"I have been in situationships as well. It's really...you're doing relationship things minus the actual relationship label, which I think makes it more confusing."
Ito ang pag-amin ng GMA News reporter at I-Witness host na si Mav Gonzales tungkol sa kanyang naging lovelife. Pero bakit kahit malabong usapan, pinasok pa rin Mav ang situationship? 'Yan ang pinag-usapan nila ni Doc Anna sa episode na ito ng #ShareKoLang.
Ito ang pag-amin ng GMA News reporter at I-Witness host na si Mav Gonzales tungkol sa kanyang naging lovelife. Pero bakit kahit malabong usapan, pinasok pa rin Mav ang situationship? 'Yan ang pinag-usapan nila ni Doc Anna sa episode na ito ng #ShareKoLang.
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NewsTranscript
00:00 They love to say "I love you", date and even kiss each other.
00:05 But they're just friends.
00:07 What are you? Friends on a premium?
00:10 You look like you, but you're not.
00:14 Maybe you're already in a "situation-ship".
00:18 From the words "situation" and "relationship",
00:22 a relationship that depends on the situation,
00:26 let's clarify your "MU" or "mixed-up relationship".
00:32 With the host of "Ita Mav Knows", Mav Gonzalez.
00:37 Hello, my dears.
00:47 I'm Dr. Anna Tuazon, your storyteller psychologist in "Shareko Lang".
00:51 We asked if you're worried about a relationship without a label.
00:56 We'll talk about your "shinere" with GMA News reporter,
01:01 anchor, and eyewitness host, Mav Gonzalez.
01:04 Hi, Mav. Welcome to "Shareko Lang".
01:07 Hi, good day.
01:09 I'm a bit nervous. Why is that the topic that's facing me?
01:13 Yes, we'll find out. I'm also curious.
01:17 Before we start,
01:18 because you're one of the younger and I think you're bringing in
01:23 that younger, fresher documentarist.
01:29 So what do you think are the stories or the lenses
01:34 that you're bringing in that I think can relate to the somewhat young,
01:40 not just Gen Z, let's not go there,
01:42 to the somewhat young, interested in relationships.
01:46 During the pandemic,
01:49 we were all at home, we had work from home for a bit of time.
01:53 So we thought,
01:55 "What if we made a web show about relationships?"
01:59 That's what Aunt Mav knows.
02:01 She just came from an Instagram post
02:04 and then it suddenly spiraled into a whole relationship-giving advice show.
02:09 And I think from there,
02:12 that's where the younger ones connect with me.
02:15 Actually, the younger ones are the ones who ask me.
02:17 And a lot of people my age also.
02:19 Because they don't have anyone to talk to
02:23 who can give them advice.
02:24 And I think at this point in time, in 2023,
02:28 I think the majority of dating-age people
02:31 have tried dating apps.
02:33 Like me, I tried dating apps.
02:37 A lot of my relationships came from there.
02:39 Actually.
02:41 So I have a generally positive view about it,
02:45 though not optimistic.
02:47 Can you tell us a little bit
02:50 about your experiences
02:53 with online dating,
02:55 and particularly dating in the modern age?
02:58 Actually,
03:00 I've had two relationships in my life.
03:02 And both were schoolmates.
03:05 So I've dated a lot of people from dating apps.
03:07 But like what you said,
03:10 you really have to sit through people on dating apps.
03:15 And for me,
03:17 I'm a bit picky with the people I talk to.
03:21 When I tried,
03:23 maybe for the first two messages,
03:27 I saw that there was no chemistry
03:29 or that they weren't enthusiastic.
03:32 And I end the conversation,
03:33 and then you move on to the next one.
03:35 Because of online dating,
03:37 you have a lot of options.
03:38 And you know,
03:40 especially if you just know each other,
03:41 there's really no commitment.
03:42 So it's okay to talk to other people.
03:44 But I think my mindset became more open
03:49 when it comes to meeting people.
03:51 And actually,
03:52 the people I met on dating apps
03:53 became my friends.
03:55 Because eventually, you'll know
03:57 that there's no romantic potential.
04:00 But you're driving,
04:01 you're getting along,
04:02 so they became your friends.
04:04 So I think online dating really
04:06 made me a more sociable person.
04:10 Because I met more people
04:14 and I talked to them.
04:16 Okay, you're openly talking
04:18 and entertaining.
04:20 Sometimes, multiple people at a time.
04:22 Because there's no commitment.
04:24 You're not officially dating yet.
04:26 And so I guess,
04:27 let's go to the topic,
04:28 which is,
04:29 they call it "situationships."
