• last year
Hello, fearless listeners of MomCave LIVE! Today, we've lured the mastermind behind 'The Brave Art of Motherhood' out from the trenches of teen negotiations and tantrum filled epicenters. Forget the usual author intro; we're here to chat about the messy, marvelous world of momming, where the only plot twist is figuring out who hid the remote. So, grab your coffee, lock the bathroom door (if you can), and let's embark on a hilarious journey through the pages of motherhood with the one and only Rachel Martin!


Get Rachel's Books here:
The Brave Art of Motherhood: https://amzn.to/3QJ8rzj
Mom Enough: https://amzn.to/476gBIR

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Transcript:
Jen: So welcome to MomCave LIVE, where we may have lost our minds, but we haven't lost our senses of humor. I'm Jen from MomCave. Every week, I have a guest with me. This week, I have someone I'm going to make appear on the screen like magic. Tada!

Rachel Martin: Here I am.

Jen: There she is, from behind the curtain. Rachel Martin, otherwise known in all the places as Finding Joy. Yes?

Rachel Martin: That is true. People actually think my name is Joy.

Jen: That's kind of cute. It would have been really cool if your name was Joy, but

Rachel Martin: It would have been, but then I'm like, am I finding myself? But I guess that's the story. So.

Jen: Right, right. So, we're gonna talk about your books, and we're going to talk about a bunch of things and hang out. Anyone who's here and wants to talk with us in the comments, just pop in. The most you had a post go viral a while back. We're just talking about how we were in the OG mommy blogger years.

Rachel Martin: That's right.

Jen: What was the title of that post? About mean moms?

I'm a mean mom, and that's totally fine

Rachel Martin: Oh, you know, I don't even know. I think I probably titled it like, "I'm the mean mom, and I'm okay with it." That sounds like what I would have titled it.

Jen: Mhm.

Rachel Martin: So I'm gonna.

Read More Here: https://www.momcavetv.com/mean-mom-a-subtle-but-powerful-art-momcave-live

