Milk. Demons. Farm Puns.
*Relevant video*
For exclusive Early Access to the next episode check out our Patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/partsFUNknown
Subscribe: https://bit.ly/2J2Hl6q | Make sure to enable ALL push notifications!
Watch More PartFUNknown: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLvCO_flsEnKylfKTab7Q92RDBN-fOz0m
#partsfunknown #wrestling #
Episode 2 of CBW is here! Every week, follow the exploits of Oli, Laurie, Luke, Adam and Lolo as they roleplay wrestlers in the fictional world of City British Wrestling, hosted as ever by Tom, CBW's Head of Creative.
CBW uses a system based on World Wide Wrestling, designed by Nathan D. Paoletta. To experience the full game, check it out at https://ndpdesign.com/
Follow PartsFUNknown
TWITTER: https://twitter.com/partsFUNknown
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/partsFUNknown
QuizzleMania: A Wrestling Comedy Quiz Show! On Apple Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/quizzlemania-a-wrestling-comedy-quiz-show/id1482419385
City British Wrestling: The Official Podcast Feed on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/episode/6RfWW29m4sk070YC03Kx5y
About PartsFunknown
How Adam Would Book, No Rolls Barred, Explained. PFK makes wrestling EXTRA FUN.
For brand partnerships, contact: dominic@playbookmedia.co.uk
*Relevant video*
For exclusive Early Access to the next episode check out our Patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/partsFUNknown
Subscribe: https://bit.ly/2J2Hl6q | Make sure to enable ALL push notifications!
Watch More PartFUNknown: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLvCO_flsEnKylfKTab7Q92RDBN-fOz0m
#partsfunknown #wrestling #
Episode 2 of CBW is here! Every week, follow the exploits of Oli, Laurie, Luke, Adam and Lolo as they roleplay wrestlers in the fictional world of City British Wrestling, hosted as ever by Tom, CBW's Head of Creative.
CBW uses a system based on World Wide Wrestling, designed by Nathan D. Paoletta. To experience the full game, check it out at https://ndpdesign.com/
Follow PartsFUNknown
TWITTER: https://twitter.com/partsFUNknown
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/partsFUNknown
QuizzleMania: A Wrestling Comedy Quiz Show! On Apple Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/quizzlemania-a-wrestling-comedy-quiz-show/id1482419385
City British Wrestling: The Official Podcast Feed on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/episode/6RfWW29m4sk070YC03Kx5y
About PartsFunknown
How Adam Would Book, No Rolls Barred, Explained. PFK makes wrestling EXTRA FUN.
For brand partnerships, contact: dominic@playbookmedia.co.uk
Category
🦄
CreativityTranscript
00:00:00 Hello, I'm Adam Hailing from Partz, Fun Known, and welcome to the second episode of
00:00:06 No Rolls Barred, our brand new wrestling RPG series.
00:00:11 Welcome back, hope you liked the first one.
00:00:13 This next one is going to be even better.
00:00:16 So just a reminder before we kick off that this game is based on an existing system designed
00:00:21 by Nathan D. Paroletta, so if you like this game but fancy the full experience, head over
00:00:26 to his website, link in the description below.
00:00:30 If you do need a refresher course on the rules, please do check out the beginning of episode
00:00:35 1.
00:00:36 Without further ado, here we go into episode 2.
00:00:39 This one is going to get a little weird.
00:00:43 Hello and welcome to City British Wrestling.
00:00:47 My name's Tom, I'm head of creative here at CBW, and these are our players.
00:00:51 I'm Laurie, I play Tony the Milkman, who is a veteran character.
00:00:55 I'm Ollie, I play Golden Joe.
00:00:58 Joe.
00:00:59 Joe.
00:01:00 Joe.
00:01:01 I'll only do it when the thing starts.
00:01:02 He's a golden boy.
00:01:07 I'm his brother, Silver Bro.
00:01:09 I play the Gatekeeper.
00:01:10 My name's Lolo, I play the Demonatrix, and I am the Anti-Hero.
00:01:17 And it's me, your friendly neighbourhood Kid Flips, the High Flyer, and I'm Adam also.
00:01:23 Right.
00:01:24 You absolutely yodered that, didn't you?
00:01:29 Let's do a fight.
00:01:31 We find ourselves this week in Chester Coliseum.
00:01:35 The entire arena is dressed up with Doric columns, the trappings of ancient Greco-Roman
00:01:40 culture.
00:01:41 In the upper levels, the sponsors and corporate supporters of City British Wrestling are ready
00:01:46 to enjoy the bread and circuses management has in store for them today.
00:01:50 Welcome everyone to City British Wrestling and welcome to Sunday Night Lightning.
00:02:05 Prepare yourselves as these ring wranglers clash inside and outside the ropes in the
00:02:11 name of villainy, valour and victory.
00:02:15 Now let's waste no more time and welcome to the ring, hailing from Puddington, Yorkshire,
00:02:22 Kid Flips!
00:02:28 So spotlight.
00:02:32 You see nothing to start and then suddenly a huge burst of doves out from the floor.
00:02:39 Oli's Kid Flips.
00:02:41 He skates around the top of the ramp.
00:02:43 He grabs the S, the K, the A, the T and the E and he flies down to the ring and he's grinding
00:02:51 as he goes, his cap perfectly backwards, his shirt, the dye is so tied and he flips into
00:02:59 the ring.
00:03:00 He runs up to the turnbuckle, gets on the ropes and kind of just like enjoys the adulation
00:03:05 of the crowd.
00:03:06 Hey, hey, hey!
00:03:07 Okay, thanks guys.
00:03:08 That's cool.
00:03:09 Don't worry about it.
00:03:10 But then he looks out at the crowd, sees his mum, she's always there.
00:03:16 Hiya mum!
00:03:18 And then he looks around at the ringside and you see a look of resignation and disappointment
00:03:27 briefly flicker over his face.
00:03:29 But then straight back to business.
00:03:31 Let's do this!
00:03:33 Cowabunga.
00:03:34 Making his way to the ring, hailing from parts unknown, your City British Champion,
00:03:44 Apex!
00:03:46 The lights dim on the audience again.
00:03:51 That same grey-green glow starts to emanate from the top of the ramp and out steps 7ft
00:03:57 tall muscle-carved Apex.
00:03:59 Slung over his shoulder, the dead body of a grizzly bear he carries down the ring.
00:04:05 Lifting it up his shoulder, he slams it against the top of the ramp, looks at one of his own
00:04:10 huge muscular hands and drives it deep into the bear's chest, pulling out its heart.
00:04:16 Splink!
00:04:17 He opens his mouth wide and puts the heart hole inside his jaw, bites down on it, blood
00:04:25 oozes from his lips, down his chin and onto his muscular chest.
00:04:29 He swallows, spits out the gristle on the floor, stamps one heavy foot down on the ground,
00:04:37 bellows, matches eyes with kid flips and starts stomping without pause into the ring.
00:04:45 Brilliant.
00:04:46 Oh, you're going down!
00:04:48 Good luck mate!
00:04:50 Have a lovely time!
00:04:51 Any tips from your last match, mentor?
00:04:54 No.
00:04:55 Ding, ding, ding!
00:04:56 The following match is scheduled for one fall!
00:04:59 One fall!
00:05:00 Ding, ding, ding!
00:05:02 Immediately this huge hand reaches out, grabs you by the throat and lifts you off the ground
00:05:06 again.
00:05:07 Little boy, do not step into my ring.
00:05:15 I try and pry his fingers open, I make eye contact with the ref, look over the ref's
00:05:22 left shoulder and go "eh oh, check it!" to try and distract him.
00:05:27 So roll on power first.
00:05:28 You're trying to pry open the fingers.
00:05:29 That is six, so no.
00:05:38 You get halfway through the word "check" before the air just leaves your throat.
00:05:43 Christ, okay, fair enough.
00:05:46 I will make the...
00:05:50 Okay, I'm going to make the secret gesture, or like secret facial gesture at my mum, which
00:05:56 is a secret signal, and she reaches into her purse and picks out a jar of like hand cream
00:06:01 and throws it at the back of the referee's head.
00:06:05 Okay, so your mum will have to make this roll.
00:06:09 Okay.
00:06:10 That's going to be 2d6.
00:06:13 And then, let's see, how old's your mum?
00:06:15 My mum's 50...
00:06:16 How old are you?
00:06:18 55.
00:06:19 She's about 57.
00:06:21 Okay.
00:06:23 And how much professional wrestling or shot put experience does she have?
00:06:28 She's a lifelong CBW fan, so she's thrown a few jars of hand cream at a time.
00:06:32 So we won't give her a negative modifier then.
00:06:35 Okay, rolling on mums.
00:06:37 Come on mum.
00:06:39 Come on mum!
00:06:40 Mum!
00:06:41 That's a hard success!
00:06:42 Mum!
00:06:43 Mum!
00:06:44 Mum!
00:06:45 Mum!
00:06:46 Mum!
00:06:47 Mum!
00:06:48 Okay, so you've got a round of hand cream.
00:06:49 Which is the most aerodynamic?
