Jack Me Full Movies
Transcript
00:00:00 Greasy Burger Chicken 2 goes to you like shit through a goose.
00:00:05 Jackass food that's hard to chew, but it goes to you like shit through a goose.
00:00:10 Dutch.
00:00:12 Hey, hey, hey, we was in Harmony.
00:00:15 Yeah, we were.
00:00:16 That's a good cut.
00:00:17 That's a little fat and sick.
00:00:18 America.
00:00:20 Home of the fat.
00:00:23 We got the largest donuts,
00:00:26 the largest hamburgers,
00:00:28 the largest hot dogs,
00:00:30 the largest knockers,
00:00:32 and the largest, fattest, hungriest human beings on planet Earth.
00:00:37 In fact, if you live in the U.S., you'll probably see more fat in your lifetime than a slaughterhouse floor.
00:00:44 Congratulations, swine, and the hormones in the food are enough to make a toddler grow tits.
00:00:49 We have way too many fast food joints in America.
00:00:53 I mean, there's a park and puke on practically every corner.
00:00:57 The vomit being served today is way out of control.
00:01:00 Things used to be different.
00:01:02 Home-cooked meals used to be an American pastime.
00:01:05 It's much easier today to just hit up a Jack's Shack for dinner.
00:01:09 But at what cost?
00:01:11 Although my mom didn't cook that often,
00:01:14 I still have many memories of her rattling the pots and pans in our kitchen.
00:01:18 This is her way back when.
00:01:20 Sometimes, if she wasn't too hungover, she'd whip up some toast or a nice bowl of cereal.
00:01:26 Oh, and here's a good picture of her in the kitchen,
00:01:29 taken right after she gang-banged about a dozen Hell's Angels.
00:01:33 Good one, Mom.
00:01:34 In fact, most of my memories of her are in the kitchen.
00:01:38 Probably because that's where she kept the booze.
00:01:41 The only time we ate out was when one of Mama's boyfriends knocked over a liquor store,
00:01:46 or when she'd turn a trick down at the laundromat.
00:01:49 Now we have a new public enemy number one, Jack.
00:01:54 And his commercials are just a sick display of his power in the fast food market.
00:02:01 My name is Jack.
00:02:03 Yo, and I'm not wack.
00:02:04 My food's more addictive than crack.
00:02:06 I got a new sandwich for all you ladies.
00:02:08 Take one bite, it's hotter than Hades.
00:02:11 And I call it the Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:14 'Cause it's hotter than a fat bitch.
00:02:15 Take one bite, and your anus will twitch.
00:02:17 Snacks with flavors, chili powder.
00:02:19 When you creep, you'll never scream louder.
00:02:22 For my Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:25 Grab one today.
00:02:28 Diaper not included.
00:02:30 Yeah, about as funny as a fart in a morgue.
00:02:33 There's a new Jack's popping up every day.
00:02:37 And let's not forget the hazards of his horrible food.
00:02:40 It's a scary hormone-injected menu of death.
00:02:45 Now what would happen if I ate Jack for a month straight?
00:02:51 Well, I guess I'd have to know him pretty well, huh?
00:02:54 But seriously, I don't know Jack.
00:02:56 Not yet, anyway.
00:02:57 I've just heard the horror stories.
00:02:59 So now it's time I taste what I've been missing.
00:03:02 So come on.
00:03:04 Jack!
00:03:05 Oh!
00:03:06 Oh, my God!
00:03:08 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:03:12 [BEEPING]
00:03:14 [BUBBLING]
00:03:17 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:03:21 [BEEPING]
00:03:24 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:03:27 [LAUGHTER]
00:03:43 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:03:46 [BEEPING]
00:03:49 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:03:52 I figured if I was going to go all out on a 30-day Jack's
00:04:15 bender, I would need a reputable physician to monitor my health.
00:04:19 Problem is, I don't have insurance.
00:04:22 So I enlisted the medical supervision of an ex-veterinarian
00:04:26 who ran an underground clinic down by the LA River.
00:04:29 Any history of health problems?
00:04:32 Not really.
00:04:33 No aneurysms, retardation?
00:04:36 I did have some mental illness a few years back.
00:04:39 Oh.
00:04:40 Tell me more.
00:04:41 Well, let's just say I got a little crazy at Cheesy Chuck's pizza parlor one night.
00:04:46 And when they arrested me, I was naked in the ball crawl.
00:04:50 Are you sexually active?
00:04:52 Yes.
00:04:53 A girlfriend?
00:04:54 Yes.
00:04:55 No, I said girlfriend.
00:04:58 Um, yeah.
00:05:00 Yeah.
00:05:01 Right.
00:05:02 Any history of family diseases?
00:05:04 Let's see.
00:05:05 My dad drank till his guts vulcanized.
00:05:07 And my mom had every STD and TJ.
00:05:10 TJ?
00:05:11 Yeah.
00:05:12 My mom rode more donkeys down there than Pancho Villa.
00:05:15 The reason I ask about your parents is that heredity plays a large part in our health.
00:05:21 Why, did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
00:05:25 It is?
00:05:26 Yeah.
00:05:27 It runs in your genes.
00:05:28 [laughing]
00:05:31 Now, are you sure you want to go ahead with this?
00:05:35 You realize Jack's food is one of the leading causes of serious health abnormalities.
00:05:44 Jack is an evil, sadistic clown that preys upon our children and our community.
00:05:50 It's my moral obligation to show this great country exactly what this hormone-injected garbage can do to a human.
00:06:00 All right, moron.
00:06:01 It's your body.
00:06:02 I wouldn't worry too much.
00:06:04 You look strong as a horse.
00:06:06 So, let's get started with some tests, shall we?
00:06:10 Our food is good!
00:06:12 It's good for America!
00:06:14 The FDA.
00:06:16 They're coming down on us.
00:06:17 We only use the best ingredients.
00:06:19 We use the best shit there is.
00:06:21 And the FDA can drink my piss!
00:06:24 [music]
00:06:32 Doctor is in and wearing a grin.
00:06:35 I've got a PhD in sodomy.
00:06:39 Lift your gown, spread your cheeks.
00:06:41 This physical takes three whole weeks.
00:06:44 My thermometer will make your toes curl.
00:06:47 I'll grab your nuts like a starfish's core.
00:06:50 Mother should turn a mirror.
00:06:51 What's that for?
00:06:53 A little hypno to relax you for the rectal exam.
00:06:56 Malpractice suits don't bother me.
00:06:58 'Cause I got some PhD in sodomy.
00:07:03 [music]
00:07:13 So, overall, you're pretty healthy.
00:07:16 The worst that can happen to you is you would die an excruciating death
00:07:19 and Satan would emerge from the bowels of hell
00:07:22 and torment your soul forever.
00:07:26 Well, I guess I can live with that.
00:07:29 Okay.
00:07:31 Good luck, moron.
00:07:33 Thanks, Doc. You're a good man.
00:07:35 [music]
00:07:42 Screw you, hobos!
00:07:44 My Art Café is a recipe for success!
00:07:47 Smoke, tits, and Satan!
00:07:50 Jack, it's not all about the rump shaking and tit twirling.
00:07:54 It's, um...
00:07:56 Jack, you're white.
00:07:57 Whiter than, uh, albino's ass.
00:08:00 Get to the point, dick licks!
00:08:02 White rappers suck.
00:08:04 Say that to Anima!
00:08:06 Four number one hits this year alone!
00:08:09 You can't have that one hit.
00:08:11 Uh, ass hostage?
00:08:13 Exactly!
00:08:15 Inhale my sausage!
00:08:17 I'll make you my ass hostage!
00:08:20 But that wigger was a fluke.
00:08:23 Well, for some street cred,
00:08:25 we do have...
00:08:27 Black Jack.
00:08:29 What?
00:08:30 Roll the tape.
00:08:33 [music]
00:08:51 The all-new Black Jack Burger.
00:08:53 It's hot and it squirts.
00:08:56 You're shit, me!
00:08:58 Where on God's wide earth did you find this hoograt?
00:09:02 Compton Clown School, actually.
00:09:05 Top of his class.
00:09:07 You dumb pricks!
