A Day at the Oasis-SD

  • 5 months ago
Transcript
00:00:00But I'll tell you it's hard that's missing out One day you're all gonna say
00:00:26I never drink champagne or limo I never get in the VIP bar
00:00:40Maybe some people need to recover To cover up who they really are
00:00:48It's coming I can't wait to say
00:00:55I'm not alone now
00:01:07Might be the life of the party But I know that it's not my thing
00:01:14I got something of substance to say now When I talk you'll be listening
00:01:22It's coming I can't wait to say
00:01:28I'm not alone now
00:01:32Until the day of May
00:01:43I don't care if those skinny girls like me Need a limo, got a six-man car
00:01:53Don't need to go to no stupid party Yeah, I'm still a superstar
00:02:04It's coming No, I can't wait to say
00:02:11I won't be alone now
00:02:15Until the day of May
00:02:18It's coming I can't wait to say
00:02:24I won't be alone now
00:02:28Until the day of May
00:02:35Until the day of May
00:02:40Until the day of May
00:03:10What were you thinking, old man?
00:03:23G'day, Roger. Thanks for coming, mate.
00:03:25Are you guys all acquainted?
00:03:26Do we know each other?
00:03:27Yeah, pretty hard not to around here, isn't it?
00:03:29Great. Name tags. Must find name tags.
00:03:37Are you guys here for the speed dating?
00:03:39You better believe it, champ. You want to get in on the action?
00:03:41I'm actually here to cover the event. I didn't realise.
00:03:45So specifically...
00:03:47Hey, nah. There's girls coming. Definitely. Tons of them.
00:03:52There's girls coming, right?
00:03:53What? Oh, yeah. Girls. Sure. I'm sure they'll be here.
00:03:57I'm sorry. I just saw all their blokes and thought...
00:04:00Sausage sizzle.
00:04:05You must be Kingsley, right?
00:04:06Jason, right?
00:04:07This is Jason, everyone. He's from the North East Gazette.
00:04:09Just drumming up some publicity for us, you know.
00:04:11So next time, you guys read the Gazette?
00:04:18No?
00:04:20Anyway, I might just try and grab each of you at some stage and get some thoughts from you.
00:04:24Bunch of characters like yourselves. I'm sure you'll have plenty to say.
00:04:32Bunch of characters.
00:04:33Bunch of characters.
00:04:36I fucking hate that guy.
00:04:40Are you sure about this, honey?
00:04:42Yeah, of course.
00:04:43Because, you know, if you feel uncomfortable, then just call me up.
00:04:46Mum, it's fine.
00:04:48Hey, you sure you don't want to stick around?
00:04:50You never know. You might meet a handsome guy.
00:04:53I don't think so. Besides, I wouldn't want to cramp your style.
00:04:56Oh, but you wouldn't. I'm going to be going home with the first guy I meet anyway.
00:05:00Probably have his kid, get a tattoo, do some drugs.
00:05:02Alright, alright, alright.
00:05:04I still think you should come.
00:05:06Might be a bit much.
00:05:07Suit yourself. I'll see you later, okay?
00:05:09Okay.
00:05:11CLINKING
00:05:29Might not know a big oop about maths, but this just isn't going to work.
00:05:34Give it time, mate. I'll let you in on a little secret.
00:05:37It's always a good time when old Kingsley's in charge.
00:05:40And where's Kingsley?
00:05:41You're looking at him, sport.
00:05:43Oh.
00:05:49CLINKING
00:05:51CLINKING
00:06:07Jane, is it?
00:06:09Everybody, this is Jane. This is Darren's sister.
00:06:13I think you all know Darren, don't you?
00:06:15Gee, he's my brother, a movie star, is he?
00:06:17Keith fucking Costner or something, huh?
00:06:19Kevin.
00:06:20Darren.
00:06:22Roger.
00:06:24I'm Roger. Roger by name and Roger by nature.
00:06:28Huh?
00:06:29Roger.
00:06:31Ah, well, we might as well get things going, huh?
00:06:33That's it. No others.
00:06:35Others?
00:06:36Like us guys aren't going to blow the roof off this place, huh?
00:06:44Hi, I'm Stephen.
00:06:46Don't think we've started yet.
00:06:47Don't think we've started yet.
00:06:48Oh, yeah, I know. I'm just fast.
00:06:50Everyone's always saying how fast I am.
00:06:54Wow.
00:07:11Round, round, round, round, one, one, one, one.
00:07:14CLANGING
00:07:18All right, now we've got things going.
00:07:21For anyone who mightn't know, my name is Kingsley Matheson and I'm an exterminator.
00:07:30I'll be back.
00:07:33Always cracks them up.
00:07:35Anyway, we've got seven people, so we'll do seven rounds of, say, 15 minutes each.
00:07:41I'm the seventh wheel for this one, I guess.
00:07:44Must be towing a trailer.
00:07:48ZOOM!
00:07:51Bit of bush humour for you.
00:07:54Classic.
00:07:58Anyway, without any further ado, let's get ready to rumble.
00:08:13That was the rumble.
00:08:18We'll get on with it.
00:08:24Do you mind if we...
00:08:25Oh, absolutely.
00:08:26Before these guys get out of control.
00:08:29LAUGHTER
00:08:45So, how long have you been in the shire?
00:08:48Since Leon spent all our power bill money on buying a pregnant tester for his bit on the side, I think.
00:08:54Thinks it's fucking ready, steady, cook, got them in two different ovens.
00:09:00You a bit young for this?
00:09:02How old do you think I am?
00:09:03I don't know, 30?
00:09:15Don't get me wrong, it's just really isn't what I was expecting.
00:09:19What were you expecting?
00:09:20I don't know, about a dozen girls having a water fight.
00:09:22Serious?
00:09:24No, not with the reins we're in.
00:09:30Look, I don't know what I'm doing here, I don't know what I was thinking.
00:09:37So, tell me about your wife then.
00:09:48I suppose, first of all, good job on putting all this together.
00:09:50Oh yeah, good isn't it?
00:09:52Takes some work to kick these blokes into gear though.
00:09:54Are you still expecting someone?
00:09:55No, I might as well turn it off actually.
00:10:01What do you reckon, probably just starting to kick into gear now.
00:10:05Do you think they're coming back?
00:10:08I know it's weird, but this, today, has taken me months.
00:10:12I mean, I love these people and this place.
00:10:16There's so much to do.
00:10:18I mean, I'm not sure I'm going to make it.
00:10:21I love these people and this place, but it just feels like they've all given up sometimes.
00:10:27It's kind of scary, for them.
00:10:40So what kind of music are you into?
00:10:42I don't really, I used to listen to a bit of Jimmy Barnes.
00:10:45Oh yeah, we had a Jimmy Barnes night here once.
00:10:47Jimmy Barnes came here.
00:10:49Oh no, um, yeah, we had a few of his tapes and people brought costumes and yeah, we do theme nights and stuff.
00:10:56Did he bring the tapes?
00:10:58I don't remember.
00:11:03Yeah, good book.
00:11:05Yeah, not bad. Probably a bit hard to concentrate though.
00:11:09Yeah, me too. I'm not much of a reader.
00:11:16Her name is Laurie.
00:11:18Wow, she was really beautiful.
00:11:21Did she like it out here?
00:11:22It was her idea.
00:11:24After she was diagnosed, she just wanted the two of us to get away.
00:11:28And in the year that we had before it happened, she said it was the best time it ever had.
00:11:35For what that's worth.
00:11:38That's not fair, is it?
00:11:40No kidding.
00:11:41I could have been married, you know.
00:11:43Maybe I just wasn't really the marrying type.
00:11:46I'm not sure.
00:11:47Came close once though.
00:11:49Carrie, her name was.
00:11:50We'd been together for two years or something and I took a two month contract, earned some money for a wedding.
00:11:57Our wedding.
00:12:00Had these grand friggin' plans.
00:12:02Sorry, these grand plans and I worked myself into the ground and it doesn't matter.
00:12:09When she left?
00:12:11I came back to an empty house.
00:12:16Oh, sorry.
00:12:17My 30th birthday.
00:12:19Happier times.
00:12:21She wasn't right for me.
00:12:23I probably avoided the gallows there.
00:12:27Bitch.
00:12:38Time to wind this round up.
00:12:41Hey, look.
00:12:42Sorry about before.
00:12:44I don't really know where that came from.
00:12:46So darn far in the past now.
