Have I Got News for You S69 E07
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00:00I'll be right back.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:38Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Stephen Mangan.
00:41In the news this week, near Pyongyang,
00:43army chiefs regret putting on a huge banquet for Kim Jong-un
00:48before he examined a new state-of-the-art submarine.
00:51LAUGHTER
01:00In Moscow, at Russia's May Day Parade,
01:02there's evidence that the president of Slovakia's piles
01:05have flared up again.
01:15And in Basel, during rehearsals for the Eurovision Song Contest,
01:19there are questions over how one performer in Moldova's entry
01:23made it past the censors.
01:40On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
01:42who recently won Pointless Celebrities,
01:44where she demonstrated her ability to score
01:46an unbelievably low number of points.
01:49That would be annoying for Ian, who normally gets loads.
01:52Please welcome Chloe Petz!
01:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:00On Paul's team tonight is a comedian and writer
02:03who played Satan in the sitcom Old Harry's Game.
02:06He had to stop as Satan's views gradually became seen as mainstream.
02:11Please welcome Andy Hamilton!
02:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:19We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:21Paul and Andy, here are yours.
02:23Right, that's got to be the most boring race I've ever seen.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:28Where did you get their flowers?
02:30LAUGHTER
02:31Oh, the traditional sword dance with the journalist missing.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:35Yes, it's Donald Trump in the Middle East.
02:40He was in Saudi Arabia where he was talking about...
02:43He's very impressed with the gold palaces.
02:45And he's also been given the present of a jet, a Boeing 747,
02:50which he's going to sort of use for presidential purposes.
02:52And then when he stops being president sometime in the year 2036,
02:56he will have it for his own personal use.
02:58But he's out there promoting peace by selling everyone warplanes.
03:01Yeah.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:04Yeah, massive arms deal.
03:05Yeah.
03:06Worth $142 billion.
03:08Lovely.
03:09It's nice, isn't it?
03:10Yeah, it's all right.
03:11That is according to him.
03:12Yes.
03:13Yes, exactly.
03:14The last deal he did, he announced it was worth $8 billion trillion
03:17and it turned out it wasn't.
03:19No.
03:20I mean, I'm not saying everything he says isn't true, but...
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24What did Trump spend 11 minutes doing?
03:26Was it praising the leader?
03:28He spent 11 minutes shaking hands
03:30with a seemingly never-ending queue of Saudi dignitaries.
03:33We've got some edited highlights of that...
03:35Oh, good.
03:36Oh, good.
03:37You want to see that?
03:38Yes, please.
03:39Here he is.
03:4211 minutes.
03:4311 minutes.
03:44Oh.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:47Someone went a bit rogue.
03:51And there was an awkward moment when someone who wasn't welcome
03:54somehow got into the line.
03:56Let's have a look at that.
03:57LAUGHTER
04:02When he starts talking, there's a full 20 minutes where he goes
04:05through the election results in the US.
04:07Yeah.
04:08You can see the various heads of the Emirates and Saudi going,
04:11what?
04:13He goes through the regions and he tells them the swing.
04:16Wow.
04:17And he says, it was a brilliant election.
04:19Everyone's going...
04:20What?
04:21He's probably thinking, what's an election?
04:22Yeah.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:24APPLAUSE
04:26I mean, they showed a clip of him and there was an interpreter
04:33alongside him in the Middle East.
04:35I thought, what's the point of that?
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38How's he going to translate into Arabic?
04:40He's just said a whole string of words that...
04:42LAUGHTER
04:43I've no idea what they mean.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46Maybe you just saw Stitzer going like that.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49He said of the Saudi president, he said, handsome guy.
04:57Young guy.
04:59Strong guy.
05:00And it's just...
05:01You could get arrested for that there.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:05You've got to be very careful.
05:07But I quite like that that's the metric by which he's ruling
05:10a country, by hotness.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:14Also, he called him attractive, didn't he?
05:17Yeah.
05:18And that is what Macron tried to exploit.
