Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 01- Unfarming - novahub
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 01- Unfarming
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TVTranscript
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:20 [MUSIC]
00:47 Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm.
00:50 It's the middle of August in 2022.
00:55 Welcome, thanks. Where have you come from?
00:57 And everything seems to be familiar.
01:00 Right.
01:01 And bucolic.
01:05 And wonderful.
01:13 But I'm afraid that behind the scenes, it isn't wonderful at all,
01:17 because everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
01:23 [MUSIC]
01:41 Let's start with the weather.
01:44 After the driest summer for 87 years, the ground is parched and as hard as concrete.
01:51 And as a result, the crops are taking a battering.
01:56 So trying to grow potatoes where there's no moisture,
02:00 that's skin set, so it's not going to grow anymore.
02:03 What do you mean skin set?
02:04 In a new potatoes, if you did that, you'd rub the skin off.
02:08 Like a Jersey Royal.
02:09 Like a Jersey Royal.
02:10 But these are now set their skin to stop them losing moisture.
02:13 So that's as big as it's going to get?
02:15 Yeah.
02:16 Shit.
02:18 Caleb had a go at harvesting these potato pebbles, but it was hopeless.
02:25 I was just dropping them all in.
02:27 The potatoes are that small, they're falling down between the rollers.
02:31 Just dropping them on the top.
02:35 In the next field along, the sunflowers were suffering too.
02:39 Look, it's coming to the end of August.
02:42 These flowers have got to mature, ripen in time for us to harvest them.
02:47 Well, is this seed ready?
02:49 No.
02:50 So we won't be able to harvest these?
02:52 Pointless, no.
02:53 For fuck's sake.
02:58 Next, there was the Echium, a sort of plant-based fish oil,
03:03 which I'd been told would net me a fortune if it grew well.
03:07 Is that it?
03:12 Not a lot, is there?
03:15 That's just...
03:18 That's...
03:19 One field of spelt wheat produced that much.
03:23 One field of Echium has produced...
03:26 that.
03:27 Bloody hell.
03:29 The dryness of the soil also meant that planting next year's oilseed rape
03:37 was a non-starter.
03:39 But look.
03:40 God, that's...
03:41 I tell you, I went down a foot the other day, there's nothing.
03:44 So if we're trying to run rape into that, it's not going to grow.
03:47 On top of all this, there was the pretty little restaurant,
03:53 which we'd opened earlier in the summer to sell the food we'd grown
03:57 and reared on the farm.
03:59 Cheers, guys.
04:01 Cheers, guys.
04:02 But after just six weeks...
04:04 ..the council served us with an enforcement notice,
04:11 telling us it had to close.
04:13 Welcome, everybody.
04:16 How are you?
04:17 Particularly proud of the durum wheat, because it normally grows in Italy.
04:20 It won't look very full.
04:21 More brisket.
04:22 Thank you for coming.
04:23 Enforcement notice.
04:31 What you are required to do within six weeks of the date
04:34 on which this notice comes into effect.
04:36 Cease use of any part of the land for sale or provision of food or drinks
04:40 to members of the public or for consumption on the land.
04:42 Cease use of any part of the land as a restaurant or a cafe,
04:46 even though we're allowed to.
04:47 Cease use of any part of the land for parking.
04:50 What?
04:51 Reinstate the land around the restaurant to a condition similar to that
04:55 of the agricultural land immediately surrounding it.
04:58 Removing all hardcore and other surfacing materials,
05:01 including gravel and stone chippings.
05:03 Why you can't have gravel on a farm, I don't know, but anyway.
05:06 Removing all other landscaping materials, including wooden sleepers,
05:10 wooden plank edging and wood chippings.
05:12 The wood chips just got me what?
05:14 I know, wood chips. They've gone completely mad.
05:16 Removing all plants and planting containers.
05:20 You can't have plant pots on a farm. Ridiculous.
05:23 We're going round and round in circles,
05:25 wasting a lot of fucking good money. Your money.
05:28 Permanent. And the taxpayers.
05:29 Well, everybody's money has just been thrown and pissing it up against the wall.
05:32 It's a joke.
05:33 All the effort we put in and we're back on square one.
05:36 With the restaurant shut down, we could no longer afford to keep all the cows.
05:47 We could hang on to the calves to fatten them up,
05:50 but their mums would have to go.
05:53 We bought 19, they had eight, so that's 27, killed two, 25.
06:03 Correct. We're keeping... 12.
