Plus rien à perdre... Fabrice Eboué se lâche comme jamais dans ce nouveau spectacle. S'il s’en donne à coeur joie sur les véganes les complotistes ou son couple mixte c’est surtout de lui-même qu’il préfère rire ! 1h30 d’une colère saine et jubilatoire !
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AmusantTranscription
00:00:00 ...
00:00:05 Applaudissements
00:00:07 ...
00:00:12 -Faites un tonnerre d'applaudissements pour M. Fabrice Éboué !
00:00:16 ...
00:00:18 ...
00:00:26 ...
00:00:33 ...
00:00:38 -Alors, pour ceux qui sont jamais venus à un de mes spectacles,
00:00:40 je fais à peu près toujours la même chose.
00:00:43 Je raconte ce qui s'est passé dans ma vie depuis le dernier,
00:00:45 et j'ai eu le plus grand buzz de ma carrière.
00:00:49 C'était le jour de la journée sans voiture orchestrée
00:00:51 par la maire de Paris, il y a 2 ans, Anne Hidalgo.
00:00:54 Moi, je rentrais chez mes parents qui habitent à Nogent-sur-Marne,
00:00:56 avec mon fils de 1 an et demi derrière.
00:00:58 J'arrive à Paris en me disant "On passe pas à journée sans voiture."
00:01:00 Oh, j'ai dit "Merde alors !"
00:01:02 Je me retrouve sur le périph avec tous les cons qui, comme moi, avaient oublié,
00:01:05 et on fait des tours en attendant que Paris ouvre.
00:01:08 ...
00:01:10 Sauf qu'au bout d'un moment, je commence un peu à me faire chier.
00:01:13 Je me dis "Je vais quand même faire une petite vidéo
00:01:14 pour Anne et sa journée sans voiture."
00:01:16 Je me filme, je la taquine un peu,
00:01:18 je mets ça sur les réseaux sociaux. Oh putain, ma vache !
00:01:22 Je me suis fait massacrer par les amis de la nature et des oiseaux.
00:01:26 Et je peux dire qu'ils vont mieux avoir des chocus que les écolos.
00:01:29 Ah, les écolos, ils dégorgent mes bio avec un Silex.
00:01:32 J'ai eu des gens d'une virulence.
00:01:34 Il y a un type qui m'a carrément dit "Ouais, si t'aimes pas Paris,
00:01:37 t'as qu'à rentrer à Fort-de-France."
00:01:39 ...
00:01:41 Mon père est camerounais.
00:01:43 ...
00:01:47 Il m'arrive de temps en temps, dans des petits jeux coquins,
00:01:48 de me faire fouettouiller par ma femme,
00:01:51 de me faire de moi un antillais.
00:01:53 ...
00:01:56 J'ai eu des gens d'une virulence.
00:01:58 Il y a un type qui m'a carrément dit "Ouais, allez vous faire foutre,
00:02:00 toi et ton fils."
00:02:02 Moi, j'ai l'habitude, je bosse avec Fogiel, Ruckier,
00:02:05 il n'y a pas de soucis.
00:02:07 Mon fils, il avait un an et demi, à l'époque.
00:02:09 J'ai même été me renseigner à l'église en bâtiment.
00:02:12 Ils m'ont dit "On les prend qu'à partir de 2 ans."
00:02:14 ...
00:02:17 ...
00:02:20 J'ai une dame, j'ai failli avoir de la compassion, elle m'a dit
00:02:23 "Vous respecteriez un peu plus la journée sans voiture,
00:02:27 si comme moi, vous étiez asthmatique."
00:02:29 Là, je lui fais respecter.
00:02:31 Le problème, c'est qu'elle a écrit "Asthmatique"
00:02:33 A-2S-M-A-T-I-Q-E
00:02:35 "Quant à le sida, tu n'écris pas avec 2 D."
00:02:38 ...
00:02:40 Et le pompon, c'est un mec qui me dit
00:02:42 "On ne nous a beaucoup entendu sur la journée sans voiture,
00:02:44 on ne nous a pas beaucoup entendu sur le conflit en Syrie."
