Kevin Hart: What Now? (2016)

PicturePerfectChannel

Kevin Hart: What Now? is a 2016 American stand-up comedy concert film starring comedian Kevin Hart, based on his 2015 stand-up tour of the same name. It is the third theatrical release of a Hart stand-up show, following Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain (2011) and Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain (2013). The film was released in the United States on October 14, 2016. It received generally positive reviews and grossed $23 million.

Transcript

00:00:00 [MUSIC]

00:00:10 [MUSIC]

00:00:36 [MUSIC]

00:00:46 [MUSIC]

00:00:56 [MUSIC]

00:01:06 [MUSIC]

00:01:16 [MUSIC]

00:01:41 [MUSIC]

00:02:06 [MUSIC]

00:02:31 [MUSIC]

00:02:41 [MUSIC]

00:02:51 [MUSIC]

00:03:16 [MUSIC]

00:03:41 >> Good evening, how are you? >> And you must be LeBron's little replacement,

00:03:47 yes?

00:03:47 [MUSIC]

00:03:50 Welcome to the game, Mr- >> Hart.

00:03:53 The name is Kevin Hart.

00:03:56 >> Or maybe it's Mr. Bond.

00:03:59 It's a little confusing.

00:04:01 He's so little.

00:04:02 >> What did he say?

00:04:04 >> Okay, Kevin. >> What did you just say?

00:04:05 >> Kevin, don't let him get you off your game.

00:04:07 Okay, come on now.

00:04:08 Good luck.

00:04:10 Good luck is for people who are in panic.

00:04:12 >> Okay, Kevin.

00:04:13 Not now.

00:04:14 >> Okay. >> Not now.

00:04:15 >> All right. >> Go do it.

00:04:16 [MUSIC]

00:04:18 >> Whiskey, please.

00:04:19 [MUSIC]

00:04:23 >> Coming right up.

00:04:24 [MUSIC]

00:04:34 >> There you are.

00:04:40 >> I only ordered one.

00:04:41 >> I know.

00:04:42 [MUSIC]

00:04:48 >> The game is no limit poker, five communal cards, two in the all.

00:04:53 >> Sorry, what?

00:04:54 >> Two cards in the all.

00:04:55 >> No, no, nothing's going in my hole.

00:04:57 >> No. >> I don't know what game this is, but

00:04:58 we're not gonna play it today.

00:04:59 >> No, sir.

00:05:00 What I'm going to do, I'm going to put out five cards, and

00:05:02 then I will later pull out two more.

00:05:04 >> Okay, well, you talk slower.

00:05:07 >> Minimum stake is $1 million.

00:05:09 Blinds begin at 5 and 10,000.

00:05:12 This game is winner take all.

00:05:15 There are no prizes for second place.

00:05:18 Good luck to you all.

00:05:21 >> It's a shame you got to drink alone tonight.

00:05:26 I said it's a shame you got to drink alone tonight.

00:05:28 >> I heard you.

00:05:29 >> I bet 50,000.

00:05:31 >> I fold.

00:05:33 >> 50,000 to you, Mr. Hart.

00:05:36 >> 100,000.

00:05:38 >> 100,000.

00:05:39 You're serious?

00:05:40 You haven't even looked at your cards.

00:05:41 >> I don't need to look at my cards.

00:05:43 I see right through you, and you know what I see?

00:05:45 I see someone who doesn't have shit.

00:05:47 >> What does he have that I don't have?

00:05:50 >> Everything.

00:05:51 Look at him.

00:05:52 He's super intelligent.

00:05:54 >> What are these?

00:05:55 >> Five.

00:05:56 >> Five?

00:05:57 Okay, so let me count this out.

00:05:58 Five, 10.

00:05:59 What are the black?

00:06:00 >> You don't need black.

00:06:01 You have these big blue ones.

00:06:03 >> He's charming.

00:06:04 >> Why wouldn't you use two blue ones?

00:06:06 I don't understand.

00:06:07 >> I'm sorry.

00:06:08 For some reason I thought that me and him were in a hand.

00:06:11 >> He's charismatic.

00:06:12 >> What the fuck?

00:06:13 Y'all took my iPhone when I came in here.

00:06:15 >> You don't have to do math.

00:06:16 Just put another blue one on top of it.

00:06:18 >> Every time y'all talk to me, I got to start over again.

00:06:22 >> You know what?

00:06:24 I see your point.

00:06:26 I see your point.

00:06:27 >> And everything on him isn't small.

00:06:33 >> Sir, if you want to talk to me, I'm right here.

00:06:35 How did this idiot get in here, you say?

00:06:38 >> No.

00:06:41 >> But I do read subtitles.

00:06:43 >> Why do you have subtitles?

00:06:45 >> I have subtitles because you have subtitles.

00:06:47 >> That doesn't make any sense.

00:06:48 Everybody, they know what you are saying.

00:06:50 >> It does make sense.

00:06:51 You got them, I can have them too.

00:06:52 I want you.

00:06:53 >> This is ridiculous.

00:06:54 >> What's ridiculous is when I put the black bouncing ball on mine and make it that much better than--

00:06:57 >> Enough!

00:06:59 >> What the fuck was that?

00:07:01 Is that your mouth?

00:07:02 >> Oh, my God, you just threw a bucket of shit at my face just now.

00:07:05 I smelled that.

00:07:06 Nobody else smelled that?

00:07:07 It smelled like you just threw shit at my nose.

00:07:09 That's what it smelled like.

00:07:10 >> Baby, baby.

00:07:11 >> Yes?

00:07:12 >> You look thirsty.

00:07:13 What can I get you to drink, baby?

00:07:14 >> You know what?

00:07:15 I'll take a martini, shake and nut stuff.

00:07:17 If I could have three ice cubes, shave the last, put Tabasco sauce at the top, but just a little.

00:07:21 >> I ain't going to remember all that shit.

00:07:22 Tell me what you want.

00:07:23 >> Whatever you get.

00:07:24 Okay?

00:07:25 >> All right.

00:07:26 Got it.

00:07:27 >> Tell him don't put it in the sippy cup.

00:07:30 >> One Kevin Hartini coming right up.

00:07:32 >> Now just give him a beer.

00:07:35 >> Here you are, Mr. Hart.

00:07:37 >> Thank you.

00:07:39 >> Hey, Kev, it's on you.

00:07:45 So like bet, check, fold.

00:07:47 >> Well aware of the poker rules, Mr. Cheeto.

00:07:49 >> You should fucking do something.

00:07:50 I'm just saying.

00:07:51 >> Can I have a second, please?

00:07:52 >> Go ahead.

00:07:53 >> Where is it at?

00:07:54 Who's it on?

00:07:55 >> It's on you, so you can check, bet, or fold.

00:07:58 Pick one and fucking do it.

00:08:00 >> I see what's going on here.

00:08:01 Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a case of I don't have enough money to call a bet.

00:08:06 >> I can afford the next hand.

00:08:07 Obviously, I'm sitting here with tips.

00:08:09 You got money.

00:08:10 This motherfucker got money.

00:08:11 Everybody got money, Kevin.

00:08:12 It's that you're irritating the fuck out of me because you're not doing anything.

00:08:14 >> What happened, Don?

00:08:16 Daddy's tank ran dry?

00:08:17 >> What are you talking about?

00:08:18 >> Chickens ain't clucking.

00:08:19 Cows ain't mooing.

00:08:21 >> Have you lost your fucking mind, Kevin?

00:08:22 >> Oh, I know what it is.

00:08:23 There's been a vacancy at Hotel Rwanda.

00:08:25 Ain't nobody booking them suites.

00:08:27 >> You talking about a movie now, Kevin?

00:08:28 >> You know what you're mad at?

00:08:29 Because you looked at your hand, and there's nothing but a house of lies.

00:08:32 >> You're referring to the show.

00:08:33 >> That was a good one.

00:08:34 >> No, most people say house of cards.

00:08:36 >> I mean house of lies.

00:08:37 >> No, you did that good.

00:08:38 Now fucking bet!

00:08:41 >> My name's Don Cheadle, and I'm mad because I'm not Iron Man.

00:08:45 I'm the Black Iron Man, and I'm lusting.

00:08:47 I squeak when I go.

00:08:48 >> Take it easy.

00:08:49 All right, you're not making fucking sense, Kevin, and I'm going to punch you in the face.

00:08:53 I'm going to make all of that bleed.

00:08:54 If you don't goddamn well do something right now.

00:08:57 Do something!

00:08:58 >> Raise.

00:08:59 >> What?

00:09:00 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:09:01 >> I didn't raise.

00:09:02 >> That was obvious.

00:09:03 I made him a--

00:09:04 >> You cannot touch these pots, sir.

00:09:05 >> I'm fucking touching the pots.

00:09:06 These are my chips.

00:09:07 >> You motherfuckers are in cahoots?

00:09:08 >> I call.

00:09:09 >> I call that.

00:09:10 >> Oh, you call that?

00:09:11 >> Call that.

00:09:12 >> You know what I call?

00:09:13 >> What are you doing?

00:09:14 >> I'm going to grab him!

00:09:15 >> Okay, okay.

00:09:16 >> I'm going to kill you, Kevin.

00:09:17 >> Get your ass up out of here.

00:09:18 >> I'm going to fucking kill you.

00:09:19 >> Get up out of here.

00:09:20 >> Are you in the parking lot, Kevin?

00:09:22 You motherfucker, I'm going to kill you.

00:09:24 I hate you!

00:09:25 [farting]

00:09:26 >> Raise.

00:09:27 >> Two million.

00:09:28 >> Go all in.

00:09:29 >> I'm all in.

00:09:30 All of it.

00:09:31 All in.

00:09:32 >> Call.

00:09:33 >> This hand is getting kind of crazy.

00:09:34 >> Show your hand, please.

00:09:35 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:36 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:37 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:38 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:39 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:40 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:41 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:42 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:43 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:44 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:45 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:46 >> I'm going to kill you.

00:09:47 >> Show your hand, please.

00:09:51 >> Ouch.

00:09:52 >> Full house.

00:09:53 >> Ace is full of kings.

00:09:54 >> God.

00:09:55 >> That's over $5 million.

00:09:57 >> Mr. Hart?

00:09:59 >> I didn't know he had that.

00:10:02 [sighs]

00:10:04 [dramatic music]

00:10:07 ♪ ♪

00:10:09 >> Uh-oh.

00:10:10 What's that?

00:10:11 >> Ace, two, five.

00:10:12 Straight flush.

00:10:13 >> Straight flush?

00:10:14 What is it?

00:10:15 >> Straight flush.

00:10:16 >> Straight flush.

00:10:17 >> Mr. Hart wins.

00:10:18 >> Whoo!

00:10:19 Yes!

00:10:20 ♪ ♪

00:10:23 >> Uh-oh.

00:10:24 >> Hmm.

00:10:25 >> Chips, chips, chips, chips.

00:10:27 >> It's all for you.

00:10:28 >> Yes.

00:10:29 ♪ ♪

00:10:32 >> One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

00:10:37 >> Hey, where's the money?

00:10:39 >> I put it in the case.

00:10:40 >> In what case?

00:10:41 >> In this case.

00:10:42 >> You put all that money in this case?

00:10:43 >> Why are you asking such dumb questions?

00:10:44 Yes, I put the money in the case.

00:10:45 >> Oh, so now you're gonna turn into

00:10:46 the David fucking Copperfield.

00:10:47 Tell me--

00:10:48 >> Woman.

00:10:49 Hey, you act like the money couldn't have

00:10:50 fell off the table.

00:10:51 That's possible.

00:10:52 >> Mr. Hart?

00:10:53 ♪ ♪

00:10:57 Ah, you must think that you're a very funny guy, huh?

00:11:01 You have to think that you're the funniest man in America

00:11:04 to even think about pulling off what you're trying

00:11:06 to pull off today, hmm?

00:11:08 That you're doing what nobody else out there is doing, huh?

00:11:12 [laughs]

00:11:13 You have to think that you have the entire world

00:11:15 by the balls, hmm?

00:11:17 Is this what you think?

00:11:19 You insult me.

00:11:22 But I'm going to give you one chance to get out of here alive

00:11:25 without the money.

00:11:27 Then I don't ever want to see that little shit face

00:11:30 of yours ever again.

00:11:32 Now, hand over the case.

00:11:35 >> Mm-mm.

00:11:36 I'm not giving you my money.

00:11:38 This is gonna pay for my global tour.

00:11:40 ♪ ♪

00:11:47 >> 18 seconds.

00:11:59 18 seconds, but I can show you three seconds off.

00:12:01 Puts me at 15 seconds, minus the two.

00:12:03 That puts me at 13.

00:12:04 13 plus four puts me back.

00:12:06 17, 17 plus one puts me back at 18.

00:12:08 18 minus four is 14.

00:12:10 14 minus two is 12.

00:12:12 12 times pi.

00:12:13 Fuck!

00:12:14 What is 12 times pi?

00:12:15 Pi, what is pi?

00:12:16 >> Uh, four?

00:12:17 >> Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

00:12:19 Put that back in the table.

00:12:20 Put that back in the table.

00:12:21 Forget it, forget pi, forget pi.

00:12:22 Just do 14 minus two.

