100 Mark Twain's Life Lessons so You Don't Screw Your Life Up
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00:00 The most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
00:08 My works are like water. The works of the great masters are like wine, but everyone drinks water.
00:23 Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain
00:32 for the pleasure of doing it. Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
00:42 Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
00:51 The noblest work of God? Man. Who found it out? Man.
01:00 Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with
01:11 experience. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
01:19 The truth must be served like a coat and not thrown in the face like a wet towel.
01:28 Circumstances make man, not man's circumstances.
01:36 The average human being is a perverse creature, and when he isn't that, he is a practical joker.
01:49 Let us live so that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry.
01:58 Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
02:07 Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
02:17 There are no people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones.
02:25 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
02:35 This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
02:44 Concerning the difference between man and the jackass, some observers hold that there isn't any.
02:51 Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah didn't miss the boat.
03:06 Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that,
03:14 but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
03:22 Man will do many things to get himself loved. He will do all things to get himself envied.
03:35 Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.
03:40 Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
03:50 Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress, and some would lose all of it.
04:05 One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a beautiful woman is
04:10 after considerable acquaintance with her.
04:13 There is only one good sex, the female one.
04:21 It takes much to convince the average man of anything, and perhaps nothing can ever make him
04:32 realize that he is the average woman's inferior. No civilization can be perfect
04:42 until exact equality between men and women is included.
04:48 Take any type of woman, and you will find in it something to respect, something to admire,
04:59 something to love. We lavish gifts upon children, but the most precious gift,
05:09 our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly.
05:17 A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.
05:29 After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning.
05:34 It is better to live outside the garden with her than inside it without her.
05:40 When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
05:52 You can't reason with your heart. It has its own laws and thumps about things
05:59 which the intellect scorns. No woman or man really knows what perfect love is
06:09 until they have been married a quarter of a century.
06:17 Do right, and you will be conspicuous. A man should not be without morals.
06:26 It is better to have bad morals than none at all.
06:30 Be good, and you will be lonesome.
06:36 Better a broken promise than none at all.
06:46 I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
06:54 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
07:04 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
07:15 All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence. Then success is sure.
07:22 The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.
07:31 Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
07:42 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining,
07:47 but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
07:51 The fear of death follows from the fear of life.
07:56 A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
08:02 To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.
08:11 Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored
08:17 than to anything on which it is poured.
08:21 Virtue has never been as respectable as money.
08:28 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
08:39 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
08:45 A man may have no bad habits and have worse.
08:52 We can secure other people's approval if we do it right and try hard,
09:01 but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of saving it.
09:09 Always obey your parents when they are present.
09:18 This is the best policy in the long run, because if you don't, they will make you.
09:26 The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
09:36 When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand
09:44 to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one,
09:49 I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
09:55 A sin takes on new and real terrors when there seems a chance that it is good.
10:05 That it is going to be found out.
10:07 The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
10:14 In order to make a man or a boy covet a thing,
10:21 it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.
10:30 Only two things we'll regret on deathbed. That we are little loved and little traveled.
10:38 Always acknowledge fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off guard
10:47 and give you an opportunity to make a choice.
10:55 Conscience takes up more room than all the rest of a person's insides.
11:01 There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.
11:11 Courage is resistance to fear. Mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
11:23 Eat a live frog first thing in the morning,
11:26 and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
11:30 Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
11:40 There are not enough morally brave men in stock. We are out of moral courage material.
11:53 To believe yourself brave is to be brave.
11:56 It is better to deserve honors and not have them, than to have them and not deserve them.
12:05 When people do not respect us, we are sharply offended.
12:12 Yet in his private heart, no man respects himself much.
12:21 Human pride is not worthwhile.
12:24 There is always something lying in wait to take the wind out of it.
12:30 By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity.
12:38 Man will do many things to get himself loved. He will do all things to get himself envied.
12:51 The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession. What there is of it.
12:58 When I was younger, I could not remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
13:07 But my faculties are decaying now, and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any,
13:16 but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it.
13:24 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has laid an egg tackles as if she had laid an asteroid.
13:34 Loyalty to petrified opinions never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
13:44 There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule,
13:51 however poor and witless.
13:54 The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.
14:02 Chastity. It can be carried too far.
14:12 Modesty died when clothes were born.
14:17 Honesty. The best of all the lost arts.
14:24 Each race determines for itself what indecencies are. Nature knows no indecencies. Man invents them.
14:40 When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.
14:46 We begin to swear before we can talk.
14:52 In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances,
15:00 desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.
15:09 Grief can take care of itself, but to get full value of a joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.
15:18 Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government when it deserves it.
15:28 Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
15:37 Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
15:41 One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed in it.
15:50 They have also believed the world was flat.
15:55 If I cannot swear in heaven, I shall not stay there.
16:04 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
16:08 It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.
16:20 The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much.
16:28 The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much. If he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
16:36 At zero dollars, a man can be an ass without being an optimist, but not an optimist without being an ass.
16:46 Buy land. They're not making it anymore.
16:56 Pessimist, the optimist who didn't arrive.
17:00 A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
17:08 Whatever a man's age, he can reduce it by several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his buttonhole.
17:21 We have permanent habits until we are 40. Then they begin to harden.
17:27 Presently, they petrify. Then business begins.
17:33 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it, and stop there.
17:46 Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam.
17:54 The first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.
18:02 The lack of money is the root of all evil.
18:09 When in doubt, tell the truth.
18:16 All say, "How hard is it that we have to die?"
18:22 A strange complaint coming from the mouths of people who have had to live.
18:28 Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
18:40 Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know, because I've done it thousands of times.
18:49 No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of the ladies.
18:57 Honesty is the best policy when there is money in it.
19:07 Some people lie when they tell the truth. I tell the truth, lying.
19:14 As by the fire of experience, so by commission of crime, you learn real morals.
19:25 I never could tell a lie that anyone would doubt, nor a truth that anyone would believe.
19:35 An honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere.
19:42 When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
19:53 A lie can travel halfway around the world, while the truth is putting its shoes on.
20:04 One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
20:13 A truth is not hard to kill. A lie told well is immortal.
20:25 Do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
20:35 There are 869 different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden.
20:45 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
20:53 I can't stand George Eliot and Hawthorne and those people. I see what they are at a hundred years before they get to it, and they just tire me to death.
21:06 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
21:19 I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
21:25 It is the little conveniences that make the real comfort of life.
21:32 24 years ago I was strangely handsome. The remains of it still visible through the rifts of time.
21:45 To be busy is man's only happiness.
21:49 The exercise of an extraordinary gift is the supremest pleasure in life.
21:58 Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day after tomorrow just as well.
22:10 There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one, keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
22:19 Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
22:26 There is no such thing as a new joke.
22:34 When red-headed people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn.
22:41 It is human to exaggerate the merits of the dead.
22:47 The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
22:59 Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is the lightning that does the work.
23:07 I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.
23:18 Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expect more.
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