LOL Network's Stand-Up series presents some of the hottest up-and-coming comics in the industry. Welcome to the stage, Karlous Miller.
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00:01Put your hands together
00:02All the way from Oxford, Mississippi
00:04You'll see them everywhere
00:06On Nick Cannon's Wild Enough
00:07And last come extended
00:09It's Carlos Miller
00:17Oh!
00:18Oh, what's up?
00:20Turn it off
00:22What? Who?
00:23Oh, I'm having a ball
00:25I almost didn't make it over here, man
00:27I had to drive through Cobb County
00:29I pulled over
00:31I don't know what to do
00:33When the police pulled me over, man
00:35I just turned to a slave
00:36I don't know
00:38You have any idea why I pulled you over?
00:40No, sir
00:41I haven't the slightest idea
00:43Why you pulled me over, sir
00:45I just mosey along to the grocery
00:48I look behind you and seen blue lights
00:50Who been in Holland?
00:52I pulled over for the safety of both of us
00:55I got my driver's license and my freedom papers
00:58I mean registration
00:59I mean registration
01:00I mean registration
01:04They asking you all those crazy-ass questions when they pull you up
01:07What you doing in Cobb County?
01:09Bitch, I'm leaving
01:10Don't nobody visit no Cobb County
01:14They got all the questions when they pull you up
01:16Do you mind if I search your vehicle?
01:18Hell yeah, I mind if you search my vehicle
01:20Cause I don't know what you looking for
01:22And I know you ain't lost shit in my vehicle
01:27Ask me how you dumbass quit
01:29Well, we're looking for drugs and large amounts of cash
01:33Me too!
01:34We looking for the same shit
01:37We should ride together
01:39They ain't trying to trick me
01:43You mind stepping out your vehicle so I can hear you a little bit better
01:46These cars are passing by pretty quick
01:48I'm like, hell yeah, I mind stepping out the vehicle
01:51Well, why is that?
01:52Cause every nigga that done stepped out the vehicle
01:54Ain't ever getting back in the vehicle
01:56That's...
01:57That's why
01:58Oh, that would be no stepping out the vehicle
02:02You can get in the vehicle
02:04But I'm not getting out the vehicle
02:07Oh, that made it mad as hell
02:09Well, I'm gonna take you to jail
02:10Well, I'll follow you up there
02:11Cause I'm not getting out this damn car
02:13It's crazy, man
02:19I'm glad we got some white people in here
02:22Black and white people
02:23We need both of them
02:24I'm glad everybody made it out
02:26Hell yeah
02:27Cause it just goes to prove you, man
02:30Black people and white people do the same shit
02:33It's just different a little bit
02:35Like, black men have baby mamas
02:38White men kill their girlfriend
02:40That's the same shit?
02:47When you think about it
02:52We live in the south
02:53We got those crazy ass white people
02:55Have you ever spoke to the wrong white person?
02:57They tell you everything about them?
02:59They...
03:00You just speak back
03:01Hey, how you doing, buddy?
03:02Hey, how you doing?
03:03Hey, I see you over there
03:04You got that Braves hat on
03:08You live in Atlanta?
03:09You live in Atlanta?
03:10My sister was over there for about four years
03:15She was, uh...
03:18She was working up there at Northside Hospital
03:23Yep, she was up there about two years
03:28They let her go, so...
03:30Now she's staying with us
03:33And...
03:35Her two kids
03:37And...
03:39My brother was driving a truck everyday
03:43Back and forth to Birmingham
03:45He owned a semi-truck
03:47And...
03:49Tire blew out and blew his knee all the hell
03:52So he's not driving the truck no more
03:58So he's staying with us
04:01And his two kids
04:05Yeah, my Meemaw got thrown out the old folks home
04:10Pulling her damn tits out
04:13So now she's staying with us
04:17Her two kids
04:18You're standing there like, how big is this damn house?
04:26The longer you listen, the more they talk
04:28Yeah, the cat had about nine kittens last spring
04:33We didn't give none of them away, so...
