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00:00:00 [sound of train]
00:00:10 This is the West End of London.
00:00:14 Since the 17th century, theatres here have been housing great plays,
00:00:19 great productions, and great performances.
00:00:23 Here were the first nights of such plays as School for Scandal,
00:00:28 Charlie's Aunt, and St. Joan.
00:00:31 Here in recent years began the careers of such actors as
00:00:35 Noel Coward, Sir Lawrence Olivier, and Peter O'Toole.
00:00:41 Here have been maintained the brightest traditions of the theatre.
00:00:46 On May 10th, 1961, four young men burst onto this scene.
00:00:52 Coming up from Oxford and Cambridge Universities,
00:00:55 they made history on that opening night.
00:00:58 They were the authors and entire company of a small review
00:01:03 that took a wild and wonderful look at the world around them.
00:01:09 Tonight, we present the final performance of that production,
00:01:14 a production that began here, in London's West End.
00:01:21 [sound of train]
00:01:27 [music]
00:01:29 Tonight, we present a gala farewell performance of the famous
00:01:32 London and Broadway review, Beyond the Fringe,
00:01:36 with the original cast of Alan Bennett,
00:01:42 Peter Cook,
00:01:46 Jonathan Miller,
00:01:50 and Dudley Moore.
00:01:53 [music]
00:02:02 [applause]
00:02:13 [music]
00:02:23 [music]
00:02:38 [music]
00:02:54 [applause]
00:02:56 Very good, Buffy. You've almost got it.
00:02:58 When are you off to America?
00:03:00 I'm going in the next couple of days, actually,
00:03:02 so I thought I'd better brush up my Star Spangled Banner.
00:03:05 Well, you have to. You have to be able to play that,
00:03:08 otherwise they won't give you a visa.
00:03:10 Tell her bless Sticky about that.
00:03:12 Toscanini waited for years and years.
00:03:15 Mind you, you can see their point of view.
00:03:17 If they didn't have these regulations, any old riffraff could get in.
00:03:20 Yes. They've got a lot of riffraff there already, haven't they?
00:03:24 That's the first thing that will strike you.
00:03:27 The riffraff, you mean?
00:03:29 No, Buffy, the first thing that will strike you about the Americans
00:03:31 is they're not English.
00:03:32 Of course they're not English, they're American.
00:03:34 What I mean is they're not English, they're not of English stock.
00:03:36 I mean, you only have to look at the names.
00:03:38 Lifkovitz, Ribblevitz, Vaseline, those aren't English names.
00:03:41 [laughter]
00:03:43 They used to be.
00:03:44 No, they never were.
00:03:45 I mean, they used to be very good English stock there.
00:03:48 Anglo-Saxons.
00:03:49 Puritan.
00:03:50 Exactly, yes. The Statue of Liberty had started the rot.
00:03:53 How was that?
00:03:54 Well, you see, they put out the statue, and I mean, it's a lovely statue.
00:03:58 Oh, it's a lovely statue.
00:03:59 It's a beautiful statue.
00:04:01 [laughter]
00:04:03 And the idealistic Johnny went and inscribed on the bottom
00:04:06 all this business about, "Give me your poor, your huddled mercies."
00:04:11 Well, of course, people did.
00:04:13 [laughter]
00:04:15 The huddled mercies leapt at the opportunity.
00:04:18 They came over in droves.
00:04:20 Bred like rabbits, died like flies.
00:04:22 And spread like wildfire. The whole place was swamped.
00:04:25 Isn't there a very serious colour problem over there?
00:04:28 Yes, there is, but you won't have any difficulty.
00:04:31 [laughter]
00:04:33 I think there is a very real danger of seeing the colour problem
00:04:36 simply in terms of black and white.
00:04:37 It is a lot more complicated than that.
00:04:39 But I gather the Negroes are sweeping the country.
00:04:42 Yes, so they are. It's about the only job they can get.
00:04:45 [laughter]
00:04:47 Very well, they do it too.
00:04:48 They're sweeping the border.
00:04:50 Sweepers, sweepers.
00:04:52 And what's all this black muslin I hear they're wearing?
00:04:55 [laughter]
00:04:58 No, Buffy, they're not wearing it. They're joining it.
00:05:01 It's a movement rather than a cloth.
00:05:04 Of course, Buffy, one thing you will notice about America
00:05:06 is that it's a very young country.
00:05:08 Rather like Ghana in that respect.
00:05:10 [laughter]
00:05:11 Of course, they have inherited our two-party system, haven't they?
00:05:15 How does that work?
00:05:16 Well, let me see now.
00:05:17 They've got the Republican Party, you'll see,
00:05:20 which is the equivalent of our Conservative Party.
00:05:22 And then there's the Democratic Party,
00:05:24 which is the equivalent of our Conservative Party, I think.
00:05:27 And then, of course, there are the Liberals
00:05:29 in the shape of people like, um...
00:05:32 Well, the shape of...
00:05:34 Yes.
00:05:35 [laughter]
00:05:36 Are the Liberals Democrats or Republicans?
00:05:39 Yes.
00:05:40 [laughter]
00:05:41 I mean, as is convenient for them.
00:05:43 I see, yes.
00:05:44 Of course, you know, the Americans must be
00:05:46 frightfully jealous of our royal family, right?
00:05:49 [murmuring]
00:05:51 Except there is a sense in which the Queen is the President
00:05:55 and the Prime Minister all rolled into one.
00:05:57 One what?
00:05:58 Exactly.
00:05:59 [laughter]
00:06:00 That's the whole dilemma of the American Constitution.
00:06:03 Mind you, I think he's doing an awfully good job.
00:06:05 A very cultivated fellow, too.
00:06:07 Very cultivated.
00:06:08 Yes, I understand he's taking steps to federalise the avant-garde.
00:06:11 [murmuring]
00:06:12 What an exciting concept.
00:06:15 Of course, Puffy, one thing you will notice
00:06:17 about the Americans, godless,
00:06:18 and that's that they're terribly naive about sex.
00:06:21 In what way?
00:06:22 Exactly.
00:06:23 [laughter]
00:06:26 They're terribly naive about it.
00:06:28 I mean, they think of sex in terms of beautiful,
00:06:31 blonde women with huge breasts and pink skin and blue eyes.
00:06:36 Pathetic.
00:06:37 Pathetic.
00:06:38 [laughter]
00:06:40 Absolutely pathetic.
00:06:42 [laughter]
00:06:44 How do you think of sex?
00:06:46 I don't, actually.
00:06:48 At least I try not to.
00:06:50 Otherwise I start thinking of beautiful, blonde women
00:06:53 with huge breasts and pink skin.
00:06:56 Pathetic.
00:06:57 Yes, yes.
00:06:58 Pathetic.
00:06:59 Of course, you have to admire the Americans, you know.
00:07:01 They really do have something to believe in, you see.
00:07:04 They really do believe in anti-communism.
00:07:06 God, I wish we had a positive faith like that in England.
00:07:10 [laughter]
00:07:13 Times of stress.
00:07:14 Yes.
00:07:15 Isn't there a lot of poverty over there?
00:07:17 There is, but luckily it's all been concentrated in the slum areas.
00:07:21 [laughter]
00:07:23 It's beautifully done.
00:07:25 You'll scarcely notice it.
00:07:27 [laughter]
00:07:28 Where are you going in America?
00:07:30 I'm going to New York first.
00:07:32 Well, of course, you must remember, New York isn't America.
00:07:35 What is it then?
00:07:36 New York is New York, but it's not America.
00:07:39 It's not America.
00:07:40 If you want to see America, you ought to go to the South.
00:07:42 The South's charming, but it's not America.
00:07:44 It's not America, no, sir.
00:07:46 Washington, of course.
00:07:47 Then that's got a certain sort of Parisian atmosphere.
00:07:49 It's certainly not America.
00:07:51 It's not America.
00:07:52 Of course, Los Angeles is fascinating, but it's not America any more than San Francisco,
00:07:56 and that's not America.
00:07:58 Here's the West, of course.
00:07:59 Now, that's very exciting.
00:08:00 Very exciting.
00:08:01 It's not America.
00:08:02 It's not America.
00:08:03 Then there's the North.
00:08:04 North America, but that's Canada.
00:08:06 I mean, it's not America.
00:08:08 Not America.
00:08:09 [laughter]
00:08:11 Where is America?
00:08:12 [laughter]
00:08:13 The Cape, I think.
00:08:15 It's in Massachusetts.
00:08:16 That's just a little bit of England.
00:08:18 That's America.
00:08:20 [applause]
00:08:35 No, I won't get on first round, thank you very much.
00:08:37 Excuse me, a tea?
00:08:39 Yes, please.
00:08:40 Milk and sugar, and a couple of slices of fruit cake.
00:08:42 No, is this tea?
00:08:44 This is tea, low tea.
00:08:46 [laughter]
00:08:48 Sorry, I thought I asked if I wanted a cup of tea.
00:08:50 Yes, this is tea one, two, and three.
00:08:53 I'm tea two.
00:08:54 I'm tea three.
00:08:55 Excuse me.
00:08:56 I'm very sorry coming in late like this.
00:08:58 I couldn't get hold of a taxi, and I dislike it this time of night.
00:09:00 Absolutely ghastly.
00:09:01 Absolutely ghastly.
00:09:02 Absolutely ghastly.
00:09:04 It's ghastly.
00:09:05 Isn't it ghastly?
00:09:06 Absolutely ghastly.
00:09:07 It is ghastly, yes.
00:09:09 Ghastly business.
00:09:11 Of course, you know, you've only missed about three and a half minutes of the overture.
00:09:15 It's a seven and a half minute overture, actually.
00:09:18 You've seen the show before, have you?
00:09:20 Oh, yes, yes, I've seen this show.
00:09:22 Let me see now.
00:09:24 Three hundred and...
00:09:26 No, wait a minute, I'll tell a lie.
00:09:29 237 times.
00:09:31 237 times?
00:09:33 It must be some sort of a record.
00:09:35 Are you that fond of the show?
00:09:36 Oh, no, no, it's not my sort of show at all, really.
00:09:39 Keep coming.
00:09:40 Well, you see, it's the Royal Family.
00:09:42 Are they in some way connected?
00:09:44 No, no, no.
00:09:45 Now, you see, I read in the newspapers that the Royal Family was planning a visit to this theatre.
00:09:50 You see, so naturally I came along.
00:09:54 Now, you see up there?
00:09:56 Yes.
00:09:57 That is what they call the Royal Box.
00:10:00 That's the Royal Box, is it?
00:10:01 That is the Royal Box, yes.
00:10:03 The Royal Box.
00:10:04 That's right.
00:10:05 Have you seen it, sir?
00:10:06 That's the Royal Box.
00:10:08 That is where your crowned heads will sit when they come to the theatre.
00:10:13 The Royal Box.
00:10:14 Yes, yes, yes.
00:10:15 He's got it, hasn't he?
00:10:16 I think we all have, yes.
00:10:18 But I think, I don't know if you've noticed, there's no royalty in it.
00:10:24 Yes, I had noticed that.
00:10:26 You noticed that.
00:10:27 You're very quick, you know.
00:10:29 You see, there's no royal people there at all.
00:10:31 None.
00:10:32 There is no royal personage actually gracing the Royal Box.
00:10:37 Unless, of course, they're crouching.
00:10:40 [laughter]
00:10:45 But, I mean, that wouldn't be royalty, would it?
00:10:49 Not crouching, no.
00:10:51 No, not on the crouch.
00:10:53 Not actually on the crouch.
00:10:54 They don't go in for that very much.
00:10:56 They have people to do that for them.
00:10:59 [laughter]
00:11:01 Isn't there a regimen called the Royal Crouchers?
00:11:05 [laughter]
00:11:07 The Royal Bengal Crouchers, yes.
00:11:10 A fine body of men.
00:11:12 Oh, fine body of crouch.
00:11:14 Wonderful crouching.
