• 2 years ago
Subscribe to the CBW Patreon and choose where the next CBW One-Shot takes place!
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Here we are in the future. The CBW gang return to your screens with a very special, bumper-length one-shot, set in an alternate CBW. We'll be doing one of these per month until we can get in the same room to film NRB Season 2. You can watch the next one days early, AND choose where it's set, by joining our Patreon!

CBW is based on World Wide Wrestling, designed by Nathan D Paoletta, and you can check out the system here: https://ndpdesign.com/wwwrpg

We hope you enjoy!!

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Transcript
00:00:00 Hello, I'm Adam Haling from PartsFunKnown and welcome to another episode of No Rolls Barred.
00:00:06 Now this is not season two because we can't all get into the same room to record it and honestly
00:00:10 we're so proud of the way that series is shaping up that we want to save it until we can do it the
00:00:15 very best that we can. However, we didn't want there to be no No Rolls Barred during all of this
00:00:20 so we're experimenting with a series of one-shots set in alternate CBWs. For this one, well, you're
00:00:28 about to find out but for future ones maybe you can help us decide where they're set. As ever,
00:00:33 No Rolls Barred is based on a system designed by Nathan D. Powlett. Follow the link to his
00:00:37 website in the description below and in the meantime enjoy this very special non-canon
00:00:42 somewhat futuristic episode of No Rolls Barred. Take it away Tom.
00:00:47 Hello everyone and welcome back to CBW. My name is Tom, head of programming here at CBW and these
00:00:57 are our players. I'm Oli Davis and I'm playing the High Flyer. I'm Lou Cohen and I'm playing
00:01:07 the Young One. I'm Laurie Blake and I'm playing the Veteran. I'm Lolo Brow and I'm playing the
00:01:16 Shoot Fighter. I'm Adam Lompier and I am the Golden Boy. Right, let's do a fight. The year is
00:01:28 3000 AD. As the technological innovations that defined the early years of the 21st century became
00:01:37 more advanced and as an increasingly urbanized environment accelerated mankind's relationship
00:01:43 with machines, the very nature of human society began to change. Technological engagement for
00:01:52 convenience and efficiency deepened into a dependence on artificial systems. The populace
00:01:59 were driven indoors by a polluted environment and punishing work hours borne by the unchecked growth
00:02:05 of city and industry. For most of the over-inflated population, all they knew were work,
00:02:11 sleep and food. But the human machine cannot live on these things alone. The human animal confined
00:02:18 to a life of domestic isolation, viewing the world through the glow of a screen, craves something
00:02:24 more. Now more than ever we need the grand operatic drama and primal combat-driven conflicts
00:02:31 that only professional wrestling can deliver. We need CBW. But times have changed and pro-wrestling
00:02:45 has changed with them. With the closing of public spaces, the fall of live entertainment and the
00:02:50 rise of a technocratic hierarchy, the people have turned their backs on the battle and beefcakes of
00:02:56 forgotten centuries. Our new champions are made of steel and circuits, wrestling robots built and
00:03:03 remotely operated by the best and brightest, pounding seven shades of piston into each other
00:03:09 on the grandest stage of them all. Now in the future, one mighty wrestling promotion remains,
00:03:16 its tussling tendrils spread across the world, piping hot bowls of pneumatic pain onto our
00:03:22 screens and into our hearts. Only the strongest servos will survive. Welcome to CBW. Welcome to
00:03:31 Cyber Battle Wars. [CBW cheering]
00:03:46 Welcome everyone to Cyber Battle Wars and welcome to another episode of Heavy Metal.
00:03:53 Prepare yourselves as these robotic wrestlers clash inside and always inside the ropes in the
00:04:00 name of mechs. [Laughter]
00:04:07 Prepare yourselves as these robotic wrestlers clash inside and always inside the ropes in the
00:04:12 name of mechs, machinery and mayhem. Oh yes. Screens across the globe cut now to the image of
00:04:24 a large, burly, muscled wrestler wearing red, white and blue tights, a bandana and sporting a dyed,
00:04:33 blonde English moustache. As the camera zooms out, we see this is a still photo of a man on a poster
00:04:41 and above the image, the words "MASS HYSTERIA" in exciting red and yellow letters. The camera pans
00:04:47 out further and further and we find ourselves in a workshop of sorts. Lolo, please can you describe
00:04:58 the person we see working in this shop and the machine they are working on?
00:05:01 So in the workshop, you have someone who is wearing clothes that used to be considered smart.
00:05:10 They probably were good quality at some point but they are kind of worn down at the knees and
00:05:14 they're ripped apart. They're jeans and a white vest and a corduroy shirt. Their bulging muscles
00:05:23 in their arms are just kind of like piercing the fabric, piercing, pushing the fabric out and they
00:05:29 are leaning over something with care and love and really true focus. The workshop is nice. It's
00:05:36 actually quite good considering the area and there are posters all over the wall commemorating
00:05:45 absolute admiration for someone who is an inspiration to the person that stands over
00:05:51 their beautiful machinery. And can you give us a brief description of this machine itself?
00:05:56 Yeah, I can. It's got yellow legs and they're so yellow. They're like canary yellow, the kind of
00:06:06 yellow that you look at and you feel sick. It's the kind of yellow that people look at and think
00:06:10 that's the colour that people put in children's nurseries because they think that yellow has
00:06:15 anything to do with gender. That kind of yellow. And it's got really, really purple kneecaps and
00:06:24 they are really chunky legs, very industrial. Goes up to the body, still continuing in this
00:06:28 fucking yellow and into these huge, massive, ridiculous industrial arms. And on the end of
00:06:34 the arms are two forklift fingers, hands. I don't know why I'm doing penguin hands.
00:06:39 So two forklift hands. They're like forks, but not forks. In fact, they're like loosely related
00:06:48 to forks. There's a lot of drama over the cutlery relation, but we'll get into that later. And on
00:06:54 the back, there is a circular saw that can be uncovered and used at any moment. And then there's
00:07:00 this huge, massive, giant yellow and purple head. Great. The name of this robot, please.
00:07:07 The fork. The fork. Excellent. A video screen sort of flickers to life on one of the walls and
00:07:17 we suddenly get a clip of the fork's very first match for CBW Wrestling. The steel carbon canine,
00:07:25 Dogmatic, who is a quadrupedal dog-based robot. Can you tell us, please, how you deliver the,
00:07:30 how the fork delivers the finishing blow on Dogmatic? Dogmatic was a real, real son of a
00:07:36 bitch. So I put the two forks into the centre of that little doggy mess. Shut up. And then split it
00:07:48 wide open by just going, "Pah!" Awesome. Another screen now flickers to life and we see your
00:07:55 23rd match against the agricultural automaton, Transfarmer. He's a large, square-shouldered
00:08:02 robot, still wearing denim dungarees, chewing a piece of cabling in his mouth. "Oh, I'm gonna
00:08:09 crop the floor with you," he says, shaking his fist. Tell us how you deliver the finishing blow
00:08:13 to Transfarmer. It's like Farmergeddon all over again. So, the finishing blow to Transfarmer is
00:08:23 a forklift to... Transfarmer. Transfarmer. Christ alive. The people around here wouldn't be too
00:08:30 impressed with that. So I put either side of the fork over what I can only imagine is the head-ish
00:08:37 side of the robot. And then it gets the necks in between the fork and then I lift it off and it
00:08:42 flies off somewhere else. Awesome. You'll now see another screen flicker to life. Your 57th match
00:08:49 against the silicon soldier, Netcracker, dressed up to look like a toy soldier. Tell us how you
00:08:57 deliver the finishing blow to Netcracker. So he looks like a toy soldier? He looks like a toy
00:09:02 soldier, but he's a robot. Okay, cool. So a toy soldier with one of those flappy mouths? Yes,
00:09:08 for cracking nuts. Yeah, for cracking nuts. So I just put my forklift into his mouth and then I
00:09:15 twist it that way, it snaps off and then that is the first bit of it. And then I'm dramatically
00:09:22 coming up with the second bit. God, creativity is hard when you're at home. And then I forklift
00:09:28 between his legs and then spread them wide open and then crack them either way. Smash. Another
00:09:34 screen burst into life for your 74th match against the gigabyte gunslinger, Screenshot,
00:09:40 who wields his two robotic six shooters and says, "Allow me to improve your gun time,"
00:09:45 and starts firing at you. Tell us how you deliver the finishing blow to Screenshot.
00:09:49 All right, so I'm just like, ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting
00:09:54 with my amazing fork ham. I don't know if you noticed, they're really amazing. And then I'm
00:09:59 going to spin round and turn on my electric saw and just reverse into him, sawing him completely
00:10:05 in two. Awesome. Okay, and a fifth screen snaps into life for your 86th match, an 86th victory
00:10:15 against the red hot resistor, Firewall, who's this short but very squat robot with wheels instead of
00:10:22 legs who is just moving on this pivoting axis of a body, blasting hot jets of flame from these huge
00:10:29 flame throwers in each hand. Time to burn some data. Okay, right. I tear off one of my oil pipes
00:10:40 in my arm and I let the fuel leak all around them so as soon as they set off their own fire,
00:10:46 they just go up straight in flames themselves. The robot bursts into flames and melts into a
00:10:51 pile of slag and circuits. And finally... It's a poorly designed thing.
00:10:56 Finally, your 99th match and 99th consecutive victory against the jaws of defeat,
00:11:02 Bitemare, who is literally just a huge metallic shark's mouth on wheels, whose jaws are closing
00:11:09 down on you as your two forklifts drift the top jaw and the bottom jaw and try to stop these huge
00:11:13 metallic teeth from crushing you into pieces. How would you deliver the finishing blow on Bitemare?
00:11:17 I turn on my electric saw but I fly myself into the mouth and I'm almost like I want to get
00:11:25 swallowed. So I just like have the forks and just dive in like this and then my electric saw just
00:11:33 goes down their throat and it works like a dream. And then the jaws of Bitemare smash open, leaving
00:11:46 you standing victorious in the center and the crystal clear voice of the Announcebot speaks out
00:11:52 "Winning their 99th victory, the fork!" And the synthetic sounds of a non-existent audience
00:12:03 are piped through the empty arena and nobody cheers loudly for you as people at home lose their
00:12:09 shit. And then we briefly linger once more on this muscle-bound figure working away on the metallic
00:12:19 body of fork in this workshop and then we fade to black. And then the screen now fades up on
00:12:30 a different scene, a very plain background as a smooth voice rings out "And now a brief word from
00:12:38 one of CBW's most generous investors." And as the image comes into focus we see a large
00:12:52 luxurious armchair in a large luxurious drawing room. On the wall above the fireplace is a
00:13:01 painting of a very serious, very imposing looking man. And Adam, can you tell us who we see seated
00:13:07 in this armchair please? Certainly. You see the one, the only, the bad kid of the robotics scene.
00:13:16 It's Piston Fairmont, heir to the great Fairmont Robotics. He is wrapped in the dazzle, wears a
00:13:27 beautiful shirt. I think you could probably describe him in four simple words. Genius,
00:13:32 billionaire, playboy, really really likes robots.
00:13:44 I believe Piston, yeah Piston, the mic is yours.
00:13:50 Oh hello, I did see you there. I have an extensive security system.
00:13:58 I was just polishing my noble peace fist for robot fighting. Let's see now, my father wanted
00:14:05 me to welcome you to the show. Let's see what he wanted me to say. When my father created Fairmont
00:14:13 Robotics he had a vision of a cleaner world. One where man can fulfill his greatest potential
00:14:21 uninhibited by the flesh. My father never really liked flesh that much. I think he was missing out
00:14:25 personally. Fairmont Robotics has transformed the world. When all functions can be carried out by
00:14:32 our robo friends, the air is cleaner, the streets are safer. Well there's no one on them of course
00:14:38 they are. And we've all transcended to a new cyber world, a better world of thought and untold
00:14:45 possibilities blah blah thesaurus.com. Pointers, it all comes down to this. This is the F chip,
00:14:56 my father's masterpiece. It's this that provides the synaptic connection between man and machine.
00:15:07 It's this that turns thought into action and upon all of this billions of lives revolve.
00:15:15 Mass humanity, mass thought, mass action, the F chip. Of course my father had dreams of mechanized
00:15:26 environmental rehabilitation, a total unmanning of warfare blah blah blah but it was pissed in
00:15:30 Fairmont who said let's take the F chip and use it to make robots fight. Now of course people
00:15:36 might think that this is very expensive and it is. Not every household can have an F chip,
00:15:42 not everyone's as privileged as the Fairmont. But you know what I say to that? Life isn't fair.
00:15:48 Life's Fairmont. Cheers, especially all you boys at Incorporated Incorporated.
00:15:59 And with that the image fades on pissed in Fairmont, lingering just for a moment on the
00:16:06 glint of his beautiful sunglasses and one can only assume pristine teeth.
00:16:11 And we now cut as screens around the world watching Cyber Battle Wars cut to the familiar
00:16:20 site of the Cyber Battle Wars arena, a huge circle squared where these robot wrestlers
00:16:26 will be doing their wrangling. The familiar voice of the announcer rings out over the over screens
00:16:31 and speakers across the country and across the world. Making its way to the ring,
00:16:38 hailing from New Surrey, the billionaire playbot.
00:16:45 That's my robot by the way. The billionaire playbot is, imagine if a Ferrari was a wrestler.
00:16:56 It's absolutely immaculate. It's completely white, of course. It strides into the arena
00:17:03 with the confidence of a man who plays cricket for a living. He has beautifully pleated, like
00:17:10 bone straight metal casing around the around the legs. There's some sort of odd synthetic fabric
00:17:17 that looks almost like a kind of a cricket jumper with beautiful golden piping around the around
00:17:24 the sleeves. And there's seems to be some sort of like very like scarlet electrical wiring around
00:17:30 the the neck of the robot. It looks like a cravat. The hair of the robot, it's all real
00:17:38 imported orphan hair and it's parted in a beautiful slicked back side parting. It looks absolutely
00:17:47 amazing. It's worth several trillion dollars and of course it's powered by this baby. So it's got
00:17:52 a leg up on everything. So as you wait in the center of the ring, more music blasts out a
00:17:57 different piece of music that sounds quite similar to yours but just maybe not quite as good. Making
00:18:04 their way to the ring, also hailing from New Surrey, the millionaire fun robot. Storming arms,
00:18:15 moving left, right, left, right, very, very stiff, very formal is a shining chrome robot wearing or
00:18:25 whose chassis has been made out to resemble a an Armani suit. You know, neat lapels, a double
00:18:32 breasted blazer, some smart looking shiny gloves. There is a very tiny, very thin, curled waxed
00:18:40 mustache made out of steel wire curling around the head of this smiling, pretty handsome, I guess,
00:18:49 all things considered, gentleman robot. Piston, on your vid screen from your remote control room,
00:18:58 you see a face, the familiar, fresh, cheeky, arrogant face of your not even really business
00:19:05 rival, but definitely business contemporary, Archie Incorporated of the Incorporated family.
00:19:12 Ha, Fairmont, jolly good show, eh? Can't wait to tussle in the ring with you, eh?
00:19:18 Emperor's burning rules. Can the chit chat, Archie. Let's make this quick. I have meetings
00:19:23 to attend. Oh, come now. Come now, Piston. I'm sure you can find a little bit of time to talk
00:19:29 shop with a fellow roboticist. Archie, I think if I'm the time is money, which means that
00:19:35 then yes, I would have all the time. So hang on. I need to look and then I just punch.
