Nothing Sacred - SD
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
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00:02:36 Ladies and gentlemen, when the Morning Star summoned you to this banquet,
00:02:41 I realized that there were only two people qualified to introduce the great man we are honoring tonight.
00:02:47 Either my humble self or that pearl among journalists, Mr. Wallace Cook, my great friend and star reporter.
00:02:56 Yes, that is true.
00:02:58 I want Mr. Cook himself to tell you the great feat he performed, not only for the Morning Star,
00:03:03 but for mankind itself, in interesting our guest of honor in this great project.
00:03:09 [Applause]
00:03:23 27 halls of learning and culture, 27 arenas of art, to be known as the Morning Star Temple.
00:03:32 And for every dollar we contribute, our guest has pledged himself to give 10.
00:03:39 Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great honor to introduce to you a prince with a heart as big as his pocketbook,
00:03:48 that fabulous and magnificent potentate of the Orient, the Sultan of Mazupan.
00:03:54 [Applause]
00:04:03 Peace be unto you, my friends. Peace and the blessings of culture.
00:04:22 That's him. That's my husband.
00:04:25 [Music]
00:04:46 Well, my fine oriental potentate, I'm not going to have you arrested.
00:04:53 I'm going to put you on the payroll as a janitor.
00:04:57 Thank you, sir.
00:04:59 And I always want you present in the local room, where my reporters and Mr. Wallace Cook can drink you in constantly as a warning against fakes.
00:05:11 Yes, sir. May I ask, ain't Mr. Cook a reporter anymore? I wouldn't like for him to lose his job. He was very nice to me.
00:05:21 Mr. Cook is not going to be discharged, Your Majesty.
00:05:26 For his own good and the good of the Morning Star, I am going to remove him from the land of the living.
00:05:34 Come on.
00:05:42 [Indistinct conversations]
00:06:11 [Indistinct conversations]
00:06:36 Listen, Oliver, I tell you I'm innocent. I was just as fooled by old Black Joe as you were.
00:06:41 I believed everything he said, just as you did.
00:06:44 Now, Oliver, either you cut out these fat-headed monkey shines of yours and let bygones be bygones, or I'm walking out of this fish trap right here and now.
00:06:51 You're under contract to the Star for five more years.
00:06:54 You're not in a position to resign unless you wish to retire from journalistic efforts over that period.
00:06:59 Oliver, you're not going to keep me pounding out obituaries for five years.
00:07:04 Those are my plans, Mr. Cook.
00:07:08 That's gratitude.
00:07:11 I'm the best reporter you've ever had.
00:07:13 I've handed you a hundred scoops.
00:07:16 It isn't fair, Oliver. It isn't human.
00:07:19 Shut up!
00:07:22 Oliver, I don't like to say this, but the paper is going to rack and ruin with me hidden away in that water cooler.
00:07:29 Look at this.
00:07:30 What's that?
00:07:31 "A young girl doomed to death from radium poisoning."
00:07:34 We've covered it.
00:07:35 Covered it?
00:07:37 You're getting old, Oliver.
00:07:38 Look, it's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 lines on hazel flag.
00:07:41 A poor little kid with a few months to live at the outside.
00:07:44 Doomed.
00:07:45 Death staring her in the face.
00:07:46 What does she feel?
00:07:47 What does she think?
00:07:48 Radium eating away her bones.
00:07:50 Don't shout at me!
00:07:51 Listen, Oliver, there's a story in this kid that ought to tear your heart out.
00:07:54 Where is it?
00:07:55 Why hasn't the Star got it?
00:07:56 I'll tell you.
00:07:57 Because I'm stuck away in a water cooler on account of some whim of yours.
00:07:59 Listen, Oliver, give me a chance, will you?
00:08:01 So help me, may I drop dead, I'll redeem myself.
00:08:03 I ought to be shot for what I'm thinking.
00:08:05 What are you thinking?
00:08:06 I'm thinking that maybe you ain't the most tittering imbecile on earth.
00:08:09 I'm thinking that maybe you've learned your lesson.
00:08:12 Oliver, so help me.
00:08:13 I'll be in Vermont by morning.
00:08:14 I'll dig up a story that'll make this sound swoon.
00:08:16 Here's my hand on it.
00:08:18 I've been through an inferno.
00:08:25 I haven't been able to enter a cafe for the past three weeks without the band playing Dixie.
00:08:30 Well, that was a coincidence.
00:08:31 I've given you my hand.
00:08:32 Go on, redeem yourself.
00:08:34 Thanks.
00:08:35 You won't regret it.
00:08:36 If I don't come back with the biggest story you ever handled,
00:08:40 you can put me back in short pants and make me marble at it.
00:08:44 [music]
00:08:47 [train whistle]
00:08:49 All aboard!
00:08:55 [train whistle]
00:09:05 [train whistle]
00:09:07 You through?
00:09:17 Yep.
00:09:18 You know this girl, Hazel Flagg?
00:09:21 Yep.
00:09:22 Pretty girl, huh?
00:09:23 Yep.
00:09:24 Where is she now, in a hospital?
00:09:27 Nope.
00:09:28 Just walking around, huh?
00:09:30 Laughing, carrying on, I suppose.
00:09:32 Yep.
00:09:34 What's your name, Coolidge?
00:09:36 Nope.
00:09:37 Well, if you aren't worn out talking, what is it?
00:09:41 Bull.
00:09:42 Mr. Bull, my name's Cook.
00:09:44 I'm from the New York Star.
00:09:46 I, uh, going to be filing a lot of stuff at your telegraph office here.
00:09:51 I don't think you are.
00:09:53 Who says?
00:09:54 Paragon Watch Factory owns this town.
00:09:56 They don't care they have any scandal printed.
00:09:58 What they say goes.
00:10:01 Better take the next train back.
00:10:03 The kind of a fellow this doctor down there?
00:10:05 He won't talk to you.
00:10:06 Nobody talks to you in this town.
00:10:08 Except me.
00:10:09 Better go home.
00:10:11 Well, if you don't mind, I'll, uh, take a little stroll and have a look at the sights first.
00:10:16 Well, I wouldn't talk to you at all if I knew I was going to do it for nothing.
00:10:19 Oh, pardon me.
00:10:20 I forgot I was in Vermont.
00:10:24 [Footsteps]
00:10:30 [Coffee pot clatters]
00:10:31 Oh, wow.
00:10:32 Morning, sister.
00:10:38 You in charge here?
00:10:42 Yep.
00:10:43 I've been wandering through your fascinating metropolis for an hour.
00:10:48 Mind if I sit down here?
00:10:50 Yep.
00:10:53 I guess you misunderstood me.
00:10:54 Nope.
00:10:55 You know Hazel Flagg?
00:11:02 Yep.
00:11:03 Any idea where I could find her this morning?
00:11:05 You're a newspaper man from New York.
00:11:09 How'd you guess that, sister?
00:11:11 You was ascribed to me.
00:11:12 Will Bull can shoot his mouth off to you all he wants, but not me, nor anybody else in this town.
00:11:16 This drugstore is run by the Paragon Watch Company.
00:11:18 And they don't want any scandal-monger New Yorkers snooping around.
00:11:22 Okay, sister.
00:11:23 How much do I owe you?
00:11:26 Well, you've tooken up my time.
00:11:29 Thank you very much.
00:11:31 I'm sorry that I've tooken up so much of your time.
00:11:34 Sorry.
00:11:36 [Whistling]
00:11:42 [Footsteps]
00:11:45 [Screaming]
00:11:48 Oh, boy, do I like that!
00:11:50 Oh, my goodness!
00:11:51 Oh, yes!
00:11:53 [Screaming]
00:11:57 [Whistling]
00:12:00 [Footsteps]
00:12:04 [Groaning]
00:12:07 Oi!
00:12:08 [Footsteps]
00:12:11 [Groaning]
00:12:13 [Footsteps]
00:12:23 Oh, good morning.
00:12:25 Dr. Donohan?
00:12:27 Yes.
00:12:28 Is that his office?
00:12:31 Yes.
00:12:32 Tell him Mr. Cook would like to see him.
00:12:34 Tell him yourself.
00:12:36 [Footsteps]
00:12:50 Dr. Donohan?
00:12:51 Yes.
00:12:52 My name's Cook. I'm up here from New York.
00:12:56 Sit down. I'll be with you in a minute.
00:13:05 Nice day.
00:13:06 Yep.
00:13:07 What do you got, young man? Hive?
00:13:09 Oh, no hives.
00:13:11 Lot of hives going around.
00:13:12 Miss George Nasher was took yesterday.
00:13:14 You know her?
00:13:15 Nope.
00:13:16 Where did you say you were from?
00:13:19 New York.
00:13:20 I was wondering if you could tell me where I could find Hazel Flagg.