00:11:15 How did they get their name?
00:11:16 It was their uniform that did it, actually.
00:11:18 Oh, I see.
00:11:19 It was a special crouching uniform, was it?
00:11:21 It wasn't designed that way, but part of the accoutrements of the uniform
00:11:24 were ceremonial medals which hung from the chest
00:11:27 and ceremonial garters which they wore about their thighs.
00:11:30 And occasionally the medals used to catch up in the garters.
00:11:33 [laughter]
00:11:35 Forcing them into posizione cruciate,
00:11:38 [laughter]
00:11:40 the traditional crouching position.
00:11:42 Wasn't Queen Victoria passing by at the time?
00:11:46 She was.
00:11:47 One of them got into this crouching predicament,
00:11:50 and she liked what she saw.
00:11:52 [laughter]
00:11:53 I like that. Keep it.
00:11:55 And they've been crouching ever since.
00:11:57 It's one of the last instances of the use of the royal prerogative.
00:12:00 Is it?
00:12:01 It is, yes.
00:12:02 Queen Victoria used the royal prerogative a great deal, didn't she?
00:12:06 Did she?
00:12:07 Yes, she did.
00:12:08 I think some people would say she overused it.
00:12:10 Would they?
00:12:11 They would, yes.
00:12:12 Yes, I think others would say she underused it.
00:12:14 Yes.
00:12:15 I think most people would say absolutely nothing at all.
00:12:18 [laughter]
00:12:19 Yes, I think that's me, actually.
00:12:21 [laughter]
00:12:23 It's not a burning issue anymore, really, is it?
00:12:25 No, not anymore.
00:12:26 But, of course you know, I was here last Tuesday.
00:12:29 Now, have a guess who I saw.
00:12:30 I have no idea who you saw.
00:12:31 Go on, have a guess who I saw.
00:12:32 You haven't the remotest interest in who you saw.
00:12:34 I'll go on, play.
00:12:36 [laughter]
00:12:37 Oh, well, never mind. I'll tell you anyway.
00:12:39 I saw the Duchess of Glastonbury.
00:12:42 [laughter]
00:12:43 The Duchess of Glastonbury, eh?
00:12:45 Whoopee. Lucky old you.
00:12:47 [laughter]
00:12:48 But, of course, she's not what you'd call a regal person, is she?
00:12:51 She's not what I'd call a regal person, no.
00:12:53 She's a noble person rather than regal.
00:12:55 She's noble, yes.
00:12:56 She's not regal.
00:12:57 No, she's not regal.
00:12:58 She's noble, then, isn't she?
00:12:59 Yes, she isn't regal.
00:13:00 She's not regal.
00:13:01 No, she's noble.
00:13:02 That's good enough, isn't it?
00:13:03 Of course you know she's a wonderfully preserved woman.
00:13:06 You know, she's 84.
00:13:08 Is she 84?
00:13:09 She doesn't look it.
00:13:10 She looks about 79.
00:13:11 [laughter]
00:13:13 I don't know what you're asking.
00:13:15 Must be one of the last instances of the use of the Royal Preservative.
00:13:19 [laughter]
00:13:21 What is that?
00:13:22 Is that some special cream they wear on themselves?
00:13:25 What is that?
00:13:26 No, it's a joke.
00:13:27 [laughter]
00:13:32 A joke?
00:13:33 Yeah.
00:13:34 You were making a joke?
00:13:36 Yes, I made a joke.
00:13:38 A humorous thing?
00:13:39 Mm.
00:13:40 Oh, I see.
00:13:41 Well, um, ha ha ha.
00:13:43 [laughter]
00:13:44 Jolly good.
00:13:45 Glad you enjoyed it.
00:13:46 I always enjoy a good joke as soon as I know about it.
00:13:48 [laughter]
00:13:50 I'll give you a bit more warning next time.
00:13:52 [laughter]
00:13:53 That's another joke, is it?
00:13:54 No, that's irony.
00:13:55 Oh, yes.
00:13:57 [laughter]
00:13:58 Then, of course, there's sarcasm, which is normally followed by a punch up the throat.
00:14:03 [laughter]
00:14:04 Yes, I don't care for that one.
00:14:06 No, it's not so good.
00:14:07 No.
00:14:08 But, of course, you know, I am hoping against hope that one night the Royal Family will turn up here
00:14:16 and make my having to sit through this rotten awful show every night worthwhile.
00:14:21 Do you really mean to say you spend 15 shillings every night just on the off chance you may catch a glimpse of the Royal Family?
00:14:27 Well, they're not worth a pound.
00:14:29 [laughter]
00:14:32 [applause]
00:14:41 The time, the time is seven o'clock.
00:14:44 By the grace of God and the British Broadcasting Corporation, we bring you Always on a Sunday,
00:14:49 a program of religion on the move.
00:14:52 Let there be light.
00:14:54 [music]
00:15:16 All right, all right, hang on.
00:15:17 Hang on.
00:15:18 Hang on.
00:15:19 [laughter]
00:15:21 That looked as if it really had my feet tapping.
00:15:23 Now, let's get down to God.
00:15:25 [laughter]
00:15:26 God, God, who is he?
00:15:28 Where is he?
00:15:29 And above all, why is he?
00:15:31 And, of course, why is he above all?
00:15:33 [laughter]
00:15:37 If you've got any questions, you'd like to fire off about God, don't you?
00:15:40 Yes, call Vicar.
00:15:41 Oh, now, don't call me Vicar.
00:15:42 Call me Dick.
00:15:43 That's the sort of Vicar I am.
00:15:45 [laughter]
00:15:51 Er, yes, well, Dick, er.
00:15:55 [laughter]
00:15:59 One thing has always been a great mystery to me, and that is the exact age of the Almighty.
00:16:05 I mean, how old is God?
00:16:07 [laughter]
00:16:10 How old is God?
00:16:11 How old is God?
00:16:12 God, how old is he?
00:16:13 Oh, God, how is he?
00:16:14 [laughter]
00:16:16 That's very good.
00:16:17 Jolly good, yes, good.
00:16:18 Jolly good, good, yes.
00:16:20 Good God.
00:16:21 [laughter]
00:16:23 Well, it isn't really a question of age with God, you see, do you?
00:16:26 Because, you see, God is ageless.
00:16:28 That's to say, he's age old.
00:16:29 He's old age, isn't it?
00:16:31 In fact, God is exactly the same as you or I.
00:16:34 And that's the message I'm trying to get across to you youngsters
00:16:37 down at my little Dockland parish of St. Jack in the Lifeboat.
00:16:41 You see, I think we've got to get right away from this stuffy old idea of thinking of God as something holy or divine.
00:16:49 Once we can do that, once we can do that, we'll get you youngsters flooding back into the churches.
00:16:54 I know that for sure.
00:16:55 [laughter]
00:16:56 Alan, hello there, Alan.
00:16:57 Hello, Alan.
00:16:58 Come on, Alan, tell me, is there anything in the Bible which actually puts you off religion?
00:17:03 Yes, there is actually.
00:17:04 [inaudible]
00:17:06 Alan, do you mind?
00:17:07 Can we leave Locke's wife till later?
00:17:09 [laughter]
00:17:10 Thank you very much.
00:17:12 During my studies of the good work, Dicker, I was very shocked by all the cruelty and violence in the New Testament.
00:17:20 In the New Testament?
00:17:21 Yes.
00:17:22 I knew there was some rough and tumble in the old, but I always thought the new was rather mild.
00:17:26 No, I thought there were some ghastly bits in it.
00:17:28 No, there weren't.
00:17:29 Take, for example, the horrible case of shoving a needle up the eye of a camel.
00:17:35 [laughter]
00:17:38 Frankly, Dicker, that to me is taking unfair advantage of a dumb animal.
00:17:45 A dumb camel.
00:17:46 A dumb camel, thank you, Peter, I stand corrected.
00:17:49 It's a ghastly sight, the ship of the desert standing there with a needle up his eye.
00:17:55 [laughter]
00:17:56 And if you ask me, that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
00:18:00 There you go, Scott.
00:18:01 Thank you very much.
00:18:02 So, I think we're putting words into God's mouth here, and I think we can turn a blind eye on the whole affair.
00:18:08 After all, the camel had to, I adjure you.
00:18:10 [laughter]
00:18:13 I am very grateful to you, Dudley, for bringing this up, because it does bring me to the whole problem of teenage violence in general.
00:18:19 Now, there's been an awful lot of Tommy Rotts spoken about juvenile and teenage violence,
00:18:22 because I think we can actually use this violence and channel it towards God.
00:18:27 In fact, it's my aim to get this violence off the streets and into the churches where it belongs.
00:18:33 [laughter]
00:18:34 In the old days, people used to think of the saints as pious old milk sacks.
00:18:39 Well, they weren't, they weren't.
00:18:40 The old saints were rough, toothless, as you were.
00:18:44 They were tough, ruthless terrorists.
00:18:46 [laughter]
00:18:47 Who knew where they were going.
00:18:48 Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John went to life with their heads screwed on.
00:18:52 Went outside with nothing on, had a bath in the mini-tron.
00:18:55 Thank you very much.
00:18:56 [laughter]
00:18:57 That's a little rhyme we all sing, and with these principles firmly in mind,
00:19:02 we've now got ourselves a young, vigorous church, where youngsters like yourselves can come in off the streets,
00:19:07 pick up a chick, jive in the aisles, and really have yourselves a ball.
00:19:11 The result is, we are playing to packed houses every night.
00:19:15 Except, of course, for Sunday, when we are forced to close our doors,
00:19:19 because of the Lord's Day Observance Society.
00:19:22 [applause]
00:19:35 [music]
00:19:43 T.E. Lawrence, The Man and the Milk.
00:19:48 Which is man, and which is milk?
00:19:52 Is this fact, or is it lies?
00:19:56 What is truth, and what is fable?
00:20:00 Where is Ruth, and where is Mabel?
00:20:03 [laughter]
00:20:05 To some of these questions, I hope to be able to provide the answer.
00:20:11 No one who knew T.E. Lawrence as I did, barely at all,
00:20:16 [laughter]
00:20:17 could fail but to be deeply impressed by him.
00:20:21 It is given to few men to become, as he did, a legend in his own lifetime.
00:20:27 It was in pursuit of that legend, that I first sought him out, in June of 1933,
00:20:34 at his cottage at Clouds Hill in Dorset.
00:20:38 It was a simple cottage, but I thought I detected Lawrence's hand
00:20:43 in the rough whitewashed wall, the stout paved doorstep,
00:20:48 and the rough oak door, upon which I knocked lightly.
00:20:52 It was opened, it was opened by a small, rather unprepossessing figure,
00:20:58 slight of frame, fair-haired, with the ruddy, gleaming face of a schoolboy.
00:21:05 It was a schoolboy.
00:21:08 [laughter]
00:21:10 I had come to the wrong house.
00:21:12 [laughter]
00:21:15 I knew of Lawrence, of course, from his exploits in Syria,
00:21:20 where he was attached, though none too deeply, to the British expeditionary force.
00:21:26 Speaking fluent Sanskrit, he and his boon companion,
00:21:32 his Arab body-servant, an unmade Bedouin of great beauty,
00:21:37 [laughter]
00:21:43 they wreaked havoc among the Turkish levies.
00:21:46 "Orenz," the Arabs called him, for they are unable to pronounce "elves,"
00:21:52 as distinct from the Chinese, who can pronounce little "else."
00:21:57 It is interesting, though fruitless to speculate, that had fate taken him to China,
00:22:03 he would have been known as "Lawrence."
00:22:06 [laughter]
00:22:10 However, that is by the way.
00:22:14 [laughter]
00:22:18 Shaw, or Ross, as Lawrence then called himself,
00:22:22 [laughter]
00:22:25 returned from the East in 1919.
00:22:28 Shyness had always been a disease with him,
00:22:31 and it was shyness and a longing for anonymity that made him disguise himself,
00:22:36 clad in the magnificent white silk robes of an Arab prince.
