Me and My Girl S1 Episode 1
Me and My Girl S1 Episode 1
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00:00My girl and me know that our love will last forever
00:07My girl and me know that we two belong together
00:14But sometimes it seems I shatter our dreams
00:21With some careless word or foolish lie
00:27Me and my girl we've got each other
00:32Whatever life may send us
00:35Me and my girl we've got each other
00:39However life may bend us
00:42Sure we'll see tears fall
00:46Love never was all rainbows
00:51But there'll always be
00:56Me and my girl
00:59My girl and me
01:21My girl and me
01:51My girl and me
02:21Is never off the phone
02:22Any second now his mother-in-law is about to descend on me
02:25What's his wife gonna say about it?
02:27She died ten years ago
02:28Bit of luck, innit?
02:29What?
02:30Well, if she was still alive, you'd have her on your back as well
02:34Oh, Lord
02:35Ah, in here now
02:37Any news of the rotter yet?
02:38No, so sorry, no
02:40Oh, I'll never forgive him, never
02:42This the mother-in-law?
02:43Yes
02:44Look, do you mind, please?
02:46If that's a kettle, I'm dying for a cup of tea
02:48You and me both, missus
02:49And it's on a blink
02:50I could get you something a bit stronger if you preferred
02:53Oh, that's very kind
02:54Any Campari?
02:55Not you
02:56Well, just take the kettle to the loo, will you, please?
02:58I ain't gonna do much good in there, is it?
03:00I presume we haven't hired this person for his conversation
03:03And what's it to you?
03:04I happen to be one of the directors of this company
03:07The only one who has any money
03:09He's here to mend the radiators now
03:11Well, I hope he makes a better job of it than the last chap
03:14I was the last chap
03:16What are you gonna have, then?
03:19Oh, actually, if I may, I'll have a gin fizz to compliment my present mood
03:24I didn't think Simon was such a rotter
03:27I mean, he promised Samantha that trip to the theatre on Saturday afternoon
03:31And all we get is this pathetic telemessage thing
03:35Sorry, Sam, complications mean extended stay here
03:39Love you, love you, love you
03:41Saying it three times doesn't make it any more convincing, does it?
03:45And it's no good trying to defend him, Derek
03:47Are these or are these not the actions of a rotter?
03:50If you let me get a word in, Hedgeways, yes
03:52What?
03:53I agree with you
03:54Oh
03:55Oh, well, in that case
03:56What?
03:57Cheers
04:02Morning
04:03Hello
04:04Uh, somebody in there with Derek?
04:05Uh, his mate's mum-in-law
04:07Oh
04:08You're him, aren't you?
04:10So, see, who are you?
04:11Uh, the radiator's on a bling again
04:13Aren't you the chap that fixed them a couple of weeks back?
04:15That's right
04:16I thought I recognised the feet
04:20You're so...
04:21Nell, Nell, Nell, Nell
04:22Now, come on, before you start
04:24Don't start
04:25Just tell me, is Sam with you?
04:27Yes, she is with me
04:28Or rather, she was
04:30Madeline's taken her to school now
04:32And thanks to your piggish behaviour
04:34A rocky weekend was had by all
04:36Oh, come on, Nell, I'll make it up to her
04:38There we are, Derek
04:39Now, you're always saying I never remember you when I'm off on these jaunts
04:41Uh, these are the ones you smoke
04:43I gave up smoking a fortnight ago
04:45But the way you've been carrying on
04:47I may very well take it up again
04:49No bribes for me, Simon
04:51No, Nell, I know you're incorruptible
04:53Like the Boy Scout movement
04:54Talking of which, where on earth
04:56Did you get that terrible tent you're wearing?
04:58Not so damn good
05:00Come on, here are
05:01Here's some of these Swiss chops I know you like
05:03Well, you know what you can do with them
05:05Ah, now, come on, Nell
05:07I'm sorry if I've upset everybody
05:09Honestly, I really couldn't help it
05:11We got to the airport
05:13And Gillian, the choreographer
05:14Oh, so it was Gillian
05:15That's the one I was telling you about
05:16Legs right up to here
05:18Yeah
05:19She turned around to me as we were checking our cases
05:21And said, hey
05:23Let's not go home
05:25You know, it was
05:26It was one of those sort of
05:27Whirlwind spontaneous animal sort of things, you know
05:30You mean like Billy Smart's circus?
