Welcome To City British Wrestling | CBW S01E01 | partsFUNknown - video Dailymotion

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Every week, follow the exploits of Oli, Laurie, Luke, Adam and Lolo as they roleplay wrestlers in the fictional world of City British Wrestling *Relevant video*  For exclusive Early Access to the next episode check out our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/partsFUNknown  Subscribe: https://bit.ly/2J2Hl6q | Make sure to enable ALL push notifications! Watch More PartFUNknown: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLvCO_flsEnKylfKTab7Q92RDBN-fOz0m  #partsfunknown #wrestling #  Episode 1 of CBW is finally here. Every week, follow the exploits of Oli, Laurie, Luke, Adam and Lolo as they roleplay wrestlers in the fictional world of City British Wrestling, as ever hosted by Tom, CBW's Head of Creative.  Slight error: Lolo can actually be found @lolobrow on all social media  CBW uses a system based on World Wide Wrestling, designed by Nathan D. Paoletta. To experience the full game, check it out at https://ndpdesign.com/  Follow PartsFUNknown TWITTER: https://twitter.com/partsFUNknown FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/partsFUNknown  QuizzleMania: A Wrestling Comedy Quiz Show! On Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/quizzlemania-a-wrestling-comedy-quiz-show/id1482419385  City British Wrestling: The Official Podcast Feed on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/episode/6RfWW29m4sk070YC03Kx5y  About PartsFunknown How Adam Would Book, No Rolls Barred, Explained. PFK makes wrestling EXTRA FUN. For brand partnerships, contact: dominic@playbookmedia.co.uk

Transcript

00:00:00 Hello, I'm Adam Hailing from PartsFunKnown and welcome to the first episode of No Rolls

00:00:07 Barred, our brand new wrestling RPG series.

00:00:11 Now before we start, just to let you know that the system we'll be using today and

00:00:16 for the entire series is based on an existing game called Worldwide Wrestling, designed

00:00:21 by Nathan D. Paoletta.

00:00:23 It's actually a simplified version of that game we're using, so if you like this episode

00:00:28 and want to check out the full experience, perhaps play a game of your own, please check

00:00:32 out Nathan's website, link in the description below.

00:00:36 Now before I throw you into the action, because this is our very first episode, let me run

00:00:42 through how this game works.

00:00:45 So follow me over to my rules table.

00:00:49 So the players in No Rolls Barred, represented by these adorable little pieces of collectible

00:00:54 intellectual property, are going to be put in promos, matches and segments by the DM.

00:00:59 Every time they do something which requires skill or luck, they're going to roll two D6

00:01:05 dice and tell us the result.

00:01:07 Each result is going to be changed by stats and every single class, be they wrestler or

00:01:13 high flyer, in this case monster, in this case technician, they're going to have different

00:01:17 stats.

00:01:18 For example, they'll have look, which is to do with their gimmick, how charismatic they

00:01:22 are, power, which is based on, you know, how powerful they are, real, which is how good

00:01:29 they are at working stiff and actually injuring people, and of course their work, which is

00:01:34 how good they are at doing the wrestling.

00:01:37 So that's pretty much all there is to it.

00:01:38 You ask to do something, you roll some dice and if the result, based on adding your stat,

00:01:44 adds up to more than seven, you've succeeded at it.

00:01:47 If it's more than ten, that is a hard success.

00:01:50 If it's less than seven, oh noes, you've failed.

00:01:55 Each time the GM will describe what happens.

00:01:58 But if you roll a double six, that's a critical success with fantastic results.

00:02:04 However, if you roll snake eyes, a double one, that is a critical fail which will have

00:02:10 disastrous consequences.

00:02:13 That is all you need to know to play.

00:02:16 So sit tight and enjoy the first episode of No Rolls Barred.

00:02:20 I'm going to drop you now into the world of CBW.

00:02:24 Take it away, Tom.

00:02:27 Hello and welcome to City British Wrestling, where the big boys are big boys.

00:02:32 I'm Tom, head of creative here at CBW.

00:02:34 Let me introduce you to our players.

00:02:36 Hi I'm Laurie, I am playing Tony the Milkman, who is the veteran class.

00:02:42 I'm Oli, I'm playing Golden Joe, who's the golden boy.

00:02:47 I'm Luke and I'm playing Silver Bro, the brother of Golden Joe, I'm the gatekeeper.

00:02:55 Hi my name's Lolo and I will be playing the Denimatrix and I am the anti-hero.

00:03:01 Hi I'm Adam, I'm Kid Flips and I'm the high flyer.

00:03:06 That's cool.

00:03:09 Right, let's do a fight.

00:03:12 We find ourselves in a packed concert hall, audience sitting on three sides.

00:03:17 On one end of the room, a long steel ramp leading to the ring which waits in the centre.

00:03:22 The whole arena is decked out in the red, gold and blue of City British Wrestling.

00:03:29 The audience are cheering, clapping, screaming for blood.

00:03:33 Kill someone!

00:03:35 A voice comes in over the announced speaker.

00:03:44 Welcome everyone to City British Wrestling and welcome to Sunday Night Lightning.

00:03:57 Prepare yourselves as these turnbuckle titans clash inside and outside the ropes in the

00:04:04 name of power, pride and personal vendetta.

00:04:10 Let's waste no more time and welcome to the ring your current City British Champion, Apex.

00:04:24 The audience hushes, the lights dim everywhere except for the very top of the ramp where

00:04:30 backlit by a sickly green and grey glow steps out a absolute mountain of a man.

00:04:36 Easily standing seven feet tall, carved as it carved from granite or stone.

00:04:41 This massive, broad-shouldered, nasty looking fella wearing these heavy looking work trousers,

00:04:48 big thick heavy looking boots.

00:04:50 Head bowed and covered by a piece of cloth serving as some kind of makeshift hood.

00:04:54 A belt made of steel chain wrapped around his waist.

00:04:58 More steel chain wrapped around his wrist as Gauntlet stands there and just listens

00:05:02 to the silence.

00:05:08 Then slowly makes his way down the ramp towards the ring.

00:05:12 There is a heavy clang under each footstep and you see as his foot leaves the ground

00:05:17 that he has left a dent in the metal.

00:05:20 Oh my god!

00:05:21 What a big boy.

00:05:22 His huge chest rises and falls and rises and falls and rises and falls.

00:05:30 As he reaches the bottom of the ramp he stands, raises his head, pulls back his hood and this

00:05:37 shaved bald, thick jawed, deep set eyed, snarling face just glares at the assembled

00:05:44 CBW audience.

00:05:47 He breathes in thickly through his nose, puts one hand on one of the ropes and then

00:05:52 bolts himself in one feet of incredible muscular strength up and over and into the ring.

00:05:59 Walk slowly to the centre you can see the mattress itself almost seems to buckle under

00:06:02 the sheer density of his muscular weight.

00:06:05 Big boy.

00:06:06 And as his music fades he reaches for a mic.

00:06:20 I am strong.

00:06:28 You are all weak.

00:06:35 You have the power to defeat me in or outside the ring.

00:06:49 In five weeks time, the day after the colossal tussle, I will have been city British champion

00:07:00 for one thousand days.

00:07:03 Wow, that's a lot of days.

00:07:06 And there is no one who can stop me.

00:07:11 First of all there is just dry ice everywhere and slow lasers in sets of four crossing and

00:07:24 up and down, up and down.

00:07:25 Everyone turns, firstly at the top of the ramp there is a giant zipper.

00:07:31 A huge denim beautiful canvas and as it slowly unzips, seductively yet powerfully.

00:07:41 It's a gigantic fly.

00:07:44 It's a gigantic fly.

00:07:47 All the way down to the base and then twenty mechanical robot pairs of jeans run down the

00:07:56 ramp in a sexy stampede and they all start dancing in unison and then denim jackets come

00:08:04 out as well and they are all just dancing as if they are invisible people.

