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00:00Plus it was so cold and wet and boring in the outfield.
00:29I mean, personally, I don't think I've ever seen a ball that slippery. Have you?
00:33It was a difficult catch, Mark. I wouldn't worry. And it's just softball.
00:37This is it. This is it. All systems are go. The apple is ripe. The crosshairs are centralised.
00:44Soph, I was wondering, do you like Indonesian food?
00:50I can't do it. It's too much. I'm not American. I can't date.
00:55Restaurant on a barge. I might as well ask her to marry me. The pub. That's the English way.
01:01Why? Oh, just nothing. But listen, everyone's going to the pub. You want to...
01:07The whole work gang? I don't think so. Do you mind if I get changed?
01:11Oh, no, no. Not at all. Oh, my God. She's taking off her top. This is very promising. Or is it...
01:19Would she do this if she fancied me? Maybe we're... Oh, God. No, no. We're only bloody friends.
01:25Too much. And then she gave me a peck on the cheek. It's a living nightmare.
01:31Mm-hmm. I've got to close the deal. I've got to ask her out without actually asking her out.
01:37One step forward, two steps back. That's the key to progress.
01:41Mm. Yeah. So, how was your day?
01:44Oh, fine. Kind of weird. Mum rang to say that my Uncle Ray is a bit ill.
01:50Yeah? Is it serious? Dunno. He's gone into the hospice, so I guess he's being looked after.
01:56Hospice? You just... You know what a hospice is, don't you?
02:01Like a hospital, but nicer.
02:03A hospice is where people go to who are terminally ill.
02:07Oh, right. Yeah, Mum said he was what you said. I'm sure he'll be fine. He's not a quitter.
02:16Well, I have to say, probably not, mate. Probably not.
02:21No, he won't quit. Do you know what I fancy now? Some good life.
02:25Where's more good life?
02:28Have you thought about giving him a call?
02:31Ray? No. No. He's probably got people calling him night and day. He's probably sick of it.
02:38I thought probably best just to give him some peace and quiet.
02:42I don't know. I think maybe you should call him.
02:47I think this isn't good.
02:50Good to see you, Uncle Ray. What have you been up to?
02:53Well, mostly I've been lying in bed taking painkillers.
02:57Right. Cool.
03:00Jesus, that wasn't a very friendly joke. At least I came.
03:03So, Ray, Jez tells me you worked on the force.
03:08That's right, Mark. 30 years.
03:10Blimey. So, must be nice getting a bit of support from your police mates. The force. You can trust the force, can't you?
03:19Yeah. What's this? This is meant to be my visit. He's hijacking my visit.
03:25Mostly they just eat my wine gums and look embarrassed.
03:28Come on. Say something. Something not about dying. Something inspiring.
03:32Yeah. People can be so funny when it comes to illness, can't they? I mean, it's good that you, you know.
03:42Yeah. That's the one upside of this whole thing. Rediscovered that little guy with the crown of thorns and the big old heart.
03:51Yeah, that's really a great thing to have, a faith.
03:55Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
04:00That's nice. Ray's such a nice guy. What a shame everything he believes is total rubbish.
04:07Okay, well, thanks for calling, Mum. Okay, I will. Bye.
04:13As it is... Ray's dead.
04:18Oh, man. I'm sorry.
04:20Uncle Ray. Football. Siggies. He was gonna make me a bow and arrow that could go through a metal dustbin.
04:29He never did, of course, but wow. Shall I turn over?
04:35Yeah, maybe some news night or something. I mean, I wish maybe the family could come together.
04:42We could campaign against or for something. Maybe a foundation. The Ray Foundation for Christians and coppers.
04:53That's a nice idea.
04:55But something positive's gonna come out of all this. Something.
05:00I guess I just really need some comfort right now. I mean, why does it have to happen? Why does death happen?
05:12Shit, Jeremy. I don't even know which day the bin men come.
05:15Oh, this is pretty low. Milking Uncle Ray to get a... Hey, I'm feeling bad. Why not get some nookie out of it?
05:22I just feel so alone, you know?
05:24Sure. It's like after Tony left, I thought, this is it. Everything's over. But then I thought, hey, no. Sort it out. Buy a juicer.
05:33Right, but, Tony, maybe... Listen, you really better go. These classified dates can be very uptight about times.
05:39Go? But, Tony, I really feel that tonight I just need someone to...
05:43Jeremy, this is a hot one. He's six foot, he loves movies and walks, and we totally clicked on the phone.
