It's the last week before the Tussle.
Matches are made, bonds are tested, and Management makes their final play.
*Relevant video*
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#partsfunknown #wrestling #
Every week, follow the exploits of Oli, Laurie, Luke, Adam and Lolo as they roleplay wrestlers in the fictional world of City British Wrestling, as ever hosted by Tom, CBW's Head of Creative.
CBW uses a system based on World Wide Wrestling, designed by Nathan D. Paoletta. To experience the full game, check it out at https://ndpdesign.com/ and you can back the 2nd Edition of WWW, here: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ndpaoletta/world-wide-wrestling-second-edition/description
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QuizzleMania: A Wrestling Comedy Quiz Show! On Apple Podcast:
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City British Wrestling: The Official Podcast Feed on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/episode/6RfWW29m4sk070YC03Kx5y
About PartsFunknown
How Adam Would Book, No Rolls Barred, Explained. PFK makes wrestling EXTRA FUN.
For brand partnerships, contact: dominic@playbookmedia.co.uk
Matches are made, bonds are tested, and Management makes their final play.
*Relevant video*
For exclusive Early Access to the next episode check out our Patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/partsFUNknown
Subscribe: https://bit.ly/2J2Hl6q | Make sure to enable ALL push notifications!
Watch More PartFUNknown: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLvCO_flsEnKylfKTab7Q92RDBN-fOz0m
#partsfunknown #wrestling #
Every week, follow the exploits of Oli, Laurie, Luke, Adam and Lolo as they roleplay wrestlers in the fictional world of City British Wrestling, as ever hosted by Tom, CBW's Head of Creative.
CBW uses a system based on World Wide Wrestling, designed by Nathan D. Paoletta. To experience the full game, check it out at https://ndpdesign.com/ and you can back the 2nd Edition of WWW, here: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ndpaoletta/world-wide-wrestling-second-edition/description
Follow PartsFUNknown
TWITTER: https://twitter.com/partsFUNknown
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/partsFUNknown
QuizzleMania: A Wrestling Comedy Quiz Show! On Apple Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/quizzlemania-a-wrestling-comedy-quiz-show/id1482419385
City British Wrestling: The Official Podcast Feed on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/episode/6RfWW29m4sk070YC03Kx5y
About PartsFunknown
How Adam Would Book, No Rolls Barred, Explained. PFK makes wrestling EXTRA FUN.
For brand partnerships, contact: dominic@playbookmedia.co.uk
Category
🦄
CreativityTranscript
00:00:00 Hello, I'm Adam, hailing from partsFUNknown, and welcome to the fourth episode of No Rolls
00:00:06 Barred, our wrestling RPG series.
00:00:10 Like always, this system is based off an original game designed by Nathan D. Powerletter, so
00:00:14 if you want to see the whole experience, perhaps pick up a copy for yourself, check out the
00:00:18 link to his website in the description below.
00:00:21 If you need a recap of the rules, check out episode one, I run through all that stuff
00:00:25 in the beginning, because this is our go-home episode for the Colossal Tussle, and bad things
00:00:33 are about to happen.
00:00:37 Hello and welcome to City British Wrestling, forward rolls and sausage rolls.
00:00:43 My name is Tom, head of creative at CBW, and this is our cast.
00:00:47 Hello, I'm Laurie, I'm playing Tony the Milkman, and I'm the veteran character, and I'll probably
00:00:51 die this episode.
00:00:52 I'm Ollie, I play Golden Joe.
00:00:58 Joe!
00:00:59 Joe!
00:01:00 Joe!
00:01:01 Joe!
00:01:02 Joe!
00:01:03 Bro.
00:01:04 Bro.
00:01:05 And I'm the golden boy.
00:01:06 I'm Luke, I'm the brother of Golden Joe, Silver Bro.
00:01:11 Bro!
00:01:12 Bro!
00:01:13 Bro!
00:01:14 Bro!
00:01:15 Joe!
00:01:16 Joe!
00:01:17 Joe!
00:01:18 And I'm the gatekeeper.
00:01:19 My name's Lolo, I play the Demonatrix, and I am the anti-hero.
00:01:23 I'm Adam, I am Kid Flips, and I am the high flyer.
00:01:28 Right, let's do a fight.
00:01:31 We find ourselves once again in a City British Wrestling arena.
00:01:34 This time, City British Wrestling have come to a large industrial warehouse.
00:01:39 The lighting is mostly done by harsh, grimy fluorescents hanging overhead.
00:01:42 There is a layer of dust and dirt and muck across everything, even the audience themselves.
00:01:48 Eurgh.
00:01:49 No Joe bodies.
00:01:50 You're falling apart.
00:01:51 This is why you don't Daniel Day-Lewis a character.
00:01:52 He's in my head.
00:02:06 His voice crackling over the dirty ancient speakers, you hear the announcer say, "Welcome
00:02:10 to City British Wrestling, and welcome to Sunday Night Lightning."
00:02:16 Yeah!
00:02:18 C-B-D!
00:02:20 C-B-D!
00:02:22 Prepare yourselves as these apron aggressors clash inside and outside the ropes in the
00:02:29 name of triumph, trial, and tragedy.
00:02:33 Oooh.
00:02:34 Let's waste no more time and get on with tonight's entertainment.
00:02:40 And we cut not to the ring this time, but first we cut backstage to the locker room
00:02:45 to a newly victorious Denimatrix.
00:02:49 Boo.
00:02:50 Sitting on her own in a locker room, having just won the Regal Wrangle, and with it, a
00:02:58 title championship match.
00:03:01 And as the door opens, in steps a tall, Adonis-like man of the courts.
00:03:07 Yay!
00:03:08 QC.
00:03:09 QC.
00:03:10 Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
00:03:11 My long lost mother.
00:03:12 He has a slight limp that seems to come not so much from a leg, but from... no, wait a
00:03:24 minute.
00:03:25 He's walking funny.
00:03:26 I am misremembering episode two where he got a smack on the bottom.
00:03:31 That's two weeks ago.
00:03:32 I think he's remembering something from the last one.
00:03:35 It's a bone attack.
00:03:36 Let's rec on that, just like...
00:03:39 I can go with wet with anticipation, but we definitely do not show it to anybody.
00:03:44 Right, guys?
00:03:45 Right.
00:03:46 Cool, I'm really reassured.
00:03:47 In steps QC.
00:03:49 He's once again wearing his silk barristers rope and his powdered wig.
00:03:53 His trousers are immaculately pressed.
00:03:55 His wingtip shoes shine on his feet.
00:03:58 And he greets you in his own inimitable way.
00:04:01 Well, well, well, Denimatrix.
00:04:07 Congratulations on your successful victory against all the odds.
00:04:12 And there were a lot of them.
00:04:13 Yeah, you tried to fire me.
00:04:14 In this year's Regal Wrangle.
00:04:15 Well, I think you were fairly successfully fired.
00:04:16 You managed to make your way back in.
00:04:21 I just wanted to give you a wholehearted and sincere congratulations.
00:04:27 You have stood up for the outcasts and the weirdos and the freaks out there and shown
00:04:33 that, yes, they can achieve great acclaim and great wrestling victory in the ring.
00:04:40 The squared circle is a place for everybody.
00:04:42 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:04:45 Why don't you just leave it at that, eh?
00:04:48 Boo!
00:04:49 Boo!
00:04:50 Boo, C.
00:04:51 Boo!
00:04:52 I love the way that you say, watch all the freaks and the weirdos as if they're separate.
00:05:01 Like yourself.
00:05:02 As if they were separate from you, Sweepy.
00:05:05 I think you'll find they are.
00:05:07 No, you're the freakiest of them all.
00:05:10 We all know that, don't we, darling?
00:05:12 A Ronan look for me.
00:05:14 That's about your hands.
00:05:17 That's a seven.
00:05:19 He almost seems to be about to fan himself with his gavel when he composes himself.
00:05:25 I'll have you know I am a member of a fine, upstanding tradition.
00:05:30 Both within the ring and within the courts, there is nothing freaky about QC.
00:05:36 No, all I'm saying is that we have something in common.
00:05:39 We both like rules.
00:05:41 Well, maybe you and I aren't that different after all.
00:05:49 And with that excellent and most salient point in mind,
00:05:53 I, out of the goodness of my barrister's heart, am offering you an out.
00:06:00 We will of course celebrate your victory at the Wrangle.
00:06:06 We will celebrate the fact that such a tremendous denim warrior is part of our roster.
00:06:14 We will make sure that you are booked for exciting and heat-filled contests.
00:06:21 But we would of course ask that you forget about this silly nonsense of a championship title match.
00:06:28 Oh, fuck off.
00:06:35 You could be a popular name in this company.
00:06:40 Not everything is about the gold.
00:06:43 I'm not here to be your poster girl.
00:06:45 I will never be your poster girl.
00:06:47 I'm here to make sure everyone knows that they should be afraid of me.
00:06:51 Including you.
00:06:53 QC isn't afraid of anybody.
00:06:58 Are you absolutely sure?
00:07:01 I hope you're absolutely certain you don't want to take this offer?
00:07:12 No, I don't want to take this offer.