00:12:50She's in town at the moment.
00:12:51Probably just brought some stuff back to the surface.
00:12:54She's in town for you?
00:12:56Couldn't say.
00:12:57She says she wants to catch up or something.
00:12:59It's been a long time.
00:13:01I've invited her to stop in today.
00:13:03I hope it all works out.
00:13:06You got the picture back, right?
00:13:07Oh, yeah.
00:13:08Damn thing just keeps showing up.
00:13:12How'd you meet your wife?
00:13:13Oh, I forget.
00:13:15I think I've repressed that particular memory.
00:13:18I just woke up one day without hopes and dreams and noticed my testicles were missing.
00:13:38Yeah.
00:13:39What a great start to the day.
00:13:41Everyone's having a good time, right?
00:13:46Well, time flies when you're having fun.
00:13:50As if there aren't enough flies around here.
00:13:58So, before the next 15 minutes whizz by,
00:14:01everybody take a look at the schedule board for round two
00:14:04and take a seat at your tables.
00:14:08Round, round, round two, two, two, two, two.
00:14:14Well, come on. What are you all waiting for?
00:14:24So, Jane, I guess that means you must leave.
00:14:26Is that OK?
00:14:27Whatever, dickhead.
00:14:33Well, I'm of Irish-Scottish descent.
00:14:36Six foot one, self-employed and...
00:14:41I like killing backpackers in the desert.
00:14:44Are you even listening to me?
00:14:47Yeah.
00:14:49Just so you know,
00:14:51this...
00:14:53isn't going to happen.
00:14:56How's your brother?
00:14:58You're living with him and his wife, aren't you?
00:15:00Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
00:15:03Settle down, mate.
00:15:04You'll get your chance.
00:15:05Yeah.
00:15:06It's just Roger, though, isn't it?
00:15:08Roger's all right.
00:15:10I'm not worried or anything.
00:15:13Are you drunk like this?
00:15:15Nah.
00:15:16Just something to drink.
00:15:18Think.
00:15:22All my life I've been here.
00:15:23Got everything I want.
00:15:25That's a good attitude.
00:15:26Fucking ace.
00:15:29Well, it shows a lot of strength, you know?
00:15:31I really admire that.
00:15:32Yeah.
00:15:33I've lived out here all my life as well.
00:15:36I really love it out here.
00:15:37It's great.
00:15:38The folks who traditions and the good attitude
00:15:40and the animals.
00:15:42Yeah, I really love it out here.
00:15:44It's great.
00:15:45Yeah, it's pretty great.
00:15:46Right.
00:15:47Well, it's good to have a second opinion anyway.
00:15:50Yeah.
00:15:51I'll let you guys get back into it.
00:15:53I'm a bit thirsty, actually.
00:15:57Little guy loves it out here.
00:16:03Sorry.
00:16:04I'm sorry to be so blunt,
00:16:06but you've just had some bad luck with a partner.
00:16:09Bad luck?
00:16:10That's a new way of putting it.
00:16:12You're saying about the break-up?
00:16:13Kingsley was saying.
00:16:14Kingsley?
00:16:15Kingsley wouldn't know his arse from his anus.
00:16:17You're about the same, mind you.
00:16:20Well, it must be tough.
00:16:21Nah.
00:16:22Better off without the miserable prick.
00:16:24Huh.
00:16:25Except I'm kind of stuck with him now, aren't I?
00:16:27Well, there's no chance of fixing things
00:16:28if you don't have a partner.
00:16:29I'm stuck with him now, aren't I?
00:16:31Well, there's no chance of fixing things with a father.
00:16:33Are you kidding?
00:16:34He ran off with an 18-year-old.
00:16:36That's no good.
00:16:38My wife would...
00:16:39Stupid little slut wouldn't know her arse from her anus.
00:16:42Arse from anus.
00:16:45What are you writing?
00:16:47Poetry.
00:16:49Gay.
00:17:00So, did we all enjoy round two?
00:17:05Alright, great.
00:17:07How about we roll the dice of love?
00:17:10Why don't you stick the dice of love up your...
00:17:12Kidding.
00:17:13Kidding.
00:17:14Gosh.
00:17:19You can see the schedule board.
00:17:21You know where you need to be.
00:17:23And you know where you need to be.
00:17:25And you know where you need to be.
00:17:27And you know where you need to be.
00:17:29And...
00:17:31As Confucius say,
00:17:33he with whom neither slander
00:17:35but gradually soaks into the mind
00:17:37a successful
00:17:39may be called intelligent indeed.
00:17:46Something to think about anyway.
00:17:50Round, round, round.
00:17:51Three, three, three, three, three.
00:18:00So...
00:18:06So...
00:18:08Do you come here often?
00:18:13Do you want another try?
00:18:14Yeah, um...
00:18:18Oh.
00:18:19Weren't you just telling me how fast you were?
00:18:21Hey, nah, this is fast around here.
00:18:22Oh.
00:18:23Oh.
00:18:24Oh.
00:18:26Oh.
00:18:27Oh.
00:18:28Oh, that's fast around here.
00:18:31Oh.
00:18:32Oh, because I'm back in the city, you know,
00:18:33with the big buildings and the bright lights
00:18:35and the fast cars.
00:18:36We'd say that this was kinda awkward.
00:18:38Nah, nah, not around here.
00:18:40In fact, around here,
00:18:42you can go hours between asking a question
00:18:43and getting an answer.
00:18:44It's the laid back country folk and all that.
00:18:46Well, that might be a problem
00:18:48because Kingsley's gonna be ringing the bell
00:18:50in 13 minutes.
00:18:53I like to do sitting
00:18:55and um...
00:18:56when the opportunity arises, how about yourself?
00:18:59I used to carve Tom Arnold figurines out of potatoes.
00:19:01Did people buy them?
00:19:03They weren't for sale.
00:19:05Alright, um...
00:19:07Running in the roadhouse with mum, that's pretty exciting too.
00:19:10Oh yeah, what part?
00:19:11Chico rolls, they're pretty cool.
00:19:13Yeah, they are pretty cool.
00:19:15Yeah, they're cool.
00:19:19Well, so what do you want to talk about?
00:19:28Nothing, mate.
00:19:30Sorry, I've got to plan some more activities and stuff,
00:19:33so if you can please just give me some hush?
00:19:38I'll just wait outside, shall I?
00:19:40Maybe just for a few minutes?
00:19:49Okay.
00:20:04Hi, Kerry, Kingsley again.
00:20:07I hope you get this message soon.
00:20:09We're all having a great time.
00:20:12Hey, you guys, settle down a bit, eh?
00:20:14I've got to talk to you.
00:20:20Sorry about that.
00:20:22I'll see you soon, huh?
00:20:41Look, I don't get what we're doing.
00:20:42Nothing really.
00:20:43Look, just tell me a bit about yourself, why you're here, that kind of thing.
00:20:45Oh, jeez.
00:20:47My name's Roger, and I've been out in the bush all my life,
00:20:50and I come here today because...
00:20:55Well, it doesn't matter.
00:20:56Look, I didn't come here to talk to no friggin' physiotherapist.
00:21:00No offence.
00:21:01Oh, that's fine.
00:21:05Look, it's tough out here, isn't it?
00:21:06Well, it wouldn't be any easier anywhere else.
00:21:09I don't talk to girls much.
00:21:12You know, practice makes perfect, eh?
00:21:16What the fuck's that supposed to mean?
00:21:18I don't like girls and women, that kind of thing.
00:21:20You're a cockspank.
00:21:23So what does a farm boy get up to exactly?
00:21:25Other than, well, you know, the obvious.
00:21:28What obvious?
00:21:29You know, all those cold, lonely nights.
00:21:31You go on up to the stables and...
00:21:32Reenact the birth of Christ?
00:21:33Something like that.
00:21:34Horse sex? No.
00:21:36They wouldn't have you?
00:21:37Quite the opposite.
00:21:38Go on, commitment.
00:21:39I'm not really a one-horse man.
00:21:40Go on then, so what's a normal day for you?
00:21:42Wake up an hour before the sun rises.
00:21:45Milk the chickens.
00:21:46Harvest the cows.
00:21:47I'm not sure you got that quite right.
00:21:50I might need to make a call.
00:22:00They seem to have taken the speed out of speed dating.
00:22:04Actually, they seem to have taken the dating out of speed dating too.
00:22:07Yeah.
