Me and My Girl S1 Episode 4
Me and My Girl S1 Episode 4
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FunTranscript
00:00My girl and me know that our love will last forever
00:07My girl and me know that we two belong together
00:14But sometimes it seems I shatter her dreams
00:21With some careless word or foolish lie
00:27Me and my girl we've got each other
00:32Whatever life may send us
00:35Me and my girl we've got each other
00:39However life may bend us
00:42Sure we'll see tears fall
00:46Love never was all rainbows
00:51But there'll always be
00:56Me and my girl
00:59My girl and me
01:05Sam?
01:07It's gone 8.30. You shouldn't have let me lie in for so long.
01:11Well, Maddy's on holiday, remember?
01:13We have to cope for ourselves this week.
01:15Oh, Sam, I'm sorry if I knew it was going to upset you this much.
01:19It's not Maddy. This is the onions.
01:22Onions? We're having onions for breakfast?
01:24No, for dinner. We're having a batch of this recipe.
01:27Birthed bourguignon.
01:29I say, that's a bit ambitious. Are you sure you've got all the right ingredients?
01:32Well, I couldn't find any bird.
01:34Starting with a tin of Spam.
01:37Spam bourguignon.
01:39Well, everything else is authentic. And I'm using wine and everything.
01:43Sam?
01:46Mouton Rothschild 76. You shouldn't have used this.
01:49Oh, why, it's punk colour.
01:51Punk colour's great, but, you know, Mouton Rothschild 76 on Spam.
01:56It's not just Spam.
01:58And Maddy's taken up a few notes to help us.
02:00A few? She's practically repainted the kitchen. What's this?
02:03Cupboard A. Best China.
02:05P.S. Do not wash small milk jug in hot water, as handle will come off again.
02:09P.P.S. If the handle comes off, superglue is in boot cupboard S.
02:13OK.
02:14Oh, P.P.P.S. Suddenly remembered, out of superglue, so ignore P.P.S.
02:18P.P.P.P.S. Better still, do not use small milk jug. Well, thanks very much.
02:23She sent us a postcard as well.
02:26Had a terrible journey getting here, but I made it in one piece.
02:30But she only left us last night.
02:32I know, this was sent from King's Cross Station.
02:34Oh, I see. Well, it's nice to see that she's keeping in touch with us.
02:37Well, I'm missing you both already.
02:39I hope you haven't burned the kitchen down yet.
02:41Ha-ha joke. Love, Maddy.
02:43Right, do you want some toast?
02:44Are you going to make it?
02:46Well, I don't know, you see. I mean, Maddy hasn't left us any notes on how to work the toaster.
02:50What's even worse, she hasn't written anything on the bread.
02:53I mean, how are we supposed to know what side to put the butter on?
03:01Liz.
03:02Oh, morning, Mr. Harrop.
03:03Give us a hand with these, will you?
03:05Lucky, I know I said we were a bit low in biscuits, but you've gone berserk about it.
03:09No, it's just that I've got to do all the shopping while Maddy's on holiday.
03:12Hey, do you know they don't give pink stamps anymore?
03:15Oh, get on with it.
03:16That lot there cost me 20 pounds.
03:19A couple of years back, I could have got a lot for five bucks.
03:22Aye, and 20 wouldn't bind.
03:24And six pound to beer.
03:26And best seats in Roxy Cinema to see Greta Garbo.
03:30Me bargain them weather days.
03:34It's not funny, Liz.
03:36Well, you think that's bad. You ought to try buying decent makeup.
03:40See this?
03:41Two pound thirty-five.
03:43Two pounds thirty-five. That's an absolute scandal.
03:46Derek, look at this eye shadow.
03:48Simon, where have you been?
03:49Shopping.
03:50Two pounds thirty-five.
03:57You're not...
03:58You're not going to wear it round here, are you?
04:01And they don't give pink stamps either anymore.
04:03Do they? I wonder if Muriel knows.
04:05They stopped all that about five years ago.