00:09:09 There's already an unfunny fat ass in Hollywood named Jack Black!
00:09:14 No!
00:09:16 It's Black Jack!
00:09:19 F you!
00:09:20 I'm Jack and that's my jail!
00:09:23 And don't you forget it!
00:09:24 There's only one Jack!
00:09:26 But Jack, please!
00:09:28 Tom, grab your kettle kilts and head to the pay-as-you-do through!
00:09:32 Word!
00:09:33 Whatever.
00:09:34 I'll see you later at the petting zoo.
00:09:38 Better watch yourself, O'Malley.
00:09:40 I'll put your punk ass back in the halfway house where I found you!
00:09:48 Yeah, so I'm not going to exercise for a month either.
00:09:51 Which suits me fine.
00:09:53 I mean, this is L.A.
00:09:56 Nobody walks here.
00:10:00 People in L.A. are so lazy, if they could drive to the toilet, they would.
00:10:07 Speaking of toilets, this is my place right up here.
00:10:13 Yeah, my girlfriend's not too hip on this whole experiment thing.
00:10:17 She just hates fast food.
00:10:20 She says it makes her feel all rubbery.
00:10:25 Yeah, we met at a little store in North Hollywood about a year ago.
00:10:35 We fell in love so fast.
00:10:41 So fast, she says she literally felt the wind rush through her body.
00:10:52 Oh, hey, honey, I was just talking about you.
00:11:03 Yeah, she's a little shy around new people sometimes.
00:11:07 All right.
00:11:09 Hey, honey, where'd you put that patch kit?
00:11:14 Left leg's looking a little flat.
00:11:22 Shut your lousy blowhole and listen to me.
00:11:25 It's my body, and if I want to wear a diaper for the rest of my life, that's my problem.
00:11:31 So get off your lazy ass and fix me a bologna sandwich.
00:11:36 I want something nice to eat before I start my Jax diet tomorrow.
00:11:44 Oh, screw me, huh?
00:11:48 Say something now.
00:11:50 That's what I thought.
00:11:53 Psycho.
00:11:56 [music]
00:12:07 Well, this is it.
00:12:08 Day one.
00:12:10 The first meal of the day.
00:12:12 The most important meal of the day.
00:12:14 Breakfast.
00:12:18 Y'all have a Flappy Jax breakfast combo.
00:12:21 This is every kid's dream.
00:12:24 Jax.
00:12:26 For breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:12:31 I got me some Flappy Jax.
00:12:34 [music]
00:12:39 Here goes my first bite.
00:12:43 [music]
00:12:52 Ah.
00:12:55 Who shat in the batter?
00:12:59 Do you eat at Jax?
00:13:01 Not so much, but I think I've eaten there, yeah.
00:13:05 I eat at Jax.
00:13:07 What do you think of Jax food?
00:13:09 It's all greasy and they don't take the time to prepare it right.
00:13:14 I don't know.
00:13:15 I'm gonna get you back.
00:13:17 I hate Jax.
00:13:18 You like Wendy's?
00:13:20 Wendy's?
00:13:22 Yeah, Wendy's nuts are in your mouth.
00:13:26 So you ever get the Jack meat, you know, big size?
00:13:29 Yeah, I've been jacked before.
00:13:32 Man, it was fucking awesome.
00:13:37 Yeah, last time I ordered the Jack burgers, it tasted like feet.
00:13:40 Thank you very much.
00:13:41 Now here's the rules.
00:13:42 I can only eat food from Jax.
00:13:44 If Jax doesn't sell it, I can't eat it.
00:13:47 I have to try every item on the menu.
00:13:51 And finally, I have to eat three squares a day.
00:13:55 Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:13:58 No pussing out.
00:14:00 Well, it's lunch time and I'm about to inhale the Mumbo Jumbo Jax Super Circus Combo.
00:14:06 What size do you want?
00:14:08 Do you want to get Jax?
00:14:09 Yeah, Jack.
00:14:11 [music]
00:14:16 Damn, this thing's about as rare as a full set of teeth at Walmart.
00:14:23 And I got the Dumbo Jumbo Death Defying Drink.
00:14:29 Oh boy.
00:14:35 Oh, that's horrible.
00:14:38 What do we got here?
00:14:41 Ah, cool.
00:14:43 I see a two-headed circus freak action figure.
00:14:48 Sweet.
00:14:50 High dive time.
00:14:52 Woo.
00:14:54 Score, baby.
00:14:57 What do you think Jax food is doing to the public's waistline?
00:15:01 Well, shit.
00:15:02 It's making the whole country a bunch of lard-ass.
00:15:05 And that upsets you?
00:15:07 Is there a mustache in Mexico?
00:15:10 [music]
00:15:13 Now people are doing the unthinkable.
00:15:15 They're suing Jax's greasy ass.
00:15:20 Come on.
00:15:21 We used to eat out quite a bit when we were kids.
00:15:24 This is a new phenomenon.
00:15:25 It's an epidemic.
00:15:27 Kids are growing pubes in preschool.
00:15:29 It's unacceptable.
00:15:30 Period.
00:15:32 And don't even get me started on periods.
00:15:34 It's those damn hormones.
00:15:36 [music]
00:15:40 So listen, Bub.
00:15:41 Here's the deal.
00:15:42 Everybody's getting on fat eating all this fast food all the time.
00:15:45 That's a damn shame.
00:15:46 Did you know that most people eat out 40% of their meals?
00:15:51 I mean, I, of course, eat out a little bit more than that.
00:15:54 If you know what I'm saying.
00:15:59 So, I heard you want to sue Jax.
00:16:02 Oh, yeah.
00:16:03 I am going to sue the suspenders off of that ball-headed, burger-pimping bastard.
00:16:08 I am going to sue Jax until he ain't got jack.
00:16:11 I'm going to sue him until he can't even order off his own value menu.
00:16:14 Are you kidding me?
00:16:16 Yeah, you can quote me on that.
00:16:17 And you've sued food companies before?
00:16:19 Oh, companies, schools.
00:16:21 Oh, shit.
00:16:24 Stella, yeah, where in the hell is the file for the Little Sisters of Mercy?
00:16:28 Huh?
00:16:29 We've got to have that in court today, and I'm not letting those bitches off the hook.
00:16:33 Church has got plenty of money.
00:16:35 The file is not on my desk in one minute.
00:16:37 I'm going to sue you.
00:16:38 Again.
00:16:41 Jack has a team of top-notch lawyers foaming at the mouth for some action.
00:16:45 And occasionally, he fires back.
00:16:48 Come on.
00:16:49 I've been doing this shit a long time.
00:16:52 I just made a ton of cash with Lord of the O-Rings.
00:16:57 Then I just wrapped Butt Pirates of the Caribbean 2.
00:17:01 Now I've got to deal with this crap.
00:17:03 Yeah, I'm currently involved in a lawsuit pending with Jack.
00:17:07 So with the use of this title, jack me.
00:17:19 See, this frigging scum sack says he already owns the phrase.
00:17:26 And now, next month, I've got to drag my ass down to court and settle this shit.
00:17:32 Not to mention, the judge wants to subpoena my two lead stars from Jack.
00:17:37 So how's that going to look?
00:17:39 When the judge says, "Well, Jennifer loves huge dick, and hairy-ass Truman, please take the stand."
00:17:48 Yeah, somebody's going to get jacked all right.
00:17:52 Wah.
00:17:56 Hey, Jax, you have a choice.
00:17:58 You can choose this.
00:18:00 See, you've got your circus midget size.
00:18:02 Or you can choose this size, aka, suicide.
00:18:09 You have a choice.
00:18:10 There is no choice.
00:18:12 I'd rather be butt raped by a large inmate than to take--buy this, rather than buy this.
00:18:19 Shit, you could eat a trunk-load of trout for how much calories you get in this.
00:18:24 And let me tell you, I've done it.
00:18:26 I smell it.
00:18:30 Jax offers various drink sizes to quench your primal thirst.
00:18:33 They've got the circus midget, the clown court, the midway monster, and of course, the Jack Me special, the suicide.
00:18:42 And for the hard cores, thirst the steroid smoothie.
00:18:46 Drink it up.
