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00:00 Sabrina the Animated Series, Episode 35.
00:03 Harvey says you could get Sabrina to go to a movie with him Saturday.
00:07 Normally she agrees right away, and that's smarter.
00:10 And eventually Sabrina wants to look like a cowgirl for a ball.
00:14 Salem asks her why she's going, and she says it's because Harvey's going.
00:18 They didn't need to show us the scene with Jem.
00:21 Salem eventually zaps up a cowgirl outfit for her.
00:25 This better not backfire on her somehow with the outfit being cursed.
00:29 It looks like it is because the hat is sparkling.
00:32 Why did she even want to go to the party when she didn't want to go to Jem's party in Witch's Witch?
00:37 People laugh at her at the ball, and she looks down and says "Oh man."
00:41 And eventually someone says she got lost looking for the rodeo.
00:44 It'd be easier to understand if she said it was a costume party and she dressed like some sort of Halloween monster.
00:51 Jem only lied that it had a country-western theme.
00:54 You'd think she would ask someone else, instead of just assuming she's always honest.
00:59 Seriously, why would you think Jem would tell her useful, honest information if she didn't have to?
01:05 Of course she would only invite her to her party if she got humiliated.
01:08 Jem makes a toast to embarrass Sabrina, so Sabrina uses magic to make a lobster claw grab Jem's nose.
01:15 Which would make everyone freak out from witchcraft because the lobster is supposed to be dead.
01:20 This story is really wasting my time with either boredom or mean-spiritedness.
01:25 Eventually Jem's dad says he invested in a company that made cheese logs.
01:30 And I'm supposed to assume that means it makes total sense that their funds are depleted.
01:35 Wouldn't cheese logs be financially valuable too, because people would want to buy them to eat them?
01:42 Sure, they're like "You can't build things with cheese logs."
01:45 But, still.
01:47 The plot didn't lead up to this at all. It was padding until this point.
01:51 Like if he was buying them because he thought they were logs, how would he ever not realize they were cheese?
01:58 Jem falls over and has a forced line that they're too rich to be broke.
02:03 What she should say is that they would still have other stocks they could sell to get more money.
02:09 I get to see Jem's possessions get taken out of the house.
02:12 This would only make sense if it was the result of Sabrina's spell.
02:16 Eventually Quigley talks to Sabrina happily, saying that he's got a big surprise for her.
02:22 Why the hell is he happy that Jem's gonna be living with them for a while?
02:27 He knows she hates her.
02:29 Pretty sure the whole family knew that she hated her and why in the comic.
02:34 Why does he call Jem her friend?
02:37 If he's ignorant to who Jem is, he wouldn't ever think she was her friend anyways because Jem wouldn't have introduced herself to him as her friend.
02:46 Why am I supposed to think that he's someone to listen to when he lectures if he's stupider than Homer Simpson?
02:53 I'm sure even Homer wouldn't think Nelson Munce was Bart's best friend.
02:59 This episode feels unreal.
03:01 Quigley says Jem's only staying a week.
03:05 They're bankrupt but they think they'll only barely have any money for a week.
03:09 And they hate her, that's why she's staying with someone else.
03:12 And I have to assume that her uncle hates her too, so that's why she's not gonna live with him.
03:18 This better be a whole episode of Jem's suffering to make this a good episode.
03:22 Why would Salem run away from Jem's dog scared, instead just shape shifting him?
03:27 There's been so many old Salem comics where he abused magic on dogs.
03:33 Jem tells Sabrina to get her banks, she'd just levitate them behind her.
03:38 The very idea that Jem's gonna expect Sabrina to be her servant and somehow both those witches are putting up with them.
03:46 This episode is something you should skip.
03:49 There's especially no value because it doesn't even have her find out she's a witch.
03:55 At least I get to see Jem's dog jump into a goldfish bowl that floats.
04:00 Salem uses magic to torment him and he asks if he's gonna behave.
04:05 Dogs don't speak English and I don't know what took so long.
04:10 None of Jem's dialogue is valuable.
04:15 Jem tells Sabrina that she needs to learn everything about how to handle being a simple peasant.
04:21 At least the episode's gonna have value in teaching the audience how to wash clothes.
04:27 Jem says she always throws out her dirty clothes, so much for having strict parents.
04:33 Why does the episode skip ahead after she puts the clothes in the washer?