00:19:41 The electronic buzz of the bell rings out across the arena and your beautiful
00:19:51 robotic robot fist collides with the face of Archie Incorporated's millionaire fun robot,
00:20:00 curling one of his curled steel wire moustache curls back against his face as the robot stumbles
00:20:06 back a couple of steps. What are you doing?
00:20:10 Okay, I'm in control. I'm going to pat the robot. When I'm talking about myself, I guess I'm
00:20:20 talking about what the robot is doing or am I directing the robot?
00:20:22 Because of the F-chip, you just described what the robot is doing.
00:20:27 Certainly. So I reached down and placed a hand firmly on the millionaire fun bot.
00:20:34 Millionaire fun robot. I raise him to his feet. I dust him down and then I offer him a handshake.
00:20:43 It says, "No hard feelings, Zolbin. Put her there."
00:20:47 I'd like you to roll on look, please, to see if you can convince him.
00:20:51 My look is plus one. I'm a charming mother. That is nine. Of course it is.
00:20:57 Oh, I must say I was a little taken aback by that sucker punch, but I suppose classic piston,
00:21:04 put her there, old chum. And Archie's robot reaches out its chrome hand to you.
00:21:09 Does the arena have a ceiling?
00:21:11 It is a vaulted ceiling. It's incredibly high.
00:21:16 Excellent. As soon as the hands connect, the jet propulsions in my robot's feet launch us both
00:21:24 into the sky. And then once we reach the crest of our velocity, I drop him scar-like.
00:21:33 Because you're not a flying robot, this is going to be a work roll to see if you can pull this off.
00:21:40 I may not be a flying robot, but I'm an expensive robot. My work is plus one.
00:21:46 And that is eight.
00:21:48 Yes. So your jet propulsion, the little jet propulsion
00:21:52 rockets in the bottom of your robot boosts start to lift you up. We'll have to say because
00:21:56 you've all picked a very specific robot power and you are not a flight-based robot,
00:22:03 we're going to say you only managed to raise about maybe a robot's height, which is still
00:22:07 a significant good sort of, let's say eight to 10 feet or so off the ground, enough to get the huge
00:22:13 bulk, because all of these robots are big, massive bulky things, enough distance off the future mat
00:22:20 that's allow you to drop him. You're basically doing a jet boot pile driver.
00:22:23 I'm going to drop him so that he lands and then I'm going to do something.
00:22:28 Okay. So he lands. Sure. Absolutely. You drop him and with a familiar clank, boom,
00:22:33 he hits the base of the mat.
00:22:34 Then I'm going to hit the big cache, which is like a big splash.
00:22:40 But basically I just land my robot's full weight on it.
00:22:43 That is going to be a power roll for the big cache.
00:22:47 Power roll. Oh, that's minus one.
00:22:50 That would be snake eyes.
00:22:55 So as your robot sort of tilts into a horizontal plane in order to perform the big cache and drop
00:23:08 full body on Archie's robot, you're not a flying robot and you just don't count for the continued
00:23:14 propulsion of your boots, which causes you to then jet past him moving in a horizontal direction
00:23:19 towards the edge of the circle squared. This gives Archie the opportunity to get up on both feet,
00:23:24 grab you by the ankles and start to swing you round and around and around as his waist just
00:23:30 starts moving 360 on this very smooth robot axle. He swings you around and around and around.
00:23:37 "Here we go around. Here we go around again, piston, zing."
00:23:44 That's a good one liner. Which one of the seat sniffers at the lab taught you that one?
00:23:49 Derek.
00:23:53 What are you doing? You're being spun around by Archie Incorporated. What are you doing?
00:24:00 All right. I'm going to, I cock my fist and I aim it at Archie's head to uncork the Chateau Le Fist
00:24:12 1869, which is when my fist shoots out like a champagne cork. It's named after Piston's
00:24:20 favorite ludicrously expensive wine. I am going to let you roll and look on that because it's
00:24:24 very pissed and famed. Luke plus one. That's six bollocks. I'm going to...
00:24:35 So once per match, you have your re-rolls once per match because this is a two match card of
00:24:39 everybody. Once per match, you can do both your roll re-roll and your gimmick re-roll.
00:24:44 Okay. My gimmick re-roll is I'm the golden boy. What's the gimmick re-roll on that?
00:24:50 Your gimmick re-roll I think is to embrace the future.
00:24:55 Embrace the future. Okay. Well, I'm going to say that I am embracing the future where there's only
00:25:04 one robotics company in the world and that is Fairmont Robotics. I am becoming heir apparent
00:25:12 in my father's eyes. I think, I assume that my dad must love robot fighting and that I will be
00:25:18 making him proud and sealing my place in the pantheon of robotic greats. How's that for you,
00:25:24 DM? Can you give me a little bit more?
00:25:26 No, I'm done. That is, I mean, that's what's going through your head, but it needs to be,
00:25:33 you need to tell me how your action is you embracing the future, like how what you were doing
00:25:36 to get yourself out of the situation is embracing the future. Other than just,
00:25:40 I see a future where I win. So I implement an untested turbo charge of the F chip. It's risky.
00:25:51 It's incredibly dangerous. My father strongly advised against it, but I've been tinkering.
00:25:57 I've been tinkering with this, trying to forge my own legacy in the ring. I have been, I've been
00:26:02 working. I've been doing some upgrades, some patches, tech words, you know. So I'm going to
00:26:08 try and turbo charge my F chip to try and get myself out of the situation.
00:26:12 Terrific. Yeah, you can do reroll on that. I'll allow that.
00:26:15 Fantastic. Look plus one. Bang! That's 10.
00:26:20 That's 10. Take us through. Take us through the move, the shadow nerfed.
00:26:25 So engaging the F chip as I am, the kind of this surge of adrenaline in my body overloads my
00:26:33 robot's circuits and it unclasps at the wrist and this huge fist, immaculate, heavy, solid steel
00:26:43 fist shoots out and clatters with Archie's millionaire fun robot. And I would assume that
00:26:56 he is disoriented enough to drop me. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. As soon as that,
00:27:01 as soon as that fist connects, the grip on the fun robot is released from your robo ankle.
00:27:06 And yeah, the billionaire fun robot is dazed as much as a robot can be dazed. It is computationally
00:27:12 disorientated as it staggers around the mattress. I'm going to kick the robot in its balls,
00:27:20 I want to say, and go for my privilege pile driver. Go for it. That is going to be,
00:27:28 for a kick in the balls. Oh, fine. That is so incredibly piston. You can roll on look for that
00:27:34 as well. Lovely. Plus one. That is seven. Just about. It's actually quite hard to get bearing
00:27:42 on where the balls are because the robot is ball bearing. Ball bearing. Ball bearing.
00:27:49 Okay. Let's pretend we thought of this all along. It's quite hard to get your ball bearings.
00:27:58 But you successfully managed to do it just as the billionaire fun robot, the millionaire fun robot
00:28:02 turns to face you. You hoof your robo foot or the billionaire playboy hoofs its robo foot right up
00:28:09 into the robo groin of the fun robot and it collapses to the ground. It is now ready for
00:28:15 you to hit your, what I assume is your finisher. No, this is, this is a setup to my finisher.
00:28:20 Okay. This is my signature move. So the privilege pile driver, jam his leg,
00:28:24 his head between my legs, lift up again, a slight boost from my jet propelled, my jet propelled
00:28:29 buttocks, which gives me a little lift in the air and then slam right down on top of the head
00:28:35 of the millionaire fun robot. You can roll on. Oh, that is, that is a power move for the, it's a,
00:28:42 it's a, it's a pile driver. That's got to be a power move. I'm afraid. All right. All right. It
00:28:47 is, uh, Ooh, that, that gives me a three. Three. Unfortunately, again, as, as that little bit of,
00:28:56 little bit of boost comes again, it's not something you're able to get a grip of.
00:28:58 And once again, you lose, you lose handle on the, uh, the millionaire fun robot.
00:29:04 And I would like to do a reroll, please. Okay. Are you doing your re-roll?
00:29:09 Yes. So, uh, as I, as I reached down and, and pick up, uh, the, the robot, uh, tiny little
00:29:17 pincers in my robots hands, uh, start severing wires, uh, around the neck of the millionaire,
00:29:24 uh, fun robot, uh, interfering with, uh, with another robots mechanics is deeply frowned upon.
00:29:31 Uh, but I am trying to sever as many of the kind of connective cords as I can, basically trying
00:29:36 to get an unfair leg up on Archie. Go for it. Um, make that reroll.
00:29:41 Superb. Uh, that is a seven just.
00:29:46 Just. Um, so this is, again, this is, um, because this is such an underhanded move that you have to
00:29:54 do is an awful lot of precision and care to keep it out of the, um, out of the vid screens of the
00:29:59 robo refs. Um, but you successfully do in these little pincers come out and they start cutting
00:30:03 away at the wires. And as soon as they do the, uh, the, the, the flimsy connection that is keeping
00:30:07 the, this inferior piece of machinery up and running starts to fail. And you just see the
00:30:13 millionaire fun robots start to drop to its knees and quiver and twitch and little sparks and things
00:30:19 start to buzz out of it. And it just ends up, it is, it is literally prone on the mat at this point.
00:30:24 Um, you see, you see the eyes of, uh, Archie incorporated like bulge, um, in your communication
00:30:29 screen. No, no, no, that's, um, that's, that's jolly. That's jolly unfair. Piston. Now we,
00:30:34 we, we all love a good laugh, but come on now, come on now, piston.
00:30:38 Uh, I, uh, I look as I look up into the, into the cameras and I, I tell Archie, uh, suck a dick,
00:30:49 fuck dad. And then I go in for my, uh, finisher, which is the wealth grab.
00:30:56 Oh, wealth grab by which I mean, I, uh, I lock in a, a, uh, a camel clutch. Uh, but as I do so,
00:31:03 uh, little kind of wires seep out from the hands, uh, they enter into, uh, my opponent's inner
00:31:11 workings and pump it full of molten palladium, which is an incredibly expensive metal, the most
00:31:17 expensive metal in the world. Uh, but it comes up their internal workings, renders their robot
00:31:21 completely inert. And it's the most ludicrously expensive way of doing that. Okay. Oh, okay. Um,
00:31:27 I w I would say for that, um, for that, uh, is there a modifier if it's my finisher?
00:31:34 If it's, Oh, it's your finisher. No, I suppose if you're finished,
00:31:38 that is just a straight two D six with no re-rolls available to you.
00:31:42 Come on, wealth grab.
00:31:43 Another snickers.
00:31:53 Oh dear. Well, this has never happened to me before. It must be cold in here.
00:32:02 So this is, this is what's going to happen. Um, you, you managed to maneuver the billionaire
00:32:09 playboy around to get into that, um, that camouflage position. You start to pump, um,
00:32:14 all of this expensive, um, molten palladium into your opponent and it starts to flow into the
00:32:20 really disappointing robot of the really rather disappointing Archie incorporated.
00:32:24 However, you being a, an ostentatious man who likes to flaunt his wealth.
00:32:28 I think it's not unreasonable to assume that you bought an awful lot of molten palladium just to
00:32:35 show that you could. In fact, the amount you calculated was a little bit too much and it does
00:32:40 flow into the body of, um, the, uh, the millionaire play robot and does cause the body just to sort of
00:32:47 seize up and sort of melt from the inside out. But it also spills out into yours and you find the
00:32:52 limbs and the arms and the body of the billionaire playboy seizing up, uh, your, your, your ability
00:32:58 to control it, uh, the, the F chip is still working fine. You can still speak to and communicate,
00:33:02 but it isn't responding to your commands as its joints are starting to seize up from this
00:33:05 metal that's leaking back into it. Um, for the time being, uh, that is going to be a minus one
00:33:13 penalty on everything you do. Add a minus one to every single stat you've got just for now.
00:33:17 But that said, you are still functional and the body of Archie incorporated is flooded with
00:33:25 palladium and still cannot move. Um, the whole world is watching. What are you doing, Piston?
00:33:32 Uh, well, I am furious, obviously about this. I've been embarrassed in front of the world,
00:33:37 my dad, the two are fundamentally the same. Um, I, so I decided to do, uh, what, um, what I always
00:33:45 do after my match, but even more aggressive it's time for murder and acquisitions. So I just start
00:33:51 ripping apart the, the robot and like salvaging all of that kind of it's innards and, and sort of
00:33:57 like start to strap them to my own robot. I'm taking trophies. Uh, I am kind of ripping this,
00:34:04 this kind of this passion project of Archie incorporated. I am tearing it apart. Yeah,
00:34:09 this is inferior tech. I ripped the wires. I kind of buckle the chest plates. I turn on my jet
00:34:19 propulsors and I start melting the inside so that it cannot be salvaged for a future match. Burn,
00:34:25 burn, because you're nothing. No, Piston, please, please, please, everyone who isn't a Fairmont is
00:34:31 nothing. And on that, you hear a heavy steam clank of another robot approaching for the
00:34:41 top of the ramp. And Luke, please, can you introduce your robot to us?
00:34:48 This is, this is the Kremlin Crusader. It is a robot that is made up of various different things
00:34:57 that I have salvaged from scrap yards. And I would have no money of my own with, as you can tell,
00:35:03 I'm Russian due to my flawless accent. And it is made up of a huge TV monitor as the face and the
00:35:10 chest is the top of a tank with the turret pointing downwards. The right arm is a F, a K-A-50
00:35:19 helicopter with rotating blade. The left arm is the Moscow metro train. The right leg is a battleship
00:35:28 and the left leg is the rocket launcher casing that we used in Good Wars. And I step forward to
00:35:36 look you dead in the eyes. Just what the hell are you supposed to be?
00:35:43 I do not come here for glory. I do not come here for victory, for money, for the wealth that you
00:35:55 have stolen. I simply come here for a much greater, much more important purpose. My legacy.
00:36:06 A legacy that is not yours.
00:36:12 What do you know of legacy? My name is known across the globe. My technology is in every
00:36:22 corner of every marketplace. I am this generation of robotics and robotics is the world's legacy.
00:36:32 I launched myself at him. I've had a really rough afternoon and I can't be doing with this.
00:36:39 What are you doing? How are you launching yourself, Adam?
00:36:42 I'm going to try and wrap my hands around his head and start cutting at his wires.
00:36:51 That is going to be... cutting his wires. I'm going to say that is a...
00:36:55 That can be... we'll say work for that, I think, because it's finickety work. You're trying to
00:37:04 cut away the wires. You can roll and work for this. Certainly. Though minus one penalty means
00:37:08 I'm working with a zero. That's a eight. That's an eight. Okay. These... instantly,
00:37:16 these very expensive tiny little blades start cutting through the wires in your
00:37:19 robot body, Kremlin Crusader. You start to feel your motor skills slow and disorient slightly.
00:37:29 What are you doing? So in the vid screen in Piston's little place that he is operating from,
00:37:39 I'm going to try and psych him out for a quick moment.
00:37:43 Okay. How are you going to do that? By holding up an F chip.
00:37:48 Okay. I'm going to say... let's have a... okay. Let me quickly check this out.
00:37:58 Okay. This is going to be a contested look roll to see if you managed to psych him out or not.
