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Adam's back to share his pitch for how WWE should book John Cena's last run. Wabudoo.
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SportsTranscript
00:00 Oh hello, sorry I was just-
00:13 Hello I am Adam Hailing from PartsFunknown and we are talking about John Felix Anthony
00:19 Cena Jr. Have you heard of him? If not, here's a handy little cheat sheet, a dummies guide
00:23 to Mr. You Can't See Me. Our story begins back in OVW with 250 pounds of veiny trouble
00:28 you look at these muscles, look at these muscles. Believe the prototype, that's the prototype.
00:32 Someone get Vince McMahon a wet wipe. Made a stir in June '02 on the main roster. Oh
00:37 it's true. Last name Aggression, first name Ruthless. Endless repetition meant the gimmick
00:40 was toothless. Months after debut he'd be scrapped, at least until Stephanie heard him
00:44 rap. A brand new gimmick was concocted. Mr. Thuganomics achieved his doctorate. Jewelry
00:49 cashing, basketball fashion, vanilla ice freestyle, lot of gay bashing. Ran around with B-squared,
00:53 US champion. Stabbed in a nightclub, US champion. 2005 WrestleMania, won a world title. His
00:59 run got same year and same year as it went along and long by long, I mean f***ing long.
01:03 Hundreds of days of belts, spinning, winning, winning, endless winning. Four words carved
01:08 on wrestling soul. John Cena wins. LOL. Shoulder block, shoulder block, hand to the face, back
01:13 body drop, knuckle shuffle, AA. A full decade of baby face, resisting change and laying waste.
01:18 Edge, Umaga, The Orton, Junk, DX, Nexus, CM Punk, Lost to Rock, thought he'd try it,
01:24 beat Brock, beat Rock, beat Bray Wyatt. But in 2015 something changed. Cena showed us
01:28 just a little glimmer of range. The US Invitational, a sensational creation that sees C-Nation
01:33 leader slip down the card. And working harder, testing wrestling's newest names. Rollins,
01:38 Owens, Styles, Reigns, all beat Cena, proved they could, as Big John moved to Hollywood.
01:43 Stops back in, on occasion, pops a rating, he's a free agent, a legend, almost laid
01:47 to rest, a measuring stick to gauge the best, hustle, loyalty, respect, and then he got
01:52 killed by a clown.
01:55 So we haven't seen Big John since he was deleted, erased by The Fiend, promised he
02:02 wouldn't be at this WrestleMania. Nobody believes you, John. But honestly, that's
02:06 fine, you could write a line under John Cena in WWE today and it ultimately wouldn't
02:10 change anything. But there is one run left on the table, just one loose end that needs
02:18 tying off. One last John Cena story to tell. Let me have a go.
02:29 Now before I jump into the booking, this episode of How Adam would Book is brought to you by
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03:23 So John Cena has done everything in wrestling, including your dad, and you could honestly
03:27 make a good case for him being done. He's done being the hot star, the dominant champ,
03:31 the company spokesman, he carried the WWE on his back for a full decade, admittedly
03:36 with a whole bunch of empty feeling, implacable buzzwords and shallow, almost inhuman idealism,
03:42 before becoming an older, more emotionally resonant legend who can feel his time in the
03:46 sun drawing to a close, allowing the failures to slowly creep up, not having a road to Mania
03:50 34, having the Undertaker spank his noob ass, putting over the current gen, having a silly
03:55 BBQ dad haircut, the weird Jackie Chan punch phase that all middle aged men go through
04:03 I guess, and yeah, being metaphorically and literally destroyed by the Fiend.
04:08 For a superstar that's always felt encumbered by unique baggage, by the unique weight of
04:13 being loved and hated and respected and a megastar who's been a tentpole of the industry,
04:19 but also the embodiment of a corporation and that corporation's disconnect with its fans
04:24 until that legacy passed to a certain large dog, at WrestleMania 36 that insider-soaked
04:30 character assassination is a strange but oddly fitting way to draw a line under the strange
04:37 John Cena as he becomes Hollywood John.