00:22:41 [laughter]
00:22:43 With in his belt the short, curved gold sword of the Ashraf descendants of the Prophet,
00:22:48 he hoped to pass unnoticed through London.
00:22:52 [laughter]
00:22:54 Alas, he was mistaken.
00:22:56 "Who am I?" he would cry despairingly.
00:22:59 "You are Lawrence of Arabia," passes by, stopping himself.
00:23:04 "And I claim my five pounds."
00:23:07 [laughter]
00:23:13 For a while he sought refuge in academic seclusion as a fellow of all sales at Oxford.
00:23:19 Here he could mix on equal terms with some of the greatest men of his age.
00:23:25 But, as Robert Graves has pointed out, he could not bear to be touched,
00:23:30 so that even to rub shoulders with the great filled him with deep loathing.
00:23:34 One hesitates to talk of Lawrence and his body, for they were inseparable.
00:23:40 [laughter]
00:23:42 He feared his body as a savage fears the night.
00:23:45 His body was a wild beast to be tamed and cowed into submission.
00:23:50 By the time I first knew him, it had been beaten and tanned to the texture of an old whip.
00:23:57 [laughter]
00:23:58 There have been those, there have been those, as there always are those,
00:24:02 who have said that there was something feminine about his makeup.
00:24:06 But there is nothing essentially feminine about makeup.
00:24:10 [laughter]
00:24:15 His was always so discreet.
00:24:17 [laughter]
00:24:18 One incident comes back to me now.
00:24:21 In common room one night at All Souls, I remember,
00:24:24 the conversation had turned to the origins of the First World War
00:24:29 and its relation to the vexed question of homosexuality.
00:24:33 I saw Lawrence lean forward.
00:24:35 "I am not opposed to homosexuality per se," he said quietly, "only per me."
00:24:42 [laughter]
00:24:43 There was a murmur of agreement and the subject was dropped.
00:24:47 [laughter]
00:24:48 But can one ever forget him, those china blue eyes,
00:24:52 that boyish, almost girlish figure,
00:24:55 and that silly, silly giggle.
00:24:58 The boys at his school had called him T. He. Lawrence.
00:25:02 [laughter]
00:25:04 And always, at the back of his hand or at the back of his mind,
00:25:09 there was that greedy snigger.
00:25:11 [applause]
00:25:17 Well, anyway, I said to him, I said, "Do you do vests in mauve?"
00:25:21 And he said, "No, we don't do vests in mauve."
00:25:23 So I said to him, very sharply, I said, "Don't do vests in mauve?"
00:25:26 And he said, "No."
00:25:27 So I had to settle for the green, the Lincoln green.
00:25:29 It made me mad, I can tell you, I was livid.
00:25:31 Never mind, you look lovely in green.
00:25:33 You look like a spring onion.
00:25:35 [laughter]
00:25:36 Hello, what have we got today, Arthur?
00:25:38 Surprise, surprise.
00:25:40 [laughter]
00:25:42 Today we've got bollard.
00:25:44 Bollard, whoops, sounds exciting. What is it?
00:25:46 Cigarette.
00:25:47 Oh, ciggy-wiggies.
00:25:49 [laughter]
00:25:51 Hello, men.
00:25:53 [laughter]
00:26:00 I'm so sorry I'm late, I got held up at the hairdresser.
00:26:04 Oh, I was so worried about it, I can't tell you.
00:26:07 He was going on and on, I said, "Ricky, darling, stop, dear, you'll ruin it."
00:26:12 Do you like it?
00:26:13 Yes, I think he's done a lovely job.
00:26:15 How does he?
00:26:16 You can scarcely see where it joins.
00:26:18 [laughter]
00:26:22 Hello.
00:26:24 [laughter]
00:26:28 You know, you look rather like Robin Hood today.
00:26:31 Mm, twang.
00:26:33 [laughter]
00:26:38 Here.
00:26:39 What?
00:26:40 Have you seen what I've seen?
00:26:41 What's that then?
00:26:42 Cyril, what a lovely tie you're sporting.
00:26:44 It is a lovely tie, isn't it? It's the new colour, you know.
00:26:47 Oh, qu'est-ce que c'est que ça?
00:26:49 [laughter]
00:26:51 What is it then?
00:26:53 It's black, can't you see?
00:26:55 [laughter]
00:26:56 Very nice. Oh, my goodness gracious me.
00:27:00 Aren't these sour westerns absolutely fabulous?
00:27:03 Come on, let's have you.
00:27:05 [laughter]
00:27:12 Those stairs.
00:27:13 Those stairs, you know.
00:27:14 They're terrible.
00:27:16 Oh, please don't touch me this morning, Arthur.
00:27:19 [laughter]
00:27:23 Are you ready?
00:27:24 Yes.
00:27:25 All right, action.
00:27:27 Stormy days at sea are followed by the smoking of a bollard.
00:27:31 Once that lovely smoke is swallowed, so much satisfaction.
00:27:35 Smoke bollard! A man cigarette!
00:27:38 Woo-hoo!
00:27:40 [laughter and applause]
00:27:55 Good evening.
00:27:56 I am the director of one of London's largest art galleries,
00:28:00 housing pictures which some people would give their right hands to have.
00:28:05 Needless to say, we don't let them have them,
00:28:07 as in this way we can be quite sure of building up a very large permanent collection.
00:28:12 Some of the pictures which we have would make your eyes pop out.
00:28:16 Such all-time favorites as the Laughing Cavalier,
00:28:20 which has had the world in stitches now for donkey's yards.
00:28:23 [laughter]
00:28:24 It even brings a gay smell to my lips, and I must have seen it scores of times.
00:28:30 What does my job involve, I can hear you ask.
00:28:33 Well, I arrive in my little office very early in the morning.
00:28:38 Though it's ten to one, I've been up to all hours the night before,
00:28:42 rubbing shoulders with the great at some smart arty party.
00:28:46 Because there's one thing you can say about my job,
00:28:49 is that by and large it's very interesting.
00:28:51 [laughter]
00:28:52 For about two hours, all is silence in my little den,
00:28:56 until my secretary comes in with the latest batch of pictures,
00:29:00 what have come through the post for me to cast my eye over,
00:29:04 and decide which is to have the privilege of hanging on the walls of our great gallery.
00:29:09 Which pictures do I choose, I can hear you murmur.
00:29:12 Well, by and large I tend to choose the largest picture,
00:29:16 as in this way I feel one is doing the best by the taxpayer.
00:29:20 However, don't run away with the idea that I am one to let the little gem go begging.
00:29:27 Because there's one thing you can say about this business,
00:29:30 is that by and large you have to be hawk-eyed.
00:29:33 And so, by the time the favourite clock comes around,
00:29:36 I am about ready to jack the whole thing in.
00:29:39 [laughter]
00:29:40 After six hours good kip, I am ready to be back on the job,
00:29:43 as guardian of the nation's art treasures.
00:29:46 Hop up and see us some time.
00:29:49 [applause]
00:29:59 And now, Dudley Moore accompanies himself upon the piano forte,
00:30:04 in settings of European songs.
00:30:06 This is setting by Fauré of Verlaine's poem, "La nuit s'épanouit."
00:30:11 [laughter]
00:30:21 [piano]
00:30:27 La nuit s'épanouit Dans la vie sanglottante
00:30:42 Et les ombres lourdes Des vagues de Népal
00:30:54 S'en vont dans les bouts De la vague distance
00:31:02 Sanglottant, violon, sanglottant Sanglottant, violon, sanglottant
00:31:13 Sanglottant, violon, de l'amour
00:31:40 [applause]
00:31:46 And now Dudley Moore continues to play with himself,
00:31:49 this time in a setting by Schubert of Heiner's poem, "Die Flabbergast."
00:31:55 [laughter]
00:32:00 [piano]
00:32:03 [singing in German]
00:32:10 [laughter]
00:32:11 [singing in German]
00:32:39 [laughter]
00:32:41 [applause]
00:32:55 [piano]
00:33:01 [inaudible]
00:33:06 What was that little philosophical paper you were telling me about in common room?
00:33:11 Um, Hegel's moral doubts, I think you said it was.
00:33:15 Yeah, yeah.
00:33:16 Is it?
00:33:17 Hegel's moral doubts.
00:33:19 Hegel's moral doubts, yeah.
00:33:20 Yes.
00:33:21 Yes, but it's not really a paper, not really a paper so much as an annotation,
00:33:25 which I have run up for the proceedings of the Aristotelian Society.
00:33:28 Certainly no Principia.
00:33:30 Can I have it?
00:33:31 Yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:33:33 Oh, yes, yes, all right.
00:33:35 Yes, yes.
00:33:36 Now look, um, Wittgenstein says, doesn't he, rather ham-handedly in my opinion,
00:33:41 in the blue and brown books of course, that the statement "fetch me that slab"
00:33:45 implies that here's a slab, here's a slab, such that were I to fetch it,
00:33:48 the statement "fetch me that slab" would then be disjunctively denied by the opposite statement.
00:33:53 Yes.
00:33:54 Yes, well, it seems to me, it seems to me Wittgenstein has made really rather a bad blunder here.
00:33:59 But as far as I can see, you see, the unfetched slab can claim to exist really no more than the unseen tree and flower.
00:34:05 No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:34:06 You're making rather a primitive category mistake here.
00:34:09 Oh, no, not actually.
00:34:12 It's me.
00:34:13 I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
00:34:14 All right, all right, all right. It seems to me, it seems to me, what we have here really, what we have here really is an example of a synthetic a priori proposition of the sort.
00:34:26 Let me see how, here, there are no sense data, you see, there are no sense data,
00:34:32 which are both blue and green all over at the same time, and sense data.
00:34:35 And change data, yes, I see.
00:34:37 Which is a statement really both about our world as we know it, in Wittgenstein's sense of course,
00:34:41 and everything in this case, and a statement about our language as we use it.
00:34:44 Now, I know that you get very worked up about propositional disjunctive functions,
00:34:48 so I thought you might have to deal with the whole sort of thing and put it on some sort of...
00:34:53 Yes.
00:34:56 I see.
00:34:57 Well, tell me, are you, are you in fact using yes in its affirmative sense here?
00:35:03 No, no.
00:35:05 I like that paper, you see.
00:35:07 I liked it because it rather bears on something I'm considering myself, namely, what part, you see,
00:35:13 what role we as philosophers play in this great heterogeneous, confusing and confused jumble of political, social and economic relationships we call society.
00:35:25 I mean, other people have jobs to do, don't they?
00:35:30 What do people do these days?
00:35:34 They, uh, they row lawns, I believe.
00:35:38 Yes, they do. They drive buses or they sell ice cream or they play games.
00:35:46 Games. Games.
00:35:48 More important.
00:35:49 More important, yes. Now, we also play games, you see, but we as philosophers, we play language games, don't we?
00:35:55 We play games, language, language, game, language, game.
00:35:58 When you and I go on to the cricket pitch, we do so securing the knowledge that a game of cricket is, um, well, it's in the offing, isn't it?
00:36:08 It's not in practice, it's in the offing.
00:36:11 But when we play language games, we do so rather in order to find out what game it is we're playing.
00:36:17 In other words, why do we do philosophy at all?
00:36:21 Why?
00:36:22 Yes, why.
00:36:23 Yes, why.
00:36:24 Yes, why.
00:36:25 Yes, yes, yes.
00:36:26 Yes, yes, yes.
00:36:28 No.
00:36:29 No, you see, I think I must take exception with you on that point, Bleenie, because, you see, I think we want to ask not so much why questions, you see, as how questions.
00:36:37 Why?
00:36:39 There you are. Need I say more, you tell me?
00:36:42 Yes, you need, a great deal.
00:36:44 I tell you, it seems to be, it seems to be that philosophers, or at least they like to call themselves philosophers, you see, who start by asking why questions, they end up by making pseudo statements, you see.
