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00:00 Little Archie issue 150. Not so fast.
00:05 Sabrina's on her way to school and her aunts, despite their very different personalities in this comic, both want to come along with her.
00:13 And in a twist, it's not out of curiosity to see what Sabrina's life is like.
00:18 They're gonna be her substitute teachers.
00:21 How are two sisters hired to be a substitute for one teacher?
00:26 It could make sense that they got teaching degrees in all the time they've been alive, except they don't get out much.
00:34 Sabrina says "Wow", which is sweet because I'd expect most versions of her to be uncomfortable and worried, because her aunts are really casual about magic.
00:44 Reggie tries to send a book at Archie's head, and fortunately, Hilda stops him with magic and makes the book go into Reggie's mouth,
00:53 and says satisfyingly "Wasn't that fun, Reggie?"
00:57 I love that, though contrast with her saying that she likes Reggie because he's evil and a guy after her own heart because of it.
01:04 She'd only like him for that if she also likes a bothers Archie, because he's usually the only person he bothers.
01:10 Conveniently, nobody comments on the magic Hilda did in front of everyone.
01:15 Zelda says they're gonna change the way they do lessons, which is probably not legal.
01:20 But then when she summons some mailbags, and it turns out they're from Little Archie's mailboard,
01:25 my excitement for the story gets destroyed and replaced with disappointment at how lame the stories become.
01:32 Because Archie shouldn't have found these mailbags familiar when they have no reason to exist in-universe.
01:39 I was looking forward to all the variety in how they're gonna use magic to teach.
01:44 But it's sad to say that even the 90s comic did this plot better, and I hated that story. But that actually tried to do the plot.
01:51 This gave up and broke the fourth wall into pieces.
01:54 Why does Reggie bother asking how the ants do that?
01:58 He knows Sabrina's a witch.
02:00 What does solving a puzzle have to do with science?
02:03 This story just wastes their time predictably trying to apply fan mail to school courses.
02:08 I'm not even reading the fan mail, mainly because it's in a different font, but it's also not something that should be in the panels.
02:15 And by the next day, Weatherby says that every student behaved as if by magic.
02:20 Little Archie issue 151, which is for the new year.
02:25 We save all their time saying you had a rotten year because of Sabrina's family for no reason, as opposed to any other witch family.
02:32 Sabrina says homework is a breeze when you're a witch and uses magic to make pens write on floating paper,
02:38 and then tries to hand in the wrong subject of homework.
02:42 I hope she still had her algebra homework.
02:44 Reggie then remembers giving himself points to the other football team by accident.
02:49 How'd he do that by accident? At least he's thanked for it.
02:52 Veronica shouldn't have refused to go to the dance with him over an accident, let alone called him a traitor. That was immature of her.
02:59 We see Reggie find out there's nothing in his hat, and Archie calls his magic show the best comedy show of the year.
03:06 So it was still a success because it was still entertaining, even if it humiliated him.
03:11 He finds a lamp and wonders if there's anything inside.
03:14 At first seeing the focus on Reggie made me think that the story was wasting my time in a Sabrina story,
03:19 but it's worth it if it just has bad things happen to him.
03:22 Conveniently, he sends out a talking baby called New Year on his way to meet 1979.
03:29 So, they're personified? Like in Sonic the Comic?
03:33 A snowstorm came up, and he went in the lamp to stay warm.
03:36 But then someone put a cork in the lamp and trapped him for no reason.
03:40 We really should be told why that happened.
03:43 New Year shakes Reggie's hand and predictably says he'll grant him a wish, even though he's not a genie.
03:48 So how does that make sense?
03:50 So Reggie wants all of his new magic tricks to come out right.
03:54 I'm glad he's not too ambitious, as in wishing to take over the world.
03:59 Then Reggie wastes time trying to grab him and tackle him to get him to grant two more wishes,
04:03 when he was told he only got one wish, and for all he knows, this could just cause him to undo the wish he granted him.
