They sounded good at the pitch meeting!
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00:00 We're almost in a sort of revivalist period for horror movies.
00:03 We have been since, like, 2016, at least in terms of box office performance and major
00:08 studio attention.
00:09 But it's not all plain sailing just yet.
00:11 There are still plenty of times that we've got our hopes up looking at something that
00:15 has great potential, only to head out to see it and find that it's just a flaming garbage
00:20 fire.
00:21 It's always good advice to expect the worst so, whatever happens, you won't be disappointed.
00:25 Especially when it comes to being a fan of horror movies.
00:27 I'm Amy from WhatCulture, and here are 9 Promising Horror Movies That Totally Sucked.
00:33 9.
00:34 The Veil Coming from the director that brought us State
00:36 of Grace and Heaven's Prisoners, and starring Jessica Alba in the cast for some reason,
00:41 if nothing else, we thought that The Veil could be quite fun.
00:44 It could maybe be one of the horrors that you watch once in an evening, you have a nice,
00:47 easy, fun time, and then you just never think about it again.
00:50 Disappointingly, though, the film would provide no such light enjoyment.
00:53 The Veil, in fact, was so disappointing that Blumhouse let it slip out unnoticed on DVD.
00:59 The film takes place 25 years after a mass suicide at the Heaven's Veil cult.
01:03 The sole survivor of the incident returns to the site with a camera crew, who discover
01:07 videotapes dating back to 1985.
01:09 So at its core, it's another horror movie about watching people watch tapes, and that's
01:14 about as interesting as it sounds.
01:16 But cults are usually interesting, they give you lots to work with, especially with their
01:20 charismatic leaders.
01:21 However, the film's cult head Jim Jacobs - I wonder who that's based on - doesn't
01:25 live up to his potential.
01:27 In fact, it's difficult to take the guy seriously when the person he reminds you of
01:30 most is Val Kilmer in True Romance.
01:33 Eccentric rather than frightening, he's one of several missteps the film makes with
01:37 what should have been an easy premise to deliver on.
01:40 8.
01:41 The Darkness
01:42 You wouldn't expect Greg McLean, who also made Wolf Creek, to take the reins on a PG-13
01:47 horror movie.
01:48 Sure enough, the critics wondered if he was phoning this one in.
01:51 Originally titled 6 Miranda Drive, The Darkness stars Kevin Bacon and Rauda Mitchell as a
01:56 couple who return home from a Grand Canyon vacation to find their lives invaded by a
02:01 supernatural presence.
02:03 That'll cause you so much stress you may as well just go back on holiday straight after.
02:06 Needless to say, the film was incredibly disappointing.
02:09 One critic called the movie "pretty much a total bust.
02:12 Apparently, it isn't scary, it isn't exciting, and it plods along at such a snail's pace
02:17 that even though it clocks in at just over 90 minutes, it plays like it runs at least
02:22 twice that."
02:23 The cast is good, and McLean does what he can with the material, as it's his first
02:27 film that he didn't write himself.
02:29 But the results are thin and predictable at best, and an absolute waste of your time at
02:34 worst.
02:35 7.
02:36 Knock Knock
02:37 Knock Knock promises a great deal.
02:38 It's a remake of a 70s home invasion thriller directed by Eli Roth and starring Keanu Reeves.
02:44 But despite the men's name value, Lionsgate still sent the movie out to On Demand.
02:49 One reason for that might be that it's neither your typical Roth movie nor your typical Keanu
02:53 fare.
02:54 The film does occasionally get nasty, but it's nothing compared to what we usually
02:57 expect from Roths - stuff like Hostel or The Green Inferno.
03:01 The biggest problem is Keanu himself, who simply doesn't register as a happily married
03:05 businessman being tortured by two girls whilst his wife and daughter are away.
03:09 I know that's a very specific thing to fit, but you'll just have to take my word for
03:13 it.
03:14 Keanu is a great actor and he's had plenty of iconic roles, but this one just wasn't
03:18 for him.
03:19 In Knock Knock, he's perfectly game as a family man, but you can't help but think
03:22 he's being stifled.
03:24 6.
03:25 The Lazarus Effect
03:26 Coming out in 2015, The Lazarus Effect opened to a decent box office and pleasant reviews,
03:32 paving the way for us to get quite excited for what we thought could be a good movie.
03:36 Unfortunately, though, as quickly as the movie sets itself up, it also goes off the rails,
03:40 and it never quite recovers.
03:42 The problem is that the film thinks it's a modern Frankenstein, but even by the standards
03:46 of PG-13 horror, it's pretty creaky and pedestrian.
03:49 Like we've seen a million times before, the movie sees a team of researchers find
03:54 a way to bring the dead back to life.
03:56 As is always the case, they've only done it on animals, and they've never done it
03:59 on humans.
04:00 So, if you were to guess the plot point that comes next is that one of them accidentally
04:03 dies and has to be brought back to life, and they're probably a romantic interest of
04:07 some kind, you'd be right.
04:09 The lead researcher's girlfriend dies in an accident, and then when they revive her,
04:13 she returns as some sort of monster.
04:15 It's nothing new, it's not particularly scary, and honestly it just blends into a
04:20 sea of identical movies.
04:22 5.
04:23 Maggie
04:24 Arnold Schwarzenegger in a zombie movie, you say?
04:27 Sign us up!
04:28 I bet it's loaded with action, explosions, and a bit where Arnie shoots his zombie wife
04:32 and delivers a really cool line.