00:22:10So how are you finding it out here?
00:22:12It's okay.
00:22:14Thought there'd be a few more blokes around here though today.
00:22:16You're lucky.
00:22:18Five guys to two women.
00:22:20Odds are better for you than us.
00:22:22Yeah, there's five blokes.
00:22:23One's a 90-year-old, one's a kid, and you and Kingsley...
00:22:26Too sexy?
00:22:28Yeah, get that all the time.
00:22:31Yeah, but I just wouldn't.
00:22:34You don't even know me.
00:22:36No offence, but come on.
00:22:40You ever been married or anything?
00:22:42What do you fucking think?
00:22:43I don't know.
00:22:44No, I don't talk to women much, and women don't talk to me neither.
00:22:47That sounds like heaven.
00:22:48Can't suck my wife up.
00:22:50I'll have her.
00:22:51She's yours. She ain't fussy.
00:22:52You're joking, right?
00:22:53No, I put in a good word for you.
00:22:55Look, it's 44 Marsh Road.
00:22:58Bedroom's first door on the right.
00:23:00And the cistern runs.
00:23:02I've got a house and toilet work's fine, thanks.
00:23:05Now I do hope you're ready for this.
00:23:07Oh my God.
00:23:22Stephen's getting laid.
00:23:27Stephen.
00:23:29That one was for my peeps.
00:23:31They can keep it.
00:23:33So, we've got like two minutes left.
00:23:35You got any other tricks up your sleeve?
00:23:36Well, yes I do, Michelle.
00:23:39Do you see this coin?
00:23:40Yes.
00:23:44Oh, then no.
00:23:47So, how come I never see you at the Roadhouse?
00:23:50You don't like our food?
00:23:51So you're saying I should drop in?
00:23:52Yeah, definitely.
00:23:54I'll even give you a free water.
00:23:55Fantastic.
00:23:56On weekdays, between 3 and 5.
00:23:57Cash only, not valid with any other offer.
00:23:59Expires March 9.
00:24:00That.
00:24:01No rain checks.
00:24:02Sounds good.
00:24:03It's a date.
00:24:04Really?
00:24:17Alrighty, is everybody ready to get the next round going?
00:24:21Right, still a bit shy, huh?
00:24:23Do we need to try an icebreaker or something?
00:24:25Isn't that what today is?
00:24:27What?
00:24:28No, I mean like an activity.
00:24:29Get everyone relaxed.
00:24:30Warmed up.
00:24:31That kind of thing.
00:24:32Actually, I've got just the thing.
00:24:34I want everybody to write down the name of the first famous person that they think of.
00:24:39But don't use me or I'll get embarrassed.
00:24:46I'll get the name tags.
00:24:47This'll be great.
00:24:52You could have just said that you don't want to play.
00:24:55What do you mean?
00:24:57Shit.
00:24:59You're shitting me.
00:25:00Who would have guessed?
00:25:03Okay, Jason.
00:25:04I know I wrote something different at least, so it's on to you.
00:25:12Am I a famous author?
00:25:14Yes.
00:25:16Am I...
00:25:18Leo Tolstoy?
00:25:20He's very good.
00:25:21Oh, come on.
00:25:22He didn't get that by himself.
00:25:24Who told him?
00:25:26The marker went through the table, Kings.
00:25:29Right.
00:25:31No problem.
00:25:32This is why I have backup ideas.
00:25:34Who's heard of Chinese whispers?
00:25:36No way.
00:25:37None of that ethnic bullshit.
00:25:39Yeah, Chinese whispers.
00:25:41Can't understand them even when they talk loud.
00:25:45That's why they squint so much.
00:25:47They can't understand each other.
00:25:49Can we move on?
00:25:51Good idea.
00:25:52I've got another activity.
00:25:54Much further on.
00:25:55Griffo.
00:25:56This guy.
00:26:00No, no, no.
00:26:01Seriously.
00:26:02I've got a real fun one we can do.
00:26:04Just need to break up into a couple of groups.
00:26:08John, Michelle and Stephen, you're one group.
00:26:12Roger, Griffo, Jane, you're the other group.
00:26:16Jason and I will just be neutral.
00:26:18Think you got neutral at birth?
00:26:20No offence.
00:26:21Right.
00:26:22It's a team challenge.
00:26:24You need to choose three things.
00:26:26All of them need to fit in a pocket
00:26:28that you would choose to have
00:26:30if you were going to be stranded on an island.
00:26:32And...
00:26:34Start.
00:26:35Three minutes.
00:26:36Three minutes.
00:26:49You young people can handle this.
00:26:51I'm just going to get some fresh air.
00:27:02Hey, sorry about the date thing before.
00:27:05See, here's the thing.
00:27:06I thought we were talking about actual dates.
00:27:09Like, the ones you eat.
00:27:13What is a date anyway?
00:27:14Like a dried plum or something?
00:27:16A date's a date.
00:27:17It's not a dried anything.
00:27:18I think that's a prune.
00:27:20Oh, no shit.
00:27:25So we're stranded on a desert island.
00:27:27Yeah, nice navigating doofus.
00:27:29I knew I should have asked for directions
00:27:31when I saw those icebergs.
00:27:32Well, if you'd have been looking at the map
00:27:34and doing your makeup in the rear view mirror...
00:27:36Well, if you'd let me out of the house
00:27:37without my face on once in a while...
00:27:39If you'd take care of yourself a little better...
00:27:41Didn't hear your brother complaining?
00:27:43Or your dad?
00:27:45Ouch.
00:27:46I'm bigger, right?
00:27:47Not in any way.
00:27:48But I already knew that.
00:27:49I read it in the Shine newsletter.
00:27:51Well, maybe you can read this too.
00:27:57You guys take these games pretty seriously.
00:27:59I'm a winner.
00:28:01Okay, time's up.
00:28:03Let's see what we've got.
00:28:05Stephen, tell me what your team came up with.
00:28:08Right.
00:28:09A cigarette lighter for fires and a light.
00:28:13A pack of Skittles, because we all like Skittles.
00:28:16And, yeah, like a folded plastic sheet
00:28:18for shelter and that sort of thing.
00:28:20We didn't really think...
00:28:21What?
00:28:22That's stupid.
00:28:23You ever travelled before?
00:28:24Good.
00:28:25A bit of healthy competition.
00:28:27Jane thinks I did better.
00:28:28Jane.
00:28:29Right.
00:28:30Dead easy.
00:28:31Three things.
00:28:32A phone.
00:28:33Heaps of American money.
00:28:34And...
00:28:36Plane tickets.
00:28:37Fucking cinch.
00:28:38It's a deserted island.
00:28:39We're good at those things.
00:28:40You never said it was a deserted island.
00:28:42You said it was an island.
00:28:43We can't help it if you guys are all fucking...
00:28:51It's just a stupid game, guys.
00:28:53Whatever.
00:28:54Sore losers.
00:28:55I mean, who would even want to go to an island like that?
00:28:58All deserty and shit.
00:28:59Stupid game.
00:29:00Just a waste of fucking time.
00:29:02I mean, why would a plane even land there?
00:29:04No petrol.
00:29:05Idiot.
00:29:06There's no food or phones, but now there's a petrol station.
00:29:09Think about it.
00:29:10No wonder you've never had sex.
00:29:12All right, Kingsley, what are our next pairs?
00:29:14I think we've broken a little too much ice.
00:29:16Sure.
00:29:19Thanks for that.
00:29:20It's all right.
00:29:21It's not your fault no one will have sex with you.
00:29:23OK, so let's just get into round four.
00:29:25I had written some fun questions to help us out.
00:29:30Use them.
00:29:31Don't use them.
00:29:33It's up to you.
00:29:34Let's just put the icebreaker behind us and get this thing cranking again, hey?
00:29:54All right, this is a good one.
00:29:56What is the worst job you've ever worked?
00:29:59As a no-nonsense prison warden with a heart of gold.
00:30:02Let's not do this, hey?
00:30:04I'd rather just talk.
00:30:11You seem a bit frustrated.
00:30:13Do I? How come?
00:30:14Well, I don't know.
00:30:15I mean, I'm having a good time, but it seems like maybe you're hoping for a bit more than this.
00:30:19Oh, no, no.
00:30:20That's how these things start.
00:30:21It's building to something.
00:30:25What am I supposed to do with it?
00:30:27Well, don't ask me.
00:30:28It's your shoe now.