00:07:17 You seem almost genuinely sad for a moment.
00:07:20 Well, well, well.
00:07:24 Then I suppose my hands are tied.
00:07:27 QC?
00:07:34 Oh QC, you know me so well.
00:07:36 Why would you offer me such a horrendous offer?
00:07:41 Well, it doesn't matter, does it?
00:07:44 You've declined it.
00:07:47 Right.
00:07:49 I guess we'll see you in the ring later on today for your regularly appointed match.
00:07:55 And he flounces out with a swoosh of his silks.
00:07:59 Oh god.
00:08:00 Bye.
00:08:01 And we are back in the main stage in front of the main ring.
00:08:12 The following contest is scheduled for one fall.
00:08:17 One fall!
00:08:19 Making his way to the stage, hailing from Puddington, Yorkshire, Kid Flips!
00:08:27 Kid Flips! Kid Flips! Kid Flips! Kid Flips! Kid Flips!
00:08:33 Um, there's no special effects.
00:08:39 The stage is bare.
00:08:41 Out walks Kid Flips.
00:08:44 He walks down the ramp.
00:08:46 He kind of absentmindedly puts a hand out and kind of touches people's hands.
00:08:51 He's not on a skateboard. He doesn't have a skateboard.
00:08:55 His cap is the right way round.
00:08:59 Oh wow.
00:09:00 And he walks up the steel ring steps and just climbs through the ropes.
00:09:08 And sits in the corner and waits for his opponent.
00:09:19 Hailing from Little Glittering Reading, Silver Bro!
00:09:30 Joe just appears on the titantron.
00:09:34 As I walk out, wearing my Golden Joe merchandise,
00:09:39 I stand there and I look to the crowds and then lead them in.
00:09:43 Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
00:09:52 Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
00:10:07 He gets to the ring and I'm trying to stop the crowd from doing this.
00:10:13 Joe! Bro! Joe! Bro! Joe! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!
00:10:28 That better work.
00:10:31 You two have a brief moment here squaring off from the ring.
00:10:34 Anything you want to say to each other?
00:10:37 I offer a hand.
00:10:40 Sorry about your dad, mate.
00:10:42 Take care of your family before they're gone.
00:10:45 So important.
00:10:47 And on the note of family, making his way to the ring,
00:10:52 hailing from Little Glittering Reading, your special guest referee, Golden Joe!
00:11:06 It's a ridiculously long entrance for a special guest referee.
00:11:09 It starts backstage and there's just some kids with candles.
00:11:13 And they all start doing a little Joe.
00:11:17 Joe!
00:11:19 Like Goldberg.
00:11:20 Joe! Joe!
00:11:23 And then you hear a headbutt behind the locker room and I walk out.
00:11:28 I've got my Joe glasses on, I've got Joe cake, and I just start walking around backstage stretching up.
00:11:34 There are referee stripes on the glasses and on the jacket, which I will wear throughout the entire match.
00:11:41 And we walk down. It's a long, actually really complex backstage thing,
00:11:46 where there's multiple different scenes through my life that we walk through.
00:11:50 And then we walk out onto the main stage.
00:11:53 Big Joe reaction.
00:11:56 Joe! Joe! Joe!
00:12:01 Yeah, I might have lost last week, but I'm really, really back on top again,
00:12:06 because Joe is always golden.
00:12:09 Yeah!
00:12:10 Then I walk down, high-fiving people, get up, you know, look at my brother, you know,
00:12:14 and I get up onto the top turnbuckle.
00:12:17 Joe! Joe!
00:12:19 Whole crowd are doing a sea of Joes.
00:12:22 And I hop off and I'm like, whoa!
00:12:26 Do you want to take the mic for a second?
00:12:29 Yeah, sure. I'd just like to say, colossal tussle.
00:12:35 Everyone, me and my brother, Silver Joe, Silver Crow,
00:12:39 are going to go for the CBW Tag Team titles against those dastardly pylon engirder.
00:12:50 Constructor bombs.
00:12:51 The constructor bombs. Yeah.
00:12:53 And we're going to bomb them.
00:12:55 Yeah!
00:12:56 We're going to bomb them so hard into the ground.
00:12:58 That's right.
00:12:59 Because everything can be destroyed by gold.
00:13:02 Yes.
00:13:03 Gold famously solid and doesn't have no give.
00:13:07 And, you know, just like you bite into it and your teeth will shatter, famously.
00:13:12 Gold is going to rule supreme.
00:13:14 Yes.
00:13:15 And gold is coming home, brother.
00:13:17 It's coming home, man.
00:13:18 To me and you.
00:13:20 We're going to be draped in gold. Tag gold.
00:13:23 Yeah.
00:13:24 Yeah.
00:13:25 It's like a book of mormon.
00:13:28 And with that, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, the first action goes to whoever gets there first.
00:13:34 Headlock.
00:13:37 Classic headlock, and then I'm going to throw you into the ropes,
00:13:40 and the crowd goes, "Ohhh!"
00:13:43 As you come back for a shoulder block!
00:13:46 You've got your +2 back again.
00:13:47 Yes!
00:13:48 Roll on power.
00:13:49 Yeah!
00:13:50 Boom!
00:13:51 And Kid Flips is knocked to the mat.
00:13:53 My hat falls off my head, and I'm just looking at the back, and I just am completely dazed.
00:14:00 I'm not in this yet. I'm not in this yet.
00:14:03 I'm so-- I'm conflicted because, I mean, let's do a fight, but it's--
00:14:09 I don't want to hurt the lads.
00:14:12 So how is Kid Flips going to potentially take advantage of the reticence we see in Silverbro?
00:14:18 Such a good-hearted man.
00:14:20 Why's Dad dying, man?
00:14:21 I get to my feet, I take my hat, and I throw it out of the ring.
00:14:30 I say, "All right, then. Come on. Come on."
00:14:38 And I just-- I kind of offer myself to lock up.
00:14:43 And I'll lock up with you, and again, just try and throw you against the rope.
00:14:48 Oh!
00:14:51 Shoulder block!
00:14:53 Battery 12!
00:14:58 Just like last time, almost identically, back on the mat again. Boom.
00:15:02 Of course, you're in the ring. You can-- if you want to talk up, speak up, or do something, let us know.
00:15:08 Bro, I'm going to call this down the middle.
00:15:10 Of course, I'm going to be totally fair. Rules, rules, rules.
00:15:13 Not going to do fast counts or anything, or show any favouritism.
00:15:16 But just a little bit of advice. You looked a bit conflicted there.
00:15:19 You can't come second all your life. You've got to win one of them.
00:15:23 Whoa!
00:15:25 I'm just a juicer.
00:15:27 Hearing that advice, I know he's--
00:15:30 Great advice.
00:15:31 It's just such great advice. I go in for the pin.
00:15:35 Okay.
00:15:37 What do I need to roll?
00:15:38 Just a straight 2d6.
00:15:41 Success!
00:15:44 Whoa!
00:15:46 It's a natural 12.
00:15:47 Critical success.
00:15:49 These weighted dice.
00:15:52 Weighted for power.
00:15:55 I'm not the ref in this one.
00:15:59 I-- after giving that advice, I actually turned to the crowd and started to get a Joe chart going.
00:16:06 And I noticed someone with 8x10 of me.
00:16:10 Sorry, I actually missed this. I'm signing the 8x10.
00:16:14 So you sweep in. Talk us through what your pin looks like.
00:16:18 It's just a standard pin. I just rolled him up dead tight.
00:16:22 Lock the fingers and everything so it's dead tight.
00:16:24 But then seeing that he's distracted, I sort of--
00:16:27 I can't get this one out.
00:16:29 I get the pin and I just sort of walk over and I'm like,
00:16:31 "Joe, Joe, Joe, I got the pin!"
00:16:34 I'm now super distracted by it.
00:16:36 I'm going to roll him out.
00:16:38 Sure. What exactly are you going to try and do at this point?
00:16:40 You currently have the leg up there.
00:16:42 I turn over-- so he's left me.
00:16:46 I've walked over, so I'm over the ropes now.
00:16:49 Sort of like talking to my bro.
00:16:51 So I'm going to just come to.
00:16:54 I see my opponent. Let's do a fight, I guess.
00:16:57 And I'm like, "Yeah, let's go in for a pin."
00:16:59 And I kind of almost half-heartedly pull him over for a schoolboy.
00:17:04 OK, I just have you roll on a straight 2d6 for this.
00:17:09 What's happening?
00:17:13 That's an 11!
00:17:15 I can't count this one.
00:17:20 I'm going to slide in, because bro got my attention back.
00:17:24 Slide in.
00:17:25 One.
00:17:31 I haven't counted yet, so this is the normal cadence.
00:17:34 Two.
00:17:36 I'm just checking my shoulders.
00:17:49 Shoulders are still down.
00:17:51 This is enough of a delay to give you a chance to act, for sure.
00:17:53 OK, I'm going to kick out.
00:17:57 You can bring your arm up for that third count and bring it slowly down.
00:18:01 You have until Joe's hand touches the table to tell me what you're going to do.
00:18:05 OK, I notice I'm being slow-counted.
00:18:07 And there's something that's been locked away.