00:18:50 And Jack also puts a gang of sugar in his drinks, not to mention ingredients more unnatural than a 90-year-old man having a sex change.
00:18:59 And of course, the cherry on top, hormones.
00:19:07 Welcome to Jax. Can I take your order?
00:19:10 Yeah, give me a bearded lady burger, an order of drunken carny curly fries, and a soda.
00:19:17 Okay, go ahead.
00:19:19 Oh wait, you didn't ask me if I wanted to get Jack.
00:19:22 Get your hands off my ass.
00:19:24 What?
00:19:25 Not you, I was talking to my manager.
00:19:28 Oh, okay.
00:19:32 Just look at this thing.
00:19:34 Two pounds of pure Angus fur.
00:19:38 More hair than Burt Reynolds' balls.
00:19:41 Wow.
00:19:43 Not to mention enough curly fries to lasso Louis Anderson, and of course, my favorite, one gallon of highly caffeinated, sugar saturated water.
00:19:59 Oh boy.
00:20:03 Last time I ate that much fur, I was at a swing party in Chatsworth.
00:20:24 [coughing]
00:20:32 Wow.
00:20:34 Hey, a condom.
00:20:43 Jax, it's what's for dinner.
00:20:56 I feel like total crap today, but it's breakfast time, and I ain't quitting now.
00:21:06 Yeah, that's the son of a bitch our camera's caught snooping around one of the restaurants.
00:21:10 It appears he's making a movie or something, probably trying to shut you down.
00:21:13 Looks like a real moron.
00:21:15 Funny you should say that. His name is Moron. Moron Spermlick, to be exact. A real loser. I trailed him to some shit shack out in the woods.
00:21:24 That's good, Jax. I'll take it from there.
00:21:29 The side effects are horrendous. Hair grows in weird spots. Some men even develop breasts. It's like suicide eating it, Jax. It really is.
00:21:41 Yeah, I'm getting this weird pulsating sensation in my schlong area. It's really strange.
00:21:53 Must be all the hormones. Quick, give me another burger.
00:22:00 Deliver!
00:22:03 That's the good thing about L.A. They deliver everything.
00:22:11 Hey, little bitch. I heard you were making a movie about how my food sucks.
00:22:16 No way. Your food's healthy and nutritious?
00:22:19 You're a crap moron. Everybody knows my food ain't fit for a coma patient. If I hear one more story about you, little art-fag film, I'll make you go down on the clouds.
00:22:32 It's video, actually.
00:22:34 Shut your mustache. If I hear any more crap, I'm going to cut your hair to end and you'll be wearing a smile like mine. Got it?
00:22:44 Yes, Jax. I'm sorry.
00:22:47 I'll be watching you.
00:22:57 Let's face it. Fast food will kill you quicker than PCP. And unfortunately, without that bitchin' buzz.
00:23:03 And I don't think America's doing its civil duty, letting its kids run around at all hours into the night at these grease shacks while...
00:23:11 Excuse me, I am up here.
00:23:15 He picks his nose with the TV on.
00:23:17 I'm a pig now, baby, I'm a pig, pig, pig.
00:23:20 He spits his toes when he's feeling gone.
00:23:22 I'm a pig now, baby, you dick.
00:23:25 He goes out on Friday night. Takes off his pants 'cause he's all right.
00:23:31 Furred down, with 20 to go. This two-tug turkey is ready to go, go, go.
00:23:43 Rock!
00:23:48 Take three, go!
00:23:53 Stick it!
00:23:56 Good, rock!
00:24:00 Look, bad stuff happens when you eat this garbage every day.
00:24:04 Things like...
00:24:05 Violent diarrhea.
00:24:07 Soft serve stool.
00:24:10 Yum!
00:24:11 Ring sting.
00:24:14 Projectile vomiting.
00:24:17 Male lactation.
00:24:20 And genital strokes.
00:24:23 In fact, if this continues, half of all kids born in the next five years will become so fat and bloated with hormones,
00:24:31 California will indeed sink into the ocean before the year 2010.
00:24:37 (music)
00:24:40 There are only things hanging out somewhere.
00:24:42 Somebody didn't know where I was.
00:24:43 My hair is in my underwear.
00:24:45 I'm flying someone's head with a little bit of food and chili.
00:24:48 I'm sorry!
00:24:49 You're about to get out with somebody.
00:24:51 There's a woman coming right back to me and saying, "Hey, woman, why can't you shut up and get the hell out of my life?
00:24:56 I don't care what your name is anyway."
00:24:58 Shut up, dog.
00:25:01 Big-tongue fool.
00:25:02 (music)
00:25:15 Without further ado, let's bring out Gerald Funyan.
00:25:20 What's up, World of Warships and Hons?
00:25:22 I'd like to thank all you wonderful kids and faculty for giving me the opportunity to tell my story.
00:25:27 Sit down, nigglet.
00:25:30 Anyways, I never smoked cigarettes without filters, and I never drank liquor that wasn't in a 40-ounce bottle.
00:25:37 My hang-up was Jacks.
00:25:39 And before my last unemployment check, I weighed 400 pounds in the shade.
00:25:44 So I brought a pair of my old droves.
00:25:46 (audience groans)
00:25:47 Oh, snaps. Got 'em backwards.
00:25:50 Anyways, you get it.
00:25:51 My black ass was fat and active.
00:25:55 (music)
00:25:58 ♪ Jack B. ♪
00:26:00 Another one bites the dust, baby.
00:26:02 ♪ Jack B. ♪
00:26:04 I don't think the son of a bitch knew what he was getting into.
00:26:07 I mean, raised in a trailer, abused.
00:26:11 His dad was awful, horrid.
00:26:14 While most kids heard bedtime stories before they went to sleep,
00:26:20 all he heard, usually, was this.
00:26:24 (record scratch)
00:26:26 Yeah, my dad used to get real drunk,
00:26:29 and he'd make me watch Chuck Norris movies in the nude with him.
00:26:34 All night.
00:26:36 (music)
00:26:38 Do you like Jacks food?
00:26:41 Yuck. I prefer something healthy.
00:26:44 What would you rather have other than Jacks?
00:26:47 Well, actually, I prefer a hot grease enema.
00:26:50 Hey, I haven't actually seen you at the club lately.
00:26:52 Where you been, girlfriend?
00:26:54 What are you talking about? We don't know each other.
00:26:57 Don't hate. Masticate.
00:27:00 (music)
00:27:04 Jacks is poison, man.
00:27:06 Do yourself a favor and eat out of the dumpster behind the free clinic.
00:27:11 (laughs)
00:27:12 Well, you pretty much succeeded in reaming out your health.
00:27:16 You gained 10 pounds, and you look like shit.
00:27:19 I look like shit?
00:27:22 Scratch that. You smell like shit.
00:27:26 This is absurd.
00:27:28 Stop it before it's too late!
00:27:32 (music)
00:27:36 That'll be $4.25, sir.
00:27:38 All right, here you go.
00:27:40 Hey, did you want any special sauce with that today?
00:27:43 Yeah, I'll take some special sauce. Thanks.
00:27:45 All right. Hey, hurry, load 'em up.
00:27:48 (music)
00:27:54 Anything else today?
00:27:56 I think that'll be it.
00:27:58 All right, just one minute. We'll take care of your special order.
00:28:01 All right.
00:28:04 It's a special sauce that makes it so much more enjoyable, let me tell you.
00:28:08 (music)
00:28:14 (music)
00:28:23 Oh, boy. Circus Sunday Supreme.
00:28:26 4,000 calories of...
00:28:30 What the hell is this?
00:28:33 Wow, it's disgusting.
00:28:35 Oh, crap, it's a headless rat.
00:28:39 Where's the head?
00:28:41 (gagging)
00:28:43 (music)
00:28:50 Do you ever eat a jack?
00:28:53 No, not unless my microwave is broke.
00:28:56 Not unless I'm feeling suicidal.
00:28:59 We all know this. Fast food is not the greatest thing in the world for us.
00:29:04 But there are just times when it's convenient.
00:29:08 You guys look in pretty good shape. Do you get a lot of exercise?
00:29:11 Do I get a lot of exercise?
00:29:13 Yes, I do.