04:40 But it's also a bit too abrupt an ending, like it's helped the Fiend that Ferdinand
04:44 The Bull hasn't come back, but there is a way to have him return for one last run
04:48 that still honours the Funhouse while still dealing with the last loose thread, which
04:52 is Ric Flair's record.
04:55 Officially Ric Flair has 16 World Championship title reigns in his wrestling career, the
04:59 most of all time, it's actually close to 19, but whatever.
05:04 At the Royal Rumble 2017, Dominic Toretto's brother tied that record by beating AJ Styles,
05:10 this historic reign ended legit only two weeks later, and he hasn't had a world title since.
05:15 By next year's WrestleMania, Agent Jack Burns will have gone five years without holding
05:20 a world title in WWE, which is the longest he's ever gone, including his stint in OVW.
05:25 Now the man who voiced the legendary John Cena Stone has gone on record saying that
05:28 he wants to "leave those memories alone" and not break Flair's record, and that's
05:33 a rare lapse in programming for the world's vainest computer.
05:36 The boys down at the lab are going to catch hell for letting that one slip through.
05:39 But here's why John Cena absolutely should break Ric Flair's record.
05:44 First of all, the story's a draw.
05:45 For better or worse, Fred's imaginary dad is still possibly the biggest star in wrestling
05:52 to date, even when he's not around.
05:53 He's a giant crossover star, he's not won a title for ages, and right now the majority
05:59 of fans have come around to the fact that John Cena is, all aspects of this following
06:04 statement considered, one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time.
06:08 One Last Cena-centric storyline explicitly framing it as his one last run has the potential
06:13 to make bank.
06:14 Second of all, records are made to be broken, and also Jesus Christ, maybe this means they
06:18 can let Ric Flair stay at home and have a sleep until they need to revive him with the
06:22 same haunted blood they used to keep Prince Philip alive and bring him out to weep at
06:26 Charlotte's inevitable 16th world title win.
06:28 Cena taking on that record shifts those PR duties onto a huge Hollywood star, who can
06:33 still also occasionally get physical without killing power to the venue to hide the fact
06:37 that if Randy Orton actually kicked Ric Flair in the head, Ric would explode into a cloud
06:41 of a thousand tiny Rolexes.
06:43 Barring anything unforeseen, John Cena will likely be around a lot longer than Ric Flair,
06:47 so why not pass the torch while the nature boy is still alive and kicking to give the
06:52 angle more emotional weight.
06:54 And finally, three, it is still the only justification left in the whole world that would actually
07:00 carry any weight or make any amount of sense for a heel turn.
07:06 Now look, yes, the time for a proper John Cena heel turn has passed.
07:10 I don't know, ten f***ing years ago.
07:12 He's a mainstream star, he appears on Conan, he wears preposterous suits and does nice
07:17 publicity stunts.
07:18 He's a walking nostalgia pop, an ambassador for sort of treasured memories.
07:23 He can still turn heel.
07:25 People still have instinctually quite spiky reactions to John.
07:29 Wrestling fans hold f***ing grudges.
07:31 And there is still a lingering sense of injustice and lost potential for the bad times.
07:37 You know, 2008 to 2011, the bad times.
07:40 But should he?
07:42 Would he?
07:43 I mean, he's made peace with stuff.
07:44 What could possibly motivate John Cena to tarnish his legacy apart from, I don't know,
07:49 maybe from a championship perspective, being officially the greatest wrestler to have ever
07:54 lived?
07:55 Maybe that does something to a person.
07:57 So this story actually starts at WrestleMania 37.
08:00 And this, by the way, is the closest you'll get to me booking WrestleMania 37.
08:04 I just don't want to do it this time round.
08:07 It's a Firefly Funhouse match with Randy Orton.
08:09 And like John Cena's Funhouse match, it's a dissection of Randy Orton's history.
08:13 At one point, the Viper has Bray on the ropes.
08:16 Bray says, "This makes sense.
08:18 All of our history."
08:19 I can't do an impression.
08:20 At one point, the Viper has Bray on the ropes.
