth, boys.
03:47Let's see your handles.
03:48Sure.
03:49I'm a late-round performer, boys.
03:51Let's go seven.
03:55I have to say, boys, that is some of the finest terpene that I've ever received.
04:00Ever?
04:00And your shrines, too.
04:02Your temples.
04:03By God.
04:04First team All-Stars.
04:05Sick tap to the temples, boys.
04:07Two days written all over you.
04:09But people aren't supposed to enjoy being cackled.
04:11Yeah.
04:12Supposed to not enjoy being cackled.
04:16Yeah.
04:16Okay.
04:17Fuck, buddy.
04:17If anybody knows how hot we are, you're looking at them.
04:20There's a lineup around the block for this pop-up shop.
04:22Yeah.
04:23Nobody's kicking this kid out of bed for eating crackers, that's for sure.
04:27I've yet to see one customer not come back for seconds at that buffet.
04:30Yeah.
04:30I bet you thought everybody skips the continental breakfast.
04:34Guess what?
04:35They don't.
04:36Take this ride, and you're getting right back in line, boys.
04:39Truth is, you're not really our type, boys.
04:41Bull fucking shit.
04:43Think we don't see you rocking semis?
04:45We're gay guys at the gym.
04:46We're always rocking semis.
04:47It's true, though.
04:48You're not our type.
04:49What is your type, then, you fucking liar?
04:51Otters.
04:52Like the eerie otters?
04:54Like the Cal State Monterey Bay otters?
04:57No, otters are what we call skinny, hairy dudes.
04:59Points are creativity boys.
05:01Love the hustle boys.
05:02So, like, what are we supposed to call you, then?
05:05Our gay buddies from the gym?
05:06We took gay in the expansion draft from you about 100 years back.
05:10Butch?
05:10Shout out to our sisters in the women's league.
05:12Fruit?
05:13Fruit had a cup of coffee in the show a few decades back,
05:15but never really produced for either of us.
05:17Bear?
05:18You guys released Bear a while back for underperforming,
05:21and we got her at a friendly price.
05:22Been a real stud for us ever since.
05:25Cub?
05:25Cub's been consistent since we put her on a line with Bear.
05:28Poofta?
05:28Still playing overseas.
05:30Likely gonna retire there.
05:31Nelly?
05:32Only your grandpa remembers that alumni.
05:34Homo?
05:34Homo may be in your ring of honor,
05:36but never forget the body checks our goons threw down to end that career.
05:40Queen?
05:40Produced the best arena music of all time.
05:43But still, it's only for some.
05:46I'm not fucking saying it.
05:48Fag?
05:49Not sure that's PC, but you said it.
05:52Fag got cut in the 80s, and it may have cleared waivers,
05:55but we all made a gentleman's agreement not to sign her
05:58because of behavior detrimental to the league.
06:02Call me Dax.
06:03Call me Ron.
06:04Fuck.
06:04Must be buddies, Daxie.
06:06Must be Buzz, Ronzie.
06:07Really?
06:08Yeah, fuck.
06:09You guys slam crushed butts.
06:10We slam crushed box, and the world keeps sauntering, boys.
06:14Well, fuck.
06:14Come over here and lay some skin on me, Daxie.
06:16Lay some skin on me, Ronzie.
06:17Listen to me, buddy.
06:18First time.
06:23Yeah, no time.
06:25Jonesy and I usually just fist each other, like, just like that.
06:29Yeah, no, it's different.
06:30You're supposed to be like this.
06:33Oh, okay.
06:35I guess we better go talk to Kitty Cat, buddy.
06:37Yeah, I'm going to break it to Kitty Cat, buddy.
06:39Oh, wait.
06:41You seriously don't want to bang us, you fucking liars?
06:44Come crash my crease, showstopper.
06:46Two minutes for roughing.
06:47Give me ten.
06:48I'll get rougher.
06:49Fuck the blue line.
06:50Nothing's offside over here.
06:51Try it.
06:51I'll bulge your twine.
06:53Just try and stop me.
06:54You're going to love it.
06:55Sauce me a stretch pass, I'll sauce you a stretch ass.
06:57Let's bury a howitzer voice.
06:59Send a howie, I'll get a stick on it.
07:01Let's go hip to hip.
07:07They're names are Shyla and Shania, the two newest strays on the res.