00:36:52 Pseudo statements of the sort, whatever scene I'm in, Saturday got into bed with me as well.
00:36:58 Is there to pseudo statements?
00:37:01 Yes, yes.
00:37:02 I want to say more.
00:37:04 All right, well, I'll take another example from real life, if you like, and really hammer home the point.
00:37:09 There's too much Tuesday in my beetroot salad. What about that?
00:37:12 Oh, well, there it is, of course. It's a classic example.
00:37:15 I don't think you're saying, I don't think you're saying, and I don't say you're thinking, but I don't think you're saying that such statements are in themselves meaningless, are they?
00:37:25 No, not at all.
00:37:27 All I'm saying really, you see, all I'm saying really is that such statements are in effect metaphysical statements.
00:37:33 Metaphysical statements. Well, of course, if they're metaphysical statements, I don't think we should forget, or I don't think you should forget, as Bradley pointed out, the man who rejects the existence of metaphysics is simply a metadiscian with a rival theory of his own.
00:37:49 Ah.
00:37:50 Yeah, dear, dear, dear, dear.
00:37:52 Ouch, ouch, ouch.
00:37:53 Yes, but in that case, in that case, you must allow me to illustrate with another example from real life, if I may.
00:37:59 You seem very fond of real life.
00:38:01 Let's say, for example, shall we, that we meet a friend.
00:38:04 Meet a friend, yes.
00:38:05 A friend, say, at the factory, or at the pub, or at the football match.
00:38:08 Ah.
00:38:09 No, we don't say to that friend, do we, why are you?
00:38:12 If I say, why are you, you say, how are you, don't we?
00:38:17 I suppose we do, yes.
00:38:19 Yes.
00:38:21 In this connection, what do you think of Plato and Aristotle and T.S. Eliot?
00:38:28 That's a very crafty question.
00:38:32 It seems to me, you see, it seems to me that Plato, Aristotle and T.S. Eliot, God bless him.
00:38:36 By the way, how is he, is he all right?
00:38:38 He's all right, I think, yes, I think so.
00:38:40 Very good, well, yes.
00:38:41 It seems to me, you see, these fellows, you see, while they have very interesting things indeed to say about the society which they represent.
00:38:47 He's been having a spot of bother with his teeth.
00:38:51 What do you mean, who has?
00:38:53 Eliot?
00:38:54 What?
00:38:55 Eliot?
00:38:56 T.S. Eliot, not Plato.
00:38:58 Yes, his teeth have been aching.
00:39:02 Really?
00:39:03 They aren't what they were.
00:39:04 In fact, they're not where they were, they're out of it.
00:39:07 Yes, dentists should remove them all, lock, stock and barrel.
00:39:11 The best place for them, hideous blackened scum.
00:39:18 What was I saying?
00:39:19 It seems to me, these fellows, you see.
00:39:22 Which fellows?
00:39:24 Plato, Aristotle, poor old toothless Eliot, there, you see.
00:39:27 While they have very interesting things indeed to say about the society which they represent, they're asking questions about life and about death, which are therefore entirely irrelevant.
00:39:35 Entirely, entirely irrelevant, yes, you're quite right.
00:39:37 I don't call Plato and Aristotle philosophers, I call them para-philosophers.
00:39:42 Hmm, para-philosophers, how come?
00:39:46 Well, ever heard of these chaps paratroops?
00:39:49 Yes.
00:39:50 Those people, paratroops, well, para-philosophers are exactly the same, they're philosophers with their feet off the ground.
00:39:58 Ah, yes, I see.
00:40:01 In that case, I think the burden really is fair and square upon your shoulders, Pliny, to try and explain to me the exact relevance that philosophy does have to everyday life.
00:40:09 Yes, I can do that quite easily.
00:40:11 This morning I went into a shop, you see, a shop.
00:40:14 Shop.
00:40:15 Shop, you see, shop.
00:40:16 Shop.
00:40:17 There was a shop assistant there, I was having an argument with a customer.
00:40:20 What reason?
00:40:21 Shop assistant said, "Yes," you see, and the customer said, "What do you mean, yes?"
00:40:26 And the shop assistant said, "I mean yes."
00:40:29 Ah, this is very exciting indeed.
00:40:31 I mean, he has a splendid example, you see, in everyday life, where two very ordinary people are asking each other what are, in essence, philosophical questions.
00:40:40 "What do you mean, yes?" "I mean yes," you see, where I, as a philosopher, could help them.
00:40:46 Did you?
00:40:47 No.
00:40:48 They were in rather a hurry.
00:40:50 The great train robbery of over three million pounds continues to baffle the British police.
00:41:11 Good evening.
00:41:12 However, we have here with us in the studio this evening the deputy head of New Scotland Yard, Sir Arthur Gearpey.
00:41:19 Good evening.
00:41:20 I'm going to ask him just a few questions about the train robbery.
00:41:24 Good evening.
00:41:25 Good evening, Sir Arthur.
00:41:26 Good evening.
00:41:27 I'm going to ask you just a few questions about the train robbery, if I may.
00:41:30 Good evening.
00:41:31 Well, I'd like to make one thing quite clear at the outset.
00:41:34 When you speak of a train robbery, this in fact involved no loss of train.
00:41:41 It was merely the contents of the train which were pilfered.
00:41:44 We haven't lost a train since 1943, I think it was, the year of the great snows.
00:41:50 We mislaid a small one.
00:41:51 They're very hard to lose, you see.
00:41:53 Trains are great, bulky great things, as opposed, for example, to small jewels.
00:41:57 A tiny pearl, for example, might nestle in the navel of a lady and disappear for years.
00:42:02 Whereas a train, with its huge size and the steam pouring out, is altogether a different kettle of fish.
00:42:09 I think you've made that point rather well, Sir Arthur.
00:42:11 Thank you very much.
00:42:12 Who do you think may have perpetrated this awful crime?
00:42:15 We believe this to be the work of thieves.
00:42:18 And I'll tell you why.
00:42:20 The whole pattern is extremely reminiscent of past robberies, where we have found thieves to be involved.
00:42:26 The tell-tale loss of property, the snatching away of the money substances, it all points to thieves.
00:42:33 Thieves.
00:42:34 So you feel that thieves are responsible?
00:42:36 Good heavens, no. I feel thieves are totally irresponsible.
00:42:39 Ghastly people who go around snatching your money.
00:42:43 I appreciate that, Sir.
00:42:45 You may appreciate that, but most people don't.
00:42:47 If you like having your money snatched, good luck to you.
00:42:49 You must be rather a queer fish, in my view.
00:42:51 You misunderstand me, Sir Arthur.
00:42:52 I certainly do. Good evening.
00:42:54 Who do you think is behind the criminals?
00:42:58 We are, considerably.
00:43:03 Many days, indeed months and years behind them.
00:43:06 Who do you think is the organising genius behind the crime?
00:43:11 Now, of course, you're asking me who the organising genius behind the crime is.
00:43:16 You're a man of very acute perceptions, Sir Arthur.
00:43:18 Thank you very much.
00:43:19 Well, we believe it to be the work of a mindermast. Let me put it that way.
00:43:23 A mindermast.
00:43:25 A mindermast, my words exactly. A mindermast.
00:43:28 What exactly is a mindermast?
00:43:30 A mindermast is the code word we use at Scotland Yard to describe a mastermind.
00:43:35 We, er...
00:43:39 We, er...
00:43:41 We don't like to use the word mastermind as that depresses the men.
00:43:46 Oafish lot of louts, if ever I saw any.
00:43:52 I guess they're great yobs.
00:43:54 I see.
00:43:55 But we are, however, using the wonderful detection equipment known as the Identikit.
00:44:00 Are you familiar with the Identikit?
00:44:02 Oh, isn't it where you piece together the face of the criminal, is it, right?
00:44:06 Not entirely, no.
00:44:07 We're only able to piece together the appearance of the face of the criminal.
00:44:11 We can't actually piece the face itself together.
00:44:14 I wish we could, of course, because once you've captured the criminal face,
00:44:18 the other criminal parts aren't hard to find.
00:44:23 The criminal body is situated directly below the criminal face.
00:44:28 Joined, of course, by the ghastly, scrawny and altogether obnoxious criminal neck.
00:44:33 But through this wonderful system of the Identikit, or "l'identi-qui" as the French foppishly call it,
00:44:40 God love them,
00:44:41 we have, er...
00:44:42 We have pieced together an extremely good likeness of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
00:44:47 So his grace is your number one suspect?
00:44:52 Well, let me put it this way.
00:44:53 His grace is the man we're currently beating the living daylights out of down at the yard.
00:44:57 And he's still your number one suspect?
00:44:59 No, I'm happy to say that the Archbishop, God bless him, no longer resembles the picture we built up.
00:45:04 Changed.
00:45:06 Hiding for the worse, poor devil.
00:45:08 I believe I'm right in saying, Sir Arthur, that some of the stolen money has been recovered, isn't it?
00:45:12 Yes, it has. Yes, it has.
00:45:13 What's happening to the art?
00:45:14 We're spending it as quickly as we can.
00:45:16 It's a short life, but a merry one down at the yard.
00:45:19 Good night, and God bless you all.
00:45:21 [applause]
00:45:33 [silence]
00:45:41 [laughter]
00:45:44 [silence]
00:45:56 [piano playing]
00:46:00 [laughter]
00:46:03 [piano playing]
00:46:21 [piano playing]
00:46:25 [piano playing]
00:46:50 [laughter]
00:46:53 [piano playing]
00:47:14 [piano playing]
00:47:43 [piano playing]
00:47:56 [piano playing]
00:48:12 [piano playing]
00:48:30 [piano playing]
00:48:58 [piano playing]
00:49:05 [laughter]
00:49:07 [piano playing]
00:49:23 [laughter]
00:49:30 [piano playing]
00:49:46 [applause]
00:50:02 So you want to know about the war?
00:50:04 [piano playing]
00:50:12 The '30s were coming to an end.
00:50:15 Heavy with menace, the '40s were just around the corner.
00:50:19 [singing]
00:50:23 And the Victoria Palace Lupino Lane was entrancing London with "Me and My Girl."
00:50:29 [singing]
00:50:31 At Ascot, a year of royal victories, Walt Disney had done it again with "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."
00:50:39 [laughter]
00:50:40 And in the gaiety, the storm clouds were gathering.
00:50:42 Across Europe, German soldiers were dancing the hideous "Gamart of War."
00:50:46 [music]
00:50:47 [shouting]
00:50:49 [laughter]
00:50:50 Then came a break in the clouds.
00:50:53 I have here from Herr Hitler a piece of paper.
00:50:58 [laughter]
00:51:01 [explosion]
00:51:02 [explosion]
00:51:10 I will always remember that weekend war broke out.
00:51:14 I was at a house party at Cliveden with the Airsters.
00:51:17 We sat around, we sat around listening to the moving broadcast by Mr. Churchill,
00:51:23 or Mr. Chamberlain as he then was.
00:51:26 [laughter]
00:51:29 And I quite clearly remember turning to my husband and saying,
00:51:33 "Squiffy, who's on Les Neiges-D'Antin?"
00:51:36 [laughter]
00:51:38 And I did not feel then that all was quite lost.
00:51:41 Immediately afterwards, I got on the telephone to Berlin to try and have a word with Herr Hitler,
00:51:46 who'd been so awfully kind to us on our last visit to Germany that summer.
00:51:51 Unfortunately, the line was engaged.
00:51:54 There was nothing I could do to avert the carnage of the next six years.
00:51:59 [explosion]
00:52:02 Mr. Charles Spedding of Hoxton remembers.
00:52:06 I'll always remember that day that war was declared.
00:52:10 I was out in the garden at the time planting out some croissants.
00:52:14 It was a grand year for croissants, 1939.
00:52:17 I wish we could have another one like it.
00:52:19 My wife come out to me in the garden and told me the ghastly news about the outbreak of hostilities.