04:33 I know my age,
04:36 because I get it.
04:38 But for me,
04:39 it's complicated.
04:41 It's like "foo-boo" in some cases.
04:46 Or like, no labels.
04:50 Have you come across people
04:52 and their stories of something
04:54 like a "situationship"?
04:55 Yes.
04:56 And to be perfectly frank,
04:59 I have been in situationships as well.
05:01 So maybe,
05:03 our generic thing is right.
05:05 That a "situationship"
05:07 is a little bit more than
05:10 casual conversations every now and then.
05:12 It's really,
05:13 you're doing relationship things
05:15 minus the actual relationship label.
05:18 Which I think,
05:19 makes it more confusing.
05:22 Because when it comes to casually dating,
05:24 at least we know that
05:25 we're just like this,
05:26 we don't have commitments,
05:27 this and that.
05:28 But in "situationships,"
05:30 I feel like there's always
05:31 an underlying problem
05:35 that there's someone
05:37 who doesn't like commitment.
05:38 Or is afraid of commitment.
05:40 And of all the people I know
05:43 who are in situationships
05:45 or who have been in situationships,
05:47 the problem is that
05:49 they don't have the same level of "likes."
05:52 Like, one person wants to take it slow
05:55 because he's more career-oriented now,
05:57 but one wants a relationship now.
05:59 But then,
06:00 because the person is this,
06:01 I'm afraid that
06:02 "Oh my God, I don't want to meet
06:04 someone like this."
06:05 Or "Okay, I'll take what I can get."
06:07 "I'll just stay here
06:09 even if our relationship
06:11 doesn't have a label."
06:13 But then,
06:14 of course,
06:15 the more you talk to someone,
06:17 the more you hang out,
06:18 the deeper the connection gets.
06:20 But the level of commitment
06:23 does not follow.
06:23 It does not get deeper.
06:25 That's why
06:26 situationships become confusing.
06:28 And unfortunately,
06:30 among the people I know
06:32 who have been in situationships,
06:34 the failure rate is higher
06:37 than the success rate.
06:38 Because from the start,
06:40 they're already in a bad relationship.
06:42 And no one really dares
06:44 to rock the boat.
06:45 No one wants to ask
06:47 for fear of "Oh, this person is clingy."
06:49 Or "Oh my God, he might be scared
06:50 because I'm so aggressive."
06:52 Until the point where
06:54 for a few weeks or months,
06:56 or even a few years,
06:59 the person in the situationship
07:01 ends up getting heartbroken
07:03 because
07:04 they don't understand anything
07:07 up until the last moment.
07:09 Now, may I ask,
07:10 you don't have to divulge details.
07:13 What were your--
07:14 Do you remember
07:15 when you went into a situationship,
07:18 what were your--
07:19 What was your motivation?
07:21 Like, one of those that
07:22 "Oh, I'm not ready yet.
07:23 Let's just try."
07:24 Or, "I just want a little bit of companionship."
07:27 Or for you,
07:27 did it feel more like
07:29 a transition?
07:30 Like, "Okay, this is it."
07:31 And then if it goes well,
07:33 then we can have a label
07:35 and have full commitment.
07:37 Mm-hmm.
07:38 I think for me, personally,
07:39 more of you said that
07:41 it was like a transition.
07:42 Because from friends,
07:44 you've been talking for a while,
07:45 you're friends,
07:46 but it's like,
07:47 "Hey, it's possible."
07:48 And the situationship
07:50 is the middle ground
07:50 between your friendship
07:52 and a full-blown relationship.
07:54 And I think when you're in a situationship,
07:57 less pressure, maybe,
08:00 on both of you.
08:01 But when you're in a situationship,
08:03 it's like,
08:04 you're more individuals,
08:07 trying to see how well you
08:10 mesh into each other's lives.
08:12 And for me,
08:13 my problem was...
08:15 Um, how do you say this?
08:18 Well, for one,
08:20 it was long distance.
08:21 So the distance was a problem.
08:22 That was also part of the reason
08:24 why a situationship was good.
08:26 Because it's like,
08:27 "Let's see how this will go."
08:28 Because we're far from each other,
08:30 so I don't know
08:31 if this will have a future.
08:33 And instead of investing right away,
08:36 that, "Okay, we're in a relationship,
08:38 just the two of us."
08:39 That you don't know
08:40 where this will go.
08:41 Or if there's a long-term potential,
08:45 you choose to stay like this first.
08:48 And usually,
08:49 during a situationship,
08:51 if there are cracks,
08:52 the cracks will show.