00:08:08 The denim jackets can fly a little bit.

00:08:10 And then on a little tiny motorbike made of nothing but denim rides in a ridiculously

00:08:20 badass woman head to toe in ripped stonewashed denim with a full denim mask and a huge green

00:08:28 pony and eyes that look like she is going to kill you.

00:08:32 She rides the bike down the ramp, jumps off the bike, flips and then lands on the jeans

00:08:39 that are now in a giant human pyramid.

00:08:42 She stands on top, snaps her fingers, they drop, not only do they drop, they disappear

00:08:48 and she stands there in full glory.

00:08:55 Woooooo!

00:08:56 Denim!

00:08:57 Denim!

00:08:58 Denim!

00:08:59 Denim!

00:09:00 Denim!

00:09:01 Denim!

00:09:02 Denim!

00:09:03 All these half people just walking around in the wrong trousers just running around.

00:09:07 I've just got so many people in my pocket.

00:09:10 Oh it's so good to be here.

00:09:13 Oh look at you.

00:09:16 You've just grown so much.

00:09:19 Look at your smiling little face.

00:09:22 How long have you been reigning?

00:09:25 Is it ten days?

00:09:28 Is it?

00:09:29 Oh sorry, is it ten days?

00:09:31 Aww.

00:09:32 Do you know what?

00:09:33 You look like you could put up a really good shelf.

00:09:36 Do you put up shelves or are you just there to get things off the top ones?

00:09:41 No.

00:09:42 Roll on look.

00:09:44 That is seven.

00:09:46 No it's not.

00:09:48 No it's not.

00:09:50 That is five!

00:09:52 Sorry I thought you had more look than that.

00:09:57 I do, it's fine.

00:09:58 Apex reaches out a massive skull sized hand, closes it around your microphone and just

00:10:04 crushes it into electrostatic and metallic powder.

00:10:08 It's okay I don't need a microphone.

00:10:10 I've got a voice loud enough for the stadium.

00:10:14 Aww you should really look after your anger management sweet pea.

00:10:19 You are very lucky I have a match to fight.

00:10:26 Very, very lucky.

00:10:29 Please tell me where you got those bangles from.

00:10:34 That is strike one.

00:10:38 Out of how many dear?

00:10:41 That is strike two.

00:10:45 Aww.

00:10:50 He reaches back a hand and just lunges towards your face.

00:10:54 Roll on work for me.

00:10:59 That's five.

00:11:01 That's not, that's six.

00:11:03 Your work is minus one.

00:11:04 You're minus one.

00:11:05 That's four.

00:11:07 It looks like he's going to try to grab your throat or grab your face but instead what

00:11:10 he does is just collide a huge meaty palm straight with your nose.

00:11:14 Sends you about three feet back across the ring and onto the mat.

00:11:21 He looks at the blood on it.

00:11:23 Licks it up with a big fat purple tongue.

00:11:28 And then stomps across the ring towards you.

00:11:34 Ready for strike four.

00:11:39 Was that strike three?

00:11:42 At this point the little tiny man in a striped referee shirt runs in.

00:11:47 Wait, wait, wait, slow, slow.

00:11:52 Apex, please, no, just save your strength.

00:11:55 You know you have a match to fight against.

00:11:58 Well, well, right now, just.

00:12:01 Apex is snorting these big gusts of steam out of his nose.

00:12:05 Still locking eye contact with you.

00:12:07 His eyes are bloodshot.

00:12:08 There's a vein sort of popping out the side of his head.

00:12:11 Just please, you have a match to fight.

00:12:20 Lucky, lucky woman.

00:12:25 And he stalks off to the corner of the ring.

00:12:29 Just leans back against the turnbuckle.

00:12:33 I'm so sorry, could you please clear the ring?

00:12:37 We have a match to get to.

00:12:41 Fine.

00:12:42 And I summon my genes.

00:12:45 And I form into a giant horse and I get onto the denim horse and I stride out the ring.

00:12:51 Magnificent.

00:12:56 You stride off out of the ring in your denim horse.

00:12:59 The little ref tries to sweep away some of the dust and the blood and right some of the slightly buckled parts of the mat as best as he can with his hands, so at least it looks smooth.

00:13:07 Goes over to Apex, just seems to be trying to calm him down and cut him down.

00:13:12 And then the voice announces over the speaker system.

00:13:16 Ding, ding, ding.

00:13:17 The following contest is scheduled for one fall.

00:13:22 One fall.

00:13:23 Making his way to the ring from Puddington, Yorkshire, weighing 225 pounds, the Milkman.

00:13:37 So a milk float drives onto the stage.

00:13:42 On the back of it, a slightly aged kind of greying haired wrestler, but still got a sort of big 80s style coif to his hair.

00:13:52 He's wearing a sort of white milkman's jacket, white trousers, bit of a paunch sticking out of the middle.

00:13:58 As it happens, two Bavarian milkmaids come from either side of the stage along.

00:14:03 They meet up in front of the milk float.

00:14:05 He steps off of the milk float onto the sort of the bars holding the churns over their shoulders and begin.

00:14:12 They begin to walk him down to the ring as he balances quite precariously on top of these bars.

00:14:18 On the way, he's got a little milk crate with the handle.

00:14:22 He's handing out bottles of milk to members of the audience as he goes.

00:14:25 He gets to the apron, steps onto the apron, takes a swig of the milk and in Triple H style fashion.

00:14:35 Tony has arrived.

00:14:39 And with the ding of the bell, the match starts.

00:14:42 It will start of course with Apex in control as the champ and the man in his physical prime.

00:14:49 And he just starts stalking towards you straight away.

00:14:51 Could you roll on power, please?

00:14:53 [Laughter]

00:14:56 Three!

00:14:58 Four!

00:15:00 [Laughter]

00:15:02 He just immediately with a thick, almost rock hard forearm collides with the top of your chest,

00:15:09 knocks you to the mat and then stamps really hard on your stomach.

00:15:13 Milk.

00:15:16 [Laughter]

00:15:18 Milk and a little bit of blood.

00:15:21 He just stands there with his foot still on your stomach staring over you.

00:15:26 Stay down.

00:15:29 No!

00:15:31 I'm going to try and push his foot off.

00:15:33 Roll and add power.

00:15:37 Five.

00:15:39 Tony!

00:15:42 As your hand grips around his foot and you try to push, you hear a crack as one of your fingers breaks.

00:15:47 That's going to make the round harder.

00:15:50 And you seem to feel almost the balls beneath the mat buckling now under the force of him pushing you down.

00:15:56 I think you can hear the wood creak and break a little bit.

00:15:59 And he just keeps pushing you further and further with his foot.

00:16:02 I'm going to try and twist his foot and turn it into a reverse ankle lock type thing.

00:16:07 Okay, roll on work for that.

00:16:09 Hey!

00:16:11 That's ten.

00:16:13 Amazing. He loses his balance slightly, drops down to one knee, his back facing you, his ankle out,

00:16:20 you have your hands around his ankle, what are you doing?

00:16:23 I'm going to start lowering up over him and just try and wrench his leg off.

00:16:28 Okay. Roll on power for that.

00:16:31 I've got my...

00:16:33 It's a four!

00:16:35 I'm not good at anything!

00:16:38 God, look!

00:16:40 It was a four.

00:16:42 The thick sinew and muscle of this man's body just doesn't seem to be turning.

00:16:47 He just seems to be resting now.

00:16:49 You can see a slight smile forming in the corner of his face.

00:16:52 He's just letting you push and try and exhaust yourself. He's not even really moving.

00:16:57 I'm going to go old school, bring in some chops.

00:17:01 I'm going to start trying to light him up with chops across the chest.