06:06 So 13 are going...
06:09 13 passports I have here.
06:16 Drop them off.
06:17 I'm finding today really quite sad.
06:20 Because for the last year I've been opening the windows,
06:23 opening the curtains in the morning, and there were the cows.
06:26 And I love that. Making cow noises.
06:29 It just cheers my heart every morning to see them.
06:33 Are the calves going to be a bit upset tonight?
06:36 Oh yeah, you're not going to sleep tonight.
06:38 You're not going to sleep tonight.
06:39 They won't? No.
06:40 No, you won't sleep. They'll be calling all night long.
06:44 Hello. Hello.
06:46 Can I just ask, Pepper's going obviously.
06:48 Yeah. What do you think will become of her?
06:51 I wouldn't ask too many questions about Pepper.
06:55 Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.
07:12 Oh, Christ.
07:14 All we had left of the departed
07:19 were some touching phone camera memories.
07:22 No.
07:24 No, no, no, no.
07:27 Out of there. No, you too.
07:29 Out. Out.
07:31 No, not my flowers.
07:32 Get out.
07:33 Go on, shoo.
07:35 Shoo.
07:37 You too, shoo.
07:38 Shoo.
07:41 Jeremy?
07:42 Cup of tea?
07:56 Yeah.
07:57 Okay.
07:58 It's not like we're not keeping a few.
08:05 No, we're not keeping quite a few.
08:07 Yeah.
08:08 Could be all the ones we gave birth to.
08:11 With more than half the herd gone,
08:20 my eco-friendly plan to get the cows and hens working in tandem
08:25 to fertilise the soil was in tatters.
08:29 Soil look, Charlie? All good for the soil?
08:33 Yeah, new soil.
08:34 Yeah, but thanks to West Oxford's District Council,
08:37 we have to use chemicals from now on.
08:39 We've got nitrogen. I know.
08:41 And as cheerful Charlie then explained,
08:46 this was not the year to be buying chemical fertiliser.
08:51 We've got to be realistic about the projections for harvest '23.
08:57 This is the wheat price. Yeah.
08:59 If you look at the blue line, where it peaked at over 350 pounds a tonne...
09:04 Is it falling? It's falling.
09:06 The war's still... How's that happening?
09:08 The war's still going on. It's now down to...
09:10 It's now just under 250, so it's dropped 100 pounds a tonne.
09:14 And you know we've got fertiliser prices that have gone up.
09:18 We paid... How much did we pay for the fertiliser?
09:20 Just over 800 pounds a tonne. Three times more than normal.
09:24 Three times... So that's gone up by three times.
09:27 And wheat prices...
09:29 So, last year, we had low growing costs.
09:33 This year, if we buy the same amount of fertiliser,
09:36 it'll be £100,000 you'd spend on fertiliser alone.
09:39 It's terrible.
09:42 It could be bad if the yields are poor.
09:45 And also, take gas price, fuel price, energy in terms of drying the grain.
09:51 Every way you turn...
09:53 Farming is exposed to energy price.
09:56 Yeah.
10:01 Not knowing what to do about Charlie's grim forecast,
10:05 I went off to see Victor, our Ukrainian bee man.
10:09 All right, Victor. Hello, Jeremy.
10:13 Who was loading up the hives so he could extract the latest batch of honey.
10:18 A lot of dead bees in here.
10:22 Ah, well, unfortunate, isn't it?
10:24 It's like Battle of Donbass.
10:29 How many pounds of honey in there?
10:31 I would say roughly box ten kilos.
10:34 Ten kilos? Yeah, box, about £100.
10:37 That is... Oh, that is all honey. Yeah.
10:43 You can see the bulging on either side of it.
10:46 Yeah. It's just rammed full of honey.
10:50 Shit, we've got lots of honey. Yeah.
10:52 It's the only thing on the farm that's working.
10:55 Literally the only thing that makes money.
10:59 After my Victor chat, I had a thought.
11:03 Diddley Squat is mainly an arable farm,
11:07 but there must be other ways of making money beside the crops.
11:11 So I put my thinking cap on and went for a walk
11:16 with the ever-obedient dogs.
11:19 Heel. Oi!
11:22 Sansa, Aria, heel.
11:24 Aria, heel.
11:27 Oh, shit.
11:31 Sansa, Aria.
11:33 Sansa, Aria. Aria, Sansa.
11:37 There may be a small wait now while they get back,
11:44 having determined they can't catch the deer.
