It Burns When I Laugh

Windy Channel
Windy Channel
  • last year
Transcript
00:00:00 [ Music ]
00:00:15 [ Music ]
00:00:25 [ Music ]
00:00:35 [ Music ]
00:01:00 >> Remember the kid in first grade who'd wear the plastic nylon running shoes, the TRAX tracks running shoes?
00:01:11 How you doing? That was me.
00:01:12 >> My favorite TV show. I watch every Sunday, "Televangelist."
00:01:15 If you don't watch one, I highly suggest turning one on.
00:01:18 Favorite one is Robert Tilton because he's on late night.
00:01:21 And Robert Tilton's the man who prays in tongues.
00:01:24 >> My mom would put me in, do you remember the tough skin jeans?
00:01:28 You remember these?
00:01:30 They were skin tight and they had that big old steel belted radio knee cap patch, you remember that?
00:01:38 You remember that thing?
00:01:40 These were rigid pants.
00:01:42 They should have been called chafe masters.
00:01:45 >> This guy always has the exact translation.
00:01:48 And it always comes with the perfect opportunistic time for him.
00:01:50 I'm watching the other day, he's like, "People, there is not enough money in this thing.
00:01:55 I'm going to have to pass this around again.
00:01:56 Y'all are going to have to dig deeper."
00:01:58 [scatting]
00:02:03 >> So I've got my TRAX shoes on.
00:02:06 I've got my tough skin jeans and my velour shirt.
00:02:08 I'm like, "Hey, Mom, I'm a child.
00:02:12 I'm not a child molester."
00:02:14 >> So that's Rich Burns, as you probably heard.
00:02:17 And who am I? I'm Cheryl Larson.
00:02:19 I'm doing a documentary on what I consider to be one of the most fascinating lifestyles I know.
00:02:24 That of a stand-up comic.
00:02:26 >> So let me ask you the most obvious question.
00:02:29 Why do you do it?
00:02:31 What makes you be a comic?
00:02:32 Why'd you start?
00:02:33 What keeps you going?
00:02:34 >> Well, I've always been funny.
00:02:39 Or at least, you know, people have always told me I've been funny.
00:02:44 >> So what was Rich like when he was a kid?
00:02:46 >> He was feminine.
00:02:47 Feminine.
00:02:48 And don't forget, he was feminine, yet definitely hetero.
00:02:53 >> Ugh.
00:02:54 >> Well, he would go gallivanting around the house, well, you know, much like his Uncle Raymond.
00:03:02 And we knew that he was an entertainer from the getty up.
00:03:06 And, well, excuse me, I apologize.
00:03:10 I have not introduced my friend, confidant, and dare I say significant other, Mr. Lance Manshaft.
00:03:20 >> Well, finally, thank you, Ms. Manners.
00:03:23 >> Well, whatever you know about manners, I was the one who taught you.
00:03:28 I remember years and years and years ago up at Raymond Burr's house, well, you were so busy ogling the pool boy, you couldn't even remember what fork to use.
00:03:38 So there.
00:03:40 [ Music ]
00:03:45 >> Hey, are you sure we're going the right way?
00:03:48 >> That's what Eileen said.
00:03:50 She said it was a rural drive.
00:03:52 >> Yeah, rural, that's a good definition.
00:03:54 This is definitely rural.
00:03:56 >> This road better empty out into the town soon.
00:04:02 >> You know, Eileen and I were probably playing in someone's house for the kinfolk.
00:04:06 >> We don't get lost out here.
00:04:09 >> That was scary, okay?
00:04:10 That sounded just like some line out of a B movie.
00:04:13 It's like, hope you guys aren't planning on taking me out of the woods here and killing me in some sort of satanic ritual or some shit.
00:04:20 >> Oh, shit, you found us out, Cheryl.
00:04:22 Must have seen the goat's head in my suitcase.
00:04:25 Better call Xavier and tell him the plan's off.
00:04:27 We'll need to find another virgin.
00:04:29 You ever notice how prettier an area is, the uglier the people are?
00:04:35 >> That's because they got to have something pretty to look at.
00:04:37 They got to have something to look forward to.
00:04:39 >> You ever notice a nasty-ass town surrounded by a bunch of ugly motherfuckers?
00:04:43 >> Actually, yes, I can.
00:04:44 It's called doing Fred Schilling's gig in North Dakota.
00:04:47 >> I don't think I've ever done that gig.
00:04:49 What part of North Dakota?
00:04:52 >> I don't know the name of the town.
00:04:53 I think it was called nasty-ass town North Dakota.
00:04:57 >> I think I want to work that gig.
00:04:58 Doesn't sound like there's a lot of pudding out there.
00:05:01 >> Pudding?
00:05:02 >> You know, like chicks.
00:05:04 Like road pudding, you know, the groupies.
00:05:21 >> Hi.
00:05:22 How are you?
00:05:23 >> Good.
00:05:26 You didn't even do a show when you were already in.
00:05:28 Well, that's a lot of pudding.
00:05:31 >> It's called rude tapioca.
00:05:34 >> Not nice.
00:05:38 >> What's up with the film crew, gentlemen?
00:05:40 >> You're picking a banjo.
00:05:42 >> Oh, we're your comics for tonight.
00:05:44 We're shooting a documentary on stand-up comedy.
00:05:48 >> The show's been canceled.
00:05:53 >> What do you mean?
00:05:54 Nobody told us.
00:05:56 >> Well, last week I told Eileen it just wasn't going to work.
00:06:01 >> What incident?
00:06:05 >> John, have a seat.
00:06:07 >> Please.
00:06:14 Now, are you comfortable?
00:06:16 I can't get you anything.
00:06:19 All right, now I'm going to talk and you guys are going to listen.
00:06:23 Last week one of your brethren insulted one of my better patrons, big Lenny.
00:06:26 >> Patrons?
00:06:28 More like denizens.
00:06:30 >> I said without comment.
00:06:35 Anyway, he insulted big Lenny because he called his mother a whore.
00:06:41 Now, that's not the issue because, in fact, she is a whore, and a very fine whore, old school.
00:06:47 Most of the guys in this bar have written the passage to manhood in her velvet saddle.
00:06:51 What irritated him and me was the fact that he referred to her like she was common, like she was ordinary.
00:06:59 >> You know what, man, that's great.
00:07:01 >> No.
00:07:02 >> But we really need to get out of here.
00:07:05 I'd love to listen to your story, but, you know, we --
00:07:07 >> Son, you can go when I'm finished.
00:07:10 >> You know, we kind of got screwed on this gig, so I figure we'll probably get going.
00:07:16 >> You can go when I'm finished, son.
00:07:18 >> Please do not call me son unless you plan on playing ball with me, okay?
00:07:25 >> Put your head on the bar.
00:07:28 Put your head on the bar or I will.
00:07:40 Now, again, the issue is not whether Lenny's mom is a whore or not.
00:07:43 The issue is you guys come into these, you call them banjo-picking, shithole one-nighters,
00:07:48 and you talk about us like we're beneath you, like we're just some kind of roadkill on your little Audubon to success.
00:07:55 Kids, you've got to remember something.
00:07:56 This is America.
00:07:58 These people are America.
00:08:00 We make you, we break you.
00:08:02 Without us, you become nothing more than a footnote.
00:08:06 Of course, maybe you're the exception.
00:08:09 You, I'm sure, are not.
00:08:13 >> Is it okay if I let my head up now because I'm having trouble breathing through your uncommon bar?
00:08:20 >> Get up.
00:08:24 >> Listen, sir, we didn't mean any disrespect, but, you know, it's just we're really frustrated.
00:08:31 We've been told all this way for nothing, and we don't even have a place to stay.
00:08:39 >> All right.
00:08:41 You guys have been attended to my little ramblings.
00:08:43 So I'll tell you what.
00:08:44 I'm going to toss you a bone.
00:08:46 Now, I've got a place about a mile down the road on the right-hand side.
00:08:48 It's not much, but it's clean.
00:08:51 So I'll tell you what I'll do.
00:08:52 I'll put you guys up for the night.
00:08:54 Tomorrow you call Eileen so you can get some kind of compensation.
00:08:58 Does that sound fair?
00:09:01 >> Believe me, I will call Eileen.
00:09:04 That sounds -- thank you.
00:09:07 I really appreciate it.
00:09:08 >> You can leave now.
00:09:11 Leave now.
00:09:14 Now!
00:09:16 >> Speaking of sleeping arrangements, you know, we've got one bed here.
00:09:23 I'm hoping you don't sleep naked.
00:09:26 >> Of course I'm not going to sleep naked.
00:09:28 >> Good, because I didn't want us both being naked in the same bed, you know what I mean?
00:09:32 >> You're not sleeping naked.
00:09:34 >> Dude, I got to.
00:09:35 I can't sleep in underwear, man.
00:09:36 I get all bound up and shit down there.
00:09:38 It doesn't work.
00:09:39 >> Underwear?
00:09:40 Bullshit, man.
00:09:41 You sleep in fully clothed, dude.
00:09:42 You sleep in on the floor.
00:09:44 >> What are you, like, not quite sure of your masculinity or --
00:09:47 >> No, I just don't want to wake up with your masculinity poking me in the back.
00:09:52 >> So does this mean, like, no cuddling?
00:09:57 >> Was Rich always funny?
00:09:59 >> But you're implying he is now?
00:10:02 Well, let me -- let me say something, and I'm going to be the one to say this.
00:10:07 It's not happening for Richie.
00:10:09 It's not happening.
00:10:10 Years ago, it might have, and years and years ago, but it's not now.
00:10:13 In a nutshell, tonight show isn't calling.
00:10:18 >> I like to date the homeless.
00:10:20 >> Picking up a homeless -- they're really easy to pick up, too.
00:10:22 It's like picking up a homeless woman is like, hey, baby, want to keep warm?
00:10:29 >> See the tall one?
00:10:31 >> Oh, yeah?
00:10:32 >> Yeah, her name's Nikki.
00:10:33 She's a stripper.
00:10:34 She wants me.
00:10:36 But, again, who doesn't?
00:10:38 I got to go.
00:10:39 >> A lot of comics were geeks or nerds or misfits or whatever.
00:10:42 In fact, you know, it's true.
00:10:44 And they, you know, they got into comedy to get back at the society that rejected them
00:10:51 or to get the women who would never give them the time of day, really.
00:10:56 Because in order for a geek to get laid, you've either got to be famous or own a software company
00:11:01 and pay for a shitload of hookers, and these guys would rather tell jokes.
00:11:09 >> So this is the comedy condo, as they say.
00:11:12 >> This is it.
00:11:15 >> Nobody said comics had to be neat, right?
00:11:17 Just funny?
00:11:18 >> Right.
00:11:19 >> Have a seat.
00:11:21 The comedy condo is kind of a -- sort of a vicious circle.
00:11:25 Like, the club puts absolutely no money into it because they know that some asshole comic's
00:11:30 just going to get drunk and trash the place.
