Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 08- Calculating
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 08- Calculating
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00:00:30Dryest February ever, wettest March for 40 years.
00:00:39Yeah.
00:00:40It didn't rain at all, but was cold in May.
00:00:48Then it went hottest June ever.
00:00:53Since then, it's been...
00:00:54The wettest July.
00:00:57The wettest July and the coldest.
00:00:59Given that the weather had done the exact opposite of what we needed all year long,
00:01:09we were praying for an old-fashioned autumn with lots of warm sunshine.
00:01:14But no, the crucial harvesting month was also refusing to play ball.
00:01:21Today's going to be sunny.
00:01:24Look at it.
00:01:27And now Caleb had killed the crops off to ready them for the combine.
00:01:31The clock was ticking.
00:01:37The longer they sat in the field too wet to harvest, the more they would deteriorate.
00:01:45We need under 15.
00:01:4718.4.
00:01:48Shit.
00:01:49We're probably OK at nine.
00:01:5418.3.
00:01:56It has to be less than nine.
00:01:5917.5.
00:02:00Bollocks.
00:02:01Hiya.
00:02:02Have you done a moisture test?
00:02:03Oh, I can feel it's wet already.
00:02:0618.6.
00:02:07This year is an absolute pig.
00:02:08It just won't dry at all.
00:02:11What is it?
00:02:1217%.
00:02:13I think I've broken a record of how many times I can moisture test a field.
00:02:19Moisture test, moisture test, then moisture test again.
00:02:23Then do another moisture test.
00:02:30Get to the end of the day and go, no, it's not going to go today.
00:02:33To add to the pressure, Andy Cato was now worried about how well his wild farmed wheat
00:02:39field would perform.
00:02:42Morning.
00:02:43How are you?
00:02:44Good day.
00:02:45Because he feared he'd been too conservative with the nitrogen fertilizer.
00:02:50I don't think we've got it quite right here.
00:02:52We've ended up using an absolutely minuscule amount of nitrogen in this field,
00:02:56about 11 kilos.
00:02:58I think on, how much have you put on that field over there?
00:03:00No idea.
00:03:01A couple of hundred maybe?
00:03:02Caleb knows.
00:03:03Yeah.
00:03:04So a couple of hundred kilos on that and 11 too.
00:03:05I would guess.
00:03:06I don't know.
00:03:07But I guess it'd be somewhere around there.
00:03:08But I think we haven't quite got the balance quite right in this field.
00:03:11We've undercooked it a bit.
00:03:13It's just a little bit lacking in energy.
00:03:20After sitting on our hands for day after frustrating day,
00:03:25conditions did finally start to improve.
00:03:30Sounds better.
00:03:33Oats.
00:03:35We need under 15%.
00:03:3915% now.
00:03:42So by the time Simon gets here, that'll be fit to go.
00:03:46As usual, Charlie had gone on holiday for the harvest.
00:03:50This meant Caleb was fully in charge.
00:03:53So while we waited for the combine to arrive,
00:03:57he summoned me to his office for what he said was an important meeting.
00:04:08Hey-up.
00:04:09So this is...
00:04:11Welcome to my office.
00:04:13Well, how long have you had this?
00:04:15Well, since you made me farm manager.
00:04:18That's months ago.
00:04:19I know.
00:04:20I just cleared a bit of space and...
00:04:22Who's done your interior decoration?
00:04:24Nicky Haslam, is it?
00:04:25No, me.
00:04:27It's a works office.
00:04:32It's good.
00:04:33I found this table out the old shed out the back there.
00:04:35As well as this one here is actually just like a trestle with some...
00:04:39Oh, the electric's not the best in here.
00:04:42It's the shittest office I've ever been in.
00:04:44It's not. It's dry.
00:04:45You've got a washing machine, though.
00:04:47Yeah, and a tumble dryer.
00:04:49Anyway, more importantly, Charlie's in the US of A.
00:04:52I know.
00:04:53Yeah.
00:04:54Well, harvest is around the corner, so obviously...
00:04:56Exactly, so he's gone away.
00:04:57Yeah.
00:04:58But as farm manager now,
00:04:59it makes me responsible for the health and safety on this farm.
00:05:01Oh, God.
00:05:02Ten minutes, it's all it's going to take.
00:05:04I've got to go through this folder.
00:05:05What is it?
00:05:06You can read it if you want.
00:05:07Read all the risk assessments and stuff like that I've done.
00:05:09Have you done risk assessments?
00:05:11I've had to.
00:05:12Cos it's on my head.
00:05:13If you injure yourself now, yeah, do you know whose fault it is?
00:05:15Mine. I go to prison.
00:05:17And this fate isn't for prison.
00:05:19The other day, we were cutting stone for the car park, yes?
00:05:22Yeah.
00:05:23What happened when you pull up the drive?
00:05:25The trailer came up.
00:05:27Yeah.
00:05:28That's quite dangerous, though, because if there was overhead power...
00:05:30Why is it dangerous?
00:05:31Well, because there was overhead power cables.
00:05:32There aren't overhead power cables.
00:05:33OK, there isn't any, but if there was and you didn't realise...
00:05:35Well, there isn't.
00:05:36..you could have taken them out and killed maybe yourself or somebody else.
00:05:39But there isn't.
00:05:40Do you know the correct way to get out of a tractor
00:05:42if you've hit a power cable?
00:05:44No.
00:05:45The correct way to get out of a tractor,
00:05:48if you've touched a power cable, yeah,
00:05:50cos it was short through your tractor, yes,
00:05:52is to bunny hop.
00:05:53Open the door, top step and just jump as far as you can away from it.
00:05:57I can't bunny hop.
00:05:58You'll probably break your leg if you jump.
00:06:00My knees are not up to any...
00:06:02I'll sit in it cos the rubber tyres will insulate.
00:06:04Yeah, but you can't ring me then cos there's no signal.
00:06:07Why not?
00:06:08Cos the electricity will knock out your signal.
00:06:10And people will miss me after a while.
00:06:12I wouldn't.
00:06:15Anyway, have you got what three words on your phone?
00:06:18Yep.
00:06:19OK, just in case of an accident, you can tell me what specific three words
00:06:22and I'll know where you are.
00:06:23I don't understand what three words.
00:06:25I thought you had to choose the words.
00:06:27No.
00:06:28Cos it said, you choose three words for wherever you are,
00:06:31but I thought, well, if I send that to you,
00:06:33how do you know what three words I've chosen?
00:06:37I'm going to warm this one up.
00:06:40I promise.
00:06:42I promise.
