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00:01:30My God, look at those hands.
00:01:52You didn't use the good dishwashing liquid, did you, Madge?
00:01:55Freeze, quick, come see.
00:02:03Is he having the vapors again?
00:02:05Oh, he's fine.
00:02:06Look, he landed ass up, his favorite position.
00:02:10But you have to promise to moisturize from now on.
00:02:14I'll slather, I'll slather.
00:02:17Why on earth would you want to get made up on Christmas Eve of all times?
00:02:21More importantly, why would you want to pull me away from Dr. Phil's Christmas extravaganza?
00:02:25Today's topic was homoclaustophobia, the fear of still being in the closet when you're already
00:02:30out.
00:02:31Toddy, this is going to be a very special Christmas.
00:02:35My children, my grandchildren, they're all in town this year.
00:02:39What are you going to do, scare them into never coming back?
00:02:45Why would you say that?
00:02:47Your hair.
00:02:49Oh my God, it looks like Medusa made it with a witch's broom.
00:02:51I'm going to need a hacksaw and 40 pounds of gel.
00:02:54Better call Mako.
00:02:55Stop it.
00:02:56Now listen, Toddy, come on, sweetie, you've got to pull me together and make me absolutely
00:03:02spectacular, the best you've ever done.
00:03:06Even my wretched ex-husband is coming this time.
00:03:10The old fart still can't get over the idea that I've got one more Oscar than he does.
00:03:17So, what do you say, can you pull the old girl together one last time, hmm?
00:03:22You give me three hours and a truckload of supplies, I can make Ian McKellen still look
00:03:27like a boy toy.
00:03:47Sonny, are you done, Sonny?
00:04:00Sonny.
00:04:01Jesus, Grandma, you're fucking killing me over here.
00:04:06Ow.
00:04:07Looks like I whacked a snowman.
00:04:09He's got blood all over him.
00:04:11What kind of Christmas cookie got blood coming out of it?
00:04:14The kind that talks dirty to his grandmother.
00:04:18Didn't I tell you to stop that?
00:04:20Didn't I?
00:04:21You told me to knock this shit off.
00:04:23Ow.
00:04:24You clean up your vocabulary or I am really going to kick your ass, got it?
00:04:32Yeah.
00:04:34Don't sulk.
00:04:37Don't sulk.
00:04:38Oh, Grandma loves her little angel.
00:04:41Merry Christmas, Sunshine.
00:04:42Merry Christmas.
00:04:43I love you too, Grandma.
00:04:46Good.
00:04:47Maybe next time I'll kick your ass, you little hag.
00:04:53Can't believe you're still complaining about being here at my mother's.
00:04:57I mean, it's been, what, ten years since we spent Christmas here?
00:05:01The kids are going to be here, and Sally, and Teddy, how bad can it be?
00:05:05If that woman isn't the Antichrist herself, Harry, I don't know who the hell is.
00:05:09She's a pit bull.
00:05:11The reason you're an only child is because she ate the other three.
00:05:14Heck, your old man even left her, and he's the second scariest person I've ever met.
00:05:18They're not that bad.
00:05:20Plus, she's older now.
00:05:22And she smells old, like moldy bread or rotten pastrami.
00:05:27We always spend Christmas back home.
00:05:29It's important to her that we have one Christmas here in California.
00:05:32She's counting on us.
00:05:34Well, I'm going to be counting on Jack Daniels to get me through the next 24 hours.
00:05:41I love Christmas.
00:05:46Mom! Grandma?
00:05:49There's my babies.
00:05:52Give Mama a hug.
00:05:56How was your flight?
00:05:58It was great, other than Jack wouldn't eat his food.
00:06:01Why not?
00:06:03Because I'm a vegan, and I don't eat meat.
00:06:05And dumbass here ordered the meat with a side of meat.
00:06:09Don't look at me.
00:06:11It's okay, honey. You can have some hot dogs to hold you until dinner.
00:06:14I don't eat meat.
00:06:16Hot dogs aren't real meat, sunshine.
00:06:18They're happy food.
00:06:20They're worse than meat.
00:06:22They're delicious with mustard.
00:06:25Yummy.
00:06:27They're tortured pig butts.
00:06:29Don't look so sad, baby.
00:06:31Go make yourself a bacon sandwich or something.
00:06:39So, where's the new boyfriend?
00:06:43Matt goes to school in Philly, so he's catching a later flight.
00:06:47You and Dad better behave.
00:06:49I'd like to keep this one.
00:06:51Well, of course I will, darling.
00:07:09Merry Christmas.
00:07:11Merry Christmas.
00:07:18No hello from me?
00:07:20Hello, sis. How was your ride?
00:07:23It was good.
00:07:25Buffalo-butt Brooks here wouldn't stop singing country music, but besides that, it was great.
00:07:30Makes me groove, baby.
00:07:35Do you get a facelift?
00:07:37I don't think so.
00:07:39How do I say it? Tight.
00:07:41Pregnant, I see.
00:07:43How far along?
00:07:45So Christmassy.
00:07:47I'm going to see Lana.
00:07:49So nice for her to invite us.
00:07:51Oh, yes. She's making damn sure everything's coming up roses for me.
00:08:07How have you been, Sonny?
00:08:09Forget about it. I'm doing great. How about you, Uncle Harry?
00:08:12What kind of animals do you think are indigenous to this area?
00:08:15There's a lot of surfers in Malibu.
00:08:17Could whack a couple of those if you want.
00:08:19Tradition. Very important.
00:08:21Particularly at Christmastime.
00:08:23Of course, you know all about that.
00:08:25Being a maid guy.
00:08:27Maid? Maid of what?
00:08:29You know the mob. Mafia.
00:08:31Good fellas.
00:08:33What are you blubbering about?
00:08:36How many guys have you whacked, huh?
00:08:38You talking to me?
00:08:40That's good.
00:08:42That's all right. You're blood.
00:08:44That's more important than what you do for a living.
00:08:46I'm a garbage man, Harry.
00:08:48Huh. With those suits.
00:08:50I'm a good garbage man.
00:08:5235 years straight now.
00:08:54I've killed our Christmas dinner.
00:08:56Unless you're thinking about shooting some fish.
00:08:58I think you're shit out of luck this year.
00:09:00Christmas is all about tradition.
00:09:02You just keep that pot boiling.
00:09:04I'll get us something tasty.
00:09:06I always do.
00:09:08Yeah.
00:09:10I'm going in now.
00:09:12You gonna be okay?
00:09:14You need a chill pill or something?
00:09:16No. I'm fine.
00:09:18Don't forget the cranberry sauce.
00:09:20There were no turkeys in Malibu.
00:09:28What's that?
00:09:34I don't know.
00:10:04Freeze, motherfucker!
00:10:06Oh.
00:10:08Excuse me, mister?
00:10:10Yes. What can I do for you?
00:10:12Have you seen my guinea pigs?
00:10:14I had them outside in their cage,
00:10:16and they've escaped.
00:10:18Guinea pigs? No.
00:10:20Do, uh,
00:10:22guinea pigs taste good with barbecue sauce?
00:10:24Pardon me?
00:10:26Never mind.
00:10:28Don't you worry, though.
00:10:30If we find those guinea pigs,
00:10:32we'll make sure you get them back.
00:10:34Thank you, mister.
00:10:36Okay.
00:10:40Maybe just the tails.
00:10:44I made some shit for you guys to eat.
00:10:46Oh.
00:10:48Well, that's nice. What did you make?
00:10:50Well, the ones with the shrimp in the cracker,
00:10:52I call those the headless horsemen.
00:10:54The one with the fancy vegetable crap on it,
00:10:56I call that the hangman's delight.
00:10:58I made those for my vegan friend Jack.
00:11:00Thank you.
00:11:02Thank you is right, my friend.
00:11:04That's very clever, son.
00:11:06All right, now I'm going back to the kitchen
00:11:08to finish dinner.
00:11:10Eat up.
00:11:14I mean it, capiche?
00:11:16I don't want to see one friggin' thing
00:11:18left on that plate when I come back in this room.
00:11:24That is one strange boy.
00:11:26It's Harry's side of the family,
00:11:28It's Harry's side of the family for you.
00:11:30You talking about Sonny?
00:11:32I thought he was from your side of the family.
00:11:34Seriously?
00:11:36Well, seriously. My name is Myers. Scott's Irish.
00:11:38Do you see any Italian on my side?
00:11:40You see any Italian on my side?
00:11:44I'm gonna hunt rodents for dinner. Wish me luck!
00:11:46Have fun, dear.
00:11:50This stuff is great. You gotta get the recipe.
00:11:54How's yours, Jack?
00:11:58Come on.
00:12:08Come on. You're not seriously gonna hunt, are you?
00:12:10Of course I am.
00:12:14Do you have any respect for my decision to be a vegan?
00:12:16You vegan guys would be all right with me.
00:12:18You just ate some fuckin' meat!
00:12:22Look at you, my guy. What, do you weigh about 30 pounds?
00:12:24Dad, I'm in my 20s, okay?
00:12:26You've never even once tried to put my concerns above yours.
00:12:30You hear that?
00:12:34Hear what?
00:12:36A squeaking sound.
00:12:38Guinea pigs in the house.
00:12:40Time to lock it low, boy.
00:12:42Dinner is served.
00:12:56Here, little piggies.
00:12:58You goddamn little pigs.
00:13:02Well, you are a worthy adversary.
00:13:04Daddy!
00:13:06Bud?
00:13:08Daddy!
00:13:10Bud!
00:13:12Bud?
00:13:14How about a hug?
00:13:16No, of course not.
00:13:18Come on.
00:13:20Come on.
00:13:22Come on.
00:13:25Oh, shit.
00:13:31Hi, honey.
00:13:33Hi.
00:13:35It's good to see you, Mom. It's been so long.
00:13:37Yeah, I know. I know it has, honey.
00:13:39It's just that...
00:13:41Are you reaching for your gun when you should be talking to me?
00:13:43No.
00:13:45Because...
00:13:47I love you, darling.
00:13:49It's just that...
00:13:51Just what?
00:13:53Heal! Heal, you little...
00:13:57Mom,
00:13:59you have to stop him.
00:14:01He's gonna shoot something.
00:14:03Now, honey, he does this every year.
00:14:05What? So you're saying it's okay
00:14:07to kill harmless, defenseless animals?
00:14:09It's a sport, sunshine.
00:14:11Just like badminton.
00:14:13If it was a sport,
00:14:15then Santa's reindeer here would've had a rifle, too.
00:14:17Your father needs
00:14:19every advantage he can get.
00:14:21I'm gonna stop him.
00:14:23You just do that, dear.
00:14:25It's good that you and your daddy
00:14:27are spending some time together.
00:14:29Come on.
00:14:51Little bastards.
00:14:53Little bitches.
00:14:59Feed my ass.
00:15:01I need some meat.
00:15:03Goddamn bastards.
00:15:05Where are you?
00:15:09Yeah?
00:15:11What do you want?
00:15:13Oh, hi.