00:11:33 So that's why it always looks like shit.
00:11:36 But you can't really blame the club owners, though, because some comics are just idiots.
00:11:39 Like, I know some people who do some, like, crazy shit, like, so stupid, like burn holes
00:11:45 in the carpets and write on the walls or get really drunk and pass out or do really freaky
00:11:53 shit to the couches.
00:11:55 So...
00:11:56 >> Really?
00:11:58 >> I don't mean that couch in particular.
00:12:01 I'm just giving an example of what goes on in the comedy condo.
00:12:06 Actually, I think it was this couch.
00:12:09 I like to get up and I like to get one of these.
00:12:14 The comics Bible.
00:12:16 A national paper or a local paper.
00:12:19 Because there's usually a story that can relate, you know, that can fit into a bit that the
00:12:25 locals will relate to, you know?
00:12:28 >> So you do a lot of carnivet material?
00:12:32 >> Not really.
00:12:35 Unless I see something good.
00:12:38 I'm going to try to work it in.
00:12:41 [door slams]
00:12:44 >> What's up?
00:12:46 >> You're back early, man.
00:12:48 What happened to Nikki, that girl you were working on, the stripper?
00:12:52 >> Got her.
00:12:54 >> Oh, that's too bad, man.
00:12:56 Yeah.
00:12:57 I know how it feels.
00:13:00 Yeah, it was afterward we were kicking it in her car.
00:13:05 Turns out, you know, we're talking.
00:13:07 Whatever.
00:13:08 Turns out Nikki is short for Nicholas.
00:13:12 He's a fucking transvestite.
00:13:15 Thank you.
00:13:17 [laughter]
00:13:19 >> Oh.
00:13:22 >> Yeah.
00:13:23 Next time you see me talking to a chick after a show, just remind me, please, to ask her
00:13:28 if she's had any prostate trouble in her recent past.
00:13:31 Would you do that for me?
00:13:33 >> Can I use that?
00:13:34 Can I use that?
00:13:35 >> Fuck you.
00:13:37 >> So what's your take on Sean?
00:13:39 >> He's funny.
00:13:40 He's a funny guy.
00:13:42 But the only thing is that with Sean, I mean, he -- I think he's in it for the fame aspect,
00:13:50 really, to be honest.
00:13:51 Because he doesn't stick to one act.
00:13:53 He's always trying to come up with a gimmick or, you know, to be a superstar.
00:14:00 Or he's always jumping on whatever bandwagon comes along to, like, get a TV series.
00:14:06 >> Anyway, I'm thinking about becoming a prop comic now.
00:14:08 I mean, I was watching that Potato Head guy, his half-hour comedy special the other night.
00:14:13 And, man, that guy, he just, like, got a killing in the college market.
00:14:18 Just a killing.
00:14:19 >> Are you sure you want to do that?
00:14:21 >> Yeah, I mean, really, because, like, that gives people no insight into who you are.
00:14:26 And most prop comedy is really stupid.
00:14:30 >> Yeah, but I don't know, man.
00:14:31 I mean, the people love stupid humor.
00:14:32 That's it.
00:14:33 People really love the stupid humor.
00:14:34 You got to go for it.
00:14:35 I got to go for it.
00:14:36 I'm thinking that's the way to go.
00:14:37 >> I think you should use your, you know, work on your religious stuff and make a name for yourself that way.
00:14:41 Because that's really good.
00:14:43 >> And I got nothing against religion.
00:14:44 Like I said, my mom is very religious.
00:14:45 I've got nothing against religion.
00:14:47 I just have a different take on it.
00:14:48 You know what I mean?
00:14:49 God, by definition, is the supreme being, right?
00:14:53 God's got a message for me.
00:14:54 God's smart enough to send me, like, a newsletter.
00:14:57 You know, some comprehensible, logical in a language that someone has spoken in the last 2,000 years.
00:15:02 You know, the only thing that I get that resembles a newsletter, though, are these pamphlets that I get on my doorstep every morning, every Saturday.
00:15:08 You know, and I'm reading their pamphlet because I'm a good sport.
00:15:11 I'm reading it.
00:15:12 I'm thinking to myself, you know, I don't think this is the word of God.
00:15:14 You know, I don't.
00:15:15 Maybe it's not really the pamphlet so much as it is the paper delivery boy that's bringing it to my doorstep.
00:15:20 Right?
00:15:21 Because I'm looking at this guy going, yeah.
00:15:22 You know, man, nothing quite says divine messenger better than a mustard-colored fake tweed jacket with Naga Head elbow patches.
00:15:30 You know what I mean?
00:15:31 And he tells me he knows when the Armageddon is coming.
00:15:33 Well, judging by his pants, apparently it's coming in flood form.
00:15:36 [Laughter]
00:15:49 Hey, hey.
00:15:50 Hey, bro.
00:15:51 That was some funny shit up there tonight.
00:15:52 Yeah, thanks, man.
00:15:53 Man, I ain't laughed that hard in a long time.
00:15:56 Really?
00:15:57 For real.
00:15:58 For real.
00:15:59 For real.
00:16:00 Hey, you're all right, too.
00:16:01 But anyway, that shit you're talking about, you know, you're talking about your parents dressing you.
00:16:05 I can totally relate.
00:16:07 My parents are the same way.
00:16:09 I mean, I let my wife dress me now, but, like, you can see she's got a bit of a drinking problem, too.
00:16:15 Yeah, well, you know.
00:16:20 I guess, I guess my dad had a dick to photograph.
00:16:24 Hung like a mule, supposedly.
00:16:27 She checked to see if it was genetic?
00:16:29 Huh? Huh?
00:16:30 Nothing.
00:16:31 He's just trying to be funny.
00:16:33 Well, I'll leave it to a comedian to try to do a joke.
00:16:36 [Laughter]
00:16:40 Well, I got to go.
00:16:43 So soon?
00:16:44 Yeah.
00:16:45 Yeah?
00:16:46 Well, my wife's going to get testy, because when she drinks, she gets horny.
00:16:51 You know what I mean.
00:16:52 Oh, yeah, I sure do, unfortunately.
00:16:55 But thanks for the visual.
00:16:56 Huh?
00:17:00 Well, I got to piss.
00:17:01 Okay.
00:17:02 You keep going, though.
00:17:03 You keep at it.
00:17:05 You're funny.
00:17:06 You're going to make it.
00:17:07 All right, thanks, man.
00:17:08 You're going to make it.
00:17:09 I appreciate it.
00:17:10 All right.
00:17:11 Thanks, brother.
00:17:12 All right.
00:17:13 Every fucking show, there's always some guy, some drunk guy who's got to come up from the audience and relate to a story.
00:17:17 You know what I mean?
00:17:18 Got to tell you some badass joke or whatever.
00:17:20 And every town you go to, no matter how bad it is, the smaller the town, the smaller the crowd, the worse the jokes.
00:17:26 Yeah, and the worse the breath.
00:17:27 Yeah, no shit, man.
00:17:28 My buzz got stronger off each sentence.
00:17:31 Before today, I was really thinking, is it all worth it, or should I just pack it in and go back to work in 40 hours a week, you know?
00:17:41 But now that I got the good work from the man, I think I'm going to stick it out.
00:17:47 Because apparently, I'm going to make it.
00:17:50 So do you always walk to get your coffee in the morning?
00:17:53 Yeah, I do.
00:17:54 I like to get coffee or breakfast, a little something to eat, you know.
00:17:59 It's hard to get exercise on the road, so I like to walk as much as I can.
00:18:04 That sounds like a good idea.
00:18:07 Hey, man, give me a dollar.
00:18:10 Come on, shit, dude, it ain't for drugs or booze or nothing.
00:18:13 Come on, seriously.
00:18:14 Look at me.
00:18:15 Fork it over, fucker.
00:18:20 Dude, I can't believe you just fucking gave that guy a buck, dude.
00:18:23 He didn't do anything.
00:18:24 He didn't even fucking ask politely.
00:18:26 Yeah, did you hear the way he asked, though?
00:18:29 Give me a dollar, what am I going to do, huh?
00:18:31 I'm not going to argue with that.
00:18:32 Fuck it, it's only a dollar.
00:18:34 Dude, it's not the buck, man.
00:18:35 It's the principle of the matter.
00:18:36 I mean, you know, he--
00:18:38 Jesus, I mean, you've got to make him work for this money.
00:18:40 I mean, Jesus.
00:18:41 What's he going to do, whittle me a plaque?
00:18:43 I don't know, make him dance or something.
00:18:44 Raymond Burr, he was so massive.
00:18:48 Well, dare I say, thick.
00:18:53 I think thick is the word we're looking for here.
00:18:56 Oogling.
00:18:57 Well, oogling, that's what you were doing.
00:19:00 And don't forget, we met, Mr. Burr, Lance and I, while we were selling men's furnishings.
00:19:06 Furnishings?
00:19:07 Well, he was a huge man, for God's sake.
00:19:10 22 neck, 38 sleeve, and he owned his own island.
00:19:18 Ray, for God's sakes, he was his own island.
00:19:21 Yes, and every Friday night, we would all caravan up to Raymond Burr's house and have dinner because he was--
00:19:33 well, he was a gourmet cook.
00:19:34 Oh, he made the best remaki.
00:19:36 Remaki.
00:19:40 Remaki to die for.
00:19:42 And we would--thank you.
00:19:44 And we would all be up there, all of us, and we would have dinner.
00:19:50 And then we would put on a little show, much like sort of a gay--our gang.
00:19:56 He was Darla and I was Elf Elf Elf.
00:20:00 Oh, yes, and Raymond Burr would be there in his apron, and for God's sake, not much else.
00:20:06 Oh, no.
00:20:09 Good cast set.
00:20:10 Thanks, bro.
00:20:11 Fantastic.
00:20:12 You had a good set, too, man.
00:20:13 Oh, thanks, man.
00:20:14 I appreciate that.
00:20:15 Isn't that that dude you gave a buck to?
00:20:17 Holy shit, you're right.
00:20:19 He's drinking a beer.
00:20:21 Oh, hold on.
00:20:24 Hey, didn't I give you a dollar today?
00:20:26 Hey, yeah, that's right.
00:20:27 Thanks, man.
00:20:28 I appreciate that.
00:20:29 That's cool.
00:20:30 Yeah, but you said you weren't going to spend it on drugs or booze, and here you are drinking a beer.
00:20:34 What's up with that?
00:20:35 No, no, no, I used the buck that you gave me for the cover charge.
00:20:37 That's cool, you know.
00:20:39 Anyway, I wasn't going to drink, but, you know, the club has a two-drink minimum and everything, and, you know,
00:20:43 what am I supposed to do?
00:20:44 It's not my policy.
00:20:45 You know, so, like, you know.
00:20:48 Anyway, you know what?
00:20:49 You're really funny now.
00:20:50 I got to tell you, that shit about your parents dressing you is classic.
