Newbie's Perspective Archie 3000 Issues 11-12 Reviews
Transcript
00:00 RG3000, issue 11.
00:03 Oh no, multiple chapters.
00:05 RG stories work best when they're episodic, not dragged out into multiple parts.
00:10 And then they lose their charm.
00:12 And it doesn't help that the first panel doesn't involve characters we care about.
00:17 So RJ sees a bad-looking character on TV who doesn't look like a woman,
00:21 and he and Jughead joke about the horrible idea of Betty and Veronica with that hairstyle.
00:26 Somehow, despite not wanting to see them like that,
00:29 RG still tells them about the free makeover idea to get them to go there.
00:34 I assume he thinks they won't go through with it,
00:37 or at least they'd give up the hairstyle as soon as they get laughed at a second later.
00:42 Veronica thanks him, and I have to assume the call ended
00:45 before he said he'll blame this on Reggie saying that he tricked them into this.
00:50 Veronica makes me wonder if the thing they were looking at was brainwashing them into saying they want her hairstyle.
00:56 Because she doesn't show any emotion.
00:58 Why would they come over to RJ's house with wigs before revealing their true hair?
01:04 Why would they try to avoid startling him if they can't possibly know he'd be startled because they're smiling?
01:09 Meaning that they're still brainwashed.
01:12 Then RJ sees a commercial revealing that somehow, even if the hair gets shaved off,
01:16 it'll grow back in the same style instantly.
01:20 Why would the makeovers be free then?
01:22 In the next stand, somehow he's supposed to believe that everyone other than them would go get the new hairstyle, even Weatherby.
01:29 Everyone in the school must've been brainwashed into even deciding to visit Lady Zulu in the first place.
01:34 This is just a story that's scared of the future.
01:37 What's the point of even using RJ characters for this when so far their personalities haven't factored into the plot at all?
01:44 Weatherby tells them they should get a new hairstyle, but somehow he doesn't bring them directly to Zulu.
01:50 Like he could've easily been brainwashed into doing.
01:53 Instead they stand on a conveyor belt that takes them to her by coincidence, which is less likely.
01:59 Then out of nowhere, it turns out Jughead was already transformed by her.
02:03 Is this a dream of his?
02:05 It eventually turns out Jughead was just wearing a wig to pretend he got the hairstyle.
02:10 Which even makes sense because he could've gotten the idea from Betty.
02:14 She wants to make everyone her salon slaves, but so far all it does is make people want more people to get brainwashed into wanting more people to get that hairstyle.
02:23 So while it's still bad, it's harmless compared to Eggman.
02:27 The story only has RJ's parents get brainwashed for the cheap shock value.
02:32 Because I'm sure they won't be used against him, and even if they were, they'd just do the same thing any other brainwashed victim would.
02:39 But if they don't, it's not even gonna factor into the plot. They could've been just as horrified from seeing any person in this position.
02:46 And they'd be spurred into action just the same.
02:49 If she was really taking advantage of this concept, she'd surround herself with her brainwashed minions as human shields.
02:55 And the same can be said of Eggman with the Robians.
02:59 And he also could've made them try to attack the heroes a lot.
03:02 But since the whole reason I didn't like the Robian concept was because of how dark it was, I'm glad he didn't.
03:09 Because it's often to the blow that he didn't do stuff like that, as well as constantly successfully roboticizing characters we liked.
03:17 Another problem I had with it.
03:19 Eventually, Dilton uses an invention to shoot a net at a robot.
03:23 I only saw one robot in charge of getting more people to do makeovers.
03:28 I'm just left to assume that robots like this cause everyone in their school to get their haircuts.
03:32 But that's not explained.
03:34 Dilton says he recognized Zulu's hairdo from science class.
03:38 The hairdos are actually aliens, and he assumes that her magic mirror is also alien.
03:43 Dilton says the mold spores make people susceptible to simple suggestions from her hair slaves.
03:49 And yet, Betty and Veronica did instantly try to break into Archie's house and drag them over to Lady Zulu, somehow.
03:55 This would be like if the first Zombots were not trying to infect people.
03:59 Dilton assumes that Zulu is trying to take over the world.
04:02 So I guess his logic is that she's gonna alter the brainwashing instruction from "try to get more slaves made" to "follow the laws" after that.