08:22 Bray says, "Yowie, wowie.
08:24 This makes sense.
08:25 Because all of our history, Randy.
08:27 And they still won't let me be your true enemy.
08:30 Because you've always been promised to another."
08:33 And Bray clicks his fingers, taps his heels together three times, and John Cena appears
08:39 in the ring.
08:40 He's scared, confused.
08:41 He's grown a huge Jumanji beard.
08:43 Bray dresses in a Circus Ringmasters hat and coat, saying, "Roll up, ladies and gentlemen,
08:48 for the 831st time ever, John Cena versus Randy Orton."
08:54 Cena looks around him and runs off, smashing through a pair of double doors into the outside
08:59 world.
09:00 Bray says, looking directly down the lens, "I guess even John didn't want to see that
09:04 again."
09:05 And then the Funhouse continues.
09:06 So, John Cena is, according to official canon, back in the WWE Universe.
09:12 I will be damned if I don't keep my spooky clown continuity tight in the Adam Cinematic
09:16 Universe.
09:17 John Cena appears the next night on Raw, clean-shaven but still spooked.
09:21 Not quite the same as he used to be.
09:24 He says, "For the last year, I was forced to examine my life, my career, my place in
09:30 this huge WWE Universe.
09:32 Being gone for a year, maybe WWE's moved on.
09:35 There are different top guys.
09:37 It made me realize I don't think there's anything here for me anymore.
09:44 I'm just not feeling it.
09:48 So I think this is goodbye.
09:52 Not sure what else to say.
09:53 I left the words in another place."
09:56 He puts the microphone down and leaves.
09:59 Almost a full year goes by.
10:01 The men's Royal Rumble 2022.
10:04 All 30 men have entered and we're down to the final four, let's say Bobby Lashley,
10:09 Damian Priest, Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens.
10:11 A lot can change in a year, but let's say.
10:14 Suddenly, the countdown starts.
10:16 Everyone's very confused.
10:17 And when it finally hits zero, out comes number 31.
10:21 John Cena's music hits.
10:22 "Rumble 2!"
10:23 And he walks down to the ring.
10:25 I want every time we see John Cena now since the Funhouse to somehow feel slightly off
10:29 somehow.
10:30 John Cena wins the 2022 Royal Rumble and honestly, the hatred that that idea will generate
10:35 in some fans really does fuel me, really does.
10:39 Cena joins Austin with three Rumble wins and now immediately on from his return, the story
10:43 is explicitly framed around Flair's record.
10:47 Cena announces on Raw that he's back because he realized what was left for him to achieve,
10:51 to break Ric Flair's record and become a 17 time champion.
10:56 After that, he plans to officially retire from WWE, his legacy secured.
11:00 And because he wants to be so deeply entwined with WWE's history, this company, this career,
11:05 he wants to break the record by winning a belt that stretches back to the foundation
11:09 of this company.
11:10 He wants to win the WWE Championship one last time.
11:16 But backstage, someone asks him, "What happened at the Royal Rumble though?
11:21 People are confused about that."
11:22 And Cena replies, "Well, I gave this company my body for 20 years.
11:28 Figured I was owed a favor.
11:30 Thanks for the question.
11:32 You have a great day."
11:33 So the two men's main events for WrestleMania 38 are Roman Reigns vs The Rock and John Cena
11:40 vs Drew McIntyre for the WWE Championship, with the marketing strongly pushing this as
11:45 John Cena's final WrestleMania, 20 years since his first appearance on the main roster
11:51 in WWE.
11:52 John Cena is very respectful to Drew, acknowledges him as the future of the company, but points
11:56 out, "I'm the man.
11:59 Now, I have been the man for 20 years, Jack.
12:04 This has been my era, and I simply need to go out this way.
12:09 I'm sure you'll understand."
12:16 On the go-home Raw before Mania, John Cena calls not his opponent, but Ric Flair, down
12:21 to the ring.
12:22 Ric Flair is brought into the ring, and the two men sit across from each other.
12:25 "I wanted to talk to you man to man about your record.
12:29 Here, have my cushion."
