Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 06- Mushrooming
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TVTranscript
00:30Now that we were heading into high summer it was time for one of the most enjoyable
00:37jobs on the farming calendar. Putting the cows back in the fields after their winter
00:44confinement in the shed. Right so we get four in the trailer and off to cow ground. Yep.
00:51Open that gate up. I like working with you now. What you didn't used to? No. Go on then cows,
01:07good cows. Go on. Get on. Yes. Go on. Right. You gonna go on your own and I'll get the next four in.
01:22This is one of my favorite days releasing the cows into the fields because they're so happy.
01:29After what five six months being locked up in the barn they suddenly have the freedom all that grass
01:36and they sort of decide oh I remember. I arrived at the cow field remembering well the last time
01:44we did this. Look at them excited cows free. So happy. I'm free and out. And you release the
01:58raptors. Wait. There you're free. Now go. Is that it? Come on what's all the running around? You're
02:25supposed to dance around and be happy. You ungrateful bastards. After that letdown I went
02:39to inspect my space penises. Fully expecting some more disappointment. Right I'm rather
02:49optimistically going to bring one crate, two crates, two crates for my mushrooms.
02:55Get into my Darth Vader outfit. My rubber gloves on. Yee! Holy moly. Look at those.
03:11A nose. This is amazing. Look at these beauties. Look at this. This could work. This could actually
03:23work. What you do to pick them it's a twisting strangling motion. Like that's not quite right.
03:33You know I don't have any mushrooms on toast tonight. Having boxed up the mushrooms I hightailed
03:44it over to the farm shop before it opened for business. Lisa. Yeah. I've got good news. Yeah.
03:52Wow they're beautiful. They are aren't they? What are they? Grey oyster mushrooms. I've made a thing
04:01for them. So. So we're selling them by the punnet. Yep. How much do you reckon for a punnet? I say
04:06three pounds three pounds fifty. Yep. We then went to show them to Scott the chef in the shop's
04:12burger van. Wow. Aren't they beautiful? And these are all grown up at the. We're growing these and
04:17we're gonna have a regular supply of mushrooms. We can do mushrooms on toast or something. Yeah
04:22mushrooms on toast. Yeah amazing. Everybody wants mushrooms on toast. Maybe make some mushroom
04:27ketchup if you get to the end and you've got loads left. Oh nice. Yeah. Mushroom soup. Yeah
04:32whatever you like. Vegan burger. Yeah. Finally we get some vegan. What have you done? What's wrong
04:42love? I know. What's wrong? You alright? Are you crying or laughing? We've won the appeal.
04:51Shut up. No way. Yeah. Oh no. Oh my god. We've won the appeal. Well done. Oh wow. Tell me tell me.
05:02Stop. I'm just reading. I'm reading it. Well done guys. Oh my god. Oh god. I'm so worried.
05:09It's a hell of a long document but. Bloody hell that's juicy. Point forty one. I shall for the
05:15purposes of clarity and understanding. This is the planning inspector. Correct the allegation
05:20to a change of use to a mixed use comprising agriculture, cafe, restaurant, farm shop,
05:29parking, and lavatory facilities. He's giving us the whole shebang. The whole lot. Yes. I mean we
05:35aren't it seems we aren't that's gone. We aren't allowed to have a restaurant there. I take that.
05:40But we can have this here. Amazing. And we can make that a cafe in there.
05:44This is the biggest **** you to the council I've ever.
05:53I've been so worried. That is amazing. But it's also like common sense. Well of course it's
05:59common sense. I know. Council didn't have any and there's an inspector. Do you think the council
06:02will appeal? I don't think I don't I don't think the council will appeal. This inspector's taken
06:08how long has he taken four months? I don't I don't think he's going to have made a mistake.
06:13Basically we're safe and it seems to be for three years. We're good. We're good to go for three
06:18years. We're back in business. Lisa decided to celebrate this victory over the council
06:31by inviting all her thin blonde Oxfordshire friends over for a spot of goat yoga.
06:38Really squeeze and retract the shoulder blades. Open up the chest.
06:42Into your warrior three position. Keep the hips square. Shoulders square.
06:45Forearm. And then press through that. I'm sure this was all very modern.
06:51But I hadn't bought the goats to be used as wellness props. I bought them to lay waste to
06:57my brambles. Something they could hopefully start doing now they had a campsite.
07:04However we could only move them up there if they were big enough. Right. Do you know what we're
07:11doing? We've got to weigh them and then if it's underweight. Yep. That's less than I think 17
07:18kilograms. We spray it red. Not the whole thing. 17 kilos. Yeah. And then if it's ready to go
07:24outside it's green and we're hoping they're all green because Lisa's coming to take away the milk
07:28machine. Yeah they're on solids now aren't they? How do we get them into the harness? Yeah look.
07:35But you know how you get into it.
07:39Right okay let's take a fatty. Stop eating my goons.
07:44Stop it. No.
07:48Ow. Oh. Stop it.
