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00:00 Sabrina the Animated Series, Episode 53.
00:03 Sabrina tells Harvey nice moves for skateboarding.
00:07 She says she appreciates him helping her with her book, so it's out of character and inexcusable of him to not help her.
00:14 He ends up obsessed with the cartoon, because the main character symbolizes the child inside all of us.
00:20 He says this can't be right, and says chickens can't play trombones because they don't have lips.
00:27 And he's upset that his favorite cartoon was cancelled.
00:30 Sabrina puts her hand on his shoulder.
00:32 He says goodbye, youth, just because of that.
00:36 At least when he's being clumsy breaking stuff in Sabrina's house, it was funny and harmless because Hilda could just create copies.
00:43 He's stupid in an annoying way.
00:45 And he reminds her that he likes pranks, like that one Sabrina comic, and shows her a bunch of stuff from his childhood.
00:53 He complains that one day he woke up and his imaginary friend disappeared.
00:57 That doesn't make sense.
00:59 I'm pretty sure even kids know that their imaginary friends don't exist, and that you consciously pretend that they do.
01:07 I can't help but feel uncomfortable that Sabrina casually sits on Quigley's lap while he's riding a lawnmower.
01:14 Sabrina says that imaginary friends show up when they're needed, and justifies that Harvey needs his friend Mortbeck.
01:21 Even though she's right there.
01:23 How does she not realize it's just gonna scare Harvey?
01:27 Why did it take that long for the ants to hide the spooky jar?
01:31 Why won't it be like this for the rest of the franchise?
01:34 And why did they ever tell Salem where it was put?
01:37 They should've known a guy who tried taking over the world couldn't be trusted.
01:41 Come to think of it, why didn't he just ask Spooky to make him ruler of the world?
01:47 That's something that could happen without him being found out, right? Because the idea is that witches aren't monitored?
01:53 I have to assume that he did ask that of Spooky, and he just gave him a dream about it where he regretted ruling the world.
02:02 So that's why he's not trying to take over the world anymore.
02:05 Why is she even considering using Spooky again?
02:08 She thanks him for the obviously cursed magical artifact she doesn't need,
02:14 and tells Harvey a blatant lie that at a certain time of the day, the person whose name Harvey screams will appear in front of him.
02:22 It's amusing that he repeatedly says "Jackie Chan".
02:26 It's silly though, because he should know it'd be wrong to freak him out and divert him from his busy schedule.
02:31 More often than not, I'm wondering why people think he's a nice guy.
02:35 He reasons with Sabrina that teens don't have imaginary friends.
02:39 Somehow this doesn't prevent the plot.
02:42 Also, why is he saying he's a teen when he's 12?
02:46 How insecure was Sabrina the whole time that she wasn't a good enough friend for Harvey, so he needed Mort?
02:52 He would've still gotten upset that his favorite cartoon got cancelled if Mort was there.
02:58 Mort suggests to him eating Pace, as he's happy the whole time that he's back.
03:03 Sabrina gets jealous right away when he walks away without Sabrina.
03:08 I guess he assumes that he's imagining Mort the whole time.
03:12 Nevermind. When Mort shaves Sabrina's head, he laughs.
03:16 Mort thankfully gives her her hair back.
03:19 At least the fact that Mort's hair prevents Jem from sitting next to Harvey.
03:23 He possesses her when she does that.
03:26 I like that he only talks with Mort's voice for a little bit before getting Jem's voice back.
03:32 Jem gets made to say she likes to sniff her armpits and stuff and people laugh.
03:37 Somehow the writer thought that making Sabrina tell him off for being mean was a good idea when this would only be written for catharsis.
03:45 And she's not above abusing magic on her either.
03:48 Harvey gets written ambivalent to say he doesn't have to worry about growing up, even though he would.
03:54 Because with Mort, he can have all the fun he wants, even though he should know growing up and having fun aren't mutually exclusive.
04:02 Harvey should have known better than to goof around in science class in front of the teacher.
04:07 Mort moves around a skeleton, making the classroom laugh, and then the skeleton dances in front of the kids.
04:13 This makes all of the kids run out of the room terrifying.