05:50I can't believe she would be this heartless to someone who's as upset as I say I am. Maybe I am as upset as I say I am. It's just coming out in a weird way.
05:58Tony, listen. Nothing could make me feel better about Ray's death, except maybe one thing could make me feel better.
06:06Look, Jeremy. Death happens. People die. You've got to move on. My dad died when I was three, but I haven't let it screw me up.
06:12Right. I don't waste my life looking for a man to fill a dad-shaped hole.
06:19It's perfect. Big social occasion, but no invites. It's not a date, but it is. What if it all goes right, though? What do I do about my massive freakish balls?
06:33Don't get ahead of yourself.
06:35Hey, Soph.
06:36Hey, Mark. How's it going?
06:38Well, actually, things have been a bit tough, to be honest. Jeremy's uncle passed away yesterday.
06:43Oh, no. Oh, that is difficult to see. OK? Yeah, yeah. Bearing up, you know. But listen, Sophie, I wanted to ask you. Might you be free on Friday? For the funeral?
06:54The funeral?
06:55Oh. Oh, no. Shit. It's not perfect. It's cracked. Oh, piss.
06:59I mean, you don't have to. I just thought it might be nice if...
07:03No, no. I'd be honoured. I mean, if you want a friend to go, then...
07:06No, no. Not friend. No, as a kind of date. I mean, I thought afterwards, if you like, we could go somewhere.
07:14Won't there be a wake?
07:15Somewhere like the wake.
07:16OK, sure. Great. Erm... If that's OK, I'm invited.
07:21That's the beauty. No invites at a funeral.
07:24As Jono let rip with the stolen Kalashnikov and Squarehead fired off a round-off monkey puzzler, I looked down at the towel head...
07:36Jesus, where did they get this guy? This whole thing is a freak show. Why am I even here? Why is she here?
07:44I didn't stop to think about it long. We all get slotted sometime.
07:48Thanks, Keith. Scorpio Patrol. Real life behind enemy lines. One of my brother's favourites.
08:00Now, as I was saying, whilst no one would suggest that the Faith Ray claimed to find it those last few weeks was only a product...
08:07God, I'm so pleased we stopped going to Liz's for Christmas. Oh, thanks for the fair trade nuts again, Aunty. She's loving this. What a stitch-up.
08:16Now, in the humanist ceremony at this point, we like to encourage anyone who wants to share a thought or memory or reflection about my brother...
08:28...to speak up.
08:30Words... coming...
08:34Hey, yeah. OK. The sympathy vote.
08:37I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open.
08:40Uh, yeah. I spent some time with Ray before he went, and I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus.
08:56Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things, like science or the stock market, and we believe in them.
09:10Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying, and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into, say, Enya before, but that now I really, really was into Enya,
09:26and that, in fact, I thought Enya was great, and that Enya died for our sins, and I wanted an Enya-themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of Enya,
09:39then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral.
09:47Yeah?
09:48Well done, Jess old mate. You did him proud.
09:57Oh, poor Ray. He's in there. In that cardboard box. I can't believe it. Shit! This just gets better and better.
10:08Yeah, I guess it just came from in here. Or maybe up there. Yeah? Here's to God!
10:18To God!
10:19Can I get you anything?
10:20No, I'm okay. I'll be fine. I've got to be strong for Jeremy.
10:26He was great, wasn't he? Moments like this really make you realise how short life is, you know?
10:31Right. One minute we're alive, the next we're dead.
10:35Sometimes we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life.
10:39Right, yeah. I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?
10:44Yeah.
10:46You're losing her.
10:47It's a brief candle. A bloody brief candle.
10:52Yup.
10:53Sophie, can I say how beautiful you look?
10:58Thank you, Mark.
11:00Can... can I kiss you, Sophie?
11:04Oh, my God. Um...
11:08What about my abnormal knackers?
11:10Oh, this is nice. How weird are they?
11:13What I really need is a good long look at another man's bollocks.
11:18But that's so fraught with potential problems.
11:21Oh, that was nice.
11:25Yeah, that was nice.
11:26Thank you, Ray. Thank you, Ray. Thank you, Ray.
11:30100 Christian soldiers, marching as to all.
11:39So it means it must have been taken shortly before he died.
11:42Yup. That's God. You think you're in and then the smiting and the plagues and the pestilence starts.
11:47Shit. I can't believe it.
11:49Hey, Jez. I've got news.
11:52So have I.
11:53Sophie's coming away with me to a cottage with a bed for the weekend.
11:58Now, listen, mate. I need to ask you a straight-up man-to-man question about bollocks.