00:02:47 ...
00:02:50 On peut comparer ce qui est comparable à des moments, tu vois.
00:02:53 C'est comme pendant la dernière grève des transports.
00:02:56 Tu as un type qui disait à la télé "Oui, c'est une honte,
00:02:58 la grève des transports, c'est une prise en otage des usagers."
00:03:01 ...
00:03:04 Je ne suis pas sûr que le soir de la prise d'otage au Bataclan,
00:03:06 il y en ait qui dit "Tiens, on dirait une grève des transports."
00:03:08 ...
00:03:15 Bref, ça fait un pataquès énorme sur les réseaux.
00:03:18 Et la surprise, Adidalgo me répond.
00:03:21 Elle ne fait pas une vidéo, c'est pas une comique.
00:03:24 A la base, en tout cas.
00:03:26 Elle me répond par écrit.
00:03:28 Elle dit à son nègre "Réponds à ton alter ego."
00:03:31 ...
00:03:34 Et là, mon frère le nègre me dit
00:03:36 "Ouais, quand tu n'as pas le droit de rouler dans Paris,
00:03:38 tu n'as qu'à prendre le métro."
00:03:40 Moi, je suis très con dans ces cas-là.
00:03:42 Ni 1 ni 2, je prends le métro, je me filme,
00:03:45 je fais "Voilà, Anne, j'ai relevé ton défi,
00:03:47 à toi de relever le mien,
00:03:49 à toi de prendre le RER à Sarcelles à 22h30."
00:03:51 ...
00:03:53 Et alors là, le buzz, 6 millions de vues,
00:03:57 les gens qui me klaxonnent dans la rue qui étaient là
00:03:59 "Ouais, tous avec toi Fabrice !
00:04:01 Allez Marine !"
00:04:03 Non, non, non, non, non, non, non.
00:04:05 ...
00:04:08 Parce qu'après, tu es récupéré partout et n'importe quoi.
00:04:10 J'ai des cinglés qui venaient me voir dans la rue qui étaient là
00:04:12 "Ah ouais, tu l'as tué l'autre pute."
00:04:14 ...
00:04:16 C'est pour rigoler, moi, tu sais.
00:04:19 Non, parce que moi, ils m'ont refusé un travail à la mairie de Paris.
00:04:21 Je dis "Oui, c'est des choses qui arrivent, ça c'est..."
00:04:23 Parce que j'ai fait 15 ans de détention.
00:04:25 Je dis "Oui, c'est des choses qui arrivent, ça c'est..."
00:04:27 Par rapport à une agression sexuelle sur une vieille dame.
00:04:30 Je dis "Oui, c'est des choses qui arrivent, ça c'est..."
00:04:32 Mais là, je me réinsérais, hein.
00:04:34 Dans la vie, hein, pas dans la vieille.
00:04:36 ...
00:04:38 Je l'enlève, ça, laisse tomber.
00:04:41 ...
00:04:43 Après, on rigole là-dessus.
00:04:45 On est d'accord, le trianon ce soir, que l'environnement,
00:04:47 c'est quelque chose de très important. On est tous d'accord ?
00:04:49 Je sais pas si vous avez vu récemment encore
00:04:52 les dernières photos satellites de la forêt amazonienne.
00:04:54 Vous avez vu ça ou pas ?
00:04:56 Non ? Non, ça ressemble à ça, en gros, si tu veux.
00:04:58 ...
00:05:00 Ça, ça te fait marrer.
00:05:03 C'est assez rigolo, hein.
00:05:05 Même Marion, elle rigole. Profite, ma chérie, profite, regarde.
00:05:07 On dirait une vieille chatte des années 80.
00:05:09 ...
00:05:12 ...
00:05:14 ...
00:05:16 ...
00:05:18 ...
00:05:20 Serge, il avait déjà sorti sa bifle.
00:05:22 ...
00:05:25 ...
00:05:27 Non, mais, ça ne veut plus rien dire.
00:05:29 C'est pire que toi, la coupe de cheveux, t'as vu ?
00:05:31 Je la garde pour vous faire marrer, hein.