00:38:06 I'm rolling with zero again. I have an eight.
00:38:12 Nine. I'm psyched out.
00:38:15 Yeah. So Piston, the sight of an F chip in someone else's hands, impossible. Impossible.
00:38:23 You are completely taken aback by this, giving you an opportunity. What are you doing, Kremlin?
00:38:27 I've seen the way that you fight. And now I suggest that we fight fair and red square.
00:38:36 And with that, I stick my robot six into two arms out and start spinning. So the middle portion,
00:38:44 we start spinning for the vodka revolution. It's like Zangief's spinning lariat move.
00:38:51 Amazing. So boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. These very cheap scrapyard robotic fists keep smacking
00:38:58 you across your pristine chromatic jaw over and over and over and over again. You're being knocked
00:39:04 back. You're getting seven shades of something bashed out of your robot skull. What are you doing,
00:39:10 Piston? I'm going to have to activate my robot's
00:39:12 special power, which is the unseen one percent. I'm going to turn invisible.
00:39:17 You're going to roll on...
00:39:19 [LAUGHTER]
00:39:23 You're going to be rolling power for that because that is your robot power.
00:39:26 Oh no, but that's minus two, Tom. Oh shag. That is five.
00:39:34 [LAUGHTER]
00:39:36 So your whole body starts to shimmer and disappear from sight as you go from
00:39:44 opaque to translucent to transparent to the point where you are completely 100 percent invisible.
00:39:51 I'll tell you what's not invisible, though, is the palladium that leaked back into your body.
00:39:55 And the outline of this palladium robo-skeleton is now completely in the sight line of the Kremlin
00:40:01 crusader. Kremlin, what are you doing?
00:40:03 Allow me to putin you in your place. And I grabbed the outline of him because I can't
00:40:10 see where he is and lift him up onto my shoulders to do the Dynamo Valley Driver
00:40:15 and drive him into the mat.
00:40:17 Ooh, OK. Kremlin crusader, the Dynamo Valley Driver. The driver, as a pile driver,
00:40:24 that is going to be a power move.
00:40:26 Oh, bollocks. That was a terrible decision.
00:40:31 What's your power?
00:40:32 Minus two. So that would be a total of three.
00:40:35 Yay!
00:40:36 You lift him up. But in your robot, Sulek, internal calculations, it did not compensate
00:40:43 for the added weight of all this additional palladium, which is a very heavy metal.
00:40:47 And you lose grip of the billionaire playbot as you get him over your shoulder and you fall
00:40:56 onto your back with the playbot now on top. Pist, what are you doing?
00:41:01 I'd like to leave. Can I leave?
00:41:03 Roll on, coward. No, let's see. You can roll and look for that for sure.
00:41:10 All right. So zero modifier. Six.
00:41:16 Six.
00:41:17 I want to go.
00:41:18 So you're on top of the Kremlin crusader. You managed to get to your feet and you use this
00:41:24 motor advantage to try to run, but you're not quite fast enough. Kremlin, what are you doing?
00:41:30 If at first you don't succeed, Russian roulette is not the game for you.
00:41:34 I am then going to, as he leaves, grab him to do the side American leg sweep,
00:41:40 because in Mother Russia, they do not allow moves to be named after Russian.
00:41:45 And that will... Oh, sorry. What was the...
00:41:49 Leg sweep will give you a work for leg sweep for sure.
00:41:52 Ah, sweet. Because that will be nine.
00:41:55 Boom, your leg sweeps underneath the expensive, much more expensive than your leg, expensive legs
00:42:00 of Piston Fairmont and his robot falls to the mat. There's a crack and a groan and some more...
00:42:07 You can see the side of some more molten palladium start to leak out of some cracks in the body.
00:42:11 Yeah, you're still in control for this.
00:42:13 If you want to play dirty, then so be it. And I activate...
00:42:24 I activate my robot's special ability. So it sort of stands there and the top of it opens up ever so
00:42:30 slightly and another robot jumps out of it. And then the chest of that one opens up and another
00:42:38 robot jumps out. And from out of that one, the chest opens and another robot jumps out. These
00:42:44 are the Russian dolls. Hammer, Sickle and the Red Star.
00:42:50 [LAUGHTER]
00:42:56 So I sort of control all of them to start to grab at different limbs. And I grab at the other limb
00:43:02 to activate my finishing move, the submission, the Tap Triss, which is a submission basically
00:43:09 I want you to try and give up because you do not want your robots to be too destroyed as I try to
00:43:14 rip it apart.
00:43:17 Okay, so that is going to be, if you're finished, just a straight 2D6 roll.
00:43:20 I'm going to use a re-roll because this is...
00:43:27 Smeg, it is... One second.
00:43:29 You've got your face for standing up for what you believe in. And then you've got your gimmick,
00:43:36 which is carving out a name for yourself.
00:43:39 That's it. Yes. Well, I'm standing for what I believe in because I do not like the way that
00:43:42 this man operates. I do not like the way that he's using the F-chip for this fairly pointless sport.
00:43:48 And I want to stop him because this chip is designed for greater use.
00:43:53 And I believe that it has a much greater purpose.
00:43:56 All right, Dad.
00:43:57 Your dad was a great man.
00:44:01 Eight!
00:44:05 Eight. Then take us through your finisher, please, and just how painful it is.
00:44:10 So Hammer, with his hammer hands, sort of operates and starts smashing at one arm.
00:44:17 Sickle, with his sickle hands, sickles away at the other arm.
00:44:22 Red Star, who is a star-shaped robot, just sort of rolls up and down one of the legs,
00:44:26 sort of like just being a real nuisance, while the Kremling Crusader, with a K,
00:44:33 grabs at the other leg to sort of tear it apart while yelling,
00:44:38 "Now tap, submit! You are weak compared to my robot!"
00:44:42 And with that, with the shredding of the Red Star and with the pounding of everything,
00:44:47 Pratt-Piston, you feel your robot, an already heavily damaged robot, break and fall apart.
00:44:53 Yes.
00:44:54 Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
00:44:57 I don't want him to break my robot anymore. I want to go home.
00:45:01 Just before the robot is... just before the work these little robots are doing,
00:45:06 and it reduces you to just a pile of scrap,
00:45:09 you are still just about... the billionaire player is just about put together enough to tap out.
00:45:13 And with that tap, "Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz!"
00:45:16 That's not a horrible sound. We'll just go with "ding" again.
00:45:17 "Ding, ding, ding, ding!"
00:45:20 The electronic bell rings.
00:45:22 "Your winner, the mystery entrant!"
00:45:28 Yeah, the synthetic crowd cheers.
00:45:32 And then, all of a sudden, the lights in the arena go out entirely,
00:45:40 until there are just two spots directly top lighting both of your robots.
00:45:44 The Futur-Tron, the screen of the Futur-Tron above the ramp, bursts into life,
00:45:50 and you see the shape of a quantum wave appear
00:45:54 as it moves and takes form and reacts to the sound of a robotic voice ringing out.
00:46:01 "Un-eck-cept-able!"
00:46:04 "You will be taken downstairs to resolve this!"
00:46:15 And then two circular platforms start to revolve underneath where your robots are,
00:46:21 and before you can even react, you sink down below the arena and out of sight.
00:46:30 There's a brief pause in darkness, and then the lights back on,
00:46:36 the soundless synthetic crowd back into the speakers,
00:46:40 and then the Futur-Tron bursts to life once more.
00:46:44 Laurie, I would like you to take us on a historical retrospective
00:46:51 of the career of a particular wrestler, if you would be so kind.
00:46:55 Okay, so what appears on screen is a highlight reel of one man's accomplishments in wrestling.
00:47:02 We start out with this bronzed god making his way down to the ring with his bleach blonde
00:47:07 English moustache. He's the top face in the company playing to a massive audience.
00:47:11 He's slamming the biggest guy, he's raising the belts, he's performing on the biggest stages
00:47:16 before hopping over to the other biggest company and being the top face there.
00:47:20 He has a brief heel turn, he comes back, he's like the peak of his game,
00:47:26 until the moment he isn't in these clips.
00:47:28 And there's a brief second of him starting to falter, starting to lose his armour down with
00:47:33 spiral, and he makes a decision. We see him in a chair with all these wires sticking out of a
00:47:39 metal helmet and seeming energy being transferred from the wires coming from him and into a
00:47:46 supercomputer style setup. We then see those same wires the other side downloading information,
00:47:53 blue energy trickling out into a black box recorder. That black box is then plugged in,
00:48:00 the lights light up in the eyes of this robot that looks conspicuously quite like the man.
00:48:05 He then, basically we get the exact same montage in reverse. We get, sorry, just again,
00:48:13 we just get him the top of the company, slamming the biggest robot he can find.
00:48:17 We get him holding all the title belts, we get a brief jaunt where he goes to Japan and is really
00:48:22 big over there because they have robot wrestling there where he fights heated seated toilets or
00:48:26 whatever it is. We get a brief period where he forms the NWD, the New World Droider with two
00:48:33 other robots. We then get to his big feud with his arch nemesis, Mecha Man, Andrew Vicious,
00:48:40 and the Mecha Powers are formed. The Mecha Powers literally explode because of a fuel
00:48:44 uplink problem. And then we get to this moment at the end of the montage where thousands of wins,
00:48:51 we are being bombarded with hundreds of thousands of images of this guy, this robot over the years,
00:48:57 winning, staying on top, being victorious. Each time his hand is raised, there's that gleam in
00:49:02 the eyes of like this bright blue gleam of the robot. And then over time that seems to dull,
00:49:09 each hand raised. And the last image is the robot with his arm raised, the man with his arm raised,
00:49:14 standing side by side. And you can tell that the robot looks more sad. The Future Tron cuts out
00:49:20 and making their way to the stage, hailing from the University of Kent, the Fork!
00:49:31 So there is a robot bigger than all the other robots. It's not the Fork, it's a really,
00:49:37 really big robot that is dressed like a dinner lady. And she's got the cutlery jaw. And then
00:49:43 she's like trying to find, obviously, a fork, but all she can find is spoons. It's really
00:49:48 stressful route. And then she just tips the whole thing out and out of this giant cutlery jaw,
00:49:54 drops a very yellow, industrial, fork-lipped hand, useful student from the University of Kent,
00:50:02 which is not a fact that I forgot that I had told you was a part of this character, but that's fine.
00:50:07 And then they storm down into the ring. Their robot is as shiny as possible. The fork is as
00:50:14 shiny as possible, but has been completely scruffed and cuffed and the paint is worn and torn. And
00:50:21 at one point, they do just walk on their fork-lipped hands, like a little forky handstand,
00:50:29 and it's great. And then they get into the ring of doom and joy.
00:50:35 Yeah, the circle squared. So you stand there in the centre of the circle squared and the
00:50:39 Futurotron burst into life again with the number 99 on it. Would you like to make your demand?
00:50:46 Holy shit, yes. Yes, I do. I do. I have proven my worth. It's absolutely incredible. But I don't
00:50:56 give a fork about any wrestler in this, anyone in this competition. There's only one who I
00:51:05 want to fight in my knife. And that is the incredible and amazing Maxwell. I feel this
00:51:17 has to happen. Spoon. Otherwise, there's no point. But what's pronged with this demand?
00:51:29 Okay, so the shape of a quantum wave appears once again.
00:51:36 And the wave moves to the sound of this robotic voice.
00:51:46 Fork, win your 100th match. And you will be granted a chance in the ring with
00:52:01 the immortal mass Maxwell. And then the screen shuts off.
00:52:14 Making their way to the ring, hailing from the four corners of the earth. For warning.
00:52:23 Striding down the ramp now is a huge, huge even for a robot. Chrome steel,
00:52:40 chrome steel giant wearing a sort of a metallic, a red metallic cape made out of some kind of
00:52:46 almost metallic fabric. The head is almost entirely smooth, like chrome smooth, except for a
00:52:54 red metallic Mohawk sticking out the top. They step down. And then as soon as they reach the
00:53:01 bottom of the ramp, shake off this metallic cloak, which clanks to the ground behind them
00:53:05 and bring out two huge metallic arms. And then cross these arms in front of them. And you hear
00:53:15 whirring and movement from the body. And then as the arms stretch out, two more burst out from
00:53:20 behind. And this four arms giant starts shaking its fist at you in this kind of way. This fist
00:53:26 kind of sort of swiveling on the wrists, and the arms are sort of swiveling on the elbows.
00:53:30 And there's just this sort of flurry of smooth forearm motion is just moving around this thing's
00:53:36 body. It throws all four arms into the air, looks up into the high, high vaulted ceiling of the
00:53:43 circle squared, and then drops them to its side. The two arms at the bottom fold, and the top left
00:53:51 arm reaches out, gestures towards you. And then ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, the bell goes.
00:53:59 Okay, so I just want to put my like fork straight round one arm and just tilt it and snap it off.
00:54:05 Oh, roll on power, see how well you do.
00:54:10 Why? It's a robot. It's not like I'm doing the blood in the pus again.
00:54:15 It is a seven plus two, so that's nine.
00:54:21 Amazing. Your forklift shoots in quick as a flash, clamps around one of the arms,
00:54:27 twists it, you hear a clank and a fizz and a tear, and it just drops limb to the side lifeless.
00:54:32 At that point, I'd like you to make a roll on work for me.
00:54:37 Oh, well, that's no fun.
00:54:39 It's five.
00:54:43 Five. Its other arm, its other arm from the bottom set of arms swings around and grabs your
00:54:50 robot around the waist. Its head rears back. You can see the sort of layered pistons in its neck
00:54:58 stretch out as it moves back almost about 90 degrees. And then the head swings forward
00:55:02 with Forewarning's signature forehead butt. And crack, this metal skull connects with yours,
00:55:09 causing you to stagger back as, actually, no, not even stagger back. Forewarning is keeping a grip
00:55:14 around your body with its arm and leans its head back again for another crack. What are you doing?
00:55:19 I quickly try and tilt over slightly to pick up the arm that I've just ripped off to put it on
00:55:25 top of my head like a little helmet. So it's currently limp and unfunctioning at the side,
00:55:30 but it's not actually off the body yet. It's just hanging and working on the side.
00:55:34 Can I limp flopper over my head? Yeah, you can still do that. You can roll on.
00:55:38 I guess roll on look for that because it's cosmetic.
00:55:44 Cool. Sure. All right. Okay. That's the two.
00:55:52 That's the two. Yeah, I would say you successfully managed to move the arm over your head,
00:55:59 but it just flops down again. Is that a Snake Eyes or is that a modified two or a Snake Eyes?
00:56:05 No, no, no, that's a modified two. Okay, cool. I mean, the arm just simply flops down again. And
00:56:12 the arm that is gripped around your body takes a tighter hold against your waist and the two
00:56:17 upper arms grab each of the arms by the wrist and start to pull the arms of the fork out and up.
00:56:24 I forecast pain in your future. And just starts tugging and tugging. Okay,
00:56:31 so no one didn't get that. I forecast pain in your future.
00:56:35 Just starts tugging. I heard it.
00:56:38 Yeah, just thought, just for people in the back seats.
00:56:41 It's all right. All your puns are going to get the same reaction, babe. It's fine.