04:11 Otherwise, her goal is pointless.
04:13 She won't take over the government that way, just change hairstyles.
04:17 Archie says that theory sounds stupid, which is to write a lampshade on how needlessly weird this is.
04:23 But it's no reason to be skeptical now.
04:25 Although if he turns out to be right, that sentence is just gonna be foreshadowing.
04:30 Jokehead's smart enough to believe him, and points out that even bald people suddenly get hair because of the makeover.
04:36 Somehow, he still doesn't believe him and at least apologizes.
04:41 But an idiot protagonist isn't sympathetic.
04:44 He also lampshades them not being affected.
04:47 It turns out their plan is to go to Zulu's and disguise themselves as girls.
04:51 Why do they need to do that instead of disguising themselves as boys?
04:55 It's just for much-needed comedy.
04:58 But it's not funny enough to really be worth it.
05:01 Jokehead wants to go look for clues, but immediately fails because Moose grabs Archie and Jokehead.
05:07 This story just makes the KISS story arc look even less original.
05:11 And worse, because this is just barely a good story.
05:15 Because it usually fills in every plot hole I think about.
05:19 I can't say I respect its tone for the Archie franchise, but I've seen worse.
05:24 Just as Archie and Jokehead are being threatened, Zulu gets told she needs to be somewhere else.
05:29 So she walks away and Moose and Dilton reveal that they only pretended to be brainwashed,
05:34 using wigs that are actually rare members of the fungus species that are against Zulu's plan.
05:39 How did Dilton get these guys?
05:41 It'd make more sense if the story kept it simple and they wore wigs, because it's so unlikely they'd have gotten their help.
05:48 Eventually, it's finally explained why these people were immune to the brainwashed spores.
05:53 They've all been using the same foot powder to treat that foot rash from Gym Class.
05:58 Well, it should've been explained right away.
06:00 You don't leave a huge gaping plot hole open that long.
06:04 But it's still a relief that they bothered to explain this.
06:08 It's too bad the story's padded out by showing them planning instead just cutting to the part where they spray people at the meeting.
06:14 That's because Dilton put foot powder in the ventilation system.
06:18 And to think, they could've easily not been immune.
06:22 So because they all lucked out, Dilton's the only impressive one here because he's the only one who even did anything.
06:28 And then it turns out that the aliens helping the heroes were actually other aliens who were only posing as the fungus aliens.
06:34 And there's species who want to take over the world too.
06:37 And realistically, Dilton's theory was wrong and Zulu actually wanted to bring world peace all along.
06:43 Well, of course she would've achieved world peace if she took over the world regardless.
06:47 And it is a lot more likely that someone would want world peace instead of wanting to take over the world, so this is actually more realistic.
06:54 Hermia's mind control is supposed to wear off after everyone learns to live in peace.
06:59 But that never happened because that's against human nature.
07:02 So stop treating her like she's a good guy.
07:04 Nobody talked about how you should all get along with everybody.
07:09 Somehow, there's a whole alien species that thrives on suffering and strength.
07:14 Eventually, Regi falls through the window above them, breaking it with his footwear and holding a rope to go down it.
07:20 There's no way the window would break because it's the future.
07:24 Of course he's immune for the same reason and he came back with the prince of the fungus aliens who's wearing nose plugs.
07:31 He really got lucky by meeting him.
07:33 It's such a narrative cheat that Zulu was drawn with an evil smirk even once if we're supposed to believe she had good intentions the whole time.
07:40 But it makes sense that she didn't explain herself to everybody she brainwashed because that would take forever and she didn't know Archie was the main character.
07:48 One of the evil aliens lampshades that he hates being ignored by these chatterboxes who think talking is a free option.
07:55 Out of nowhere, Regi says "Simon Says" and snaps his finger along with the alien on his head and the alien tells the bad guy to croak like a frog.
08:04 And that turns him into a frog because somehow these aliens can't resist obeying anyone who says "Simon Says".
08:10 It should be explained that they were brainwashed into that.
08:13 After all, you literally have their enemy species capable of brainwashing.
08:17 At that point, why don't they simply jump on them to brainwash them directly?
08:22 I assume the bad guys were immune to that brainwashing and could only follow their orders if they said "Simon Says" since the code word they were brainwashed with an object into following.