04:10 Father Time tells Sabrina that he's still waiting for 1980 to show up.
04:14 Why did the two of them do this in Riverdale?
04:16 Wouldn't it be in a separate dimension and planet, like in Sonic the Comic?
04:20 Sabrina sees Reggie and casts a spell to make the New Year guy vanish,
04:24 and he puts Reggie in pain as the story ends.
04:27 Little Archie, issue 152.
04:31 It's a funny.
04:33 After Paige is wasted, Sabrina tells Zelda that her teacher told her to bake something to feed everyone in class,
04:39 so she's making a gingerbread man.
04:41 But doesn't know how to carry it into the oven, even though she's a witch.
04:46 Zelda casts a spell to make it come to life for the purpose of making it march into the oven,
04:51 but doesn't decide to do that because she somehow didn't brainwash it into doing that.
04:55 She could've easily floated it into the oven like you'd expect.
04:59 Instead, Sabrina wants to give it a face because his talking humanized him.
05:03 And it starts telling jokes.
05:05 You never know where you're gonna get in the Sabrina stories.
05:08 Surprisingly, when he's told to get in the stove, he does so, and none of them hesitate to bake him.
05:14 But apparently the spell hasn't been able to survive this,
05:18 and Jughead says he likes Sabrina's new friend.
05:21 I have to assume that everyone's thinking of him as just a guy wearing a costume,
05:25 so that's why he's not freaking everyone out.
05:28 Lucky for him, his jokes somehow makes people laugh.
05:31 And the story ends with Weatherby seeing the comedy act, while Glendia appreciates it,
05:35 even though what she told Sabrina to do was give the entire class some food,
05:39 and she didn't even do that, even though she could've easily zapped up food.
05:44 Little Archie issue 153, Super Witch.
05:48 Sabrina's aunt sees Sabrina sleep in,
05:51 and Hilda says that when she was Sabrina's age, she sold magic spells door to door.
05:56 I guess she means she sold books with the spells in them, and they were obscure.
06:01 And when she was Sabrina's age, she lived in the witch world.
06:04 Zelda says that Hilda was Sabrina's age 465 years ago,
06:10 so now Hilda's even older in this parallel universe.
06:13 That's what, four different universes? She's 213, isn't she?
06:18 Surprisingly, Sabrina, despite being a kid,
06:21 thinks Hilda's right and decides to get a job at the chocolate shop.
06:25 Why does she think a mere kid would be allowed to get a job?
06:28 Weren't there child labor laws back then?
06:31 It's not like she's trying to get a job as a paper girl.
06:33 Pop Tate surprises me with some uncalled for sexism,
06:37 saying he was expecting to hire a boy because he thinks using a mop is heavy work.
06:42 Even though women are associated with cleaning.
06:44 Sabrina casts a spell to make her a super witch all day long,
06:48 as Pop Tate looks at her surprise the entire time she says this.
06:52 Or she could've just made herself super strong without the superhero costume.
06:56 Sabrina walks out of some smoke in a superhero costume,
07:00 and Pop Tate assumes she's not Sabrina and hires her just because of her outfit,
07:04 which explains why she did it.
07:06 But it makes no sense, because the whole reason he didn't hire Sabrina was that she's a girl,
07:10 and this person is also clearly a girl.
07:12 Sabrina gets told to carry dirty dishes,
07:15 and he has every reason to look worried when she carries the dishes
07:18 because she's carrying too many at once,
07:20 risking something falling and breaking.
07:23 She goes over to some potential customers and advertises for the shop.
07:27 The kids just came from wrestling practice and feel mean.
07:31 It's shocking that Sabrina gets threatened even though she's a girl, in the 80s.
07:35 It's satisfying to see the bully get thrown into the restaurant.
07:39 She carries the other kids inside, and fortunately, they do actually order something.
07:44 And it's even realistic enough that since they're only reluctant customers,
07:48 a kid only orders a soda.