04:37 Why not show her to press the buttons?
04:40 The washer screws up because she put the dishes in to wash them.
04:44 There's no way anybody would be that stupid because I'm sure she would've watched television before.
04:52 It should be explained that Jem did this on purpose to mess with her.
04:56 Why have this story? There's obviously no value in it unless you're a sadist.
05:02 No one would ever enjoy seeing anything Jem's doing otherwise.
05:08 Oh good, at least I get to see Quigley be upset that his roses died because of Jem.
05:14 Sabrina says that to get rid of Jem, they need to make her rich again.
05:18 Eventually, someone tells Jem that she won a huge amount of money.
05:23 There's no way she'd ruin the check and say there must be 25 cents of paper here.
05:28 You'd think this would send her to boarding school.
05:32 I can at least assume that she's doing this to keep torturing Sabrina.
05:36 Jem's dog strikes oil because of Sabrina.
05:39 It's too bad Sabrina didn't think to just brainwash her uncle into wanting to adopt her.
05:46 She shows appreciation for Sabrina for teaching her things.
05:50 Then how is she the type to bully Sabrina?
05:53 This is pathetically manipulative of the writing,
05:56 making her be out of character to trick us into liking her just for this one scene where she gives Sabrina a gift
06:02 when we all know she'll be back to normal in the next episode.
06:06 She says she'd rather go into the limo herself as the story ends.
06:10 How convenient that when Sabrina used magic to make Jem's family get rich again,
06:14 the head witch didn't bitch at her.
06:17 It may have been a whole story about Sabrina helping someone,
06:20 but I don't care because it was Jem, and she didn't do it out of the kindness of her heart,
06:25 and she took forever to use magic.
06:28 This boring episode had too much focus on Jem and her annoying voice,
06:33 and by that I mean any focus on her at all,
06:36 and the whole time she was annoying Sabrina with her stupid behavior that would only make sense if it was on purpose,
06:42 because she was made to live with Sabrina when somehow her family went bankrupt immediately
06:48 from the stock on one bad investment going down,
06:52 even though they'd just sell their other stocks.
06:56 Them losing their furniture and house could make sense if they just lied to Jem,
07:00 and said the government was repossessing their stuff because they didn't pay taxes.
07:05 I also have to just assume that the reason Jem's being told by her dad to live with Sabrina,
07:10 as if he doesn't know Jem at all, is that he knows Jem would love to torture Sabrina.
07:16 It's confusing on a casual watch because you'd assume he always knew that she thought Sabrina was a loser to bully.
07:22 That'd be the only reason she'd ever talk about her.
07:26 And it has the gall to try to manipulate you into liking Jem and thinking she became a respectable softy at the end,
07:33 when the writers should know that we know the show would never change her.
07:37 There's a difference between showing occasional human moments for the alpha bitch,
07:42 which I applauded when Amy was like that in the 90s comic,
07:47 and outright making her completely out of character and changing entirely.
07:52 This episode could've had value if it taught the audience how to use a washing machine and a dishwasher,
07:57 and how to cook a breakfast and a lunch.
08:01 It's all about teaching us moral lessons, so why not?
08:05 And I'm sure being educational would be boring, but it's better to be boring in a valuable way at least.
08:12 The idea of Sabrina trying to teach Jem to be respectable and independent is sweet,
08:18 but I don't care since we know it's not gonna stick.
08:21 And since Jem was a nuisance who was mistreating her, I didn't want to care about her.
08:26 I wanted an episode where she was being tormented with magic in a whole bunch of different ways,
08:31 even if it's just that she's seeing magic be used without them knowing she's witnessing it.
08:37 And there could've been one scene where they used magic to scare her,
08:41 only for her to come back because she convinced herself she just dreamed the whole thing.
08:45 What is even the moral of this episode?
08:48 It looks like it's that you should torture yourself teaching your spoiled bully how to be independent,
08:53 because in every situation where that happens,
08:57 if you're nice enough to her, she'll become a nice and respectable person,
09:01 because being rich was totally what made her a jerk to Sabrina.
09:06 What a naive show.
09:08 Sabrina the Animated Series, Episode 36.
09:14 Somehow I see little aliens slide down a rope with one reassuring the other that they're safe,
09:20 and Chloe signs her name for a charity auction for singing, and scares them.