00:30:30Awesome.
00:30:32All right.
00:30:34Double or nothing.
00:30:38What?
00:30:39Never played shooby-doo before?
00:30:41Once.
00:30:43I know.
00:30:44It's not working, is it?
00:30:45It's a joke.
00:30:46No.
00:30:47No, it's fine.
00:30:48I'm having a good time.
00:30:54I used to be a catwalker.
00:30:57I used to take my neighbour's cats for walks for money.
00:30:59That's the worst job I've ever had.
00:31:01We can talk about that if you'd rather.
00:31:03A catwalker? That's priceless.
00:31:04I thought that might cheer you up.
00:31:05Yeah.
00:31:06So, God, how did you ever get to become a prison warden?
00:31:10I was joking.
00:31:11So was I.
00:31:12We're not all Roger.
00:31:13What?
00:31:14Oh, nothing, mate.
00:31:15Different Roger.
00:31:16Oh, different Roger.
00:31:18I think Stephen might be going a bit mental, you know.
00:31:21You mean Kingsley?
00:31:22Christ, you're as bad as he is.
00:31:24Tell you there's some dumb people here today.
00:31:28Just the way I bring spares, eh?
00:31:32So, Roger, if you could have any four people come to a dinner party, who would they be?
00:31:37People from around here? Where at?
00:31:39I don't think that matters.
00:31:40Just, you know, anyone in history.
00:31:43Never really been to a dinner party.
00:31:47Jesus.
00:31:48Moses.
00:31:49Bradman.
00:31:50Einstein.
00:31:51Madonna.
00:31:52Bob Saget.
00:31:53Yeah, they'd be good.
00:31:54They'd be alright, I guess.
00:31:55Strong answer.
00:31:57You're alright, sister, eh?
00:32:01If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?
00:32:04Fucking bored one.
00:32:05What kind of question is that?
00:32:07Okay.
00:32:09Next.
00:32:12What's your favourite film?
00:32:15I like that Negro one.
00:32:17Negro one?
00:32:18You know, the one with the African guy?
00:32:21What or who would be your perfect partner?
00:32:26Well, my wife would be pretty close.
00:32:29But she's passed now, so...
00:32:30She's not really perfect, then, is she?
00:32:33No.
00:32:34I guess not.
00:32:38So you drive trucks around here, do you?
00:32:40Yeah, got a little run I do through here.
00:32:42Never thought of settling down somewhere a bit nicer.
00:32:46Not specially?
00:32:47Not even if you've found the right woman?
00:32:49I have.
00:32:50Heaps of times.
00:32:52Problem is, right women don't seem to want to have much to do with me.
00:32:57Even the wrong ones aren't too keen.
00:32:59Jane is, um...
00:33:00She's really something, isn't she?
00:33:02She's okay.
00:33:04All pretty much the same to me now.
00:33:06So why haven't you come here today?
00:33:10No.
00:33:11Glutton for punishment, I suppose.
00:33:13So you are ready for marriage?
00:33:16Shit, this is a long one.
00:33:19If you went on holiday and then were stranded on an island, what...
00:33:34Oh.
00:33:36I'm sorry.
00:33:37I'm sorry.
00:33:38I'm sorry.
00:33:39I'm sorry.
00:33:40I'm sorry.
00:33:41I'm sorry.
00:33:42I'm sorry.
00:33:43I'm sorry.
00:33:45What three things would you bring?
00:33:49A boat.
00:33:50Some fuel.
00:33:51And Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
00:33:57I just think he'd be a cool guy.
00:34:01There's no answers.
00:34:06So how did she die?
00:34:07I don't think that's on the list.
00:34:09Well, I know.
00:34:10I'm just asking.
00:34:14Cancer.
00:34:17Could have been worse then.
00:34:22How?
00:34:25I could have died.
00:34:28I can't do this.
00:34:45Oh, you guys go back inside.
00:34:47I'm fine.
00:34:48I just wanted some fresh air.
00:34:54The whole thing's shot now.
00:34:55We're out of sync and...
00:34:57Don't panic.
00:34:58Let's look at the schedule.
00:35:02I think if we swap this round and this round,
00:35:04I'll duck outside with these guys.
00:35:06They'll even things out.
00:35:09Cheers, Jay.
00:35:10That leaves Roger with Jay.
00:35:12And I'm with you, Stevie.
00:35:23You guys have been designated the outdoor round.
00:35:25Sounds good.
00:35:27Great.
00:35:28I think Kingsley's about to have a coronary in there.
00:35:30That is great.
00:35:32Tony, you alright?
00:35:33You and Jane didn't hit it off too well?
00:35:34Yeah, Jane.
00:35:35She's a real catch.
00:35:36Reminds me of Audrey Hepburn.
00:35:38Yeah.
00:35:39Must have seen her other movies.
00:35:40Jane's in movies too?
00:35:43Well, hardly surprising, I guess.
00:35:47Feels like forever since I had a fuck.
00:35:49How long?
00:35:50Years?
00:35:52Nah.
00:35:53Not the Arch Pope or anything.
00:35:57You seeing anyone at the minute?
00:35:59Nah, not really.
00:36:03Do you think we should go out there?
00:36:04I feel we should be out there, shouldn't we?
00:36:06I think they might want the space for a bit.
00:36:08They'll be back soon enough.
00:36:09Michelle will be back soon, okay?
00:36:11Oh, is she out there, is she?
00:36:13Didn't really notice.
00:36:16You in town for long?
00:36:17Dunno.
00:36:18Is it worth me sticking around, you think?
00:36:20Oh, it's pretty good around here.
00:36:21We've got some dog trials coming up in a few weeks.
00:36:24Is that it?
00:36:25Well, we can check and see if there's some trials coming up somewhere else.
00:36:28Nah, I mean, is that all you're going to do?
00:36:30I thought you were different from these other blokes.
00:36:32Yeah, I am different.
00:36:33Well, then grow some balls for fuck's sake.
00:36:35Yeah, that's right.
00:36:36You heard me.
00:36:37Yeah, that's right.
00:36:38You heard me.
00:36:39These guys couldn't get a fuck in a gay bar.
00:36:41What?
00:36:42Right.
00:36:43That's enough bullshit.
00:36:44Let's go.
00:36:45What?
00:36:46Here?
00:36:47Now?
00:36:48But you're pregnant, ain't ya?
00:36:49Exactly.
00:36:50So it's a freebie, isn't it?
00:36:51I knew these twins when I was younger.
00:36:53Oh, it's one in a hundred.
00:36:55Come on.
00:36:56We've got eight minutes till he starts banging on his mileage.
00:36:59You think eight won't be enough?
00:37:08Well, good for them.
00:37:12Yeah.
00:37:20Do you think good robots go to heaven?
00:37:22Maybe.
00:37:24I hope so.
00:37:28So what's your story?
00:37:30How do you mean?
00:37:31What are you running from?
00:37:33I'm not running from anything.
00:37:35Well, who then?
00:37:37Look, you're a nice guy, Griffo, but I'm not about to cry on your shoulder.
00:37:43So what do you reckon they're doing in there?
00:37:45What do you mean, they?
00:37:47Do you guys fucking mind?
00:37:49It's a privacy.
00:37:50Yeah, fine.
00:37:51Of course.
00:37:52Fucking perverts.
00:38:06Was this on the schedule?
00:38:11They'll finish up soon, won't they?
00:38:13What are you in a hurry to get back in there?
00:38:15It's hot out here.
00:38:16I'm sure we could get used to the sound.
00:38:17How bad could it be?
00:38:23We can wait.
00:38:25Oh!
00:38:26Oh, that's it!
00:38:28Oh, work it, big boy!
00:38:30Oh!
00:38:31Oh!
00:38:32Oh!
00:38:33Oh!
00:38:35Are you going to say anything?
00:38:37Are they going to think I'm a dud rooch?
00:38:39Oh, yeah.
00:38:40Whee!
00:38:41Yeah!
00:38:42Right on, cowboy!
00:38:44Is that how you have sex?
00:38:46No, I normally use my dick too.
00:38:51Why are we doing this again?
00:38:53Bored?
00:38:54Plus, I've got a reputation to maintain.
00:38:58You didn't really think we were going to have sex, did you?
00:39:00No, of course not.
00:39:02You might want to put those back on then.
00:39:04Yeah, gotcha.
00:39:07You like kids?
00:39:08Which ones?
00:39:09I mean, I don't really know any.