00:15:15I'm Matt, Julie's boyfriend.
00:15:17Did I catch you at a bad time?
00:15:19Bad time? I don't know.
00:15:21You're about three hours too goddamn late.
00:15:23She took off with one of her exes.
00:15:25One of those mistletoe gangbang things.
00:15:27You know?
00:15:29Nah, I'm just messing with you.
00:15:31Oh. Oh.
00:15:33Oh, good.
00:15:35Because, uh, I was just...
00:15:37So the gun is just...
00:15:39You ever hunt?
00:15:41Oh, yeah.
00:15:43Back in South Dakota, my family, we...
00:15:45deer.
00:15:47You ever hunt guinea pigs?
00:15:49No. No.
00:15:51Cunning little bastards, you know?
00:15:53Got that secret language of theirs, that...
00:15:55some kind of secret code or something.
00:15:57Enough to drive a man insane, but...
00:15:59No worries. I'll get you your goddamn Christmas guinea pig dinner.
00:16:01You can count on that, huh?
00:16:03That is just plain mean, Harry.
00:16:07I'll shoot you next.
00:16:09Come on in, Matthew.
00:16:11Harry's harmless.
00:16:13Oh, thank you.
00:16:15Just don't piss him off.
00:16:17He shoots off faster than a virgin
00:16:19in a whore convention.
00:16:21Oh, that's funny.
00:16:23Goddamn it!
00:16:25Hey, babe.
00:16:27Hi.
00:16:29Long trip?
00:16:33You are worth every minute of it.
00:16:35Sucking up will get you everywhere, my friend.
00:16:41You must be Matt.
00:16:43Hey.
00:16:45I'm the tester. Put her in the vice.
00:16:47Don't break it, honey. He's only a boy.
00:16:49Hi, I'm Sally.
00:16:51Sorry about that, brother.
00:16:53I've been taking these pills,
00:16:55trying to get back in the league, you know?
00:16:57Make you huge and rip like in a friggin' week,
00:16:59but the side effects are insane.
00:17:01Sometimes I don't even know who I am.
00:17:03She said you play professional football, right?
00:17:05That's right, brother. Eight years.
00:17:07Wow, that's really incredible.
00:17:09Then you ought to see the size of these savage craps
00:17:11I've been backing out since I've been on these things.
00:17:13Two feet long if they're an inch,
00:17:15you know what I mean?
00:17:17I have no clue.
00:17:19Go get Grandma.
00:17:21Okay, see you, hon.
00:17:23Oh, then I get these 12-hour boners, too.
00:17:25I mean, full mess.
00:17:27I can't even rub them out fast enough.
00:17:29Well, the wife doesn't seem to mind too much, huh?
00:17:31But it does turn my you-know-what
00:17:33more purple than Barney's ass.
00:17:35I need a drink.
00:17:37Oh, I hear you, brother.
00:17:39I got to drink 20 pitchers of water a day
00:17:41just to have one leak.
00:17:43Always parched.
00:17:45Listen, you want to try some of these things?
00:17:47You know,
00:17:49I'm really happy just the way I am,
00:17:51kind of skinny and wussy-like.
00:17:53Hey, makes sense, dude.
00:17:55Whatever works for you.
00:17:57Besides, I wouldn't recommend
00:17:59the painful rectal itch anyway.
00:18:01I'm going to go now.
00:18:03Okay.
00:18:05Hey, good meeting you.
00:18:07Merry Christmas.
00:18:09Cute little fella, isn't he?
00:18:11Oh, shit.
00:18:13Dude.
00:18:15It's percolating.
00:18:17I got to go take the Browns
00:18:19to the Super Bowl, babe.
00:18:27Hi.
00:18:29I'm Matt.
00:18:33Matt the Butcher?
00:18:35No, I'm Julie's Matt.
00:18:37So you're not Matt the Butcher.
00:18:39So you're not Matt the Butcher.
00:18:41No.
00:18:43Then you're Matt the Carrot Cutter.
00:18:45There's a knife.
00:18:49I need 100 of these cut up.
00:18:51Um, you know what?
00:18:53I'm going to go find out where Julie is.
00:18:55Christmas is about families.
00:18:57Families help out.
00:18:59Cut the frigging carrots!
00:19:01Grandma.
00:19:03Hi, sweetie.
00:19:05Come downstairs. Matt's here.
00:19:07Okay, just give me a second, will you?
00:19:09What are those?
00:19:11Just something for my heart.
00:19:13Is something wrong?
00:19:15Yeah, my age.
00:19:17That's what's wrong.
00:19:19Some things you just can't stop.
00:19:21Hand me some water, will you, baby?
00:19:23There you go.
00:19:25Thanks.
00:19:27That's better.
00:19:29Now, why don't we have some girl talk?
00:19:31Okay.
00:19:33Oh.
00:19:35When you were last up here,
00:19:37you were what?
00:19:39Eight, nine years old?
00:19:41Yeah, something like that.
00:19:43Okay, so come on.
00:19:45Tell me about your young man.
00:19:47Tell me everything.
00:19:49Give me all the good stuff.
00:19:51Well,
00:19:53he's downstairs.
00:19:55And he's wonderful.
00:19:57And he's...
00:19:59Big?
00:20:01Average height, I guess.
00:20:03I mean, he's not too fat or skinny.
00:20:05He's kind of in between.
00:20:07He's just right.
00:20:09What does that have to do with anything?
00:20:11Sweetie, cut to the chase.
00:20:13I said I wanted to hear everything,
00:20:15the good stuff.
00:20:17Now, come on, come on.
00:20:19Is he big?
00:20:21Grandma, he is.
00:20:23He's huge.
00:20:25Oh.
00:20:27I mean, like, desert donkey huge.
00:20:29Oh, lucky you.
00:20:31Yeah.
00:20:33Your grandfather was unfortunately
00:20:35not very well endowed.
00:20:37More like a desert mouse.
00:20:39Poor grandpa.
00:20:41Poor grandpa, my ass.
00:20:43Poor me.
00:20:49What are you doing?
00:20:51Cutting the carrots.
00:20:53No, you're squishing the goddamn things.
00:20:55Here, move. I'll show you how it's done.
00:20:57Okay, watch.
00:20:59Hey, are you watching?
00:21:01I learned this from Guido the gutter.
00:21:03You know what a gutter is?
00:21:05I get the idea.
00:21:07All right, you move it like this,
00:21:09in a rocking motion, see?
00:21:11From left to right,
00:21:13you use your fingers, you push it along.
00:21:15Makes it quicker. You do it.
00:21:21See?
00:21:23You're good.
00:21:25You're good.
00:21:27Real good.
00:21:29I am pretty amazing at it, aren't I?
00:21:31I said you were good.
00:21:33I didn't say you were freaking fantastic.
00:21:35Keep cutting.
00:21:41There's no carrots could bleed like that.
00:21:43Do carrots bleed?
00:21:45That one does.
00:21:47Ah!
00:21:51Huh.
00:22:05There they are.
00:22:09Come to daddy.
00:22:11I'm gonna shoot your freaking squeaky heads off.
00:22:17Dad?
00:22:19Dad, where are you?
00:22:21Oh, damn.
00:22:23What's the boy doing there?
00:22:25For shooting?
00:22:27No.
00:22:29At least I need a big house for that.
00:22:31Come on. I know you're out here.
00:22:37Careful, son.
00:22:39Oh. Hey.
00:22:41Been a while now.
00:22:43You don't know what they might do.
00:22:45Hey, all right. Ooh, okay.
00:22:47Two bullets left.
00:22:49One for the boy's leg.
00:22:51Come on. Okay.
00:22:53Oh, yeah. Oh, you're so cute.
00:22:55You're okay.
00:22:57Come on for dinner.
00:22:59There. Just stay still, boy.
00:23:01You're only gonna hurt
00:23:03for about a week or so.
00:23:05Mm-hmm.
00:23:07All right. All right.
00:23:09Dad.
00:23:11Ah, shit! Shit, no.
00:23:13Hey! Whoa.
00:23:15Honey season's over, all right?
00:23:17Now come inside.
00:23:19It's okay.
00:23:21It's all right.
00:23:27Oh, my God!
00:23:29Oh, my God!
00:23:31I cut my finger off!
00:23:33Quit being such a crybaby.
00:23:35You got nine more. That's 90%.
00:23:37If you had 90% on your college board,
00:23:39you'd be happy, wouldn't you?
00:23:41But this is my finger!
00:23:43Really? You lost a finger?
00:23:45No, I'm not stupid enough to cut my finger off.
00:23:47I'm talking about the other idiots.
00:23:49Oh.
00:23:51Oh, God. This doesn't
00:23:53look very good.
00:23:55You're getting blood all over the cannolis and the cookies.
00:23:57We're not gonna have anything for dessert for Christmas.
00:23:59I'm sorry.
00:24:01I don't care.
00:24:03You feel you're gonna pass out?
00:24:05You don't look too good, kid.
00:24:07Can you catch me?
00:24:09Do I look like a guy who would catch you?
00:24:23Need another drink?
00:24:25Please.
00:24:39You remember
00:24:41when we were about nine or ten,
00:24:43you told Jimmy Donner I was a lesbian?
00:24:45No.
00:24:47I did that.
00:24:49Yes, you did that.
00:24:51I remember telling Peter McKay
00:24:53that in 11th grade.
00:24:55You told Peter I was a lesbian?
00:24:57Of course I did.
00:24:59Rich Peter?
00:25:01Yes.
00:25:03Really rich, completely good-looking Peter?
00:25:05Yes.
00:25:07Really rich, completely good-looking,
00:25:09hot in bed Peter?
00:25:11I think we established that it's Peter.
00:25:13Why did you do that?
00:25:15Did you see who I was with?
00:25:17Harry, your future husband?
00:25:19Who would have thought I'd have to settle?
00:25:21I need a needle and thread.
00:25:23Oh, I may have some in my purse.
00:25:25What happened?
00:25:27There was an accident with the carrots in the kitchen.
00:25:31Are they all right?
00:25:33You think that's funny?
00:25:35It's not bloody carrots in the cannoli,
00:25:37nor is it blood-spattered snowmen.
00:25:39Funny is someone getting shot in the ass.
00:25:41Or when Cramden tells Alice
00:25:43to get shot to the moon.
00:25:45That is funny.
00:25:47You don't know from funny.
00:25:51See?
00:25:53It's better than shooting dinner, right?
00:25:55Strange urge to shoot you.
00:25:59I bet you do.
00:26:01Hey, brothers.
00:26:05What's the story?
00:26:07Hanging lights.
00:26:09What about you? Ask Sally Kick yet?
00:26:11Nah, just did some serious damage
00:26:13to the upstairs bathroom.
00:26:15I get these horrific methane explosions from my pills.
00:26:17Put a match near my ass
00:26:19and I'll show you the Big Bang Theory in practice.
00:26:21Fecal matter everywhere.
00:26:23Like a weapon of mass destruction.
00:26:25Doesn't sound very healthy.
00:26:27It's very pleasant.