00:06:43Honestly, I've got it on the phone and it said whatever,
00:06:47walnut, toffee, cat.
00:06:50Well, I don't want those words.
00:06:52Somebody else has chosen them.
00:06:54Yes.
00:06:55Well, I don't like that.
00:06:56I write newspaper columns.
00:06:57Nobody chooses the words for them.
00:06:59I choose the words.
00:07:00Yeah, but the person who wrote this three-word programme
00:07:03chose the words for each place.
00:07:05Anyway.
00:07:06Good.
00:07:07Right, at random.
00:07:09No smoking when refuelling.
00:07:11No.
00:07:12I never knew that.
00:07:14I always used to light up when I was filling up the car.
00:07:17Always.
00:07:18I wish you did.
00:07:25A couple of hours later, Caleb met up with Simon and his combine
00:07:29to harvest the oats he'd planted in the fields
00:07:32where the rape had failed.
00:07:35Have you got a walkie-talkie, Simon?
00:07:37Yeah, I've got you.
00:07:41And I suspect he was hoping to get it all done without my help.
00:07:48I think he's hoping I won't find him, but I shall.
00:07:51Then I shall offer my assistance and he will be happy.
00:07:58Good news, I'm here to help.
00:08:01Oh, no.
00:08:03You can have this trailer, I'll have the other trailer, OK?
00:08:07The trailer Caleb wanted me to use was only half full,
00:08:11so I had to hook it up and then carry on filling it.
00:08:18Genuinely, I still don't know how to hook a trailer up.
00:08:24Up, go up.
00:08:27Is that right?
00:08:28No.
00:08:29No.
00:08:30Use your joystick and lock it on the little button for the hydraulics.
00:08:35Need the hydraulics.
00:08:37Use that little...
00:08:40Is it locked or not?
00:08:41I don't bloody know.
00:08:42Is it locked on the little button?
00:08:44What?
00:08:46Are we ready?
00:08:48Roll forward a little bit more.
00:08:50What, backwards?
00:08:51You've got to go forward a little tiny bit.
00:08:54How can they refuel a fighter jet in mid-air at 30,000 feet
00:08:59and yet somehow farmers have not yet invented an easier way?
00:09:03I know you roll forward again.
00:09:04I have to roll forward!
00:09:07Whoa, shit.
00:09:08Hey!
00:09:10Now we're cooking.
00:09:12Only took fucking three hours.
00:09:15Right, there you go.
00:09:16Do you want to try your hydraulics before we go?
00:09:19How do I try hydraulics?
00:09:21Unlock the hydraulics and then use a little joystick.
00:09:23How do I unlock the hydraulics?
00:09:24I think.
00:09:29Go down?
00:09:30No, no, no, go down!
00:09:35Oh!
00:09:38Oh, you fucking...
00:09:44I can't...
00:09:46I can't stand him.
00:09:47Give him a shovel and some bags, that's what we used to do with the students.
00:09:50Make them shovel it up again.
00:09:52No!
00:09:54Fucking hell.
00:09:55Right, that is up.
00:09:57No, stop!
00:09:59Ah, shit.
00:10:02Can we have an agreement?
00:10:04Well, from now on then, you plug it in.
00:10:06When you plug those hoses in, can they always be the same?
00:10:10Yes, that's what I always do, but your tractor's shit, for one.
00:10:13You're incapable of driving it, for two.
00:10:16It's not me.
00:10:17Well, it is. Every time you jump in it, you press the wrong one.
00:10:20That's because every time I get in it, each button does a different thing.
00:10:24You would agree with that?
00:10:25Yeah, because it's a shit tractor.
00:10:29Luckily, my godson was doing work experience on the farm that week,
00:10:34so he got to experience the joy of shoveling up my spilled oats.
00:10:40Here we go.
00:10:42Coming in.
00:10:44While I headed over to Simon to take the rest of his load.
00:10:49Let's not muck it up, Jeremy. Let's not muck it up.
00:11:03He's nervous now. He's all over the place.
00:11:06Go over left a little bit. Go left. Go left.
00:11:10Oh, all of that just went over. Look how much...
00:11:13You just spilt loads.
00:11:15What? What have I done wrong now?
00:11:18You've just spilt loads and loads over the left-hand side. You were too close.
00:11:22Oh, I don't understand. I don't understand anything.
00:11:32When it was time to take my next load, Simon made a rather humiliating decision.
00:11:40I'm loading my stationery.
00:11:43I know you can see it at home and you're laughing at me,
00:11:46but the important thing is, Caleb's not here to see it.
00:11:59But even though I'd lost whatever harvesting skills I'd once had,
00:12:05we did manage that day to get both fields of oats harvested and in the shed.
00:12:13Eat your heart out, muck Scotland. We can have some muck-chipping Norton porridge.
00:12:20However, we couldn't savour the normal joy of harvesting
00:12:24because, once again, the weather reared its ugly head.
00:12:30So now we'll go into the Met Office.
00:12:32They're saying ten o'clock tonight, rain.
00:12:34I might say nine o'clock.
00:12:37Have you got this particular app of doom?
00:12:39Is that the Norwegian? Which one's that one?
00:12:41It's rain today.
00:12:43I've just been looking at BBC Met Office. That Norwegian one's very good.
00:12:47Yeah.
00:12:48Now they're all saying ten o'clock.
00:12:50Ten o'clock?
00:12:51Ten o'clock.
00:12:52Holy shit, look at that.
00:12:54That is coming. It's going to get medieval on our bottoms.
00:12:58With every app saying wind and rain was on the way,
00:13:01Caleb made a late afternoon decision.
00:13:06I think in terms of what we do next is we finish this field off,
00:13:09because we're here anyway.
00:13:10You're the farm manager.
00:13:11And then we move down to the wild farm.
00:13:13Yeah. OK, well, that'll keep Andy happy.
00:13:15Yes, and get that done.
00:13:17I think the problem that Andy's worrying about,
00:13:19our wheat now would be fine against the weather.
00:13:21It'll take a little bit of battering before it loses the milling quality.
00:13:24Yeah.
00:13:25Before you can make it into bread, not cow food.
00:13:28Exactly, or chicken food.
00:13:30But the problem is, I think he's worried about it,
00:13:32is that that's such an old variety,
00:13:34I think he's worried about it losing the milling quality.
00:13:37Which it might in bad weather.
00:13:39Yes.
00:13:44Andy had predicted that because he'd been too cautious
00:13:47with the fertiliser, his field wouldn't produce a massive yield.
00:13:52And he wasn't wrong.
00:13:56I mean, a third of the field,
00:13:59and it's less than half the trailer full.