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00 (phone ringing)
00:02 (dog barking)
00:02 - Honey, hurry!
00:03 (children yelling)
00:06 (upbeat music)
00:09 - So welcome to MomCave Live,
00:15 where we may have lost our minds,
00:17 but we haven't lost our senses of humor.
00:19 I'm Jen from MomCave,
00:21 and every week I have a guest with me,
00:23 and this week I have,
00:25 I'm gonna make her appear on the screen like magic.
00:27 Ta-da!
00:29 - Here I am.
00:30 - There she is, from behind the curtain.
00:33 Rachel Martin, who is otherwise known in all the places
00:37 as Finding Joy, yes?
00:40 - That is true.
00:40 People actually think my name is Joy.
00:43 - That's kind of cute.
00:44 It would be, it would have been really cool
00:45 if your name was Joy, but...
00:47 - It would have been, it would have been,
00:48 but then I'm like, am I finding myself?
00:50 But I guess that's the story, so.
00:52 - Right, right.
00:54 So we're gonna talk about your books,
00:56 and we're gonna talk about a bunch of things,
00:58 and hang out, and anybody who's here
01:00 and wants to talk with us in the comments, just pop in.
01:03 The most, you had a post go viral a while back.
01:08 We were just talking about how we were like
01:09 in the OG mommy blogger years.
01:12 - That's right.
01:13 - And what was the title of that post about mean moms?
01:18 - Oh, you know, I don't even know.
01:19 I think I probably titled it like,
01:20 "I'm the mean mom and I'm okay with it."
01:22 That sounds like what I would have titled it.
01:25 So I'm gonna just go with that.
01:27 That's what I'm gonna say it was.
01:28 - I like it.
01:29 Yeah, something along those lines.
01:32 I'm a mean mom, and that's totally fine.
01:34 - Right.
01:35 - So we thought we would talk a little bit about that,
01:38 and what being a mean mom means, and all of that.
01:42 So hop in the comments and let us know
01:44 why your kids think you're a mean mom.
01:47 Rachel, what is the most crazy reason
01:50 your children have ever called you a mean mom?
01:52 - Probably, it's always limits.
01:54 It's always when I set a limit.
01:56 Hands down, I can't think of any other time.
01:58 It's when I say the two words, well, two letters.
02:02 - Two letters, that big word.
02:04 - It is, it's a big word.
02:05 And it's those limits, but I always tell my kids
02:09 the limits are there 'cause I love 'em.
02:11 - Right. - Bottom line.
02:12 Bottom line.
02:13 Or I also love myself.
02:14 I know I can't do everything.
02:16 - That's right.
02:17 Yeah.
02:19 I asked my kids just about an hour ago,
02:23 we were having dinner,
02:24 and I asked them why I was a mean mom.
02:26 And they had countless reasons, really.
02:29 - Nice, that's nice that they listed them.
02:31 - Yeah, so there was no lack of reason.
02:34 But my eight-year-old's biggest reason
02:37 was that when she gets home from school,
02:40 the first thing I make her do is empty out her lunchbox
02:44 before she can play.
02:46 - Yes, hallelujah to that,
02:48 because I have one that if it doesn't get emptied
02:51 on Monday morning, I'm like,
02:53 dude, you have to be the one to open this
02:55 because opening it, it's like a thermos.
02:58 It's bad.
03:00 It's bad, it's bad.
03:01 And then the whole dishwasher experiences the bad.
03:05 So all morning I'm like,
03:06 (gasps)
03:07 I don't even wanna open it.
03:07 So I'm with you there.
03:09 I'm with you. - Totally.
03:09 - That's not mean.
03:10 That's mean. - It's not mean.
03:11 - That's practical.
03:12 - It's very practical.
03:13 It's saving everybody a lot of headache down the road.
03:16 - Right, right.
03:17 You're saving when people come in
03:19 that moment of awkwardness of what's that smell?
03:21 - What is that smell in this house?
03:22 I'm sure there are other smells in my house,
03:24 but luckily it's not a lunchbox.
03:26 - That is true.
03:27 That's true.
03:28 That's so true.
03:29 - Last Friday, my son who's 13,
03:32 he did not empty his lunchbox on Friday.
03:35 And so last Sunday night
03:37 when he was getting ready to pack his lunch,
03:39 he realized it and it was so gratifying
03:41 because he opened it up.
03:43 He was like, I can't do it.
03:45 I can't do it, mom.
03:46 And I made him do it.
03:48 And he was literally dry heaving
03:51 and totally got it.
03:53 Hopefully he will remember that in the future.
03:56 - I think they do.
03:57 I mean, actually I believe that's how they learn.
04:00 I have this story of my oldest.
04:02 So I used to live in Minnesota.
04:03 I live in Nashville now,
04:04 which everybody thinks is the coolest,
04:06 but, and it is cool.
04:07 I'm gonna say it's super cool.
04:09 But when I lived in Minnesota
04:10 and one of my oldest was young,
04:13 it gets sub zero there with wind chill,
04:16 where I would tell my kids,
04:17 like, if you go outside, put a smile on your face
04:20 'cause it's gonna freeze.
04:21 - Yeah.
04:21 - Anyway, we're at,
04:23 I think it was Kohl's back in Kohl's prime,
04:25 you know, heyday shopping days.
04:27 And I was there and I said,