05:21Do you remember in that first...
05:22That first term?
05:23Suddenly, you remember Macron was all over him,
05:25cuddling him and kissing him?
05:26Yeah, yeah.
05:27I think there's clearly...
05:28I don't remember.
05:29I can't remember that!
05:30Yeah!
05:31I was in a hotel and I put it on and there was just chatting.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:36I remember now.
05:37Yes, that's right, and Melania burst in on the bedroom
05:40and Macron and Trump were in bed together and Trump looked up
05:42and said, it's called diplomacy.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:46We've got a state...
05:48Do you think it's going to happen?
05:49I don't think the King's going to let that state visit happen.
05:52Do you not think?
05:53No.
05:54I think someone at the White House is going to get a phone call
05:56from one of the Prince's staff saying,
05:58oh, you won't believe what's happened.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03We've only found out that Windsor Castle's full of asbestos.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09What's wrong with Trump accepting a personal gift of a $400 million plane?
06:13Well, it's against the American Constitution, isn't it?
06:15It is, yeah.
06:16The presents aren't allowed.
06:18Well, there's a limit on the amount...
06:20Yes.
06:21..a value of a gift a government employee can accept.
06:23Any idea what that limit is?
06:25$45.
06:26It's $480.
06:27Oh, is it?
06:28Right.
06:29So he's not much over, then.
06:30It's close.
06:31It's close.
06:32He's also, like, illegal to assault women, but he also did that as well.
06:36So it's not really going to stop him, is it?
06:38Right.
06:39No, it's not.
06:40It's not.
06:41APPLAUSE
06:43Well, it said it goes to the Presidential Library.
06:45Yeah.
06:46There are very few libraries in this country that have their own planes.
06:49Yeah.
06:50If it's in a library, can you go there and ask to take it out?
06:53Yes.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:55Somebody has to stamp it.
06:57What's Trump giving in return for this $400 million?
06:59Well, this is what I want to know.
07:01Melania.
07:02Do we...?
07:03LAUGHTER
07:04Listen, have you seen Melania recently?
07:06She's not out there.
07:07She's not been seen.
07:08There's a funny new bump on the White House lawn, apparently.
07:16I just thought it'd be fun to start a rumour that she murdered his wife.
07:20Yeah.
07:21Well, in return, he's building a $4.2 billion golf course in the Qatari desert.
07:26So if he's building a golf course in the desert, aren't the sand traps
07:29going to be rather extensive.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:32He insists the Qatari's gift of a brand-new luxury airplane comes with
07:36no strings attached.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:39And the US presidential plane has been renamed Air Force UOS One.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44I thought it was going to be called Sleazy Jet.
07:46LAUGHTER
07:47Starmer's going to be furious, though, isn't he?
07:48Is he?
07:49With the Qataris.
07:50Because he appointed himself as Grobbler-in-Chief when he went along to the Oval Office, you
08:02know, and handed over that envelope containing his dignity.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:13Who else came on the Saudi trip with Trump?
08:15Elon Musk.
08:16He did?
08:17Yeah.
08:18Let's see how much fun Elon Musk was having.
08:19I bet he's having a great time.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:23Musk was a keynote speaker at the US-Saudi Investment Forum, which sounds fascinating.
08:34What cheery prediction did he make?
08:36Was it AI?
08:37No.
08:38Musk said,
08:39Let's have a look at one of them.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:48They're very lifelike, apparently, these humanoid robots. They have detachable hands.
08:58For the Saudis.
08:59LAUGHTER
09:04At the end of the Investment Forum, the Times reported,
09:07The Crown Prince and the President shook hands as the village people's YMCA bled out.
09:12Just kiss already!
09:14I know.
09:15Well, the Saudi secret police were taking down the names of any locals who seem to know the dance.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:21What about China?
09:23Who are you doing there?
09:25It's like he's in the room, isn't it?
09:26It was.
09:27Yes, but we don't know who it is.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:31I'm you.