00:20:53 I remember guys like you in school.
00:20:54 You know, what a ridiculous fucking look that is, you know.
00:20:57 So, anyway, man, keep it up, dude.
00:21:01 You're going places.
00:21:08 So did you give it to him or what?
00:21:10 No.
00:21:11 He got me on a technicality.
00:21:13 Technicality?
00:21:14 What the fuck is wrong with you?
00:21:16 He didn't use the dollar I gave him on the beer.
00:21:18 He used it on the cover charge.
00:21:20 And you fell for that?
00:21:22 Dude, fucking go back over there, dude, all right, and fucking make him do the electric slide or something.
00:21:28 I mean, dude, the guy's got to fucking work for his money, dude.
00:21:31 Bucket, man, it's only a buck.
00:21:32 Dude, it's not the buck.
00:21:33 It's the principle of the matter.
00:21:34 You got conned by a guy wearing nine layers of clothing.
00:21:37 That's fucking sad.
00:21:38 No, no, no, it's cool.
00:21:39 It's cool.
00:21:40 I got something for my money.
00:21:41 Oh, yeah?
00:21:42 What did you get?
00:21:43 Validation.
00:21:44 Oh, yeah?
00:21:45 Yeah, I got two experts telling me I'm going places.
00:21:47 You know, I really wish I could live with that, but no, that's not good.
00:21:52 Where's he going?
00:21:55 I don't know.
00:21:56 So, uh, I'm thinking of going dancing later.
00:21:59 Oh.
00:22:00 You know, find a club or something if you wanted to come with us.
00:22:04 Oh, yeah, I'm following you guys, so let's do it.
00:22:07 Yeah?
00:22:08 All right, cool.
00:22:09 Cool, cool, you know, we don't actually have nowhere to go, so if you have any suggestions.
00:22:15 Oh, I'm not as new here as you, so whatever you decide is great.
00:22:20 Hey, so, uh, did you get my money's worth?
00:22:23 Oh, more.
00:22:24 Yeah, yeah.
00:22:25 He made me give him a buck, too.
00:22:28 Oh.
00:22:29 Well, I guess you showed him.
00:22:31 You guys ready?
00:22:33 [Music]
00:22:34 [Singing]
00:22:39 [Music stops]
00:22:40 [Gasps]
00:22:41 Champagne.
00:22:43 Color your eyes.
00:22:44 What's your sign?
00:22:46 Are you hitting on me?
00:22:47 Am I hitting on you?
00:22:49 No, it's for verification of this ID.
00:22:52 See, if this ain't yours, you might have the dates memorized, but you're not going to know the guy's sign.
00:22:58 Smart, huh?
00:23:00 Fucking brilliant.
00:23:01 Hey, uh, I'm a Virgo.
00:23:08 Cool. Five bucks.
00:23:09 Thanks.
00:23:10 [Music]
00:23:14 Do I ever go to the comedy club?
00:23:15 Do you ever go to the comedy club?
00:23:17 I go every now and then.
00:23:18 All right, I'll tell you what.
00:23:20 Four free passes.
00:23:21 Four free passes?
00:23:22 Right there.
00:23:23 You come down, you check us out.
00:23:24 We're going to be there Sunday night, tomorrow's the last night.
00:23:26 We're going to be there, okay?
00:23:27 You come down and check us out.
00:23:28 Yeah, we'll be there.
00:23:29 Me and this guy back here, we're going to be there, okay?
00:23:31 You come down and check us out.
00:23:32 But even if you don't go tomorrow, come any time.
00:23:34 They're good forever, okay?
00:23:35 I can go any time?
00:23:36 Any time you want.
00:23:37 How's that sound?
00:23:38 Great.
00:23:39 Sound good?
00:23:40 Yeah.
00:23:41 Thank you.
00:23:42 Wait, wait, wait.
00:23:43 What?
00:23:44 You forgot to pay the cover charge.
00:23:45 It's five bucks.
00:23:46 What are you talking about?
00:23:47 I thought, you know.
00:23:48 Oh, you thought.
00:23:49 You know, I see how it is.
00:23:51 You give somebody a gift, but there's strings attached, you know?
00:23:55 I don't want your fucking free passes.
00:23:58 Because they're not really free, are they?
00:24:00 Hey, um.
00:24:08 We're filming a documentary here, and if you let us in, we'll put you in the movie.
00:24:13 Do it?
00:24:14 Yeah.
00:24:15 You put me in the movie?
00:24:16 Yeah.
00:24:18 Okay.
00:24:20 [Music]
00:24:25 [Music]
00:24:29 [Music]
00:24:34 [Music]
00:24:39 [Music]
00:24:44 [Music]
00:24:49 [Music]
00:24:54 What are you guys doing?
00:24:55 Um, we're making a documentary film.
00:24:56 Oh, really?
00:24:57 What about?
00:24:58 This guy right here is a comedian.
00:24:59 Oh, really?
00:25:00 Is that right?
00:25:01 Yeah.
00:25:02 Yeah.
00:25:03 So you're filming now?
00:25:04 We're filming right here.
00:25:05 We thought, you know, he did a show here in town.
00:25:07 Oh, yeah.
00:25:08 No, that's great, actually.
00:25:09 I'll be very quiet.
00:25:12 You try to get out of the way, you know, whatever.
00:25:14 But, you know, if the camera shows up and it's across my face, then we're very photogenic.
00:25:18 Great.
00:25:19 Very natural.
00:25:20 Fantastic.
00:25:21 So let me know if you want to do another round.
00:25:24 Okay.
00:25:25 Great.
00:25:26 Thank you.
00:25:27 Thanks.
00:25:28 So where are we going next?
00:25:30 Um, well, see, Tuesday we've got to be in Sacramento.
00:25:35 But Monday we've got a little one night or someplace in between.
00:25:39 It's just, you know, I don't even know the name of the house.
00:25:42 I'm happy about it.
00:25:44 Nah, it's cool.
00:25:46 It's cool.
00:25:47 Why do you even do it?
00:25:49 You know.
00:25:51 Well, you know, the lady who books it, she heard we're going to be out in this area.
00:25:55 So, you know, she asked if we would do it.
00:25:58 And, you know, I figured we're going to be out here.
00:26:01 It's a little extra cash.
00:26:03 It's on the way.
00:26:04 You know, what the hell.
00:26:05 Right.
00:26:06 You know, it's an awful gig, but...
00:26:08 A lot of owners or bookers will just book you right off that recommendation.
00:26:14 Oh.
00:26:15 That's how I get into a lot of clubs.
00:26:17 I know what you're doing.
00:26:18 So, you're back soon.
00:26:22 Didn't find no one to dance with?
00:26:24 No, I did.
00:26:25 I got slapped.
00:26:27 You did?
00:26:28 Turned on a charm early.
00:26:30 Yeah.
00:26:31 Huh?
00:26:32 I just, you know, I just didn't want the same thing to happen again like it did the other night, you know.
00:26:37 So, what'd you do?
00:26:39 You grabbed her crotch and checked for a penis?
00:26:43 Yeah, right.
00:26:46 I just, uh, asked her if she was a woman.
00:26:51 You just asked her if she was a woman?
00:26:53 Yeah.
00:26:54 You just came out and asked her if she was a woman?
00:26:57 Yeah.
00:26:59 Did she look like she could be a man?
00:27:01 Not really, but then again, neither did Nikki.
00:27:06 What did she look like?
00:27:08 She's alright, like I guess she's attractive.
00:27:13 There she is.
00:27:14 You're an asshole.
00:27:20 Let's go and cast an over.
00:27:24 Way to pick up the chicks, huh?
00:27:26 Hi, I'm Sean.
00:27:27 Are you a man?
00:27:29 That's all the line that gets me in bed.
00:27:31 God, I can dance.
00:27:32 Oh.
00:27:33 I, uh, I, I taught dancing at Arthur Murray Dance School.
00:27:37 In Sioux City, Iowa.
00:27:39 True.
00:27:40 And I taught Dear Abby and her lovely sister, what is that other nosy bitch?
00:27:44 Ann Landers.
00:27:46 Ann Landers! Oh, oh.
00:27:48 And I taught them how to dance in Sioux City, Iowa.
00:27:50 Oh, good God, Sioux City, try being artistic in that, uh, in Iowa, for God's sake.
00:27:58 Sweet Jesus.
00:28:00 Well, it was years and years ago.
00:28:02 Got a call from the NBC people today.
00:28:05 Well, that's great.
00:28:07 Was it an audition?
00:28:09 No, actually I had an audition about a month ago for a new sitcom.
00:28:13 So did you hear bad news about it, or?
00:28:18 Yeah.
00:28:19 Apparently I'm too witty.
00:28:21 Too witty?
00:28:23 Mm-hmm.
00:28:24 Hmm.
00:28:25 Yep, they said that Intelligent Comedy was last season.
00:28:28 They like my physical stuff, but, um, they don't anticipate physical comedy coming back into fashion for another year or two.
00:28:38 That's insane.
00:28:41 I mean, if you're funny, you're funny, right? I mean...
00:28:44 Yep, to everybody but the people who count.
00:28:48 So what did they say was in the fashion?
00:28:52 Impressionists.
00:28:54 What about impressionists?
00:28:56 Nothing. It's just, I just, I got a call from NBC today, and they told me that my brand of comedy was out of fashion, and that impressionists are in.
00:29:06 God damn it!
00:29:07 What?
00:29:09 Yeah, I just fucking went out and spent like $2,000 worth of, like, you know, on toys, and I went to the toy stores and novelty shops and all these, like, you know, secondhand stores, you know.
00:29:19 Buying stuff to assemble and turn it into my prop comic act, and now you're telling me it's worthless.
00:29:23 Don't worry about it, man. I mean, it's just, you know, I don't know why you care. It's just one guy's opinion, and it'll probably change next week anyway.
00:29:30 Yeah, you're probably right.
00:29:33 Shit, what am I gonna do, let it go to waste? I mean, look at the car out there, man. I got, like, I got, like, a trunk full of shit strapped to the roof.
00:29:45 Fuck, man, I don't fucking know, right? We're in there for, like, fucking half an hour, we're eating some breakfast, come out, all my shit is gone.
00:29:51 Fucking my, still my whole fucking act has been stolen.
00:29:54 Man, this is worse than doing a set in front of Troy Mills. At least he only steals a couple jokes.
00:29:59 I wonder if, maybe let's have it a potato head.
00:30:02 All right, guys, here's the deal. What exactly was missing from the trunk?
00:30:05 Fucking everything, man. I fucking, I spent out, like, fucking, what, $2,500 fucking dollars worth of shit this morning, all right?
00:30:10 Every fucking thing I had, my whole life savings was in that fucking trunk, all right? Now I got fucking nothing. Everything was in there.
00:30:15 Okay, you're a comedian. Well, maybe you should rely on wit and not so much props.
00:30:20 Man, I was fucking becoming a prop comic so I didn't need to rely on wit.