09:25 Why are aliens on Earth?
09:28 Sabrina says to Chloe that she's got a shot,
09:32 and Chloe says she's been taking singing lessons since she was six,
09:36 and she hopes Sabrina won't use magic to cheat.
09:40 It turns out Sabrina had been the lead in a musical,
09:43 which doesn't make any sense because she's canonically terrible at singing.
09:47 You know, aside from in the Savities comic.
09:50 Chloe talks in a nice way, not wanting them to fight,
09:53 and Sabrina says to her she still needs help with algebra.
09:56 I hate the annoying voices of the aliens.
09:59 Salem gets annoyed by all the noise around him.
10:02 Why doesn't he just leave the room instead of telling them to shut up?
10:06 He can work.
10:07 Zelda says he's just playing tic-tac-toe against himself.
10:11 Hilda asks him what's bugging him,
10:14 and he says Hephaestus is going to visit him because he was his best friend in wizard school,
10:19 and he doesn't want him to see that he was turned into a cat.
10:23 So if school was compulsory for wizards centuries ago but not mortals,
10:28 then it's proven that wizards are actually a lot more advanced.
10:33 It's needlessly confusing to give his friend the same name as a Greek god if he's not that person.
10:39 We see the two of them ride on flying carpets.
10:42 Sadly, it inconveniences people.
10:45 It also makes the Tower of Pisa lean,
10:47 even though it really leans from sinking in the foundation.
10:51 Hephaestus says because he won, Salem's his servant for the next 50 years.
10:57 Why does he even call him his friend?
11:00 Salem says Hephaestus still got all of his magical powers,
11:03 but Salem still has magic too.
11:05 Is this writer somehow unaware of that?
11:08 Obviously, it makes more sense that he wouldn't have his powers,
11:12 but it's too late now.
11:15 It's a constant annoyance that Chloe and Sabrina are competitive with each other this episode.
11:20 Why is she constantly either useless, redundant, or a bad friend?
11:23 To be fair, all of the other female friends of Sabrina from the sitcom
11:28 were also useless and redundant and could be bad friends.
11:32 Salem begs for help and kisses Sabrina's shoe,
11:35 and she at least just says it tickles and agrees to help with a smile.
11:39 The Sabrina I know wouldn't need someone to convince her to help him.
11:44 He shows them a book, and Chloe finds something and says how about this?
11:48 She would have found that herself, but it's something.
11:51 Sabrina's reading out a recipe and sets a spell.
11:54 Salem says he commanded a golem squadron back in the Second World War.
11:59 Why be needlessly dark?
12:02 How would there be a Second World War for the other realm anyways?
12:06 The reason the First World War happened was an assassination,
12:10 but witches would use magical spells to make that assassination impossible.
12:14 And the whole reason the Second World War happened was because the First World War happened.
12:19 My point is this is an interesting bit of lore, and this never gets developed on.
12:23 Sabrina and Chloe try to make each other feel bad about their chances of winning
12:28 when they're supposed to be friends.
12:30 Real friends would just be encouraging.
12:33 I can assume they want their friend to give up
12:35 because they don't like the idea of disappointing her friend when she wins.
12:39 But that should be explained.
12:42 Chloe leaves the room, and she meets Salem's old friend,
12:45 who's annoyingly arrogant in his tone of voice.
12:48 The mecha gets wrecked from walking to walls, so Quigley nags him.
12:53 Salem says "actor," which makes Quigley brag that he's one,
12:58 and he flatters him and convinces him to play the role of Salem.
13:02 If he just brainwashed him to green, that'd be so much faster, and he'd deserve it.
13:07 But instead I had to see the awful character be happy.
13:11 Quigley lampshades that he has no script or wardrobe.
13:15 I really hate that Quigley's talking in a stupid voice for no reason.
13:20 It's smart of Salem to tell Quig to say goodbye, but there's no way that he wouldn't be hurt.
13:25 The stupid voice makes it impossible for me to interpret what he's saying most of the time.
13:30 Quigley is such a selfish jerk that he insists on continuing with the acts for fun
13:35 when he knows Salem disapproves.
13:38 Eventually Quigley gets told that he looks like he's slowed down,
13:42 and Quigley says you could beat him in a race.
13:45 And he's told the stakes of losing, but I don't care,
13:49 because I know this show won't ever change the status quo in a good way.