11:47 Bambi, in case you're worried, is completely safe.
11:52 This is what I call the hedge of plenty.
11:55 It's got so much stuff growing in it.
11:58 It runs for half a mile or so.
12:01 It's about 30 feet thick, as you can see here.
12:04 Full of berries.
12:06 Blackberries.
12:08 These are slow berries.
12:10 Slows.
12:12 Elderflower.
12:14 So that's elderflower, slow.
12:18 Roseherbs, blackberries, apples, damsons, plums.
12:23 After a little sit-down with my special thinking juice,
12:30 I started to form a plan.
12:33 I'd just been thinking, this farm is 1,000 acres,
12:38 but I only farm about 500 acres.
12:42 The other 500 are woods and wildflower meadows
12:46 and just stuff.
12:49 But the 500 acres I don't farm are full of berries
12:53 and apples and watercress and wild garlic and deer.
12:59 So I wonder if you could farm the unfarmed.
13:06 I wonder if I could make money
13:09 out of the bit of the farm I'm not farming.
13:15 Council couldn't stop that, could they?
13:18 I mean, they could try, but they wouldn't be able to.
13:21 In my head, this was a good idea.
13:25 But making money from the woods and the meadows and the hedges
13:29 would require a lot of work.
13:32 So I called a meeting with my number two.
13:38 I've got something serious to say to you.
13:42 I've made a big decision.
13:45 You are no longer the tractor driver on this farm.
13:49 What am I, then?
13:52 I've decided I'm going to make you farm manager.
13:57 Really? Yep.
13:59 I want you to run the farming side of it.
14:02 You're fired. What?
14:05 You're fired. I'm the boss.
14:08 I'm the farm manager. You're fired.
14:11 I'm not fired. You are.
14:13 I'm not, because you haven't heard how this is going to work.
14:16 Tell me that, then you're fired.
14:18 Here's how I want it to work.
14:20 I've got to concentrate this year on making money
14:23 out of that bit of the farm which isn't farmed.
14:26 Yes. I mean, you've never even been here. No.
14:29 And then that means I'm not going to have the time
14:33 to really concentrate on this bit of the farm.
14:36 On the arable, yep. So I'm going to put you on the arable.
14:40 And I'm going to concentrate on this.
14:43 And I've just had a thought. Mm-hm.
14:46 Why don't we make it a competition?
14:48 Who in the next 12 months can make the most money?
14:51 Me out of unfarmed land or you out of farmed land? Farmed land.
14:56 I like it.
14:58 So we'll get a whiteboard, we'll put it on the wall
15:01 and then it's Jeremy's profit and costs,
15:04 Caleb's profit and costs. Yep.
15:07 OK? And then it'll run through the year.
15:11 Mm. I think that'll be quite good fun.
15:14 I think it'll be fun as well and I'm going to win, so it's fine.
15:17 You aren't going to win. I'm going to win this competition.
15:21 Right, get out and get back on your tractor and go manage the farm.
15:25 I don't need to now. I'm going to go and have a nice walk round,
15:28 ana...analysise the soil.
15:30 Analysise? Hm.
15:32 That's a word, innit? Analysise. No.
15:35 Analysise it is.
15:37 Analyse. Analyse.
15:39 To get my farming the unfarmed project off the ground,
15:46 I did some research and discovered that my local supermarket
15:51 was charging 6p a blackberry.
15:54 Which meant my hedgerows were fruity gold mines.
16:00 Look, 6p, 12, 24, there's 50p there,
16:06 another 50p there, there, there, pound there.
16:11 There's 30 quid in this one bush alone. Easy.
16:14 In order to maximise profits, though,
16:18 I'd need to harvest them as cheaply as possible.
16:21 So, rather craftily, I asked if I could borrow a blackberry-picking machine
16:27 to see if I liked it.
16:30 Shit. It's a bit bigger than I was expecting, mate.
16:34 How are you?
16:36 Yes, I'm good.
16:38 We've got the grain wagon. I'll just back him up.
16:41 And if you could pull over to the right...
16:43 Is that all right, if you pull over to the right?
16:45 Sorry, mate, do you mind backing up so that that wagon can get through
16:49 and go over there? Is that all right? Cheers, mate, thanks.
16:52 I'm a car park attendant, that's what I've become now.
16:57 What are you doing?
16:59 I'm loading a lorry.
17:03 Yeah, well, it's in the way.
17:05 Your farming is in the way of my farming.
