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00:00 Sabrina the Animated Series, Episode 33.
00:03 It starts out with us having to listen to Sabrina's annoying scream as she's falling through the Netherworld,
00:09 even though she could warp home at any point.
00:12 Salem asks if that was fun, and Hilda says she was so close while sadistically smiling.
00:18 And Zelda says the bullshit that if Sabrina spends enough time in the Netherworld Vortex that wouldn't exist without quitting,
00:25 she'll be able to upgrade in her witch level.
00:27 Witches wouldn't have levels.
00:30 I wonder if the TAS has a way to detect cheating in it, like would be realistic.
00:35 Like an anti-fear potion.
00:37 Salem tells a scary monster to take Sabrina instead.
00:42 They eventually meet an alien who's scared of them.
00:45 Salem tries to scare him, and Sabrina tells him to cut it off and greets him.
00:50 I hate that he says he's the boogeyman instead of simply an alien.
00:54 It's too kiddy.
00:55 Sabrina asks why he wants to scare people, and he says it's because he wants his dad to respect him.
01:02 He's scared of things he'd be impossible to be scared of.
01:05 What lazy writing.
01:07 He says sometimes he gets this feeling that his dad's watching him somehow.
01:12 And Sabrina says everyone gets that feeling about their parents,
01:15 which says something really bad about how bad her family is.
01:19 But Sabrina's family never spies on her, or else the whole show would be a lot different.
01:25 Somehow the alien loves the vortex.
01:29 Doesn't even explain why.
01:32 Sabrina realizes they could learn from each other to become braver.
01:36 I just can't get past how forced it is that he's here.
01:39 Somehow he runs through the wall.
01:41 And how did he get in Sabrina's locker?
01:43 How would he know which one it was?
01:45 He'd need a homing spell.
01:47 And he isn't the witch.
01:49 Sabrina shapeshifts him to be a human, which scares him.
01:54 For the same reason you'd be scared if you were turned into a monster.
01:57 Somehow he turns back to normal.
02:00 And he tells her to give him a stronger spell.
02:02 It's never been explained that her shapeshifting is inherently temporary.
02:06 If it was that temporary, she'd have failed to resolve the plot of the episode with the evil white cat.
02:11 It needs to be explained that this is only the case because she used it on this particular alien.
02:17 And he's just that magical.
02:18 But it's confusing because he doesn't use magic himself.
02:22 It's where the gem says Sabrina spelled herself another loser.
02:26 Even though she doesn't know she's a witch.
02:28 How would she know that she's the reason he's here?
02:33 It's so lame that the episode's gonna keep having Sabrina need to cast a spell again.
02:38 Because it's such blatant padding.
02:41 Sabrina tells him when he's alone with her that he has to take the time to get to know something he's scared of to become braver.
02:49 Which is bullshit.
02:51 He starts running and returning to normal, but wills himself to keep in his human form.
02:57 Good thing there's no security cameras in the school.
03:00 Then he runs into a bully.
03:02 Why is he standing in front of him instead of instantly running away?
03:07 The principal somehow here in a deus ex machina to pull the bully away to the science lab,
03:13 when she could've been anywhere else in the school.
03:16 The boogeyman goes into Sabrina's classroom, and I'm expected to believe the teacher won't wonder why this new student is here.
03:23 Instead she says a number, and it gives her the right answer.
03:27 Somehow Gem compliments his intelligence, when I expect a cliched story like this to make her hate him for being smart.
03:34 It feels like it's just happening to teach kids that being smart is good by lying to you.
03:40 Class gets dismissed early because there's nothing left to cover, so the students cheer.
03:45 Sabrina explains to him that he wasn't afraid because he knew a lot about math.
03:49 The bully gets stood up to by Sabrina a little.
03:51 It's easy for her, he's not allowed to hit her.
03:55 Why is the alien not running away?
03:57 Why is nobody reacting to the slime coming from him?
04:00 Granted I can give it some leeway, because who would ever look at someone's shoes?
04:05 Sabrina uses obvious magic to send the bully away.
04:09 And somehow he asks if he did that, and the kids are impressed instead of scared.
04:13 Somehow none of them saw what really happened, even though some of them would.
04:19 I guess some of them are impressed because they think he's a wench.
04:23 The father is annoyed at his cringy, lame catchphrase to shine a light and banish fright.
04:29 Salem lampshades that soap operas use evil twins too much, like Archie Sonic.
04:34 And I have to assume the father used the homing in spell to warp to Sabrina's house.
04:39 As how else would he know what it looks like, let alone where to go?