00:39:10I only really care about this one.
00:39:12Well, it's hard to say.
00:39:13I mean, he's not either here nor there, is he?
00:39:15I reckon he's great.
00:39:17He talks to me sometimes.
00:39:19Says he wants a daddy.
00:39:21Shit.
00:39:22I couldn't talk until I was at least four.
00:39:25Will anyone mind if I stop using that room for my one-on-ones?
00:39:29I think old Roger and Jane have already used it.
00:39:31I think we already got that one, Stevie.
00:39:34It's Steven.
00:39:35I prefer Stevie.
00:39:37Stop it, will you?
00:39:38Stevie.
00:39:39What kind of a name is Griffo?
00:39:41What's your first name anyway? It's probably stupid.
00:39:43Steven.
00:39:44Stupid.
00:39:45Sounds like someone needs a hug.
00:39:48Am I going to need my rape whistle?
00:39:50Need is such a strong word.
00:39:54Oh, wait, I think they might have, um...
00:39:58I think they might have found their second wind.
00:40:02Looks like they've sent a new benchmark for us, Stevie.
00:40:09Do you like pickles?
00:40:16Yeah, I got one.
00:40:18What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
00:40:21No, wash it off, move it.
00:40:23What are you doing, jokes or domestic tips?
00:40:25You don't take her out again.
00:40:31Why would a woman crap on your car?
00:40:33She wouldn't. That's why it's funny.
00:40:35You suck!
00:40:37It was funny, all right? And I know funny.
00:40:39And that was it. Funny.
00:40:40Well, why don't you take your material on the road, Stevie?
00:40:43Well, it's not ready.
00:40:52Those guys are mean.
00:40:53Those guys are mean.
00:40:54Poor Stevie.
00:40:55Don't you start.
00:40:56What's wrong with Stevie?
00:40:57Who cares what people call you? It's just a name.
00:40:59You could call me Uncle Wensledale if you wanted to.
00:41:02I already have an Uncle Wensledale.
00:41:03That'd be really confusing.
00:41:04Poor guy's got enough trouble as it is.
00:41:06I think we could sort something out.
00:41:07The point is, it's just a name, so who cares?
00:41:10Because it's not just Stevie.
00:41:11It's Stevie!
00:41:14If you knew my brother, you'd understand.
00:41:16Still no girls, though, Stevie.
00:41:18Out of tissues again, Stevie.
00:41:20No, I don't have any old socks, Stevie.
00:41:22Why would you want an old sock?
00:41:24You're a loser, Stevie.
00:41:26Yes, Stevie, a total loser.
00:41:28You want to go have sex on his bed, babe?
00:41:30Oh, yeah, but only if he's not in it.
00:41:33I love you, Michael.
00:41:35Well, I love me too, babe.
00:41:40Hey, is that one supposed to be his wife?
00:41:42Nah, that's both him. He's really lonely.
00:41:44So what's his wife like, then?
00:41:46She's alright. He keeps her in line pretty well.
00:41:48The old left hook here, the right hook there.
00:41:52Are you serious?
00:41:54Do you think that's funny?
00:41:55No.
00:41:56Um, not for her, anyway.
00:41:58No, you're right. Spousal abuse is hilarious.
00:42:00Hey, you got any good ones on pedophilia?
00:42:02No.
00:42:04Well, actually, no.
00:42:08Look, just try and keep the wife beating jokes under wraps, yeah?
00:42:14So, like, were you...
00:42:16What does that matter?
00:42:18What, oh, it's okay to impersonate a blind person because they can't see you?
00:42:21Musical comedy isn't really my thing.
00:42:23No, gutless sarcasm seems a better fit.
00:42:25Hey, I'm sorry, alright?
00:42:27I'm just nervous. I don't do this sort of stuff very often.
00:42:30Oh, give me a break.
00:42:32Do you know why you feel like people treat you like a kid?
00:42:34It's because you act like one.
00:42:36You go around acting like everything's someone else's fault.
00:42:38But the truth is, you can't blame anyone else on you being a loser, Stevie.
00:42:42That's just you.
00:42:46Fair enough.
00:42:51Oops.
00:43:09You're paying for that, Stevie.
00:43:11Yep.
00:43:13Good day.
00:43:16No, come on.
00:43:18You're either very good or very clumsy.
00:43:20Got all the finish by now, had a shower, had a nap, made a sandwich,
00:43:24and rolled Stevie's mum over by now.
00:43:26Shh.
00:43:28I think they've stopped.
00:43:33Okay.
00:43:35We're going.
00:43:37You bunch of losers are making my baby depressed.
00:43:39What's that?
00:43:41Yeah, they are pathetic.
00:43:43See ya. Thanks, Kingsley.
00:43:53It's a shame Jane left when she did, mate.
00:43:55I see some real magic happening between you two, John.
00:43:57No offence, Griffo, but I'm beginning to understand why you drive trucks for a living.
00:44:02Is it because I rock?
00:44:08Things seem to be going well with him.
00:44:10Sure, yeah. Great.
00:44:13Sorry, who?
00:44:14Michelle.
00:44:15Jeez, mate, blind Freddy could see you've got a thing for her.
00:44:17Yeah, well, let's hope he's mute Freddy then too, eh?
00:44:20You don't want her knowing you're keen?
00:44:22I don't want him talking to her first.
00:44:23Chicks dig blind guys.
00:44:24And mute guys, mind you, so I'm screwed either way.
00:44:28It's just a figure of speech, you know.
00:44:30Figure of speech.
00:44:32Pretty harsh thing to say about a mute, mate.
00:44:34Carrie.
00:44:35Carrie, hey, you gonna come down?
00:44:38No, no, we're still going.
00:44:40No, we're definitely kicking on.
00:44:42Me? I'm outside.
00:44:44Yeah, yeah, it's Bedlam in there.
00:44:46These guys are crazy.
00:44:48Your toes itchy?
00:44:52Itchy?
00:44:53No, there's still plenty of time.
00:44:55You should come down.
00:44:56We'd all love to have you here.
00:44:59Please.
00:45:04Yeah, of course.
00:45:06How long are you here for?
00:45:11Oh, thought it must have been something like that.
00:45:14Of course.
00:45:17Maybe next time, yeah?
00:45:22Yeah.
00:45:26Let me ask you something.
00:45:27Do I look like the kind of guy who's had a lot of experience with women?
00:45:30Well...
00:45:31Well, you know, this may shock you, but I haven't.
00:45:33So a girl like Michelle walks in here,
00:45:35and things seem to be going great,
00:45:37and I take one false move and...
00:45:40Carnage.
00:45:41It doesn't get any easier with practice.
00:45:43Are you serious?
00:45:44Yeah, it's like this.
00:45:45I've been married to one for five years,
00:45:47and I get home on Monday,
00:45:48and she's all hugs and kisses and cooked dinners.
00:45:51I get home on Tuesday,
00:45:52and she's snarls and cold shoulders,
00:45:54and I'm sleeping on the couch.
00:45:56You know what's different between Monday and Tuesday?
00:45:58What?
00:45:59Nothing.
00:46:00That's the point.
00:46:02Why don't you just divorce her then?
00:46:03Who's got the energy for that?
00:46:06It'd be so much easier if just guys could get with other guys.
00:46:12So you want to go for a drink or something later on?
00:46:17I can't keep doing this.
00:46:19Well, you won't have to for much longer.
00:46:22We're all but done in there.
00:46:24Not that.
00:46:25Just generally.
00:46:26I can't keep pretending that things are going to be okay.
00:46:30It's just one more person, mate.
00:46:32The day's halfway over anyway.
00:46:34What?
00:46:35Today was about her.
00:46:37She's not just one more person.
00:46:39She's mate's fiancée.
00:46:41Wait.
00:46:42You were trying to impress your ex with speed dating?
00:46:44No.
00:46:45Yes.
00:46:47I don't know.
00:46:48Probably just wanted to show that I was
00:46:50getting on with life and doing alright.
00:46:54So wait.
00:46:55The rest of us,
00:46:57the ones that actually came along,
00:46:59we're just here to impress your ex?
00:47:01Can't this wait, mate?
00:47:02No, it can't.
00:47:03It's a rubbish fuck whistle.
00:47:04Put half a dozen people through this for his own petty need.
00:47:07It wasn't just about that.
00:47:08It was supposed to be a chance for all of us.
00:47:10Bullshit.