00:17:04 Let's see how badly this goes.

00:17:06 That's going to be power.

00:17:08 Tony, man.

00:17:10 Tony's old school.

00:17:12 It's a five!

00:17:14 I'll get it. Hang on. I've got to get it.

00:17:19 Your first chop connects and it's the same hand where one finger seems to have broken,

00:17:24 and the other finger just crack goes as it collides against his body.

00:17:28 As you go in for the second chop, he grabs your wrist with one of his hands

00:17:32 and just slowly starts to twist it back further and further and force you back onto the ground.

00:17:38 With his other hand, he just puts his hand right across your face.

00:17:43 No, Tony!

00:17:45 That's the moneymaker!

00:17:47 That's the squeeze your skull.

00:17:49 You can hear that creaking sound in your own bones now in your head.

00:17:53 You can feel pressure going down your brain.

00:17:55 What are you doing?

00:17:57 I can attempt to sweep the leg with my...

00:17:59 Yes!

00:18:01 I can't say anything.

00:18:03 I think sweep can be work.

00:18:06 That's good.

00:18:08 Keep rolling on work!

00:18:10 Keep rolling.

00:18:11 It's a wrestling move. Stop trying to be powerful!

00:18:14 You successfully sweep him underneath the leg.

00:18:17 He falls back onto his haunches.

00:18:19 His eyes just blaze in rage at this point and he plunges you with both hands,

00:18:24 grabs you by the shoulders and then lifts you off the ground.

00:18:28 Like bottle caps are just falling out of my pockets.

00:18:32 He's just holding you there, one hand around each shoulder,

00:18:36 just very slowly bringing your body closer towards him.

00:18:39 I'm going to go try and do a double dropkick and push myself away.

00:18:43 Okay, you can roll on work for that.

00:18:46 It's not going well. It's a six.

00:18:49 You draw your knees into kick, you spread them out to connect

00:18:53 and you hear your knees go.

00:18:55 There just seems to be no give against this immovable object.

00:18:59 That's another six months of rehab.

00:19:01 You fall to the ground now with busted knees, two busted fingers,

00:19:05 some kind of maybe minor fracture in your skull

00:19:08 and he just closes both hands around your face.

00:19:12 Now one around the front where your mouth is, one around the back.

00:19:15 He's using the full force of both of these massive mitts

00:19:18 to just squeeze your skull into some tiny little pearl-sized shape.

00:19:23 Adam, can you please describe to us who leaps into the ring at this point?

00:19:27 So, we're skateboarding down the ramp...

00:19:31 LAUGHTER

00:19:33 ..wearing a neon green cap that is turned backwards

00:19:37 with the top of it cut off, revealing bleach-blonde hair coming out the top,

00:19:41 wearing a red bandana as a mask like Raphael from the Ninja Turtles.

00:19:46 He's wearing a tie-dye spiral extra-large shirt.

00:19:50 He's wearing denim jeans which are on backwards

00:19:52 so he can put his hands in the pockets like that.

00:19:55 He is the epitome of the '90s.

00:19:58 It's your boy. It's Kid Flips!

00:20:01 Kid Flips!

00:20:04 Soak flukes.

00:20:06 That's fair.

00:20:08 He skateboards down the ramp and as he gets to the apron,

00:20:11 he uses the force of the skateboard colliding with the ring apron

00:20:15 to flip him over the ropes and basically lands on your apex's hand,

00:20:22 kind of like breaking, well, trying to break the hold around the Milton's head.

00:20:28 Holds on.

00:20:30 OK.

00:20:32 That's got to be good, right? That's 11.

00:20:35 Whoa!

00:20:36 So your skateboard connects with the bones on his big fingers.

00:20:40 A sound which Apex hasn't heard himself in an incredibly long time,

00:20:43 the sound of his own bones starting to crack or break.

00:20:46 He immediately, instinctively lets go in pain.

00:20:50 I swear I was going to say, "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"

00:20:54 Which, to clarify, isn't me!

00:20:58 You told him, lad!

00:21:00 I say roll on power.

00:21:02 OK. My power is minus two.

00:21:05 That's not good.

00:21:07 Ooh, that is six.

00:21:10 Amazing.

00:21:13 Of course it's minus two. Not amazing. Bad. Bad indeed.

00:21:17 He grabs you by the scruff of the shirt,

00:21:20 picks you up in one hand and just with one arm tosses you out,

00:21:24 over the top rope, out of the ring.

00:21:26 Bang!

00:21:28 Back into the audience and turns his attention back to the Milton man.

00:21:31 No! Leave me alone!

00:21:33 Your arms, your hands, your skull broken.

00:21:36 He just drops down to one knee, gets his massive arm under one leg

00:21:40 and goes for the pin.

00:21:42 One, two, three.

00:21:45 Ding, ding, ding! Your winner and current City British champion,

00:21:50 Apex!

00:21:53 Ooh!

00:21:55 He's too big!

00:21:57 A-prix more like.

00:21:59 Yeah!

00:22:00 Even though the bell has gone and even though the match is over,

00:22:03 that furious bloodshot look in his eyes is still there,

00:22:06 exacerbated by both Denimatrix and Kid Flips.

00:22:10 No!

00:22:13 He stands over you and smiles a really cruel smile

00:22:16 and just moves towards your face again with his hands.

00:22:19 Oh, no!

00:22:21 I think she'll be keen at this.

00:22:23 So, in the background of the shot,

00:22:25 you can see that I am crowd surfing my way around to the ring,

00:22:29 like crowd surfing on his legs, like stood up.

00:22:32 He's just like working his way down.

00:22:34 He leaps. He basically says, "Come on, lads, heave ho and cowabunga!"

00:22:41 And he uses their force to leap from the crowd onto the top ring apron

00:22:48 and he leaps and tries to connect with a double drop hit to the back of Apex's head.

00:22:52 Go for work on that, for sure.

00:22:54 Work plus two.

00:22:56 Yeah!

00:22:58 So, just as these hands are moving towards your face,

00:23:02 you just see, silhouetted by the light, in mid-air,

00:23:06 the radical figure of Kid Flips,

00:23:09 like some kind of skateboarding angel come to save you.

00:23:13 It's the half-pipe Jesus.

00:23:15 Let's get crunk!

00:23:18 There's a crack and you connect beautifully with the back of Apex's head.

00:23:23 He stumbles forward and his hands slam down onto the mat just above your head.

00:23:27 Ooh, I'm going to try and scoot out underneath him.

00:23:30 Go for... We can rock a work on this, for sure.

00:23:35 Ooh, that's gone well.

00:23:37 - Nine. - Tell us where you scoot out to.

00:23:39 I'm going to try and shoot myself underneath his legs

00:23:42 and then get up and run in the ropes.

00:23:44 I'm going to try and come back from that and hit him so he's down even further.

00:23:49 OK. Yeah, you can run and work for that, too.

00:23:52 Yeah, nice.

00:23:54 Eight.

00:23:56 He's just getting up to his feet just as he turns around to face you.

00:24:00 Your move connects and he's knocked back again against the ropes.

00:24:04 His eyes seem to have gone now more than just bloodshot,

00:24:07 to be almost completely filled with red.

00:24:09 He screams this huge...

00:24:11 (GROANS)

00:24:14 ..dips his head down and storms towards you,

00:24:17 runs towards you like some kind of stampeding bull.

00:24:19 Quick, Tony, let's do our double-team move.

00:24:22 What's it called?

00:24:24 I don't know. Let's just do a low bridge, is what I was thinking.

00:24:28 It's old school.

00:24:30 At that moment...

00:24:32 Striding down the ramp is a tall, beautifully muscled, well-oiled,

00:24:43 square-jawed, high-cheekboned, handsome man of exceptional breeding

00:24:47 in dress trousers, wing-tip shoes,

00:24:50 barrister's silks and a powdered wig.

