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00:00 Sabrina the Animated Series, Episode 39.
00:03 Sabrina's teacher is Unintelligible Dialogue, and Sabrina and Jem both want to be Harvey's lab partner.
00:10 And an adult says Jem's gonna be Sabrina's partner.
00:14 Quigley gets magic used on him to give him a pirate costume, but he starts singing to enjoy magic for once.
00:21 It makes logical sense to be fine with costume summoning magic, because that's always harmless.
00:27 Then he should never be acting like all magic is evil.
00:30 Sabrina comes home complaining, and a parrot makes Quigley miserable.
00:34 Sabrina says Jem is her partner, and somehow Quigley says it doesn't sound so bad.
00:40 He says Jem might bring something useful to the table, and victim blames her telling her to give getting along a shot.
00:48 When obviously she was gonna do that because that's in her nature, and it's gonna be Jem who will make things awful.
00:54 Eventually, it turns out Jem hid something in the spooky jar to be spiteful after being nothing but annoying, and she opens it and gets sent to spooky.
01:03 She put a rupture in the fourth dimension of time because she put a mortal object in the spooky jar.
01:09 Why is this the case? This makes no sense.
01:13 I assume that mortal object never includes clothes.
01:19 So all along people were supposed to just make sure they didn't have anything in their pockets before they went into the spooky jar.
01:28 If clothes were the exception, he would say that, not say a mortal object in general.
01:36 So they get warped to another universe based on the novel they just had.
01:43 Salem saves Jem from being trampled by horses, which is only good because it saves her parents the money for paying for her funeral, since they'd be annoyed at having to do that.
01:53 Why wouldn't Jem let Sabrina explain? Why would she tell her she sees what's going on?
01:59 Like the curiosity would be killing her, she wouldn't waste any more time.
02:04 Jem says some higher power chose to grant her humble request to rule the world just because she was sent back to ancient Rome.
02:13 Why would she want to rule the world?
02:16 The only thing she would want would be for her family to love her and not force her to do a bunch of exercise every day.
02:24 Why did she think she'd have any chance of getting to take over Rome and put up with paperwork because she was sent here?
02:31 And I wish it was explained that they're in another universe where everyone speaks English.
02:36 Because somehow they speak English.
02:39 Jem somehow expects credit cards to still be useful, and somehow speaks slowly.
02:45 Why did she think her money would be accepted in the past?
02:49 Somehow this guy says there's no such thing as paper.
02:53 Jem says she's a princess, somehow.
02:56 Somehow this guy says Caesar is ruler of the whole world.
03:00 Well, it is another universe, but there's a reason no country took over the whole world in the past before.
03:07 It's too big and there's competing countries, and the technology back then just wasn't good enough for that to be possible.
03:13 And this country isn't super advanced, so that's not it.
03:18 And obviously if the world was so small that one country eats the whole world, there would be much smaller gravity, and I don't think it would be livable.
03:28 All of the water and atmosphere would have escaped from the planet. That's Mars' problem.
03:34 Jem and Sabrina get taken away in a barred cage, and the whole time I'm wondering why Sabrina doesn't just warp home with Jem and Salem,
03:41 and then lie that Jem's dreamed this whole thing because it worked for Harvey.
03:46 I have to assume that Sabrina wants to keep this adventure going out of curiosity to see what'll happen.
03:51 Sure, she's scared.
03:53 But people are scared of horror movies, but they still stick around to see what'll happen in the whole thing.
04:00 She's told to tell the Emperor about the future. How convenient that he believes them that it's the future.
04:05 Sabrina bores me talking about the car engine.
04:08 Why would Jem waste time telling the Emperor to bow down because she's his new princess?
04:14 It's obvious he wouldn't give up his authority.
04:17 If there was any chance of it being that easy, she wouldn't have needed to put in this effort.
04:22 Why the hell's a dust cloud censoring Jem fighting with her?
04:26 Why did she wait until now to fight her?
04:29 So it's out of character of her.
04:31 If the show's ever shown the impact when Salem had to deal with Slapstick, then there's no excuse for this.
04:38 The Emperor decides to make the two fight in public for fun.
04:42 I guess because he's so generous, he wants a lot more people to get to enjoy the fight.
04:48 Girls aren't allowed to be gladiators.
04:50 But it's a parallel universe. Anything goes.
04:53 It's nice of the gladiators to shake hands with Sabrina and Jem.
04:58 It's confusing that they're offered tea and crumpets.
05:01 A British thing.
05:03 But it's a parallel universe. Anything goes.