00:13:25 From New York, eh?
00:13:26 Yep.
00:13:27 You know what I think, young fella?
00:13:29 I think you're a newspaper man. I can smell him.
00:13:31 I've always been able to smell him.
00:13:33 Excuse me while I open the window.
00:13:35 I'll tell you briefly what I think of newspaper men.
00:13:42 The hand of God reaching down into the mire...
00:13:45 couldn't elevate one of them to the depths of degradation.
00:13:49 Not by a million miles.
00:13:51 I think you're being a little severe toward my profession.
00:13:54 Not much, but just a little.
00:13:55 Nothing of the sort. I am a fair-minded man, young fella.
00:13:58 But when you've been robbed, swindled, cheated for 22 years out of a fortune...
00:14:02 it's pardonable to formulate an opinion.
00:14:05 From New York, eh?
00:14:06 Yep.
00:14:07 You don't happen to know of a newspaper called The Morning Star?
00:14:10 You have the honor, Dr. Downer, of addressing that newspaper's most gifted representative.
00:14:16 Moses in the mountains.
00:14:18 You're from The Morning Star?
00:14:19 Stay right where you are. Don't move.
00:14:21 I'll show you something that'll freeze you.
00:14:24 Listen, doctor. I'm getting sick of this taffy pull.
00:14:27 Where can I get a hold of Hazel Flagg?
00:14:29 Don't talk to me about Hazel Flagg. Notary.
00:14:32 Here's the evidence.
00:14:34 Now, I appeal to you as a man of learning, Dr. Downer.
00:14:38 What is Miss Flagg's address?
00:14:40 Don't waste my time, young fella.
00:14:42 Here, read that.
00:14:43 That's a copy of an essay I wrote.
00:14:45 Read it. Go on.
00:14:46 Tip for tat.
00:14:47 Give me her address and I'll pore over these interesting documents all night.
00:14:51 I entered this contest with a clean pair of hands.
00:14:55 Who are the sixth greatest Americans?
00:14:57 I named them and proved why, writing on one side of the paper.
00:15:00 And what happened? Did I win the $10,000?
00:15:03 No, sirree.
00:15:04 Did I win the $5,000?
00:15:06 Did they even try to save their face by giving me one of the smaller $1,000 prizes?
00:15:10 Not that gang of chicken thieves.
00:15:12 Here's what they gave me. Read it.
00:15:14 A check for $1. Young fella, for 22 years.
00:15:17 I must ask you, Dr. Downer, to be reasonable.
00:15:19 You can't harbor a grudge for 22 years.
00:15:21 I'll harbor it till I die. Wait and see.
00:15:23 The Morning Star had a chance to win my respect 22 years ago.
00:15:27 They saw fit to swindle and belittle me. Very well.
00:15:30 I'll prove to them before I die who the sixth great Americans are
00:15:34 and who was entitled to the first prize.
00:15:36 I could do better in darkest Africa.
00:15:42 You know who got that $10,000? The editor's wife. That's who.
00:15:46 [banging]
00:15:49 You don't have to sit there looking so dramatic, Hazel, like Eliza crossing the ice.
00:16:12 Well, I can't help feeling a little bad you couldn't either if you were going to die any minute.
00:16:17 Well, you can stop giving yourself the airs of a dying swan.
00:16:20 According to this last analysis I made, you ain't going to die.
00:16:24 Unless you get run over or something.
00:16:26 What?
00:16:28 You heard me. I don't like to chew my cabbage twice.
00:16:31 You think... you think I'm not going to die?
00:16:35 You're thinner than a fiddle. And stop gawking at me or I'll cut myself.
00:16:39 Oh, oh, oh, I've got to cry, Enoch. I can't help it.
00:16:44 Come, come, come. This is no way to behave in the doctor's office.
00:16:47 Besides, that soap will give you the darndest bellyache you ever had.
00:16:51 Oh, Enoch, you saved my life.
00:16:53 Oh, it was nothing. That first diagnosis I made was a mistake.
00:16:58 I got so that I was seeing radium poisoning everywhere.
00:17:01 I've been awfully brave, haven't I, not to cry before. Please, Dad.
00:17:04 Well, now that it's over, I don't mind telling you, Hazel, I felt kind of sorry for you.
00:17:10 Sorry.
00:17:12 I...
00:17:14 I've been under a great strain.
00:17:21 You know, I don't know what I'm so happy about, Enoch. You sort of spoiled my trip.
00:17:32 What's this, Hazel?
00:17:34 You know, I was going to take that $200 you get for dying in Warsaw and go to New York and blow it all in and die happy.
00:17:39 And now I've got to stay in Warsaw.
00:17:42 So, that's your gratitude to me for snatching you from the jaws of death.
00:17:48 You know, I don't know which I am, happy or miserable. I'm all mixed up, Enoch, listen.
00:17:55 Do you have to hand in that report to the factory? I know it sounds a little dishonest.
00:18:00 I'd do it like a shot, Hazel.
00:18:03 Only I'd lose my job the minute they found out you weren't going to die.
00:18:07 And besides, there's the ethics.
00:18:10 Well, thanks for all your trouble. I'm terribly grateful.
00:18:14 It's only kind of startling to be brought to life twice and each time in Warsaw.
00:18:25 Miss Flagg, pardon me, I'm Wallace Cook, New York star.
00:18:29 I came up to see you. I know it's hard for you to talk, but if you just listen to me for a little while...
00:18:34 I have nothing to say now. It's sort of too late.
00:18:38 I know how you feel, Miss Flagg, but I won't ask you any questions about your ailment.
00:18:42 I was just in the sea, Dr. Dower. He told me...
00:18:45 Oh, please don't cry. I was thinking while I was waiting for you to come out and I got an idea.
00:18:49 I want you to come to New York with me.
00:18:51 What?
00:18:52 As my guest. As the guest of the Morning Star. Now, don't say anything till I tell you.
00:18:55 Oh, I'm not saying anything.
00:18:56 If you were my sister or somebody close to me, I'd take you out of Warsaw dead or alive, Miss Flagg.
00:19:02 Oh, I've always wanted to see the world outside before I...
00:19:05 That's tragic. You've lived here all your life.
00:19:07 Twice that long.
00:19:08 You poor kid. You've never been to New York.
00:19:10 Oh, my grandmother took me there when I was three, but I didn't appreciate it.
00:19:13 Listen, we'll show you the town. We'll take you everywhere.
00:19:16 You'll have more fun than if you lived a hundred years in this moth-eaten, yuppin, nope village.
00:19:20 Oh, that's so very true.
00:19:21 Is it a bargain?
00:19:22 I don't know. This would be imposing on everybody because...
00:19:24 Imposing? In what way?
00:19:25 I just thought it'd be wrong to make people sad.
00:19:28 It'd be kind of a killjoy, wouldn't it?
00:19:30 Listen, I'll be frank with you. Even if I sound like a ghoul, you'll be a sensation.
00:19:33 The whole town will take you to its heart.
00:19:35 You'll have everything you've ever dreamed of and you'll have it on a silver platter.
00:19:37 You'll be like Aladdin with a magic lamp to rub.
00:19:40 You mean they'll like me?
00:19:42 Just because I'm dying?
00:19:44 Oh, that's a cruel way to put it. No, they'll like you because you'll be a symbol of courage and heroism.
00:19:48 We'll talk about it on the plane.
00:19:50 An airplane? You mean we're going to fly to there?
00:19:52 Sure. Sure, we haven't much time.
00:19:54 I'm sorry. I mean, the sooner you get there, the more time you'll have to enjoy yourself.
00:19:58 You know, I was going to go there before I saved up a hundred dollars.
00:20:00 A hundred million dollars couldn't buy you the fun of morning stock and give you. Come on.
00:20:03 Oh, no, wait. I've got to take him with me.
00:20:05 With a kid on a bicycle?
00:20:06 Oh, no, no, Enoch. Dr. Darner. You wait here.
00:20:08 I'll be back in a minute.
00:20:09 Nope.
00:20:10 Well, I'll go ask him. Will you wait here?
00:20:11 Yep.
00:20:12 Oh, good. Enoch! Enoch!
00:20:14 Enoch!
00:20:17 Oh, Enoch, look!
00:20:18 I don't care for scenery. I care for the people.
00:20:20 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:22 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:24 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:26 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:28 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:30 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:32 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:34 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:36 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:38 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:40 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:42 I'm going to get you out of here.
00:20:44 Oh, Enoch, look!
00:20:46 I don't care for scenery from this point of view.
00:20:48 But that's the Statue of Liberty!
00:20:50 I've seen it.
00:20:52 I got in touch with Oliver, or Oliver Stone, my editor.
00:21:07 He's toe-dancing in the street waiting for us.
00:21:09 Oh, I hope he's nice like you.