04:29 you need to put your coat on right now.
04:31 Maybe she was three, four.
04:33 She refused.
04:33 I kept saying, you need to put your coat on.
04:35 No, no.
04:36 And it turned out being this tantrum
04:38 kind of experience in Kohl's.
04:40 So then I said, if you don't put your coat on,
04:44 I will not let you put your coat on
04:46 until you're in the car.
04:47 So.
04:48 - That was clever.
04:50 - Yes.
04:51 So then, you know, Kohl's,
04:52 it was like moms like me and also,
04:56 bless them, 80 plus year old women that were in there.
04:59 So as I'm taking my child out into the sub zero,
05:04 they see her without the coat.
05:07 And I'm like, just trying to teach a lesson,
05:09 just trying to teach a lesson.
05:11 And I remember walking painfully slow
05:14 because I knew she'd be fine.
05:16 But after that, the rest of the winter
05:18 and from that moment on, I was a coat.
05:20 I was a coat.
05:21 Let me put my coat on.
05:22 Never argued.
05:23 - Well, it worked, see?
05:25 - It did.
05:25 - It's nice being mom.
05:26 Do you remember any time that you particularly
05:30 thought your parents were mean?
05:33 You had a mean mom?
05:34 - Yeah.
05:35 Yeah.
05:36 I mean, I love my parents a lot.
05:38 Now in every book that I write,
05:39 I tell them how much I love them.
05:40 I try to include them to pay back for that.
05:43 - Right.
05:44 - I don't remember the specifics always,
05:45 but I just, I feel like it was like,
05:47 it was always linked to limits.
05:48 Like I would want to do something.
05:50 I would want to stay up late.
05:51 I would want to do whatever it was.
05:53 And when they would say no, I would push back.
05:56 And that's part of childhood is figuring out
05:59 what's the limits.
06:00 But that's where me and my,
06:03 it was really my mom and I,
06:04 we would just butt heads into the place
06:06 where my dad would walk in.
06:07 And he would always give us warning that he was coming.
06:11 Like you could hear the footsteps or something moving.
06:15 So I always knew like, get your act together,
06:17 get it together right now.
06:18 - Yes.
06:19 - Yeah.
06:20 - He was good at that.
06:21 He was a master at that.
06:22 - Oh, wow.
06:24 Yeah.
06:24 I think in my family, I'm like the bad guy.
06:27 I'm the bad mom.
06:29 - Really?
06:30 - More.
06:31 - Nice.
06:31 - Sometimes.
06:32 I don't know.
06:33 Yeah.
06:34 So they definitely think I'm meaner than daddy.
06:35 - Okay.
06:36 - You know, I'm not sure about it.
06:37 And I would love to hear some other people's reasons
06:41 that they are mean.
06:42 So you can let us know in the comments.
06:44 I think the number one reason I'm a mean mom,
06:48 and this one I actually do truly,
06:50 I actually feel guilty for this one.
06:52 - Okay.
06:52 - I will not let my family get a dog.
06:54 - Oh, you're talking to someone that just got a dog.
06:58 So I get it.
06:59 I get it.
07:00 I get it.
07:01 'Cause my husband and I both the other day,
07:02 we're like, what were we thinking?
07:05 So I get it.
07:06 - Yeah.
07:07 Like I know my limits, as you say,
07:08 I know my bandwidth.
07:10 We travel a ton,
07:13 house is a disaster as it is.
07:15 And we also rent our house.
07:16 Like we live in a sort of ski area.
07:18 So we rent our house out a lot on Airbnb.
07:21 And it's hard enough keeping it clean.
07:22 I can't imagine adding a living, breathing canine
07:27 to the chaos.
07:29 - Well, I can imagine.
07:30 And I did have that moment just two days ago
07:32 of what were we thinking?
07:34 Because we do like to travel.
07:35 I mean, there's a lot of limits in there that it brings.
07:38 I mean, it's unconditional love.
07:40 So you could be the mean mom
07:41 and somebody will still unconditionally love you.
07:44 - Oh, the dog will still love you.
07:45 - Yeah, the dog won't think you're mean.
07:47 - Never, never.
07:48 - No, no.
07:50 Do you think that it's more different stages of childhood
07:54 that this whole like your main mommy thing happens?
07:57 - I think it's, yeah, I would say it's phases.
08:00 To me, it's like when they're littler,
08:03 it's over more ridiculous things.
08:05 But as they get older,
08:06 it's definitely because they want more freedom.
08:10 And it's really, it's tough because I get it.
08:14 'Cause all of a sudden, most of history,
08:16 you're 16, 17, 18, you're on your own.
08:19 And now we're like, you guys, you're not on your own yet.
08:21 You're kind of really an adult,
08:22 but here, go do your homework and do all this stuff.
08:26 And so I feel like there's that tension
08:28 where they want the freedom.
08:30 And then they're stuck in a framework,
08:33 the school system or whatever it is
08:34 where they don't really have it all yet.
08:36 - Right, right.
08:37 So like physically they've matured and yeah.
08:41 Out in the wild. - We hope so, right.
08:43 - Out in the wild, they could be running around
08:47 and having babies,
08:48 but they'd also be fighting saber-toothed tigers.
08:50 And we are keeping them from all of that.
08:52 - Correct, and we provide food
08:54 'cause they're all very excited,