04:35 Oh, no?
04:36 Oh, my bad.
04:37 Unfortunately, Maggie features none of this.
04:39 Instead, it consists of Arnie moping around whilst his daughter slowly succumbs to infection
04:44 after being bitten.
04:45 It's kind of like a zombie movie for people who don't enjoy zombie movies, but not in
04:49 a good way.
04:50 Back in the 90s, Arnie was being mooted as a possible lead in the long-gestating remake
04:54 of I Am Legend, and if he'd done that movie instead of End of Days, then he would have
04:58 been taking on zombies with machine guns, a very different approach from the version
05:02 that eventually starred Will Smith.
05:04 Maggie's lack of firepower turns out to be a bad idea, because if ever a movie needed
05:08 endless sequences of the Austrian Oak mowing down hordes of flesh-eaters, it's this one.
05:13 4.
05:14 The Gallows
05:15 It's yet another found-footage offering from Blumhouse, and by now you know the drill.
05:20 Dull characters run around screaming, the jump scares are routine, and a sense of déjÃ
05:25 vu hangs over the whole movie.
05:27 In 1993, a student dies in a hanging stunt gone wrong during the production of a play
05:31 called The Gallows.
05:32 20 years later, the school attempts to put on the play again to mark the anniversary
05:36 of the accident.
05:37 For some reason, as if that's even remotely tasteful.
05:40 So yeah, if you've seen any horror movie ever before, you know that nothing can go
05:44 wrong with that.
05:45 It's led by the usual bunch of annoying, interchangeable teens who document everything
05:50 with cameras, including the sudden arrival of a barely-glimpsed assailant who wields
05:54 a noose.
05:55 There's some funny goings-on, we're talking bizarre telephone calls, assaults by an unseen
05:59 force, etc, but the movie never really cranks it up to full-on terror or delivers a particularly
06:05 scary experience.
06:06 Looking at the trailer, we may have expected better, but at that point, is that just our
06:10 fault?
06:11 3.
06:12 Cabin Fever
06:13 Eli Roth's 2002 original is a wild and crazy homage to 70s exploitation cinema, whose narrative
06:20 often seemed to go off in several directions at once, packing in horror, comedy, splatter,
06:24 and surrealism.
06:25 In the right hands, a remake could really be something.
06:28 Alas, Cabin Fever 2016 not only failed to bring anything new to the party, but it's
06:33 so flat and dispiriting that you'll be convinced you're watching a cheap knock-off of The
06:37 Asylum.
06:39 Characters you couldn't care less about wander through a narrative that's been nipped and
06:42 tucked beyond belief, and in the process, the filmmakers have somehow excised whatever
06:46 charm the original possessed.
06:49 Despite working from the same script, with enough changes to make it contemporary, of
06:52 course, the filmmakers have made a movie whose soullessness will numb the unprepared viewer.
06:57 Cabin Fever is a classic, and it was such a shame to see it be done so dirty.
07:01 2.
07:02 Cell
07:03 The kind of dour movie that might just put you off Stephen King adaptations for life,
07:07 Cell reunites John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson, but it's a definite step down from their
07:11 last collaboration in 1408.
07:14 The plot is typical King, when a mysterious cell phone signal transforms the users into
07:18 bloodthirsty creatures, a group of survivors band together in New England, and eventually
07:22 encounter a villain known as the Raggedy Man.
07:25 Unfortunately, neither actor looks at home in this movie - which, by the way, plays out
07:29 like standard-issue cable fare before falling apart altogether in the final 20 minutes.
07:34 And if that doesn't sound bad enough, be aware that the director is Todd Williams,
07:38 the man who brought us Paranormal Activity 2.
07:41 Taking itself seriously at every turn, Cell lets its plot unfold without any irony or
07:46 surprises.
07:47 Eli Roth was reportedly in the running to direct, but dropped out due to creative differences,
07:51 and it's not difficult to see why.
07:53 If ever a movie could have used his sense of deranged fun, it's this one.
07:57 1. Blair Witch
07:59 Blair Witch comes from the Paranormal Activity school of sequels.
08:03 It takes all the gimmicks from the first film, adds a new cast, and pretends it's a new
08:06 movie.
08:07 It's a sign of just how desperate the movie is that its lead character is Heather's
08:11 brother, who, after 20 years, has decided to go back to the woods to look for her.
08:15 Some newly-discovered found footage gives him hope, making you wonder how closely he
08:19 actually bothered to watch the first film.
08:22 Come to think of it, if this movie is set in a world where the events portrayed in the
08:25 first movie really happened, then where does that leave the Book of Shadows?
08:29 Did the filmmakers want to plan a follow-up to that as well, where even more people go
08:33 back into the woods for no reason?
08:35 Blair Witch is essentially the 2016 remix version of the original, full of characters
08:39 that run away screaming "what was that?" or stand around calling each other's names.
08:44 It can't properly call itself a sequel because it follows pretty much the exact same plot
08:48 and shares its actual ending with the original.
08:51 One new cast eventually discover the house from the first film, and I think you can guess
08:55 what happens next.
08:57 It's just lazy.
08:58 And with that, we've reached the end of this list of 9 Promising Horror Movies That Totally
09:03 Sucked.
09:04 There are so many more out there that we could have put on this list, so let us know what
09:07 you would have included in the comments down below.
09:09 And remember to check out WhatCulture.com for more lists and articles like this every
09:13 single day.
09:14 As always, I've been Amy from WhatCulture, and I'll catch you next time.