00:12:23 14 minus two puts me back at 12.

00:12:25 12 seconds.

00:12:26 [whirring]

00:12:27 [whispering]

00:12:28 [soft music]

00:12:31 [beeping]

00:12:32 [whirring]

00:12:36 [grunting]

00:12:38 [grunting]

00:12:40 [grunting]

00:12:42 [grunting]

00:12:44 [grunting]

00:12:46 [grunting]

00:12:48 [grunting]

00:12:50 [grunting]

00:12:52 [grunting]

00:12:54 [grunting]

00:12:56 Are you fucking kidding me?

00:12:58 [gasps]

00:13:04 [gasps]

00:13:06 [soft music]

00:13:09 [grunting]

00:13:11 [grunting]

00:13:13 [grunting]

00:13:15 [grunting]

00:13:17 [grunting]

00:13:19 [grunting]

00:13:21 [grunting]

00:13:23 He's a bleeder!

00:13:24 [grunting]

00:13:25 Shit!

00:13:26 [grunting]

00:13:27 Fucking shit!

00:13:28 [grunting]

00:13:30 [screaming]

00:13:32 [screaming]

00:13:35 [sighs]

00:13:38 What the fuck was you doing?

00:13:41 Huh?

00:13:42 Ain't shit on you.

00:13:44 Your dress ain't messed up.

00:13:45 Here all night, you wanna explain yourself?

00:13:47 Kevin, I'm Halle Berry.

00:13:49 I don't get messed up.

00:13:50 Let's go.

00:13:51 Well, that's a bunch of Holly bullshit.

00:13:53 Could've got me a napkin or something.

00:13:55 I didn't even start the watch.

00:13:59 God damn it, Kevin!

00:14:01 Okay, look at me.

00:14:02 I can't just walk around like this.

00:14:04 This means I'm gonna be late.

00:14:05 You know that, don't you?

00:14:06 I'm gonna get you some clothes.

00:14:07 Stop it.

00:14:08 Look at me.

00:14:09 I'm covered in fucking blood.

00:14:10 I see that, Kevin,

00:14:11 but nobody around here notices that,

00:14:12 so just walk normal.

00:14:14 What it is, baby?

00:14:16 What the hell happened to you, man?

00:14:18 I love you, too.

00:14:19 How can you look dead?

00:14:20 See?

00:14:21 I'm saying people already notice shit.

00:14:22 You.

00:14:23 Yo.

00:14:24 You on your period, my lady?

00:14:25 Ain't every man.

00:14:26 What?

00:14:27 Halle, you gotta get me some damn clothes.

00:14:29 [door opens]

00:14:31 [sighs]

00:14:32 [clears throat]

00:14:34 What took you so long?

00:14:37 What kind of question is that?

00:14:38 What do you mean, "What took me so long?"

00:14:39 I was getting the blood off me.

00:14:40 What were you doing?

00:14:41 I thought you was gonna be long.

00:14:42 Why would you think I would be long?

00:14:44 'Cause you're a woman.

00:14:45 Women take long.

00:14:46 Everybody knows that.

00:14:47 How about, Kevin, you look nice.

00:14:48 How about I see what you did with the time?

00:14:50 [clears throat]

00:14:51 You don't feel like a compliment is necessary?

00:14:53 That's your problem.

00:14:54 Like, why you got attitude?

00:14:56 I just gotta get my mind right.

00:14:57 So much stuff happening right now.

00:14:58 Just calm down.

00:14:59 I know.

00:15:00 Hey, thank you.

00:15:01 [gunshots]

00:15:03 [glass shatters]

00:15:04 [crowd gasps]

00:15:06 Close your mouth, Kevin.

00:15:08 Let's go.

00:15:09 Oh!

00:15:12 Where the fuck you get a gun from?

00:15:17 [upbeat music]

00:15:19 Kevin, we love you!

00:15:21 [cheers]

00:15:22 Kevin!

00:15:24 Kevin, you're the man!

00:15:26 Kevin, we love you, man!

00:15:28 Shit.

00:15:29 [phone rings]

00:15:31 You hear that?

00:15:32 I do.

00:15:33 Shit.

00:15:35 What now?

00:15:36 What now is I do my job.

00:15:38 Okay.

00:15:39 Be careful.

00:15:40 Wait a minute.

00:15:41 Is Holly Berry giving me the look?

00:15:43 Okay, listen up, people.

00:15:44 If you think I'm gonna have Holly Berry in my movie

00:15:46 and I'm not gonna kiss her,

00:15:47 then you got another thing coming.

00:15:49 That's goddamn Holly Berry.

00:15:50 She about to get a berry blast to these lips,

00:15:52 I tell you that.

00:15:55 Well, now that I know what we both want,

00:15:57 I stop wasting time.

00:15:59 [clears throat]

00:16:01 What are you doing?

00:16:02 I'm not doing nothing. I'm about to kiss you.

00:16:04 Nobody said anything about a kiss.

00:16:05 Just do a little one.

00:16:06 I'm not kissing you, Kevin. Come on.

00:16:07 Do this.

00:16:08 Okay.

00:16:09 No, with your lips.

00:16:11 Fine, forget it.

00:16:12 Hey, Tim.

00:16:13 Yeah, Kev?

00:16:14 Let's just take it from the top.

00:16:15 Good idea.

00:16:16 Ready?

00:16:17 I'm ready.

00:16:18 And action.

00:16:19 Be careful.

00:16:20 No, you be careful.

00:16:21 Because being careful is what I'm most careful at.

00:16:24 I do it very carefully.

00:16:26 What the fuck did you just say?

00:16:28 Goddamn it.

00:16:29 Just shit!

00:16:30 Fuck me!

00:16:32 Don't worry about me.

00:16:36 You hear me?

00:16:37 Are you sure you don't want a kiss?

00:16:38 Kevin.

00:16:39 Shh.

00:16:40 Ew.

00:16:41 Okay.

00:16:42 All right, boy, let's cut the shit.

00:16:48 Let's do what you do best.

00:16:49 Let's go make these people laugh.

00:16:52 It's showtime!

00:16:54 It's showtime!

00:16:57 [crowd cheering]

00:16:59 [hip-hop music playing]

00:17:05 [crowd cheering]

00:17:07 Philadelphia, make some fucking noise!

00:17:29 [crowd cheering]

00:17:32 No.

00:17:34 That's not good enough for me.

00:17:36 Goddamn it, we sold a football stadium out tonight.

00:17:39 So I need to hear that.

00:17:41 I need to hear that.

00:17:43 [crowd cheering]

00:17:45 Hey.

00:17:48 So I'm gonna ask my city one more time.

00:17:52 Philadelphia, make some fucking noise!

00:17:55 [crowd cheering]

00:17:57 Yeah!

00:17:59 Yeah!

00:18:01 Yeah!

00:18:03 Yes!

00:18:05 Goddamn it, we about to get loose.

00:18:07 I can honestly say that the city of Philadelphia has my back.

00:18:11 Is it safe to say that, Philly?

00:18:13 It's safe to say that.

00:18:15 I think it's only right that I show Philadelphia that love back.

00:18:19 Can I see Philadelphia behind me?

00:18:21 Can I do that, please?

00:18:23 Can I see my city behind me?

00:18:25 [crowd cheering]

00:18:27 We about to have a good time tonight.

00:18:29 [crowd cheering]

00:18:31 The name of this show is called "What Now, People?"

00:18:34 The reason why I decided to call it "What Now?"

00:18:37 is because that's the question that I get the most.

00:18:40 "Kevin, what the fuck are you gonna do now?"

00:18:43 I love that question because I always have an answer for it.

00:18:46 I'm alive, I'm still experiencing shit,

00:18:48 which still means I have stuff to talk about.

00:18:51 For example, people, I'm engaged.

00:18:53 I'm about to get married again soon, okay?

00:18:55 [crowd cheering]

00:18:57 Yes.

00:18:58 I told my lady, though, I said, "Before we get married, we gotta move."

00:19:01 I did tell her that.

00:19:02 It's not that I don't like where we live.

00:19:04 I just don't like the area.

00:19:06 It's not the house, it's the area.

00:19:08 See, I didn't want to be Hollywood, stare on all the Hollywood shit,

00:19:11 so I moved out to the suburbs, fucked around, moved around a bunch of wildlife.

00:19:14 I don't like the animals around my house.

00:19:16 This is real shit right now.

00:19:18 Right now I have a raccoon problem, people.

00:19:21 Not raccoons, a raccoon.

00:19:23 One raccoon. This raccoon's a bitch.

00:19:25 I can't stay in this raccoon.

00:19:27 I got glass doors in the back of my house, right?

00:19:30 I'm sitting in the living room.

00:19:32 I can see into my backyard through the glass doors.

00:19:35 Out of nowhere, a raccoon walks up to the glass doors.

00:19:39 But not like a raccoon should, not on all fours.

00:19:42 Raccoon was on two feet.

00:19:44 Motherfucker walked up to the doors like this.

00:19:46 Swear to God, this is real shit.

00:19:48 Scared the shit out of me.

00:19:49 It looked like a nigga was walking in my backyard.

00:19:51 That's what it looked like.

00:19:53 I saw him. I said, "Oh, shit. Look at that goddamn raccoon right there."

00:19:56 He saw me. I see him. We looking at each other.

00:19:59 This is what scared the shit out of me.

00:20:01 To get a better look in my house,

00:20:03 he put his hand on the glass

00:20:06 and started looking in the window.

00:20:08 I see him. He see me.

00:20:10 He started fucking with the locks.

00:20:12 Ah, ah, ah.

00:20:14 When he couldn't get in, he got mad.

00:20:16 He fake-shotted me twice.

00:20:18 Bang, bang.

00:20:20 Then he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark.

00:20:22 This is a true story.

00:20:24 You got to understand, people, I don't like raccoons.

00:20:26 I can't stand raccoons because I don't like the way they look.

00:20:29 They look like criminals. They got black masks, gloves.

00:20:31 Everything about a raccoon says crime.

00:20:34 My lady gets home. I said, "Babe, we got to get the fuck out of this house."

00:20:38 A raccoon came up to the glass doors,

00:20:40 put his hand on the glass, saw me, shot at me twice.

00:20:43 Bang, bang. Then he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark.

00:20:47 My lady goes, "What do you get out of lying so much?

00:20:52 Like, what does that do for you?"

00:20:55 I said, "Who the fuck is lying?

00:20:57 Who makes up a lie about a raccoon coming up to the window,

00:21:00 going bang, bang, grabbing his dick, disappearing into the dark?

00:21:03 Like, whose life is that bad that they got to sit at home all day

00:21:07 and make some shit like that up?"

00:21:09 She said, "Obviously you because you're lying, Kevin.

00:21:12 You know how I know you're lying?

00:21:14 Because a raccoon can't go bang, bang.

00:21:17 You know why? Because a raccoon don't have no thumbs.

00:21:20 So how can a raccoon go bang, bang?"

00:21:24 Bitch, maybe he did this. Maybe he just did this right here.

00:21:28 What difference does it make?

00:21:30 The point is that he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark.

00:21:34 We got a dick-grabbing raccoon on the loose.

00:21:36 You worry about his fucking thumbs.

00:21:39 Need to get your priorities straight. That's what needs to happen.

00:21:42 I got a lot of animals out there, people.

00:21:44 Coyotes, mountain lions, rattlesnakes.

00:21:46 It's at the point now where I don't like taking out trash,

00:21:49 being honest with you.

00:21:50 Reason why I don't like taking out trash in my house,

00:21:52 it's because to take out the trash, I got to walk outside.

00:21:55 I got to walk down my driveway.

00:21:57 Trash cans are at the end of my driveway.

00:21:59 My driveway is long as shit, people, OK?

00:22:03 It also gets real dark in my driveway.

00:22:06 Reason why it gets so dark in my driveway at night time

00:22:09 is because I turned down the option to get lights

00:22:12 going down the side of my driveway.

00:22:14 Reason why I turned down the option is because I thought

00:22:17 the contractors were trying to take advantage of me

00:22:19 because they knew that I had money.

00:22:21 I don't trust people that do this when they talk.

00:22:25 Like, that's how he was talking to me.

00:22:27 He was like, "Hey, man, you got to get some lights.

00:22:29 "Get real dark out here. You got to get some lights."

00:22:31 I don't need no fucking lights.

00:22:33 It's a driveway. You drive in, you drive out.

00:22:35 What the fuck I need lights for?

00:22:38 I was wrong, people. I need lights.

00:22:40 Can't see shit in this goddamn driveway.

00:22:42 You got to understand, I don't like being in the dark

00:22:45 hearing animal noises, especially when I can't see the animal.

00:22:48 It fucks with me.

00:22:50 When you bite yourself and you get scared, you do stupid shit.

00:22:53 Will you hear this?

00:22:55 [imitates gun cocking]

00:22:57 [imitates gun firing]

00:22:59 You do stupid shit when you get scared.

00:23:01 [screams]

00:23:04 You bite me, I bite you back, bitch.

00:23:08 You start doing shit you saw in the movies.

00:23:10 What are you waiting for?

00:23:13 It got to the point where I started grabbing the trash,

00:23:18 running down the driveway, throwing the trash in the trash can,

00:23:21 running back to the house.