00:52:25 "Never mind, my dear," I said to her.
00:52:27 "You put on the kettle. We'll have a nice cup of tea."
00:52:30 Put out that light.
00:52:33 All over Britain, the humble little people showed the same spirit of courage.
00:52:38 [metal clanging]
00:52:43 You could always tell the difference between theirs and ours.
00:52:46 Ours had a sort of steady, reliable, British hum, rather like a hopeless old bumblebee.
00:52:52 Theirs, on the other hand, had a sort of horrible, vicious, intermittent whine, like a ghastly foreign mosquito.
00:52:58 [mushroom growling]
00:53:00 Meanwhile, as invasion threatens, England is blanketed in security.
00:53:05 Now, wait a moment. We'll put Lyme Regis where Great Yarmouth was.
00:53:10 Right. Ipswich where Lyme Regis was.
00:53:13 And Great Yarmouth where Ipswich was.
00:53:16 Oh, that'll fool the boss, eh?
00:53:18 I'll fool him. Bye-bye.
00:53:19 Bye-bye. Cheer up.
00:53:20 Here. How do we get home?
00:53:22 [audience laughter]
00:53:24 Home? Home? The very word had a sort of comforting sound, didn't it?
00:53:28 Homes whose very foundations were built upon the air.
00:53:30 Young men, scarcely boys, tossed aside youthful things and grew up overnight in that grimmer game which is war.
00:53:36 A game where only one side was playing the game.
00:53:39 Young men flocked to join the few.
00:53:42 Please, sir, I want to join the few.
00:53:46 I'm sorry, there are far too many.
00:53:48 [audience laughter]
00:53:50 From the musky fields into the air.
00:53:52 From the squash courts into the clouds.
00:53:54 From the skiffs into the spitfires.
00:53:57 This was war.
00:53:59 [audience laughter]
00:54:01 [music]
00:54:06 I had a pretty quiet war, really.
00:54:09 I was one of the few.
00:54:12 We were stationed down at Biggin Hill.
00:54:14 On Sunday, we got word Jerry was coming in.
00:54:17 They were Hastings, I think.
00:54:19 I got up there as quickly as I could and everything was there, calm and peaceful.
00:54:24 England lay like a green carpet below me.
00:54:27 The war seemed worlds away.
00:54:30 I could see Tunbridge Wells.
00:54:32 The sun glinting on the river.
00:54:34 I remember that last weekend I'd spent there with Celia that summer of '39.
00:54:39 Suddenly, Jerry was coming at me out of a bank of cloud.
00:54:44 I let him have it and I think I must have got him in the wing because he spiraled past me out of control.
00:54:50 As he did so, I'll always remember this, I caught a glimpse of his face.
00:54:55 You know, he smiled.
00:54:58 Funny thing, war.
00:55:01 [music]
00:55:12 Perkins.
00:55:14 Perkins.
00:55:15 Sorry to drag you away from the fun, old boy.
00:55:17 It's all right, sir.
00:55:18 War's not going very well, you know.
00:55:20 Oh, my God.
00:55:22 We're two down, the ball's in the enemy court.
00:55:24 Yeah.
00:55:25 War's a psychological thing, Perkins, rather like a game of football.
00:55:27 Yes, sir.
00:55:28 You know how in a game of football, ten men often play better than eleven?
00:55:31 Yes, sir.
00:55:32 Perkins, we're asking you to be that one man.
00:55:35 Sir.
00:55:36 Perkins.
00:55:37 Sir.
00:55:38 I want you to lay down your life.
00:55:39 Yes, sir.
00:55:40 We need a futile gesture at this stage.
00:55:45 It'll raise the whole tone of the war.
00:55:47 Get up in a crate, Perkins.
00:55:48 Sir.
00:55:49 Hop over to Brayman.
00:55:50 Yes, sir.
00:55:51 Take a short day.
00:55:52 Sir.
00:55:53 Don't come back.
00:55:54 Right, right.
00:55:56 Goodbye, Perkins.
00:55:58 God, I wish I was going, too.
00:56:00 Goodbye, sir.
00:56:01 Or is it au revoir?
00:56:03 No, Perkins.
00:56:05 London, that gallant old lady nurtures her children well.
00:56:22 At the National Gallery, in a series of lunchtime concerts, Dame Myra Hess weaves her magic fingers
00:56:29 inextricably into the heartstrings of London.
00:56:33 The music you're listening to, Timothy, is German music, and we're fighting the Germans.
00:57:02 That's something you're going to have to work out later on.
00:57:05 That was the night they got Pithy Street.
00:57:14 I'll always remember it.
00:57:16 I was out in the garden at the time, planting out some deadly nightshade for the boss.
00:57:21 My wife came out to me in the garden and told me the abominable news.
00:57:26 Thousands have died in Pithy Street, she said.
00:57:29 Never you mind the thousands of dead, I said to her.
00:57:33 You put on the kettle.
00:57:35 We'll have a nice cup of tea.
00:57:39 Andrews.
00:57:40 Yes, sir?
00:57:41 How many children do you have?
00:57:43 Oh, I've got five, sir.
00:57:46 I've got three boys and, um...
00:57:50 Two girls.
00:57:51 Two girls, yes.
00:57:56 Have you got any children, sir?
00:57:58 Well, you see, Mary and I only had 24 hours before I came out here.
00:58:01 I've never even seen my son, Timothy.
00:58:03 We got him down to Eton, of course.
00:58:05 You know, he's got the makings of a damn fine football player, Mary tells me.
00:58:08 Really, really, sir.
00:58:09 Well, I'm glad to hear that, sir.
00:58:11 That's rather nice, isn't it?
00:58:12 Yes, sir.
00:58:13 Look, Andrews.
00:58:14 Yes, sir?
00:58:15 I've not said this before, but we've been right through this beastly business together now.
00:58:19 Right the way through.
00:58:20 I suppose we have, sir.
00:58:21 Do you know, until this horrible war started, I'd never really known men of your class before.
00:58:27 Let me say just this.
00:58:29 It's been a privilege.
00:58:31 Oh, well, uh...
00:58:34 Go bless you, sir.
00:58:35 All right.
00:58:36 Go bless you.
00:58:37 All right.
00:58:38 Let's go.
00:58:49 How grateful we were to the BBC in those dark days of the war,
00:58:54 when every night at nine o'clock Alvaro Liddell brought us news of fresh disasters.
00:59:00 This is Alvaro Liddell bringing you news of fresh disasters.
00:59:07 I never ever used to hear the nine o'clock news,
00:59:10 as I was always out in the garden, round about nine-ish,
00:59:14 planting out some carrots for the night fighters.
00:59:17 But I do remember... I do remember that black, black day that rationing was imposed.
00:59:24 My wife come out to me in the garden, her face knotted with pain.
00:59:29 "Charlie," she said, "rationing has been imposed and all that that entails."
00:59:35 "Never mind, my dear," I said to her.
00:59:37 "You put on the kettle. We'll have a nice cup of boiling hot water."
00:59:41 But the tide was turning, the wicket was drying out.
00:59:50 It was deuce, advantage Great Britain.
00:59:55 Then America and Russia asked if they could join in.
00:59:59 The whole thing turned into a free-for-all.
01:00:02 And so, unavoidably, came peace,
01:00:05 putting an end to organized war as we'd come to know it.
01:00:11 Well, we've done our best. Now it's up to the youngsters.
01:00:22 I wonder what they'll make of it.
01:00:24 But old acquaintance we forgot and never brought to mind.
01:00:33 Not old acquaintance we...
01:00:41 (applause)
01:01:09 (applause)
01:01:19 In these days of the relaxation of international tension, I think...
01:01:26 Excuse me.
01:01:29 In these days of the tightening up of international tension,
01:01:33 I think there is a very real danger of our neglecting the claims of civil defense.
01:01:38 It was the French statesman Talleyrand who said that the price of liberty is eternal vigilance.
01:01:44 Well, of course, the price has gone up somewhat since the 18th century.
01:01:48 However, the government's defense, or for want of a better word I'll call policy,
01:01:54 is based on the concept of the deterrent.
01:01:58 I'll say what for purposes of argument we'll call an unnamed power
01:02:04 takes a nuclear missile and drops it on the United Kingdom.
01:02:09 Well, we in the United Kingdom would then take another nuclear missile and drop it on Russia.
01:02:17 I'm sorry, no, on the unnamed power.
01:02:22 This, of course, would deter them from...
01:02:30 Well, it would effectively discourage them.
01:02:35 Well, jolly well serve them right.
01:02:39 A lot of people in this country tend to think of the whole problem of the hydrogen bomb as being rather above their heads.
01:02:47 Well, nothing to be further from the truth.
01:02:51 The issue is a simple one.
01:02:53 Kill or be killed.
01:02:55 Or both.
01:02:56 I beg your pardon?
01:02:57 I said or both.
01:02:59 Yes, good evening.
01:03:00 Thank you.
01:03:01 Good evening.
01:03:02 Now, we shall receive four minutes warning of any impending nuclear attack.
01:03:10 Now, some people will say, "Oh my goodness me, four minutes, that's not a very long time."
01:03:14 Well, I'd remind those doubters that some people in this great country of ours can run a mile in four minutes.
01:03:22 Basically, the defense of Great Britain rests in the hands of our sea slugs.
01:03:28 Now, if our sea slugs fail to get through, we shall fall back on our blue waters.
01:03:33 If our blue waters let us down, we've still got good old German warfare up our sleeves.
01:03:38 Thank goodness for that.
01:03:39 Now, I must admit, there is a very strong possibility that our sea slugs won't get through.
01:03:45 The British sea slug is a ludicrously cumbersome vehicle, depending, as it does, on a group of train runners carrying it into enemy territory.
01:03:57 Mind you, the boffins are working on this one day at night.
01:04:01 They're thinking of fitting it up with some rather ingenious device, I don't know, wings or something along those lines,
01:04:06 turning it into some kind of flying machine, in which case it will be renamed "Greased Lightning."
01:04:12 Must sit down and feel one of my spells coming on.
01:04:17 Well, now, this does mean that if we are fortunate enough in any future hostilities to be the aggressor,
01:04:23 we are in a position to strike a blow of 20, 30 or even 40 mega deaths.
01:04:29 I'll put that in more familiar terms, if you like.
01:04:31 That's to say, 40 million lifeless forms strewn all about the place here and there.
01:04:36 Really rather good.
01:04:37 Now, following this, our sea slugs would then come into their own in a second wave,
01:04:42 bringing our score up into the 70 or even 80 mega death bracket,
01:04:46 which is practically the maximum score permitted by the Geneva Convention.
01:04:52 I can see one or two of you are thinking, "Now, look here.
01:04:55 What if one of our American friends makes a boo-boo and presses the wrong button,
01:05:01 sends up one of these missiles by mistake?"
01:05:03 Well, of course, it could not happen.
01:05:06 Could not happen, you see, because before he presses that button,
01:05:09 he has to get on the telephone to Number 10 Downing Street,
01:05:13 say, "Now, look, Mr. Prime Minister, sir, can I press this button?"
01:05:17 And the Prime Minister will say, "Yes" or "No," as the mood takes him.
01:05:23 Now, there is a flaw in this argument, and I can see one or two of you seem to have spotted it.
01:05:29 What if the Prime Minister's out?
01:05:32 Well, perfectly simple, perfectly straightforward, they'd ask his lovely lady wife.
01:05:38 Now, I think at this point I'll throw the whole thing over to you.
01:05:42 If you're at all worried about civil defence, if you've got any questions or problems,
01:05:45 we'd be only too pleased to try and help you.
01:05:48 If we have any queries, I know we'd be delighted to attempt to deal with them.
01:05:51 That's silly of you.
01:05:54 Hello, panel.
01:05:56 Hello.
01:05:59 I'd like to ask a question, if I might, please.
01:06:02 By all means.
01:06:04 Exactly what we care for, to try and answer any questions.