08:54 That's why,
08:55 you also save yourself
08:57 some heartbreak.
08:58 Now, I'm wondering
08:59 because, like you said,
09:01 it's a way--
09:01 it's a less investment way
09:04 to test it out.
09:05 If you're really in a relationship,
09:07 can this really work out?
09:09 Um, and you said yourself,
09:11 you're a bit on the conservative side,
09:12 actually, so I'm curious.
09:14 Um, when you were in a situationship,
09:17 did you act as if, you know,
09:20 like, did you--
09:21 were you monogamous in that?
09:22 Maybe this,
09:23 other people can do this.
09:25 We had an agreement that
09:26 because we don't know yet
09:28 if the two of us are really--
09:30 and we are far away from each other,
09:32 you can entertain other people.
09:34 And it was the guy
09:35 who specifically told me this before,
09:37 that like--
09:38 because it was in the middle of the pandemic,
09:40 so like, there's no chance to meet.
09:41 So like, he--
09:43 Um, if ever you meet someone
09:45 who's close by,
09:46 and you want to pursue that,
09:48 it's okay.
09:49 Like, because I'm so far,
09:50 and I don't know when we'll see each other.
09:52 So we had that sort of
09:53 clean agreement
09:55 that we stuck to
09:56 up until the last moment.
09:57 So, we were both like that,
09:59 and it was a very--
10:02 I think a very adult way
10:03 to handle things.
10:05 Because a lot of people in situationships,
10:07 they tend to hide things
10:09 from the other person.
10:10 Like,
10:11 um,
10:12 the other person,
10:13 they thought they were just the two of them.
10:14 They thought you were monogamous,
10:16 because they're in a situation,
10:17 more than casual.
10:18 So I think if
10:20 ever you want to go into a situation,
10:22 you have to be very honest
10:24 with the other person.
10:25 If you're going to entertain other people,
10:28 or you're just the two of you
10:30 while you're trying this out.
10:31 So,
10:32 you know, Kapuso,
10:33 at the very least,
10:34 talk about your situation.
10:37 When you're in a situation,
10:38 don't act as if there is no situation
10:41 that you're in.
10:44 And so definitely,
10:45 in any relationship,
10:46 communication is key.
10:49 No matter how casual you are,
10:51 no label,
10:52 no structure,
10:53 it doesn't mean that you no longer talk.
10:57 Right?
10:57 Now, we did ask,
10:59 we asked our Kapuso,
11:01 if they're in favor or not.
11:03 So we have Kapuso
11:05 who really doesn't agree.
11:07 One of our Kapuso said,
11:09 "Not me.
11:10 I like to be clear
11:11 where we both are."
11:13 The other one said,
11:14 "No.
11:15 Never lower your standards
11:17 when you know you deserve a priority.
11:19 If he cannot show me to his family,
11:22 then it's a big no."
11:23 The other one said,
11:25 "No.
11:26 Once you agree to that setup,
11:28 your self-worth is already compromised."
11:31 And then the last one,
11:33 "In this day and age,
11:34 we should never settle for less.
11:36 If the person really loves you,
11:38 he will fight you until the end.
11:40 He won't be afraid to be committed to you."
11:43 Now, these responses,
11:46 it's not just a no.
11:47 For them,
11:49 they're getting less than what they deserve
11:53 in a situation.
11:54 What do you think about that argument
11:57 or that concern?
11:59 I think that's the kind of situation
12:01 where you know from the get-go
12:02 that you want a relationship.
12:05 But for some situations,
12:06 like for example,
12:08 the ones I've experienced,
12:10 we're both not sure
12:11 what we want out of this,
12:13 if this is even going to work.
12:15 That's why you end up in a situation.
12:17 But then for some people,
12:19 like the ones who commented,
12:22 their end goal is already a relationship
12:24 with the person.
12:25 And if they're going to go
12:27 to a situation,
12:28 they're already shortchanged.
12:30 Because they're ready to go all in
12:32 into a committed relationship
12:33 and the guy is not or the girl is not.
12:35 Now, for that,
12:37 you can already do what you want in life.
12:41 So unless you figure out
12:43 who will adjust,
12:45 I would suggest not to pursue
12:48 whatever you'll have with that other person.
12:51 Because one person will always feel
12:54 unappreciated or unloved
12:57 or unimportant
12:59 because they can't give what they want.
13:02 But if you're on the other side of the fence,
13:07 for example, you're the person
13:08 that's so busy with your career,
13:10 I don't know how this will work.
