Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 02- Porking - novahub
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 02- Porking
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00:00MUSIC
00:21Gerald had been diagnosed with prostate cancer.
00:24Something that Caleb and I discussed
00:27while trying to do what our absent friend normally does.
00:32Bollocks.
00:34No.
00:36No.
00:38Cleo, it's bloody complicated. Yeah.
00:41I've been phoning round doctors and things I know. Yeah.
00:45And his odds are really good.
00:48But it's scaring him to death. Yeah.
00:51He doesn't understand, you know, that.
00:53No, I know he doesn't understand.
00:55And he's bewildered because, for obvious reasons,
00:58somebody said, look, I'm sorry, it's cancer.
01:01That's all he heard. Yeah.
01:03He's desperately upset.
01:05Terrified, poor man.
01:07He's a strong man, isn't he?
01:09I mean, he's worked the land all of his life.
01:11He's not unfit, is he?
01:13You know, he could do a day's work at this...
01:15He's 74.
01:17He's amazing.
01:19He's amazing.
01:41We were now heading into late autumn.
01:45And on Caleb's side of the farm in one of the arable fields,
01:49things were not going well.
01:53So Jeremy and Charlie said it was too late to plant oilseed rape.
01:57I took the decision as farm manager now to plant it myself
02:01and, unfortunately, it's failed.
02:07Fucking annoying.
02:10And when Caleb came over to see me,
02:13he became even more annoyed.
02:20Who the fuck is that?
02:22Well, now it's interesting you should ask that
02:24because it's actually half of Groove Armada.
02:30Who? Half of Groove... He was in Groove Armada.
02:33I don't know who that is. Why is he drilling my field?
02:36Er...
02:39The thing is that fellow Doncaster boy Andy Cato
02:43no longer does this for a living.
02:55Like me, he's now moved into farming.
02:58And a couple of weeks earlier,
03:00he and his business partner George Lamb
03:04had dropped round to talk about their big idea.
03:09I know it's called regenerative farming, isn't it?
03:12But I'd really like to understand what it is.
03:15Basically, our current farming system declares war on natural systems
03:19and it's got us in a bit of a fix.
03:22Our soils have been pounded and poisoned to a point
03:25where they're within, you know, a few decades of giving up.
03:28We've lost 80% of our insects, so we can't keep doing that.
03:32And regenerative farming is a way of farming
03:35which tries to copy natural systems.
03:37But it's not organic. No.
03:39Inorganic, the main thing is about not using any chemicals.
03:44Where we're different is we're about assessing each bit of farmland
03:49and trying to figure out what it needs.
03:52So if we went and we took the plant and we took a reading from it
03:55and it told us that you were missing a boron or magnesium
03:59or something specific, we can feed according to need.
04:04Rather than going and just dumping thousands of kilos onto the field...
04:08That's what we do.
04:10We just literally fill the sprayer up with gallons and gallons of chemicals
04:15and just go out and do every field.
04:17Andy then explained that the goal with regenerative farming
04:21was to copy the way nature likes to mix things up.
04:25One thing you'll never find in the woods or even along a hedgerow
04:29or any natural system is one type of plant.
04:32Nature never allows one type of plant to grow in a big area.
04:36If you look in a droughty year like this year,
04:39all the bits that stood up to it are the hedgerows and the woodlands
04:42and the bits that we haven't touched.
04:44You mean the bits that have stayed green?
04:46Yeah.
04:48And the thing is, as the hedgerow or the woodland or the meadowland prove,
04:52when that's working, you don't need to put anything on it
04:55because nature's got it sorted.
04:57So what we've got to get away from is monocultures.
05:03You're suggesting planting wheat and something else
05:06in the same field at the same time?
05:08Absolutely.
05:10So the idea of wheat and beans is a good starting point.
05:13In the same field? In the same field.
05:15There's two things happening there.
05:17One is the nitrogen from the atmosphere
05:20of which there's an infinite abundance of overheads.
05:2380% of it, isn't it?
05:25Well, the beans are taking that down and putting it in the soil
05:28where we need it to replace fertiliser inputs.
05:31The beans are? The beans are.
05:33Cos they're great nitrogen fixers.
05:35And so by putting two plant families in the same field,
05:39we're starting that process of feeding the soil microbes,
05:43which we need to help recover, with a diversity of plants.
05:47But obviously your yields are going to be weighed out.
05:50You're not going to grow as many beans as if you just had a bean field
05:53or as much wheat as if you just had a wheat field, surely?
05:56Here's the thing.
05:57The overall output from that field will be higher.
06:01Really? Yeah.
06:03I know what you mean, net margin-wise, at the bottom line.
06:07Yes, overall you might do less yield in actual weight with us,
06:11but if you take all those input costs out,
06:13for example, the chemical prices are going up and up and up,
06:16your margin is higher.
06:18Plus, you're also building health into your soil,
06:21which means you're going to farm indefinitely.