04:08I wondered why she was taking so long to fill up that last book.
04:11She's going to be very disappointed.
04:13Why?
04:14She was saving up for chest expanders.
04:16Before you go through, Nell's here.
04:18She's got to be handled with kid gloves, all right?
04:20She's a bit pleased yourself.
04:22What?
04:23Very depressed.
04:24Depressed?
04:25Ever since I woke up this morning, I felt shrouded in a dark pool of gloom and futility.
04:32Well, I must say, it's jolly nice of you to spread it around like this.
04:37I need a sense of purpose.
04:39In the last few weeks, I've begun to feel old, unwanted and in the way.
04:46And don't all rush to contradict me.
04:49No, I'm sorry. Of course you're not, um...
04:52What was it?
04:53Old.
04:54Unwanted.
04:55In the way.
04:56And you're certainly not in the way.
04:57You're definitely not unwanted.
04:59And you're not old neither.
05:01Thank you, Liz.
05:02Well, not that old.
05:05Nell, you only feel in the way because you've got decorators in this week.
05:08Oh, there are men everywhere.
05:10Oh, well that can't be bad, can't it?
05:13Look at this.
05:14Oh no, not another love bite.
05:17It's of rash. I'm allergic to white spirit.
05:20Then don't drink it.
05:23Decorators, white spirit.
05:25That's another reason why I felt I might spend more of my time here.
05:29After all, I am the major shareholder.
05:33What, you mean here, in the office?
05:35Do try to contain your joy, Simon.
05:38It plays havoc with my humility.
05:42We've got to produce something pretty special for the Bristol UK fibre people.
05:47No, that is a word processor. You don't have to bash it like a typewriter.
05:51Sorry, force of habit.
05:53Right, now where have we got to?
05:55Oh, we're trying to get a...
05:56Nell, please!
05:59Sorry again, Derek, but it's not easy learning this word processing business.
06:03If you hit the wrong key, whole lines dribble off the end of the screen like lemmings.
06:10Whoops, there goes another.
06:14Nell!
06:15It's a very sensitive computer. Stop it.
06:18Look, please, can we get back to the Bristol UK fibre presentation?
06:21Come on, Derek. Now look.
06:23I think the dancers sort of introduced the cash incentive scheme, yes?
06:27Yeah, we could use that song from Cabaret.
06:29You know, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money...
06:33I think it's called Money.
06:35How does it go again?
06:36You know, when you haven't got a this and you haven't got a that and you haven't got the other and you haven't got a thing
06:41and the wolf blows down your drawers, oh, money makes the wolf...
06:45The wolf does what?
06:48I was quoting from memory, Nell.
06:51The important thing is it would be ideal for the girls to pass through the audience
06:55dressed in something pretty scanty, handing out the vouchers.
06:58Oh, really.
07:00Excuse me, Nell, did you say something?
07:02No, I don't think so.
07:03Right. Now, all right, let's follow this Cabaret theme through.
07:07How about all the girls looking like the sort of, you know, Sally Bowles look, yeah?
07:11Bowler hat.
07:12Fishnets, stockings.
07:13Suspenders.
07:14Oh, very sexy suspenders.
07:17Pathetic.
07:19Nell.
07:20Pay no attention, Simon. Just talking to myself.
07:23Right, now, where were we?
07:24I don't know about you, but I was on the suspenders.
07:27Dear, oh, dear.
07:29Please, Nell, we're trying to have a creative discussion here.
07:33Creative discussion.
07:35Bicycle shed smut.
07:38I know we're entertaining a convention of salesmen,
07:42but couldn't we think just a little higher than suspenders?
07:45Well, how much higher had you up your neck?
07:49I don't mean anything too highbrow, but just for a change,
07:53wouldn't they like to see a male vocalist?
07:56Kenneth McKellar, for instance.
07:59Kenneth McKellar?
08:02In fishnet stockings and suspenders.
08:05That would make a change.
08:07Oh, Samantha.