00:30:24 You obviously don't understand the business, so, you know.
00:30:27 All right, well, here's the deal. Please stick to being a cop. Here's the deal.
00:30:30 We're not going to put roadblocks up all over the city to find guys with stolen wigs and five-wheel bicycles.
00:30:35 Well, what the fuck are you going to do then? This is my fucking life savings, man.
00:30:38 I understand that, but we're not going to block the whole road down for you. I mean, we'll do what we can to try to find you, and if we do, we'll call you.
00:30:43 But here's a little advice. If you're going to be a comedian, maybe you should write some really good material.
00:30:47 It's an idea, because then if this stuff happens, you can at least rely on your wit. All right?
00:30:52 All right, whatever. Thanks. Talk to you later.
00:30:54 Fucking comedy advice from Johnny Law.
00:30:57 Now we know why they call him Ironside.
00:30:59 Oh, roll them on in.
00:31:02 Oh, that's the wrong theme song.
00:31:05 It's the...
00:31:07 Boom!
00:31:08 Shit like this always happens. It does. That's why, you know, I hate to drive anymore. I never drive.
00:31:13 I fly as much as I possibly can.
00:31:15 It's never fucking done me any good anyway. This shit always happens to me.
00:31:19 You're right, man. You're right. I mean, bad luck follows you around like B.O. at a Grateful Dead concert.
00:31:24 All I'm saying is that if I weren't a punk band, I would never sell out. You know what I mean?
00:31:31 I mean, that's what punk's about, man. It's about the scene. It's about saying, "Fuck corporate rock."
00:31:39 I mean, how can you say, "Fuck corporate rock" and then sign, like, a big three-album deal with, like, Atlantic or some big record label like that?
00:31:46 I mean, that's like a rabbi converting to Catholicism because somebody gave him a couple of million.
00:31:51 You know, all I'm saying is be true to your convictions. You know what I mean?
00:31:54 If you really believe something, believe it. And if you do be true to your convictions, that's all I'm saying.
00:31:57 I know. I agree with you.
00:31:59 But...
00:32:01 I got a question for you.
00:32:04 How come you keep changing your act?
00:32:07 How come you keep acting to something you're not just so you can make it big?
00:32:11 Isn't that kind of like selling out?
00:32:13 I'm not in a punk band.
00:32:15 [knocking]
00:32:16 Sean, come on! Hurry up! Let's get going!
00:32:18 I'm coming, I'm coming. Just a second.
00:32:20 I'm almost ready. I just gotta put on my shoes.
00:32:23 What's the big rush tonight, man?
00:32:25 It's just I hear weird things about this club owner, Jared.
00:32:28 He's got specific ideas about the way he wants things to be run here.
00:32:32 So since I never worked for him before, I just want him to get there and make a good first impression.
00:32:37 Hey, besides, he says, uh...
00:32:41 John said he's gonna open up two more clubs that he's a good guy to be in with.
00:32:45 Two more, really?
00:32:46 Yeah.
00:32:47 Where at?
00:32:48 Um, I think he said...
00:32:50 Arizona and Texas.
00:32:52 But he said he overheard him saying something about San Jose, too, so...
00:32:56 It's anybody's guess.
00:32:58 Shit, I'm lost.
00:33:00 Alright, I'm ready. Ready to go?
00:33:02 Yeah.
00:33:03 Alright, cool.
00:33:04 Okay.
00:33:06 Ready?
00:33:09 Yes.
00:33:10 Okay.
00:33:11 Alright, I got the keys.
00:33:13 Hey, do you know what you're gonna be doing tonight?
00:33:15 Uh, yeah, I guess I do.
00:33:17 That's why I'm working on you.
00:33:18 Alright.
00:33:19 Excuse me.
00:33:20 Bartender. Can I talk to you for a second, huh?
00:33:23 I don't wanna be rude, I don't wanna get in your face, nothing like that, you know.
00:33:25 But, I specifically ordered a margarita blended.
00:33:29 No salt, huh?
00:33:31 And the salt on the rim.
00:33:32 No, no, no, yes there is.
00:33:34 Fucking salt right there.
00:33:35 I fucking taste the salt, you're the fucking salt right there, huh?
00:33:38 You salted a little bit.
00:33:40 Yes you did. No.
00:33:41 Yes you did, huh?
00:33:43 You fucking ordered it for somebody else, I think I'm the only guy here, huh?
00:33:46 You see somebody else ordering a margarita, you fucking prick?
00:33:49 Hey.
00:33:50 Bill, my friend Bill's gonna get something to drink.
00:33:52 You better not fuck up his order.
00:33:53 What do you want, Bill? You want something to drink?
00:33:55 I'm not gonna drink, you see, because I'm thinking this time I'm gonna have something like a little, a jello shot maybe.
00:34:01 Just a jello shot, get a little tipsy without getting all full up with the water, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:06 The fuck is wrong with you, huh?
00:34:12 Hey Chris, you're drinking with us, right? You're gonna drink with us?
00:34:14 No.
00:34:16 I'm not drinking again.
00:34:17 We've gone out three nights in a row.
00:34:19 Every night I gotta take a fucking cab.
00:34:21 I'm so damned if I'm gonna get in a cab with those fucking assholes again, the fucking Nazi cab drivers are crazy.
00:34:26 Hey man, you were awesome tonight, huh?
00:34:30 Thanks man.
00:34:31 Yeah, I didn't know you could do all those voices.
00:34:33 I mean, no one does, man. I could always do it, I just never did that stuff before.
00:34:38 I didn't want to be known as like a hack or impressionist or nothing like that.
00:34:42 No, man, that's funny.
00:34:43 That was some really funny shit.
00:34:45 You should definitely keep that, that's a strong closer.
00:34:48 Oh, you think so?
00:34:49 Yeah, totally. It was good, man.
00:34:51 Did you get a chance to talk to Jared?
00:34:53 Not yet, no. He said he was gonna come in here and talk to me.
00:34:58 Oh, yeah?
00:34:59 He was in the middle of something.
00:35:01 I don't know how he couldn't have been happy though, man. He fucking tore that crowd up tonight.
00:35:04 Yeah?
00:35:05 Yeah, he'd have to be stoked.
00:35:07 I hope so.
00:35:09 Alright.
00:35:14 You have Jared's ears.
00:35:19 Sean, would you excuse us, please?
00:35:21 Yeah, sure.
00:35:23 Rich, have a seat.
00:35:25 And Sean!
00:35:26 Yeah?
00:35:27 I like what I heard tonight. I see potential.
00:35:30 Now, we'll talk later.
00:35:31 No, thank you.
00:35:32 But I definitely will use you in my clubs when I open the new ones in the future.
00:35:38 Thanks.
00:35:40 Sounds great.
00:35:44 Rich, what can I say?
00:35:48 John told me you were funny, and I can honestly say he was right.
00:35:54 I just have one question.
00:35:59 Ask away.
00:36:02 What's your point?
00:36:04 I've been a bartender for 13 years.
00:36:07 Actually, 14 years.
00:36:10 Working in a comedy club is a little bit different than working in dance clubs.
00:36:14 Because in a dance club, the bar is where it's happening.
00:36:17 People come to the bar, they're yelling and screaming, they're partying, throwing money around.
00:36:22 They buy the drinks from me, they tip me.
00:36:24 That's the way I can pull in two bills a night.
00:36:26 Here, it's not so much.
00:36:28 I've got to depend on the waitresses to tip me out.
00:36:32 And, uh, you know, a lot of them have kids, they're single moms, and, you know, what's going to happen there?
00:36:39 Julie, how many kids have you got?
00:36:41 None.
00:36:43 Shut up.
00:36:45 I like to get to know a lot of the comics that come around here.
00:36:48 They're pretty cool, you know?
00:36:50 I figure, like, one of them will make it big and come back and get me, you know, sweep me off my feet.
00:36:53 We'll get married and move to, like, probably L.A.
00:36:57 Yeah, we'd probably go to L.A. That's where the movie stars live, you know?
00:37:00 We could buy, like, a big truck with, like, big monster tires and a roll bar.
00:37:05 We'd totally live it up.
00:37:07 Jared decided to take me under his wing and mold me into a great comedian.
00:37:11 I mean, who's a better authority on comedy than Jared?
00:37:14 He's been in the business, what, 25 years?
00:37:17 Anyway, he also told me to change my name, make it into something funny.
00:37:22 So, you know, he said, "If you sound funny, people are going to think you're funny."
00:37:26 And I figured, "Bill Hilarity, boom! What's funnier than hilarity?"
00:37:30 I mean, hilarity means funny, right?
00:37:32 Funny's good, yes. Yes, funny is good.
00:37:35 But I require a little extra from my headliners.
00:37:40 I want to see a message.
00:37:43 I want them to give something to the audience.
00:37:46 I gave them what they wanted, right? I gave them laughter.
00:37:50 No, no.
00:37:54 No.
00:37:56 Yes.
00:37:58 The thing that pisses me off about this job is the comedians, they don't tip.
00:38:02 You know, generally.
00:38:03 They're like, "Hey, I'm the comedian, I'm going to pay you for the drinks."
00:38:06 You know, they take that attitude with me.
00:38:08 And that really kind of pisses me off.
00:38:10 You know, because they should tip, because we don't really make the money.
00:38:12 I'd like to be a bartender. That'd be cool.
00:38:14 You know, make the drinks. That'd be cool.
00:38:16 Because I'm really creative. I could do that, yeah.
00:38:19 Like, taste them and, like, test them out and, like, make up new drinks.
00:38:22 Because, see, the other night I was at home, and my roommate drank all the rest of my beer.
00:38:26 So I was mixing together whatever I had.
00:38:29 Like vodka and tequila, Kahlua, a little grenadine.
00:38:33 It was pretty good.
00:38:35 All right, but while I was making it, I was making macaroni and cheese for dinner.
00:38:38 And I ripped open that little powdered cheese packet, you know, and I spilled some in my drink.
00:38:43 And I wasn't going to get rid of my drink, because that's all I had, you know.
00:38:49 So I stirred it up and I drank it. It was pretty good, yeah.
00:38:53 Yeah, the cheesy whore.
00:38:55 I'm the one in charge here, really.
00:38:57 I'm the guy making the drinks. I'm in charge of the comedy juice.
00:38:59 I'm pushing it out there.
00:39:01 If I make weak drinks, it's going to be a weak show.
00:39:03 If I make strong drinks, it's going to be a strong show.
00:39:05 And that's what I tell these fuckers when they don't tip me.
00:39:08 This could be one of those, like, theme drinks, like a blowjob or, like, sex on a beach, you know.
00:39:12 And you could have, like, a ritual that you'd have to go through.
00:39:14 The bartender would set the drink up in front of you,
00:39:17 and you'd have to say something like, "Where's my fucking sandwich, bitch?"
00:39:21 Nobody gathered around here. And even if there was people here,
00:39:24 you're not supposed to talk, because there's a fucking genius on the stage, you know what I mean?