13:12 Then you also need to be clear
13:16 to the person who's in your situation
13:18 that this is all I can give
13:22 at this point in my life.
13:23 Yeah, so it doesn't make sense
13:26 that people who enter into situationships
13:29 or are open to such an arrangement
13:32 don't value commitment.
13:34 In some cases,
13:37 they take it so seriously
13:39 that they don't want to just commit lightly
13:41 to anyone.
13:43 Because in a way,
13:44 I'm more afraid of people
13:45 who say "I love you" right away.
13:47 Yeah.
13:48 Compared to people who are slow,
13:50 who take a long time to say "I love you."
13:52 Because at least by the time
13:52 they say "I love you,"
13:54 they've really thought about it.
13:55 They're serious about saying "I love you."
13:58 But it's like,
13:59 "Wait, we've only met twice,
14:01 and you already said 'I love you'?"
14:02 It's like, "You're so fast."
14:05 What do you call that?
14:06 Love bomber.
14:08 Mmm.
14:09 That's it.
14:10 It's like you just met,
14:12 and you already love each other.
14:13 It's like you're already in a relationship.
14:16 Mmm.
14:17 I was saying earlier,
14:19 there are a lot of people
14:20 who think it's a matter of self-worth.
14:23 And going for what you deserve.
14:27 But for others,
14:28 it's okay to just be okay with them.
14:30 One of our co-hosts said,
14:32 "Of course, no demand, no commitment,
14:34 no responsibility,
14:35 but be honest to each other."
14:37 Similar to what you said earlier.
14:39 Another said,
14:40 "Yes, as long as we don't
14:41 get jealous of other people,
14:44 it's okay."
14:45 Sometimes, if you're in a relationship,
14:48 tell both that you like each other
14:50 and there's a deep reason.
14:52 So I think most of them said,
14:55 "Yes, as long as you agree."
14:58 It's being ethical,
15:00 non-monogamy.
15:01 Meaning, if you're not monogamous,
15:03 it's agreed upon.
15:05 You're not hiding it from anyone.
15:08 You're not deceiving anyone.
15:10 And then for some,
15:11 they don't want the bother,
15:13 the downside of a full relationship.
15:16 Which is worrying,
15:17 trying to figure out if it's fateful.
15:20 So that's how they are.
15:21 Now, there are other people
15:23 who are more gender-neutral.
15:25 We said earlier,
15:26 guys and girls are just as likely
15:29 to run into issues in a relationship.
15:32 But there are people
15:34 who say,
15:36 "Women are more pitiful
15:38 in this kind of relationship."
15:40 One said,
15:41 "If you're in a relationship
15:43 and there's no label,
15:44 the woman will lose,
15:46 especially if she falls."
15:48 "There are men who are not serious
15:51 and they prefer to be fooled."
15:54 And another said,
15:55 "Only men are favored in this kind of relationship.
15:57 Women are pitiful in the end."
16:00 So I know,
16:01 for them,
16:03 now we're just showing,
16:04 actually, women
16:06 can genuinely want these situationships
16:09 for a variety of reasons.
16:12 But is it true that
16:15 there are more consequences,
16:18 more risks that women take
16:21 in these situationships?
16:24 I think,
16:26 well, one is, of course,
16:28 if you've had physical intimacy,
16:30 the woman loses in the sense that,
16:32 first, you're already with another man.
16:34 And second, what if you get pregnant?
16:37 And you're not in a committed relationship,
16:39 right?
16:39 The woman really loses in that situation.
16:42 But in terms of feelings,
16:43 I think both genders are very vulnerable
16:46 to be hurt
16:47 or feel like they're losing
16:51 in a situationship.
16:53 I think either party.
16:55 Because I also have female friends
16:57 who are in a situationship,
16:58 but they're the reason
16:59 why the relationship didn't progress.
17:02 So I think,
17:04 whether you're male or female,
17:06 you can be the one who loses
17:07 in a situationship.
17:08 You could be the party that wants more,
17:10 but cannot get more.
17:12 But I think,
17:13 women are more in touch
17:15 with our emotions.
17:17 We talk more.
17:18 So people know that,
17:19 "Ah, okay, they're a bit rocky."
17:22 Whereas guys,
17:23 they wouldn't really tell you that,
17:26 because it's a jahe.
17:27 Jahe is like losing masculinity
17:29 if you admit that you can't get
17:32 a commitment out of a girl
17:33 you've been pursuing for so long.
17:35 But I think in terms of being hurt,
17:38 how your feelings are affected,
17:39 it's just the same, Doc.