07:51Okay that is 96. You didn't. No well 96 is a bit too much.
07:57You didn't. No well 96 what? Pounds. Well no. Kilograms. It's not 96 kilograms.
08:04It's heavier than me. Right it's green. So. Don't let go until we've sprayed.
08:10Yeah we'll just spray. That's all right. No don't let go. Don't let go. Bring it back.
08:13That's going to lose it. Wait I'm just going to. Oh my god. This is going to be for days.
08:21Stop it. No that's not going to work. You've got to get it in the middle. It's fucking
08:25heavy enough I can tell you. This one's just coughed and been sick all day. Get off. Get off.
08:31This one is 16 with two back legs on the floor. Well that's not. It's definitely over 17.
08:37In the middle of this festival of incompetence. Come on man. Lizzie the goat expert arrived.
08:44Hi Lizzie. What are you uh doing? Weighing them.
08:49How's that going? Not very well. No you surprised me. What did we say 18 points? Yeah but we haven't
08:56marked it. I have. Oh you have? Yes. Is there an easier way of doing it? Yeah I can definitely
09:01think of one like use the scales. That would be my my recommendation. How do you make a goat
09:06stand on a weigh scale? It's just he'll stand there. It'll be fine. So that's that's plugged
09:15into the mains yeah? Yeah all good. You stand by just by the screen. Yep. When I put him on
09:21it should give you a weight. Oh yeah 19.46. There you go. So how do you? Ow that really hurts.
09:27You're getting weighed next for being a horrible goat. Christ almighty. This is a porker. Wow 28.66.
09:38So next time if you put your hand. Yes I've got that wrong. Yeah 23.92. So you have grown good
09:43solid healthy goats. So we're happy? We're happy. We're very happy. You've done a very good job.
09:52Boys are certainly over 17. Yep. And are ready to go out. Right.
10:00Before moving the goats to their campsite there was something I needed to clear up with Lizzie.
10:06What's this I heard about while I was reading in my book? That if they escape
10:11then they're. I mean that would be like yeah like. It's off. Stop it. If you get the fencing wrong
10:19it's carnage because you'll never keep them in like ever. Once they learn they're so clever.
10:25If they if they start escaping. Oh fuck me. I think it's trying to. Jesus Christ.
10:33Yeah. Right. Sorry what were you saying about the fencing being catastrophic?
10:40It could be catastrophic if you don't get it right. So.
10:47Do you want a lunch box? Yeah. You need a cricket box. They do know. It's because I cut their balls off.
10:54That really hurts. Don't do that again. Do not. Don't do that again. Get off.
11:00They used to be so sweet. They were so small and cute. And now they're just eating things.
11:07But if one does keep getting out. Yeah. Best one in the world what damage is it going to do
11:12apart from kicking people in the nuts? So we had one really bad group years and years ago and they
11:17went for all our sapling trees and they went through two fields to get to the sapling trees.
11:22They could go onto the roads and cause an accident. Or like your chilies. I mean I don't know how many
11:27chilies they'd eat but they would certainly go through your polytunnel. Horns in a polytunnel
11:31wouldn't be a good mix. So really we've got to be very careful. You really really do. Yeah.
11:36Oh my god can you imagine? Look at Joey. He's in real trouble.
11:40This is our decoy here.
11:44They like you a lot. Nothing sacred.
11:48We then showed Lizzie the field where the goats would live.
11:53If I leave this alone for much longer it'll all just be bramble. Yeah yeah. They'll take the worst
11:58of the brambles out. And at every opportunity she came back to the topic of their escaping skills.
12:07And do they need things to climb on? We tend not to give them stuff outside because they roll them
12:13into the electric fence and then use that as an escape. No. Yes. What like a Stalag Luft 3? Yeah
12:19honestly. Rewind. If we put the sort of wooden toys they've got in their barn now. Yeah. And put
12:27them in here they'll push them up to the fence and use them as a launching pad. Yeah we found
12:30that with like you know the big sort of oil barrels they would roll them up into the fence
12:34either short the fence out or use them to hop over. That's so cool. They'll definitely they
12:38will be up on that pig hark and over that fence like within hours if they had access to it.
12:45Clever. They're very intelligent. Do not underestimate them.
12:55While we were wondering if a goat could jump a fence on a motorcycle
12:59Caleb and Charlie were having a much grander day in London. They'd been invited to Downing Street
13:07to talk to the Prime Minister about his back British farm to fork initiative.
13:13And given the importance of the meeting they met in a cafe for a pre-match chat.
13:20So today. Yeah. Quite a lot of people going. Quite big. Jeremy told me to say he said Caleb um
13:27if you want any talking points just tell Ricky that he's probably not going to be Prime Minister
13:31anymore. Rishi. Rishi. The President. Oh the Prime Minister sorry. That's that'll be a great
13:37place to start. I would definitely go. Hello Mr. President. How are you Ricky? You're not going to
13:43be Prime Minister next time. Um so what are you going to talk about? What's your focus? I want to
13:48go on young farmers. Good. Young people getting into farming. Yeah. You can't go and farm your
13:54own farm nowadays. A they're so expensive and B everything's in a in a scheme. Yeah. I got a quote
13:59for tracks yesterday. Yeah. After discount it's two hundred and five thousand pounds.