12:04The hospital called. What Ray died of, Bowdoin-Georgena syndrome. It's hereditary.
12:10What? You're kidding.
12:12I might have it. They want me to go in for tests.
12:15Tests? Jesus, mate. Fuck. No, are you okay?
12:21Yeah. No. To be honest, I'm scared.
12:26Look, don't be scared.
12:28I am scared.
12:30Don't be scared.
12:32I am scared.
12:35That's fine. That's fine. It's perfectly natural to be scared.
12:41Dr Runciman has seen this sort of thing a thousand times.
12:44It's just two guys, one with his hand on the other guy's balls.
12:49Mark Corrigan?
12:52Dr Runciman's on call. I'm the practice nurse.
12:55Oh. Pleased to meet you.
12:58No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
13:00So how can I help?
13:01Oh, it was just... I think I should probably see the doctor.
13:05You know, not that I've got anything against your kind.
13:08Well, if you tell me the problem, we can see if I can deal with it.
13:12Basically, it's not wishing to beat about the bush.
13:16It's a problem with... with my...
13:20Penis?
13:23Testisticles.
13:24So if you'd feel happier, I...
13:26Okay, trousers down, hop on the couch.
13:28Let's have a look at the little fellows.
13:30Oh, I hope I don't...
13:32No leaping to attention, Captain Corrigan.
13:34I mean, anyone would say she's an attractive woman.
13:37She should have to wear a mask for this kind of thing.
13:40Reagan or Batman or...
13:42Actually, she'd look pretty horny as Batman.
13:44Jesus, no, don't.
13:46So, have you... worked here long?
13:50Blimey.
13:51Blimey? What's blimey?
13:53That doesn't feel painful, does it?
13:54No, no, no, that feels great.
13:57I mean, not great, just normal.
13:59Oh, how much can a man take?
14:01Yep, you've got a large hydrocal.
14:03Nothing to worry about.
14:04A simple outpatients procedure.
14:06The scalpel just slips in at the back of the scrotum.
14:08Yep, that's cooled things off.
14:10That's a regular bucket of water right there.
14:12Abandon self-cherishing.
14:14Love only others.
14:16Yeah, well, Mr Dalai Lama,
14:18I suppose you've got to be a suck-up
14:19if you haven't got your own country.
14:21Okay, stay focused.
14:23Don't have to do them all,
14:24just till you find something to hold on to.
14:26Let's see, let's prioritise.
14:28Islam, not really such a fashionable religion.
14:32Hinduism, that's got a nice vibe.
14:34Find out the Hindus and the Hind-don'ts.
14:37Good old Bible.
14:39Bit dribble-not-the-asses-milk on Tuesday.
14:41Anyway, I know most of that from the omen.
14:43Okay, Jez, mate.
14:45Think that's about it?
14:46Uh-huh.
14:47Well, have a good time, mate.
14:55Is he okay?
14:56I don't know.
14:57He gets the test results on Monday.
14:59What do you think?
15:00He seems a bit on edge.
15:01The thing is, he's not definitely dying.
15:04He's not even definitely ill.
15:06Yeah.
15:07Yeah, you're probably right.
15:08But what about the carving on his arm?
15:10I think that's just biro.
15:11Anyway, he seems to be over that now.
15:13And the whinnying.
15:14Things are looking positive.
15:16He's investigating the key to all spiritualities.
15:19Every day try and read a poem.
15:21Listen to an inspiring piece of music.
15:23Look at a wonderful painting or go into nature.
15:25On the other hand, I could finish off the last of that skunk,
15:29sit on Big Suze's dildo and wank myself dry.
15:32I could go down that place Superhand says as a knocking shop.
15:35If it's not, bang a tab and get a four hour massage.
15:38Er, Jez, me and Soph, we were just having a chat and, well,
15:44what we were saying is that actually what we both really want
15:47is for you to come along on our weekend.
15:50Yeah?
15:51Oh, I kind of had plans.
15:54Oh, come on.
15:55You can take your religious texts with you.
15:57Maybe he really doesn't want to come.
15:59No point.
16:00I've got that taped.
16:01It's all bullshit.
16:02God, he really, really wants me to come.
16:04It'll just be such a laugh.
16:06Please say no, please say no.
16:08Er, well, alright.
16:10I guess, if you really want me to.
16:12God, I didn't realise he was this terrified of sex.
16:16If I can just get the first one over without a major embarrassment.
16:20First fuck is damage limitation.
16:22In, out, as much pleasure as I can give her,
16:25apologise and then we can move on.