06:23If you carry on using the same extractive system,
06:26which is all based on chemicals,
06:28the likelihood is in a couple of generations' time
06:31you're not going to be able to produce food on your farm.
06:34So if we started to think, not in terms of yield,
06:36like the weight of the crop we get out of the field,
06:39but in how much money,
06:40because we only ever talk about we've got so many tonnes per acre.
06:45If we start to talk about how many pounds,
06:47shillings and pence per acre...
06:49What was...? Yeah.
06:50I mean, I like the sound of this.
06:52Because you're not having to give Mr CF Industries
06:55£100,000 for your fertiliser.
06:57Exactly.
06:58Then came the really enticing bit.
07:01Andy and George would guarantee to buy any crops we grew
07:05using their method for a premium price.
07:09Do you buy it?
07:11We buy it off you.
07:12Ah, right, OK.
07:13That's even better.
07:14You buy it for more than I would get
07:16from an ordinary grain merchant or...?
07:18Yeah, for sure.
07:19And then who do you sell it to?
07:20As of today, we're about 250 regular customers,
07:23and that spreads from everything from small artisan bakeries
07:26right through to Marks & Spencer's.
07:28Marks & Spencer's? Marks & Spencer's.
07:30Marks & Spencer's.
07:31So your flower that you sell us can be going into M&S.
07:37Charlie and I were sold.
07:40So I'd handed over one of the fields to Andy...
07:45..to see if his new soil-friendly system would work.
07:51And now I just had to hope that Caleb wouldn't mind.
07:57That's pissing me off, seeing him in there.
08:00No, you don't know what he's drilling yet.
08:02He's got wheat and beans.
08:03Is he a beanbag?
08:04Yeah, he's got wheat and beans in his hopper.
08:07It's my field, though.
08:09I've drilled this field for the last six years now.
08:12You won't have to this year, cos he's doing it.
08:15He's putting it in with a disc drill.
08:17It's not going to work, either.
08:19Why not?
08:20Look out there. What did you see?
08:23Mud.
08:24No, the other thing with the mud.
08:26Stones. Yes.
08:27Do you know how a disc drill works?
08:29We've got a time drill for that reason.
08:31It moves the stone out of the way, then plants the seed.
08:34You put a disc drill over that, that will go over the stone
08:37and plant the seed on top of the stone.
08:40Will it? Yes.
08:43He's probably on, I don't know, boys' land or something.
08:46This is man's land.
08:47I then put on my Boutros Boutros hat
08:50because it was time for the two of them to meet.
08:54Be nice. Don't be petulant like a child.
08:59Andy, Caleb.
09:01How you doing? Caleb, Andy.
09:03He's thrilled.
09:05He's absolutely thrilled.
09:06Looking pretty thrilled, yeah.
09:08No, cos, well, oh, here's somebody else.
09:11All right. Have you been planting with a trowel?
09:13I've been scratching around like a chicken.
09:15Yeah.
09:16So the first thing he says is you're using a disc drill,
09:20which won't work in that field.
09:22There's a lot of stone.
09:23There's a lot of stone.
09:24Do you think it'll work?
09:25I'm with you with the stones.
09:27The thing with this drill is that it's set up
09:29to sow two things at the same time
09:31and put a bit of probiotic liquid down with the seed at the same time.
09:34So if we can get through the stones, we can get the job done.
09:38What's the liquid for, then? Fertiliser?
09:40No, it's like, because we're trying to, in this field,
09:43we're going to try and bring the soil back to life
09:45and get all the things...
09:46That's a life. It is a life.
09:47You're telling me, if I farm that bit there
09:49and you rip this bit up and put your...
09:51whatever you're doing in here,
09:53you'll get a better yield than I would?
09:55No, no, no.
09:56OK, would you make more money than I would?
09:58Let's go back a step, because if...
10:01I'm talking to the sun.
10:02What's that?
10:05If...
10:06My neck.
10:07Do you want me to come down the downslope?
10:09Yeah, that's all right.
10:10Yeah, that'd be better, yeah.
10:11That's better.
10:12So what are you putting... You're planting wheat...
10:15And beans.
10:16How do you...
10:17How do you harvest it and not lose anything out the back?
10:20You just set it so you're not losing anything out the back.
10:22Then it'll go to a grain cleaner and we'll split the beans out.
10:25Which costs more money as well.
10:26But you don't have to take care of that,
10:28because part of the deal is
10:30that we'll just take the wheat and beans together
10:32and we'll sort it all out.
10:33They do that.
10:34We sell it to you, then?
10:35Yeah.
10:36And they pay a premium.
10:37All right.
10:40Next question, then.
10:41Were you in a band?
10:42I was in a band.
10:43I can tell.
10:44Because?
10:45Because you've left your tractor running at a pound a litre.
10:58It was now late November
11:01and I had my head buried in my latest homework.
