deaddogsmoking
  • 6 months ago
First broadcast 18th October 2010.

Rhod Gilbert

Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley

James Martin
Connie Fisher
Russell Kane

Category

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TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on Ask Brooke Gilbert, our special guests are, she's everyone's favourite Maria,
00:28it's Connie Fisher, and Edinburgh Comedy Award winner, Russell Cain, they're here every week,
00:35he's as tall as he is funny, it's Greg Davies, and it's Rod's flatmate Lloyd,
00:44ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rod Gilbert.
00:47Hello, welcome, yes my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers to the
01:00questions that keep us all awake at night, some questions you just don't want to hear when you
01:03answer the door at 8 a.m. in your pants, have you heard the good news about Jesus? Well unless it's
01:08that he's about to turn up with a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich, I'm not interested, and why do
01:13some restaurants have a little section on the menu called chef's recommendations? If these are
01:18the only seven dishes the chef recommends, what the hell is the rest of this stuff? Think chefs
01:24prepare to have a stab at? Don't get me wrong, I get the point of a specials board that changes
01:29every day, but this isn't a daily special, this menu was laminated in 1996, the chef's been making
01:35the lasagna every day for 14 years, are you seriously telling me he still doesn't feel in
01:40a position to recommend it? 14 years, he's still not happy with it, after 14 years I could learn
01:46to play the cello to concert standard, I could make a lasagna with my eyebrows that I would
01:51happily recommend to anyone after 14 years, face it chef, if you can't recommend it yet, lasagna is
01:56never gonna be your thing, take it off the menu, if you can't recommend it, take it off the sodding
02:01menu, what is your problem? Take it off the menu, if you can't recommend something, take it off the
02:06menu, recommend everything on the menu or take it off. Having said all that, I've tried your lasagna,
02:18I don't see what the problem is, it was delicious, I'll happily recommend it. Anyway, on with the show.
02:24In a world full of speculation, bluster and poppycock, we need someone with credibility to help us find
02:35the answers to our questions, so as always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?
02:40He really knows his onions, he's a good egg, he's Jamie Gordon, Hester Nigella, all sausage rolled
02:49into one and marinated overnight in Delia Smith, it's James Martin.
02:53James, thank you for doing the show. It's a pleasure. How are you? I'm very good, very good. How are you going to help us tonight?
03:07I'm going to be providing you and the panel with loads of information about some of the questions that you've got on today's show.
03:12Brilliant. And in a bit to try and answer them. Okay, and before we go any further, I read in my notes that you are
03:20the world champion vegetable chopper, carrot chopper, courgette chopper.
03:24That's the one, 26 carrots peeled and chopped in one minute.
03:2726 carrots peeled and chopped in one minute. I genuinely don't believe that.
03:37It's true. Is it? Honestly, you peel and chop, there's no other way of saying it, peeled and chopped.
03:43Peeled and chopped, they've got to be a maximum of five mil thick, peeled and chopped, 26 carrots, one minute.
03:48And are you still a world record holder? No, somebody beat me last year.
03:55You bounced back. Don't be sorry.
03:58Because I'm quite a good chopper, I can chop garlic very quickly, do you reckon you could beat me?
04:03Should I prove it to you? All right. Right, give me something to chop, I've got my knife here.
04:07A mushroom? Yeah, give us that. You reckon you could beat me? Yeah. All right, go for it, go.
04:14When I think we've finally found an answer to the question tonight, I will do this.
04:26There we are, time to meet our panel. Have you learnt anything this week, Connie?
04:33Yes, I was on a train, spent my life on trains, my husband on a train platform, Cardiff Central, Platform 1.
04:40By the Upper Crust? I know Platform 1, that was a London train. Yeah, he was going to Paddington, so was he.
04:47Did you? I got on the train and he didn't, because his ticket was like off peak, and so I thought,
04:52shall I write my name in lipstick, and I didn't, and then he stalked me. He stalked you? Yeah.
04:57This is a really romantic story. Yeah, and the marriage was a month ago today, which is quite exciting.
05:03Russell, have you learnt anything this week? Yeah, I've just started a tour and I was a bit full of myself, full of energy.