00:14:02Well, we're easily going to get this field done.
00:14:05Yeah.
00:14:07It's pretty low, isn't it?
00:14:09Is it worth doing?
00:14:10Yeah. You're just being awkward.
00:14:12You've been awkward all year about somebody stealing your field.
00:14:15Why shouldn't I let someone else drill my field?
00:14:18You always have to.
00:14:21You're always going to be negative, so I'm not going to listen to you.
00:14:24Because I look after fellow Doncastrians.
00:14:26Doncastrians?
00:14:27That's what we're called.
00:14:28Dear Lord.
00:14:29He's from Donny.
00:14:30I bet you're in some sort of cult.
00:14:33Doncaster has given the world Kevin Keegan, Diana Regg,
00:14:38and now we're saving farming.
00:14:41I'm not being horrible, but I have no idea what you're on about.
00:14:45Never heard of Kevin Keegan?
00:14:46No.
00:14:48Was he a prime minister?
00:14:49No, he was captain footballer.
00:14:51Oh!
00:14:52Ah.
00:15:08Working without a break into the night,
00:15:11we got Andy's wheat in just before the rain came.
00:15:20And the next day, this new-age mix of wheat and beans
00:15:25went off to be milled.
00:15:29This meant we could turn our attention to the problem child,
00:15:33the oilseed rape.
00:15:38Now, let's just remind ourselves.
00:15:41There's a saying which says,
00:15:43if you haven't got your rape planted by the time of the Morton Show,
00:15:46which is a parliament show near here, which is early September,
00:15:50don't plant it, cos you're too late.
00:15:52We didn't get our rape in by the Morton Show.
00:15:55We advised Caleb not to plant rape.
00:15:57He went ahead and planted it anyway.
00:16:00Most of it failed.
00:16:02This field didn't fail.
00:16:05We're waiting to see what the yield is.
00:16:07How many fields have we got? We've got two fields of it, haven't we?
00:16:10We normally put about 100 hectares in, yeah?
00:16:13Of oilseed rape?
00:16:14Of oilseed rape, and this year we've got 20.
00:16:17Yeah, cos how much failed?
00:16:19Only one field at 80 hectares.
00:16:21No, two fields failed. No, one field failed.
00:16:23Oh. Say sorry.
00:16:27I'm sorry you planted the wrong crop.
00:16:30No, say sorry.
00:16:31Sorry that your mistake was bigger than it was.
00:16:33Be nice for one minute. All right, you've done a very good job.
00:16:35Thank you.
00:16:38Here we go. What do we want it to be?
00:16:40Underneath nine.
00:16:4312.
00:16:44I reckon under two hours we'll be going.
00:16:48So, a couple of hours later,
00:16:50we came back to do another moisture test.
00:16:54What was it this morning?
00:16:55It was 12%.
00:16:57And we need it to be less than nine? Yes.
00:16:59I don't remember very much from the years I've been farming,
00:17:02but the one thing I do remember, and this was on television,
00:17:05is Charlie said to me that a contractor,
00:17:08Caleb or Simon, will always say,
00:17:10oh, it's fine, don't worry about the moisture.
00:17:12And Charlie said, never, ever let them harvest it if it's too wet.
00:17:17Never, ever let them do that.
00:17:19So, if it's over nine, I mustn't let him combine it.
00:17:27What is it?
00:17:28So, it's ten, so it's still too wet.
00:17:30Now, you can make the decision now,
00:17:32because you're going to say, I'm a contractor.
00:17:34So, what do you want me to do?
00:17:36Do you want me to get this off today at 10%,
00:17:38take a little bit of the drying charge,
00:17:40or wait until the end of the week when our wheat's ready,
00:17:42and if we lose the Haberg on the wheat,
00:17:44we're going to lose the milling quality?
00:17:46The last thing we want to do is be caught out harvesting this
00:17:48when our wheat's ready.
00:17:49So, you make the call.
00:17:50Go for it, because you'll go, you're a contractor.
00:17:52No, no, no, I'm a contractor.
00:17:54Go on, call it.
00:17:58Charlie said, don't harvest...
00:18:00Yeah, I know what Charlie said, but this is your decision now.
00:18:03Call it, go on. By the time we get it going...
00:18:05I can't call it when you keep talking.
00:18:07All right, go on then, I'll shut up.
00:18:09I'm just a contractor.
00:18:11So, there's probably five or six hours in total to get the rape in.
00:18:16Yeah.
00:18:17And the wheat...
00:18:18It's going to be ready on Wednesday afternoon.
00:18:20I guarantee that wheat will be fit Wednesday afternoon.
00:18:24Make the call.
00:18:26I cannot believe Charlie's gone on holiday.
00:18:29Oh, can you please just make the decision, please?
00:18:31I can't make a decision.
00:18:32I'm doing it for you, then we're going.
00:18:34Ready?
00:18:35Charlie told me not to do this.
00:18:36I'm calling Simon, we're calling it.
00:18:44When Simon arrived, I went off to do mushroom business.
00:18:50Leaving Caleb waiting anxiously to find out
00:18:53whether his rape gamble had paid off.
00:18:59Simon, do you copy?
00:19:01Yeah, I've got you.
00:19:02Are you getting on well?
00:19:04Yeah, well, yes, we're running quarter full.
00:19:09Quarter full?
00:19:10At the moment, it's saying a quarter of a tonne to the hectare.
00:19:17Shit, now.
00:19:20A lot of these plants just haven't got any pods on at all.
00:19:23That's the trouble with rape, it's a volatile crop.
00:19:35I returned when they were on the second and final field of rape.
00:19:42How was...
00:19:43Shockingly bad.
00:19:45How bad?
00:19:46Really bad.
00:19:47No, what was the yield?
00:19:49Oh, like, average of, like, 300kg a hectare.
00:19:53You're joking.
00:19:54Has that trailer got the first field on it?
00:19:56Yeah, I wouldn't go and have a look if I was you.
00:19:59Don't do it to yourself, honestly.
00:20:02See what I mean?
00:20:03Yeah.
00:20:0425 acres.
00:20:05Yeah.
00:20:06Shit.
00:20:09Once again, it was the weather that had dealt the killer blow.
00:20:15That's a rape stalk.
00:20:17Where's all the pods gone?
00:20:18Oh, shit, there's no pods at all.
00:20:20And, look, if you look this way, look behind you.
00:20:23Can you see it?
00:20:24Where it's a little bit thinner, that, and it's...
00:20:26Yeah.
00:20:27It's got so brittle, and that storm coming, and the rain coming,
00:20:30it's knocking out the rapeseed that we want.