16:29Jesus, look at him.
16:30What a disaster.
16:32Jeremy, it's your go, isn't it?
16:34Er, whatever.
16:35Carry on, I just want to rewind this bit.
16:37Do you have to?
16:38We're trying to play a game.
16:40Mark, I gave you the choice.
16:41It's either Tom and Barbara being nice
16:43or Gloria and Mitzi being nasty.
16:45Well, if you don't want your go, I'll take mine.
16:48I'm attacking Erkutsk from...
16:50Fine, whatever.
16:51Can't you get it into your tiny closed-off little mind
16:53that I just don't give a flying fuck?
16:55Yeah, well, you will when I take Asia.
16:57Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Mark.
16:59Nothing means anything.
17:00It's all just shit, the whole thing.
17:02Games, snacks, fires, man, woman, love.
17:06Because we're all going to end up in the cold, deep ground
17:08and that's all there is.
17:10OK?
17:12Well, fine.
17:14I'm off for a shower.
17:15Good night, Jeremy.
17:17See you in the bedroom, Soph?
17:20Yeah, sure.
17:22Oh, what I really want's a woman.
17:25Oh, God, I'm never going to have a woman again in my life.
17:28I never planted my seed.
17:31My loins are like dried buckwheat.
17:34It's not fair.
17:35So, Jeremy, I'm going to turn in.
17:37Hope you sleep OK.
17:39Er, thanks.
17:44Er, Sophie, could I have a quick word?
17:47In private.
17:49Sure, I mean, this is private.
17:51It must be hell for you, trying to cope with all this.
18:00Well, yeah.
18:02Bloody hell, Jeremy, what are you doing?
18:04Oh, go on, Soph.
18:06This could be the last time I do it with anyone.
18:08Can you imagine how committed I'd be?
18:10I'm here with Mark.
18:11Mark doesn't love you.
18:14He doesn't even like you.
18:16What?
18:17He...
18:18He said he's only snogging you for a joke.
18:21And he draws horrible, vicious cartoons of you,
18:24and then wraps them up in sausage meat
18:26and calls you a sausage muncher.
18:28You're drunk, Jeremy.
18:30Let's just both try and get some sleep.
18:32Go on.
18:33I might be dead in a week.
18:34Jeremy, look, I'm flattered.
18:36But I'm here with Mark, and...
18:38What about a three's up?
18:40Jeremy, Mark's...
18:41All right.
18:42OK.
18:43I get the message.
18:45Sophie?
18:46Jess must have gone for a walk.
18:51Thank God for that.
18:52You'd think he'd be more grateful.
18:54He'll change his tune when I'm the one in charge of the morphine supply.
18:57Oh!
18:58It's like that, is it?
18:59That's how it's going to be, is it?
19:01Well, excuse me!
19:03Jess, I didn't...
19:04I mean...
19:05I didn't mean...
19:07Oh, wow.
19:08Oh, yeah.
19:09Oh, yeah.
19:10Oh, yeah.
19:11She is so...
19:12Where am I?
19:13Put your tongue out and see.
19:15Neck?
19:16Yeah.
19:17Neck.
19:18Oh.
19:19Whoa!
19:20You can do that again.
19:22Oh, yeah.
19:23Mark?
19:24Yeah?
19:25Are you going to take your pants off?
19:27Er...
19:28Yeah.
19:29Yeah, I will.
19:30But, Sophie, before I do, I need to prepare you for something.
19:35I intend to have an operation, but until I do, I don't want you to be alarmed by the size of my...
19:42Mark, stop boasting and get some Johnny's.
19:46Shit.
19:47They're in the bathroom.
19:49Stay right there.
19:50Don't go away.
19:51I'm not going anywhere.
19:52Got to be quick.
19:53Don't want to have to get her all worked up again.
19:56Jesus.
19:57Did she say Johnny's plural?
19:59Hope she doesn't think I'm some sort of Superman.
20:04Couldn't even be bothered to go to bed.
20:06It's pathetic, really.
20:08What's...
20:09Oh, my God, he's...
20:10No.
20:11Don't be dead, mate.
20:12Shit.
20:13No.
20:14Oh, God, no.
20:15In front of...
20:16Tenko.
20:17That was probably the last straw.
20:19Oh, fuck.
20:20Oh, fuck.
20:21Don't be dead, mate.
20:22Please don't be dead.
20:23My cock's gone right down.
20:25Fuck.
20:26Sophie!
20:27Sophie!
20:28Something awful has happened!
20:29What?
20:30He's opened his eyes.