05:13I talk quite quickly. I was right at four. You know when you think you're holding the audience in the palm of your hand in Manchester,
05:18but I clearly lost them. Out of nowhere, this middle-aged woman, it's the best heckle ever, completely reasonable,
05:23hand up first, went, I'm sure what you're saying, love, is very funny, but if you don't slow down, we can't understand it.
05:32It is the polite heckles in stand-up that get you. My favourite one I ever had was in Warrington, not too far away,
05:38and again the hand up, and it was quite simply a wonderful undermining heckle of, excuse me, I said yes, she said, will you be long?
05:50That is to say, we're going to crack on with the show. We've met the guests, give them a round of applause.
05:55So, let's find out who wants to know what. Who have we got tonight?
06:06Shall we have a question from King Yoheal, everybody? Kim says...
06:15Lord, I was chatting to Lenny Henry on Skype the other day. He said there's a hotel in the UK where you have to wear purple pyjamas. Is it true?
06:24Well, yes, it is true, Kim, but I feel I should point out that Lenny is being paid to recommend that hotel. It's called capitalism, you twisted little rascal.
06:34Let's crack on. Who else has got a question for us tonight? Robbie, anybody want a question from Robbie?
06:42Do you like his eyebrows a lot?
06:44Really? Have I got Robbie eyebrows?
06:48Yeah, all right.
06:49Are you a fan of Robbie Williams Lloyd?
06:51There was a story about him recently where he said that the reason why he's been so ill over the last couple of years is because he's got hormone imbalance, rather than any...
07:03What, you didn't believe that?
07:05No, I thought it might be something to do with all the drinking drugs you've taken. I don't look at Keith Richards and think, oh yeah, he looks like that because he's got a wheat intolerance.
07:14Who else have we got tonight? Oh, Jason Donovan, I'm a fan of Jason Donovan.
07:18Love Jason Donovan.
07:19What was that about?
07:20Oh, I just love him.
07:21Do you?
07:22Yeah.
07:23Shall we have a question from Mr Donovan?
07:26Hi, Rod. Growing up in Australia, you get used to all the weird and wonderful wildlife all around you, but my question to you is, why don't all animals make the same noise?
07:37Can I just point out before we debate this, that Jason Donovan in that picture looks like he's being watched by a very angry Kim Yong Il.
07:47Can you see what you can find out? Why don't animals make the same noise?
07:51Do you know what, I'll tell you an interesting thing about animals and noises and greetings and stuff, though.
07:53Did you know chimps, when they greet each other, Connie, they shake hands?
07:58That's not true.
07:59It is true, Russell.
08:00Not many cultures shake hands. There's a British culture for that.
08:04You used to shake hands with someone to prove that neither of you were carrying a sword.
08:08Yeah, but that evolved from chimps.
08:13That's just a human spin we put on it later. Chimps in the wild.
08:16But, authenticator, please, James, can you back me up that chimps... chimps?
08:21Chimps that pass in the night shake hands.
08:24That's not true.
08:25It is true, Russell.
08:26Not many cultures shake hands. It's a British thing.
08:28Chimps... chimps?
08:31Chimps that pass in the night shake hands.
08:33Absolutely true, Ron.
08:34Chimpanzees greet each other by touching hands.
08:37Wow.
08:38Touching hands?
08:39Yeah, they touch hands.
08:40Oh, well, touching hands.
08:41They don't formally shake hands.
08:44It's interpretation. They touch hands.
08:47The French chimps kiss each other on the cheek three times.
08:50Yeah, they do.
08:51Yeah, they do. They touch each other's cheeks three times, depending on where they're from in France.
08:56James, did you ever have pigs coming over from France that didn't do this?
08:59Not really. We had one, though. This is a true story.
09:01This was...
09:04We ended up buying a pig from the exchange in Mart, right?
09:09So we went there, all the way up to North Atherton to get the pig.
09:11To where?
09:12North Atherton.
09:13Right.
09:14And I brought it back down to Yorkshire and put it in with the other female pigs,
09:19and this male pig just wasn't even bothered with all the female pigs.
09:22We even tried the best-looking female pig, and it wasn't even...