00:20:33Honestly.
00:20:34You do look... I mean, I'm pissed off, you are pissed off.
00:20:37I mean, I can see you're pissed off.
00:20:39I'm just fed up.
00:20:42I mean, I would normally...
00:20:43I'd normally talk to you and say you were told not to plant rape.
00:20:47I'm not in the mood.
00:20:49I mean, you know...
00:20:52I'm just fed up.
00:20:54I mean, you know...
00:20:58Cheer up.
00:20:59Oh, I've just had enough.
00:21:01What?
00:21:02You put all that time and effort in, and money.
00:21:04I know it's not my money, OK, you know,
00:21:06the old hard bits of joking and all that,
00:21:08but it's still...
00:21:10I still don't want us to do badly.
00:21:13You know?
00:21:16I'll get you a beer.
00:21:19Yeah.
00:21:21Oh, mate.
00:21:24It's annoying, though, isn't it, you know what I mean?
00:21:28We're in this together, aren't we?
00:21:30Yeah.
00:21:31I'll go and get the trailer, I'll drop this one off,
00:21:33and then I'll meet you back here, yeah?
00:21:35Yeah.
00:21:46Once the rape was in, there was a harvesting pause.
00:21:50So I went to London to see my new granddaughter.
00:21:56Leaving Caleb in charge of the now very pregnant pigs.
00:22:11She's very close.
00:22:13She's extremely close, I reckon, tonight.
00:22:16She wants comfort.
00:22:20A bit like going into the maternity centre with your other half.
00:22:27Hold their hand.
00:22:30Massage their back.
00:22:33Scratch me on their ears.
00:22:36You OK? Yeah.
00:22:39Yeah, you're good.
00:22:46Calm the down, look.
00:22:52The next day, the piglets started to appear.
00:23:02Lots of them.
00:23:08In fact, there were so many...
00:23:11..that Dilwyn the vet had to come along
00:23:14to do a bit of social engineering.
00:23:17..14, 15, 16 in here.
00:23:19Yeah, that's too many.
00:23:21She'll be struggling to rear more than 12.
00:23:24Yeah. 12, 13.
00:23:26I think the best thing to do is to get the smaller ones
00:23:29and put the smaller ones over there.
00:23:32She's farrowing outside. Yeah.
00:23:34Put them over there.
00:23:36That'll give them a chance.
00:23:38I'll see how we get on.
00:23:40Yeah.
00:23:42Look at that.
00:23:44They're minute. They're tiny.
00:23:46Yeah, absolutely.
00:23:48Look at Mother.
00:23:51Look at Mother.
00:24:06That's having a good feed now.
00:24:14It's wicked, isn't it, when you see that.
00:24:21When I returned,
00:24:23Lisa and I rushed over to Pig City
00:24:26to say hello to the new arrivals.
00:24:29Oh, yes.
00:24:31This is amazing.
00:24:33Look at the size of that one.
00:24:36You're very heavy already.
00:24:39And here you are, sucking straw.
00:24:43Oh, my God.
00:24:45There's loads.
00:24:47Well done.
00:24:49We're not going to call you Swiz any more.
00:24:52In March, Swiz gave birth to three.
00:24:55That's right.
00:24:57This time, 11.
00:24:59No. Yes. Swiz?
00:25:0111.
00:25:03So the total number of pigs we had in March was 28 piglets.
00:25:07Yeah.
00:25:09This time, 53.
00:25:11Whoa, I think that's cos they're fish, running up and down that hill.
00:25:14I think it's cos they're happy cos they're in the woods.
00:25:17This is the main thing for me.
00:25:19You know my pig ring? Yes.
00:25:21Has it worked?
00:25:23Last time, 28% were squashed by their mothers.
00:25:27This time, 13%.
00:25:30Oh, that's very good.
00:25:32That's excellent.
00:25:34Hey-up.
00:25:36Dude, have you seen how many piglets we've got?
00:25:38Have I seen? I was here helping deliver them.
00:25:40I'll tell you what, though, I hate to admit this.
00:25:42Yes?
00:25:44It works. Yeah.
00:25:46I mean, you can just see, she's pushed up here against the ring
00:25:50and the piglets can run behind her.
00:25:53I mean, that's extraordinary.
00:26:02We then had to break off from pig midwifery
00:26:05because it was time to harvest the barley.
00:26:09And, as Charlie had feared...
00:26:12You know, it went in a bit later. Yeah.
00:26:15It's now putting up all these little shoots here, look.
00:26:18And those late maturing ones will be a problem at harvest.
00:26:23There were signs that the erratic weather had ruined this crop as well.
00:26:30This is the barley and the problem we've got here, look.
00:26:32Look at the green in that, look. That's a green one.
00:26:35Shouldn't be doing that.
00:26:43The winter wheat was next in line for a haircut.
00:26:57Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
00:27:06And then Caleb headed over to the last of the big crops.
00:27:12Durham wheat.
00:27:14Here we come.
00:27:19Where he was teamed up with the assistant combine driver.
00:27:27All right, mate? Yeah.
00:27:30Good.
00:27:32Yeah, you can't...
00:27:34Them bloody things, you don't want to be...
00:27:36Well, they'd be better off if you'd come and play with me, wouldn't they?
00:27:39Yeah, that's all right, isn't it? I thought I'd jump in and see you.
00:27:42Yeah, that's fine.
00:27:44Some rum-hole stuff, this stuff.
00:27:46You must... Haven't even got time to fart, or should you think?
00:27:49Still don't know how to come in, which way to come in, do they?
00:27:52You know, we can't get the rest of the tip in this trailer yet.
00:27:55It's still drying and all that.
00:27:57Only went to Romania, didn't it? Pardon?
00:28:00East in Bowes, I assume.
00:28:02Is it still in that place?
00:28:04It's locked off. It was a job...
00:28:06We were all there for six, six, I think it was.
00:28:09So, that was farming, wasn't it?
00:28:12Yeah.
00:28:17An exhausted Caleb finished a couple of days later.
00:28:22But there was very little time to relax.
00:28:25Hey-up.
00:28:27Because Charlie had returned.
00:28:29You haven't got a tan? Are your limetail all intact?
00:28:32I'm all here.
00:28:34And immediately wanted a catch-up on the crops.
00:28:38I've got the spring barley in. Good.
00:28:40I hope that makes malting. Yeah.
00:28:42That's the one that's worrying me the most.
00:28:45The durum, that must make pasta-grade. Yeah.
00:28:48Because Canada's having a shocker again, it's really hot.