20:31Jez, we're right here, Jez.
20:32What?
20:33What's going on?
20:34You're in safe hands now, Jez.
20:35You're going to be alright.
20:36Was he behaving strangely before he took the overdose?
20:37No.
20:38No more than usual.
20:39What?
20:40He did...
20:41I didn't tell you this.
20:42He did make a pass at me.
20:43A pass?
20:44He...
20:45The bloody...
20:46He's been under a lot of stress recently.
20:48How many pills did you take, Jeremy?
20:49It's really important you remember how many pills you took.
20:50Pills?
20:51Just the one?
20:52He's delirious.
20:53The whole bottle was empty.
20:54Yeah.
20:55The last one.
20:56I had a headache.
20:57Has anyone got any coke?
20:58My mouth's all...
20:59I invite you here.
21:00No more than usual.
21:01No more than usual.
21:02No more than usual.
21:03What?
21:04He did...
21:05I didn't tell you this.
21:06He did make a pass at me.
21:07A pass?
21:08He...
21:09The bloody...
21:10He's been under a lot of stress recently.
21:12How many pills did you take, Jeremy?
21:13It's really important you remember how many pills you took.
21:15Pills?
21:16Just the one?
21:17I invite you here and you repay me by trying to...
21:20have it away with my girlfriend.
21:23I don't think girlfriends quite.
21:24I've been feeling very low, you know.
21:27Oh, were you?
21:28Were you?
21:29Yeah.
21:30I was feeling desperate.
21:31I mean, that's why.
21:33That's why I took the overdose.
21:35What?
21:36But you...
21:37I couldn't admit it.
21:38I was ashamed.
21:39But...
21:40I did it.
21:41The bottle was full.
21:42I...
21:43I took the whole lot.
21:44Okay.
21:45If you two...
21:46Step to one side.
21:47I'm gonna do a stomach pump.
21:48What?
21:49Er...
21:50No.
21:51Actually...
21:52Look, I admit it.
21:53I was joking.
21:54I was lying just then, not before.
21:55I...
21:56I didn't take an overdose.
21:57You can put away the hardware.
21:58I didn't do anything.
21:59I was lying just then, not before.
22:00Don't pump me!
22:01Pardon me!
22:07What the fuck?
22:08Soph, don't worry.
22:09It's only me.
22:10I've got something for you.
22:11Yeah, don't do that.
22:12You shouldn't do that.
22:13But I checked.
22:14No one was coming.
22:15That's not the point.
22:16It's not?
22:17No, Mark.
22:18Erm...
22:19We need to have a talk.
22:20A talk?
22:21Oh.
22:22Mark...
22:23A funeral.
22:24It's an emotional time.
22:25There's lots of emotions.
22:26Are you finishing with me?
22:28Never, really.
22:29Oh.
22:30Right.
22:31Not that something might not some day.
22:34But, I mean, everything was a bit whoosh.
22:36And I'd much rather it was a bit more dum-de-dum-de-dum, you know.
22:39OK.
22:40Well, that's just...
22:41I guess...
22:42You know...
22:45Did you want to give me something?
22:47Er...
22:48No.
22:49It's...
22:51It's your pants.
22:53Oh.
22:54I found them in my suitcase.
22:57And...
22:58I thought...
22:59You...
23:00Anyway...
23:01Here you go.
23:06Er...
23:07Well, thanks.
23:08Not a problem.
23:10OK.
23:11Er...
23:12Well, I'll see you.
23:13See you...
23:14Not around, but here.
23:16OK.
23:17Great.
23:18See you.
23:27So I, er...
23:28I got the test results.
23:42It's positive.
23:44Oh, dear.
23:46Oh, cheers.
23:48Are you OK?
23:50It's all broken.
23:52It's knackered.
23:53He dumped me.
23:55Daddy's gone again.
23:59I don't know why it happens.
24:03There are all these people out there singing and dancing, but it's never me, you know?
24:07Uh-huh.
24:08Uh-huh.
24:09Mm-hmm.
24:10Oh, I'm sorry.
24:11I'll shut up.
24:12My problems are just like nothing compared to three months.
24:17Three to six.
24:18Jesus, Jeremy.
24:20Jesus.
24:21I'll say miracle drug cure.
24:24Maybe she'll give me another one as congratulations.
24:27Oh, God.
24:28Hope she doesn't start crying again.
24:30Got to...
24:31Before she...
24:32Come on.
24:33Oh, I am gonna feel so low just as soon as this is over.
24:38Set away, set away, set away.
25:08There's going to do so.