04:44 Can't be that he sent him here specifically to scare Sabrina because he's a kid, so there's no way he'd be allowed to have a job.
04:52 Like it's not a stereotypical teenager job that hires teenagers.
04:56 The boogeyman says he never wanted to be a boogeyman.
04:59 Why did he assume Sabrina didn't already know that?
05:03 He somehow talks as if he could never become an accountant just because his father would disapprove.
05:09 Sabrina spends some time trying to talk bravery into him.
05:12 This is so boring.
05:15 Jem overhears their conversation and wants to make a social call.
05:19 It turns out both of his parents are in Sabrina's house arguing, and his mother is on his side.
05:25 And hopefully quickly suffering.
05:27 Sabrina inexplicably says this time you won't need anyone's help, even though she didn't want to tell him that she used magic to help him.
05:36 So he freaks out and returns to normal.
05:38 Jem somehow thinks that his parents are rich, so she has the right to meet them.
05:42 She's told to look over there, and the door is slammed on her, and she says she can't believe she fell for that again.
05:47 She's smarter than that.
05:50 The story wastes more time on the father pressuring him.
05:54 And when he tells him what job he really wants, he yells at him and grounds him for a hundred years, even though he could leave his house at 18.
06:03 Hilda says, and you think we're strict?
06:06 You are!
06:07 She better know that.
06:09 Too bad she doesn't tell her she's strict.
06:12 Jem tries to get into Sabrina's house with a helicopter, and Sabrina uses magic to send her flying away.
06:19 I assume this will be a pattern that'll be very entertaining.
06:23 The father is already running late for his stair appointment.
06:26 At least the mother thanks Sabrina's family for no reason.
06:30 Like they had a choice in being hosts.
06:33 The father agrees to let his son say goodbye to his friends, then how is he always monstering?
06:39 Did he say he's not allowed to have friends?
06:41 I guess he really doesn't want a baby in the house again, because he could just have another kid if he's that obsessed with his kid having the same job as him.
06:49 Sabrina expects me to believe that it was wrong of her to help him beat Slugloaf.
06:54 According to this show, it's wrong to keep someone from getting beaten to death.
07:00 Somehow the boogeyman laughs at Sabrina for still being scared of the vortex.
07:05 And why would he be hypocritical?
07:07 He says he wants to handle the bully on his own when he shows up at Sabrina's house, somehow already aware that he's at her house.
07:14 He tells her that Slugloaf's afraid of a fair fight, and he turns his head to normal to scare him into falling over.
07:22 I assume Jem called Slugloaf to tell him where to go.
07:26 Jem sees him lying screened to seeing the alien's father.
07:29 She wouldn't ask "Who are you people?" because she'd recognize his son's voice.
07:35 She should've been written to say "I guess I'm dreaming."
07:38 He says by using modern accounting methods, he could become more efficient.
07:43 It's amusing that Jem sitting in bed boarded this.
07:46 It's so weird that she isn't scared at all after seeing that Sabrina is associated with these aliens.
07:52 You'd think eventually she would start to ask why in the world she keeps having these dreams where Sabrina is associated with supernatural stuff and see a therapist.
08:02 You'd think she'd at least ask "What kind of nightmare is this?"
08:06 She tells her to explain, and Sabrina tells her this is all a dream.
08:10 Jem says "It is?"
08:12 You'd think she'd have been assuming this was a dream since she saw the monster.
08:16 She says in her dreams she's her maid.
08:19 So Sabrina magically gives herself a maid outfit which fools her.
08:25 When it could just as easily be that she's a witch because she knows the boogeyman.
08:30 Then she says she's not chickening out of the vortex this time.
08:34 Not that we get to see her succeed in it.
08:36 Because that'd be a waste of time, and time was already wasted in this episode on the boring stuff.
08:41 Even though we could've just not seen the vortex in the first place and only seen it at the very end.
08:48 This boring episode is about an alien inexplicably meeting Sabrina just to force a plot where she constantly teaches them to not be a coward.
08:56 And this drags on the whole story without the principal or teacher wondering why this new kid who's not on the attendance sheet is here.
09:05 Until he eventually goes to Jem's room and oppresses his father with his accounting skill.
09:10 Getting him to realize that it's not so bad that he doesn't want to follow in his footsteps scaring people like a confusing rip off of Monsters Inc.
09:18 If you're gonna rip it off, you need to explain that they're scaring people to generate electricity.
09:23 Or it's just gonna feel forced.
09:25 The whole scene with his father disapproving of him was completely pointless.
