Pigs Is Pigs (1954)
Transcript
00:00 [no audio]
00:04 [music]
00:08 [music]
00:12 [THEME MUSIC]
00:15 [THEME MUSIC]
00:18 [THEME MUSIC]
00:47 In the West Coast Railway Station in the year 1905,
00:51 the agent there was Flannery, the best there was alive.
00:56 Flannery ran his station exactly by the rule.
01:00 He tried to learn each one by heart,
01:02 just like a kid in school.
01:04 There were rules for each occasion that
01:06 applied from tools to mules.
01:09 There were rules about behavior and rules defining rules.
01:12 [CLATTERING]
01:14 [HORN BLOWING]
01:17 [THUD]
01:20 Ah, two guinea pigs.
01:22 Hm.
01:24 You sure don't look like pigs to me.
01:26 But the writing's plain to see.
01:29 It says you are, and there's no doubt
01:31 that pigs is what you be.
01:33 [THEME MUSIC]
01:36 Whenever a customer chance to call,
01:40 Flannery let him try until he could look up the rule
01:44 to greet the fellow by.
01:46 [CLEARING THROAT]
01:47 Oh, let's see.
01:49 Oh, yes.
01:50 Good morning to you, says section two.
01:52 And don't forget to smile.
01:55 Morning it was.
01:56 I'll have you knew I've been standing here a while.
01:59 I'm supposed to say, I'm sorry, sir.
02:02 It says in ruling three.
02:04 Dry your tears and save your sneers.
02:06 Have your box of pits for me.
02:07 Indeed I have.
02:09 [THEME MUSIC]
02:10 Two guinea pigs.
02:11 See pigs, page 43.
02:15 According to the book of rules, your pets are pigs, you see.
02:21 Pigs, $0.48.
02:23 Pets, $0.44.
02:25 What?
02:26 Guinea pigs ain't pigs.
02:27 They're pets.
02:28 And I'm paying $0.44.
02:30 Pigs is pigs at $0.48.
02:32 And rules is rules, what's more.
02:34 Fools is fools, you stubborn fool.
02:36 Will you not take $0.44?
02:38 The regular rate is $0.48.
02:42 Very well then.
02:44 You take the high rate, and I'll take the lower rate.
02:48 And I'll not pay you over $0.44.
02:52 Whenever an agent gets in a debate,
02:54 and there is an argument over the rate,
02:57 the agent must fire for a ruling of I,
02:59 and hold on to the package until they reply.
03:02 Hold them then and harm them not.
03:05 And when you find you're wrong, deliver them to my address.
03:09 Help me, hail Armstrong.
03:11 Then Flannery sat down and sent a telegram away,
03:18 never dreaming he'd regret it until his dying day.
03:21 Supervisor's office, big town on the drive.
03:27 Flannery to Morgan, May 6, 1905.
03:30 Holding two animals in a crate.
03:32 Big dispute regarding rate.
03:34 Is a guinea pig a pig or pet?
03:36 Give ruling on the rate to set.
03:38 Flannery.
03:40 The supervisor's office was the pride of the company.
03:43 It received old Flannery's telegram
03:44 with trained efficiency.
03:47 They examined the wire and immediately dated it,
03:50 stamped the receipts, and then communicated it
03:52 to the department.
03:53 They quadruplicated it.
03:54 Copies were sent out to all of the staff.
03:57 Each copy received was filed and related to copies of copies,
04:00 then checked and notated.
04:01 Nine copies of each were then validated
04:04 and contents were noted in ink on a graph.
04:06 A cabbage a day keeps the doctor away.
04:12 Now, both of you need a name.
04:15 I'll call one of you Pat, and let me see--
04:19 Mike, I'll name the other.
04:21 But he quickly changed it to Marie,
04:25 when Mike became a monk.
04:27 The saints be praised.
04:29 Now, ain't that fine?
04:32 I'm a family man meself.
04:33 [SCATTING]
04:36 The guard's last wire of mine.
04:48 Instead of just two guinea pigs, I now am all to nine.
04:54 The legal department was then delegated
04:56 to study the problem now so complicated,
04:58 when all of the data was accumulated to make a report
05:01 and to tell what they know.