00:47:11Bullshit?
00:47:12You want me to apologise?
00:47:13Nah, forget it.
00:47:14No, no.
00:47:15You're right.
00:47:16The guilt's been killing me.
00:47:17I'm sorry for putting you through this.
00:47:19I'm sorry for wasting time you didn't need
00:47:21and money you didn't spend.
00:47:23Take a look at yourself, mate.
00:47:24Just all a big cop-out, isn't it?
00:47:26You don't know me.
00:47:28Don't pretend you know me, you cocky shit.
00:47:30I know you'd written this off before you even got here, mate.
00:47:32What kind of attitude is that?
00:47:33Look at me.
00:47:34What?
00:47:35I'm supposed to take today seriously?
00:47:37What'd be the point in that?
00:47:38Yeah, all just too hard, isn't it?
00:47:40Take a step off your high horse, mate.
00:47:42Today's just been a sad, pathetic joke.
00:47:45And while we're talking about sad, pathetic jokes,
00:47:47why don't you take a look at yourself?
00:47:49You're a laughing stock.
00:47:50A bloody embarrassment.
00:47:52And you judge me.
00:47:53At least I'm trying.
00:47:55I'd rather try and fail than sit around and cry about it.
00:47:57Leave it, Kings.
00:47:59What about you then, John?
00:48:01What about me?
00:48:02You know better.
00:48:03You've both just given up.
00:48:05Is this what the future holds, is it?
00:48:07What are you saying, Kingsley?
00:48:08I'm really sorry that you lost your wife, mate.
00:48:10But it doesn't mean you should just start batting for stumps.
00:48:13Staying here and being miserable doesn't bring her back, John.
00:48:16And she wouldn't want you to stay if you're not happy.
00:48:18Stop it, mate.
00:48:19Look, I'll play along and watch you try and fix our problems with these childish games.
00:48:23But I draw the line at you telling me what my wife would think.
00:48:28How did it get to this?
00:48:31For any of us, I don't want to be like this.
00:48:37Hey, are we going to finish this thing off?
00:48:42Yeah, everything's fine.
00:48:44We'll be in in a minute.
00:48:45Whenever you're ready.
00:48:50Look, I'm sorry, guys.
00:48:54It just hasn't been my day, you know.
00:48:57Don't worry, mate.
00:48:58It hasn't been anybody's day.
00:49:13Okay, I've lost track.
00:49:15Has everybody had the chance to talk to everybody yet?
00:49:18I think so.
00:49:19Right. It's up to you guys then.
00:49:21Do we want to stick around a bit longer to finish the wine off?
00:49:24Oh, not me. My ride's here.
00:49:26Right.
00:49:27Sounds like the final siren to me.
00:49:29I'm going to start packing away.
00:49:34Hey, I'm sorry for losing it before.
00:49:38I was too harsh.
00:49:39I just...
00:49:40Nah, it's alright.
00:49:41You were right about most of it anyway.
00:49:45Hey, Stephen.
00:49:46You'll come past the roadhouse sometime, right?
00:49:49I can give you a free Chico roll.
00:49:51Honestly, I don't actually like Chico rolls.
00:49:55Does anyone?
00:49:56Sorry, Michelle, I think you left your phone.
00:49:59Oh, thanks.
00:50:08Are you fucking insane?
00:50:10We're not still doing this, are we?
00:50:11No, mate.
00:50:12I've got no idea what you're doing, I'm afraid.
00:50:16You alright?
00:50:17Yeah.
00:50:19How'd it go?
00:50:20It was good.
00:50:21Good group.
00:50:26Kingsley, what do you want this?
00:50:29Am I missing something here?
00:50:31It's not going to happen, okay?
00:50:32I'm way out of my depth.
00:50:33And do you really think a girl like that is going to stick around with me?
00:50:36Mate, you're asking the wrong blokes.
00:50:37It's just like Jason was saying.
00:50:39He's married.
00:50:40He's no happier than any of us.
00:50:41Yeah, well, Stephen, I didn't mean he should just give up.
00:50:44Hey, Stephen, you know why I organised today?
00:50:46Because I know what it's like to have someone.
00:50:48I mean, it all fell apart and that was hard.
00:50:51Really hard.
00:50:52But I'd give anything to have another go at it.
00:50:54Would you?
00:50:55Why?
00:50:56He's right, Stephen.
00:50:57I've been at the top and the bottom.
00:50:59It's worth it, mate.
00:51:14What was that sound?
00:51:15He makes his own CDs.
00:51:16He's very good.
00:51:18Little brother.
00:51:19How goes it?
00:51:20Yes, good.
00:51:21Good conference as far as conferences go.
00:51:23Okay.
00:51:24Any luck with the dating?
00:51:25I do live in this area too, you know.
00:51:27Never hear the end of this, will I?
00:51:29Why, what'd you do?
00:51:30He let one off the hook, mate.
00:51:31Oh, rookie mistake, pumpkin.
00:51:33Gotta reel him in like a four-foot snapper, Stephen.
00:51:35I never ever reeled in a four-foot snapper.
00:51:37What do you expect, a virgin party?
00:51:38I thought you didn't want another one.
00:51:39I never had a virgin party.
00:51:41Stephen, you're going to give our family a bad name.
00:51:45And let's face it, Stevie, your name can't afford to get any worse.
00:51:50Right, so where's this girl?
00:51:52She's gone home with her mum.
00:51:53Oh, and where does she live?
00:51:54Oh, we don't know.
00:51:55Too bad.
00:51:56Can't say we didn't try, though.
00:51:57I'm sorry.
00:52:00Yeah, I'm sure I smell a pussy nearby.
00:52:02Might be mistaking it for a four-foot snapper.
00:52:04No, I definitely smell a pussy.
00:52:06You can get an ointment for that.
00:52:08She's on Lime Street.
00:52:09Lime Street?
00:52:10More like Lame Street.
00:52:12Lame Street?
00:52:22No, I don't know it.
00:52:23Don't know it?
00:52:24Kim used to live on Lime Street.
00:52:26Used to spend every second night with Kim.
00:52:27Did you and Kim get up to any funny business?
00:52:30Kim's a guy.
00:52:31That's what I'm asking.
00:52:32Hey, that's my faggot younger brother you're talking about there.
00:52:43Lime Street.
00:52:45Classic.
00:53:04I love this city.
00:53:13No, no.
00:53:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:53:23There's that drought relief.
00:53:26Why do you do that?
00:53:27Back at the conference.
00:53:30Why can't you ever let me have my own thing?
00:53:32I was only messing around.
00:53:34How else am I supposed to have fun around here?
00:53:36Aside from being a wanker, I don't know.
00:53:38What?
00:53:39This baller always has to be on you, eh?
00:53:41Fuck off.
00:53:42I'm driving you to see this girl, aren't I?
00:53:44Yeah, but did you ask me if I wanted to go?
00:53:47Go on, get off your chest.
00:53:49Don't worry about it.
00:53:50Let's go.
00:53:52Do you want to see this girl or not?
00:53:54Well, I'd like to be able to decide for myself.
00:53:57Ooh, sprouted some testicles, huh?
00:53:59Good for you.
00:54:03Fine, what do you want to do?
00:54:05Take me there.
00:54:06Just don't get any ideas of your own about her.
00:54:09I've got a woman.
00:54:11Besides, if she's interested in you, I'm way out of her league.
00:54:25Drop me home.
00:54:26You never let me drive your car.
00:54:28It's just because I'm not a very good bloke.
00:54:30Are you going to drop me home or what?
00:54:31Hell yeah.
00:54:32I'm sick of the sight of you.
00:54:40I'm going to embarrass myself, aren't I?
00:54:43We're only ever going to tell you this once, alright?
00:54:46But it's possible a woman could actually like you.
00:54:49Thanks.
00:54:50Don't get carried away.
00:54:51I'm talking relatives, the elderly, Kenny G.
00:54:55Your mother.
00:54:56Our mother? What the fuck's wrong with you, Stevie?
00:54:58What? She's hot.
00:55:01I know.
00:55:03Too bad Dad got in first, I guess.
00:55:05Yeah.
00:55:06And the whole giving birth to us thing, that's kind of a bit weird, eh?
00:55:10Maybe.
00:55:11Yeah.
00:55:14Thanks.
00:55:20This was a mistake.
00:55:23You need to go home.
00:55:24I am home.
00:55:26I don't think you're happy.