04:17 Somehow they weren't scared the minute it moved.
04:21 Sabrina says she'll lighten up when Harvey grows up.
04:24 Shouldn't he know that he won't pass science class and get to the next grade if he keeps this up?
04:29 He says to Mort that he'd better go to class.
04:32 And Mort says he double-dares him to do a bad thing, with the gibberish word in between the two words.
04:40 Mort is like a Flanderized version of Salem.
04:43 Mort convinces Harvey to get in trouble with the principal, so he gets told to scrub the wall clean with a toothbrush.
04:50 I feel like this would never happen nowadays because of how small the thing is.
04:55 Maybe this would have happened in an old 50s Archie comic.
04:59 Harvey finds out he's got Saturday detention, and Mort laughs, and Harvey asks him if he's crazy.
05:06 It took him that long to figure it out.
05:09 He would have known that he was evil to begin with because he's the one who thought of Mort.
05:14 He says they've got the entire day to spend together, but he thought he was going to get to do that every day as it is.
05:22 Then Mort possesses Sabrina to make her do something bad to get detention.
05:27 And she throws something at Mort, but somehow Mort doesn't disappear because it's not the end of the story yet.
05:33 This better at least be for the same reason Eiffel didn't vanish.
05:37 He's a sentient being who doesn't want to die yet, so I assume the Witch's Council cast a spell to protect people like him out of mercy.
05:44 Sabrina tells Harvey to please control his friend.
05:48 He tells him they can't keep acting like kids, but that just insults kids.
05:52 Clearly it's not normal for kids to act like evil pranksters.
05:56 And Mort starts crying because he doesn't like him anymore and accused them of seeing someone else.
06:01 And they think Pi is too overly attached to Harvey.
06:05 I never even saw it compared to this guy.
06:08 Harvey says he has to move on, and the show drags this out too long.
06:12 Harvey can't back out of a dare from him for some reason, even though he has no respect from him at this point.
06:18 Mort would be annoying for being too cartoony if he wasn't already used to this lame show.
06:23 Instead he's annoying for being a heartless psychopath.
06:26 He dares Harvey to drink a weak supply of cream spinach.
06:30 That wouldn't be possible, let alone in seconds.
06:33 He dares Harvey to kiss Sabrina.
06:36 He says "ew" and Sabrina says "ew" when I thought she was in love with him, because when he asked her to a movie, she instantly said yes.
06:44 Then the show cuts away from showing them kiss.
06:47 So what I thought was pandering was just a big "fuck you" to the people who shipped them.
06:52 Sabrina says she'll have nightmares.
06:54 I guess she's really against the idea of Harvey being forced to kiss her as opposed to wanting it.
07:01 He dares Mort to go away, and he does, even though I never felt like he gave a shit about what Harvey thought of him, because he kept screwing him over and acting like an idiot.
07:11 But apparently he doesn't care if he looks down on him for being a prankster or fun-loving, because he's proud of those traits.
07:18 But thanks to nothing is worse than being seen as a coward.
07:21 Why the fuck didn't he think to do this earlier?
07:24 Why didn't Sabrina think about that?
07:27 Harvey thinks he has to say sorry about the kiss, even though he felt forced to.
07:32 And eventually they shake hands, and the story wastes time until it ends.
07:37 This story is another idiot plot where Sabrina decides to bring Harvey's imaginary friend to life to make him stop whining about the fact that he's gonna grow up, just because the show he liked got cancelled.
07:48 She should've known he'd be just as upset about the show getting cancelled if Mort was there.
07:53 She could've asked Harvey questions about what Mort was like as basic conversation caused by her caring about him.
08:00 And then she'd have avoided the plot by realizing that Mort's evil and would ruin his life.
08:05 You'd think she'd have to ask those questions, because otherwise she and Spooky wouldn't be able to summon Mort accurately without knowing what he was like.
08:13 But apparently Spooky just had to tell his magic to scan Harvey's brain to find out.
08:19 At first I assumed she thought he was too embarrassed to tell her what Mort was like, because that'd be the case with most kids.