00:18:10 And I just get up and I get in Joe's face.
00:18:13 And I'm just like, "Look, do you not understand?
00:18:16 "What are we doing here? Just finish the match.
00:18:19 "I have other places to be, all right?
00:18:22 "I get it, you're family, and you're both healthy,
00:18:24 "and you've both got each other, and you're taking that for fucking granted.
00:18:27 "Just finish the fucking match so I can go back-fucking-stage, right?
00:18:32 "Do you get me?"
00:18:34 Yeah, and in the interest of fairness, I'm Miss Bros Pim.
00:18:38 I'm giving you the same amount of time that he would have had.
00:18:41 So ease off.
00:18:43 I shove Golden Joe.
00:18:45 Yes, do it. Join me.
00:18:48 That is a two.
00:18:51 He stands fast and strong.
00:18:53 I just pound at his chest.
00:18:56 Tears just starting to stream down my face.
00:19:00 That's all I've got.
00:19:03 Well, he's now attacking my brother, so I'm going to give him my finish.
00:19:07 I'm going to give him the silver spooner.
00:19:09 Hoist him up into the air, I'm going to flex a few times,
00:19:11 and then try and slam him down right into the mat.
00:19:13 Yeah, that's a power move, the silver spooner, for sure.
00:19:16 And it's a hard...
00:19:18 - Critical success. - That's my second critical success.
00:19:21 Yeah, boom! Back down on the mat.
00:19:24 Take his silver spooner, take it straight into the pin.
00:19:27 It's right up into the air, the big old flex of the muscles,
00:19:30 and I just shout, "You do not touch my brother."
00:19:33 And I slam him back down into the mat, hook the leg, count the pin.
00:19:38 While that's all happening, I'm bouncing off of the ropes to Joe,
00:19:42 like the rock solid, because that's what we do for our double team move.
00:19:45 But instead of doing the elbow, I count on two, three.
00:19:50 Yes.
00:19:52 - So that's the full one. - We need that momentum.
00:19:56 - We're fighting for the ten times. - You're absolutely right.
00:19:59 Your winner, Silverbro!
00:20:04 Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro.
00:20:11 I roll out of the ring, grab my cap, back up the ramp.
00:20:15 And yeah, Kid Flips is gone, like he was never even there,
00:20:18 and the two of you are left alone in the ring.
00:20:22 - Give me a hug, man. - You did it.
00:20:26 Yeah, yeah, I got a win, yeah.
00:20:28 And we're going to go on to the Colossal Tussle.
00:20:30 - Next week, it's next week, right? - Yes.
00:20:33 Yeah, next week, the Colossal Tussle, we're going to win those tag team titles.
00:20:37 Me and you, man, just like when we were kids,
00:20:39 had our trampoline in the back garden.
00:20:41 We're going to win the tag team titles.
00:20:43 - We are. - Yeah.
00:20:44 - Yeah, we are. - We are.
00:20:46 - We are. - We are.
00:20:47 - Yeah. - We are.
00:20:49 - We are. - We are.
00:20:50 - We are. - We are.
00:20:52 - We are. - The, uh, troopers.
00:20:55 - We are. - We are.
00:20:57 Yeah.
00:20:59 There is a tinny...
00:21:01 Oh, God.
00:21:02 There is a tinny whine from the speakers, and a voice,
00:21:06 a voice not the voice of the announcer you're familiar with, fills the room.
00:21:10 Yes.
00:21:13 Yes, you are.
00:21:16 There is a heavy sound of large footsteps coming to the top of the ramp.
00:21:23 You both look up.
00:21:24 The whole audience looks up the ramp to see a tall, broad-shouldered figure,
00:21:29 silhouetted against the light from the Titan-tron,
00:21:34 which is called the Wrestle-tron for, uh,
00:21:36 - I legally distinct that. - [laughter]
00:21:39 He has broad shoulders, a square head, a square jaw.
00:21:44 He looks like that guy from our flashback.
00:21:46 - He does. - [laughter]
00:21:48 - At least silhouetted. - I am so proud of both of you.
00:21:54 My boys.
00:21:56 - Dad! - It is Platinum Pete, your dad.
00:21:59 [laughter]
00:22:00 And he makes his way down the ramp with a big, broad smile on his face.
00:22:05 So very proud of everything you've both accomplished.
00:22:11 I have been watching you, as I always do, with pride and my own fighting fury burning inside me.
00:22:20 And I must say, after last week's regal wrangle, I am very, very disappointed.
00:22:28 [gasp]
00:22:30 Why, Dad, why?
00:22:34 This is not how I raised you both to wrestle.
00:22:41 Perhaps...
00:22:44 Perhaps both of you would care to shed some light on why I am so disappointed in you both.
00:22:54 I don't think I ever told you this, mate, but...
00:22:59 Dad... Dad didn't want us to be a tag team.
00:23:03 Dad wanted us to be singles guys.
00:23:06 I was trying to use us as the tag team so we could try and elevate you.
00:23:11 But in the process of that, I remembered the Trampoline Federation.
00:23:17 I was like, being a tag team with you, it's the best. It's the best time.
00:23:23 So I think what Dad's disappointed in is...
00:23:29 We're going after the tag titles and it's not you, in the position of the Demonatrix,
00:23:35 going after the world title against that dickhead who's got the belt currently.
00:23:40 Is that what you think, Silver?
00:23:43 It's the way you always told it to me. You said that, you know, we're gonna be champions.
00:23:50 Joe, why do you think I am so disappointed in you both?
00:23:59 Because I came second at the Regal Round Gold.
00:24:07 I was meant to win.
00:24:10 Is that the reason I am so utterly and completely ashamed of the performance you put on in front of the great city British public?
00:24:25 I just... We, you know... After everything, just always coming second, I thought we could get one for us.
00:24:34 One for the family, for a change. And make it proper golden as opposed to always the silver medals and the silver plates and the silver trophies.
00:24:47 The both of you need to remember why you are brothers and why you are wrestling.
00:25:01 And I think the most effective way to remind you of why you are in the position you are in today is with...
00:25:13 a childhood photo montage.
00:25:17 That does sound lovely.
00:25:27 So what we're gonna do now is we're going to have a short scene as Platinum Pete plays a sequence of clips, photos mostly, from your respective childhoods.
00:25:37 What I would like to hear is...
00:25:43 If you could describe a scene from your childhood to me and then after that if you could describe the same scene from your perspective.
00:25:53 So Platinum Pete pulls a small remote out from his Platinum jacket, points it towards the Wrestle-tron and presses play.
00:26:05 I mean, well, the first thing is it's Joe being handed to me as a little bab.
00:26:11 And the older brother getting to hold his little brother in his arms for the first time.
00:26:17 It's hard to remember that.
00:26:21 No, I think I probably remember that one more clearly than you.
00:26:25 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Joe.
00:26:29 Next it would be us wrestling with teddy bears in our bedroom.
00:26:37 I'd be like suplexing one of the bears and showing Joe how these moves are done.
00:26:43 Because I've seen the tapes from Maeve Delta.
00:26:47 And I'd love that. Yeah, we would play together and you'd hit one move on the teddy bear.
00:26:53 We would never wrestle each other. We would always wrestle the toys.
00:26:57 Yeah, because we were tags.
00:26:59 Then, you know, we got the trampoline.
00:27:02 So all of a sudden we got our own little wrestling federation and we would do the moves on each other.
00:27:07 Not really wrestling each other, but we were just practicing moves on each other.
00:27:11 Yeah, we started out a little federation and other kids would come and watch us.
00:27:17 And bro always booked himself to lose the matches.
00:27:21 Which was great because I got to win.
00:27:23 But then a few kids would make fun of you because you always lost.
00:27:30 But it's fine though, right? Because you're the youngest.
00:27:34 You're the one who's going to be pushing this place forward.
00:27:38 But they said that you're a loser.
00:27:40 Yeah, that's fine.
00:27:42 And after a while it sort of made me think you are kind of a bit of a loser.
00:27:48 Oh my god.
00:27:52 Silver is second place for a reason.
00:27:54 Because gold comes first.
00:27:57 Yeah, yeah.
00:27:59 It's a bit embarrassing though, isn't it?
00:28:01 What? Losing?
00:28:04 No, it's fine because you're getting the wins.
00:28:07 It's the same thing.
00:28:11 There's always got to be a winner, right? There's always got to be a winner somewhere.
00:28:14 And there's a loser.
00:28:15 Yeah, and a winner is you.
00:28:16 And a loser is...
00:28:17 Me.
00:28:18 You.
00:28:19 Yeah.
00:28:22 And then I'm at school.
00:28:25 Talking about like... it's one of those sort of assembly hall things.
00:28:30 And you've got to give a presentation as to who are you most proud of in this world.
00:28:35 I picked my brother because he's dead good at stuff.
00:28:39 And he's going to be a champion. That's what I'm most proud of.
00:28:43 It was so awkward.
00:28:46 It was so awkward to have my bro up there who everyone makes fun of.
00:28:52 Who I love, but it's hard because all the cool kids are saying he's just a loser.
00:28:58 He never wins anything.
00:29:00 He's stupidly happy to just get second place all the time.