00:24:53 It is QC, the voice of management,

00:24:56 and he looks both superior, disdainful and very, very annoyed.

00:25:01 He wastes no time making his way down the ring,

00:25:04 wastes no time getting up the steel steps and into the ring itself.

00:25:08 Stands in the centre, both his arms out,

00:25:12 to stop the collision between wrestlers, which is about to happen.

00:25:16 Says...

00:25:20 "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

00:25:24 "It seems like today we have...

00:25:27 "..too many troublemakers getting in the middle of perfectly good booking.

00:25:34 "Now, now, now, what are we going to do about this?

00:25:40 "Kid flips, you jumpety-young upstart from the streets.

00:25:47 "What in heaven's name possessed you

00:25:51 "to interfere in another wrestler's match?"

00:25:55 "Well, dog,

00:26:02 "this fart-knocker over here was getting jiggy with me home slice.

00:26:08 "And that ain't all that and a bag of chips."

00:26:11 "What?"

00:26:15 "He was...he was hurting my friend.

00:26:18 "And the match was over and he was trying to hurt him

00:26:23 "and I was raised by a good woman to respect me elders and protect me friends."

00:26:30 Now...

00:26:32 He looks clearly, clearly really tired about how the audience are applauding this.

00:26:37 "Now, listen to me, dude.

00:26:41 "This is professional wrestling where people can do and will get hurt.

00:26:47 "Interfering with a match to stop a wrestler getting hurt,

00:26:50 "it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

00:26:53 "Did you have a hand in this, milkman?"

00:26:58 "You'll have to forgive the lad. He's clearly had too many opal fruits today.

00:27:02 "He's just a bit hyper. I've been trading him in wrestling for many years.

00:27:06 "He is my finest protege, but I did not ask for this.

00:27:10 "I wanted to go out against this man, against Apex myself,

00:27:14 "to prove that I am the finest, holiest, purest milkman you've ever seen.

00:27:20 "I've gone off on a different accent."

00:27:23 "Well, let me tell you, there's nothing wholesome and pure about interrupting a match.

00:27:30 "We are five weeks away, lest I remind you, gentlemen, from the Colossal Tussle.

00:27:36 "It's a very important time of year for everyone here at CBW.

00:27:42 "Can't be having things like this.

00:27:45 "Interruptions from young whippersnappers on skating boards

00:27:51 "or denim-clad horse riding.

00:27:55 "I don't even know how to describe what she is.

00:28:00 "No, I think we need to find a solution for this problem, yes.

00:28:06 "Maybe one troublemaker is fine to keep the roster interesting,

00:28:11 "but two is starting to really upset management.

00:28:16 "So I'm going to make this very simple.

00:28:20 "At the end of today's episode of Sunday Night Lightning Cracker...

00:28:25 LAUGHTER

00:28:27 Oh, my God!

00:28:29 "Kid flips, and the Denimatrix will fight.

00:28:35 "The winner remains on the roster.

00:28:38 "The loser will be fired."

00:28:42 Oh, snap!

00:28:46 Fuck!

00:28:48 OK, so with the stipulations set down,

00:28:52 Stagehand's the referee, QC's paralegals help clear the ring.

00:28:58 And there's nothing but empty canvas again.

00:29:01 And with the ring empty and the crowd wet with anticipation...

00:29:05 Hot with anticipation!

00:29:07 LAUGHTER

00:29:09 Nice, nice!

00:29:11 There's a moist crowd in here tonight, everyone.

00:29:14 It's a really moist crowd.

00:29:16 Are we keeping that in?

00:29:18 Oh, yeah!

00:29:20 It's CBW, you know what you look like, do you?

00:29:23 This doesn't lie to British wrestling fans, either.

00:29:26 Freudian, I want to have sex with my nuns.

00:29:29 We'll get to that.

00:29:32 With the crowd hot with anticipation,

00:29:36 the announcer's voice rings out.

00:29:38 "Ding, ding, ding!

00:29:40 "The following match is scheduled for one fall."

00:29:43 One fall!

00:29:45 "The winner will receive a CBW Tag Team Championship match

00:29:49 "at this year's Colossal Tussle.

00:29:52 "Now, making their way to the stage from Little Glittering,

00:29:56 "Reading, Golden Joe and Silver Bro,

00:29:59 "the Precious Metals!"

00:30:03 Smoke fills the top of the stage.

00:30:06 Lasers, light beams, whatever they're called, fire through the smoke.

00:30:10 On the trons, on the giant video screens,

00:30:12 is just stock footage of people being helped by Golden Joe.

00:30:16 So there are a few people building a house, Golden Joe's laying bricks.

00:30:21 There's a few people preparing a family dinner,

00:30:24 Joe's there serving up the plates.

00:30:26 There's a presentation in an office, Golden Joe's there looking at the notes.

00:30:31 And then, as the music builds,

00:30:35 the drum's going to come in.

00:30:37 It's Joe. Joe, Golden Joe walks out, he is wearing gold trousers,

00:30:42 he's got a gold cape on, he's got gold glasses,

00:30:45 Randy Savage, Macho Man style, that say "Joe" there.

00:30:49 He's got Joe on his knee pads, his wrist pads, gold, also say "Joe".

00:30:53 And then, he opens up the jacket and Joe is written along the side,

00:30:59 in the wingspan, just like magic.

00:31:02 And he just starts celebrating with the crowd.

00:31:05 Joe! Joe! Joe!

00:31:11 And on that, out comes Silver Bro, his older brother,

00:31:16 his best friend, with his black mullet,

00:31:20 and he's got his black pants on, they're kind of like,

00:31:23 they're very nice fabric, they've got silver stripes down them,

00:31:27 so it looks super cool.

00:31:28 And he's got big shades on as well, much taller than his brother.

00:31:33 But he loves him all the same.

00:31:35 Joe! Joe! And he leads the crowd in Joe chants,

00:31:39 because he knows that Joe is the future of this business.

00:31:43 He grabs the microphone.

00:31:47 Joe, you and I have been working for this for a long time.

00:31:52 Tonight, we're finally going to get our chance to win

00:31:56 the City British Wrestling Tag Team Championships.

00:32:00 Joe! Joe, everyone! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!

00:32:07 Music starts again.

00:32:11 Joe gets out of the ring, he goes back up to the ramp.

00:32:14 Smoke starts to come up.

00:32:16 Lights are flying through, we've got the stock footage,

00:32:19 but it's different stock footage this time.

00:32:21 This time, Joe's down in the construction site,

00:32:23 organising some builds.

00:32:25 Then he's helping some kids cross the road.

00:32:28 And then he's tending to a little baby duck,

00:32:31 who's sort of got a broken wing, and he's nursing it back to health.

00:32:35 And then the camera cuts outside the arena,

00:32:38 to sort of a film crew on a helicopter,

00:32:41 and you can see the words Joe just come up in giant fizzling pyro.

00:32:47 And then it cuts back to the crowd.

00:32:50 Joe? Joe? Joe! Joe! Joe, everyone!

00:32:55 It's great to be here in...

00:32:58 Mind, bro, where are we? Norfolk.

00:33:03 Norfolk! That's where we are! Yeah!

00:33:07 And don't worry, I've got my bro here,

00:33:10 and together we're going to beat these teams,

00:33:13 and then we're going to win the tag team's titles.

00:33:16 Joe, I've been in this business for a long time.

00:33:20 I've never seen anyone, anyone with as much talent as you have.

00:33:24 Joe... I know, and everyone here knows,

00:33:27 my time is... it's almost behind me.

00:33:30 But you, you're the future of this business.

00:33:34 Together we're going to win the tag team titles,

00:33:37 and then later, when the time is right, you are going to beat Apex,

00:33:41 and you will be City British Wrestling Champion of the World!