00:23:23 One day I locked myself out the house.

00:23:25 Scariest 17 seconds of my life, people.

00:23:28 Open up the door!

00:23:30 [screams]

00:23:33 What is this when you get scared?

00:23:36 [screams]

00:23:38 Whenever you're afraid, the first person you see

00:23:43 is fully responsible for whatever you were afraid of.

00:23:46 Bitch, where the fuck was you at all that time?

00:23:48 I was outside.

00:23:50 Some shit licked my neck. I'm out here calling you.

00:23:53 You in here cooking. That's your problem.

00:23:56 It got to the point where I told my lady,

00:24:00 I said, "Yo, I'm not taking out the trash no more. I'm not gonna do it."

00:24:03 She said, "Well, I'm not gonna do it." I said, "You don't have to.

00:24:06 "It's not a woman's job. It's a man's job.

00:24:08 "I'm gonna make my son do it.

00:24:10 "He's 7 years old.

00:24:12 "Time for him to start pulling his weight around here.

00:24:14 "He don't do shit."

00:24:16 That's the beautiful thing about being a dad.

00:24:18 You can do what you want when you want.

00:24:20 Can't nobody say shit about it.

00:24:22 I woke my son up at 2 in the morning with a complete bullshit story.

00:24:25 "I kicked his bed. Get your ass up. Get up!"

00:24:28 "How'd you get that goddamn trash out last night?"

00:24:30 First of all, that was a lie. I never said that.

00:24:32 Never said anything like that.

00:24:34 He woke up. He was confused.

00:24:36 "What? What? No. You never said that. What?"

00:24:39 Calling me a liar?

00:24:41 You telling me I'm lying? "Get your ass up. Get that goddamn trash out."

00:24:44 Private schools are fucking my kids up.

00:24:47 My son, he said, "All right, all right. All right."

00:24:55 Look, he goes, "Let me get my flops."

00:24:58 "What?"

00:25:00 "Your flops?"

00:25:03 "Boy, if you don't get your black, white ass down these goddamn steps,

00:25:07 "get this fucking trash, I'm gonna knock your head loose in here."

00:25:11 My son goes downstairs. He grabs the trash.

00:25:15 He's about to walk outside. He sees it's real dark.

00:25:18 He goes, "Dad, it's real dark outside. Can you come with me?"

00:25:23 "No. No, I cannot. No."

00:25:27 "That's not my journey, son. This is your journey.

00:25:29 "It's about you becoming a man. You got to do this by yourself."

00:25:33 My son grabs the trash. He's literally walking outside.

00:25:37 He goes down the driveway. I could tell when he got scared

00:25:40 'cause he stopped. He started doing this shit right here.

00:25:42 He started looking around.

00:25:44 When he looked at me, I said, "See, that's why I don't like doing that shit.

00:25:47 "Go. You all right. Finish. Finish."

00:25:50 He put the trash in the trash can, started walking back.

00:25:54 Out of nowhere, my son takes off running.

00:25:57 I mean running, haul-assing towards the house, running as fast as he can.

00:26:02 I got scared because I couldn't see what he was running from.

00:26:08 I couldn't see it.

00:26:11 So I closed the door. I closed the door.

00:26:15 No, I did. I know it's wrong, but I did it.

00:26:17 I don't want to lie. I shut the door.

00:26:20 I told myself, depending on what it was,

00:26:22 was going to determine if I opened up the door or not when he got back.

00:26:26 If it was something crazy, I was just going to put my hand on the glass.

00:26:29 I was going to say, "Son, touch the glass one last time.

00:26:31 "I hate that it had to be this way."

00:26:35 My biggest fear in life is seeing somebody that I love

00:26:38 get attacked by an animal that I can't beat.

00:26:41 That's a fear. What do you do?

00:26:43 What do you do?

00:26:45 You look happy, like you in love, man.

00:26:48 What do you do if you see a lady running down the driveway as fast as she can?

00:26:52 Out of nowhere, Tasmanian devil jump out, grab her face from the back.

00:26:57 You want to know the answer to that question?

00:26:59 Not a goddamn thing. That's what the fuck you do.

00:27:01 That's Tasmanian devil. You ain't never seen no shit like that.

00:27:04 If you look outside, all you hear is...

00:27:06 [growling]

00:27:09 You're not fucking going out there.

00:27:12 [growling]

00:27:15 All you're going to do is react.

00:27:17 Oh! Oh! Oh!

00:27:20 Get the fuck off of her!

00:27:23 She had enough.

00:27:27 My lady got mad at me when I said that. She got pissed off.

00:27:30 She got pissed off.

00:27:32 She said, "So if I got attacked by animals,

00:27:34 "I'm going to have to go to the hospital?"

00:27:36 I said, "No, I'm not going to go to the hospital. I'm going to die."

00:27:39 She said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:41 I said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:43 She said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:45 I said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:47 I said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:49 She said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:51 I said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:53 I said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:55 She said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:57 I said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:27:59 I said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:28:01 I said, "No, I'm not going to die."

00:28:03 Who am I to rewrite what God wrote?

00:28:05 That's what God wrote next to your name.

00:28:07 It said, "Death by mountain lion attack."

00:28:09 Who the fuck am I to rewrite that?

00:28:11 [laughter]

00:28:13 I'm going to be honest with y'all.

00:28:15 You know the real reason why we want to help a lady

00:28:17 that she got attacked by a mountain lion?

00:28:19 I don't know if I want to be with a woman

00:28:21 that survived a mountain lion attack.

00:28:23 I don't know if I'm going to feel the same way about you

00:28:25 when you come out that attack.

00:28:27 Like, what if he got you good?

00:28:29 What if he bit your neck up?

00:28:31 What if he bit your shoulder off?

00:28:33 You ain't got no shoulder no more?

00:28:35 That's tough. That's tough.

00:28:37 I can't be with no girl that don't have no shoulder.

00:28:40 I can't. I'm sorry.

00:28:42 You can call me an asshole all you want.

00:28:44 I can't be with a girl that can't do this.

00:28:46 Mm-mm. If you can't do that...

00:28:48 [laughter]

00:28:49 If you can't shoulder shrug, bitch,

00:28:51 I can't be with you.

00:28:53 You can't shoulder shrug, bitch?

00:28:55 Mm-mm.

00:28:57 You know how many times you shoulder shrug in a day?

00:28:59 You know how many times you shoulder shrug?

00:29:01 You did a little bit just now.

00:29:03 A little bit. Look at you. A little bit.

00:29:05 [laughter]

00:29:06 Ladies, let me tell you something.

00:29:08 You don't know how important your shoulders are

00:29:10 until you lose one of them.

00:29:12 Life will change without both shoulders.

00:29:14 I promise you that.

00:29:15 I tell you what, you can kiss halter tops goodbye.

00:29:18 That's over.

00:29:19 Every shirt you put on

00:29:21 gonna look like a goddamn toga outfit.

00:29:23 All that shit coming across the chest.

00:29:26 I don't want to be with the toga, bitch.

00:29:28 I don't want her.

00:29:29 The girl that looked like she won a pageant every day.

00:29:32 You--you--

00:29:34 [laughs]

00:29:35 You--you won every day?

00:29:38 [laughter]

00:29:42 Oh, here come Michelle.

00:29:45 Here come Miss America.

00:29:49 I don't want to be with her.

00:29:52 I tell you what, if you got one shoulder

00:29:55 and we get pulled over by the cops,

00:29:56 we're going to jail.

00:29:58 We're going to jail.

00:29:59 'Cause everything you do is gonna come off as sarcasm.

00:30:03 "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

00:30:05 "No."

00:30:06 "Get the fuck out the car right now.

00:30:08 Get out the car!

00:30:09 Wanna be a smartass? You're going to jail."

00:30:12 "I'm not. I'm not.

00:30:13 This is how it is. I'm stuck with this.

00:30:15 Don't do this, please."

00:30:18 Cop have a tough time grabbing you out the car.

00:30:20 "Get your ass out the goddamn--

00:30:22 [laughs]

00:30:25 You can't be cold with one shoulder.

00:30:29 You can't shiver with one shoulder.

00:30:34 Ain't nobody gonna believe you."

00:30:37 [laughter]

00:30:40 "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

00:30:42 "It's freezing in here."

00:30:44 "No, bitch, you twitching.

00:30:46 That's drugs. I know drugs when I see it.

00:30:49 Get your high ass out my goddamn house.

00:30:51 You're high."

00:30:53 If you only got one shoulder,

00:30:55 the only game you'll be good at is a game of tag.

00:30:59 Can't nobody tag you.

00:31:02 You out there dipping everything.

00:31:05 [grunts]

00:31:08 Shit!

00:31:10 [grunts]

00:31:11 Ah!

00:31:13 I can't tag this bitch, man.

00:31:15 She out here dipping everything.

00:31:17 You got to go for the shoulder side.

00:31:20 Ladies, I can feel you judging me.

00:31:22 Stop judging me. I feel it.

00:31:24 Kevin, you wrong.

00:31:26 You wrong.

00:31:28 That woman loved you.

00:31:30 She was with you from the beginning.

00:31:32 She held you down.

00:31:33 Let me tell you something, ladies.

00:31:35 You can't hold nobody down without two shoulders.

00:31:38 It's a scientific fact.

00:31:41 You need two shoulders.

00:31:44 I started with you guys.

00:31:46 I'll ask you a question.

00:31:47 Sweetie, do you think you the type of woman

00:31:49 that can stay with your man regardless of any freak accident?

00:31:52 Yeah?

00:31:53 You know why I love asking women that question?

00:31:56 Because your answers are never realistic.

00:31:58 See, women answer questions with emotion.

00:32:01 Emotion made you say yes.

00:32:03 "Yes! Yes! I love him! Yes!"

00:32:08 That's emotion.

00:32:10 You don't even know the fucking scenario.

00:32:12 You don't even know what happened.

00:32:14 So I'm gonna give you a scenario.

00:32:17 Let's say you and your man taking a walk.

00:32:19 Beautiful day outside.

00:32:21 You look at your man, you say,

00:32:22 "Babe, I love you more today than I did yesterday."

00:32:26 Out of nowhere, an orangutan hops the fence,

00:32:29 attacks your man.

00:32:31 The orangutan takes his kneecaps.

00:32:34 He can never do this again in life.

00:32:39 He is straight-leg for the rest of his life.

00:32:42 You can deal with this right here?

00:32:44 This ain't gonna fuck with you every day?

00:32:47 Every goddamn day, this ain't gonna fuck with you

00:32:50 looking at this?

00:32:52 Butt-ass naked going to the bathroom like this,

00:32:54 this ain't gonna fuck with you?

00:32:56 You a goddamn lie.

00:32:58 One of those days, you're gonna fucking snap.

00:33:01 If you don't go sit your straight-leg ass down,

00:33:04 walking all straight all over the fucking house,

00:33:08 sit your no-knee-bending ass down,

00:33:11 you gonna get mad 'cause you still wanna do

00:33:14 knee-bending shit.

00:33:16 "Hey, babe! Babe!

00:33:19 We still going bowling on Tuesday?"

00:33:22 All your friends-- all your friends hate when you bring 'em

00:33:25 'cause they take too long to bowl.

00:33:28 [laughter]

00:33:39 They get mad.

00:33:41 "I can't stand when she bring his ass.

00:33:44 He can never relax. He's so uptight."

00:33:47 You get mad. "I can't relax 'cause I ain't got no knees.

00:33:50 I got a tack-binding orangutan."

00:33:52 Your black girlfriend be there, she'll never believe shit.

00:33:55 "Orangutan!

00:33:58 Really?"

00:34:01 That's my black girl don't-believe-shit face.

00:34:05 "Orangutan!

00:34:08 Really?"

00:34:11 Why is that?

00:34:13 Why don't black women believe shit?

00:34:15 What happened? What happened?

00:34:18 You can't convince a black woman of shit.

00:34:21 "Hey, babe! Babe! Don't walk over there.

00:34:24 It's real slippery right there."

00:34:26 "Slippery!

00:34:29 Really?"

00:34:32 She walk over there anyway, trip, fall, hit her head.

00:34:35 "Oh, my God, it's slippery over here.

00:34:38 They need to put a sign up."

00:34:40 "Bitch, I just told you.

00:34:43 It was fucking slippery over there."

00:34:45 "Did you tell me?"

00:34:49 "Really?"

00:34:52 Could you still have sex with a guy that can't bend his knees?

00:34:56 If he was aggressive about it?

00:34:59 That's an honest question.

00:35:01 Could you have sex with a guy that can't bend his knees?

00:35:04 "Hey! Hey!

00:35:09 Get over here and get some of this.

00:35:11 Lock me, dick."

00:35:13 [laughter]

00:35:16 [thumping]

00:35:19 "Oh, don't run. Don't run.

00:35:22 Don't run."

00:35:24 [laughs]

00:35:26 It look like he be skiing on your ass.

00:35:29 That's what it look like.

00:35:31 When he come, it look like he jumped a big-ass ski ramp.

00:35:35 [thumping]

00:35:38 "Oh!"

00:35:40 Look at all the black women.

00:35:42 "Ski ramp!