04:37The cat's staying with us
04:40Her nine kids
04:42Hey man, white people funny as hell
04:53It's rough out here, man
04:55It is rough
04:57That took all the good women
04:59There's a lot of fine-ass women in Georgia, man
05:02I saw a woman so fine
05:04I saw a homeless lady today with a fat ass
05:07I was like, this must be her first date
05:09Cause ain't no way they gonna throw that ass in the garbage
05:13She was beautiful
05:15She wasn't even dirty
05:16I wanted the hand sanitizer
05:18It's like if I ran through here one more time
05:21And she's still out here
05:24I'd fuck with a homeless woman
05:26You could drop her ass off anywhere
05:27Baby, where you going?
05:28It don't matter, just...
05:31Whatever
05:32Whatever
05:35She had a fat ass
05:37I love a woman with a fat ass
05:40Love her...so big you have to say it two times
05:42You ever seen that?
05:43That big-ass ass?
05:46You be like, that's a big-ass ass
05:48Oh, I love that!
05:49That big-ass ass
05:50I like when they wear the look
05:51Jogging pants with the words across the booth
05:53That shit be sexy
05:55Love
05:58Pink
06:00Juicy
06:02But then the booty get hungry
06:03And ate two letters line
06:04Just say J.C.Y
06:05Like, oh shit!
06:07Oh!
06:09I don't give a damn what you see
06:10I'm always gonna love Project Women
06:12That's just what I like
06:14See how these ladies in here dress nice
06:16They came out to be cordial and friendly
06:18I don't like friendly and cordial
06:20I like crazy-ass women
06:22Yeah, straight hood
06:23You don't even know they like you
06:24To the end of the night
06:25They run up on you
06:26How are you feeling like the girl?
06:27Like, what's up?
06:28Yeah, like you scared to talk to a real bitch
06:32You just standing there like
06:33No, I don't have a girlfriend
06:40I'm not seeing anyone
06:46Yeah, you can't just run up on the hood chick
06:48When you like them
06:49You gotta wait for them to like you
06:50She'll cuss your ass out
06:51You try to run
06:52Hey, how you doing?
06:53And you get your little ugh laugh out my face
06:55Ugh
06:56Ugh
06:57Ugh
06:58Like, what the fuck?
06:59What made you talk to me?
07:00Ugh
07:02Fellas, ain't no coming back from ugh
07:06These women disrespectful
07:07Man, I heard this girl in the club tell a dude
07:09You better get out my face, you dick in the boot ass
07:13I was like, ain't no coming back from dick in the boot ass
07:16You got to fight this bitch
07:18Cause that's
07:19That's the most disrespectful shit I ever heard
07:23I love them hood though
07:25You see how these ladies dressed nice came out?
07:27Uh-uh, that ain't my type
07:28I like them ladies that get all the way dressed
07:31Then find the full body length mirror and cuss herself out
07:34Be like, ooh bitch
07:35Ooh
07:36Ooh bitch
07:37This ain't even the club no more
07:39This a funeral cause you killing these bitches
07:43Every way you look
07:44Gonna be dead bitches
07:46Just
07:47Dead bitch
07:49Dead bitch
07:50Bitch lay down
07:51I killed you with the shoes, bitch
07:53You dead
07:56Then pull a phone out and give it to a home grab
07:58Be like, bitch get the picture
08:00Hashtag assassinator
08:03Yeah
08:04Yeah
08:07That's what I like
08:12They took all the good women, man
08:13These ladies will trick you in Atlanta
08:15They'll be all flexing at the club
08:17We live in Buckhead
08:18We live in Buckhead
08:19We live in Buckhead
08:20Then you get over there
08:21The apartment empty as hell
08:24She wants you to watch Netflix on the laptop
08:28Laying on that hard ass floor
08:30I'm not doing that shit
08:34They always got the same excuse
08:35My furniture in storage
08:37We'll bring it over here
08:38What?
08:39What?