14:05Oh Christ we better go. We're going to be late.
14:13Trafalgar Square. Oh I drove through here. Yeah. I didn't put my indicator on in this junction here.
14:19Really? Yeah. There's Nelson look. Who's Nelson? He was an admiral. He's quite high up isn't he?
14:26He won a battle. Well do you know what he's looking at? What? So you see where those flags are? Yeah.
14:31That's Admiralty Arch. Okay. Right. And he is looking on the top of the arch there are loads of ships.
14:39Right and he led the battle of Trafalgar against the French. All that concrete to build a man
14:44that's looking over some... I heart London. F**k that. Want to press the button? You press the button.
14:53Where are we going? We're going down Whitehall which is... What is that? It's a... No what? It's a very uh let's keep going.
15:05So here we are. This is Whitehall. This is where it all happens. What happens? Management of the country.
15:12There you go. Cabinet offices. What's that? You know what the cabinet is? No. They're sort of the
15:16more senior ministers. And they all work in there do they? I don't know what time it is. What time is it?
15:2411 minutes past nine. No we're a bit early. We'll hang around.
15:38Morning. Morning.
15:42Morning. Are you now just gonna try and get people to say good morning? Yeah. Morning.
15:48Morning. They'll think you're a fruitcake. I'm just saying morning. They don't want to talk.
15:57Soon it was time for them to head for that famous black door.
16:01Ready? We've got a knock? Yeah. Right. What? Knock? Yes sir.
16:16How you doing? Thank you very much. Just a hint. If you knock that loud again I'll throw you out.
16:22Say that again? Don't knock so loud. So I rip off. I don't care. Okay.
16:28Okay. Told us.
16:33While Caleb and Charlie were being told off by the Downing Street door police. Come on goats.
16:39Let's get you in. Lisa and I were finally moving the goats into their new home. So the idea is
16:47this is their training garden. Yep. And they live in here until they've really eaten all the
16:52dock leaves and what have you. Okay. Then you move them down and the idea is that their mouths get
16:58you know used to. Hardened. Yes exactly. And they get hard mouths. But then you see the bramble
17:04bushes which is what I really wanted to start eating. Yes. So when they start hitting brambles
17:09that's going to be the interesting thing for me. That's what I want them to eat.
17:13Before all that though we had to go through the unpleasant but necessary business
17:19of getting them used to the electric fencing.
17:22Out you come. Oh they are coming out. So the white fence is gentle power. Yes. And the orange fence
17:30is the national grid. Oh look I'm plotting. I've got an escape route here. Hey guys follow me.
17:39I reckon we can be over in a jiffy.
17:41Whoa was that a zap? Oh no they're eating the gateposts.
17:46Okay I'm not eating the gateposts anymore.
17:52Sorry.
18:04It's not funny. No it's really mine. It's not funny. I shouldn't laugh.
18:11I'm not amused. I don't like to see animals in pain but they do have to learn.
18:19And quite quickly they got the message. Look at all now in the middle. Yeah. Their escape plans
18:26are in tatters because of my security. Eat. Get your mouths hardened and then you can go and eat
18:33bambles. Back at number 10 Charlie was taking part in a highbrow think tank discussion.
18:43But you went through the list of grants there and you you haven't listed them all. No. And all the
18:50schemes. No. You do need a PhD now in grant applications if you're a farmer. Meanwhile out
18:57in the garden president Ricky was in full schmooze mode. How are you Richie? Very nice to see you.
19:03So what do you got? Is this all from the farm? We've got a fennel flag sausage. Right. Our
19:09traditional butcher sausage. Our great bramble bagel. Yeah. And then we've just got some bacon
19:13going as well. Oh my god it's been smoked. We were having cabinet up there and literally that
19:18was a cabinet room there and everyone was just distracted and smelling your stuff coming through.
19:23It's great. Look at this. Then in the actual cabinet office. How are you? Caleb got to meet
19:31the prime minister. Thanks for coming. Caleb how are you? And this was his big moment to talk about
19:38attracting youngsters into farming. You okay? I'm very well thank you. You've got lovely hair. Me? Yes.
19:45That's good. Had you heard otherwise? No, no, no. It was the general public.
19:51When the conversation moved outside Caleb finally did talk about young farmers.
19:57But he made a bit of a meal about getting to the point. You know farming's not a job. It's a way
20:03of life. Yeah. That is it. There's no, you know, no other option there. It's a way of life. You
20:07don't get up there and go oh I've got to go to work today. I never ever wake up in the morning
20:10go you know what I've really got to go to work today. I've got to do an eight to five job.