00:35:45 Really?"

00:35:48 [laughter]

00:35:51 [cheers and applause]

00:35:54 "Oh, stop it. Cut it out.

00:35:57 Stop trying to make me feel tall."

00:35:59 [laughter]

00:36:01 This is how I think, people.

00:36:03 I'm a drastic thinker.

00:36:05 I'm not worse than my lady, though.

00:36:07 My lady is the queen of hypothetical thoughts.

00:36:10 I feel like--you know what I feel like?

00:36:12 I feel like all women suffer from this disease.

00:36:15 Women love to ask men questions about shit that had never happened.

00:36:18 You love it.

00:36:20 "Babe, babe, what would you do if?"

00:36:24 "Babe, babe, hypothetically speaking, but not really,

00:36:28 but if it did, what could might be, huh?"

00:36:31 You love it.

00:36:33 True story right now.

00:36:35 Me and my lady, we on the boat, right?

00:36:37 We on the boat.

00:36:39 We hit a wave.

00:36:41 She go, "Oh, my God, babe, what if we hit that wave,

00:36:43 and I would've fell out the boat in the middle of the ocean,

00:36:46 and then the shark would've started swimming around me?

00:36:48 What would you do?"

00:36:51 I'm gonna get the camera and start taping.

00:36:53 Some shit about to go down. I don't know.

00:36:56 Stop being an asshole. Answer the question.

00:36:58 What do you mean, "Answer the question"?

00:37:00 It's a shark!

00:37:02 Like, I don't know who she wants me to be in her head.

00:37:05 Like, what nigga is that tough that he sees a shark

00:37:08 and goes, "I'm sick of this shark shit,"

00:37:11 and jump in the water to fight the shark?

00:37:14 I'm not that guy. I don't have that muscle.

00:37:18 She said, "Well, what if the shark attacked me, but I got away,

00:37:20 and I swam back to the boat?"

00:37:22 I said, "That would never happen.

00:37:24 What kind of attack was this?"

00:37:26 She said, "What do you mean? What do you mean, 'What I mean?'

00:37:28 What kind of attack was this? What did the shark get?"

00:37:31 She said, "The shark bit off one leg, one arm."

00:37:36 The shark bit off one leg and one arm,

00:37:40 and you swam back to the boat?

00:37:42 That's what you're telling me?

00:37:44 Was it on the same side?

00:37:46 'Cause if it's on the same side, you're just gonna go in a circle.

00:37:48 That's all you're gonna do right here is one big-ass circle.

00:37:51 You ain't going no fucking where.

00:37:53 Stop being an asshole, Kevin. Answer the question.

00:37:56 I can't answer the question if you don't make the question make sense.

00:38:00 She said, "Fine, alternate the sides.

00:38:02 He bit one leg on this side, one arm on this side."

00:38:05 I said, "So what, you want to know what I would say when you got back to the boat?"

00:38:08 She said, "Yeah, what would you say?"

00:38:10 "Well, who else was on the boat?"

00:38:13 She said, "It's just us. It's nobody else on the boat. Just us."

00:38:17 Okay, let me get this straight. You get attacked by the shark.

00:38:20 Shark bite off one leg, one arm.

00:38:23 You swim back to the boat.

00:38:25 You climb up on the boat.

00:38:28 You're standing in front of me on one leg.

00:38:31 [laughter]

00:38:33 It's nobody else on the boat. Nobody else.

00:38:36 If it's nobody else on the boat...

00:38:40 I'm gonna push you back in. I'm gonna push you back in.

00:38:43 [laughter]

00:38:44 Shark got to finish that.

00:38:46 He got to finish that. I'm not going home with that.

00:38:49 I didn't leave with that. Why do I have to go home with that?

00:38:52 That's not what I left with.

00:38:54 The shark got to clean that plate. Clean that plate, Mr. Shark.

00:38:58 That's what my mom tell me. "Finish your food. You better finish that fucking food."

00:39:02 [laughter]

00:39:04 Y'all can think I'm an asshole all you want. This is how I think, man.

00:39:07 I told you I'm a drastic thinker.

00:39:10 This is why I told my family we need to move.

00:39:12 I'm not the father for the environment that we live in. I'm not.

00:39:16 Good thing about me and my family is we table everything.

00:39:19 Everything is up for discussion.

00:39:21 I told my son, I said, "Look, I told you I want to move. Tell me why you want to stay."

00:39:24 My son told me flat out, "Dad, I don't want to move because I don't want to leave my room."

00:39:28 I get it. I went all out for my son's room.

00:39:31 My son used to be in the Spider-Man. Now he's in the Batman.

00:39:33 So I went out. I got his whole room painted as Gotham City.

00:39:37 I put the Bat symbol on the wall. His bed is the Batmobile.

00:39:41 Batman is on the actual ceiling.

00:39:43 When my son first saw the room, he went off.

00:39:46 "Oh, Dad. Oh."

00:39:50 He was like, "I love it. Oh. Oh."

00:39:56 I told you all private schools are fucking my kids up. They are.

00:40:00 My son has a lot of white friends. They got real long hair.

00:40:03 So when my son gets excited, he does this shit.

00:40:06 Listen. Listen to me. It makes me so mad. Do you understand me?

00:40:10 This shit makes me so fucking mad.

00:40:13 The reason why is because his hair looks just like mine.

00:40:16 It's just like mine. So I'm like, "What are you doing?"

00:40:18 He was like, "I couldn't see you."

00:40:20 Bitch, you see me. Don't do that.

00:40:24 You see me. I'm right here. Don't act like you can't see me.

00:40:29 He was like, "I just want to play." Fine. Go. Go play.

00:40:32 My son goes in the room. He plays all day. All day.

00:40:36 It's time for bed. I said, "Go in there, brush your teeth, wash your face, get in the bed.

00:40:39 I'm going to kiss you goodnight."

00:40:41 My son gets in the bed. Kiss my son goodnight. I cut out the lights. I walk out.

00:40:44 When I walk out, I hear a bunch of screaming.

00:40:47 "No! No! Don't do it, Batman! Please!"

00:40:52 What the fuck?

00:40:54 I go run back in the room.

00:40:56 I run back in the room. This woman made Batman glow in the dark.

00:41:01 So Batman...

00:41:03 Batman...

00:41:05 Batman looked like he was about to rape my son.

00:41:08 I'm staring at my son.

00:41:10 Hey, I'm not going to lie. I got scared.

00:41:12 I said, "Get the fuck out of the bed!

00:41:15 Get out of the bed before he swoops down on your ass and I can't do nothing about it.

00:41:20 I can't beat Batman."

00:41:24 My daughter said, "Dad, I don't want to move because I love this space."

00:41:28 My daughter's favorite game to play at the house, she loves to hide from people.

00:41:31 Wait for you to walk by, I'll jump out and scare you.

00:41:33 [screams]

00:41:36 This girl's patience is unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it.

00:41:39 Like, I've seen my daughter go hide, but then I forgot that she went to go hide.

00:41:44 So like five, six hours go by.

00:41:47 I finally walk by, she jumps out, but she's too weak to scare me.

00:41:51 [screams]

00:41:54 "What took you so long, Dad?

00:41:57 I haven't eaten anything all day. I'm so hungry.

00:42:00 My lips are dry. They're bleeding. I need some water right now.

00:42:03 I swear to God."

00:42:06 My kids are characters.

00:42:08 But my kids are my best friends. Honestly, they're my best friends.

00:42:12 I love the fact that me and my kids talk. We communicate.

00:42:15 Now, I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to act like it's all perfect because it's not.

00:42:19 We butt heads. I recently got mad at my kids

00:42:22 because I feel like my kids don't put a lot of thought into the gifts that they give me.

00:42:26 This shit pisses me off. I'm serious. They made me mad.

00:42:29 I go all out for my kids. So I feel like when it's time to do something for me,

00:42:32 I put the same time, energy, and effort into it that I do when I do shit for you.

00:42:36 This is what made me mad. For my birthday, my son gave me a handprint.

00:42:40 This boy dipped his hand in paint, put it on a piece of paper,

00:42:44 said, "Happy birthday, Dad. Love, Hendrix."

00:42:46 Came home excited. "Dad, I got you something for your birthday.

00:42:49 You're going to love it. Close your eyes."

00:42:52 I close my eyes. I'm emotional. I start crying.

00:42:55 "Boy, don't do this to me. Don't do this."

00:42:58 "Not today. Don't do it today. What is it?"

00:43:00 He said, "Open your eyes. Happy birthday, Dad. I did this because I love you."

00:43:04 I looked at it. I said, "I'm going to be honest with you, son.

00:43:07 I don't really feel like you do. I don't think this is a good representation

00:43:10 of your level of love for me. This is a shitty gift.

00:43:13 It's a fucked-up gift." Out the corner of my eye,

00:43:16 I saw my daughter pushing a macaroni plate back down into her book bag.

00:43:21 I saw her. I said, "What the fuck is that?"

00:43:23 She looked me in the eye, "Mm-mm," trying to figure it out.

00:43:26 "I don't know yet. I don't know what I want it to be."

00:43:29 I said, "I'm not going to lie to y'all and say I didn't hold a grudge

00:43:32 because I did. I held a grudge."

00:43:34 I held a grudge all the way up until my son's birthday.

00:43:37 My son's birthday came up. He woke up. He was hype.

00:43:40 "Dad, you know what today is?"

00:43:42 "I showed you, son, it's your birthday."

00:43:44 "We're going to turn up like we always do."

00:43:46 My son goes to school, gets home. When he gets home, I got a bunch of presents

00:43:49 wrapped up in boxes, laid all out in the bed.

00:43:52 He opens them up. I had 57 handprints in all the boxes.

00:43:58 He saw it. He started crying. He was like, "What is this?"

00:44:01 I said, "Those are high fives. I got you high fives."

00:44:06 He said, "But I didn't ask for these."

00:44:08 I said, "Neither did I."

00:44:11 You selfish son of a bitch.

00:44:14 You better be lucky I didn't take a picture of my ass and put it in that box

00:44:17 to kiss my fucking ass. That's what I should have did.

00:44:21 I should have let Batman rape you. I said that.

00:44:23 I swear to God, I said that.

00:44:25 I know it's wrong, but I said it.

00:44:29 When I really want to piss my kids off, I let my dad spend time with them.

00:44:33 That's how I really get to them.

00:44:35 His thing. My kids love their grandpop. They really do.

00:44:38 They just don't like to be with him for too long because my dad is too loud.

00:44:42 It's like the older you get, the louder you get.

00:44:45 This isn't even a joke. This is how my dad walks in my house.

00:44:49 This is his entrance.

00:44:51 "Where the babies at? Hey, hey! Ho, ho, ho!"

00:44:56 That's his entrance.

00:44:58 It's at the point now where I can't even let my dad watch my kids by himself.

00:45:03 I got to watch my dad while he watches my kids.

00:45:06 Because he does so many stupid things.

00:45:08 I caught my dad giving my kids raw candy out of his pocket.

00:45:11 Candy with no wrapper. It was loose. It was just in his pocket.

00:45:14 He said, "Huh, huh. Y'all want one of these?"

00:45:17 "What the fuck is that? What are they?"

00:45:19 "Peppermints." "Ain't no goddamn peppermint.

00:45:22 Where the lines at on that peppermint?"

00:45:25 He said, "My jeans must have rubbed it off."

00:45:27 "Nigga! You're not about to give my kids no jean-dyed peppermint."

00:45:32 "Fine. More for me."

00:45:34 Takes the peppermint out of his pocket and puts it in his mouth.

00:45:36 Five minutes go by. I saw my dad take that peppermint out of his mouth,

00:45:39 put it back in his pocket.

00:45:41 Those were half-sucked on peppermints.

00:45:45 "You're not going to give my kids no goddamn sucking save."

00:45:48 "That's a sucking save. That's an old people trick.

00:45:51 Old people love to suck on candy and save it.

00:45:54 I'm going to save this so I can ask the church."

00:45:56 "Nana, eat that fucking candy.

00:45:58 Little piece of candy left. Grandma, eat that fucking candy."

00:46:01 [laughter]

00:46:03 My dad is a character.

00:46:05 The shit that I'm telling you, you can't make up.

00:46:08 I bought my dad an iPhone 6 for his birthday.

00:46:11 I've never seen my dad use a phone. Never.

00:46:14 He comes downstairs one day. He goes,

00:46:16 "Hey, I want to take the kids and go get some pizza."

00:46:19 I said, "First of all, you're not going anywhere with my kids by yourself.

00:46:22 We can go as a group."

00:46:24 I said, "Where do you want to go?" This is true shit.

00:46:26 You cannot make this up.

00:46:28 My dad takes his phone out of his back pocket. This is what I hear.

00:46:32 "Cyrus, where is the closest pizza spot?"

00:46:36 [laughter]

00:46:41 "What did you just say?"

00:46:43 "Shh! Cyrus, where you at? Talk to me.

00:46:46 Looking for a pizza spot. Wake up.

00:46:48 Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up."

00:46:50 He starts shaking the phone.

00:46:52 "Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up."

00:46:54 My dad thinks it's a nigga living in the phone.