17:09 No, your farming's getting in the way of my farming.
17:11 It isn't, I just need to get this in.
17:13 Look at that. You don't even know what it is, do you?
17:16 No. What are you doing? Blackberry-picking.
17:18 Why don't you load the wagon up, then come and see real farming happening.
17:22 Real farming, my arse.
17:24 Right. Let my blackberry farming begin.
17:29 OK, the first thing I've realised is that my trailer is 25 yards wide.
17:41 If I meet a bus coming the other way,
17:44 the bus driver is going to be going home with a blackberry-picking machine
17:49 fastened to his back.
17:51 He's going to be going home with a blackberry-picking machine
17:55 fastened to his face like a moustache.
17:58 As you can probably see, the blackberry-picking machine is like an arch.
18:10 So I'm going to try and harvest that hedge to start with.
18:14 So I've got to get my blackberry-picking machine
18:17 to straddle this wall, first of all.
18:21 This, inevitably, was easier said than done.
18:26 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
18:29 No, no, no, shit!
18:32 How on earth am I going to do this?
18:35 Ah!
18:39 No. Um...
18:45 Well, it's just not possible, is it?
18:48 There was nothing for it.
18:51 I had to ask my business rival for help.
18:54 Right, you see that? Yeah.
18:57 It's an arch. Yeah.
18:59 We have to get that arch to straddle this wall,
19:03 because we've got to go all the way down this wall
19:07 to get to where the blackberries are.
19:09 OK. I can do it.
19:11 Well, you can't.
19:13 Come on, Caleb.
19:17 (ENGINE WHIRRS)
19:19 (LAUGHS)
19:26 Right, we're on. The hook's on.
19:29 I'm going to go in as straight as I can.
19:33 Oh, there's a lot of fence.
19:40 We're knocking all these fence posts off.
19:46 The whole wall is moving.
19:48 We're going to be harvesting a wall if you're not careful here.
19:52 These blackberries better be profitable.
19:55 Oh, look at that! It's just blown the whole wall right out.
20:01 Oh, shit.
20:04 Shit!
20:06 How much further until we get to what could actually be called...
20:10 Wait, this wall doesn't fucking stop.
20:12 What?
20:14 This wall does not stop.
20:17 Oh, shit.
20:25 Shit.
20:27 You're going to have to back up. I can't.
20:29 Well, you can't go forwards, cos we now can't see it.
20:32 We're fucked, aren't we?
20:41 Christ, look what we've done.
20:44 What we'd done was harvest no blackberries at all
20:48 and create a week's work for Gerald,
20:51 who wouldn't be able to do it because he'd phoned that morning
20:54 to say he wasn't feeling very well.
20:57 You're all right. Stay where you are. That's it. Stay straight.
21:00 And rather embarrassingly, when the people came to collect
21:03 the precious demonstrator they'd lent me,
21:06 we had to lift it off the wall using two telehandlers.
21:11 Oh, my God.
21:13 That's... More fence...
21:15 That's the fence now broken again.
21:18 Oh, look at the concrete. No, whoa, whoa, whoa.
21:22 Jesus.
21:29 Here you are. Here's your machine.
21:35 Clearly, I now needed to think of a new way to harvest my blackberries.
21:40 But first, it was my turn to help Caleb.
21:44 Whoa. It's Caleb's new muck spreader.
21:48 Because it was time to scoop up the muck our recently departed cows
21:53 had produced over the last 11 months.
21:56 Oh, yes.
21:58 That is pungent. That's good stuff.
22:01 So, how much do you reckon there is here?
22:03 I reckon we've got about 200,000 pounds of muck.
22:06 - So, how much do you reckon there is here? - I reckon we've got about 200 tonnes here.
22:10 - 200 tonnes of faeces? - Yeah.
22:12 Feel that? Feel how hot it is?
22:17 Feel the heat? You feel it?
22:19 Ooh.
22:21 - Why is it so hot? - When it's fermented...
22:24 - Oh. - It just gets hot in the middle and comes out.
22:26 - So, that's really hot in the middle? - Yeah, that'll be...
22:28 When you start bucketing that, it's going to be boiling.
22:30 Start loading up, yeah?
22:33 (ENGINE REVS)
22:35 One bucket weighs one tonne.
22:45 If that was artificial chemical fertiliser,
22:50 that would have cost me £1,000.
22:52 The weigh scales, that was actually 1.6 tonne, actually.