20:14I can't wait to finish. You know halfway through the day you have your lunch and you go oh
20:17I want to go home. You know I never do that. I wake up in the morning go right what am I doing
20:20today? Yesterday, the day before sorry, I was out there milking cows in the morning. Then I went
20:24out there and started mowing for silage. You know and then I was spraying. You know it's no day it's
20:28the same. I think everyone should have a dream because a dream is somewhere to go and somewhere
20:32to get to. And as soon as you accomplish that dream, if you do it in two years, three years,
20:35five years, you've done it. Set another dream. And the thing I say all the time is dreams don't
20:39work in a few years. While Caleb was bringing the country to a grinding halt,
20:47Lisa and I had gone up to the mushroom bunker to see if any more had fruited.
20:54Oh shit. Oh my god.
21:01Oh my god.
21:03What's wrong?
21:08Look at this. How many we've got? Thousands and thousands.
21:11Oh my god. So those are those?
21:13It's incredible.
21:17Oh my god.
21:20Wow.
21:20Jesus.
21:21These are ready.
21:22They're very ready. Right. 24 hours ago, that didn't exist.
21:31And where's the matter come from that's made it in 24 hours?
21:38You need to get selling mushrooms.
21:42What's more, the extraordinary lion's mane mushrooms had started to appear.
21:49It's like a sponge that's mated with a cauliflower. And that's a mushroom.
21:54The man said that he reckons that they're space penises.
21:58That does look like it's from space. That really does.
22:06There was no way we could fit even a tenth of this lot into the farm shop.
22:12So I had to abandon my plans for the day and man a hastily erected mushroom stall.
22:18Now, can I interest you in the new Diddly Squat range?
22:24Grey oyster mushrooms. These are not like you get in the supermarket. Or
22:29lion's mane mushrooms.
22:31Um, please may I have some of those?
22:32Yes, of course. And that is cost, that's 427 grams.
22:39That would be £12.81.
22:41Okay.
22:43Just out of curiosity, are you selling space penises?
22:49No.
22:59Up in Piggy Wood, it had now been 11 weeks since Ajax the Boar had done
23:05boar things with the sows.
23:07These are the four in question. Well, hopefully pregnant.
23:10Yeah, yeah.
23:12So a local pig expert had come round to scan them.
23:16And the news was good.
23:19They're all pregnant.
23:20They're all pregnant.
23:21All up the duff.
23:22So we don't have to sell them, cos if they hadn't have been up the duff,
23:25they're just eating food for no reason and they'd have to be baconed.
23:28Gerald!
23:29Oh, Gerald, hello, hello.
23:31How are you, sir?
23:32Sorry.
23:35You all right?
23:35Yeah.
23:37Lovely piggies.
23:38Aren't they great?
23:39Yeah.
23:39You ever kept pigs?
23:40Well, I'm actually almost eight when I got here.
23:43Who have you got?
23:43This is the mother's.
23:44Yeah.
23:45I've heard stories about sows and boars and that.
23:49They can be nasty, can't they?
23:50What can?
23:52Sows and when they got to do the right stuff with the combine, then you shear them.
23:57When they got those brass coming out the side, turned to...
24:03Um, Gerald?
24:04Yes, my love?
24:05When you planted all these trees, was it 60 years ago or so?
24:08Yeah.
24:09You planted these trees?
24:09Yeah.
24:1060 years ago?
24:11Can't wait.
24:11Yeah.
24:12This was all bombing on, all the summits.
24:15Found it there and all the way up then.
24:17Yeah, they grazed right to the...
24:19These were all tyres and that.
24:22So these trees are younger than you?
24:25Yeah.
24:27He's all, this is Gerald's woods.
24:29Used to get the old shovel like that.
24:31Wow, Gerald.
24:32And then drop that thing in and then heal them in.
24:34I went round with a...
24:36It's called, damn funny enough, and then with a pole with the fluid in there.
24:42As the years went on, there was...
24:45Where those Wellingtonies was and all, that was all walk-on.
24:47They were original wood, they were.
24:49You know, there was at least once a fortnight,
24:53got the feet up for the, um, come for the stinging nettles.
24:58Yeah, yeah.
24:58Similar to that, it was.
25:01That's when bosses were bosses and you didn't say no to them.
25:05Yeah.
25:09Oh, I'm really chuffed.
25:10I did not know that you, that you'd done this.
25:13I'm, brilliant, that's brilliant.
25:15So it shall become known, we shall rename it Gerald's Wood.
25:19You used to fill that, right?
25:21And a little biller at the top.
25:25We were now well into June
25:27and life on the farm was a smorgasbord of busyness.
25:35Up in a field called Downs Ground,
25:38I took part in my first ever grass harvest.
25:42This involved wrapping bales of grass in plastic sheeting,
25:47which we'd feed to the cows in the winter.
25:53So we're collecting silage, yes?
25:55Silage is grass that has been put in a bag,
25:58which is wet and it's going to ferment
26:01before the sugar is added to it.
