Honest Cooking Tutorial
Transcript
00:00 Oh, hi. Welcome to this tutorial on how to cook a great healthy dinner.
00:06 Cooking is a super fun pastime to do about once a month for a brief respite from the overwhelming guilt you feel about
00:13 wasting all of your money getting food delivered to you every single night.
00:16 Like seriously, what are you, some kind of princess or something?
00:19 Let's get started.
00:20 Okay, it's time to get our ingredients ready.
00:23 So if you're like me, you probably already have a pantry stocked with the essentials.
00:27 You know, one old jar of tomato sauce that's growing blue fuzz on it,
00:31 and maybe like a weird novelty vodka that someone left at your house after a party.
00:36 So you're probably going to want to close that and then try and build up the massive emotional energy it takes to go to the grocery store
00:43 where you'll wander the aisles and eventually just buy a random selection of ingredients that you think might go together.
00:49 Now, you can choose to use a recipe if you like, or you can get weirdly neurotic about how only cooking posers use recipes,
00:55 and you should be able to just fly by the seat of your pants and like toss a little of this and a little of that into the pan
01:01 like a stereotype of an Italian grandmother.
01:03 So after you go shopping, the first thing you're going to do is start chopping up your aromatics, like your garlic or onions.
01:09 You're just going to toss those in the pan with a little olive oil and maybe set the mood with some music too.
01:14 Now, let's just take a second to be really disproportionately proud and smug that you're cooking dinner for yourself, like a grown-up.
01:22 Like, you have a wooden spoon. You're basically like Amy Adams in that movie "Julie and Julia,"
01:28 except for less of a selfish bitch than her character was.
01:31 Seriously, what was up with that? She was so mean to her fiancé in that movie.
01:35 So this level of cooking should last for 30 seconds to maybe a minute at the outside,
01:41 because at that point you'll probably be a little tired from like stooping over the cutting board
01:45 and you won't be able to hear your music anymore over the weirdly loud sizzling of the garlic.
01:50 And those two things, plus the fact that you're probably really hungry at this point,
01:53 should combine to just make you like super unpleasant and cranky about this whole endeavor.
01:57 That means it's time for an appetizer!
02:00 Eat the dessert that you bought at the grocery store for later.
02:03 What are you going to do, not give yourself energy to cook?
02:05 By the way, you don't need really fancy schmancy pots or pans to cook a great dinner.
02:10 You just need the one pot or pan that you want to use to be in the sink and dirty
02:14 because your roommate didn't clean it after using it.
02:16 That way you can get really privately angry at your roommate for not washing it,
02:20 so you have to wash it for them, and then bitterly resolve to leave it in the sink,
02:23 dirty, like where you found it, because why should you have to wash it twice?
02:27 Great work.
02:28 Okay, so cooking a good meal is all about timing.
02:31 Generally speaking, you always want to start with the ingredients that are fastest to cook
02:35 so they have plenty of time to get cold while you're doing the rest.
02:38 Feel like a real cook for a second as you taste something to see if it needs more spices.
02:45 Then remember that you've been standing in the spiced fumes this whole time,
02:48 so there's no way for you to be objective about how strong that flavor is.
02:52 Decide to just use a little bit of each of the spices you guys have in the spice cabinet
02:56 from the one time when your roommate cooked a fancy dinner for his girlfriend.
02:59 Parsley, organic smoked black peppercorns, cumin, and red chili pepper.
03:07 Sounds like a reasonable flavor profile.
03:11 Make sure you use either too little so it tastes like bland cardboard,
03:15 or too much so that it tastes like burnt acid cardboard.
03:18 Around this point, you probably have already gotten super hot from standing in the kitchen
03:22 with the stove and the oven both on, so you just walk away.
03:25 It's going to be like ten minutes until the water boils anyway.
03:28 You can just start watching an episode of Bob's Burgers or something on Hulu.
03:32 This will also have the side benefit of making you forget about what you're doing
03:37 and then let the pasta water boil over.
03:41 Congratulations. You messed up pasta.
03:44 Now you should be just about ready to indiscriminately pour all of your ingredients together in a bowl,
03:49 like a pig eating from a trough.
03:51 If you're using a prepared ingredient like tomato sauce or beans or something,
03:55 a great tip is to be too lazy to get another bowl dirty and just pour that over your food cold
04:00 so that it gets all your other food cold too.
04:02 Now, wolf it all down really fast.
04:04 Like, in one millionth of the time it took you to cook it.
04:08 Try really hard to convince yourself that you like the taste of what you're eating.
04:11 And whatever you do, don't think about the fact that it would have been cheaper to just get delivery.
04:16 Because obviously you'll end up saving money because you can eat tonight's leftovers for the whole week.
04:20 I'm just kidding. You're not going to do that. You're going to eat them all immediately.
04:25 Thanks for watching!