22:56 You've got weigh scales in your new muck spreader?
22:59 It's the weigh forward. You can actually tell how much muck is going on in your fields.
23:02 That's what we need to know. The fertiliser price is so high.
23:05 - You've been to much full now. - Yeah.
23:12 And then that just flings it out over the field, does it?
23:15 Let's put it this way. I had a stone the other day go out 48 metres.
23:21 48 metres out of the back?
23:26 48 metres out the back of this spreader, through a window,
23:29 through a blind, hit a chair and hit a fridge.
23:32 - Where? In Chadlington? - Yeah.
23:34 On Simon's Field in the middle of Chadlington.
23:36 It hit the top of the chair and ripped all the leather off it.
23:39 So, don't go behind your muck spreader, then?
23:42 I then got a first-hand demonstration of the muck spreader's gattling gun power
23:51 as Caleb's brother fertilised the field.
23:54 Jesus. I didn't use that. The army should use that.
23:58 You'd ridden a lot of water then, wouldn't you?
24:00 If you loaded that up with gravel and then drove through a war zone...
24:04 - Yeah, you would literally... - ..you'd probably get people to duck.
24:08 I was extremely happy to be using free fertiliser,
24:13 but we only had enough to cover 25 acres.
24:17 So it was up to farm manager Caleb to decide how many chemicals he'd need
24:22 to fill in the gaps.
24:24 He therefore invited Charlie over to his new office.
24:29 - So I've just been working this out. - What's this?
24:37 - The cropping. - I've done that.
24:39 Yeah, but I'm doing it, cos I'm farm manager.
24:42 Well... OK.
24:45 Well, what's your plan?
24:47 So, I think wheat down the right-hand side of the farm,
24:50 which I call the right-hand side, which is obviously big ground, banks, airfield.
24:54 - The eastern side. - Yeah. Or that side, yeah.
24:57 - The eastern side. - Yeah, OK. Right-hand side.
25:00 And then the spring wheat in basically the middle end of the farm.
25:03 - OK. - Yeah.
25:05 And you said... Did you say 100,000 pounds of a fertiliser?
25:09 - Roughly. - I think I can get it down to about 78,000 pounds.
25:14 We've got the chicken muck, we've got the cow muck.
25:16 OK. So you're hoping that that cuts the amount of artificial nitrogen?
25:20 - Yeah. - Just don't be short on nitrogen.
25:22 And don't cut corners unnecessarily.
25:25 Because the risk's gone through the roof.
25:27 Cos you've got higher growing costs, you've got higher pricing.
25:30 We need the output to maximise our income.
25:33 Because that'll make... That'll give you your profit at the end of the day.
25:37 - I think we can save 22,000 pounds. - Well, let's hope it works.
25:40 - This farm competition... - Oh, yeah.
25:44 Are you OK with it? I mean, the man can hardly farm the farmed.
25:48 Let alone farm the unfarmed.
25:50 God knows what he's going to... God knows his ideas.
25:54 As they discussed this, I was busy in the barn,
26:03 working on another blackberry harvesting solution.
26:07 And I must say, I was rather pleased with it.
26:12 (CLICKING)
26:14 And now we move to the other side of the vehicle,
26:23 where we find the vacuum cleaner.
26:27 Simply apply the vacuum cleaner to the blackberry.
26:31 Yes! Who knew?
26:36 I've done a thing that works!
26:39 I'm harvesting a bush, and it's only pulling off the black ones.
26:43 It's not pulling off the unripe red ones.
26:46 We're not using CGI here. This is real.
26:49 Aha!
26:53 I don't know what sort of vacuum cleaner this is. I'm not an expert.
26:56 But they're marketing it all wrong. Look at that.
26:59 Five minutes and no red ones.
27:02 Staggered! (LAUGHS)
27:06 Once I'd harvested the hedge,
27:10 I headed to the farm kitchen,
27:13 leaf through Mrs Beaton's old cookery book...
27:16 Blackberries, lemon juice, sugar.
27:20 ..and then started to make some diddly squat blackberry jam.
27:25 Ooh! Bloody hell!
27:32 So all I have to do is add the jam sugar,
27:36 add the lemon juice, bubble them away for half an hour or so,
27:40 cool it, sell it. One hour's work.
27:44 Now to harvest them. Two hours' work.
27:47 This is pure profit.
27:49 Hello. What are you doing?
27:54 Making jam, dear boy, making jam. This is new farming.