09:26And we called the vet, and he turned around, took one look at the pig,
09:30and said, that's from North Atherton.
09:32I've known this pig for about...
09:34Is that like, he's from Barcelona?
09:36No, I've known this pig for 24 months.
09:41I'm afraid to say it won't do anything.
09:43It's, you know, homosexual.
09:47This is true.
09:48This is true.
09:49So he was just a gay pig?
09:50Yeah.
09:51Absolutely true.
09:52Genuinely a gay pig?
09:53Genuinely true.
09:57Have you got anything else for us?
09:59I've got the loudest animal noise.
10:01Oh, what's the loudest animal noise?
10:02The loudest animal in the world is a blue whale,
10:04and it can reach up to 188 decibels,
10:08and can be heard 160 kilometres away.
10:11I've always wondered, do loads of other animals live in a blue whale?
10:14I mean, fish and, like, crustaceans and molluscs and stuff like that
10:18actually live inside a blue whale?
10:20If you went inside a blue whale,
10:21would it be like a sort of aquarium with other...?
10:24No, because they've got huge mouths,
10:26and they just scoop up everything on the bottom
10:28and eat plankton and stuff,
10:29and inside a blue whale's stomach there must be, like,
10:31millions of little shrimps and molluscs and mussels
10:35right on the side of the lungs.
10:37It's a digestive system.
10:38Everything's killed once it goes into the blue whale.
10:40How do you know so much about blue whales?
10:42I think they must...
10:43They don't die instantly if they go in with all that seawater.
10:45Absolutely.
10:46There must be a reservoir.
10:47I can't believe it's like... Absolutely.
10:50There could be a few chambers.
10:51It could be tantalising paradise for a few minutes,
10:53people going, oh, this is all right,
10:55and then the stomach acid hits you and it's game over.
10:58I agree. I agree.
10:59Up till then.
11:00But I would just point out that what Rod's imagining
11:03is prawns and things sitting on little barstools having a little chat.
11:12If you could take one animal to a desert island,
11:17and one only, what animal would you choose?
11:20Obviously you've got to survive, you've got to think of food.
11:22So you need an animal you can get meat from,
11:24but one that can also be a mate.
11:25So I was thinking... Hang on a minute.
11:27Yeah, listen, listen, listen. Hang on a minute.
11:29Hang on a minute, it's very difficult to reconcile those two things,
11:31eating something and being friendly with it.
11:33Well, let me reconcile for you. Right.
11:35Quite a large lizard, which will shed its tail when scared.
11:38So all you've got to do is make your lizard mate jump
11:40and go, boo, every Sunday.
11:41You've got a Sunday roast, lizard tail, it grows back
11:44and your mate's intact,
11:45and you just scare the tail off him the next week.
11:47So... Food and companionship in a lizard.
11:50What would you do to spend the rest of your life
11:53with your companion jumping out from behind rocks
11:56and scaring its tail off, then eating its tail?
11:58There's a lot of time to fill.
12:00You'll be winning its trust back every other day and going,
12:02yeah, seriously, I won't do it again. Seriously.
12:05Let's just chill out, we'll go fishing or something like that.
12:09You've just described my childhood.
12:12I'd have a tortoise. He'd live to be very old.
12:15But plus, you can also hollow him out and use him as a boat.
12:18If it didn't work and I capsized him, I'd just take him back
12:21and then make some kind of turtle lookalike thing
12:24with a couple of coconuts for each leg and a head.
12:27Like Castaway, draw a face on the coconut
12:29and pretend he's a normal turtle.
12:31Or you could pull him out and then use the coconut shell as his shell.
12:35That's a good idea. Rehouse him. Rehouse him.
12:38Perfect idea. What?
12:40It's like a compulsory purchase order.
12:44What would you take, Lloyd?
12:46I'll have a Bengali tiger to help protect me from the other animals.
12:51There's nothing else on the island. What do you want a Bengali tiger?
12:54It's only you and him on there. There's no other animals on the island.
12:57No, it's a desert island. That's the whole concept of going to a desert island.
13:00There's nothing else there. Do you misunderstand the question?
13:02Do you think I said, right, you can go to a desert island,
13:04highly populated with loads of animals,
13:06and have an animal with you? What's the point of that?