05:05 I guess they just don't want to state the obvious by saying, "You poor kids, being here without your parents."
05:12 Somehow, hurting people isn't their job.
05:16 They figured out that they have to put on a good act and work together because if they really fought, they'd die quickly.
05:23 But that was the case.
05:26 Again, it's another universe. Anything goes.
05:28 But that needs to be explained right away.
05:30 Why miseducate the audience in a show all about teaching lessons?
05:35 There's no reason to put them in Ancient Rome if you're not going to be accurate.
05:40 You could just have them actually be wrestlers and it'd make more sense.
05:44 Why have multiple episodes about teaching Sabrina to work together with her bully?
05:50 I can understand the appeal in teaching someone to be willing to act cooperative and work together no matter what.
05:56 Especially if the teacher is forcing her to work with her.
05:59 But Sabrina's overly nice by nature, so she wouldn't need to learn this lesson.
06:04 Then the story starts wasting too much time by trying to teach Sabrina and Jem combat moves.
06:10 I don't care.
06:11 At least the show is Sabrina push Jem down, but the rest is offscreen.
06:16 Why bother writing violence if you're not allowed to show it?
06:19 And it's not an action series.
06:21 Salem greets Sabrina and says the time portal is still open, but somehow it's only temporary.
06:28 Why doesn't he just use magic to save them?
06:30 He tells them to give each other a boost.
06:33 Sabrina says she'd rather sit in prison than trust Jem.
06:37 Yeah, but even Jem wouldn't be dumb enough to make her fall because if she lands she'll get killed from the impact, trapping her here.
06:45 I guess Sabrina assumes that she's operating on cartoon logic.
06:49 Where she won't get killed.
06:51 It makes sense that she would assume Jem's a complete idiot, considering how stupid she was in this episode.
06:56 Couldn't Salem just say, "I'll give you something as a reward if you do what I say"?
07:01 If this guy is a megaphone, where is all the rest of their technology?
07:05 Don't megaphones require connection to the electric grid to work?
07:09 Why does the audience know to boo Jem?
07:13 I guess the Emperor told the audience ahead of time to boo Jem because she wants to take over Rome.
07:19 Jem has standards because she finds out her weapons are sharp and reveals that she doesn't actually want to kill her.
07:25 Sabrina is not surprised by this.
07:28 She tells her to duck so the audience boos. She'd have whispered it.
07:33 The Emperor doesn't enjoy the battle and calls them fakers, so he tells the guards to chase them.
07:39 I'm wondering how the other gladiators kept themselves from having this consequence, when they would have had real weapons.
07:45 Some padding could have been cut out of the episode so they'd have time to show us how the gladiators got away with this.
07:51 But I guess the writer thought it'd be too hard to write it in a way that made sense.
07:56 Sabrina can't reach something to get the door open.
07:59 God forbid she used magic when they're in a magical situation.
08:03 In ancient Rome, so I'm sure everyone already believed in witches.
08:08 Jem stands on her shoulders to try pulling, and then they swing into the guards, and the door opens anyways.
08:14 Gwen Jem just said that she wasn't strong enough.
08:19 They hold onto the reins to get horses to pull them to safety.
08:23 How convenient that her enemies don't catch up with them and instead vanish when they get to the portal.
08:28 I have to assume Sabrina cast a spell to make them able to run a lot faster.
08:34 But they don't get sent out of it just because the episode didn't last long enough.
08:38 And so they decide to fix the book, because somehow for them to come home, everything needs to be the same as when they got here.
08:44 And somehow the book being fixed returns them to the house, even though they're wearing different clothes.
08:50 But again, I guess this could make sense because I said earlier, clothes are an exception to the "no mortal objects allowed" spell.
08:59 But what would the things they're wearing that are made of metal count as clothes?
09:03 Nobody who made the "clothes are allowed" rule would consider metal armor.
09:10 Then Jem finishes the book report, and she says "that's right, partner" being out of character again for a sappy ending.
09:18 Like so many writers want to redeem Jem, why don't they just let them do it?
09:24 Then she inexplicably plans to tell everyone at school what she went through, in front of Zelda.
09:29 I assume she's only saying this to try to get Sabrina to be her slave to keep her from talking, because anybody would know nobody would believe her.
09:37 So Zelda makes her think all of that was a dream, instead of just saying that nobody would believe her.
09:43 If Zelda can do this in the show, Sabrina thinking that she's weak because of her age has to be why she never does this herself.