08:26 But he was fine with telling her he used to think his parents were aliens, so he has no shame around her.
08:32 Why did Sabrina trust Spooky again?
08:34 She and Salem acted like it was necessary for the plot to happen somehow.
08:39 And Sabrina couldn't get rid of Mort. I came up with a reason why it'd make sense anyways.
08:44 How convenient that despite Mort dying if he decides to leave Harvey, he's so desperate to not back down from a dare that he'll kill himself on a dare from him.
08:54 How is he so stupid? Then what took so long for Harvey to do this?
08:59 It's another episode demonizing magic and Mort was annoying us in most of it.
09:04 So I guess the lessons here were...
09:06 Don't ever carry out a dare, ever.
09:09 And don't bring someone's imaginary friend to life.
09:13 Sabrina the Animated Series, Episode 54.
09:18 Sabrina stands there proudly and a witch costume appears on her and she says to Salem she was first in her class at reigning frogs.
09:26 She has a class for that? I thought her aunts were homeschooling her in magic.
09:30 Salem gets abused and Sabrina says she'll need her magic book with a convoluted name and it appears to her.
09:37 So she reads about the story of Merlin.
09:40 She's belatably bored but Salem reveals when he could've easily not that Zelda has a real book by Merlin.
09:48 And she won't let anyone touch it because it's been autographed by Merlin.
09:52 If Salem's the type to stand firm with her on this, why did he even tell her about the book?
09:58 She says she brought them with tuna.
10:01 He sneezes and that somehow reduces the book to dust.
10:07 Somehow Sabrina says they're dead meat when clearly she and Salem could just point to fix the book.
10:13 Somehow these idiots think that the only person who could replace it is Merlin.
10:18 So Sabrina decides to go to the Middle Ages.
10:21 You could've just written it that Sabrina read Merlin's story and wanted to visit this place for fun.
10:28 They see a kid and predictably it's an ancestor of Harvey's friend Pi.
10:33 Who's somehow in medieval Europe even though he's actually Asian.
10:38 The whole appeal of this kind of thing is not seeing the annoying present characters.
10:43 This is so annoying. How did he look just like Pi?
10:47 He summons an anvil and it lands on his foot.
10:51 So that never happened.
10:53 Then he runs to them real fast and this time someone hears Salem talk from off screen.
10:59 Sabrina gets asked to teach him magic and she says she wants the old Merlin and predictably this is Merlin.
11:07 His father's somehow no magician. He runs a catapult.
11:12 How would a witch not be able to do that?
11:15 How did they accidentally go too far back in time?
11:18 They'd have read which period of time to go back to. Merlin would be hearing everything.
11:23 The next coach leaves hours from now.
11:26 Why doesn't she speed up time?
11:29 Sabrina in the 70's cartoon reversed time.
11:32 A magical time compass that actually lets them determine where to go would be pretty useful right about now.
11:38 Why the hell do we see Harvey's ancestor too?
11:41 How does he look the same as him?
11:44 Harvey's descended from the mythical King Arthur.
11:48 It's nice that Merlin's put his hand on his shoulder.
11:51 At least I can compliment that it's creative to show off Merlin when he was younger.
11:55 But it's appeal is destroyed by him having the same design and annoying voice as Pi anyways.
12:01 He tells Sabrina to pull his sleeve and a cheesy magic trick is done.
12:07 He wonders if his dad's right that he should go into the family business instead.
12:12 Why would Merlin have been a half witch when we were told half witches are weaker and Merlin's the most famous witch?
12:18 This story is nothing but contrived writing.
12:21 Even Gemma's descended from a witch.
12:23 She was staring into a crystal ball to spy on Sabrina for some reason because she wanted Excalibur.
12:29 Why doesn't she zap the sword to her?
12:32 She even has access to Spooky.
12:34 It's cool she even turns into a black bird but come on.
12:38 It's possible but what are the chances that two people Sabrina knows are descended from witches?
12:44 Now we get to the good part of the episode.
12:47 Sabrina summons a big ham in front of Arthur to eat.
12:51 It's entertaining and satisfying that Sabrina's shown off as a good witch the whole episode.