00:05:33 Les gens me reconnaissent de dos dans la rue.
00:05:36 "S'il te plaît, ils sont là." "Fabrice, Fabrice !"
00:05:38 Non, mais regarde l'état du truc, quand même.
00:05:40 On dirait un tournoi au sol en période de canicule.
00:05:42 ...
00:05:44 L'autre jour, j'étais en train de pisser en campagne,
00:05:47 et un mec, il a essayé de me cueillir.
00:05:49 ...
00:05:51 On peut tous faire des choses pour l'environnement.
00:05:53 Je ne sais pas, les sacs en plastique,
00:05:55 vous savez que ça tue les océans, les poissons.
00:05:58 C'est compliqué, parce que tu prends un sac en plastique,
00:06:00 tu tues des poissons.
00:06:02 Tu prends un sac en papier, tu tues des arbres.
00:06:04 Du coup, je vois de plus en plus de gens,
00:06:06 dans le centre de Paris, ils se baladent avec des petits sacs en tissu,
00:06:09 en terre, comme ça.
00:06:11 Moi, quand je vois un homme avec un petit sac en tissu en bande-lire,
00:06:13 je dis "Qu'est-ce qui t'arrive ? Je sauve des poissons."
00:06:15 "Non, tu suces des bites."
00:06:17 ...
00:06:20 ...
00:06:22 Non, non, non, un peu dit pas ça, parce que j'ai eu des soucis avec ça
00:06:24 sur les réseaux sociaux aussi.
00:06:26 Parce que j'ai fait un film qui s'appelle "Coexister",
00:06:28 peut-être qu'ils l'ont vu dans la salle.
00:06:31 Et dedans, il y a un clip de rap parodique
00:06:33 qui s'appelle "Pinkalash", allez voir sur YouTube.
00:06:35 Et en gros, le refrain du clip, c'est...
00:06:37 "9, 2, 9, 3, 9, 4, tous mes vrais gars sont à 4 pattes.
00:06:39 9, 5, 7, 5, 7, 7, 7, 8,
00:06:42 tout méga sûr, elle me suce des bites."
00:06:44 ...
00:06:46 On l'a écrit à 2.
00:06:48 Et là, il y a un mec qui me met sur les réseaux
00:06:50 "Ouais, c'est une honte, tu crois vraiment
00:06:53 que la vie d'un homosexuel se résume à se mettre à 4 pattes
00:06:55 et à sucer des bites ?"
00:06:57 ...
00:06:59 Non, mais après, on parle bien de sexualité.
00:07:01 Après, je me doute bien que la vie d'un homme homosexuel,
00:07:04 c'est pas juste se mettre à 4 pattes et sucer des bites,
00:07:06 c'est aimer aussi, je sais pas, le maquillage,
00:07:08 la coiffure, Chantal Goya...
00:07:10 Je rigole, Marion, je rigole !
00:07:12 ...
00:07:15 C'est juste que j'en ai marre des gens qui rigolent de tout,
00:07:17 sauf de ce qui les concerne.
00:07:19 Moi, par exemple, il y a quelques années de ça,
00:07:21 je faisais une émission télé, je me rappelle plus trop laquelle,
00:07:23 je répétais l'après-midi le sketch que je vais faire en direct le soir,
00:07:26 et en gros, la chute de mon sketch, c'était...
00:07:28 "Parce que comme on le sait tous,
00:07:30 les homosexuels ont tous le sida."
00:07:32 ...
00:07:35 Je l'avais écrit avec texte.
00:07:37 ...
00:07:39 Et là, le producteur de l'émission me dit
00:07:41 "Fabrice, dans mon bureau."
00:07:43 Je lui dis "Qu'est-ce qu'il y a ?"
00:07:45 Il me dit "Tu changes de chute, c'est trop violent."
00:07:48 Je lui dis "Justement, c'est une façon d'énoncer les clichés."
00:07:50 Il me dit "Non, tu changes ton choix de l'émission ce soir."
00:07:52 A l'époque, j'avais pas le choix,
00:07:54 et je finis en disant "Parce que comme on le sait tous,
00:07:56 les Africains ont tous le sida."