13:08People don't go on Desert Island Digital Radio 4 and go,
13:11is there an HMV on the island?
13:13Any desert island in the world is going to have animals on it anyway.
13:17Like what? What? Like birds?
13:20And you're going to take a Bengali tiger to protect you
13:24from a couple of migratory sparrows?
13:27Talk about sledgehammer to crack a nut.
13:30What is the... Is there any barriers to animals making the same noise?
13:35If all animals sounded the same,
13:37then you'd have some unholy alliances between animals, wouldn't you?
13:40If a leopard came over and, looking for another leopard,
13:43was making a leopard noise, going...
13:46And it heard...
13:48And it walked 12 miles and found out it was a moose at the end of it.
13:52It would think, well, I've walked for 12 miles,
13:55I'm having a shag one way or another.
13:59You're saying that there are other barriers to animals getting together
14:02other than just making the same noise.
14:04There are loads of physical barriers, Greg.
14:06If a spider and octopus got together and bred,
14:08they'd create something with 64 legs. You can't have that.
14:11What? Why?
14:13Because they've both got eight legs. If they bred together, then eight legs.
14:16Right, so if a spider and octopus have sex,
14:18then their legs are multiplied.
14:22Oh, no, you're right. Forget that.
14:25Let's have another fact from James.
14:27Professor Klaus Zoolaboola...
14:30You made that up.
14:32We're looking for animal experts and you find...
14:34Professor Klaus Zoolaboola,
14:36an animal communication expert at the University of St Andrews,
14:40says different animals have different calls because they have different needs.
14:44Some animals need to send louder sounds,
14:46either to communicate over long distances or through difficult habitats,
14:49such as dense forests.
14:51To ward off a predator or rival, the sound needs to be intimidating,
14:54while the noise made to win a mate or make friends needs to sound pleasant.
14:58Thank you very much, James. I will consider that as an answer.
15:02Thank you.
15:08So, Jason Donovan, you asked why animals don't all make the same noise.
15:12It's because their communication needs are different.
15:15Interestingly, my grandmother couldn't tell the difference
15:17between a bat and a cricket.
15:19She died when she was struck by a 100-mile-an-hour
15:21Freddy Flintoff googly with nothing to defend herself but a grasshopper.
15:24APPLAUSE
15:29Let's see who's next.
15:31The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams.
15:34Let's have a question from him.
15:36Rod, why are church attendance figures falling?
15:40Well, Rowan, I'd say it's partly that the church feels less relevant these days.
15:44But more than that, if you ask me,
15:46you've got to do something about those wooden seats, mate.
15:49They're genuinely really uncomfortable.
15:51I sat on one for half an hour last Sunday
15:53and I thought if Jesus was here now,
15:55I'd say forget turning my water into wine,
15:57just rustle me up a cushion, will you?
15:59Let's see who else we've got.
16:01Rod Stewart. What does Rod want to know?
16:03Hey, Rod, I know I've asked you a few times over the years
16:06and maybe I'm being paranoid, but do you still think I'm sexy?
16:10Look, Rod, the answer is yes, of course I do still find you sexy,
16:14but then I am strangely aroused by singing Toilet Brushes
16:17with a nose like a travel iron.
16:19APPLAUSE
16:23Now, before the show started, I gave our studio audience
16:26the chance to send their questions to me,
16:28so let's have a look at what you want to know.
16:31Let's have a look. Who do we have?
16:33Graham McDonald.
16:35Is Graham out there? Hello.
16:37Oh, there you are. Hello, Graham, how are you?
16:39What's your question? Could a man swim through guacamole?
16:42What do you mean, could a man swim through guacamole?
16:44Take a swimming pool, drain the water, fill it with guacamole.
16:47Could a man maybe do a length without drowning?
16:50It's a good one, it's a good one. No, it's good.
16:53Not so fast, Russell.
16:56You'll have to be more specific. How much guacamole are we talking about?
16:59Olympic-sized swimming pool?
17:01Maybe that's a bit much. Maybe just your standard swimming pool.
17:04A standard one? Olympic?
17:06Just recreational. What's a regulation swimming pool?
17:09Well, does it matter what size swimming pool it is?