13:53 At least when he leaves Quigley regrets that he lost his head.
13:57 Out of nowhere, Salem tells him he's not giving up now.
14:01 Sabrina says it's spelled to make some carpets into flying carpets.
14:05 I never saw this whole audition stuff apply as anything but padding.
14:10 Chloe can't sing. It's cringe-worthy.
14:13 How can she not sing if she had singing lessons?
14:17 She would already know that she's bad at singing then, because someone would have told her.
14:22 Why is the story tormenting us with Sabrina's falsetto generic singing?
14:27 She's told very good, but then told she needs to work on her pitch.
14:32 Sabrina's embarrassed, so at least she knows she was mediocre at best.
14:38 Sabrina sees Quigley scared during his race,
14:42 and Hilda says Salem's pushing the flying carpets too hard.
14:46 It's so out of nowhere that the ants are following them in the race,
14:49 they didn't even know what happened.
14:51 I have to assume they were called and told about it,
14:55 either through cellphones or telepathically, just in case.
15:00 Quigley wonders why the carpets won't obey him.
15:03 They're Persian-rugged, so they don't speak English.
15:07 Why doesn't any witch in this scene point to slow down the carpets right away?
15:12 And if magical artifacts only understood the specific language you were saying,
15:18 rather than skipping straight to understanding what your thoughts are,
15:23 regardless of a language barrier,
15:25 how would any of their old magical artifacts work if they predate the English language?
15:31 They somehow don't warp the people in danger to safety right away,
15:35 which pads out the story.
15:38 There's no reason the carpets would start unraveling from going too fast,
15:41 because they're already magic, so why would they be done so badly?
15:46 Eventually, Salem tells the truth to his friend.
15:50 Quigley's somehow totally casual, saying that Hef's head fell off.
15:55 How convenient that he didn't freak out.
15:58 It turns out Hef was also transformed.
16:01 How convenient for Salem.
16:04 Quigley could've easily assumed that the sheer force of getting hit at a high speed
16:08 would take someone's head off and freak out anyways.
16:12 And again, why is Quigley acting like Salem doesn't have magic?
16:16 Sabrina eventually catches Salem, and somehow he doesn't get hurt along with her.
16:21 I have to assume she casts a spell against that.
16:24 Sabrina gets Salem to shake hands with his friend.
16:28 Salem picks him up by the tail and threatens him,
16:31 and he gets bit and decides to chase him,
16:34 and we see the padding subplot get wrapped up.
16:37 Sabrina tells Chloe she's her best friend and apologizes for being mean.
16:42 She's totally got in, somehow.
16:45 I have to assume every other auditioner sucked even worse than them.
16:49 This is just so condescending.
16:52 And the aliens from the start are happy about this ending.
16:55 Why were they in this show if they were never gonna be relevant to Sabrina?
16:59 And how's the spider talking?
17:01 This episode was about Salem not wanting his visiting friend to know he got turned into a cat.
17:07 So he cleverly manipulates Quigley into pretending it's him,
17:11 and he hates him enough that he challenges him to a carpet race that somehow starts ruining the carpets they're on because it's so fast.
17:19 Even though witches can make carpets invulnerable.
17:22 This episode was boring because I've already seen a few stories where Salem didn't want to admit he was made a cat, and I hate this show.
17:29 But at least the plot was done differently this time.
17:32 It should've explained that he's cursed, so that it's impossible to turn him human.
17:37 But we can easily assume that.
17:39 At least the story didn't center around Sabrina.
17:42 But it still sucks because it forced Magic to backfire because the carpets start apparently unraveling.
17:48 Magic backfiring alone didn't ruin Sabrina's stories before the animated series,
17:53 but this show is boring with a terrible foundation,
17:56 and I've gotten extremely sick of Magic being demonized every episode.
18:00 The plot up to the climax was fine,
18:03 but Magic had to backfire to force Salem into a situation where he had to tell the truth,
18:08 just because in this episode, he can't use Magic as a cat.
18:13 I guess the moral is, if your old friend visits you,
18:18 you should tell them everything embarrassing that happened to you in the past
18:22 that they would've figured out on their own eventually.
18:25 Why?
18:26 I don't even need to mock them.
18:29 The other moral is good, don't be competitive with friends.