07:15They stole Axe and Slash from me, and I'm pretty sure they're banging them, because they're fucking banging everyone.
07:19Skanks.
07:20They're selling cigarettes to kids.
07:22Oh, well, kids are shitheads like resilient ones.
07:25They'd have found the darts one way or another, fuck.
07:27Excuse me, but I earned the right to sell smokes in Letterkenny, and I never sold to anyone under high school age.
07:33I fucking checked IDs.
07:34They called me a skank.
07:36Game on!
07:37I really miss Axe and Slash.
07:39I'm disappointed in them.
07:41They're like my buddies, you know?
07:43You're going to find them beating shit out of them?
07:45No, no, I was starting to wonder when the next scrap was coming.
07:48I was starting to think it was never going to come.
07:50I'm not so sure as beating the shit that Axe and Slash is going to make some comebacks to you, Tannis.
07:54No, no, they need their asses kicked.
07:57Fucking done.
07:58Every woman knows the way to a man's heart ain't through a zipper.
08:02Can confirm.
08:03It's through his stomach.
08:04Can confirm.
08:06And there is a big cookout on the rest today, and I am the cookout queen.
08:12Everyone comes my way, so if Axe and Slash don't come running, I'm a fucking chimp.
08:17What are you cooking?
08:18What are you cooking?
08:19Everything.
08:20Bison burgers, walleye nuggets, trout fillets.
08:24Venison steaks, bannock, fried bread, and my famous Indian taco.
08:30You're going to have to roll me out of there, Tannis.
08:32Yeah, they got forklifts on the rest there, Tannis?
08:34Well, and she's bought and paid for.
08:36We cruise on in there, eat like kings, beat the shit out of those dudes, snatch up Axe and Slash, and away we go.
08:44Don't say that word.
08:45What?
08:46Oh.
08:47Snatch.
08:47You're going to bring up all those rich meats, and now you don't want to talk about snatcherated fats?
08:52Would you never have a cabbage snatch kid growing up?
08:54Would you never have a snatch and sniff sticker when you were a kid?
08:56Everyone loves snatch and win bingo.
08:58Fuck off.
08:59What about that Robin Williams movie, Snatch Adams?
09:02That tugged good a few heartstrings.
09:04My favorite part of the Simpsons was the itchy and snatchy show.
09:07Would you never see Snatcheral Born Killers?
09:09Margaret Snatcher was the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
09:12I wonder if she ever met Benedict Cumber Snatch.
09:14She's from over there too, right?
09:15Who wrote that song, Snatch My Bitch Up?
09:17Definitely not Snatch Box 20, or Snatching Pumpkins.
09:20What's the problem?
09:21Shia Lynch and I have a bunch of guys with them, so you might want to call in a favor.
09:25I'll haul her one instead.
09:34Hey!
09:37Remember when we backed yous up on the res?
09:39Yeah, that time we didn't have the native flu.
09:41Payback time.
09:43Good, because we definitely didn't have the native flu.
09:46Naturally.
09:47Scooby Snatch, what's the problem?
09:48To the res, pink dicks.
09:55The hour is upon us, Bible Thumper.
10:00How would you know, heathen?
10:01You don't even wear a watch.
10:03What happened to he who cast the first stone?
10:06A broken window, likely, and hopefully no one seriously injured.
10:10Tell me, preacher, if your God found himself in a comparable turf war contingency, what would
10:19Jesus do?
10:20Jesus would advocate for empathy, acceptance, and grace.
10:27Jesus might advise you to take a whack at his way alive.
10:31Very well.
10:32But fuck it.
10:34We will sample his style for the day.
10:38Oh, under the condition that you sample ours.
10:43I don't know, Stuart.
10:45I'm hesitant.
10:46What happened to you for the spirit God gave us does not make us timid.
10:50Second Timothy 1.7.
10:53Oh, you are proving yourself exalted wrong.
10:58Hello?
11:02D'accord.
11:04Allozy!
11:05But first, our wardrobes crave alteration.
11:10You're just going to let this chicken sit on cover?
11:23Or?
11:24Put the grill up at 500.
11:25Do you want to turn that down a bit?
11:26Or?
11:27Montreal Steaks might develop that bison meat, so you're going to sprinkle some on there?
11:31So you want to put the fish and the veggies on at the same time there?