17:11Of course it does.
17:12We have to establish how much guacamole he's got to swim through.
17:15Yeah, but we don't need to know whether it's a regulation pool
17:19Yes, we do. Yes, we do.
17:23Of course we do.
17:25If I said to you, could a man swim through guacamole,
17:28you'd say, well, he has to dive in and he needs to swim a metre or two,
17:31or does he have to swim the channel worth of guacamole?
17:33We need to know how much guacamole... He's in a swimming pool.
17:36Apart from you, there's not one person in this room went,
17:38I wonder if it's an Olympic-sized swimming pool.
17:41Who else in this room thought, I wonder how big the swimming pool is?
17:48APPLAUSE
17:55Of course it matters how much...
17:57Roughly in metres, how many metres are we talking about?
18:0025. 25?
18:02Right, I saw he took one.
18:04Oh, hang on a minute.
18:06How deep is the guacamole?
18:11I imagine there is significant differences
18:13in the thickness of a mix of guacamole, am I right, James?
18:15It's just the amount of time it would take to make.
18:17I reckon to fill a pool...
18:19You've only got a little blender.
18:21Oh, God, I didn't think anyone could get more anal than you.
18:25I know you've got to make it and put it in the pool,
18:27but if somebody says to you,
18:29how fast can somebody swim 100 metres in the swimming pool these days,
18:32you go, well, you've got to fill the pool first.
18:34In the Commonwealth Games, I don't know if you watched the swimming,
18:37but they just jumped ahead to the pool being full.
18:39Right. At no point did you see them,
18:41and we come to Jonathan Edwards here at the poolside,
18:43where, at the moment, seven people with hosepipes are filling the pool.
18:46Now, Rod, you did see that in the Indian Commonwealth, you did see that.
18:49Go on, what are you going to say about filling the pool with guacamole?
18:52Well, of course it is, it's technical,
18:54cos it depends how thick it is.
18:56If it's too thick, the answer is he wouldn't be able to.
18:58If it's too thin, he would be able to.
19:00I would cover myself in... You know that stuff you swim in in the channel?
19:03I'd put sour cream on.
19:05No, no, the fat stuff. That's duck fat.
19:07Instead of duck fat, you put sour cream on,
19:09some tortilla shorts, and then straight across in a nacho.
19:12Oh, my God.
19:14You sound like one of my mum's dinner parties.
19:17Lloyd, what are you going to say?
19:19I was going to say, if the pool's full of guacamole,
19:21I'm not sure you can swim, I think you can just have a dip.
19:32We have an answer, a man could not swim through guacamole,
19:34but he could have a dip.
19:39APPLAUSE
19:44Now, during the series, I've invited you, the people at home,
19:47to tweet your questions to me,
19:49so let's have a look at what you've sent in.
19:52Philip Kelly.
19:54My question is, why does my body get into a rhythm
19:57so that no matter what time I set my alarm for,
19:59I always wake up two or three minutes before it's due to go off?
20:02Is that a common...? Does that happen to you?
20:05Yeah. No. No. No.
20:07I wake up... Well, you rest at some point.
20:10Go on, Connie.
20:11Well, like, when I do beat the alarm sometimes,
20:14it's such a victory, isn't it?
20:16Like, you wake up a minute before... What?
20:18Yes! 6.59 and the alarm's going off at 7,
20:20you're like, yeah, I beat the alarm, it's a real victory for me.
20:23And then you put it on snooze for another half an hour
20:26and you feel like you've had a lie-in. I like that.
20:29Do you have any recurring dreams, Connie? I do.
20:32And you can tell us about?
20:35I have this dream, and it sounds a bit ironic,
20:37but I'm literally trying to climb up a really, really steep hill
20:40and it's all cobbled stones.
20:42My dream is that I'm trying not to fall back down the hill,
20:45which is quite scary. Yeah.
20:47And I'm sometimes on roller skates.
20:52Lloyd, you wake up, you never wake up.
20:54You're just like a teenager.
20:56You wander around the house after 17 hours' sleep
20:58and you're wandering around with your scuzzy blue dressing gown
21:01like some other one flew over the cuckoo's nest.