09:51 This episode has Jem and Sabrina go to a parallel universe, and somehow put up with being gladiators,
09:56 because Jem put a novel in the spooky jar to spitefully hide it from Sabrina,
10:01 so already the episode's irredeemable by making Jem be around the whole time.
10:05 But it was satisfying when she finally learned to work together with Sabrina and save both their lives.
10:11 Jem didn't assume she was sent back in time because Sabrina's a witch,
10:15 instead she assumes that some higher power did this first so she'd take over the world,
10:20 but her assuming that was only there to make Sabrina think she doesn't have to reveal she has magic,
10:26 which means the episode drags on in a boring way.
10:30 It's frustrating the whole time, Sabrina hates her entire experience, so there's no excuse for not warping home right away.
10:36 Why would they be reliant on a portal? Why didn't she just warp to the portal?
10:40 We don't need another episode about teaching Jem and Sabrina they can work together.
10:45 Sabrina the Animated Series, Episode 40
10:49 Quigley cares enough to watch Sabrina at her baseball game and cheer, which embarrasses her.
10:55 Sabrina doesn't want kids to run into each other.
10:58 Why even bother with slapstick if it's going to be off-screen because of censorship?
11:02 How the hell was Sabrina playing a game against Jem, another member of her school?
11:07 Quigley somehow thinks Sabrina had fun,
11:10 and he hammers in the episode's message that playing sports is always supposed to be fun, even if you lose at the end.
11:16 No duh, now end the episode.
11:19 Eventually Sabrina uses magic on a magic hat and says that making everyone better with a spell is cheating.
11:24 Salem tells her that the whole town will be calling her a loser, which convinces her.
11:29 He might as well be brainwashing her every episode.
11:32 Sabrina wastes time being mad at him for bringing the spooky charm,
11:36 when I know she hasn't decided to never use it again.
11:40 Somehow it doesn't help them.
11:44 When it actually does, then it's out of character for Spooky to not show up in front of them and explain the spell.
11:50 Only Sabrina and Chloe can see that the team looks like monsters.
11:54 That's because they were there when the spell was cast.
11:57 So they can see them for maximum sadism potential.
12:01 Why doesn't Sabrina point to return things to normal?
12:04 The episode's boring from this point on.
12:06 Why would anyone want to watch a Sabrina story about just baseball?
12:09 Get to the magic!
12:12 Sabrina matches a ball with his mouth.
12:13 There's no point in mentioning anything here that isn't really taking advantage of the monsters concept.
12:18 Somebody tripped somebody.
12:20 But wouldn't it get in trouble for a foul?
12:22 Most of this is just normal baseball.
12:24 I don't care if Sabrina's team wins.
12:27 It'll just make the people I don't care about happy for a few seconds
12:30 and Gem annoyed for a few seconds and then it'll be over.
12:33 At least it's being lighthearted in how she's winning for a long time.
12:37 But this isn't what I come to Sabrina for.
12:41 Sabrina says you can't take out Harvey when he's playing great.
12:44 Somehow the vampire says they aren't winning by enough
12:47 even though obviously they're giving off the impression that they were guaranteed to win.
12:51 The vampire says he's captain of this team now.
12:54 What took him so long?
12:56 Sabrina would brainwash them all here.
12:58 She brainwashed Quigley in an earlier episode.
13:01 Why'd it take so long for Sabrina and her friends to be benched?
13:04 If spooky spells are always cursed just because he's sadistic,
13:08 there's no reason that he'd have his spell worked out for her for more than a minute.
13:11 It worked just as well at crushing her hopes either way.
13:14 Any episode where it works without a catch.
13:17 I guess even his spells that undo the previous spells have a catch,
13:21 but we just don't get to see them
13:23 because otherwise that would completely break the rule.
13:26 The writer sadistically shows someone tripped for no reason.
13:30 And somehow there's a sign saying "No Green Daliens Allowed."
13:36 Why is the writer showing off that the monsters took over the soda shop?
13:39 Harvey takes too long whining and storms off.
13:42 Hilda changes her pants with magic and the shirt.
13:46 She hypocritically says Sabrina's the one who messed around with magic.
13:50 If she was good, she'd help Sabrina.
13:53 She doesn't need to teach her a lesson because she already learned her lesson.
13:57 The ants start bickering because the show is a bad idea of humor.
14:02 Sabrina goes to the graveyard and sees the monsters inexplicably running around a bonfire.
14:06 Why doesn't she just undo the spell?
14:08 Why doesn't she tell Spooky to undo the spell?
14:11 That always works.