09:32I know.
09:33I'm you.
09:34It's John Inman, are you being served?
09:35LAUGHTER
09:36I'm free.
09:37Yeah, that's him.
09:38What about...
09:39Yeah.
09:40China?
09:41I'm free.
09:42How's the trade war been going?
09:43Both he and China have reduced the tariffs back down to 10% from being 300% each.
09:49So they've got reciprocal tariffs which are exactly the same.
09:52And beforehand they weren't anything.
09:54Yeah.
09:55So he's achieved nothing at all.
09:56LAUGHTER
09:57Who's going to the peace talks on Ukraine in Turkey?
10:00Not Putin.
10:01No.
10:02Yeah.
10:03Well, Trump says he might go.
10:04Right.
10:05But then he said he wouldn't go.
10:06I think this strategy that Putin had of keeping people guessing whether he's going...
10:11It's very unfair on the caterers.
10:12Yeah.
10:13Yeah.
10:14LAUGHTER
10:15President Trump won't be going and he said of Putin, why would he go if I'm not going?
10:19Because I wasn't going to go, but I wasn't planning to, but I would go, but I wasn't planning
10:23to go and I said I don't think he's going to go if I don't go.
10:26Like, oh, my God, Dan.
10:27You're so right.
10:28He's such a bitch.
10:29But you should...
10:30APPLAUSE
10:32This is the news that Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia
10:39welcomed Crown Prince Donald bin Fire of America.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:49Trump was accompanied by several US businessmen, including Elon Musk,
10:52who had come to Saudi Arabia hoping to sell a lot of driverless cars,
10:56particularly to women.
10:58LAUGHTER
11:00Qatar has presented Trump with a lavish gift in the form of a $400 million
11:04Boeing jumbo jet described as a palace in the sky, prompting Camilla
11:08to say to Charles, you may need to give him something else to go with
11:11the Dutchie originals, marmalade.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:14Ian and Chloe, here are yours.
11:17That's it.
11:18Come to me, that's Enoch Powell.
11:21That's him looking out to sea, looking for ideas.
11:24There's Yvette Cooper doing something or other.
11:27It looks like that man's holding a lactation vise and this man looks like
11:29he can lactate beer.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33Oh, that's a horrible image.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:36You're welcome.
11:37Oh, wow.
11:38Nigel Farage with beer spouting from his breasts.
11:41He's going to stay with me.
11:43I think that's lovely.
11:45LAUGHTER
11:47What's going on here?
11:48The Labour Party have decided that now is the time to get tough on
11:53immigration.
11:54And Starmer made it absolutely clear that this has got nothing to do
11:57with reform winning all the seats in the local election and losing
12:01the by-election.
12:02And this is what all new governments do in this country.
12:04They come in and they say, we're going to stamp down on immigration.
12:07Then they find out that quite a lot of industries need workers.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:13And particularly the care industry.
12:16Quite often their answer is, oh, AI will fix all this, isn't it?
12:20Yeah.
12:21But AI won't empty the bins and the bedpans, you know.
12:24AI is...
12:25Oh, you don't know.
12:26I mean, you say that.
12:27I mean, I can imagine a robot saying, had another piss this morning.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:35Salute you if it takes away your piss in a bucket.
12:38LAUGHTER
12:39That's my dream.
12:40LAUGHTER
12:43He had two options, right?
12:44He could sort of go the way of reform or he could rebel against reform.
12:47Yes.
12:48And he's just sort of...
12:49He's gone round the back of the bins and been like, all right,
12:51Nige, you know, sort of...
12:52Yeah.
12:53Nige is there smoking his cigar.
12:55Nige is probably having a watermelon vape.
12:57LAUGHTER
13:02We keep saying on this show, the number of illegal immigrants
13:05is very small, the number of legal immigrants is very, very large
13:08and the Conservatives let in, you know, in 2023, 900,000 people.