00:06:53 What's the heaviest?
00:06:56 Silky bastard hand cream.
00:06:59 It just bonks him on the back of the head enough to make him move his head and notice
00:07:05 at least.
00:07:06 I kick Apex square in the bollocks.
00:07:08 That is, that's power.
00:07:09 You need a hard success for this.
00:07:13 He's killing me!
00:07:18 So before you go for this kick, there is one thing you know for certain.
00:07:22 Apex doesn't wear a cup.
00:07:23 However, when your foot connects with his groin, it feels like you must.
00:07:27 Something in your ankle almost shatters.
00:07:30 He's got a steel rod.
00:07:32 Is he aroused by this?
00:07:35 This man is clearly just 100% muscle.
00:07:38 Lean, solid, all like bone and just dense.
00:07:41 He's got bollock muscles.
00:07:43 Jesus.
00:07:44 Okay.
00:07:45 Even his genitals are swollen.
00:07:48 He then choke slams you, boom, down onto the mat.
00:07:52 Picks you up again by the throat.
00:07:54 Boom, down again.
00:07:55 Picks you up one more time.
00:07:56 Boom, back onto the mat.
00:07:57 Ron on power.
00:07:58 Oh Christ.
00:07:59 One.
00:08:00 He picks you up one final time.
00:08:10 Puts a hand over the top of the other one.
00:08:13 Moves the other one down to maybe about your waist.
00:08:17 You're a kid more or less.
00:08:19 He's got big hands.
00:08:20 It's pretty much big enough to grab you around the waist one handed.
00:08:22 And he turns you upside down so your head is directly above the mat.
00:08:26 Then lifts you high into the air and I'm...
00:08:29 And here in the background, there's beep, beep, beep, beep.
00:08:38 As a giant lorry with a huge truck at the back starts rolling down the ramp in reverse.
00:08:45 And you notice it's full of denim.
00:08:47 Jeans, jackets, boots, hats, everything.
00:08:50 Just a massacre of denim.
00:08:53 And you see at the top of the truck, she is just standing there.
00:08:57 And Diletto's full denim whip has made out of denim and zips.
00:09:01 You know it's going to hurt.
00:09:02 Oh Christ.
00:09:03 And it's a whip crack and the whole thing spills out and fills the ramp and fills the entire
00:09:10 ring with denim.
00:09:12 Just so much denim that it just swamps Apex and Kitty McFlyface.
00:09:20 Stops the match entirely.
00:09:22 She slides down the side of the track and jumps into the ring and picks up the microphone.
00:09:27 I didn't mean to rake that bit, but here we are.
00:09:32 This will keep happening over and over and over again until I get rehired.
00:09:37 You have to know that I am a lean jean fighter.
00:09:42 Yes.
00:09:43 And it's about time you submit to total demonation.
00:09:50 I demand my job back.
00:09:54 And not only do I demand it back, I want a shot at the title.
00:10:01 Denim, denim, denim, denim, denim.
00:10:04 At this point, just before your head was about to hit the mat, a soft and protective wave
00:10:10 of denim washes underneath and you impact softly and gently into this pile of jeans
00:10:15 and then a drop.
00:10:18 Take a few moments to relax, to get your breath back, to recover on some very comfortable
00:10:22 material.
00:10:23 Hard wearing and comfortable.
00:10:25 Apex is trying to keep his balance in this sea of denim, trying to ride himself on his
00:10:29 feet, trying to find you somewhere.
00:10:31 Like finding a kid in a ball pit in a jungle gym.
00:10:35 He's trying to track down where you are.
00:10:37 As soon as you finish making your claim, the audience stop cheering their hearts out.
00:10:42 Oh, QC.
00:10:45 Once again, standing at the top of the ramp in his powdered wig and barrister's silks
00:10:53 is an even more displeased and disdainful looking QC.
00:10:57 He makes his way once again down the ramp, once again disapproving at everything he sees
00:11:02 and steps his long legs over the top rope into the ring to stand up as a you.
00:11:12 Well, well, well, Denim Matrix.
00:11:18 You've made quite a mess here once again in the middle of a very important squash match
00:11:26 in front of some very important sponsors.
00:11:30 Honestly, do you really think that this is going to make the slightest bit of difference?
00:11:38 I do.
00:11:40 I think it's important, but also where do you get your wigs from?
00:11:43 Because I feel we need to swap.
00:11:46 The day I wear anything the likes of you wear is the day I hang up my robes for good.
00:11:55 Maybe it's about time, old man.
00:11:58 Oh, now have you no.
00:12:00 I'm in the prime of life for a barrister.
00:12:04 But I can't stand you.
00:12:06 This whole system is all about you.
00:12:08 This whole thing has been run by people like you.
00:12:11 So old and boring you need to be gone.
00:12:14 I'll have you know I am old and interesting.
00:12:19 And I don't run this system.
00:12:21 I just make sure that the people who do get what they need.
00:12:26 Well, I need another shot.
00:12:30 Why?
00:12:33 Why do you deserve a shot at the City British Championship?
00:12:39 Why you?
00:12:41 What makes you think the good British public and the people of the world want to see you
00:12:48 as City British Champion?
00:12:51 Because I scare you.
00:12:54 And it's about time.
00:12:59 He looks over where Apex is still trawling through the pipes.
00:13:05 Grabbing jeans and tearing them apart and looking really frustrated that it's denim
00:13:09 and not a child.
00:13:12 Very well.
00:13:15 I will offer you a deal.
00:13:24 I will offer you a deal.
00:13:31 You can rejoin the roster at City British Wrestling and you, well, you will get your
00:13:39 chance at a championship match.
00:13:46 However, you will get that chance like everybody else by entering the legal wrangle next week.
00:13:58 However, in order to even qualify to step between these ropes as a legal wrestler again,
00:14:10 you will have to wrestle a match today.
00:14:15 Do you agree to these terms?
00:14:17 Yeah, fuck yeah.
00:14:19 He bops you in the head with his little gavel.
00:14:24 Very well.
00:14:25 Crack him on the bum with my whip.
00:14:28 He's into it.
00:14:29 He is.
00:14:30 Roll and look.
00:14:31 We'll have you roll and look.
00:14:32 He's not into it.
00:14:33 You can see he's toying with the idea of the split.
00:14:34 But then puts it out of his mind, straight up her back and stiff upper lip.
00:14:51 Literally will.
00:14:53 He makes his way back the ramp, the sound of chamber music.
00:14:58 And we cut now to somewhere else entirely.
00:15:04 We cut now to Golden Joe and Silver Bro.
00:15:10 Golden Joe is leading Silver Bro down a pine panelled corridor past some potted plants,
00:15:16 some chairs, some water fountains, what seems to be some kind of office building.
00:15:24 Golden Joe's in full outfit as usual.
00:15:26 Doesn't take it off.
00:15:27 Sleeps in that.
00:15:28 I'm talking to Silver Bro.
00:15:31 Just because, you know, last week when we had our match, I thought you like, was a little
00:15:36 bit in the way you looked and just behaved that it felt like you were jealous of me.
00:15:42 What?
00:15:43 I want to nip that in the bud.
00:15:44 Jealous?
00:15:45 Because you're my bro.
00:15:46 Yeah.
00:15:47 You are my Silver Bro.
00:15:49 And you're my Golden Joe.
00:15:50 I would never be jealous of you.
00:15:53 I said last week I'm a couple of years older than you.
00:15:57 Like, you're the future of this company.
00:15:59 I'm not jealous of that.
00:16:01 Yeah, exactly.
00:16:02 That's why we're here to have some family therapy.
00:16:06 If it's got, if that all makes you happy, then yeah, that sounds like a really good
00:16:12 idea.
00:16:13 I think it's going to be best for us.
00:16:14 It's going to be best for us.
00:16:19 And for this family.
00:16:20 And for our family.
00:16:21 Yeah.
00:16:22 Sounds good, man.
00:16:23 At this point, you have made your way to your destination.
00:16:29 You stand outside the door to the office of one Dr. Hed Shrunkner, family specialist.
00:16:36 You open the door and sitting in a very comfortable chair behind a nice mahogany desk with a chaise
00:16:41 long and a couple of more straight back chairs sitting in the room is a small man in a two-piece
00:16:46 tweed suit.
00:16:47 He's mostly bald, except for the little wisps of white hair around the back of his crown.
00:16:50 He has a little neat goatee.
00:16:51 He's smoking a pipe.
00:16:52 He's got a little heart in the glass.
00:16:53 Ah, so, the metal brothers.
00:16:54 Please, do take a seat.
00:16:55 I'll be the chair first.
00:16:56 Thank you.
00:16:57 I've already sat down.
00:16:58 I'm on the chaise lounge and I'm just, you know, sitting.
00:16:59 I take a seat next to you.
00:17:00 It's on the chaise lounge.
00:17:01 It's a tea lounge.
00:17:02 So, which of you would you like to be the first to sit down?
00:17:03 I would like to be the first to sit down.
00:17:04 I would like to be the first to sit down.
00:17:05 I would like to be the first to sit down.