00:29:17 But listen, it should not be a part of your everyday diet.
00:29:22 Hell, yeah, because when I'm over at your house, like Batman,
00:29:25 he don't even leave without robbing.
00:29:29 It's easy.
00:29:31 You know, you just don't have the time to go and get a proper meal.
00:29:35 So it works.
00:29:38 That's what I'm talking about. I run my shit off.
00:29:41 Yeah, Dad.
00:29:43 What's the grossest thing you've ever found in Jack's food?
00:29:46 One time, he found a roach.
00:29:48 Roach?
00:29:50 Yeah.
00:29:51 What did you do with it?
00:29:52 I smoked it.
00:29:54 (laughing)
00:29:56 (music)
00:29:59 Yeah, these are the first chicken chunks I've had on this sick adventure.
00:30:04 (music)
00:30:10 I can almost hear them clock.
00:30:16 Wow.
00:30:18 I don't know what chunk of the chicken this came off of.
00:30:23 I think it's the pecker.
00:30:26 (laughing)
00:30:28 Mmm.
00:30:32 I think it's the nuggets.
00:30:34 (laughing)
00:30:37 Mmm.
00:30:39 Yowza.
00:30:41 Did you know that chicken's the only animal you eat before it's born and after it's dead?
00:30:46 So, exactly what's in Jack's trapeze chicken chunks?
00:30:51 You have an assortment of goodies in here, actually.
00:30:53 You got your lips, your eyelids, belly buttons, ear lobes, and assholes.
00:30:59 And an occasional foreskin.
00:31:02 (coughing)
00:31:07 (music)
00:31:09 Hello?
00:31:11 Hello?
00:31:12 At Jack's, along with horrible food, usually comes horrible service.
00:31:16 Case in point.
00:31:19 Now, what the fuck do you want?
00:31:21 I'm trying to order some food.
00:31:23 You want a corn dog, bitch?
00:31:24 As a matter of fact--
00:31:26 We're closed. Get the fuck out of here, man.
00:31:28 You guys are fags.
00:31:30 (music)
00:31:39 Yeah, Jack me.
00:31:41 Jack me.
00:31:43 Jack me.
00:31:45 (music)
00:31:50 Oh.
00:31:52 Jack's.
00:31:54 Yeah, I guess one of the negative side effects of this whole experiment was one night I came home and I was a little hopped up from a few burgers
00:32:07 and experienced a violent episode of void rage.
00:32:11 Well, unfortunately, I took it out on the missus here.
00:32:15 (music)
00:32:37 Now, listen, I know he's there.
00:32:40 Put Jack on the phone. The public deserves to know the truth.
00:32:45 (music)
00:32:57 What do you want?
00:32:58 Yeah, I'll have the Dancing Bear Burger Meal and Jack me.
00:33:01 Hey, Leroy, you sound like a homie.
00:33:03 What?
00:33:04 I knew it. I told you.
00:33:05 Fuck you, man.
00:33:06 Your mama's so nasty, she got Ricky around the trailer.
00:33:08 Yeah, whatever.
00:33:09 Listen here, you minimum wage making piece of shit.
00:33:12 Come on up to the window and I'll jack you up.
00:33:14 That's it. Someone's getting jacked here. It's not going to be me.
00:33:18 (music)
00:33:20 Quit pulling my chain, man.
00:33:22 (music)
00:33:35 Do you know what a hormone is?
00:33:37 Yeah, it's like you have too much cholesterol.
00:33:41 It's full of hormones.
00:33:42 It supposedly blows up in me.
00:33:44 It's like you can make more sex. It makes you make more sex.
00:33:49 It's a chemical released by the brain to help the body do things.
00:33:53 Isn't that something your mama does?
00:33:56 With the marshmallow breakdance.
00:33:59 Wait a minute. Did he say marshmallow breakdance?
00:34:02 (garbled speech)
00:34:04 Marshmallow breakdance. Marshmallow Pepsi breakdance.
00:34:08 It turns into food.
00:34:10 To the general public, hormones are pretty much a mystery.
00:34:14 Hormones are molecules that act as signals from one type of cell to another.
00:34:20 When hormones are increased at such a fast rate, as with Jack's food,
00:34:24 this leads to gynecomastia,
00:34:27 which means overly developmental lobules and stroma enlargement.
00:34:31 Basically, it gives you titties.
00:34:34 Something I haven't shared with everyone is the last couple of days,
00:34:40 I started developing breasts.
00:34:43 (music)
00:34:48 Come up here.
00:34:50 So, yeah, it started as this pressure in my chest.
00:34:57 (music)
00:35:05 And, uh, yeah, these things just grew out of nowhere.
00:35:10 But this morning, I looked in the mirror, and we can guess what I did.
00:35:17 That's right. I put milk in my coffee.
00:35:21 You know, I saw a boy yesterday, seven years old,
00:35:25 with a rack, made Pam Anderson look flatter in a TV dinner.
00:35:29 I feel a little heavier.
00:35:31 No offense, but you were no Karen Carpenter to begin with.
00:35:35 Wow!
00:35:37 What, did I gain a lot?
00:35:39 I don't know, but did you see the ass on that intern there?
00:35:42 Damn, she's fine.
00:35:45 Come on, Doc, how much did I gain?
00:35:48 Whoa, about ten pounds. You better slow down, kid.
00:35:55 You may want to invest in a training bra.
00:35:59 It's the Orca Show!
00:36:02 Welcome back, everyone.
00:36:04 We're here with Moron Spermlick, a filmmaker.
00:36:08 Well, actually, it's video.
00:36:09 Whatever, white bread.
00:36:11 So, I hear you want a 30-day diet of Jack's food.
00:36:15 So how you doing health-wise?
00:36:17 Not bad for a man with honkers.
00:36:20 Damn, Conway Titty, that was real?
00:36:23 Oh, yeah, and this is just after a few days of eating Jack's hormone-filled food.
00:36:29 So, what's next? You gonna keep going? Whole 30 days?
00:36:35 Shut up, bitch, I'm talking here.
00:36:38 Well, if I live through the rest of this month,
00:36:41 I'm thinking about doing a whole series of 30-day stunts.
00:36:45 Tired.
00:36:47 Dude, that's played out.
00:36:48 One-trick ponies only work in bestiality films.
00:36:52 Take me, for instance.
00:36:54 This show has something new every time. Keep it new, keep it new.
00:36:58 Well, I mean, I'm gonna change it up every month.
00:37:01 How?
00:37:02 Well, next month I'm gonna punk for speed at truck stops for 30 days.
00:37:06 Okay.
00:37:07 Then I'm gonna embark on a 30-day diet of Gila monster semen.
00:37:11 We get it.
00:37:12 Then it's 30 days of dry-humping lawn fur to bed,
00:37:15 followed by 30 days of huffing dirty laundry in a trailer park.
00:37:19 Thank you, everybody, for tuning in. We'll see you same time tomorrow.
00:37:23 Oh, God, how could she stand in?
00:37:25 Listen, everyone, please, cut the commercial, cut, cut.
00:37:28 You little stupid, stupid, don't you ever hit a woman on my show.
00:37:31 Yeah, let me get two Big Top Tacos with three-ringed onions and a suicide soda.
00:37:38 [Sounds of a car crashing]
00:37:43 I don't know, man.
00:37:47 It's like nobody understands me, and I feel so depressed.
00:37:54 [Sighs]
00:37:57 Shit.
00:38:02 I took his PMS.
00:38:10 I don't know, man.
00:38:12 I'm getting pretty bored with this menu.
00:38:15 Tonight I got the clown-around, corn dog combo and a gallon of caramel apple soda.
00:38:26 I got the cramps, too.
00:38:29 Sorry if I'm a little bitchy and divine.
00:38:35 [Music]
00:38:41 [Music]
00:38:47 [Music]
00:38:52 [Music]
00:38:57 [Music]
00:39:02 [Music]
00:39:07 [Music]
00:39:12 [Music]
00:39:17 [Music]
00:39:22 [Music]
00:39:27 [Music]
00:39:32 [Music]
00:39:37 [Music]
00:39:42 [Music]
00:39:47 [Music]
00:39:52 [Music]
00:39:57 Jack, Jack, we got a real problem.