26:02And it's going to ferment with all the sugars
26:04that naturally come off the grass,
26:06which is good for the cows with high sugar content.
26:10Caleb was still annoyed that when my pigs had been in this field,
26:15they'd made a bit of a mess of it.
26:22Why have we got Jeremy?
26:23Keep out.
26:25Because you keep fucking up this field.
26:28But nevertheless, it looked like we were getting a good crop.
26:32I quite like being a grass farmer.
26:39It's a question of mathematical and pleasing.
26:41You know, I've done that right.
26:43It's like, you know, when you mow your lawn
26:44and you don't have to go over a bit, you've already done.
26:49One of you mows his lawns.
26:53All done.
26:54As soon as the grass harvest was finished...
26:58So we need to have a look at the fertiliser spreader.
26:59Yeah.
27:00..it was time for the annual red tractor inspection,
27:03where we have to prove the farm is clean and well run.
27:07Yeah, that's fine. That's fine.
27:10And given that Caleb was now farm manager...
27:1316680.
27:1680.
27:17..things this time round were very unstressful.
27:21The NSF record book, that's great.
27:24It's all here.
27:25You've got your first aid box up here, which is great.
27:28Correct signage.
27:29Yeah.
27:30Lovely.
27:30Sandbucket there.
27:31That's great. Morning.
27:32How you doing?
27:33Morning.
27:33You've got mushrooms.
27:35Everywhere, he just appeared with mushrooms.
27:38I just live underground now.
27:41Yep, no matter how busy Caleb was...
27:46..the mushrooms were keeping me busier.
27:59So, this is the fourth road bridge I've created,
28:09because all day I've been selling mushrooms, constantly,
28:14and we still have this many,
28:16and tomorrow morning there'll be this many again,
28:19and the next day, and the next day.
28:23In fact, I had so many mushrooms
28:26that besides selling them in the shop and the burger van,
28:31I was now hawking them round local pubs and even rival farm shops.
28:38I had some last night.
28:39I cannot tell you how good they are.
28:41I mean, I cut some last night.
28:43Amazing.
28:44Jesus, I had these last night.
28:45They're fantastic.
28:47But even though my incredibly varied sales patter
28:50was shifting some decent quantities...
28:53Five, we'll have five kilos.
28:541.2.
28:566.1 kilo.
28:57..I was still barely scratching the surface.
29:02For fuck's sake.
29:10However, there was still time amongst all the madness
29:14to pause for the occasional treat.
29:17I've got a big surprise for you.
29:21Is it a proposal?
29:26Every time I think you've got a surprise,
29:28I'm like, he's going to propose.
29:31Every time.
29:34Remember the tree fell down?
29:37We put it back up again.
29:38Yeah.
29:39Come and have a look.
29:44Look at that.
29:46That's the tree we put back up.
29:49Wow.
29:50I'm so happy.
29:52Yeah.
29:53Because it had been down for six months and it's alive.
29:59But do you know what's weird?
30:00It's that the little branches are growing
30:02from absolutely everywhere.
30:03I know, it's incredible.
30:05That is what's called bursting back into life, isn't it?
30:07Sure is, yeah.
30:09Well done, that's really nice.
30:10I'm really happy with that.
30:11Yeah, I'll think about the proposal, OK?
30:13I'm not ready yet.
30:17However, Mother Nature's ability to mend itself
30:20isn't always a source of joy.
30:25Sometimes it can be downright annoying.
30:28A point brought into sharp focus...
30:31Oh, Christ, I'm waiting.
30:32...when Caleb and I decided to resume work on the dam.
30:37I mean, is this...
30:39We just can't get to it anymore.
30:42Is this...
30:42Do we have to come through with a chainsaw and cut all this back?
30:45When were we last here?
30:47It wasn't that long ago.
30:51And now a jungle has happened.
30:56Happily, though, this meant I had an excuse to fire up WALL-E,
31:02my most favourite machine in the world.
31:07Oh, I'm back.
31:10The emotional support unit.
31:16The machine of destruction.
31:19Look at it.
31:21Mincing.
31:25Atomising.
31:32What is that?
31:33Huh? Chainsaw trousers.
31:34Are those just the front of you?
31:35Yeah, yeah, so if you're going through like this,
31:37then you hit yourself, they hit this,
31:39and it tangles it up and stalls the engine.
31:42It is broke back.
31:44What's that?
31:46Yeah, it's good dogs.
31:47Good dogs.
31:48Sit.
31:49Sit.
31:51Sit.
31:52Sit.
31:54Sit.
31:56Sit.
31:57Sit.
31:59And now it's gone.
32:00And that one's gone as well, then.
32:06Having cleared a new path to the damn site,
32:09we got into a construction worker state of mind
32:13and moved on to the next job.
32:16Lunch.
32:18Lunch.
32:24That looks better now, doesn't it?
32:28I would have thought,
32:30why are we using that tube
32:33when we could use these sleepers instead?