00:21:11 Well, he's got a different quality of charm.
00:21:13 He's sort of a cross between a Ferris wheel and a werewolf.
00:21:16 But with a lovable streak, if you care to blast for it.
00:21:19 You getting nervous?
00:21:21 Oh, no, no. I just hope you won't have a lot of long-whispered doctors lined up to harass me.
00:21:25 You know, I'm not coming to New York to play guinea pig for a lot of scientists.
00:21:28 Everybody knows that radium poisoning is incurable, so...
00:21:31 So why waste any time in that direction?
00:21:34 Don't you worry about that.
00:21:36 You won't be bothered at all.
00:21:38 You know, I'm not going to bed until I have convulsions and my teeth start falling out.
00:21:41 That's when I begin worrying, isn't it, Enoch?
00:21:43 This is as good a time as any.
00:21:46 How are you feeling now, sailor?
00:21:48 Hunky-dory, skipper.
00:21:51 Well, there she is, in all her beads and ribbons.
00:21:54 Mr. Cook?
00:22:02 Yes.
00:22:03 Oh, thank you.
00:22:05 Oh, it's from Oliver.
00:22:07 He's almost tongue-tied with excitement.
00:22:09 He's worked up a nutty demonstration.
00:22:10 New York is going to lay its heart at your feet...
00:22:13 ...while the whistles blow and the bands play and the cameras grind.
00:22:17 How about you, sailor?
00:22:18 Anything you care to say as we go into action?
00:22:20 Oh, I'm going to have a marvelous time.
00:22:22 Whatever happens afterwards, I mean about the convulsions and all that,
00:22:25 I'm going to have fun first.
00:22:26 I am. I am.
00:22:28 Well, if that doesn't make them cry, nothing will.
00:22:30 Cry? Why should they cry?
00:22:32 Because you're the bravest kid that ever lived.
00:22:35 There's no fake about it this time.
00:22:38 Oh, look!
00:22:40 [plane engine]
00:22:43 [plane engine]
00:22:46 [plane engine]
00:22:50 [plane engine]
00:22:53 [plane engine]
00:22:56 [plane engine]
00:22:59 [plane engine]
00:23:02 [plane engine]
00:23:05 [plane engine]
00:23:08 [plane engine]
00:23:11 [plane engine]
00:23:14 [plane engine]
00:23:17 [plane engine]
00:23:20 (dramatic music)
00:23:22 (dramatic music)
00:23:25 (dramatic music)
00:23:28 (dramatic music)
00:23:31 (dramatic music)
00:23:33 (dramatic music)
00:23:36 (dramatic music)
00:23:39 (dramatic music)
00:23:42 (dramatic music)
00:23:44 (dramatic music)
00:23:47 (dramatic music)
00:23:50 (dramatic music)
00:23:53 (dramatic music)
00:23:55 (dramatic music)
00:23:58 (crowd cheering)
00:24:09 - Don't excite yourself too much, it's just a fake.
00:24:24 - What did you say?
00:24:25 - I said don't excite yourself too much, it's just a fake.
00:24:27 - Who, who's a fake?
00:24:28 - Those grapplers.
00:24:30 Only square thing about them is the ring.
00:24:31 - Oh, them?
00:24:32 - They're a symbol of the whole town,
00:24:34 pretending to fight, love, weep, and laugh all the time,
00:24:36 and they're phonies, all of them.
00:24:38 And I had the list.
00:24:39 - Oh no, you don't, don't say that.
00:24:41 - Using you to get a bonus in a byline on the front page.
00:24:45 Making good over your poor little pain rack body,
00:24:47 and I'm worse than those fake wrestlers.
00:24:50 - Well, perhaps you'll find tonight, Wally,
00:24:51 you and the Morning Star have been so wonderful to me.
00:24:53 You know, these wonderful gowns and the banquets
00:24:55 and the theatres, it's just been a whole experience.
00:24:58 - Stop looking so happy and gallant, will you?
00:25:01 It breaks my heart.
00:25:02 (crowd cheering)
00:25:06 (woman screaming)
00:25:21 (crowd cheering)
00:25:23 - You all right?
00:25:35 - Oh yes, I feel fine.
00:25:37 (crowd cheering)
00:25:39 - Ladies and gentlemen, I have just learned
00:25:47 that Miss Hazel Flagg is in the audience.
00:25:51 (crowd cheering)
00:25:54 I would like to ask this distinguished audience
00:26:02 to observe 10 seconds of silence in respect for Miss Flagg.
00:26:07 (bell ringing)
00:26:12 (bell ringing)
00:26:15 - Okay, boys.
00:26:37 (crowd cheering)
00:26:41 (crowd cheering)
00:26:44 (gentle music)
00:26:49 - Would it anything with your running the fleet
00:27:09 if I asked you something personal?
00:27:11 - That's what we're here for, to get personal.
00:27:13 Proceed.
00:27:14 There's a loose halyard forward.
00:27:15 Go make it fast, will you?
00:27:16 - The thing of the sea?
00:27:17 - Yes, my little mariner, yes.
00:27:18 Try not to go overboard.
00:27:20 - I asked several people, but they didn't know.
00:27:23 - Didn't know what?
00:27:24 - If you were married.
00:27:25 - The answer in capital letters is no, N-O.
00:27:31 - M-O?
00:27:31 - N-O.
00:27:32 - Oh, I see.
00:27:34 I don't suppose newspaper men marry is the rule.
00:27:36 - Not after they're 14 or 15.
00:27:38 - That's the dangerous age for the journalist.
00:27:40 His ideals are not yet formed
00:27:42 and he falls easy prey to elderly waitresses.
00:27:45 Once his finer side is born, he waits.
00:27:47 - For what?
00:27:49 - The sound of the fire alarm, Miss Flagg,
00:27:51 waits to go rushing off to the fire.
00:27:53 - What fire is that, Mr. Cook?
00:27:54 - Love.
00:27:56 - I used to hear about that in Warsaw.
00:27:57 - Yeah, it's gotten around.
00:27:59 (dramatic music)
00:28:03 (upbeat music)
00:28:06 - You having fun?
00:28:28 - Yes, but you know I get kind of depressed.
00:28:31 You know, last night when I entered the theater,
00:28:33 everybody moaned, oh.
00:28:34 You know, I might as well be a case of walking cholera.
00:28:38 Don't do that!
00:28:40 - I used to love New York
00:28:46 when I went gaga over some celebrity.
00:28:48 Danced in the streets with a neon light around its heart.
00:28:52 Getting fed up with its trick tears
00:28:56 and phony lamentations over you.
00:28:58 - I'm glad they're phony.
00:28:59 It makes everything all right in a way.
00:29:01 What I mean is I wouldn't want to feel
00:29:03 I was really making all those people suffer.
00:29:05 Wally, Wally, look at that man with the toupee!
00:29:20 (audience applauding)
00:29:23 (audience chattering)
00:29:26 (upbeat music)
00:29:35 - Greetings, greetings, my little folks.
00:29:47 Tonight there is one among us
00:29:50 who adds a bit of unaccustomed drama
00:29:53 to our little rabbit.
00:29:54 She sits here, eyes sparkling,
00:29:57 her face wreathed in a lovely smile,
00:30:00 drinking in the charm, the glitter,
00:30:04 the gay sounds of life.
00:30:07 So drink your wine, laugh and applaud
00:30:10 while this little doomed child
00:30:13 sits saying goodbye to you.
00:30:16 Her last goodbye with a grateful smile on her lips.
00:30:21 So on with the show, my little axes all.
00:30:24 On with the show for tonight,
00:30:28 you are not the famous folk of Broadway.
00:30:31 Tonight you are just a little chorus
00:30:33 laughing and dancing and pirouetting
00:30:36 to afford a last brief hour of mirth and jollity
00:30:40 to America's simplest and sweetest of heroines,
00:30:45 Miss Hazel Black.
00:30:47 (audience applauding)
00:30:51 (audience cheering)
00:30:54 - For good, clean fun, there's nothing like a wake.
00:31:01 - Oh, please, please, let's not talk shop.
00:31:03 - Our next number tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
00:31:07 is entitled "The Heroine of History."
00:31:12 (upbeat music)
00:31:20 Catherine the Great, who saved Russia.
00:31:22 She could do it, too.
00:31:23 Lady Godiva, who saved her virtue.
00:31:39 - That's the way those things go, folks.
00:31:41 (upbeat music)
00:31:44 - Katinka, who saved Holland
00:32:03 by putting her finger in the dike.
00:32:05 - Show them the finger, babe.
00:32:08 (upbeat music)
00:32:11 - Pocahontas, who saved Captain John Smith
00:32:26 and later on set him up in the cough drop business.