00:46:57 He thinks it's--

00:46:59 [laughter]

00:47:01 It's Siri, you dumb bitch. Siri.

00:47:04 No goddamn Cyrus.

00:47:06 [laughter]

00:47:09 He's a character.

00:47:11 He hates the fact that I don't whoop my kids.

00:47:14 Hates it.

00:47:16 My dad is old school, old generation.

00:47:18 Old generation believes in whooping the kid's ass.

00:47:21 That's all they believe in.

00:47:23 It's not that I don't. It's not that I don't.

00:47:25 I don't want y'all to think that I don't.

00:47:27 I just don't feel like I need to whoop my kid's ass.

00:47:29 My voice is enough.

00:47:31 "Shut the fuck up!" It's enough.

00:47:34 Private school kids, they get scared fast.

00:47:37 [screaming]

00:47:42 "Dad's going crazy again."

00:47:45 "Let's go to our secret spot."

00:47:47 Private school kids.

00:47:50 I'm not gonna lie to y'all.

00:47:52 It does piss me off that my kids don't have any edge.

00:47:55 I want my kids to have edge, but they're not.

00:47:58 I'm not a thug, I'm not a killer of people,

00:48:00 but I got some edge to me.

00:48:02 You need edge to survive in life.

00:48:05 My kids aren't gonna have that edge.

00:48:07 The reason why is because they're growing up different than I grew up.

00:48:10 My son definitely doesn't have it.

00:48:12 I gave up. I don't even give a shit.

00:48:14 It is what it is. Swear to God, it is what it is.

00:48:16 I'm gonna tell you the day that I gave up.

00:48:18 The day that I gave up, I got some of my friends over at my house that I grew up with.

00:48:22 We in the kitchen.

00:48:24 We're having a thug-like conversation about our past.

00:48:27 "Yo, Kev, you remember when Ronald got shot in the back of the head?"

00:48:31 "Goddamn, I do. I really do.

00:48:34 "I'm terrified. What about Terry?

00:48:36 "You remember when Terry got shot in the back? Fuck! I remember that.

00:48:39 "I hear my son coming down the steps.

00:48:42 "I hear his flip-flops popping.

00:48:44 [claps]

00:48:46 "They popping fast.

00:48:48 "So that mean he walking with a purpose. Something's wrong.

00:48:51 "He get downstairs, he got an attitude.

00:48:54 'Dad!'

00:48:56 [laughter]

00:48:58 'Wi-Fi's down.

00:49:03 [laughter]

00:49:05 'What the fuck?

00:49:07 'What?!

00:49:09 'What, do you want me to reboot it?

00:49:11 "'Cause nobody else seems to care.

00:49:13 'Go, go, reboot it, man. Go.'

00:49:16 'I'm thirsty. Can I have a Capri Sun?

00:49:18 'Son, get the fuck out my face. Just go. Go.'

00:49:21 'Tight-ass pajamas. Take your ass upstairs. Go.'

00:49:24 'And put on some loose pajamas.'

00:49:26 [laughter]

00:49:28 Now, I don't know what made me more upset.

00:49:31 That or my friend going,

00:49:34 'Who the fuck is Wi-Fi?'

00:49:36 [laughter]

00:49:38 I said, 'What did you just say?'

00:49:41 'I'm saying, he said that they gonna reboot it.

00:49:44 'If they strapped, we strapped. I'mma die for mines.'

00:49:47 [laughter]

00:49:49 'What the fuck are you talking about, man?

00:49:51 'It's the Internet, jackass. It's the Internet.'

00:49:54 'Well, you need to say something,

00:49:56 'cause we almost lost a life today.'

00:49:58 'Whose life?!

00:50:00 'You gonna kill my son?'

00:50:02 Depending on what side he was on, I don't--hey.

00:50:05 [laughter]

00:50:07 [laughs]

00:50:09 My dad called me over the holidays.

00:50:12 'Hey! I miss you.'

00:50:15 'I miss you. I miss them babies. I wanna come see y'all.'

00:50:18 I said, 'Dad, all you gotta do is tell me

00:50:20 'when I put you on the plane.'

00:50:22 He said, 'Well, I wanna bring Connie with me.'

00:50:24 'Dad, you wanna bring Connie? You can bring Connie.'

00:50:26 'Well, before I bring her, I need to know

00:50:28 'if your house is wheelchair accessible.'

00:50:31 [laughter]

00:50:34 'Well, Dad, nobody in my house is in a wheelchair,

00:50:37 'so I never felt the need to wheelchair-accessorize my home.'

00:50:41 'Well, you need to get it right.

00:50:43 'Connie's in a wheelchair now.'

00:50:45 'What the fuck happened to Connie? Why is Connie in a wheelchair?'

00:50:48 'It's a long story. She got hit by a car.'

00:50:51 'Okay, first of all, you just told the story.

00:50:54 'It wasn't that long at all.'

00:50:56 [laughter]

00:50:58 'Second of all, how'd she get hit by a car? What happened?'

00:51:01 'Look, boy, I ain't got time to talk to you about that.'

00:51:04 'I was driving, she was in the street, it was raining, legally.

00:51:07 'I can't talk about it 'cause the case is still open.'

00:51:10 'The case? You got a case?'

00:51:13 [laughter]

00:51:15 'Look, boy, just get some wheelchair shit for the house.'

00:51:17 'Fine.'

00:51:19 I don't know what wheelchair shit is, people.

00:51:21 I have no idea what wheelchair shit is.

00:51:25 True story. I went out, I bought a handicap sign,

00:51:28 I put it in the driveway. True story, swear to God.

00:51:31 'Cause that way when they pull up, I look like I support.

00:51:34 Like, 'Hey, hey, hey. Hey!'

00:51:37 'Look who's welcome here.' Like, 'Hey!'

00:51:41 They get there, my dad takes the wheelchair out of the car,

00:51:44 puts Connie in the wheelchair.

00:51:46 He rolls Connie in the house.

00:51:48 Connie gets in the house, she goes off.

00:51:50 Oh, my God! I love it.

00:51:53 I want to see the whole house.

00:51:55 She says, 'Spoon, push me all over so I can see everything.'

00:51:58 My dad snapped. 'No! No!'

00:52:02 'Stick to this. Pushing shit!' That's what he said.

00:52:06 'I've been pushing your ass all over the place all goddamn day.'

00:52:10 'Wherever I sit you is where you gonna have to stay

00:52:13 until I feel like moving you again.'

00:52:15 I said, 'What?'

00:52:17 'Why can't she just roll around the house by herself?'

00:52:20 He said, 'When I sit her down, I'm going to lock the back brakes

00:52:23 so she can't move.'

00:52:25 For what? Because I love her.

00:52:28 And I don't want her rolling out my life, that's why.

00:52:31 OK, all right, stop. Everybody, stop. Stop.

00:52:35 I said, 'Look, y'all just landed, man.

00:52:38 Everybody's a little bit on edge.

00:52:40 This is what we're going to do. We're going to have a family night.

00:52:43 I'm going to order some food, we're going to watch a movie.

00:52:46 I order some food, I say, 'Connie, go in the other room,

00:52:49 go pick out a movie you want to watch.'

00:52:51 Connie goes in the room, she picks out a movie.

00:52:53 She comes back.

00:52:55 The movie she picked out was called The Conjuring.

00:52:58 For those people here tonight who do not know what The Conjuring is,

00:53:01 The Conjuring is a scary-ass movie that came out a long time ago.

00:53:05 I said, 'Connie, I don't think it's a good idea for us to watch that

00:53:08 because of everything that's been going on around the house.'

00:53:10 My dad says, 'Stop being a bitch.' I said, 'No, Dad, I'm serious.'

00:53:13 A raccoon shot at me twice, grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark.

00:53:17 I don't have lights in my driveway.

00:53:19 He said, 'Stop being a bitch.

00:53:21 Connie want to watch the movie, we going to watch the movie.'

00:53:23 Fine. We watch The Conjuring.

00:53:26 After the movie's over, it did exactly what I thought it would do,

00:53:28 scared the shit out of me.

00:53:30 My dad, Connie, they want to go upstairs, they want to go to sleep.

00:53:33 Me and my dad pick Connie in the wheelchair up, carry her upstairs.

00:53:37 Connie and my dad get in the bed, they go to sleep.

00:53:39 Me and my lady get in the bed, my lady goes to sleep.

00:53:42 I'm up.

00:53:44 I can't go to sleep because I got The Conjuring on my mind.

00:53:48 I hear this in the hallway.

00:53:51 [thumping]

00:53:53 [laughter]

00:53:55 [thumping]

00:54:15 Every man in this room tonight has done this at least once.

00:54:19 [thumping]

00:54:29 Hey babe, you up? I just heard some shit in the hallway.

00:54:32 [laughter]

00:54:35 No, I'm asleep. Just go see what it is.

00:54:39 Well, put some shoes on so you can go see what it is with me

00:54:42 so we can both go see what it is.

00:54:44 Stop, Kevin, I'm asleep. Just go see what it is.

00:54:47 I hear it again.

00:54:52 [thumping]

00:54:59 You ever get so scared that you don't know where to put your hands at?

00:55:02 [laughter]

00:55:07 All right!

00:55:10 Don't make me come out there,

00:55:12 because if I get out there, I'm going to be there.

00:55:15 I don't even know what that means.

00:55:17 I was scared is the first thing that came to my mind.

00:55:19 She said, "Stop yelling in my ear. Just go see what it is."

00:55:22 Well, you up. It don't look like you sleep, so you should come with me.

00:55:25 Fine, fine. I'll go by myself.

00:55:28 I sleep naked, so I had to get up. I had to put a robe on.

00:55:31 I grab my robe.

00:55:33 I start scared walking towards the hallway.

00:55:37 Scared walking is when you walk in,

00:55:40 but you're leaning backwards just in case.

00:55:44 Just in case some shit go down, you can get the fuck up out of there real quick.

00:55:47 It's quick.

00:55:49 I'm scared walking.

00:55:51 Scared walking.

00:55:54 I get to the hallway.

00:55:56 As soon as I get to the hallway, I cut the lights on.

00:55:58 [yells]

00:56:00 I don't know what it is.

00:56:02 People act like lights can stop a murder.

00:56:04 Like a murderer would see lights and be like,

00:56:07 "Man, I was about to stab you in the neck,

00:56:09 but you got these fucking lights on. I ain't going to do it now."

00:56:11 Don't know how to give a shit about lights.

00:56:13 I start scared walking down this way.

00:56:15 Scared walking. I'm scared walking.

00:56:19 Scared walking.

00:56:21 Out of nowhere, my daughter jumps from behind the wall.

00:56:26 [yells]

00:56:30 Listen to me.

00:56:32 Scared the living shit out of me.

00:56:36 All I could tell y'all is that she learned from her past mistakes.

00:56:40 She had a canteen on this hip.

00:56:45 She had a fanny pack on this hip with snacks and shit.

00:56:48 I don't know how long she was there,

00:56:50 but it had to be for a long time.

00:56:53 I was so scared, I turned around,

00:56:55 I jumped down my flight of steps.

00:56:57 I got 15 steps in my house.

00:56:59 I just jumped.

00:57:01 When I jumped, the air got the best of my robe.

00:57:04 It blew my robe up.

00:57:06 My dick, my ass, everything is out.

00:57:09 Somehow my car keys fall out of my hand.

00:57:12 Don't know how, I don't really care.

00:57:14 I land, I run out the front door,

00:57:17 get in my car, start the car up, I start laughing.

00:57:20 I start dying laughing.

00:57:22 The reason why I was laughing

00:57:24 is because I realized that I don't give a fuck about my family.

00:57:27 I was like, "I don't care."

00:57:29 I was like, "I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!"

00:57:33 I didn't go wake my son up.

00:57:35 I didn't go check on my lady.

00:57:37 To be 100% honest with y'all,

00:57:39 I don't even know if that was my daughter or not.

00:57:41 In my mind, that was the little bitch from The Conjuring

00:57:44 that was clapping in everybody's goddamn ear.

00:57:47 I turn around and back out the driveway.

00:57:51 My dad is sitting in the back seat of the car.

00:57:55 [laughter]

00:57:57 I said, "What the fuck is going on here?"

00:58:01 My dad goes...

00:58:03 [thunder rumbling]

00:58:05 "Did you hear that shit?"

00:58:07 I said, "What?

00:58:10 "Did you hear that shit?

00:58:13 "We got to get the fuck out of here."

00:58:16 I said, "What about Connie?"

00:58:18 He said, "What about her?

00:58:20 "I can't carry that goddamn kid downstairs by myself.

00:58:23 "I locked the back brakes.

00:58:25 "The back brakes are jammed.

00:58:27 "I can't get the back brakes unjammed.

00:58:29 "We got to get the fuck out of here right now."

00:58:32 I said, "Well, you was that scared,

00:58:35 then why didn't you leave already?"

00:58:37 He said, "Because a raccoon kept coming to the car,

00:58:39 "going bang, bang,

00:58:41 "then he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark.

00:58:43 "We got to get the fuck out of here right now."

00:58:46 He pulled out his iPhone. He said, "Cyrus!

00:58:48 "Wake your ass up.

00:58:50 "Get my ass up out of here right now.