13:13So, if you're letting in a million people in a year,
13:15in 10 years that's 10 million, in 20 years, which isn't that long,
13:18you've added a third again to the country.
13:21So, you do have to do something.
13:23Well, I mean, we should have a sort of Churchillian spirit,
13:25because during the war we managed to stop the Germans getting here,
13:27didn't we?
13:28Yeah.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30So, you're saying everyone's welcome apart from Germans?
13:33Is that...
13:34Is that your immigration?
13:35That could be a slogan, certainly.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:39What, stop the crowds?
13:40Yeah.
13:41Yeah.
13:42I think that's a bit racist.
13:43Up yours for it to do for me.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45The actual measures, one of them is, as I understand it,
13:49that you won't be able to get into Britain unless you have
13:53a decent command of English.
13:55So, I think that's a lot of British holidaymakers
13:57who are not going to get...
13:58LAUGHTER
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00That's the end.
14:03That's rather snobbish, Andy.
14:08Yeah, there is a...
14:09Yeah, no, there is a snob inside me.
14:12LAUGHTER
14:14Clive Cymru MP Liz Saville-Roberts had a question for the
14:19Prime Minister in PMQs.
14:21Shall we take a look at Liz in action?
14:24Yeah.
14:25So, I ask him, is there any belief he holds
14:29which survives a week in Downing Street?
14:32Yeah.
14:33Yes, the belief that she talks rubbish.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:38Mr Speaker...
14:41That was a good comeback.
14:43Yeah!
14:44And the bloke sitting next to her turned around and said,
14:46he got you there, didn't he?
14:47LAUGHTER
14:49I believe that's called a drive-by.
14:51Yeah.
14:52According to Robert Ford, professor of political science...
14:55He knows nothing.
14:56..at Manchester University.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:58Bob.
14:59What did he say? Any ideas?
15:00He said, I haven't been sober for a month.
15:02LAUGHTER
15:04He said, ratcheting up the language may be a mistake,
15:06as holding vehemently anti-immigration views
15:08isn't all that common among Labour voters.
15:10He told The Guardian,
15:12in some ways they're shouting in an empty pub
15:14when all the customers moved to the Farage Arms months ago.
15:17Or, to give it a real-life example,
15:19the Talbot pub in Blackpool,
15:21the UK's first reform pub.
15:24Right, I'm down at the Talbot reform pub, Blackpool.
15:29Is that a bit of painting, Don?
15:31It looks like a real pub with atmosphere, doesn't it?
15:33LAUGHTER
15:34Is it a converted crematorium?
15:36LAUGHTER
15:37But they only serve bitter.
15:39LAUGHTER
15:41APPLAUSE
15:42What's the latest calamity being blamed on Ed Miliband's net zero targets?
15:49No, what's he done now?
15:51Curry houses are doomed.
15:53No!
15:54Doomed!
15:55Doomed?
15:56We're all doomed.
15:57According to The Sun,
15:58Shadow Energy Secretary Andrew Bowie said...
16:17Hello, Andrew. Are you OK?
16:19LAUGHTER
16:22The Papadon Pirate.
16:23Hey, thank you.
16:25Staying with climate news,
16:26what a weather forecast warning is on the horizon?
16:28Drought.
16:29Yes, a spring drought is predicted.
16:31Yes.
16:32Which is a worry for farmers.
16:33Yes, it is.
16:34Especially in Norfolk.
16:35This farmer, he apparently grows the country's entire supply of Kit Kats.
16:40Across many parts of the UK, the land is looking parched.
16:43On the ground, it already feels like a drought.
16:46Yes, this is Keir Starmer's controversial speech on immigration.
16:50Keir Starmer warned that Britain was at risk of becoming
16:53an island of strangers.
16:55Good, said every Londoner,
16:56while not looking up from their iPhone.
16:58LAUGHTER
16:59Among the reforms that Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has introduced
17:02is a plan to allow migrants in,
17:04but only if they can do graduate-level jobs.
17:07So that's bar work and pole dancing.