08:40That was the whole point of moving
08:45I'm always gonna love Project Women though
08:48Cause I was over this girl house
08:50We was fucking on an air mattress
08:53No, I didn't know it was an air mattress
08:55Cause she had it made up like a real bed
08:58I didn't know it was an air mattress
09:00Until I laid down
09:01And my legs went straight up like
09:03I was like
09:04This a damn air mattress
09:05And it got a hole in it
09:06First of all
09:18Whatever
09:19I like project ass women though, man
09:21You gotta be careful
09:22You don't never know who the hell out here
09:23They got these new lesbians out
09:25I don't know if you've seen the new lesbians
09:27The little T-100 Terminators
09:28Have you seen them?
09:29Yeah, the little studs
09:31These the little angriest little chicks in Atlanta
09:34Yeah, they get jealous faster than real boyfriends
09:38I'm at the store the other day
09:40It's two ladies in front of me
09:41One of them had the fat little booty
09:42You know what I'm talking about
09:43When I said the fat little booty
09:44Like when you go to KFC
09:45You get the extra biscuit
09:46Your box won't close all the way
09:48Yeah, it was just poking out
09:50So I was looking at the ass respectfully
09:52The little stud chick caught me looking
09:57Hey, bro, hold up, hold up, bro
09:59Hey, you don't keep disrespecting me
10:01Looking at all that
10:02My lady, I was like
10:03I was looking at both of y'all
10:04I didn't know y'all was together
10:07Cause them being a couple
10:08Not gonna stop me, bro
10:09I would smash one of them little chicks
10:13I don't care
10:14You ain't never had no lesbian culture
10:15It's delicious
10:16Tastes like Subway lettuce
10:17Trust me
10:18Oh, it's amazing
10:19That's that low mileage, bro
10:21It's low mileage
10:22You imagine you smash one of them little stuff
10:27She like it, but she can't let you know she like it
10:29Cause they just as tough as we are
10:31Like you smashing all of a sudden
10:33She like, hold on, bro
10:34Hold up, wait, wait, bro
10:36Hell no
10:37Put my legs down
10:38This shit gay
10:39You tricked me
10:40This shit weird, bro
10:42You tricked me
10:49That'll probably be the only thing that stopped me
10:51They got them little deep ass voices
10:52You want your dick suck?
10:53Hell no
10:54Ugh
10:55Yeah, go on and do it
10:56But don't talk when you do it
10:57Cause
10:58Man, fuck y'all
11:00I'm not turning down no head
11:02That's how you miss your blessings
11:09Man, you think I'm bullshit
11:10I ain't got some heads so good
11:12About two twos ago
11:13Shit was amazing
11:14Nah, it was about two twos ago
11:16The head was amazing
11:18She gave me the head
11:19I jumped up
11:20Put all my clothes back on
11:21She was like
11:22Where in the hell are you going?
11:23I was like
11:24Girl, them kids ain't even got no breakfast in the morning
11:26Let me go in here and get some grocery shit
11:29About to start changing around here
11:30I'm about to get this
11:31I'm about to get this internet back on
11:33And some more shit
11:34Cause
11:35Good as they mama suck dick
11:39They need some luxuries
11:40Whatever
11:45You see how the ladies
11:46They ain't clap for that
11:47But they like head more than we do
11:49Women do
11:51Yeah, look at all them drag couches need to be ate
11:54Clapping
11:56Women love head more than
11:58Women love head so much
11:59They will check to make sure you still giving it to them
12:01Like you eating a couche and she loving it
12:03Oh yes
12:04Oh
12:05Oh daddy
12:06Oh
12:07Oh
12:08Oh
12:09Checking
12:10Fellas
12:11Make sure you have safe sex
12:13Whatever that mean to you
12:14Lock the door
12:15Turn your phone on silent
12:20I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life
12:23No, it's scary out here
12:24We live in Atlanta, man
12:25It came out a couple months ago
12:27They said Atlanta was the number one city for AIDS
12:29You remember that shit?