00:26:29Neither is the 40 gallons of ice snot
00:26:31that comes out of me every day.
00:26:33Already I need a chisel and pick
00:26:35just to get my eyes open.
00:26:37Jesus.
00:26:39The side effects are unbelievable.
00:26:41But the homosexuality one
00:26:43totally caught me off guard.
00:26:47I've been watching solid gold reruns
00:26:49for weeks now and I'm telling you
00:26:51those dancers are hot.
00:26:53Leather pants, they've never looked so good.
00:26:55I hope that one wears off soon.
00:26:57Me too.
00:26:59Getting a woody watching
00:27:01downtown lineman shower?
00:27:03That ain't too good for your well-being.
00:27:05Now listen,
00:27:07you guys got her under control.
00:27:09I've got to go take my pills.
00:27:11Otherwise things could get worse.
00:27:15Carry on.
00:27:17Has your family always been like this?
00:27:19As long as I can remember.
00:27:21Merry Christmas.
00:27:23Save me the pleasantries, woman.
00:27:25Is the witch here yet?
00:27:27It's her house, Pops.
00:27:31This house, huh?
00:27:33Completely the fault of the shyster lawyer O'Reilly.
00:27:35Hey.
00:27:37Grandpa.
00:27:39Do I know him?
00:27:41Your grandson.
00:27:43Oh, you think you're getting it all, huh, do you?
00:27:45The house, the money,
00:27:47the house.
00:27:49You don't have a chateau in France, Pops.
00:27:51Damn lawyers.
00:27:53Can I fix you a drink?
00:27:55Better get me two.
00:27:57God knows I'll need every drop I can get.
00:27:59That's why I always liked you, Bastion.
00:28:01You're a drunk and you're proud of it.
00:28:03Drink on, honey.
00:28:05Hi, Pops.
00:28:07Remember me?
00:28:09Yes, something about you.
00:28:11You've grown.
00:28:13How are you, Teddy?
00:28:15Excellent, thank you, sir.
00:28:17How are you?
00:28:19Good, good.
00:28:21You're feeling a little tense, though, today, Pops.
00:28:23You're not losing that Christmas spirit, are you?
00:28:25Christmas? Humbug.
00:28:27Oh.
00:28:29I thought you liked Christmas.
00:28:31Scrooge was right.
00:28:33Christmas is awful.
00:28:37Come on now.
00:28:39You're here with us, Grandpa, right?
00:28:41It'll be a great Christmas.
00:28:43And who are you?
00:28:45Ransom.
00:28:47Gosh, I didn't even know I had kids.
00:28:49Oh, I get that problem, too.
00:28:51You taking those pills to bulk up?
00:28:53You are looking pretty stacked, Pops.
00:28:55Nice pipes.
00:28:57Yes, sir.
00:28:59You're insane, aren't you?
00:29:01Ah, so, hey.
00:29:03You been away shooting another movie?
00:29:05The memory's fading, son.
00:29:07I can't find a decent part to save my life.
00:29:09And who wants to hire
00:29:11an aging old man?
00:29:13Well, hey, I would, Grandpa. I would.
00:29:15Are you a casting agent?
00:29:17No.
00:29:19Then who cares what you think? June!
00:29:21Where's my drink?
00:29:23Here you go.
00:29:25Thank you.
00:29:27Am I in the right house?
00:29:29I don't recognize a darn one of you.
00:29:31Yes, you are.
00:29:33Would you like to go say hello to Lana?
00:29:35I wouldn't say one word to her
00:29:37if she was the last woman on Earth.
00:29:39That's okay. You can stay here and talk to me.
00:29:41I think I should go and say hello
00:29:43to the little tramp.
00:29:49Are you sure you know what you're doing?
00:29:51Does it matter?
00:29:53Ow! Ow!
00:29:55Oh, poor baby. Did I hurt you?
00:29:57No.
00:29:59No. I'm sorry. It's fine.
00:30:01I learned a trick
00:30:03from a friend of mine named Killer Salvatore.
00:30:05You want to hear it?
00:30:07Not really.
00:30:09I tried to take care of problems
00:30:11for this other friend of mine, Don Capriccio.
00:30:13One day, this guy named Trevor
00:30:15comes up to him.
00:30:17What kind of name is Trevor, anyways?
00:30:19Sounds like a fag-hole name to me.
00:30:21Anyways, he shows up
00:30:23and he's got a severed ear.
00:30:25I don't think that I really
00:30:27need to hear this story right now.
00:30:29A severed ear.
00:30:31He's crying like a baby.
00:30:33Wah! Wah! Wah!
00:30:35Killer.
00:30:37He's a tailor, see?
00:30:39It's a good one, huh? A tailor.
00:30:41I think that this is good enough.
00:30:43Look what you did now.
00:30:45Now you're starting to piss me off.
00:30:47Now you're starting to piss me off.
00:30:49I've got to start over.
00:30:51Okay. You know what?
00:30:53I think it's okay.
00:30:55You know, nine out of ten,
00:30:57that's pretty good,
00:30:59and I really don't want to piss you off.
00:31:01Yeah, well, that's good,
00:31:03because I'm not a guy who likes being pissed off.
00:31:05Which brings me back
00:31:07to my story.
00:31:09Killer sees this fag-hole
00:31:11crying like a little girl,
00:31:13so he asks the clown
00:31:15to give him his hand.
00:31:17This is the part where you give me a hand, you know?
00:31:23Okay? Now, how much does that hurt?
00:31:25It hurts bad.
00:31:27Okay. Just focus your pain.
00:31:29Okay.
00:31:31Oh!
00:31:33Oh!
00:31:35Doesn't hurt so bad anymore, does it?
00:31:39And the fag-hole, he forgot about his ear, too.
00:31:41That killer was a genius.
00:31:53Do you want me to get that?
00:31:55No, I'll get it.
00:31:57Are you sure I can get it?
00:31:59Okay, okay. Go ahead. Get it.
00:32:01One more time, I'm done.
00:32:03You'll have it figured out as to who it is.
00:32:05Hello?
00:32:07Hi, Trudy.
00:32:09Yeah, she's right here. She's just putting on her lipstick.
00:32:13Trudy wants to know
00:32:15if you want her to send over the truck paint.
00:32:17Tell Trudy to shove it up her ass.
00:32:19She says she'll be in just a minute.
00:32:21No, I said to shove it up her ass.
00:32:23Grandma.
00:32:27Trudy, shove it up your ass.
00:32:29Now, what if that was important?
00:32:31Then they'll call back.
00:32:35Hello, Trudy.
00:32:37Yes.
00:32:39Damn right
00:32:41I'm as ornery as I was 20 years ago.
00:32:45Tonight?
00:32:47It's Christmas Eve.
00:32:51Well, that silly Danish bastard.
00:32:55I guess it's all right. Sure, why not?
00:32:57Oh, wait a minute.
00:32:59Is he really going to cast me for sure?
00:33:03Well, Fosse always said
00:33:05I was the best non-dancing dancer he'd ever seen.
00:33:07Of course, I slept with him.
00:33:11That's why he wants to meet me.
00:33:15Can I play physical comedy?
00:33:17Oh, please, people.
00:33:19It's the Pope Catholic.
00:33:21Yeah. Okay.
00:33:23Fine, darling. Fine.
00:33:25Okay, see you in a bit.
00:33:27Kiss, kiss.
00:33:29Well, sweetie,
00:33:31let's go.
00:33:33I've got one last
00:33:35performance to give.
00:33:37We'll see what they're doing
00:33:39in the kitchen.
00:33:41Clark, Merry Christmas.
00:33:43Merry Christmas.
00:33:45What are you up to?
00:33:47Who are you?
00:33:49She's your granddaughter.
00:33:51I seem to have grandkids coming
00:33:53with the wazoo.
00:33:55When the hell did everyone get pregnant?
00:33:57Oh, about
00:33:5920 years ago.
00:34:01Why didn't anyone tell me?
00:34:03We did, dear. We did.
00:34:05The memory occasionally
00:34:07fades a little. Sometimes I feel like
00:34:09the page is half-blank.
00:34:11Sweetie,
00:34:13you're a whole clean sheet.
00:34:15At least I can remember
00:34:17what I liked about you, Lana.
00:34:19Oh? What?
00:34:21Nothing.
00:34:23Oh!
00:34:25That man makes me so crazy.
00:34:27You still love him, don't you?
00:34:29What?
00:34:31Oh!
00:34:33Honey, I wouldn't get back together
00:34:35with that man if it meant...
00:34:37if it meant I'd never work again.
00:34:39Right.
00:34:41What right?
00:34:45Honey.
00:34:47Sunny.
00:34:49Oh, hello, young man.
00:34:51I'm Julie's grandmother.
00:34:53Welcome. Thank you.
00:34:55What happened to your finger?
00:34:57Oh, it's just a flesh wound.
00:34:59Julie, dear, would you mind taking your...
00:35:01um...
00:35:03your boyfriend
00:35:05away for just a few minutes?
00:35:07I need to talk to Sunny alone.
00:35:09We'll be right with you.
00:35:11Sunny? Yeah?
00:35:13We need another place setting for dinner.
00:35:15I'm sorry, but I've got this
00:35:17young European director coming by,
00:35:19and I don't want anything to go wrong.
00:35:21Above all, keep your grandfather
00:35:23away from all of it.
00:35:25If he gets wind of this,
00:35:27I swear he will be begging
00:35:29that director for a role in the movie.
00:35:31And there's room for only one American
00:35:33in it, and that American
00:35:35is a mwuh.
00:35:37And I am not his
00:35:39goddamn nursemaid.
00:35:41Sunny! Ow!
00:35:43What have I told you about
00:35:45the language?
00:35:59That's a real estate, Harry.
00:36:01Corner pocket.
00:36:03Right.
00:36:15Do you guys remember
00:36:17Carrie Dunlop?
00:36:19Oh, the hot chick from high school.
00:36:21Tramp. Slut. Skanky whore.
00:36:23Hummer queen.
00:36:25Rock'em suck'em robot.
00:36:27Oh, I loved her.
00:36:29Oh, she was the best.
00:36:31Diseased as the day is long.
00:36:33Colts or Carrie, we called her.
00:36:35What about her?
00:36:37I saw her last week.
00:36:39When did you see her?
00:36:41Oh, she's a heifer now.
00:36:43Maybe more. Russians want to
00:36:45use her to replace the space station.
00:36:47Maybe she's running the Kentucky Derby.
00:36:49Three to one to place.
00:36:51Poor thing. We should call.
00:36:53Anything that big needs a stewardess
00:36:55on board. A Buddha babe.
00:36:57Italian bakeries don't have
00:36:59that many roles.
00:37:01She's not a homewrecker, she's got to
00:37:03make two trips.
00:37:05Yeah, if she was Jonah, she would have choked the whale.
00:37:07That's just
00:37:09cold. Totally rude.
00:37:11That's disgusting.
00:37:13You've gone too far, brother.
00:37:15Too damn
00:37:17far. Fat people got feelings
00:37:19too, you know. And it's not her fault
00:37:21she's got more crack than Columbia
00:37:23Mardi Gras.