00:32:28 (upbeat music)
00:32:36 (audience applauding)
00:32:39 - Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to meet
00:32:44 that little girl from Warsaw, Vermont.
00:32:47 That little soldier whose heroic smile
00:32:50 in the face of death has wrung tears and cheers
00:32:54 from the great stone heart of the city.
00:32:57 I humbly invite her now to take her place
00:33:00 beside all the great heroines of history,
00:33:04 our own Miss Hazel Flagg.
00:33:09 (upbeat music)
00:33:12 (audience applauding)
00:33:15 (upbeat music)
00:33:17 (audience applauding)
00:33:20 (upbeat music)
00:33:23 (audience applauding)
00:33:26 (upbeat music)
00:33:44 (audience applauding)
00:33:47 (upbeat music)
00:34:11 (audience applauding)
00:34:15 - Look, something has happened to Hazel.
00:34:26 - Hazel, Hazel, don't speak to me.
00:34:30 - Look out, young fella, let me at her.
00:34:33 - Has it, has it come?
00:34:34 - Doctor, I want to know the worst.
00:34:36 I don't want you to spare our feelings.
00:34:38 We go to press in 13 minutes.
00:34:40 (audience chattering)
00:34:44 - A chance, Doctor?
00:34:47 - I've been expecting something like this.
00:34:49 Let's get her out of here.
00:34:51 Quick.
00:34:52 (upbeat music)
00:34:55 - Please, everybody, take your seats.
00:34:58 Quiet, please, take your seats.
00:35:00 There must be no commotion.
00:35:02 The show must go on.
00:35:04 Hazel would want it that way.
00:35:06 (upbeat music)
00:35:09 - I'm disgusted with you, Hazel,
00:35:11 getting drunk in the middle of a memorial.
00:35:13 Now lie down like I tell you.
00:35:15 - I'm not drunk.
00:35:16 I just had a little sip or so,
00:35:18 and then all those buffaloes ran over me.
00:35:21 - They weren't buffaloes, they were horses.
00:35:23 - I might have been trampled to death.
00:35:26 - Don't yell, I tell you.
00:35:28 If somebody respectable could see you now,
00:35:30 that would be pretty, wouldn't it?
00:35:32 Shame on you.
00:35:33 Take your stockings off.
00:35:36 - Yeah, the doctor's taken them off himself.
00:35:38 ♪ It's three o'clock in the morning ♪
00:35:44 ♪ Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh ♪
00:35:47 - Hey, what are you doing?
00:35:50 ♪ It's three o'clock in the morning ♪
00:35:57 - If anything happens, we'll have to replate.
00:36:03 - That's all that counts to you, isn't it,
00:36:04 you bird brain with a headline for a heart?
00:36:08 That poor gallant little kid standing in front
00:36:10 of that goofy bunch of horses and smiling, just smiling.
00:36:13 - Don't waste copy on me, Wallace.
00:36:14 - Oliver, there's the sweetest,
00:36:17 loveliest kid in there that ever lived.
00:36:19 - Yes, you said that before, Wally.
00:36:22 - I'm through.
00:36:23 I can't play pallbearer any longer.
00:36:25 I'm resigning.
00:36:26 - She's all right, gentlemen, sleeping like a little baby.
00:36:30 - No, are you sure?
00:36:32 - Just as if nothing had happened.
00:36:34 She'll be fitter than a fiddle in the morning.
00:36:36 ♪ Three o'clock in the morning ♪
00:36:39 (Wally singing)
00:36:42 (phone ringing)
00:36:46 - Oh.
00:36:49 Oh my gosh, Miss Rafferty, Miss Rafferty.
00:36:54 Oh, make them stop ringing that phone,
00:36:56 or I'll break my head open.
00:36:58 Hello?
00:37:00 I don't want to talk to anybody.
00:37:02 - Just a minute.
00:37:03 There are 20 little schoolchildren downstairs
00:37:05 to sing for you.
00:37:07 Mr. Stone arranged for it yesterday.
00:37:09 - Oh, it's horrible.
00:37:10 I'll go mad.
00:37:11 Send them up.
00:37:15 - You may bring them up, sir.
00:37:17 - Oh my gosh, there's a sawmill inside my head.
00:37:21 - You may leave the room, Miss Rafferty.
00:37:23 I brought you something.
00:37:31 Raw egg.
00:37:33 Just what you need.
00:37:36 The albumen counteracts the alcohol.
00:37:40 Suck 'em right down, settle your stomach.
00:37:49 Go on, I got a whole dozen.
00:37:51 - Is this the way drunks feel?
00:37:54 - Hazel, you've got what is known in medicine
00:37:56 as a hangover.
00:37:57 - I've got something worse than that.
00:38:01 I've got a conscience.
00:38:02 (egg splatters)
00:38:03 Ow.
00:38:04 - Keep on sucking that egg
00:38:05 and your conscience will go away.
00:38:06 - I'm ruining him.
00:38:09 - Let me have your pulse, Hazel.
00:38:12 (Hazel grunts)
00:38:14 - Don't jiggle me!
00:38:15 My pulse is all right.
00:38:16 I'm as healthy as an ox.
00:38:18 - Well, stop groaning then.
00:38:20 - You old fraud, you know what I'm groaning about?
00:38:23 Oh, I wish I had radium poisoning or something awful
00:38:26 and then I wouldn't ruin him.
00:38:28 - Who's this you're ruining, Hazel?
00:38:30 - Wallace, Mr. Cooke.
00:38:31 - Oh, him.
00:38:32 Have another egg.
00:38:34 - Enoch, listen, he thinks I've helped him
00:38:35 become a great journalist
00:38:37 and they're gonna give him a bonus.
00:38:38 Mr. Stone is a bonus.
00:38:40 - It's coming out of the $10,000 they owe me.
00:38:42 If I'm not complaining, why should he worry?
00:38:45 - He thinks I've helped him
00:38:46 and it makes him feel bad.
00:38:48 Oh, I can't stand it.
00:38:50 You know what'll happen when they find out
00:38:51 I'm a horrible, good-for-nothing fake?
00:38:53 They'll blame him, everybody.
00:38:55 They'll just burn down the newspaper
00:38:57 and the mayor, he'll have Wally Lynch.
00:38:59 You just wait and see.
00:39:00 Oh, Enoch, why did you let me come to New York?
00:39:04 You were only as honest as you look.
00:39:06 (knocking)
00:39:09 - Mr. Cooke is here to see Miss Flagg.
00:39:11 Do you feel able to speak to him?
00:39:12 - Oh, yes.
00:39:13 Tell him I wish.
00:39:14 Tell him to come in.
00:39:23 - Come in.
00:39:24 Come in.
00:39:25 - Oh, hello, Hazel.
00:39:34 - Hello.
00:39:35 - Hello, Doctor.
00:39:36 It won't hurt her if I visit a while.
00:39:42 - She's doing very well for her last few weeks.
00:39:44 - See, I'm glad to hear that, Hazel.
00:39:51 I was, we were worried.
00:39:54 Excuse me.
00:39:55 I wouldn't have disturbed you, but I'm going away
00:40:00 and I thought I might not see you again.
00:40:02 - You're going away where?
00:40:03 - Oh, just to Albany.
00:40:07 - What for?
00:40:07 - Just to see the governor.
00:40:09 - Wallace, what are you doing in Albany with the governor?
00:40:11 - Well, Hazel, you mustn't get overwrought.
00:40:13 - Well, if it's about me, I must know about it.
00:40:16 - It's about the arrangements, Hazel.
00:40:19 - What arrangements?
00:40:20 - For the funeral.
00:40:23 - What funeral?
00:40:25 - Yours.
00:40:26 - Oh.
00:40:27 - Have I, have I shocked you?
00:40:31 - Oh, no, oh, no.
00:40:32 Everybody has to have a funeral sometime.
00:40:34 - Oh, but not like yours, darling.
00:40:36 Gee, I meant to keep it as a surprise.
00:40:40 - Oh, it's better this way.
00:40:42 You're telling me in advance so I can get used to it.
00:40:45 Oh, I hope it's gonna be a little funeral.
00:40:47 - Oh, I'm afraid that's way, way impossible, Hazel.
00:40:50 According to the present registration,
00:40:52 there'll be about 30,000 automobiles
00:40:54 and a considerable group on foot.
00:40:56 About half a million, I think.
00:40:58 - Oh, my.
00:41:00 - Well, that's not half enough to mourn for you.
00:41:03 Oliver thought we could get the president,
00:41:06 but he's still fishing.
00:41:08 I arranged to have the symphony orchestra there instead.
00:41:12 - Well, if it's all arranged, why are you going to Albany?
00:41:14 - Well, I had an idea this morning.
00:41:17 I'm getting the governor to declare a public holiday
00:41:20 for the occasion.