00:33:44 Play the music!

00:33:46 Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!

00:33:52 OK. When the audience finally, finally tire of chanting Joe...

00:34:00 It's going to take a while.

00:34:03 Making their way down the ramp,

00:34:06 hailing from London, London,

00:34:09 Geezer and the Pearly Queen,

00:34:12 the Cockney Knockers!

00:34:15 Boo!

00:34:17 From that London! Boo, London!

00:34:20 Walking... the proper kind of Delboy walk.

00:34:24 Did I just bash something?

00:34:26 Walking the proper Delboy walk down the ramp are the Cockney Knockers.

00:34:30 Geezer, who is a short, lean, thickly but leanly muscled,

00:34:37 bald, gold-toothed, boot-and-trouser wearing,

00:34:42 proper bruiser looking kind of fella,

00:34:44 with a sparkle in his eye and a glint in his teeth.

00:34:47 And next to him, wearing a two-piece black suit,

00:34:51 decorated with pearls from top to bottom, is Pearly Queen,

00:34:55 his tag team partner and beloved wife.

00:34:57 They make their way quickly down the ramp.

00:35:00 None of that fancy pyrotechnics, lasers, smoke and pretension.

00:35:05 They're here to wrestle and they're here to fight.

00:35:08 And they're here to do it right now.

00:35:11 They've gone that long, then.

00:35:13 Yeah, you want to get over with the crowd.

00:35:15 Showmanship. This is Opiate of the Masses.

00:35:17 We're giving them entertainment.

00:35:19 The crowd is muttering Joe to themselves.

00:35:22 Joe is also muttering Joe to himself.

00:35:24 Joe, Joe, you've got this, Joe.

00:35:27 OK, we start the match, obviously, with Gold and Joe in control.

00:35:34 You're also the legal wrestler on your side

00:35:38 and Geezer is the legal wrestler for the company.

00:35:40 Harker's standing in his corner, ready to go. Duke's up.

00:35:42 - You've got this, Joe. - Cheers, bros.

00:35:44 Right, OK, so the first thing I'm going to try and do

00:35:47 is run right at Geezer and just hit him with a punch.

00:35:51 Cool, that's power.

00:35:53 It's a seven.

00:35:57 - Seven? - Yeah.

00:35:58 - Yeah, Joe! - Yeah, Joe!

00:36:01 Walk round and get a Joe chant going.

00:36:03 Yeah, you clock him the draw.

00:36:05 Not bad, son, not bad, not bad.

00:36:07 And he returns another punch at your face.

00:36:10 Roll on power.

00:36:12 Nine.

00:36:15 Yeah, he's an unstoppable machine.

00:36:17 He whiffs past your face. You avoid it easily.

00:36:20 Yeah, Joe!

00:36:22 - Joe! - Look at his teeth!

00:36:24 Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!

00:36:28 Duke's still the sneaky bastard.

00:36:30 So now I'm going to do what I call the golden shower.

00:36:33 And it's where I'm just going to rain down punches.

00:36:37 So it's ten punches, all left jabs.

00:36:40 One, two, three, four, but sort of the crown again.

00:36:43 Joe to every punch.

00:36:45 And then the last one I amp everyone up for.

00:36:48 - Oh! - Oh!

00:36:50 - I'm going to start running the ropes. - Oh, Joe!

00:36:52 And it's just another left jab.

00:36:54 For a punch, that's probably going to be power again.

00:36:57 - Seven. - Seven.

00:37:00 - Seven, boom. - Yes, Joe!

00:37:02 Tell us how it connects with the geezer's jaw.

00:37:04 The last one, the ten one, is the most devastating, because it's the tenth.

00:37:07 And it just knocks him down.

00:37:09 He scrambles over to his pearly queen.

00:37:12 What'll I do, I'll cobblest.

00:37:14 He slaps her in the hand.

00:37:16 He leaps over the rope, sprints towards you,

00:37:19 and goes for a slide right in the scotch eggs.

00:37:22 - Oh! - Those are the legs.

00:37:24 Going down, but Joe?

00:37:26 So you can roll on work for this.

00:37:29 - Oh, look at him. - Yes, magnificent ten.

00:37:34 You leap into the air, slide straight under your legs and miss.

00:37:37 - I cackle with laughter. - You're too slow.

00:37:42 Roll on Joe's look.

00:37:45 - What's your look? - Plus two.

00:37:47 - Seven. - Oh, wait, your look is minus one.

00:37:53 - No, I get a four. - Oh, you're against Joe's.

00:37:55 - Sorry, sorry. - Seven.

00:37:57 The pearly queen turns her head towards you.

00:37:59 Her focus is elsewhere.

00:38:02 What are you doing?

00:38:04 I start doing a sort of comedy behind-the-back pantomime.

00:38:08 - Oh! - Oh!

00:38:10 Because I'm going to punch this woman in the back of the head.

00:38:14 What a face. OK.

00:38:16 God!

00:38:20 - I'm not quite sure what that would be. - I'm worried about this Joe guy.

00:38:23 - I'm going to wait for us to turn around. - She tried to hit me in the balls.

00:38:27 - The legs? - Yeah, yeah.

00:38:29 - The scotch eggs are the legs. - Oh, I thought scotch eggs were...

00:38:33 On realising that, Joe's going to do something a little less severe.

00:38:37 He's going to do a ball joke, which is a bulldog.

00:38:42 That's not even a pun.

00:38:44 OK, you can roll on work for that.

00:38:47 - Oh! - That's bad.

00:38:51 - Four. - It's on work. You got minus one work.

00:38:54 Three.

00:38:56 The pearly queen sees in the reflection of your eyes,

00:39:02 in the reflection of Silver Bro's eyes, there's an expression.

00:39:05 Still got my sunglasses on. Too big.

00:39:07 Something is coming up behind. She turns around just in time and hits you with the...

00:39:11 Daisy roots!

00:39:13 She kicks you with a big boot right in the chest. Boom.

00:39:16 Sends you onto your back on the mat.

00:39:18 I'm going to try and scramble and tag out right away Silver Bro.

00:39:21 OK, you can roll your heat with bro for that.

00:39:24 That's plus three. So that's nine.

00:39:27 I step over the ropes, because he's a big tall lad.

00:39:31 He gets in there, he points at this upstart.

00:39:36 He's punching my brother.

00:39:38 That's it. Sorry. Get into a headlock.

00:39:41 Proper headlock style. Proper old school veteran headlock style.

00:39:45 I'm going to whip her into the ropes. She comes back, and I shoulder block her.

00:39:49 - Oh. - Devastating.

00:39:52 You can have power for that, for sure.

00:39:54 - Oh, dang. - Nice.

00:39:56 - That's some photology. - There's a crack as she connects with your shoulder

00:39:59 and stumbles back onto the mat. She starts to make her way back towards Giza again.

00:40:03 Scrap her by the leg. Pull her back. Pick her up. Headlock.

00:40:07 - Cool. - Into the ropes. Shoulder block.

00:40:10 - Wow. - Yeah, power again.

00:40:13 - Oh, wow. - Oh, it's big. Twelve.

00:40:18 Crack. Went the exact same spot. Boom. Back on the mat again for a second time.

00:40:22 For a second time, starts to crawl towards...

00:40:25 By the leg. Back to the back.

00:40:28 Seeing that this is going to happen, I'm just going to whip her into the corner,

00:40:31 and I'm going to run against the corner, and I'm going to run to the other corner,

00:40:34 and I'm in charge to hit one of my signature moves, the silver splash.

00:40:37 - Like a stinger splash. - I'm going to work for this.

00:40:40 - Oh, dang it. - It's a bit more cynical.

00:40:43 - That's a five. - The metals can't be doing the work stuff.