01:06:10 Settling in, problems, there are questions.
01:06:15 There is a question, we are complex business.
01:06:18 Civil defence in the world, yes.
01:06:24 No, do go on, don't let me know.
01:06:27 Can't go on without your question.
01:06:30 Well, shall I fire straight ahead?
01:06:32 By all means.
01:06:33 Right, here goes then.
01:06:35 Following the nuclear holocaust, could you tell me when normal public services would be resumed?
01:06:44 Well, it's a very fair question, and we have got it in hand, of course.
01:06:47 Following Armageddon, we do hope to have public services working fairly smoothly pretty soon after the event.
01:06:53 Though I feel in all fairness I really ought to point out to all of you that it must needs be something in the nature of a skeleton service.
01:07:03 Now, what can we do from a practical point of view in the event of a nuclear attack?
01:07:09 Well, the first golden rule to remember about hydrogen warfare is to be out of the area where the attack is about to occur.
01:07:17 Get right out of that area, because that's the danger area, where the bombs are dropping.
01:07:22 Get right out of it, right out of it.
01:07:24 If you're out of it, you're well out of it.
01:07:26 If you're in it, you're really in it.
01:07:29 If you are caught in it when a missile explodes, for goodness sake, don't move.
01:07:33 Stand absolutely stock still.
01:07:35 Not under a tree, of course, that could be extremely dangerous.
01:07:38 Now, what about radiation?
01:07:42 I hear a strangled cry.
01:07:44 Well, there is a great deal you can do about radiation, you know.
01:07:47 As soon as you hear about it, jump into a brown paper bag.
01:07:52 Nothing quite so good as brown paper. You draw it on over your head.
01:07:57 There you are, you see.
01:08:01 There you are, you see. You're very manoeuvrable.
01:08:04 You can do anything you like inside your brown paper bag.
01:08:12 The bomb drops, the dust settles, jump into your brown paper bag and pop along to your local civil defence leader.
01:08:23 And he'll tell you exactly where you can go.
01:08:27 [Applause]
01:08:44 I think about this juncture, it would be wise to point out to those of you who haven't noticed already, and God knows it's apparent enough,
01:08:49 that Jonathan Miller and myself come from good families and have had the benefits of a public school education.
01:08:54 Whereas the other two members of the cast have worked their way up from working class origins.
01:08:58 Yet Jonathan and I are working together with them in the show, treating them as equals.
01:09:03 And I'd like to say it's proven to be a most worthwhile, enjoyable and stimulating experience for both of us.
01:09:09 Wouldn't you agree, Jonathan?
01:09:10 Yeah, I'm most impressed by the whole thing. It's very good.
01:09:14 I suppose we are working class. I wonder how many of these people have realised that Jonathan Miller's a Jew.
01:09:26 Yes, well, he is a Jew, of course, but one of the better sort.
01:09:30 I'd rather be working class than be a Jew.
01:09:32 Oh, good Lord, yes, there's no comparison, is there?
01:09:35 But just think of the awful situation if you were working class and a Jew.
01:09:41 There's always somebody worse off than yourself.
01:09:45 Well, in fact, I'm not really a Jew, just Jewish. Not the whole hog, you see.
01:09:51 And now, Dudley Moore continues to accompany himself upon the piano forte, first in a setting of an English song.
01:09:57 A setting by Benjamin Britten of the old English heir, Little Miss Muffet.
01:10:01 The Miss Muffet referred to in this song is believed to have been related to the English entomologist of the same name.
01:10:09 [music]
01:10:16 Little Miss Muffet
01:10:24 Smelled a nutty, eating her goods, eating her goods and words.
01:10:39 But came a big spider and sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away, away, away, away.
01:11:05 And frightened Miss Muffet away.
01:11:14 [applause]
01:11:22 And now, Dudley Moore continues his recital with a setting by Kurt Weil of the ballad of Gangster Joe by Bertolt Brecht.
01:11:32 [music]
01:11:36 My friends, dear, the ball is over and war is waiting in the sky.
01:11:45 And I wonder why we're always playing games when war is waiting in the sky.
01:11:49 And war is waiting in the sky.
01:11:53 Which one of us is the winner of the war song?
01:12:02 My street factory is a court of law and I know the law of cars.
01:12:10 With a fine, healthy, and a merry voice and so on and so on, Volkswagen.
01:12:15 And so on and so on, Volkswagen.
01:12:19 Oh, my Volkswagen is a car and I'm coming to the market and the market.
01:12:32 It would be there, it would be a health.
01:12:39 [singing]
01:13:02 [speaking in German]
01:13:25 [singing in German]
01:13:54 [applause]
01:14:12 Miss Rigby, Stella, my love, would you send in the next auditioner, please?
01:14:19 Mr. Spigot, I believe it is. Mr. Spigot, please.
01:14:37 Mr. Spigot?
01:14:39 Yes, Spigot by name, Spigot by nature.
01:14:43 Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Spigot.
01:14:50 Possibly interested in that.
01:15:05 You're it.
01:15:08 No, I'm not it, Mr. Spigot. You appear to have forgotten the serious purpose of your visit.
01:15:13 If you'd come over here and perch on the chair for a moment, we can talk.
01:15:21 Now, Mr. Spigot, you are auditioning, are you not, for the part of Tarzan?
01:15:29 Right.
01:15:37 Now, Mr. Spigot, I couldn't help noticing, almost at once, that you are a one-legged person.
01:15:52 You noticed that.
01:15:54 I noticed that, Mr. Spigot, when you've been in the business as long as I have.
01:16:02 I forget to notice these little things, almost instinctive things.
01:16:07 Now, Mr. Spigot, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the part of Tarzan.
01:16:13 Right again.
01:16:14 A role that is traditionally associated with a two-legged man.
01:16:20 And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
01:16:26 Right.
01:16:27 A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
01:16:34 Well, Mr. Spigot, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
01:16:43 Yes, I think you ought to.
01:16:45 Need I say, with overmuch emphasis, that it is in the leg division that you are deficient?
01:16:54 The leg division?
01:16:56 The leg division, Mr. Spigot.
01:16:58 You are deficient in it, to the tune of one.
01:17:05 Your right leg, I like.
01:17:09 I like your right leg.
01:17:11 It's a lovely leg for the role.
01:17:13 A lovely leg for the role.
01:17:14 I've got nothing against your right leg.
01:17:17 The trouble is, neither have you.
01:17:25 You've got the ball down on your left.
01:17:26 You mean it's inadequate?
01:17:27 It's inadequate, Mr. Spigot. It's inadequate.
01:17:29 And to my point of view, I don't think the British public is yet ready for the sight of a one-legged ape man swinging through the jungly fronds.
01:17:39 However, don't despair.
01:17:41 After all, you score over a man with no legs at all.
01:17:47 Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying, "Get out! Run away!"
01:17:55 So there's still a chance?
01:17:56 There is still a very good chance, Mr. Spigot.
01:17:59 If we get no two-legged character actors in here within the next 18 months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter,
01:18:11 will be the very type of person this particular agency will in all probability at some time or another be attempting to contact telephonically.
01:18:23 I'm sorry I can't be more definite.
01:18:25 You must understand what will be millions of dollars of strain to all the individuals involved.
01:18:30 We can't afford to take any risks.
01:18:32 [Applause]
01:18:48 This week, Studio 5 welcomes three distinguished visitors.
01:18:52 We're very pleased to have with us this evening the Minister of Science.
01:18:56 Now, Minister, what plans are there for a British space probe?
01:19:00 Well, we have a British space probe up our sleeves, actually.
01:19:04 It's going to be launched by Her Majesty the Queen.
01:19:08 Oh, at a given signal, which is a nudge from seepy snow.
01:19:13 [Laughter]
01:19:15 We'll press a button which will then bounce a radio signal off three fixed points in the heavens, Mars, Venus and God.
01:19:24 [Laughter]
01:19:26 You don't feel then that we're lagging behind other countries in this vital field?
01:19:30 I don't. I don't feel that at all.
01:19:32 I mean, what other country can boast the second largest radio telescope in the world?
01:19:38 Soon we shall have the third largest.
01:19:41 Possibly even the fourth, and all with the same equipment.
01:19:45 It's a wonderful achievement. Do you feel that there is life in space?
01:19:50 Well, I honestly don't know.
01:19:52 What on earth do you want to know that for?
01:19:55 Awful creatures.
01:19:57 No, life.
01:19:59 Life? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said lice.
01:20:02 [Laughter]
01:20:06 I don't know. You'll have to ask the Prime Minister about that evening, I suppose.
01:20:10 Finally, I wondered if you would explain how the atom can be harnessed for peaceful purposes.
01:20:15 Yes, I can explain that.
01:20:17 It's all to do with the internal molecular structure of the atomic particle.
01:20:23 Are you at all familiar with the atomic particle?
01:20:25 Not as familiar as I should be, no.
01:20:28 It's made up, you see, the atomic particle is made up of two things, a nucleus and an electron.
01:20:35 Do you see that? A nucleus and an electron.
01:20:37 Now, my left hand represents the nucleus and my right, of course, the electron.
01:20:44 Now, inside the atomic particle, you see, these two, the nucleus and the electron, are going round one another.
01:20:50 Do you see that? They're going round one another. They are revolving, you see.
01:20:54 They're revolving at a tremendous rate, a tremendous rate.
01:20:58 There is a huge source of power here to be harnessed.
01:21:02 And this is what we're doing in British science today.
01:21:05 [Laughter]
01:21:07 [Applause]
01:21:11 We're extremely pleased to have with us this evening the newly appointed Lord Chamberlain.
01:21:15 Now, Lord Cobbold, what are your feelings on censorship in the theatre?
01:21:19 Well, frankly, I think there's far too much sex and violence gets by in the name of entertainment.
01:21:25 I mean, I go to the theatre to be taken out of myself.
01:21:29 I don't want to see lust and rape and incest and sodomy. I can get all that at home.
01:21:35 [Laughter]
01:21:37 Well, thank you.
01:21:39 We are especially privileged to have with us this evening Mr. Ekimoto Numbitsu, the Pan-African federal leader,
01:21:46 who is over here for the African Constitutional Conference.
01:21:51 [Laughter]
01:21:52 Now, Mr. Numbitsu, what hopes do you hold out for a successful conclusion to the conference?
01:21:57 Well, there can be no hopes for a successful conclusion to this conference
01:22:00 until the fundamental rights of man are realised by the British government.
01:22:05 One man, one vote. That is the law of God, which all must obey, including God.
01:22:10 One man, one man, one vote. That is essential, especially for the nine million black idiots who vote for me.
01:22:17 [Laughter]
01:22:18 Mr. Numbitsu, how do you view the imprisonment of your colleague, Mr. Binder Abayako?
01:22:24 Ah, well, the imprisonment of Mr. Binder Abayako is a most immoral, disgusting, illegal, outrageous and despicable act.
01:22:31 And I'm in favour of it. It lets me get on with a little bit of agitating on my own.
01:22:36 Now, do you in any way condone the violent methods adopted by some members of your party to further their cause?
01:22:44 Well, by violent methods, Mr. Edwards, I presume you are referring to the isolated and sporadic outbreaks of entire communities being wiped out.
01:22:52 [Laughter]
01:22:53 Yes, I did have this in mind.
01:22:55 Yes, well, all I can say to that is moot and beam.
01:22:57 I beg your pardon?
01:22:58 Moot and beam.
01:22:59 Moot and beam.
01:23:00 Yes, wipe out the moot from your own eye, great Britain, before you start messing around with our beams.
01:23:05 Everywhere, everywhere the black man is misrepresented.
01:23:09 For example, recently I went in London to see this play, "Things Ain't What They Used To Be,"
01:23:13 and in this play there was a black man who was laying a bard all over the stage doing nothing, implying all black men are layabards.
01:23:19 Well, surely, Mr. Numbitsu, you might as well say the same play implies that all white people are pimps or prostitutes.