21:03You shuffle into the lounge with your massive feet,
21:06sit down and go, oh, I'm tired.
21:09What do you say to that?
21:11He keeps trying to push these products onto me
21:13that he uses to help him sleep, so he's got...
21:15No, I don't. I hate the fact that you sleep 17 hours a day.
21:18As it is, why would I be trying to make you sleep more?
21:20He's got a lavender eye patch.
21:27Oh, no!
21:29Oh, my Lord.
21:31You're like some sort of effeminate pirate.
21:35I think the non-sleepers were attracted and fascinated by sleepers.
21:39That's how you two have ended up as flatmates.
21:41Every girlfriend I've ever had has always been irritating,
21:44smugly, falling asleep whenever they like.
21:46We drive to Edinburgh and she'll just flop like that
21:48with her bovine head bobbing around for the whole seven hours,
21:51not even reclining. The jealousy, the smugness of the sleep.
21:54What a lovely little cutesy nickname between a man and his wife.
21:57Bovine head.
21:59Oh, I love you, bovine head.
22:02Have you got any more facts for us?
22:04I've got some great facts. Check this out.
22:23APPLAUSE
22:28You know what one of my most rude awakenings was?
22:31It was when I slept with you in a tent.
22:34Oh!
22:36We shared a tent together and I snore like a rhinoceros, I know I do.
22:40No, no, it's way worse than any rhino.
22:43But I had a really lovely night's sleep out in the Australian wilderness
22:47and I opened my eyes to be confronted with his face here.
22:50Just as I was coming round, he said this sentence.
22:53Don't look at me, I hate you.
22:59Can I give my side of the story?
23:02Can I...
23:04Can I at least give my side of the story?
23:06We were staying on... It was Ross Noble's ranch
23:09and he invited us out to stay there,
23:11quite a few comedians doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival,
23:14and he put up about seven or eight tents
23:16in his kind of garden, ranchy area, right?
23:18And we all went to bed and Greg and I,
23:20even though many of the tents were empty,
23:22Greg and I decided, as friends, we would bunk up.
23:25As friends, we would bunk up, we would double up.
23:27Just two lads, two lads in the outback.
23:29Just two lads chilling out in the outback.
23:31Strip to the waist, see what happens.
23:34For the next six hours, I...
23:37To listen to your snoring and after about an hour or two,
23:40I was genuinely losing the will to live
23:42and I tried to get out of the tent and it was jammed.
23:47And then, in the morning, you woke up and I said,
23:49don't even look at me, I hate you.
23:51And then you went, what's wrong?
23:52I said, I can't get out of the tent, the thing is jammed.
23:54I was literally having a nervous breakdown.
23:56You just went, what about this zip?
23:59There was a zip on both sides of the tent.
24:04James, can you give us any more information about sleep?
24:07During a typical lifespan,
24:09the human spends a total of about six years dreaming,
24:13which is about two hours each night.
24:16Most dreams last between five and ten minutes.
24:19I get a recurring dream where my...
24:23My doodah has fallen off and then somebody will go past me,
24:26I'll go, you've got it!
24:31And you get the same dream.
24:32Yeah, but they really casually just take mine off,
24:35have a look at it and then...
24:37Give it back. Pass it back.
24:39Anything else for us, James, that might shed some light on it?
24:42Absolutely. Can we get towards an answer
24:44so we do get into a rhythm, as Phil says?
24:46We have. We've got a quote here from Professor Russell Foster
24:49of the University of Oxford.
24:51And he says,
24:52the ability to wake up before the alarm goes off is a learned behaviour.
24:55Using our internal body clock,
24:57we're able to learn specific tasks at specific times of the day,
25:01such as waking up before the alarm.
25:03All right, we'll call that an answer.
25:06So, Philip Kelly, you asked why do you wake up before your alarm clock
25:09and it's all to do with an internal clock, apparently.
25:11But I hate anybody who says they have an internal clock.
25:13In fact, I hate anyone who says they have anything inside them.
25:16I think you can only say you have a book inside you
25:18if you're a published novelist.
25:19You can only say you have an inner child if you're a pregnant woman.
25:22And you can only say you have a hero inside yourself
25:24if you're having it off with a war veteran.