00:37:25You may have just ruined Christmas.
00:37:27I hope you're happy.
00:37:33I need some air.
00:37:41You might want to talk
00:37:43to your boyfriend about where he is.
00:37:45We don't like people who make fun of people
00:37:47with disabilities.
00:37:51But everyone was doing it.
00:37:53Way to go.
00:37:55Why?
00:37:57Why?
00:38:03I didn't mean anything by it.
00:38:05I didn't mean anything by it.
00:38:07I didn't mean anything by it.
00:38:09I didn't mean anything by it.
00:38:11What's gotten into you today?
00:38:13I don't know. I'm just trying to fit in.
00:38:15Stop it. Boyfriends aren't supposed to fit in.
00:38:19Are you going to get that?
00:38:23Are you going to get it?
00:38:25Am I supposed to get it?
00:38:27If you want to live to see New Year's,
00:38:29you will.
00:38:31Wow. Christmas
00:38:33really isn't your family thing.
00:38:35The door.
00:38:39Ho, ho, ho.
00:38:41Merry freaking Christmas.
00:38:43Who is it?
00:38:45It's a drunk Santa.
00:38:47I'm not drunk.
00:38:49That's the way I talk, you dick.
00:38:51Well, one of you wackos
00:38:53gonna freaking invite me in?
00:38:55It's freaking hot out here.
00:38:57Yeah. Thanks.
00:38:59Hey, you're looking good, babe.
00:39:01Nice tits.
00:39:03Somebody could break their neck
00:39:05skiing down those things.
00:39:07Where's that son of a bitch
00:39:09Sonny, huh?
00:39:11Hey, who shot the freaking mountain goat?
00:39:13That's you, Johnny.
00:39:15Hey, hey.
00:39:17Hey, you look like hell, huh?
00:39:19Hey, you look like shit.
00:39:21Thanks.
00:39:23Everybody, this here's Santa Claus,
00:39:25known south of the North Pole as Johnny the Wack.
00:39:27Johnny the Wack,
00:39:29the guys.
00:39:31Hi. Who's the dead guy?
00:39:33That's Jack. He's a vegan.
00:39:35He's a tomato's worst nightmare.
00:39:37I could get to like vegans.
00:39:39Yeah, well, come on in the kitchen.
00:39:41We'll talk.
00:39:43All right. I'll see you later.
00:39:45Come on.
00:39:47Why do you think they call him Johnny the Wack?
00:39:49I'm just praying he's a chronic masturbator.
00:39:51Hi, Dad.
00:39:53Hi.
00:39:55When did you get here?
00:39:57About 40 years ago, but who's counting?
00:39:59Good to see you, Pop.
00:40:01Thanks. Good to see you.
00:40:03Have you had dinner yet?
00:40:05No, I had a little problem with that this year.
00:40:07Oh, the gun not work?
00:40:09No, the gun works fine.
00:40:11Then I don't see what the problem is.
00:40:13You've always been a complete nutjob, son,
00:40:15but at least you were consistent.
00:40:17No changing now.
00:40:19Jack's turned into a vegan.
00:40:21Kind of puts the kibosh on any meat for dinner.
00:40:25Jack? Well, who the hell is Jack?
00:40:27Your grandson.
00:40:29Another one? My God, they're sprouting up like roots.
00:40:31How many kids do you have?
00:40:33Never mind.
00:40:35Say, you know anything about this Danish director
00:40:37your mother has coming over tonight?
00:40:39Not a clue.
00:40:41I'll be damned if she gets a sympathy Oscar.
00:40:43They always give you those things when you get old.
00:40:45I got her into this business,
00:40:47and I can take her out.
00:40:49I'll have the Italian make her disappear.
00:40:51Yeah, doesn't have to be a competition.
00:40:53Of course it does.
00:40:55It always was.
00:40:57That's what made it all so special.
00:40:59Oh, excuse me.
00:41:01I'm going to get myself ready for dinner.
00:41:03Do you want me to get Jack to give you a hand?
00:41:05Son, I can't keep up with all these kids you have.
00:41:07So for now, I'll just do this alone.
00:41:09Come hell or high water,
00:41:11Clark Myers is going to perform tonight.
00:41:15Oh, yes.
00:41:17One more thing.
00:41:19What's that?
00:41:21Be yourself.
00:41:23You're a lot more interesting as a crackpot
00:41:25than you are as a regular human being.
00:41:27Think about it.
00:41:33How are you, dear?
00:41:35Mind if I sit with you for a little while?
00:41:37Sure, go right ahead.
00:41:39How are you, Lana?
00:41:41You look a little tired.
00:41:43Can I get you a drink?
00:41:45Tired? I'm not tired.
00:41:47I never get tired.
00:41:49But you've had a little too much to drink.
00:41:53Don't you think you have a little too much wobbly,
00:41:55in your wobbly pop?
00:41:57Oh, honey, it's not even time for dinner yet.
00:42:01I drink the proper amount of alcohol.
00:42:03Enough to get me drunk,
00:42:05but not enough to get me pregnant.
00:42:07Well, it seems to me
00:42:09like you've messed up on that one
00:42:11at least a couple of times.
00:42:13I mean, two children before you're 20?
00:42:15My God, child, what are...
00:42:17I'm almost 40 now.
00:42:19You can't keep damning me for mistakes
00:42:21that I made 20 years ago.
00:42:23What mistakes, Mom?
00:42:25I'm talking about you and Jack, dear.
00:42:29I didn't mean that, Julie.
00:42:33Do you see what you've done?
00:42:35You're never happy unless everyone's upset.
00:42:37Sometimes I wish you would just drop dead.
00:42:43I didn't mean it the way it sounded.
00:42:45Then how did you mean it?
00:42:47Do you wish I was never born?
00:42:49You know, I really don't have a clue what I meant.
00:42:51The old bag just gets me frustrated.
00:42:53You guys are the most important thing
00:42:55that ever happened to me.
00:42:57Really.
00:42:59Seriously.
00:43:01Look at me.
00:43:03It's always like this. Everybody always fights.
00:43:05I know. It's because of...
00:43:07Oh, rotten... Mom!
00:43:09Will you stop calling our names?
00:43:11Okay, okay. I promise to try and get along
00:43:13with the Cabbage Patch Mall.
00:43:15Mom.
00:43:17I'm almost finished. I just need one more.
00:43:19She's a demented
00:43:21old tater tart.
00:43:25Do you even know what that means?
00:43:27No clue, but it felt great.
00:43:29Okay, I'm good now. No more name calling.
00:43:31Promise?
00:43:33I'll try.
00:43:35Thank you.
00:43:39Thanks, Mom, for this
00:43:41girly moment.
00:43:43You tell anyone, you die.
00:43:45I don't really think
00:43:47she meant that.
00:43:53Desert donkey,
00:43:55huh?
00:43:57Ooh!
00:44:01Yeah!
00:44:03A sorento
00:44:07La la la la
00:44:15Good to see you, Guma.
00:44:17Yeah, I can see why.
00:44:19Oh, shit. Nice setup you got here.
00:44:21No, no, no. It's not like that.
00:44:23Yeah, of course it is. And that's okay.
00:44:25As long as you do what you're told,
00:44:27everything's gonna be okay, huh?
00:44:29Oh, yeah, right.
00:44:33What, are you trying to
00:44:35kill me with this crap?
00:44:37What are you on about? Did I insult you or something?
00:44:39You got a death wish.
00:44:41That is not yours.
00:44:43Well, who the hell is it for?
00:44:45You could kill somebody with that shit.
00:44:47Gentlemen.
00:44:49Hello. We haven't met. I'm Harry.
00:44:51Yeah, I'm Johnny the Whack.
00:44:53Of course you are.
00:44:55Who, you freaking dirty Harry Jr.?
00:44:57I've been hunting. In Malibu?
00:44:59I already said that. I always
00:45:01kill something for Christmas dinner. Oh, yeah?
00:45:03So what are we eating for dinner, Davy Crockett?
00:45:05Filet of brick wall, which is about
00:45:07all he's hit so far. I've been hunting
00:45:09guinea pigs. Who you calling a guinea pig?
00:45:11And you ain't shot nothing yet?
00:45:13My son's a vegan.
00:45:15That tomato killer in the living room?
00:45:17You mean we don't have any meat for dinner?
00:45:19You invited me to Christmas dinner
00:45:21with the freaking broccoli family?
00:45:23Well, I could solve this problem
00:45:25right now.
00:45:27I...
00:45:29will be back. I must give
00:45:31this to Grandma and do the both.
00:45:33Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the hell out of here.
00:45:35I don't think we need to be...
00:45:37Hey, listen, Junior.
00:45:39I'll go catch dinner if you're too scared to, okay?
00:45:41Just stay close and watch how a real
00:45:43man does it. Thank you, Mel. I don't need a partner.
00:45:45Hey, you see this gun?
00:45:47Yes. You see the size
00:45:49of this gun? Uh-huh.
00:45:51With this, I could put a hole
00:45:53the size of a watermelon in a rampaging
00:45:55rhino from three miles away.
00:45:57Not sure why I would want
00:45:59to do that, but more importantly to
00:46:01you, my friend, is that I can.
00:46:03Some serious
00:46:05firepower. Yeah, you're damn straight.
00:46:07Can I try it?
00:46:09In the freaking house?
00:46:11What are you, some kind of freak?
00:46:13Come with me.
00:46:17And then, Sonny,
00:46:19just, he just sewed it back on.
00:46:21Oh, honey, I'm so
00:46:23glad it was only your finger.
00:46:25Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:46:29Wine? It's about
00:46:31time. Actually, I don't drink wine.
00:46:33You got a quarter?
00:46:35Call someone who gives a shit.
00:46:37Sonny.
00:46:39Language.
00:46:41Thank you.
00:46:43So, when is dinner?
00:46:45Ask your son. I'm still waiting for the main
00:46:47course to arrive. Uh-oh.
00:46:49Sounds like maybe we better
00:46:51order pizzas. For Christmas?
00:46:53You got a problem with pizza?
00:46:57I think I'm gonna get some eggnog.
00:47:01So, where do you want me to get them from?
00:47:03Oh, why do I care where you get them?
00:47:05Get them in Italy, for all I care.
00:47:07Can't you make a decision on your own?
00:47:09All right, I'll call Galena's.
00:47:11No. What?
00:47:13Get them from Pu Shu Wang's.
00:47:15The Chinese place?
00:47:17Yeah, it's good stuff. I like it there.
00:47:19Why don't you get some noodles instead?
00:47:21No, no.
00:47:23Just the pizzas, thank you.
00:47:25All right. Come on.
00:47:27Where the hell are you taking me?
00:47:29Into the lair of the devil.
00:47:31Ah, you want me to shoot cockroaches, huh?
00:47:33No, I got bigger games in mind
00:47:35than that, my friend.
00:47:37Much bigger games.
00:47:39What's this?
00:47:41You keep rats?
00:47:43Guinea pigs.