00:41:22 - Oh, like St. Valentine's Day.
00:41:23 - I'm glad I told you.
00:41:25 Hazel, I want you to know now and always,
00:41:29 I think you're magnificent.
00:41:30 - Oh, please, please don't say that.
00:41:33 Do you have to go away?
00:41:34 - Well, I'll be back by night.
00:41:36 I've got another surprise for you,
00:41:38 but I'll not tell you now.
00:41:39 - Oh, I've got to hear it.
00:41:41 - Well, I promised you I wouldn't do this.
00:41:46 - You wouldn't do what?
00:41:47 - Call in any other doctors.
00:41:49 Hazel, I know you have great faith in Enoch,
00:41:52 but I've broken my promise.
00:41:54 Dr. Emil Eggelhoffer is arriving on the wrecks this afternoon.
00:41:58 He's from Vienna, and I'm bringing him up to see you.
00:42:01 - What for?
00:42:02 - Hazel, he is the greatest expert
00:42:04 on radium poisoning in the world.
00:42:06 I know it's incurable,
00:42:07 but when I heard he was on the wrecks, I radioed him.
00:42:10 There's always an outside chance,
00:42:12 you know, just one in a million.
00:42:14 You know, I'm sorry.
00:42:17 I've got to run to get the 10 o'clock plane.
00:42:20 Hazel, I know it's a long shot,
00:42:22 but we can hope, hmm?
00:42:25 Goodbye.
00:42:27 - Goodbye.
00:42:29 - Pardon.
00:42:33 - The little children are here, Hazel.
00:42:41 - What little children?
00:42:42 - They've come to sing for you.
00:42:44 - Enoch, this is the end.
00:42:45 Don't ask any questions, just listen to me.
00:42:47 We're caught.
00:42:47 Mr. Eaglehoof is coming here tonight to expose me and Wally.
00:42:50 - You've got nothing to fear
00:42:51 from any doctor who comes snooping around here.
00:42:54 Better have another egg.
00:42:56 - Oh, there's only one way out.
00:42:57 There's only one way to save you and me and Wally.
00:42:59 I've got to commit suicide in advance
00:43:01 before that scientist gets to me.
00:43:02 I've got to be drowned.
00:43:03 - Oh, suck this egg, I tell you.
00:43:05 - Oh, shut up, I'll leave a note to the city
00:43:07 thanking everybody.
00:43:08 You, you get rid of the nurse for the evening,
00:43:10 and then I'll jump into the river.
00:43:11 Somebody's bound to see me jump in,
00:43:12 and you'll be waiting in a rowboat to fish me out.
00:43:15 Then I'll swim underwater, and I'll change my name,
00:43:17 and hide away for the rest of my life,
00:43:20 and never, never see him again.
00:43:22 Oh, they'll haul the funeral without me.
00:43:25 (sobs)
00:43:27 (horn honks)
00:43:30 ♪ For you, Hazel, we are cheering ♪
00:43:35 ♪ Now the end is coming nearing ♪
00:43:39 ♪ Like an angel you're appearing ♪
00:43:43 ♪ Hooray for Hazel Flagg ♪
00:43:48 ♪ Gow-an Hazel Flagg, believe us ♪
00:43:52 ♪ Your passing will so deeply grieve us ♪
00:43:56 ♪ When you and me have to leave us ♪
00:44:00 ♪ Three cheers for Hazel Flagg ♪
00:44:05 ♪ Hazel Flagg is going fast ♪
00:44:07 ♪ She's dabbing with the tide ♪
00:44:09 ♪ She's riding waves of glory ♪
00:44:11 ♪ You know that ain't another's die ♪
00:44:14 ♪ Hazel Flagg is going to land ♪
00:44:16 ♪ For his men above ♪
00:44:17 (screams)
00:44:19 (screams)
00:44:21 (footsteps)
00:44:24 (footsteps)
00:44:26 (footsteps)
00:44:28 (footsteps)
00:44:31 (footsteps)
00:44:33 - Hello, honey.
00:45:00 This is Ernest.
00:45:02 Honey, what kind of flowers do you like?
00:45:04 Huh?
00:45:06 Don't worry, honey, they're all the same price.
00:45:09 I'm getting them wholesale.
00:45:11 Be right up, honey.
00:45:13 (footsteps)
00:45:17 (whispering)
00:45:19 (dramatic music)
00:45:45 - Hello, get me the morning star quick.
00:45:47 - Who committed suicide?
00:45:49 Read it to me.
00:45:52 - Dear New York City, goodbye.
00:45:55 Remember me as someone you made very happy.
00:45:59 I have enjoyed everything.
00:46:02 There's only one thing left to enjoy.
00:46:05 Your river that smiles outside of my window.
00:46:10 It is easy to die when the heart is full of gratitude.
00:46:15 Hazel Flagg.
00:46:16 - Hello, Oliver.
00:46:20 Oh, we got our holiday.
00:46:21 The governor has agreed to--
00:46:23 - Shut up.
00:46:23 Jumping H. Celeste.
00:46:27 She's double-crossed us.
00:46:28 - Who has?
00:46:29 - Miss Flagg.
00:46:31 - She's gone over to some other paper?
00:46:32 - She's gone into the river.
00:46:34 - Listen, you weasel brain,
00:46:35 what are you trying to tell me?
00:46:37 - Hazel Flagg has committed suicide.
00:46:40 - I don't believe it.
00:46:41 - Ernest, your sultan found her suicide note.
00:46:44 He saw her leave the hotel five minutes ago.
00:46:48 - Give me the mayor at once.
00:46:50 - Get the governor.
00:46:51 Tell him we want that holiday tomorrow.
00:46:52 - You're a fine pair of gravediggers,
00:46:54 you and the governor both.
00:46:55 Hello, hello, mayor.
00:46:56 This is Wallace Cook of the Star calling.
00:46:58 (dramatic music)
00:47:01 (screaming)
00:47:03 - One, two, three.
00:47:29 Enoch, Enoch.
00:47:30 - Okay, Hazel, okay.
00:47:34 - One, two.
00:47:38 - Hazel, stop.
00:47:41 Stop, stop.
00:47:46 - What's the devil's the matter with you?
00:47:51 What are you trying to do?
00:47:53 (dramatic music)
00:47:57 (splashing)
00:47:59 - Wally, Wally, are you all right?
00:48:09 - Sure, I'm all right.
00:48:11 But I can't swim.
00:48:13 Get in.
00:48:15 - Oh, Wally.
00:48:17 I've got a ship.
00:48:18 - Wally, I'm sorry.
00:48:22 I'm sorry.
00:48:23 - I'm sorry.
00:48:24 - I'm sorry.
00:48:25 - Stop.
00:48:28 It's a fine, sweet trick you tried to play.
00:48:45 - Well, why didn't you say it all to me?
00:48:47 - Jumping off up here like some hophead.
00:48:48 - I didn't jump, I was pushed.
00:48:49 - Scaring everybody out of their wits?
00:48:51 - Stop, Wally, I'm all set.
00:48:52 - Listen, either you give me your word of honor
00:48:53 or I'll spank you a little.
00:48:55 - Oh, Wallace, don't you think you ought to notify him
00:48:56 that you've located me?
00:48:57 You know, it seems unfair to have him dragging the river.
00:48:59 - Oh, the fresh air will do him good.
00:49:01 Come on, I want to talk to you.
00:49:03 - Wally.
00:49:04 (knocking)
00:49:05 - This is as good a place as any.
00:49:07 Get in.
00:49:07 - Oh, it's awfully cozy, isn't it?
00:49:13 Are you still mad at me?
00:49:15 - I'm mad at myself.
00:49:17 Drooling away to you about the funeral.
00:49:19 That's what drove you to it.
00:49:20 - Well, to be really frank with you, Wallace,
00:49:21 it wasn't that at all.
00:49:23 - Oh, darling, I'd love to sit in here with you
00:49:25 for the rest of my life.
00:49:26 - Hazel.
00:49:33 Will you marry me?
00:49:36 - What?
00:49:37 - You heard me, will you marry me?
00:49:40 - Oh, Wally.
00:49:41 - Come on, answer me.
00:49:43 - Oh, but darling, there's no future in it.
00:49:45 - Now don't talk like a half-wit.
00:49:46 I don't care about the future.
00:49:48 - Oh, Wally, things are normal.
00:49:50 Oh, Wally, I, I mustn't.
00:49:53 Don't ask me.
00:49:53 Please just kiss me once more and let it go at that
00:49:55 without, without ruining your life.
00:49:58 - So what the devil is the better life than we've got?
00:50:01 A handful of perfect dollars.
00:50:03 That, that's all the luckiest ever get out of it.
00:50:05 Just a handful of hours to save and remember.
00:50:08 And then I'll be there at the end, sailor.