00:29:04 And then he's up there sort of making my name feel a bit of a second placer as well just by saying it.
00:29:14 Flippin' heck.
00:29:16 Oh my god.
00:29:17 This is what I saw.
00:29:20 I don't know, I guess a family holiday.
00:29:24 Playing arcades. Playing Street Fighter.
00:29:27 But you know, picking one of the characters I'm not very good with.
00:29:32 Because that way I'm probably not going to win now, am I?
00:29:35 But letting Joe pick one of the good characters.
00:29:39 You know, like Honda or something like that.
00:29:43 I just wanted him to win.
00:29:46 I kept on trying to throw the game, but he kept on patronising me.
00:29:53 And making himself come second again.
00:30:01 That's the end of the montage.
00:30:04 I want to see one more scene.
00:30:06 And this is the day that you are both called up to the CBW roster.
00:30:12 Oh, it's that foe of me. I've got him on my shoulders.
00:30:16 Miss Elizabeth, like we did a few weeks ago.
00:30:19 Because finally, he's going to achieve his dream.
00:30:21 He's going to achieve our collective dream, the family's dream.
00:30:24 Of him being a champion. Of him being golden.
00:30:28 Yeah, this is my time.
00:30:30 I got signed, my brother's with me.
00:30:32 This is all good.
00:30:34 When the tag champions win the singles championship.
00:30:37 Yeah.
00:30:40 It's all golden.
00:30:44 And the photo montage fades from the WrestleTron.
00:30:48 Tatton and Pete.
00:30:50 Looks at both of you.
00:30:57 Don't let me down, boys.
00:31:00 Remember the lessons that I have taught you.
00:31:08 Winning.
00:31:09 Winning is the lesson.
00:31:11 Winning.
00:31:14 And he makes his way back up the ramp.
00:31:17 And out of the ring.
00:31:20 We are now going to cut backstage.
00:31:25 And we're going to catch up with Kid Flips.
00:31:28 Exactly where he was storming to after that match.
00:31:32 Do you remember where you were storming to?
00:31:33 I do.
00:31:34 Sweet.
00:31:35 So I'm storming to management.
00:31:39 Well, let's see that.
00:31:41 So I'm knocking on the door.
00:31:43 The door swings open.
00:31:45 And there greeting you, of course, is the voice of management, QC.
00:31:50 Well, well, well.
00:31:53 Kid Flips.
00:31:56 I suppose you'd better come in.
00:32:00 And he opens the door wider and lets you in.
00:32:02 As you step inside, you find a sparsely but tastefully decorated office in deep stained oak.
00:32:09 There is a huge mahogany desk at the back of the room.
00:32:13 Someone is sitting behind it, but someone you can't make out.
00:32:16 And standing in front of the desk is the biggest wrestler on the roster by a country mile.
00:32:23 A huge, towering Scottish woman in a white vest with tartan trousers and a bright red mohawk on the top of her head.
00:32:32 Her arms folded, who never leaves management's side.
00:32:35 QC offers you a seat.
00:32:38 Currently pointed the right way round.
00:32:42 I take that seat.
00:32:45 And I won 80, that son of a bitch.
00:32:48 I sit down on it and I say, let's, let's rap.
00:32:51 Let's be real.
00:32:55 He's going to die in that ring.
00:32:57 Unless you stop it.
00:33:00 And I see you've got him booked for a match later.
00:33:03 I'm asking you to cancel that match.
00:33:07 I'm asking you to take the choice away from him.
00:33:13 Because he's already made his choice.
00:33:16 And it's killing him.
00:33:18 Please.
00:33:20 Please.
00:33:22 Just let him go.
00:33:26 Who are you to speak for a wrestler who has been on the roster since before you were even born?
00:33:34 I'm someone who cares about him a damn sight more than management seems to.
00:33:39 Oh, kid flits.
00:33:43 If we ever gave you the impression that we cared, we are very, very sorry.
00:33:50 So here's how it's going to work.
00:33:53 As soon as that bell rings in his match tonight, I'm going to throw in the towel.
00:33:58 And if that doesn't work, I'm going to attack his opponent so that he is disqualified.
00:34:04 And he is forced to step away from the ring.
00:34:07 That is my plan.
00:34:09 Whatever happens, I am not letting you put his health above this stupid promotion.
00:34:20 He leans in very, very, very closely.
00:34:24 You can smell his breath.
00:34:26 It smells like Versace.
00:34:30 Who do you think you are?
00:34:35 I know who I am.
00:34:37 No, that's not a question you answer.
00:34:40 That is an indication to shut up.
00:34:47 He straights himself, walks over to the desk, leans forward so his head just disappears a little bit into that shadow at the back of the room.
00:34:57 He seems to be there for a while.
00:35:02 And then eventually straightens and turns around.
00:35:08 So, you're saying that unless we do as you say, you're simply going to get in the way.
00:35:19 That's right. There will be no match. I'll make sure of it.
00:35:23 Oh, you insolent little pup.
00:35:28 And he backhands you across the face.
00:35:31 That's my QC.
00:35:33 There will be a match.
00:35:37 And since you like extreme rules so much, this match will be hard core.
00:35:49 Oh, mate.
00:35:51 Now, get out of this office.
00:35:54 No, thank you.
00:35:56 I do a really small grind on the top of the chair.
00:36:05 And as I get to the door, I turn around and I look back and I say, "And the milk will be on your hands."
00:36:18 I slam the door.
00:36:20 That's good.
00:36:23 We cut back to the main stage again.
00:36:27 Ding, ding, ding. The following contest is scheduled for one fall.
00:36:33 One fall!
00:36:35 And it is no-holes bar.
00:36:39 Oh, dear.
00:36:40 No!
00:36:42 Making his way to the ring, hailing from Puddington, Yorkshire, the Milkman!
00:36:50 Please don't die! Please don't die! Please don't die!
00:36:55 Multiple milk floats drive onto the stage.
00:37:00 They have all been spray-painted black.
00:37:05 They trundle down in a procession.
00:37:08 Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
00:37:13 The tenth milk float is covered in flowers and wreaths that say, "Tony."
00:37:20 In the middle of the back of the milk float, all the crates have been tipped out, is a coffin.
00:37:26 The milk float drives all the way down to the ring.
00:37:30 And out from the coffin bursts Tony the Milkman!
00:37:34 Yeah!
00:37:36 Zombie Tony!
00:37:37 Bottles in the back of all the other milk trucks explode outwards in pyrotechnics and milky frothy goodness
00:37:45 as Tony erupts from the middle of this coffin to rapturous applause.
00:37:50 Yeah!
00:37:53 Come on, Tony.
00:37:54 His ribs and stuff all taped up, as you would imagine.
00:37:57 Grab that mic and give us what might well be the last promo you ever give.
00:38:02 Oh, dearly beloved, sorry, dairy beloved,
00:38:09 we are gathered here today for the funeral of Tony the Milkman.
00:38:18 Or so management of this company would have you believe.
00:38:23 I am not ready to go out without a fight,
00:38:27 and a fight I will give you because City British Wrestling is my heart,
00:38:32 it is my soul, and it saved my life.
00:38:39 Woo!
00:38:40 Woo!
00:38:41 That is udder-sputed.
00:38:46 Fuck.
00:38:49 Amazing.
00:38:50 That got me so off guard.
00:38:54 Making his way to the ring, hailing from Fury Road, Kent,
00:39:01 Christian Outrage!
00:39:08 Some screaming death metal just erupts from the speakers
00:39:11 and you see running down the ramp at full tilt a tall, very lean, very tightly muscled man covered in tattoos.
00:39:19 He has this long blonde hair down to the centre of his back.
00:39:22 I don't know whether it's length and grease or sweat or something far, far worse.
00:39:28 His eyes are bloodshot to the point where they look like, what are those things called?
00:39:34 I'm going to get a new metaphor.
00:39:35 His eyes are bloodshot.
00:39:38 His teeth are gritted, his body is taut, and he just sprints down the ramp,
00:39:44 vaults up into the rope and goes straight in with a fist straight to your face.
00:39:49 Crikey.
00:39:50 That's a power roll.
00:39:54 Yeah!
00:39:55 It's ten.
00:39:56 Yeah, come on!
00:39:57 I'm just going to step back and as he swings past, I've got a milk crate in my hand,
00:40:03 I'm just going to cluck him on the chin.
00:40:06 Yeah!
00:40:07 You get that, for that roll you get that already.
00:40:10 So, crack, straight up on his chin, he stumbles backwards, one of his teeth flies out up into the air,
00:40:16 he eyeballs it and then catches it, chucks it down his throat, swallows it,
00:40:21 and then goes to hoof you in the dick.
00:40:24 [Laughter]
00:40:27 Good luck.
00:40:29 That is going to be a work or power, I could say.
00:40:32 Okay, it passes.
00:40:35 On power it would be an eight.
00:40:38 Oh, even then, fine.
00:40:40 Yeah, you manage to dodge out of the way once again, his foot whiffs past.
00:40:44 What are you doing?
00:40:46 So I'm going to use a bit of old school wrestling technique and tie him up in the ropes.