00:58:52 "And we got time for you to fucking be asleep, Cyrus.

00:58:55 "It's Siri, you dumb bitch. Siri."

00:58:58 [laughter]

00:59:02 The toughest part about that night

00:59:04 was the next morning when I got back home.

00:59:07 Oh, oh, no, we left. I'm sorry.

00:59:11 I forgot. Yeah, we left.

00:59:13 Me and my dad made an executive decision to save ourselves.

00:59:17 We got the fuck up out of there.

00:59:19 The reason why the next morning was so tough--

00:59:22 'cause as soon as I walked in the house,

00:59:24 my lady was in the kitchen.

00:59:26 She was like, "Where'd you go last night?"

00:59:28 And I told her. I was like, "I left."

00:59:30 I was like, "I left. I saved myself.

00:59:32 "The only reason why I came back

00:59:34 "is because I didn't see anything on the news,

00:59:36 so I knew you were still alive."

00:59:38 I told the truth. I did.

00:59:41 The reason why I told the truth is because I told myself

00:59:44 that I'm not gonna lie anymore.

00:59:46 The only way I'll lie is if the truth doesn't sound believable.

00:59:50 Ladies, please, please try to understand that.

00:59:54 That doesn't mean I was out cheating or fucking.

00:59:56 It means that whatever I was doing just doesn't sound right.

00:59:59 It doesn't sound right when I say it out loud.

01:00:01 That's it. That's all it means.

01:00:03 Everybody that follows me knows

01:00:05 that all my comedy comes from a real place.

01:00:07 First and foremost, understand that I'm older now.

01:00:09 I'm 36.

01:00:11 My friends are older than me-- 42, 46, 47, 48.

01:00:15 We go out, we do older guys shit.

01:00:18 Me and my friends go to a lounge. This is a true story.

01:00:21 When we get to the lounge, for some reason,

01:00:23 we're watching ping-pong on TV.

01:00:27 We are locked in to this ping-pong match.

01:00:30 Out of nowhere, my friend Joey goes,

01:00:32 "You better be lucky we don't have a ping-pong table.

01:00:34 If we did, I would bust all y'all ass."

01:00:36 I said, "Bet money, bitch."

01:00:38 That's me and my friend's biggest problem.

01:00:40 We're competitive.

01:00:41 The word "bet" sets off that competitive nature.

01:00:43 I said, "Bet money, bitch."

01:00:45 Harry said, "Bet." Wayne, "Bet."

01:00:47 Spank, "Bet." Joey, "Bet."

01:00:49 Bitch, "Bet." Bet. Bet.

01:00:51 Motherfucker, "Bet." Bet.

01:00:52 Nigga, "Bet." Bet.

01:00:53 Bet it, bitch! Bet. Bet.

01:00:56 Fuck you, bet. Bet."

01:00:59 We get in the car. We drive to Walmart.

01:01:03 We drive to Walmart. We buy a ping-pong table.

01:01:06 We go back to Joey's house.

01:01:08 We set the ping-pong table up in the kitchen.

01:01:10 We get to playing ping-pong.

01:01:12 Our game looks nothing like the game

01:01:15 that we were watching on TV.

01:01:18 So we decide to add alcohol into the mix.

01:01:20 Hit the ball into the net.

01:01:22 Got to take a shot.

01:01:23 You get slammed on, got to take two shots.

01:01:26 You get slammed on and you miss the ball completely,

01:01:28 got to take three shots.

01:01:30 Somewhere along the line, the game got so competitive

01:01:32 that Joey decided to cut his jeans into jeans shorts

01:01:36 'cause he said he wasn't getting enough lateral movement

01:01:39 in the house.

01:01:40 Here's the fucked-up part about that.

01:01:42 It was Joey's house.

01:01:44 All Joey had to do is go upstairs

01:01:47 and change into a pair of goddamn jeans shorts.

01:01:51 Here's the second fucked-up part about that.

01:01:53 Joey went upstairs to get the scissors

01:01:56 to come back downstairs

01:01:58 and cut his jeans into jeans shorts.

01:02:01 Somewhere along the lines, I get slammed on.

01:02:03 I go to return the ball.

01:02:05 I miss the ball, run into the wall, fall down, blackout.

01:02:08 I wake up. It's 10 a.m.

01:02:10 Holy shit.

01:02:12 It's 10 a.m.

01:02:14 I wake up. I look at my phone.

01:02:16 I got 37 missed calls, 47 text messages.

01:02:20 Fellas, let me tell you something.

01:02:22 The worst thing that you can do in life

01:02:24 is not respond to your lady's text message.

01:02:26 Do you hear me?

01:02:27 That's the worst thing that you can do.

01:02:29 The reason why I say that is because your woman

01:02:31 will then proceed to having a conversation with herself

01:02:34 through the messages that she's sending you.

01:02:37 [laughter]

01:02:39 Listen to me.

01:02:40 This is what that conversation looks like.

01:02:43 [phone chimes]

01:02:46 So this is what we doing now?

01:02:49 [laughter]

01:02:51 [phone chimes]

01:02:52 Wow.

01:02:54 I guess this is what we doing now.

01:02:57 [laughter]

01:02:59 [phone chimes]

01:03:00 You know what?

01:03:01 I hope that bitch is worth it.

01:03:04 [laughter]

01:03:07 Wow.

01:03:09 So you telling me that bitch is worth it?

01:03:13 [laughter]

01:03:15 You know what?

01:03:16 Don't even come home tonight.

01:03:20 Wow.

01:03:23 So you really not gonna come home tonight?

01:03:27 She's drawing conclusions and answering the conclusions

01:03:31 that she drew by herself.

01:03:34 It's a sickness, ladies.

01:03:36 It's a disease.

01:03:38 [laughter]

01:03:40 First thing I do, I haul ass in Joey room.

01:03:43 Joey, wake your ass up.

01:03:45 What the hell you let me sleep over here till 10 a.m. for?

01:03:48 You know damn well I gotta be home.

01:03:50 He said, "Let me stop you right there, Kev.

01:03:52 First of all, I don't know where you have to be, okay?

01:03:55 What I do know is that I'm where I'm supposed to be.

01:03:57 I know that. I know that much."

01:03:59 He said, "It sounds to me like you need to make better life decisions."

01:04:02 I said, "Joey, don't start that shit.

01:04:04 Don't start that. This is serious.

01:04:07 It's 10 a.m.

01:04:08 I can't just walk in the house with nothing wrong with me at 10 a.m.

01:04:12 I'm not drunk. I'm not injured.

01:04:14 I can't stroll in the house perfectly fine

01:04:17 and be like morning and just go to bed

01:04:19 like everything's all right at fucking 10 a.m."

01:04:22 He said, "Why not? That's your house."

01:04:24 I don't give a fuck whose house it is, Joey.

01:04:27 It's the principal.

01:04:29 I said, "Reverse it. Let's reverse it.

01:04:31 Let's say your lady's staying out all night.

01:04:33 You've been calling and texting her all night.

01:04:35 She ain't responding to nothing.

01:04:37 She just walks in the house at 10 a.m.

01:04:39 In your mind, what was she doing?"

01:04:41 "Oh, that means she was out there sucking dick.

01:04:43 That's what that means she was doing."

01:04:45 I said, "That's my point.

01:04:47 That's what she gonna think I was doing."

01:04:49 "Your lady gonna think you was sucking dick?

01:04:54 That's what you telling me?

01:04:56 Well, you ain't sucking no dick over here, I tell you that.

01:04:59 This ain't the dick-sucking house,

01:05:01 so I don't know where you dig that at."

01:05:03 "Joey, shut your dumb ass up. Shut up.

01:05:06 Bottom line, I'm not going to my house like this."

01:05:08 I said, "Joey, I got a plan.

01:05:10 This is what I'm gonna do.

01:05:12 Get up, get dressed, put the same clothes you had on last night.

01:05:15 We gonna get in my car.

01:05:17 I'm gonna run my car into a wall, okay?

01:05:21 That way the airbags deploy.

01:05:23 When they deploy, I'm gonna take a selfie, I'm gonna post it.

01:05:26 I'm gonna be like, 'Fuck, another accident. Shit happens.'

01:05:29 #HospitalReady.

01:05:32 #ILoveMyLadyThough.

01:05:36 Um... #TheDevilIsALiar.

01:05:41 #JesusTookTheWheelAgain.

01:05:44 The point that I'm making is that I was willing to go through

01:05:47 those drastic measures just to avoid telling the truth.

01:05:50 The truth is, I was playing ping-pong.

01:05:53 But if I walk in the house at 10am,

01:05:56 as soon as I walk in the house, my lady in the kitchen,

01:05:58 she's like, "Where the fuck was you at last night?"

01:06:00 And I go, "I was playing ping-pong."

01:06:03 And then her black girlfriend pop out, and she like,

01:06:06 "Ping-pong!

01:06:09 "Really?

01:06:11 "I'm in trouble.

01:06:14 "I know my lady, people."

01:06:16 I'm gonna tell you the worst thing about my woman.

01:06:18 The worst thing about her is her sense of humour.

01:06:20 After I proposed, I had to go to Atlanta for two months.

01:06:23 I'm in Atlanta, I'm filming a movie.

01:06:25 I get to my hotel, I unpack my bag.

01:06:28 I find a pocket pussy in my bag.

01:06:32 For those people here tonight who do not know

01:06:34 what a pocket pussy is, a pocket pussy...

01:06:38 A pocket pussy is a pussy you put in your pocket.

01:06:41 I don't know, people. It's self-explanatory.

01:06:44 I think the definition is in the title.

01:06:46 All I know is I didn't put it in my bag.

01:06:48 I call her.

01:06:50 "Hey! You put this pocket pussy in my bag!"

01:06:54 Yes. Yes, I did.

01:06:57 For what? Because you can be gone for two months.

01:07:00 If you get the urge to do something,

01:07:02 I suggest you do it to that pocket pussy.

01:07:05 "Girl, get off my phone. Bye. Bye."

01:07:08 I hang up the phone.

01:07:10 Unpack my bag. I put the pocket pussy on the table.

01:07:13 I walked by that pocket pussy for three days, people.

01:07:17 Each day became more difficult than the day before.

01:07:21 Day one, day one, I was cool.

01:07:24 "Ha! She bought a pocket pussy, put a pocket pussy in my bag.

01:07:27 "She crazy, bought a pocket pussy. Ah!"

01:07:31 Day two, let me read the package.

01:07:34 What does it say? Like, what is it?

01:07:37 Day three, I'm going to open it because I want to smell it.

01:07:41 Is it real? Like, what is it?

01:07:44 Day four was the saddest day of my life.

01:07:46 Day four was the day that I decided to fuck the pocket pussy.

01:07:49 Let me tell you when it got bad.

01:07:51 It didn't get bad until I caught a reflection

01:07:54 of what I was doing in the mirror.

01:07:57 I was going to work on this pocket pussy, people, I swear to God.

01:08:01 I was butt-ass naked, sweating, talking shit.

01:08:04 "Oh, you think I'm just going to walk by you every day?

01:08:07 "That's what you think? You asked for this.

01:08:10 "You wanted this just as much as I did."

01:08:13 I was so disappointed in myself.

01:08:16 Let me tell you, here's where I was mad.

01:08:18 I was mad at the fact that they make contraptions for men.

01:08:22 Like, fellas, if we want to use something to please ourselves sexually,

01:08:26 we look like creeps, perverts.

01:08:29 Women, you got it made.

01:08:31 You got cute shit. You got the bullet.

01:08:34 The bullet is this big, you can fit it in your coin purse.

01:08:37 Use it at your desk at work.

01:08:39 [imitates gun firing]

01:08:41 [laughter]

01:08:43 [imitates gun firing]

01:08:45 [imitates gun firing]

01:08:47 [imitates gun firing]

01:08:49 [imitates gun firing]

01:08:52 [imitates gun firing]

01:08:55 [imitates gun firing]

01:08:57 "You all right, Carol?" "I am now."

01:08:59 "What the fuck happened to you?"

01:09:01 [laughter]

01:09:03 It's not the same for men.

01:09:05 I've been to the sex store.

01:09:07 The shit that I saw, it disgusted me.

01:09:10 The pocket mouth, the pocket ass, the pocket titties.

01:09:14 I was disgusted.

01:09:16 [imitates disgusted farting]

01:09:19 I bought all of it. I did.

01:09:24 No, I know, I know.

01:09:26 That's one of the longest walks I've ever taken back to my car in my life.

01:09:30 Wouldn't they give you that pitch black pervert plastic bag?

01:09:33 [laughter]

01:09:36 "Hey, you been trying to look normal?"

01:09:39 [laughter]

01:09:41 [grunts]

01:09:43 "You look like a fucking creep. Everything about you says creep.

01:09:47 "You been--you been trying to speak."

01:09:49 "How y'all doing, everybody all right?

01:09:51 "Get your freak ass out of here, man.

01:09:53 "I see that black plastic bag full of dicks.

01:09:56 "Get your dick-in-a-bag ass out of here, man."

01:09:59 "Right, all right, got you."

01:10:01 [laughter]

01:10:03 I was excited when I got back to my hotel.

01:10:05 I laid it right on the bed.