00:17:06 I would like to be the first to sit down.
00:17:07 I would like to be the first to sit down.
00:17:08 I would like to be the first to sit down.
00:17:09 I would like to be the first to sit down.
00:17:10 I take a seat next to you.
00:17:21 So, which one of you is Mr Joe?
00:17:24 That would be me, Jay, Golden Jay, please.
00:17:27 Joe, please tell me, why did you suggest that you and your brother meet me here today to
00:17:33 discuss the family?
00:17:35 I love my brother more than anything.
00:17:37 He's helped me out through thick and thin, through metals.
00:17:42 And I want to just, I feel like there's some tension between us.
00:17:47 Tension?
00:17:48 I've first ever heard of that.
00:17:51 I mean, I don't even know what that word means.
00:17:53 It's, we're brothers, man.
00:17:55 Like, I love you.
00:17:56 Like, we are, we're going to win the tag titles together.
00:18:00 I mean, I'm glad that we're here because it's what you want.
00:18:06 And we're going to work it out, right?
00:18:07 You see what I'm dealing with?
00:18:08 Joe, what is it you think, you think that you are dealing with?
00:18:17 Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but just I'm chair of psychology, not to jump in for you.
00:18:22 But they, that was a lot of just like pent up, "Oh, you're better than me."
00:18:27 But you are better than me.
00:18:30 And in the match last week, he just, you know, he got a few moments where it seemed like
00:18:36 he was trying to do my stuff.
00:18:40 What do you feel your stuff is?
00:18:43 All the front face, front face and stuff, the crowd stuff, getting the reactions.
00:18:47 But you know, you know, the, the, the jackhammer thing you do?
00:18:50 Yeah.
00:18:51 For Mike, Old and Joe.
00:18:52 The silver spade.
00:18:53 Yeah.
00:18:54 You just held him up there for ages, man.
00:18:57 It's for you to run the ropes.
00:18:59 Yeah.
00:19:00 But they were watching you, weren't they?
00:19:02 No, they're watching you.
00:19:03 They're churning Joe when you hit the ropes.
00:19:05 They're into you.
00:19:06 I'm just, I'm just posing to show, you know, I've got some pretty good strength behind me.
00:19:11 But it's all about like, it's you finishing the match though.
00:19:14 Arrogance.
00:19:15 That bit there.
00:19:16 Yeah, I mean, but it's not, it's not arrogance.
00:19:19 Like it's, it's dual arrogance though, right?
00:19:21 I love my brother so much and I want us to win the tag titles, but I'm just concerned
00:19:27 that if this attitude carries on, something might go right.
00:19:31 I'm just being honest because I love you.
00:19:33 I mean, it's never failed us before.
00:19:36 The, you know, the, the rock solid has always finished a match.
00:19:40 I don't think it's ever not going to finish a match.
00:19:42 It's rock solid.
00:19:43 It's rock solid.
00:19:44 Exactly.
00:19:45 Yeah.
00:19:46 So I don't see where the problem lies in that because that move always wins.
00:19:48 What do you feel your role in this relationship, both as professional wrestlers and as brothers is?
00:20:00 Where does bro fit in?
00:20:02 It's a very simple question.
00:20:04 It's clear as day.
00:20:05 I'm the older brother.
00:20:07 I've got him into this business.
00:20:09 He's going to be a champion someday and I'm going to help him get there.
00:20:12 All the while singing his praises.
00:20:15 That's all I wanted to hear, man.
00:20:17 Yeah, it's fine.
00:20:18 It's fine.
00:20:19 Yeah.
00:20:20 I love you, bro.
00:20:21 So it seems that we have resolved everything in a matter of minutes.
00:20:24 You're a really good doctor.
00:20:27 Sometimes I just need to hear it.
00:20:29 You know, it's just, I get a little bit crazy sometimes.
00:20:32 Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:20:33 Excellent.
00:20:34 Well, let me ask maybe just one more question.
00:20:37 Let's try a little bit of what is known as radical candor.
00:20:41 Bro, I need you to be very honest with me and very honest with Joe.
00:20:47 That is why we are here.
00:20:49 That's why we're here.
00:20:50 That's why we're here.
00:20:52 Please.
00:20:53 Was that a question?
00:20:54 Sorry.
00:20:55 Sorry.
00:20:56 Go on.
00:20:58 Tell me, bro, nobody is perfect.
00:21:02 Joe, obviously.
00:21:03 Nobody is perfect.
00:21:06 There must be something about Joe that troubles you.
00:21:11 And now is the time and here is the place for you to share it.
00:21:16 It is a safe space.
00:21:19 But it's an impossible question.
00:21:21 Like, it's -- I mean, the punches obviously work.
00:21:27 The moves work less.
00:21:29 So maybe we should just focus on the punches and the kicks and the old shoulder blocks and stuff.
00:21:35 That just seems to be a sensible way for our tag team to work.
00:21:38 I could give it a go.
00:21:40 Yeah.
00:21:41 Give it a Joe.
00:21:43 [Laughter]
00:21:49 That is it.
00:21:50 I think that's it.
00:21:51 That is all the fault you can find.
00:21:52 Yeah, yeah.
00:21:53 It would not be fair if I did not ask the same question to you, Joe.
00:21:57 As a person and as a brother, where do you feel Bro should change?
00:22:03 Just be honest as well.
00:22:05 Change.
00:22:06 Just be honest about it.
00:22:07 It's all right.
00:22:08 Just open up.
00:22:09 Well, you've got the whole supporting me thing down.
00:22:11 I love you for that.
00:22:13 I guess -- you know what?
00:22:16 We're not the singles champions yet.
00:22:18 I mean the tag team champions yet.
00:22:22 So, yeah, just be a tag team champion with me.
00:22:26 Well, that's great because that's what we're going to do.
00:22:28 We're the number one contenders.
00:22:29 We're going to win those tag titles.
00:22:30 Tag title tag.
00:22:31 Gentlemen, I feel there is something beneath the surface that you two are just not willing to share in this forum.
00:22:37 And I understand.
00:22:39 I understand it is difficult.
00:22:41 And sometimes there are things about ourselves that we do not know on a conscious level.
00:22:47 So, I am going to recommend you to a friend of mine, another specialist, who has a very different approach to accents.
00:22:58 And to psychiatry, whereas I work to heal the mind, you boys need to go and speak to someone who will heal your soul.
00:23:12 A soul?
00:23:13 Your soul.
00:23:15 Soul.
00:23:16 Soul.
00:23:17 Is that another metal?
00:23:18 It must be.
00:23:19 Soul.
00:23:20 Like an element.
00:23:21 Soul-er.
00:23:22 Jen Franklin soul-er.
00:23:24 We're going to jump backstage to a familiar location with a slightly different setup.
00:23:30 The same locker room where we saw the milkman bloodied and beaten and broken.
00:23:36 We now see a thankfully still alive and still healthy Kid Flips sitting on his own recovering from his very throttle and denim heavy match earlier today.
00:23:50 And in steps the milkman through the door.
00:23:55 Lad, are you okay, lad?
00:23:57 Oh, hey up. It's you, is it?
00:24:00 I haven't seen you in a week.
00:24:02 Alright?
00:24:04 No, look at me.
00:24:07 Where were you last week?
00:24:09 You know, strike that.
00:24:11 Kick that to the curb, as they say.
00:24:14 Now.
00:24:16 Where were you this morning?
00:24:17 Where were you when I was getting my-
00:24:20 I was almost killed in that match.
00:24:23 I was almost choked out.
00:24:25 You said you would be there for me.
00:24:27 I know, lad. It's out of my hands.
00:24:30 What's out of your hands?
00:24:32 The future. Everything.
00:24:34 What do you mean?
00:24:35 We've-
00:24:37 Management, they called me in last week.
00:24:40 They said my next match will be my retirement match.
00:24:46 If I lose, I have to leave the company.
00:24:49 They said I'm not good enough anymore.
00:24:50 I'm too old. I'm too slow.
00:24:52 I'm too slightly fat. I'm not that fat.
00:24:55 I'm good. I'm good.
00:24:56 But they said I'm not drawing the crowds anymore like I used to.
00:25:00 And they said I'm gonna be out.
00:25:02 Tony.
00:25:05 Maybe they're right.
00:25:07 [Gasps]
00:25:09 Look at you.
00:25:11 You're still not ready to compete.
00:25:13 I assume you're wrestling tonight, right?
00:25:15 I am, lad.
00:25:16 Yeah, I thought you would be.
00:25:17 I'll be wrestling every night until they kick me out the door.
00:25:21 Until they send the men and they drag me out.
00:25:23 Or until you-
00:25:26 You're not in a good way.
00:25:27 Do you think maybe it's management's way of telling you that if you don't hang it up,
00:25:32 you'll end up doing yourself in?
00:25:34 I've still got it, lad.
00:25:36 I could beat anyone on this roster.
00:25:38 I could beat them all around the ring until the cows come home.
00:25:41 And when the cows come home, I'll fucking milk 'em.
00:25:44 Because that's what real men do!