08:55 no matter what age, when I come back from the grocery store.
08:58 'Cause inevitably, Thursday,
09:00 we always do grocery shopping on Sunday.
09:01 Inevitably, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
09:04 I start to hear the rumblings of like,
09:06 are you gonna go to the store again?
09:07 Like we've never gone before.
09:09 Like it's actual almost panic.
09:10 - Like they're starving.
09:12 - Right, exactly, exactly.
09:14 They're just not choosing what's in the pantry.
09:17 - Exactly, it's yeah.
09:19 It might as well not exist
09:20 if it's not something they wanna eat.
09:22 - Right, Takis.
09:23 - Oh my goodness.
09:25 My daughter just discovered those.
09:28 Yeah, I've taken to having to hide some things.
09:33 - Oh, we do too.
09:33 - Yeah, okay, good.
09:34 I know I'm a mean mom.
09:36 In my desk here, in my working area,
09:39 there's a drawer and there are certain snacks in there
09:41 that hopefully, they'll find them eventually,
09:44 but for now, they don't know where those are.
09:46 'Cause otherwise they can't find them.
09:48 - Yeah, we have them hidden
09:49 because otherwise come Monday,
09:51 we start hearing, are you going to the grocery store again?
09:53 Because it's like feeding frenzy
09:55 and then there's nothing left.
09:57 So yeah, there's spots, there's spots.
10:01 - So that's a reason that they think that we're mean,
10:03 but in reality, we're really just like making sure
10:06 that their food lasts all week.
10:08 - That's so true.
10:10 That's so true, or at least it's food
10:13 that they want to have at the end of the week.
10:15 - Right, right.
10:16 - But now my kids, because they'll label everything.
10:19 So like in the refrigerator, if somebody doesn't finish,
10:22 if you don't label, it's a free for all.
10:24 So now you can go in there
10:26 and there's like Post-it notes and different things
10:29 so that people know that is that person's.
10:33 - And actually I label stuff too.
10:34 Like mine don't touch.
10:37 - Do they respect the label?
10:38 I feel like I could write anything on there
10:40 and if the kid wants it, they're going to take it.
10:42 - There's a mutual respect for the label
10:44 because if there wasn't, they know,
10:47 then their stuff is fair game.
10:49 So there is a definite mutual respect.
10:51 It's like the dividing line.
10:53 It's like the little thing that you put on the line
10:55 at the grocery store, the little between each other's thing.
10:58 It's like that type of respect
10:59 or the cones that you put in traffic.
11:01 The label, nobody messes with the label.
11:04 It's pretty much law.
11:05 - I like that.
11:06 I like that.
11:07 - Yeah, it's good.
11:08 - That's what a mean mom thinks.
11:08 Is there anything that you do,
11:13 like any mean mom move you've made
11:15 that you didn't think before you had kids,
11:17 you would be that mom?
11:19 - So my daughter, Grace, she's 22 now.
11:23 She loves to tell this story of like,
11:25 like it's actually, she tells it in such a way
11:28 where I still feel bad, but I don't have a lot of,
11:30 I don't have patience for lines.
11:32 I'm just gonna put it out there.
11:34 I don't have, I will inevitably choose
11:35 the wrong grocery line.
11:37 I will choose the wrong line in traffic.
11:40 If I go to Starbucks, there'll be a line.
11:42 And so my kids all know I have no patience.
11:44 And there's this time when she was maybe,
11:46 I mean, she was a teen.
11:47 So she, by this point knows I don't like lines.
11:50 I don't have patience.
11:51 And we're in Northern Minnesota and it was the summer
11:54 and we're going back to the cabin.
11:56 And I said, well, let's get, let's get Dairy Queen.
11:59 You know, a nice long thing.
12:00 So I go to the small town Dairy Queen
12:03 and the line, it's ridiculous.
12:06 I'm like, I can see that they're slow, they're behind.
12:10 So I wait a little bit and I turned to them and I said,
12:12 you know what, this line is too long.
12:13 Let's just get, let's just get ice cream
12:15 at the grocery store.
12:16 - Yeah.
12:17 - To this day, she will tell you,
12:18 can you believe that time?
12:19 It broke my heart.
12:20 She like traumatizes it.
12:22 - Oh.
12:23 - But I mean, those are the things like some
12:25 of the little quote unquote mean things.
12:28 They're not really that they, I think the kids like them
12:30 because they, now they, it's like one of those things
12:33 where they can laugh at like, oh, don't go to Dairy Queen.
12:35 Mom won't wait.
12:36 - Right.
12:37 Now they have like a story and they commiserate.
12:39 - They do.
12:40 - With the other about how mean.
12:41 - Right.
12:41 Like I forgot about it.
12:42 And then she starts telling it
12:43 and everybody else in the car is like, oh yeah,
12:45 I remember that.
12:46 It was a tragedy.
12:47 I'm like, are you kidding me?
12:48 (laughing)
12:49 She's like, I was planning on this blizzard
12:51 and I had all these toppings and I was ready to go.
12:54 And nope, here you are.
12:55 No patience.
12:56 Just zip that car right out of there.