11:36You just want to stop questioning Auntie Tannis' cooking?
11:39Still, you're going to squirt a little marinade on there?
11:42I'm going to say that word.
11:43What, marinade?
11:44No.
11:44Oh.
11:46Squirt.
11:47Fuck Tannis, you love Wu-Tang Clan.
11:49No love for old squirty bastards?
11:51Squirt for gay!
11:52Katie, you love Odd Future.
11:54You got no love for Earl Sweat Squirt?
11:56What about Rush drummer Neil Squirt?
11:58Or Squirtin' Cummins of the Guess Who's?
12:00Squirtus Mayfield.
12:01Squirt Cobain?
12:01Too far!
12:03Rosie loves reading Squirt Vonnegut literature.
12:05Didn't you ever watch that show when you were a kid, Squirtin' Ernie?
12:08Katie was watching Squirty Dancing just yesterday.
12:11Okay, that's a lie.
12:12I was watching Squirty Dancing.
12:13It's a great movie.
12:14I think it's about time we revisit the Squirty Harry film series.
12:17Catherine Bigelow directed that movie, The Squirt Locker.
12:20We squirtin' here for God's about Jimmy Lee Squirtus.
12:22Fuck!
12:24Squirtin' here.
12:24I don't want to squirt the issue here, boys, but I'm a real sucker for pencil squirts.
12:29Meany squirts, boys.
12:31Fuck, Dennis, you got a half-thousand squirt steaks on the grill right now.
12:34It's a problem.
12:39Oh, really, though?
12:40Are you going to squirt a little marinade on there, or...?
12:43Fuck's sake.
12:44Allow me to begin my three-step tutorial.
12:48I'm preaching.
12:49So here's how you start.
12:51Step one.
12:52Yilt blasting.
12:54Take to the pulpit.
12:56Present yourself to the congregation.
12:59And you really just let them have it.
13:00Feel something like this.
13:03You're all guilty.
13:04You're all sinners.
13:05You're all guilty of sin.
13:06You're all guilty of not asking for forgiveness.
13:09Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know.
13:12Here we go.
13:12Skipping through life.
13:13Doop-de-doop-de-doop-de-do.
13:15Acting like he isn't even there.
13:16He doesn't even matter.
13:17Who cares about Jesus?
13:19Till something goes wrong.
13:21Till you're served lemons.
13:23And then suddenly it's, oh, Jesus, help me.
13:25I need you now.
13:25I can't remember how to make lemonade.
13:27I need your help, Jesus.
13:29I've been bad and I'm scared and I'm afraid.
13:31Where's my Jesus?
13:32Help me, Jesus.
13:33Kind of mean.
13:34Enticing.
13:35Step two.
13:36Step two.
13:37Guilt blasting through prayer.
13:40Bye, stop.
13:41So this one, you're going to want to dig a little bit deeper
13:45and maybe crank everything up to 11.
13:48Something a little like this.
13:49See if you can follow.
13:50Oh, Lord, it's us again.
13:54Stinky little sinners, human sex, and garbage.
13:58Probably already halfway to hell.
14:00You know the drill, Lord.
14:02When everything's going bad, we come running.
14:05When everything's good, poof, we act like your grace
14:09is our birthright.
14:11Which it is not.
14:13Oh, I'm sure you're tired.
14:15Lord, you must be exhausted.
14:17You already went ahead and died for our sins.
14:20Then you went and brought yourself back from the dead.
14:24I'm tired just thinking about it.
14:26See, you rest for a bit, Lord.
14:28You rest.
14:29And we, we'll just keep doing what we do best,
14:32paving our own roads to hell.
14:35You know the drill.
14:37Amen.
14:38Hey, witchy.
14:39What's step three?
14:41Step three is the collection plate.
14:44Wondrous.
14:45Well, that's, uh, pretty much all short about preaching.
14:49So, uh, what are your three steps?
14:55Take this.
14:56Press play.
14:59And dance.
15:00Are you meaning to do the bison medium well, or...?
15:06Sure you want that raw chicken so close to the veggies, or...?
15:10Shut up!
15:11Hey!
15:12Don't talk to them like that!
15:14Or what?
15:14Or whatever the fuck I want!
15:16We hear you like to bark, but do you even bite?
15:20Wait, maybe if you spend less time on your backs, these would know.