08:32 Surprisingly, even Zulu gets turned into a frog.
08:35 The shapeshifters get forced into turning into vacuums.
08:38 The aliens all plan to leave the planet and eventually do so in a rocket.
08:43 It's extremely convenient that Zulu's giving up.
08:47 At "Direct Out of Nowhere" it says "Kai" and it turns out that all this epic story was just a movie Archie and his friends were hired to perform.
08:53 This was brilliant writing to make up for how it was way too dramatic and weird for the Archie series and weren't taking advantage of the Archie characters at all.
09:01 Instead, the writer actually had the self-awareness to realize what wasn't right for the Archie series.
09:06 And this planet works in fiction where the main characters get hired for a movie with the excuse that the actual actors didn't show up.
09:14 So this could make sense but it should have been explained to them.
09:17 Because it's not very likely.
09:19 They get given a bunch of dollar bills and somehow Jughead says no one used them in a thousand years.
09:26 What are people supposed to do when their debit machine isn't working?
09:30 The spaceship leaves and the story ends with it being revealed that the two alien species were real after all.
09:36 Which is good because in Archie 3000, aliens are a real part of their society.
09:41 So why not? It wouldn't be self-aware for them not to exist.
09:45 And the supposedly evil aliens are finally humanized realistically because they're watching a movie at a drive-in theater that would have long since gone the way of the dodo.
09:55 That story went on too long.
09:57 Although it's technically good compared to most of the bad stories I've read.
10:01 Because it filled in most of its plot holes.
10:04 This story is by Rich Marco Poulos.
10:07 Archie 3000, issue 12.
10:10 Oh no, another story that's multiple parts.
10:13 At least there seems to be a premise that have enough happening to justify it because all of the Archie gang wants to order a dream for themselves.
10:21 It's explained that there's a weather manipulator system and the signals get affected by the storm.
10:27 Because lightning hits the satellite dish since it's made of metal.
10:31 But once the signals just not go out at all then because the dish was destroyed, it would be destroyed.
10:39 And sadly the characters don't even realize immediately that they got the wrong dream.
10:44 Okay, there's no reason to review Archie's dream because it takes place back in time.
10:49 Which destroys the point of putting it in Archie 3000.
10:53 Archie's dream doesn't go on for more than a few panels before Veronica's comes up.
10:58 She's expected as a chef who's supposed to make a new recipe.
11:02 There's a robot right there but he won't do anything.
11:06 And Jughead's story doesn't be a private eye.
11:09 Which was already used in Archie plenty of times.
11:13 That's worthless because it doesn't take place in the future.
11:16 Most of Archie is good so that's probably good too but it's not why I read this comic.
11:23 So after that cliche, we see that Betty's in a spaceship looking for a lazy MacGuffin.
11:29 A fire Ruby being guarded by magical fire cougars.
11:34 It's also easy to come up with that a Ruby would be on fire because red is the color of heat.
11:41 She finally explains in her thoughts that her astronaut suit is keeping the aliens from hearing, smelling, or even seeing her.
11:49 Veronica complains that she's not getting a good romance.
11:53 And then out of nowhere she does get flirted with and even proposed to.
11:58 So now she's getting the dream she wanted.
12:01 Oh I guess the storm was over.
12:03 And Betty ends up just barely getting the Ruby and giving it to an alien in exchange for papers to find out her real identity according to the dream.
12:13 It cuts ahead to Betty describing her dream to Archie because apparently Archie and all of his friends are so close that they always tell each other their dreams.
12:22 I guess they only do that when they ordered a custom dream.
12:25 Because that'd make more sense since they never really see them discuss their dreams.
12:29 They eventually figure out that a lot of people got the wrong dream and they're overloaded by complaints at the building for it.
12:37 But are offered a refund.
12:39 It's so nice of Archie and his friends to refuse the refund because they liked their dreams anyways.
12:45 But it's also very stupid of them.
12:48 It's eventually explained why they liked the dreams for making it take longer to get the dream they actually wanted.
12:55 Which meant the endings were all the more satisfying.
12:58 Nevermind that it was only from luck that they got what they wanted.
13:02 Archie tells her to keep up the good work.