09:31 So the moral of the story is that things are less scary when you know a lot about them.
09:35 And you can always get your father to approve of not following in his footsteps by helping him using your talent.
09:42 Well, those morals don't always apply to the real world.
09:46 I'm sure that if you were scared of snakes, learning more about those specific ways their poisons make people suffer would only make you even more scared of them.
09:55 And that's just one example.
09:57 And a lot of parents would never soften up like his father did.
10:01 Inexplicably.
10:02 Most of the time you wouldn't be able to be useful to your parents because of the job you plan on getting.
10:07 I don't think it was getting braver because of knowledge, but because of Sabrina's emotional support.
10:14 The episode was boring and the aliens sucked to look at.
10:17 But it's almost good by this show's standards because it was a story entirely about Sabrina helping someone.
10:23 And not having it backfire.
10:25 Which should be standard.
10:28 Why isn't that the show's formula?
10:31 It still demonizes magic because Sabrina says it was wrong of her to save him from being beaten up.
10:37 Sabrina the Animated Series, Episode 34.
10:41 Harvey plays a video game ignoring Sabrina and she unnecessarily taunts him.
10:46 Too much time is wasted on this.
10:49 Salem's in her bag.
10:50 He ends up in a museum with Sabrina because I guess he was bored.
10:54 And he says in his day he called the moon planet kitty litter.
10:58 Even though witches could just zap away anything to never never land.
11:02 Sabrina uses magic on Harvey's Gameboy to ruin it.
11:06 And says the batteries wore out.
11:08 Because she doesn't want him missing the whole trip to the observatory.
11:12 I never went on a field trip to an observatory.
11:15 The story really exaggerates Harvey's addiction to gaming.
11:18 It's clearly written by someone who never played a video game before.
11:23 Sabrina pulls something to find Quigley's office.
11:27 Since when is he working in an observatory?
11:30 He has a top secret project.
11:32 The search for aliens.
11:34 They should be a lot more clear on what his job is because it seems completely unproductive.
11:39 And we see him broadcast a video of himself.
11:42 Where he hopes the stupid humans won't destroy their planet by them.
11:46 He could have easily not said this sentence.
11:49 It comes out of nowhere that he's this cynical about humanity.
11:53 Because usually he's obliviously smiling all the time.
11:58 By this point he's spent so much time in the house.
12:01 That I'd rather think of him as not having a job.
12:03 Because I'm used to that.
12:05 I still prefer assuming that the household still makes money off the fact that it has witches in it instead.
12:11 Just to spite Quigley's insistence on no magic ever.
12:14 Sabrina hears laughter and says he'll never be a laughingstock in her eyes.
12:19 I hate when she feels sorry for him.
12:22 The writers hardly say everybody likes Quigley. Screw that.
12:27 They hear someone say he wants Quigley fired.
12:30 But Quigley's boss likes him.
12:32 Well then why even show this scene if there's no actual tension?
12:36 The guy is horrible acting when he says this institution has to shut him down.
12:41 This is supposed to be a secret project. So how would he know about it?
12:46 He'd hear Sabrina say this is horrible and confront her.
12:49 Why is the show so allergic to just having the characters think instead of talk?
12:55 Eventually Sabrina says her uncle isn't excess baggage.
13:00 How is this writer so stupid?
13:03 It has to be that he doesn't know anything about the franchise before this point.
13:06 The whole franchise did without him just fine.
13:09 And there has to be a reason it abandoned Quigley after the animated series ended.
13:14 Harvey says Quigley should stand and fall on his own and discourages her from meddling in others' business.
13:20 It's doubly annoying that Sabrina still makes a mistake despite being told not to.
13:25 Sabrina tells Salem he owes her for eating her tuna sandwich, so she wants his help.
13:30 Doesn't mean that much to him that he didn't have to expend magic to just zap it up.
13:35 She wants to create an alien response to Quigley.
13:39 I'd assumed from the start that he'd get a response the natural way because we've already seen tons of monsters.
13:45 Which aren't from another planet. So they are aliens.
13:49 Salem picks up a phone and says love you too because he knows it bugs Spooky.
13:54 How convenient that Spooky didn't use magic on him from a distance or over the phone.
13:59 Why the hell aren't they just pointing to instantly create the alien signal?
14:03 Why would Sabrina say how would I know what an alien's supposed to look like?
14:07 She's seen tons of aliens.
14:10 And somehow Salem messes up and screws up the control panel.
14:13 Which messes up Quigley's video so that it looks like he's threatening to destroy an alien planet.