17:10LAUGHTER
17:12Time now for round two.
17:13Having travelled the length and breadth of the country
17:15looking for Britain's most talented artists,
17:17I'm delighted to introduce the animal portrait...
17:20LAUGHTER
17:22..of news.
17:23Fingers on buzzers, teams!
17:25BUZZER
17:28Somewhere across the other side of the building,
17:30a toilet has just flushed.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:34Has there been somebody up there for 35 years
17:36just waiting for this opportunity?
17:38BUZZER
17:40It's a duck that's been tied to a large lump of cheese.
17:43LAUGHTER
17:45Nope.
17:46It's a duck that's been filmed.
17:47Is that a camera?
17:48Yeah, it's a camera.
17:49Speed camera.
17:50A duck's been speeding.
17:51Speed camera.
17:52Is the right answer.
17:53What?
17:54A duck...
17:55A duck...
17:56A duck in Switzerland has been caught speeding
17:58in the town of Koenitz,
18:00on a speed camera travelling at 32 miles an hour
18:02in a 20 mile an hour zone.
18:03LAUGHTER
18:04Here is the evidence.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07Well, we can't see it moving there,
18:09so that's not holding up in a quarter look.
18:11Right.
18:12That could be the answer to all speeding camera fines,
18:14couldn't it?
18:15LAUGHTER
18:16This may not be the first defence this particular duck has committed.
18:19No, I wouldn't have thought so.
18:20What else is it suspected of doing?
18:22Shoplifting.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:25Bigamy.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:28That is, isn't it?
18:29You want to say yes, don't you?
18:31I do.
18:32I wish it was bigamy.
18:33Yeah.
18:34I think this is the second time this duck has been caught speeding.
18:36Really?
18:37Yeah.
18:38A duck was caught speeding by the same camera,
18:41at the same speed,
18:43on the same day seven years ago.
18:46Whoa.
18:47Are they sure it's the same duck?
18:49Well, let's have a look.
18:50Looks like the same duck to me.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:53That's the same duck.
18:54That is the same duck.
18:56It is, isn't it?
18:57Local police have put a quack team on the case.
19:00LAUGHTER
19:03Is that why we did this question?
19:05Literally.
19:06For that joke.
19:07This is a duck in Switzerland,
19:09caught speeding at 32 miles per hour.
19:11In fact, the only time a duck travels faster and more recklessly
19:14is if it's travelling with hoisin sauce and pancakes
19:16on the back of a Deliveroo bike.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19That's true.
19:20That is true.
19:21That's good.
19:22That's scientific.
19:23Mm.
19:24LAUGHTER
19:25Your career has come to this.
19:26I went to RADA.
19:27Fingers on buzzers, please.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30They've been filming chimpanzees in the wild and they discover that the chimpanzees self-medicate
19:37and also there was a baby chimpanzee that was rubbing a leaf on a wound that its mother had
19:42and this has not been observed before and it shows that chimps are very well aware of which plants are medicinal.
19:47Yeah.
19:48And they know it's an early health system because there are queues of chimps throughout the whole jungle about five miles long.
19:55Lead researcher Dr Elodie Freeman of Oxford University is very excited by these findings.
20:00If you plop me down in this forest without food or medicine, I doubt I'd last very long but chimpanzees thrive there.
20:06Yeah, but isn't that because they're chimpanzees?
20:09LAUGHTER
20:11What else did researchers observe chimps practising?
20:16Is it that they wipe their butts?
20:19Yes.
20:20With leaves?
20:21Yeah.
20:22Is it?
20:23Yeah, they exhibit self-care practices.
20:24They wipe their bottoms and they observed cleaning up after sex.
20:29Hopefully using different leaves.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:32When you say cleaning up, do they do laundry?
20:35LAUGHTER
20:37Can I just say that using a leaf to wipe your...
20:41I did that when I was a Boy Scout.
20:43LAUGHTER
20:44That's what you did.
20:45What badge were you going for?
