Top 10 Funniest Movie Monologues
These cinematic speeches have us in stitches! Welcome to WatchMojo, and today we’re counting down our picks for the funniest, wittiest, and most quotable movie monologues in comedies.
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00:00 "This was your great-grandfather's war watch and he wore it every day he was in that war."
00:04 Welcome to WatchMojo, and today we're counting down our picks for the funniest,
00:09 wittiest and most quotable movie monologues in comedies. Beware of spoilers.
00:14 "As you took so many bright, flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Londok, at Hill 364."
00:21 Number 10. Looping for the Dalai Lama, "Caddy Shack"
00:26 "So I tell them I'm a pro-jack, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama himself."
00:34 Receiving the gift of total consciousness from the Dalai Lama has got to be one hell of a tip.
00:39 In this surreally hilarious monologue, Bill Murray's Carl Spackler talks about a time he
00:43 was a tutor for the spiritual leader himself when in Tibet working as a golf caddy.
00:48 "He hauls off in a wax one, big hitter, from the Lama, long, into a 10,000 foot crevice,
00:55 right at the base of this glacier."
00:56 Of course, the Dalai Lama proves to be a strong hitter, and attempts to rip off poor Carl,
01:01 or reward him depending on your beliefs, with the promise of enlightenment on his deathbed.
01:06 "When you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness."
01:13 Perhaps this will even redeem his hunting gophers. Either way, you'd have to be lacking
01:19 in total consciousness to not find this absurd story utterly hilarious.
01:23 "So I got that going for you. Which is nice."
01:27 Number 9. Reality Check - City Slickers
01:30 "Value this time in your life, kids. Because this is the time in your life when you still
01:36 have your choices. And it goes by so fast."
01:39 There are those who go quietly into that good night, and those that look the devil straight
01:43 in the eye and give it to him straight. Billy Crystal's Mitch Robbins clearly belongs to the
01:48 latter group, as evidenced when he attends his son's elementary class for career day.
01:52 Indeed, Mitch is struggling at this point in his life. So, he wastes little time sharing
01:58 the harsh realities of existence with these bushy-tailed youngsters.
02:01 "70s, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale.
02:04 Start eating dinner at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. You have lunch around 10,
02:09 breakfast the night before."
02:10 This modern equivalent of the seven ages of man paints a hilariously dreary picture of life,
02:16 from the freedom of youth to pot-bellied adulthood. It's funny because it's almost too real.
02:21 When did all of us become Mitch?
02:23 "The 80s, you'll have a major stroke. You end up babbling to some Jamaican
02:27 nurse who your wife can't stand, but who you call mama. Any questions?"
02:31 Number 8. Pity Party - Bridesmaids
02:35 "Nope. I don't think you want any help. I think you want to have a little pity party."
02:38 When life gets you down, sometimes you need a friend to slap some sense into you.
02:42 And to deliver a hysterically dark story about a girl named Megan who was teased in high school.
02:46 Melissa McCarthy's Megan is tough and honest, with a pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps
02:51 attitude. Instead of wallowing, she responds to jerks in her teens by focusing on academics.
02:56 Now she works for the government and knows important explosive secrets.
03:00 "I studied really hard. I read every book in the library and now
03:04 I work for the government. I have the highest possible security clearance. Don't repeat that."
03:08 The moral of the story is don't blame the world for your problems because one day you'll work for
03:12 the government. We're kidding. But we could all use a "when life gives you lemon" speech,
03:16 especially if it's going to be delivered in such a ridiculous and hilarious way.
03:20 "I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes. I won't say anything."
03:26 "You would be amazed. A lot of shopping malls."
03:30 "Don't repeat that."
03:31 Number 7. Michael tells the truth. Tootsie.
03:35 "It makes it all the more difficult for me to say what I'm not going to say.
03:38 Yes, I do feel it's time to set the record straight."
03:43 In this iconic gender-bending comedy, Dustin Hoffman plays desperate actor Michael,
03:47 who disguises himself as a woman to bag a role on a soap opera. As Dorothy Michaels,
03:52 Michael turns the character of Emily Kimberley, a Southern hospital administrator,
03:56 into an empowering one. But of course, no secret can remain hidden forever. In the middle of a
04:02 pivotal episode, he reveals the truth by incorporating it into Emily's story in
04:06 truly dramatic fashion. It's also a hilariously apropos twist for a soap opera.
04:11 "I'm Edward Kimberley, the reckless brother of my sister, Anthea."
04:14 "Ahhhh!"
04:15 "Holy Christ!"
04:16 It's made all the more entertaining by how masterfully Hoffman plays a man playing a
04:21 woman in the lead-up to the monologue. We're still in stitches.
04:24 "That is one nutty hospital."
04:28 Number 6. RSVP. Clueless.
04:31 "So, okay, like right now, for example, the Hadeans need to come to America.
04:37 But some people are all, 'What about the strain on our resources?'"
04:41 Like Jane Austen's Emma, the literary figure she's modeled after,
04:45 Cher Horowitz is a spoiled, if charming, rich girl with a penchant for matchmaking.
04:49 She also comes up with the most unexpectedly amusing analogies. In class, she argues for
04:55 granting refuge to Haitians who need to come to America, which is totally like when guests show
05:00 up to a party without having RSVP'd, right? "But people came that like did not RSVP,
05:05 so I was like totally buggin'." Is she kind of just winging it? Probably.