12:56 Merlin turns Salem into a ham and then an ostrich.
13:00 Why does it keep Salem's head the same the whole time?
13:03 Sabrina returns Salem to normal.
13:06 Gem talks and Sabrina would hear her because she's not half deaf.
13:11 Why doesn't Gem use magic to bring the sword to her telekinetically?
13:15 Sabrina uses magic to make Arthur pull the sword out.
13:19 I assume that she thinks it's good to change the course of history like this because she wants Harvey to have a better bloodline to make his life better.
13:26 Or better yet she assumes he was always destined to pull the sword out and she sped it up.
13:31 Gem returns to normal and she's finally got Slugloaf as her minion.
13:36 What took so long?
13:38 They've got so much in common.
13:40 The two get caught in a net and fall.
13:42 If she hates him, why will she keep him around instead of zapping up a better minion?
13:48 Why is this plot dragging on instead of just warping the sword to her?
13:52 She needs to explain the sword's immune to magic.
13:55 Then she'd still just use magic to kill these guys or warp them to torture chambers.
14:01 A tree falls on Gem and Slugloaf and I wonder why they survive.
14:06 Sabrina uses magic again and says the meat smells great.
14:10 Why is Quigley's ancestor here?
14:13 So he's the father of Merlin when Merlin is the ancestor of Pine.
14:18 Gem shows up disguised as a servant and calls it a work-study program.
14:22 Arthur ingeniously cuts the meat with his sword and a tablecloth is used to blind them so that the sword can be stolen.
14:30 Sabrina makes a rock grow to make him trip and drop it.
14:34 She's Arthur's half-sister apparently.
14:37 Merlin uses magic and then sends a ham at Arthur so Gem gets away.
14:42 There's no way in hell he'd be this worthless because he'd have to imagine things to make them happen.
14:48 Merlin considers quitting magic and working with his dad even though he hates doing so.
14:53 Why doesn't he realize he could get a different job?
14:56 Sabrina's proactive enough to do something again for once,
14:59 using magic to warp him to the broom and fly and make it rain frogs on Gem in a check of skun,
15:06 causing her to somehow wait long enough that she gets tickled into dropping the sword.
15:11 She would have just warped home the instant she got the sword.
15:14 Arthur gets the sword back and Sabrina gets sent away and grabbed by a talking tree and eaten.
15:20 She says her magic will get her out of the cage and Gem says it's an enchanted cage.
15:25 I always liked that the show used the word "enchanted" to mean "immune to magic" like I always thought.
15:32 Why didn't Spooky just warp the sword to Gem?
15:35 I never did catch Gem's name in this timeline so I didn't get it.
15:39 Don't make it look that way if you don't want us to call her that.
15:42 Why is Sabrina being used as the damsel in distress when the whole episode had been about betraying her as cool as she's supposed to be?
15:49 Eventually, Arthur goes in front of Gem and the suits of armor get brought to life,
15:54 so Arthur attacks them and then steps on something and falls.
15:58 Merlin summons an anvil and it somehow lands on Arthur's head which would kill him.
16:03 Merlin somehow does nothing while he's brought to the wall and chained to it.
16:08 Zelda once melted an ice block she was trapped in so you don't need to move to use magic.
16:13 The sword's power is useless to Gem while Arthur is still alive.
16:17 So Gem plans to pull a lever to lower Arthur and Sabrina into lava.
16:22 She's getting upset to a cursed dimension.
16:25 But isn't it obvious she wouldn't be able to use the sword if he was still alive?
16:31 Merlin turns into a dragon and smacks over the cage and Gem goes into the cursed dimension in all of the commotion.
16:39 I have to assume now that the nature of the portal is that it's impossible for her to fly back up to escape it,
16:45 and when you go into it, you can't go back through it the same way you came.
16:49 Still, why can't Gem warp right back here?
16:53 I have to assume the cursed dimension makes it impossible to use magic when you're in it.
16:58 Arthur rides off with an ancestor of Sabrina's.
17:01 I bet nobody complained that this made Harvey and Sabrina an incest chip.
17:06 So people picking on Knuckles and Julie Sue are just jumping at an excuse to be mean.
