I'm Chinese, He's Black - And Racists Call Us 'Shameful' | LOVE DON'T JUDGE
T'MARH, 29, and Kathryn, 25, live together in Shanghai. He is British and she is Chinese, they have been together for seven months and have blended their lives, residing in an apartment in the city with their dog. The pair first met after briefly seeing each other at a party, then shortly after matched on Tinder and clicked. However, not all has been plain sailing for the couple, with some people in the outside world condemning their interracial relationship. When they are out in public together they often get stares, as local people can be shocked at their mixed-race relationship, especially because T'Marh is black. He explained: "You'll notice as we're walking past, people's faces will follow you as you go." But since staying longer in the city he has come to accept that these looks don't always come from a place of malice, "I've been living in Shanghai for the past five years," he said. "When I first came that would have bothered me, but I know that people will stare at something they haven't seen for a long time, it's just how it is. People will take out their phones to record, it's just how it is. It can be a bit awkward at first but it's just something that I've phased out." The couple both have their respective Instagram accounts where they have been praised for their distinctive styles but, since starting their relationship, they created a joint account and have begun to experience racist and sexualised comments aimed at both of them, Kat said: "Someone called him a gorilla, it's so bad." T'Marh added: "Someone said, 'How much can you buy him for?' People say, if you are with a white person maybe you'll stay together, if it's a black person, he's gonna go somewhere." But the couple have many supporters online too: "There are people who think our relationship looks great, we have an authentic connection and they think we look great together," T'Marh said. Kat agreed: "A lot of people think that we are a lovely couple with a special vibe that other couples don't have." She added: "The most important part is not which country he comes from, or what race he is. The most important part is who he is and the feeling from this relationship that he gives me, and that's why I [am] with him."
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00:00 I'm Chinese and my partner is a black guy.
00:04 My culture doesn't approve of my man.
00:07 People will take out their phones to record, it's just how it is.
00:09 Someone called him "guerrilla".
00:11 Or like, how much can you buy him for?
00:13 A lot of it is just looks and stares.
00:15 Yeah, just stares on the street.
00:17 As a black guy, it's not so common to be here in the first place,
00:19 so I'll get stares and like phase it out.
00:21 You don't always notice it,
00:23 but it's more apparent when we're walking together.
00:26 You'll notice people, like as we're walking past,
00:27 their faces will just follow you as they go.
00:30 I've been living in Shanghai for the last five years.
00:32 We matched each other on Tinder.
00:35 And after several talks, I just think,
00:39 he's interesting, funny and gentle.
00:42 So I decided to meet him.
00:45 It went pretty well.
00:46 The language difference made it a bit difficult.
00:48 It flowed pretty smoothly.
00:49 She has a really good sense of humour and she's stunning.
00:52 So it worked out.
00:54 Daily life?
00:55 Speaking is very much direct.
00:57 Like usually, we use like what they call it, "fluff" when we're talking.
01:02 So if you think someone's gained weight, you'd be like,
01:04 "Oh, I don't know if your clothes fit you as well.
01:06 Maybe you should try this."
01:08 Like you say the things in a very roundabout manner.
01:11 Here, they just tell you you're fat.
01:13 The social media?
01:15 A lot of main comments.
01:16 Our most recent comment.
01:18 "You know she loves that b****."
01:20 "This is beyond my understanding."
01:22 "It has mud shark vibes."
01:24 She called you a mud shark.
01:25 We laugh about the ones that are like funny.
01:28 I still remember that black girl called me skinny people.
01:32 She said, "I'm in a skinny people face."
01:35 Freaking haters.
01:37 Some people say like, "Oh, if you're with a white person,
01:40 maybe you'll stay together.
01:41 If it's a black one, he's going to go somewhere."
01:44 Stuff like this.
01:45 They think I'm shameful and I'm a leftover woman
01:50 because no Chinese guy choose me.
01:53 So I choose a black guy.
01:55 When I read these messages, most of the time,
01:59 I'm curious.
02:00 I'm going to go to your profile.
02:01 I'm going to see if you're ugly or not.
02:03 There's nothing wrong with living in a basement.
02:06 Just relax.
02:07 Go out, do something positive.
02:09 They're just unhappy.
02:11 It doesn't affect our relationship.
02:13 If I didn't meet her, do you think you would have a chance
02:15 to meet her?
02:16 I'm not taking any of this.
02:17 No chance.
02:18 Yeah.
02:18 It's not like we're stealing something from someone.
02:20 It's just...
02:21 Even if I'm single forever.
02:23 No chance.
02:25 But there are positive ones.
02:26 There are many people who think that our relationship
02:29 looks great.
02:30 We have an authentic connection.
02:32 Yeah, I just think we are a lovely couple.