00:40:00 Ronald's cutting into our profits big time.
00:40:03 We gotta do something about it.
00:40:07 No, honey, I told you I'm leaving the office.
00:40:10 I'll work my nose off today.
00:40:12 [Music]
00:40:15 Hey, McPigface, you took my business, Ronnie.
00:40:19 Now I'm gonna take your life.
00:40:21 Hey, hey, let's talk about this, clown to clown.
00:40:24 All right, then.
00:40:25 [Music]
00:40:28 Hey, die, pussy.
00:40:31 [Music]
00:40:34 [Music]
00:40:39 [Music]
00:40:44 Jack even supplies our local schools with his garbage food
00:40:48 and many prisons as well.
00:40:50 In a recent prison poll, we discovered that most prison riots
00:40:54 erupted after the consumption of Jack's shit-filled food.
00:40:58 [Baby crying]
00:41:03 With Jack's formulated market strategies,
00:41:06 the kids today don't stand a chance.
00:41:09 Hey there, kids.
00:41:10 I'm gonna show you some pictures of some people
00:41:13 and you try to guess who they are.
00:41:16 Okay?
00:41:17 Okay.
00:41:18 Here's the first one.
00:41:20 Yeah.
00:41:21 George Washington.
00:41:23 I don't know.
00:41:24 Who might this be?
00:41:26 I don't know.
00:41:28 George W. Bush.
00:41:29 All right.
00:41:30 Are you gay?
00:41:32 Do you like pitching or catching?
00:41:34 And this one?
00:41:37 I don't know who that is.
00:41:39 Oh, that's Ron Jeremy.
00:41:40 Very good.
00:41:41 And how about this guy?
00:41:44 Jack.
00:41:45 That's easy.
00:41:46 That's Jack.
00:41:47 Very good.
00:41:48 Hey, do you have any booze?
00:41:50 Really, man?
00:41:51 So obviously these kids know Jack and Ron Jeremy.
00:41:55 [Music]
00:42:10 So, have you ever eaten at Jack's?
00:42:12 Dude, only when I'm broke.
00:42:13 But that ain't been lately.
00:42:15 Any advice on staying slim?
00:42:17 Hell yeah.
00:42:18 Get off your fat ass and ride a bike or something, dude.
00:42:21 I mean, you gotta handle your scandal.
00:42:23 [Music]
00:42:28 So, have you ever tried Jack's Big Tuck Burger?
00:42:32 Yeah.
00:42:33 Once.
00:42:35 How was it?
00:42:37 You kidding me?
00:42:38 That shit was tougher than Lance Armstrong's scrotum.
00:42:41 Hmm.
00:42:42 I'll have to try that one.
00:42:45 Whatever, dude.
00:42:46 [Music]
00:42:59 Kids across the nation are being emotionally and physically terrorized by eating this trash.
00:43:06 And we're not going to take it anymore.
00:43:08 Jack, you better watch your greasy ass.
00:43:11 They have some cool toys.
00:43:13 The world's famous for toddler-branded toys, the dolls, the games.
00:43:17 There's Jack-ammon, Jack-opoly, and his latest video game, Jumpin' Jacks.
00:43:24 So, my little Martha comes home the other day with this kids' meals doll.
00:43:28 And she's playing with it, and everything's going really well.
00:43:32 And then she starts to undress it, like kids do.
00:43:35 And--oh, my God, that just isn't right.
00:43:39 What are they doing over there?
00:43:41 [Laughter]
00:43:43 This odd slot of marketing is aimed at grooming the new Biles to serve Jack for life.
00:43:50 Jack.
00:43:51 Well, time for your first blood test.
00:43:54 You nervous?
00:43:56 Not even.
00:43:57 Shit, I got more blood in my stool now than a poodle has pumping through its veins.
00:44:03 [Music]
00:44:09 Jack wasn't always a total asshole.
00:44:14 But I do remember the day he snapped, like it was yesterday.
00:44:19 [Music]
00:44:22 Dad, can I go to the store?
00:44:25 Sure, kids.
00:44:26 Just be careful crossing the street.
00:44:29 [Music]
00:44:53 This poor little shit.
00:44:57 What's going on in here?
00:44:59 Are you giving away my secrets again?
00:45:02 Jack, honey, relax.
00:45:04 Will you relax, you old fucker?
00:45:07 [Music]
00:45:14 Jack has even penetrated our school system.
00:45:17 [Music]
00:45:22 I want help.
00:45:26 What's the grossest thing you ever found in your food here?
00:45:31 Pairs, that's all.
00:45:33 An ear.
00:45:34 A human ear.
00:45:35 I ate it.
00:45:36 I was hungry.
00:45:37 Maybe there's spit every once in a while.
00:45:39 That maggot, yeah, that was pretty bad.
00:45:41 There's like bone and blood and stuff.
00:45:43 How about the dead hamster, I think?
00:45:44 I think we shouldn't beat around the dead hamster.
00:45:47 Well, one morning I woke up in bed and there was a pool of chili under me.
00:45:51 Well, it might not have been chili, but.
00:45:55 This is pretty much the worst piece of shit that I've ever had.
00:46:00 Have you experienced any psychological trauma from eating the food here?
00:46:07 Yeah, at night I just lay awake and I just can't stop thinking about my impending death.
00:46:13 I have been sexually harassed, Jax.
00:46:15 A man came at me with a fry in a sexual manner.
00:46:19 Have you ever met Jack?
00:46:20 Yeah.
00:46:21 He gave me an autograph.
00:46:23 On my last night.
00:46:25 I mean, how can you shovel this shit down these teenagers' necks?
00:46:34 Well, it's pretty easy.
00:46:36 Give us money and we feed them.
00:46:38 But look, she's got two Big Top tacos, cotton candy, and a Sideshow soda?
00:46:46 This is outrageous.
00:46:48 Yeah, and you know what else is outrageous?
00:46:50 What's that?
00:46:51 Your titties are bigger than hers.
00:46:53 I'm not answering any more questions.
00:46:55 Talk to Don Consano.
00:46:57 He's our union food rep.
00:46:59 We feed all the schools in the neighborhood and most of the prisons in the state, too.
00:47:11 Come on, let's take a walk.
00:47:13 Hey, what's this in here?
00:47:18 Oh my God, is that sugar?
00:47:21 Hey, get out of here.
00:47:23 Can't a guy get a little privacy around here?
00:47:25 That ain't sugar.
00:47:27 You got some good shit here, man.
00:47:31 Oh yeah? Was this stuff frozen?
00:47:33 Of course. How do you think we keep it fresh?
00:47:36 So, can I see your freezer?
00:47:38 Of course you can. Let's go.
00:47:43 Okay, this is where the really good stuff, these little shivers are.
00:47:49 This is the corn chips, tortillas, all that white flour stuff that they love.
00:47:56 Okay?
00:47:57 Now over here we got the basic sweets.
00:48:01 White sugar, which is really, really good for them.
00:48:04 It messes with the teachers because it messes with their attention span.
00:48:09 And over here we have Jack's frozen hot wings.
00:48:11 I think he calls them his high wire hot wings or some shit like that.
00:48:15 And, oh shit.
00:48:17 Get that camera out of here. Get it out of here.
00:48:20 Louie, come on man, this ain't funny. Louie, wake up.
00:48:24 Come on man, this ain't funny.
00:48:27 Jack's no good. Last time I eat there, my stomach feel like porcelain punching.
00:48:39 I feel I eat a bad poodle there.
00:48:42 Jack, don't eat there. You'll eat to death.
00:48:50 Jack is no good.
00:48:52 Oh, let's see.
00:49:01 Ah, tasty local dish.
00:49:04 Yeah, give me the kung fu combo. Yeah.
00:49:08 We are out of it. Can you order something else?
00:49:11 Hmm, oh shit man, that's the one I really want.
00:49:14 Don't you understand, Rawhide? We're right out of it.
00:49:17 I told you to order something else, bitch.
00:49:20 Do you have anything that's like that? Similar?
00:49:23 Get the hell out of here, fuck face.
00:49:37 And it seems that even the teachers and phys ed instructors are poisoned by the Jack plague.