20:47LAUGHTER
20:48I was going for the self-care arsewipers badge.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:54Chimps aren't the only ones to be learning first aid.
20:56Here's the King preparing for every eventuality before breaking the news to Andrew
21:00that he's finally being evicted from the Royal Lodge.
21:04This is the news that chimps give each other first aid and wipe their bottoms.
21:18They don't fancy a job in a care home, do they?
21:21It's very rare for a primate to enjoy close proximity to the bottom of another great ape,
21:25but Keir Starmer does his best with Donald Trump.
21:28Time now for the odd one-out round, just one between you this week.
21:31Right.
21:32Yes, this must be about name changes, isn't it?
21:34So, the Gulf of Mexico, Trump has called it the Gulf of America, and Google in America
21:45has been one of the companies that said, yes, it's called the Gulf of America,
21:49until Trump goes.
21:50It'll end up being the Gulf of Donald.
21:53Yes.
21:54Oh, I don't want to see the Gulf of Donald, do you?
21:56LAUGHTER
21:57Meghan, she can't call herself a Royal Highness, can she?
22:01But she has done.
22:02W.H. Smith, they've sort of recently had to sort of come off the high street.
22:06They used to be W.H. Smith and Son a long time ago.
22:08And Tata Sauce has changed its name by reversing the letters.
22:11It's become Rat Rat Sauce.
22:12LAUGHTER
22:13That would be good, wouldn't it?
22:14Yeah.
22:15It is about changing, and she sent her card to a friend...
22:17That's right.
22:18..and then put it online.
22:19She's not meant to call herself a Royal Highness, but she did on this card,
22:22and so she's the odd one out.
22:23Is the right answer.
22:24Yeah.
22:25APPLAUSE
22:27When Meghan and Harry moved abroad, Buckingham Palace issued a statement
22:31saying the Sussexes will not use their HRH titles,
22:33as they are no longer working members of the royal family.
22:36But then this was spotted on a gift basket of ice cream
22:39and homemade strawberry sauce sent by the Duchess.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:43And a lovely letter M for me.
22:51What is Prince Harry not happy about now?
22:54Is this his security?
22:55Yeah.
22:56Well, he lost a court case.
22:58Yeah.
22:59He lost in the appeal case and he complained about it again.
23:02Yeah, that's exactly right, yeah.
23:04He lost his case twice for automatic police protection when in the UK.
23:07Three senior judges rejected his appeal in a ruling labelled
23:11Crown versus Ginger Bollocks.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:15Although our lawyer has told us that we shouldn't say Ginger Bollocks.
23:19He's asked us to point out Crown versus Ginger Bollocks
23:23should be the other way round. Ginger Bollocks versus Crown.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:28All of Britain's High Street WH Smith stores are to be renamed
23:32after their sell-off to Hobbycraft owner Medela.
23:35They've been taken out by a company called Jones.
23:37They're going to be called T.G. Jones.
23:40T.G. Jones, yes.
23:41Yeah.
23:42I know what you're thinking, Ian.
23:43Didn't he play centre-half for Everton in the 40s?
23:45And you're right, T.G. Jones did. Here he is.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:50What have Heinz changed the name of their Tartar sauce to?
23:53What was the problem with Tartar sauce?
23:55I mean, don't get me started.
23:56OK, all right.
23:57It's now got to be known as, for some reason,
23:59Fish and Chips sauce.
24:02Oh!
24:03According to Heinz's, and this is a real job,
24:06director of taste elevation...
24:09LAUGHTER
24:12..and his name is Thiago Rapp...
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15Put C in front of that and you've got a very accurate name.
24:18Yeah.
24:19The sauce has been crafted to be the perfect companion
24:22for every fish-filled occasion.
24:25Is anyone here partial to a fish-filled occasion?
24:28LAUGHTER
24:29How is the new fish-and-chip sauce different
24:31from the old sauce, the old Tartar sauce?
24:33Is it exactly the same?