00:39:27 Rich, when you get up on that stage, you grab that microphone.
00:39:31 You're the leader.
00:39:33 They're looking to you for guidance.
00:39:36 Comedy's not about humor or laughter or any of that superficial bullshit that people tell you it's about.
00:39:45 I'm still working on my jokes. I don't get a lot of laughs.
00:39:48 Jared says that's okay. He says comedy's not about laughter.
00:39:52 I think I'm pretty good for a beginner.
00:39:55 I'm not telling you how to do your act, okay?
00:39:57 And I'm not telling you that I'm not going to book you in the future,
00:40:00 because I like you.
00:40:02 All I'm saying is you need to work on a message.
00:40:06 You know what I'm talking about.
00:40:08 I've been around a long time. I know a lot of people.
00:40:12 I have a lot of connections.
00:40:14 I've got a lot of people sitcoms. A lot.
00:40:17 And I can do it again if I truly believe in that person.
00:40:23 Your style of comedy's in right now, that intelligent, physical.
00:40:27 If I wasn't doing this, I'll be honest with you, I'd probably be a comedian myself,
00:40:30 because I'm a funny fuck.
00:40:33 You know what I mean?
00:40:35 I'm twice as funny as the jerks that get up here.
00:40:39 But that comic lifestyle thing, that doesn't make it with me.
00:40:43 You know, stretching from gig to gig, no pun.
00:40:46 They don't make any money. They can make any money.
00:40:48 You ever seen the way these guys dress?
00:40:50 They're like fucking dirt poor.
00:40:52 I like to live my life, you know.
00:40:54 I have a certain standard that I like to live by.
00:40:56 You know, I've got a good car, my apartment.
00:40:59 But I could be a comedian if I wanted to.
00:41:01 I've got a lot of funny shit, man.
00:41:03 Like the other night, this guy comes up to the bar, and he goes,
00:41:07 "I like Sex on the Beast."
00:41:10 I said, "You're going to have to get her permission on that one, buddy.
00:41:14 I can do permission for that."
00:41:17 Anyway, that's just an idea for a joke.
00:41:20 But I've got hundreds of fucking funny jokes like that.
00:41:25 Personally, I think you're exactly what the networks are looking for right now.
00:41:29 What I'm saying here is that when my audiences leave my club,
00:41:34 not only do I want them to think, "Yay, I had a great time,"
00:41:38 but I want them to be able to believe that they left there with something special.
00:41:43 They were able to take something special home with them.
00:41:47 Have you tried selling T-shirts?
00:41:49 I'm working on this bit about the spotted owl.
00:41:52 I'm saving that for when I'm a headliner.
00:41:54 He says it's all about the message.
00:41:56 Jared knows.
00:41:58 You see? You see?
00:42:06 I'm running a comedy club.
00:42:08 It's not all about filling seats, selling drinks, and booking acts.
00:42:12 I'm sort of like a surrogate father to some of these young comics that come in here.
00:42:16 This club is--it's like a home away from home.
00:42:20 And like a good father, I want my comedians to do something with their lives,
00:42:24 to really make an impact on society, to give back to the world.
00:42:28 You know why? Because that's what comedy's all about.
00:42:31 It's about love.
00:42:33 It's about caring.
00:42:36 Wait a minute, I'm not done here. I'm making a point.
00:42:38 Hey, where the hell are you going?
00:42:39 Hey, who knows more about comedy than Jared?
00:42:42 You prick.
00:42:44 So can he really get you a sitcom?
00:42:47 I don't know. That's what he says.
00:42:50 I don't know.
00:42:52 He knows a lot of people. He's been in business a while.
00:42:55 But this is Sacramento.
00:42:57 Not exactly L.A., so...
00:42:59 Could be on the level, but it could just be like a big ego trip for him, too.
00:43:05 But he wants me to do a little spiel at the end.
00:43:08 I'll do it.
00:43:10 This club pays pretty well, and he's got a bunch of crowd, so...
00:43:13 I'll do it.
00:43:14 Who are you calling?
00:43:15 Jim Phillips, comedy contact.
00:43:17 Really?
00:43:18 Yeah, you know him?
00:43:19 Yeah, you work for him?
00:43:20 No, I've been trying to get in for like a fucking year, man.
00:43:23 Just get to run around all the time.
00:43:25 Really?
00:43:26 But he loves me.
00:43:27 I'm gonna hang up now.
00:43:28 Really?
00:43:29 Yeah.
00:43:30 Okay.
00:43:31 Hold on one second.
00:43:33 Yes, Jim, please.
00:43:35 Rich Burns.
00:43:37 Hello. Hey, Jim.
00:43:39 What's up?
00:43:40 It's Rich. How you doing?
00:43:42 Good, good.
00:43:43 Yeah.
00:43:45 Oh, I know. Yeah, I'm gonna be there in March, right?
00:43:50 Yeah, March 17th, right.
00:43:52 Excellent. Look, I was wondering...
00:43:54 If you, uh... Do you have a feature for that week?
00:43:59 Oh, really?
00:44:00 Really.
00:44:02 Because I was thinking, I was, well...
00:44:04 I was just gonna ask if I could bring my own.
00:44:06 Showing opinion.
00:44:08 But yeah, he's good.
00:44:10 He's good.
00:44:12 Well, I've been going on three weeks with him now.
00:44:16 Yeah, no, he's a rock in the room.
00:44:18 Definitely.
00:44:20 Okay. He's right here. Hold on.
00:44:22 Do you have a second week of April?
00:44:25 April?
00:44:26 Yeah.
00:44:28 Yeah, I got it.
00:44:30 Yeah, he does?
00:44:33 All right.
00:44:35 All right, excellent.
00:44:36 Thanks, Jim.
00:44:37 Yeah, I'll see you soon.
00:44:38 Okay, I will. Bye-bye.
00:44:41 You're in. Second week of April.
00:44:43 No shit?
00:44:44 No. I tried to get us to work together, but, you know, we had it filled, so...
00:44:47 That easy.
00:44:49 Dude, thanks, man.
00:44:51 No problem.
00:44:52 Well, I want to thank you all for coming out.
00:44:56 And I hope you had a good time.
00:45:00 Because really, that's what it's all about.
00:45:02 Good times and good laughs.
00:45:05 Right?
00:45:07 I mean, they say laughter is the best medicine.
00:45:10 And laughter is a cure-all.
00:45:13 Both physically and mentally.
00:45:16 You know, and if I could make just one of you laugh and brighten up your day,
00:45:25 then I've done my job.
00:45:29 And all I ask for you in return is that you go out and brighten up someone else's day
00:45:41 either by telling them a joke or giving them a compliment.
00:45:47 Make someone smile.
00:45:49 Because if everyone can just make one person smile
00:45:56 or put laughter on another person's lips,
00:46:01 then we can heal this torn nation
00:46:05 and answer Rodney King's question.
00:46:11 Yes.
00:46:13 We can all get along.
00:46:16 [door opens]
00:46:17 Hey, what's up?
00:46:18 Hey, man.
00:46:19 What the hell was that bullshit?
00:46:22 All right, nothing.
00:46:25 Jared wants all his headliners to have a message.
00:46:29 A message?
00:46:30 Yeah.
00:46:31 Pretty stupid, huh?
00:46:33 It's his fuck club, man.
00:46:35 Yeah.
00:46:36 I know.
00:46:38 Do you think anyone bought it?
00:46:40 Not a one.
00:46:42 I didn't think so.
00:46:45 I was sort of screwing around just to show how stupid I look, you know?
00:46:49 Who does think I was mocking them?
00:46:52 That was beautiful!
00:46:55 Absolutely brilliant!
00:46:57 Did I tell you or did I tell you?
00:46:59 You got to trust Jared, huh?
00:47:01 I've been in this business too long to be wrong, baby.
00:47:04 Hey, I tell you what, take note of your friend here.
00:47:07 If you ever want to be a headliner, he's good.
00:47:10 Fucking beautiful.
00:47:14 [door closes]
00:47:15 [knock on door]
00:47:17 Sean?
00:47:18 Hey!
00:47:19 What's happening?
00:47:20 I'm here.
00:47:21 Wow.
00:47:22 I didn't think you made it.
00:47:24 Yeah, I came in a little late, but I only missed like two minutes of your act.
00:47:28 Wow, you look great.
00:47:30 Oh, this is Cheryl, by the way.
00:47:32 Hi.
00:47:33 Cheryl, the one in your documentary and on the Scarecrow.
00:47:35 Hi.
00:47:36 And this is the other comic, Rich.
00:47:38 Hi.
00:47:39 Hi.
00:47:40 This is Alyssa, I'm sorry, my sister, Alyssa.
00:47:42 Oh, hi.
00:47:43 You look nothing like Sean, thank God.
00:47:46 I know, well, we're not really related.
00:47:49 Oh, you're not?
00:47:50 No.
00:47:51 Are you like stepbrother and sister?
00:47:53 Kind of.
00:47:54 It's a long story.
00:47:56 Maybe I'll tell you about it later, you know?
00:47:58 Actually, you know, I live here in Sac, maybe we can get together later on in the week and
00:48:01 hang out or something.
00:48:03 I thought you were really funny.
00:48:05 Oh, really?
00:48:06 Mm-hmm.
00:48:07 Sure, that'd be great.
00:48:08 Yeah, I could go get a cup of coffee or something.
00:48:10 Yeah.
00:48:11 So you never told me you had a sister.
00:48:13 Yeah, I didn't know that was supposed to be your own personal Czech fucking glory.
00:48:17 Hey, man, I'm not picking up on your sister.
00:48:21 This is Chris, Sean, we're just talking.
00:48:23 I'm sorry, I'm just...
00:48:27 Overreacting, I guess, I just had this kind of thought of my sister dating a comic.
00:48:33 I don't know, just...
00:48:35 I don't know, it's stupid, rich as in white.
00:48:38 You?
00:48:39 Yeah, pretty much.
00:48:41 Sorry, man, it was no offense.
00:48:43 It's all right.
00:48:45 I don't know, get us some drinks or something.
00:48:48 I'll go with you.
00:48:49 Why don't you guys sit?
00:48:50 You mind talking?
00:48:51 Yeah, that's fine.
00:48:52 So how exactly were you two related?
00:48:55 His dad was going to marry my mom.
00:48:58 And we lived together for about five years or so in high school.
00:49:02 And then his dad cheated on my mom and they broke up.
00:49:07 But during that time we called each other brother and sister
00:49:10 because I had two other friends named Sean and a cousin named Sean.
00:49:15 So when I would say Sean, people would say Sean who?
00:49:18 Sean Andrews, Sean McNamara, your cousin, or your brother.
00:49:22 So it just became my brother.
00:49:24 And then after our parents broke up, we just kept calling each other brother and sister.
00:49:29 I guess it's because we're the same age, you know, we developed a tight bond or something.
00:49:35 So have you always been close, even from the beginning?