12:30 Gives the cushion from his armchair.
12:32 "Ric, for the longest time, I didn't want to break your record.
12:37 I feel like I could have.
12:39 But out of respect for you, I thought it was best to leave the memories alone.
12:44 But recently, I've been thinking about the mark I'm going to leave on the company.
12:48 I don't want to retire with any regrets.
12:52 Like, well, I'm asking for your blessing, Ric.
12:57 If you want this, it's still time to call this whole thing off."
13:01 Ric Flair says, "How dare you, John.
13:07 I didn't get to 16 world title reigns by asking for permission.
13:11 You're John f***ing Cena.
13:14 You want to be the man?
13:16 Then be the man.
13:17 Or maybe you don't have what it takes to be the man."
13:20 And he slaps John.
13:22 John slowly stands from his chair, puts both hands on the arms to Ric's chair, leans over
13:29 him, smiles, and brings him up into a big hug.
13:33 WrestleMania 38.
13:35 The match between Drew and Cena.
13:36 And for the record, I do think that Drew has everything it takes to be the absolute top
13:39 of his era alongside Roman Reigns.
13:41 They just need to give him fun stories that aren't about Randy Orton murdering old men
13:45 with splinter cell goggles for six months straight.
13:47 At the end of the match, Cena's here in avalanche AA, but nothing's keeping Drew down.
13:52 The ref takes a bump and John Cena, frustrated, looks at the referee, heads out of the ring,
13:57 picks up the WWE title, brings it into the ring.
14:00 He stands there staring at it.
14:02 Would he?
14:03 Could he?
14:04 Drew's getting to his feet.
14:05 Cena then lays the title on the mat, picks up Drew for an AA, and plants him right on
14:11 top of the WWE championship.
14:14 He pulls the belt out of the ring, covers Drew.
14:16 One, two, three.
14:18 John Cena becomes a 17-time world champion.
14:22 He goes around hugging kids, smiling wildly, and taking it all in.
14:27 Everything he's owed.
14:30 The next night on Raw, there's a big ceremony, which is hyped up as Cena will retire.
14:34 He's going to vacate the belt, and he'll have done everything there is to do in wrestling,
14:37 but everyone notes how it just feels wrong.
14:42 In the ceremony, Ric Flair hands over the WWE championship to John Cena, passing the
14:46 torch officially, and says to him, "Hey, I know how you did it.
14:53 I'm Ric Flair.
14:54 I mean, I understand more than anyone else in the world can ever understand, but I just
15:00 got to be sure the way you're acting that you know how you did it."
15:06 Cena smiles, gives Ric a playful slap on the cheek, and then a slightly harder one, and
15:12 then a slightly harder one.
15:14 Then he stops and smiles and says, "Now I'm the man."
15:20 At the end of the promo, he thanks the fans and lays the title down in the ring, and he
15:23 goes to leave, but then thinks for a moment.
15:26 He comes back and picks up the belt, and he says, "This belt means more than that.
15:34 I am your WWE champion.
15:35 I am John Cena.
15:37 I believe in hustle, loyalty, and respect, and that will never die, and I shall wear
15:41 this with pride.
15:44 I'm going to take this to Hollywood so that everyone can see just how much I love WWE
15:50 and how much I love each and every one of you.
15:54 I love you."
15:55 And that is the heel run for John Cena.
15:58 He's been this super trooper, this nobility cyborg, but now he's malfunctioning.
16:03 John Cena is broken, not to the point of being this giant 180 degree character change.
16:09 Cena is this snidely whiplash moustache twirling villain that doesn't make sense.
16:13 His heel persona is essentially just finally bringing to light the dark corners of Cena's
16:18 character that have always been there, and we've seen glimpses of it as the sincerity
16:23 twists into sanctimony, as the righteous retribution has consistently strayed into the cruel, and
16:29 how someone who can preach how much he loves the WWE with every fibre of his pastel coloured
16:35 heart can then leave.
16:38 This just knits together those established fragments of John Cena into a slightly psychotic,
16:42 deluded good guy who doesn't realise when he's stepped over the line.