08:09Can I speak to Dad, please?
08:10Of course, of course.
08:11Oh, Mr Harrop, your daughter's on the line.
08:14Hello, Sam.
08:15Hello, Dad.
08:16Yeah?
08:17Oh, um, were you really looking forward to that spam burgling you on tonight?
08:21Well, of course I was.
08:22Oh.
08:23Well, it's only that when I left for school, I put it on a low heat,
08:27but I don't really think it was low enough.
08:30What, you think you might have burnt it?
08:32Well, I better let one of the firemen tell you.
08:34OK.
08:35Fireman?
08:38Sam?
08:39Sam?
08:40Sam?
08:41You're absolutely right, Nell has got to go.
08:43Will you be quiet, please?
08:44I think Sam's just set fire to the house.
08:46Wasn't Maddy there?
08:47She's away on holiday for the week.
08:49Oh, yes.
08:50Oh, she is.
08:51Can the two of you be quiet, please?
08:52Sorry, you said that there was no fire, but...
08:55Someone saw the smoke and phoned us, but there's no damage done.
08:58I will say this for your daughter.
09:00She may have trouble with the haute cuisine,
09:02but she makes a smashing cup of tea.
09:06Thanks very much, officer.
09:07Listen, tell my daughter no more cooking till I get home, OK?
09:10Thanks a lot. Bye.
09:11Bye.
09:12Congratulate me, I've managed to persuade Nell to go.
09:15What did you say?
09:16I convinced her she'd be more useful elsewhere.
09:19She's getting her things together now.
09:20Well done.
09:21I think I can safely say that we won't see her around here for the rest of the week.
09:25Where's she going?
09:26Round to your place to look after you.
09:30Yes.
09:40Nell?
09:42Nell?
09:43Did you call?
09:47Nell, I'm just going to use the bathroom.
09:50I made a special effort, Simon, and got in early. It's all yours.
09:54Morning, Dad.
09:55Morning.
10:00And in the evenings, all we can watch is sort of documentaries and nature programmes.
10:05Last night, for instance, we sat through a report on the sex life of the female marabou stork.
10:11I mean, I know more about it now than the male storks do.
10:14So I take it you don't want to go home early this evening?
10:17Well, I don't know. I'm hoping they might sort of repeat that programme.
10:20I mean, there was this little stork, little female one, she had a really sexy food sack.
10:24Oh, Mr. Harold.
10:27Sorry, Liz.
10:28It's just that I don't want to go home early this evening.
10:31It's the night Muriel holds her Jane Fonda workout group.
10:34Which?
10:35She gets this bunch of local fatties round.
10:38They put on a record and then proceed to stretch, fold and mutilate their pathetic bodies.
10:45It's not a pretty sight, I can tell you.
10:47Last week, I tried going to bed early, but it was no use.
10:50Their shrieks of pain still came up through the floorboard.
10:53And all the time you can hear Jane Fonda saying,
10:55Isn't it great? Don't you feel just wonderful?
10:58So I told Muriel I was entertaining a client this evening.
11:02Do you know, I think I might entertain the client with you.
11:05A little sort of dinner for two, perhaps.
11:09A little crispy dry white wine.
11:12I was thinking more of a full-bodied red burgundy.
11:15Were you? Yes.
11:16Well, perhaps we'd better have a bottle of each.
11:19That would certainly solve that problem.
11:23And then we'd better ask for the menu.
11:28Yes, yes, I suppose we should eat something.
11:33Well, I'm glad someone's enjoying themselves.
11:36Watching a documentary on Beethoven's deafness.
11:41Oh, and really interesting it is, too.
11:44Just going to put some milk on for bedtime cocoa.
11:47Oh, great.
11:49And then she wants to watch the news.
11:51And then discussion on chemical farming.
11:54And the future of the British moth.
11:56Yeah, and moth balls do, too.
11:59If that's your father, could I have a quick word?
12:01Oh, Dad, could Gran have...