00:28:51So, the price of durum, if it's good...
00:28:53What is the price of durum?
00:28:55Really good.
00:28:57£500, £600 a tonne. OK, yeah.
00:28:59You go that side.
00:29:01While Charlie and Caleb were collecting samples
00:29:04to ascertain the quality of what we'd harvested,
00:29:07I was pulling together the last bits of revenue
00:29:10from farming the unfarmed,
00:29:12with one unexpected income stream
00:29:15coming from what traditionally is our most jinxed crop.
00:29:19Here, here.
00:29:21Potatoes.
00:29:24Arriet... No, that's my potatoes.
00:29:26No, get off my potatoes. Go on, this way.
00:29:29No, you eejits. Go on, this way.
00:29:31Basically, Lisa had commandeered one of the fields
00:29:34I'd earmarked for mustard and planted spuds in it
00:29:38because she wanted to have another crack at making crisps.
00:29:43Do you know how many crisps people eat in England every year?
00:29:47No. Six billion.
00:29:49Six billion packets of crisps. Packets.
00:29:52One a lunnock is so rich. Yeah, exactly.
00:29:55This all sounded very exciting,
00:29:58but working out how we stood financially
00:30:01triggered another bout of diddly-squat maths.
00:30:05So we've got 50 tonnes, that's...
00:30:09Well, one tonne is 100,000 kilos, isn't it? Yeah.
00:30:13Is it? What's one tonne?
00:30:161,000 kilograms. 1,000 kilograms is one tonne. Right.
00:30:19So it's half a million grams divided by 120,
00:30:25so you should be getting 4,000... Four million.
00:30:28No, 4,200 packets of crisps out of here.
00:30:31No, you... No.
00:30:33There's a million grams in a tonne, so it's 50 million.
00:30:37I may have got my decimal point wrong.
00:30:39I think you might have. 400,000 packets of crisps.
00:30:41No, that would be 4,160...
00:30:43Lisa, your business plans are worse than mine.
00:30:45No, no, no. Let's see your numbers on mustard.
00:30:47I haven't done them.
00:30:48Well, how do you know you're going to be ahead of the event?
00:30:51Eventually, we agreed the potatoes would bring in...
00:30:54something or other.
00:30:57And then I set off with my trailer
00:31:00to harvest the mustard fields Lisa hadn't commandeered.
00:31:11Ooh, this is going to be tight.
00:31:17I think that will just about get the tractor through.
00:31:21But what about the trailer?
00:31:31Erm...
00:31:38Oh, shit.
00:31:40What the hell am I going to do now?
00:31:48Well, how are we going to get the combine in?
00:31:50Well, how are you going to get the tractor moving?
00:31:52I can get that out of the way. Go on, then. Can you move this?
00:31:55Cos I'm properly stumped on that one.
00:32:02Just...
00:32:03Don't do that!
00:32:06Just...
00:32:08Don't do that!
00:32:11Oh.
00:32:15I did not think of doing that.
00:32:19I did not think of doing that.
00:32:26Bollocks.
00:32:29Stone...
00:32:30Fucking hell.
00:32:33There's drivers and there's screwdrivers.
00:32:35And you're a screwdriver.
00:32:37No, I just... I forgot I could lift it up.
00:32:39That would have got it through. Yeah.
00:32:41But I forgot I could lift it up.
00:32:43How are we going to get that in, though, more importantly?
00:32:46Erm...
00:32:48The problem with planting crops on ground that's not usually farmed,
00:32:53and I should have realised this,
00:32:55is that none of the gates are designed for modern farm machinery.
00:33:03So, Simon and Caleb had to make a long and irritating detour.
00:33:08Jesus Christ.
00:33:11Yeah.
00:33:13And then, to get into the actual mustard field,
00:33:17we had to smash a fence down.
00:33:25Right, what are we doing here?
00:33:28This was the field where, five months earlier,
00:33:31Caleb had been less than impressed by my planting skills.
00:33:36So, look, you start drilling here and then you come along.
00:33:39Fucking great miss.
00:33:41Oh, look, another miss.
00:33:44But now we were here, to me, the results looked pretty impressive.
00:33:54So, once Simon had finished combining,
00:33:58I brought my trailer in, ready to receive my load.
00:34:07There's the fan, and here comes the mustard.
00:34:10There it is! Look at that!
00:34:12There's tonnes of it!
00:34:21Is that it?
00:34:22Is that it?
00:34:26Right.
00:34:33Well, I guess I'd better cancel the speedboat order.
00:34:37Having readjusted my financial expectations,
00:34:41I set about turning the few seeds I did have into a delicious mustard.
00:34:47What I've done so far is put 1.3 litres of vegetable oil in there.
00:34:54I'm now going to add, this is for 40 jars,
00:34:572.2 litres of cider vinegar.
00:35:03It seems like James May decided to do a cookery show.
00:35:06You just sit down and put things in jars.
00:35:11Bee juice.
00:35:14Cider!
00:35:16400 millilitres.
00:35:19May have overdone it with the cider, but it'll be fine.
00:35:22Light, soft brown sugar.
00:35:25For the whisking, apparently, I have to be quite frantic,
00:35:28so I need a hat.
00:35:31Apparently, this is a hat.
00:35:38Now, my mustard seeds now need to be cracked
00:35:42to let the stuff out of them,
00:35:44and I have a mustard cracker.
00:35:47You just put the seeds in...
00:35:55Got to take the lid off.
00:35:57Now...
00:36:10Why have you put the bloody...
00:36:24Now, being careful to take the lid off,
00:36:26your mustard cracker,
00:36:28pour these into the top.
00:36:34There we go. Lovely. Ready?
00:36:42Right. Now, that doesn't look very different,
00:36:44but they have been cracked.
00:36:49And whisk away.
00:36:51Once the finished mustard had been decanted into jars,
00:36:56I took all, um, 36 of them up to the farm shop.
00:37:03Ooh! What's that? Check it out.
00:37:06Jeremy's hot seed.
00:37:08Well, yeah, it's mustard seed. Look, cider and honey mustard.
00:37:11So those are cider. Those are cherries.
00:37:13Jeremy's hot seed with a cherry either side.
00:37:16Yeah, I don't know why.
00:37:18Is that an apple? Could be apples.
00:37:20Yeah, it's apples. They're apples.
00:37:22And they're £6.
00:37:24I need to explain...
00:37:26No, for this size...
00:37:28No, I've really done the maths on this.
00:37:30£6.
00:37:32£7 in Delftsford.
00:37:34It's quite small. OK.
00:37:36£5.50-ish?