02:35 We are of a special vibe that a lot of couples
02:39 don't have this kind of vibe.
02:41 You're one half, he is the other half.
02:42 That's pretty cute.
02:43 I remember there's some comment or post like,
02:47 "My dad will be shameful of me
02:50 because I dated a black guy."
02:53 I didn't tell my dad because I was born in a traditional
02:58 Chinese family and my dad is very traditional.
03:01 So it's difficult for me now to tell my dad about it.
03:05 Maybe in the future, I will choose a proper time
03:10 to talk with him about my relationship, but not now.
03:15 Some of my friends, they just thought I met him for fun,
03:19 just not for a serious relationship.
03:21 Most of them, they don't like the guy who is big muscle.
03:26 Actually, my friends prefer Korean style,
03:30 Korean K-pop style, this kind of style.
03:34 So they never think I will find a black guy as a boyfriend.
03:41 My friend, Luca, is coming over today.
03:44 I'm so anxious to hear what will he say.
03:47 Luca is one of my best friends.
03:50 The first time when he saw Tamara's pictures,
03:53 he said he looks like a gangster.
03:56 A gangster in an American movie.
03:59 I didn't have many friends who were dating foreigners,
04:03 especially a black guy or a UK guy in China.
04:06 So I'm pretty curious about it.
04:08 Older people in China, they may have some misjudgments
04:12 for the integration relationships
04:15 because they didn't meet any foreigners
04:18 during their whole life, so they don't know much about foreigners,
04:21 including white guys or black guys.
04:25 So when I saw his photo, I think he's a...
04:29 - A cold guy, right? - A cold guy.
04:33 He's a guy with so many muscles.
04:36 He's in the gym all the time.
04:39 He's a gym guy, he's a sports guy.
04:42 When I saw him in real life, I think he's a nice guy.
04:45 He's very, very kind, right?
04:47 He's funny.
04:49 - Gentleman. - Yeah, he's a gentleman.
04:52 Even though he wears a...
04:55 - Gangster. - Yeah, very gangster hairstyle.
05:00 There's kind of a stereotype that black people aren't smart.
05:04 They're athletic and they're creative.
05:07 But those are the two things that go up.
05:09 The rest of it's like, "They're not that clever."
05:10 It's an assumption.
05:11 Maybe the first reason is there are a lot of
05:14 interracial couples, Chinese and white guys.
05:19 There are not a lot of girls with black guys.
05:23 So it's rare here.
05:25 It's not common here.
05:28 But on the internet, that makes sense.
05:29 All of the negative haters on the internet.
05:33 All over the world, I mean, not only in China.
05:36 - It's true. - I think in China,
05:37 for all the generations, they may have some negative comments
05:43 because they don't meet any foreigners during their whole life.
05:47 - Yeah. - Yeah.
05:48 - Especially black guys, right? - Yeah, especially black guys.
05:51 They tend to get along with people of the same nationality.
05:56 - Yeah. - Yeah.
05:57 But I think for all the young generations, we're all right.
06:01 Yeah, the youth is more tolerant here.
06:04 - Yeah. - Yeah.
06:05 Much more tolerant than the older generation.
06:07 One of the big things that actually Cat brought up in the beginning
06:10 was to overcome the, not difficulties, but the differences that we have.
06:15 Like, there are a lot of things that we are very different about.
06:17 Dress sense, what we think is attractive, even beauty standards are different.
06:21 But we're both very open.
06:23 And even though we know the differences,
06:24 we find it interesting to talk about them
06:26 and see why things are different in China and in England.
06:29 It's not so much a bad thing.
06:30 It's just something more to learn about.
06:32 The future, we have our plans.
06:34 We hope that we can move out of Shanghai in the next few years.
06:37 We want to live somewhere else,
06:39 spend time in other countries,
06:41 because we both very much like to travel.
06:43 How about you? What do you want to do in the future?
06:45 I want to explore this world with you.
06:49 I hope everyone in this world can experience more in this world.
06:54 Don't just stay in your fixed circle.
06:58 And if you step out of it,
07:00 you will find a new side of this world.
07:04 I like the energy that she brings.
07:06 She's very honest and open.
07:08 And it makes me think a lot about my actions
07:10 and reflect on myself.
07:11 So I think I've grown a lot.
07:13 He takes care of me a lot.
07:15 He treats me very well.
07:17 So I told my friend,
07:19 it's the first time I feel that I was treated as a princess.
07:24 I have a healthy relationship.
07:27 So I think the most important part
07:30 is not which country he comes from
07:34 or which race he is.
07:37 The most important part is who he is.
07:40 And the feeling from this relationship he gave me.
07:44 It's the most important part.
07:46 And that's why I like to be with him.
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