12:03Dad? The pips are going.
12:06Dad?
12:07Sorry, Gran. I think his money must have run out.
12:10I should have mentioned it this morning.
12:12I know this is my last day here,
12:14but I can't stand another night in Madeline's bed.
12:17It's the problem of the sag.
12:19Oh, does it sag?
12:20No, but I do.
12:22I need a firm support.
12:24Well, Dad's got a hard bed.
12:26And he's going to be back late.
12:28If you left a note in his door,
12:29you can have his bed and he can have Maddie's.
12:31Won't he mind?
12:32Oh, I don't think so, Gran.
12:34He's used to sleeping in, er, strange beds.
12:38Shh. Now, listen.
12:40Absolute silence.
12:41Cos it's after two o'clock in the morning.
12:43Are you sure you're going to be all right on your own, son?
12:48Listen, if you could just try to keep your knees straight
12:52while I'm trying to find the key door.
12:54Knees?
12:55Yes, those bits that bend in the middle.
12:57Aye, of course. Sorry to go on.
12:59I'm just trying to find the key door.
13:01I'm trying to find the key door.
13:03I'm trying to find the key door.
13:05In the middle.
13:06Aye, of course. Sorry to go all wobbly on you.
13:08I think that barman was putting something in my drink.
13:11What sort of thing?
13:13Alcohol.
13:16Aye, of course. Alcohol.
13:18Shh.
13:29Mind the step, Gary.
13:32Ah.
13:35Now, listen.
13:36I'm going to give you something to soap yourself up before you get home.
13:39Good idea. I'll have a large brandy.
13:42No, that's not what I had in mind.
13:44I don't have to go home anyway.
13:46I've got a battery eraser.
13:48Oh, you've come well prepared, have you?
13:50I've got the Boy Scout movement to thank for that.
13:53Oh, no, don't thank them now. Ring them up in the morning.
13:57I'm rigging Muriel so she won't worry.
14:00Well, what sort of story are you going to tell her, then, eh?
14:03I don't know. I don't know, Sam.
14:05I never, ever fib to my wife when I've had a few.
14:10Thank you.
14:11Never have, never will.
14:15That's why you're going to fib to her.
14:21Hello. Hello.
14:24Hello. Muriel.
14:26This is Simon Harrop, yeah?
14:29Yeah, look, sorry, we're still with the...
14:32We're still with the client, yeah.
14:34Sorry about this. I'm terribly sorry.
14:38Noise.
14:39That is the purr of the client's Rolls-Royce engine, you see.
14:43Yes, I'm in the car.
14:44Yes, I'm on the car phone, you see.
14:50I'm sorry, Derek can't talk to you because he's in the front,
14:53and you see, and the phone won't reach.
14:55Oh, look, Salford!
15:00No, listen, he'll most probably sleep here.
15:03No, sorry, not in the car.
15:05I mean, when we get back from Salford,
15:10he'll most probably sleep in my place, yes.
15:17Windscreen wipers.
15:21Yes, Muriel. Yes, don't worry.
15:23Don't worry, don't worry, Muriel.
15:25Yes, I will, I will.
15:30I have got to give you a kiss and cuddle.
15:36Lips that taste liquor shall never, ever taste mine.
15:39Sorry, sorry.
15:41You will sleep here.
15:43What, on the couch?
15:46Yes, it's a jolly comfortable couch, too.
15:49I mean, think of all the effort I've saved you.
15:53What effort?
15:54Climbing all those stairs.
15:56You know, I never thought of that.
15:58You're a damn decent chap, Simon.
16:00You're a real chap who thinks about other real chaps.
16:03And not just chaps, either.
16:05Chapesses as well.
16:07Doesn't matter who they are or how boring they may be,
16:11you always give them a sympathetic...
16:14A sympathetic...
16:17A sympathetic hearing.
16:19Simon, I said you're very sympathotic.
16:23Simon!
16:25Can't face the stairs, eh?
16:27Well, you take my bed and I'll go and sleep in your bed.