27:58 Given that we weren't dealing with cows or crops,
28:02 I assumed there'd be no opportunity for finger-wagging.
28:06 So, clearly blackberries. Yeah.
28:10 How much is in there? Well, that many.
28:13 No, but how many? I don't know.
28:15 You've got to measure it. You can't just chuck it all in.
28:18 Presumably you're going to sell the jam. Yeah.
28:21 Have you done your food hygiene test?
28:24 No. What are you doing?
28:26 No. What pH is it?
28:29 Does it contain any allergens? You'll have to put...
28:32 Well, what if someone's allergic to blackberries?
28:35 You'll have to put on there.
28:37 May contain blackberries in this blackberry...
28:39 Is it just blackberries? No, lemon juice.
28:42 But, look, you'll have to list what's on here.
28:44 Look, it's got potassium metabisulfite in it.
28:47 So you've got to list...
28:49 So on my jam, I've got to write,
28:51 "May contain traces of potassium metabisulfite."
28:54 It's not very good marketing.
28:56 OK, well, you're making jam or preserve or conserve.
28:59 What's the difference?
29:02 So, OK, there is a difference,
29:05 and it's all to do with sugar content.
29:07 You know on the side of a jam thing it says,
29:10 "This was made with X amount of fruit"?
29:13 So, like, 50 grams of fruit made 100 grams of jam.
29:16 I don't know what you're talking about.
29:19 What does Mrs Beazley-Shields say?
29:21 That you've got to have a specific amount of sugar to make it jam?
29:26 No, she doesn't.
29:28 Three pounds to three pounds?
29:32 Well, I'll put three pounds of sugar in then.
29:34 But fine, but how many blackberries have you got?
29:36 I don't know.
29:38 So basically, you can't use that.
29:40 What? Well, you haven't weighed it.
29:42 You need to know... You mean I can't use it?
29:44 You'll need to start again.
29:48 I wasn't the only one being bashed on the rocks
29:51 by Charlie's waves of negativity.
29:54 Because on the other side of the farm,
29:56 Caleb was also getting a drubbing over his plans
29:59 to plant oilseed rape.
30:01 I have your new cropping plan.
30:07 All right, brilliant.
30:09 You've still got rape? Yeah.
30:11 Why?
30:13 I think it's a risk. It is a risk.
30:16 When did it last rain? I can't remember.
30:18 Like, April. There's no moisture, the ground's hard,
30:20 we're going to have flea beetle pressure.
30:22 I don't know when it's going to rain.
30:24 But I think it's a risk we've got to take.
30:26 How many farmers this year have not grown rape because of the weather?
30:30 OK, quite a lot. A lot, yes.
30:33 So therefore, the price, if it's 5.75 at the moment,
30:36 in a year's time, when there's, say, a shortage of rape
30:39 because of the reason of no farmers are growing it,
30:41 because of the weather, yeah, that price could increase.
30:45 If this pulls off, if, or it fails...
30:49 ..I am willing to risk planting oilseed rape this year.
30:57 As farm manager.
30:59 Are you chasing the bottom line of the farm,
31:03 or are you just trying to chase Jeremy,
31:05 because he's got a good head start?
31:07 The farm. And Jeremy.
31:10 Just, I said, focus on the...
31:12 I am, I am. OK. I am.
31:15 Be fine.
31:17 I agreed with Charlie that rape was a bad idea,
31:23 but there was no time to discuss this,
31:25 because I needed to hoover up more blackberries for my jam.
31:29 If we weigh this, we'll know how much fruit goes in each jar.
31:34 How do you know you're going to fill them the same level each time?
31:37 Listen, we're not buying cocaine.
31:39 It's not like you say two grams of 20 is a big difference.
31:42 I'll go with your logic. Right.
31:45 That jar with the lead weighs 228 grams.
31:51 Yeah.
31:52 With the fruit in, that's 443 grams.
31:59 It's a 215. Is that the difference? Yeah.
32:01 So we know that in each jar there will be 215 grams of fruit.
32:07 Yes? Yeah. If I wash this, you'll like to use it again, won't it?
32:11 Yeah, that's the whole point of glass jars, Jeremy.
32:14 Yes, exactly.
32:16 Do I have to sterilise it?
32:18 Yes, you do have to sterilise it. We've been through that.
32:21 Put it in a warm oven for ten minutes.
32:23 Lead and jar sterilising.
32:26 No, no.
32:33 Oh, no.