00:37:38No, it's £6. If you want to lose money, it's £5.50.
00:37:40It's £6. OK.
00:37:42I promise you, it's £6. OK.
00:37:44Because we were supposed to have grown, um...
00:37:47Are those Christmas baubles local?
00:37:50Um...
00:37:54The next morning, Charlie came to see me with some important news,
00:37:58because he'd had the results from the quality tests on our crops.
00:38:03Morning, Jeremy.
00:38:05Charlie, how are you?
00:38:07Well, I must be honest, I was quite nervous.
00:38:11The milling wheat, the winter wheat, is milling wheat.
00:38:14Yeah, it's made the grade.
00:38:16Yeah, your durum wheat is exceptional...
00:38:18Ooh. ..on some counts...
00:38:21..and not quite so exceptional on others.
00:38:2515% moisture.
00:38:27Spot on. Yeah.
00:38:29Protein, 15.4. Yeah.
00:38:31Exceptional. Yeah.
00:38:33Hagberg.
00:38:35It's meant to be 250.
00:38:37It's 133.
00:38:41So, that's how elastic the dough would be.
00:38:45Gives it a nice elasticity.
00:38:47So, stretchy dough.
00:38:49Do you know how pasta...
00:38:51I'd love to pretend I knew what that meant.
00:38:55It can't be used.
00:38:57So, you can't make pasta out of it?
00:38:59You can't make pasta out of it.
00:39:01So, we just have to feed it to the cows that we don't have?
00:39:05Yeah.
00:39:07How many tonnes did we have?
00:39:09We had about 150.
00:39:13150 tonnes, and we should have got £400 a tonne for it.
00:39:17So, that's £60,000.
00:39:19And we're actually going to get...
00:39:21What did we get from...
00:39:23Probably feed wheat today would make £175.
00:39:27£26,250.
00:39:29So, we've lost £33,750.
00:39:33So...
00:39:35£33,750.
00:39:39Because it rained.
00:39:41HE SIGHS
00:39:43It doesn't stop, I'm afraid.
00:39:45We've got the barley results back.
00:39:49So, the barley...
00:39:51Well, it won't germinate.
00:39:53Because some of it is, as it says, it's just dead.
00:39:57So, it doesn't have the required germination.
00:39:59So, what does it mean?
00:40:01It means we can't use it for malting barley.
00:40:05Fucking hell.
00:40:07How are we going to make the beer?
00:40:09Um...
00:40:11And again, just forgetting the beer for the moment,
00:40:13what would we have achieved had we sold it?
00:40:15There are about 180 tonnes of barley.
00:40:19And it would have gone for...
00:40:21£235.
00:40:23A tonne.
00:40:25Yeah.
00:40:27So, we'd have got £42,000 if we could have sent it down to Haughston.
00:40:29Yeah.
00:40:31And what are we going to get?
00:40:33£160.
00:40:35As animal feed again.
00:40:37£28,000.
00:40:39So, we've lost...
00:40:41£14,000.
00:40:43£14,000.
00:40:45So, we've lost £14,000 on the barley.
00:40:47£34,000 on...
00:40:49£34,000 on the pasta wheat.
00:40:53Barley is a problem.
00:40:55That is a big problem.
00:40:57I've got to ring the brewery now.
00:40:59Your durum wheat, unless we can improve that a little bit,
00:41:01which it might improve in store,
00:41:03it sometimes does,
00:41:05it's feed wheat.
00:41:07But I'm not in full despair of this yet.
00:41:11Oh, it's all been terrible news.
00:41:13So, we've...
00:41:15I... Yeah.
00:41:17I'm not enjoying this job this year.
00:41:23To cheer myself up after this dire forecast,
00:41:27I decided it was time to spring a nice surprise on Lisa.
00:41:31So, on a lovely sunny day,
00:41:33I drove us over to see Tim,
00:41:35the cow farmer.
00:41:39Follow me.
00:41:41I like a little bit of a run out.
00:41:43I know.
00:41:45Oh!
00:41:47No.
00:41:49Pepper!
00:41:51Oh, no way!
00:41:53Yeah.
00:41:55We haven't seen her for a year.
00:41:57Of course it is. Look at her face.
00:41:59And the really big surprise.
00:42:01That is Pepper's calf.
00:42:05I don't understand.
00:42:07Pepper got pregnant.
00:42:09This is Pepper's calf.
00:42:11Oh, little...
00:42:13Oh!
00:42:15You are the cutest little thing.
00:42:17You are a sweetheart.
00:42:19Look at the little diddly pepper.
00:42:21Really good-looking calf.
00:42:25Oh, look at her little...
00:42:27She's got her little snubby face.
00:42:29Oh!
00:42:31Pepper, well done. You look fantastic as well.
00:42:33Oh!
00:42:35No, because when I said to Charlie,
00:42:37what will happen to Pepper, you know,
00:42:39and all the mothers, could we send them back to Tim?
00:42:41He said, I wouldn't ask questions
00:42:43that you don't want to hear the answer to.
00:42:45Imagine my surprise when,
00:42:47what were we, nine months later?
00:42:49That's the best surprise
00:42:51you could have given me.
00:42:53Oh!
00:42:55Tim!
00:42:57How did you do that?
00:42:59The same bull that was at yours.
00:43:01Same bull? Maestro?
00:43:03Yeah, Maestro. Breakheart?
00:43:05Breakheart Maestro.
00:43:07What, you mean we brought her back here
00:43:09and she got off the duff immediately?
00:43:11Yeah, well, about a month afterwards.
00:43:13That's a bit rude, to be honest, Tim.
00:43:15She didn't like Oxfordshire.
00:43:17She didn't like Oxfordshire.
00:43:19She's moved back into Northamptonshire.
00:43:21Doesn't like the Oxford Council.
00:43:23Yeah, so little heifer calf.
00:43:25Tabitha. Tabitha? Or Tabby for short, yeah.
00:43:27She's quite character.
00:43:29Is she? Yeah.
00:43:31Pepper and Tabby? Pepper and Tabby, yeah.
00:43:33So gorgeous.
00:43:35And she's a really good mum.
00:43:37I'm just so thrilled. I know.
00:43:41I believe shit, apart from that.
00:43:43That's fantastic.
00:43:47The world's most famous cow
00:43:49is now a mum.
00:43:55MUSIC PLAYS
00:44:03A week later,
00:44:05all the results from the harvest were in.
00:44:09Which meant it was time
00:44:11for the grand whiteboard finale.
00:44:15Well, here we are. Big moment.
00:44:17Caleb and I, therefore,
00:44:19met in the office to find out
00:44:21who'd won.