00:25:48 Oh, aye.
00:25:49 Is that what real men do?
00:25:52 Do they leave?
00:25:54 Is that what real men do?
00:25:56 Do they have a son that they never raise?
00:26:02 Do they walk away from a chance to be with their family for the sake of their own pride?
00:26:08 There were other stops on the round, lad.
00:26:10 There were other stops.
00:26:12 Oh, aye.
00:26:14 But she was your favourite stop, wasn't she?
00:26:16 She was the biggest tipper.
00:26:19 Look me in the eyes.
00:26:22 Right now.
00:26:24 And tell me you're not my father.
00:26:29 I can't.
00:26:31 I'll just walk off.
00:26:33 Jerry, Jerry.
00:26:36 Okay, let's just- let's everyone take a moment.
00:26:40 I'm full on soap opera, so to say.
00:26:45 Let's do a fight.
00:26:47 Let's do a cry.
00:26:50 Feelings.
00:26:52 The brothers.
00:26:54 The two of you are out in the deserts of Chester.
00:26:58 No buildings, no plant life, no water, nothing.
00:27:01 But the endless and famous sand wastes of Chester.
00:27:08 The only landmark for miles is the landmark you two are walking to right now.
00:27:13 A small tent in the middle of nowhere.
00:27:18 You've been told that the person who will help you heal your souls resides within this tent.
00:27:26 As you get there and move back the canvas, there is a small old man sitting with his legs crossed.
00:27:36 Smoking pipe.
00:27:38 A proper, polished, fancy looking mahogany pipe puffing away.
00:27:43 He has a big candle bar moustache on his face.
00:27:46 But otherwise he's completely clean shaven.
00:27:48 His head on his chin.
00:27:55 Ah.
00:27:57 The brothers.
00:28:00 Are you the doctor that's going to save our souls?
00:28:05 Is it like a mind test?
00:28:09 I see my colleague has sent you.
00:28:14 I recognize that accent anywhere.
00:28:18 Have a seat. Have a seat.
00:28:26 He hands you both a small stone bowl.
00:28:30 Thank you.
00:28:32 Inside is just a...
00:28:36 Inside is just a pile of foliage mush.
00:28:41 Consume the contents of these bowls.
00:28:46 And you will be able to face your demons.
00:28:54 Do what it says, bro.
00:28:56 Of course, Joe.
00:29:08 Weird tasting.
00:29:11 I'm going to have you make a work roll.
00:29:18 Minus one.
00:29:22 Eat it, bitch.
00:29:26 Joe, come on, man. We need to work through...
00:29:28 Just do what the man says.
00:29:32 Fucking restless.
00:29:36 Now before the effects of this powerful hallucinogenic sink in...
00:29:42 It was a one hour one, then?
00:29:45 I thought they were assholes.
00:29:48 Make your way outside of the tent.
00:29:52 Across to opposite ends of this sand waste where you will find...
00:29:57 A dip in the earth where your inner demons will meet you.
00:30:03 What?
00:30:04 How long is that going to take?
00:30:07 Three minute stops.
00:30:10 Are we booked for tonight?
00:30:14 No, you will be wrestling a match against your very souls.
00:30:20 Oh, crap.
00:30:23 Okay.
00:30:26 I've got you, man. I've got you.
00:30:29 We'll ride this out together, man.
00:30:31 This is just like that time I was partying with the milkman a few years back.
00:30:35 It's alright. We'll get through it. It's okay.
00:30:37 Okay?
00:30:38 Yeah, yeah. It's alright, man. It's okay.
00:30:40 Hold my hand. Hold my hand. Hold my hand.
00:30:42 It's like a tag. It's like a tag.
00:30:44 Hold my hand. Hold my hand. Hold my hand.
00:30:46 I don't want a tag. Hold my hand. Hold my hand.
00:30:48 I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
00:30:50 Hold my hand. Hold my hand. Is he still there?
00:30:52 He's gone.
00:30:54 It looks like he's still there. I'm going. I'll leave as well.
00:30:57 So you've been instructed to go to the opposite end of this tent.
00:31:01 I'll turn around and go the other way, then.
00:31:04 So we'll start with you, bro.
00:31:08 So three minutes tops of walking barefoot inexplicably.
00:31:12 You don't remember taking your shoes off through the sand.
00:31:15 You find yourself in this little maybe ten foot by ten foot divot,
00:31:19 a kind of natural arena that's formed amidst the powdered glass.
00:31:24 And there, as you wait, and your vision starts to blur,
00:31:27 and your mind starts to get hazy,
00:31:29 and some kind of strange drone starts to hum through your ears,
00:31:33 you see the sand in front of you start to take shape with shadow
00:31:38 and form the figure of a featureless, faceless, expressionless, humanoid man.
00:31:46 Hello?
00:31:54 Are you my demon?
00:32:02 At the same time, Joe, a similar experience passes through your body
00:32:08 as you find yourself in this little natural arena.
00:32:11 That same sense of haze and drone and blurred vision,
00:32:15 and the sand and the shadows rise in front of you to form the shape
00:32:18 of a tall, broad-shouldered, featureless and faceless figure.
00:32:28 You both look up into the now inexplicably night sky,
00:32:33 and you see the moon, and connected to the moon is a metal curve of a little bell
00:32:37 that goes "Ding, ding, ding!"
00:32:40 This isn't like that time with the knockman.
00:32:43 The following contest is scheduled for one soul!
00:32:48 One soul!
00:32:51 Bro, what are you doing?
00:32:53 I'm going to sit down.
00:32:56 I just need to sit down.
00:32:59 I need to have a sit down now.
00:33:03 As you go to sit down, the shadow...
00:33:07 You're literally just sitting down.
00:33:10 I'm going to write this out by sitting down.
00:33:13 Joe, what are you doing?
00:33:15 I'm going to go for it.
00:33:18 I'm going to keep punching this big object.
00:33:21 Go for power.
00:33:22 This is like a dream, they're not connecting.
00:33:24 Ah, five!
00:33:27 Your fists seem to whiff past this shadowy, sandy figure.
00:33:34 You can't tell if they're not connecting,
00:33:36 or if this thing just doesn't seem to be made of any kind of corporeal form.
00:33:40 I go round for my new submission move that I've been trying to work out,
00:33:44 if I was to break off as a single star.
00:33:46 It's called the Full Golden.
00:33:48 It's a full... it's just a full mouse.
00:33:51 I will let you roll on your heat with...
00:33:55 Run your heat with bro for that, because it's all about singles.
00:34:02 That's 11.
00:34:05 You slide in your full mouse and just connect.
00:34:07 You have a good, firm grip on this figure.
00:34:10 What are you doing next?
00:34:12 I'm going to try and submit him.
00:34:14 I'm going to submit you, bro!
00:34:16 Apparition!
00:34:17 I'm going to submit you, bro apparition!
00:34:21 OK, we'll leave you there trying to submit the bro apparition.
00:34:24 You are sat down on the ground.
00:34:26 For a small amount of time passing, this figure starts to walk towards you.
00:34:30 It reaches out its arms towards your face.
00:34:33 I was going to try and swap my way.
00:34:35 It starts to sway and move, and then the shape shifts behind you,
00:34:40 shifts around you, and starts to grapple its arms around your body.
00:34:44 You feel this genuine physical pain and pressure on your neck and upper back.
00:34:47 What are you doing?
00:34:48 I'm going to power out of it.
00:34:50 I'm just going to...
00:34:52 ...just sort of hulk my way out of it.
00:34:55 And that is not going to happen.
00:34:57 That is a 5.
00:34:59 You try, but physical strength doesn't seem to help you here in the face of something so unphysical.
00:35:05 The pain in your neck and back deepens.
00:35:07 What are you doing?
00:35:08 I'm going to try and put my arms up into the air and slink out of it.
00:35:12 Okay, you can go on and work for that. Why not?
00:35:15 There's toddler defenses, isn't there?
00:35:18 It's slightly better. It's 5.
00:35:21 That's still not enough.
00:35:23 You can't slide out of something which seems to be almost coalescing with your very form at this point,
00:35:28 and you're still stuck fast.
00:35:29 We're going to jump back to Joe.
00:35:31 You're still trying to put the submission down.
00:35:33 So you're going to go in for the full golden.
00:35:34 Full golden's still locked in. We're both down snug.
00:35:37 So you're just continuously applying pressure on that.
00:35:39 So we're going to move to power for that now.
00:35:41 Okay.
00:35:42 It's a 6.
00:35:44 I'm so sorry.
00:35:46 You can re-roll it.
00:35:47 That's true. You have both your face re-rolls and your...
00:35:51 You can use mine. You can use my re-roll.
00:35:54 You can use my re-roll.
00:35:56 Can I re-roll?
00:35:57 Yeah, sure.
00:35:58 Oh, god.
00:35:59 7.
00:36:00 Okay, you tighten the full golden.
00:36:06 You feel this sandy, shadowy form start to solidify and harden.
00:36:12 It feels more like muscle and bone and flesh now.
00:36:16 And you squeeze and you squeeze and you squeeze.