16:47 This also allows John Cena, movie star, to bring the WWE Championship to every single
16:52 interview, and you know he would, and still act like this good guy that is Cena's public
16:57 Hollywood persona.
16:58 He could indicate the title saying "Oh yes, WWE is my home.
17:02 I am proud to wear this title.
17:05 I love each and every one of my fans."
17:08 Some journalists can be planted with questions like "Well, shouldn't you be defending
17:11 it then?"
17:12 And Cena can smile "Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you wanted me to leave.
17:17 Would you like me to leave?"
17:18 I'm just fooling around, you're great.
17:23 So business wise, more mentions of WWE in Cena's press, this is a good thing, and
17:28 I know for some this has a strong stench of Brock Lesnar's Universal title run, which
17:33 I'm on record as enjoying just BTW, the World Champion as a once in a blue moon special
17:39 attraction, that's golden era booking and I'm all for it.
17:41 And of course this gives the focus to the guys like Drew McIntyre, the guy who lost,
17:46 the man who's actually working every week, and what these people are doing on Raw to
17:51 compensate for their WWE Championship not being there, fighting each other for the right
17:56 to wrest it from Cena's grasp.
17:59 Cena carries the title until the next WrestleMania.
18:02 He returns every two months, announces that when someone can finally beat him, then he
18:06 will step away from wrestling, but he also gradually ramps up the tactics he employs
18:12 to keep the title.
18:13 He wrestles one match every two months, Backlash in June, SummerSlam in August, Clash of the
18:17 Champions in October, Survivor Series, Rumble, Mania 39.
18:21 Six matches in his final run.
18:23 AJ Styles, a Backlash, Cena wins with the STF which he refuses to break after the bell,
18:29 then he runs into the crowd to take selfies with his fans, throwing shirts into the front
18:33 row.
18:34 The rematch with McIntyre happens at SummerSlam, he cracks Drew in the leg with a chair while
18:39 the referee's not looking and spends the rest of the match just dismantling it, locking
18:43 in a heel hook on Drew and just keeping it on until he passes out, properly damaging
18:49 Drew's leg.
18:50 He has to take time away.
18:51 After every match, he gets on the mic to cut one of those "that was the fight of my life"
18:57 promos, tells all the fans he loves them.
19:00 I love you.
19:03 At Clash of Champions, John Cena vs Big E, push him to that level.
19:07 A main event WWE title match with Big John.
19:09 Big E overpowers Cena for a while, but Cena removes the turnbuckle, smashes Big E's face
19:14 into it repeatedly and then AA for the win.
19:16 John Cena conducts more sit-down interviews with Michael Cole where he outlines his principles
19:20 for living.
19:21 I believe in treating everyone fair and square with equal…
19:27 Oh, respect.
19:33 At Survivor Series, John faces the Universal Champion Roman Reigns and loses.
19:38 Because the title is not on the line, he refuses to retire.
19:41 He believes very strongly in being a man of his word.
19:45 At Royal Rumble, he takes on Bobby Lashley, this time resorting to a low blow and a belt
19:49 shot to the head to keep the title.
19:50 You can see he's starting to unravel.
19:53 He's showing up to interview slightly disheveled, saying, "Nah, fans have always booed me.
20:01 It's fine.
20:02 I'm John Cena.
20:03 Let's go Cena, Cena.
20:04 It sucks.
20:05 But they always react to me and for that, thank you.
20:10 I love you.
20:11 I carry you with me in my heart every day when I'm out there making movies, inspiring
20:17 countless generations."
20:20 And then finally WrestleMania 39, now officially 20 years since his first appearance at WrestleMania,
20:27 doing a rap during the pre-show of WrestleMania 19 with cardboard cutouts of Jay-Z and Fabulous.
20:33 All the way to Mania 39.
20:37 And hey, after twice in a lifetime, it kind of makes sense that John Cena would have two
20:40 retirements back to back.
20:42 Still not as many as Terry Funk.
20:44 Now we have a choice, I think, who to face John Cena here.