05:34I didn't expect either of you to understand
05:36Wait a minute, Simon
05:37I've got three kids, you know
05:38And at least two of them occurred
05:39As a result of a whirlwind spontaneous animal sort of thing
05:43I'm so sorry, dear
05:44Admittedly, the last one wasn't quite so much of a whirlwind
05:46But we had double glazing put in the bedroom by then
05:50If you've both finished discussing your wind
05:53Could we talk about Sam?
05:55This constant parade of women through your life
05:58Can't be good for her
05:59She's growing up, Simon
06:00And she needs stability
06:01She's got stability
06:02Maddie's been looking after her ever since Ruth died
06:04I mean, she's practically a permanent fixture
06:07I envy that, you know
06:08We've never managed to keep an au pair longer than a fortnight
06:11After that time
06:12They either have to be restrained from strangling the kids
06:14Or they're pregnant
06:17Not by me, I hasten to add
06:19Have you ever thought of remarrying?
06:21No point, really
06:22Just me more children
06:23More and more
06:24Even more children
06:26I think she meant me, Derek
06:29Oh, I'm so sorry
06:30Sorry
06:32You were a decent enough husband to Ruth
06:35And I was touched that you mourned her so long
06:37No, I promise you
06:38For two years, I never even looked at another woman
06:40Now, that is true, no?
06:41I know it is
06:43But by heaven, he's making up for it now, isn't he?
06:45Anna, come on, Nell
06:46I've got my own life to lead
06:47I thought Sam was part of your life
06:50She's all I have left of my daughter
06:52And I won't let you go on hurting her
06:54The way you've hurt her this weekend
06:56I think I'll just try and mend the kettle
06:59Oh, it's all right, Derek
07:00I've got rid of my fizz now
07:02Oh, come on, Nell
07:03I'll make it up to her, I promise
07:04Hey, look
07:06I bought her this at the airport
07:08What do you think?
07:10Do you think she'll like it?
07:11Well, if nothing else, it's a reminder of you
07:14How's that?
07:15It's got some neck
07:38Oh, hi, Maddie
07:52Oh, Mr Harrop, you're safe and sound
07:55Thank heaven for that
07:57I was just about to phone Interpol when they said you were back
08:00I don't think you need trouble, Interpol, my dear
08:02Mr Harrop, on the Continent, things happen
08:06They certainly happen to me
08:07It's all that sun and garlic
08:09And the fact that you can't drink the water
08:12What's the water got to do with it?
08:14Well, it means that they can't put anything in it
08:16To tone down the brute passions
08:20Oh, you know what I mean
08:21Well, I think I do, yes
08:23I went on a package trip to one of them erotic locales
08:27Don't you mean exotic?
08:29Never again
08:30Never
08:31Do you know there were men there?
08:34Yes
08:35I was appalled
08:36They treated me like, well, like a... object
08:42A sex object
08:43Don't say that word
08:44I'm sorry, a sex
08:46Can you believe it?
08:50Can you believe it?
08:52Oh, here, but listen to me going on
08:54You'll be wanting something to eat after your long trip
08:56No, I'd better go and see Sam first
08:58Oh, here, why don't you have this sandwich?
09:00I've just made it
09:01Er, no thanks
09:02It's delicious
09:03Cream cheese and strawberry jam
09:06No, I still don't want it
09:08No, neither do I
09:09I don't know why I made it
09:11Perhaps you're hungry
09:12Oh, I don't see how I can be
09:13I've had four of them already
09:27Do you want to pick a minute?
09:29Oh, thanks
09:31Hey, listen
09:32I found this chap in my flight bag
09:34I think he was fleeing the guillotine
09:36Oh, he's sweet, thanks
09:40Hey, listen, come on
09:41Don't I get a kiss?
09:44Hey, you haven't shaved today
09:46Huh? No, no
09:47I must have packed my razor in somebody else's case
09:49Whose case?