11:06Yorkshire pigs.
11:08Who were you looking at?
11:10Because despite Charlie's protests,
11:13I bought some pigs and their arrival was only days away.
11:22As a result, I had to get three big pens built in the potato field.
11:28This would be a lot of work and I really needed some expert help.
11:35Caleb is ill.
11:37OK.
11:39First rule.
11:40I would have thought of farming.
11:42You go to work.
11:43The end.
11:44There's a really bad cold going round.
11:46A cold? It's a cold!
11:47It's horrible.
11:48Fetuses, honestly.
11:50Could you grab the telehandler, since it's an emergency?
11:58Look at this.
11:59This is the diddly-squat heavy machinery unit
12:02swinging into action here.
12:09Oh, bloody hell.
12:11Wind!
12:14No!
12:15I've got my own sail.
12:19So, have you heard what pigs I'm getting?
12:21No.
12:22They're called Shandian Blacks.
12:24No.
12:25And they are from...
12:26See the forest over there?
12:28Yeah.
12:29That's where they're from, the forest of Witchwood.
12:31You're kidding!
12:32No.
12:33A few years ago,
12:34there was only one
12:37man-pig left.
12:39Four?
12:40Yeah, only one left in the whole world.
12:42No way!
12:43Yeah, and it was rescued by a farm in Deane,
12:45and they're bringing it back.
12:47So I've decided to get Shandian Blacks.
12:49It sounds like a sort of thing a northern woman
12:51would drink in a pub on a Friday night.
12:5383 metres.
12:54There.
12:55So this is the other corner.
12:56Here we go.
12:59Look, a farmer!
13:00At work, possibly with a light cold,
13:03mild flu,
13:04but able to go to work.
13:08Having measured out the pens,
13:10our next job was to install the fences
13:12using a post knocker I'd nicked from Caleb's yard.
13:17Right.
13:18So what we need to do is get that pin...
13:21In the middle.
13:22..into there.
13:23OK.
13:25Ooh, wow.
13:26Are we happy?
13:27Yep.
13:29Oh, nice.
13:31Can you imagine putting someone's head there?
13:34Gone.
13:35Gangs of London.
13:36Gangs of London.
13:37This would be a great one.
13:38We should do Gangs of Tipping North.
13:40Put people's heads on it.
13:43Shall I put these every three metres?
13:45Yeah.
13:52It really is raining now,
13:54and officially night.
13:58I've done the maths.
13:59Yep.
14:00And we're going to have to put in 75 fence posts
14:02before we start putting the actual fencing up, yeah?
14:05We're not quick, but it is our first day.
14:08Yeah.
14:09And I think we can be proud of ourselves.
14:18Right, we've got to thread this through here.
14:21Yeah.
14:25Ooh, that was juicy.
14:28Right, now, here we go.
14:30When I drive forwards, it's going to tension it.
14:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
14:45Jeremy!
14:46Whoa, whoa, whoa!
14:47You pulled it over.
14:49What?!
14:50I was screaming at you and you can't hear!
14:53What have I pulled over?
14:54You pulled the last post over.
14:57Aegis.
15:01Fucking ripped the whole thing up.
15:06You were meant to be looking at me.
15:08We could have spoken on the phone.
15:10No, it's not that.
15:11I was trying to make sure that, you know,
15:12the thing wasn't bobbling at the front.
15:14We blame each other.
15:15We're going to have to put the corner post in a different...
15:17How are we going to...?
15:18Wait, this is more of a problem.
15:20No, stop just for a second.
15:21The corner post has to go there,
15:23to be in line with that and in line with this.
15:25And we've loosened the ground up, haven't we?
15:27We have.
15:29Yeah, we have.
15:32When the fences were all up,
15:34we quickly discovered we'd given ourselves a problem.
15:39Hang on, let's think about this.
15:41Have you opened that one?
15:45Yep.
15:47Right, so we have to open this one first.
15:50Or we have to take this one off, do we?
15:52Well, if we open this one first...
15:55No, it's...
15:56We fucked up.
15:57I know we did.
15:58That pen should have been...
15:59So take that off.
16:00Yes.
16:02Despite the setbacks, though,
16:04we managed, without Caleb or Charlie,
16:07to finish the pens.
16:09And then we had to start work on the pig houses,
16:13which came with my least favourite thing,
16:16an instruction manual.
16:19From this to this in 30...
16:20Fuck off, 30 minutes, my arse.
16:22Look at...
16:23That goes on there, like that, yeah?
16:25Oh, yeah, OK.
16:26This is like IKEA, but for pigs.
16:29Yeah?
16:30Uh-huh.
16:31Yeah.
16:32Is that on the...
16:33Is that on the...
16:34Where it's painted?
16:36OK.
16:37Perfect.
16:38Um...
16:40Oh, for fuck's sake.
16:42What?
16:43There's no door.