15:25Or maybe if you spend less time selling cigarettes to kids, you'd know.
15:31Mm-hmm.
15:32This ain't gonna last.
15:34This ain't fooling anyone.
15:35Yes, it will.
15:36Yeah, it will.
15:37Yeah, I will.
15:38Start thinking with your big brain, not your little brain.
15:41They don't need you, Tannis.
15:43Nobody does.
15:44We've got them now.
15:46There's a bit of char in your grill.
15:48Are you gonna scrape that off, or...
15:50You gonna bump that heat down, or...?
15:51What's that?
15:52Is that a little trouble in paradise?
15:55Never complained about Auntie Tannis' cooking.
15:58Just saying.
15:59Enough!
16:00You tarts can't handle a barbecue, let alone handle your scandal.
16:05I can see your clammy hands from here.
16:07Do not say that word.
16:08I hate that word.
16:10What's one?
16:11Oh.
16:13Clammy.
16:14Let's just pump the brakes a quick fucking sec here, friends in Clamelia.
16:17Let's get to the clammy-eating potatoes of it.
16:20What, did you never listen to Clammy Davis Jr.? What's up?
16:22Clammy Hagar's the superior Van Halen vocalist. I don't care what anyone else says.
16:26Clammy Sosa used to hit them big dingers.
16:29What, did you never listen to Clammy Wynette's problem?
16:31Shut up!
16:32Enough talking.
16:33Enough chin-wagging.
16:34Which one of you has called my sister a skank?
16:41No, there's not much I can do about this one, kiddo.
16:46It's alright, boo.
16:48I got it.
16:49Fuck's sake, when's the next scrap coming, certain things never gonna fucking come, fuck.
16:53You give those nuggets a flip soon, or...
16:56Want me to do it, or...
16:57For fuck's sakes!
16:59You give those nuggets in love.
17:03I love you.
17:13I love you.
17:17I love you.
17:19I love you.
17:20I love you.
17:21I love you.
18:22We're partners, kind of, and we work really well together.
18:28So, like, we were wondering if...
18:30If I would date both of you again.
18:33Actually, yes.
18:34The truth is, guys, I don't really want to date either of you.
18:39It's just not really the right time.
18:43Oh, no.
18:44And now it's just you guys, so think of all the snipes.
18:49Big city slams.
18:53We'll snipe Sully, boys.
18:56Dirty fucking dangles, boys!
18:58So, you still prefer pussy over a meal made by Auntie Tannis?
19:07They don't need you anymore!
19:09You know what I heard?
19:11You guys aren't the only ones in there.
19:13They're watch out for that yeast.
19:15Do not say that word.
19:18You want pussy?
19:18No!
19:19Oh!
19:23Yeast!
19:24What, you never watched Beauty and the Yeast growing up?
19:27You had your fucking mind?
19:29What, you never stayed up for the Yeaster Bunny?
19:31Yeaster and Promises is a great movie.
19:33Yeast Bounds and Downs is a great show.
19:36You look more suited to the witches of Yeastwick.
19:39Order Yeastenders, darn it!
19:42Look, all we are saying is give yeast a chance.
19:48Have you ever listened to the Yeasty Boys?
19:51Ain't you ever been to yeast side, Marios?
19:53This isn't yeast or famine.
19:56And last but not yeast.
19:59Fuck off!
20:06I'm fatigued, feeble, flimsy.
20:13Same, strange, dilapidated, doddering.
20:16I feel strangely fine.
20:19Bombers?
20:20A lot of bombers.
20:22Rips?
20:23Well, we think Glenn has the rips.
20:28Glenn.
20:29Yes?
20:30Did any of those rips survive?
20:32Oh, sure.
20:33All of them.
20:33I didn't touch it.
20:34What?
20:36How do you...
20:37The power of Christ compels me, sir.
20:41You fooled us.
20:42No, I tricked you.
20:45And trickery's not a sin.
20:47Also, I got you to give God a try for a day.
20:50Didn't kill you, did it?
20:52No.
20:53As it turns out, God is actually...
20:56Pretty metal.
20:58Well, of course he's metal.
21:00Ain't you never heard of P.O.D.?
21:02We concede, Glenn.
21:03Who?
21:03You have electrified us here today.
21:07Oh.