00:47:45Think of them in a honey mustard sauce.
00:47:47This is dinner.
00:47:49They're in a cage.
00:47:51I can't shoot something in a cage.
00:47:53You're a genius.
00:47:55I can't shoot something in a cage.
00:47:57No, you can't.
00:47:59I shoot the little bastards,
00:48:01the bullet hits the cage,
00:48:03and it comes back and whacks me once.
00:48:05Just shoot the fur balls.
00:48:07We don't have much time.
00:48:09My boy gets wind of this, we're finished.
00:48:11I need a kill line.
00:48:13What's a kill line?
00:48:15Are you really that stupid?
00:48:17Everybody has a kill line.
00:48:19Like when Dirty Harry says,
00:48:21go ahead, make my day.
00:48:23When you shoot somebody, you need a kill line.
00:48:25It's only polite.
00:48:27You obviously never killed a man before.
00:48:29No.
00:48:31This thinking stuff is hard.
00:48:33I need something, you know,
00:48:35something witty to say.
00:48:37How about give it up, guinea pigs?
00:48:39Give it up, guinea pigs?
00:48:41What are they, freaking rappers?
00:48:43Give it up, guinea pigs,
00:48:45for the first Italian rappers?
00:48:47Shut up.
00:48:49How about eat you later?
00:48:51Don't shut the hell up.
00:48:53And let me think, okay?
00:48:57I got it.
00:48:59Okay, what is it?
00:49:01I'm not gonna tell you.
00:49:03A kill line is meant to be
00:49:05the last thing a victim ever hears.
00:49:07That's the glory of it.
00:49:09If I tell you, then they know it's coming.
00:49:11And us talking about it in front of them
00:49:13doesn't do that?
00:49:15You know, you're a wise ass.
00:49:17And you know what I do to wise asses?
00:49:19I wasn't thinking that, but that's not a bad damn idea.
00:49:21Well, okay, then.
00:49:23Go ahead. Take them out, huh?
00:49:25Don't be afraid about the cage.
00:49:27Don't think guinea pigs.
00:49:29Think Italian pork.
00:49:33But they're kind of cute
00:49:35in a hair-all-over-your-ass kind of way.
00:49:37They sort of remind me of my girlfriend.
00:49:39Come on, do it.
00:49:41Shoot them. Shoot that flumpy little asses.
00:49:43All right, all right.
00:49:45Just relax, okay?
00:49:47I'll take care of business.
00:49:53Hey.
00:49:55What do you think they're saying?
00:49:57I-I think they're saying
00:49:59that you're a loser.
00:50:01You're a chicken. You're a pussy.
00:50:03A baby girl.
00:50:05You think so?
00:50:07Hey, wait a minute.
00:50:09How do you know what they're saying?
00:50:11You Dr. Freaking Doolittle or something?
00:50:13You calling me a loser?
00:50:15No, no, no.
00:50:17I didn't mean...
00:50:19They just might be the cutest little things
00:50:21that I've ever seen.
00:50:23I just can't do it.
00:50:25It'd be like shooting my little sister.
00:50:27What? What are you doing?
00:50:29I can't do it.
00:50:31To tell you the truth,
00:50:33I think I'm a closet vegan.
00:50:35You mean vegan?
00:50:37Yeah, that's the word.
00:50:39Vegan.
00:50:41And don't you ever correct me again.
00:50:43Just two quick shots in their frontal lobes
00:50:45and we'll have ourselves a little appetizer.
00:50:47Hey, didn't you hear me?
00:50:49We're vegans. All of us are vegans.
00:50:51We're all vegans.
00:50:53And if I catch one of you touching
00:50:55one little hair on their chinny-chin-chin,
00:50:57then I'll cut you.
00:50:59Capisce?
00:51:03Capisce.
00:51:09And he's on the green.
00:51:11What were you doing talking to Carrie?
00:51:13I wasn't talking to Carrie.
00:51:15I was
00:51:17watching her enormous butt.
00:51:19It was totally mesmerizing.
00:51:21What's the matter with my butt?
00:51:23Well, nothing's wrong with it, honey.
00:51:25Well, then why were you checking out
00:51:27Buffalo Butt?
00:51:29Well, ever since I've been on these pills,
00:51:31I'm getting turned on by really fat chicks.
00:51:33Fat chicks?
00:51:35Yes, and not your average
00:51:37everyday chubbers either.
00:51:39I mean, I'm getting really turned on
00:51:41by your big-butted
00:51:43track pant wearing
00:51:45going to the buffet while you're on your way
00:51:47to bingo girls.
00:51:49Are you saying you don't find me attractive?
00:51:51You could be.
00:51:53But you need to eat for crying out loud.
00:51:55Look at you.
00:51:57I mean, you could have a love handle here
00:51:59and one there and put on a little roll
00:52:01there and
00:52:03thicken up the loins a little
00:52:05and bam, you'd be good to go.
00:52:07I work hard to look like this.
00:52:09Shame, isn't it?
00:52:11You should let yourself go.
00:52:13I mean, give me some shimmy, huh?
00:52:15It's far more attractive.
00:52:17Are you serious?
00:52:19Absolutely. I mean, do you
00:52:21realize we didn't need to spend
00:52:23nine grand for these?
00:52:25Had you been willing
00:52:27to put a C-note on and chunk,
00:52:29you'd have had them naturally.
00:52:31You know, something for me to play with and squeeze.
00:52:33So next time you're
00:52:35having your popcorn, just triple the butter,
00:52:37eat more bread, have your
00:52:39chocolate cake, and boom,
00:52:41you'd be totally
00:52:43hot. I thought you
00:52:45liked me like this.
00:52:47In the old days, maybe,
00:52:49but the new me,
00:52:51I like them large and
00:52:53porky. So I tell you what,
00:52:55you get really plump,
00:52:57I'll buy you some nice white
00:52:59spandex, you know, the really tight
00:53:01and clingy kind.
00:53:03But I'm hot!
00:53:05I really am!
00:53:07You really could be, but it's
00:53:09okay, honey, it's fine.
00:53:11I will love you no matter how
00:53:13unattractive your body becomes.
00:53:15Ah! Ah!
00:53:17What?
00:53:21Swing through the kitchen.
00:53:29Ooh!
00:53:31Oh!
00:53:33A little woozy!
00:53:37I think the earrings are too damn
00:53:39heavy.
00:53:49Oh!
00:53:51Oh!
00:53:53Oh!
00:54:01Oh!
00:54:17Hi, this is the Myers residence.
00:54:19I'd like to order a couple of pizzas for delivery.
00:54:23You don't make pizzas.
00:54:25You Chinese?
00:54:27What the hell
00:54:29difference does that make? You people invented
00:54:31pasta, didn't you?
00:54:33I see.
00:54:35So you're telling me no.
00:54:37All right,
00:54:39as long as you're polite about it.
00:54:41Okay, ciao.
00:54:43No, no, no,
00:54:45not chow mein.
00:54:47Never mind.
00:54:49Grandma!
00:54:51Grandma!
00:54:53Miss Myers, we need to get up there.
00:54:55The... Grandma?
00:54:59Oh, my God, I think she's dead.
00:55:01I didn't do it.
00:55:03I didn't say you did do it. Do what?
00:55:05Nothing. Go back inside.
00:55:07What are you two doing? We're not doing anything,
00:55:09but she doesn't look like
00:55:11she's all that well. What? She's just sleeping.
00:55:13Look, Grandma!
00:55:15No, no, I think...
00:55:17I think she's dead.
00:55:19Wait, what? She's dead? How do you know?
00:55:21Did you touch her? I don't touch dead bodies.
00:55:23Well, how do you know she's dead
00:55:25if you didn't check her out? That's a good point.
00:55:27You should touch her. Hey, that's my grandma.
00:55:29You touch her. She's your grandmother.
00:55:31You should... One of you should touch her.
00:55:33Well, somebody's got to touch her. Not me.
00:55:35You do it, then. Yeah, hey, hey,
00:55:37you should do it. You're the one who's sleeping with her.
00:55:39I didn't sleep with your grandmother.
00:55:41With her, space boy.
00:55:43Oh. Fine.
00:55:45Fine, I'll do it.
00:55:47I'll do it.
00:55:49No!
00:55:51You just scared the shit out of me.
00:55:53She moved!
00:55:55Okay.
00:55:57Okay.
00:55:59What's that?
00:56:01I don't know.
00:56:03It's like an
00:56:05excess skin thing.
00:56:07She's morphing or something. That's disgusting.
00:56:09That is the biggest mole
00:56:11I have ever seen.
00:56:13Oh, my God.
00:56:15Oh, my God.
00:56:17Oh, my God.
00:56:19Is that her breast?
00:56:21Oh, hell no.
00:56:23Come on.
00:56:25Well, tuck it back in.
00:56:27You're not talking to
00:56:29me do it.
00:56:31It's your grandmother. You all should do it.
00:56:33We're family. We can't do that kind of thing.
00:56:35It gets a little weird.
00:56:37I'm not family, and it's really weird.
00:56:39Well,
00:56:41tuck it back in.
00:56:43Okay, okay, I'll do it.
00:56:47Okay.
00:56:51It's in?
00:56:53Yeah, it's done.
00:56:55Okay, look.
00:56:57We should probably
00:56:59tell Mom and Dad.
00:57:01No, no, no. That'll ruin Christmas.
00:57:03What are you talking about?
00:57:05Her dying doesn't?
00:57:07This is the first time in years that Mom and I have gotten along.
00:57:09I mean, everyone's getting along, even you and Dad.
00:57:11Okay, I just...
00:57:13I think that we should tell someone, like the police, maybe.
00:57:15What difference is a few hours gonna make?
00:57:17This is a bad idea.
00:57:19No.
00:57:21No, no, no, no, no.
00:57:23It's a great idea. I like it.
00:57:25How do you think she died?
00:57:27Well, I mean,
00:57:29she's old. It's probably
00:57:31old people stuff.
00:57:35What if she was murdered?
00:57:37What? How?
00:57:39I don't know. She was fine a few minutes ago,
00:57:41and now she's dead.
00:57:43No one would do something like that.
00:57:45What the hell are you doing out there?
00:57:47Do I have to come out there and kick some ass?
00:57:49Shit.
00:57:51Sonny.
00:57:53Sonny.
00:57:55Yeah? You think so?
00:57:57Oh, yeah, absolutely.
00:57:59He is scary.
00:58:01What are we gonna do?
00:58:03I don't know. We'll just, you know,
00:58:05we'll have to fake it, you know?
00:58:07We'll make her look like she's alive.
00:58:09We'll get her moving around a little bit.
00:58:11Huh?
00:58:13Is this your brother?
00:58:15That is the dumbest thing that I've ever heard of.
00:58:17Oh, yeah? Where'd you come from, docky boy?
00:58:19I'm gonna break your scrawny little necks
00:58:21if you don't get your dumb asses in here
00:58:23right now!
00:58:25I'll do whatever I can to help. Just anything.
00:58:27Peace.
00:58:39What are the green things?