00:56:45 And yeah, just starts tugging and tugging and tugging on your arms. You feel what you don't feel,
00:56:50 but you can sense on the readouts on your screen, these warning signs as the connections between
00:56:57 the robot's body and the robot's arms start to get damaged. And it's just tugging,
00:57:02 tugging, tugging. What are you doing? I am going to kick my legs out and drop
00:57:07 onto my bum attempting to roll this robot over me.
00:57:11 Let's work.
00:57:12 Your work.
00:57:15 Fair.
00:57:17 Eight.
00:57:18 Eight. Fantastic. Yeah. You managed to take advantage of the momentum of the fact that
00:57:24 with its upper arms working, one of its bottom arms not, there is actually more force and more
00:57:30 momentum in the upper part of the body, which you can manipulate to slide yourself underneath
00:57:35 forewarning and get forewarning onto the floor. Briefly, what are you doing?
00:57:39 So forewarning's gone over and is onto the floor. Have they rolled over from me? That's
00:57:43 what I was trying to do. Like if they rolled off me, are they still holding onto me?
00:57:47 So I would say forewarning is currently on its back on the ground, but still holding onto your,
00:57:51 still holding onto the torso of your robot with its right arm. So you're in control. You're
00:57:58 basically, if this is MMA, you're basically mounting them right now.
00:58:00 What I'm going to do is I'm going to put my fork hands into the ground and I'm going to lift
00:58:04 myself up as much as possible to slam my body back down into them.
00:58:07 Okay. That's a power roll for sure.
00:58:10 Sweet! Fuck yeah!
00:58:12 Fuck! Oh no. Seven!
00:58:18 What? Seven? Okay. Yeah. Fantastic. You rear back, you slam, yeah, you slam your body and
00:58:27 your forearms back into forewarning. That's enough to get its arm to let go of you. It is now,
00:58:32 forewarning is still lying on the mat. You are completely free and completely released at this
00:58:36 point. Okay, cool. At this point then I get back onto my feet and I'm just going to drop down,
00:58:42 body slam them again. That is another power roll.
00:58:45 I'm leaning on power there. Fucking love power.
00:58:48 Wait. Oh. Six.
00:58:54 Six. So as you go in for the body slam, quick as a flash, forewarning sits upright,
00:59:01 gets to one of its knees and grabs you once again with all four of its arms.
00:59:05 You fought the four, but the four won.
00:59:08 And once this time sort of turns you, sort of maneuvers you around off your body slam,
00:59:17 gets two arms on your upper arms again, another arm wrapped around your legs.
00:59:22 And basically it's like a surfboard stretch, but it can do it standing because it's got four arms
00:59:28 and puts you into its signature submission move, the forture rack,
00:59:31 and just starts bending you backwards once again.
00:59:33 You can roll on. Yeah. What do you want to do? You're being currently stretched and pulled
00:59:39 again. Your senses are reading out danger again, all the points where your limbs are connecting.
00:59:43 Which way am I facing? Away from them?
00:59:46 You're facing, yeah. You're facing away from them.
00:59:48 I want to turn on my fucking electric saw in their face, I assume.
00:59:54 Yes, absolutely. I can roll on. Let's say roll on look for that electric saw.
00:59:59 That sucks balls. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Seven.
01:00:05 Seven. That is just enough. So you're being pulled closer and closer and closer and closer
01:00:12 at this point, kind of, I guess, because you're resisting so much initially,
01:00:17 forewarning is piling on the pressure to get you as close as possible.
01:00:21 And then at the last moment, you just release that pressure, get pulled incredibly close
01:00:26 and turn on that buzzsaw. And it just starts cutting straight through the center of forewarning's
01:00:31 chest. There are sort of sparks, bits of wire and metal burst out from it.
01:00:35 The blade sort of crosses straight across the center of its skull.
01:00:39 And its head sort of starts to split in two. And you are free. You are free from the forture rack.
01:00:44 Oh, amazing. I've only got a few seconds left of this saw running. So I'm going to just,
01:00:51 as I'm dropped on my feet and I'm just going to back more into them and attempt to do more
01:00:55 damage while I'm there. That's another look roll. If you're doing the saw again.
01:00:59 I regret the saw. Oh, oh, oh, that's that's 11.
01:01:05 That's 11. Yeah, the saw sort of picks up speed now. It's sort of its RPM doubles.
01:01:11 This sort of metallic whine rings out throughout the whole stadium, like rings in your ears as well
01:01:17 through like your headphones. And then you just hear this horrible crunching sound as it just
01:01:24 buries itself deep, deep, deep, deep within the body of forewarning. Its voice seems to be crying
01:01:31 out in some kind of robotic pain initially, but then that sort of fades. You see the light,
01:01:37 these little red LEDs in its skull start to go out. And just as it collapses prone to the ground,
01:01:45 just before it shuts down. One last thing. I guess you found the winning formula.
01:01:53 And then a second that happens in the second forewarning shuts down,
01:02:02 the 99 on the future tron burst into a 100.
01:02:05 And yet the crowd goes wild. The synthetic crowd goes wild. And then the 100 turns back
01:02:14 into that quantum wave again. Congratulations, fork, on your 100th victory. You have won your
01:02:26 chance against the immortal Mass Maxwell. You have a moment in the ring. Do you want to flex?
01:02:34 Do you want to do anything? I'm going to put my fork fingers up and be like #thefork because
01:02:43 I'm a good soul.
01:02:43 Okay. Let's get that trending. Let's get that trending. Okay. Brilliant. And then the screens
01:02:57 linger on the fork for a moment and then once again cut somewhere else. As the fork leaves
01:03:01 the stage, the future tron snaps back into life. And Oli, can you please take us through the title
01:03:07 sequence we are about to watch? Nailed it.
01:03:13 There are sort of 90s style graphics appearing on the big screen in a sort of really quite dated,
01:03:27 even more so in the year 3000 intro sequence to what seems to be a daytime high concept
01:03:35 TV show, episodic TV series. And the voiceover goes, "One day while fighting to protect 90s
01:03:42 America from the evil mastermind Red Scare, Rick Thunder and his trusty wingman Tim Quick
01:03:49 pursued a hostile aircraft to the Bermuda Triangle where Thunder and his danger zone jet
01:03:55 flew into a space time anonymally, anonymally, anonymally, transporting him to the year 3000.
01:04:03 Now stuck in the future and out of time, Rick and his new best friend, his own sentient jet,
01:04:10 now called Danger Zone, wrestle to find a way back home."
01:04:15 And Rick is in the sort of like the overseen area where he is protected behind some glass.
01:04:30 He commands his danger zone jet, sentient jet, who's his best friend, like a Pokemon.
01:04:37 So danger zone, the jet, who looks like a jet, but is also a robot, kind of like a transformer.
01:04:45 He's in the ring now. Go get him, son of a bitch.
01:04:49 I do not like this Red Scare.
01:04:53 From a different time. Stuff wasn't racist back then.
01:04:59 [Laughter]
01:05:06 And, Laurie, can you please tell us how Mass Maxwell enters the ring?
01:05:13 Sure thing. East Sussex surf rock starts to play over the speakers. We cut backstage as
01:05:21 two sort of little droids walking along with a little briefcase. They're both wearing,
01:05:27 or both been painted, should I say, to have the logo Mass Hysteria emblazoned upon them.
01:05:32 As they go down this line, they pass a cutout of the immortal Mass Maxwell. They pass
01:05:37 a older looking version of this robot that is painted red, white, and blue, big feather boa,
01:05:43 but clearly scarred from battle. They pass a black version with NWD scrawled across the chest.
01:05:49 They get to one that is pristine looking. Its chest cavity snaps open, and they open the
01:05:57 briefcase, and they take out this black box, almost like a sort of audio recording device,
01:06:05 and they plug it into the chest of this robot that is just hanging there, white-tipped window wipers
01:06:13 underneath its eyes that are sort of dead. And then suddenly as this box connects and goes in,
01:06:19 there's a flicker, and it powers up. It rips off the chest cavity that says Mass Hysteria on it
01:06:26 to reveal another chest cavity that also says Mass Hysteria. It walks out onto stage to the
01:06:32 East Sussex surf rock, playing to the crowd that isn't there, just sort of out of memory,
01:06:37 almost it's almost like a legacy thing, and gets to the ring and starts to listen for the crowd,
01:06:43 a listening device pops out of its ear, and on the other ear pops out a speaker to play
01:06:48 the crowd sound from people at home to its opponent. Okay, as you two square off in the
01:06:57 ring, oh well, as the immortal Mass Maxwell squares off against the kind of towering figure
01:07:03 of a fighter jet, is there anything that you want to say, Mass?
01:07:12 Let me tell you something, robo. What are you going to do when Mass Panic runs wild on you?
01:07:19 These 24-inch pistons are here to beat you into the ground.
01:07:24 That's it. That's all he wants to say.
01:07:26 And Rick, do you have any parting, any last words you want to say? Not parting, sorry.
01:07:31 I think that'd be fine.
01:07:32 [LAUGHTER]
01:07:33 Any last words you want to say to-
01:07:34 Yeah, chance management.
01:07:35 Slip of the tongue. I was literally, I was just looking at Laurie,
01:07:39 and I immediately thought of the rest of the guy. But no, any pre-match words you want to pass on to-
01:07:46 So I am channeling my voice through the Tannoy system coming out of Danger Zone in the ring,
01:07:52 because I'm up there.
01:07:53 Amazing.
01:07:54 But I still take my glasses off to say,
01:07:56 "We need to get back home, and we're going to go through you to do it,
01:08:06 because my name's Rick Thunder, and this is my sentient jet best friend, Danger Zone."
01:08:12 [LAUGHTER]
01:08:16 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
01:08:17 Mass, as the legend, Mass Maxwell, you start in control. What are you doing?
01:08:25 I'm running straight in with a clothesline.
01:08:27 That's a power run.
01:08:29 Mm-hmm.
01:08:29 Seven.
01:08:34 Seven. That's enough to do it. Yeah, your beefy metallic arm connects with the fighter jet body
01:08:40 of Danger Zone and sends him stumbling back to the other end of the circle squared.
01:08:45 Cool.
01:08:46 Same again.
01:08:46 What are you doing?
01:08:47 Same again.
01:08:47 That's another power roll.
01:08:49 That one is also a seven.
01:08:53 Same thing. Exact same thing. Same move people had seen literally hundreds of thousands of times
01:08:59 at this point. Boom, against the body of Danger Zone, pressed against the metallic ropes now.
01:09:05 Cool. I run to the other side. I hype the crowd up. I listen in,
01:09:11 and I run back in for the third and final clothesline.
01:09:13 Okay. That's another power roll.
01:09:16 Five.
01:09:19 Okay. Rick, you see him coming in for the... You've seen the clothesline connect once,
01:09:26 connect twice. You know the pattern now. What are you saying to Danger Zone?
01:09:29 I say, "Danger Zone, jump!"
01:09:31 Because he's a jet. So I want him to jump up in the air, and he's going to go pretty high.
01:09:39 And he's probably going to do a flip while he's up there. I'm talking he's starting to flip at the
01:09:44 top and then still flipping as he comes down because he is the high flyer. He's a literal jet,
01:09:49 and he collides with Max. Max, Max, Max.
01:09:53 So I'll let you roll on look for that bit of aerial wizardry.
01:09:59 That's work. High flyer.
01:10:01 That's... To be fair, that is actually true to the gimmick sheet. That is a... Yeah, fine.
01:10:11 Thank you.
01:10:12 But watch your lip, Davis.
01:10:18 We're going back home. Not only is it a plus two, but it's a critical success.
01:10:24 It's a critical success.
01:10:27 And that's a 12.
01:10:28 Doing a 69.
01:10:30 Amazing.
01:10:31 So first, take us through that aerial wizardry, and then take us through that collision course.
01:10:38 As Danger Zone has gone up in the air, and he's doing so many spins, Rick sees from the control
01:10:46 area that, hey, it is Mass, isn't it? Mass, Mass Hysteria.
01:10:50 Mm-hmm. Mass Maxwell.
01:10:52 Hey, Mass Hysteria. He seems pretty actually old. And what's that in the middle of his chest that
01:10:59 seems to be controlling everything? I think that might be his weakness. So we're going to go for
01:11:06 our finishing move, which is the Danger Zone, because Mass Hysteria's right in it. He's in
01:11:13 the drop zone, which is a Dragon Phoenix 1080 splash.
01:11:18 By all means, go for your finisher. Roll those 2d6. No mods.
01:11:24 Seven.
01:11:26 Seven.
01:11:28 Okay.
01:11:30 It's a squash match.
01:11:32 So the Danger Zone just starts barreling straight towards the prone body of Mass
01:11:42 Maxwell, lying on the mat, arms akimbo, vulnerable. Time itself seems to slow down
01:11:49 as you shoot through the sky. Can you tell us what memories of the past are flooding
01:11:54 through your brain at this point? Yeah, just those very words. "Time
01:11:58 going through the sky. That's how I got here. That's how me and Danger Zone, my sentient jet
01:12:03 best friend, became into existence in the year 3000." So I'm pining. I think this is the one,
01:12:11 because we just need a few more wins. We just need a bit more money so we can go to Fairmont
01:12:16 and ask him to work on this time-travelling technology for us to get us home. This is our
01:12:21 chance. This is your chance. And as you are
01:12:25 mere metres away from the body of Mass Maxwell, you start to hear a static crackle in your headset.
01:12:36 You start to see a kind of electric spark spreading in little places across the body of Danger Zone.
01:12:44 For a brief moment in your readout display and in the heads-up display in the cockpit of Danger
01:13:03 Zone itself, a quantum wave appears very briefly and buzzes its shape across your readout.
01:13:11 On a 10, at the last minute, Danger Zone feels its... What are those called with the handles on?
01:13:19 Not a joystick. It was the 80s. It was a joystick. It was joystick-controlled for jets in the 80s.
01:13:22 Cool. Yeah. The joystick, seemingly of its own accord, veers backwards. And just at the last
01:13:30 moment, Danger Zone pulls up away from Maxwell, up into the air, and lands, cockpit and back first,
01:13:38 onto the mat, as prone as a jet can be. This electrical buzzing is just spreading across
01:13:44 the body of Danger Zone at this point, and your controls are sort of sparking more static at you.
01:13:49 You try to touch them and you have to flinch back out of the way because of the pain. Maxwell.
01:13:55 Sorry, robot. Maxwell's going over. And he gets to his feet. And this is activated,
01:14:04 the Maxwellian overdrive protocol, and he starts to G himself up, playing to a crowd that isn't there.
01:14:11 And he runs the ropes and he goes for the nuclear fusion leg drop, his finishing move.
01:14:22 Just straight 2D6 on that, Maxwell.
01:14:23 That's sick. So I'm going to use a reroll because this is reliving my former glory.
01:14:30 Maxwell always goes over.
01:14:32 Hey, 10.
01:14:39 10. Take us through the nuclear fusion leg drop.
01:14:43 So the robot clunks across the ring, leaving huge footprints in its wake. It hits the ropes that
01:14:49 bend and almost buckle as it pings itself back. It runs all the way using all this momentum to get to
01:14:54 the downed Danger Zone and then just stops dead. Leaps into the air straight up,
01:15:00 legs 90 degree angle, just whoop. And as they hit and collide with the jet on the floor,
01:15:07 a series of small pyrotechnics fire off down the thigh and calf, causing more damage and scarring
01:15:16 along the edge of your robot. And then Maxwell's going to go for the pin.