21:08We agreed to cut the pie.
21:11Divvy it up!
21:12Yes.
21:13We can share the dollar store parking lot.
21:16Hooray!
21:17But you're gonna want to be on your way now.
21:20I'm done with this Indian taco.
21:27I'd invite you's over, but you're too busy fucking up, so...
21:32They don't need you anymore!
21:34Chicken's dry.
21:36What?
21:37Nothing.
21:38No.
21:39What did you say?
21:40Chicken's dry.
21:41You can hardly swallow it.
21:43You want it to be a bit moist.
21:44Ugh, don't say that word.
21:47What word?
21:48Oh!
21:51Moist.
21:52What, just never watched Mickey and Minnie Moist growing up?
21:55You out of your fucking mind?
21:57Ronald Moist Donald?
21:59Seen my buddy Ben's on Moisture Chef's Candidus?
22:01Nope, but I'm all caught up on how to moist a murder.
22:04Fuck, those Averys really put their foots in it now, eh?
22:06My favorite show is America's Moist Wanted.
22:09You gotta respect athleticisms.
22:11Connor Moist Gregor, Connor Moist David, Floyd Moist Weather.
22:15Why, they're all at the top of their classes.
22:17They're all driving Moisturotties, that's all I know.
22:20Maybe even a Rolls Moist.
22:21Or maybe even a Moist Sadie's Benz.
22:24No Moistubishi eclipses in this bunch.
22:27They're not using Capital One Moisture cards.
22:29Nope, they got MX Black, likely.
22:32Moist money, moist problems.
22:33You're bum scum, bud.
22:39Sled Ted?
22:49Rad-ass.
22:52Jive and fucking Pete.
22:56They've assembled the D-Gen All-Stars.
22:59Their organization is baffling.
23:02The fuck's your name anyway, bud?
23:04Alistair Orson Westwood Yates.
23:08Baffling.
23:09My name is...
23:10Shut the fuck up.
23:12Let's see you back it up now, bitch.
23:17Tennis!
23:19We're gonna get our asses kicked!
23:21Not our pig, not our farm, boys.
23:24You don't need me anymore, remember?
23:26I have kind of been wondering when the next scrap's coming, they'll fuck.
23:32Wait for it.
23:33We're so sorry, Auntie.
23:43We want to come back.
23:45We miss you, Tennis.
23:46You took care of us.
23:47We promise.
23:48We'll never get blinded by the pussy again.
23:51We'll swear off the pussy.
23:52For two weeks.
23:54See what happened here to their ladies?
23:55The way to a man's heart ain't through a zipper.
24:02Tennis.
24:03Mm.
24:06Let's have a scrap.
24:07About fucking time, I was starting to think it was never gonna come.
25:40Star Wars, you ready to go back to the rest of the world to cry.
26:10Mmm, this is ever good there, Auntie.
26:17I know.
26:19Thanks, Tannis.
26:20Auntie Tannis always takes care of her cubs, boy.
26:24I was a bit worried when you were cooking the raw chicken so close to the veg, but...
26:29Max!
26:32I fucking hate that word.
26:34What word?
26:35Oh.
26:36Veg.
26:37Can we talk you off the veg, big brother?
26:39I guess we're not going to veg allegiance to the flag then, eh?
26:42Have a dart, have a Benson and Veges.
26:45What?
26:45You don't like Peter Gabriel?
26:46I fuck a real veg hammer.
26:47Stevie Nicks, veg of 17.
26:50Stevie Nicks, the fucking veg in, ready?
26:52Aerosmith, living on the veg.
26:53Heath, veg-er.
26:55Veg in Gary.
26:56You didn't like Edie Vegwick?
26:57That fucker married Kevin Bacon.
26:59No, no, no, no, no.
27:00That was Kira Vegwick.
27:01Edie Vegwick was Warhol's girl.
27:03Well, I happen to know for a fact that Dan has a full veg boner for any veg one.
27:09Veg-etly.
27:10Veg-itimately.
27:11Veg of Tomorrow starring Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt.
27:15Amazing movie.
27:16Mm-hmm.
27:17I don't think you're going to get a word in here, veg-wise, good buddy.
27:22Prepare the veg-er-ment.
27:24Take some veg-er-lives.
27:28Veg-er-ment.
27:32Fuck!
27:32This is what we're doing!