00:07:59 Il me fait "Voilà, ça c'est drôle, Fabrice !
00:08:01 ...
00:08:03 Donc rions de tout ce soir,
00:08:05 rions de soi d'abord, et je vais le préciser
00:08:07 à tous les journalistes de la salle, je suis comique.
00:08:10 Je suis pas politique. Je précise parce que par exemple,
00:08:12 dès que t'as un truc qui concerne les Noirs en France maintenant,
00:08:14 t'as plein de journalistes qui m'appellent.
00:08:16 La dernière fois, c'était l'histoire du blackface.
00:08:18 Ils m'appelaient tous "Oui, qu'est-ce que vous en pensez ?"
00:08:21 Je dis "J'en sais rien, moi,
00:08:23 à plein d'intellectuels Noirs."
00:08:25 Ils me disent "Oui, mais Lilian Thuram est pas disponible."
00:08:27 ...
00:08:29 Ils me font chier à chaque fois.
00:08:32 L'autre jour, c'était l'affaire H&M.
00:08:34 Vous vous rappelez de ça ?
00:08:36 Les petits garçons Noirs, ils lui ont mis pour la pub H&M
00:08:38 un suite avec marqué "Petit singe", je sais pas quoi.
00:08:40 Et moi, le pire, c'est que le lendemain,
00:08:43 je suis au petit-déjeuner avec mon fils qui a exactement la même tête que moi...
00:08:45 ...
00:08:47 ...
00:08:49 ...
00:08:51 ...
00:08:54 Et là, je m'aperçois, c'est les choco-pops.
00:08:56 Celles avec le petit singe sur le paquet.
00:08:58 Alors là, je suis emmerdé, je me dis
00:09:00 "Est-ce que je lui retire ses céréales ?"
00:09:02 Et là, il me dit "Papa, je parie une banane ?"
00:09:05 J'ai "Ooooooh !"
00:09:07 ...
00:09:09 Donc, vraiment, rions ce soir.
00:09:11 Ça empêche pas de parler de sujets importants.
00:09:13 Je parlais de l'environnement, c'est un sujet très important.
00:09:16 Il y a eu un reportage sur Arte la semaine dernière.
00:09:18 T'as dû le voir, toi, Clément.
00:09:20 C'était sur le réchauffement climatique.
00:09:22 Un mec qui, pour fuir la misère au Niger,
00:09:24 partait vivre en Inde.
00:09:27 ...
00:09:29 Donc là...
00:09:31 Ça me fait penser à ces retraités en banlieue
00:09:33 quand on peut fuir les Arabes,
00:09:35 ils partent s'installer à Marrakech.
00:09:38 On peut leur dire "C'est les mêmes, tu vois."
00:09:40 C'est pas parce qu'à Marrakech,
00:09:42 ils mettent des petits bonnets rouges à pompons
00:09:44 et qu'ils t'éclaboussent la gueule en te servant du thé
00:09:46 comme ça toute la journée que ça change quelque chose.
00:09:49 Pourquoi vous servez le thé comme ça, les Maghrébins ?
00:09:51 Vous pissez pas comme ça, vous êtes pas là...
00:09:53 ...
00:09:55 Et donc, ils expliquaient dans le reportage,
00:09:58 ils disaient "D'ici 30 ans,
00:10:00 dans certains pays, l'eau vaudra plus cher que le pétrole."
00:10:03 Ah, ils vont moins faire les malins les Qataris, là.
00:10:05 On vous revend le PSG. Combien ?
00:10:07 10 bouteilles des viandes.
00:10:09 Je peux pas me les voir.
00:10:12 Tout ce qui est Qataris, Saoudiens, les pays du Golfe,
00:10:14 parce que c'est des gens...
00:10:16 Ils ont rien branlé pour être riches.
00:10:18 Tu vois ce que je veux dire ?
00:10:20 Fédérère pour être riche, il a fait coudoir, revers,
00:10:23 Bill Gates, il a créé, il a inventé.
00:10:25 Un Saoudien, c'est un mec un jour...
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