01:10:07 I was like, "All right.

01:10:10 "Who gonna get this dick first?"

01:10:13 [laughter]

01:10:15 I was excited.

01:10:17 I was excited 'cause I created the perfect woman.

01:10:19 I had the black ass, the white titties, the Latina mouth.

01:10:22 Whoo! Oh, man.

01:10:24 It looked like somebody raped Mrs. Potato Head

01:10:27 and left it all over the place.

01:10:29 [laughter]

01:10:32 I couldn't do it. I can't do this shit.

01:10:34 I can't use this.

01:10:36 There's only one thing that I've ever used for sexual enhancement.

01:10:39 One thing. One thing.

01:10:41 I don't give a shit. I'll tell the truth.

01:10:43 I'll be honest, sweetie. I was having a bad week.

01:10:45 It was a bad sex week for me.

01:10:48 I was coming fast all week.

01:10:50 It was a preemie week.

01:10:52 That's what I called it.

01:10:54 It didn't get bad until my lady gave me that frustration deep breath.

01:10:58 [grunts]

01:11:01 Your lady ever give you that? She roll over on you?

01:11:03 [grunts]

01:11:05 [laughter]

01:11:08 [laughter]

01:11:11 You want me to rub your back?

01:11:13 You all right? You want me to do anything?

01:11:15 [laughter]

01:11:17 I'm not drinking enough water. That's the problem.

01:11:19 I'm not drinking enough water.

01:11:21 I'm dehydrated. I really think that's the problem.

01:11:24 I've only used one thing for sexual enhancement.

01:11:28 One thing.

01:11:30 Good thing about me and my friends, we fucking--

01:11:33 we talk. We confide in one another.

01:11:36 I called Nate. I said, "Nate, I don't know what's going on with my body, man.

01:11:40 I've been coming fast all week, dude. Is this a medical issue?"

01:11:43 Like, really? Do I need to go to the doctor?

01:11:45 Is my blood level low? Do I need a pill?

01:11:47 He said, "Shut your ass up. You're a man."

01:11:50 Happens to the best of us.

01:11:52 He said, "If you want to fix this right away, I got this numbing cream.

01:11:54 You put the numbing cream on your shit before you do it,

01:11:57 it'll numb you up. You'll last forever."

01:11:59 I said, "Nate, I need that tonight."

01:12:01 True story. I go to Nate's house.

01:12:03 He give me the cream.

01:12:05 I put it on at his house.

01:12:07 I call my lady. I start talking shit.

01:12:09 "Hey, you've been running your mouth all week.

01:12:11 As soon as I get home,

01:12:13 Operation Put a Hole in Your Back is in session.

01:12:17 As soon as I get home."

01:12:19 Whatever, whatever. Ain't no whatever.

01:12:21 "Hole in your back as soon as I get home."

01:12:24 I get home. We go at it.

01:12:26 She stop me. She start giving me head.

01:12:29 I stop her. We start doing it again.

01:12:31 I'm talking shit.

01:12:33 (audience laughs)

01:12:34 Uh-huh, you did this.

01:12:38 You did this to yourself.

01:12:40 Look at you sittin' there lookin' all stupid.

01:12:44 With that dumbass goddamn look on your face.

01:12:46 Can't say shit now.

01:12:48 Say something.

01:12:51 Say something.

01:12:52 Say something.

01:12:54 Say something.

01:12:57 Say something.

01:12:59 Say something.

01:13:03 She said,

01:13:04 I can't feel my mouth.

01:13:08 I said, what?

01:13:09 (audience laughs)

01:13:11 My mouth feel numb.

01:13:13 I can't feel my mouth.

01:13:15 I look down, slobberin' shit

01:13:16 comin' out the side of her mouth.

01:13:18 It dawned on me she done sucked all her numbing cream off.

01:13:22 But as a man, you can't tell on yourself

01:13:25 you gotta take this to the grave.

01:13:26 So I just made some shit up.

01:13:28 I said, you must be allergic to these pillowcases.

01:13:30 These are new pillowcases.

01:13:32 She said, oh no.

01:13:34 She said, oh no, you gotta throw 'em in the trash.

01:13:38 I said, yeah, we gotta get rid of these.

01:13:41 This one almost made me shit on myself.

01:13:44 She said, she said,

01:13:46 I don't feel pretty.

01:13:56 You don't look it right now.

01:13:59 This is fucked up.

01:14:00 This ain't bad for everybody.

01:14:01 You over here with that permanent goin' down

01:14:04 on the rollercoaster phase.

01:14:05 This is fucked up.

01:14:06 Oh no, oh no.

01:14:10 I let like a week go by and then I told her.

01:14:17 I told her what happened.

01:14:19 I didn't give a shit.

01:14:20 I told you guys I'm 36.

01:14:22 36 is the perfect age to stop givin' a shit.

01:14:25 The shit that I used to care about,

01:14:27 I don't care about anymore.

01:14:28 Like when I wear white underwear,

01:14:30 now I don't care about wearin' 'em.

01:14:31 Back then, if I had like shit stains in my drawers,

01:14:35 I would try to get in my drawers before she saw 'em,

01:14:37 get 'em out the house, get in my car, drive,

01:14:40 cut 'em up, throw 'em out at different exits.

01:14:42 She ain't never gonna find these.

01:14:45 PSI couldn't find these.

01:14:48 Why do women love to argue about obvious shit?

01:14:54 Like she found a pair of my drawers

01:14:56 with shit stains in 'em one time.

01:14:57 She confronted me.

01:14:59 Uh, excuse me, what is this?

01:15:01 Bitch, it's shit.

01:15:04 What you think it is?

01:15:05 It's shit.

01:15:06 It's perfectly placed in the crack of my ass.

01:15:09 What else would it be?

01:15:10 What, you think I got a Sharpie and I'm fuckin' with you?

01:15:13 You think I got a brown Sharpie?

01:15:15 And I'm like, she gonna think this is shit?

01:15:17 Smell it.

01:15:18 It smell like shit.

01:15:19 I got mad 'cause I knew where I hit 'em.

01:15:23 So I tried to flip it.

01:15:24 I was like, what the fuck you doin' behind the dresser?

01:15:28 I hid those behind the dresser.

01:15:30 Shit that I used to care about, I don't care.

01:15:34 I don't care about not giving a shit

01:15:37 as long as I don't go crazy.

01:15:39 I don't wanna become crazy.

01:15:41 I respect crazy people too much.

01:15:42 The reason why?

01:15:44 I've had too many situations with real life crazy people.

01:15:47 I'ma tell you, the craziest situation I've ever been in,

01:15:51 one night I'm drunk, I'm hungry,

01:15:53 everything's closed, so I stop at a gas station.

01:15:56 I go to the gas station, it's crowded.

01:15:57 It's like 13 people in line.

01:15:59 I want my chips and snacks that bad

01:16:02 that I'm willing to wait in line.

01:16:04 I decide to open up my chips.

01:16:05 I start eatin' 'em while I'm in line.

01:16:07 Out of nowhere, the guy in front of me snaps.

01:16:10 Sick of this shit!

01:16:11 Bet you on the register all fuckin' slow.

01:16:15 I bet you speed it up when I start shootin'

01:16:17 these motherfuckers in the head.

01:16:19 (audience laughing)

01:16:22 When I turn back around, we locked eyes.

01:16:28 We lookin' at each other.

01:16:30 I panicked.

01:16:31 I was like, you took the words right out of my goddamn mouth.

01:16:34 I was about to say the same shit.

01:16:37 He said, yeah, 'cause me and you brothers, that's why.

01:16:39 Don't worry, I got this one.

01:16:40 You get the next one.

01:16:41 You can leave.

01:16:42 I said, thank you.

01:16:43 I left real fast.

01:16:44 I didn't say shit.

01:16:45 I just walked out.

01:16:48 Let me tell you somethin'.

01:16:49 One of the most uncomfortable moments in my life

01:16:52 was the day that I had to walk by 13 people

01:16:54 that had just been told they was about to die

01:16:56 when I got chosen to live.

01:16:58 The reason why I was bad,

01:16:59 'cause they kept starin' at me on my way out.

01:17:01 I was like, what?

01:17:02 He chose me.

01:17:04 What do you want from me?

01:17:06 This one lady was like, call the cops.

01:17:08 I was like, I can't.

01:17:09 My phone's dead, just like you.

01:17:13 And I walked out.

01:17:13 I was like this.

01:17:16 I was just happy to be alive.

01:17:18 I got stories like that for days.

01:17:21 I can give you guys, by far,

01:17:25 this is probably my most uncomfortable moment in life,

01:17:29 by far.

01:17:30 I'm at the airport.

01:17:33 I just landed.

01:17:34 I'm on my way to baggage claim.

01:17:36 While I'm walkin' to baggage claim,

01:17:38 outta nowhere, my stomach tells my ass

01:17:40 that I gotta shit right now.

01:17:42 I've never felt anything like this in my life.

01:17:44 I had to shut my body down.

01:17:46 Don't nobody know what's goin' on,

01:17:47 except me and my ass.

01:17:48 Had to lock my ass up.

01:17:50 That's when you just get tight ass.

01:17:52 I'm havin' a conversation with my ass.

01:17:54 Come on, man.

01:17:56 You really gonna do this shit right now?

01:17:59 My ass was like, yup, right now.

01:18:00 You can't wait 20 minutes 'til I get back to the house?

01:18:04 Nope, you got 20 seconds.

01:18:05 Clock starts now.

01:18:07 19, 18, 17, 16, 15.

01:18:12 I said, you got to be shittin' me.

01:18:14 He said, I'm not, but I will.

01:18:15 Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

01:18:18 I don't wanna go to the bathroom at the airport,

01:18:20 but I don't have a choice.

01:18:22 Reason why I don't wanna go to the bathroom at the airport

01:18:24 is because I don't want people takin' pictures of me

01:18:26 goin' in the bathroom or comin' out,

01:18:28 postin' it, #KevinHartStinkyButt.

01:18:31 People play too much.

01:18:32 Social media shit has gotten outta hand.

01:18:35 But I can't hold it, I have to go.

01:18:37 I make the decision to use the bathroom at the airport.

01:18:41 I'm in the bathroom stall, right?

01:18:45 Once again, people, you cannot make shit like this up.

01:18:48 This is what it looks like, people.

01:18:53 No, for real, this is a life-size photo.

01:18:55 This is really what it looks like.

01:18:56 This is how small I am on an actual toilet.

01:18:58 I'm in the bathroom.

01:19:03 It's 6.30 in the morning.

01:19:04 I'm by myself.

01:19:07 By myself.

01:19:09 It's quiet.

01:19:09 It's just like this, quiet.

01:19:13 This is what I hear outta nowhere.

01:19:16 Yo, Kev Hart, how long you gonna be, man?

01:19:21 I wanna get a picture with you when you come out.

01:19:24 Immediately, I put my feet up.

01:19:25 I did this right here.

01:19:26 I said, "If you can't see my feet, he'll go away."

01:19:30 He said, "Come on, man, I saw your feet already.

01:19:32 "I know you in there.

01:19:33 "Just give me a time frame.

01:19:34 "How long you gonna be?"

01:19:35 (audience laughing)

01:19:38 Give me like 15, 20 minutes, man.

01:19:54 Come on, man, that's too long.

01:19:57 My flight leaving in like 10 minutes.

01:19:58 Just pinch it.

01:19:59 Pinch it off of me.

01:20:00 What the fuck?

01:20:00 What?

01:20:01 No, man.

01:20:02 Ain't nobody pinching nothing, man.

01:20:03 Just get outta here.

01:20:04 Kev, don't do me like that.

01:20:06 I'm your biggest fan, man.

01:20:07 I support everything you do.

01:20:08 What would you do if you was me?

01:20:10 I wouldn't have any shit by myself, man.

01:20:12 Just get outta here.

01:20:13 He said, "Kev, come on, you know what?

01:20:15 "This is what I'm gonna do.

01:20:16 "I'm gonna get my picture real quick.

01:20:17 "I'm just gonna put my phone over the stall.

01:20:19 "I'm gonna snap a picture real quick."

01:20:21 The fear that went through my body

01:20:23 of looking up and seeing the camera flash.

01:20:28 Oh my God, I was scared

01:20:30 because I didn't put toilet paper on the toilet seat.

01:20:32 I didn't have time.

01:20:34 I didn't want that picture to get out

01:20:35 'cause I didn't want my fan base to know

01:20:37 that I be raw-butting these toilet seats sometimes.

01:20:39 I said, "Y'all gonna lose respect for me

01:20:44 "if y'all find out that I be raw-butting these toilet seats."

01:20:47 Listen, the reason why I had to go to the bathroom

01:20:52 was because I drank coffee.

01:20:53 I don't drink coffee.

01:20:55 My lady drinks coffee.

01:20:57 She had a vanilla latte.

01:20:58 I tasted it.

01:20:59 I said, "Goddamn, babe, that's good.

01:21:00 "What is that?"

01:21:01 She said, "A vanilla latte."

01:21:02 I said, "Yo, I'm going to get me one.

01:21:03 "Where'd you get it from?"

01:21:04 She said, "Starbucks."

01:21:05 I said, "I'm going."