16:44We're supposed to use that.
16:45Oh, those go there.
16:48Jesus.
16:49OK.
16:50Well, I just picked up the newest bit of wood.
16:52I didn't realise you needed a door, but...
16:54Oh, of course.
16:55We've got to swivel it around, haven't we?
16:57Yeah.
16:58We've now been exactly half an hour.
17:00Right.
17:01Sansa, Aria!
17:03Oh, I'm going backwards.
17:05Sansa!
17:06Aria!
17:07Come here.
17:08Sansa!
17:09Aria!
17:10Dogs!
17:13Oh, they're here.
17:15Sit.
17:17Sit.
17:19Aria, sit.
17:22Sit.
17:23Sit.
17:25Sit.
17:26Oh, God.
17:27Right, look.
17:28Well, it's firm-ish.
17:29That's good.
17:30Let's get one.
17:31Next one.
17:39I can't remember how many days it's taken us
17:41to build this pig migration centre,
17:44but we have pretty much done it.
17:48Yep.
17:50Perfect.
17:53Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
17:56I am actually feeling really rather pleased with that.
17:59If there's any pig farmers watching who want to write in,
18:03do mark your envelope.
18:05Yeah, we were impressed as well.
18:09Diddley Squat Farm, Chipping Norton, Oxfordshire.
18:14But, despite our best efforts,
18:17the pig hotel wasn't quite finished
18:20by the time our guests arrived.
18:24I'm Jeremy.
18:25Hello, Jeremy.
18:26How are you?
18:27This is Lisa.
18:28Hello.
18:29Hello there.
18:30How are you?
18:31Nice to meet you.
18:32Nice to meet you too.
18:33Hi there.
18:34Hi, I'm Peter.
18:35Nice to meet you.
18:36Hi, Josh.
18:37Nice to meet you.
18:38Hi, Josh.
18:39How are you?
18:40What have we got here?
18:41Proper pig boards.
18:42What are they for?
18:43Steer the pigs in the paddocks so they don't run that way.
18:45Oh, they use the board.
18:46Oh, I see.
18:47Oh, right.
18:48Easy.
18:49You can't put them on the lead.
18:50I've seen bait.
18:51I know how it works.
18:53Piggies!
18:55How old are these ones?
18:56About a year.
18:57Are they what you call weaners, or are they gilts?
18:59Yeah, moving on from weaners to gilts here.
19:02I've got baits.
19:03Can we get them out?
19:04Yeah.
19:06Here they come.
19:08Good pigs.
19:11There we go.
19:12Oh, they are fantastic.
19:14Look at them.
19:15You rare breed, you.
19:18So those are how old?
19:19They're coming up to a year now.
19:21I love their socks they've got on.
19:23I know.
19:26But there's one...
19:27Oh, bigger pig.
19:29Much bigger pig coming.
19:32Why is this one so much bigger?
19:33She's much older.
19:35So this is a breeding sow, about two.
19:37So she has had baby.
19:39They haven't met before.
19:40Oh, haven't they?
19:41No.
19:42So there might be a little of working who's who.
19:44I'll keep these back, shall I?
19:45And they're all lady pigs.
19:47All lady pigs.
19:48Can you see they've got their hackles up on the back of their neck?
19:50Oh, like a dog.
19:51That's how you know they're getting a bit grouchy with each other.
19:53And they just don't like each other because...
19:55They've not met before.
19:56They'll make friends soon.
19:59Oh, fight, fight, fight.
20:01Be nice.
20:03This is a proper...
20:05She's much bigger than them as well, but they've got each other,
20:07so they'll stand their ground.
20:11Shall we get the electric gates on?
20:13There you go.
20:14You're on now.
20:15We're on.
20:16So if they touch it now...
20:17There you go.
20:18It's working.
20:19The electric fence is definitely on.
20:21Yeah.
20:23It was then time to put the young piglets in their compound.
20:28Ten in here for you.
20:29I'm looking forward to this.
20:30This is going to be great.
20:35Come on, piggies.
20:36Welcome to Diddly Squat.
20:38They're gorgeous, aren't they?
20:40Fantastic.
20:41Yeah, they're glorious.
20:42Piggly squat.
20:43That's what the herd's called.
20:44It's a superb breeding site.
20:46When the sun shines on them, they look metallic.
20:48Yeah, chestnut.
20:50They're like conkers.
20:52Nobody here will remember the NSU R080.
20:55There was a car called the NSU R080.
20:57Used to be able to get that in exactly the same colour.
21:00Really?
21:01A sort of metallic bronze.
21:02Yeah.
21:05He's already found the potatoes, look.
21:07Yeah.
21:08They're gorgeous.
21:09Oh, look at them running around.
21:10They like it.
21:12This is besides itself.
21:15You're so cute.
21:17Aren't they just the best?
21:21It's potatoes, potatoes.