00:36:20 And it passes out.
00:36:26 Meanwhile, across the desert.
00:36:31 You try so hard to power, to technique your way out of this hole,
00:36:35 but it's too much.
00:36:36 The pain in your neck and your back gets greater and greater and greater.
00:36:39 You feel your vision start to darken.
00:36:43 You feel the blood pumping in your brain and in your chest.
00:36:47 And you are out.
00:36:50 Oh, bro.
00:36:52 He died.
00:36:57 Oh, my god.
00:36:58 And as you collapse, the figure gets to its feet and stands over you.
00:37:04 For a brief moment, the shadows of its form broaden and heighten
00:37:10 until it seems to take the form of a large, broad-shouldered, square-headed man.
00:37:16 And then the shadows dissipate away,
00:37:19 and behind, unknown to your unconscious brain, is...
00:37:27 Joe.
00:37:28 Oh, crap, I killed him!
00:37:31 You get up from delivering the full golden
00:37:35 and just see this pile of shadows on the ground.
00:37:37 For a brief moment, those shadows reshape
00:37:42 into the form of something tall and broad with a square jaw and a square head.
00:37:47 And as they dissipate,
00:37:49 you find yourself looking down at the unconscious body of Silverbro.
00:37:54 Oh, no.
00:37:57 Oh, bro.
00:37:59 Oh, I don't know why it seems like you took that trip thing really badly.
00:38:04 I wasn't involved in this, I was wrestling sand.
00:38:07 I'm gonna call an Uber.
00:38:11 I'm calling Uber.
00:38:14 Sure, make a...
00:38:17 It's the mid-nineties.
00:38:19 Invented Uber.
00:38:22 Make a straight 2D six-wheel to see if you can call a cab.
00:38:26 A taxi is on its way to you, but it's gonna take a while.
00:38:33 I've got some water somewhere in my pocket.
00:38:38 I'm just offering the water now.
00:38:40 Bro, can you make a power-off for me?
00:38:41 Yeah, power-off.
00:38:42 That would be 11.
00:38:45 You come to after your ideal, and what do you see?
00:38:48 But the face of your beloved brother here.
00:38:50 You saved me!
00:38:52 You saved me! The sand tried to kill me!
00:38:57 It tried to get me too, man.
00:38:59 But you fought it off.
00:39:00 Yeah, yeah, yeah, and yours.
00:39:01 Because of course you did.
00:39:04 Joe, I don't know what drugs they tried to put us on,
00:39:09 but I'm glad you were strong enough to work through it and save us both.
00:39:14 Yeah, let's not go into the desert anymore.
00:39:17 Desert's dumb. Desert's stupid.
00:39:20 Let's go back to the... I don't know.
00:39:24 Home? Yeah, that's not stupid.
00:39:26 It's technically home, yeah.
00:39:28 Okay, and we will draw a curtain on your time in the desert.
00:39:32 And as we do, the sand and the shadows very briefly once again
00:39:37 just wisp through this form of a tall, square-headed man
00:39:41 and then dissipate into the night.
00:39:45 Okay, we are back in the ring, back in Chester Coliseum.
00:39:48 The following contest is scheduled for one fall.
00:39:52 One fall!
00:39:54 Making his way to the ring, hailing from Puddington, Yorkshire,
00:39:59 the Milk Man!
00:40:01 Milk!
00:40:03 Two wooden cows are pushed onto the stage.
00:40:09 I burst through the curtain, dripping milk everywhere
00:40:14 from two open pints that I'm holding.
00:40:16 I tip both of the cows as I go.
00:40:19 Two Bavarian milkmaids come out from behind, flanking me with their pails.
00:40:24 They kneel down. There are fully working udders on the wooden cows.
00:40:30 As my music builds to a minor crescendo, it's a bit twee,
00:40:35 milk begins to arch and jet, falling out of the top of me.
00:40:38 Sort of like there's so much milk, it's just everywhere.
00:40:42 It kind of obscures me in the camera shot.
00:40:44 And then there's this moment where I burst through the milky film,
00:40:47 breathing it out of my nostrils like Goldberg,
00:40:50 and I rush down to the ring, ready for my match.
00:40:53 Amazing. Do you want to grab the mic?
00:40:56 Dairy beloved, we are gathered here today
00:41:01 to see the comeback of the century.
00:41:05 Tony the Milkman is here, and he's not fucking about.
00:41:11 Yeah!
00:41:13 Fuck.
00:41:15 Management have told me that the next match I lose
00:41:19 means I have to leave CBW.
00:41:23 No!
00:41:25 Do we want that, Chester?
00:41:27 No!
00:41:29 CBW is my heart and my soul,
00:41:33 and I will fight with everything I've got to protect it,
00:41:37 for I am smoother than milk, I am sharper than silk,
00:41:42 and I have had it with them backstage and their ilk.
00:41:46 Yeah!
00:41:48 Crying in cutlets, you bastards.
00:41:50 Get that down you.
00:41:52 Amazing. Amazing.
00:41:54 Making his way to the stage,
00:41:56 hailing from the Yorkshire Dales,
00:42:00 Stretch Armstrong!
00:42:06 There's a...
00:42:08 [MAKES ENGINE NOISES]
00:42:10 noise of some old big engine starting up.
00:42:13 And careening its way...
00:42:15 Not careening, sorry, just swerving its way
00:42:17 out to the top of the ramp is a big red tractor
00:42:20 with big dirty mud-covered wheels on the back,
00:42:22 small dirty mud-covered wheels on the front,
00:42:24 one of those sort of metal steam spouts
00:42:27 like pumping out gas and engine oil.
00:42:29 And sitting on top of it,
00:42:31 a big, not overly ripped, but clearly very muscular,
00:42:35 large fella in denim overalls, a straw hat,
00:42:39 chewing a piece of wheat,
00:42:41 just chugging along his tractor,
00:42:43 riding it down the ramp, down to the ring.
00:42:46 He gets out, waves at the audience,
00:42:50 waves at you,
00:42:54 makes his way very patiently up the steps into the ring,
00:42:59 nods at one of his palm hands to jump in the tractor
00:43:01 and drive it away.
00:43:03 Gets a little piglet out of his pocket for good luck,
00:43:06 gives a little rub, kisses on the head,
00:43:09 puts it back down, lets it scurry around the ring a bit,
00:43:12 and then it just makes its way down the steps
00:43:14 and follows the tractor.
00:43:16 "All right then, time for a fight!"
00:43:21 What a colourful world.
00:43:25 So, we're going to start this match with Stretch in control.
00:43:32 Actually no, we're going to start this match with you in control, I think.
00:43:35 That seems a little more exciting.
00:43:37 Ding, ding, ding, ding!
00:43:39 I come right in and I'm going straight for the test of strength.
00:43:42 The old school, British wrestling style test of strength.
00:43:45 Put my hands up, see if he responds.
00:43:47 These two farmhands strong, leathery workman's hands, boom,
00:43:51 connect with yours and you start pushing against each other.
00:43:54 Roll on power.
00:43:55 Come on Tony!
00:43:58 That is a...
00:44:01 seven.
00:44:02 Hey!
00:44:04 He pushes, you start to feel your feet dig into the mat,
00:44:07 you start to feel your muscles warm up and tighten.
00:44:10 It looks like he's starting to get traction on you,
00:44:12 but then with a surge of power you push him back a couple of steps
00:44:16 and he's just slowly, very slowly being forced back towards the ropes
00:44:20 by your strength. What are you doing?
00:44:22 I'm going to go for the push down so he drops to his knees.
00:44:25 That's another power roll.
00:44:27 - Oh, Tony! - Just keep doing it.
00:44:28 - Oh, Tony. - No, it's not going well.
00:44:29 Five.
00:44:30 Oh, Tony.
00:44:32 Tony gets too into the British wrestling style.
00:44:35 So you start to lean forward and push down,
00:44:37 his knee starts to bend as he goes towards the mat, like,
00:44:40 "Oh, Tony to turn up the beat!"
00:44:43 And he straightens his body, pushes your hands backwards,
00:44:46 pushes you back so you start to stumble,
00:44:48 and then goes for a heavy palm straight into your chest
00:44:52 to knock you back and starts walking towards you.
00:44:54 What are you doing?
00:44:56 I am going to, sort of stumbling backwards,
00:44:59 I'm just going to power forwards with a big...
00:45:02 Always leaning on power, Tony.
00:45:05 Tony doesn't know, Tony loves power.
00:45:08 That is a six.
00:45:12 Oh, sorry, Tony.
00:45:14 Told you to do some grievous bodily form.
00:45:17 Lay into your stomach with boom, boom, boom,
00:45:21 big, stiff, thick farmhand punches.
00:45:24 What are you doing?
00:45:26 I'm going to try and catch one and turn it into a wrist lock.
00:45:28 Work.
00:45:30 Come on.
00:45:32 - Yes, Tony! - It's a nine.
00:45:34 Yeah, so as one of them goes, you grab him by the wrist,
00:45:36 you manage to twist him round, you don't have control over him,
00:45:38 what are you doing?