14:19 And I'm sure they're gonna totally ignore the cheerful smile he has.
14:24 I don't want to see the result of this. It's too frustrating.
14:28 I hate that Quigley got popular because of this message.
14:31 Harvey wants to talk to Sabrina alone because the footage of the approaching aliens look like his video game aliens.
14:37 Then her stalker, Jem, somehow is here to overhear her and plot against her.
14:43 So Jem's uncle proves to people that the aliens are just video game aliens.
14:48 People would have always known that because they always looked like 8-bit aliens.
14:53 So I get to see the audience boo Quigley.
14:56 Sabrina asks Salem how he could let her do something so stupid.
15:00 Just another way that she's an unsympathetic excuse for a protagonist.
15:04 Instead of her taking responsibility, she shifts the blame.
15:08 Salem could have kept her from making a mistake. All of her mistakes because he's a warlock.
15:13 And it's shameful that it's presumably too addicted to her adventures to stop her.
15:18 But she pressured Salem into helping her in the first place.
15:21 Why doesn't he point that out?
15:24 There was no reason for them to use the aliens from the game instead of fake aliens.
15:30 The main characters get kidnapped by aliens.
15:33 And eventually one tells Quig that they give up so there's no need to destroy their planet.
15:38 Which is at least a twist.
15:40 But I guess they're so used to advanced technology they just naturally assume Earth is advanced too.
15:45 This is so convenient. He's trying to make Quigley their leader.
15:48 Why don't they immediately believe him when he explains that he was never threatening them?
15:52 Then the plot would already be over.
15:54 I'm sure they'd have heard Sabrina say that when Salem spilled coffee and messed up the signal.
15:59 You'd think he'd have not even sent it then.
16:02 And they would try to open it and it would be a corrupt file.
16:05 Then he says he's gonna freeze all of them.
16:08 I'm so confused.
16:10 Why aren't these witches warping out of here or destroying the tubes?
16:15 Do they have to have the witches dressed in witch costumes all the time for the writers not to forget?
16:21 Harvey always assumed that the aliens made Salem able to talk.
16:26 And he says they could build a whole show out of Salem.
16:29 Salem recites the end of Spooky's letter and assumes that Spooky's spell created these aliens.
16:34 Why does he care that they made the spell happen?
16:37 Very conveniently, Harvey gets free of the tube in such an easy way that it's completely forgettable.
16:43 And they're arbitrarily listening to his advice.
16:46 And he tells them to fill the balloons with two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.
16:50 And the other heroes get freed.
16:52 Then there's a boring sequence where Harvey and Sabrina shoot alien spaceships.
16:58 And Sabrina's hair resembles Leia.
17:00 How convenient that they're perfectly fine with killing aliens.
17:03 The alien spaceship eventually lands on Jem's uncle who somehow is alive afterwards.
17:09 An alien asks how they can repay him and quickly says he just wants to go home so they return home.
17:15 How convenient that the tractor beam is able to make Harvey forget things.
17:20 No one told the aliens that Harvey was immortal who needed his memory erased.
17:25 Why would Spooky be responsible when he was evil enough to make this spell happen in the first place?
17:32 It's a miracle he doesn't just make every mortal know about magic just so they can sit and laugh at the world being in chaos.
17:39 This episode's about Sabrina arbitrarily trusting Spooky again.
17:43 This time to make Quigley get respect for contacting alien life.
17:48 Only for it to turn out that the spell made the aliens come to life to kidnap him when no one wanted that.
17:54 And somehow, instead of Sabrina and Salem just pointing to brainwash the aliens into letting him go since Sabrina effortlessly brainwashed Quigley in an earlier episode,
18:03 the pacing drags and Harvey somehow gets let go and can convince them to let him pilot a spaceship to shoot invading aliens to death.
18:13 And he's conveniently fine with causing their death just because they're not humans.
18:17 At least I got to see people get upset with Quigley when the liar is revealed.
18:21 But it never should have taken more than a second for people to figure it out.
18:25 And all this was to teach a lesson not to meddle in someone's business.
18:29 Because somehow, the writer thought "don't help someone ever" was a good message.
18:37 As usual, the pacing's too slow.
18:40 And I hate that there was ever an extended part of it where people loved Quigley.
18:45 What kid is gonna be in the kind of position where she could try to make her uncle get more respect?
18:49 Who needs this message?
18:51 She could have easily just had actual aliens contact him so that it wouldn't have to be a lesson about how fooling people is wrong.
18:59 Even though realistically, they would never figure out the truth.
19:01 So why not just make them happy?