12:58 - Well, it sounds like you must've been a pretty good mom
13:01 overall, if the most traumatizing thing
13:03 that ever happened to your 22 year old
13:04 is she didn't get Dairy Queen.
13:06 - Probably.
13:06 I would like to think that.
13:08 I would like to think that the boundaries
13:11 that we set actually help the relationship
13:14 is because they know we're that safe person.
13:17 That to me is the bottom line is it's not
13:19 because trying to be mean, I'm trying to do that.
13:21 It's just, I tell them like,
13:23 I have X number of years experience on you guys.
13:26 And I love you so much that I know
13:28 that this is the boundary.
13:29 - Right, right.
13:30 There's a lot with my 13 year old,
13:32 there's a lot of the sort of like,
13:34 yep, I know I felt exactly that same way.
13:37 Nope, that doesn't change my mind.
13:40 - Right.
13:41 It's rough though.
13:42 It is rough.
13:43 'Cause you look and oh, it's just,
13:45 I don't like that part.
13:47 I don't because I, well, just as my own thing.
13:51 I hate it when people are mad at me.
13:52 So then I'm like, they know that too.
13:54 So they know like, so then I'm like,
13:56 oh, they kind of feed that part.
13:58 And I'm like, okay.
14:00 - That's just one of the challenges
14:03 that we put up with people being mad at us.
14:06 Little people that live with us are often mad at us.
14:09 - Yes, they are.
14:10 Oh, and it's crazy when,
14:12 boy, I think back to when they were preschoolers
14:14 and how mad they could be.
14:17 Like it was the end of the world when it was bedtime.
14:20 - Right.
14:21 - Like now my kids are like, oh, can I just go to bed?
14:24 - Yeah.
14:25 - But when they were little, boy, I--
14:27 - How dare you?
14:27 - Yeah.
14:28 - Ruin their lives.
14:30 - Right, to get some sleep.
14:32 - Wow.
14:33 And now we would just kill for some sleep.
14:35 - Right.
14:36 - Can you tell everybody that's watching
14:38 about the new book that you have out?
14:41 - So before you and I went live,
14:43 we were talking about how we've been online for a long time.
14:46 And I've been writing my site, Finding Joy, since like 2009.
14:51 And about 2011, I started writing letters to moms
14:56 because one time I wrote something and a mom wrote back,
14:59 like, "I love what you're writing,
15:00 but I feel like I'm failing as a mom."
15:02 And I was like, well, she feels like she's failing.
15:04 I often feel that way too.
15:06 So I wrote a letter back, but it was,
15:08 and I was getting ready to send it
15:10 and her email address was anonymous.
15:11 So I ended up publishing it.
15:13 And that was the first thing that went really, really viral.
15:16 And all these moms are like, oh my gosh, that's me too.
15:20 I have a messy sink too.
15:21 It was back when social media was perfect,
15:24 like every filter. - Oh yes.
15:25 The oldies.
15:27 - Yeah. - Interesting.
15:28 - And so I just, I started writing letters.
15:31 My website became letters like when they were little
15:34 and as I was going through different things
15:36 or as I learned to like take care of my own self again.
15:39 And what happened is I've been writing another book
15:43 right now and my publisher was like,
15:44 "You know, everybody's been asking for these letters."
15:47 And I'm like, "Yes, they want them in book form
15:50 because that's the number one request I get."
15:52 And they're like, "Well, either we pay attention
15:54 to the universe or we ignore it."
15:56 So we took all the letters and I put them all together
16:00 in a book and that's what it is.
16:01 And I really, I mean, I'm super, super proud of it.
16:05 And I love it because it's a collection
16:08 of like long-term motherhood moments that as a writer,
16:13 I don't think I could go back and write
16:15 with the same rawness about what it's like
16:18 to have a preschooler as I did at that moment.
16:21 - Yes, that's amazing.
16:23 - Yeah.
16:24 - You guys have to check it out.
16:25 I will put the link to that in the description
16:28 or the comments when we're offline,
16:30 but where can they find it?
16:32 It's on Amazon, of course.
16:34 - It's on Amazon, Books A Million, Barnes & Noble,
16:36 and I was like your local bookseller.
16:39 I'm a big proponent of really supporting them too.
16:42 So it's there and yeah, Mom Enough right there.
16:47 Mom Enough, you guys, we are all mom enough.
16:50 - Amen.
16:51 - Amen, go continue being a mean mom
16:53 and when you feel bad about it, grab that book, Mom Enough.
16:56 It was great talking to you, Rachel.
16:58 I'm gonna go be mean and put kids to bed.
17:00 - Yeah, well, I actually joke about bedtime
17:04 'cause I used to sing, you know,
17:05 it's the most wonderful time of the year song.
17:08 Christmas when I would sing,
17:09 it's the most wonderful time of the day in my head.
17:12 Sometimes 'cause you just need a break.
17:14 - Sometimes we just gotta get to there.
17:16 - Okay, well, it was so good talking to you.
17:18 Thanks for watching everybody.
17:20 - Thank you.

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