00:49:43 So, do you think our kids are getting enough exercise in our school yards these days?
00:49:47 Oh yeah. Over here we got the boys basketball.
00:49:51 And over here we got the girls soccer.
00:49:56 Damn, I like to bend that like Beckham.
00:49:59 Do you like the food served here at school? Yeah, it's pretty good. It's good.
00:50:03 What's your favorite thing to eat here? The crazy clown kid's meal.
00:50:07 Yeah, it's great. We don't even have to go to Jack's anymore.
00:50:10 Exactly, the food comes to us. Right here in the cafeteria. It's sweet.
00:50:15 Come on now, you know these kids are getting Jack. Just look at him.
00:50:20 Cooper, pass the goddamn ball you little ball hog.
00:50:23 He's a hog, alright.
00:50:25 Coach, fast food is killing these innocent kids.
00:50:28 This is a Mr. Movie Guy, whoever you think you are. These are good kids.
00:50:32 The last thing we need is some wannabe biker fag coming around here and screwing things up.
00:50:36 And you smoke? Oh yeah. A lot?
00:50:42 Yeah, I go through maybe two, three lighters a day.
00:50:45 Hey, low pitch.
00:50:48 The coach gets angry too much at us.
00:50:52 Yeah, we don't really like him. He's a loser. I hate him.
00:50:56 Anderson, put that hustler down and give me 20.
00:50:59 I don't think that kid can do push-ups right now. Listen, this isn't healthy.
00:51:03 What are you talking about, this isn't healthy?
00:51:06 These kids are okay, you butt lick. Oh, to the K.
00:51:10 So why don't you take your handlebar or mustache and ride it back to Frisco, you big homo.
00:51:25 Hey, time's up. Get your fat asses inside.
00:51:29 I want pizza. I want pizza.
00:51:38 I want pizza. Don't eat no pizza.
00:51:42 I want pizza. I want pizza.
00:51:46 Does the public even realize what's in a sack of Jacks?
00:51:50 I mean, we know that Jack targets the kids.
00:51:53 But what about us, the adults?
00:51:55 So I went in search of a nutritional fact sheet of Jacks.
00:51:58 Hey, can I get a Jacks fact sheet?
00:52:01 Do you have a Jacks fact sheet?
00:52:07 A who?
00:52:09 Nutritional information sheet.
00:52:11 I didn't know we don't.
00:52:13 Does your food have hormones in it?
00:52:15 I can't read it. What happened to you?
00:52:18 Hi, can I get a nutrition sheet?
00:52:20 What you want to know?
00:52:22 I want to know what's in Jacks food.
00:52:24 Shit. Torn out cookouts, roaches, all kinds of nasty ass shit.
00:52:30 Well, you can see that Jack likes to hide the facts.
00:52:33 I couldn't find one lousy nutrition sheet anywhere.
00:52:37 Too many calories. I'm dry. This is where the calories come from.
00:52:42 So, in summation, as you can see from the chart,
00:52:45 your company's profits have been in a sharp decline much of the past year,
00:52:48 except for a very small spike here and...
00:52:50 What happened there?
00:52:51 Well, that's when your rival, Ronald McDoodle, was found dead lying on the pavement.
00:52:55 Now listen, the point is this.
00:52:57 Jacks is very image challenged, but that is why I'm here.
00:53:01 I'm going to help Jacks evoke a new, public-friendly image.
00:53:06 Listen, sugar house, I'm fighting the last bump like the guy to fix my image.
00:53:11 Jack, wake up and smell the poontang.
00:53:14 Bad press is murder in this business.
00:53:16 Why, just the other night, I saw some dropout film school fag on the Orca show
00:53:21 talking about how bad your food was for people to eat.
00:53:24 I don't watch that shitty show.
00:53:26 What you need is damage control.
00:53:28 B.S. What we need is a new sandwich.
00:53:31 Jack, you care to do the honors?
00:53:33 Have a seat, Sally.
00:53:34 It's Sheila.
00:53:36 Oh, whatever.
00:53:37 Are you ready out there, Roxy?
00:53:39 Introducing the new...
00:53:42 Jack Rabbit Burger.
00:53:45 Mmm.
00:53:48 Rabbit meat? Are you serious?
00:53:51 It's lean, it's abundant.
00:53:53 It's cheap.
00:53:54 No way, you guys. The public will freak.
00:53:57 Listen, Shirley.
00:53:58 It's Sheila.
00:54:00 Whatever.
00:54:02 She hasn't even heard the slogan yet.
00:54:05 All right, well, let's hear it.
00:54:07 The new Jack Rabbit Burger.
00:54:09 This time you'll be glad the rabbit died.
00:54:12 Yes!
00:54:14 And this is your solution?
00:54:16 Pumping toxic hormones into little bunny burgers?
00:54:20 I'd rather be pumping that bunny.
00:54:23 That could be a raid!
00:54:24 And you got an awful big bush trying to come in here
00:54:28 and turn our business sideways.
00:54:30 No shit!
00:54:31 Speaking of bush, I'd like to sink my teeth into that belt.
00:54:35 Yeah.
00:54:36 Done!
00:54:37 For your information, boys,
00:54:39 I happen to have a degree in marketing and advertising.
00:54:42 I can't believe it.
00:54:44 What, that I have a degree?
00:54:46 No, that you're still here.
00:54:49 Listen, dammit.
00:54:51 Give us a minute alone here, Roxy.
00:54:53 And leave the burger.
00:54:55 I want this thing here to take a bite.
00:54:58 Hey, now, come on.
00:55:00 Show us those bunny breaths.
00:55:02 Ah, that's what I'm talking about!
00:55:05 Kapow! High five!
00:55:07 That is it! I've had enough with both of you.
00:55:10 (Groaning)
00:55:13 Oh, chill, Cheryl.
00:55:15 For the last time, it's Sheila, dick-brat!
00:55:19 And I've got the floor now.
00:55:21 As for you, you big, ball-headed, egotistical,
00:55:24 or should I say testicle, sad excuse for a circus clown,
00:55:28 go ahead and run your company to the ground, see if I care.
00:55:31 The worst that's going to happen is people might actually live a little bit longer.
00:55:35 I must have been smoking crack to think I could work with a couple of shit-licks like you.
00:55:40 Now, wait a minute. We were just, uh, razzing you a little.
00:55:44 Suck my tit.
00:55:47 (Laughing)
00:55:53 High five.
00:55:59 Hey, can I get the, uh, bumper car bacon biscuit and the ponytail potato pieces?
00:56:06 Well, last time I saw this much trash was at my family reunion.
00:56:19 Up yours! I'm not quitting now!
00:56:29 Yeah, I know it's only 8 in the morning, so I'm drinking a goddamn beer.
00:56:34 Get over it!
00:56:36 (Groaning)
00:56:42 I don't know, man. I don't know if it's worth it.
00:56:52 My body's a wreck.
00:56:55 Then I got my first period.
00:56:59 That was a nightmare.
00:57:02 What the hell have I done?
00:57:07 Fuck.
00:57:09 So, you've been really down in the dumps, huh?
00:57:14 Yeah.
00:57:16 Well, if it's any consolation, I must say that your jugs look faggots.
00:57:21 Thanks, that's a push-up bra.
00:57:25 I have a chart here.
00:57:27 I'm afraid the results aren't good.
00:57:30 Maura, do you want to end up a big, fat, bloated pig with a hog's face and an elephant's ass?
00:57:37 (Phone ringing)
00:57:40 Oh, hey, honey, I was just talking about you.
00:57:44 One second. It's my wife.
00:57:46 And there's only one item on Jack's menu that doesn't contain sugar or hormones.
00:57:51 It's the water.
00:57:53 Jack's secret circus water.
00:57:56 (Laughing)
00:57:59 Some Jack's restaurants offer salads to appease the critics,
00:58:03 but the roughage is genetically modified and about as appetizing as, well, you get it.
00:58:09 (Barking)
00:58:10 Hop on up there.
00:58:12 I'm feeling a little bloated.
00:58:14 Look, Radiant, get up there.
00:58:20 See, it's only two pounds.
00:58:22 I can bet you that's all booby.
