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00:00 [Music]
00:05 [Music]
00:35 The Joan Davis Show.
00:37 I Married Joan.
00:39 America's favorite comedy show.
00:42 Starring America's queen of comedy, Joan Davis, as Mrs. Joan Stevens.
00:49 [Music]
00:56 And featuring Jim Backus as Judge Bradley Stevens.
01:00 [Music]
01:06 I Married Joan.
01:12 [Music]
01:26 Oh, good morning, you wonderful, wonderful guy, you.
01:31 Joanie, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:33 Oh, how can I help it? Being married to sweet darling, wonderful you.
01:37 [Kissing]
01:40 Oh, that takes care of my shower this morning.
01:43 [Laughter]
01:45 Oh, breakfast in bed. What did I do to deserve this?
01:49 You married me.
01:51 Huh?
01:52 Yes, this morning I suddenly realized how glad I am that you're my husband.
01:57 After all this time, it just occurred to you this morning.
02:00 Oh, no darling.
02:01 [Glass breaking]
02:02 Sorry, honey.
02:04 Oh, honey, that's the way she is.
02:06 [Laughter]
02:09 No, honey, I've been glad all the time, dear.
02:12 But this morning, well, I got up very early this morning.
02:16 I guess I'm excited about the reunion I'm having with all those old high school girlfriends of mine.
02:21 I just think I haven't seen them for 15 years.
02:24 Well, anyway, as I was saying, I got up very early and, well, I was thinking,
02:28 would I be as excited about seeing the girls if I couldn't tell them that I was married to a judge?
02:34 [Laughter]
02:35 Oh, no, I see.
02:38 I hope the girls just turn green with envy when they hear that I'm married to a judge.
02:43 Well, honey, maybe some of the other girls married well, too.
02:48 Maybe, but to a judge?
02:51 Yes, I guess you're right.
02:52 You know, judges don't grow on trees.
02:55 Oh, no, no, let me do that for you, judge.
02:58 Love her.
02:59 [Laughter]
03:02 Well, it isn't every girl who's lucky enough to land a judge, especially, well, take Minnie, for instance.
03:09 She was the flighty one of the bunch.
03:12 What were you of the bunch?
03:14 Me?
03:15 Oh, I was the normal one.
03:16 [Cough]
03:18 Oh, darling, I'm just going to be eternally grateful to you for all the wonderful--
03:23 Charlie, I can't get over this.
03:25 I'm sorry, but when I walk into that old classroom and meet all the girls, I'll be proud.
03:31 Believe me.
03:33 Joan, Joan, I'm ready.
03:35 Oh, I'm sorry, I've had my breakfast.
03:37 What am I doing?
03:39 Just excited, I guess.
03:42 Oh, thank you, thank you for marrying me, you sweet, wonderful, hunk of judge, you meanie.
03:50 [Gong]
03:59 [Music]
04:28 [Gong]
04:34 Joanie, you're going to be a dummy all your life.
04:39 Joanie!
04:40 Gloria!
04:42 Oh, oh, I'm ever glad to see you.
04:45 Guess what happened to me.
04:46 I married to a judge.
04:48 You never could have been a judge, Bradley James.
04:50 He's awfully young to be a judge.
04:53 Let me take a look at you.
04:56 You haven't changed a bit.
04:59 I want to hear all about you.
05:01 What you've been doing, how you've been doing.
05:03 I want to hear every little detail.
05:05 You know how I always love sports.
05:06 Did you ever hear of Judge Bradley J. Stevens?
05:09 Huh?
05:10 Well, the man I married happens to be a--
05:12 Girls!
05:14 Minnie!
05:15 Oh, is this wonderful?
05:17 I've been thinking about this my whole life.
05:19 I made up my mind.
05:21 I said I was not going to marry J. Stevens.
05:25 I'm awfully young to be a judge.
05:28 Let me take a look at you.
05:31 You haven't changed a bit.
05:34 Now, as I was telling Gloria, the man I married to happens to be a judge.
05:39 Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
05:41 You're so beautiful.
05:42 Oh, you know, I never thought it would work out.
05:45 I never would have thought it would work out.
05:47 Bradley James, I'm telling you, I've been looking for you for years.
05:50 And I'm rejoiced that you--
05:52 Let me take a look at you.
05:55 You haven't changed a bit.
05:58 Well, let's all sit down.
05:59 I've been thinking about this my whole life.
06:02 I made my mind up.
06:03 I said I was going to marry a young girl.