00:45:40 I'm going to force him to the mat using the pressure on the wrist lock,
00:45:42 so you're ratcheting it up behind him, trying to force him right down.
00:45:45 Let's say we can go for work on that, yeah, that's technical enough.
00:45:48 It is a seven.
00:45:52 Ah, boom, yeah, he drops down to the mat onto his knee.
00:45:55 "Ooh, I'm a bit core-infused about this one!"
00:45:58 Oh, goodness.
00:46:00 For that, I'm going to stomp on his arm.
00:46:03 Power.
00:46:05 No, real, real, that's real damage.
00:46:07 I'm so happy right now.
00:46:09 I mean, my power, my real and my power are both terrible.
00:46:11 That's a three.
00:46:13 He's groaning and grunting and clearly wincing in this pain.
00:46:16 You've really managed to dominate him for the last couple of spots at least.
00:46:20 But then, yeah, as soon as you switch from technique to power again,
00:46:23 your body just gives in,
00:46:25 and he bursts up with a sort of flourish of strength and knocks you back.
00:46:29 "Ooh, I feel like I'm Burren again!"
00:46:31 - Oh, I did. - Yes!
00:46:34 And then he goes in for one of his famous submission moves.
00:46:40 He goes behind you, wraps his hand around your neck,
00:46:43 and goes in for the sleeper hold.
00:46:45 "Looks like you'll be counting sheep soon!"
00:46:47 Ooh, I'm going to go for--
00:46:49 I'm going to force it down so he actually drops backwards
00:46:52 and attempts to roll through and roll out.
00:46:55 Into a pin.
00:46:57 Yeah, we could see him go for work on this.
00:46:59 - Come on, Tony. - Come on, Tony.
00:47:01 Come on, Tony.
00:47:03 - Yes, Tony! - That's a nine.
00:47:05 Yeah, so just as you start to feel--
00:47:07 It's a really fucking quick sleeper hold.
00:47:09 You pull out this magnificent piece of technical trickery,
00:47:12 and yeah, boom, he's onto the mat, you're on top again.
00:47:15 Cool. I'm going to bring him up,
00:47:18 and I'm going to hook through both of his arms
00:47:21 and do a big suplex from that,
00:47:23 which I call the double udder hook.
00:47:26 Okay, suplex. Ooh, suplex. It feels like a power move to me.
00:47:32 It's not good, is it? Tony's not good at rolling on power.
00:47:37 It's a five. I might do a re-roll.
00:47:40 I think-- Can I argue that it's something to preserve wrestling tradition?
00:47:46 As it's a classical suplex. It is the perfect suplex.
00:47:50 Okay, and as you're attempting to execute the perfect suplex, yes.
00:47:54 - That's good. - Yeah, Tony!
00:47:58 - Come on, Tony. - That's a nine.
00:48:00 Yeah, you groan and struggle and lift, and you execute for a man--
00:48:03 - How old are you? - 55.
00:48:05 Oh, okay. You execute possibly the most beautiful suplex
00:48:09 anyone's seen in the ring in a very long time.
00:48:12 Crash Stretch Armstrong down onto the mat.
00:48:15 Fabulous. I try to stifle a little--
00:48:18 It comes out. It took a lot out of me to do that.
00:48:21 I am feeling the energy of the crowd.
00:48:24 I'm going to hop up on the turnbuckle and try to hype people up for my finish.
00:48:32 Okay, that'll be a look wrong. You're trying to hype people up?
00:48:35 Yep.
00:48:37 - That's seven. - Yes, Tony!
00:48:40 Tony! Tony! Tony!
00:48:43 I'm so into it, the Bavarian milkmaids hand me up two pints,
00:48:47 I inadvisably down them both in the middle of the match.
00:48:51 I'm feeling it probably too much,
00:48:56 so I'm going to go for a move that I used to do in my younger days.
00:49:01 It's called the Milk Float.
00:49:04 It is a superfly splash from the top rope.
00:49:08 I'm going to say roll on the look for that because it's flashy.
00:49:12 - It's not gone well. - It's six.
00:49:15 Okay, so can you walk us through you climbing the rope and leaping,
00:49:19 - and I'll take it from there. - Yep, sure.
00:49:22 I hoist myself. There's a point where I think I've got it.
00:49:26 I've got up to maybe the second turnbuckle.
00:49:29 I'm at the tail ring post, I'm heaving bits of milk,
00:49:32 obviously gathering in the corners of my mouth as I go.
00:49:35 I get up, I daintily turn round, I stand up, there's a wobble.
00:49:39 There's a definite wobble as I get ready for the splash,
00:49:42 and then I leap into the air.
00:49:44 Okay, as you move down towards stretch,
00:49:47 he, with agility surprising for a man his size,
00:49:50 slips underneath you, grabs your upper leg,
00:49:53 so that when you land, you land bang, right in the middle of a Boston crab.
00:49:57 As he starts to pull the pressure and twist and bend your body,
00:50:01 he starts to perform one of his signature moves,
00:50:04 the walking Boston crab known as the furrowed plough,
00:50:07 and just starts dragging you across the ring in this walking Boston crab.
00:50:11 Just trying to get any purchase with my hands on anything on the map.
00:50:16 I guess now it's time for the sustained and brutal weeding.
00:50:20 That's awful.
00:50:24 I'm going to come down to the ring with a white towel.
00:50:27 [GASPS]
00:50:29 I'm just going to slowly walk down.
00:50:32 I've got the white towel.
00:50:34 I haven't done anything with it yet, but I'm just by the ring.
00:50:38 It's been like, "Come on, Tony. Come on, Tony. Put that towel down, lad."
00:50:43 I'm going to try to roll myself back under, so out of the Boston crab,
00:50:49 and then grab his legs and try to put the manoeuvre on him.
00:50:52 Roll and work.
00:50:54 Not Tony.
00:50:56 Tony!
00:50:58 You do it beautifully. You slip through again.
00:51:00 You seem to be able to channel a much younger Tony from time to time.
00:51:03 Here's another one of those moments, all of a sudden,
00:51:05 before he even realises his stretch, he's in a Boston crab himself, wincing.
00:51:10 [GROANS]
00:51:12 "I've run out of farm puns!"
00:51:16 [LAUGHTER]
00:51:18 - It's farmageddon. - I'm going to try it.
00:51:20 Perfect. Let's edit this so it looks like I came up with them in the spot.
00:51:24 "Ooh, looks like it's farmageddon for stretch!"
00:51:28 [CHEERING]
00:51:30 How did you come up with that?
00:51:32 - That's so amazing. - Honestly, I thought I'd run out.
00:51:34 [GROANS]
00:51:36 That's amazing.
00:51:38 I want to transition from that Boston crab into a submission move
00:51:42 that I used as a signature for a while, the full churn.
00:51:46 It's a half crab, and I'm just going to start to yank it around.
00:51:50 OK. You can roll on work again for this too.
00:51:53 - It is a nine. - Yes!
00:51:57 - Yay! - Yes, Tony!
00:51:59 As you go around and around and around, you see this look of bucolic joy
00:52:04 that is normally constantly across the happy face of Stretch
00:52:08 start to change into worry, and then pain, and then agony.
00:52:12 And with every churn, this face gets redder and more contorted.
00:52:16 And eventually, after maybe a full-on minute of you pushing and pushing,
00:52:21 as you feel your own muscles squeak and pop, you feel something go in your arm.
00:52:26 You feel something go in your knee. You feel something go in your back.
00:52:30 Blood starts to trickle out of your nose and out the corner of your ear.
00:52:34 Milk seems to leak from places where milk should never leak from.
00:52:37 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!
00:52:39 Stretch pounds the mat and submits.
00:52:42 Your winner, the Milk Man!
00:52:48 - Yay! - You're kidding me!
00:52:50 - Beautiful bastards! - Woo!
00:52:52 I enter the ring and try and clean up the blood with the white towel.
00:52:58 Don't you ever bring a towel to my ring again.
00:53:02 I roll out the ring and I head to the back.
00:53:07 Is there anything you want to say, or are you done?
00:53:10 [LAUGHTER]
00:53:14 I told you at the beginning of this match that I was here to stay.
00:53:19 They'd have to drag me out of this ring,
00:53:23 'cause I am Tony the Milkman, and come rain or shine,
00:53:27 I always deliver.
00:53:30 - Yay! - The audience lose their shit.
00:53:34 Milk Man! Milk Man! Milk Man! Milk Man! Milk Man! Milk Man!
00:53:39 OK, the ring clears once more.
00:53:42 It clears of performers and blood and milk and more.
00:53:47 And we now move to our final match of the night.
00:53:53 But I think just before we do,
00:54:00 Kid, is there anything significant or interesting...
00:54:04 That's him to me. Anything significant Kid is doing before we move to this match,
00:54:08 having just run off?
00:54:10 He's at the top of the ramp and he just hears his mentor say this.
00:54:15 He knows that there's nothing he can do to stop the Milkman.
00:54:19 And as the crowd is going wild and as everyone is cheering,
00:54:24 he's the only one in the building that's not doing it.