13:05 The next story has Reggie and Archie get distracted by the beauty of some girl from the colony worlds.
13:11 Who calls them male specimens even though they mostly look human.
13:15 Clearly they're alien-human hybrids.
13:19 They ask them out and they happily forget about their girlfriends to date them.
13:24 At first it's not interesting until one of them is too literal-minded.
13:28 And it turns out that Archie's date ordered three of everything in the menu.
13:33 If she thought he knew this was normal for his species, why did she say "I guess you knew" when he clearly was surprised?
13:41 Why doesn't he instantly call off the date and leave with his money?
13:45 It's not like he'll want to keep dating her after this and he could always go to Veronica for kisses.
13:51 Meanwhile, Reggie's date at the fly-in seems great.
13:54 So it doesn't get interesting until he's told her genes are unstable and her true form is terrifying.
14:00 She might never get married if she keeps showing her true form on the first date as a test of true love.
14:07 It kinda makes sense because if she showed it on the fifth date, she'd be all the more upset because she had the time to get attached to that person.
14:16 I know he gets scared, but compared to what Archie went through, he has no excuse to ditch her.
14:22 She still seems nice, which is way better than Veronica.
14:26 Meanwhile, she's right back to her pretty human form he can kiss all he wants.
14:31 Archie gets proposed to right away when she should've known she'd be turned down.
14:36 And for some reason, even though he's already gonna upset her by saying no anyways,
14:42 he still blames his parents for why to soften the blow before running away.
14:47 The next day, Veronica tries to invite the two of them to a colony world and the story ends as they run away scared.
14:54 I wish I didn't go that far in punishing them when I don't really think they deserve it since it's Veronica they were cheating on.
15:01 And she cheats on them like it's normal.
15:03 I didn't blame them for wanting to try a nice, steady girlfriend.
15:08 So they should've done something actually bad to deserve all of this.
15:13 She cheats on them all the time, so she's clearly not really in love with them.
15:18 In the next story, Dilton's friends are hiding from him when they're a little old to be playing hide and seek.
15:24 Not that it's a bad thing.
15:26 He gets lured over to a decoy voice box playing a recording of his friends.
15:32 And he gets hit by snowballs being fired out of their snow blasters.
15:36 He says it's cheating to use a decoy.
15:38 And Veronica graciously saying that he can take some pot shots at them is pointless because they dodge anyways.
15:45 I hope we're saying that his aim is improving made him feel better.
15:49 But he storms off like it didn't.
15:52 Veronica tells Archie not to worry because he'll win one day with a better partner.
15:57 Later on, Dilton's finally acting cool for once because he plans to give those jerks a taste of their own medicine with his science scope.
16:04 By making the largest snow blaster ever.
16:07 Which is programmed to hunt down his targets.
16:10 It's almost like they should have known better than to bully the dragon.
16:14 Thankfully, after forever, Veronica gets hit by a slush bomb.
16:18 When she's at her swimming pool in her bathing suit.
16:21 And it's right after she makes fun of Dilton when Archie tells her to apologize.
16:25 Reggie also acts like a jerk again and gets called an idiot and hit in the face with a snowball as karma.
16:31 Surprisingly, Dilton actually goes too far because in the days that follow, he constantly gets him hit with snowballs over and over again.
16:40 It should be explained that he's doing this once for every time he lost to them because they cheated.
16:46 Because he's supposed to be a good guy.
16:49 But it's cooler this way.
16:51 It's so rare for him to have to learn a lesson that it's wrong to abuse his technology.
16:56 Because he's not an unlikable jerk.
16:59 Veronica says she's a nervous wreck who never knows when she'll get hit by snowballs next.
17:04 And conveniently, she says that now she knows how he felt.
17:08 When I wouldn't expect her to say that.
17:11 When Dilton challenges them to another game, even though he's holding the normal snow blaster, they run away.
17:19 And the story ends with them looking sad as Betty feels bad for him.
17:23 And she's somehow been oblivious to what her friends have been going through the whole time.
17:28 It's a relief that the story wasn't ambivalent enough to have him or someone else say that this is what he deserves for abusing his science.
17:35 Because we already got it.
17:37 The first story is by Kathleen Webb.
17:40 The second is by Rich Margo Poulos.
17:43 And so is the third story.