06:07 And now, as I was saying, the man that I'm married to--
06:09 Oh, you're married, Joanie?
06:10 Yes, I am.
06:11 Oh, that's wonderful.
06:12 How about you, Minnie?
06:13 You married?
06:14 No, I never found the time.
06:15 Me either.
06:16 What about you, Gloria?
06:17 No, too busy.
06:18 You know, I've been training.
06:19 [interposing voices]
06:20 [interposing voices]
06:21 [interposing voices]
06:22 [interposing voices]
06:23 [interposing voices]
06:24 [interposing voices]
06:25 [interposing voices]
06:26 [interposing voices]
06:27 [interposing voices]
06:28 [interposing voices]
06:29 [interposing voices]
06:30 [interposing voices]
06:31 [interposing voices]
06:32 [interposing voices]
06:33 What does this say?
06:34 Judge.
06:35 Very good.
06:36 Now, speaking of judges, the man that I'm married to happens to be--
06:40 Congratulations.
06:41 Well, thank you, Minnie.
06:42 I really think I learned so much.
06:44 [interposing voices]
06:45 It was wonderful.
06:46 It was so good.
06:47 Congratulations, Gloria.
06:48 Oh, for what?
06:50 You mean you didn't read that Babe Jones was the first person ever to swim across the Bay of Biscay?
06:55 Well, of course, the papers were full of them.
06:57 But what's that got to do with Gloria?
07:00 You are Babe Jones?
07:03 You look so different in the pictures with the goggles on and everything.
07:07 I didn't recognize-- oh, my goodness.
07:10 Then you're also the national singles and doubles women's tennis champion?
07:16 Well, what have you been doing, Minnie?
07:18 Oh, you know me, Joanie.
07:19 Still fooling around with cosmetics.
07:21 Oh, fooling around, huh?
07:23 Joanie, do you happen to have a lipstick?
07:25 Oh, sure.
07:28 Ah, Madame Minette, eh?
07:31 Well, of course.
07:32 It's the best.
07:33 I wouldn't use anything else.
07:34 That a girl.
07:35 Joanie, may I present to you Madame Minette.
07:39 How do you do--
07:41 Madame Minette?
07:43 But your name is Minnie.
07:44 Well, who'd buy a lipstick called Madame Minnie?
07:51 Now, what have you been doing, Marsha?
07:53 Oh, working for the government.
07:55 Civil service, huh?
07:57 You might call it that.
07:58 Oh, that's nice.
08:00 And you're not married, huh?
08:01 No.
08:02 Well, did I tell you girls who I married?
08:05 No, you didn't tell us about him, Joanie.
08:07 What did he do?
08:08 Well, girls, the man I'm married to happens to be a--
08:13 Come in.
08:16 Dr. Bronson?
08:18 No, there's no Dr. Bronson here.
08:20 It's just us girls.
08:22 I'm Dr. Bronson, General.
08:23 Oh, pardon me.
08:27 They told me at your hotel that you'd be here.
08:29 The President desires to communicate with you.
08:31 President?
08:32 What President?
08:33 Oh, I'm sorry.
08:34 He said he wouldn't need me when I called the White House today.
08:37 That President?
08:39 I know, but something urgent has come up, and he needs your advice.
08:43 [laughter]
08:53 [laughter]
09:03 [laughter]
09:08 [laughter]
09:13 Tell the President that I advise against it.
09:16 Yes, Doctor.
09:17 And I'll put a call through to him as soon as I get back to my hotel.
09:20 Very good, Doctor.
09:21 Good day, ladies.
09:27 You're that Dr. Bronson of the State Department?
09:31 Well, I had a doctor's degree in political science,
09:33 so I used the title to appear more anonymous.
09:36 But you're practically their best diplomatic troubleshooter,
09:39 their ambassador with our portfolio.
09:42 Well, tell us what you've been doing, Joni.
09:44 Yes, with your peppin' ability,
09:46 you must have really made a name for yourself.
09:49 Well, I'm President of the Board of, um--
09:52 I'm Chairman of the Bureau of, um--
09:55 I'm Head of the Department of--
09:57 I make great meatballs.
10:00 [laughter]
10:02 What about an identity of my own?
10:04 What on earth are you talking about?
10:06 I'm talking about me, Bradley Stevens.
10:09 That's what I'm talking about.
10:11 I don't know what's going on, but, Joan, calm down.
10:14 You're all upset.
10:16 Don't you touch me!
10:18 Not after the nasty thing you did to me.