00:58:24 Hey, aren't you going to buy me dinner first?
00:58:27 (Music playing)
00:58:31 (Laughing)
00:58:37 Man, this stuff's like crack.
00:58:40 I was feeling horrible.
00:58:42 But once I got some Jack's in me, I was feeling alive again.
00:58:52 Oh, honey, give me a beer.
00:59:02 Hey, get out of here, man. I'm trying to back one out.
00:59:07 Oh, mommy, I'm so scared.
00:59:10 Sing me that little song you used to sing me when I was five.
00:59:14 Oh, you big, fat pussy, suck it up.
00:59:16 The next thing you're going to tell me is you're growing tits.
00:59:22 (Laughing)
00:59:25 (Barking)
00:59:34 As you can see, I now crave Jack's food all the time.
00:59:38 In fact, I've been having strange cravings a lot lately.
00:59:41 I hope that weirdo I met behind the homeless shelter didn't knock me out.
00:59:46 Not to mention I've gained quite a few pounds and sprouted some decent melons.
00:59:54 And my favorite part of the day, laying around, eating Jack's, watching my tits grow.
01:00:05 Good time.
01:00:09 So we enlisted a couple of nutritionists to call Jack's headquarters
01:00:13 and see if they could recommend any healthy items off their menu.
01:00:18 So how often do you recommend eating at Jack's?
01:00:20 That depends. How long do you want to live?
01:00:23 And what's the healthiest item I can eat at a Jack's restaurant?
01:00:27 Probably the napkins.
01:00:31 But how could I have a tumor? I've only had them for a couple of weeks.
01:00:36 I keep trying to tell you it's Jack's crappy food.
01:00:39 A man your age should be having a vasectomy, not a mastectomy.
01:00:44 So you want to hear the good news?
01:00:46 Sure.
01:00:47 We only have to remove one.
01:00:49 Oh, great. So now I'm going to be running around town with just one tit swinging?
01:00:53 Moron, don't worry.
01:00:55 It's a really simple procedure that I've performed on at least half a dozen farm animals.
01:01:01 Come on, don't be a pussy.
01:01:04 [music]
01:01:20 I'm getting attached to that thing.
01:01:25 [music]
01:01:32 [crying]
01:01:38 Oh, man. I'm having hot flashes.
01:01:43 I just soiled the bed. It's like 2 in the morning.
01:01:48 Oh, boy. My bandages need changing.
01:01:52 I think I've finally hit rock bottom.
01:01:56 [music]
01:02:04 I just ate a cheeseburger.
01:02:06 [music]
01:02:12 [music]
01:02:26 Screw your life up. Your body officially hates you.
01:02:30 Stop this before you die.
01:02:34 Gina, get your big butt in here and get me some coffee.
01:02:41 Yeah, I'm really scared.
01:02:43 I can't remember ever feeling this bad, except that time you wanted to experiment
01:02:49 and that vibrator knocked out all my teeth.
01:02:52 Thanks, honey. I love you, too.
01:02:55 All right. Goodbye.
01:02:58 [music]
01:03:07 Years ago, I took an oath to look out for the best interest of my patients.
01:03:13 Do you know, I've been asking myself if I am indeed doing that.
01:03:20 See, Moron doesn't have any friends,
01:03:25 except for maybe his own gutter slut mother.
01:03:29 And she's been in and out of jail throughout most of his pathetic life.
01:03:34 [music]
01:03:38 Now she's in a mental rehab facility out in Claremont.
01:03:42 [screaming]
01:03:44 [panting]
01:03:48 And I think this whole experiment is a result of many years of pain and neglect.
01:03:54 [music]
01:03:59 Poor Moron. Those who risk everything usually don't have much to live for.
01:04:06 [music]
01:04:10 [laughing]
01:04:19 [music]
01:04:25 The day I got out of San Quentin, the very first bus stop was right here.
01:04:30 So I got out and took a crap. Right there.
01:04:34 So I came over to the counter and experienced my very first Big Top Burger.
01:04:38 Last year, I ate 2,148 burgers.
01:04:42 [laughing]
01:04:43 I think I hold the world's record.
01:04:45 You ever run out of money and get a Big Top Jones?
01:04:48 Ah, hell no. One trip to the men's room, I can make 20 bucks.
01:04:52 Same room I crapped in 10 years ago.
01:04:55 Call it fate.
01:04:57 Wow. Big Top Burger number 20,000.
01:05:01 [laughing]
01:05:02 That looks real.
01:05:03 [laughing]
01:05:14 Thanks a lot, Don.
01:05:16 Hey, you want to make a quick 20 bucks?
01:05:18 [laughing]
01:05:25 My artwork is all about Jack.
01:05:28 He fascinates me.
01:05:30 I spent hours on this masterpiece.
01:05:33 Nice.
01:05:34 This is me.
01:05:37 And this is Jack holding a sword.
01:05:40 He has me chained up so that I'll eat all the crumbs off his dirty floor.
01:05:46 Very nice.
01:05:47 This one, Jack is bitch slapping me to kingdom come
01:05:53 because I spilled a jar of scalding hot mayonnaise all over his lap.
01:05:59 Cool.
01:06:00 And this...
01:06:01 Oh, shit.
01:06:03 This one's not finished yet.
01:06:06 [laughing]
01:06:08 Put Jack on the phone, I said.
01:06:11 Sorry, pal. He went bowling.
01:06:13 Well, you told him to jig us up.
01:06:15 Screw you.
01:06:16 And screw you, too.
01:06:19 I mean, this is hard for me to do.
01:06:21 I mean, people need to know about Jack.
01:06:23 They need to know the truth.
01:06:26 See, back in college, we used to eat Jack's all the time.
01:06:32 Who knew?
01:06:33 Who knew?
01:06:34 Well, I got to go.
01:06:35 It's time for my self-breast exam.
01:06:37 I do one every hour.
01:06:38 You know, you can never be too careful.
01:06:41 Yeah, we traced the calls back to his trailer.
01:06:44 No shit.
01:06:51 Hey, moron!
01:06:52 Whoa!
01:06:53 You're bucking up the wrong bus, queer beat.
01:06:56 Easy, Jack. What are you talking about?
01:06:58 The TV shows, the phone calls.
01:07:00 That wasn't me. I don't even know your number.
01:07:03 Well, I got yours, punk.
01:07:05 And if I got one more report of you snooping around,
01:07:08 I'll make panties out of your ass
01:07:11 and soda out of your piss!
01:07:14 [music]
01:07:36 Actually, he is one of our better dancers.
01:07:41 [music]
01:07:42 I dance for Jack.
01:07:45 I love Jack.
01:07:47 [music]
01:07:53 I'm crazy for Jack.
01:07:55 [music]
01:08:04 I dance for Jack.
01:08:06 [music]
01:08:12 Jack rules.
01:08:14 Do you know where Jack's headquarters is?
01:08:16 No. He's always in an office in his commercials.
01:08:18 I don't know where it is. Is this San Diego? I don't know where it is.
01:08:21 Yeah. Up the road, hang a left, follow the trail of dead animals.
01:08:29 So now we have what are called Jackheads.
01:08:31 These people that will do just about anything to wolf down that next fight.
01:08:35 I mean, just the other week I heard of these kids in Iowa
01:08:38 that stabbed a Jack's employee in the neck with a sharpened corn dog stick.
01:08:42 Jack attacks. Not a pretty sight.
01:08:45 Jackheads are popping up everywhere these days.
01:08:48 It's pretty scary.
01:08:50 And no one really knows the long-term effects of Jack's food.
01:08:53 When these hormones saturate our brain functions,
01:08:56 they confuse the neurotransmitters,
01:08:58 causing severe mental derangement, mood swings, and anxiety.
01:09:03 In other words, it will make you crazier than a cross-eyed crack whore.
01:09:07 [music]
01:09:22 Yeah, I was strung out on Jack's for years.
01:09:25 I still think about all the people I hurt when I was high on Jack's.
01:09:29 My friends, my old ladies.
01:09:32 I fractured my grandma's skull with a chain off a mini-bike for crying out loud.
01:09:39 Well, actually, she kind of deserved it.
01:09:42 She took some of my fries without asking.