00:40:51 So as he whiffs the kick, I'm going to let that sort of push him to force his leg through the ropes,
00:40:55 and then I'm just going to leave him sort of in the hangman's.
00:40:58 Okay, that's a work roll for sure.
00:41:03 Six.
00:41:05 You start grappling and trying to manoeuvre his body in between those ropes,
00:41:09 and he's lithe and he's lean and he manages to reverse that on you and get you wrapped up in the ropes yourself.
00:41:16 He leaves you there and starts walking to the edge of the ring,
00:41:20 hops down outside the apron and starts reaching underneath the ring for something.
00:41:26 I'm going to attempt to cover myself in milk to get out of the ropes, like it's fairy liquid.
00:41:35 Dairy liquid.
00:41:37 Sure. How are you doing this exactly? Where's the milk coming from?
00:41:41 I'm just going to motion to one of the drivers from the milk floats,
00:41:44 who are obviously in full black tie, because it's my funeral,
00:41:50 and get them to give me a bottle of what is chocolate milk in this scenario, because it's mood sort of inspired.
00:41:57 Roll and look for that.
00:42:00 That is a seven.
00:42:02 Nice!
00:42:04 He's like, beep, beep, beep, beep, milk truck reverses out,
00:42:08 and then he starts unloading bottles of milk on top of you,
00:42:11 and like you say, you slip free from those ropes just as Christian in Outrage makes his way back to the ring,
00:42:17 wielding a lead pipe.
00:42:19 Come on man, I'm just trying to turn over a new rage!
00:42:25 I want to roll out of the ring.
00:42:27 So roll of work for that.
00:42:30 He runs at you, swinging this pipe.
00:42:32 That is an eight.
00:42:34 And woof, once again it whiffs above your head, you narrowly avoid another injury.
00:42:37 Roll out of the ring. Outside, what are you doing?
00:42:40 I'm going to go under the ring and get a weapon of my own.
00:42:44 Trying to take some... sorry, I'll try that again.
00:42:46 Trying to take a rage out of my book!
00:42:50 What are you getting?
00:42:51 Has he got a pipe?
00:42:52 He's got a pipe, yeah.
00:42:53 I mean, I'm old school, so I'm just going to go for a chair.
00:42:56 I'm like, it's a trusty, it's classic. That's what I'm after.
00:43:01 Yeah, you absolutely find it on that successful roll.
00:43:03 Okay, and then I'm literally just going to put it on the apron
00:43:06 and motion to him to back off.
00:43:09 Roll on look.
00:43:12 It's not going well. It's a four.
00:43:16 Let me give you some rage advice. Don't tell me what to do!
00:43:20 And he clubs you in the head with the sage advice.
00:43:24 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes me a little while to get there.
00:43:29 Yeah, he clubs you straight across the top of the head.
00:43:32 Skims a bit of skin and flesh off the top.
00:43:34 A little sort of spleet of pretty pinky blood squirts out onto the ropes.
00:43:39 And he starts just swirling the bar in his hand.
00:43:42 I'm going to use the chair to just jab him in the shins.
00:43:46 I think that would be a... a real, yeah.
00:43:52 Roll a real for that.
00:43:54 That's gone well. No, it's not gone well.
00:43:56 It's a six.
00:43:57 It's a six. I'm not very real.
00:44:00 So he's spinning this thing in one hand.
00:44:03 He just hops up. His feet go up in the air.
00:44:05 The chair slides underneath him.
00:44:07 He swaps to the other hand and then crack across the top of the head again a second time.
00:44:11 Another scratch, another spurt of blood in the opposite direction.
00:44:14 Okay, I'm not...
00:44:16 I'm just trying to earn a living rage here!
00:44:19 Oh my God.
00:44:20 I hate you.
00:44:22 All of you.
00:44:23 You're going to regret those tattoos when you're older.
00:44:25 I'm going to trip him.
00:44:27 Cool, that'll be work.
00:44:30 Come on, Tony.
00:44:31 Come on, Tony.
00:44:32 It's an 11.
00:44:33 Tony!
00:44:34 Come on, Tony!
00:44:35 You get him under the legs. He falls onto the mat. He drops his pipe.
00:44:38 Yeah, he's dead.
00:44:41 Slide into the ring, grab the chair.
00:44:43 I'm going to fit the chair to his legs.
00:44:46 All right, well, at the moment you can do that for sure.
00:44:49 And then I am going to stamp on the chair while saying,
00:44:52 "I'm sorry, lad, I just want it more than you."
00:44:55 Roll on power for this chair stamp.
00:45:00 No, because my power's minus one, so it's a six.
00:45:04 Tony just does badly when it's not his thing.
00:45:07 Yeah!
00:45:08 Yeah!
00:45:09 The roll's really bad.
00:45:11 You stamp down and you hear a clank as the chair sort of presses over this guy's leg
00:45:16 and it sounds like he must have some kind of steel plate or something from a previous injury.
00:45:20 As you take a closer look at his body, you do see quite a few scars and cuts and surgery marks.
00:45:24 This guy's been in a lot of hardcore matches.
00:45:28 He gets to his feet, shakes the chair off his leg, and just goes to nut you straight in the face.
00:45:35 Brilliant.
00:45:37 Nose again. I know.
00:45:40 But yeah.
00:45:41 This is a ten.
00:45:42 That's enough. Once again, you whiff out of the way. He loses bounce a little bit.
00:45:47 I'm going to bring him right into a headlock and then just try and choke.
00:45:52 That's going to be for choking power.
00:45:58 It's a nine.
00:45:59 Tony!
00:46:00 Tony!
00:46:01 Go on, Tony.
00:46:02 Amazing. You feel his body start to go limp under the strength of your lock.
00:46:08 I'm going to let him drop to the floor and I'm going to go for the chair again.
00:46:15 I am going to apply over the leg again, but this time I'm going to do a full churn.
00:46:21 The full churn!
00:46:23 With the chair on his leg.
00:46:25 It's going to kill you!
00:46:27 That is absolutely a ten. Good roll.
00:46:32 That's a six. Can I re-roll?
00:46:34 You can add your work to your churn.
00:46:36 Yeah, it's a six with the work.
00:46:39 You've only got plus one work, of course.
00:46:41 You can re-roll. I believe you're allowed to re-roll.
00:46:44 If I'm doing something to preserve the traditions of wrestling.
00:46:47 I believe I should be on the finale show and I shouldn't be fired because I am a veteran wrestler.
00:46:52 That is preserving the traditions of wrestling because I haven't quite taught him not to do stupid flippy stuff yet.
00:46:58 That works for me. Go for it.
00:47:00 It's not going to go well, is it?
00:47:02 Come on, Tony.
00:47:03 Plus one.
00:47:04 I just only rolled six.
00:47:07 So you get locked in for the churn. You start to move and then you feel that same feeling you felt a couple of weeks ago.
00:47:12 Oh my God, no! I'm going to be me own undoing!
00:47:15 As your own bones start to creak and your own muscles start to strain and tear at the stress you're putting your body through at this point.
00:47:21 I'm coming down to the ring.
00:47:25 I'm running down to the ring. I know I can't throw in the towel because it's a hardcore match.
00:47:30 But I'm just at the ringside and I'm just sort of like, I'm not sure what to do.
00:47:36 And then I'm going to get into the ring and I'm going to super kick Tony.
00:47:42 Oh my God!
00:47:45 Go for it. That's going to be live and super kicking. Springboard kick.
00:47:52 Let's add a flip to it, shall we?
00:47:54 Are you doing this from where Tony can see or from behind Tony?
00:47:58 I am going to jump up to the apron.
00:48:01 I'm going to look him dead in the eyes and then I'm going to jump onto the springboard and hit him in the face as hard as I can.
00:48:08 Yep, absolutely. Roll on work.
00:48:11 Oh my God.
00:48:14 Oh, it's going very badly.
00:48:17 I have to re-roll that. I'm standing up for what I believe in.
00:48:22 And what I believe is that you should not be a wrestler. You should be a father.
00:48:28 Oh my God.
00:48:31 Oh!
00:48:34 Amazing.
00:48:37 Oh my God.
00:48:39 Yeah, you just take us through that live and super kicking.
00:48:42 It seems to happen as if in slow motion.
00:48:45 I pull myself up to the springboard, our eyes locked with each other.
00:48:50 And I saw through the air.
00:48:54 I saw through the past, through years of work, of training, of hopes and dreams.
00:49:03 And I don't hold myself back.
00:49:06 And I hit Tony in the side of the head with my foot as hard as I possibly can.
00:49:16 I take Christian Outrage and I pull him on top of Tony the Milkman.
00:49:24 Oh my God.
00:49:27 What?
00:49:28 Tony.
00:49:31 Can you make a roll on your heat with kid flips, please?
00:49:37 I'll tell you now, it's going to be a six.
00:49:41 It is a nine. No. Yeah, nine.
00:49:46 You sort of feel your focus and your consciousness start to swim back.
00:49:52 There's a sort of muffled voice that seems to be saying something here at count.
00:49:56 In slow motion, one.
00:49:59 And you wake up and see this body draped over you.
00:50:03 Two.
00:50:05 Oh!