00:50:12 I'll be there waving you goodbye.
00:50:15 We'll be the same as if you and I had lived forever.
00:50:18 And you will grow old in my heart.
00:50:23 - Oh, please.
00:50:24 (knocking)
00:50:31 - You seen anything of a young lady
00:50:33 that jumped in the river?
00:50:34 - Yeah, she's right here.
00:50:36 - All right, get the bull motor.
00:50:38 - Oh, nevermind the bull motor.
00:50:41 Oh, her breathing's fine.
00:50:42 Drive us to her hotel, will you?
00:50:46 - Sure, jump in.
00:50:48 (soft music)
00:50:50 (speaking in foreign language)
00:51:03 - Oh, oh, thank you.
00:51:07 - You're welcome.
00:51:08 - Thank you.
00:51:11 - You're welcome.
00:51:12 You're welcome.
00:51:18 - Looks as if I finally get my ride on a fire engine.
00:51:20 (speaking in foreign language)
00:51:24 Okay, Jim.
00:51:27 (dramatic music)
00:51:31 (screaming)
00:51:46 - I think I'll go down and bat out the story.
00:51:48 Oliver's having a cat fit.
00:51:50 - You know, I've been misjudging him.
00:51:52 When I told him you were safe and sound,
00:51:53 he choked up and he couldn't talk for a minute.
00:51:56 - Oh, I guess he's very sweet.
00:51:59 - Yeah, well, I'll see you in the morning.
00:52:01 Have a good sleep.
00:52:03 Good night.
00:52:05 - Yes, sir.
00:52:06 Oh, it's a big fire.
00:52:08 Oh, if you ever hate me, remember this and this and this.
00:52:13 (dramatic music)
00:52:16 - The biggest fire since Rome.
00:52:23 - Well, well, well, hello, Angel.
00:52:40 Come in.
00:52:41 I was wondering what ever become of you.
00:52:43 - Enoch, who is that man?
00:52:47 Enoch, who is that man?
00:52:49 - Oh, he's just a stranger from Europe.
00:52:51 Dropped in for a little chat.
00:52:52 We've been discussing medicine pro and con.
00:52:56 Well, excuse me.
00:52:57 I wanted to introduce you to Hazel Flagg.
00:53:02 Mr, what did you say your name was?
00:53:04 - Egelhofer, Dr. Emil Egelhofer.
00:53:08 - Dr. Offalegger?
00:53:10 Seems to me I've heard of you somewhere, doctor.
00:53:13 - Oh, Enoch, sit down now.
00:53:14 - I received a radio on the ship
00:53:17 from the morning star, Miss Flagg,
00:53:19 which excited my professional as well as humane interest.
00:53:23 And I called on you at once.
00:53:24 (phone buzzing)
00:53:27 Ah, that must be my colleagues.
00:53:29 - Good night, gentlemen.
00:53:32 This is the young lady, Miss Hazel Flagg.
00:53:39 Dr. Oswald Funch of Prague.
00:53:41 Dr. Felix Marachovsky of Moscow.
00:53:46 Dr. Friedrich Kirchenweiser of Berlin.
00:53:51 ♪ All the darkies and the weeping masses ♪
00:53:58 ♪ In the cold, cold ground ♪
00:54:06 - There is no vestige, no trace, no single symptom
00:54:11 of radium poisoning in this young woman, Mr. Stone.
00:54:13 We had some trouble with that horse doctor from Vermont.
00:54:19 But we took the X-rays regardless.
00:54:22 - Are you sure you examined the right woman?
00:54:27 And not some, some imposter?
00:54:30 - Oh, the only imposter in this case, Mr. Stone,
00:54:35 is this young woman we examined.
00:54:37 The young woman who is known as Hazel Flagg.
00:54:39 Here's the full report of this examination.
00:54:45 Here's the X-ray pictures showing the entire skeleton
00:54:49 of this young woman known as Hazel Flagg.
00:54:52 And here, Mr. Stone, is my bill.
00:54:55 (clears throat)
00:54:57 Our bill.
00:54:58 And I will assure you, not me or my colleagues
00:55:03 will say one single word of this to the newspaper.
00:55:07 Goodbye.
00:55:15 You have nothing more to worry about, Mr. Stone.
00:55:18 Your troubles are over.
00:55:20 - Send me up four sluggers from the circulation department.
00:55:32 (door slams)
00:55:34 - Got a bulletin in the new lead for you on Hazel Flagg
00:55:44 that's gonna read that sour puss of yours
00:55:46 into a nosegay of smiles.
00:55:47 Well, sit tight and tuck in your ears.
00:55:50 Miss Flagg is getting married tonight.
00:55:53 And wish me luck, old weasel brain, it's me.
00:56:00 (gentle music)
00:56:03 Now listen, I know it sounds hysterical,
00:56:05 marrying somebody with a few weeks to live.
00:56:07 Like honeymooning with a hearse at the front door.
00:56:11 But Oliver, it's on the square.
00:56:14 What's the matter with you?
00:56:21 Listen, I want you to be best man up.
00:56:22 Is he a student or something?
00:56:26 I came in for congratulations.
00:56:27 What's up, what's eating you?
00:56:31 - I am sitting here, Mr. Cook,
00:56:34 trying to figure some way out of the blackest disaster
00:56:39 that has ever struck down an innocent man
00:56:41 since the days of Judas Iscariot.
00:56:45 - What are you mumbling about, what disaster?
00:56:48 - I am sitting here, Mr. Cook,
00:56:50 toying with the idea of removing your heart
00:56:55 and stuffing it like an olive.
00:56:58 - Hang on, Oliver, you're going screwy.
00:56:59 I'll get water.
00:57:00 - You'll ruin me, you'll ruin the morning star.
00:57:04 You'll blacken forever the fair name of journalism.
00:57:07 You and that foul botch of nature, Hazel Flagg.
00:57:10 (door slams)
00:57:12 - You got some excuse for those words, Oliver.
00:57:14 Let's have it quick.
00:57:15 - Excuse, excuse!
00:57:17 Look at that!
00:57:18 Look at that skeleton, not a bone missing.
00:57:22 Down to the last healthy vertebra intact.
00:57:26 Read that, rub your nose in it.
00:57:28 That's Hazel Flagg, the biggest fake of the century.
00:57:31 A lying, faking witch with the soul of an eel
00:57:35 and the brain of a tarantula.
00:57:36 - She hasn't got anything wrong with her at all.
00:57:39 Sweet heaven, I can't believe it.
00:57:41 It's like some miracle.
00:57:44 - Get to the Waldorf Hotel as quick as you can.
00:57:47 Grab Hazel Flagg and bring her to this office.
00:57:48 If you have to, drag her through the street by the hair.
00:57:51 - So help me, Oliver, if you hurt that kid,
00:57:52 I'll knock your cold, I'll bring him.
00:57:53 - You stay here and watch that maniac.
00:57:55 Watch every move he makes.
00:57:57 I want Hazel Flagg in this office within half an hour.
00:58:00 You're staying here.
00:58:01 - Listen, Oliver, you're not gonna hurt her.
00:58:03 - Shut up!
00:58:04 - I'm marrying her.
00:58:05 Get that into that monkey skull of yours.
00:58:06 I don't care how we've been taken
00:58:07 or what she's done, I'm in love with her.
00:58:09 - Oh, that's a beautiful thought.
00:58:10 - And I thank God on my knees that she's a fraud
00:58:12 and a fake and isn't going to die.
00:58:13 - You're on your knees thanking God, are you,
00:58:15 when the whole town's getting ready to laugh at us.
00:58:17 Howls, it'll be heard around the world.
00:58:19 - Let 'em laugh, I'll do my own laughing back.
00:58:21 - It'll be worse than the French Revolution.
00:58:23 - I hope I'm here when it breaks.
00:58:25 I wanna make one speech to our dear readers
00:58:27 before they carry our heads off on a pike.
00:58:29 I wanna tell 'em we've been their benefactors.
00:58:31 We gave 'em a chance to pretend
00:58:33 that their phony hearts were dripping
00:58:34 with the milk of human kindness.
00:58:36 - What's your name?
00:58:38 - Who, me?
00:58:39 Max.
00:58:40 - I want quiet in this office, Max.
00:58:41 Quiet so I can think!
00:58:46 - Hazel Flagg's a fraud, eh?
00:58:48 - Daddy!
00:58:49 - So when you start yelling foul,
00:58:50 remember she was just a circulation stunt for you.
00:58:52 You used her like you've used every broken heart
00:58:54 that's fallen into your knapsack
00:58:55 to inflame the daffy public and help sell your papers.
00:58:58 That's her up about selling papers.
00:59:00 - Here we go, here we go.
00:59:05 - Go help him, Max.
00:59:06 - Oh, come on.