00:44:23So,
00:44:25by farming
00:44:27the unfarmed land
00:44:29on the farm,
00:44:31I made
00:44:33£27,614.
00:44:35Profit?
00:44:37Profit. Wow.
00:44:39That is an awful lot of work
00:44:41for not quite enough money
00:44:43to buy many countrymen.
00:44:45I could earn more than that by making people
00:44:47cups of coffee on Paddington Station.
00:44:49But...
00:44:51Still a profit, though.
00:44:53You've done better than I thought you would have.
00:44:55Look at the cows.
00:44:57The cow, that, honestly,
00:44:59that is, as a cow farmer,
00:45:01that is amazing.
00:45:03How many cows was that?
00:45:05That was from five. £5,000 a cow.
00:45:07The average beef farmer now a year
00:45:09would be getting, as a fat cattle,
00:45:11maybe £1,800.
00:45:13Well, that is because we got the Burger Van.
00:45:15Yeah, so we have an outlet for them.
00:45:17Mushrooms.
00:45:19Look at that.
00:45:21We should definitely do more mushrooms.
00:45:23Look at that.
00:45:25Nearly £7,000 profit on mushrooms.
00:45:27That was a good idea.
00:45:29The goats...
00:45:31Are we going to keep the goats?
00:45:33What do you mean, slaughter them?
00:45:35You should kill them and then eat them.
00:45:37They're 29-boy goats.
00:45:39You can't do anything with them.
00:45:41Nettles, total disaster.
00:45:43Yeah, let's not do that.
00:45:45Well, I think we should keep doing it.
00:45:47We've got to keep doing it.
00:45:49Yeah, because there's so many deer around.
00:45:51I mean, the upshot is
00:45:53it didn't lose money.
00:45:55You got a profit of £27,614,
00:45:57but it was a lot of work.
00:45:59Hello. Hi, Charlie.
00:46:01Just doing my numbers.
00:46:03That's very good.
00:46:05Look at this.
00:46:0730% uplift on farming the unfarmed.
00:46:09It's a 50% uplift.
00:46:11No. Yes.
00:46:13Why is it?
00:46:15Because you've made £27,000 and you've spent...
00:46:17£53,000?
00:46:19£54,000, yeah.
00:46:21If you gave me a pound,
00:46:23I've given you £1.50 back.
00:46:25That's exactly what's just happened.
00:46:27Oh.
00:46:29I'm so fucking confused.
00:46:31Anyway...
00:46:33We haven't lost money.
00:46:35He's made a profit.
00:46:37I've made a profit.
00:46:39With my side out of the way,
00:46:41I don't know how he'd done.
00:46:43All right, green or red?
00:46:45No, no, I'm just...
00:46:47No, you want the red one first.
00:46:49So, contractors, so this is paying you,
00:46:51paying Simon,
00:46:53and hiring...
00:46:55£46,279.
00:46:57£46,279.
00:46:59OK.
00:47:01So that gave you a total cost...
00:47:03£183,000.
00:47:05£183,000.
00:47:07And £11,011.
00:47:09£11,011?
00:47:11It's mad to think you've got to spend that to grow food.
00:47:13That, all that cost,
00:47:15is just simply...
00:47:17And then we haven't just...
00:47:19no, my heart's really gone a pitter-patter, cos...
00:47:21So is mine.
00:47:23So, rapeseed.
00:47:25The green pen.
00:47:27Rape, we'd actually, there was more of it than...
00:47:29£10,172.
00:47:31So it looks like you were right to plant rape.
00:47:33Right and wrong.
00:47:35One field was very, very poor, yes,
00:47:37But luckily, and I thank Bury Hill South for this, we had a really good harvest in there and the yields
00:47:44Was really high. The one that looked awful
00:47:47Was good. Was good. And the field that looked... But what we're saying is if you hadn't grown rape
00:47:51You would have planted something else, which would have been even more profitable. Yes
00:47:56But luckily I covered my costs and made a little bit on the rape that we had. No, you have. Okay, good. All right
00:48:02What have we got next? Wheat. Wheat.
00:48:05The good news, it made milling. And we... Yes. Yep, the wheat, the winter wheat. So that's bread. It's human food. Yep
00:48:1393,204 pounds. And that's at 250 quid. 250 pounds a ton. Yep
00:48:20Come on, let's keep going.
00:48:22Oats. Yep. Made milling. And who knew there's been a real disaster across Northern Europe this year with oats. What a rotten bit of luck for the Finns.
00:48:3126,835 pounds. Then we come down to grass seed, which was your haylage field at the top. Yep.
00:48:424,890. How many cuts did you get in the end? Three. You did get three? Three, but it didn't make any hay.
00:48:47So we won't be able to sell any to Amanda Holden. No, unfortunately not. Andy Cato's field? Wild farmed.
00:48:547,206 pounds. It's not as good as our best wheat field, but it's better than our worst wheat field.
00:49:01So that's made a profit. If that was into wheat, we'd have got, you know, more there.
00:49:05If I might,
00:49:06let's be positive.
00:49:08Okay, you might have earned more if we'd have farmed your way on that field.
00:49:13But we haven't lost any money and we might, and hopefully we have, improve the soil.
00:49:19And that is something I'm, I know I don't want to sound like some virtue-signalling idiot on Instagram,
00:49:25but I do care about the soil, so that...
00:49:29Good. Durham wheat, pasta.
00:49:35You didn't think it was gonna make it, did you? No, and it has.
00:49:39Has it? It's, so, it got up to 170 Hagberg, but because this year has been so difficult,
00:49:46you know, we've worked with Matthew and they've milled it and they've made a grist, so it's made pasta.
00:49:53Yes! That is good news. We got a million as well on the wheat, haven't we, so...
00:49:59£60,165. We are going to...
00:50:04£60,000?
00:50:06165.
00:50:10165! That looks like a good round number, doesn't it there? Look at it!
00:50:16However, spring barley...
00:50:18Here it is. It was the... We can't use it to make Hawkston beer, can we? It's the finest quality animal feed.
00:50:28£25,526.
00:50:31But if we got the, if we got molten on the spring barley, we would have made £60,000? It would have been pretty much double, double.
00:50:38Okay, now can we do the adding up? This is the important thing. So, you've got to be...
00:50:43£27,600 in order. £200...
00:50:48What?
00:50:50And £27,998.
00:50:54So your total, Caleb, at the top is £44,987. Oh, he's beaten me.
00:51:02Well, there you go.
00:51:05Well done.
00:51:06First year of being farm manager and you've kicked my arse completely. But we're a team.