00:50:08 And poor Christian Outrage gets a milkman fist to the face and flies off the top of your body and rolls across and off the mat and up the ring.
00:50:22 Oh, snap.
00:50:23 What are you doing, lad?
00:50:25 I'm trying to help you, don't you understand?
00:50:29 You have to lose. You have to lose.
00:50:33 I thought that milk is meant to be thicker than water.
00:50:40 You've spilt enough milk.
00:50:47 This is not what I taught you. I was teaching you the Milky Way.
00:50:53 Jeez, Dad, you have to stop.
00:51:00 I want to go out on my own terms.
00:51:04 Calcum, you won't listen to me.
00:51:07 I will take all of the yoghurt they have, lad. All of it.
00:51:12 Until I get to go out the way that I want at the Colossal Tussle.
00:51:18 Then it's your fucking funeral and I roll out of the ring.
00:51:23 As you roll out, Christian Outrage rolls back in and he's bringing something with him. It's a big old table.
00:51:30 He sets it down and just before he starts to set it up, he lunges at you again.
00:51:35 Touching! Congratulations on your enragement!
00:51:40 He's got me.
00:51:43 It's a three, I'm okay.
00:51:45 He hits you with a spear and knocks you straight to the ground.
00:51:49 While you're on the ground, he gets up, starts setting up the table, getting the legs out, getting the thing right and getting everything ready.
00:51:54 Then starts coming towards you again.
00:51:57 I am going to attempt to cut him off and get him in a wrist lock.
00:52:04 Work.
00:52:06 Just quite simply.
00:52:09 God, Tony's terrible.
00:52:11 It's a four.
00:52:13 Maybe I should retire.
00:52:16 You go for the wrist lock and the damage you've done to your body through attempting the churn doesn't let you get enough grip on him.
00:52:22 He manages to get his arm free.
00:52:24 He punches you across the face a couple of times to get you dazed and then starts dragging you towards the table.
00:52:29 I'm just trying to grasp for anything, any sort of purchase.
00:52:34 I'm hoping that I can drag my hand across the chair as I go.
00:52:39 If he's pulling me from behind.
00:52:41 You can roll and work for that.
00:52:43 That's good.
00:52:45 That is a nine.
00:52:47 He doesn't notice, he is seeing red, he's just trying to get you to that table for his big spot.
00:52:51 [Laughter]
00:52:54 That is a power roll, right Jason?
00:52:56 Power!
00:52:58 It never goes well on power, does it?
00:53:00 Four.
00:53:02 I should stop doing anything.
00:53:04 It just doesn't work.
00:53:06 You can re-roll it for your baby face.
00:53:08 It's the nail for you, believe it.
00:53:10 Do I have that?
00:53:12 That's your baby face.
00:53:14 By standing up for what I believe in.
00:53:16 Well I do absolutely believe in me being at the Colossal Tussle.
00:53:19 I'm wrestling forever, clearly.
00:53:21 [Laughter]
00:53:26 He's terrible, isn't he Tony?
00:53:28 Tony mate.
00:53:30 It's all drama, it's all build.
00:53:32 I'm building for that big comeback spot, that's it.
00:53:35 You make two attempts to chair shot him and both times he just nose sells.
00:53:38 There seems to be so much metal in his body from the various surgeries he's had that it's just not really registering.
00:53:44 He backhands you across the face and then while your face is turned, leans in and just bites your ear.
00:53:50 [Groans]
00:53:52 And then spitting out a little bit of blood, starts to manoeuvre you around the table,
00:53:56 starts to get you into position to do a really nasty powerbomb.
00:53:59 I'm going to attempt to roll down the back, turning it into a sunset flip and then a pinning.
00:54:07 Look.
00:54:09 I think Tony's rubbish at it.
00:54:11 Tony's so bad!
00:54:13 It's a four.
00:54:15 I'm going to get fired. I'm going to die.
00:54:18 You try to roll but you just can't get out of his grip.
00:54:21 You feel your body being lifted up and up and up.
00:54:23 I'm back in the ring with a milk bottle in my hand and I smash it over Christian Outrage's head.
00:54:29 Roll on reel.
00:54:31 My reel is minus one.
00:54:33 That is going to do it. That is...
00:54:35 Seven.
00:54:36 Seven. Smash.
00:54:37 Milk goes everywhere. It sprays across Christian Outrage.
00:54:40 It covers his hair, it covers your face, it covers the milkman.
00:54:44 He drops the milkman just as he's about to get into the final part of the bomb,
00:54:49 just before your back connects with that table.
00:54:51 You still hit it. There is still a crack and a break in the wood.
00:54:54 There is still a crack and a break somewhere in your trunk.
00:54:57 But it is not as hard as it could have been.
00:54:59 Christian Outrage staggers around the stage now, dazed,
00:55:02 blood and milk coming out the back of his head.
00:55:05 I hit him with the live and super kicking.
00:55:09 As you go over there, he manages to catch your leg in midair.
00:55:20 And twists it around as you land.
00:55:23 Gets it into a really nasty ankle lock.
00:55:26 Then settles himself down on the mat and just starts applying pressure.
00:55:29 Seeing this, I am properly milking up.
00:55:34 I am raging. I get off the mat and I run up.
00:55:37 Can we see you milk up for a bit?
00:55:39 That's milk. It's milk coming out of milk bottles.
00:55:47 You imagined that.
00:55:50 You imagined that.
00:55:52 That's what happens.
00:55:54 I motion quickly to one of the guys from the floats
00:56:00 and they hand me something from the car.
00:56:03 I rush across the ring and I go to strike Rage Guy in the face.
00:56:08 Christian Outrage.
00:56:10 Christian Outrage in the face with a little badly made wooden skateboard.
00:56:15 You can roll on your heat with kid flips for that for sure.
00:56:22 Come on Tony, it's an 11.
00:56:26 This cheaply, poorly made skateboard made by a kid still stands strong
00:56:33 and cracks across Christian's jaw.
00:56:36 Doesn't even break the skateboard itself.
00:56:38 Teeth fly out.
00:56:40 A bit of something, you have no idea what it is, but it looks fleshy.
00:56:42 Flies out of his mouth.
00:56:44 He lets go of the ankle lock.
00:56:46 He head cracks against the mat.
00:56:49 He's looking up in the sky, utterly dazed, utterly out of it at this point.
00:56:54 I just want to go for a pin.
00:56:57 That's your bog standard pin.
00:57:01 Go for it.
00:57:02 You can add your heat with kid flips for this.
00:57:05 Alright Tony, it's a 10.
00:57:09 Yes Tony!
00:57:10 Talks to the pin.
00:57:12 It is the most beautiful pin you've ever seen.
00:57:16 This is true veteran workmanship.
00:57:19 It was something that Tony called total and utter annihilation.
00:57:22 He folds up the limbs into a perfect knot,
00:57:26 turns Christian Outrage over,
00:57:29 and then with one finger just counts the pin.
00:57:33 He's like perfectly in.
00:57:36 He's just a pretzel.
00:57:38 One, two, three.
00:57:41 Yes!
00:57:43 Your winner, the Milkman!
00:57:48 As the rest of the champion's celebrating,
00:57:50 Christian Outrage comes to a brief moment of consciousness and looks at the two of you and says,
00:57:54 "What a touching coming of rage story."
00:57:58 And then passes out entirely.
00:58:00 I reach for a microphone.
00:58:02 You're not going to stop, are you?
00:58:09 I'll stop, but when I'm ready.
00:58:15 Well then, looks like I'm going to have to stop you.
00:58:20 You and me.
00:58:22 One on one.
00:58:24 The colossal tussle.
00:58:27 You taught me everything I knew.
00:58:30 I'm going to use it against you, because I have to.
00:58:37 I've got some more tricks in me bag, boy.
00:58:42 I'll teach you again.
00:58:44 Every day.
00:58:46 Now, let's not cry over spilt milkman,
00:58:49 and let's just enjoy the moment,
00:58:52 because I won!
00:58:54 I turn my back,
00:58:58 and I just say,
00:59:00 "I'll see you at the colossal tussle."
00:59:04 And I'm sorry.
00:59:06 But I'm going to send you home, where you belong.
00:59:10 We'll talk about this in the car.
00:59:15 Yeah, we'll talk about it in the car.
00:59:17 Amazing.
00:59:18 And as you two head off to the car to talk about it.
00:59:21 The ring clears once more.
00:59:25 It takes a while to get all the weapons off the stage,
00:59:28 to get all the blood and the bits and the milk,
00:59:30 and just make it look pristine and normal again.
00:59:33 A little strangely, it seems, some other stuff is getting moved around as well,
00:59:38 but it's probably nothing to worry about.
00:59:41 Oh, God.
00:59:42 Mmm.
00:59:43 Mmm.
00:59:44 I've had that sort of tease before.
00:59:46 Yeah.
00:59:47 And when everything is quiet,
00:59:49 and the audience have recovered from that emotional gut-buster,
00:59:52 a voice comes out.
00:59:54 In fact, before it does...
00:59:58 [Crickets chirping]
01:00:00 You hear this music.