00:59:07 - Before I finish with that female Dracula,
00:59:16 she'll know one thing,
00:59:17 that Oliver Stone is worse than radium poisoning
00:59:20 four ways from the jack.
00:59:21 (phone ringing)
00:59:24 - Hello, hello?
00:59:27 Who, Moe?
00:59:29 Moe who?
00:59:30 Who's Moe Levinsky?
00:59:32 - That's my brother.
00:59:33 You sent him over to get that girl, remember?
00:59:35 - Uh-oh, Moe, listen.
00:59:37 What?
00:59:38 What's that?
00:59:39 Well, what are you stalling for?
00:59:41 Get her back here to the office as I ordered.
00:59:43 Get the mush out of your mouth, man, and speak up.
00:59:46 - He's a dumb cluck, Mr. Stone.
00:59:48 You better let me talk to him.
00:59:50 - Well, just get him excited, then he's gone.
00:59:52 - Hello, Moe?
00:59:54 This is Max.
00:59:56 What's on your mind?
00:59:57 Uh-huh.
01:00:00 Uh-huh.
01:00:02 That's a shame.
01:00:04 - What is it?
01:00:05 - I'm getting it.
01:00:07 Go on, Moe, and take it easy.
01:00:09 Uh-huh.
01:00:11 Uh-huh.
01:00:13 You're a dumb jerk.
01:00:15 Look, Moe, hold the wire, will you?
01:00:18 I'll take it up with Mr. Stone.
01:00:19 - Well?
01:00:20 - He wants to know where he can get a doctor.
01:00:22 This girl is sick.
01:00:23 - Who's sick?
01:00:25 - This girl, Hazel Flagg.
01:00:26 - It's a lie!
01:00:27 - Listen, Max, ask him what she's sick with.
01:00:29 - He told me.
01:00:30 He said it's something like the DTs.
01:00:33 Only the dope can't pronounce it.
01:00:35 - Well, there's a nurse there.
01:00:36 - Just a minute.
01:00:38 Hello, Moe?
01:00:39 Hello, Moe?
01:00:40 - This is Max.
01:00:42 - Your brother, Max!
01:00:43 He's getting rattled.
01:00:46 Now, don't fly off the handle, Moe.
01:00:48 All I want to know is the noise there.
01:00:50 - No, not a noise.
01:00:53 Noise, like a tootsie.
01:00:56 - That's right.
01:00:57 - Uh-huh.
01:00:59 Uh-huh.
01:01:01 - Give me that phone.
01:01:02 - I'm getting it.
01:01:03 - Give me that phone, I tell you!
01:01:05 - Here's the noise.
01:01:08 - Mr. Epperty, Oliver Stone.
01:01:10 Pneumonia?
01:01:12 It's a lie, I tell you.
01:01:13 Temperature of 106?
01:01:15 Dying?
01:01:16 Go back and take her temperature again.
01:01:18 - I don't trust that girl until I get a doctor.
01:01:20 - No, not Dr. Downer!
01:01:22 Tell Moe to throw that Vermont quack out of the room
01:01:25 the minute he shows his face.
01:01:27 Get me Moe!
01:01:28 - Pneumonia?
01:01:29 It's the finger of God, if it's true.
01:01:31 - Listen, Moe, don't let anybody leave that room
01:01:34 until I get there.
01:01:36 Dead or alive, nobody leaves that room.
01:01:38 Get me?
01:01:39 It's like a pardon from the gallows,
01:01:41 but I'm trusting nobody this time.
01:01:43 I'm taking no chances.
01:01:45 - Hello?
01:01:46 Get me Dr. Emil Eggelhofer of Vienna.
01:01:49 Wherever he is.
01:01:50 Well, try all the hotels.
01:01:51 - Listen, Oliver, I'm going over there.
01:01:54 And if you try to stop me, so help me,
01:01:56 I'll get you if it takes all my life.
01:01:58 - Nobody is going to stop you now.
01:02:00 If that little girl is sick, your place is by her side.
01:02:02 Yes, Dr. Emil Eggelhofer of Vienna.
01:02:07 Well, try the medical center.
01:02:09 Try Schulz's Beer Garden.
01:02:12 - All right.
01:02:13 - No, I don't want to see the mayor.
01:02:21 Take the mayor away from me.
01:02:22 I want Wallace.
01:02:24 Wallace, where are you?
01:02:26 - Cut out the shenanigans, will you?
01:02:27 We haven't got any time to lose.
01:02:29 - Wally, Wally, I'm on fire.
01:02:32 - Now shut up for a minute and listen to me.
01:02:34 Eggelhofer's gonna be here in 10 or 15 minutes.
01:02:36 - Eggelhofer?
01:02:37 - Dr. Emil Eggelhofer of Vienna.
01:02:42 - I knew you were faking the minute I-
01:02:43 - Wally, they were gonna arrest me.
01:02:44 I couldn't get away.
01:02:45 You know, I put the thermometer under the hot water
01:02:47 and threw a fit.
01:02:48 Oh, Wally, you'd hate me.
01:02:50 I knew you'd hate me.
01:02:51 I told you, I told you.
01:02:53 - Let's not go into that now.
01:02:55 - Oh, Eggelhofer, you'll expose me again.
01:02:57 There's four of them.
01:02:58 - Now keep your head and listen to me.
01:03:00 - Oh, you hate me.
01:03:01 - Now shut up.
01:03:02 Where's the hot water?
01:03:03 - In there.
01:03:04 - As if I didn't know.
01:03:05 Have you got two thermometers?
01:03:09 - Three, I've got three.
01:03:10 - Throw one up.
01:03:12 - You'll never forgive me for what I've done to you.
01:03:14 Wally, I wanna die, honest.
01:03:16 I don't wanna live another minute.
01:03:17 - Must have been a lot of fun playing me
01:03:19 for the world's prize, chump.
01:03:20 Where's the other thermometer?
01:03:22 Wallace Cook, king of the boobs.
01:03:23 The only genuine horse's neck on the market.
01:03:26 - I didn't mean it, really, I didn't-
01:03:27 - All right, shut up and listen to the greatest sucker
01:03:29 in Christendom and listen hard.
01:03:31 Eggelhofer is coming.
01:03:32 - With his gang?
01:03:33 - What gang?
01:03:34 - Well, he's got a wagon load of scientists with him,
01:03:35 with, you know, microscopes and a searchlight.
01:03:37 Oh, I'm sunk, I give up.
01:03:40 - Get out of bed.
01:03:41 - No, no, let them arrest me and put me in prison.
01:03:44 You won't hate me so much if I'm behind bars.
01:03:47 - Listen, my dying swan, this is no time to stop faking.
01:03:50 You're gonna have pneumonia and you're gonna have it good.
01:03:52 - What, you want me to stand in front of a window
01:03:53 and catch cold?
01:03:54 - No, that would take too long.
01:03:56 You've gotta raise your pulse to 160, quick.
01:04:00 You've gotta have your gasping panting
01:04:01 and covered with a cold sweat inside of five minutes.
01:04:04 - How?
01:04:05 - Oh, I don't, fight, fight.
01:04:07 Come on, come on, Delilah, up with your juice.
01:04:09 - No, I can't, I'm sick of faking and lying.
01:04:13 - Take that ice pack off your head and fight.
01:04:14 - No, no, what's the use?
01:04:16 Why fool them any longer?
01:04:18 - Because I love you.
01:04:20 Because I'm going to marry you
01:04:23 when I don't wanna spend my honeymoon
01:04:24 hanging around, sing-sing, blowing kisses to you
01:04:26 in the exercise yard.
01:04:27 Come on, stop dogging it.
01:04:29 You've got to be bathed in perspiration.
01:04:31 Come on, get going, you little crook.
01:04:33 - Who's a crook?
01:04:35 You and your crooked newspaper.
01:04:37 - The baby?
01:04:38 Come on, keep moving, snake brains.
01:04:39 - Come on, I'll kill you.
01:04:41 Banging at me like I ran,
01:04:43 like I was a prize pig with a blue ribbon on.
01:04:45 - Oh, blue ribbons on you, baby.
01:04:47 Just a big yellow sign marked fake.
01:04:49 - Huh?
01:04:50 I'm a fake, huh?
01:04:51 I'm a fake, what are you and that phony Santa Claus
01:04:53 Oliver Stone slobbering and drooling over me?
01:04:56 That's where that heroine's of history.
01:04:58 - And that's where your aunt married.
01:05:00 Come on, keep moving, my little fraud.
01:05:01 - I'll never forgive you as long as I live.
01:05:03 I won't, I just hate you, I just hate you.
01:05:05 (coughing)
01:05:08 Let go of me.
01:05:09 Oh, I hate you.
01:05:12 - You're gonna have plenty of reason to hate me.