24:35It's exactly the same.
24:36The same basic ingredients as the original Tartar sauce
24:39and was described by Heinz as Tartar 2.0.
24:43Oh!
24:44Oh!
24:45Fuck everything.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:51They have all changed their name,
24:52apart from the Duchess of Sussex,
24:54who was still using her HRH title,
24:56despite being told not to.
24:58Meghan has admitted calling herself Her Royal Highness
25:00to a select group of friends,
25:02also to some neighbours,
25:03to her business associates on her LinkedIn,
25:05her email signature,
25:06all her gas, water, electricity and broadband bills,
25:09as well as her Walmart loyalty card.
25:11LAUGHTER
25:12Harry's court case has cost him £1.5 million,
25:15which hopefully Meghan can cover
25:17by selling 15 pots of jam.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:21Time now for the missing words round,
25:23and we start with...
25:26World's biggest veneers?
25:29LAUGHTER
25:30Breaks world record for being a diamond geezer!
25:33LAUGHTER
25:34The answer is...
25:35Here is David Nock with his world record winning £105 carp.
25:42Wow.
25:43Now, that is a fish-filled occasion.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46Yes.
25:47That means...
25:48Yes.
25:49Absolutely.
25:50This week, a man fishing in Lake Windermere
25:53also netted a massive carp,
25:55although that later turned out to be a typo.
25:58LAUGHTER
26:00Next,
26:02Adventurous Pensioner plans to spend six weeks what?
26:05Wearing somebody else's teeth.
26:07LAUGHTER
26:08No.
26:09Trying to remember his pin code.
26:11Adventurous Pensioner plans to spend six weeks circumnavigating Britain by bus.
26:18Oh.
26:19This is brother John Green.
26:21During his journey through Norfolk,
26:23he sampled the famous crabs of Cromer.
26:26Yes, those bus seats can be a bit unhygienic.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:31Finally, cat which went missing for three weeks, what?
26:34Lived on beer, I saw this story, in deal.
26:36Is the right answer.
26:38Leah, the cat, was trapped under the neighbours' floorboards for three weeks
26:41and was found with a half-drunk can of French lager nearby.
26:43Here is Leah, the cat, after being rescued.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:48As you can see, absolutely delighted.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52As was her owner.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:56As soon as the cat went missing, the owners put up posters,
26:58though, unfortunately, the only picture they had
27:00was one the cat had texted her boyfriend in private.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:09So, the final scores are...
27:11Ian and Chloe have three, but Paul and Andy are this week's winners
27:14with nine!
27:15APPLAUSE
27:17That's a comparison. I know.
27:19But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:22Camilla plants a friend for Charles to talk to.
27:25LAUGHTER
27:26In a moment of compassion, Prince Andrew is given a much-needed drink.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:30APPLAUSE
27:32On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
27:34Ian Hislop and Chloe Petz, Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton,
27:36and I leave you with news that, at a nursery school in Michigan,
27:39one player throws a tantrum, insisting they did win that game of snap.
27:44LAUGHTER
27:46In a crime crackdown in Bolivia, the nation's three most prolific shoplifters
27:55are paraded through the streets.
27:57LAUGHTER
27:59And in Regent's Park, at their annual group outing,
28:01a member of the Society of the Hard of Hearing shouts,
28:03let's have a big cheer for the organisers.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:07Good night.
28:10APPLAUSE
28:12Back to award-winning comedy, Alma's Not Normal,
28:14for your peepers on BBC iPlayer.
28:16Just press red now.
28:17As the music mogul currently stands trial on charges he denies,
28:20Peepers will be on BBC iPlayer.
28:22APPLAUSE
28:25Back to award-winning comedy, Alma's Not Normal,
28:28for your peepers on BBC iPlayer.
28:31Just press red now.
28:32As the music mogul currently stands trial on charges he denies,
28:36Peep Diddy, the rising form of the rapper.
28:38Watch now.
28:39APPLAUSE
28:41APPLAUSE