10:20 The nasty thing? What did I do?
10:23 You married me.
10:25 [laughter]
10:26 The nasty thing?
10:28 Joni, you said you hated me.
10:32 Oh, well, I didn't really mean it that way, honey.
10:35 You know I love you, even though I hate you.
10:38 But gosh, Brad, you can't blame me.
10:41 If it weren't for marrying you,
10:42 I might have been a somebody, too,
10:44 like some certain other women that I know.
10:47 Some certain other women?
10:49 Oh, you mean your three high school friends?
10:51 Yeah.
10:52 They made a mark in the world because,
10:54 well, they weren't rushed into marriage.
10:57 Look, honey, you come over here
10:58 and sit on old Brad's lap,
11:00 and we'll talk this over.
11:03 Well, if I had had half the chance,
11:05 I could have done just as well as those other girls.
11:08 I was just as smart in school as they were.
11:10 Oh, now, Joni.
11:12 Well, I was, too.
11:13 Now, you take Minnie Schultz, for instance.
11:15 If it hadn't been for me,
11:16 she would have gotten the lowest mark in algebra class.
11:20 You helped her?
11:21 Yes.
11:22 I got the lowest mark.
11:24 Joan.
11:25 You know, Brad,
11:26 I know that I could have been a big executive like Minnie.
11:29 I just know it.
11:32 Well, this is one problem
11:33 you're going to have to solve yourself.
11:36 Yes, dear.
11:38 Sure.
11:43 If I hadn't been rushed into marriage,
11:45 I could have been as big a businesswoman as Minnie Schultz.
11:49 Madame Nanette.
11:51 I could have been...
11:53 Lady Joan.
11:55 Imagine me,
11:56 head of the largest cosmetic firm in the world,
11:59 sitting in my office,
12:00 the largest office in the world.
12:02 What power I'd have.
12:04 The whole country at my feet.
12:06 The largest feet in the world.
12:09 Yes, this is Lady Joan,
12:21 sole owner of Lady Joan Cosmetics.
12:24 Oh, hiya, Prez.
12:28 What?
12:29 The U.S. Treasury is a little low
12:31 and you're worried about the budget?
12:33 Two billion be enough?
12:35 Glad to do it.
12:37 Glad.
12:38 Oh, by the way, one little formality.
12:41 What are you putting up for collateral?
12:44 Oh, I see.
12:45 You'll put up taxes.
12:48 I'm sorry, I'm already holding taxes
12:50 for what the last boy borrowed.
12:54 Yes, Brewster?
12:56 The staff is waiting outside
12:57 for the regular Tuesday business conference, Lady Joan.
13:00 Fine, send them in.
13:02 Oh, wait.
13:05 Light me.
13:08 Real cool.
13:15 Oh, Lady Joan,
13:17 how can you treat me like this
13:18 after what we've been to each other?
13:20 Please, Brewster, we're about to start.
13:22 Please, Brewster, we're about to have a business conference.
13:25 Business, business, is that all you care about?
13:28 All I care about is you.
13:29 I love you, hopelessly, madly, insanely.
13:32 I love you, do you hear? I love you.
13:35 Don't you have anything to say?
13:38 Yes, what else is new?
13:40 Look at you.
13:42 So cold, so cruel, so sure of yourself.
13:46 The only way you can let yourself go enough
13:48 to accept a man, to accept marriage.
13:50 Oh, silly boy.
13:52 I'm a big power in business.
13:55 A tycooness.
13:57 I'm not a foolish, emotional girl
13:59 who wants to cook and scrub away her life for a man
14:02 and wind up in nothing.
14:04 But, Lady Joan, I can't go on living like this.
14:11 Please, Brewster, one more outburst like that
14:14 and I shall remove you as vice president
14:16 and put you back to your old job.
14:19 I'm Ralph Plucker, third class.
14:22 Good afternoon, Lady Joan.
14:35 Uh, staff, I am happy to announce
14:39 that Lady Joan Cosmetics is now
14:42 the biggest single business in the entire world.
14:45 And I am the biggest single business executive.
14:48 And why?
14:50 Because I'm single.
14:52 Ashley.
14:54 Joan, what about this shirt?
14:58 You know how I hate starch in the collar.
15:00 Haven't you any consideration for your husband's wishes?
15:03 Husband, starch, shirts?
15:05 Why, there must be some mistake.
15:07 I'm Lady Joan.
15:08 I don't have to worry about husbands
15:10 and washing shirts and...