17:41 It's really...
17:44 for a man or a woman,
17:46 if they're not ready for a relationship,
17:48 they'll be stuck in a situationship.
17:52 I think it sets us up,
17:54 to be confused,
17:56 when we say a situationship
17:57 isn't a relationship.
17:59 Because when I say relationship,
18:01 it simply means
18:02 the two of you have an agreement
18:05 on something and have decided to share
18:08 something together.
18:09 But as long as you have
18:11 sort of an agreement,
18:12 I would say if you treat a situationship
18:15 as a relationship,
18:15 not necessarily as a monogamous one,
18:18 or as a committed one,
18:19 but it's like,
18:20 "Okay, we're still human to human connection.
18:24 We have feelings, we have needs,
18:25 we have limits."
18:26 What would you say to our fellow Filipinos
18:32 looking for love in 2023
18:35 with all of these options available?
18:38 I think whether you try to find love online
18:41 or offline,
18:42 which is the traditional way,
18:44 what's important for me is
18:47 you become honest.
18:50 Be honest with what you're prepared to give
18:53 and what you expect from the other person.
18:56 Don't say, "It's okay for me
18:58 to just go on a date every weekend."
19:01 When in fact, you're looking to get married this year.
19:04 And second,
19:06 be respectful of the other person,
19:08 of the other person's time and investment.
19:13 If you can't handle it,
19:14 you're the one to tell them
19:16 to stop it
19:17 because what you're giving is not equal.
19:21 And maybe if you're in a situationship
19:23 and you feel like you're the loser,
19:27 be prepared to walk away.
19:29 Even if you feel like,
19:30 "He's the one. He's the one.
19:32 He's my ideal person."
19:36 If he can't give you what you want,
19:39 be prepared to walk away.
19:40 And I'm sure if God has someone for you,
19:44 it would be the perfect person
19:46 who will give you what you want,
19:48 who will give you what you're looking for
19:50 in a person who's perfect.
19:53 And I think, especially for us women,
19:57 because they say--
19:58 I always get comments like,
20:00 "Oh, you might not have children."
20:02 And I'm like, "Oh, that's not true."
20:03 That's still a long way off.
20:04 But that's what they usually say.
20:08 And for me,
20:10 I would not bring a child into this world
20:12 if he has a father
20:14 who cannot give the bare minimum
20:16 or who cannot give the things
20:18 that my child deserves.
20:20 Which, if he doesn't have a child,
20:22 which are the things that I deserve.
20:23 And I think,
20:26 I grew up in a very strong Christian family.
20:29 And I always pray that,
20:31 "Lord, if it's your will for me to get married,
20:33 I know that the person will come at the right time,
20:36 in the right situation."
20:37 Oh, I said "situation," not "in the right situation."
20:40 And while I'm waiting for that person,
20:44 it's to get to meet people,
20:46 be open,
20:47 but at the same time,
20:48 be discerning, like what Doc said.
20:51 Not everyone out there is out for your good.
20:54 And you have to--
20:57 You have to be good at choosing
20:59 the right person because you might think
21:01 that the person you chose is fake,
21:03 that they're Class A.
21:04 So, always protect your heart
21:07 by being very selective,
21:11 being very picky with the people that you date,
21:15 that you entertain.
21:16 That's what Doc said.
21:18 Mm-hmm.
21:19 And very, very last,
21:21 at this point in time in your life,
21:23 and just for today, no commitment,
21:26 you can change your mind,
21:27 but right now, at this point,
21:30 what do you prefer?
21:31 Being single,
21:32 being in a situation,
21:34 or being in a committed relationship?
21:37 Hmm.
21:40 I think, at this point,
21:44 I'm ready for a committed relationship.
21:46 But if it takes a situation to get to know someone,
21:51 to see if we can go into a committed relationship,
21:54 then I'm open to that, too.
21:56 Mm-hmm.
21:57 - Great answer. - I don't want to be single, Doc!
21:59 [laughs]
22:01 - But you had enough experience being single. - I'm already an expert at being single.
22:07 Know your situation,
22:08 choose the situation you want to be in.
22:11 It's that simple.
22:13 So, thank you again, Mav.
22:15 Thank you, Doc. Thank you very much.
22:17 Don't lose hope, guys.
22:19 [laughs]
22:20 If you have something to say,
22:23 just leave a comment below,
22:25 or email us at shaircolang@gmailnews.tv.
22:29 We're also streaming on Spotify,
22:32 Apple Podcasts, and Google Podcasts.
22:36 Thanks for tuning in.
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