32:36Oh, I see, just put the sleepers across and then put the...
32:39If we put the sleepers across there,
32:41you see what I mean?
32:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:42If we got the digger, dug out a hole...
32:44Put some post in like this, exactly like behind of this.
32:47Exactly.
32:48Put some post in, you slot one in,
32:49then another, then another,
32:51then all you have to do with the clay
32:54is back up the sleepers
32:56and then the water simply comes over the top of the sleepers.
33:05Haven't we done that before?
33:06I just got it in my head, oh, well, we need a pipe,
33:08but we don't need a pipe, do we?
33:10We'll take the pipe out of the way then, won't we?
33:12Use it somewhere else.
33:14Take it back to the farm.
33:14We'll take that back to the farm, certainly.
33:18Unhook it.
33:25You know what I've just worked out?
33:27What's that?
33:28We are now exactly back to where we began in January.
33:34Pipe at the top of the field, nothing done down there.
33:40Never gonna finish this fucking dam.
33:41However, now we have the sleeper plan in place,
33:49I was much more optimistic that we would.
33:52Pull it through, crowd her back, tuck crowd her now.
33:56For the first time ever, I want to leave further ahead
33:59than we were when we got here.
34:03Having prepped the site and rammed some supporting posts into the mud,
34:09it was time to place the sleepers.
34:12Ready?
34:14Right, digger man.
34:17Bud crack alert.
34:19Bud crack alert.
34:21Warning.
34:22Warning.
34:26Down.
34:28More revs.
34:29Using the digger scoop, I then pushed the foundation sleeper firmly into place.
34:36However...
34:39It floats.
34:40We hadn't thought of that, had we?
34:43I'll stand on it forever.
34:49You're not bringing any nails in at all?
34:51It's not, you'll never...
34:53If you put a nail in over the top of the sleeper,
34:56you're creating a bigger crack.
34:57The water will get through.
34:58I just want to put a nail there so I can get up it.
34:59Yes, I know, but then when the next sleeper goes on top,
35:02there'll be a nail-sized gap between the two of them.
35:04So, we need some clamps,
35:08something like clamps.
35:10Or what you can do is get a big screw.
35:12To go through a Southern Railway sleeper,
35:16we've got to go to Stoag.
35:19I'm not suggesting we put another sleeper on
35:21until that one is securely fastened in place.
35:26Look, why isn't that in a book somewhere that would float?
35:31Can you rest that on top of that?
35:32Yeah, can you stand on it then?
35:36You got it?
35:36There you go.
35:38There we go.
35:40Right, another afternoon's work.
35:46And what we've done is nothing of any great worth.
35:53I'm not going to be defeated by this dam, though.
35:55I'm just not.
35:58It would, however, be a while before I could get back to the dam
36:02because, predictably, there were more mushrooms to shift.
36:08Shit!
36:13However, Lisa had had a brainwave.
36:16She reckoned that if we dried the lion's mane mushrooms
36:19in the Diddly Squat dehydration unit and sold them as a powder,
36:24she'd make more money than I was selling them as actual mushrooms.
36:30OK, so you can sell 100 grams for £3 and they last five days.
36:34Mm-hmm.
36:35I can sell 100 grams for £30 and it lasts for a year.
36:42So lion's mane, I went into Chippy earlier
36:44and there's a little health food shop in there
36:46and I asked them how much they sell their lion's mane for
36:48and they say they get it in once a week
36:50and it's sold out on the day it arrives.
36:52It's really good.
36:53It says here, lion's mane mushroom powder, 30 servings for £40.
36:59Yes.
37:01£40?
37:02Yes.
37:03I put it in my coffee every morning
37:04and it's like having a spearmint that goes through your head.
37:07Your whole mind just opens up and you're really clear thinking
37:11and the mornings I don't take it, I really notice the difference.
37:14It's amazing.
37:15Hold on, it says here that it's good for your focus, memory and digestion.
37:20Yep.
37:21Right, so this is the nutrition values on it, yeah?
37:25Yep.
37:25Total fat, 0.
37:27Excellent.
37:27Sodium, 0.
37:29Excellent.
37:29Total carbohydrate, 0.
37:31Total sugars, 0.
37:33Added sugars, 0.
37:35Protein, 0.
37:36There's nothing in it.
37:38Excellent.
37:39Well, how can it help your memory and focus and digestion
37:42when it contains nothing?
37:44The magic of mushrooms.
37:45Yes, I know, but if you add butter, there's a point to it.
37:49How can people...
37:50Why?
37:51Are you complaining or are you growing mushrooms?
37:53I'm going to struggle to stand in the shop and say,
37:56would you like to buy this mushroom powder?
37:58They go, what's in it?
37:59Nothing.
38:00Forever.
38:01Honestly, Lisa, do your friends eat this shit?
38:06Anyone who's everyone takes lion's mane.
38:10I don't understand this at all.
38:12Hello.
38:13Hello, cheerful.