15:12 Brewster, throw this bounder out of here.
15:14 (whistles)
15:16 Staff, remove this fellow.
15:20 (whistles)
15:22 (whistles)
15:26 Oh, bread!
15:28 What about the starch in your shirt?
15:34 All right, I'll take care of it.
15:37 I'll take care of it.
15:40 (footsteps)
15:42 Or I could have been a great athlete like Gloria.
15:52 Sure.
15:53 I used to be as good a swimmer as she was.
15:56 Babe Jones.
15:58 With the proper brakes, I could have been
16:01 Babe Stevens.
16:03 Why, look.
16:05 (laughter)
16:07 Keep it up, babe.
16:09 You're doing great.
16:11 This is getting pretty monotonous.
16:13 I know, I know, babe.
16:15 Here, have some hot soup.
16:17 (water splashing)
16:19 (boat horn blowing)
16:21 (water splashing)
16:23 (water splashing)
16:25 (boat horn blowing)
16:27 (water splashing)
16:29 (boat horn blowing)
16:31 (water splashing)
16:33 (laughter)
16:35 How much fiber?
16:37 You've been in the water for four days.
16:39 You passed the Queen Mary this morning.
16:41 You should dock in Liverpool tomorrow about three.
16:44 (boat horn blowing)
16:46 (water splashing)
16:48 (water splashing)
16:50 (laughter)
16:52 Joan, what in the world are you doing?
16:54 This salad dressing tastes terrible
16:56 and the dinner isn't half ready.
16:58 Don't you realize a husband has certain rights and...
17:01 (water splashing)
17:02 Oh, bread!
17:04 Bread, no!
17:06 (water splashing)
17:08 Joanie, I tasted the salad dressing.
17:10 It's terrible. It's flat.
17:12 (laughter)
17:13 Well, it just needs a little salt.
17:15 (footsteps)
17:17 (footsteps)
17:19 Look, honey, if you want to feel bad about your life
17:21 all of a sudden, that's your privilege.
17:23 Have some consideration for my feelings.
17:25 Try and be a little diplomatic.
17:27 (footsteps)
17:29 (footsteps)
17:31 Be a little diplomatic, huh?
17:33 Like Marsha Bronson, I suppose.
17:35 Diplomatic.
17:37 People used to like me much more than Marsha.
17:40 Dr. Bronson.
17:43 Gosh, diplomats.
17:45 They're all over the place.
17:47 London, Vienna, Paris.
17:49 (laughter)
17:50 Dr. Joan Stevens.
17:52 Dr. Stevens?
17:53 Right.
17:54 I'm Bronson.
17:55 Glad to meet you, Bronson.
17:56 I'm so relieved they've sent you, doctor.
17:58 The situation here has become much too difficult for me to handle.
18:01 The president of France is waiting to see you.
18:03 Lead on, Bronson.
18:05 (music)
18:09 Monsieur President, may I present Mademoiselle Stevens.
18:12 (footsteps)
18:14 Mademoiselle Stevens, welcome.
18:16 (laughter)
18:18 My country's greetings, President,
18:20 and felicitations from my president.
18:22 (laughter)
18:24 But I can't waste time.
18:26 I am here on a special diplomatic mission.
18:28 But of course, whenever the great Joan Stevens,
18:31 without portfolio or name, arrives anywhere in the world,
18:34 history is in the making.
18:36 I am honored.
18:37 Naturally.
18:38 (laughter)
18:39 Well, I feel that an international power shift is in the making.
18:43 If Sinaloa moves upon Bessarabia,
18:46 and Bessarabia moves upon Indoresia,
18:48 and Indoresia moves upon Pakistaria,
18:51 and Pakistaria moves upon Arabesque,
18:54 serious repercussions will follow
18:57 that may be felt in Pasadena.
18:59 As serious as that, mademoiselle?
19:01 As serious as that.
19:02 If you say so.
19:03 I say so.
19:04 Then it must be so.
19:05 Naturally.
19:06 And at the same time,
19:08 due to pressures from these outer fringes,
19:11 and a power squeeze in the middle,
19:14 France may well become the Pope.
19:16 Good heavens, what must France do?
19:19 There is only one thing France can do.
19:22 What is that?
19:23 Squeeze back.
19:25 If you say so.
19:26 I say so.
19:27 Then it must be so.
19:28 Naturally.
19:29 Dr. Stevens, a special courier has just arrived with new orders.
19:33 Joan, Joan!