01:00:05 [Music]
01:00:07 [Audience cheering]
01:00:09 [Music]
01:00:10 [Music]
01:00:11 [Music]
01:00:12 [Music]
01:00:13 OK, cool.
01:00:14 I am...
01:00:15 Do you know what?
01:00:16 I'm back on that horse made of denim jeans again.
01:00:18 [Laughter]
01:00:19 But this time, I'm in a fleet of them as well.
01:00:23 And we're going to circle the ring.
01:00:25 And in, like, a circus showgirl fashion,
01:00:27 we're going to do tricks on the pony,
01:00:29 where I'll do handstands, and I'll do, like, flips,
01:00:32 and I'll do all kinds of denim-based tricks
01:00:35 that I've been trying to think of now.
01:00:38 And I am going--
01:00:40 They're all going to circle and circle and circle
01:00:42 until I snap my fingers,
01:00:44 and they're all just going to completely evaporate.
01:00:47 [Laughter]
01:00:48 And I'm going to casually walk into the ring
01:00:51 like the wonderful weirdo that I apparently am.
01:00:54 Valhalla Kadabra.
01:00:56 [Laughter]
01:00:57 Or denim magic.
01:00:59 Is there anything you would like to say into the mic right now?
01:01:03 Denim Brown.
01:01:04 [Laughter]
01:01:06 Is there?
01:01:07 Does it have to be?
01:01:08 Oh.
01:01:09 I'm going to put it to you.
01:01:11 Now's a good time to say it.
01:01:14 I've noticed something.
01:01:16 I'm the only person that seems to not be related to someone else.
01:01:20 [Laughter]
01:01:22 But you in the audience, you are my family.
01:01:26 And I know that each one of you think that you couldn't be in this ring,
01:01:29 but I, as the anti-hero,
01:01:33 am here to prove that anyone can dem win.
01:01:36 [Cheering]
01:01:37 She said it! She said it!
01:01:39 Dem win! Dem win! Dem win! Dem win!
01:01:43 And then, ooh, the Wrestle-tron turns off,
01:01:48 and doo, doo, doo.
01:01:51 Lights start to turn off all around the audience
01:01:55 until you can't really see them anymore.
01:01:57 They seem to be just in complete darkness.
01:01:59 There's this general murmur of unrest and annoyance from the audience.
01:02:03 Like, "Oh, I can't see. What's going on?"
01:02:08 There is a long, high-pitched feedback whine coming from the speakers,
01:02:13 and then the announcer's voice comes out, sounding very flat.
01:02:18 "The following contest is scheduled."
01:02:27 Making his way to the ring,
01:02:30 hailing from classified, redacted
01:02:36 Mr. Donovan.
01:02:41 No music plays.
01:02:44 There is a trump, trump, trump of heavy boots,
01:02:48 and standing at the top of the ramp, you see a very tall man,
01:02:53 very well built and very well defined.
01:02:56 He has clearly a very handsome face, but he is not a young man.
01:02:59 You can tell through the lines and the crags and the leathery tan.
01:03:05 This man is at the very least in his late 50s.
01:03:07 He has a neat silvery-grey beard
01:03:10 and really nice silvery-grey hair that just goes down to his shoulders.
01:03:13 He's wearing some heavy work trousers
01:03:17 and some big, heavy-looking lace-up boots that look like military boots.
01:03:21 He has nothing over his top and a duffel bag over his shoulder,
01:03:24 which he just drops down next to him at the top of the ramp.
01:03:29 You see the referee look at you.
01:03:34 "Sup?"
01:03:37 Looking extremely timid and scared for a man who is always pretty timid and scared,
01:03:42 he hops out of the ring and makes his way up the ramp.
01:03:47 As he gets up there, Donovan looks at him,
01:03:51 and this little man can't meet his gaze.
01:03:54 He just goes up the ramp and leaves,
01:03:56 and Donovan starts to make his way down.
01:03:58 "What? Cool!"
01:04:02 One, two, three, up the steel steps,
01:04:05 one leg over the ropes, two legs over the ropes.
01:04:11 And he smiles at you.
01:04:15 "Hi."
01:04:24 "Get him. Get him. Get him in the balls."
01:04:32 Quick as a flash, his posture suddenly changes.
01:04:35 He moves into what seems to be some kind of martial arts pose,
01:04:41 a very subtle but slight one.
01:04:45 He cracks his back muscles and starts to move his hands around.
01:04:50 It looks like he might be doing some kind of Tai Chi.
01:04:53 "Tai Chi? I'm joining in at this point."
01:04:56 "Oh dear."
01:04:58 "Oh God."
01:05:00 "It's really, really good."
01:05:02 "I wish I knew Tai Chi."
01:05:04 "I wish you was like this."
01:05:06 "Wax on, wax off."
01:05:08 "You have to embrace it as if you're pushing things through,
01:05:11 so it's all about movement and the energy around you.
01:05:15 It's really good that I'm teaching this, Donovan.
01:05:17 I think you'd be worried if you didn't know."
01:05:21 He moves his hand towards you to the point where they both touch.
01:05:27 "And I claw my nails right down his hand."
01:05:29 "Cool. Roll on reel."
01:05:33 "That's alright."
01:05:35 "Thank you. God, I can't count."
01:05:38 Your nails slide straight down his hand,
01:05:41 make these four really nasty gashes, and blood starts to fall out.
01:05:51 He squeezes his fist over the mat and just watches
01:05:55 as blood from the wound you just made drips onto the canvas.
01:05:58 "Can I splash the blood into his eyes?"
01:06:02 "Sure."
01:06:04 "Just roll on..."
01:06:06 "Reel?"
01:06:07 "Yeah, why not?"
01:06:08 "It's my favourite."
01:06:10 "Yeah, seven."
01:06:12 You manage to bat a little bit of dripping blood out into his eyes.
01:06:17 It hits one of the eyes, coats it in blood.
01:06:21 He closes it, and as he squeezes it, a single bloody tear trickles down his cheek.
01:06:26 "Oh my god, who is this person?"
01:06:28 "There's so many psychopaths in this company."
01:06:33 "Hey, I'm masochist."
01:06:35 You've slightly got something going on, and a little bit blinded,
01:06:38 but you use the opportunity to just go for a dropkick.
01:06:41 "Sure, roll on power."
01:06:43 "Oh, for fuck's..."
01:06:46 "Dude, that's alright, that's a girl!"
01:06:49 "Eight. Seven. Eight. Seven!"
01:06:52 "Seven."
01:06:54 "Oh, okay."
01:06:56 You drop it, connect with his chest, he stumbles back a couple of steps into the ropes,
01:07:03 and smiles at you.
01:07:05 "Oh god!"
01:07:09 "Gonna go again, just to see if I can do some kind of damage."
01:07:13 "Why am I always rolling on power?"
01:07:15 "It's a cannon now."
01:07:17 "Boop!"
01:07:19 "That's five."
01:07:20 "Five. Cool. Go on."
01:07:22 You go in for the second dropkick.
01:07:24 He grabs your ankle with one hand,
01:07:27 and with the other elbow brings it straight down on your knee.
01:07:30 There is a sickening crack, and your knee bends 90 degrees in the wrong direction.
01:07:34 "Ohhhh!"
01:07:36 And you drop onto the mat.
01:07:38 He then gets down on his knees next to you, sort of straddling over your broken knee,
01:07:43 and grabs one of your hands by the wrist.
01:07:46 Can you roll on power for me?
01:07:48 "Don't make me roll on power!"
01:07:50 "Be good."
01:07:52 "Yes! Eight!"
01:07:54 "Yeah, it's eight. I got so excited I knocked the mic off."
01:07:56 "It's an eight, it's an eight, it's an eight."
01:07:58 "And then add your power?"
01:08:00 "That's eight."
01:08:02 Amazing. He grabs your wrist, he grabs onto a finger, and he just starts pulling.
01:08:07 And you can feel the finger leave the socket, you can feel the flesh tearing,
01:08:10 but you manage to pull your hand free.
01:08:13 "Okay, cool. I pull my hand free."
01:08:15 "Damn, Danny!"
01:08:16 "I pull my hand free and I'm going to run across, hit the ropes,
01:08:21 and I'm going to run head first with my stiletto horns that I've stuffed up,
01:08:25 hoping that I'm going to get them in the ribs."
01:08:27 "Sure, go for it."
01:08:28 "The gore."
01:08:29 "Yeah, always gory."
01:08:31 "Oh, did that work? That's ten."
01:08:33 "That's real, that's ten."
01:08:35 "Ten."
01:08:36 "That's a solid ten."
01:08:37 "Yeah!"
01:08:38 "Your horns connect with his... is it his chest or his stomach? Where are you going for?"
01:08:42 "I'm going to go for his chest. See if I can go for a lung."
01:08:45 "Your horns sink into his chest a good few inches,
01:08:48 more blood starts to leak out around them,
01:08:50 and you sort of start pushing him back towards the rope again like a ball."
01:08:53 "Yeah, er..."
01:08:54 "Blood dance."
01:08:55 LAUGHTER
01:08:56 "I'm pushing him over, I pull my horns out,
01:08:59 and I'm going to go back in for my favourite move, which is the split stunner."
01:09:03 "Okay, you roll and look for that."