07:50 Then Pop Tate says that some big band music brought customers in, thanks to Sabrina.
07:55 Lots of kids want to get in, but the shop's too small,
07:58 so Sabrina punches a hole in the roof and the wall.
08:02 He tells her he'll see her tomorrow, too frightened of her to call her out,
08:06 and she's tired from working all day and goes to bed.
08:09 And her aunt is still unsatisfied because they don't know why she's sleeping this time.
08:13 Little Orgy #154, one for the book.
08:18 Sabrina gets offered a hot chocolate by Zelda,
08:21 and then their program on TV gets interrupted by reports of flying saucers.
08:25 That never happened because no one would believe that anyone who saw them
08:29 actually saw UFOs, as opposed to weather balloons.
08:33 Sabrina says that it'd be fun to see a saucer in front of her fly,
08:37 and Zelda casts a spell to make it possible.
08:40 And for no reason, she also humanizes it, making it able to talk and naming it.
08:44 So this would mean they'd get even more sad if it broke, which would be inevitable.
08:48 It flies out of the window, the predictable happens,
08:51 and eventually Hilda says they have to catch the saucer before it frightens half the country.
08:55 Isn't it out of character for Hilda to not want half the country to be frightened?
09:00 Why doesn't she just tell Zelda to warp the saucer back to her?
09:04 Sabrina can warp Reggie away.
09:06 The saucer flies past a bird that's hopefully not literally talking or that'd be stupid.
09:11 The story's just the same thing happening over and over where people see the saucer.
09:15 How did the saucer fly into the mayor's head by accident?
09:19 Somehow the saucer can understand what a bird says to it,
09:22 and it gets threatened by airships with missiles.
09:25 Then Sabrina flies up to it and it kisses her, saying it doesn't want to fly anymore,
09:29 fortunately being smart enough to learn his lesson after all.
09:32 In fact, he wanted to be nailed to the wall with a sign below him saying "Home sweet home."
09:37 I feel bad for him.
09:39 Little Archie issue 155 Circus Days.
09:42 Sabrina says this is a story about the day the circus came to Riverdale.
09:47 If it was about the day she came to Riverdale, it'd be more interesting.
09:51 It's always seemed odd that the series like to start out without showing that.
09:55 Sabrina bores me showing that, go figure, the circus has big cats.
10:00 Salem gets hugged as Sabrina says that she's glad he's just a cute kitten.
10:05 It is interesting to see a cat ride on a horse.
10:08 Sabrina tempts fate by saying she's glad Salem can't join the circus,
10:12 and he dreams of walking on the high wire.
10:15 So he runs away and reveals that he can talk to a guy,
10:18 but he assumes he's dreaming and closes the door.
10:21 But the next morning, he finds out there really is a talking cat,
10:24 conveniently deciding that it wasn't a dream this time, just because it's day.
10:29 He's depressed at barely getting anything to eat in a cage.
10:32 I guess he wanted to do this to him because it was cheaper.
10:35 We know Salem's got plenty of magical powers by now,
10:38 including powers that could warp as much food to him as he wants.
10:42 But he's sad that he doesn't care about him, that's the point.
10:45 So it's a good thing he warped home when he wanted to see Sabrina at home,
10:48 because with how serious the tone was being,
10:50 I expected it to somehow require Sabrina to go save him.
10:53 Sabrina hugs Salem and recklessly offers the cat some milk and cookies.
10:57 At least it's a magic cat and she's a witch,
11:00 so they could've cast a spell to make their cat have no problem with ingesting milk.
11:05 This story by Dexter Taylor sucked.
11:08 It was exciting to see Sabrina's ants be her substitute teachers.
11:12 But the only good part of the story was Reggie getting a book thrown in his mouth.
11:17 After that, it irritates me by giving up on logic
11:20 and flooding us with fan mail the characters have no reason to be familiar with.
11:25 Why would the ants do this instead of just teaching properly?