01:21:06 She said, "Babe, I should go with you

01:21:07 "'cause you never been."

01:21:08 "Girl, shut up.

01:21:09 "I'm grown.

01:21:10 "I'm gonna go by myself."

01:21:11 "No, babe, I'm serious.

01:21:12 "You don't know how it works there.

01:21:13 "Let me go with you."

01:21:14 "Girl, shut up.

01:21:15 "I'm fine."

01:21:16 I get in the car.

01:21:17 I drive to Starbucks.

01:21:18 She keep calling me while I'm on the way to Starbucks.

01:21:22 You get there yet?

01:21:23 You okay?

01:21:24 You need my help?

01:21:25 Now I'm getting nervous.

01:21:26 Like, what the fuck is this place?

01:21:27 I'm really getting nervous.

01:21:29 I get to Starbucks.

01:21:30 I've never seen anything like it.

01:21:32 I open the door, it's mayhem.

01:21:35 All I hear is noise.

01:21:37 Give me the frat-wap, frat-wap, bat-dap,

01:21:39 frat-wap, bat-wap, frat-lap, frat-wap, bat-wap.

01:21:42 I've never seen anything like it.

01:21:44 I'm scared.

01:21:44 I'm in line.

01:21:45 I don't even know how I got in line, but I'm there.

01:21:47 I'm like in the middle.

01:21:49 I'm trying to fit in, but I know I don't.

01:21:51 I'm sweating.

01:21:52 I'm next.

01:21:54 Here's what I don't like.

01:21:55 I don't like the pressure that the barista put on me

01:21:58 for not knowing the lingo.

01:21:59 It's my first time ever going to Starbucks, people.

01:22:02 My first time.

01:22:03 I'm like, good morning.

01:22:04 It's crowded, right?

01:22:08 Shit.

01:22:09 What do I want?

01:22:12 Let me get a vanilla latex.

01:22:19 I'm sorry, sir, what'd you say?

01:22:23 Let me get a vanilla latex, latex.

01:22:31 Let me get that.

01:22:32 You mean latte?

01:22:34 Yes, that's what I mean.

01:22:35 Let me get a small vanilla latte.

01:22:38 Okay, sir, that's one tall vanilla latte.

01:22:41 No, it's not what I want.

01:22:42 I don't want a tall.

01:22:43 I want a small.

01:22:45 Sir, tall is a small.

01:22:47 No, it's not.

01:22:48 If that's the case, I'll be tall.

01:22:50 Tall is tall.

01:22:51 Small is small.

01:22:53 You know what?

01:22:53 I don't want to cause a rut.

01:22:54 Whatever your version of a small is, let me get that.

01:22:57 How would you like it, sir?

01:22:58 Would you like that iced or hot?

01:23:00 What the fuck is going on, man?

01:23:01 What you talking about?

01:23:03 Like when I get nervous, I just repeat shit.

01:23:06 Would I like it iced or hot?

01:23:08 Would I like it iced or hot?

01:23:12 Fuck.

01:23:14 Shit.

01:23:18 How would you get it?

01:23:19 The lady behind me was like, "Mm,

01:23:22 "she only had one shoulder."

01:23:23 I stopped talking to her immediately.

01:23:25 I said, "Let me get it iced."

01:23:28 She said, "What'd you say?"

01:23:29 I said, "Hot.

01:23:30 "Hot ice, icy hot.

01:23:31 "Put it together, like that.

01:23:32 "That's how I want it.

01:23:33 "That's how I drink it."

01:23:33 Sir, would you like it whipped or blended?

01:23:37 Would I like it whipped or blended?

01:23:44 Shit.

01:23:47 Fuck.

01:23:50 Would I like it whipped or blended?

01:23:52 You know what?

01:23:55 Whip it.

01:23:56 Whip it, whip it real good.

01:23:58 Just do that.

01:23:59 Sir, for two more dollars, you wanna make it a skinny?

01:24:03 Well, you know I ain't trying to leave with the fat bitch.

01:24:10 Do what you got to do, man.

01:24:12 Sir, what kind of milk would you like?

01:24:16 Would you like whole milk, skim milk, 2% soy?

01:24:19 I didn't even know it was that many milks, man.

01:24:22 Fuck, shit.

01:24:24 Would y'all cut the heat on?

01:24:25 Goddamn, my fucking ass is sweating.

01:24:28 Can you back up?

01:24:29 Goddamn, back up.

01:24:31 You don't see I'm trying to take this test?

01:24:34 Shit.

01:24:35 How many, you say it's four milks?

01:24:39 Fuck.

01:24:40 Put 'em all in there.

01:24:41 Give me every milk you got.

01:24:41 I want every goddamn milk you got.

01:24:44 Put it in there.

01:24:45 Sir, would you like the cuddle with caramel,

01:24:47 put cinnamon at the top?

01:24:48 You know what?

01:24:54 I just wanna cancel it.

01:24:55 I don't even know what I have at this point.

01:24:58 Am I getting a latte or am I baking a fucking cake?

01:25:00 Just let me, let me get a banana.

01:25:02 Can I get that banana?

01:25:04 Just put some water in my hands

01:25:05 so I can put it on my face real quick.

01:25:07 You want that water to be hot or cold?

01:25:08 What the fuck is your problem, man?

01:25:10 Goddamn, will you back up?

01:25:12 Back up.

01:25:14 Shit.

01:25:15 Relax, bend your knees.

01:25:17 I can't bend my knees

01:25:19 'cause I got attacked by an orangutan.

01:25:20 The black girl popped out, "Orangutan, really?"

01:25:26 (audience laughing)

01:25:28 I'm gonna be honest with y'all.

01:25:30 I don't like people that drink Starbucks coffee.

01:25:32 I really don't.

01:25:33 Matter of fact, if you're a real Starbucks drinker,

01:25:36 you're here tonight, make some noise.

01:25:37 If you're a real Starbucks drinker.

01:25:38 Okay, all of y'all can suck my balls.

01:25:42 I wanted y'all to know who I was talking to.

01:25:45 Here's my question.

01:25:48 Who the fuck do you think you are?

01:25:51 Like, do you hear what you order?

01:25:55 Do you hear what you ask for people to bring you back?

01:25:58 Have you ever made an innocent Starbucks run for somebody?

01:26:01 You don't even drink it, you just being nice.

01:26:03 Hey man, I'm gonna go to Starbucks real quick.

01:26:05 I'm gonna get a bottle of water.

01:26:06 Somebody wants something?

01:26:07 It's always one guy.

01:26:08 You can tell he drank way too much coffee

01:26:10 'cause he got too much energy.

01:26:11 Oh!

01:26:12 (audience laughing)

01:26:14 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

01:26:17 You going to Starbucks?

01:26:18 You going to Starbucks?

01:26:19 You going to Buc-ee's?

01:26:20 Do me a favor, man.

01:26:21 Let me get a caramel macchiato.

01:26:25 Caramel macchiato, light ice, not heavy.

01:26:28 If it's heavy, I'm not going to drink it.

01:26:30 Do me a favor, tell him put a little bit of soy in it.

01:26:33 Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go,

01:26:36 oh boy, okay.

01:26:38 Three whips.

01:26:39 Take that third whip to the top of the lip

01:26:40 so I can take a sip, you got it?

01:26:42 You ain't got it.

01:26:44 I'm gonna say it one more time.

01:26:45 Caramel macchiato, caramel macchiato, light ice, not heavy.

01:26:50 If it's heavy, I'm not going to drink it.

01:26:52 Do me a favor.

01:26:53 Tell him put a little bit of soy in it.

01:26:55 Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go,

01:26:58 oh boy, okay.

01:26:59 Three whips.

01:27:00 Take that third whip to the top of the lip

01:27:01 so I can take a sip, you got it?

01:27:03 Let me make sure I got it.

01:27:06 Let me say it back to you.

01:27:07 Black coffee, did I get it?

01:27:11 Is it black coffee?

01:27:13 Because if you think I'm going to go across the street

01:27:15 and say what you just said,

01:27:16 you can suck the back of my dick twice on a Tuesday.

01:27:19 Not a lot, just with a little bit of soy.

01:27:22 Enough for you to suck my dick and go, oh boy.

01:27:25 When you get to the top of my dick,

01:27:27 slow down so I can know you really suck that shit.

01:27:29 Philadelphia, my name is Kevin Hart.

01:27:31 Thank you.

01:27:32 Thank you.

01:27:34 God damn it, thank you.

01:27:37 I love y'all, thank you, man.

01:27:41 Thank you.

01:27:44 From the top of this goddamn stadium to the bottom,

01:27:48 thank you.

01:27:49 I love y'all, man.

01:27:51 (audience cheering)

01:27:54 I'll tell you what, Philadelphia,

01:27:58 this is a fucking moment, dude.

01:28:00 This is a moment.

01:28:02 You hear me?

01:28:03 It's a moment.

01:28:05 When you look around this room tonight,

01:28:09 what I love the most is that I see every race,

01:28:12 ethnicity, nationality possible.

01:28:15 You hear me?

01:28:17 I see some of everybody.

01:28:19 We all came under the same roof and we laugh tonight.

01:28:22 If you can laugh together, you can live together.

01:28:24 If you can live together, you can love together.

01:28:27 I live by those rules and I'd be damned

01:28:29 if I didn't see that shit happen tonight.

01:28:31 In my city, I made fucking history, god damn it.

01:28:35 I'm in the record books, you hear me?

01:28:37 I am in the record books.

01:28:42 My name is Kevin Hart and this has been

01:28:45 the best night of my fucking life, you hear me?

01:28:48 Thank you all.

01:28:50 I appreciate you so god damn much.

01:28:52 Good night, peace.

01:28:54 (audience cheering)

01:28:57 (hip hop music)

01:28:59 - That's a show.

01:29:20 Did you see that?

01:29:21 53,000 people, did you feel that energy,

01:29:23 that love in the building?

01:29:24 - Yes, I saw it, Kevin, you were great.

01:29:25 - What's wrong, what's going on?

01:29:26 - You know that man you killed?

01:29:27 - Yeah.

01:29:28 - He wasn't the leader.

01:29:29 - What are you talking about?

01:29:29 - They're back. - They're here?

01:29:30 - We gotta go. - Get the fuck outta here.

01:29:31 (engines roaring)

01:29:34 (tires screeching)

01:29:35 - This is Agent 5-4, I need a helicopter ASAP.

01:29:37 - We need an ID challenge, passport please.

01:29:40 - National Geographic titties are my favorite thing to watch.

01:29:44 - Sorry, Agent 5-4, you're breaking up.

01:29:46 Please come again.

01:29:47 - Titties with no nipples on National Geographic

01:29:49 are my favorite thing to watch on TV.

01:29:50 - Titties with no nipples?

01:29:52 That's your password?

01:29:53 - ID confirmed, Agent 5-4, helicopter en route.

01:29:55 - Thank you.

01:29:56 - We are picking up two inbound bogeys

01:29:58 about a half mile east of your location.

01:29:59 - Shit, I feel my ass.

01:30:01 (engines roaring)

01:30:03 (guns cocking)

01:30:06 (helicopter whirring)

01:30:11 - Oh shit, get in.

01:30:23 (helicopter whirring)

01:30:26 (guns cocking)

01:30:32 - So what now?

01:30:36 - Now?

01:30:39 Well now we do the same thing on a global scale.

01:30:42 I think it's time to show the world

01:30:46 just how funny Kevin Hart is.

01:30:47 (dramatic music)

01:30:52 (explosion booms)

01:30:54 - Kevin!

01:30:55 (dramatic music)

01:31:03 (dramatic music)

01:31:06 (dramatic music)

01:31:09 (dramatic music)

01:31:12 (dramatic music)

01:31:14 (dramatic music)

01:31:17 (dramatic music)

01:31:20 (dramatic music)

01:31:33 (dramatic music)

01:31:37 (dramatic music)

01:31:43 (dramatic music)

01:31:46 (gentle music)

01:31:59 (gentle music)

01:32:02 (gun fires)

01:32:23 (gentle music)

01:32:26 (gentle music)

01:32:28 (dramatic music)

01:32:53 (dramatic music)

01:32:56 (gun fires)

01:33:20 (dramatic music)

01:33:22 (dramatic music)

01:33:25 (dramatic music)

01:33:38 (dramatic music)

01:33:49 (gentle music)

01:33:52 (gentle music)

01:33:55 (gentle music)

01:33:57 (gentle music)

01:34:00 (gentle music)

01:34:03 (gentle music)

01:34:05 (gentle music)

01:34:08 (gentle music)

01:34:11 (gentle music)

01:34:13 (gentle music)

01:34:16 (bell rings)

01:34:38 (gentle music)

01:34:42 (dramatic music)

01:34:45 (gentle music)

01:34:55 (dramatic music)

01:34:58 (dramatic music)

01:35:20 (dramatic music)

01:35:23 (upbeat music)

01:35:38 (upbeat music)

01:35:40 (upbeat music)

01:35:56 (gentle music)

01:36:06 (gentle music)

01:36:09 (dramatic music)

01:36:21 (dramatic music)

01:36:24 (dramatic music)

01:36:27 [BLANK_AUDIO]

Category

Transcript

Recommended