00:51:11So if we add those two together,
00:51:14£40,50... £72,500.
00:51:16£72,000. Well, that's, I mean, that's... £1,000 acres, £72 an acre.
00:51:23Go to the pub today, then? But, Caleb, as you know,
00:51:27you know, farms always demand cash, don't they? And we've started next year's cycle.
00:51:31So actually, I need all of that to fund the seed, the fertiliser, and the sprays.
00:51:36So we can't go to the pub? No. Well, you need every single penny. Every single penny.
00:51:42For seed, ferts, and sprays for next year. That's not even covering the contracting charge.
00:51:48So I'll take you for a pint, then.
00:51:51Well, I'll tell you something else as well. If I hadn't have farmed the unfarmed, we'd be in trouble. Yeah.
00:51:57The other thing as well is that, again, I'm in the fortunate position of having other income streams.
00:52:04But if you're a normal farmer, and this is your full-time and only job,
00:52:09you get two years where you don't make any money. Yeah. You're screwed. It's really tough.
00:52:16Because of the fluctuations we saw in the price of wheat and in the price of fertiliser,
00:52:23you don't know where you are. You can't plan.
00:52:25Literally, a butterfly can flap its wings in China, and you go bankrupt.
00:52:30And you go bankrupt. It's that nuts.
00:52:34You used to have a relatively stable income in terms of subsidies, but they're going.
00:52:40It's really hard to get... I like to think the future of farming is bright and light,
00:52:44and especially young generation coming in. Especially me. I'm 25 years old. How?
00:52:47I've got maybe, potentially, 60 harvesters left. How? How?
00:52:51I don't know. I honestly don't know. How? But I want to stay positive because I love what I do.
00:53:00Speak to the President again. Prime Minister, sorry.
00:53:03President. OK, now. President.
00:53:09It was hard, giving Charlie every penny we'd made to buy seed and fertiliser for the following year.
00:53:19Because it meant we'd been through a lot to earn nothing at all.
00:53:25Well, I think it's fine, building jumbo planes,
00:53:33taking a ride on a cosmic train.
00:53:42I know we've come a long way, we're changing day to day.
00:53:49But tell me, why do the children play?
00:53:55When you crack the sky, scrapers fill the air.
00:54:02But will you keep on building higher, till there's no more room up there?
00:54:09I know we've come a long way, we're changing day to day.
00:54:16But tell me, why do the children play?
00:54:22Why do the children play?
00:54:33Yup, it had been yet another tumultuous year.
00:54:39But, as is now customary, Team Diddly Squat gathered to mark its passing.
00:54:45We're at a picnic in the woods, next to one of my lesser triumphs.
00:54:52The dam's not quite finished. Look at it.
00:54:57You know we've gone backwards. I was about to say, have you actually started it?
00:55:02It's such a mess. That is a disgrace, to be honest, both of us.
00:55:05It's like a pair of children being played down there, isn't it?
00:55:10That's exactly what it is.
00:55:14Dogs are still untrained.
00:55:17You are filthy.
00:55:19Go away, go away.
00:55:21I was thinking the other day.
00:55:24Farmers moan, often with good reason.
00:55:28Bloody difficult. Don't get much pay.
00:55:32Get lambasted by everybody for harming the environment.
00:55:35Why do they keep doing it? Why are they fighting to keep the industry going?
00:55:39You know, why would you?
00:55:40And then, I remembered you saying four years ago, it's a way of life, farming.
00:55:46You'd agree?
00:55:48Yeah.
00:55:50You know when the first year I went, shall I go back to London or shall I stay here?
00:55:54It doesn't even enter my head.
00:55:56Oh, fuck.
00:56:00It doesn't even enter my head now.
00:56:03I've got to go to London next Tuesday and I'm already dreading it and trying to think of excuses for not going.
00:56:09You know you went away to Africa?
00:56:11Yeah.
00:56:12I hate to admit this.
00:56:13Yeah.
00:56:14I kind of missed you.
00:56:17The plane's going to crash just as you say that.
00:56:20When you said kind of?
00:56:22Really?
00:56:23I miss him as a person. I don't miss him helping on the farm.
00:56:26But like, you know, our cup of teas and our little chats and our meal out on the weekend and chit-chats and farming chats and...
00:56:34You do need that community around.
00:56:36You do need that sort of...
00:56:38Otherwise it's quite a lonely...
00:56:40I know. And we've had the usual year of rows, difficulties, bad weather, disappointments, deaths.
00:56:47The pigs were just awful, Baroness and so on.
00:56:50But let us look at it this way.
00:56:53I became a grandfather for the first time since we were last here.
00:56:58You became a father again.
00:57:00And you, the G-dog, beat the big C.
00:57:04Yeah.
00:57:05I think we can drink to that.
00:57:06Cheers, guys.
00:57:07Well done, mate.
00:57:08Cheers, everybody.
00:57:09Cheers.
00:57:10Thank you.
00:57:11Thank you.
00:57:12And thank you.
00:57:14Thank you, everybody, for helping to make this the best job in the world.
00:57:18I would like to thank everybody, all the film crew and all my friends here.
00:57:24All of you have been so kind to me and my family.
00:57:28And thank you very much.
00:57:31We're here for you all the time.
00:57:33That's good.
00:57:34Well done.
00:57:35Cheers.
00:57:36Cheers, guys.
00:57:42I was born in the wagon of a travelling show
00:57:45My mama used to dance for the money they'd know
00:57:48Mama would do whatever he could
00:57:53Preach a little gospel
00:57:56Sell a couple bottles of Dr. Good
00:57:59G.M.C.s, trans man thieves
00:58:02We'd hear it from the people of the town
00:58:04They'd call us G.M.C.s, trans man thieves
00:58:09But every night all the men would come around
00:58:12And lay their money down
00:58:16I never had schoolin' but it taught me well
00:58:19With its smooth, sullen style
00:58:22Three months later I'm a gal in trouble
00:58:25And I haven't seen him for a while
00:58:29For a while
00:58:33I haven't seen him for a while
00:58:40She was born in the wagon of a travelling show
00:58:43My mama had to dance for the money they'd know
00:58:46Grandpa would do whatever he could
00:58:51Preach a little gospel
00:58:54Sell a couple bottles of Dr. Good
00:58:57G.M.C.s, trans man thieves
00:59:00We'd hear it from the people of the town
00:59:02They'd call us G.M.C.s, trans man thieves
00:59:06But every night all the men would come around
00:59:10And lay their money down
00:59:27© transcript Emily Beynon
00:59:57© transcript Emily Beynon