12:30Had motherfuckers scared
12:32All my homeboys were like
12:33Bruh, I'm so glad my bitch live in Decatur
12:37Hell yeah, boy
12:38Shit
12:40I'm gonna fuck you boy
12:42That time, boy
12:49Hey man, those AIDS commercials scary as hell
12:51I don't know if you've seen them
12:52They come on with some outstanding facts
12:55They say some shit like
12:57One in three black people have AIDS
12:59You be like shit, it's two people on the couch
13:01Goddamn
13:02Somebody in this house sick and won't say nothing
13:07It's got to be that bad ass little boy
13:08Do I ain't be running through it?
13:14That is some scary shit
13:16Cause every man in here has had some unprepared
13:20Unprotected sex
13:22Yeah, you be unprepared
13:24You got the condom right here in your hand
13:26That's the crazy part
13:27But you know how that shit go
13:28You slip the dick in from the back
13:30She don't say shit
13:32You don't say shit
13:34You trust her cause there ain't no bumps on her face
13:40Bruh, you know that's the test
13:41I know that's the test
13:42There ain't no bumps on her face
13:49Soon as you get through going wrong
13:50You say that little prayer on the way to the bathroom
13:51Jesus
13:52I know I was wrong
13:53But if you look out for me this time I swear to God
13:54I'll never go wrong again
13:55Say in your name we pray
13:56You're the king of all kings
13:57You're the alpha and omega
13:58I know you didn't bring me this far
13:59So you can drop me off here Lord
14:00Whatever man
14:06They sell AIDS tests at Walmart now
14:09At Walmart of all places
14:12That ain't gonna work out
14:14Fuck around and take the Walmart AIDS test
14:17And find out you got AIDS
14:19You gonna take that shit straight back to Walmart
14:22Yeah, this one broke
14:23I don't have no receipt either
14:27Whatever, I ain't shit, I don't care
14:40I love to see the ladies going back natural though
14:43That's amazing
14:44Much love to the ladies
14:46Yeah
14:47Yeah, keep going natural
14:49I don't give a shit what your real hair look like
14:52Long as it's yours
14:53I'm tired of cuddling with these fake ass hats
14:56I'm trying to hold you and shit
14:58And your head stink
14:59I'm like, baby, you need to Febreze your hold, goddamn
15:05Bro, this shit getting out of here
15:11I saw a girl with the hat
15:12With the ponytail attached to the back
15:14I'm like, this is the laziest shit ever
15:18You don't know what's real no more
15:21These women even get fake eyelashes, man
15:24Who is this shit for?
15:27I had a little hood bitch spend the night over my house
15:29She tried to sneak and take the fake eyelashes off
15:31Left them bitches on the counter
15:33Scared the shit out of me
15:35I was like, what kind of roach is that?
15:37I got to move
15:38This is some bullshit
15:39Bullshit
15:40I'll be going to get your little eyebrows and shit done
15:49Who was that for?
15:50It ain't never been two dudes in the club like, bruh
15:54Little shorty with them Batman eyebrows
15:58Hell yeah, I don't think about changing our life, bro
16:04You don't never know who you fucking with, man
16:11They be wearing the little body shapers, waist trainers
16:14They as well know you have that shit on
16:16You be looking good as hell from over there
16:19Then we go get that little hug, we feel that bulletproof vest
16:22Hell nah
16:23This bitch is the police, she undercover
16:27They still think they look good with it
16:33Oh, be talking shit
16:34Hold my leg up
16:35It's heavy
16:36I'm not one
16:37Can't pick that shit up
16:39I dig it, though
16:43I just like to smoke weed and watch the news, man
16:46Nah, real shit
16:47It's shit so crazy outside
16:49I just smoke weed, watch the news, man
16:51Cause smoke weed activates your common sense
16:54Do you know that shit?
16:57You ever just be high riding in your car
16:59And turn the radio off?
17:00And just be smiling?
17:02And be like, what the fuck wrong with you?
17:09Bro, my shit riding spoopy
17:12Being high make you a better driver
17:21Who you think be letting your ass out?