01:15:21 You hit your finish, you succeeded. That pin is in. You find whatever part of a jet you can
01:15:28 that feels like a leg. I'm pulling the tail over.
01:15:30 Try to track down the shoulders. And then boom, boom, boom, ding, ding, ding, ding.
01:15:36 Your winner, the immortal Mass Maxwell.
01:15:42 Then as the... What was the protocol called again?
01:15:46 The Maxwellian Overdrive Protocol.
01:15:48 The Maxwellian Overdrive Protocol suddenly cuts out and you're back in control of your body again.
01:15:54 Okay. As quietly as possible, I want to lean into whatever I think is listening in this jet.
01:16:01 And I just want to say, "If you do ever go back in time, brother,
01:16:05 stop me from becoming this." And then I get up and celebrate as if I haven't said anything.
01:16:13 Okay. Rick, the static starts to clear. The buzzing and the discharges is no longer sparking
01:16:21 out of your control. You can see that these little lines of electricity have settled down
01:16:24 on the body of Danger Zone and you're back in communication with them.
01:16:27 Yeah, I know Danger Zone. I don't know what happened there.
01:16:32 He said, "What?" He said, "If we go back in time, we should stop him becoming what he is."
01:16:42 [Laughter]
01:16:46 I feel sorry for him too, Danger Zone.
01:16:49 [Laughter]
01:16:54 We'll get it next time. I don't know what that was either,
01:16:57 but something malfunctioned. We had it once. If my name isn't...
01:17:01 [Laughter]
01:17:07 Rick Thunberg, and you're my best friend, sentient jet Danger Zone.
01:17:11 [Humming]
01:17:25 Hey!
01:17:26 And as the credits music of Rick Thunder fades out, Danger Zone writes himself and takes up
01:17:37 up into the vaulted ceiling out of the circle squared. And as he does, and as that last little
01:17:42 bit of electric blue static sparks, for a brief moment, a pulse of kind of deep purple-orange,
01:17:51 almost like a plasma, just emanates from the back of the jet engines, but then it's gone in a moment
01:17:56 and Danger Zone flies off. We cut to a control room. We cut to a remote control room where
01:18:06 the operator of the Kremlin Crusader, a young Alexei Tetris, sits.
01:18:13 As he is sitting in front of a buffering screen, a loading screen, waiting to hear back
01:18:23 from the voice of the quantum computer. And as he does so, his mind casts back
01:18:31 to the last time he saw someone he loves very much, and the very last moments of their life.
01:18:38 Luke, can you tell us where we are right now in your memory?
01:18:42 So we are back in Mother Russia, in Moscow, my home. I'm tending to my mother, Lydia,
01:18:53 who is unfortunately lying on her deathbed, which is just her bed.
01:18:58 And I'm going to the kitchen to get some water, and I come back and I'm like,
01:19:06 "Mother, you need to drink. You need to drink water." And obviously in Russian.
01:19:11 You've got those little angular brackets that you get in comics whenever people speak in a
01:19:20 different language. And yeah, she's just sort of batting it away. She does not want this water.
01:19:28 And I sort of sigh and recline. I look up to the wall where she has got newspaper clippings,
01:19:35 and they talk about her work in robotics and her work in sort of the science field.
01:19:43 And I glance over to another set of clippings that have got blueprints for the F-Chip,
01:19:51 or as it was called then, the Tetrip. And I look to those, and I look to my mother, Lydia,
01:20:04 as she takes her dying breath. I look at the blueprints, saying, "I will not only avenge you,
01:20:13 Mother. I will also restore honor to our family name that was stolen from us and our flawless
01:20:21 accents. I will build. I will build the Tetrip. I will not only avenge you, Mother Lydia.
01:20:31 I will restore honor to the family name that was stolen from us. I will build the Tetrip,
01:20:38 and I will go to CBW." A look of pride and love and deep affection spreads across the face of
01:20:48 your mother, and she breathes one last gentle breath and closes her eyes forever.
01:20:59 You now are back in the present day, and not only are you waiting in front of a loading screen,
01:21:08 but of course, so is Piston Thurmont, waiting in front of a loading screen and a very stern-looking
01:21:13 photo of his dad frowning at him. All of a sudden, both your screens burst into the familiar burst.
01:21:23 All of a sudden, your screens switch from the loading bar into the familiar
01:21:27 shape of the quantum wave. State your dispute. Piston Thurmont, defend yourself.
01:21:38 My dispute is that I was wrestling a perfectly good match when I was suddenly attacked by this
01:21:47 foreign menace. I don't know if you can tell, but his accent, I believe, is some form of Canadian,
01:21:54 and I will not have my image, my brand, my father's name dragged into the mud,
01:22:03 though all the mud, the mud is mostly dogs in the future, but I will not have it dragged through the
01:22:09 mud by you. I demand satisfaction. I demand a match against this Kremlin goblin.
01:22:24 Interloper, defend yourself. You may call me Alexei, because that is my name.
01:22:32 I accept your challenge to match, and I will expose you, Thurmont, for the fraud that you are,
01:22:43 and how you stole this technology from my family. I will restore honour to my name,
01:22:49 and I will use this technology for the good that it should be. Piston Thurmont, state your
01:22:56 stipulation. You see, Lexi, I know exactly where this came from, and I don't care. So, my stipulation
01:23:12 is this, or the history books are a malleable mainframe of information. I put your legacy
01:23:21 against mine. If I win, let's start a few, if you win, I will personally authorise the history
01:23:31 books to be changed, to say that this is forever known as the Tet Trip. Your family will go down
01:23:41 in history as the greatest engineers to have ever lived. However, if I win, not only does this remain
01:23:51 the F Trip, not only do you abandon all hopes of a legacy, but your family will go down in the
01:24:00 history books as the world's worst murderers. Murderers? History is written by the victor.
01:24:10 Interloper.
01:24:11 I will just, I will tarnish your legacy forever, and your name will be synonymous with nothing more
01:24:19 than misery, embarrassment, and failure.
01:24:24 Interloper, do you accept these terms?
01:24:30 Cry me a river, dickface. I accept your terms.
01:24:38 The match is set. The quantum wave cuts out of the screen. We cut now back to the
01:24:47 circle squared, and these two circular shafts of light erupt from two separate places at either
01:24:54 end of the arena. Two circular platforms turn, revealing these elevator chasms, and from these
01:25:04 two platforms are lifted up the robotic bodies of a newly restored and repaired billionaire playbot,
01:25:12 and with all your stats restored as well, Adam, and a really gnarly but cool-looking junkie
01:25:23 Kremlin crusader.
01:25:24 The following match is scheduled for one legacy.
01:25:33 One legacy.
01:25:35 Rolls off the tongue.
01:25:38 Making their way to the ring, hailing from New Surrey, the billionaire playbot.
01:25:48 Lots of smaller, incredibly attractive robots come out, each of them armed with a magnum of
01:25:58 champagne. They all shake them up, and a huge torrent of champagne just spews out and everywhere,
01:26:08 and out up through this geyser, sort of elevated on this moving platform of suds,
01:26:15 is the billionaire playbot. He's been completely rejuvenated since you last saw him. In fact,
01:26:23 he's made even leaner, even sleeker, even, dare I say, sexier. He's got even kind of, like, he's
01:26:29 got a streak of gold in his real hair, harvested from real orphans, and he lands in front of the
01:26:38 world, and he clicks his fingers, and behind him, all of the robots kind of stand on each other's
01:26:45 shoulders and unfurl a huge banner saying, "Don't listen to Tentrips, they're history's greatest
01:26:50 mergers." Amazing. "Making their way to the ring, hailing from Moscow, Russia, the Kremlin Crusader!"
01:27:04 No pomp, no circumstance. The Kremlin Crusader walks out to the stage,
01:27:12 accompanied by Hammer, Sickle, and Red Star.
01:27:16 He nods to his three compatriots, they just hop back into each other and hop back into him.
01:27:22 He just walks to the ring, full of purpose, the TV screen showing images of how the Fairmont
01:27:33 Industries is a lie, and how they've stolen this technology,
01:27:39 so do not believe their lies. And she steps into the ring.
01:27:43 I mean, who are you going to believe? Us, or history's greatest murderers?
01:27:50 We're going to start with the golden boy in control.
01:27:52 Where are Hammer, Sickle, and Red Star?
01:28:00 I'm not telling you. They're stored away inside.
01:28:08 Oh, okay. I thought they were towards you.
01:28:10 They're Russian dolls.
01:28:11 In which case... Ah, understood.
01:28:14 So what I will do first of all, straight away, is I'm immediately going to go for the
01:28:20 Chateau Le Fiste 1869, just straight at your chest.
01:28:24 Um, Garand, we decided that was a look roll last time because it's so posh.
01:28:30 Certainly. That is plus one. That is a seven.
01:28:36 Um, that's enough. Yeah, the fist rockets out.
01:28:39 Clong! Did you say... What part of the body are you aiming for again?
01:28:42 Oh, the chest.
01:28:43 The chest. I've clung straight into the chest, and a few cracks start to appear in the old metal
01:28:48 that makes up the body of this robot.
01:28:50 I reach my robot's hands into the cracks. I want to pull his chest apart and rip out his
01:28:58 Russian dolls.
01:28:59 That is easily a power roll for that.
01:29:01 Okay, my power roll is... Ah, my power's minus one.
01:29:04 Poo! Poo and butt. Oh, that'll do it! Seven.
01:29:08 Um, so yeah, you've managed to get those pristine hands in there.
01:29:12 You hear sort of the wrenching and cracking of old brittle metal as this cavity opens up in the
01:29:17 chest of the Kremlin Crusade, and you see... Well, the first body you see, of course, is Hammer,
01:29:22 the largest of the three robots, sitting there in this little chest cavity.
01:29:25 Um, yeah, the chest is open. What are you doing?
01:29:27 I want to crush all three Russian dolls.
01:29:32 So I'm gonna say that is a power roll again.
01:29:36 Yeah, power.
01:29:37 You're purely crushing stuff.
01:29:38 All right.
01:29:41 See ya, Russian dolls!
01:29:49 Fuck your dolls, mate!
01:29:52 Uh, yeah, this incredibly expensive helmet.
01:29:57 One wouldn't think a robot hand could be manicured, but this one is.
01:30:01 Closes around the body of Hammer, and therefore the bodies of Sickle and Red Star,
01:30:06 and squeezes and squeezes and squeezes and squeezes.
01:30:10 There is a pop and a crackle and a release of, um, a high-pitched, I guess, kind of squeak
01:30:17 of electrical friction that almost sounds like a tiny scream as these three robots are almost
01:30:23 instantaneously compacted into a misshapen ball.
01:30:27 I would like to lean in to the Kremlin Crusader and say, "That's what the F-chip can do."
01:30:38 I'm Piston Fairmont.
01:30:41 Who the fuck are you?
01:30:42 Um, Luke, we're going to give you a chance to--
01:30:46 Oh, Alexei, we're going to give you a chance to respond to this.
01:30:48 I am Alexei Tetris, son of Lydia Tetris, the creator of that ship.
01:30:54 And I use my-- the arm that is a helicopter, um, because I am powered by an MIG-28 fighter
01:31:02 jet, sort of like, inside, sort of like powering this robot, to, uh, turn the blades on and
01:31:09 try and slice off the hands that he is currently, uh, crushing my Russian dolls with.
01:31:17 Okay, I'll let you, I'll let you go and work for that because it's precision-based.
01:31:20 Oh, Luke, because it's, you know, part of my robot.
01:31:22 Tell you what, because I'm, because I'm, I've already headed up the hill with people
01:31:28 questioning these decisions, I'm going to roll the dice.
01:31:30 If it's one to three, I'm going to let you do it on Luke.
01:31:33 If it's four to six, you're going to have to do it on Luke.
01:31:35 You got told by Dad.
01:31:36 I was going to say, Dad's home.
01:31:39 Arguably, arguably, um, arguably your, your, your brother, in this case, Ollie, has already
01:31:45 wound me up a lot, but I'm taking it out on you.
01:31:47 It seems much nicer.
01:31:48 Um, that is a four.
01:31:51 Okay, that's fine.
01:31:52 It's okay.
01:31:53 I respect your decision.
01:31:55 Roll on.
01:31:55 Roll on work.
01:31:59 Oh, it is a five.
01:32:02 It's a five.
01:32:04 Um, the, yeah, the blades start to spin and spin and spin.
01:32:07 Um, but these are old junkyard blades and this is an expensive, pristine, um, the most
01:32:12 expensive metal money can buy, or at least the most, the toughest metal money can buy
01:32:15 is used to make the chassis and the plating of the billionaire play bot.
01:32:18 And the, the blades just bend and twist and misshape as they try to collide with it.
01:32:23 Um, what can I say?
01:32:26 Inferior technology.
01:32:27 Because again, because of that, because you, you, you used that moment to gloat and be
01:32:33 a prick.
01:32:34 We're going to let some, we are going to let Alexi, um, take another shot at something.
01:32:37 I mean, don't get me wrong.
01:32:41 I, I love how you're playing this monster, but I think you, you, you took the time to
01:32:45 gloat rather than the opportunity to do something.
01:32:47 So we're going to let Alexi do something else.
01:32:49 I regret.
01:32:49 How's this for technology?
01:32:51 I'm going to punch you in your chinobble.
01:32:54 And I'm going to try and kick him in the dick.
01:32:56 Right.
01:32:58 Um, that's, that is, that is just going to be a power roll for straightforward hoof in
01:33:02 the dick.
01:33:02 Oh, and that is a nine minus two is seven.
01:33:05 Seven.
01:33:08 What's your, what's your kicking leg, man?
01:33:11 It is, it is made out of a battleship.
01:33:14 Well, you just sunk his battleship as it connected beautifully with the groin of the
01:33:21 billionaire playbot, um, causing it to cross its legs.
01:33:25 Um, in cartoonish agony, yeah.
01:33:29 But the two little like glowing led, um, like, uh, lights just sort of go cross-eyed for
01:33:34 a second and the playbot drops to its knees.
01:33:37 Um, we're going to give you, we're going to give you one, one, one more chance to do
01:33:40 something.
01:33:41 I'm then going to go for the vodka revolution.
01:33:43 Uh, my top half just starts spinning around with my arms outstretched to try and clobber
01:33:47 him in his, uh, beautiful, uh, and overly privileged face.
01:33:51 What did we give you to roll for that last time?
01:33:54 Power last time, I believe.
01:33:55 You're an honest man, Luke, and I love you.
01:33:58 Roll on power.
01:33:58 Oh, that is a, no, it's not.
01:34:03 It's I've rolled a seven, but that means it's five.
01:34:08 Um, yeah, so once again, um, the, you go back to the book revolution, you start spinning
01:34:12 around on the axis that is like the, the, uh, the lumbar part of your, of your robot's
01:34:17 torso.
01:34:18 Um, but once again, this is an upgraded, this is a sleeker, tougher, meaner version of the
01:34:22 billionaire playbot.
01:34:23 And just like the metal of your blades bend, so does the metal of your fist is like, bang,
01:34:29 bang, bang.
01:34:30 Every time it clocks the joy of the billionaire playbook, a bigger dent appears in your fist
01:34:34 than does on the, the, um, the shit eating grin of this, um, beautiful, beautiful piece
01:34:41 of machinery.