00:54:27 And he just does a really sad kickflip,
00:54:30 and then he just leaves, shaking his head.
00:54:34 Almost slow motion.
00:54:37 Ding, ding, ding! The following contest is a ladder match
00:54:42 for guaranteed entry into the Regal Wrangle.
00:54:46 The only way to win is to climb the ladder and retrieve the contract.
00:54:53 Now, making her way to the ring, hailing from Whipford, Reading,
00:54:58 Denimatrix!
00:55:02 Just backlit, it's just a silhouette of badassery.
00:55:06 I've got really high heel stilettos on to the point where it's just ridiculous.
00:55:12 I'm standing with my hands on my hips and it's just powerful.
00:55:16 And smoke floods and my denim minions are just crawling around me.
00:55:22 I raise my feet to my hands, not like I'm bloating, but what I'm trying.
00:55:29 And I snap off my stilettos and I walk down into the ring
00:55:33 and I use the stiletto heels as horns.
00:55:40 So now, just stab them into my skull. Why not?
00:55:44 And I use my now really quite sturdy minions that are just my dummy mechanical jeans
00:55:53 that have made themselves into a lovely stepping step step step.
00:55:57 And I climb them and just lovely somersault into the ring
00:56:01 so I'm powerful with slightly bloody horns.
00:56:06 Yeah!
00:56:09 Can I have the mic?
00:56:11 Oh, I've got the mic!
00:56:15 I don't know why that was so funny, denim puns.
00:56:18 I bet you're all fab-breaking it.
00:56:24 Oh no.
00:56:26 Just say farm again.
00:56:33 I can feel it in my fibres, this is going to be an ultimate match of doom and glory.
00:56:38 I don't care who is facing me, but they better be damn scared.
00:56:48 Excellent.
00:56:49 The sound of denim being stitched.
00:56:55 Death know.
00:56:56 That doesn't work.
00:57:01 Making her way to the ring, hailing from ancient Greece, Chester, Socrates!
00:57:15 Serene synthetic music pipes in from the speakers
00:57:21 and a gentle, sweet-smelling, fragrant mist
00:57:26 spreads out down the ramp and leaks in from the stands.
00:57:31 Stepping out on top of the ramp, a small, five-foot-two brunette woman
00:57:38 playing a tiny golden harp, songbirds circling around her.
00:57:45 A look of pure peace and wisdom on her face.
00:57:50 It's Socrates.
00:57:52 As she makes her way down and gestures towards the audience,
00:57:56 gusts of petals blow out and the blood-crazed, blood-thirsty CBW audience relax
00:58:06 and smile and sit down in their seats
00:58:11 as if some great and wondrous truth of the universe has been washed over them.
00:58:17 She steps around at the steel steps, walks up into the ring,
00:58:23 looks around at the audience, looks at you,
00:58:32 smiles, peacefully dips her head
00:58:42 and her breath smells like roses and knowledge and love.
00:58:48 Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina.
00:58:58 I have a really bad feeling for Tina though.
00:59:00 We'll start with Denimatrix in control. Ding, ding, ding!
00:59:05 Just run towards her, grab the back of her neck and try and put her into all fours in front of the ladder
00:59:13 and try and eat her as the first step.
00:59:16 Amazing. That's clever.
00:59:19 Let's go for a look on that. That's clever.
00:59:26 Yeah, seven.
00:59:29 Seven.
00:59:30 Yeah, that's how I get.
00:59:32 You easily manage to manoeuvre her onto all fours, you climb on top of her back,
00:59:37 she seems to wince slightly at the pain of your shoes
00:59:41 and you're now trying to reach for the contract from the back of Socrates.
00:59:46 Unfortunately, Socrates is five foot two and currently basically throwing up
00:59:51 so you've gained about maybe seven inches in height.
00:59:55 But with those stilettos.
00:59:57 I snapped them off.
00:59:58 They're in her head.
00:59:59 They're in my scalp. I panicked and I put them there.
01:00:02 Because you now lost your, it's a net gain of zero.
01:00:07 Great, cool. But I made it look good. Yeah? Cool. That's fine.
01:00:12 It looked interesting. It was very clever.
01:00:16 I think everyone in the audience who right now are not the salivating dogs that they were before Socrates entered
01:00:23 appreciated your creative, almost intellectual approach.
01:00:27 That was really clever.
01:00:30 But at that point I noticed that the stiletto really annoys me and it makes me really unhappy.
01:00:36 So I bring up all my weight and jump as high as I can to slam back down feet first on top of that.
01:00:43 Rule of power.
01:00:45 Power's not my friend.
01:00:47 Tell Tony about it.
01:00:49 Eight.
01:00:50 Power is your friend.
01:00:53 You lift up and you boom, straight down on her back.
01:00:56 How?
01:00:58 She says.
01:01:00 Starting to ride around on the floor a bit.
01:01:02 She's brought her arm back to hold a part of her back which you stood on.
01:01:05 And you're still in control for now.
01:01:06 I'm going to bring my arm around my neck and put her in a sleeper and just see if she passes out.
01:01:10 Because I'd like to watch the life drain from her eyes.
01:01:13 Roll on cloud for that.
01:01:19 So that's an eight.
01:01:20 That's an eight.
01:01:21 Okay.
01:01:22 It's a murder.
01:01:24 You get your arm around her in a sleeper hold.
01:01:28 You see this sort of serene look on her face slowly fade to become a look of serenity.
01:01:33 She's pissing me off even now.
01:01:36 And she passes out with the softest smile on her face and right now she is unconscious.
01:01:40 Since she's having a snooze I'll just go in for a pin.
01:01:45 It's not a pin, it's a lock.
01:01:47 You know what? Can and now go in for that pin.
01:01:49 Can I?
01:01:50 It won't do anything.
01:01:51 Put the leg, put the leg.
01:01:53 No, I don't want to go for the pin.
01:01:54 She's snoozing so I'm just going to make my way up the ladder of doom and glory.
01:01:59 Okay, make a straight roll on that.
01:02:01 Just straight to your six.
01:02:02 Eight.
01:02:05 Nice.
01:02:06 So, yeah, you make your way up the ladder.
01:02:08 One step, two step, three step, four step, five step.
01:02:11 You get just to the top, just within an arm's width of the contract
01:02:17 and then you feel the ladder start to buckle underneath you.
01:02:20 For Pete's sake.
01:02:21 And flumph, drops under the side.
01:02:23 And Socrates is standing there looking at you with a relaxed look on her face going,
01:02:29 "I think therefore I slam."
01:02:32 I hate how good that is.
01:02:36 And then goes in for an elbow drop on you.
01:02:38 Roll on work to try and roll out of the way.
01:02:41 Seven.
01:02:45 Six.
01:02:46 Thank you, being quick for that one.
01:02:48 Six.
01:02:49 Okay.
01:02:50 Can you just be my number?
01:02:51 I'll be your number.
01:02:52 To be is to be perceived.
01:02:54 Now perceive this.
01:02:55 And the elbow drop connects, boom, like straight on the top of your chest,
01:02:59 just on the bridge of your neck.
01:03:01 She gets to her feet.
01:03:05 Just starts to get the circulation back into her body after that intense sleeper hold he put in there.
01:03:09 She who thinks great thoughts often makes great terrors.
01:03:16 And goes in for a second elbow drop.
01:03:17 It's fucking psychotic.
01:03:19 And goes in for a second elbow drop, roll on work again.
01:03:21 Okay, come on.
01:03:22 Come on, Denim.
01:03:23 That's a three.
01:03:24 Boom, crack.
01:03:26 Once again, like connect straight with your collarbone.
01:03:29 She gets up once more onto her feet, looks up at the ladder, looks down at you.
01:03:35 Hmm.
01:03:37 Liberty consists in doing one's desires.
01:03:41 And I desire to kick your butt.
01:03:44 And goes in for a leg drop.
01:03:47 Roll on work again.
01:03:48 She said butt, she can't even say ass.
01:03:52 Oh, Denim.
01:03:55 Oh, Denim.
01:03:57 Stop letting her win.
01:03:59 Again, she's completely, seems completely unemotionally moved by this.
01:04:03 Feels very satisfied that she's got some decent hits on you and starts to make her way towards the ladder.
01:04:07 Climbs up one step, two step, three step, four step, five, six, makes her way to the top.
01:04:14 Is about to reach for the contract when...
01:04:19 Oh.
01:04:21 You discover more about a man in an hour of pain than a lifetime of conversation.
01:04:27 And goes in for another elbow drop straight.
01:04:30 Oh.
01:04:33 Oh, I'm going to go on work again.
01:04:36 Come on, Denim.
01:04:38 That's a seven.
01:04:41 Seven.
01:04:43 It rolled out of the way.
01:04:44 It rolled out of the way.
01:04:45 What are you doing?
01:04:46 I, oh gosh, I'm so bamboozled.
01:04:49 I rolled out of the way and I just clamber straight up onto the turnbuckle, get to the top and go for a full flying splash.
01:04:58 Go for it. So you can roll on...
01:05:01 Look will work for that.