17:24High people
17:25Motherfuckin' high directing traffic
17:27Go head with your inner her ass
17:35But that's my shit
17:36I like to get high watch the news, man
17:38Cause weed activates your common sense
17:40I'm watching the news earlier today
17:41It said an unidentified woman was found today
17:44Murdered in her home
17:46I was like, nigga
17:49If it's her home
17:52I should've been the investigator
17:54I done figured this shit out already
17:56That's some of my favorite shit to do, though
18:01Is just watch the news
18:03Especially around this time of year
18:05Cause all the little black schools
18:07Be losing accreditation
18:08Yeah, that mean they ain't got no curriculum or nothing
18:12They just going to school, daycare all goddamn day
18:15It's 11th graders and 2nd graders in the same room
18:20They always find the little hood-ass mama to interview
18:24Miss Johnson, you got kids at this school?
18:26Tell us what you think
18:27They ain't sent no notes on or nothing
18:31Ain't nobody said nothing
18:33But somebody could've said some
18:36They ain't ain't get them kids no bruffle
18:39You rewind the shit
18:41Did they be saying bruffle on to?
18:48That's my shit
18:52Now I got all the little thug dudes in my complex
18:55They want to come to my house and watch the news
18:58But they don't know the difference between streets and news
19:01They call me like we know these people
19:04My homeboy hit me like
19:05Los
19:06Bruh
19:07You ain't tell me shithead got this real
19:10Hell yeah, bruh
19:11The United States of America just went to war with Liberia over some cereal
19:17Hell yeah, bruh
19:18I don't know what kind of cereal it was
19:22Had to be them Frosted Flay
19:24These niggas trippin' bruh
19:26Bruh, they fighting these new niggas
19:27These is-is niggas, bruh
19:29I'm telling you
19:30These is-is niggas ain't bullshittin'
19:33Yeah, they cut a nigga head off right there on the news
19:38I'm on the other line like
19:40Is-is hell yeah
19:41Capital I, capital S
19:42Capital I, capital S
19:43Capital I, capital S
19:44My nigga that's-is-is like a motherfucker
19:47I'm high, I'm like hell yeah, is-is-is
19:50We need a black news station, nigga let us just have the last five minutes of the news
20:07Last five minutes, we can wrap up all that shit
20:09White people got the information, it just take two goddamn long to get it out
20:14You ever try to watch the traffic report?
20:16If you're coming around to 285 on the north side, you're gonna get jammed up around the 400 area if you're trying to catch 85 south
20:23Need to hear all that shit, just need one nigga with a tank top to come on and be like bruh
20:27Just wait bruh
20:35Traffic fucked up right now
20:38You should've been little
20:46Better learn how to speak that shit
20:48Atlanta got some words don't mean shit nowhere but Atlanta
20:56That shit'll save your life bruh
20:59Like this one right here
21:01Fuck
21:03F-U-T
21:05Fuck
21:07You ain't never heard that shit? Shit you got me fucked up
21:11Bruh, learn that shit so you don't get killed out here in these streets
21:18That's the number two cause of murders in this city
21:22That's the number two cause of murders in this city
21:25The number one cause of murder in Atlanta is
21:29That fuck nigga tried me
21:31I ain't never leaving this bitch
21:37I ain't never leaving this bitch
21:41I ain't never leaving this bitch
21:46Bro, I love this city man, we got some fine ass cougars
21:54You don't know what a cougar is?
21:57Yeah, clap for the cougars, that's them older ladies
22:00Yeah, that's them older ladies who have a little pussy left over
22:04And they be sprinkling it to the young niggas
22:08To the young niggas
22:10I love a cougar, cougars don't care what you do after y'all have sex
22:14They'll just look at you, baby, if you leave, lock that door, yeah
22:17Bump that heat up a little bit, that there got me chillin'
22:21Whoo
22:23That's some chillin' dick you got there
22:30Yeah, them cooks, they talk all that freaky shit
22:33Thinking they can handle it, but they can't handle that shit
22:36They can have sex about five, six minutes
22:38Then they start complaining
22:41Young man, you can't put my leg up
22:43Uh uh, young man, you can't put my leg up like that now
22:47I had a surgery on that knee
22:49Uh uh, you can't keep pressing on that knee now
22:53I'ma put on it, see, told you, don't
22:56Well, stop pressing on it
22:58Stop pressing on it
23:02Them old cougars
23:05I was in the strip club, they had an old ass stripper in there
23:09Her stage name was Legend
23:13I was like, why they call you Legend?