14:13 I assume the reason that they're fine with being outside is that they have a house somewhere
14:18 and they plan on going to it as soon as they feel like going to bed
14:21 because it'd make no sense for them to not need to sleep at night.
14:25 Or put up with the freezing cold night.
14:27 Or sleep outside at night when it's cold.
14:31 When she says she's sending him home, I immediately predict that she's gonna fail and somehow she fails.
14:35 So she has no excuse for just standing there now instead of warping to Spooky.
14:39 Why does the vampire think Earth is nicer than the netherworld?
14:43 Salem says racistly that the undead are competitive,
14:46 giving Sabrina an idea that if the kids of Riverdale win, they have to leave.
14:50 Why would they hold up their end of the bargain when they're unrealistically evil?
14:54 Spooky made them out of sadism, so why would he make them reasonable?
14:59 The jerk says they'll be banished to the netherworld if they win.
15:02 Yeah, that totally wouldn't alert Enchantra.
15:05 Yeah, that totally wouldn't get the ants to beat up Spooky to make him undo it.
15:10 Why should I keep paying attention when Jem starts talking?
15:13 All that matters is, Sabrina gives the kids an encouraging speech that works.
15:18 Jem is smart by thinking that the other team is too good.
15:22 Sabrina remembers that her job as captain is to find out the strengths of the people on her team.
15:28 This story is so boring, why would I care about baseball?
15:31 The only appeal of this boring story is happy music when the short kid cheats.
15:36 Anytime the teammates act in a way that's not normal, you'd think that'd be called cheating.
15:41 Sabrina stands on the bandage of the mummy, making him trimp.
15:45 So everyone thinks he's insanely clumsy for no reason.
15:48 Harvey puts his hand on Sabrina's shoulder and says they're having fun again,
15:52 which is the only thing that matters to him.
15:56 It's funny that he says who cares about them winning.
15:58 Well, I have to, because if they lose, they get banished to another world.
16:03 Someone asks if Salem just talked, and they wouldn't be fooled by Salem talking in a human voice saying "no,"
16:10 but it's clear that he'd just assume he was imagining that.
16:13 Another thing that never happens in baseball, and eventually Sabrina gets cheered for.
16:18 So how did the magic cover up the other team warping away?
16:23 I guess it made people think that they were still standing there,
16:25 and it was able to detect that whenever someone would go up to them to try to make physical contact with them,
16:30 they would think they went away from them.
16:33 This episode is about Sabrina inexplicably trusting Spooky again,
16:37 when she could have used her own magic with no consequences.
16:41 So out of sadism, he creates unrealistically evil people to be amazing teammates for a baseball team,
16:47 who insist that they're the only ones who should get to play,
16:51 and should be treated by enough for their insecure selves to be comfortable with.
16:54 Why did this take more than a minute to happen if the spells were only backfiring because Spooky's a sadist?
16:59 Sabrina would have tried to brainwash them out of this right away, because she was fine with doing that too quickly.
17:04 She would have come to Spooky to undo the spell, because that always works, somehow, even though he's sadistic.
17:10 I guess he knows he'd be kicked out of the house otherwise.
17:13 It should have been explained that he warped away from the Spooky jar dimension,
17:18 because he wanted the spell to take longer to get undone, and that she visited Spooky again, but it was off-screen.
17:24 It's a very boring episode, because it's got way too much focus on a mundane activity I don't care about instead of magic,
17:31 and clearly the writer knew it wasn't interesting enough on its own,
17:34 because he wrote the characters to cheat without getting in trouble.
17:37 It's always predictable that Sabrina's team will win.
17:40 It's about teaching you that winning isn't everything.
17:43 Such an obvious message that the story is worthless,
17:47 and that even no kid who disagrees would actually be convinced.
17:50 She'd be just as miserable as she would from losing if better players forced her to sit the game out,
17:55 but that never happens to a kid in real life.
17:58 Sabrina's right to care about winning, because she's never gonna stop hating when Jem taunts her for losing.
18:03 Then don't play against Jem!
18:05 She can create fake people to compete with her for fun.
18:08 It's unfair of the episode to demonize her like it's victim-blaming, because she can't help it.
18:14 It's impossible not to hate that you lost to Jem.
18:16 It teaches you that you should just be glad you had fun in the game when she couldn't because her team sunk,
18:21 and that's not her fault.
18:23 It's her fault that she's choosing to play against Jem,
18:25 but I'm sure she doesn't have any other choice in terms of a team to compete with.
18:30 It taught us that winning isn't everything, and winning kept them from being banished.