09:51Erm, a colleague
09:53A bloke
09:54This bloke
09:56There was this bloke I was sharing a room with, you know
09:58And there was a sort of mix-up with hotel rooms
10:00And I must have probably put my razor in his bag by mistake
10:04Oh, what a lot of mix-ups
10:06Yeah
10:07Listen, Sam
10:08I'm very sorry about the theatre
10:10Granny told me how upset she was
10:12Did she give you hell?
10:13I should say
10:14Good for her, she said she would
10:16She thinks I should get married
10:18What do you think?
10:19Well, it depends on who you marry
10:22Well, Granny's very keen on the idea
10:24She's a bit old for you, isn't she?
10:28No, no
10:29She's just a little bit worried that maybe, you know
10:32Sometimes the girls I occasionally go out with...
10:34Your bits
10:35My what?
10:36Your bits
10:38Bits?
10:39You know, as in bits on the side
10:43Sam, I don't think that's very nice
10:45Oh, I'm sorry, Dad
10:46I'll call them your lovers if you prefer it
10:48They're not my lovers
10:49I don't see why we have to call them anything
10:52You know, at school when we're discussing it
10:54Excuse me, you discuss my love affairs at school?
10:56I thought they weren't love affairs
10:58They are not, they are not, they are not, they are not
11:03What they are is they are...
11:09Friendly affairs
11:11Oh, friendly?
11:13Yes
11:14So you go to bed without loving them?
11:16Yes
11:17No
11:19Actually, Sam, I don't think I actually want to discuss my sleeping habits
11:23But I thought you wanted to talk about marriage
11:25Well, I do
11:26But that'll involve sleeping habits, won't it?
11:28Well, I certainly hope so
11:29Look, the point is, Dad, if you've got Veronica and Jane and the other friends you sleep with
11:34And you've got Maddy to do the cooking and look after me
11:36What do you want to get married for?
11:42Well, actually, it's because of you, really
11:45Me?
11:46Yeah
11:47Oh, I'm all right, Dad
11:48I've got Snoopy to sleep with
11:49Oh, you're more than all right
11:51No, it's just that Granny, she thinks maybe you lack a little bit of stability
11:55Oh, I think you've brought me up perfectly
11:57I mean, let's face it, the way the world is today
12:00It's not good to trust people completely
12:02Yes, but you do, uh, you do trust me, don't you, Sam?
12:05Well, you can't help breaking promises
12:07I'm sure your business was important
12:09Or you would have been home
12:12But it was important, wasn't it, Dad?
12:14Well, yes, at the time, yes
12:16It seemed very, very important
12:19Excuse me, Mr Harrop, there's a phone call
12:21Who is it?
12:22It's Gillian from Monte Carlo
12:24Oh, right, I'll just...
12:25And she just wants to know if you need your razor
12:27It seems you've parked it in her place for her stay
12:33Thanks, Maddy
12:35Um...
12:38Right, well, um, perhaps I'd better have a...
12:41I'd better have a quick word with her
12:46Won't be long
12:47Don't hurry, Dad
12:48After all, she was very, very important, wasn't she?
12:53Oh, Sam
13:13That bloke didn't do a blind blade of good with the radiator
13:15It's still banging
13:16Yes, but it's much more of a sort of a funky rhythm, I think
13:24Still no joy with the theatre ticket?
13:26No, the box office is still engaged
13:30For whom the bell tolls?
13:32What is it tonight?
13:33Muriel's having a course of sunbed treatment
13:35So I've got to pick up Jessica from her karate class
13:39Karate? She's only six
13:42It's absolutely terrifying
13:43There's this room full of tiny tots honking about in Japanese
13:46and kicking holes in the walls
13:49Why'd you let her do it?
13:51I'd rather she kicked holes in their walls than ours
13:54Yoo-hoo!
13:55Nell
13:57Oh, thank heaven you're still here
14:00I can't find a taxi anywhere
14:02I'm going to pass and scream
14:04Oh, perfect, perfect
14:05Perfect? What do you mean?
14:06You live in a Swiss cottage, it's miles away
14:08Well, it's all London, isn't it?
14:10You won't mind making a little detour, will you, Derek?