00:58:41Peas.
00:58:43There's no meat in them, is there?
00:58:45No, because you wouldn't let me whack the rodents.
00:58:47The what?
00:58:49Good.
00:58:51Then everybody could have some.
00:58:53I have an announcement to make.
00:58:55Hooray! Toast!
00:58:57Who's this?
00:58:59Oh, that's Johnny the Whack.
00:59:01Another grandson?
00:59:03What kind of a name is that, Johnny the Whack?
00:59:05You should have called him Marion or Sheldon.
00:59:07They must have beat him senseless
00:59:09when he went to school.
00:59:11He looks about your age.
00:59:13Pop, you're gonna get me killed.
00:59:15You were a busy, busy man.
00:59:17A ladies' man.
00:59:19Uh, you're a tiger.
00:59:21Shh.
00:59:25I know you all don't know me,
00:59:27and that's okay.
00:59:29I just want to tell you
00:59:31that we're all vegans
00:59:33from now on.
00:59:35Or I'll cut yous.
00:59:39Are all your kids vegetarians?
00:59:41I'm sorry, son,
00:59:43if I wasn't around when you were little,
00:59:45I could have helped you get through this mess.
00:59:47Well, amen, brother.
00:59:49Meat makes my fingernails fall off anyway.
00:59:51Here's to the Whackster.
00:59:53You guys are the nicest freaking family
00:59:55I ever met.
01:00:01They're nuts.
01:00:03I tell you, they're all nuts.
01:00:05Help me.
01:00:11Let go of me.
01:00:13Let me go.
01:00:15Get me out of this place.
01:00:17Get me out of here.
01:00:19Let me go.
01:00:21Help, let go of me.
01:00:23Let me go.
01:00:25Let me go.
01:00:27Let me go.
01:00:29Help, let me go.
01:00:31Let me go.
01:00:33Let's go.
01:00:34Let's go.
01:00:39OK.
01:00:40OK.
01:00:41Let's go.
01:00:48Oh, damn it.
01:00:50Oh, hey.
01:00:55Hey.
01:00:56Woo.
01:00:58Whoa.
01:00:59Ooh.
01:01:01Oh.
01:01:02Is she all right?
01:01:03She's drunk again.
01:01:05No, yeah, she's a little tipsy.
01:01:08She's OK.
01:01:10Yeah, she's fine.
01:01:12Here.
01:01:12No.
01:01:13OK.
01:01:14Come here.
01:01:17No, no, no.
01:01:18No, no.
01:01:19It's OK.
01:01:20It's OK.
01:01:20Whoa.
01:01:21Just.
01:01:25Whoa, dude, you're a great dancer.
01:01:28Thanks.
01:01:28Way to go, Grandma.
01:01:30Yeah.
01:01:31Come sit down.
01:01:32OK.
01:01:34Yeah, she had a few red wines.
01:01:41Mom, I'll sit next to Grandma.
01:01:42Why don't you scoot over and sit next to Dad?
01:01:43No, I said I'll be civil.
01:01:44I can handle it.
01:01:45Don't touch her.
01:01:46She'll break.
01:01:47But I really want to sit next to Grandma.
01:01:49Go sit down, baby.
01:01:50I mean it.
01:01:56Hello, Granny.
01:01:59Hello.
01:02:00Anyone home?
01:02:07Mom.
01:02:10High in carbs.
01:02:17Whack the old broad.
01:02:25What's the matter?
01:02:25Nobody's eating.
01:02:26The food is shit.
01:02:28What did you say?
01:02:30Don't taste any good.
01:02:31That's better.
01:02:33Grandma, use a napkin.
01:02:45I know you're hungry, but you look like I got home.
01:02:50Get a little more glue.
01:02:56That'll get it.
01:03:00Jesus.
01:03:03You guys could make a cute couple,
01:03:04but you'll never convert old Dan to Don here.
01:03:07I am Søren Plundey from Denmark.
01:03:09I'm here to meet Miss Meyers.
01:03:10I believe you already know Trudy, Miss Meyers' agent.
01:03:13You're the one with the evil eye, right?
01:03:15Hey, look.
01:03:16I got no time for wasting time, sunshine.
01:03:18Just introduce us and get out of the way.
01:03:24Mm.
01:03:26How are you doing, everybody?
01:03:27Merry Christmas.
01:03:28Hey, you introduce yourself.
01:03:31I'm going to go see if that dinner's up to par.
01:03:38Holy shit.
01:03:40Come on in.
01:03:42You bringing some zub, brother?
01:03:44Yeah, I got three larges, two garlic breads,
01:03:46some curly fries.
01:03:47That'll be $29.
01:03:49Yeah, beautiful.
01:03:49Sounds good to me.
01:03:51That's a lot of money.
01:03:53Yeah, beautiful.
01:03:54Sounds good to me.
01:03:57Extra buck is for you, dude.
01:03:58Don't spend it all in one place.
01:04:00Hello.
01:04:01Merry Christmas.
01:04:01I'm Søren Plundey.
01:04:02I'm here to see Miss Meyers about a movie I'm doing.
01:04:06Come on in.
01:04:07She's right here.
01:04:10Say hello.
01:04:11Hello, Miss Meyers.
01:04:14She's beautiful.
01:04:15She's just a little young to be a pizza delivery guy.
01:04:18Hey, I've been doing this for over 30 years.
01:04:21Someday I hope to be a master pizza delivery guy.
01:04:23Sort of like a master ninja, but with more sauce,
01:04:26if you know what I mean.
01:04:27I got plans.
01:04:27I got really big plans.
01:04:29Wow.
01:04:30It must suck to be you.
01:04:32You want to come in?
01:04:33Really?
01:04:34You're serious?
01:04:34No one's ever invited me in before.
01:04:36Yeah, yeah.
01:04:37I've got a soft spot for losers.
01:04:39Why don't you sit in that spot?
01:04:41Well, we were just talking some something.
01:04:45You can sit down right next to the lady of the house.
01:04:48It was good talking to you, Grandma.
01:04:52That's so sweet.
01:04:54Now Matt.
01:05:01I cannot believe this.
01:05:03You are.
01:05:05Hey, what's your name?
01:05:06Hobley.
01:05:07That's a stupid name.
01:05:09Your parents crack addicts or something?
01:05:11Seriously, that's your name?
01:05:13Hobley.
01:05:14Well, no worries.
01:05:15You'll fit right in with this group.
01:05:17Well, let's try this.
01:05:18Hey, everybody.
01:05:20This is the pizza guy.
01:05:21He's going to join us for dinner.
01:05:27See?
01:05:27You're already part of the family.
01:05:30He's a sheriff.
01:05:33It's about frigging time.
01:05:35He's my friend, man.
01:05:37Here, right here, brother.
01:05:44All right.
01:05:45Would you mind taking off your hat?
01:05:47Oh.
01:05:49Pardon.
01:05:56Okay.
01:05:57I'm going upstairs to make my long-distance phone calls.
01:06:02Call me if you need me.
01:06:10And so the film is about love and lust
01:06:12and the deterioration of the relationship
01:06:14between a man and a woman after his later years.
01:06:17And it's a comedy.
01:06:26So what's the name of this movie?
01:06:28The Swan Song.
01:06:30So it's a movie about a couple of fags.
01:06:33What do you mean?
01:06:35Who makes a freaking movie with a swan?
01:06:38I already said it's about a man and a woman.
01:06:42Is there any blood and guts in it?
01:06:44Gore?
01:06:45No.
01:06:47Any car chases?
01:06:48No.
01:06:49So it sounds like a fag-ola movie to me.
01:06:52One of those movies about Danish fag-olas.
01:06:54The worst kind.
01:06:55Yeah.
01:06:56You a fag director?
01:06:58No, I am actually married.
01:07:01Oh, yeah? And what's his name?
01:07:03Yeah, right?
01:07:04You know what?
01:07:05You should be banging your wife more
01:07:07instead of making freaking movies about swans.
01:07:10Swans.
01:07:11But taste good in a Cajun peanut butter sauce, don't you think?
01:07:14Slices of lemon in a bucket of chicken.
01:07:17Are you interrupting me?
01:07:19Sounded to me like he was.
01:07:21I don't like that.
01:07:22You want it, you whack him one?
01:07:24Quiet!
01:07:25I'm just checking.
01:07:27Is there anybody here who would like me
01:07:28to take their dog for a walk and shake and bake him?
01:07:31Dad!
01:07:32Just checking.
01:07:33Don't be hating.
01:07:36Have you cast the old man part yet?
01:07:39We haven't cast the old man's part yet.
01:07:42We're still looking to get a star to play it.
01:07:45Well, then you're in good shape.
01:07:48I'm a famous actor.
01:07:49Why don't you use me?
01:07:50Well, have you ever acted before?
01:07:53Have I acted before?
01:07:54I'm famous.
01:07:56I've been in over 100 films.
01:08:00Nothing comes to mind.
01:08:01Nope.
01:08:02Well, I think I do remember you.
01:08:05You're the guy who played Santa Claus
01:08:06in those beer commercials?
01:08:08I really need someone just a little more talented.
01:08:10Someone who can do physical comedy
01:08:12while still being extremely dramatic.
01:08:15And besides, I only have room for one American.
01:08:17The other person needs to be Danish.
01:08:20I can do comedy.
01:08:21I really can.
01:08:23Wanna see?
01:08:26No, not really.
01:08:27So pizza guy,
01:08:28why does a guy as old as you want to deliver pizzas for a living?
01:08:32Lack of marketable skills for the most part.
01:08:34Oh, I hear you, bro.
01:08:36You're coming from the heart.
01:08:38You're a retard, aren't you?
01:08:39Hey, hey.
01:08:40My IQ is 91.
01:08:41I hope to get it over 100 someday.
01:08:43It's something to shoot for anyway.
01:08:4691?
01:08:48You're one step above a plunger, dude.
01:08:51It's okay.
01:08:53At least you have your looks.
01:08:56Hey, hands off the food, brother.
01:08:58You're not eating it.
01:08:59Well, that's because it's in your mouth, Oprah.
01:09:01Snooze you lose, asshole.
01:09:03Oh, what?
01:09:05Little guy's dissing me, man.
01:09:07You're the brainiac that invited him in.
01:09:09Send him away if you don't want him around.
01:09:12Hey, give me my plate back, butter butt.
01:09:15You're out of control.
01:09:16Jesus.
01:09:18Where the hell did you come from, dude?
01:09:20I live near the old age home.
01:09:22I like being near things that are about to die.
01:09:27You're the real Christmas spirit kind of guy, I can tell.
01:09:31Miss Myers, perhaps we can discuss your participation in the film?
01:09:38Are you not?
01:09:39Well, you are terribly cold.
01:09:42She's always like that.
01:09:43She's cold.
01:09:45Cold, evil witch.
01:09:49Don't take it personally.
01:09:50How can you say that?
01:09:51She is right here.
01:09:52You should hear what I say behind her back.
01:09:56Could you be a dear and get me another drink?
01:10:03I can tell you things that would make your toes just...