00:40:48 No. I realise my error now.

00:40:50 Can you quickly describe what that stinger looks like when you're trying to attempt it?

00:40:53 So it is like the stinger splash. I'm just diving in to do a big splash in the corner.

00:40:57 But I'm assuming she would then duck out of the way, and I would hit my head up onto the top turnbuck

00:41:01 with a big "Ohh!" My head.

00:41:04 Not quite as nice as that. As you dive down towards her in a dazzling display of speed,

00:41:09 she moves out of the way, positions herself behind you as you fall,

00:41:13 and gets you in the fireman's hose, which is a nose lock.

00:41:16 She gets her two long manicured fingers, digs them right under your nostril,

00:41:21 pulls your head back, pulls you back, so her knees are now resting on your spine,

00:41:25 and using your nose as the only point of grip, just tugs and tugs and tugs and tugs.

00:41:31 - I'm reaching for you, you're too far away! - Get in, man!

00:41:35 - It's the rules! - You're holding the tag rope.

00:41:38 - I'm holding the tag rope, bro. - I'm going to try and grab her by her fingers,

00:41:42 reach them out of my nose, which is actually quite far in.

00:41:46 - Oh yeah. - I'm going to try and pull them out.

00:41:50 - Okay, you'll need a hard success on this, but you can roll on power.

00:41:54 - That's not going to work. That'll be an 8.

00:41:58 - You manage to pull them out about maybe half an inch, and then you just lose your grip,

00:42:02 and the fingers shoot back in. - Oh god!

00:42:04 - It's right up into the cartilage.

00:42:07 - You're too far away, bro. - The knees are really pressing with your spine at this point.

00:42:10 - Yeah, what are you doing? - I'm going to try and shuffle my way in the holes,

00:42:16 so I can try and reach for this tag, because my brother's not getting in.

00:42:20 - You can roll on power again for that shuffle.

00:42:23 - That'll be a 10. - Just about, yeah.

00:42:26 - I need you to drag Pearlie Queen along with you as you go. You just hit that tag.

00:42:31 - I'm trying, I'm reaching as far as I can! - Drag me, brother!

00:42:36 - Joe! - Joe hops over the top rope, and he runs in,

00:42:40 and he starts to do his... the Joe line.

00:42:44 He is going to keep on bouncing off of the ropes. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

00:42:48 And then flying clothesline hits the Pearlie Queen.

00:42:51 - I'll let you roll one look for this one, because it's the most natural part of the job.

00:42:56 - Six.

00:42:58 - Go for it.

00:43:00 - Ooh, can you re-roll? What are your re-rolls?

00:43:02 - My re-rolls are for belief, or to protect my reputation.

00:43:07 - That's to protect your reputation, right?

00:43:09 - You're doing a hot tag! This is like the pinnacle of the golden boy.

00:43:13 - For a promise or threat, and I was doing a lot of promising with the Joe...

00:43:17 - It's following through on one. It's following through on a promise that you made earlier.

00:43:21 - You can do your re-roll on protecting your reputation.

00:43:24 - But it's your only one this episode. - Yeah, go on, re-roll.

00:43:26 - Okay, I'm going to re-roll. Come on.

00:43:30 - Okay, that's a seven! - It's not one look! It's seven!

00:43:33 - Yes, that's fine. - You hit the Joe line.

00:43:36 - Boom! - Boom, down onto the mat again.

00:43:39 - I'm hugely dazed at this point. We're just starting to shuffle our own way towards our corner.

00:43:43 - I'm just going to hold off because I'm baby-faced Joe, golden Joe,

00:43:46 and the pearly queen's going to make the tag, and he gets in.

00:43:49 I'll aim out with a Joe kick, which is a drop kick.

00:43:52 - Okay, the drop kick is pretty... Oh, you can do work for that, yeah.

00:43:56 - Oh no. - Work or power?

00:43:58 - It's an eight. It's a seven with the minus one of work.

00:44:01 - So yeah, the pearly queen tags out, the geezer leaps back in like,

00:44:04 "What? Right on the muzzle and brinker! Rah!"

00:44:08 And starts making his way towards you, immediately intercepted with the drop kick.

00:44:11 He's boom, down on the mat now. Let's work towards the finish.

00:44:14 - Yep, I'm going to go over. - I'm in the corner trying to snot myself out.

00:44:17 I've got, like, nails stuck up in my leg. - Oh, that's awful.

00:44:22 - I go over to Silverbro and make the hot tag,

00:44:25 because we're going to go for our double-team finisher.

00:44:28 - Indeed we are. So I'm going to grab the geezer and get him up into the silver spooner,

00:44:36 which is a jackhammer move. Hold him up into the air.

00:44:39 I'm just going to flex for a little while while I hold him up into the air.

00:44:42 - While I'm going to hit the rock solid, which is where I just bounce off the ropes,

00:44:47 run the ropes for ages. Every time I hit the ropes, the crowd can't chant,

00:44:50 "Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!"

00:44:55 - "Slam them down with the silver spooner!" - "Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!"

00:45:01 - Don't play the role. - Joe! Oh, my God!

00:45:05 - "Joe!" - Now run on your finisher.

00:45:08 - Six! Is there any... - You can re-roll.

00:45:12 I'm allowed to have one wrestler re-roll during an episode.

00:45:17 - Oh, nice! - So re-roll. - Come on!

00:45:20 - Seven! - Yes!

00:45:24 - So, see, you go for that pin. Oh, my God! Because of you, he has done it.

00:45:30 You go for that pin, kicks out, starts to get to his feet, ready to go, and then, yeah,

00:45:35 just collapses through sheer exhaustion, the amount of physical damage Bro's put on him earlier.

00:45:41 Just collapses back into the mat. I mean, he's completely prone and unconscious.

00:45:46 Takes the pin. Ding, ding, ding! Your winners!

00:45:50 The Precious Metals, Silver Bro and Golden Joe!

00:45:56 "Joe! Joe! Joe!"

00:46:16 As the Cockney Knockers get to their feet and make their way out of the ring and out of the arena,

00:46:23 the two of you just left together.

00:46:25 I'm going to lift you up onto my shoulder like Miss Elizabeth.

00:46:28 And we're just going to parade around the ring to our chorus of "Joes".

00:46:32 - Joe. - Joe. - Joe. - Joe. - Joe. - Joe. - Joe. - Joe. - Joe. - Joe. - Joe. - Joe.

00:46:38 And the chants "Joe" as you go back up the ramp and out of the ring, the chants continue.

00:46:43 And we now cut backstage to the locker room where a deeply beaten, broken and bloodied milkman is sitting.

00:46:53 Coming in through the door, ready to confront his mentor, Kid Flips.

00:47:00 "Tony, you all right?"

00:47:02 "Aye, lad. I'll be all right."

00:47:05 "Why do you keep doing this, Tony? You know you can't go anymore."

00:47:09 "I can and I will, lad. I can and I will. They might say I'm past it."

00:47:15 "They might say that I've not got the stuff anymore because I won't do soy and I won't do oat."

00:47:21 "It's not even a milk, lad. It's not even a milk."

00:47:24 "But I'll prove that I am the finest competitor CBW has ever seen."

00:47:31 "You've taught me so much, Tony. It's mostly milk-based, but you've also taught me about wrestling."

00:47:36 "And I wanted to be a wrestler because I need a role model in my life. A male role model."

00:47:44 "I grew up without a dad and you've been like a father to me."

00:47:49 "You delivered milk to me, Mum, I believe. And you brought me into this business."

00:47:53 "You taught me everything I knew, but I need to go a different path."

00:47:58 "I need you to... I'm flippy now."

00:48:05 "You have to understand that."

00:48:08 "I've been watching the hot young wrestlers coming out from Japan, from Mexico."