19:35 You are a special courier with new orders?
19:38 And your orders are to come home.
19:40 The salad dressing is okay,
19:41 but what about the rest of the dinner?
19:43 Please, I'm a dead man.
19:45 I'm in Paris.
19:46 (laughter)
19:52 (whistle)
19:54 Oh, Brad!
19:56 (laughter)
20:00 That did it.
20:01 (laughter)
20:04 It's no use, Brad.
20:06 I love you too much, not to be honest with you.
20:08 Forgive me, but I never should have gotten married.
20:11 Well, honey, I love you too much
20:13 to stand in the way of your happiness.
20:15 So you go out and make your mark in the world,
20:17 and after you're famous, you come back to me.
20:19 But before you start out on your new venture,
20:21 you have to be a good little housewife for one more night,
20:23 and fix a nice dinner.
20:24 We're having company.
20:26 Company?
20:27 Yes, Minnie called.
20:28 She and the girls practically invited themselves over for dinner.
20:30 Oh, well, I'm glad they're coming.
20:33 They can give me some good advice and start me off.
20:36 My last night as a housewife!
20:39 Of course, where the line between right and wrong
20:42 is not carefully drawn,
20:44 then a person like myself,
20:45 sitting in judgment upon others,
20:47 must do a lot of soul searching.
20:49 A judge must be free of pressure.
20:51 Well, girls, I'm turning in my apron for good.
20:54 Shh!
20:55 Girls, you don't understand.
20:59 Brad has released me.
21:01 I can now concentrate on making my mark in the world.
21:04 No more drudgery for me.
21:07 You talk about drudgery.
21:08 What do you think I'm up against?
21:10 Laboratory breakdowns, advertising budgets,
21:13 sales meetings, buyers,
21:14 competitors stabbing you in the back?
21:17 At least you get to stay home.
21:19 I'm always on the move.
21:20 I have a place to hang my hat.
21:22 Protest marches, pickets, sabotage.
21:25 On your guard, watch yourself.
21:27 Hm, drudgery.
21:29 You should talk.
21:30 Up every morning at 5 a.m.
21:32 Do your road work for two hours.
21:34 Breakfast, one lean lamb chop.
21:37 Every day the same thing.
21:38 Every day the same lamb chop.
21:40 What are you girls complaining about?
21:42 Well, what is it that you girls really want?
21:45 What?
21:46 A man to take care of me.
21:48 One for me too.
21:50 Me too.
21:51 (sobbing)
21:53 (audience laughing)
21:56 What am I crying about?
21:57 I've got a man.
22:00 Have you, Johnny?
22:01 Don't you remember you set me free today?
22:04 That's right, she did.
22:05 Yeah.
22:06 She certainly did.
22:08 Judge, perhaps lunch tomorrow?
22:10 Judge, what about dinner?
22:12 Save supper time for me.
22:13 I'll meet you any place you say.
22:15 I'll be there too.
22:16 Hold him.
22:18 Hold him.
22:20 (whistle)
22:21 Now you girls cut that out!
22:25 But, Johnny lover,
22:26 I thought you first wanted to make your mark.
22:29 I do.
22:31 And here it is, on you.
22:34 (audience laughing)
22:37 (audience applauding)
22:42 I want to thank you girls for coming when I called.
22:45 And incidentally, you did a wonderful job of acting.
22:49 Who was acting?
22:51 (audience laughing)
22:52 Let's speak for me.
22:56 You're a doll, Brad.
22:57 Joan doesn't know what a lucky girl she is.
23:01 Who doesn't?
23:04 All right, dear.
23:05 Say goodnight.
23:07 Goodbye, girls.
23:08 See you 15 years from now.
23:10 It's been swell.
23:11 All right.
23:12 Get in there.
23:13 I'm enjoying that, Brad.
23:15 (audience laughing)
23:17 ♪ I'm Mary Joan ♪
23:20 ♪ What a pretty, what a pretty, what a life ♪
23:23 ♪ Oh, I'm Mary Joan ♪
23:26 ♪ What a mind, love is blind, what a wife to do ♪
23:30 ♪ Giddy and gay, all day she keeps my heart laughing ♪
23:33 ♪ Never know where her brain has flown ♪
23:36 ♪ To reach his own ♪
23:39 ♪ And he's not a boy, a Mary Joan ♪
23:43 ♪ To reach his own ♪
23:46 ♪ And he's not a boy, a Mary Joan ♪
23:49 [BLANK_AUDIO]