21:22Look at them, they've gone mental.
21:23This is lunch.
21:25It's literally lunch everywhere you look.
21:27Look, they all follow each other.
21:29Oh, my God, they're so cute.
21:30That one thinks it's a dog.
21:33What are you all doing down there?
21:38So, how long are they here?
21:39For a couple of months, and then they go to the woods.
21:41Yeah.
21:42They winter up here.
21:44So, they've eaten all the potatoes.
21:46And then they're off.
21:51Finally, we had to release the last of the NSU R080s.
21:55And they're off.
21:56They're off.
21:57They're off.
21:58They're off.
22:00Finally, we had to release the last group of pigs
22:03into the pen where sex would take place.
22:07So, this, for the Middlefields, is a sow, a gilt and a boar.
22:10So, a sow's had babies before, huh?
22:12Yeah.
22:13Gilt hasn't.
22:14This is Mabel.
22:15She can be a bit cheeky.
22:16And Mabel is a sow.
22:18Yes.
22:19Come on, Sarah.
22:20Come on, Sarah.
22:21Come on, darling.
22:22It's comfy.
22:23I do know the boar is called Ajax.
22:26Ajax.
22:27Ajax.
22:30Here we go.
22:31He's a young boar.
22:32Yeah, he is.
22:35He's nowhere near as stocky as I thought he'd be.
22:37He's younger.
22:39Here he goes.
22:40Here we go.
22:41Hello.
22:42Look at this.
22:43This is the meeting of...
22:44Hello, sailor.
22:45..Sarah and Ajax.
22:46Love at first sight.
22:47Oh, they're kissing.
22:51There was, however, no time to enjoy this mills-and-boon moment.
22:59Because we had to get the Thrupples' pig house built before nightfall.
23:07Here comes your house, Ajax and Sarah and Mabel.
23:15So if there's a big clonk, I can squidge a pig.
23:20That's good.
23:22It is now dark.
23:30CLONK
23:33OK.
23:35Uh-oh.
23:36The sow is now going to join Lisa.
23:41Oh, no.
23:42More worryingly, here comes the boar.
23:46Oh, no, no, no.
23:47No, not all of you.
23:48No.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:53Jeremy!
23:56Jesus.
23:57LAUGHTER
24:00MUSIC PLAYS
24:06Well, I'm sorry for the things that I told you
24:09Words only go so far
24:11And if I had my way I would reach into heaven
24:15The piggly-squat pig settled down to the business of settling in.
24:21Pearls from a summer sea
24:23But all I can give you is a kiss in the morning
24:26And a sweet apology
24:30And tomorrow's going to be a brighter day
24:34I, meanwhile, cracked on with farming life,
24:37which this week included one of Charlie's skull-numbing catch-ups.
24:42If we were to plant woodland, there is the woodland carbon code.
24:46So, the long and the short of it is we could put those into a herbal lay.
24:50We have to tell Defra or Keane
24:52we need to make that application by the end of March,
24:54so lots of form-filling, lots of...
24:57..all allocated a certain percentage of their income
25:00to environmental, social and ESG governance.
25:03Particularly the food industry, scope three,
25:05they've all got to be carbon neutral...
25:09And after I woke up two days later,
25:12I had to send the precious spelt wheat off to the mill.
25:16Right, I'll just load this grain lorry by myself,
25:20because Caleb is still being a millennial.
25:23There we go.
25:27THUNDER RUMBLES
25:43DRILL WHIRS
25:57Can we edit this out?
26:09A week after the pigs arrived, I took Lisa to see them,
26:13because my breeding plans had hit a snag.
26:19So, the big problem I've got is whenever you see the boar mounting that sow,
26:26how can I put this delicately? He can't reach.
26:30Do you have to give him a hand?
26:32Well, he's much smaller than she is. Yeah.
26:35So when he gets on her back, his penis isn't long enough
26:41to get into her...
26:43Well, I'm sure she's... There's a way of working that out, isn't there?
26:48Hello, pigs!
26:50Luckily, we arrived just in time to see the little boar
26:54having yet another attempt to mount the much bigger sow.
27:00Well, there he goes.
27:02But this is the problem, look. Look how much smaller he is.
27:06He's too small. It's not going in.
27:09Go on, get it in. It's not in. It's not in, you blithering idiot.
27:14It's not coming out either, to be honest.
27:16His cock's come off. Where's it gone? His cock's not coming out.
27:20Come on!
27:22Erm...
27:25I don't know what you do about this.
27:28She's being very patient.
27:30Well, she's desperate, but you have to move your feet forwards.
27:35That was just the most terrible shagging ever.
27:40He's desperate. She just pushed it.
27:43Oh, no, you've electrocuted her.
27:45Oh, look, he's saying sorry.
27:48We decided to leave him in the sex pen for another week
27:52in the hope he'd get the birds and the bees sorted out.