32:35 Well, there's just nothing there.
32:42 No. The oven's here.
32:44 Oh, right. What's this, then?
32:46 Despite these minor setbacks, a couple of days later,
32:54 my jam was ready to go on sale.
32:57 There's all those.
32:59 All these.
33:01 It cost nothing to plant the blackberries.
33:04 I didn't have to fertilise them, I didn't have to do anything.
33:08 Eat your heart out, Caleb.
33:10 Look what I have got for you.
33:17 No way. Yes way.
33:20 How much can we sell it for? What would you like to charge?
33:23 Well, it costs £1.49 to make.
33:26 £0.60 for the jar, £0.47 for the label and £0.42 for the sugar in each one.
33:32 I think £3.60 is a reasonable amount.
33:35 I mean, I can sell it for £4.80.
33:37 It's £3.60. I'm not having any of your, "Oh, we can get away with charging more."
33:41 £3.60.
33:43 As good as it was to see my jam on the shelves,
33:49 I knew that my current sources of income from farming the unfarmed
33:53 would soon dry up.
33:56 Autumn was now upon us,
33:59 which meant the bees would knock off for the year
34:02 and the hedgers would become bereft of fruit.
34:06 However, I'd had another money-making brainwave
34:10 and I couldn't wait to tell Charlie all about it.
34:14 I've got a new thing.
34:18 Pigs.
34:20 Pigs?
34:22 Pigs.
34:24 And there's method in my madness.
34:27 This is the Prime Minister speaking.
34:30 Ready?
34:32 In a fortnight, I'm going to Paris for the world's largest food trade fair
34:37 and I will be bigging up British products.
34:40 In December, I'll be in Beijing, opening up new pork markets.
34:46 And she paused there for applause, but didn't come.
34:51 But I was paying attention.
34:53 So she's opening up new pork markets.
34:55 And this is a woman who's... She's the Prime Minister now.
34:58 Thousands and thousands of Conservative Party members have looked at her
35:01 and said she's wise, she's on it, she's bright, she's the right choice.
35:05 So she thinks there's going to be a burgeoning pork market in China.
35:09 Hmm?
35:11 So do you want to breed pigs?
35:14 Yes, because then you get piglets.
35:16 It'd be fun to have little piglets running around.
35:19 Won't it?
35:20 It would be much easier from a management point of view
35:23 to just buy piglets in, fatten those up,
35:26 and then kill them to sell in the farm shop.
35:28 But then you'd have to buy more. Why don't you just get them breeding?
35:31 As soon as you've got a breeding pig, it's a 365 thing.
35:35 Somebody's got to be here every single day,
35:37 watering, feeding, moving, checking the welfare.
35:40 I cannot believe pigs are complicated.
35:43 So you have the babies, chop them up, sell them in the shop, sausages.
35:47 You get so much from a pig.
35:49 But I just...
35:51 You've jumped from pigs to the farm shop
35:55 without, I think, full consideration of the production bit.
35:59 Liz Trust says I can sell them in Beijing.
36:01 I don't want you to sell them in Beijing.
36:03 I would rather you sell them at the farm shop.
36:05 I'm going to sell them in there. Who's going to look after them?
36:08 Me. Every day?
36:10 Yes. I'm here every day.
36:12 When you're not here? Caleb.
36:14 Has he got enough time? Yes.
36:16 Where are they going to live?
36:18 Because Caleb can't get the potatoes up,
36:20 they go up into where the potatoes are.
36:23 Fine. We fence that bit off.
36:26 They go in there.
36:28 They'll eat all the potatoes, so we get value from the potatoes.
36:31 But they won't be there forever.
36:33 No. Woods. They're going to be woodland pigs.
36:36 I can put them in the woods.
36:38 I've got that competition going with Caleb.
36:40 I told him I could generate money from the woods.
36:44 If I put pigs, once they've eaten all the potatoes,
36:47 I can tell that he's failed to get up.
36:49 They live in the woods, snouting around in the woods,
36:52 and I'm making money from my side of the enterprise
36:55 because they can truffle about,
36:57 and they just turn over the soil looking for acorns and things.
37:00 In an idyllic sort of Winnie-the-Pooh world,
37:04 they're foragers, but they're more like a JCB, they're earthmovers.
37:08 So you will regenerate the woods into a sort of stock car track.
37:13 You'll have the local kids in there with their BMXs
37:16 driving around these massive earthworks that they've created.