01:09:05 "There you go."
01:09:06 "Seven."
01:09:08 "Seven."
01:09:09 "Amazing, yeah. You bring him down, boom, onto the mat.
01:09:13 You can see as he's lying there down on his chest,
01:09:16 some blood from the wounds from your horns start to spread out onto the canvas
01:09:20 from the other side of his torso."
01:09:22 "Sweet. I am going to elbow drop on the back of him."
01:09:27 "Cool, I will give you power for that."
01:09:29 "Thanks. Oh, I'm a little piqued now."
01:09:31 "Too late, it's happening."
01:09:33 LAUGHTER
01:09:34 "Nine."
01:09:35 "Six."
01:09:36 "Six."
01:09:37 "As you make your way...
01:09:40 As you leap off the top rope and go in for that elbow drop,
01:09:43 he, with a crazy amount of speed, flips himself onto his back,
01:09:48 gets to his feet, catches your wrist in one hand,
01:09:52 and then open palms your elbow. Crack."
01:09:54 "Ohhh!"
01:09:57 "And bends your left arm back 90 degrees in the direction it shouldn't go."
01:10:01 "Oh."
01:10:02 "You now have a busted knee and a busted arm."
01:10:06 "Cool."
01:10:07 "Ow."
01:10:08 "Okay, which one is he holding me by?"
01:10:11 "So he's..."
01:10:12 "The busted one."
01:10:13 "So he's broken your left arm and he's just flung you across the ring now."
01:10:17 "Oh, okay, cool."
01:10:18 "And he stands still and just starts doing Tai Chi again."
01:10:22 "Ah, I...
01:10:26 I'm going to go running towards him again with horns
01:10:29 and just hope that my real fury is going to go all the way through him."
01:10:33 "Does the broken knee come into that?"
01:10:36 "I've got a limb like a joyous..."
01:10:38 "The broken knee is going to affect your power and your work roles,
01:10:40 but your real finale is mechanically intact."
01:10:44 "Yes, get that nasty gore.
01:10:48 Yes!"
01:10:50 "Now you connect with him again, I'll make two fresh wounds in his chest.
01:10:54 'Denim, denim, denim, denim, denim.'"
01:10:59 "Yeah, wait."
01:11:00 "He pushes you up, in fact, yeah, you're connected at this point, right?
01:11:02 So you're pushing back towards the ropes.
01:11:04 We'll have your real power to push him back towards the ropes."
01:11:06 "Ah."
01:11:08 "Six."
01:11:10 "He pulls your body from his chest."
01:11:16 "Who is this guy?"
01:11:17 "Puts one big hand around one of the horns."
01:11:20 "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Before you do that, I try and kick you in the balls."
01:11:33 "You hear the stitching pop, you feel your flesh tear,
01:11:36 and the blood just starts to gush out the side of your head.
01:11:40 He then brings another big hand round to your throat and grabs you by it."
01:11:45 "And as he squeezes, the more pressure he applies on your throat,
01:11:48 the quicker the blood flows from these big open wounds
01:11:50 in the side of your head where your stitched in horns are."
01:11:52 "What, what, what, what, what?
01:11:54 Okay, right, so, okay, right.
01:11:56 But considering my relationship with pain, it gives me a weird energy
01:12:00 and all of a sudden I wake up and all the pain that is existing in my body already
01:12:03 kind of just seems to seep away and I get a second wind."
01:12:07 "What are you going to try and do?"
01:12:08 "I am going to, I don't know, kick him in the dick!
01:12:14 I'm going to actually, I'm going to use the momentum of my broken leg
01:12:17 to swing it as far back as possible, to swing it right into his dick as hard as possible."
01:12:22 "Okay, that is power, and that is going to be minus three because your leg is broken."
01:12:26 "But I'm..."
01:12:28 "Cripples, is that it?"
01:12:30 "Come on, come on, come on."
01:12:32 "Yes! She actually did it!"
01:12:34 "Critical success. Amazing. Amazing.
01:12:40 Your leg swings back, sort of flopping like a ragdoll leg,
01:12:47 and then swings forward, woof, straight up between his thighs, crunched straight into his groin,
01:12:53 and Mr Donovan falls to his knees and falls to his back and just lies there,
01:12:58 panting as blood seeps out of his chest.
01:13:01 You're standing there with your busted leg, your head bleeding, and your busted arm."
01:13:06 "Turn him! Turn him! Turn him! Turn him! Turn him! Turn him!"
01:13:11 "Swinging down, I'm hopping on one leg with my floppy other leg,
01:13:15 and I'm just going to use all of my weight to elbow drop him again on my other strong arm.
01:13:20 Strong arm-ish."
01:13:21 "As you do that..."
01:13:23 "Oh, shit."
01:13:27 "Oh, no."
01:13:29 "What the fuck?"
01:13:33 "You hear the groan and buckle of metal as the massive muscular rock-like bulk of Apex
01:13:40 makes his way down the ramp and into the ring."
01:13:43 "This guy is Apex."
01:13:46 "He is in the middle of compressing a large lump of metal into a small ball at this point.
01:13:54 At the top of the ramp, he's holding some just pile of steel,
01:13:57 and by the time you reach the bottom, it's this perfect little sphere.
01:14:00 He tosses it into the audience, and one really hardcore heel fan grabs it and seems really pleased."
01:14:05 "It's you."
01:14:07 "I have a different favourite MPW, actually.
01:14:10 He steps through the ropes, steps over to you,
01:14:15 and I'm going to have you roll on power for this."
01:14:18 "Uh-oh."
01:14:19 "Why would you...?"
01:14:21 "Is it still minus three?"
01:14:23 "Mm-hmm."
01:14:24 "Oh, man."
01:14:25 "Oh, no, that's four."
01:14:28 "You try to get out of the way and manoeuvre yourself,
01:14:30 but with your two broken limbs at this point, you're just not fast enough.
01:14:34 These hands fix themselves around your body.
01:14:37 He lifts you up for his finishing move, Survival of the Fittest.
01:14:41 He lifts you right over his head and brings you down for a backbreaker,
01:14:45 a gorilla-press slam right against the knee."
01:14:46 "He's got a bainer."
01:14:48 "Crack. Your spine just gives way under the force of his knee."
01:14:52 "Oh, my God."
01:14:54 "Am I okay?"
01:14:57 "Your knee is broken, your elbow is broken,
01:15:00 and something is really fucked up with your spine.
01:15:02 You are bleeding profusely from your head.
01:15:04 As he drops you down, he leans in really close to you
01:15:07 till his mouth is right by your ear and says,
01:15:11 'You are weak.
01:15:15 You will never be C.B.W. champion,'
01:15:24 and picks you up again and brings you down for a second backbreaker across his knee."
01:15:29 "Boom. Dead in A-tricks."
01:15:32 "I'm in so much pain that I'm murmuring something and I'm whispering.
01:15:39 The A-pricks can't hear me, so it leans in closer."
01:15:43 "Oh, well, we'll see."
01:15:45 "Please."
01:15:47 "And one of my torn, fleshy horns that are by the side of me,
01:15:52 I grab it with my one good hand and I stab it into his Achilles heel."
01:15:56 "Oh."
01:15:58 "I'm rolling on reel for that."
01:16:00 "Yeah."
01:16:01 "But--"
01:16:04 "Oh, my God."
01:16:05 "Oh, my God."
01:16:06 "You grab that horn, you swing it towards his heel,
01:16:11 but you are so broken and bloodied and weak at this point,
01:16:15 it just barely even reaches him.
01:16:18 He looks down and sneers at you.
01:16:20 'Never, never, never.'
01:16:24 And with a big, heavy boot, kicks you unconscious in the face."
01:16:27 "Oh."
01:16:29 "And then, 'Argh!' screams into the air.
01:16:33 The audience, the lights burst back on the stage.
01:16:37 There's blood littering the canvas.
01:16:40 Mr Donovan is gone and there is just a triumphant-looking apex
01:16:43 standing over your unconscious body."
01:16:45 "Oh."
01:16:46 "I'm almost in a worse position than you at the moment."
01:16:50 "And that's all for this episode of City British Wrestling.
01:16:55 We'll see you all next week for the Colossal Tussle."
01:17:00 "Tussle."
01:17:01 Thanks, Tom.
01:17:02 That's it for this week's episode of No Rolls Barred.
01:17:06 Really hope you enjoyed it.
01:17:08 Check out the next episode this time next week here on PartsFunknown.
01:17:12 In the meantime, if you would like to get even more involved in the CBW universe,
01:17:17 check out No Rolls Barred's Patreon.
01:17:19 The link is in the description below
01:17:21 and there are all sorts of fantastic ways you can get more from the series.
01:17:24 There are behind-the-scenes footage, there's production podcasts,
01:17:27 booking podcasts with myself and Tom,
01:17:29 live streams with me, and you can even create your very own CBW wrestler
01:17:34 which will be put in the show.
01:17:36 And if you can't wait until next Sunday,
01:17:38 there's even 40-hour early access.
01:17:41 So what are you waiting for?
01:17:42 Head to our Patreon and check out the rest of the amazing content here on PartsUnknown.