14:13Well, actually, I'm going to pick up my daughter
14:15Oh, good
14:16I can point out buildings of significance to her en route
14:19One of the advantages of having both volumes of Pevsner's London in the lab
14:24So what have you been up to today?
14:26Buying a new dress
14:27At the camping centre?
14:30That's enough
14:31Actually, it's not one of my flowing jobs, for a change
14:34It's supposed to follow the natural line of my body
14:37Well, how the devil is supposed to find it, Lord knows
14:40I haven't seen the natural line of my body for years
14:44Had any further thoughts?
14:45What about your body?
14:46No
14:48Marriage
14:49Oh, come on, Nell, do change the record
14:52Would you prefer Mendelsohn's wedding march?
14:54Just stop prying into my affairs
14:57It's to stop you having affairs
14:59I want you to get married
15:00Surely there must be at least one weddable prospect in your stable
15:05It's not my stable
15:06I happen to know one or two independent young women
15:10None of them weddable
15:11But all of them very beddable
15:17Oh, I'm so sorry
15:20Children need two pairs
15:22Sam's all right
15:23I know what I'm talking about, Simon
15:26After I split from Puffy, everything was lovely till Ruth was in her teens
15:31And she started going out for the most awful frights
15:33Yes, but at least she married me in the end
15:35That's one of the frights I had in mind
15:38Now, I tell you what, Nell, that's not fair
15:39You know, we had a smashing marriage, it was nearly perfect
15:42In fact, it was so perfect, if I'd remarried, it would feel like a sort of a betrayal
15:47I see
15:48So to keep the memory of it unspoiled, you've resorted to unbridled promiscuity
15:53What a sacrifice
15:56I'm not promiscuous
15:57I'm getting a teeny bit fed up of everybody discussing my sex life
16:00It's a pretty difficult subject to avoid
16:03It's a bit like the weather, there's so much of it
16:06Not at all, I just sort of spread it a bit thinner, that's all
16:09Very philanthropic of you
16:12And while you're doing all this spreading, whom do you love?
16:16What?
16:17Love
16:18The only four-letter word that embarrasses anyone nowadays
16:22Well, it certainly embarrasses me
16:24I'll wait next door
16:26Good night, Simon
16:29Who do you love, Simon?
16:31Apart from yourself
16:34Pass
16:39Hello, Derek
16:40What? Oh, yes, hello, hello, Gillian, hello
16:43Simon's still about
16:44Simon? Oh, yes, of course
16:46Gillian, Simon's here
16:48What?
16:49What I meant, well, you can see what I meant
16:51Gillian
16:52And his mother-in-law's here too
16:54Ex-mother-in-law
16:56Not that you'd notice
16:57Nell, this is Gillian, she was our choreographer on our last presentation
17:02Close your mouth, Derek, and let's go home
17:05Next to this slim young thing, I feel like a very old carrier bag whose bottom's about to go
17:10Good night
17:19Oh, yes, I'm so sorry, good night
17:21Night, Derek
17:22Oh, good night, Gillian
17:23Good night
17:26Actually, Simon, I called in to discuss
17:29Us
17:30To discuss
17:36I approve of these discussions, we ought to have more of them
17:38We will
17:40Get your jacket on
17:41Right
17:44I want to eat, I'm starving
17:46Do you know something, Gillian? You are
17:49Astonishing
17:50You're quite surprising yourself, in a conventional sort of way
17:53And what sort of way is that?
17:54Well, you're not out to shock anyone
17:56I mean, I have a friend who once painted his bottom green and stuck it out a taxi window
18:00Now, you wouldn't do that, would you?
18:02No, no, no, no, not green, no
18:05And when I said, let's take off together, I never expected you would
18:09But we just went
18:10Actually, Gillian, I just suddenly thought of something
18:13So have I, but let's wait till we get back to my place
18:16Cookery lessons
18:17You want me to give you cookery lessons?
18:19No, no, it's just that my daughter started them at school today
18:21And I did promise I'd be home, sample her work before she went to bed
18:25Why not sample my work instead?