00:48:13 "And that's me. That's who I am and I just want your blessing."

00:48:18 "And I want you to step to one side and let me step out from your shadow."

00:48:23 "It's not a shadow. It's a cast of tradition. An umbrella of tradition draped over all of us."

00:48:30 "Us fine British wrestlers. You are a fine Yorkshire lad."

00:48:34 "Home skillet!"

00:48:35 "You... No! No! Whip it!"

00:48:39 "Home whip it."

00:48:40 "Home whip it."

00:48:41 "Look, I'll always be there for you. But please, you be there for yourself."

00:48:48 "Because you're the closest thing I've got to family. Apart from me Mum, you're the closest thing I've got to a dad."

00:48:55 "And I just don't want to lose you."

00:48:59 "Alright pal. Just give me a little pat on the shoulder. That's about as much emotion as I can muster."

00:49:06 "Thank you."

00:49:08 "I'm also here to ask you to be in my corner for tonight."

00:49:15 "I know you're banged up and I shouldn't ask."

00:49:19 "But if this is going to be my last night in the company, I want my mentor there by my side."

00:49:25 "I'll be there. Holding in a tear."

00:49:29 Knock, knock, knock on the door and the little referee comes in.

00:49:32 "You, Mr. Fripps, it's time for your very unfortunate match."

00:49:39 "Alright. See you out there."

00:49:41 "I'll be there."

00:49:43 "This way, this way." And he ushers you out of the room.

00:49:46 I just slowly slide off on my skateboard.

00:49:49 The most mournful skateboarding possible.

00:49:53 Like a Charlie Brown.

00:49:56 Milkman, you are left on your own for a moment just to gather yourself in the locker room.

00:50:05 And as you get up and get ready to head to the ring, someone else enters the locker room.

00:50:12 Just out of camera shot.

00:50:16 Who?

00:50:18 Management wants to speak to you.

00:50:21 Alright, I'll lead the way then.

00:50:24 And we cut back to the ring.

00:50:26 What?

00:50:29 The following contest is scheduled for one, four.

00:50:33 One, four.

00:50:35 The loser will be fired from City British Wrestling forever.

00:50:40 Stairs. Let's do a fight.

00:50:43 Making her way to the ring, hailing from Whipsford, Reading, the Denimatrix!

00:50:51 Okay, this time it appears at the top of the ramp a giant denim pocket on wheels.

00:51:01 That's being pulled by 45 denim coats.

00:51:08 And they're all crawling along the floor like zombies. It's a bit grotesque.

00:51:13 And you just see peeking out of the top of the pocket is the Denimatrix.

00:51:18 Hi everyone. I'm very happy.

00:51:20 She's very snug in there as well. It's a really nice tight-fitting pocket.

00:51:24 It's a woman's jean pocket. You know, the sort of ones where they don't want you to fit a phone in it.

00:51:29 And then all of a sudden it gets driven straight into the ring and she pulls herself out.

00:51:34 And she is wearing a full length ball gown made out of denim.

00:51:39 And it is just huge and massive. It's like princess style.

00:51:42 And she lights a match as she set fire to it.

00:51:45 And the whole thing just explodes with the epic glory of pyrotechnics to reveal our usual skin-tight denim ripped genius.

00:51:53 You Hunger Games'd it.

00:51:55 Yeah, I know.

00:51:57 Sisley.

00:51:59 We have a moment on the mic.

00:52:01 Oh do I? Okay.

00:52:03 I've worked so hard to be here.

00:52:05 You have to know that fighting is in my genes.

00:52:09 [Laughter]

00:52:12 [Groans]

00:52:14 I'm going to boot cut this boy straight out of the ring.

00:52:19 And I don't care what flares he has.

00:52:22 I'm here for the skinny.

00:52:24 Doesn't make sense but lean into it.

00:52:27 I am so proud of whatever I've done.

00:52:31 And he better be afraid.

00:52:34 Would you say you don't want to leave eyes?

00:52:37 God damn it!

00:52:40 I thought we went on to name brands.

00:52:44 Making his way to the ring, hailing from Puddington, Yorkshire.

00:52:49 Kid Flips!

00:52:53 [Music]

00:52:57 Just you see a spotlight on a huge poster which just has 90s written on it.

00:53:03 And then suddenly he skates through the O.

00:53:06 [Laughter]

00:53:07 And he's skating all around the ramp.

00:53:09 He's grinding, he's ollieing.

00:53:12 Are they the same?

00:53:13 Doesn't matter.

00:53:14 Yeah and he skates down to the ring and he turns around to kind of like lock eyes with his mentor.

00:53:20 And then he notices his mentor isn't there.

00:53:23 And he kind of like stumbles and like picks up his skateboard and just being like,

00:53:28 "It's cool."

00:53:29 Bling bling.

00:53:30 Wear your head out.

00:53:32 And then he flips into the ring, over the ropes, lands on his skateboard on a perfect ollie.

00:53:40 I don't know what it is but it looks great.

00:53:42 And then he dismounts, kicks the skateboard into the crowd.

00:53:46 "That's for you!"

00:53:47 And then I climb up the turnbuckles and just look out at the crowd.

00:53:53 I see my mum.

00:53:54 She's always there.

00:53:55 "Hi, Mum!"

00:53:57 I try to cover my nerves.

00:53:58 I'm not ready for this.

00:53:59 And I turn to look and still no Millman but it's fine.

00:54:03 It's fine.

00:54:04 I'll get myself in the zone.

00:54:07 Drama intensifies.

00:54:09 Do you want the mic?

00:54:10 You can leave it.

00:54:11 Yeah, I'll take the mic.

00:54:13 It's like, "Thank you."

00:54:19 Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

00:54:22 You see, all my life I've wanted to do this.

00:54:27 I was very lucky to know someone who was able to teach me in the ways of the squared circle.

00:54:34 And I'm going to fight to stay here because I've got a lot more to give and a lot more to learn.

00:54:42 Wherever you are, I'm doing this for you.

00:54:48 I'm ready.

00:54:51 The bell rings and with that we'll start with you in control.

00:54:54 I offer a hand to the Denner Matrix.

00:55:04 I go to shake his hand but in the last second I whip him into a headlocked bike or a ziplock.

00:55:11 I throw him against the rope into a clothesline.

00:55:14 There's no need to change it because it kind of works for me anyway.

00:55:17 And I hope and try that he hits the mat straight off.

00:55:20 Okay, you can roll on.

00:55:22 For a clothesline you're rolling on power.

00:55:24 Oh mate.

00:55:25 For Jesus' sake.

00:55:28 That's really not good.

00:55:30 That's one.

00:55:33 It's not a snake eyes though.

00:55:35 That's still technically just a fail.

00:55:38 Just a fail.

00:55:39 I mean, it's a fail but yeah.

00:55:41 I might make traffic people better riders.

00:55:44 I'm just reassuring you that it could be worse.

00:55:47 But yeah, whiffs over the top of kid flips, easily able to just Matrix style duck away from that.

00:55:52 Flip backwards, kip up, I jump onto the ropes and hit the live and kicking which is a springboard dropkick.

00:56:01 Springboard dropkick absolutely had work for that.

00:56:05 That is eight.

00:56:07 Boom.

00:56:09 Dropkick connects straight with the chest.

00:56:12 It is she who hits the mat with a thump.

00:56:14 You're on your feet, then Matrix is on the ground.

00:56:16 What are you doing?

00:56:17 I sprint up to the top ropes to hit the Clarissa explains it all moonsault.

00:56:21 Does that work as well boss?

00:56:24 If it's from the top ropes, it kind of is.

00:56:27 That is eight.

00:56:30 I need you to explain to us why this is the Clarissa explains it all moonsault.

00:56:35 Now, I haven't seen Clarissa explains it all but I assume it's a lot like a moonsault because it has a lot of impact.