27:59This meant we could focus on other things, which was handy,
28:03because a couple of days later,
28:06Jeremy, a farmer down the road, brought some old friends back.
28:12There you go. Look who it is!
28:15There you go. Look who it is!
28:18Hello, sheeps!
28:23A moment only slightly spoiled by a social faux pas.
28:28Hello, Jeremy the Younger.
28:30How are you? Good. Congratulations on your marriage.
28:33Thank you. I didn't know.
28:35Yes, we invited the wedding, darling.
28:37I did know. Yes. How's it going?
28:40Then it was time to prep the barn
28:43where our remaining cows would be living through the winter.
28:47Another job where Caleb was conspicuous by his absence.
28:52You know, he's better, fully recovered. Yeah.
28:54So much better, in fact, he's now gone on holiday.
28:56Oh, you're joking. How long?
28:58All week. What? He's gone to Cornwall.
29:00Which he'll get a nosebleed,
29:02cos it's more than a mile from Chipping Norton,
29:04but he's gone in this weather.
29:06I suppose he thinks... Yeah?
29:08..his side of the farm, the arable side, he can't do anything,
29:12so he may as well be on holiday.
29:14Our side of the farm... You're a manager.
29:16..the profitable side of the farm...
29:19..we have to put in a shift.
29:28How did the world work without telehandlers?
29:31I do not know.
29:33Yeah, forward.
29:39Yes!
29:41LAUGHTER
29:47Come on, cows.
29:49Gently.
29:51Look, your hotel.
29:55Go on.
29:57That's the one, that's the one.
30:00Oh, man.
30:02Oh, man. Yay!
30:05I'll let you out in five months.
30:08Look at that, Mr Cow.
30:10OK, we're done.
30:13Pretty idyllic summit that is, look at that.
30:18You look delicious.
30:21We had to assume, while all this was going on,
30:24that the boar had done his thing in the sex pen
30:28and that we could now introduce him to the ladies in the next pen along.
30:35Hello, pigbees.
30:37This turned out to be one of the wettest and most confusing hours
30:41of my entire life.
30:43I had no idea what I was doing.
30:45I had no idea what I was doing.
30:47This turned out to be one of the wettest and most confusing hours
30:51of my entire life.
30:55I think there was a rain again. Now.
30:57OK, I'm here, Alex.
31:04Oh, shit, this is like Tetris, won't it?
31:08Well, it's really raining.
31:10OK. Yeah.
31:13This is heavy rain now.
31:16Yes, well done, Lisa.
31:18Well done, you.
31:20Oh! It's attached somehow to the electric...
31:23No, you've got to... Can you stop the pegs coming out?
31:26It's only a... It's just a clearing-up shower.
31:30That doesn't work.
31:33You're dead right.
31:35You have to un... I know we didn't measure it properly, did we?
31:38No, we didn't. We didn't.
31:41OK, quickly, open that one.
31:44Open that one.
31:46And I'll somehow get the boar without the...
31:50No, we only need the one with the penis.
31:53Oh, OK. Not her.
31:55Here we go. Look, this one's...
31:57Oh, shit, no! Fuck!
31:59Where's that one come from? What?
32:01And that one with the gilts got in.
32:03Which was which, now? Which one was it?
32:06Er, this one?
32:08Yeah, this one, the little ginger.
32:10The little... Well, we've got to get that back.
32:12Oh, Christ.
32:14I fucking hate farming.
32:16Come on. Come on.
32:20No, no, stop it.
32:22Stop it. Go. No, stop.
32:24You, stop. Stop. Stop.
32:26As I tried to grab the young filly, the older lady peg,
32:30got cross that her boyfriend was suddenly interested
32:33in a slimmer alternative.
32:35No, no, stop it. She's jealous.
32:38He's going to pork her.
32:41He's on already.
32:43But the big sow wants to be porked. Look.
32:48Look, if I pretend to be shagging her here,
32:52she's going to leave that one alone, right?
32:54Yes, we've got to keep this one... No.
32:56No, look, look, she's jealous.
32:58The only solution was to distract the older sow
33:01with something better than sex.
33:03Have a gingernut biscuit.
33:05No, she... No, I... Look at this.
33:07She doesn't know it's not the boar now.
33:09You see, I'm trying to spot him.
33:11He's cocked. Yes, he's cocked out.
33:13OK. He's cocked out.
33:15And in. It's in.
33:17Cos she doesn't know... No, let him finish.
33:19..that I'm not... No, let him just finish.
33:21Get the biscuits, darling. Get the biscuits.
33:23Which one for?
33:25For this one. But she's fascinated by the whole thing.
33:28Don't put your face in... Oh, Christ.
33:30Here, have a biscuit.
33:32Oh, God. It's the longest...
33:34Come on, man.
33:36Jeremy, I think you should be doing this bit.
33:40Has he not finished yet?
33:42Jeremy, can you do on the back of her, please?