01:10:07curl.
01:10:13If it takes three of you to make one drink, at least make it a triple.
01:10:17This is getting completely out of hand.
01:10:19We have got to get your grandmother out of there.
01:10:21No shit, Sherlock, all right?
01:10:22Anybody know how?
01:10:24Have you guys forgotten about Sonny and his gangster friend out there?
01:10:28I think we should call the police.
01:10:30Okay, yeah, and then Sonny finds out and we die.
01:10:33Okay, well, then there's only one thing we can do.
01:10:36We've got to take him out.
01:10:39What? You're kidding.
01:10:40Look, I'm a vegan, man.
01:10:41I don't kill animals.
01:10:42I don't kill my cousin.
01:10:43Okay, okay, maybe we don't have to kill him.
01:10:45Maybe we can tranquilize him.
01:10:48Oh, yeah, I'll just go get a tranquilizer gun at the local convenience store.
01:10:50No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:10:52Listen, maybe I'm way off here, but your Uncle Teddy's got those pills.
01:10:55I mean, he's got 101 different side effects going on.
01:10:58Drowsiness has got to be one of them.
01:11:00I mean, when has a pill not made you drowsy?
01:11:03Hey, I'm telling you right now, hungry hippo,
01:11:06you take one more piece of my dinner, I'm going to have you re-circumcised.
01:11:11What?
01:11:12What?
01:11:14Oh, sweet.
01:11:16That one you earned, brother.
01:11:17Give me a little sugar.
01:11:19Life's a big guy, so we probably need a lot of pills.
01:11:22Maybe like 20?
01:11:2420 knockout moose.
01:11:27We better get Uncle Teddy in here.
01:11:30Yeah, all right, stay off.
01:11:32It looks like a niece emergency.
01:11:39You just put your stuff on your plate and eat that, okay?
01:11:42Leave mine alone.
01:11:46No, no, no, no.
01:11:50Eat up, hun.
01:11:53Keep working, you're doing well.
01:11:54That'll fix you.
01:11:56And Godspeed, my friend, if you think you're taking anything off of her plate.
01:12:03Okay, let's go.
01:12:17What's up?
01:12:18Christmas is no time for long faces.
01:12:20We have some bad news.
01:12:23Grandma's dead.
01:12:26I'm glad I'm not the only one that noticed.
01:12:29You knew?
01:12:29Of course I knew.
01:12:30The woman's blue.
01:12:31Smurf.
01:12:32Well, we think that Sonny did it and that Johnny
01:12:34had something to do with it.
01:12:35Excellent choice.
01:12:36Although I was thinking it was probably your mom.
01:12:38But Sonny's a better pick.
01:12:40Bigger guy, smart, cooks too well for a good guy.
01:12:43Bad guys are always good cooks.
01:12:45Good guys, they have to go buy hot dogs
01:12:47from street vendors named Vinnie.
01:12:48Now, bad guys, they always have gourmet kitchens
01:12:51and can make sauce.
01:12:53I'm impressed by your ability for deductive reasoning.
01:12:56I truly find it staggering.
01:12:59Yes, it is.
01:13:00Thank you.
01:13:02Oh, ha, sarcasm.
01:13:05OK, I'm getting it, slowly but surely.
01:13:08We need your pills.
01:13:10Oh, they work fast, brother, but not that fast.
01:13:12You're a little height challenged,
01:13:14if you know what I mean.
01:13:15And these things can't make you tall.
01:13:17I think what he means is that we need your pills so that we
01:13:20can put Sonny to sleep so that he stops, you know,
01:13:23killing people.
01:13:24Good idea.
01:13:25I like that one.
01:13:26But why don't we just call the cops
01:13:27and hide in the closet until they come?
01:13:29We're all in good shape, most of us.
01:13:33Worst case scenario, we lose one of the old guys.
01:13:35So what?
01:13:36Survival of the fittest, you know what I mean?
01:13:39It's that way for a reason.
01:13:41I just think we need to stick to this plan, OK?
01:13:44I gotcha.
01:13:45We need to give it to both Sonny and Johnny.
01:13:48These are expensive pills.
01:13:49Why can't we just do Sonny?
01:13:50Because maybe they're both in on it.
01:13:52What?
01:13:53Dude, I'm just trying to save a buck, OK?
01:13:55You don't have to get all huffy.
01:13:57All right.
01:13:58Well, I'll put him in the eggnog,
01:13:59and we'll make him drink it.
01:14:04Come on, man.
01:14:06All right.
01:14:07All right.
01:14:16Here you go.
01:14:17I'd crush it first, though.
01:14:19Really?
01:14:20Are you sure, because I thought I would just
01:14:21put 20 inside of a glass, and hopefully
01:14:23they wouldn't notice the lumps.
01:14:25Well, you could try it if you want to,
01:14:27but that wouldn't be my recommendation.
01:14:33Oh, sarcasm.
01:14:35I got it now.
01:14:36Very good, huh?
01:14:37The tester, he's got it.
01:14:39All right.
01:14:40Oh.
01:14:55Can I help you, dear?
01:15:05You sure you're OK?
01:15:07Absolutely.
01:15:08I'm good.
01:15:10Oh.
01:15:12You have amazing posture.
01:15:14900 years old and straight as a boar.
01:15:17Look at how straight you are.
01:15:22Woman down, woman down.
01:15:24She's falling, and she can't get up.
01:15:26Better call a doctor.
01:15:27Jack Daniels.
01:15:28I'll get him.
01:15:29I'll get him.
01:15:34Miss Meyers, are you OK?
01:15:35Just get away, OK?
01:15:36I took first aid.
01:15:38I know exactly what I'm doing.
01:15:39It was at the NRA seminar, OK?
01:15:40Let me handle it.
01:15:41Mommy, are you OK?
01:15:43Mommy?
01:15:44Maybe someone should call a doctor.
01:15:47That broad's dead, man.
01:15:48She smells like an old piano, for Christ's sake.
01:15:50That's her normal smell.
01:15:51Really?
01:15:53Yeah.
01:15:54Family curse, I'm afraid.
01:15:55Well, what's the matter with you freaks, huh?
01:15:57How come nobody ever thought about buying
01:15:59her a stick of deodorant?
01:16:00It's Christmas.
01:16:01What else would you get an old broad who maybe got one or two
01:16:05years left to live anyway, huh?
01:16:07That's cold, man.
01:16:08Well, she's cold.
01:16:10What are we going to do?
01:16:12Well, did you ever see that movie, Pulp Fiction?
01:16:14What's that have to do with anything?
01:16:15Well, in the movie, there was a hot chick,
01:16:18and they hit her with a shot of adrenaline
01:16:20because she was dead, and they brought her back to life.
01:16:22Yeah, but that girl had a heroin overdose.
01:16:24Yeah, that old broad ain't no hot chick.
01:16:27Well, she used to be good in her day.
01:16:29Yeah, and it worked in the movie.
01:16:31Why do you even have any?
01:16:32Yeah, I get an ice box full of it.
01:16:34I get old people living here.
01:16:39So what?
01:16:40You petunias got issues?
01:16:49I want you to stay right here till I frickin' get back.
01:16:51Capisce?
01:16:57Here it is.
01:16:57OK.
01:16:58OK.
01:17:00What do we do with it?
01:17:01I can't remember.
01:17:02What do you mean you don't remember?
01:17:03I don't remember.
01:17:04I don't remember.
01:17:05I don't remember.
01:17:06I don't remember.
01:17:07What do you mean you don't remember?
01:17:08Didn't you see the freaking movie?
01:17:10Come on!
01:17:12We stab her with a needle.
01:17:13Stabbing's good.
01:17:14Where?
01:17:15In the living room.
01:17:16What do I know?
01:17:17I think it was in the heart.
01:17:18I'm pretty sure it was in the heart.
01:17:19I think it was in the throat.
01:17:20Well, which is it?
01:17:21Maybe it was in the balls.
01:17:22But she's a woman.
01:17:23Yeah, that's your opinion.
01:17:25Have you checked her out?
01:17:25Hey, that's my mom.
01:17:27Hey, she's still a very sexy lady.
01:17:31She looks like my dad, for crying out loud.
01:17:34I mean, that broad couldn't get screwed
01:17:35if she was in a prison full of sexual offenders, if you ask me.
01:17:38We need to hurry up!
01:17:39OK, fine.
01:17:40Just tell me what to do, because, well,
01:17:43my handbook doesn't say what to do.
01:17:44It just talks about accidentally shooting Democrats.
01:17:47You're a Republican.
01:17:48Well, that explains the dumb shit syndrome.
01:17:52We'll just go get the pizza guy and bring him back in here.
01:17:54Yeah, OK.
01:18:01This guy's out cold.
01:18:04Well, I told you to bring him in here.
01:18:08I didn't tell you to kill him.
01:18:09Hey, ruin all my fun?
01:18:11This place looks like a freaking morgue.
01:18:13So why the pizza guy?
01:18:14Because we need a test case, and he's not family.
01:18:18That makes sense.
01:18:19OK, so what do we do?
01:18:23Chest?
01:18:24Short to heart.
01:18:25Start to heart.
01:18:26Well, maybe since it's a test case,
01:18:28we should go for the throat, no?
01:18:29Maybe you should go for the balls.
01:18:32Get with the balls.
01:18:33Do it quickly.
01:18:34OK.
01:18:36Let's rock.
01:18:38Higher.
01:18:38You've got to hold it higher.
01:18:39You've got to break all the rips.
01:18:41Break all the rips?
01:18:42Yeah, smash them.
01:18:43You need to plunge in them.
01:18:44Today's a freak.
01:18:45He's been watching too many Spaghetti Westerns,
01:18:47I can tell you that right now.
01:18:48Let me do it.
01:18:49Out of my way.
01:18:50This is very intense.
01:18:53My heart.
01:18:55So what happens now?
01:18:56He hits him with the needle, and he
01:18:57runs apeshit all over the room.
01:18:59Anyone got an aspirin?
01:19:01OK.
01:19:02This time it's for real.
01:19:03OK.
01:19:04Ah!
01:19:07Well, that's kind of disappointing.
01:19:08Yeah, it is, isn't it?
01:19:09I told you to hit him in the balls.
01:19:11Oh.
01:19:12Oh.
01:19:14Pops?
01:19:15Grandpa?
01:19:17Oh, my darn, they're dropping like flies around here.
01:19:19What is this, the St. Nicholas Day Massacre or what?
01:19:22Well, luckily we have enough of this for everyone.
01:19:25Look me up.
01:19:25I'm going for the testicles.
01:19:27I told you.
01:19:28I told you.
01:19:30This is going to work, I guarantee it.
01:19:34Ah!
01:19:35Ah!
01:19:36Stop it!
01:19:39No, I am not dead, you frigging morons.
01:19:45Oh.
01:19:46Well, I'm an actress, am I not?
01:19:50Did any of you ever think to take a pulse, you jerks?
01:19:54Oh, for God's sake, I am dead.
01:19:57Oh, for God's sake, I am dealing with really creepy people
01:20:01here.