00:49:37 No, not at all.
00:49:39 At first he would always try to get with me, you know, and...
00:49:43 You know, when I think about it now, it's really kind of gross.
00:49:47 You know, it seems so incestuous now.
00:49:51 So you're saying that Sean picked up on you?
00:49:53 Yeah, like when we'd watch a scary movie or something,
00:49:57 he'd act all scared and then try to cuddle up to me.
00:50:00 And then sometimes, you know, he would say that he couldn't sleep
00:50:04 and he'd want to come into my room and sleep with me in my bed.
00:50:07 And even when we got older, you know, he always, always had to hug me.
00:50:12 And they were long hugs too.
00:50:14 Come to think of it, he still does it.
00:50:16 But you never thought about it?
00:50:18 I mean, even before you considered yourself related?
00:50:21 Oh, no. No way. I mean, he was gross.
00:50:25 I mean, when we first met, he was so white trash.
00:50:29 You know, he and his dad, they're from the mountains, I'm from Los Gatos, you know.
00:50:35 We're just a totally different class of people, you know.
00:50:38 Not to sound snobby or anything, that's just the way it was, you know.
00:50:42 And you should have seen his clothes.
00:50:45 I mean, so thrift store.
00:50:47 And I'm not talking like retro cool thrift store.
00:50:50 I'm talking goodwill thrift store.
00:50:52 Wrangler.
00:50:53 Oh, yeah. Totally dirty.
00:50:55 Smelly.
00:50:56 Yeah. Stinky, you know.
00:50:57 Like this couch.
00:50:58 Yeah. But luckily, you know, under my guidance, he's completely changed.
00:51:03 You know, I've washed the white trash completely out of him.
00:51:06 Hey, I met a chick. We're going to a strip club. You guys want to go with?
00:51:12 So do you get to run around a lot?
00:51:14 What, are you kidding me?
00:51:16 Check this out.
00:51:17 Comedy Club?
00:51:35 Yeah, can I speak to Brad, please?
00:51:37 Hold on a moment.
00:51:39 Sir, may I call this calling?
00:51:42 Yeah, this is Sean Payne.
00:51:43 Hold on.
00:51:45 Mr. Payne, what's this regarding?
00:51:49 Yes, I sent him a tape and I was just calling to check up.
00:51:52 Okay. Hold on again.
00:51:54 Sir, Mr. Johnson's in a meeting right now. Can I have him return your call, please?
00:52:00 No, thanks. I'll just hold.
00:52:02 Sir, he's in a meeting. It could be hours.
00:52:05 That's fine. I'm on my parents' phone.
00:52:07 Hold on.
00:52:12 Sir, Mr. Johnson must have stepped out for a moment. I'll need to take that message and have him return your call.
00:52:17 You know, actually, you know what? I'll tell you where you can find him. He's in a fucking meeting.
00:52:22 You're never going to work there.
00:52:25 I know. I don't even want to work there anymore, man. It's like fucking, you know...
00:52:28 Someday I'll work there. He'll be calling me. I'll work there for triple money.
00:52:33 Fucking bastard.
00:52:35 So, do you still have to put up with that stuff, too?
00:52:38 To a certain extent, yeah.
00:52:41 I mean, I can get a lot more recommendations now, but...
00:52:44 You know, I mean, unless you're a household name and you've been on the biggies like Carson or Leno, Letterman, The Mo Show, or you have your own HBO special, and you've still got to prove to them that you're good.
00:52:55 I was on the Star Search of its day.
00:52:58 The Ted Mac amateur hour.
00:53:00 Oh, yes. Lovely. And I, uh, well, I would put on Mother's dress and...
00:53:06 Oh, Mother. Lovely, lovely person. Wonderful human being. Dare I say, true candidate for sainthood. God bless us all.
00:53:17 We have a homeless problem in L.A.
00:53:22 Thank you.
00:53:24 But, you know, a lot of people say it's a homeless problem. I don't like to call it a problem. I...
00:53:28 Hi.
00:53:29 Oh, hi.
00:53:30 So, I hear you're the chick who's doing the documentary on Rich.
00:53:34 Yeah, yeah, that's me. I'm the chick.
00:53:37 I didn't mean...
00:53:39 Oh, no.
00:53:41 Todd. Hi. How's it going? I'm Todd Adams.
00:53:43 Hi, Cheryl. Nice to meet you.
00:53:44 I'm a comic, too. I'm from Sacramento.
00:53:46 Great. Oh, cool. Are you just starting out?
00:53:48 Uh, no. No, I'm a pro. I've been doing this years. Yeah. I'm just taking a little time off, you know.
00:53:55 I've gotten a little too much work lately and, uh, figured, you know...
00:53:59 I'm surprised you haven't heard of me.
00:54:01 Yeah, I, you know, I do shows all the time.
00:54:04 Well, no, I'm no comedy aficionado.
00:54:08 Well, you know, we can't all be.
00:54:10 Is that, uh...
00:54:11 Great.
00:54:12 So, uh...
00:54:13 That's like Mighty Mouse.
00:54:14 Why Rich?
00:54:15 No, no, baby. That's the new Star Wars.
00:54:17 Well, why not Rich? Is there something wrong with him or something?
00:54:20 Well, no. I mean, you know, you're not really big into originality.
00:54:25 He's one of the most original comics I've ever seen. I mean, you know, I think his material's hilarious.
00:54:30 Listen, I'm not bagging on him. Okay? He's a buddy of mine.
00:54:33 I'm just saying, you know.
00:54:35 Most of the jokes, most of the ones that are really working for him, I kind of helped him with.
00:54:40 Yeah. I'd say I wrote about half the act. Yeah. The punch lines.
00:54:45 Really? Wow. So you're saying that he stole material from you or...?
00:54:51 No, I'm not saying stole. I'm just saying, uh...
00:54:55 borrowed.
00:54:57 Like that? That, uh... That joke right there?
00:55:01 Yeah.
00:55:02 Yeah, it was crap before I helped him out with it.
00:55:05 He ran up by me and I, you know, threw him a line or two and he, uh...
00:55:09 He slipped me some chump change for it.
00:55:11 Really? Really? Wow. You wrote that punch line?
00:55:14 Don't say anything to him, 'cause a lot of times when a comic buys a joke, you know, they get testy about it.
00:55:20 They want everyone to think they wrote it.
00:55:22 So, uh... Yeah, don't... Try not to, uh... Bring it out.
00:55:26 Oh, that's very, very... For riches sake.
00:55:28 Yeah. I mean... Wow, I don't know what to say. That's... That's interesting.
00:55:33 I'd love to see you sometime.
00:55:35 Lucky you. I'm coming by tomorrow night.
00:55:37 Oh, really?
00:55:38 Yeah, I'm gonna do a little set, so you're gonna be around?
00:55:41 I sure will.
00:55:42 Be here, get ready to get blown away.
00:55:44 Okay. All right. Yeah.
00:55:46 Well, it was nice meeting you.
00:55:47 Nice meeting you, Todd Adams.
00:55:50 It's like, uh... Hey!
00:55:52 You suck!
00:55:54 Dick!
00:55:56 Uh, excuse me? Sorry, I didn't... I suck dick?
00:56:01 Well, I'm sorry, I don't know what your boyfriend told you here, but I've never seen him before.
00:56:06 Hey, we're not gay, dude.
00:56:08 And I said, "You suck, dick!"
00:56:12 'Cause dick is short for rich, right?
00:56:15 Wouldn't that mean...
00:56:17 Dick?
00:56:20 Hey, my father's name was Dick.
00:56:23 And they used to call me Little Dick.
00:56:25 My friends used to call... My friends used to call up, and my mom would say,
00:56:28 "Oh, do you want to speak to Big Dick or Little Dick?"
00:56:31 And the other thing, I mean, it's tough, like, when, uh, you know, meeting girls,
00:56:38 it's tough when your name's Dick, but remember, my last name's Burns.
00:56:41 You know, what am I supposed to do? Walk up, "How you doing? Dick Burns."
00:56:45 So, you know, about five years ago, we started this, taken off, done pretty well, made a little money, had a lot of fun, right?
00:56:51 Hey, aren't you Dre Sims?
00:56:53 Yes.
00:56:54 Host of the Hip Hop Comedy Showcase, right?
00:56:55 Yes, I am.
00:56:56 Oh, damn, dude, I'm a huge fan of your show, man.
00:56:58 Thank you very much, man. I saw your set.
00:57:00 It was all right.
00:57:01 Oh, that's cool, man. I'm such a fan. I swear, I love your show.
00:57:04 Sit down.
00:57:05 Oh, really? Oh, cool, man. 'Cause I, uh... Oh, shit, sorry about that, man. I didn't mean to get all over you there.
00:57:09 So, what's the deal with this guy, Todd Adams?
00:57:11 Todd Adams?
00:57:13 Yeah.
00:57:14 Thank you.
00:57:15 Well, he said that you were using his material, or you...
00:57:19 What? I was using... He said that I was using his material?
00:57:24 Well, yeah, I mean, something like that. Like, you bought his jokes, or you bought his material, or...
00:57:29 I bought my material from Todd Adams.
00:57:32 He made a big point of saying it. Yeah.
00:57:34 I was wondering, um, what it takes to actually, like, get on the show. I'd like to get on the show if I could.
00:57:40 Um, you understand that it's a black show?
00:57:42 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
00:57:43 And you realize you're white?
00:57:47 Yeah, what's the problem?
00:57:49 Uh, it's a black show. Like the Apollo, right? Black audiences coming to see black comics.
00:57:57 Yeah, but I work black rooms all the time. They love me. Black audiences love me. I kick ass in the black rooms.
00:58:01 I gotta tell you, man, I've had a few white people on before, man. They suck, man. They don't, uh, they don't do very well.
00:58:07 Yeah, but I can do it, you know why? 'Cause I'll tell you something. 'Cause I know, like, no color lines. Okay?
00:58:13 I don't know no color lines. And I don't even think, to be honest with you, that color has anything to do with pigmentation.
00:58:19 Okay, so wait. If color has nothing to do with pigmentation, what is color?
00:58:25 It's about what you have to say, man. It's like, well, you know, who you are, what's your point is, what's your message to all the people.
00:58:31 That's what it's about.
00:58:32 Your message. Yeah.
00:58:33 So you've been talking to Jared, right?
00:58:35 Man, I'm serious, man. I'm totally serious. 'Cause, no, no, look, dude. I can do a good, I can do a black, black comedy.
00:58:41 From a white perspective.
00:58:44 Black comedy from a white perspective?
00:58:46 Yeah, man, I speak Ebonics.
00:58:48 Okay, wait. Okay. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give you my card, man.
00:58:51 Alright.
00:58:52 We're having auditions all around the country, you know, and we'll be back here in about six months.
00:58:56 And I'll get you an audition for next season.
00:58:58 Really? For reals?
00:58:59 Yes, for reals. YBT. Now, come on.