37:19 You'll need... This is your most negative yet.
37:22 I'm just concerned about the production of piglets.
37:26 The idyllic nature of it, in your mind.
37:28 I want to get hundreds of them in the woods,
37:31 rootling around, clearing away the thorns.
37:33 I know. I... Look...
37:35 Actually, I'm going to get on it now. I'm on it.
37:37 I'm going to find a pig farm and I'm going to get some pigs.
37:40 Piggly squat pork.
37:42 Come on!
37:44 Yes!
37:46 As I set to work, with no help from Charlie,
37:54 Caleb took the Lambo in for a much-needed service...
37:58 ..and then used his own toy tractor to work the fields,
38:05 whose walls were now looking a bit tired as Gerald was still feeling poorly.
38:12 Then it was time for Caleb and I to have a serious chat
38:16 about how our competition was going.
38:19 It just... It looks horrible.
38:23 Damsons in vodka leave for a couple of months and then sell that.
38:29 And we can make our own vodka, according to these sweet little potatoes.
38:32 How much money? There... How much money's worth of that?
38:35 A few 400 quid.
38:37 This is the future of farming. It's not the future.
38:40 That's going to get someone drunk for one night.
38:43 You think one person could drink all that?
38:45 I think you could drink all of that.
38:47 We then discussed the bill for servicing the Lambo.
38:52 What is it? Well, it's a lot of stuff.
38:56 Yeah, I mean, it's buggered. Also, it's not buggered!
38:59 It is buggered. It's time to get a new one.
39:01 Just get a new one. What's the total?
39:03 Can you add these up?
39:05 3,259, 1,543.
39:09 99 plus 410.
39:13 How much is that?
39:15 5,300 pounds.
39:17 That's a lot of money. It's a lot, but I mean, I'll get three or four years...
39:21 I mean, take that off your margins, because...
39:23 Not my margins. It's your farm.
39:26 Well, you're doing the agricultural bit, which is coming off yours.
39:29 I want to sell it. You're not going to sell it. It's my tractor.
39:32 Anyway, listen, we're going to have a chart of who's doing best.
39:35 Pen.
39:37 So this is spent and made.
39:40 Jam, 230 pounds.
39:44 Yes? 230 pounds profit.
39:47 Once I'd taken the cost of the jars off and everything else, right?
39:50 Mm-hm.
39:52 You spent 78,000 pounds on fertilizer.
39:55 Made nothing.
39:58 So that's where we are at the moment.
40:01 I'm 230 pounds up. You're minus 78,000 pounds.
40:05 And how much have you spent on seed?
40:07 2,500 on the rape.
40:09 So rape, which I told you not to drill, which you did.
40:12 2,500.
40:14 Wheat?
40:16 6,000. 6,000 pounds.
40:18 Chemicals? 1,500.
40:21 Diesel? 2,000 pounds.
40:23 2,000 in diesel.
40:25 I don't like this game.
40:27 Just tractor service. You broke that, though.
40:30 So you're now at 78, 8,000...
40:33 80, 86, 87, 89, 94...
40:38 minus 95,400 pounds.
40:43 And I'm plus 230 pounds.
40:48 So I'm 95,630 pounds ahead of you.
40:53 I haven't owed my honey 8,000 pounds.
40:58 What?
41:00 Profitable item.
41:02 So I'm actually 8,230 pounds up,
41:06 which proves my idea of farming unfarmed land is working well.
41:13 Given that Caleb's side of the board
41:21 looked like Boris Becker's bank statement,
41:24 I decided to fire up my newly serviced tractor
41:29 and help him out with some topping work in the fields.
41:33 Caleb's out in his old Lamborghini today,
41:37 so we've got a brace of Lamborghinis on the job.
41:40 Job for Gerald there, look.
41:44 Broken wall.
41:46 Lovely badges.
41:48 What was it like to have your tractor back then?
41:52 It's so nice, and it stops when I want it to.
41:56 Brakes are good, power's good, comfort's good,
42:01 air conditioning's working.
42:03 [PHONE RINGS]
42:08 Hello?
42:10 Yeah.
42:15 Hi, how's things?
42:18 Oh, no.
42:25 [WIND BLOWING]
42:29 Right, yeah.
42:38 Is there anything you want?
42:40 Right, OK, I'll see you later on, OK?
42:45 All right, take care.
42:52 [SIGHS] Gerald's got cancer.
42:55 Oh, shit.
42:58 [WIND BLOWING]
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