01:20:02And you, don't you dare touch that man's testicles.
01:20:07He's got enough strikes against him as it is.
01:20:12Now, what happened to him?
01:20:14He's deader than a doornail.
01:20:16Toast.
01:20:17What?
01:20:20Oh, my God.
01:20:22Well, why isn't anybody doing anything for him?
01:20:25Clark?
01:20:26Clark?
01:20:27Clark, don't you dare die on me.
01:20:31Why don't you give him a little mouth to mouth?
01:20:33Why don't you, Sonny?
01:20:35He's a stinky old man.
01:20:36You're four feet closer.
01:20:37Grandma, let me win one argument.
01:20:40Fine.
01:20:42But if I get a venereal disease.
01:20:44Grandma.
01:20:45OK.
01:20:51Oh!
01:20:53He's gone.
01:21:02I couldn't do a thing for him.
01:21:06That's so tragic.
01:21:10Are you all right?
01:21:12Yes.
01:21:14Yes.
01:21:17It was his damned heart.
01:21:19It was his damned heart.
01:21:21His poor, wretched heart.
01:21:25So much caring.
01:21:27So little love.
01:21:30Oh, poor darling husband.
01:21:34He was such a great actor.
01:21:38He was adequate.
01:21:42Not much range.
01:21:44Actually, he was damn lucky.
01:21:48But thank you.
01:21:50Thank you for noticing what little talent he had.
01:21:54Hey, I'm not dead.
01:21:58Oh!
01:22:00His last gasp.
01:22:03I'm so sorry you had to see that.
01:22:06I cannot express my sorrow.
01:22:10Oh, but you can.
01:22:13You can.
01:22:14Really?
01:22:16In his honor.
01:22:18You can give me that lovely role in your movie.
01:22:25What do you say, Soren?
01:22:27Hmm?
01:22:29One last film to honor my poor, dead, dying husband.
01:22:37Well, maybe he's all right.
01:22:42Maybe.
01:22:44Why, do you want him to be?
01:22:46Well, you're both so good, maybe I could use both of you.
01:22:50Maybe?
01:22:52Definitely, yes.
01:22:54Okay.
01:22:56Come on, Clark, get up.
01:22:58You're in.
01:22:59Yahoo!
01:23:00In what?
01:23:01The movie.
01:23:02Really?
01:23:03Roll him.
01:23:15What's the matter, honey?
01:23:17You look like you've seen a ghost.
01:23:20You were cold.
01:23:22You were just like a dead person.
01:23:25Oh, I was faking it.
01:23:28Come on, you know all about faking it.
01:23:32This is like a real ghost movie.
01:23:35I know.
01:23:37I know.
01:23:39You know all about faking it.
01:23:42This is like a really bad vampire movie.
01:23:46You're never going to die, are you?
01:23:49No.
01:23:50No, sweetie, I'm not.
01:23:52You see, it's one of the advantages of being the anti-Christ.
01:23:57Oh.
01:24:01I suppose this would be a good time to apologize.
01:24:07Yeah.
01:24:10Me too.
01:24:15And the broccoli up the nose?
01:24:18Oh.
01:24:20Oh, come on, I didn't mind that.
01:24:24Oh, good, and the next time I'll just put an eggplant up your hiney.
01:24:29Oh, that's smart.
01:24:32No, I don't think I'd like that.
01:24:35Oh, God.
01:24:39I'm, like, so glad you're back.
01:24:42I'm glad to be back.
01:24:44Merry Christmas, Mom.
01:24:46Merry Christmas, sunshine.
01:24:51Well, this must be one of the signs that the apocalypse is on us.
01:24:59All right, I think it's ready.
01:25:01Okay, who's going to give it to him?
01:25:03You give it to him.
01:25:04Hey, not me, I'm a pacifist.
01:25:06Matt Will.
01:25:07What?
01:25:08What do you mean, Matt Will?
01:25:09How do I always get elected?
01:25:11If you want any more you-know-what, you're going to do it.
01:25:15Yeah, well, you-know-what isn't all that.
01:25:19Ouch, dude, he bangs one in from three.
01:25:22Yeah, Air Matt takes it off.
01:25:24Okay, so this is how you're going to play it, big man in front of my family, little man inside the bedroom?
01:25:30Oh, in your face, slam.
01:25:33Poster shot, dude.
01:25:35Well, you know, guys, I think that she's been cheating on me.
01:25:39Yeah, every time we do it, she's yelling out some other guy's name.
01:25:43Looks like an air ball to me.
01:25:46Crowd goes silent.
01:25:48Oh, God.
01:25:52Oh, God.
01:25:54Oh, God.
01:25:58Hey, have I ever forgotten who this Oh God guy is?
01:26:01Oh, over the top.
01:26:03That's right.
01:26:04What a walk out of this one.
01:26:05General Salama.
01:26:06Very nice.
01:26:12What is this shit?
01:26:13Drink it.
01:26:16It looks like slime-encrusted pickle juice.
01:26:19And it probably tastes like it, too, but if you want to live through Christmas, you're going to drink it and drink it now.
01:26:24Man, are they getting bold, huh?
01:26:26We freaking lost control.
01:26:28It's not like any old days.
01:26:30I know what you did.
01:26:32What are you talking about?
01:26:33To Grandma, we all know.
01:26:35I'd do everything for that woman.
01:26:37Yeah.
01:26:38Oh, no, we know you mafia bastards killed her.
01:26:43What are you, a freaking nut?
01:26:45We saw the body, okay?
01:26:46You two are going to freaking fry you sons of bitches.
01:26:49Yeah.
01:26:50How could you?
01:26:51Excuse me.
01:26:52How could they what, sweeties?
01:26:56Oh, what a pity the academy didn't get to see this fabulous performance I gave.
01:27:04Oh, man.
01:27:05In your balls.
01:27:07Yeah, yeah.
01:27:09We really had you guys going.
01:27:12Yeah.
01:27:13What?
01:27:14Was that a joke, man?
01:27:17Damn.
01:27:18You guys are good.
01:27:19You got me again.
01:27:21How could you think I would kill her?
01:27:23You are a scary guy, Sonny.
01:27:25You're a mobster, I mean.
01:27:27I'm a freaking garbage man.
01:27:29We're both garbage men and pretty good at it, too.
01:27:32Nobody's going to believe you guys are garbage, man.
01:27:35Capone here even carries a gun.
01:27:37Yeah.
01:27:38Look at my face, Jack.
01:27:40Do I look like a bad guy to you?
01:27:44You do look like a bad guy.
01:27:47Now that I think about it, you got one screwed up evil vibe.
01:27:51Oh, you look like a hit man, Mr. F this and F that.
01:27:55With your evil staring beady eyed, I'm going to kill you asshole.
01:27:59Oh, yeah, I'm a puppy compared to you.
01:28:01And you're freaking talking to me, demeanor.
01:28:04Oh, demeanor?
01:28:05You can use three syllable words now?
01:28:07What are you, a nut job?
01:28:08You want me to shoot you?
01:28:09You know what, guys?
01:28:10You're right.
01:28:11I can't see how we could have mistaken them for good fellas.
01:28:13No?
01:28:16Hey, clear up the table so we can open the presents.
01:28:20You know, I'm not feeling so good.
01:28:24Hey.
01:28:26Hey, I got some kind of a shimmy and butt cheek thing happening over here.
01:28:33Hey, bright eyes.
01:28:35What was in the drink?
01:28:36We're going to go now.
01:28:38What was in the freaking drink?
01:28:41I have to admit, Mr. Myers, you really had me going.
01:28:44That heart attack, the fake memory thing?
01:28:47What fake memory thing?
01:28:49See?
01:28:50That's excellent.
01:28:51You are so good.
01:28:53Oh, man.
01:28:55My eyes are cramping.
01:28:57I can't open my eyes.
01:28:59I'm blind, Sonny.
01:29:00Sonny, I'm blind.
01:29:02Never mind that.
01:29:03I'm growing a third ass cheek over here.
01:29:06Okay, guys.
01:29:07Well done.
01:29:08Okay, guys.
01:29:09Well done.
01:29:10You're both marvelous.
01:29:11You're in the movie.
01:29:13I knew you would love them.
01:29:16I represent the whole family.
01:29:19Isn't this wonderful?
01:29:22Everything's finally in place.
01:29:24The whole family together.
01:29:27Even Clark's here.
01:29:29Well, most of him.
01:29:31Grandpa.
01:29:32Been a good Christmas, Mom.
01:29:34Wonderful.
01:29:35Wonderful.
01:29:36Usually Christmas makes me quite insane.
01:29:40Usually it makes you an asshole.
01:29:42Amen, sister.
01:29:45Where did you come from?
01:29:46From the pits of hell, baby.
01:29:48Where do you think agents come from?
01:29:53Merry Christmas, Grandma.
01:29:54Thank you, sugar.
01:29:56Thank you.
01:29:58Merry Christmas, Grandma.
01:29:59Love you.
01:30:02You're a really great actress.
01:30:04Thank you.
01:30:06Now you take care of my little girl.
01:30:10Okay.
01:30:24You better?
01:30:26Yes.
01:30:27Much better.
01:30:28Thank you.
01:30:29Come on over here.
01:30:31You're pretty cool for a complete imbecile.
01:30:33This is the best Christmas I've ever had.
01:30:35Where are my presents?
01:30:39Nobody ever loved you at Christmas, did they?
01:30:41My mother used to feed me hamster pellets and graham crackers for Christmas dinner.
01:30:45Feel like sticking around for a while?
01:30:47I have some pills I can give you for a present.
01:30:48Sound cool?
01:30:49Really?
01:30:50Pills?
01:30:51Cool.
01:30:52Hey, I've never gotten anything like that ever.
01:30:54Hey, I will share with you, brother.
01:30:57My wife is pretty hot, isn't she?
01:30:59Oh, yeah.
01:31:00She's got the absolute creamiest.
01:31:02There's a new sheriff in town, half-wit, and her name is Sally.
01:31:06Love you.
01:31:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:31:12Hello, Obie.
01:31:13Hello, Grandpa.
01:31:14See, I remember at least one of Harry's kids.
01:31:17It's on my name tag right here.
01:31:20Nah, you're probably illegitimate.
01:31:22Welcome to the family, brother.
01:31:26Yo, Harry!
01:31:40Harry!
01:31:41What's up, baby?
01:31:42How you doing?
01:31:43How's it going?
01:31:44Hey, you.
01:31:45Hey, you.
01:31:46Hey, you.
01:31:47Oh, hi.
01:31:48Hi.
01:31:49Stop.
01:31:50Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:32:20Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:32:50Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:20Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:22Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:24Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:26Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:28Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:30Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:32Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:34Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:36Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:38Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:40Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:42Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:44Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:46Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:48Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:50Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:52Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:54Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:56Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:33:58Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:00Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:02Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:04Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:06Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:08Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:10Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:12Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:14Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:16Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:18Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:20Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:22Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:24Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:26Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:28Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:30Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:32Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:34Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:36Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:38Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:40Merry Christmas, everybody!
01:34:42Merry Christmas, everybody!