05:02 The president wanted a full explanation,
05:04 as well as an overall clarification of Flannery's
05:07 wire that wanted to know if a pig was a pig,
05:10 and to please tell him so.
05:12 Now, the grandchild of the first two pigs
05:14 had grandsons by the dozens.
05:16 And every time the clock would strike,
05:18 there were 50 brand new cousins.
05:20 [SCREAMING]
05:23 [MUSIC PLAYING]
05:26 The board of directors convened and debated
05:33 the question of pigs, and were they
05:34 related to pigs or to rabbits, as once indicated by evidence
05:37 found by the fact-finding staff?
05:40 A boy in the office had first advocated it,
05:42 then a zoology professor dictated it.
05:44 Here is the answer, and here's how he stated it.
05:48 I reiterate on the company's behalf,
05:51 the guinea pig is the cavia aporoia,
05:55 while the common pig is the genus
05:57 sus of the family Suidae.
06:00 They are not pigs.
06:02 A 44 cent rate applaud.
06:03 [MUSIC PLAYING]
06:06 10 copies were sent to the filing clerk
06:10 and 10 to O'Shaughnessy.
06:12 Then 20 more in triplicate were sent on to McGee.
06:15 McGee will make 1,000 more for all the clerks
06:18 to see, for the janitor, and the auditor,
06:20 and the rest of the company.
06:22 100 were sent to the engineers, and the firemen each got four.
06:26 The section hands got three apiece,
06:27 and the hobos 20 more.
06:29 With monotonous regularity, those pigs
06:34 produced more pigs, while Flannery
06:35 tried to stem the tide by playing them Irish chigs.
06:39 [MUSIC PLAYING]
06:42 [MUMBLING]
06:45 Regarding the McMore house pigs,
07:08 the 44 cent rate applies.
07:09 Signed, Morgan.
07:10 [MUSIC PLAYING]
07:14 When Flannery got the telegram, straight down the road
07:18 he tore to take the news to McMore house.
07:20 But--
07:21 McMore house doesn't live here anymore.
07:24 [LAUGHTER]
07:27 Then Flannery wired the office.
07:29 Tell me quick, what do I do?
07:32 There is no rule to cover the case, so now it's up to you.
07:37 Not me.
07:38 CPP.
07:39 C Joe.
07:40 C Jack.
07:40 C Larry.
07:41 C Tom.
07:41 C Dick.
07:42 C Harry.
07:43 Then a clever young clerk made a recommendation,
07:45 the pigs should be sent to the main office station.
07:47 He never did know of the multiplication of two pigs
07:49 that grew to a million and two.
07:50 [MUSIC PLAYING]
07:52 Flannery loaded the pigs in crates, in boxes, bags,
07:56 and sacks.
07:56 He filled 600 boxcars up, according to the facts.
08:03 After loading all the pigs but two, and looking weak and one,
08:08 Flannery turned to the pigs and said, you've begot and begot.
08:14 Now, begone.
08:15 [MUSIC PLAYING]
08:18 They unloaded the cars at the main office station
08:29 and filled up the warehouse.
08:30 And in desperation, they stored away
08:31 pigs in the whole corporation.
08:33 The president shouted until he was hoarse.
08:34 [SOBBING]
08:37 Three officials submitted a signed resignation,
08:39 complaining of pigs in the organization.
08:41 The president demanded an investigation
08:43 of Flannery, pigs, and the whole office force.
08:45 [TICKING]
08:47 Dear President, 'tis not so bad as it seemed to be once.
08:54 What if all those million guinea pigs had all been elephants?
09:00 [LAUGHING]
09:03 [MUSIC PLAYING]
09:06 Boo!
09:08 [YELLING]
09:11 [HORN HONKING]
09:13 [CROWD APPLAUDING]
09:16 From that day forward, Flannery swore--
09:19 No more will I be a fool.
09:22 Whenever it comes to livestock, ask every single rule.
09:26 If the animals come in singles or if they come in sets,
09:29 if they've got four feet and they're alive,
09:32 they'll be classified as pets.
09:35 [MUSIC PLAYING]
09:38 [MUSIC PLAYING]
09:42 [MUSIC PLAYING]
09:45 you
09:47 [BLANK_AUDIO]