25:29Well, that's nearly all the questions we've had sent in this week.
25:32But, Connie, you've been kind enough to come on the show.
25:34Do you have a question for us?
25:36I do have a question, actually. Good.
25:38Oh, I get music.
25:40He has a big build-up for you.
25:42Yeah. As a singer, you're not supposed to eat, like, spicy things,
25:46and James will know about this kind of thing.
25:48I mean, when you've got hot food in your mouth,
25:50whether that's, like, hot food or spicy food,
25:52what's the best way to kind of cool it down?
25:55What's your technique?
25:59Does that work?
26:00Mostly.
26:01James, as a chef, have you got any tricks?
26:03Absolutely. Well, we have a...
26:05Well, it's called a water bath at the end of every section,
26:08which is like, let's say, a bucket,
26:10but it's got running cold water, ice-cold water all the time,
26:13with spoons in.
26:14Cos that's the best way to taste stuff,
26:16with cold spoons in a hot liquid.
26:18Cos if you put a hot spoon in, it conducts the heat,
26:20then burns your mouth.
26:21So you have these things in to taste them.
26:23You hear that, Lloyd? We're in the kitchen, no more bling.
26:26I used to work in a kitchen,
26:28but I got sacked for wearing my tiara.
26:33According to a leading supermarket chain,
26:35food today is 400 times spicier than it was back in the 1960s.
26:39In the last year alone,
26:41sales of hot sauce has risen by a dramatic 20%.
26:44When I was a teenager, we told my friend Bell
26:48that we were having a snuff party.
26:53I could go horribly wrong, that.
26:55In fact, it was just curry powder and pepper
26:58in his little snuff pouch.
27:01We didn't have anything at all.
27:04Did you really do this?
27:05I swear that we did this.
27:07This was his reaction.
27:08He went,
27:09Yeah, yeah, I'm well up for some snuff, yeah.
27:26And he went home.
27:34James, have we got any more information
27:36that might lead us towards an answer?
27:38They've got a good one here, right?
27:40In India, the security forces have planned to use
27:42one of the world's hottest chillies,
27:44in the Bhut Jolaka, in the new hand grenade.
27:47That's what it's called.
27:48The grenade emits a choking smoke that causes...
27:50Hang on a minute, hang on.
27:51In India, they're using a hand grenade that is a chilli?
27:54Absolutely.
27:55You're in a fort, sitting in the desert in India,
27:58and a chilli gets lobbed over the wall.
28:01It's not exactly hard to deal with, is it?
28:03Just put it to the side of your plate and don't eat it.
28:06War over.
28:08I think in Japan, in the emperor's bedroom,
28:11under the carpet near his bed, they'd hide crisps.
28:15Oh, shut up!
28:18No, seriously, under the emperor's...
28:20What, in ancient Japan, they had crisps?
28:23Well, they were prawn crackers.
28:26And they put them under the carpet near his bed,
28:29so when he's asleep, and if a ninja got into his room,
28:32the ninja would stand on the carpet, create a crisp,
28:36he'd wake up and then kill the ninja.
28:39Hang on a minute, so around the emperor's bedroom
28:41in ancient Japan, they used to put crisps under the rug
28:44so that ninjas would creep in, step on the crisps and go...
28:47Don't be ridiculous.
28:49Crisps would go soft after a couple of hours.
28:52Crisps would go soft after a couple of hours?
28:55That's the fatal flaw in the ten-year ninja training programme.
29:00Why didn't we think about the hula hoops?
29:04It definitely happened.
29:06It didn't happen, like, A, they didn't have crisps in ancient Japan,
29:09and B, crisps would...
29:11After a couple of hours, ninjas would realise that the crisps
29:14would soften and then they could walk across them in silence.
29:17So that's when they would hit the bank of aniseed balls
29:20and go...
29:24Let's get back to the question.
29:26What is the best way, the most effective way,
29:28to cool hot food down in your mouth? Greg, what do you think?
29:30I don't... I just... I don't know.
29:34Well, can you think of a way in which we might be able to prove it?
29:37Do you know what?
29:39I have been thinking about this. Yeah?
29:42Come on, Lloyd. Oh, no.