33:44And I'll do the biscuits.
33:46Come here. Right.
33:48She's got to think that she's having sex.
33:50And I'm now giving her that impression,
33:52according to my book.
33:54Oh, she's having a biscuit and sex simultaneously.
33:56Oh. And she prefers biscuits.
33:58Here, biscuits, biscuits.
34:00Will you hurry up?
34:02Honestly.
34:04You're having sex.
34:06Lovely and romantic. It's Barry White.
34:14No, don't. Just listen.
34:16Pay attention to the picture.
34:18She's having sex.
34:20She's having sex.
34:22Just listen. Pay attention to the picture.
34:24Here, biscuits, biscuits.
34:26Don't pull it out.
34:28He must finish in a minute.
34:32Oh, he has huge quantities of sperm.
34:36Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
34:38Back it goes. The pork screw is away.
34:40OK, quickly.
34:42Eventually, we got all the pigs sexed
34:44and back to where they were supposed to be.
34:46And I could relax.
34:48Oh, shit.
34:52What the hell?
34:56What the hell is that?
34:58Has one of the pigs
35:00been sick in my pocket?
35:02You're kidding.
35:04Look.
35:08What the bloody hell's that?
35:10Is that...
35:12Is it...
35:14Oh.
35:16Oh.
35:18For fuck's sake.
35:38It was now almost two months
35:40since the other Donny boy
35:42had planted his wheat and beans
35:44in the field.
35:46And Charlie reckoned we should check up
35:48on how his regenerative farming
35:50was going.
35:52So can I just ask, Charlie,
35:54all the stuff that looks like grass...
35:56Yeah.
35:58..isn't grass. That's wheat.
36:00Yeah. That's wheat. And then these here,
36:02they're beans.
36:04Were beans.
36:06Well, look, I picked up the roots.
36:08That's quite exciting.
36:10And this is what Caleb said won't work.
36:12Correct.
36:14That's bloody good, that. Yeah.
36:16Who knew? Old Groove Armada.
36:18He's done a good job in here, hasn't he?
36:20Well, it looks OK.
36:22And then, look.
36:24There's no disease. They're clean.
36:26Look at all those worms, Jeremy.
36:28That's what he'll get excited about.
36:30Who? He will? Yeah. Earthworms.
36:32Do you know what this shows?
36:34It shows that you've uprooted
36:36a perfectly healthy plant.
36:38There's some nodules on there.
36:40There's some nodules on here,
36:42and that's the bit that the magic happens in the legume,
36:44where it makes nitrogen from the atmosphere
36:46and stores it in the plant.
36:48So that's what we're trying to do, isn't it?
36:50That's what we're trying to do.
36:52Well, not in the plant, back in the soil, isn't it?
36:54This won't release the soil till we kill it and destroy it, yeah.
36:56But they've gone pink.
36:58See how it's fleshy pink in there? Yeah.
37:00Which means they're active.
37:02So the bacteria, the bacteria in your soil,
37:04are making nitrogen.
37:06A man from Groove Armada
37:08is making nitrogen in my soil.
37:10Nobody's ever said that before.
37:12It's never been used as a sentence.
37:16Charlie and I then headed to the office
37:18to discuss the council's enforcement notice,
37:22which didn't just shut down the restaurant.
37:26It made running the farm shop
37:28nigh on impossible as well.
37:32They wanted us to close the small bar
37:34where customers could buy my Hawkston beer.
37:38They didn't want us parking cars in the fields
37:42and said the loos had to go.
37:46And worst of all, they were insisting
37:48we shut the burger van...
37:50Check on, one burger, two truffle, one chilli.
37:52Thank you very much.
37:54..which was now the only realistic way
37:56of selling our meat.
37:58Thank you very much. Thank you.
38:02The restaurant, I could never see that coming back.
38:04But we had to do something to protect our shop.
38:08Farm shop.
38:10Farm shop, we've got some choices to make.
38:12OK.
38:14If they make that enforcement notice stick,
38:16no car parking,
38:18they'll ban parking on the road
38:20and we won't be able to sell anything
38:22other than an apple.
38:24So I was thinking,
38:26why don't we try and move the farm shop up here?
38:28That's out of Chadlington's Parish Road.
38:30And more importantly, this bit isn't in the area
38:32of outstanding natural beauty.
38:34No.
38:36So what if we put it there?
38:38We just close it down here.
38:40Massive losses with all of the work we've done.
38:42You know, getting power there,
38:44getting the loos installed,
38:46concrete floor, everything.
38:48Building the shop itself.
38:50Yeah.
38:52So why don't we go to the council and say,
38:54how would you feel if we moved the shop
38:56into this area?
38:58How would you feel if we moved the shop
39:00into the top end of the farm?
39:02So I get the theory, I get the logic, but...
39:04I knew there'd be a but.
39:06There's no guarantee
39:08that they will grant permission here.