16:34Time to step, Derek.
16:39Simon was right, the stairs are absolute killers.
16:44Maddy's room.
16:47Samantha's room.
16:51And the simple Simon's room.
17:04Who's that?
17:06Hello?
17:08Hello? Hello?
17:10Hello?
17:13Oh.
17:15Hello.
17:17Hello, Muriel. Yes?
17:20No, I told you Derek stayed here last night.
17:24Jessica?
17:26Oh, that is bad news, yeah.
17:28OK, well, I'll tell him to come straight home as soon as he's woken up.
17:32Yes. OK, Muriel. Bye.
17:42Bye.
18:00Oh, good grief.
18:13Oh!
18:22Oh!
18:24Don't say a word. Just get out of bed.
18:29Is that love?
18:31Get out of bed!
18:42Oh!
19:13Come in.
19:16Morning, Gran. Did you sleep any better?
19:19Yes, thank you, Sam. Was your father all right in Madeline's bed?
19:23I don't know. I haven't seen him yet.
19:25Oh!
19:28What happened here?
19:30Um...
19:32Could I, um...
19:35Could you come with me, please, Gran?
19:38Come with you where?
19:41Um...
19:43To the bathroom.
19:45Where did he go?
19:48Spider?
19:50What? Spider under the bed.
19:55Um, in the bath. Spider in the bath.
19:58Please get rid of it, Gran. I can't stand spiders.
20:01Neither can I, but he's probably just as scared of us.
20:07Come on. Come on, Derek.
20:09Has that spider gone yet? I don't like spiders.
20:12He isn't really a spider, you fratty!
20:18Walk backwards.
20:19Backwards? Walk backwards.
20:21I'll fall downstairs.
20:23And leave the chair running.
20:31Where are you? Where?
20:33Morning, Nell. We've just popped in through the front door.
20:37Oh, Dad, what have you got that flobble over your shoulders?
20:40Sam, please, don't be personal.
20:42And can you answer the phone, please? It's most probably Muriel again.
20:44Muriel again?
20:45You two look as if you could do with some black coffee.
20:48Yeah, and some orange juice, please, as well, Nell, thanks.
20:51What was that about Muriel?
20:53Oh, it's Jessica, your little one. I think she's got chicken pox.
20:55Chicken pox? Isn't that the one that affects a man's...
20:58No, that's mumps.
21:00You haven't had mumps, have you?
21:02Oh, be quiet.
21:04Hang on a minute. I've just heard Dad.
21:06It's Maddy from Scotland.
21:08She wants to stay up another week for the wedding.
21:10Another week?
21:12Oh, I'd be more than happy to look after you till then.
21:15Who's a lucky boy, then?
21:17Crawler.
21:19Of course, I wouldn't want to stay if you didn't want me to,
21:22or if you felt you could get on just as well without me.
21:25Well, if you put it like that, Nell, I suppose you'd better go after breakfast.
21:29Dad!
21:31So she can go home and pick up whatever she needs for the rest of the week.
21:35Hello, Maddy.
21:37Of course, you can stay as long as you like. We're in expert hands. Bye.
21:40Thank you, Simon.
21:42And you two can choose the television programmes.
21:45I won't be here in the evenings.
21:47Oh, good. Great.
21:49Why not?
21:51I'm doing a week of evening classes in work processing,
21:54so as soon as I finish here, I can move straight back into the office.
21:57Well, um, actually...
21:59I think that sounds a great idea.
22:01You do?
22:03Yes. And in fact, Nell, you can have my desk if you wish.
22:06Where are you going to sit?
22:08Oh, Derek, don't you remember?
22:10That week, I'll be in Bristol for the UK Fibre presentation,
22:13so Nell can look after you.
22:16Well...
22:18So who's a lucky boy?
22:33Thank you.
23:03However life may bend us
23:07Sure we'll see tears fall
23:11Love never was all rainbows
23:16But they'll always be
23:21Me and my girl