01:23:24 Yes, well, that is fair comment, you see.
01:23:26 [Laughter]
01:23:27 There can be no progress, Mr. Edwards, until you Englishmen stop looking down your noses at us Africans.
01:23:32 Yes, I think I see what you mean.
01:23:34 [Laughter]
01:23:35 Black equals white.
01:23:36 No taxation without representation.
01:23:39 Black equals white.
01:23:40 Mr. Numbitsu, one thing rather puzzles me about you, and that is your hair is extremely straight, and your complexion seems to be white in color.
01:23:46 Yes, that is perfectly true.
01:23:47 I have recently undergone an operation to straighten my hair and also to remove the pigmentation from my skin.
01:23:53 Doesn't this rather fly in the face of your principles?
01:23:55 Not at all.
01:23:56 I feel in this way I can represent the interests of my people best by speaking to the white man on his own ground.
01:24:01 And besides, it is the only way in which I can get lodging.
01:24:04 [Laughter]
01:24:06 Mr. Numbitsu, thank you.
01:24:08 And good night.
01:24:09 [Applause]
01:24:17 I think we are safe now. If you would like to go upstairs and join Lord Cobbold and the Minister of Science, I am sure you three must have a great deal to talk about.
01:24:28 [Speaking in Japanese]
01:24:44 [Applause]
01:24:57 Yes, I am. I could have been a judge, but I never had the latin. I never had the latin for the judging.
01:25:10 I didn't have sufficient to get through the rigorous judging exams.
01:25:15 They are very rigorous, the judging exams. They are noted for their rigor.
01:25:19 People come staggering out saying, "My God, what a rigorous exam."
01:25:23 [Laughter]
01:25:25 But I managed to become a miner instead, a coal miner.
01:25:29 Managed to get through the mining exams. They are not very rigorous.
01:25:33 They only ask you one question. They say, "Who are you?"
01:25:37 [Laughter]
01:25:38 And I got 75% on that.
01:25:40 [Laughter]
01:25:42 Made to feel persona grata.
01:25:45 Of course, it is interesting work, grabbing hold of lumps of coal all day.
01:25:50 Coal is a very interesting substance, you know. It was created in a most unusual way.
01:25:57 Because God didn't just say, "Let's have some coal," like he did with most of the other amenities.
01:26:04 He went about it in a more roundabout and interesting way, to make the world a bit more interesting for us all.
01:26:12 He blew all the trees down.
01:26:14 [Laughter]
01:26:16 He did. He got a good wind going and blew them all down.
01:26:20 And then, very gradually, over a period of three million years, he changed them into coal.
01:26:28 So it wasn't noticeable to the average passerby.
01:26:32 [Laughter]
01:26:34 And this was all part of his wonderful long-term scheme of things.
01:26:39 Part of his wonderful overall plan for the universe.
01:26:44 Of course, at the time, people didn't quite see it like that.
01:26:48 People who were standing under the trees, for example, they rather missed the point.
01:26:56 And instead of shouting out, "Hurrah! Coal in three million years' time!"
01:27:03 They tended to exclaim more along the lines of, "Oh dear! Trees falling on us!"
01:27:09 [Laughter]
01:27:12 "That's the last thing we want!"
01:27:15 And of course, for most of them, it was the last thing they got.
01:27:18 [Laughter]
01:27:21 Their prayers were answered in a roundabout way.
01:27:25 Because if you ask, you're always given it.
01:27:27 But it is an interesting substance, and it's a wonderful substance to work with, coal.
01:27:33 I've written a book about my experiences down the mine.
01:27:36 I've written a book based on the experiences I've had down the mine.
01:27:41 It's called, "My Experiences Down the Mine."
01:27:44 [Laughter]
01:27:46 It's a wonderful story. It's the story of a man who goes down the mine.
01:27:52 And he sees a lump of coal quite near him.
01:27:57 "Aha!" he says, "The very thing I'm looking for."
01:28:02 [Laughter]
01:28:04 And he bends down and picks it up.
01:28:08 And he lifts it up to about his stomach level.
01:28:12 And then he shoves it away into a trolley.
01:28:16 And the trolley wheels away down a long, dark tunnel.
01:28:21 And he never sees it again.
01:28:24 That's the story.
01:28:27 It's very short.
01:28:29 But it is extremely boring.
01:28:32 [Laughter]
01:28:39 I took it along to a publisher, and he agreed with me.
01:28:43 He said, "This story is extremely boring.
01:28:48 This is the most boring story that has ever been written in the whole history of the universe.
01:28:57 And he's not a man who's given to superlatives."
01:29:03 He said, "The main trouble with it is everything.
01:29:09 And most of all, it lacks the sex element.
01:29:14 So vital in these troubled times when over it all hangs the black shadow of the hydrogen bomb."
01:29:22 So I've rewritten it now to put in a bit of the sex element into the novel, into experiences down the mine.
01:29:30 I've put in some sex elements into it.
01:29:33 It's the same story, but it's livened up a bit by three nude women.
01:29:39 [Laughter]
01:29:41 Beryl, Stella and Margaret.
01:29:45 Three nude ladies who've come down the mine for a bit of a dance.
01:29:50 [Laughter]
01:29:52 And I've left everything the same.
01:29:54 I've just put in a few new paragraphs saying things like, "Meanwhile, the nude ladies continue to dance about."
01:30:03 [Laughter]
01:30:06 It's done wonders for the book. I can scarcely put it down now, has it?
01:30:10 [Laughter]
01:30:11 Wonderful story.
01:30:13 Of course, that's the wonderful thing about being an author.
01:30:16 You can put as many nude women in as you like.
01:30:20 My next book's called A Million Nude Women.
01:30:24 [Laughter]
01:30:29 It's a mining story.
01:30:31 [Laughter]
01:30:33 It's a story of a million nude women who are wandering about in the desert looking for somewhere to sit down.
01:30:41 [Laughter]
01:30:48 And they wander about for many a year, till one day the leader of the nude women, Beryl Jarvis,
01:30:57 [Laughter]
01:31:01 sees a disused mine.
01:31:04 "Come on, girls!" she shouts.
01:31:07 [Laughter]
01:31:09 She has to shout, because the last ones are about six miles back.
01:31:12 [Laughter]
01:31:15 "Come on, girls! Here's a disused mine at last.
01:31:21 Let's all rush down it and dance about."
01:31:25 [Laughter]
01:31:28 And all the nude ladies rush down the mine after Beryl Jarvis,
01:31:34 [Laughter]
01:31:38 and begin to dance about.
01:31:41 It's a scene unparalleled in mining history.
01:31:44 [Laughter]
01:31:50 They dance and they dance for days on end,
01:31:54 till suddenly a very frail nude lady by the name of Stella Whittington
01:32:01 falls exhausted to the floor with a shout of, "Ahhh! This is too much!"
01:32:11 And the nude ladies see the folly of their ways and retrace their steps over the desert
01:32:18 to rejoin their husbands, who've been sitting on the edge of the desert having a drink.
01:32:24 [Laughter]
01:32:29 It's a wonderful story. It'd make a wonderful film.
01:32:33 "Ahhh!"
01:32:34 Did you notice for no apparent reason, very suddenly I went, "Ahhh!"
01:32:38 It's an impediment I've got from being down the mine.
01:32:41 Because one day I was walking along in the dark,
01:32:43 "Ahhh!"
01:32:44 I saw the body of a dead pit pony.
01:32:46 "Ahhh!"
01:32:47 I went surprised.
01:32:48 Ever since then I've been going, "Ahhh!" unexpectedly,
01:32:50 and that's another reason why I couldn't be a judge.
01:32:53 [Laughter and applause]
01:33:01 It destroys the dignity of the court, you see.
01:33:04 A whooping judge is not very much welcome.
01:33:09 But I wish I could have got into judging circles,
01:33:12 because the trouble with being a miner,
01:33:15 as soon as you're too old and tired and ill and sick and stupid to do your job properly,
01:33:20 you have to go.
01:33:21 Well, the very opposite applies with the judges.
01:33:24 [Laughter]
01:33:26 So all in all, I would rather have been a judge than a miner,
01:33:30 because I've always been after the trappings of great luxury.
01:33:34 I've always fancied them.
01:33:36 Yet I've got hold of the trappings of great poverty.
01:33:40 I've got hold of the wrong load of trappings.
01:33:43 [Laughter]
01:33:44 And a rotten load of old trappings, I have.
01:33:47 [Applause]
01:34:01 [Mumbling]
01:34:09 Well, unless I'm very much mistaken, there's a bar.
01:34:13 [Mumbling]
01:34:41 [Laughter]
01:34:54 Well, can I have a glass?
01:34:58 [Laughter]
01:35:07 What are you going to have?
01:35:08 [Laughter]
01:35:10 A large whiskey, please.
01:35:12 I'll have a double brandy.
01:35:14 Double brandy?
01:35:15 Gin and tonic.
01:35:16 Gin and tonic.
01:35:17 Lager.
01:35:18 Lager.
01:35:19 [Mumbling]
01:35:20 Drinks are on me.
01:35:23 I've got nothing on me at all.
01:35:25 [Laughter]
01:35:27 Do they take luncheon vouchers?
01:35:29 Have you got one?
01:35:30 No.
01:35:31 Ah, well, they never take them here unless you've actually got them.
01:35:34 [Mumbling]
01:35:36 Why don't we go and sit down and have a spot for lunch?
01:35:39 Shall we make a move?
01:35:40 [Mumbling]
01:35:44 Is everything all right for you?
01:35:46 Is everything all right for me?
01:35:47 Is everything all right for you?
01:35:48 Is everything all right for you?
01:35:49 [Mumbling]
01:35:54 Let's get a hold of a waiter.
01:35:56 Waiter.
01:35:57 Waiter.
01:35:58 Waiter.
01:35:59 I've got one.
01:36:00 I've got one here.
01:36:01 I've got one here.
01:36:02 I've got one here.
01:36:03 [Laughter]
01:36:05 What are we going to have?
01:36:08 [Mumbling]
01:36:13 Yes.
01:36:14 Yes.
01:36:15 Um, I'm going to have the same as you, I think.
01:36:19 Same as me.
01:36:21 Yes.
01:36:22 You devil.
01:36:23 [Laughter]
01:36:25 Good God, have you seen that?
01:36:26 What's that?
01:36:27 Good heavens.
01:36:28 Isn't that fantastic?
01:36:29 What's that?
01:36:30 Children under ten, twelve and six.
01:36:32 [Laughter]
01:36:41 It's very cheap, isn't it?
01:36:43 It's very cheap.
01:36:44 I think they're probably imported.
01:36:46 [Laughter]
01:36:48 Probably frozen, I should think.
01:36:49 Oh, foreign.
01:36:50 Yes, foreign or frozen.
01:36:51 You wouldn't get local children at that price.
01:36:55 I wonder how they prepare them.
01:36:57 I shouldn't think they do.
01:36:58 I should think they spring it on them.
01:37:00 [Laughter]
01:37:04 I can't bear children myself.
01:37:06 That's hardly surprising.
01:37:08 [Laughter]
01:37:14 I think I'll steer clear of the children and follow your example, Buffy.
01:37:19 You know your way around this sort of matter.
01:37:21 Yes, all right.
01:37:22 What are we going to have?
01:37:24 Well, I honestly can't decide now.
01:37:26 It is difficult.
01:37:27 It is difficult.
01:37:28 It is difficult.
01:37:29 Look, I'll follow your script if you don't mind.
01:37:32 Oh, all right, you are.
01:37:33 Well, I have decided, actually.
01:37:35 I'm going to have what you settled for, I think.
01:37:37 Oh, good.
01:37:38 Well, that's very easy, then.
01:37:39 That's four of the same.
01:37:40 [Laughter]
01:37:42 Oh, the bloody waiter's gone.
01:37:43 He can't get the children.
01:37:44 [Crosstalk]
01:37:57 [Applause]
01:38:11 [Music]
01:38:27 Twenty-ninth verse of the fourteenth chapter of the book of Genesis.