00:56:45 It's excellent presentation, highly relatable.

00:56:52 Everyone loves Melissa Joan Hart.

00:56:54 That's true.

00:56:55 Cowabunga.

00:56:58 If you can say hi Sam as you leap from the rope, then I'll let you do it.

00:57:02 Ey up Sam.

00:57:05 Hit the eight.

00:57:07 Your moonsault connects just as Dead of Matrix gets to get off the mat.

00:57:10 Boom. Back down to the mat again.

00:57:12 I'm going to go for the pin.

00:57:15 I want to get this over as quickly as possible if that's alright.

00:57:18 Sure.

00:57:20 What am I rolling on?

00:57:23 You're just going to give them a roll now?

00:57:24 I said just roll a regular 2d6.

00:57:28 Seven.

00:57:30 You're going for the pin. One, two, kick out.

00:57:36 Please, please, please.

00:57:39 You're at that stage now where you're so taken aback by this kick out, you're giving Dead of Matrix plenty of chance to get up and do a move.

00:57:45 I haven't gotten up anywhere. I assume you're still on the ground-ish so I just grab the back of your neck and go straight for my knee.

00:57:52 Hopefully cracking your nose open.

00:57:54 Crikey.

00:57:55 You can roll on reel for that.

00:57:57 I'm going to go from stone wash to blood wash.

00:58:00 Oh!

00:58:02 He's dead!

00:58:04 It's a 12 plus 2. That's a 14.

00:58:06 That's a natural critical.

00:58:08 Okay. That is fantastic.

00:58:13 So your knee, right?

00:58:15 Your knee goes straight up in almost slow motion.

00:58:19 You can see the denim clad knee just moving towards you almost at a pleasant meditative pace.

00:58:29 Unable to move out of the way.

00:58:31 Dude!

00:58:33 The very first thing you feel is the soft and comfortable touch of denim.

00:58:37 Immediately followed by the hard push and pow of bone colliding with the cartilage in your nose.

00:58:44 There's a kind of meaty grinding sound as your nose just collapses in on itself.

00:58:53 Almost becomes concave at this point and blood just gushes down your face.

00:58:58 I think you're actually going to look like a Ninja Turtle.

00:59:05 Beans!

00:59:07 It spreads down across your chest, across your legs.

00:59:11 Something actually seems to fall out from it.

00:59:14 Maybe pure cartilage torn through the impact just drops onto the mat in a wet splotch.

00:59:21 I look around to see if my mentor is around.

00:59:26 I cough a bit of blood and I notice a little bit of white in there with the blood.

00:59:34 I'm looking around but he's nowhere to be seen.

00:59:36 What are you doing, Denimatrix?

00:59:38 I'm just dipping my finger in the blood and destroying wallpaper.

00:59:42 I would say right now Kid Flips is incredibly incapacitated.

00:59:46 You can go for the pin.

00:59:47 I would like to go for the pin.

00:59:49 Oh my God.

00:59:53 That's a four.

00:59:55 Yes, he's got heart!

00:59:57 The heart and soul of Skimmy!

00:59:59 So right now Kid Flips is just scrambling around the ring, blood and a little bit of milk gooping from his nose,

01:00:05 looking for any sign of his beloved mentor.

01:00:07 You just stalk over him like some predator.

01:00:12 Lean down, ready to take advantage, go in for the pin and then crack!

01:00:18 At the back of your head you feel something metal and solid connect with your skull.

01:00:22 You collapse face first into the mat.

01:00:25 You turn just in time to see the figure of Apex standing over you.

01:00:30 Oh no!

01:00:33 You again!

01:00:34 Like five.

01:00:36 And he kicks you in the face.

01:00:39 You made that straight away! I didn't do anything!

01:00:42 He just kicks you in the face again, bashes you in the back of the skull one more time, crack!

01:00:46 With this heavy belt and makes his way out of the ring.

01:00:53 You come to at this point.

01:00:55 I just, I'm still, I'm not entirely, I don't know what's happened.

01:00:58 I would never take advantage of this situation if I'd actually seen it, but you know, you did break my face.

01:01:04 So I just, I just collapse with one arm over you in the ring.

01:01:11 Go for it.

01:01:15 That's five.

01:01:17 That's one, two, and I kick out.

01:01:20 Oh god, this is too intense!

01:01:23 I don't know what I'm doing, so I'm going to stumble up to the top rope and try and hit my finisher.

01:01:28 My finisher, the double corkscrew moonsault.

01:01:32 It's called round the twist.

01:01:34 I look back over, I touch my nose and say, "Hey, whoever?"

01:01:39 And I felt like this.

01:01:41 You can enter your work for this.

01:01:43 My work is six!

01:01:47 Remember you've got your reroll as well.

01:01:48 My reroll, yes, absolutely.

01:01:50 I hint at what's behind the mask.

01:01:52 I reach up.

01:01:54 I notice the milk.

01:01:56 And I think, "Oh my god.

01:02:00 We have a conversation we need to have."

01:02:08 That's it.

01:02:09 Plus work is eight.

01:02:11 Take us through.

01:02:13 It flips over in the air.

01:02:17 Beautiful.

01:02:18 When strange things happen.

01:02:21 I'm going to be going round the twist.

01:02:23 I land and I just hook the leg.

01:02:27 Count me in, dad.

01:02:28 I mean, count me in, sir.

01:02:37 One, two, three.

01:02:43 The winner, Kid Flips!

01:02:48 What?

01:02:49 Flips.

01:02:50 Flippin' heck.

01:02:51 I raise a hand to you to try and help you up.

01:02:58 And I say, "I'm sorry.

01:03:02 I really am.

01:03:03 I'm sorry."

01:03:09 I see your hand.

01:03:11 I completely appreciate what's happened.

01:03:13 I am a respectful wrestler and I have no regard for the rules.

01:03:19 So I put your face into the ropes and I choke your throat until you submit.

01:03:23 Oh, God.

01:03:24 Spiky.

01:03:27 I'm out on KS.

01:03:29 Roll on power to maintain consciousness quickly.

01:03:32 Minus two.

01:03:34 That was not good.

01:03:35 That's not fine.

01:03:36 That's bad.

01:03:37 You pass out and just collapse, collapse onto the mat.

01:03:42 There's a brief moment of pause and incredulity in the audience as they just take in exactly what's happened in the last couple of minutes.

01:03:52 At the top of the ramp stands QC, his arms folded, looking you in the eye.

01:04:02 You're fired.

01:04:10 The camera cuts on that bombshell to the door to management's office, creaking open, and a dejected-looking milkman stepping out.

01:04:25 Just stand for a moment so the camera catches me.

01:04:27 Just walk out of shot.

01:04:29 We'll stop there.

01:04:30 That's it for this week's episode of City British Wrestling's Sunday Night Lightning.

01:04:35 We'll see you all next week.

01:04:37 Thanks, Tom.

01:04:38 That's it for this week's episode of No Rolls Barred.

01:04:42 Really hope you enjoyed it.

01:04:43 Check out the next episode this time next week here on PartsFUNknown.

01:04:47 In the meantime, if you would like to get even more involved in the CBW universe, check out No Rolls Barred's Patreon.

01:04:55 The link is in the description below, and there are all sorts of fantastic ways you can get more from the series.

01:04:59 There are behind-the-scenes footage, there's production podcasts, booking podcasts with myself and Tom, live streams with me,

01:05:06 and you can even create your very own CBW wrestler, which will be put in the show.

01:05:11 And if you can't wait until next Sunday, there's even 48-hour early access.

01:05:16 So what are you waiting for? Head to our Patreon and check out the rest of the amazing content here on PartsFUNknown.

Welcome To City British Wrestling | CBW S01E01 | partsFUNknown

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