01:05:04 Okay.
01:05:05 Can I say full flying splash for the intent to break her spine to get rid of it?
01:05:10 Sure.
01:05:12 Thanks.
01:05:14 Yeah.
01:05:17 Yeah, talk us through your splash.
01:05:19 So I get to the top and I just, first of all, I rip off my pockets because I just want to show more flesh at that point.
01:05:27 I'm so angry.
01:05:28 I unzip my arms so that my arms are more free and I just launch myself full.
01:05:35 And actually, do you know what I can do?
01:05:36 I can do like a like three 360s in that time.
01:05:39 Like a disc of doom and death.
01:05:44 And then I, which someone would call it, Dem winning.
01:05:49 Let's let that sit for a while.
01:05:53 Okay.
01:05:55 We're powering through.
01:05:57 Top of Socrates puns.
01:06:00 We'll always have Dem winning.
01:06:08 Yeah.
01:06:09 And I land on her and she goes, I would say face first and from there I crack onto her spine using my full 200 pounds.
01:06:19 There is a shriek of pain from Socrates.
01:06:21 Thank God she's making some noise.
01:06:24 Yeah, there is an audible crack which is heard throughout the Chester Coliseum, the famous Chester Coliseum.
01:06:31 And she's currently down for the count.
01:06:33 Free to climb the ladder.
01:06:34 I run up that ladder.
01:06:36 I'm not doing this one step, two step.
01:06:38 I am scurrying up that ladder and I almost launch myself up the last step to try and grab the contract.
01:06:44 Okay.
01:06:45 That's going to be a straight 2D6 roll.
01:06:47 Dem, Dem, Dem.
01:06:55 Dem winning.
01:06:57 Sorry, I was so excited I hit my funny bone.
01:07:03 Yeah, you sprint up the ladder like it's a leap from maybe four rungs from the top.
01:07:09 You just leap into the air and it looks for a moment like you're just going to be a hairs width away from that contract.
01:07:15 And then snap, you grab it in your hand.
01:07:18 Your winner, Demi Matrix.
01:07:28 You Dem won.
01:07:33 Oh, I didn't know I could run up a gentleman's bit.
01:07:37 Socrates then gets to her feet.
01:07:39 Can she?
01:07:40 Yeah.
01:07:41 I'm so sorry.
01:07:46 Looks up at you, smiles and says, pain is the measure of all things.
01:07:56 And almost just seems to dissipate into betas and petals.
01:08:03 Almost.
01:08:05 Just leave.
01:08:07 You are left alone in the room with a mic.
01:08:09 You've got the entrance into the rumble.
01:08:11 Wrangle, please.
01:08:12 Oh, crap.
01:08:15 You've got your jaw back, your entrance into the wrangle.
01:08:19 Now grab the mork.
01:08:22 We're safe now, right?
01:08:23 We're clear.
01:08:27 That was emotional.
01:08:28 I'm so proud.
01:08:29 And I will see you at yoga next Tuesday, babe.
01:08:32 Your scarf.
01:08:37 I am so proud and I've got my job back.
01:08:39 And I am...
01:08:42 Dem won.
01:08:44 Dem won.
01:08:50 T-shirt is flying off the shelves.
01:08:53 I am so proud.
01:08:54 I am amazed.
01:08:55 I am not afraid.
01:08:57 I'm going to be going forth into the...
01:08:59 You've got it.
01:09:02 Into the wrangle.
01:09:04 Zip first.
01:09:08 Zip first flies down.
01:09:12 Zip first flies down.
01:09:13 Zip first flies down.
01:09:15 Zip first flies down.
01:09:18 And I will win.
01:09:20 There is no doubt.
01:09:24 Oh, insane.
01:09:28 You all know who this is.
01:09:29 You all know what he looks like.
01:09:31 It's QC, the voice of management.
01:09:33 And with several swift strides, he is down that ramp and in the ring.
01:09:38 Hi.
01:09:42 Fair is fair.
01:09:45 The matrix.
01:09:47 You won yourself entrance in the wrangle.
01:09:53 And thus a chance at winning a championship title match.
01:10:01 There's just one small catch I may be neglected to mention.
01:10:09 You'll be entering this year's regal wrangle.
01:10:15 At number one.
01:10:17 Oh.
01:10:20 That was hard.
01:10:23 And we leave the stage.
01:10:25 However, one last scene before this episode is over.
01:10:32 After a particularly gruelling, violent and physically taxing match,
01:10:40 a lot of terrible things have happened to the milkman's body.
01:10:43 And we now join the milkman lying in a hospital bed,
01:10:48 attended to by CBW's two resident medical staff,
01:10:52 bitch doctor and fight nurse.
01:10:56 Bitch doctor is a tall blonde woman in a lab coat and glasses
01:11:00 with a clipboard and a pen and a stethoscope.
01:11:03 Fight nurse is about maybe seven and a half feet tall,
01:11:07 about maybe four feet wide of muscle.
01:11:09 He almost looks like he's been stitched together by parts of other wrestlers.
01:11:13 He's got a very small white apron with a Red Cross plus on it
01:11:17 and a little nurse's hat.
01:11:19 He just stands there staring into nothing.
01:11:21 I've only just realised that it's a play on witch doctor.
01:11:23 I thought you were just being a bastard.
01:11:26 I was worried about bitch doctor.
01:11:28 Does it come across as mean? Will people not get the pun?
01:11:31 Apparently, yes and yes.
01:11:33 It took me a while.
01:11:35 She's looking very concerned at her chart
01:11:39 and is just about to put her hand on your shoulder and give you some news.
01:11:45 When it enters, I slowly board over to the bed.
01:11:52 I place one hand on yours.
01:11:59 You're not comfortable with it.
01:12:01 No.
01:12:02 But you're not really physically strong enough to stop me.
01:12:05 I say, "It's alright. I'm here."
01:12:11 It's nice to meet you.
01:12:14 Get off me now.
01:12:16 I look at him and say,
01:12:21 "If you're going to do it, I'll be behind you to the end."
01:12:28 I can't not do it, lad.
01:12:31 It's in my blood.
01:12:33 My blood's milk. It's in my milk.
01:12:36 It's this bag here. It's full of milk.
01:12:38 I can see that. I can see that.
01:12:40 I said, "No saline. Just give me the milk."
01:12:42 Ooh. God's own. God's own juices.
01:12:46 Aye. It's okay.
01:12:48 Look.
01:12:50 I just...
01:12:54 There's someone...
01:12:56 It feels like we may be on borrowed time, so...
01:13:00 There's someone I want to reintroduce you to.
01:13:03 And I gesture to the front door
01:13:06 and a 57-year-old woman with a handbag walks in
01:13:13 and she says,
01:13:16 "Aye, that's him."
01:13:20 I remember this order. I remember this round.
01:13:26 I'm very sorry. It's family only.
01:13:30 These are family.
01:13:34 Oh, thank you.
01:13:36 And I go in for a hug
01:13:40 and I feel bones just give way.
01:13:44 Oh, sorry.
01:13:46 Psych.
01:13:48 And just a single tear of milk drips down my face.
01:13:55 In which case, if you are all family,
01:13:58 it's probably just as well you're all here.
01:14:03 Fight nurse, my charts, please.
01:14:06 Just hands over a pile of paperwork stained in bits.
01:14:14 Milkman.
01:14:18 Tony.
01:14:20 Other way around.
01:14:22 Tony.
01:14:26 Milkman.
01:14:28 That's much better.
01:14:31 We all appreciate what you've done for the company over the years
01:14:36 and I personally have a huge amount of respect for your drive
01:14:43 and determination in the face of the insurmountable odds of human aging.
01:14:49 However,
01:14:53 according to the results of all the tests I've ordered,
01:14:57 one thing is very clear.
01:15:00 If you try to wrestle again,
01:15:04 you might very well die.
01:15:09 That's all for this week's episode of City British Wrestling's Sunday Night Lightning.
01:15:18 We'll see you next week.
01:15:20 We'll see you next week.
01:15:22 We'll see you next week.
01:15:24 Anyway, something.
01:15:26 I'm just going to leave that.
01:15:28 I'm just going to leave that.
01:15:30 Thanks, Tom.
01:15:31 That's it for this week's episode of No Roles Barred.
01:15:34 Really hope you enjoyed it.
01:15:36 Check out the next episode this time next week here on Parts of Unknown.
01:15:40 In the meantime, if you would like to get even more involved in the CBW universe,
01:15:45 check out No Roles Barred's Patreon.
01:15:47 The link is in the description below
01:15:49 and there are all sorts of fantastic ways you can get more from the series.
01:15:52 There are behind the scenes footage,
01:15:54 there's production podcasts,
01:15:56 with myself and Tom,
01:15:58 live streams with me,
01:15:59 and you can even create your very own CBW wrestler
01:16:02 which will be put in the show.
01:16:04 And if you can't wait until next Sunday,
01:16:06 there's even 48-hour early access.
01:16:09 So what are you waiting for?
01:16:10 Head to our Patreon and check out the rest of the amazing content here on Parts of Unknown.