01:38:36 But my brother Esau is an hairy man, but I am a smooth man.
01:38:46 But my brother Esau is an hairy man, but I, but I am a smooth man.
01:38:58 Perhaps I can paraphrase that, say the same thing but in a different way,
01:39:04 by quoting you some words from that grand Old Testament prophet Ezra.
01:39:09 Ezra 4, 16.
01:39:14 He said unto me, What seest thou?
01:39:17 And I said, Lo, I see the children of Bebi numbering six hundred and seventy-three,
01:39:24 and I see the children of Ezgeb numbering one thousand four hundred and seventy-four.
01:39:33 I see the children of Bebi numbering six hundred and seventy-three,
01:39:36 and I see the children of Ezgeb numbering one thousand four hundred and seventy-four.
01:39:42 [Laughter]
01:39:47 There come times in the lives of each and every one of us
01:39:52 when we turn aside from our fellows and seek the solitude, the tranquillity of our own fireside.
01:40:01 We bend up our feet, don't we, and we put on our slippers, and we sit and stare into the fire.
01:40:08 I wonder at such times whether your thoughts turn, as mine do, to those words I've just read you now.
01:40:17 [Laughter]
01:40:23 They're very unique words, they're very special words,
01:40:27 because these are words that express, as very few words do,
01:40:32 that sense of lack which lies at the very heart of modern existence,
01:40:38 that 'I don't quite know what it is, but I'm not getting everything out of life that I should be getting' sort of feeling.
01:40:46 [Laughter]
01:40:48 Because there are more than this, you know, these words, there are much, much, much more,
01:40:53 because they are, in a very real sense, a challenge to each and every one of us here tonight.
01:41:01 What is that challenge?
01:41:06 The other evening I was travelling through Piccadilly Circus
01:41:11 when my eye was caught by a rather personable young lady who was sitting there on a bench,
01:41:17 and as I walked by she called out to me and she said, 'Hey Padre, have you got the time?'
01:41:25 [Laughter]
01:41:30 I had the time, and I stopped and told it to her, and she seemed most anxious to chat,
01:41:38 so I sat down beside her on the bench.
01:41:42 And in the course of conversation I laid my hand upon her knee,
01:41:47 and suddenly she said, 'Hey Padre, what's the little game?'
01:41:54 'Hey Padre, what's the little game?'
01:42:04 I was very grateful to that young lady, because, you see,
01:42:08 she put me in mind of the kind of question I felt I ought to be asking you here tonight.
01:42:14 What's the little game?
01:42:17 What is this whole vivid, exciting little game that we call life about?
01:42:26 Very many years ago, when I was about as old as some of you are now,
01:42:34 I went mountain climbing in Scotland with a very dear friend of mine.
01:42:38 It was this mountain, you see, we decided to climb it.
01:42:43 So, very early one morning, we arose and we began to climb.
01:42:49 All day we climbed, up and up and up, higher and higher and higher,
01:42:58 till the valley lay very small below us. The mist of the evening began to come down,
01:43:04 and the sun to set. When we reached the summit, we sat down to watch this tremendous sight
01:43:11 of the sun going down behind the mountains.
01:43:14 And as we watched, my friend, very suddenly and violently, vomited.
01:43:29 Some of us think life's a bit like that.
01:43:35 It isn't, you know. Life, life, well, it's rather like opening a tin of sardines.
01:43:43 We're all of us looking for the key.
01:43:48 Some of us think we've found the key, don't we?
01:43:52 Oh, we think we've found the key. We roll back the lid of the sardine tin of life.
01:43:58 We reveal the sardines, the riches of life they're in.
01:44:03 We get them out, we enjoy them.
01:44:06 But you know, there's always a little bit in the corner that you can't get out of.
01:44:14 I wonder, is there a little bit in the corner of your life?
01:44:21 I know there is in mine.
01:44:27 So now, I draw to a close. We prepare to go out into the world.
01:44:32 I want you, in times of trouble and sorrow and hopelessness and despair,
01:44:38 amid the hurly-burly of modern life,
01:44:42 if ever you're tempted to say, 'Oh, stuff this for a luck!'
01:44:53 I want you then to remember, for comfort, the words of my first text to you tonight.
01:45:02 But my brother, Iso, is an hairy man, but I am a smooth man.
01:45:11 [applause]
01:45:27 [piano]
01:45:34 Sustain we now description of a time when petty lust and overweening tyranny offend the ruck of state.
01:45:41 Thus fly we now as oft with feverstid, fair Easterdove, unto fair Flanders court,
01:45:46 where is the warlike warwick, like to the mole that sat on Hector's brow,
01:45:51 fair set for England and for war.
01:45:56 [piano]
01:46:12 And so we bid you welcome to our court, Jack Arthur Alderley, and you, our sweetest Essex.
01:46:17 Take this my hand, and you, fair Essex, this, and with this bond we'll cry anon,
01:46:22 and shout 'Jack Cock of London' to the foe.
01:46:27 Approach your ears, and kindly bend your conscience to my peace.
01:46:30 Ah, ruddy scouts, to me this hefty news have brought.
01:46:33 The naughty English, expecting now some pregnancy in our plan,
01:46:35 have with some haughty purpose bent Eulis unto the service of their sale.
01:46:38 So even now, while we to the bunt and rootless strut,
01:46:40 is brutish bowling broke, then fare upon some fickle circumstance.
01:46:46 Get thee to Gloucester, Essex. Do thee to Wessex, Exeter.
01:46:50 Fair Albinetto Somerset must deke his route, and stroop to you to Westmoreland,
01:46:54 where shall bold York, enrouted now for Lancaster, with forces of iron from Bruntland,
01:46:58 and join his standard with his brood of husks.
01:47:02 Fair Sussex, dear, get thee to Warwick'sbourne,
01:47:07 and there with frowning purpose tell our plan to Bedford's tilted ear,
01:47:14 and shall press with most insensate speed, and join his warlike effort to Bull Dorset's side.
01:47:20 I most royally shall now to bed, to sleep off all the nonsense I've just said.
01:47:26 Is he a botch not, then, Master Puke?
01:47:41 Aye, merry indeed, good Master Snot.
01:47:45 'Tis said, our Master, that you get contrived some naughtiness against his son the King.
01:47:50 Aye, and it doth confound our merry mating.
01:47:55 Bah!
01:47:57 What say you, Master Puke? I am for Lancaster, and that's to say for good shoe-leather.
01:48:02 Come, speak, good Master Puke.
01:48:04 Go at the leather blocked up thy tongue.
01:48:08 Ay, why then, go tripping thee upon thy laces, good Grif.
01:48:12 Our leather laces? Our leather laces, thy undoing.
01:48:16 Oh, they shall undo many a fair boot this day.
01:48:20 Let's to our royal revel, and with our song, enchant our King.
01:48:26 (audience laughing)
01:48:29 (trumpet playing)
01:48:32 (audience laughing)
01:48:35 (trumpet playing)
01:48:38 (audience laughing)
01:48:41 (tuba playing)
01:48:44 ♪ O death is paid, by shroud death is ♪
01:48:51 ♪ paid, and pleas'd round by poor Lancaster ♪
01:48:59 (audience laughing)
01:49:03 ♪ So flee me now to Brutus' realm, and in his arms shall I go ♪
01:49:16 Wise words in mouths of fools do oft themselves be loved.
01:49:22 (audience laughing)
01:49:24 Good fool, shall thy sex prosper? I prosper.
01:49:28 Say, you prosper fool? I prosper.
01:49:31 Mary then, I thinks, will prosper.
01:49:34 And saying prosper do we say, to cut the knot which crafty nature hath within our bowels locket up.
01:49:41 (audience laughing)
01:49:42 But sirft, and who comes here?
01:49:45 Oh good my lord.
01:49:47 (audience laughing)
01:49:48 And stop your ear, and yet prepare to yield the optic tear to my experience.
01:49:52 Such news I bring as only can crack ope the casket of your soul.
01:49:55 Not six miles hence there grows an oak whose nutty fuse engender'd in the bosky wood,
01:49:59 doth raise itself most impudent towards the sun's beauty.
01:50:02 So saying, did that dying, dying fool.
01:50:05 (audience laughing)
01:50:08 (tuba playing)
01:50:10 (audience laughing)
01:50:15 O God, this was most gravely undertained.
01:50:19 (tuba playing)
01:50:21 And undertained that this ux gravely answered it.
01:50:24 Why then we'll muster, and to the field of battle go, and unto them our English sinew show.
01:50:30 (audience laughing)
01:50:32 (drum beating)
01:50:35 (drum beating)
01:50:45 (audience laughing)
01:51:03 Why then was this encounter nobly entertained, and so by steel shall this our contest now be bottled up.
01:51:09 Come sir, let's toot.
01:51:11 Let's toot.
01:51:12 But steel thou shalt not have thyself in himself, thyself in barrow.
01:51:15 (audience laughing)
01:51:19 Ha ha, a hit.
01:51:21 Yes sir, a hit, a miss. Come sir, I'll pop it in the mouth.
01:51:23 But, but, pop the mouth, then pop it in the steel.
01:51:25 (audience laughing)
01:51:26 Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.
01:51:28 (audience laughing)
01:51:35 O God.
01:51:36 (audience laughing)
01:51:38 May I touch it? Thou hast done me wrong.
01:51:40 (audience laughing)
01:52:06 Now is steel, 'twixt gut and bladder interposed.
01:52:11 (audience laughing)
01:52:15 O saucy Worcester.
01:52:17 (audience laughing)
01:52:23 Dost thou lie so still?
01:52:25 (orchestral music)
01:52:30 Thou halt mortality, her tithe collected,
01:52:34 and suffering albeneer to the worms is cost committed, yet weep we not.
01:52:39 This Hustian life is short.
01:52:43 Let's on to Pontefract to sanctify our hope.
01:52:49 (audience applauding)
01:53:17 How will it be, this end, of which you have spoken, brother Emman?
01:53:21 Ay, how will it be?
01:53:23 Well, it will be, as 'twer a mighty rending in the sky, you see,
01:53:27 and the mountains shall sink and the valleys shall rise,
01:53:30 and great will be the tumult thereof, I should imagine.
01:53:33 (audience laughing)
01:53:35 Will the veil of the temple be rent in twain?
01:53:38 I hope so, I'm looking forward to that.
01:53:40 (audience laughing)
01:53:41 Will there be a mighty wind?
01:53:43 Certainly there'll be a mighty wind, if the word of God is anything to go by.
01:53:48 And will this wind be so mighty as to lay low the mountains of the earth?
01:53:53 No, it will not be quite as mighty as that.
01:53:55 That is why we've come up on the mountain, you stupid nit to be so silly.
01:53:59 (audience laughing)
01:54:00 All right then, when will it be?
01:54:02 Ay, when?
01:54:03 In about thirty seconds' time, according to the ancient Pyramidic scrolls.
01:54:08 We'd better compose ourselves.
01:54:09 What a wonderful idea.
01:54:12 Fifteen seconds.
01:54:14 Here, have you got the picnic basket?
01:54:16 Here it is.
01:54:17 Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
01:54:22 Now is the end, here is the world.
01:54:29 It was GMT, wasn't it?
01:54:39 (audience laughing)
01:54:41 Well, it's not quite the conflagration we've been banking on.
01:54:46 Never mind, lads, same time tomorrow.
01:54:49 We must get a winner one day.
01:54:52 (audience laughing)
01:54:53 (applause)
01:54:55 (applause continues)
01:54:59 (applause continues)
01:55:03 (applause continues)
01:55:28 (applause continues)
01:55:32 (applause continues)
01:55:35 (applause continues)
01:55:50 (applause continues)
01:55:53 (applause continues)
01:56:05 (applause continues)
01:56:09 (applause continues)
01:56:12 (applause continues)
01:56:15 [BLANK_AUDIO]