17:11 Sabrina goes home with the new book and it instantly crumbles to dust even though she just got it,
17:18 so it wouldn't have gotten the chance to become so aged.
17:21 So it was always like this.
17:23 But then the only way Zelda would have ever gotten the first book in the bookshelf without destroying it was by teleportation.
17:29 Why would you make the whole episode pointless?
17:32 Especially when it was stated that Zelda would ground Sabrina for an abusively long time for ruining her pointless book that's just there for decoration now because she's selfish.
17:43 It should end with them zapping up a copy of the book.
17:47 But thankfully the episode as a whole was so harmless after Sabrina started teaching him magic that I don't mind the ending being bad,
17:55 because the story was worth it.
17:58 Just because of how badly Sabrina's portrayed most of the show,
18:02 it really does have a huge impression that she's competent for such a long time.
18:07 So this is one of the best episodes of the show,
18:10 even if it just transfers the fourth's incompetence to Merlin, so it's still consistently annoying and contrived.
18:17 But as usual, the whole plot is insultingly contrived.
18:21 This time because gems' witch ancestor would have just warped the sword to her.
18:26 And if the idea is that it's immune to magic,
18:29 she still would have just warped them to enchanted torture chambers that are lowering into the cursed dimension portal she conveniently had.
18:36 The plot out of flames the excuse because Sabrina Salem would have zapped up a new copy of Merlin's book when it somehow crumbled on touch,
18:44 considering that Sabrina had no trouble summoning whatever she wants in this episode.
18:49 Even going off the episode's logic that they can't summon a new book,
18:53 and that they're too smart now to trust Spooky to make one.
18:57 Why didn't they use the time travel compass to go back in time for the book
19:01 instead of using a method where they'd have to wait hours to get to go home?
19:05 Because somehow they think they can't just warp back to the present themselves.
19:10 Sadly, I have to just assume that the reason she doesn't simply go back in time to before the book was destroyed and told her past self,
19:18 "Don't touch it because it'd crumble," is that she'd come back to see the book destroyed anyways.
19:24 Because if she got rid of the whole reason for why she went back in time,
19:28 she'd make it so that the future version of her past self would never go back in time to do it.
19:33 Undoing what she did.
19:35 She could get around that by creating a sentient being and telling him to do this for her.
19:42 It's also forced that they accidentally went back in time to when Merlin was an incompetent kid,
19:47 when they would've looked at the years until they got the book as a basis.
19:51 Knock on off Salem's hazy memory.
19:54 And again, Jem's an idiot.
19:56 Especially since I have no idea why she thought her having the magical sword would make any difference whatsoever in her life,
20:04 when she's already omnipotent.
20:06 If the idea is that she needs the sword to be elected the ruler,
20:10 that's so flimsy because we know witches can effortlessly brainwash.
20:14 So she'd have just brainwashed the people into making her ruler.
20:18 So she'd have already experienced the exhausting work of running a country with no idea what she's doing.
20:23 Where she'd have to read through every law it has.
20:26 If all she wants is to be pampered and famous, she would've just used magic to make that happen by now.
20:32 Also, where are her parents? Why aren't they preventing the plot?
20:36 I assumed they were dead from the start.
20:39 But that doesn't justify it because she still would've been sent foster parents to look after her.
20:44 And if she got rid of them, then when someone got sent to check up on her, she'd have been turned into a cat for it.
20:51 It's only fantastic compared to all the other episodes of the show.
20:55 Because Sabrina was awesome and it doesn't demonize magic.
20:58 And while she was scared by the end, magic saved her life anyways.
21:03 I'd take a plot being forced for a relatively light-hearted story that respects its main character.
21:08 Even if it had no excuse for having the people of the past look like Sabrina's annoying companions,
21:14 ruining the immersion.
21:16 But I want to feel honest in saying that it's actually a good episode when compared to all the other good episodes of the show.
21:22 Because there's only one thing that's genuinely good episode worthy about it.
21:27 It's just that I wouldn't be surprised if, among all the other good episodes of the show,
21:33 this had Sabrina be awesome with her magic for the longest amount of time.