05:09 Does she pronounce Haitians correctly? Definitely not. But she's so confident in her argument
05:15 that it's hard not to be mesmerized. Thanks to this juxtaposition, we find ourselves not
05:20 just giggling but nodding along as she reminds everyone of what the Statue of Liberty symbolizes.
05:25 "And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty."
05:32 Number 5. Bluto rallies the troops. National Lampoon's Animal House.
05:37 "Over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"
05:43 It ain't over till Bluto says it's over. When the Delta fraternity brothers fail their midterm exam
05:48 after swiping a fake answer key, they find themselves facing expulsion. Bluto is not having
05:53 it though, delivering a rousing speech to his troops. "Was it over when the Germans bombed
05:58 Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" "Germans? Forget it, he's rolling."
06:03 The only thing is, he's far from a Shakespearean orator, or a historian, comically bumbling through
06:09 his inaccurate speech and even uttering a war cry. His rant is so unsuccessful that when the guys
06:15 actually start listening, Bluto can hardly believe it. Even the orchestra gets in the spirit,
06:20 which makes the whole ordeal all the more priceless. We band of brothers indeed.
06:25 "Let's do it. Let's do it!"
06:30 Number 4. Donnie's eulogy. The Big Lebowski. Eulogies should not be funny, right? Well,
06:36 tell that to Walter. According to him, Donnie was a bowler, a surfer, a friend, a bowler,
06:42 and you guessed it, a bowler. Clearly, Walter didn't know his friend much outside of bowling,
06:47 and there are a lot of laughs to be gleaned from that. "He died as so many young men of
06:51 his generation before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him." But there are other details
06:57 that make this scene stand out too, like the Departed's ashes and the Folgers' coffee tin
07:02 being solemnly dedicated to the Pacific Ocean. "In accordance with what we think your dying
07:08 wishes might well have been, we commit your final, mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean."
07:16 Sadly, but hilariously, Walter's somber attempts at a proper funeral eulogy blow up in his face,
07:23 or rather, the dudes. And as always, Vietnam is somehow relevant.
07:28 "These young men gave their lives. So did Donnie. Donnie who loved bowling."
07:36 Number 3. The Gold Watch - Pulp Fiction
07:39 "This watch was on your daddy's wrist when he was shot down over at Hanoi."
07:44 The life of this particular piece of jewelry could put the one ring to shame.
07:48 In Pulp Fiction, Christopher Walken plays U.S. veteran of the Vietnam War Captain Coons.
07:53 He imparts a gold watch to a young Butch Coolidge, delivering a comic monologue for
07:57 the ages in the process. We learn that this watch belonged to Butch's great-grandfather,
08:02 who passed it down between generations. When Vietnam came, Butch's father hid it in a rather
08:07 untraditional manner, utilizing his own behind. "So he hid it. In one place he knew he could
08:12 hide something, his ass." After five years, he gave it to Coons, who continued the tradition.
08:18 Young Butch immediately taking the watch, paired with Walken's completely serious delivery,
08:23 turns this satire about tradition into comedy gold. "Little man, I gave the watch to you."
08:28 Number 2. The Waco Kid - Blazing Saddles
08:33 "I don't know if you ever heard of me before, but I used to be called the Waco Kid."
08:41 Speaking of absurd monologues involving derrieres, this one is weirdly tragic.
08:47 Before Gene Wilder's Jim was called, well, Jim, he was known as the Waco Kid, renowned for having
08:52 the fastest hands in the West. One day, a kid challenged him, and when he refused,
09:03 shot him in his lower back. Jim made his way to a locale nearby, and found refuge in what else but a
09:08 whole lot of whiskey, and now here we are. It's impossible to keep a straight face listening to
09:13 him go on. Wilder's naturalistic comic skill, and the writing in general, are immaculate,
09:18 making what should be a serious story into something that somehow puts a smile on our faces.
09:23 Before we unveil our top pick, here are some honorable mentions.
09:37 Cerulean - The Devil Wears Prada - Bitingly epic words that leave us blue in the face.
09:42 You're wearing a sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room, from a pile of stuff.
09:48 Last Minute Gift Ideas - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Breakdowns are always
09:54 funnier with eggnog. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane
09:59 with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here with a big ribbon on his head.
10:04 Playing Sick - Ferris Bueller's Day Off - Ferris sure has a witty way of explaining his lying.
10:09 "The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom.
10:15 I'm a big believer in it."
10:16 The Santa Story - Gremlins - Finding out Santa doesn't exist this way would be the worst.
10:22 "And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus."
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10:42 Number 1 - An Interesting Childhood - Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery
10:49 No one weeps for the wicked, except if it's for Dr. Evil and his
10:57 inconsequential childhood story. Then we all weep. Tears of laughter, that is.
11:02 Austin Powers has always understood vicious cycles. Take the cycle of gluttony.
11:06 "I eat because I'm unhappy.
11:08 I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle."
11:16 But Dr. Evil's tragic backstory takes the hilarity cake. Let's just say his parents
11:22 had a lot going on, between his dad claiming to have invented the question mark and his mom's job.
11:26 "My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade
11:31 narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery."
11:34 Oh, and there's the whole business of the meat helmets and evil's experiences that are too
11:38 graphic for us to get into. Highlighting the fantastical nonsensical nature of the typical
11:42 Bond villain, the satire is only made possible by the earnestness,
11:46 gravitas and eloquence Mike Myers brings to this iconic monologue.
11:50 "Pretty standard, really."
11:52 Which other comic film monologue had you rolling on the ground? Let us know in the comments below.
11:57 "He was a man who loved the outdoors. And bowling."
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12:10 [Music]