39:10So what we should do is...
39:12Personally, I feel...
39:14You think fight it?
39:16I don't think fight's necessarily the right word.
39:18It's the emotive word,
39:20but actually what I think we should do
39:22is put our views across in a sensible,
39:24logical, objective way,
39:26and fight the fuckers.
39:28Which is not being done.
39:30Hammer them into the ground like tent pegs.
39:32Well, I think some of their points,
39:34probably we do need to be more forceful than others.
39:36Yeah.
39:38And such as, you know...
39:40Lavatories.
39:42Well, they say we can't have a lavatory.
39:44So when you're a shop girl there
39:46and you're not allowed to go to the...
39:48Well, there won't be a lavatory.
39:50Or a shop boy. You could be either.
39:52It's more difficult.
39:54You have to get in the car, close the shop,
39:56come all the way down, back up.
39:58So there is a problem.
40:00Anyway, I think what we should do...
40:02Not move it.
40:04Not move it, speak to a barrister,
40:06and then we put in
40:08a robust, objective response.
40:10Robust.
40:12Yes.
40:14Well, I've been watching Yellowstone.
40:16And then when somebody displeases them,
40:18they murder them, take them across the straight line
40:20and throw them into a ravine.
40:22I've been looking at that scene a lot.
40:28Charlie retreated to his own office
40:30to start work on the appeal.
40:36And while he did that,
40:38Lisa and I went back to the muddy business
40:40of pig farming.
40:46Oh, shit. Look at this.
40:52That was stuck as a don't-know-what.
40:58Stuck into the mud.
41:00They're coming out to see the show.
41:02Yes, they're coming out to laugh at me.
41:04Look, they are...
41:06Look at them.
41:08Look at them. They're hilarious little ears.
41:10They're going to line up and laugh at us.
41:12They're growing so fast, aren't they?
41:14They really are, yeah.
41:18Right.
41:20Right.
41:22I think we're going to have to accept this is going to stay here
41:24until either we get some frost
41:26or...
41:28No, I've got to get the tractor. We can pull it out of that.
41:32As I returned with the Lambo,
41:34Lisa and I got a bit of a surprise.
41:38Hi, Lisa.
41:40Oh, hey, Kay. How are the hals?
41:42Judith, you're back.
41:44Judith?
41:46Judith Chalmers.
41:48I'm a holiday person.
41:50I've been on holiday once.
41:52What do you think?
41:56Not bad, right?
41:58Not bad?
42:00Yeah, look.
42:02Well, last time I see this field was a lovely potato field.
42:04I know, but now look at it.
42:06It's a massive pig enterprise.
42:10That was brilliant, innit?
42:12Firstly,
42:14hear me out.
42:16You got the whole fencing?
42:18We did.
42:20Who's we?
42:22Lisa and me. In a rainstorm, at night,
42:24we got the whole fencing done.
42:26Look at it.
42:28What's the matter with it?
42:30Well, firstly, it hasn't even got all the posts the same height.
42:32Well, that doesn't matter, Caleb.
42:34It does.
42:36And there's the road, look. Again, I can't...
42:38Don't be picky.
42:40What's the matter with the road?
42:42Well, everyone can see it. It looks shit.
42:44Did you use a string line?
42:46We didn't really have time for that.
42:48It was a rush job.
42:50Anyway, we've done it.
42:52Not one has escaped.
42:54We put a sign on the road saying,
42:56Caleb built these fences.
42:58It's just all brilliant.
43:00The pigs look amazing, actually.
43:02Let me explain how it works,
43:04just because I've been reading a book.
43:06We've got the wieners there.
43:08We've got the boar,
43:10and two sows in here.
43:12But we started there,
43:14and then we put him in there
43:16with three sows.
43:18So he's now done the lot.
43:20Honestly,
43:22there's been pig orgy going on.
43:24You put the boar in here,
43:26and then in a weak space,
43:28you put it in with the other lot?
43:30Yeah.
43:32What's wrong with that?
43:34No, you're joking.
43:36You're kidding.
43:38Please tell me you're lying.
43:40No.
43:42Have you counted their nipples?
43:44No.
43:46A pig's got like 14 nipples.
43:48They have litters of like 10 to 14.
43:50Well, I've done it.
43:52Yeah, but you space it out a little bit.
43:54You don't have 50 piglets at the same time.
43:56You're going to have
43:5850 small little piglets
44:00running around at the same time.
44:02Honestly.
44:04Fucking hell.
44:07I'd be highly cautious
44:09about doing anything around these banks.
44:11Oh, yeah.
44:13Oh!
44:15Shit!
44:17I've never seen incompetence like it.
44:19Oh!
44:21I'm...
44:23flabbergasted.
44:36You
44:38You
44:40You
44:42You
44:44You
44:46You
44:48You
44:50You
44:52You
44:54You
44:56You
44:58You