01:34:42 Uh, we're going to let you respond now, uh, Heston.
01:34:44 Hey, I lean in and say, Lexi, you're living in the past.
01:34:49 Allow me to introduce you to the future.
01:34:52 I stick my hands inside his robot and I begin to pump it with molten palladium.
01:35:02 I'm going for my finisher, the wealth grab.
01:35:05 Um, you know what to do.
01:35:07 That's just, that's a straight two D six.
01:35:10 Why do I use any of my rerolls?
01:35:12 That's a good point, Luke.
01:35:15 Uh, that is a four.
01:35:18 So what I would like to do is I would like to reroll and think of the future.
01:35:24 I would like to picture my father.
01:35:27 I would like to picture my children, which I've yet to have because marriage, but I pictured
01:35:34 the legacy, the dynasty of the Fairmont stretching into the future.
01:35:39 I see statues being raised in our names.
01:35:42 I see F chips for every wealthy man, woman, and child.
01:35:47 And I see a new era of robotics carved out in my image.
01:35:52 Fail.
01:35:54 Oh,
01:35:59 so what I'm going to take that and see what happens.
01:36:10 You reach, you reach these manicured robot hands into the cavity.
01:36:14 Where's the crushed bodies of hammer sick on the red star lie.
01:36:19 I'm just, just another few little people who you've crushed on your way to the top.
01:36:24 And the liquid palladium starts pumping out of these, uh, these valves and these, these,
01:36:29 um, yeah, this, the store inside your body pumps into the cavity, um, ceiling in a horrible
01:36:37 little coffin of molten palladium, the bodies of these three tiny robots.
01:36:40 But once again, once again, you, you moved out of your field of expertise.
01:36:48 You are maybe the most brilliant roboticist on the planet, but you are no metallurgist.
01:36:54 Like you old fashioned technology, old fashioned blacksmithing, smelting and metals.
01:36:59 That's, that's laborers work.
01:37:01 That's the kind of thing where you get your hands really dirty.
01:37:04 And that's something you never really could accept that you were not good at.
01:37:08 And once again, as this cavity fills, um, and as you come across, I mean, the, the body of a,
01:37:14 of a modern robot, the body of a contemporary battle robot is a, um, uh, is beautifully and
01:37:22 perfectly designed most of the time.
01:37:24 You know how these things work.
01:37:25 You, you know exactly where this, um, liquid palladium will flow if this is going to work,
01:37:29 but you don't know any of these machines.
01:37:31 These are bits of junk from hundreds and hundreds of years ago.
01:37:35 And there isn't really anywhere in these, these densely packed, efficient, um, Russian bits of
01:37:39 tech for this palladium to go.
01:37:41 And once again, it flows back and back and back on a critical fail.
01:37:47 It flows back across covering your hands, covering your entire hands of your robot
01:37:52 back across the body, back across the arms, up around the chest, down across the legs,
01:37:58 down to the feet.
01:37:59 What physical motion are you trying to do in your last moments of movement here?
01:38:03 - I'm trying to extend my fingers into a dual bird.
01:38:10 - I'm going to let you, I'm gonna let you roll and look to see if you can achieve that just before.
01:38:14 - Uh, that is a seven.
01:38:18 - Just about, just about, just as, just as the audiences across the planet can hear that
01:38:25 groaning sound and that hissing of molten metal cooling, um, you just get these two
01:38:31 robo birds flipped before you seize up completely.
01:38:34 And there you stand, there stands the billionaire play bot, the most expensive, most sophisticated
01:38:41 robot in the history of cyber battle wars designed by the most brilliant roboticist alive today,
01:38:47 maybe alive together, but a roboticist who squandered his gifts.
01:38:50 And as you sit there, and as you sit there in your control room, looking at the frowning
01:38:54 frame photo of your dad, you look at the circle squared and what you see is a solid
01:39:01 palladium statue to failure.
01:39:04 And you know exactly, in fact, just leave it on that, leave it on failure.
01:39:11 Alexa, ding, ding, ding, ding, you're winner, the Kremlin Crusader.
01:39:19 - Ow!
01:39:19 - Honor has been restored as I sort of pop up onto the screen of, uh, of Piston.
01:39:28 Theramond, you are a brilliant man.
01:39:32 You are a brilliant roboticist.
01:39:34 And I do not hate you.
01:39:40 I do, however, hate what you have done to the Tetrip.
01:39:43 I hate what you have used it for.
01:39:45 I would like to go into business with you.
01:39:50 Together, we could build a better world with this technology.
01:39:56 What do you say?
01:40:02 I look down at the frowning face of my father and I say, no deal.
01:40:13 You want the Tetrip to be yours?
01:40:16 It's all yours and all the failures that will come with it.
01:40:20 And I storm out.
01:40:22 - Um, okay, we find ourselves in the hangars of Cyber Battle Wars, where all the robots
01:40:28 are kept in between matches.
01:40:30 Most of them are shut down, waiting in stasis or in standby or in power saving mode for
01:40:35 their next call to the circle squared.
01:40:38 But one is sitting down on the ground in a relaxed pose.
01:40:41 And that robot is the hulking metal frame of the fighter jet Danger Zone.
01:40:46 And approaching Danger Zone, 90s TV hero, Rick Thunder.
01:40:50 - Danger Zone, Rick Thunder.
01:40:54 I've run the diagnostics and the tests.
01:40:57 I don't know what happened out there.
01:40:59 The only thing that I've seen in our past, in our journey together, that correlates with
01:41:06 such a power outage is when we flew through that time space anomaly, anomaly, over the
01:41:15 Bermuda Triangle.
01:41:16 Yeah, it was the same.
01:41:23 Yeah.
01:41:26 - Beep boop beep boop boop, beep beep beep boop boop beep, boop boop boop boop boop boop.
01:41:33 - I love you too, man.
01:41:34 - And Danger Zone reaches out a giant metallic robot hand to yours.
01:41:44 - High five.
01:41:44 High five, freeze frame.
01:41:51 - And on that freeze frame, all of a sudden, the purple electroplasmid crackle you saw
01:41:59 from the thrusters at the back of Danger Zone starts to appear again.
01:42:02 And throbs bigger.
01:42:08 And then, boom, this huge explosion of purple plasma energy erupts throughout the hangar.
01:42:17 And about 50 feet away from you, you see a tiny black sphere start to get bigger and
01:42:26 bigger and bigger until it swells into some kind of time space cavity, crackling with
01:42:31 plasmid energy.
01:42:32 The black sphere brightens in the center and a light, a kind of cosmic light spreads out
01:42:40 from the center.
01:42:41 And then, stepping through it, the boyishly handsome, blonde, loyal wingman to Rick Thunder.
01:42:54 It's none other than your friend, Tim Quick.
01:42:59 - Tim Quick, my trusty wingman from the '90s hit TV series Danger Zone.
01:43:07 You've come to rescue me.
01:43:08 Finally, I can go home.
01:43:10 Thank you, Tim Quick, with your boyish, beautiful, good looks and definitely trustworthy face.
01:43:16 - Ah, Rick Thunder, or should I say, Rick Thunder.
01:43:25 - Oh, he's Canadian.
01:43:27 - I cannot tell you how sick I am of hearing the name Tim Quick.
01:43:41 My name is Timotei Quicknev, and I am no friend of yours.
01:43:48 The portal behind him grows wider and wider and wider now, and another leg steps through.
01:43:54 A big, heavy, metallic leg as a large, red, robotic, MIG-28 Russian fighter jet steps
01:44:02 out behind him.
01:44:04 It has taken Red Scare and I decades to find you.
01:44:12 Back home, Rick Thunder, you are hailed a hero.
01:44:18 And I hate you so much.
01:44:29 - I knew it, I knew it.
01:44:36 All Russians are evil.
01:44:39 I don't care what that Alexei guy says.
01:44:41 - Great murderers, horrible.
01:44:44 - I thought I'd finished you off by sending you through to an uninhabitable year 3000,
01:44:54 but no, you survived.
01:44:57 You survived in the future, and your legacy survived in the past, immortalized as a hero.
01:45:04 - Tim Quick, you were behind all of this.
01:45:08 You pushed me into the future.
01:45:10 You've separated me from my friends.
01:45:12 I've been out for years.
01:45:13 - The way I see it, I am simply finishing a job I started 1000 years ago.
01:45:21 Keeling, Rick Thunder.
01:45:25 And with that, he squats down, back flips into the air and lands into the cockpit of
01:45:30 Red Scare, who squares himself off and clang, clang, clang, punches his two metallic fists
01:45:35 together and then gets into a battle stance.
01:45:37 - Is it me now?
01:45:39 - What would you like to do?
01:45:42 Tell me what you're doing.
01:45:43 - I want to do Danger Zone.
01:45:45 I don't have much control over this.
01:45:46 Danger Zone leaps in front of me, like the loyal sort of dog that he is.
01:45:52 And that gives me time to run to a safe area, put on the headset and start directing commands
01:46:02 to Danger Zone.
01:46:03 And the first thing we're going to do is jump up in the air into a fight pose and come down
01:46:09 with a danger fist.
01:46:11 Ah, it's not going to be work, is it?
01:46:14 - A fist is going to be power.
01:46:16 OK, so as he sort of squares up, ready to battle you, and then Tim Quick sees you run
01:46:21 off into the distance.
01:46:22 I'm, "Hey, Thunder, kvidstani!"
01:46:25 - Just when you think all the puns are done.
01:46:30 - We would have exhausted all Russian puns by the end of this.
01:46:33 - I mean, Luke has depleted my supplies.
01:46:37 - Sorry, mate.
01:46:37 - You're all monsters.
01:46:40 - So yeah, you managed to get your headphones on and yeah, roll on power for that Thunder
01:46:45 fist.
01:46:45 - Oh no.
01:46:46 - Oh no.
01:46:47 - Please, please.
01:46:50 - Oh, please.
01:46:51 - What is it?
01:46:52 - Oh!
01:46:52 - No!
01:46:52 - There's so many snake eyes!
01:46:58 - Red Scare, I mean, thank you very much for being honourable with your rolls, guys.
01:47:03 That's very decent of you.
01:47:04 Yeah, Red Scare catches that fist in his huge red hand and squeezes down and it bends
01:47:12 Danger Zone's hand back and then forces him to his knees.
01:47:19 "You are always weak, capitalist dog."
01:47:22 He shakes his fist at you and pushes you down further into the ground.
01:47:26 What are you doing?
01:47:26 - Danger Zone, quick, twirl out of it with your thrusters so you can spin from side to
01:47:32 side and then go up in a sort of loop of eight around him and kick him in the back.
01:47:37 - Okay, that is a work roll for sure.
01:47:40 - That is an eight.
01:47:41 - Yeah, thrusters kick into gear, pirouetting like some kind of fighter jet ballet dancer.
01:47:49 The fact that the ballet-esque moves are so good that even a Russian like Tim Quick has
01:47:54 to pay attention and you spin around behind the back of Danger Zone.
01:47:58 Tim Quick is not quite used to controlling a sentient robot transformer jet quite yet.
01:48:05 It takes a while to get his bearings.
01:48:06 Yeah, Red Scare is on his knees, his back is to you.
01:48:09 - Well, I would also think that, you know, Danger Zone is very unique in that he is an
01:48:14 actual sentient robot who listens to my commands, whereas this just seems like your standard robot
01:48:20 jet that doesn't have a brain of its own.
01:48:23 It's all Tim Quick.
01:48:24 So now I'm going to lift him up for an airplane spin, which is where I get him on my shoulder
01:48:31 and much like Alexei's, what is it, the Russian roulette thing where it spins around.
01:48:38 I'm just going to spin from-
01:48:39 - Fog Revolution.
01:48:40 - Fog Revolution, sorry.
01:48:41 I'm going to spin from the waist, but it's unhinged, so I just go round and round and
01:48:44 round and round.
01:48:45 - Go for it, that's a work roll.
01:48:49 - Five.
01:48:50 Oh no, with work, it's a seven.
01:48:52 - Yeah!
01:48:53 - It's a seven, just enough, just enough, as this is, you're used to wrestling WrestleBots
01:48:59 who are typically smaller than Danger Zone.
01:49:03 It's Danger Zone being a fighter that is bigger than you have a WrestleBot.
01:49:05 This is more weight than you're used to, but after a bit of wobble, a bit of balance, you
01:49:09 manage to, yeah, you start spinning into this thing and for a moment, Tim thinks you're
01:49:13 going to let go of him, but you hold on fast.
01:49:16 He goes, "Ah, Rick Thunder, I see you got your bearing straight," and then the spin
01:49:21 starts.
01:49:22 - Yeah, so then I'm going to put them down and they're really disorientated, especially
01:49:27 Tim Quick inside, but then I spy out the corner of my eye, Rick Thunder spies out the corner
01:49:32 of his eye, that the time portal is still open.
01:49:36 - The time portal is still open.
01:49:40 - And through it, I can see various flashes of the life I want to get back to, including
01:49:48 series one love interest, Julie Lovely.
01:49:52 (laughing)
01:49:55 And I see her at home, just washing plates and looking for lawn and that, you know, the
01:50:03 pang of my heart and I'm like, "Danger zone, let's go for it."
01:50:07 So I start running towards the time portal to try and get back home.
01:50:13 - Oh, this is, you have no stats, so this is going to be a straight, are you just trying
01:50:20 to get yourself through that portal right now?
01:50:22 - With danger zone, because yeah, we'll both, I'm running towards it and danger zone can
01:50:26 come with me.
01:50:27 - Okay, so first I'm going to need a work role to get past Tim Quick and Red Scare.
01:50:34 - That is an 11.
01:50:36 - Yeah!
01:50:37 - That is an 11.
01:50:39 So yeah, Red Scare swings a big, heavy robot just pissed at you, but danger zone sort of
01:50:46 leans back matrix style and slides underneath it.
01:50:49 And then yeah, writes himself again as soon as he's over the fist and starts running towards
01:50:55 the portal.
01:50:56 So that role got you past Red Scare.
01:50:58 Now this next one is to be able to jump through.
01:51:03 - 12!
01:51:06 Not natural, not natural, but 12.
01:51:08 - Okay, yeah, you both run towards the portal as quick as you can.
01:51:15 You get there, it's shrinking, it's getting smaller and smaller, but it's still there.
01:51:21 As you reach the portal, Tim Quick gets Red Scare back to his feet again, shakes his fist
01:51:27 at you, "Internet!"
01:51:28 He yells.
01:51:30 However, on that critical fail you rolled earlier, there need to be some serious consequences.
01:51:41 And the point where Red Scare broke the arm of, well, broke the hand and the wrist of
01:51:51 danger zone and dropped him to the floor, you see that the strain of lifting a robot
01:51:56 bigger than he's ever had to lift before and the damage you took right at the start of
01:51:59 the match is, it's more than you first realize.
01:52:04 And taking a proper look at your best friend, he is in a very bad way.
01:52:07 - You can do it.
01:52:12 Come on, danger zone, get through the time portal with me.
01:52:16 - Beep, beep, boop.
01:52:19 And he looks at his hand and looks at the damage that's on his knee, and the portal
01:52:26 gets smaller and smaller and smaller.
01:52:28 And you're no roboticist, but you picked up a few things here in your time in the future.