00:59:01 Dude, that's killer, man. That sounds so killer. I'm gonna be in touch.
00:59:04 Don't, don't say killer.
00:59:06 No?
00:59:07 Alright. Word.
00:59:09 Word.
00:59:10 Word. Huh?
00:59:11 Alright, cool. Thanks, man. I'll call you.
00:59:13 Six months. I'll call you.
00:59:14 Six months.
00:59:15 Alright, cool.
00:59:16 No sooner.
00:59:17 Cool.
00:59:18 That guy, he opened for me at a one-nighter in Montana.
00:59:22 He's been waiting, he's been asking me to take him on the road with me.
00:59:27 This, shit, he, he lives here and he can't even get into this club.
00:59:32 Well, actually, he said he was gonna be here tomorrow night and I should totally check out the show.
00:59:37 He's doing a guest set?
00:59:38 Yeah.
00:59:39 No shit.
00:59:41 Oh, man. I am gonna give him so much shit.
00:59:44 No, you know what? I'm not there yet. I don't even have to. He's gonna hang himself up there.
00:59:49 What's that?
00:59:50 Talking about Todd Adams.
00:59:52 You know him? That guy?
00:59:53 Oh, he's at the bar earlier?
00:59:55 Not funny, right?
00:59:56 No, he sucks.
00:59:57 Yeah, I know that.
00:59:58 Yeah. He, he, no, he told Cheryl that I buy my material from him.
01:00:04 Yeah.
01:00:05 Only the best jokes, he said.
01:00:06 What a fucking idiot.
01:00:07 I know, man. He's doing a guest set here tomorrow night.
01:00:09 Dude, you gonna beat his ass or what? I'd beat his ass.
01:00:11 Dude, yeah, dude, no, you know what? Let me beat him. Let me do it.
01:00:14 'Cause I fucking, I just, motherfucker, non-funny motherfucker.
01:00:17 Shut up.
01:00:18 Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce. I'm gonna let him do it with the set.
01:00:21 He's gonna, he'll, he'll fucking beat his own ass.
01:00:24 Yeah.
01:00:25 Did I, uh, I saw you talking to, uh, Dre Simms over there. What's that about?
01:00:31 Um, I don't know. I was talking to him about, uh, getting auditioned for Hip Hop Comedy Showcase.
01:00:38 Why?
01:00:40 What do you mean why? Dude, have you seen that show? Have you seen the people on that show, dude?
01:00:43 Yeah. They all do the same act.
01:00:46 Yeah, exactly. And they get the, like, TV show with the ass.
01:00:49 I mean, everybody that's been on that is now working in, like, a sitcom or a movies or something, dude.
01:00:54 I'm thinking that's my calling.
01:00:56 Yeah, but, Sean, you forget one minor thing. You're white. They don't like white people on that show.
01:01:05 No, dude, that's not true. They just don't relate to what most white comics are talking about. That's the problem.
01:01:12 Uh-huh.
01:01:13 I'm gonna do a whole different set, okay? I'm gonna do black comedy, alright? From a white perspective.
01:01:20 Black comedy from a white perspective.
01:01:22 That's, that's a high concept there. Yeah.
01:01:24 And what are you gonna talk about growing up in the hood? You're from Los Gatos, California, Vanilla Latte.
01:01:30 What are you, what are you, could you possibly relate to?
01:01:33 You said it yourself. They all do the same act, right?
01:01:36 All I gotta do is watch some of the tapes, watch the show, then all I gotta do is, like, take all the niggas and change it to, like, crackers or honkies. I'm fucking set.
01:01:47 Oh, good luck, man. You got a set of balls on you anyway, I'll tell you that. Maybe it'll work.
01:01:53 Damn straight.
01:01:54 Wow.
01:01:55 Dude, I had to tell you. That pot shit was so fucking great. It was so fucking true, man.
01:02:05 I can't believe you don't smoke pot no more, man. You're fucking lying.
01:02:13 You're a closet toker and it's 4/20, dude.
01:02:18 Really?
01:02:20 Hey, I got some kind bud loaded in my bong right now in the parking lot. Let's fire it up, bro.
01:02:29 Oh, thanks, but I really did quit.
01:02:33 Pot smokers don't quit. They graduate.
01:02:37 I'm just giving you shit, bro.
01:02:40 You really, you actually, you drive around with a bong?
01:02:44 Actually, it's a water pipe. I work at one of those head shops and it's illegal for us to call it a bong. That's why when you go in there, they always say it's for tobacco.
01:02:56 Really?
01:02:57 No shit. Yeah. Cause, like, pot's, like, fucking illegal, you know?
01:03:02 Really?
01:03:03 Uh-huh.
01:03:04 Thanks, man.
01:03:06 Thank you, bro.
01:03:07 Yeah.
01:03:13 Dude, is that thing on, bro? Yeah?
01:03:17 Hey, man, can you do, like, that squiggly thing to my face, like on cops? Because if my boss sees this, I'm fucked. And if my parole, six months, I have to keep a job. Fuck, I'm out of here!
01:03:35 Good luck, bro. You're going places.
01:03:37 Thanks, man.
01:03:38 So, do you guys always come out to see Rich?
01:03:41 Oh, yeah, we come here all the time. And this is the first time we've been here twice in one week, though. This Rich Burns guy is hysterical. We love Dick. Dick rocks. We love Dick.
01:03:52 The good news is, Jared has decided to give you five minutes of his stage time.
01:03:56 Great.
01:03:57 You'll be wearing that.
01:03:59 Yeah, pretty cool, huh?
01:04:01 So, five minutes means you're off the stage by 8.20. Not 8.21. Not 8.19. 8.20. Understood?
01:04:09 Got it. 8.20. No problem. You gonna watch my magic?
01:04:13 I'll be watching.
01:04:15 Cool, because I'm gonna kick some ass. Pay attention.
01:04:18 Okay. We'll see.
01:04:23 Keep going for Bill. You good? Yeah, absolutely.
01:04:31 So, how's it going, y'all? I'm Todd Adams. You doing pretty good?
01:04:35 Yeah, good.
01:04:36 So, I'm a comic. I'm from Sacramentos. The Freshmaker? The Freshmaker? Yeah, alright.
01:04:46 So, I've been traveling around quite a bit, you know, trying to watch a little TV, a little bit of the Yan Can Cook. What's the deal with that motherfucker, anyway?
01:04:57 Didn't my dad shoot him in half?
01:04:59 Dude, he's got like five minutes. When's he gonna get to his set?
01:05:01 Come on, Yan Can, get me a soda.
01:05:03 This is his set.
01:05:04 That's what I'm talking about, mister. Right? Yeah, he knows.
01:05:07 So, I'm taking a shit, right? And it's not one of the nice, chunky ones, one of the easy ones that you're gonna use less than half a roll.
01:05:16 I'm talking about a wet one. You know, where it's like going down and splashing on my butt. You know, sir, yeah, you feel me on that.
01:05:24 My dad, ladies and gentlemen.
01:05:26 I can't. I told him. I specifically told him five minutes. You heard him say five minutes, right?
01:05:30 Where are you from? Five minutes. And I've been giving him the light now for like two minutes.
01:05:34 At seven minutes. You know what it is? He's inconsiderate. He is oblivious to his actions and he's inconsiderate.
01:05:41 And I'm... Seven minutes. That is intolerable.
01:05:45 You know, maybe something clever like balls anew.
01:05:48 You ever drink and you wake up the next day with injuries, you know, like a broken hand from beating your kids?
01:05:56 Beat your kids is what I'm getting at. You know what I'm saying?
01:06:00 Be a lot less trouble in the world if people just keep the spanking going.
01:06:04 And I'm not just talking about me and the neighbor.
01:06:07 You didn't see the other lights yet. Patrick, you off. You off.
01:06:11 Oh, this... Oh, oh. He is never gonna work in my club again.
01:06:17 It's because I specifically told him five minutes. What is it? What is it? Ten minutes.
01:06:22 I've told him already. Oh, he is... Light him.
01:06:29 So, uh, this is Dirty Saki's impression of Jack Nicholson.
01:06:34 Okay, everybody ready? Dirty Saki doing Jack Nicholson.
01:06:39 You know who Jack Nicholson is, sir? Yeah. Okay, well, here we go.
01:06:43 Here's Saki.
01:06:47 Sean, get him off my stage. Get him off Jared's stage.
01:06:53 Don't you have an emcee for this or what?
01:06:58 I have him on a very important project. He cannot be interrupted right now.
01:07:05 I don't care what you say. Just get him off the friggin' stage, okay?
01:07:08 All right, come on. Go. All right.
01:07:12 So, yeah, how about a hand for your waitstaff, everybody? Are your waitstaff working?
01:07:17 Yeah, I'll tell you something. One of these girls is gonna have a kid.
01:07:21 I've decided. Plenty of time.
01:07:26 So, I travel around the country a lot. Been over to Wyoming.
01:07:31 Boy, those people are stupid.
01:07:34 I was thinking about... Give it up for Todd Adams, ladies and gentlemen.
01:07:38 Yeah, how about it for me? Yeah, everybody. What do you think?
01:07:43 So, how about those Asian drivers, huh? Hey, Jesus Christo.
01:07:47 If I see another Slanny in my rearview, people, you know who I'm talking about?
01:07:52 You know, they're always there. They can't really...
01:07:55 Hey, so, folks, thanks a lot. I'm Todd Adams. Keep your wait...
01:07:59 Whoa, whoa. Hey. Hey. What the hell was that?
01:08:03 What was what? What the fuck are you doing up there?
01:08:06 I said five minutes. Did I say five minutes?
01:08:09 You said five minutes. See? I said five minutes. And you did ten minutes.
01:08:12 I had to have your ass dragged off the friggin' stage. What the fuck are you doing?
01:08:15 Well, I figured, you know, since I was killing... You were killing?
01:08:18 You were killing? You were killing me.
01:08:21 What audience were you performing in front of? You were killing my business.
01:08:24 Look, pal, when I say five minutes, I mean five minutes. Five minutes. Period.
01:08:30 You're never gonna work here. Ever. I never wanna see you in my club again.
01:08:34 Now get the fuck out of here.
01:08:37 Hey, the door's that way.
01:08:40 I gotta get my stuff out of the green room.
01:08:43 Oh, you gotta get your stuff. Hey, I tell you what. I'll give you five minutes.
01:08:47 Can you do five minutes? That'd be really good.
01:08:50 Come on. I tell you what. I'll give you a light at four.
01:08:53 See, I still got the light. See? Can you see it now? Is it close enough?
01:08:57 What do you think I was trying to do? Land a fucking plane?
01:09:03 Hey, that was a nice set. Hey, thanks, man.
01:09:06 Hey, you know that joke about "Yen can cook"? Can I buy that outfit?
01:09:10 Did you get paid? Yeah, you.
01:09:16 Yeah. Yeah.
01:09:18 Um, what time's the plane taking off tomorrow?