29:50My conclusive test of what cools the mouth down better.
29:53Ready, Lloyd?
29:55No.
29:57Here is the initial ingredient.
30:00Do you know what type of chilli this is?
30:02I don't know what type of chilli it is,
30:04but I tested it on my friend Dobbin earlier in the day, and this happened.
30:11Everybody ready?
30:14Time to feel the heat, Lloyd.
30:17Oh!
30:19Stalk as well.
30:21Not the stalk, Lloyd.
30:23You're confusing the experiment by eating the stalk.
30:27How are you feeling, Lloyd?
30:29Nauseous.
30:31Let's start with Lloyd's favourite, a base.
30:35He's developed a twitch. Oh, my God.
30:38Let's start the cooling. Quick, Lloyd.
30:40Now, what's this, Greg?
30:42Quick, Lloyd, let's start the cooling.
30:45What is this? Milk. Basic milk.
30:47How's that, Lloyd? How's that doing?
30:49Quick, Greg, get the next thing ready. How's that doing?
30:51How's the milk, Lloyd? Any good? No good?
30:53Lloyd, thumbs up if it's working.
30:55My mouth is still really hot, but my teeth feel stronger.
30:58It's in my heartbeat.
31:00Quick, get something cold in his mouth, Greg. Quick.
31:03I'm going to have to get serious.
31:05Quickly get something cold in his mouth.
31:07Yoghurt, son?
31:09This should clear up that rash you were telling me about.
31:11Yoghurt. They do say yoghurt's a good one.
31:15Any better? No better.
31:18This is getting serious. You've got ice cream there.
31:20I'm going to have to go with the big guns.
31:22I've got a picture of vanilla rice for him to look at.
31:25Look at him, Lloyd.
31:27Look at him, he's a genius.
31:29Come on, Greg, quickly. Look how cool he is.
31:31Quickly, Greg, get something in his mouth, he's in agony.
31:33Get some ice cream or something. You've got ice cream there, try that.
31:36This has got to do it, Lloyd. Open wide.
31:38Open wide, Lloyd.
31:40Ice cream, they do say ice cream's good.
31:43You like ice cream? How's that?
31:45I'm running out of options here, I'm going to have to go with the big guns.
31:48Quickly.
31:50How's that, Lloyd?
31:52Don't bite on his head.
31:54I feel really bad. Do you feel really bad?
31:56Greg, do something.
31:59APPLAUSE
32:11Wait, wait. Lloyd, how are you feeling?
32:14How are you feeling, Lloyd?
32:16LAUGHTER
32:18Give him a bit more.
32:20Give him a bit more.
32:22Any better, Lloyd?
32:24Let's... Oh!
32:26APPLAUSE
32:30How do you feel, Lloyd? Has that helped?
32:33Can you put your finger on which one of those things was the most effective?
32:37Yeah, I think it was the picture of vanilla ice cream.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:42Lloyd and Greg, ladies and gentlemen.
32:46Come on, Lloyd.
32:52Well, we need to find an answer.
32:55James Lloyd thinks it was the picture of vanilla ice.
32:58That's a fairly scientific... What do you think it is?
33:01We've got something from Professor Stephen Lisney.
33:04He's a professor at the University of Bristol.
33:06He says, if you put something in your mouth that's too hot,
33:09the best course of action is to eat ice cream.
33:11Ice cream is better than an ice cube because it fills the mouth quicker.
33:15APPLAUSE
33:21We'll take that as an answer.
33:23There you have it, Connie.
33:25You asked what's the best way to cool your mouth down when you've had hot food.
33:28It seems that it is ice cream.
33:30Better than an ice cube, better than a snowstorm,
33:33better even than a picture of vanilla ice.
33:35APPLAUSE
33:39That's pretty much it for tonight.
33:41So, people of Britain, if you've got a question, you can tweet the show.
33:44But for tonight, it is thanks to Connie Fisher...
33:47APPLAUSE
33:49..Russell Kane...
33:52..my flatmate Lloyd...
33:56..and, of course, tonight's authenticator, James Martin.
34:02I'm Rod Gilbert, and you can ask me literally anything.
34:05Good night.
34:21..is power.