38:14Welcome to a world where Lisa is planning on selling 50 grams for 40 quid.
38:21Wow, what are you doing?
38:22So look, this is my little dehydrator.
38:24Yeah.
38:25So this here was a full tray and it goes down next to nothing
38:30and then I'll just put in a blender, blend it up, stick it in little bags,
38:34put it at best within 12 months.
38:36You're going to sell powder in baggies from a Range Rover?
38:38So you...
38:39Okay.
38:41How do you know it lasts a year?
38:43Because once it's dried and powdered, it has 12 months
38:47because the stuff I buy is dried and powdered and that's it, it's 12 months.
38:50So how do you think that they will know that they've tested it?
38:53They've done their testing, yeah.
38:54But that's not they've done their testing.
38:55They have and ours is even better because it comes from down the road.
38:58They've done their testing.
39:00So they've validated and verified the fact that...
39:05Because dehydrating, you're taking all the moisture out.
39:07Yes.
39:07To remove the water content.
39:09Yes.
39:09So it doesn't grow...
39:10It doesn't grow mold.
39:12Bacteria.
39:12Yes, exactly.
39:13So you've done your hazard analysis and critical control point checks.
39:18HACCP, it's food, basic food standards.
39:20No, no, no, this is from farm to farm.
39:23So you don't have to do that because no, no, no,
39:26that's if you're selling to the wider market.
39:29I am allowed, Charlie, I am allowed to grow tomatoes here and sell them in the shop
39:33and you're allowed to do that within a farm shop thingy.
39:36No.
39:37But you know, once it's dried, it's dehydrated, there's nothing in it but powder.
39:41How do you know it's dry?
39:43Because it'll go into a powder.
39:45Yeah, but in three weeks time it might be full of mold
39:47and yet you've sold it to somebody and then it's moldy.
39:49So it didn't last a year, it will have lasted three weeks.
39:53Okay, so what's your solution, Charlie?
39:55Well, you'll have to test it and then, and then, oh, well, no, test it.
39:58Yes.
39:58There'll be a laboratory.
39:59We're going to find out who, you know, tests it.
40:02Or we could just sell them as mushrooms all day.
40:04That's a waste though because I want a lion's mane in your tea in the morning.
40:08You don't, but nobody wants that.
40:10While we're doing it.
40:11How many men do that? None.
40:12No, not the men that you know because you were born two millenniums ago.
40:16This millennium people, they know all about it.
40:19Okay, as a solution, why do you need to put a year on it?
40:22You just put six weeks, two months.
40:26And that covers my ass?
40:27Yeah.
40:28Okay.
40:28But you'll have to test it for that long.
40:30Okay, oh.
40:32Right, okay, onwards.
40:33Okay, well, I might as well just keep on drawing here, yeah?
40:37Okay, you need to, you need to record what you're doing.
40:40Okay.
40:41I have dried this for two hours.
40:43I'll do a video, yeah.
40:44Good.
40:44I'm going to take some of my video.
40:45Happy hassapping.
40:46Okay, so first of all, video.
40:49First of all, I washed the mushroom.
40:51No, I didn't.
40:52First of all, I cut them off the base.
40:54Then I washed them in there, in a fridge, in a...
40:58First of all, I cut the bottom off and then I washed them
41:01and the whole kitchen has been certified.
41:10As we came to the end of June, everything on the farm was looking wonderful.
41:15But there was a big but, because Charlie was not a happy man.
41:21Put simply, the weather had not been playing ball.
41:26March had been the wettest for 40 years.
41:31May had been freezing.
41:36And June had been the hottest on record.
41:41This looks a mess, doesn't it?
41:43This looks a mess, doesn't it?
41:44But why?
41:46And already, Charlie could see the effects of all this turbulence
41:49by examining what remained of Caleb's oilseed rape.
41:55You know, it hasn't pollinated brilliantly, it hasn't...
41:59So we've got quite a few misses and that's probably when it was cold
42:02and, you know, miserable in April.
42:04Yeah.
42:05It hasn't thrived, has it?
42:06No.
42:09You know, we're half a tonne an acre down.
42:11Yeah.
42:11Across 25 acres, 12 tonnes.
42:15Yeah.
42:16£5,000.
42:19That's a hit, isn't it?
42:20You know, it will be a real challenge in this crop to make a profit.
42:26And once his happiness hoover was switched on,
42:29he was sucking it up from everywhere.
42:34They're not animals, but they're definitely not crutch.
42:37Oh, here we go.
42:37Hello.
42:38This is bound to be good news, everybody.
42:41Why have you brought me, what is it, barley?
42:43So, I've just been for a crop walk.
42:45Yes.
42:45What we've got with the spring barley is, you know, it went in a bit later.
42:50Yeah.
42:50As it's now putting up all these little shoots here, look.
42:53Don't tell me that's bad to have all...
42:55Well, it might stuff your malting barley.
42:59You might not be able to make beer out of it.
