Laurie Kilmartin: Cis Woke Grief Slut | movie | 2024 | Official Clip
Stand-up comic and long-time Conan writer Laurie Kilmartin jokes about single motherhood, the abortion gag that got her | dG1fZkM5LW9uWEZSdWs
Transcript
00:00 I had a terrible pandemic, guys.
00:03 I don't know if you guys did. I had a bad one.
00:05 My mom died of COVID.
00:08 Thank you, some of you gasping, "Like my mom."
00:12 [laughter]
00:15 [applause]
00:17 Come on now.
00:19 You guys all told me you like dark comedy.
00:23 I got it on tape, motherfuckers.
00:26 Here we go!
00:28 [applause]
00:31 Now, I know what happens, okay,
00:33 when I start talking about this.
00:35 Everyone thinks that they're all mom-dying for a sec, right?
00:37 And about 85% of the audience pulls away from me in horror.
00:41 But about 15% of the audience leans in.
00:46 [laughter]
00:49 They're like, "Tell these jokes and tell 'em slow."
00:53 [laughter]
00:57 My mom died early in the pandemic.
01:00 She died in June of 2020, which was shocking to me
01:04 because I'd started coughing on her back in March.
01:07 [laughter]
01:10 That's why I'm mad at Fauci.
01:13 He promised me a two-week turnaround.
01:16 [laughter]
01:19 I guess I might seem like a monster to you.
01:23 Let me defend myself.
01:26 I was my mother's caretaker, okay, for four years.
01:29 My mother lived with me for four years.
01:31 I had no privacy.
01:33 If I wanted to masturbate, I had to go outside.
01:36 [laughter]
01:38 So when I heard in March of 2020 there was a virus,
01:42 if you remember, that was only killing elderly people,
01:46 I was like, "Oh."
01:49 Even Jesus wants me to come inside.
01:52 [laughter]
01:55 [cheers and applause]
01:58 My mom was a Trump supporter who died of COVID,
02:04 so the coroner ruled her death a suicide.
02:07 [laughter]
02:10 Cause of death, her vote.
02:13 [laughter]
02:14 She died before the vaccines,
02:16 and of course that genuinely does suck.
02:19 But I do wish my mom had lived long enough
02:22 to turn down the vaccines.
02:25 [laughter]
02:28 In an epic seven-paragraph Facebook post
02:33 entitled "I've Done My Own Research."