01:05:17 I'm gonna show you cards and spades
01:05:18 and lying for the next 50 years.
01:05:20 I'm gonna pay you back for every lie you told.
01:05:21 I'm gonna flirt and lie and cheat and swindle
01:05:23 right through to our golden wedding.
01:05:25 - Yeah, yeah, let me hit you just once.
01:05:26 - All right, come on.
01:05:28 That's it, that's it, come on, keep coming.
01:05:30 Faster, faster, come on, keep coming.
01:05:32 Faster, faster, that's it, keep swinging.
01:05:34 That's the girl, that's it.
01:05:37 What's the matter, come on.
01:05:38 - Oh, I'm getting dizzy.
01:05:40 - Are you?
01:05:41 Well, that's fine, that's fine.
01:05:43 Now listen to me and listen carefully.
01:05:44 When you come to, I want you to remember what I'm saying.
01:05:46 - What do you mean, come to?
01:05:47 - I mean when you regain consciousness.
01:05:49 I want you to switch thermometers.
01:05:51 Put the hot one in your mouth, you get me?
01:05:53 - Yeah, yeah, let me sock you just once.
01:05:55 Just once on the jaw and I don't care what happens.
01:05:58 - All right, come on, come on.
01:06:00 Let's just throw the elevator door, they're coming.
01:06:02 Don't forget about the thermometer.
01:06:03 - Yeah, yeah.
01:06:04 - All right, say goodnight to Papa now.
01:06:06 - Well, what are you gonna do?
01:06:09 (door slams)
01:06:11 (woman moaning)
01:06:33 (dramatic music)
01:06:36 - You put up a nice fight, Wally.
01:06:44 - You mean to say you saw the whole thing?
01:06:50 - From the beginning, Mr. Cook.
01:06:52 - You mean to say you stood there
01:06:53 and let me beat up a defenseless woman?
01:06:55 - I did, Mr. Cook.
01:06:57 - Where's your sense of chivalry?
01:06:58 - My chivalry?
01:06:59 Aren't you just a trifle confused, Mr. Cook?
01:07:01 You hit her.
01:07:02 - That's entirely different, I love her!
01:07:05 - Water, water.
01:07:19 I'm fine, I'm fine.
01:07:23 - You can cool off now, Hazel.
01:07:26 The jig is up.
01:07:28 - What?
01:07:29 - The jig is up.
01:07:32 - You mean to say the whole thing was for nothing?
01:07:35 - I'm sorry.
01:07:36 - You thought you could put one over on Oliver Stone, eh?
01:07:38 Well, I guess I still know a fake one.
01:07:39 - You keep out of this.
01:07:41 - Wally.
01:07:44 - Yes, dear?
01:07:45 - Oh, Wally, Wally, I didn't mean to do it,
01:07:55 I didn't mean to do it.
01:07:56 I love you, I love you.
01:08:02 - Miss Flagg, I wonder if you are aware
01:08:04 of the traditions of a great newspaper.
01:08:07 Do you realize what it means to those
01:08:09 who carry aloft the torch of journalism?
01:08:11 From the highest editor to the lowest office boy,
01:08:14 the lifeblood of a newspaper, Miss Flagg, is its integrity.
01:08:18 Am I right, Wally?
01:08:19 - Word for word.
01:08:21 I wrote that speech for you 10 years ago
01:08:24 at the Cleveland Convention, you remember?
01:08:27 - You can both talk all you want.
01:08:28 I've made up my mind.
01:08:30 - Your what?
01:08:31 - I'm through.
01:08:32 - What do you mean, you're through?
01:08:33 - I'm gonna confess, I'm going back to Warsaw.
01:08:35 They love me there.
01:08:36 They don't hit me on the jaw and push me in rivers.
01:08:39 - But you can't confess.
01:08:40 Do you realize that out there are some
01:08:42 of the most important citizens of this town?
01:08:44 All of those people are out there
01:08:45 by special invitation from the morning star.
01:08:47 And why?
01:08:49 To pass on to the people of New York,
01:08:51 to the people of the world, your last words.
01:08:55 - For instance?
01:08:56 - Now, this is no time for sarcasm, Wally.
01:08:58 You got me into this, you get me out.
01:09:00 - Use your brain.
01:09:01 - Mine's stunned.
01:09:03 - Where's Dr. Downer?
01:09:04 Where's that weasel-hearted medical?
01:09:07 - He's been on a toot.
01:09:08 - We could use him.
01:09:09 We could throw him to the wolves.
01:09:12 Just when we need him, he isn't here.
01:09:14 - I got an idea.
01:09:17 We can bury her, like they do in India.
01:09:20 You know, like the yogis.
01:09:22 We can stick a tube down for her to breathe through
01:09:25 and dig her up in the morning with no harm done.
01:09:29 - You do it, you idiot!
01:09:31 - Wally, stop her!
01:09:32 Stop her!
01:09:33 - I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool!
01:09:37 I'm a fake, I'm a fool, I'm not gonna die.
01:09:38 I was never gonna die.
01:09:39 I never had radium poisoning, I never had anything.
01:09:42 I wanted a trip to New York and I got it.
01:09:44 And what's more, you and New York can go, fine!
01:09:47 - Mr. Stone, is this true?
01:09:49 - Uh, yes.
01:09:51 - Well, this is terrible, terrible.
01:09:56 I endorsed this thing.
01:09:57 I sponsored this girl.
01:09:59 I gave her the key to the city.
01:10:00 And just as an election was coming up.
01:10:02 - Here's your key, I won't be needing it anymore.
01:10:09 - Miss Flagg, I represent 100,000 young matrons.
01:10:13 We've switched the whole study course
01:10:15 from the menace of communism
01:10:16 to the inspiration of Hazel Flagg.
01:10:18 - Miss Flagg, the Girl Friends of the Forest
01:10:21 have just organized a Hazel Flagg unit
01:10:23 with me as chief ranger.
01:10:25 Already we have 4,000 members.
01:10:27 If you persist in flaunting your recovery
01:10:30 in this flagrant manner,
01:10:31 the trees of America will be without Girl Friends.
01:10:34 - The-
01:10:37 - Fine, they didn't let her join you as well as Girl Friends.
01:10:40 - Ladies and gentlemen,
01:10:41 the Morning Star keeps faith with its readers.
01:10:44 - This thing must not get out.
01:10:48 - Oh, let me alone, I wish I really could die.
01:10:50 Go someplace by myself and die alone, like an elephant!
01:10:56 (somber music)
01:10:58 (somber music)
01:11:01 (somber music)
01:11:03 (somber music)
01:11:25 (somber music)
01:11:28 (somber music)
01:11:53 (somber music)
01:11:56 - Happy, Mr. Cook?
01:11:59 - Ecstatic, Mrs. Cook.
01:12:03 (laughing)
01:12:05 - I know what you're gonna say,
01:12:15 you think I'm Hazel Flagg.
01:12:17 Well, I'm getting sick and tired
01:12:19 of people mistaking me for that fake.
01:12:21 - Fake?
01:12:22 Young woman, how dare you speak of Hazel Flagg as a fake?
01:12:25 How dare you slay the memory
01:12:27 of one of the most gallant girls that ever lived?
01:12:29 Despite you and your kind,
01:12:32 the world will never forget Hazel Flagg.
01:12:34 - That's what I'm afraid of.
01:12:38 - Don't worry, baby.
01:12:40 Two months from now, they won't know who Hazel Flagg was.
01:12:42 They'll find another elephant.
01:12:44 - Darling, you're forgetting that everybody in New York
01:12:46 knew me and loved me, loved me for my courage,
01:12:48 my brave smile and the face of,
01:12:50 well, after all, I was a pretty important person.
01:12:52 - Just a flash in the pan of Manhattan.
01:12:54 They were beginning to get pretty impatient
01:12:57 at the way you were dragging this thing out.
01:12:59 - That's a lie and you know it.
01:13:00 Why, right now, millions of people are crying
01:13:02 just thinking about me.
01:13:03 - Why don't you get wise to yourself, Hazel?
01:13:05 You were just another freak like the bearded lady,
01:13:07 Jojo the dog-faced.
01:13:08 - Take that back, or I'll--
01:13:09 - Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
01:13:11 - Hazel!
01:13:12 Hazel!
01:13:13 - Yes, Enoch?
01:13:14 What is it?
01:13:16 - Hazel!
01:13:16 Hazel!
01:13:20 Hazel!
01:13:22 Run for your life!
01:13:24 Run for your life!
01:13:25 The hotel is flooded!
01:13:27 Flooded!
01:13:29 (dramatic music)
01:13:32 (dramatic music)
01:13:35 (dramatic music)
01:13:38 (dramatic music)
01:13:40 [Music]
01:13:43 [BLANK_AUDIO]