01:52:37 And you know this is serious damage.
01:52:39 On a critical fail, this is really serious damage.
01:52:42 You know it can be repaired.
01:52:43 You know that there are people in the future who can repair danger zone, but you know that
01:52:49 there is nobody in the past who can.
01:52:51 And that portal is closing and closing and closing.
01:52:55 You have a choice.
01:52:56 You can return to your time.
01:52:58 But if you do, danger zone is a goner.
01:53:05 He reaches a big metal hand and just rests it very gently on the side of your shoulder,
01:53:11 sort of like a sort of a bro grip over your collarbone.
01:53:15 Beep, boop, beep.
01:53:17 Rick Thunder.
01:53:21 What are you doing, Rick?
01:53:26 - I'm looking at Julie Lovely, waiting there.
01:53:30 She doesn't know I can see her.
01:53:32 She's hanging up washing now.
01:53:33 And I look back at danger zone.
01:53:35 And I put my hand on danger zone's robotic arm and stay there with him as the portal
01:53:44 slowly closes for another episode.
01:53:49 - Ooh.
01:53:57 And nothing but silence.
01:54:00 And with that, the light just dims in danger zone's eyes and he goes into power saving
01:54:09 mode.
01:54:09 - No!
01:54:15 - You hear the frustrated scream of Tim Quick as the portal closes.
01:54:21 He turns to you, points his finger at you.
01:54:23 - Next time.
01:54:25 - Next time.
01:54:27 - Next time.
01:54:31 - Next time, Rick Thunder.
01:54:32 And then Red Scare shoots, blasts a hole in the wall and flies off into the sky, leaving
01:54:38 you stuck in the future with your best friend.
01:54:42 We cut now to backstage.
01:54:46 - A huge room full of computers and servers and incredibly futuristic computational technology
01:54:57 that is using things like wireless electricity, the kind of stuff that Tesla dreamed of, and
01:55:02 almost kind of vacuum tube style old amplifier technology to create this incredibly efficient
01:55:08 form of computational power that allows brains beyond anything that we could even imagine
01:55:13 in a time to perform.
01:55:15 And in this huge room, right at the back, atop a large series of heavy metal looking
01:55:22 steps, sits a giant spherical computer screen.
01:55:26 This is the heart of the quantum computer, the mind that does all the thinking for cyber
01:55:34 battle wars.
01:55:37 Approaching the quantum computer, the immortal Mass Maxwell, who has come to make that request
01:55:46 he makes every single day and then is never granted to him.
01:55:52 And as he approaches the base of the steps, the quantum wave bursts into life.
01:55:57 It glows red and yellow and then back to white.
01:56:02 And it almost seems as if it's looking at you as a metallic voice chimes out, "Well,
01:56:08 well, well."
01:56:11 - Easy, quantum computer.
01:56:15 - It was right under our noses the entire time.
01:56:24 - You bastard.
01:56:27 - Let me tell you something, machine gene.
01:56:32 Mass hysteria has been running wild in this company for centuries now.
01:56:36 It's time you let me hang it up.
01:56:39 I've done my service.
01:56:42 Bin the face.
01:56:45 Lay me to rest.
01:56:47 - Why?
01:56:48 - Because despite all of this, despite everything else, robo, I'm a man on the inside.
01:56:59 I'm not like these other ones.
01:57:00 I wasn't built in a workshop.
01:57:02 I was born and bred in a different type of iron paradise, the gym, hanging and banging,
01:57:08 building, working on my bod.
01:57:10 But I am ready now to finally hang up my boots.
01:57:15 - Mass Maxwell, you are the immortal face of cyber battle wars.
01:57:29 You will wrestle when we tell you to wrestle.
01:57:35 And a little sort of spark of pain jolted through you as a result of the, what's its
01:57:40 name again?
01:57:41 Sorry.
01:57:41 - Oh, the Maxwellian Overdrive Protocol.
01:57:45 - The Maxwellian, that's it.
01:57:46 The Maxwellian Overdrive Protocol.
01:57:47 You get a little spark of pain, a little spark of corrective pain jolts through your body.
01:57:52 You will wrestle when we tell you to wrestle and we tell you to wrestle forever.
01:57:59 Now, Mass Maxwell, you have a match.
01:58:08 And the quantum wave cuts out and you're left in an empty room.
01:58:18 I'm going to attempt to pry the chest cavity open in order to get out the black box.
01:58:32 - Okay, make a...
01:58:36 To get your chest cavity open, let's have a contested 2D6 roll actually to see if cyber
01:58:46 management allows you to do this.
01:58:48 - Nine.
01:58:50 - Yeah, you've managed to get your hands in and it's a huge strain.
01:58:57 Your body is, you are the face of the company.
01:59:00 So much of management's money is put into wards, making you look strong, making you
01:59:06 be strong, making sure you always get over no matter the cost.
01:59:09 And part of that is giving you a wrestling body that can stand up to the high tech, power
01:59:15 based wrestlers, even when your style is still so old school.
01:59:18 But with this huge sort of force of will, you manage to create just the smallest but
01:59:26 perceptible crack in your chest cavity.
01:59:29 And the tiny little gleam of the brilliant blue light at the center of that black box
01:59:34 can be seen before the Maxwellian over-the-eye protocol kicks in and you find yourself being
01:59:42 marched to the top of the ramp.
01:59:43 - Making their way to the stage, hailing from 500 years ago, Sussex, the immortal Mass
01:59:54 Maxwell.
01:59:55 - East Sussex, Surf Rock.
02:00:00 On the way, there's a sudden change.
02:00:04 I walk out of that room having spoken to QC, the quantum computer, forlorn.
02:00:11 And then I realize what I'm going to do.
02:00:14 I realize what I need to do.
02:00:15 And as I'm walking, my step becomes-- it's almost like the end of The Usual Suspects.
02:00:20 My gait changes completely.
02:00:21 And I'm once again the immortal Mass Maxwell that everyone's used to seeing.
02:00:25 I pick up a feather boa.
02:00:27 I replace a chest cavity that says Mass Hysteria.
02:00:31 And when I burst onto the ramp, I rip that open.
02:00:34 I rip open all the signs that say Mass Hysteria that they put on the ramps as well to remind
02:00:38 me that I'm not a human.
02:00:40 I rip open all the signs that say Mass Hysteria.
02:00:44 I'm playing crowd sounds myself through speakers that are mounted on my shoulders.
02:00:48 And I make my way down to the ring.
02:00:49 - Is there anything you want to say?
02:00:54 You stand in the center of the ring alone.
02:00:56 - Yeah, sure.
02:00:56 Boy, Mass Hysteria is running wild, Robos.
02:01:04 Let me tell you, once again, my demandments.
02:01:07 You've got to download your training patch.
02:01:09 Conjoin your consciousness with the master program at the center of the internet.
02:01:13 And eat your vitamins because we don't go outside enough anymore.
02:01:16 But another thing that I want to tell you is you want to become like me because I am
02:01:24 immortal.
02:01:25 I am the immortal face of this company.
02:01:28 And I will be so long as this black box beats in my chest.
02:01:33 And the synthetic sounds of an artificial audience scream at the man they love more
02:01:40 than anyone else in Cyber Battle Wars.
02:01:42 Making their way to the stage, hailing from the University of Kent, The Fork.
02:01:51 - So I am actually walking down the ramp to just like some casual rock music.
02:02:01 I'm not going too big because I am Maxwell's biggest fan.
02:02:05 And it's just, I'm just happy to be here.
02:02:07 It's, I've actually, in fact, what I've done is I've plastered the poster that was in my
02:02:14 workshop onto the front of my robot.
02:02:17 So there's a little Mass Hysteria on the front of my robot.
02:02:20 I'm just like, yay!
02:02:21 But also a lot more like muscular, like, yay!
02:02:25 - Wow.
02:02:30 - Yeah, no, I literally just, my robot just runs and skips into the ring with just absolute
02:02:34 joy.
02:02:34 And then it's just like, hi.
02:02:36 - So you have the ability to project a video image from the remote controlling this robot
02:02:45 from to Maxwell.
02:02:47 If there's any words you want to say to your hero at this point.
02:02:49 - You are truly, truly unforgettable.
02:02:56 I'm a huge, huge, huge fan of yours.
02:03:03 And it's really, really, really a whisk come true to be in front of you.
02:03:11 So thank you.
02:03:12 - So considering A, he is the immortal face of the company and B, you are Starstruck right
02:03:21 now.
02:03:22 We will start the match with Mass in control.
02:03:25 Ding, ding, ding, ding.
02:03:26 - Mass coming right out the gate with clothesline.
02:03:28 - That's a power roll.
02:03:31 - 10.
02:03:34 - That'll do it.
02:03:37 Boom.
02:03:38 Your heavy metallic arm knocks the fork to the ground and the crowd goes wild.
02:03:42 - I just get in his face and I say, you're a fan of the immortal Mass Maxwell, are you
02:03:48 robo?
02:03:48 And I go for a elbow drop.
02:03:52 - An elbow drop is going to be...
02:03:56 That's pretty much power, I guess, for elbow drop.
02:03:59 - Yep.
02:04:00 Sorry, lost the dice.
02:04:01 Don't worry, I've got spares.
02:04:03 12, not natural.
02:04:06 - Just in case you're...
02:04:06 Um, yeah, the beautiful elbow drop.
02:04:10 In fact, on that 12, do you want to give a little flourish?
02:04:12 - Yeah, it's just a...
02:04:13 Straight down.
02:04:16 Kiss the fist, drop straight down.
02:04:17 And as I land, I roll what looks like a cover.
02:04:22 And I let it...
02:04:26 I'm going to let it count, but I want to do something.
02:04:29 So as I do that, I just say, having said you're a fan of the immortal Mass Maxwell,
02:04:35 that man died a long time ago.
02:04:39 And then I pull the cover off.
02:04:43 So it lets the count happen, but I try to make it look like she's kicked out,
02:04:47 or the robot's kicked out.
02:04:48 - Okay, you're in control now.
02:04:52 Fork, what are you doing?
02:04:53 - I'm in absolute shock.
02:04:57 And as I see Maxwell on the floor, I see that they've got this weird blue light gleaming
02:05:04 from their chest.
02:05:04 And there's something weird that impulses me to try and stick my fork into it to pry it open.
02:05:11 - Okay, you can make a...
02:05:13 That's pretty precise.
02:05:15 It's a tiny crack.
02:05:16 Make a work roll.
02:05:16 - It's a tiny crack.
02:05:18 - Keeping it classy.
02:05:22 - Hang on, what is my work?
02:05:25 Zero.
02:05:25 So that is a nine.
02:05:28 - A nine?
02:05:29 - Yeah.
02:05:30 - Yeah, your fork shoots into the crack.
02:05:32 You sort of expand your forklifts a little bit, and you hear a creak and a groan.
02:05:38 And yeah, you managed to make that little crack open.
02:05:40 Maybe just another inch.
02:05:41 The metal you're pushing against is so incredibly strong.
02:05:44 But yeah, you can now see clearly inside.
02:05:46 You can make out this little blue glowing light, and you recognize it from the endless
02:05:52 amount of ring entrances you've seen of the immortal Mass Maxwell.
02:05:54 This is that little device that is put into every Mass Maxwell body when he enters.
02:05:58 Cool.
02:06:01 What are you both doing?
02:06:03 Either of you can answer this point.
02:06:05 - Well, I see the glowing light.
02:06:07 I know what it is.
02:06:08 And I know that I'm so inspired by this incredible soul that is existing inside this creature
02:06:13 that I also want to pummel him to the ground.
02:06:15 So I run against the ropes, and then I get that lovely bit of extra strength, and I go
02:06:21 for a clothesline like he did on me.
02:06:22 - A classic Mass Maxwell clothesline.
02:06:25 Roll on power.
02:06:26 - Nine.
02:06:30 Oh, hang on.
02:06:32 No, power, power, power, power.
02:06:33 11.
02:06:38 - Clothesline is such an old school wrestling move, such an old school move.
02:06:41 It's something in this flashy world of invisible robots and sentient fighter jets and tiny,
02:06:47 consecutively smaller Russian dolls.
02:06:49 You don't see a lot of good old-fashioned wrestling moves.
02:06:51 But, Mass, as you see this clothesline swinging to you, this is a better clothesline than
02:06:57 you have done yourself in years.
02:06:59 And it knocks you to the mat.
02:07:01 Pow!
02:07:02 Straight against it.
02:07:03 And you're still in control here.
02:07:04 Fork?
02:07:05 - Oh, fantastic.
02:07:06 Well, I'm just going to replicate what he's done, because it's amazing and incredible.
02:07:10 I'm going to go for a shoulder, for an elbow drop.
02:07:12 - Go for it.
02:07:14 That's another...
02:07:15 We gave you power, didn't we, for that?
02:07:16 - Yeah.
02:07:17 That's a six plus two, eight.
02:07:22 - Can I try to move myself as this is coming down?
02:07:25 - Yes, I think we said you can.
02:07:28 - Can I move myself so it connects better?
02:07:30 - You're going to...
02:07:35 Yes, you can.
02:07:37 So, okay, let me figure out how we're going to do this.
02:07:39 So you're going to need to roll on work.
02:07:41 If you can roll a better work than the fork's eight power roll, then yes, it connects better.
02:07:48 - Fuck!
02:07:49 - Only six.
02:07:53 - That's a six.
02:07:56 You try to move out of the way.
02:07:57 You just get yourself in an awkward position, and you sort of cause the fork to kind of
02:08:02 botch that elbow.
02:08:03 And the crowd just starts booing a little bit at a really sloppy execution of what is
02:08:08 an iconic move, an iconic move that belongs to you.
02:08:11 So, yeah, right now we have the fork sort of on the ground from botched elbow drop.
02:08:18 We have, yeah, Maxwell kind of tumbled up in that jumble mess.
02:08:23 And right now we're just looking at some rather bad wrestling.
02:08:25 What are you both doing?
02:08:26 - Can I try to lift the fork up and push?
02:08:29 - Yes, you can.
02:08:30 - And back the robot into a corner.
02:08:33 - Go for it.
02:08:34 Roll on power.
02:08:35 - It's not gone well.
02:08:37 Oh, seven plus two power.
02:08:40 Delicious.
02:08:40 - Seven.
02:08:40 Just about.
02:08:42 Yeah, you push against, you lift up and push against the fork.
02:08:46 You feel a lot of sort of physical strength pushing back against you.
02:08:50 Maybe more strength than you have yourself, but your experience and your technique is
02:08:55 enough to get you to drive them back against the ropes.
02:08:57 And you are now, yeah, you sort of pick them up and you are carrying and pushing the body
02:09:01 of the fork against the ropes.
02:09:02 - I'm going to say, "Destroy the box, robo.
02:09:06 Save me from this."
02:09:09 And then I'm going to turn to the, where I assume the driver's area is, being able to
02:09:15 watch this and say, "Do you hear me?"
02:09:17 - I am so in shock.
02:09:20 - If she's not moving, I'm going to, I'm, I'm, okay, well, if she's not moving, I'm
02:09:26 going to assume that I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands.
02:09:28 I'm going to put you onto the top rope and I'm going to do a superplex to the floor in
02:09:37 an attempt to cause as much damage to both of us as possible.
02:09:40 - Okay, roll on, ooh, for a superplex.