00:55:27It's nothing to do with being out here.
00:55:29I like it out here.
00:55:30I do.
00:55:32So what then?
00:55:34There's nothing to tell.
00:55:37And besides, you've got enough going on with that.
00:55:40It's my job to worry about you, not the other way around.
00:55:43I don't mind.
00:55:45I do.
00:55:46Because it's affecting you.
00:55:50I know you think you're being strong.
00:55:52But you can let your guard down now and then.
00:55:58It wasn't your fault, Mum.
00:56:00None of it.
00:56:03I know.
00:56:07Thanks for your help, guys.
00:56:09It means a lot.
00:56:11And look, I still can't apologise enough for before, guys.
00:56:14I hope there's no hard feelings, Griffo.
00:56:16Who can be bothered with that shit?
00:56:18Your jokes, on the other hand.
00:56:19I thought they were funny.
00:56:20I laughed.
00:56:22Then I felt sick for a bit.
00:56:26Did you hear from your ex-mate?
00:56:27Yeah.
00:56:28Not coming.
00:56:29Just here for work, apparently.
00:56:31That sucks.
00:56:32Sorry.
00:56:33Nah.
00:56:34Should have seen that coming.
00:56:35Plenty more out there, right?
00:56:42Oh, damn.
00:56:43I think Michelle must have taken my phone.
00:56:45This isn't my Care Bear wallpaper.
00:56:47No, it's mine.
00:56:50Only joking.
00:56:51It's Michelle's.
00:56:52I've just got the same wallpaper.
00:56:54Close it.
00:56:55I guess I'll be back here.
00:56:56I've got to go that way anyway.
00:56:58You can just follow me, if you like.
00:56:59I know where Lime Street is.
00:57:01Lime Street?
00:57:02More...
00:57:06Yeah, that sounds best.
00:57:09You guys write the talk up?
00:57:10Yeah, go.
00:57:21What?
00:57:22Nothing.
00:57:27Hey, Michelle.
00:57:29Hey, Michelle.
00:57:32Hey, Michelle.
00:57:33Hey, Michelle.
00:57:35Michelle, I'll set the music up.
00:57:39Hey, Michelle, what's a happy house?
00:58:04You back at it tomorrow?
00:58:06Yep.
00:58:07Another day of thrills, spills and caffeine pills.
00:58:11Caffeine pills?
00:58:13You only drive four hours a day.
00:58:16Yeah, well, I take them when I get home.
00:58:19Gives me a buzz when I redo my crosswords.
00:58:22It's awesome.
00:58:25He was right, you know.
00:58:27Who?
00:58:28You know damn well who.
00:58:30Yeah, well, I was hoping you didn't.
00:58:37I might sell it.
00:58:40What?
00:58:41That's a bit extreme.
00:58:43So what if he was right?
00:58:45What do you mean, so what if he was right?
00:58:47You'd want to do something about it, wouldn't you?
00:58:49Yeah, well, what are you going to do?
00:58:51I don't know.
00:58:52Anything.
00:58:53I just don't want to hate this place.
00:58:55This was our escape, you know.
00:58:57It's lonely out here.
00:59:01Yeah.
00:59:03So come with me then.
00:59:05What?
00:59:06We could open a pottery store or something.
00:59:08Pottery store?
00:59:09Yeah, why not?
00:59:10You've lost it, John.
00:59:11Snap out of it.
00:59:12Ow!
00:59:13Feel better?
00:59:14No!
00:59:16You?
00:59:17Oh, that's smart.
00:59:31Oh.
00:59:44Confident.
00:59:45Confident.
00:59:47Confident.
00:59:49Hi, Stevie.
00:59:50Oh, is this your house?
00:59:52This one, this is your house, eh?
00:59:54Confident, remember?
00:59:56Come on, come inside.
01:00:01Oh, hey, uh, I'm Stevie.
01:00:03Oh, Stephen, um, is Michelle around?
01:00:06Who?
01:00:07Mum!
01:00:08In here, Stevie!
01:00:18Um, Mum, I think there's someone out the front.
01:00:21No, can't see anyone.
01:00:23No, no, the other front.
01:00:25No, can't see anyone.
01:00:27No, no, the other front.
01:00:30Mum, just go away.
01:00:35Oh, um, actually, no, I think I can see him.
01:00:41So, what's going on?
01:00:43Nothing much, you?
01:00:44You came here to ask me that?
01:00:46No, but might as well ask you that now I'm here.
01:00:50It's a nice house you've got here.
01:00:53Very cosy.
01:00:54Yeah, and we got it for a steal too because it's haunted.
01:00:56Oh, really?
01:00:57No, it's just a superstition.
01:00:59I mean, the walls bleed from time to time,
01:01:02and you can hear a strange chanting coming from the conservatory.
01:01:05But that's just the way they built the houses in those days.
01:01:10Get out.
01:01:14Look, is there something we need to talk about?
01:01:16Because I'm pretty busy.
01:01:18Oh, I'm designing a website.
01:01:20We're becoming an e-roadhouse.
01:01:21Roadhouse?
01:01:22If you order a Chico roll now, I can have it to you by Wednesday.
01:01:24$2.95 plus freight.
01:01:27Freight's $29.95.
01:01:28I'd rather not talk about Chico rolls anymore.
01:01:31That's because you don't understand them like I do.
01:01:35OK, sorry.
01:01:37What's going on?
01:01:38Well, I came here because I just wanted to apologise.
01:01:42I know I touched a nerve with that joke before,
01:01:45and I'm sorry, it was inappropriate.
01:01:48Look, my dad tried to run my mum over with his car.
01:01:51And there was some other stuff too, but it's mainly the car thing.
01:01:54Oh, sorry.
01:01:55It's OK. You didn't try and run my mum over, did you?
01:01:57No. Well, maybe a little. I don't know.
01:02:02You set me up for that.
01:02:03Yeah, I did, but you'd think you'd learn.
01:02:04You would think so, wouldn't you?
01:02:06Look, the truth is, I kind of wanted you to screw things up.
01:02:09I mean, I make jokes about Dad all the time.
01:02:11Mostly just to shit Mum.
01:02:12She's so lucky to have you.
01:02:13Isn't she?
01:02:14I'm just, I'm not in the habit of giving guys chances.
01:02:17I don't like being let down.
01:02:19So, I kind of look for reasons to tell guys to piss off.
01:02:24Ah, especially losers, right?
01:02:25OK, I said I was sorry.
01:02:26You're not that much of a loser,
01:02:28but you do throw the towel in awfully quickly.
01:02:30Yeah, well, it kind of made more sense this way, though, you know?
01:02:33I'm pretty comfortable with the old failure with women.
01:02:38God, I am a loser.
01:02:39Yeah, you are.
01:02:40So, you going to come and see me then?
01:02:43Yeah, sure.
01:02:47You OK?
01:02:48Yeah.
01:02:50No.
01:02:53No, no, no.
01:02:58You know, the truth is,
01:02:59I wouldn't even know what to do with a girlfriend if I had one.
01:03:02Neither would I, but it helps.
01:03:03Hey, we could look it up on the internet.
01:03:05You're a great help.
01:03:10OK, I've got an idea.
01:03:12Let's just start completely fresh.
01:03:14I don't think we...
01:03:15Stephen, we'll never change if we don't confront our fears.
01:03:17Is this the bit where I get locked in a room full of snakes
01:03:19or, like, trapped in an elevator with John Butler or something?
01:03:22Cos I'm going to take the snakes.
01:03:24OK.
01:03:25Hi, I'm Michelle.
01:03:27I have some issues with guys, but I think you're OK.
01:03:31Hi, I'm Stephen.
01:03:33I'm a loser, but I'm OK with it.
01:03:35Oh, and I definitely think you're OK.
01:03:38See? Doesn't that make you feel better?
01:03:43MUSIC PLAYS
01:03:55We're not kissing.
01:03:56No, no, we're not. No.
01:03:58Um, that's gross. You can get AIDS from that shit.
01:04:01Good, I'm relieved.
01:04:03I'm not looking for a boyfriend. Not yet.
01:04:05You came speed dating.
01:04:06Yeah, I wanted to meet some people.
01:04:08In case you haven't noticed, it's not very easy out here.
01:04:12So, can we just hang out then?
01:04:15Yeah.
01:04:17And what? You just want to hang out?
01:04:20That's it. Just hang out.
01:04:22That's all you want?