23:15Cause I was in here when they built this damn club
23:17It was some scary shit, cause she had this little voice, she kept trying to flirt with me
23:31Why don't you come on in the back with Auntie?
23:35I was like, what? Yeah, come on in the back with Auntie
23:38I was like, why you calling yourself Auntie, first of all
23:41That's not making me wanna go
23:43Come on, come on in the back with Auntie, let me pull this pussy on you
23:48I said, what? She did the little old lady move, let me pull this pussy
23:53I started fucking with her, you ain't gonna scoop it, uh uh, I'm a poet
24:01So I let her pull it, okay
24:07Shit ain't cost me for $7
24:09Shout out to all the old school players in here, I see a few of y'all
24:16Shit got quiet, yeah
24:19Shout out to the old school players, man
24:22I always give a shout out to the old school players, cause y'all had it hard, man
24:26Out here chasing women, no Facebook, no Twitter
24:30No cell phone, all y'all had was hope
24:33I'm looking forward to being an old black man
24:40Ain't nobody cooler than an old black dude
24:43You ever speak to an old black dude, he'd change your whole week
24:47How you doing Mr. Calvin, how you doing?
24:50Shit, I can't call it, I might spoil it
24:52Shit
24:55You understand me? Shit
24:57Ain't no thing but a chicken wing, but if you give me some grease, I'll slide you in peace
25:04You heard what I said?
25:06Nephew, talk to me
25:08Shit
25:09Old players be out here
25:20I just wanna know at what age do y'all decide y'all gonna wear church shoes with everything?
25:26When does that just become the outfit?
25:30You ask the old dude about his shoes, he can't even stand on two feet no more
25:33What kind of shoes are them? You don't know nothing about that right there, boy
25:37Little young ass
25:42But that's where I'm at, though
25:43I'm starting to see the game from both sides
25:46Ain't no young ass dude, ain't no old ass dude
25:48I'm like right in the middle
25:50Like I can meet a 20-year-old chick with a 36-year-old mama fuck both of them
25:55Hey, y'all ain't got to judge me, I don't give a shit
25:59You don't know my life
26:03But I see the difference, man
26:05Like young dudes, real disrespectful
26:08Old dudes, like real sneaky
26:11Ladies, you can invite a young dude over your house, as soon as you close the door
26:15The dick is out, he ain't ask who was at home or nothing
26:19My mom in there, I fuck both of y'all, I don't care
26:22I brought enough dick for this whole family
26:24That's that young man shit
26:30Old dude be coming over there for three, four years
26:34Every Sunday, sitting on that one little spot
26:38Drinking water
26:40Looking for some shit to fix
26:42For some shit to fix
27:05Baby girl, come here, let me show you what I'm talking about
27:07Look here
27:08You see how that flow bubbles up
27:11When I press on it
27:14That whole flow got to come out of there
27:18Now what you doing Saturday, me and my brother Terry
27:22Come over here and put that flow in for you
27:25Cause...
27:27That whole flow got to come up out of there
27:30I know if that flow ain't no damn good
27:33Yeah, come here, look here, cause look
27:43That wall supposed to line up flush right there, see
27:47I got to take that whole damn wall out of there
27:51Sad to me and my brother Terry
27:54Hey, I'm Carlos Miller, come out here, man
27:55Who's Miller?
27:57Come out here okay
27:59Who's 16яни, 16...
28:01fick If the shit
28:04Who's 16 or 16...
28:19McS��