18:27I do terrific egg flips
18:29Oh, I know, I remember them well
18:32Look, I think we'll just pop back on our way to your place, all right?
18:35Say hello, sample her
18:36That isn't the kind of evening I had in mind, Simon
18:39Just phone her up and say you have to work late
18:41No, I can't let her down a second time
18:43And anyway, it would be a great time for you to meet her, we're just breezing through
18:45Wait a minute, wait
18:47Every married man I've ever known has been determined I should get on famously with his kids
18:51No matter how lousy his own relationship might be with them
18:54It might be a nice time for you to meet her
18:56Darling Simon, I decided long ago I didn't want children of my own
19:01So why on earth should I have the slightest interest in anyone else's?
19:04I'm sorry, it'll have to be another night
19:06I can't break another promise
19:08My father was an absolute rat
19:10Doubt if he ever kept a promise in his life
19:12Either to me or my mother
19:14But it hasn't done me any harm, has it?
19:15No
19:16Oh, now listen, Simon
19:18I'm a dancer, a mover, a doer
19:21This kind of heavy conversation does not interest me
19:24All I want tonight is a quick snack and an extended tumble
19:30Tomorrow
19:31I'll never be in the mood tomorrow
19:33Here I am now, no strings, no connections
19:36If you want me, all you have to do is pick up that phone
19:46Good
19:47Now, extend your forefinger
19:49Like this?
19:50No, just like that
19:51Julia
19:52Don't talk about it, Simon
19:53Don't even think
19:54Just follow your impulses
19:57Okay
20:03Oh, this is really annoying
20:05If I had another O and another blank
20:09And that was an L instead of an O
20:11I could put axolotl in that triple space
20:15Oh, it's a Mexican lizard
20:17And I'd have got...
20:20A hundred and forty-six points
20:22Well, so what are you going to put?
20:24Hmm...
20:25Ka-a-tah
20:28Five points
20:30Look, would you mind if I went to bed?
20:32Oh, just wait another wee minute
20:34Your father promised he'd be home in time
20:36Yes, but it's nearly nine o'clock
20:38I don't care if his son was my cooking or not
20:41Good night, Maddy
20:42Oh, Sam
20:43Shall I turn off the oven?
20:51Dad?
20:52Ah, good evening, Garça
20:54I'd like a table for one, not too near the band
20:57Dad, where have you been?
20:59And I think you'll find my lunch and vouchers are in order
21:02But these are tickets for the show
21:04Listen, I've been queuing up for an hour
21:06Couldn't phone you otherwise I'd lost my place
21:08Oh, thanks, Dad
21:09But wait
21:10What is that wonderful aroma?
21:12Can it be ambrosia, food of the gods?
21:15No, it's sausage rolls
21:18What a fascinating shade of grey
21:23Oh, well at least they're hot
21:25You don't have to have one if you don't want to
21:27Are you kidding?
21:28Listen, for the privilege of sampling these delicious goodies of yours
21:34I've turned down dinner with the most beautiful woman
21:44Maybe you should have gone
21:46No, no, no, no
21:47She wasn't interested in a question that was very important to me
21:52In fact, your granny mentioned it to me earlier
21:54What question?
21:55Who do I love?
21:57And what did you say?
21:58Well, naturally I started with myself
22:00Well, naturally
22:02And you
22:04And of course, your mother, who I love very much
22:06Oh, good
22:09But now, Sam, there's a...
22:11There's a new love in my life
22:14And well, you'll have to know about it sooner or later
22:18Well, go on
22:20Well, since tonight and without thinking such a thing is possible
22:27I've fallen madly and passionately in love with your sausage rolls
22:43I've fallen madly and passionately in love with your sausage rolls
22:48I've fallen madly and passionately in love with your sausage rolls
22:52I've fallen madly and passionately in love with your sausage rolls
22:56I've fallen madly and passionately in love with your sausage rolls
23:00I've fallen madly and passionately in love with your sausage rolls
23:08Me and my girl, we've got each other
23:11Whatever life may send us
23:15Me and my girl, we've got each other
23:18However life may bend us
23:22Sure, we'll see tears fall
23:26Love never was all rainbows
23:31But there'll always be you
23:36Me and my girl