43:02Because you've got these very early mature ones
43:06and then there's still enough oomph in the soil
43:09to throw out these little tillers.
43:11And those late maturing ones will be a problem at harvest
43:15because we're going to have some immature fat grains in with the mature grains.
43:20Because you can't physically go and take all these out.
43:24So, you know...
43:26What do we do?
43:27There's nothing we can do.
43:28We just have to hope that it's warm and, you know, dry and they mature at harvest.
43:32Otherwise, there's no Hawkstone from here.
43:36So, you're saying that this won't make...
43:38Well...
43:39What weather do we need?
43:40We just want not too hot because I don't want these to mature too early.
43:45Goldilocks temperature, just right.
43:48Like today?
43:49Like today.
43:49For the next six weeks?
43:51For the next six weeks.
43:51Eight weeks.
43:53If the weather plays ball, we've got half a chance.
43:55If it doesn't, I'm worried.
43:58Yeah, we all know about that.
44:00You know about that?
44:01You've got this...
44:01We've got barley in, we've got wheat in.
44:04And how's your spring barley doing?
44:06It seems to be OK, I think.
44:07You're listening to this.
44:08Their spring barley's all right.
44:10Where are you?
44:11Market Harbour, Leicestershire.
44:13Leicestershire, yeah.
44:14So, what would you say about our spring?
44:16It's the lower shoots of the problem, aren't they?
44:19The lower shoots of the problem, exactly.
44:21It's not what you want to be hearing.
44:29Charlie's gloomy arable forecast put something of a damper on proceedings
44:34as the farm manager and I met for a whiteboard catch-up
44:38and found that Caleb's outgoings had now gone through the £100,000 barrier.
44:48It's scary.
44:49We're having to spend £102,000 and we can't control the outcome.
44:54Yeah.
44:54Geopolitical events, weather.
44:57The price at the end of the day.
44:58Yeah, exactly.
44:59Because, I mean, it's like going to a casino.
45:01If it's a £2 minimum bet, you'll have a pump.
45:04Yeah.
45:05Fun night out with your friends.
45:06If it's a £50,000 minimum bet, you're not going to bet.
45:10No.
45:11In the pot, how much would we spend five years ago?
45:14Oh, probably half that, don't we?
45:15Because the first I'd advise is doubled.
45:17£78,000.
45:18Can you imagine spending £78,000 on something you're going to throw on the ground?
45:23Yeah.
45:25You can't even measure its success.
45:26I mean, I've got four tonne left over.
45:28Yeah, I think, do you know what that is?
45:30Because I've been really like...
45:31Every time I come to the end of the road, I've turned it off quicker.
45:33I mean, seed costs have gone up by 35%, 40%.
45:40Chemicals, you know, they've gone up.
45:43I mean, for example, glyphosate, yeah?
45:45Used to be £40 for a 20-litre can.
45:47Yeah.
45:48£162 now.
45:50£162 for a 20-litre can of glyphosate.
45:54It was weed killer, basically.
45:56Yes.
45:57Christ, these figures are terrifying.
46:00The only positive is that while my side of the board was also in the red,
46:05some of my schemes did look like they'd soon be making a profit.
46:11Honey, that...
46:12That will start coming back in again, won't it?
46:13Yeah, a couple of weeks.
46:14Yeah.
46:16Mushrooms, that could go green.
46:19Mustard, who knows?
46:21That should be a good amount.
46:22It should go green.
46:23Pigs are costing so much.
46:25What's going on?
46:25Well, no, to be honest, this is the total loss at the moment.
46:29But by the time all those that we're selling are sold...
46:32Yeah.
46:32...and sold through the shop...
46:34We should.
46:35...that should go green.
46:36Hang on, why is Wild Farm on my side of the board?
46:40It's your field.
46:42But it's... I thought it was your experiment.
46:45Yeah, on your field.
46:46How is it fair? You make the decision...
46:48Yeah.
46:48...and it's on my side?
46:49I know.
46:50It should be on your side.
46:51No.
46:59I'm fucking crying.
47:07What's going on?
47:09Never.
47:11With Caleb's side of the board looking so shaky,
47:14it was vital that my unfarmed project succeeded.
47:19So we had to get a shift on,
47:21making sure the shop and the burger van,
47:23newly liberated from their cancelled shackles,
47:26were ready and able to deal with the summer holiday tourists.
47:31Check on one burger, one bacon.
47:33Thank you very much.
47:35Go.
47:35Measuring.
47:37This meant getting cracking with the car park.
47:40What are we on now?
47:4145.
47:43We're on go, 68.
47:45I didn't think this would be difficult.
47:47There.
47:49Or expensive.
47:5053 metres.
47:52Or time-consuming.
47:53Right here.
47:55But I was wrong.
47:57Very wrong.
48:0480,000 pounds.
48:06Why don't we do it?
48:08We're gonna have this done in two days.
48:10No, we're not.
48:26So
48:46you
48:56know
49:26you