20:48 For me, it's a coin flip between Drew and Keith Lee.
20:51 Now the part of me that's trying to think like WWE thinks says, "This is the time you
20:56 have Drew beat John Cena clean as a whistle, truly cement himself as the man."
21:00 And maybe other people need that, maybe, more than Drew.
21:04 I mean, you know, he did beat Brock clean at Mania 36.
21:07 Keith Lee, for me, I slightly prefer Keith Lee winning the 2023 Rumble going on to Mania
21:15 39.
21:16 Now on the way to the ring, there's one long tracking shot, starting with John Cena looking
21:20 at himself in the mirror in his dressing room.
21:23 He walks along the corridor and runs into Kurt Angle, who just looks at him.
21:27 Cena looks him in the eye, keeps walking, runs into Biker Taker.
21:32 They look at each other, he keeps walking, he comes face to face with Edge.
21:37 He moves on until he runs into The Rock.
21:40 He still carries on, he comes face to face with Batista.
21:44 He keeps walking until finally he stands face to face with Randy Orton.
21:48 The two men just stare at each other.
21:54 Cena walks past Randy, the camera turns around to see the entire locker room lined up on
21:58 either side of the corridor.
22:00 He walks through them, head down, through Gorilla, turns and gives one last look at
22:05 Gorilla position, Vince sitting there.
22:08 The boys' music plays and he walks out.
22:12 During the match itself, Lee and Cena can beat the holy sh*t out of each other, please,
22:16 before the ref, like last year, goes down.
22:20 Cena heads to the timekeeper's area, grabs the title, brings it into the ring and looks
22:24 at it for the longest time.
22:28 Finally he casts it aside.
22:31 He goes for one last AA.
22:33 Keith Lee counters it, pushes Cena to the ropes, pops him up into a powerbomb position,
22:37 jumps and plants him with the world's biggest spirit bomb.
22:41 Keith Lee beats John Cena in the main event, officially retires John Cena.
22:47 I really like it and Keith is really good enough to make that spot with enough consistent
22:52 booking.
22:53 Please don't forget that Keith Lee is f*cking fantastic.
22:57 The next night, Cena says goodbye to the WWE Universe, but for real this time.
23:02 He sort of gives a speech that encapsulates John Cena as both a face, as a polarizing
23:07 figure, but also this final unsettling heel.
23:11 He says "WWE will always be my first home".
23:15 It's not my only home.
23:18 For the longest time, I needed to be here.
23:23 Needed it more than some of you needed me.
23:27 Through it all, when there was doubt, I aided up.
23:31 He doesn't say that.
23:32 For one last time, he says, I'll try and separate myself from John Cena, from the hustle, the
23:39 loyalty, the respect, from the thuganomics, from the face that runs the place and just
23:45 try and say things that I know to be true.
23:50 I will miss this.
23:52 I will miss you.
23:54 Even those of you who have never liked me.
23:57 I always tried my best to entertain you.
24:01 I really did try.
24:03 But right now, that locker room is stacked with talent.
24:06 I don't need to get in the way of that.
24:08 When someone makes it to 18 World Championships, it would be my honor to come back and raise
24:13 their hand.
24:15 But until then…
24:20 And that is how I would book John Cena's final run in WWE.
24:26 Did you hate it?
24:27 I did give John a title and a Rumble win, so you head right on over to those comments.
24:32 Make sure you turn the caps lock on, that's how I know you really mean it.
24:35 But for serious though, I hope you enjoyed it.
24:38 I enjoyed making this one quite a bit.
24:41 And yes, let me know where else in the comments you'd like me to book.
24:44 And please subscribe to Parts of Unknown if you haven't already.
24:47 Really really means a lot.
24:48 Check out the top of the description link for a link to Surfshark, who were really cool
24:52 in sponsoring this episode.
24:53 Really appreciate that.
24:54 And then yes, subscribe.
24:55 We've got loads of other really nice things here.
24:58 Bye.
24:59 I'm so bad at outros.
25:01 Bye.
25:02 Jam that jam.
25:04 [MUSIC PLAYING]