02:09:44 It's, yeah, roll on power for that.
02:09:46 - That is 10.
02:09:47 - You pick up, you pick up the body of the fork currently in shock at this really confusing
02:09:55 message coming from their rival.
02:09:57 And yeah, beautiful superplex off the rope.
02:10:00 You both collide with each other.
02:10:02 There's a grind and a crack and a crunch of metal.
02:10:04 And you look down at your chest, you sort of see, you see sort of sparks and damage and
02:10:10 cracks and broken bits of metal coming off the body of the fork.
02:10:12 You see your own chest cavity is split open a little bit more and you can almost make
02:10:16 out one of the corners of the box at this point.
02:10:19 Fork, what are you doing?
02:10:21 - I am going to crawl over and through the microphone in the robot, ask, are you sure
02:10:29 about this?
02:10:30 - The thing about legends is they have an end.
02:10:35 - Okay, so I tell you to just go with me.
02:10:49 And we struggle to our feet in what looks like a power struggle of delicious metal wrestling.
02:10:57 And I whisper into your ear, get into the corner and I swing and throw you into the
02:11:03 corner.
02:11:03 And then I turn on my electric saw and back up into you.
02:11:08 - Okay, so we're going to give you a look roll for this.
02:11:12 - Okay.
02:11:16 - Minus two.
02:11:21 It's an eight minus two, so it's a six.
02:11:24 What's my reroll?
02:11:27 - You have your face reroll for standing up for what you believe in.
02:11:30 And then you have your gimmick reroll, which is for going old school.
02:11:38 - It's standing up for what I believe in because I believe in a wrestler should be
02:11:44 able to leave when they want.
02:11:46 And he's obviously very unhappy and that's not the point of wrestling.
02:11:50 - Roll them bones, roll them robot bones.
02:11:55 - Come on, don't be shit.
02:11:56 - Come on, fork.
02:11:57 - Oh no.
02:12:00 - What did you get?
02:12:03 - Legos!
02:12:06 - I can't die.
02:12:09 - So you flip mass into the turnbuckle, fine.
02:12:18 Boom, straight into the turnbuckle.
02:12:20 You turn around, you start up your buzzsaw and you start to back up towards them.
02:12:27 And then...
02:12:28 That's a nine.
02:12:37 You start to feel, see these sparks of electricity move up and down your limbs and up across your
02:12:48 body.
02:12:48 You hear the high-pitched whine of your buzzsaw start to slow and slow and slow.
02:12:54 You find yourself unable to control the body of the fork anymore.
02:12:58 And you find the limbs stiffening, the legs stiffening, and then boom, you find yourself
02:13:06 lying prone on the ground, unable to move as more sparks burst off yourself and more
02:13:11 bits of metal start to smolder and burn under the heat of this kind of damage it's suffering.
02:13:17 I'm so sorry, mass.
02:13:22 The overdrive is kicked in and you find yourself being moved towards the prone body of the
02:13:30 fork.
02:13:30 - No!
02:13:31 - Echoes out in a voice that isn't necessarily my voice.
02:13:36 Maybe a recording from the past.
02:13:38 Mass is going to go for the nuclear fusion leg drop.
02:13:43 - Oh!
02:13:44 - He's going to fight against it at every step.
02:13:48 - He's going to wrestle forever.
02:13:50 - Okay, so bear in mind you do have your re-rolls left for this match, I believe.
02:13:57 Roll on power for the leg drop.
02:14:00 Did we give you power or looks for the leg drop?
02:14:01 - I think it was power.
02:14:02 - I'm so hot.
02:14:03 Okay.
02:14:04 - Cool.
02:14:05 So that is a eight.
02:14:10 - That'll do it.
02:14:13 You go in again.
02:14:15 Talk us through that leg drop.
02:14:16 - Okay, so I run the ropes and power into it using all the momentum that I've built up.
02:14:23 But obviously I'm a robot.
02:14:24 I don't need it.
02:14:25 I stop.
02:14:26 Two little thrusters just out the back, me into the air with one quick burst.
02:14:32 My legs pivot and swing straight up into...
02:14:34 And then the thrusters on the back twist around again and fire me back down on top of the fork.
02:14:43 - Croom!
02:14:46 This huge metallic thunderous sound splits the metal even further on the prone and damaged
02:14:56 body of the fork who's being themselves overridden by cyber management just to make sure once again,
02:15:03 as always, as he has done for over 500 years, that the immortal Mass Maxwell never dies
02:15:08 and the immortal Mass Maxwell always gets over.
02:15:12 Lo?
02:15:14 Is there anything you'd like to say?
02:15:20 - There is a crackling speaker that is in the robot begging you to stop because you
02:15:27 don't know what's at risk.
02:15:28 - What are you doing, Mass?
02:15:31 - I am going to, in an attempt to circumvent my programming and fight against what's happening,
02:15:38 I'm going to try to do something that they would want me to do that might be a bit underhand.
02:15:42 I'm going to hit the leg drop again.
02:15:43 - Go for it.
02:15:47 Roll on power.
02:15:48 - That is a 10.
02:15:51 - That's a 10.
02:15:54 Once again, same thing.
02:15:55 It's Maxwell.
02:15:57 Take us through the entire process again.
02:15:59 - This time, this time is a little bit more at the beginning.
02:16:00 I do the, I actually start to hype up the crowd before the leg drop and then I run in and I
02:16:06 hit it the exact same way I have hit it now for 500 years, except at the top,
02:16:13 I would like to attempt something.
02:16:16 So at the peak, the charges that were on my leg that fire off the pyrotechnics that scorch
02:16:22 my opponents, I'd like to try to pop one off in the process of hitting the leg drop and
02:16:29 try to hold it over my chest as I land.
02:16:32 - Okay, you're going to have to make a, okay, to get one popped off, first it's going to
02:16:40 be a work roll just to pop the buster off.
02:16:41 - Oh, it's a 10.
02:16:45 - Yeah, you managed to pop the thing off.
02:16:47 And now I'm going to need you to make a straight 2d6 roll.
02:16:52 - I'm going to have to use a re-roll, I reckon.
02:16:59 I got four.
02:17:00 I got a five.
02:17:03 - Oh, no.
02:17:04 - Can I argue?
02:17:07 Because my re-roll was to really of my former glory.
02:17:10 And I've realized over many years, 500 years, that part of your glory as a wrestler and
02:17:16 a performer is losing sometimes so that you can make a comeback and so that people can
02:17:21 be excited about you.
02:17:23 Being there permanently, being there every single day doesn't make people excited for
02:17:28 you.
02:17:28 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
02:17:30 Go for it.
02:17:34 Roll those 2d6.
02:17:35 - Oh, God.
02:17:36 - Or you're not going to believe it.
02:17:41 - What?
02:17:42 - Oh!
02:17:44 - Natty 12s.
02:17:48 Okay.
02:17:53 So first off, Lola, I want you to make a power roll for me.
02:17:58 - Okay, power.
02:18:01 That is a 11.
02:18:05 - It's an 11.
02:18:06 - Big.
02:18:07 - Wow.
02:18:08 Okay, so yeah, you can, okay, first off, you connect with a leg drop, another sickening,
02:18:14 not sickening, this is robots.
02:18:16 There's no goop here.
02:18:17 Another very dry, as the metal and metal collides and more damage is done to the body of the
02:18:23 fork.
02:18:25 I mean, you rip off this thruster from your, um, uh, rip this thruster from your
02:18:31 leg and hold it against the exposed black box.
02:18:36 And I mean, you're a robot, you have no nerve endings, but you swear on some kind of
02:18:42 metaphysical level.
02:18:44 You can feel something.
02:18:46 And as the heat burns across your chest, um, and as the heat from your thrusters
02:18:52 starts to genuinely damage the exterior of this black box,
02:18:58 your mind is now cast back through the multitudinous stages of your career.
02:19:04 And you find yourself focusing on your glory days, your glory days where,
02:19:07 where before you were part of this bells and whistles show of technical wizardry,
02:19:13 you were a proper old school fighter and wrestler.
02:19:17 Um, one of the, one of the most beloved and one of the most respected, uh, in the history
02:19:23 of professional wrestling.
02:19:24 Um, and as that memory fills your mind, you remember why you wanted to wrestle in the
02:19:34 first place.
02:19:34 Why was that, Mass Maxwell?
02:19:37 In the first place, I wanted to secure a future for myself and my family.
02:19:47 I wanted to become a legend.
02:19:48 And is this how a legend goes out?
02:19:59 Lo on that 11, you mass, everybody at home across the country, across the world, sees
02:20:09 the smoking damaged, broken beyond repair body of the fork and mass.
02:20:18 You find yourself looking at it.
02:20:21 You feel yourself fading.
02:20:25 You hold that burning torch against your black box has the metal smelts and smokes.
02:20:31 You could very well go out today.
02:20:36 Is this the way you want to do it?
02:20:38 I've tried this thousands of times and I've never come this far.
02:20:47 I'm going all the way.
02:20:55 Lo two things first, is there anything you want to say as you see mass doing this?
02:20:59 I want to help.
02:21:02 And I think I know how on that 11.
02:21:08 Lolo, tell us what we see emerging from the wreckage of the fork.
02:21:15 I'm from the fork.
02:21:18 You see one sheet of chest pop open and a very muscular, very burnt, very broken woman
02:21:28 comes out from the machinery.
02:21:29 She could never quite get away from not wanting to be in the ring with you.
02:21:36 So she was inside the machine and is now broken.
02:21:42 And one arm is kind of screwed and her neck is off, but she wants to help.
02:21:48 And she's been studying engineering for years and she can see you're in pain.
02:21:52 So with the burning in your chest is kicking up.
02:21:58 I rip open my oil and the tubes and I pour it over you to create some kind of extra heat
02:22:08 while I use what power is left in my soul to make sparks to get fire up to heat and
02:22:14 give you more heat to try and open up as much as possible for you.
02:22:18 Mass for the first time in 500 years, you are looking into the eyes of a living,
02:22:28 breathing, real life wrestler, a human being who enters the ring themselves.
02:22:35 You've got crazy guts, kid.
02:22:38 [Laughter]
02:22:44 Yeah, sorry.
02:22:45 I think after all this time, brother, mass is over.
02:22:54 And I want to try and throw her as far away from the flames and the fire as possible.
02:23:00 Roll on power.
02:23:03 [Rolling]
02:23:05 That is a 13.
02:23:06 Yeah, in a feat of...
02:23:11 It's a giant robot against a person.
02:23:13 Yeah, you fling the body of...
02:23:18 What is your name?
02:23:19 Danny.
02:23:21 Woman.
02:23:22 Danny.
02:23:22 You fling the body of Danny, the woman behind the fork, across the ring.
02:23:26 They stumble into the ropes in the turnbuckle opposite side of where you are
02:23:30 as the fire starts to spread.
02:23:33 I'm just going to crawl to the other corner and keep that torch burning.
02:23:39 And you're just going to let these...
02:23:45 Sorry, Lo?
02:23:47 No, go on.
02:23:48 I don't know if...
02:23:50 By all means, say something.
02:23:50 You want to say something?
02:23:51 Or do something.
02:23:53 I'm concerned that it's not going to be enough.
02:23:55 This is like oil and fire on metal.
02:23:59 It needs everything in its power to get right down to the core
02:24:04 so that you can peacefully die, I guess.
02:24:07 Can't mess it with you, you always want to die.
02:24:09 The last time I didn't want to.
02:24:10 Anyway.
02:24:10 So I can see that you're just not going to be able to do it on your own.
02:24:18 You're a wrestler, you're not a mechanic.
02:24:20 I'm a mechanic, so I can do this.
02:24:23 So I go back towards you and I get one of the forks off my hands.
02:24:28 I release it and it's tattered and I use it to pry open your cavity as much as possible
02:24:34 to let the flames and the heat get in.
02:24:36 My arms are burning, but I know that you need to do this and I need to let you do this.
02:24:41 And so yeah, I try and open the cavity further so that he can finally be consumed.
02:24:46 Can you make a real roll for me?
02:24:50 Real?
02:24:51 Minus one.
02:24:56 That is 10.
02:24:58 10?
02:24:59 Bloody hell.
02:25:01 Oh, sorry.
02:25:03 I couldn't count and I was like, minus one.
02:25:07 You sound like you rolled a critical fail.
02:25:09 I was like, she's gonna die!
02:25:11 Oh, no.
02:25:12 Yeah, so you push this with your own bare hands now.
02:25:20 Your arms are charred and burning.
02:25:21 You can smell your own flesh cooking.
02:25:24 It wouldn't be a Lolo character if some flesh wasn't having something horrible done to it.
02:25:27 You can smell your own flesh cooking.
02:25:30 These sort of really meaty muscles on your arms bulge as you put your real human physical
02:25:37 strength into this and pry open the cavity further and further and further until finally
02:25:43 you see the entire black box in its totality.
02:25:46 A perfect cube of memory and legacy reduced to a now barely visible pile of smoke and
02:25:56 melted metal and the tiniest glimmering little light that is about to blink out.
02:26:01 I want to hear your last words to Mass Maxwell.
02:26:03 Thank you.
02:26:07 And Mass, what is the very last thing you see before you're finally granted
02:26:16 the peace you want?
02:26:16 Thank you, kid.
02:26:18 You've...
02:26:19 For the first time in 500 years, I've seen someone who's got the stuff.
02:26:25 The actual human stuff.
02:26:30 You don't need machines.
02:26:31 You don't need robots.
02:26:32 Bring back wrestling.
02:26:34 I will.
02:26:38 Ooh, and the light finally fades.
02:26:44 And Mass Maxwell finally rests.
02:26:49 The shot now pans out and zooms out and we see from an aerial view the smouldering metal
02:27:04 strewn arena, the body of the greatest wrestler in history, shut down on the mat and standing
02:27:13 in the middle of the ring for the first time in 500 years, a living, breathing human wrestler.
02:27:22 And as one legacy ends, does another begin.
02:27:30 The crowd goes wild, but you listen and this doesn't quite sound like the normal synthetic
02:27:40 crowd being pumped through the arena all across the planet, the audience of the biggest and only
02:27:46 wrestling promotion in the world scream in adulation and joy at what they see, a sound
02:27:53 so deafening it reaches through the walls of the circle cubed and into your ears.
02:28:00 True wrestling has returned to CBW?
02:28:06 Yeah.
02:28:06 We solved robots.
02:28:09 [Applause]
02:28:11 Beautiful stuff, guys.
02:28:13 Thank you, everyone.
02:28:16 We really hope you enjoyed that episode of No Roles Barred set in cyber battle wars,
02:28:21 but what other CBWs would you like to see us tackle in these one shots?
02:28:25 So we decided this one, however, on our Patreon, patreon.com/norolesbarred.
02:28:30 Thank you, by the way, to these amazing legends for supporting us on Patreon.
02:28:35 You should do that too, please.
02:28:37 Because on that Patreon, we'll be putting up a poll very shortly with a list of alternate CBWs
02:28:43 and you get to decide where the next one shot will take place.
02:28:47 So in the meantime, please subscribe to Parts of Unknown because it's great.
02:28:51 We've got Explained, we've got Bookings, we've got QuizzleMania and this wonderful channel.
02:28:55 We really believe in it.
02:28:56 Subscribe and we'll see you next time for another episode of No Roles Barred.

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