01:04:23That's all.
01:04:25Stephen, you should have told me you were gay.
01:04:27No, no, no.
01:04:28You don't get it, so you're going to fall in love with me eventually.
01:04:31Oh, don't hold your breath.
01:04:32I know it. You will.
01:04:33You've come a long way from that guy who was pumping himself up in the car a minute ago.
01:04:37Is that a wanking reference?
01:04:38No. Why would it be?
01:04:39Depends how long you were standing there, I guess.
01:04:41Ew!
01:04:42So, you're actually going to stay out here?
01:04:44Yeah, for a while at least. You?
01:04:46Yeah.
01:04:47A country boy like me wouldn't make it in the big smoke.
01:04:50You're an idiot.
01:04:51Am I an idiot, Michelle, or am I a stud burger?
01:04:54You're an idiot.
01:04:56Maybe.
01:05:01You take care of yourself, eh?
01:05:04I'll come see you sometime.
01:05:09Bye.
01:06:10Oh, it's just a rat. There'll be plenty more.
01:06:12Christ, what did you do?
01:06:13I topped myself. No such luck, I'm afraid.
01:06:16If I hadn't done it before today, what makes you think I'd do it now?
01:06:19Anyway, we've got this pottery store to start up.
01:06:22How will I shoot a rat?
01:06:23Well, that'll be like taking business off Kingsley.
01:06:26Anyway, you'd better get to work.
01:06:28Yeah.
01:06:29See you later.
01:06:30Bye.
01:06:31Bye.
01:06:32Bye.
01:06:33Bye.
01:06:34Bye.
01:06:35Bye.
01:06:36Bye.
01:06:37Bye.
01:06:38Anyway, you'd better get back to your pub.
01:06:40If I get there and you're not there to serve me a beer,
01:06:43I might have to get my gun out again.
01:06:48I'm going to have to get somebody else for my pottery store.
01:07:09PHONE RINGS
01:07:16Well, she is popular today.
01:07:18She took my phone.
01:07:19I'm Kingsley. You're Michelle's mother, are you?
01:07:21Yeah, that's right.
01:07:22Well, I'm Michelle's mum.
01:07:23Oh, sorry, Leah. You can call me Leah.
01:07:25No problem. Nice to meet you, Leah.
01:07:26You too.
01:07:27This is Jason.
01:07:28Hi, Jason.
01:07:29Hi. Can I still call you Michelle's mum?
01:07:31Well, if she's got his phone, what are you doing here?
01:07:35Oh, he's not from around here.
01:07:36I'm just making sure he finds a place.
01:07:38Oh, that's sweet.
01:07:39That is sweet.
01:07:40Oh, shut up, mate. I'm not that sweet.
01:07:42Well, look, Michelle's through here.
01:07:43Do you want to come and grab a drink or something?
01:07:48This is getting embarrassing, boys.
01:07:50Oh, you took my phone. I've got yours.
01:07:53Right, well, I'd better get home and write a few thousand words about something.
01:07:56You're not going to write about the split dating?
01:07:58No. You don't still want me to?
01:08:00Probably not.
01:08:01Didn't think so.
01:08:02Well, thanks for that and it was great to meet you all.
01:08:05Make sure you invite me to the next one.
01:08:07Thanks.
01:08:08Thanks.
01:08:09Bye.
01:08:10Bye.
01:08:11See ya.
01:08:12Is this a house?
01:08:13It was a daycare or something until recently, I think.
01:08:16Well, where are the cages?
01:08:17What?
01:08:18Oh, I must have gone to a different daycare.
01:08:22Anyway, thanks, mate.
01:08:23It was nice to have a cool head there today.
01:08:25I guess that's why you found someone, eh, you lucky bastard?
01:08:28Lucky?
01:08:29It's all but over, mate. I'm not even living there at the moment.
01:08:32What?
01:08:34It's not working.
01:08:35We're just going through the motions.
01:08:37You still love her?
01:08:38I don't know.
01:08:39I used to.
01:08:41I guess so.
01:08:42I said some things I shouldn't have said.
01:08:44Then apologise.
01:08:45I double-minted one, again.
01:08:46Is this you winning?
01:08:47I've got to have my dignity.
01:08:48Dignity?
01:08:50You just watched a handful of middle-aged blokes spend their afternoon doing speed dating.
01:08:53You think there's dignity in that?
01:08:55Come on, you wouldn't understand.
01:08:56I understand.
01:08:57I've been there too, mate.
01:08:58A long time ago now.
01:08:59Yeah.
01:09:00This is what dignity's worth.
01:09:01Sorry.
01:09:02Sorry, Kingsley.
01:09:03That's not me.
01:09:05Course not.
01:09:06Didn't used to be me, either.
01:09:08All the best, mate.
01:09:15By the way,
01:09:18I think it's great what you're trying to do for the place.
01:09:20Oh, thanks.
01:09:21It didn't really work out.
01:09:23Look, if you're ever going to do one of those speed dating things again,
01:09:26and you can't find anyone else,
01:09:30I'll go with you.
01:09:31Oh, that's not really how speed dating works.
01:09:33You're not really supposed to...
01:09:35Yeah.
01:09:36Sorry about that.
01:09:37I don't often talk to...
01:09:39I'd like that.
01:09:41I'll drop in and say hi sometime.
01:09:44Okay.
01:09:46Thanks.
01:09:53What was that?
01:09:54Oh, it was just rubbish.
01:09:57I'll see you around.
01:09:58Okay.
01:09:59Bye.
01:10:02I'm not calling you Dad.
01:10:03You're a shitstirrer.
01:10:16Hi.
01:10:30Hi.
01:10:32Heloise.
01:10:34Heloise, it's me.
01:10:38I want to see you.
01:10:42Yeah, I'll miss you.
01:10:46That's your boy.
01:10:48Thanks.
01:11:01What?
01:11:04You were a giant.
01:11:15What?
01:11:21You're a giant.
01:11:46Hi.
01:12:12This thing is pretty cute, though.
01:12:13Yeah, but Mum, he's the biggest loser in the world.
01:12:20I'm taking you to dinner tomorrow night.
01:12:22Be ready at seven?
01:12:31Okay.
01:12:34Great.
01:12:40Bye, Dad.
01:12:41Shut up, you.
01:13:12I was never in the right frame of mind
01:13:17When I told you the truth
01:13:21I told you that I need you
01:13:28We were never on the right track
01:13:32From the beginning to the end
01:13:37We were never on the right track
01:13:40From the very start
01:13:42You broken hearted
01:13:45Little misguided youth
01:13:49Now it's old news
01:13:53Cause it's something I said
01:13:56While we were having a good time
01:14:01If I could do it all over again
01:14:05He's saying about the break-up.
01:14:06Who's Kingsley?
01:14:07Kingsley.
01:14:08Sorry, guys.
01:14:12Hi, I'm Steve.
01:14:13You're Kingsley?
01:14:14Fine.
01:14:20Did he bring his tie?
01:14:21Oh, fuck. Sorry.
01:14:24Her name was Laurie.
01:14:25Wow.
01:14:29That's like a serious break-up.
01:14:34What?
01:14:41Chase.
01:14:43Shh.
01:14:44I'm trying to act.
01:14:46Are you drunk?
01:14:49What, this?
01:14:50Yeah.
01:14:51It just helps me think.
01:14:53Drink.
01:14:55Oh, for fuck's sake.
01:15:05Cause it's something I said
01:15:07While we were having a good time
01:15:09What the fuck?
01:15:23Bang.
01:15:24No.
01:15:29What?
01:15:31It's just a drag.
01:15:33You've done more.
01:15:35What?
01:15:38Did you think I'd top myself?
01:15:41See, I didn't mean to think you should stuff that up.
01:15:47Is everything okay?
01:15:49I smiled. Shit. I'm sorry.
01:15:54Hey.
01:15:55Are we going to finish this thing off?
01:15:57Yeah, in a second.
01:15:58Just need to record a few things after.
01:16:02I'm really sorry.
01:16:03I don't even need this for sound.
01:16:07Hey.
01:16:08Is everything okay?
01:16:10Yeah, in a second.
01:16:11Just need to record a few things after.
01:16:17I didn't say the right line.
01:16:18Cutting.
01:16:23Hey.
01:16:24Are we going to finish this thing off?
01:16:26Yeah, in a second.
01:16:29Everything okay?
01:16:32When you're ready.