11:28 Why wouldn't the writers have gotten the hint that they have to keep fan mail separate from the stories?
11:33 You'd think every writer would've told them to stop it after the first time.
11:37 I guess they didn't know better because they're all kids, so they didn't care what they read.
11:42 This was a confusing story by Dexter Taylor.
11:45 Why are Father Time and the New Year personification doing this in Riverdale or anywhere on Earth?
11:51 What a coincidence that they met Reggie and Sabrina.
11:54 It turns out that the New Year baby can hide in a lamp to get warm in the winter
11:58 and someone corked it for no reason.
12:00 Just have Reggie free him and get granted a wish.
12:03 But then he grabs the idiot ball and demands more wishes.
12:06 We should know that's a complete waste of time.
12:08 So Sabrina has to save the day.
12:10 At least it seems creative that the New Year baby can grant a wish.
12:14 And it was interesting that Reggie wasted his wish on magic trick success.
12:19 It seems like all of these stories are by Dexter Taylor.
12:23 This story by Dexter Taylor didn't make any sense.
12:26 Zelda would've just floated the gingerbread man to the oven,
12:29 not made it come to life and be obsessed with telling jokes.
12:32 That wouldn't make people want to eat him.
12:34 And Zelda should've known better because she knew Sabrina was supposed to feed her entire class.
12:39 And yet Grundy doesn't remind her of this and immediately got impatient with the comedian she didn't ask for.
12:44 And the story ends when Weatherby sees him when it could've easily continued and had a proper ending.
12:49 But at least the story was really creative.
12:52 This story by Dexter Taylor is about Sabrina trying to get a job to be more respectable after Hilda calls her lazy.
12:59 And then because it's the 80s, she's not gonna get hired by Pop Tate because she's not a boy.
13:04 Never mind the fact that she's just a kid too.
13:07 She gets the job because he's so impressed by her superhero costume.
13:11 It'd make more sense if part of the spell that summoned her superhero costume also made it so that he'd agree to hire her.
13:19 Because that's what she thought about when casting the spell because she thought that would happen.
13:23 It was entertaining and satisfying to see Sabrina succeed so much for her boss and get away with using magic.
13:29 Because she's a nice person.
13:31 I bet we'll never see her work for him again.
13:34 Hopefully it can be assumed that she keeps working for him and later issues off screen.
13:39 You'd think they'd write a super witch story about Hilda since she's the one who in canon called herself super witch and dressed up like that.
13:47 This story by Dexter Taylor is a boring one where Zelda makes a saucer start flying to show off.
13:54 But for no reason she gave it life.
13:56 So the saucer wants to go fly outside.
13:59 And it's just the same thing over and over again where people see it.
14:02 And there's no reason for any of the witches to try to fly after the saucer with no idea where it'll be next instead of working at home.
14:09 Which would be faster.
14:11 This story by Dexter Taylor is about Sabrina taking Salem with her on a trip to the circus with her friends.
14:18 I assume because she just likes her cat that much.
14:22 But she could've easily not brought him there and caused the rest of the story to happen.
14:26 It's contrived because nobody brings a cat to the circus.
14:30 So because Sabrina said she's glad he can't join the circus when she could've easily not said that.
14:36 Of course Salem wants fame and tries to join the circus as a talking cat.
14:40 Finally making himself able to talk with his powers.
14:43 And I can assume the reason he usually doesn't talk in front of Sabrina then is because there was a story dedicated to problems resulting from him talking in front of people.
14:51 Which you'd think would've warned him that he won't be treated right after how Reggie treated him.
14:57 He doesn't get given enough to eat so he warps home.
15:01 That's another thing that could've very easily not happened.
15:03 I imagine most guys in this situation would've given the talking cat enough to eat.
15:08 At the very least so that he wouldn't complain.
15:10 And if it can talk who knows what else it can do to you.
15:14 Good thing the story had Salem warp home instead of patting itself out with Sabrina rescuing him.