01:09:24 Early. Like, uh, like eight o'clock, I think. I gotta check if I get back to the condo.
01:09:30 You gonna need a ride back to the airport or something?
01:09:33 'Cause I'm taking off early in the morning, so if you need a ride, you know, I'll take you.
01:09:36 Um, no, I think so. But Jared said he'd give me a ride.
01:09:39 Oh, really? Oh, that's cool.
01:09:42 Yeah, I think, I don't know, I'm thinking about, uh, what are you gonna do?
01:09:46 You gonna hang out or you going back to the condo right now or what's going on?
01:09:50 I think I'm gonna bail. Oh, really?
01:09:53 I think, yeah, I think I'm gonna get packed and go to bed.
01:09:56 Oh, that's cool. Yeah.
01:09:58 I'm thinking about, uh, I don't know, hanging out for a little while.
01:10:03 Oh, yeah? Blow my check, you know, something like that. I don't know.
01:10:06 Have fun. Yeah, thanks, man.
01:10:08 Hey, um, hey, did, I was gonna ask you, did Jared, did Jared give you a week back here already?
01:10:13 He told me to call him next week. Oh, really?
01:10:15 Yeah, he loves me now. Oh, really? That's cool.
01:10:17 Yeah, he, uh, he said he's gonna put a call in to his friend at the mo show.
01:10:20 Oh, really? Does he actually know people at the mo show or what?
01:10:23 I don't know, that's what he says. Really?
01:10:25 Find out. Well, good luck with that, man. I hope that goes for you.
01:10:28 Thanks, man. Give me a call when you get back.
01:10:30 Oh, I will, I will. Hang out or something. Yeah, definitely.
01:10:32 So, thank you. Sure. Thanks again.
01:10:34 Sure. Okay, hey, you two, uh, drive home safely, okay?
01:10:38 Okay. Bye. Bye.
01:10:40 Hey, we'll see you, man. All right, buddy.
01:10:42 So, uh, so, uh, what do you think of me now, you know?
01:10:48 Oh. Funny? Interesting? Stimulating?
01:10:53 Yeah, but you still don't have a chance.
01:10:57 I figured, you know, what the hell, right?
01:11:01 I mean, probably the last time I'm gonna see you, right, I might as well at least try.
01:11:04 I probably would have been strangely disappointed if you hadn't, so.
01:11:07 Well, in that case, how about, you know, how about, like, good-goodbye hug, something like that?
01:11:10 Oh, God, no, no, your sister.
01:11:12 I mean, she might be jealous, the whole thing.
01:11:15 Oh, really? Yeah.
01:11:17 I kind of knew she liked me. What'd she say?
01:11:19 So, how are things since I last saw you?
01:11:21 Good. Good. I, uh, I got a spot on the moon show.
01:11:24 You did? Oh, my God, congratulations.
01:11:27 Thank you.
01:11:28 So, when is it happening?
01:11:29 Um, two weeks from Thursday.
01:11:31 Oh, God, I'll be there.
01:11:33 Thanks, you guys, but wait, there's more. I got one for you.
01:11:35 What's this right here, huh? Huh?
01:11:37 Kate Moss clothes hanger right there.
01:11:39 That's right, I found this floating out in the ocean out there.
01:11:41 You know what kind of wood that is right there, sir, right there?
01:11:43 What kind of wood?
01:11:44 It's a Natalie wood.
01:11:45 So, speaking of Sean, have you seen or heard from him since Sacramento?
01:11:49 Uh, yeah, actually, he called me yesterday.
01:11:52 He, uh, he's going to be back up at Jared's next week for the comedy hip-hop showcase audition.
01:11:58 Wow.
01:11:59 I'm going to go.
01:12:00 You are?
01:12:01 Yeah, do you want to go?
01:12:02 Yeah.
01:12:03 All right, everybody, I want you all to kick on back and relax and enjoy this next young man
01:12:08 coming up to the stage right now from Los Gatos, California.
01:12:11 Show your love for Sean Payne.
01:12:13 What's up, what's up, how you guys doing?
01:12:15 What's going on?
01:12:16 Hip-hop.
01:12:17 You know what's going on?
01:12:19 Hip-hop comedy showcase.
01:12:20 I pull down my pants and the bitch is like, "God damn!
01:12:23 Man, that's the whitest brother I have ever seen."
01:12:26 You know what I mean?
01:12:27 And they'll be like, they're looking at me and they're like, "Damn, man, this guy, he's got like more white meat than Thanksgiving.
01:12:32 Cracker could stay in the pussy for days, man.
01:12:34 He'd stay in the pussy."
01:12:35 No, because we have to.
01:12:36 You know what I mean?
01:12:37 Because we ain't got that big shit that y'all got, you know what I mean?
01:12:39 So we got to stay in there.
01:12:40 We got to stay there for like three, four days, you know.
01:12:42 And you know we invented oral sex, too, right?
01:12:44 You know that.
01:12:45 You know the brothers don't be doing that shit.
01:12:46 We invented that shit.
01:12:47 I make a picnic out of it.
01:12:48 You know, I take a bib and shit.
01:12:49 I'm all up in that motherfucker, you know what I'm talking about?
01:12:51 I just get down in it.
01:12:52 I just get dirty, you know what I'm talking about?
01:12:54 But there really is a difference between the way we make love, you know what I mean?
01:12:58 You can see it in like the cars we drive.
01:13:00 Yeah.
01:13:01 Yeah.
01:13:02 Because like a white guy, man, Cracker drive like a little old economy car, right?
01:13:06 It's small, you know.
01:13:08 It gets good gas mileage, goes long on one tank, you know what I'm talking about?
01:13:11 But a brother drive a big-ass motherfucking Caddy, you know what I'm talking about?
01:13:15 I mean, it's like just big.
01:13:17 I mean, this ain't made for the daily commute, right?
01:13:19 It's big and flashy.
01:13:20 It's like, yo, check this shit out, right?
01:13:22 I mean, they just be--it's like the fucking joyride.
01:13:24 It's the pleasure shit, right?
01:13:25 They just rolling, you know what I'm talking about?
01:13:27 Because, I mean, think about it, man.
01:13:28 I mean, nigga don't give a fuck about no ozone, right?
01:13:30 I mean, nigga be blasting holes up in that motherfucker.
01:13:33 Yo, man, what you say?
01:13:36 Oh, shit.
01:13:37 A few days later, it was Richard's turn on national television.
01:13:41 Anyway, thank you for your time.
01:13:43 And I've been Rich Burns.
01:13:44 Have a good night.
01:13:45 [applause]
01:13:46 All right, Rich Burns.
01:13:47 Very funny stuff, ladies and gentlemen.
01:13:49 Come on over, man.
01:13:50 Very funny stuff.
01:13:51 [applause]
01:13:53 All right.
01:13:56 Good job.
01:13:57 Very funny.
01:13:58 Thank you.
01:13:59 Thanks, Mel.
01:14:00 You know, believe it or not, I saw you a couple years ago at a club in Hollywood.
01:14:04 I don't remember the name of the club, though.
01:14:06 Oh, really?
01:14:08 Well, I guess I must have left a pretty good impression on you then, huh?
01:14:11 [laughter]
01:14:13 Actually, you did.
01:14:14 Thanks.
01:14:15 Thanks, Mel.
01:14:16 Yeah, I've been working hard.
01:14:17 Well, how long have you been doing comedy?
01:14:21 Just, like, three minutes.
01:14:23 That's okay.
01:14:24 No, I mean in your entire career thus far.
01:14:26 Oh, oh.
01:14:29 Like ten years or so.
01:14:30 Ten years?
01:14:31 Yeah.
01:14:32 Wow.
01:14:33 Well, you know what they say.
01:14:34 There's no such thing as an overnight success.
01:14:36 So, you still enjoy doing the road, the traveling, the people,
01:14:40 or have you gotten sick of it by now?
01:14:43 Oh, no, no.
01:14:44 I love it.
01:14:45 I love it.
01:14:46 I do.
01:14:47 I mean, sure, it can be tedious on the road at times, but, you know,
01:14:50 I've got the greatest job in the world.
01:14:52 I get to travel around and make people happy.
01:14:56 You know, I mean, what more can I ask for?
01:14:59 Well, you do a fine job at it.
01:15:01 And please, keep it up.
01:15:03 Thanks, Mel.
01:15:04 Thanks.
01:15:05 Ladies and gentlemen, Rich Burns.
01:15:06 [applause]
01:15:08 So there you have it.
01:15:09 The life of a stand-up comic.
01:15:11 Some may end up on the road for life.
01:15:13 For some, that road leads to mega stardom.
01:15:16 Others may eventually turn off the road,
01:15:18 and some may never find the road at all.
01:15:20 But for those who truly love what they do, there is no better life.
01:15:25 I'm Cheryl Larson, and as they say in the clubs,
01:15:28 thank you for supporting live comedy.
01:15:30 Good night.
01:15:31 [music]
01:15:42 I love you, baby, say it right through and through
01:15:47 I love you, it's fine, all the prayers I thank you do
01:15:51 And I'm running 'round and drinking, staying out all night
01:15:56 It's gonna take a lot of playing to figure that out right
01:16:01 And I'll never get enough, it's like fire, you burn me up
01:16:06 You burn me up, girl, I'm all the same
01:16:11 You burn me up, girl, love, I cannot take
01:16:15 And I'll never get enough, it's like fire, you burn me up
01:16:20 [music]
01:16:34 All my kids keep telling me, be back down home
01:16:39 Find yourself another, who will build a happy home
01:16:43 And I'll have to tell them, tell the way that I really plan
01:16:48 You're my firecracker, I'm your missing flag
01:16:53 And I'll never get enough, it's like fire, you burn me up
01:16:58 You burn me up, girl, I'm all the same
01:17:03 You burn me up, girl, love, I cannot take
01:17:07 And I'll never get enough, it's like fire, you burn me up
01:17:12 [music]
01:17:14 Ray? Yes? I think we need to get back to Richie
01:17:18 This is about Richie
01:17:21 I think he's brilliant
01:17:23 I think he has a wonderful stage presence
01:17:26 And I also think he has a warmth and a charisma that
01:17:30 It's just unstoppable
01:17:32 God, what would you know about charisma?
01:17:36 You know, he's not even a handsome man-child
01:17:39 He's got the teeth of Thai power
01:17:42 And, well, what do you know? You have no taste
01:17:48 Obviously, look at what I crawl into next to every night
01:17:52 Oh, please, I was the one who took you in
01:17:55 I had a thing for a wounded animal
01:17:59 You...
01:18:04 This is coming from a man who knows nothing about show business
01:18:07 You know nothing about show business
01:18:09 Natasha Full was a documentary
01:18:12 You goddamn festering old snatch
01:18:16 Well, God, well, to you
01:18:20 Stop your camera, I'm finished
01:18:24 And... over
01:18:26 [music]
01:18:28 [BLANK_AUDIO]