01:09:46 [music]
01:09:52 Listen to me! Now you listen to me!
01:09:55 I'm here with you!
01:09:57 Every day it's the same thing!
01:09:59 You get up, you wash your ass, and you stick with us.
01:10:03 Company gave me a restraining order to stay off their property, see?
01:10:07 But I'm their only son.
01:10:09 My daughter Jack's a deadbeat.
01:10:11 She says, "I'm not his. I'm not his."
01:10:14 Why do I look just like him, huh? Huh?
01:10:17 [music]
01:10:19 [screams]
01:10:21 My favorite song is "Past the Arm Muppet."
01:10:25 It goes a little bit like this.
01:10:27 [singing]
01:10:32 [screams]
01:10:35 [music]
01:10:40 [screams]
01:10:45 [music]
01:10:51 I said I put down a dead end.
01:10:53 [music]
01:10:58 What the hell?
01:11:00 [music]
01:11:05 I'm here to speak to Jack.
01:11:07 Sorry, I can't help you.
01:11:08 Come on, you sure you can't just let me see him?
01:11:10 No.
01:11:11 All right, nothing I can do.
01:11:12 You sure about that?
01:11:13 Yeah, sorry, I can't help you. You need to get out of here.
01:11:15 You sure there isn't something I can do?
01:11:17 Nothing that comes to mind.
01:11:18 Yeah.
01:11:19 [music]
01:11:26 [sighs]
01:11:28 I finally done it. I got past security.
01:11:31 [music]
01:11:40 Where's Jack?
01:11:41 I'll call you right back.
01:11:43 Who the hell are you?
01:11:44 I'm your company's worst fear.
01:11:48 The FDA?
01:11:49 No, I'm making a movie about the damage that your company does to America.
01:11:54 So what do you want to know?
01:11:56 Let's start with the simple questions first.
01:11:59 Okay.
01:12:00 How would you describe Jack's food?
01:12:05 Bowel packing?
01:12:06 I have something I want to show you.
01:12:08 Hey, hey, hey, I'm married.
01:12:10 Holy Cyclops kid.
01:12:12 What do you have to say about this?
01:12:15 Where do you shop for bras?
01:12:18 This is from the hormones in your fat-ridden food.
01:12:21 Hogwash.
01:12:22 Fat-ridden?
01:12:23 We have a lot of low-calorie items on our menu.
01:12:26 Do you even know what a calorie is?
01:12:28 A calorie?
01:12:29 Um, yeah, calorie.
01:12:32 Uh, starts with a C, an S, uh, calorie.
01:12:36 Uh, let us find out what a calorie is.
01:12:40 So how did such an imbecile get a job like this?
01:12:44 Well, Times Sanitation Department really, uh, wasn't hiring.
01:12:49 Well, it's no secret.
01:12:51 You used to work for your competitors, McDoodles.
01:12:55 Uh, well, okay, okay, you got me.
01:12:58 They let me go, but it couldn't happen to anybody.
01:13:02 Why?
01:13:03 Money laundering, fraud, embezzlement, uh, sexual harassment.
01:13:08 They dropped that one.
01:13:10 I gotta go.
01:13:12 Well, if you're waiting on the Food Channel, they're not coming.
01:13:15 Our food is an icon of health.
01:13:18 Uh, come in, come in.
01:13:20 Just a second.
01:13:22 Sorry, Mr. Singer.
01:13:23 We finished making patties.
01:13:25 Our hands are killing us.
01:13:26 Can we take a break?
01:13:28 Uh, okay, take 20 minutes, but put down 30.
01:13:32 All right.
01:13:33 Okay.
01:13:34 Uh, wait, do any of you guys know what a calorie is?
01:13:37 No.
01:13:38 No.
01:13:39 Huh.
01:13:40 Okay, you can go.
01:13:43 It's a miracle these guys are even alive.
01:13:46 Huh, it's a miracle they even speak English.
01:13:50 Did you know Jack hires illegal aliens?
01:13:53 No comprende.
01:13:54 Hey, get back here.
01:13:55 No English.
01:13:56 Come here.
01:13:57 I mean, how do you sleep at night?
01:13:59 Usually in the nude.
01:14:00 Uh, I gotta go.
01:14:02 I have an appointment.
01:14:03 So pack your shit and bounce, honky.
01:14:07 [music]
01:14:14 Why do you think there's no fast food joints in Beverly Hills?
01:14:17 Because I think people in Beverly Hills are really snotty and they wouldn't go to a fast food.
01:14:22 They could afford something more expensive, and so that's probably where they go.
01:14:25 Man, they ain't got no Jack Shacks in the 210.
01:14:29 They don't even feed that shit to their pets.
01:14:32 [laughter]
01:14:34 [music]
01:14:38 Just one more day to go.
01:14:41 As I reflect back on my experience, I just wonder, was it all worth it?
01:14:50 [music]
01:14:58 [screaming]
01:15:03 Come on, moron.
01:15:04 One more day to go.
01:15:06 Let's see how much you gain.
01:15:09 Wow.
01:15:10 You look good in diapers.
01:15:13 [music]
01:15:30 Will that complete your order, or would you like something else today, sir?
01:15:34 Yeah, a side show salad, thank you.
01:15:37 Hey, motherfucker, give me some change.
01:15:39 Yeah, hold on.
01:15:40 My mama said give me some change, Peckerwood.
01:15:42 One second.
01:15:43 Yeah, Jack me.
01:15:44 Hey, one-titty motherfucker, I'm going to jack you right now.
01:15:47 [music]
01:16:03 Fuck this.
01:16:06 Come on, Jack.
01:16:07 It's time to take this guy out.
01:16:08 What's the problem?
01:16:09 The problem is he's my best customer.
01:16:11 Jack, let me handle it.
01:16:14 I got this dick.
01:16:16 Wait a minute.
01:16:17 That sounds a little weird.
01:16:19 I know what you mean.
01:16:22 [music]
01:16:31 Well, this is it, the final test.
01:16:34 Over the course of 30 days, I gained 28 pounds, puked my guts out, grew knockers, had one removed, shit a river of jacked juice, fashioned a diaper, got my ass kicked and carjacked.
01:16:50 Only one more meal to go.
01:16:53 [music]
01:17:16 Hey, I'll get it.
01:17:18 [music]
01:17:25 What's wrong with you, boy?
01:17:27 You look like you're having a bad life.
01:17:29 I guess so.
01:17:30 What do you mean you guess so?
01:17:32 Hey, how would you feel about getting naked and watching Chuck Norris movies?
01:17:35 Huh?
01:17:36 Dad?
01:17:37 Son?
01:17:38 [music]
01:17:39 Taking it easy.
01:17:40 [music]
01:17:45 Get your ass back in here, boy.
01:17:47 [music]
01:18:13 Where is that dildo?
01:18:19 Say goodbye, moron.
01:18:21 [music]
01:18:35 What happened to him, man?
01:18:37 Hey, look, it's Jack.
01:18:40 Hey, what happened?
01:18:42 I don't know, man. He just keeled over.
01:18:44 Oh, God, it must have been something he ate.
01:18:47 Yeah, we almost made it.
01:18:51 [music]
01:19:19 Oh, shit. I've forgotten my Bible.
01:19:22 Does anyone have a Bible handy?
01:19:28 Come on, Father, let's get this over with.
01:19:31 Really, man? I've got to take a crap.
01:19:36 Moron was a good man with lots of friends.
01:19:41 You're right.
01:19:45 You are one funny guy, Doc.
01:19:48 Let's blow this graveyard and go get loaded.
01:19:50 Oh, Doctor, you put the fun in funeral.
01:19:59 I guess he won't be needing you anymore.
01:20:11 [music]
01:20:35 I like a ride home, Jack.
01:20:50 Jack Brees!
01:21:06 [music]
01:21:35 [laughing]
01:21:44 [music]
01:22:13 [music]
01:22:42 [music]
01:23:02 [music]
01:23:22 [music]
01:23:42 [music]
01:24:11 [music]
01:24:21 [music]
01:24:41 [music]
01:25:01 [music]
01:25:21 [music]
01:25:41 [music]
01:26:01 [BLANK_AUDIO]